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| Stories Bingo’s Home Bingo’s Lair |
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Walking the Dog — Chapter 19 |
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| Chapter
19
Monday night and I was walking Barbie while Lisa and the others went out. I still didn't know what to call us, what to call Lisa and the others. The girls? L, L and T? Our gang? And the four of us - The Quartet? That didn't sound right. And when Lisa left us, did that mean we'd have to add another? None of us was sure. We were slowly feeling our way. Nothing's ever simple. Nothing. Except things were falling into place for us. Dad's and my apartment was home. Dad was staying at Dawn's using the apartment for lunch to eat, if he wasn't over at Larry's, and to store clothes and stuff (like mom's things he still kept), so we didn't see him often. It would be a little different in the summer. Barbie and I had done poker night at 23 Maple, a birthday party and a string of oners. I'd been working on a letter for Tracie all day and thought it was just about done. Trish said she'd pass it along, after reading it of course, which was okay. We'd all talked about it for the past two weeks. Oners were more fun for me than the usual event. That's a generalization and I could immediately think about exceptions, like laundromat guy. And some events were fun, like the birthday party earlier tonight. But generally the average oner isn't going to totally ignore me or, just the opposite, involve me too much with what was happening. It's best I'm involved as little as possible. I'm the walker, not the gofer, prop boy or camera person. The letter was this: "Dear Tracie, "I thought I'd try to tell you what's happened. I have two steadies and I walk two women. I walk your mother full time and Lori in my spare time. Lisa is my main steady. Trish is my backup steady which sounds weird (how typically Jas you must be thinking), but Lisa, like you, is older than me. We'll be separated by months, not a year, and during the interval Trish and Lori will be my steadies. "It's goofy as hell and makes me sound like a sex maniac but you already know how much time I have available since I'm a walker. "What can I say except it's great to have them there at home when I get in late at night. And it's great to know that Trish and Lori are getting the support they need. "This is more formal than I wanted. But it's hard to talk about seeing you at school and not saying a word to you. But I know I wouldn't be able to stop with just a word. When Lisa passes over to the other side, she's promised me she'll look you up. Which sounds strange. We all go to the same school, live in the same town, and it's hard to cross that chasm of our ages. "Lisa will be waiting for me as I will be waiting for Trish and Lori. And I hope you'll be waiting for Lisa. And me. "Lisa? She was Donald's walker, has an irreverent and ready quip for every situation, is smart and beautiful, and is very much in love with Trish and Lori. Maybe Trish a little more. She's also in love with me and I her. "What do I love about her? "I love how her body, words and actions evoke memories of you. "I'm all tangled up, Tracie. Still. Love is not ephemeral. It lasts. How long it lasts, I don't know. As long as your father's for Donald? I hope so. I hope longer. "Trish says you're living at home until school ends and then you plan to take a small house near your grandmother's. Of course you know already where Trish is and where I am. "I notice your light on sometimes when your mother and I return late at night. "This is getting confused and I'm not sure writing more will add sense to it. So I'm going to end now. "It doesn't demean Lisa to say I love her because she reminds me of you. Loving you has made it easier to love others. And I hope you find the same is true. That's scary to write because what I want you to say is that you'll love me and wait for me forever. "But it doesn't matter, does it? Love isn't ephemeral. "Jas. "PS Trish and several others will be reading this. Partly to know my mind better, partly to help keep me from making an ass of myself. If you see this, then realize it isn't just from me. That the I is a group. We love you." I folded the letter and put it in the envelope. Tracie was used to my scrawl. The paper wasn't fancy, the pen a Bic. The envelope wasn't even sealed with a kiss. What I couldn't tell Tracie was how indescribably lucky I was to fall into a crowded bed at night. To wake up in the morning to utter craziness. If I thought what we have would survive for long past my eighteenth birthday, I'd do everything I could to preserve