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Ryan Sylander Looking Through The Lens http://www.asstr.org/~ryansylander/ Chapter 9: Good Times, Bad Times
The rollercoaster emerged from the dark tunnel, and started to climb up towards the next peak.� Lara shrieked and tightened her death grip on my arm, as we swept up and around a jarring curve.� As my head bounced back and forth between the head pads, I wondered why anyone rode these things.� We actually paid money to get thrown around by a crazy machine! When the ride finally ended, I felt as though I had been put in a clothes dryer.� Lara was wearing a large grin as we walked down the exit ramp.� She grabbed my hand, and started pulling me around the fencing towards the end of the long snake of people waiting to get on. �No!� No way!� I�m not going again,� I said. �Why not?� That was awesome!� �I�m not waiting in line for an hour, just to get beat up for one or two minutes.� Besides, I feel a little uneasy right now.� Lara pouted. �Go ahead,� I said, �I�ll wait here for you.� �No, that�ll take too long.� �Tell you what� I�ll go look for my stomach, and then I�ll come back and meet you here.� In like, half an hour or so.� Lara considered, and then got into the line.� �All right, see you later.� Don�t ditch me, okay?� I went and got a Pepsi from a nearby food stand, and sat at a picnic table.� I sipped the drink slowly, trying to feel like I was on solid ground again.� My stomach was definitely out of sorts. We were here on a Recreational Department trip.� The town organized a few trips a year to amusement parks, or ski resorts outside of the Catskills.� The high school kids could sign up and go for a reasonable fee.� Ray, a thirty-something camp-counselor-type guy, was the chaperone. He generally left us alone after cracking a few stupid jokes on the first part of the bus ride.� As long as we were at the exit by five o�clock, he was happy. Every school in the tri-state area must have scheduled their trip to Six Flags this same weekend.� The place was mobbed with teenagers.� If you didn�t have a meeting time planned, the chances of finding someone that you split from were zero.� �Hi, Matt.� I looked up, and was surprised to see Carmen.� Well, maybe not zero, I thought to myself.� She was one of the few freshmen besides Lara and me who had come on the trip.� I noticed that her two friends were sitting over on the edge of a large fountain, trying to pretend they weren�t watching us. I had been somewhat worried about the situation with Carmen, since my talk with Lara.� She was on my mental list of people to speak to, and work things out with.� I felt bad about how I had treated her.� I didn�t know exactly how to broach it, though.� I couldn�t just go up to her and say �Sorry for being a dick and screwing you and taking your virginity when you were drunk.�� But I had to say something to her.� A few times, I had actually approached her and we�d had a surprisingly friendly chat.� It never seemed the right moment for serious talk, though.� Maybe now was the time to apologize and restore some dignity.� I had a half hour.� I took a deep breath and mustered up some courage. �Hey.�� That was the best I could manage?� I took a long sip of my drink, and looked around at the crowd. �Can I sit?� she asked, after a moment. �Sure.�� I gestured vaguely at the bench across the table. �Where�s Lara?�� She came around and sat next to me, closer than I thought was necessary. I gestured with a thumb.� �On the coaster.� We just went, but I didn�t think I could handle another ride so soon.� �Yeah, we went on it a few times this morning.� But the line is crazy, now!� There was an awkward silence.� Then we both spoke at once. �Listen�� �Can I�� We stopped and looked at each other. �Sorry, go ahead,� she said. �No, you first.�� I wasn�t sure what was even going to come out of my mouth.� I had only formed the first few words of a sentence, and hoped that the rest would come on the fly.� Her interruption was merciful. �I was going to say that you seem to be different these last few weeks.� �How�s that?� I asked carefully. �I don�t know, more relaxed...� I shrugged.� �I guess.� School�s almost over.� �Yeah, that�s cool.� Just some finals in a few weeks, and we�re done.� �Yeah.� She fidgeted for a moment, looking at her distant friends, perhaps for some support.