Walking the Dog — Chapters 13 and 14

Chapter 13

Tracie wasn't in school Monday. I didn't see Lori and Frank waved but steered clear of me. I waved back but it was reflexive, didn't really mean anything.

Trish gave me space like I asked her and I was appreciative. It wasn't easy withstanding her constant lusty bombardment. Maybe she realized it'd be better if she didn't storm the castle but that I lower the drawbridge and meet her on the open field.

I needed to talk to Tracie before I did anything. While her letter said there'd be others for both of us, I had to be sure before I did anything. Her having others didn't have quite the same significance in my mind compared to my becoming someone's steady.

Lisa joined me for lunch but we both didn't say much. I wondered how it felt for her to be away from her art crowd. We didn't share a lot of the same interests. She was fun to be with and I felt good when I was with her which was a start, I guess.

Mrs. Stevens wanted to talk, not garden, after school at her house. I learned the cats' names (Rambunctious — Rambo, Nastertium — Nasty, and Cereal) and their individual foibles, Princess' love of chocolate, and more about Wally. After two hours of roundabout, Mrs. Stevens nailed me with a series of questions about Trish and Lori that were, I guess, more than anything a way to get me to think about them. She was a lot cannier than she acted. A libertine Socrates.

After walking Mrs. Johnston for a few hours and taking her back home, I wandered around town. I was staying at the Johnston's for a week, to Trish's delight. I told Trish, after dinner, she could join me tonight in the guest room but she'd still have to bear with a major disappointment.

She was probably there now wondering where the hell I was. I couldn't do much about that.

I'd looked for Tracie in school and every time I saw a girl from the back with hair like hers my heart skipped a beat. I had two things from Friday. The kiss in the morning and the letter that night. Which should I trust more? I believed both and was caught in a paradox; my mind was going in circles.

I ended up at Lori's house. Her light was out but she'd said to wake her so I did. I expect I woke everyone in the house but only her light came on. There were no curtains, she stood at her window and looked down at me. She was naked, at least what I could see, and familiar.

She was down in a moment in a flannel shirt and jeans.

"Want to go for a walk?" I asked.

"Sure." She held out her hand which was cool to the touch.

"You weren't in school today."

"You looked!" She gripped my hand. "No, I didn't want to see Frank. Maybe tomorrow."

"You're going to the game Friday?"

"You heard. Would you," she stopped, tried again. "Would you?" She let go of my hand. "Follow me."

She cut through some yards, went down a slope and into the woods by the river. The clear spring night was lit by a full moon. It was really light under the bare trees but silvery and cool with shadows everywhere.

"It's around here somewhere." She took my hand and led me. The trees were all young saplings. The ground was littered with old plastic and debris from flooding. We were in a flat area with trees as far as I could see. I knew the houses weren't that distant; we hadn't walked long. And I knew the river was close but I couldn't hear it.

"Here it is." She drew me into a low clubhouse built by kids out of scrap lumber. The walls and roof weren't solid so there was plenty of moonlight inside. We sat across from each other.

"Did you see Frank?" Lori asked me.

"Yes. He waved."

"I can't believe he'd just dump me like that. Under the bleachers, on my hands and knees, and go off with Tracie. I can't believe she did that. I can't believe I ever let him touch me. I did everything he wanted. Or I thought I did. I did everything he asked me to do. He never had any complaints. Or made them to me at least. Maybe to you. Did he say . . ."

"Nothing. Out of the blue. How old are you?"

"Almost sixteen. Maybe he got crazy. Why do you ask?"

"So you're a lot younger than me."

"Not that much younger. What's the problem?"

"Nothing. Just thinking."

"Did you want to fuck?"

"Not really. It's not you." I touched her hand. "It's definitely not you."

"Remember how it was before you met Tracie?"

"I can't forget, Lori."

"Sure you don't want to fuck?"

"I'm sure. I need to get over this weekend first."

"It would be okay to hurt me. I want to be hurt. Pretend I'm Tracie." She stared at me while she said this.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Not hurt hurt. Just fuck me hard up the ass. I'll be your bitch."

