Walking the Dog — Chapters 9 and 10

Chapter 9

The old high school was named after Emmanuel Goff, the man who before the Civil War created the institution of the Families and used his wealth to create an endowment to support them. His reasons for doing this had become a part of the local mythology about the Families and the town he helped create.

Goff was a former slave who settled here; the town was a stop on the underground railroad. He was intelligent, hard working, and had the gift for making money and investing it well. He bought land. He dabbled with social movements, was briefly associated with the Owenites, and had a desire to leave a lasting legacy.

The old high school was build around 1920, I'm sure there was a plaque somewhere telling when, of native stone. The building was single storied and rambling, and I think the only reason the town had a new high school was because they had money to build it and thought all these windows were a nuisance to clean and conducive to wool gathering by teachers and students alike. The old school had a dreamy quality.

All of this prelude is to cover up the fact I was in a foul mood, angry, pissed, bad company for those who wanted to talk and cranky because of all the coffee I'd drunk today. And I couldn't sit still because I had to pee again but had to wait until I was relieved. I was watching the entrance and was happy to be away from the gym.

Things I wondered about? Because I was wondering. I wondered how Tracie was doing. There was a whole embroliogo of emotions and thoughts, wild swings of opinion and memory of our kiss this morning. I knew she still loved me. I hoped she still loved me tomorrow at this time. Which placed an obligation on me to love her, no matter what. And to forgive her mother for the offer that had been made a few hours ago, a faux pas of monumental proportions that couldn't be forgotten or forgiven.

Mom and I now had a new relationship because of her words, an unnatural one, one I was thrust into willy-nilly and there was no way out again. I was stuck now wondering if she really meant it, was she just being nice? What if we did, would it matter? But I couldn't, I wasn't eighteen yet and, besides, the mother of Tracie would always (always and forever?) be forbidden territory.

It was close to midnight and more people were leaving than coming. For some reason, I guess because Mom, Donald and Mrs. Cooper were all about the same age, the music chosen was classic rock circa 1980 when they were teenagers. Very young teenagers.

"Want me to take a turn?" Rick asked behind me.

"Could you? I'm about to burst."

"You should see what they're doing in there." Rick sat on the stool. "They have the lights low, people are talking, eating, you should grab a bite, and fucking.

"I'll get something. Want me to bring something for you?"

"A cola. No. Mountain Dew." Rick smiled at the couple who passed us. "It's a mess in there, clothes everywhere. The question is, will we end up with leftover clothes when this is all over? Or no clothes and a lot of naked people? I don't think people are leaving wearing the same thing they arrived in." Rick gave a grin.

Rick was a math major who saw the world in numbers. I was sure he was working out probabilities in his mind as we spoke. Plus a complicated analysis of the motions people took in the gym. People clustered in non-random groupings.

The music was least loud in the restroom. That was a relief. A walk outdoors was my dream and desire but tonight wasn't about my dreams and desires.

I went in the gym and Rick was right, it was a lot darker. Lisa, who was Donald's walker, was over by the food table talking to two women. Lisa was a lesbian who'd volunteered to walk Donald. They made a good pair but I always wondered what she thought about what she saw.

For some reason I craved carbohydrates. I stacked a paper plate high with dark homemade bread someone had brought, cheese and chips. I found two almost cold cans of Mountain Dew for Rick and me. I dumped a case of cans into the icy water for later.

I thought I should check on Barbie before leaving, so I put my plate and Dews down in a corner out of the way. Lisa saw me and walked over.

"How are you holding out?" she asked.

"Worse than I expected."

"It'll be all over tomorrow."

"Not for me. I'm staying on as Mrs. Johnston's walker."

Lisa gave a nod. Her eyes stared past my shoulder. "I'd better go."

She went toward two newcomers who looked lost in the dark room.