� They were still watching. �I miss hanging out with you,� she said. I felt my stomach twist, even though I wasn�t on the roller coaster anymore.� I hoped that she didn�t want to get back together.� Although I did want to make peace with her, I did not want to be her boyfriend. �Yeah, it�s been a while,� I said vaguely.� I was determined not to let her get a handhold, so I spoke again when I saw her start to talk.� It was time to drag that night out onto the table. �I was going to say, earlier, that I feel bad about what happened a few months ago, you know?� �Oh, Matt, don�t feel bad,� she said, responding instantly by placing a hand on mine.� �I mean, if you didn�t mean to do it, I understand.� �I guess I just want to apologize, also, for never talking to you about it.� �Well, that�s kind of what breaking up means, right?� she said, laughing a little. ��Yeah, I guess.� But I still could have talked to you about it.� �Well, you can take it back if you want,� she said shyly. Take it back?� What was she talking about?� �Um, you can�t really take something like that back,� I said with a frown. �Well, if you say you�re sorry about it, we�ll just pretend it never happened.�� She smiled at me sweetly. I thought for a moment.� Maybe denial was her way of dealing with it.� I wasn�t sure if that was too healthy, but I didn�t really want to argue with her since I didn�t have a better suggestion. �Um� I guess we can do that.� If you feel comfortable with that...� I am really sorry.� I mean, I was a real asshole.� I didn�t really consider how you�d feel.� So, yeah, I am sorry.� You just want to pretend it never happened though?� �Yeah, let�s just forget about that bad time,� she said, holding my arm.� I looked at her hand, curled around my forearm.� Something was wrong here; she seemed really happy.� Then again, maybe this had been weighing on her too, and having some closure was a huge relief. ��All right, let�s forget about it,� I said slowly. �So are you meeting Lara soon, or do you want to go on a ride?� she asked. �I�m meeting her in about twenty minutes.� �Come on, we�ll be back by then.�� Carmen stood and pulled me up. �Where are we going?�� I asked. �Just to that ride there,� she pointed. We got on a short line for an old ride.� Neither of us spoke until we got on.� It was a floating boat that went through a house with strange mirrors and mildly scary scenes in different rooms.� �So does this go over a waterfall at the end, or what�s the point?� I asked as we moved slowly along the channel. �I just thought it would be fun,� she said, as she put her hand on mine. What the fuck was going on here?� As we went through a few rooms, I wondered if Carmen had gone crazy.� This was the worst ride ever!� As we went through a very dark tunnel, something loomed up right in front of me.� I ducked back into my seat, startled. �Before I could think, someone was on top of me. The person kissed me aggressively, and I realized it was Carmen.� I struggled to push her off.� �What are you doing?� I blurted out. �I...� I just thought, you know, that... since�� she stammered. I was speechless.� So just because we decided to forget we ever had sex, now she wanted to try again in this boat?� She was frozen in place, sitting lightly on my knee, with a hand on my shoulder and a knee between my thighs.� My mouth moved soundlessly, as I tried to imagine what could possibly be the reason for me being in this situation. �Um, what are you doing?� I finally asked again. �I�m sorry, Matt, I didn�t mean to rush things,� she said, her voice small. Rush things?� We weren�t going anywhere!� I thought I had made that clear when I broke up with her. �Am I missing something here?� I asked.� �What do you mean?� I thought that since things were going back to how they were, it would be okay to kiss you.� �Um, going back to how they were?�� Something was definitely wrong.� My head was spinning in confusion. �I thought you just said a few minutes ago that we could forget about what happened.� I told you that you could take back breaking up with me if you wanted.� �What?� I exclaimed. �Hello, Matt?� Were you not just talking to me outside?� We had a talk on the picnic table?�� Her disembodied voice floated before me. Oh shit, I thought.� �You were talking about when I broke up with you?� �What?� �When you said take it back, you meant the breaking up part?� �Well, yeah?� What were you talking about?