"That's not going to fix anything, Lori."

"What's wrong can't be fixed. Not at all."

"I don't want to make it any worse."

"You won't make it any worse. God I hate myself. I'm such a fool. I thought Frank really liked me. You know?"

"He really liked you."

"He has a strange way of showing it. That's a line from somewhere. I'm talking about Frank and I should just act like he was dead or gone or something. You're here with me, you like me, I don't know why, and I'm boring you to tears. I'm so stupid." She hit her leg. "Stupid."

"Look, Lori. Frank isn't worth it."

"But Tracie is. You think everything will be different tomorrow but it won't be."

"I think I'll be able to see Tracie some time this week. We'll talk and I'll know what's going on. I'll be your walker Friday night."

"You will! So maybe you'll be my steady?"

"I need to choose sometime. But I need to talk to Tracie first."

"You still love her, don't you?"

I couldn't say it.

"All last week it was Jas this and Jas that when we talked, Tracie and I, making plans for Friday. It was to be her big splurge before her birthday, something she'd always wanted to do. Jas taught me this or I learned this from Jas." Lori began to unbutton her shirt. "I really need you to fuck me, Jas. I really do. Anything you want, you can do."

I stopped her hand. "I think it'd be a big mistake, Lori."

"I don't." She shook my hand away. "I don't at all. I need someone to wash Frank off of me."

"Friday, Lori. Wait till Friday. Come to school tomorrow if you can, if not, join me at Mrs. Stevens afterwards. We're working on her garden."

"She doesn't have a garden. Her yard is a mess."

"Yes, I know. But today I learned the cats' names."

"Those are the laziest cats I ever saw. They wouldn't catch a mouse if it came up and bit them." She took off her shirt.

"Lori."

She stretched out on her back alongside me and unfastened her jeans. She worked them down off her hips. I wanted to touch her back when she sat up to pull the jeans off. I wanted to touch her neck.

Lori lay naked on her back. "Jas, just tell me I look okay. You don't have to do anything but I wish you would. I ache for cock. I remember how good Frank felt. It's stupid. I have phantom cock syndrome. You know? Like people who've lost an arm or a leg. I can feel Frank's cock inside me, or rather I can't feel it. Have a ghost of a cock in me. I'm crazy."

I knew how she felt. Looking at her I could feel Tracie, could almost hear Tracie speak. I wanted to touch Lori, pretend she was Tracie. "You're not crazy. I know exactly how you feel. Exactly as you feel." I held up my hand. "This isn't Frank, Lori. And you're not Tracie."

I touched her belly, warm and soft. I spread my fingers and traced my hand across her stomach to her breasts. "Don't shut your eyes, Lori. Look at me." I kneaded her breasts, squeezed the nipples, felt them harden. She felt somewhat like Tracie but wasn't. I knew that. I touched her lips. She kissed my fingers.

I got up onto my knees and bent over her, bracing my body with my other hand as my fingers explored Lori's body. Her skin was so soft, her eyes never left me. I was close enough to hear her breathe and see goosepimpled flesh in a patch of bright moonlight.

I tugged her pubic hair gently and kissed her. Lori held my hand against her damp skin. I leaned away from her, my hand still held by hers. She let me go, said, "You're right. Let's not fuck. Not now. But thank you." She grinned. "And promise me when we do, you'll fuck my ass so hard I'll scream. Promise me that. I want you on me and I want your cock in me and I want you to really pound me."

"Promise me you'll scream."

"I promise, Jas. I need to get dressed. It's too cold to be like this and not doing you know what."

I made room for her. She put on her shirt first. "I'll put the pants on outside."

"Okay?"

"Better."

"If not me, there'll be someone else. Don't act out of desperation. Take your time."

"Not the first guy to mumble I love you in the middle of a gangbang, hunh?"

"Still choosing yes?"

"Never a doubt."

"Ready to go?"

"In a minute. I feel so domestic in here with you. That's a surprise."

Chapter 14

I had a lot on my mind, when I got to the Johnston's after school, from earlier talks with Lisa, Lori and Trish. Then Mom said we were going out to eat dinner and I'd meet Tracie and I was glad I hadn't had a lot of time to prepare myself. To prepare myself to do what, I didn't know.