Lisa is a strikingly beautiful girl if you like punk/goth fashion. Tall, wearing boots of course, black jeans and shirt. Her dyed red hair was cut short and done in fakey little curls which sounds worse than it looked. The piercings that were visible were on her brow, nostril and lip. I never asked her about the rest of her tattoos. Last year she'd shaved her head and that had been tattooed with something dark and spikey. She was seventeen like me, but her birthday was next winter. Mine was in the early spring.

The three Family heads were the centers of attention but other groupings had formed. Parties like this gave people a chance to blow off steam, experiment, or do what they loved doing but didn't love enough to decide back when they were eighteen.

Barbie was okay, tired but not so tired to need a break. It was easy to tell. She wasn't vocal, wasn't enthusiastic but she was right there in the middle of her own world having a good time.

I took the plate and Dews to the entrance and Rick and saw Lisa there too. "I just have two drinks. Want one?"

"That stuff stinks," Lisa said.

Rick popped the top and drank. "Caffeine," he said, drawing out the word with a smile.

I sat on the floor and began eating. The bread and cheese was great. My mood was vastly improved. "Where's Cindy?" I asked. Cindy was Mrs. Cooper's daughter.

"The game. Where else?" Rick said.

"Bunch of fascists," Lisa muttered with a smile.

"She's in the band."

"I know that. A bunch of goose stepping fascists." Lisa reached out her hand. "Let me have a drink of that."

"You can have mine," I said.

"His is okay. I just want a sip." She took a drink, passed the can back. She said to me, "That's not vegan, you know."

"I'm too tired to rise to the bait." I lifted a piece of cheese from the plate and bit off a corner.

Lisa turned to Rick and held out her hand. "Another." She took a drink, passed the can back. "So, when this is all over, you two want to do a threesome?"

Rick choked on his Dew. I went on eating.

"With you?" Rick asked.

"Hey, come on," Lisa said. "It was an honest invitation. You needn't be disparaging."

"I wasn't being whatever. You mean it?"

Lisa kicked my knee. "You asleep down there?"

I shook my head, swallowed a mouth full of chips. "I sorta promised Tracie."

"We'll sorta not tell her if that's what's bothering you. That's right, isn't it, Rick? Another please."

"Sure you don't want some chips. Chips are vegan aren't they?"

"Vegan enough." Lisa squatted next to me, held up the can for Rick to take. She grabbed a handful of chips. "These aren't too bad."

"A bit soggy."

"It's moist and humid back in the gym. I think they have the air conditioning turned off."

"You mean it's not just me?" Rick said.

"You're always moist and humid, Rick." Lisa asked me, "Can I have a drink?"

I passed her the can. "Keep it. I'm jittery enough already."

"Well?" she asked

"Well what?" I watched her take the last of my chips.

"The threesome. Remember?"

"I'd better pass." I raised my eyes. "Can I take a rain check?"

She stared at me for a moment, said, "I think so. This is a whim, a spur of the moment thing. I'm not sure it'll ever happen again."

"What about me?" Rick asked. "I didn't say no."

"I'll think about it." Lisa stood. "Don't get your hopes up." She turned and walked away.

I grinned at Rick who was watching Lisa. "Hey," I shouted. "Lisa. You and Rick go off and whatever. I'll watch the door."

She stopped and was silent. She turned slowly. "You won't tell anyone I did it with?" She saved her hand toward us.

"Not a word to anyone."

"I have a reputation to keep up."

"Not a word," Rick said.

She smiled at us. "Well come on." Rick jumped off the stool. "You have to pretend you're a girl."

"I think I can do that." Rick brushed the seat of his jeans.

"I'll keep my eyes shut." Lisa turned and walked on.

I climbed onto the stool, watched them go into a room and close the door. Good for them, I thought. Too bad you're such a coward. I'm not, I said, and the two sides faced off.

Lisa knew how nervous I was with the birthday tomorrow. I knew she didn't want me to feel alone but I had promised Tracie. Everything would disappear at seven tomorrow. The promises, the relationship, everything, and I was too tired to wonder what would take their place.

Instead, I wondered why dad never told me he'd been one of Mrs. Johnston's steadies.