� I could almost see the frown on her face. Oh, shit. The ride ended suddenly as we burst through a curtain into the bright unloading area.� Some kids on the line pointed and laughed as they saw Carmen quickly climbing off of me.� We collected ourselves and scrambled out of the boat, away from the stupid crowd watching us with stupid grins. I walked around to the side of the ride, feeling ill.� My stomach was really uneasy now.� Carmen followed behind me.� I sat on a concrete block, and cradled my head in my hands. �Matt, are you okay?� I ignored her.� Nothing was ever easy!� Carmen could have been clearer about what she was talking about.� I felt like an idiot for thinking she was talking about the sex, and to top it off, now I had to break up with her a second time!� If there was ever an award for being an accidental asshole, I�d win it, for sure. �Matt?� �Just give me a moment, all right?� I stabbed wildly for something to tell Carmen.� If I hadn�t been talking about the breaking up, then what?� If I told her I thought she had meant the sex, how insensitive would that be?� But what else could I say?� I finally stood up, avoiding her eyes. �Carmen, look.� I think you must have heard me wrong.� I didn�t say things were going to go back to how they were before.� �But you said�� �I know what I said.� I didn�t really know what you meant though.� All I wanted was to say I am sorry for the way I treated you.� But I didn�t�� I�m not looking to be with anyone, right now.� �You said we could go back to how things were,� she said, looking on the verge of tears. �I don�t think I said that.� Maybe you said that.� I don�t remember.� I still would like to be friends though,� I added, trying to soften the conversation.� It didn�t work. �You�re such a dick.� I don�t even want to be friends with you.� Carmen ran off before I could reply.� I just watched as she melted into the happy crowd.� I sat down again, and tried to fight off the urge to throw up.
After some time, I remembered Lara.� I ran over to the roller coaster exit.� She was nowhere to be seen.� It was about forty-five minutes since she had gotten in line.� She probably was walking around looking for me.� Or maybe she thought I ditched her, and she went on the ride again.� I started looking around anxiously, wading through throngs of people.� I hoped that I hadn�t missed her.� I was worried that I would run into Carmen, too. And to top it off, I was still feeling crappy in the stomach. After ten minutes of wandering the vicinity, I went back to the coaster exit, resigned to the fact that I would be spending the rest of the afternoon alone.� Lara still wasn�t there.� I decided to wait a little longer before moving off.� Luckily some people moved, and I snagged a bench, or I probably would have fainted. The last week had been satisfying.� I had worked things out with my mothers, without having to divulge anything I didn�t want them to know.� I had to admire their trust, considering how long I had been out of sorts.� But they mostly wanted Lara and me to have a healthy relationship with each other.� The details they left up to us. Nothing much changed with my friends.� We still hiked and hung out, generally acting as boys our age do.� I didn�t talk about my problems with them, and they didn�t really ask.� I wasn�t grounded anymore, so I was also playing music with the guys again.� I had gotten pretty rusty from a few months of not touching the guitar, but it was fun to jam again.� I didn�t go to any parties, however, in an effort to stay in control of my life.� I had vowed to take things slow.� Again. Lara and I had talked more, as well.� I told her about my time with Carmen, and she told me more about her fling with Ronnie, the junior jock whom I didn�t like.� It turned out she didn�t really like him after all.� She was glad that they had never had sex, although he was pushing for that.� I cringed when I thought of how I had pushed Carmen for sex, and I had actually gotten it.� Did that make me more of an asshole than Lara�s ex-boyfriend, whom I hated?� I didn�t really want to go there. So it seemed like everything was slowly getting back to normal.� And then I went and fucked things up with Carmen.� In order to get rid of that hollow feeling that still lived inside me, she was the last piece of the broken vase I had to glue back together.� Oh! Except for the giant hole that was Julie.