Mom drove and I worried. We went to the same restaurant we'd gone to Sunday night - trés chic. I was dressed in school clothes and Mrs. Johnston wore a short pleated skirt and tight sweater. She looked like a 1950s cheerleader. The suit didn't bat an eye when she told him we had two tables and the other member of our party was waiting.

I saw Tracie's blonde hair from the back and I knew it was her and couldn't understand how I'd been fooled so many times. I followed the suit and Mom; they stopped at Tracie's table and I sat across from her. Tracie gave me a very brief smile and turned to watch her mother sit at another table.

Mrs. Johnston sat at a table close enough to hear us if we, or I, got loud, but not close enough to hear us if I remained civilized. I guess she had hope for me. I turned back to Tracie and she was serious and maybe a little mad at me.

"You needed to see me, I understand."

I just stared at Tracie. I thought I was being allowed to see her.

"In spite of what I wrote." She laid the menu down and closed it.

"I'll have what she has," was what I told the waiter.

Tracie always had more class than me and she showed it. I kept my mouth shut, looked over at Mrs. Johnston and she wasn't paying any attention to us.

The waiter took the menus and I tried to figure out what to say.

"I understand three girls have already asked you to be their steady and you don't know yet which it'll be." Tracie brushed her hair over her ear, looked away.

"Your sister Trish, Lori and Lisa. I'm not sure about Trish, she's nice, but . . . Lori is still broken up over Frank and that's all she can talk about. And I can't figure why Lisa is even interested."

"You can't, can you? Just be quiet for a minute." She watched me for a while. I had to look down.

"What part of my letter did you not understand? It's over, Jas. Over. You have your life. I have my life. Once you stop all this foolishness I can come home again. Do you realize that? It's because of you . . ." She tossed the fork. "Let's eat, not make a scene, and part graciously. Can you manage that?"

I nodded.

"Good. Don't look at me."

I looked at Mrs. Johnston who was talking to the waiter. "I can leave," I said. "Why don't you go sit with your mother?"

"Because we have to do this or they'll never . . . Don't you understand anything?"

"No. Not much." I turned back to her, looking down.

The waiter brought our meal after a very long wait. We both drank water. I didn't even know what I was eating. The entrée was tough like cardboard.

I'd never been through anything like this with anyone. And I could never explain what it felt like. That it felt like sinking ever deeper in a pit. No light, no warmth. Nothing, but I cherished the pit and wanted to go deeper.

"I bet you carry the letter around with you, don't you? You have it now. Don't you? That's stupid, Jas. It's over. I'm your past. You have a future."

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"Give me the letter. Give it to me." When I didn't move, she kicked me under the table. "Now! Give me the letter, we'll talk for a minute and you can go sit in the car. Where is it?"

I'd never heard Tracie angry with me, not at her brother who could be stupid sometimes. Not at her sister who could be really obnoxious.

Trish had been good to and for me since Saturday. She was funny, she pushed but stopped when I asked her and never overstepped the limits I set. She was a lot smarter than I ever gave her credit for.

I handed Tracie the folded letter, put my billfold back in my pocket. I heard her open the letter, raised my eyes and watched her read it.

"I think I said it pretty clearly."

"I don't believe you."

"Who said you could talk?" She twisted the letter and held the paper to a candle. She laid the burning spiral on her plate and looked up at me when it was mostly ashes. "Now all you have left are memories, Jas, and memories fade."

I saw her smile at me and if I hadn't noticed a twitch in her lip, I would have believed her. "You said you loved me. I have that. I said I loved you. I have that too. You're a part of me, Tracie. As real as the skin you can see, the skin you touched and felt you."

"Don't pretend you're a poet, Jas. You're not."

I turned to look at Mrs. Johnston. She had a glass of wine in her hand. She set it down and returned to her meal. I could see a diner, a man, watching her along with me. He looked as if he couldn't understand her. He didn't know whether or not to feel contempt.

I turned back to Tracie who was stirring the letter's ashes on her plate. She looked up at me. "What do you need, Jas?"