The next crowd would be a little after two when the bars closed. I wished I'd brought a book.

Chapter 10

After a long hard (only because I was so tired) night a letter from Tracie lay on the pillow of the Johnston's guest room. Tracie's letter was an anticlimax and I had to admit I was expecting something like this.

The letter said:

"Jasper,

"This isn't easy for me, but I think it's better that you know sooner than later that you are no longer my steady.

"Writing this I realize that this won't be easy for you either. All I can say is I'm sorry and I hope we can still be friends eventually.

"Right now I'm expecting you at my party, though you won't be sitting beside me. I'm expecting you to respect my desire for no contact whatsoever with you. I don't want to talk to you, touch you, have anything to do with you. There is nothing you can say or do that will make me change my mind.

"I also expect and hope that you'll treat my mother with respect. My decision is mine alone. She had no part in it. And I expect you to honor your friendship with Frank.

"I'll always remember the past six months, Jas. I'll remember my feelings for you and how much I enjoyed being with you. There'll be others for both of us but our time together was special for me. Thank you, Jas.

"Tracie"

My hand shook when I set the letter down. I undressed, climbed under the covers and read the letter again before turning out the light.

The curtains were drawn so the sun wouldn't keep me awake. Tracie's fond farewell didn't keep me awake either. I felt raw and dead when I went to sleep. I knew it would only be worse when I woke.

I'm not sure what woke me. Maybe I felt the bed shift under weight. Maybe she touched me. At first I thought it was Tracie and the joy I felt, the thrill, died when I remembered the letter.

Next I thought it was Mrs. Johnston and that was just too strange. Lying still, I kept my eyes closed and prayed she wouldn't touch me.

I think I blamed Mom for everything; for my having no time with Tracie, especially these last few days; for having something to do with my being dumped. For being Mom, for being Family, for not being normal, whatever that was.

I fell back asleep and when I woke again I thought I'd been dreaming until I felt the hand on my back. "Tracie?"

"Tracie's upstairs with Frank, screwing his ass off."

"Trish?"

"Who else were you expecting?"

"I don't feel like doing anything."

"Um, let me see. Does that mean what it sounded like it meant, Jasper?"

"Let me sleep. Please."

"Time to get up. It's four. Aren't you just thrilled?"

"I don't feel like talking either."

"Mother thought I might be able to help."

"You're not helping, Trish."

"I told her she was crazy. But she insisted, so here I am, her dutiful daughter. Want a back rub?"

"Could you go, please?"

"I'm being dutiful to mother, not you. So sorry. Nope."

She touched my back, softly, drew large circles with her finger. "I'm guessing you're not in the mood, hunh?"

"You guess right."

"That's okay. I'm happy just doing this."

"What you're doing is pissing me off."

"What I'm trying to do is take your mind off my good-for-nothing sister."

I sat, my feet on the floor. I was thirsty and my bladder was full to the breaking point. I stood, taking the letter from the bedstand, and carried it to my bookbag. I folded the letter carefully, put it in a side pocket, and walked into the guest bedroom.

I started the shower as hot as possible, slowly turning it colder as I washed and rinsed. I half expected Trish to try to join me and I half wished she did. I felt like hitting something. She'd do.

Being so angry while feeling so desolate inside was so bizarre. I've never hit anyone except as a kid playing. Now I could break something, could feel my hands squeeze, the muscles in my arms tense as I slowly broke whatever I held in two. A stick, an arm, I didn't visualize that precisely. I didn't want to be in this house and I didn't want to be in my head.

I walked into the bedroom toweling my hair. Trish was still there, in the bed, looking up at me, the covers up to her shoulders. I wasn't angry with Trish. I tossed the towel on the bed and put on my clothes. I'd worn them twenty-four hours but they were all I had.

I sat on the bed as I buttoned my shirt. Trish touched my back. "Don't do that," I said. I was motionless waiting for her to stop.