� I wasn�t sure what was going to happen with her.� Up until I found Heather�s note, I was ready to argue strongly against going to Montauk this summer.� I thought I had at least a chance of convincing my parents not to take us there.� I didn�t want to have to see Julie, and maybe they would understand and invite my aunt and uncle up to our house instead. But after the camping trip discovery, I had different feelings.� I wanted to go back so I could maybe see Heather again, and tell her that I had never seen her note until long after.� Or maybe pretend I never saw it at all.� And then what?� I wasn�t sure, but I longed to hang out with her.� Who knew what might happen this time? A few days after we got back from the camping trip where I found her note, I had even called information and gotten the phone number for Martin�s, her family�s fish shop.� But I couldn�t roust up the courage to call.� She probably had forgotten me. I hated calling people I didn�t know and trying to explain who I was.� Inevitably, I felt like a total idiot, cringing as the person on the other end of the line tells me they have no idea who is talking to them. �No, if I ever spoke to her again, it would have to be in person.� So the urge to go to Montauk was back. Besides, I probably wouldn�t have to see Julie.� I wasn�t sure if Lara would want to see her, but I was pretty sure Lara would be respectful.� She would not invite Julie over when I was there if I asked her not to.� �Are you ready, Matt?� I turned, and saw Lara coming down the walkway towards me.� I breathed a sigh of relief.� �Are you feeling all right?� she asked.� �You look green.� I moved over and patted the bench corner.� Lara squeezed onto it. �Ran into Carmen,� I said. �Oh.� Did you talk?� �Yeah.� Everything�s fucked up.� �Why?� I summarized the conversation I had with Carmen and the subsequent haunted house assault. �So she thought you wanted to get back together with her?� Lara asked. �Apparently.� �Did you agree to that?� �Well, no, but�� I didn�t know we were talking about that!� I thought I was apologizing for the night we had sex.� So I don�t know what I agreed to, when you look at it from her perspective.� For all I know I owe her money, too!� �She�s so weird.� Let me talk to her.� �No, you don�t have to,� I said quickly.� This was complicated enough. �It�s fine.� She needs some perspective adjustment.� �Lara�� �Matt, let me do this for you.� She seemed pretty set on it. �All right, just don�t tell her I was talking about the sex.� I mean, it seems really asshole-ish now.� �Matt, don�t worry, I�ll handle it.� �Thanks.� �Come on, let�s get wet.� Lara pulled me up and we spent the rest of the day enjoying the water rides.� Her enthusiasm for excitement was contagious, and I ended up mostly forgetting about the run-in with Carmen.
Lara sat with Carmen for a part of the four-hour ride back home.� Somehow, Lara managed to placate her.� I didn�t know how, and she didn�t really say, specifically.� I decided not to press her, since she had done me the favor.� I owed Lara big time, again.� Carmen even came up to me at school the next day and apologized for the park ride incident.� I brushed her apology aside, and told her that it was my fault for not understanding her.� The conversation quickly turned into a self-blame exercise, so finally I just suggested we forget about the amusement park episode, and be friends.� We both agreed to start fresh from there. Finals approached, and mostly I studied.� I had had my best year at school ever, oddly enough, and I was determined to finish on a high note.� Apart from a few band rehearsals, I spent those last weeks of school reading and preparing for the tests.
One day after school, Melissa announced that we were going out to eat.� She also said that we had some family business to talk about.� I was a little nervous, wondering what that could mean. �What do you think tonight is about?� I asked Lara as we walked back to the house after taking the trash out to the end of our long driveway. �I don�t know.� Probably something about this summer.� �Mm.� Do you know where we�re eating?� �Probably the Red Sand,� she answered. �Figures.�� The Red Sand Caf� was our parents� favorite place to eat. �Well, it�s their kind of place.� �What do you mean?� I asked. Lara just looked at me with a smile.� �You need to be more observant.� �What?� �Nothing.� Lara went inside, smiling to herself.