"I need you to release me. I need you to say it's okay for me to see other people."

"This is utterly ridiculous. That's silly, Jas. There's nothing keeping you from doing that."

"Say I can, Tracie. Just say it. I'll leave, go wait outside for your mother to finish and you're done with me."

"Was my sister a good fuck?" She didn't blink.

"We've never . . . I never . . ."

"You expect me to believe that? And Lori last night. You expect me to believe you didn't? What about Lisa following you around like a puppy dog. It's grotesque." She crossed her arms, leaned on her elbows. "Grotesque."

"Tracie, I'm sorry. I'd better go." I pushed the chair back.

"You leave now and we'll have to go through this whole charade again until you get it right."

I put my napkin on the table. "I'll be back in a minute."

I sat across from Mrs. Johnston. "What's going on?"

Mrs. Johnston set her wineglass down, her lips moist. She paused, said, "She loves you. Isn't that obvious?"

I watched Mom eat. She held the knife and fork as if they were surgical implements, used them to carve her meal, separate out bits which were lifted daintily to her mouth. She watched me, didn't stare, didn't smile.

I got up, my eyes filled with tears, found the men's room and sat in a stall. I didn't know what to do, much less what they wanted me to do. I had no idea how long I sat there, whether Tracie or her mother were still in the restaurant.

I walked into the dining room. Tracie looked at me and her gaze never wavered as I went to our table. I sat and saw desert waiting for me.

"Eat," Tracie said.

I wanted to capture her every movement with my mind, hold it forever. She ignored me.

"My desert's done," she said. "You want my release."

"I don't."

"You want my release, you have it. I'm partial toward my sister but Lori's a friend and what Frank and I did to her is shameful. Maybe you can make it up for me. Lisa? I don't know Lisa that well. Do you like her?" Again that slight quiver of the lip.

I shook my head.

"Tell me about Lisa."

"She's beautiful, funny, a little scary. I've never been part of her group. I'm not sure if we can make anything last."

"She's older than you? It won't last, Jas."

"It does."

"Who do you favor?"

I shrugged, "You?" and grinned.

"Wrong answer, Jas." She threw her napkin on the table. "Guess again."

"I don't know. I don't know what I would have done without Trish these past few days. Lori needs me. I think maybe Lisa and I need each other. We're walkers."

"So you have a choice to make. My blessings on all three of them and on you. I . . ." She stopped and her mouth moved but no words came. She covered her eyes, lowered her face so she talked to the table. "I wish you luck. I hope we can be friends sometime in the future. I hope . . ."

"And I'm supposed to walk away and that's that. Tracie, I . . ."

"I hope you come back after college and make a home."

"If you wait, with you."

She shook her head. "There'll be others for both of us, Jas. What we had doesn't."

"Have."

She shook her head and looked at me. "Doesn't last that long. It's ephemeral. It'll die if nothing feeds it."

"Next year after I'm eighteen. I'll skip college."

"You can't." She shook her head, wiped her eyes. "Just let it die, Jas. Please."

"No."

"Pick Lisa." Tracie looked toward her mother. "I have to leave." she stood.

"I love you." I rose to my feet, caught my chair before it went over.

Tracie left not looking back. Mrs. Johnston stood by me, holding my arm. "Don't follow her. Sit down. Sit." She let me go and I sat heavily in the chair. Mrs. Johnston sat in Tracie's place. "Just a minute and we can leave."

I leaned into my hand, elbow scrunching the tablecloth.

"While we wait you can decide if you want to leash me here or outside."

"Here," I said.

She tossed the leash onto the table. "You watched her take other lovers, she'll have to watch you. Jealousy is a strange creature, Jasper. We can go now."

"I need a minute."

"Take as long as you want."

Read the next two chapters

Walking the Dog Page
Chapters 1 and 2 | Chapters 3 and 4 | Chapters 5 and 6
Chapters 7 and 8 | Chapters 9 and 10 | Chapters 11 and 12
Chapters 13 and 14 | Chapters 15 and 16 | Chapters 17 and 18
Chapter 19

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