Trish didn't say anything. Eventually her hand left me. I finished buttoning my shirt, got up and picked up my bookbag. I wanted to go but I was afraid to leave the room. I didn't want to run into anybody so I sat on the bed.

"I'll be oldest in the Family, Jas. How do you think that feels? I'll be needing to find a steady. You're my first choice but I'll understand if you say no." She didn't give me a chance to say no. "You're seventeen, I'm fifteen, so it could only be for a year. Maybe it would be better to find someone closer to my age.

"Tracie was always figuring out stuff like that. She'd talk to mother because Mike didn't want to hear it. Tracie had a whole program figured out. So and so for a month or two, then another so and so. She always went for younger boys, never one who was even the slightest bit older. I don't think she could stand being left behind."

I left the bookbag on the bed, rose to my feet and looked down at Trish.

"Think about it, Jas. A year with me then you'll be able to do whoever you wanted. With whoever was as old or older than you. I'm pretty sure I know what I want. You'd have to find others for me, or set me up, or make me generally available. You'll get to dress me and undress me as you wish. I won't be like Tracie. I want you to walk me, Jas."

Trish looked so much like her sister, I wanted to kiss her, touch her face, curl up by her side. My wanting had nothing to do with desire; it was habit.

"A year'll pass and there'll be other steadies. I'll be here, as a Family head when you return after college. We could marry if you want. Or you can just use me whenever you want; just like you can use me now. Whatever you want to do. You can share me tonight at the party. We'll have our own celebration. There'll be other kids here, walkers and Family. Whatever you want."

"I want you to stop pestering me."

She grinned at me. "I'm not that easy to get rid of." She sat up in bed and stretched her arms, watching my face.

I turned away from the sight of her breasts and went into the bathroom to see if there was a toothbrush. Mine was by the sink along with a tube of toothpaste. "Why don't you get me something to eat and some orange juice instead of talking my head off."

"Yes, o master." Trish stood in the doorway, naked and looking older than fifteen, while I brushed my teeth. I watched her face in the mirror. It was hard to tell what she was thinking. When I looked up after rinsing the toothbrush she was gone.

I sat on the bed, opened the side pocket for the bookbag and took out Tracie's letter. I was reading it when Trish entered with a tray. "Put some clothes on," I said, not looking up.

"Yes, o master." She sat on the bed next to me.

"I mean it. It's almost five." She didn't stir. I folded the letter and put it back in the pocket.

"Mother says I need to get the room ready for later tonight."

"Why don't you do that?"

"You're sitting on the bed, Jasper. Done with this?" She put her hand on the bookbag.

I looked at her. Her face was dead serious.

"I was going to put it up in my room."

"Put some clothes on while you're at it. I'll make the bed."

"You will? Thanks. Mother wanted to know how you're doing."

"Tell her I don't know yet."

"And you'll make the bed?"

"I'll make the bed."

"Sure you don't want a quick fuck?"

"Furthest thing from the mind now. I'm not going to be anybody's steady for a while, Trish. Find someone else."

"I can wait." She stood, lifted the bookbag. "Umph. What do you have in here?"

"Get some clothes on."

"Not till you tell me I have nice tits." She twisted from side to side to show me, the bookbag hanging from her fingers.

"Please get dressed."

"Yes, o master."

"That's cute, Trish." She turned to look at me from the door. "But you say that one more time and I'm leaving. I'll go home and never come back."

Her face fell. "Sorry." She left the door open. I could see Mrs. Johnston who paused for a second as she walked past. She looked nervous.

Okay, I was human again and wasn't going to hurt anyone. The next few hours wouldn't be easy but I could deal. I hoped nothing I said or a look on my face would give me away.

Read the next two chapters

Walking the Dog Page
Chapters 1 and 2 | Chapters 3 and 4 | Chapters 5 and 6
Chapters 7 and 8 | Chapters 9 and 10 | Chapters 11 and 12
Chapters 13 and 14 | Chapters 15 and 16 | Chapters 17 and 18
Chapter 19

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