it. But I'm not sure. Lisa will be waiting for me. That helps. Barbie came into the living room and sat next to me. I pushed my glass of water toward her and she took a drink. She was getting that look, that glow. I checked the itinerary and our next stop was a party near Langston and Fairfield, downtown. I leashed Barbie and we left. It was warmer. Barbie had replaced her red robe with a white man's shirt, sleeves unbuttoned and loosely rolled, the buttons in front fastened or not according to her whim. She still wore high heels, I think purely for aesthetic reasons, but wasn't entirely sure about that. She never wore sneakers, my choice of footwear. We could hear the party from the street. It wasn't that loud; the music was turned up a little and there were voices. Barbie led up the steps and waited while I knocked. I unleashed Barbie as soon as we were in. She was taken by the hostess to the bedroom. I knew everyone, by face at least, so I relaxed on the couch. People were polite but I wasn't part of the party — there were no people my age — more an observer. An anthropologist whose field notes were kept in his head. I could see the bedroom from my seat and I saw the hostess come out with Tracie. Tracie wore jeans and a t-shirt. She saw me, went into another room, the kitchen, and came out with a glass in her hand. She talked with people standing by the hall, then came over to the couch. "Could I?" she asked the man next to me. He got up, not saying a word. She sat next to me, took a drink of what looked like juice. "Fancy meeting you here, Jas." "Is this okay?" "Is this okay with you?" I nodded. She took a drink. "I still haven't found a good walker." I didn't know what to say. "It's not a real problem yet." She looked away from me. "Do you want suggestions?" She nodded, took a drink, still looking away. "There's Lisa. She walked Donald. There's Lori." "You're busy." "I have a letter for you." She nodded. "But Trish needs to see it first." She set the glass on the table. At that moment Barbie gave a yell. Tracie froze, said, "I've never heard her like that." "Do you have someone to take you home?" "I'm okay. It's just strange. You couldn't be my walker, could you?" "It's best if you're not emotionally attached." "You do Lori." "You know about Lori?" "I know about Lori, Trish and Lisa and your apartment where you all stay. You've become a scandal, except to grandmother. She wants to join the melange." I heard words like "scandal" and "melange" and the tone with which "your apartment" was said. "Do you get enough sleep?" I asked. She shook her head. "I keep pretty much the same hours you do. You know how that is." "It'll be easier when school is out. Melange is a much better word than quartet which is the best I could come up with. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I didn't put it in the letter, but you're invited to visit the melange any time you want. You pretty much know what times I'm there and I'm not." "I know you're busy." She said this as if each succeeding word slowly diminished in vitality. "Do you want me to be your walker?" "You can't." A dead tone. "Look at me," I said. She turned slowly, left the glass on the table. "Don't move." I touched her collar. I took the leash out of my pocket, clipped it onto the collar, and laid the leash in her lap. "All you have to do is hand me the leash." "What about my mother?" Her fingers twisted the mesh ribbon of the leash. "Lisa will walk her. I'd have to check first. But I think she will. Lori after Lisa. Or Lori could walk you. It's confusing. When I walk your mother we barely talk, usually never. Is that okay?" Tracie unclipped the leash, handed it to me. "I don't think so." "Walking you won't change my feelings, Tracie." She shook her head, picked up her glass. "I'd better go." "Visit the melange sometime when I'm not there. Ask Lisa. I'll ask Lisa tomorrow if she can." Tracie's face stiffened. I wanted to touch her, push her hair behind her ear and touch her cheek. "Give the melange a chance, Tracie. We're flexible." "Jas, I don't even want to imagine what you're doing much less see where you do it." "Tracie, I . . ." I shrugged. "I don't know what to say." "That's okay. I'm leaving." "Tracie." I rose and touched her arm, jerked my hand back. "Promise me you'll read my letter. Please." She shrugged. "I should go." "I love you." "I know." She turned from me, took a step. She looked like she was about to do something - turn or speak - stopped dead still for a second before she took a step. She walked to the hall, looked sideways at me for a moment, even smiled, and left.
Walking
the Dog Page
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