When we got to the Red Sand, I decided to be more observant.� Everything was normal, for a restaurant.� I looked around for a while, wondering what Lara meant, but the only thing I could think of was that the food was good, and that my moms liked to eat good food. �So� Matt, Lara.� Do you want to go to Montauk this summer?�� Melissa asked after we had ordered. Lara just looked at me.� So did Sarah and Melissa.� Obviously the question was mostly for me. �Sure,� I said, tossing off a shrug.� My mothers looked at me in surprise for an instant, then at each other, and then recovered.� �Okay, then...� That was easy!� Sarah said cheerily.� Obviously they were expecting a different answer. �Why wouldn�t we go?� I asked innocently. Melissa gave me a small smile, and nodded.� I had the impression that she suddenly saw me as being a little older. �All right, next item.� Do we want to host a brother and sister from Ireland here at our house next year?� Sarah and Melissa looked at Lara and me.� We glanced at each other with questioning looks.� What did this even mean? �For the whole year?� asked Lara. �No, for the springtime.� It�s an exchange program, and they would be here for the second half of the school year.� �In class with us?� I asked. �Yes, they are twins, and they would go to classes with you.� Lara and I looked at each other again.� It sounded fun to me, as long as they were cool.� The second half of the school year could be long if they turned out to be annoying, though. Lara shrugged, and asked me, �What do you think?� �I guess it�s all right with me,� I said. �Well, think about it,� Sarah said, �you don�t have to answer right now.� I was watching a waitress when something caught my eye.� She was wearing a black tank top and ankle length black skirt.� On first glance, she seemed fairly normal, like she could be any of my friends� mothers.� But when she turned away from the table she had just served, her skirt twirled up and I noticed a large tattoo on her right leg.� It snaked up and under her skirt.� It was somewhat shocking:� looking at her, I would not have guessed that she sported one.� �Do you know anything about them?� Lara asked. �Let�s see, they both play music, and� they would like to learn to ski, and�� Melissa looked at Sarah with pursed lips.� �Her name is Muireann, and his name is Tommy,� Sarah added.� I turned my attention back to the conversation.� Muireann.� Sounded exotic.� Maybe having a girl my age around wouldn�t be so bad after all. �When would they come?� Lara asked. �Right after the Christmas holiday break, and they would stay until May.� �I think it would be fun,� Lara said. �Me too,� I added. So it was decided.� My parents would put in the request for us to host the Irish twins.
�So, what about these kids coming?� I said to Lara as we walked through the woods towards the stream behind our house. �Yeah, that will be interesting!� I can�t wait.�� Lara was in a playful mood. �Hope they are cool,� I said. �I hope they�re hot, too,� Lara said with a giggle. I almost said �Tommy?� but then remembered that I would not be the only one in the house possibly interested in Muireann.� I felt slightly strange at that thought.� Then again, it wasn�t even decided that they were coming yet.� The school had to formally approve all the arrangements, of course. �Jumping the gun, aren�t we?� I asked as we reached the stream, and took off our shoes and socks. �Well, you know...� Who knows what can happen?� Lara said as she took off her shirt and bra.� �I�d move to Ireland.� It�s beautiful there.� �Move to Ireland, yeah,� I laughed.� I peeled my pants and underwear off, and then pulled my shirt off.� �That�ll happen, for sure.� �Well, you never know when you�ll meet the person of your dreams.� �Oh-kay, Lara.� �Well, you don�t!� I�m just saying.� We walked into the stream and sat in the pool next to each other.� The water was refreshing, although still slightly chilly from the last of the mountain snowmelt.� After we floated there in peace for a while, I decided to push the edge of my boundary with Lara a little bit. �So who will it be?� �What?� Lara asked absently. �Which one will be the person of your dreams?� Muireann or Tommy?� Lara looked at me strangely for a moment.� �Matt, I don�t even know them, how am I supposed to answer that?� �I don�t know, just asking,� I said. �Are you worried I�m going to steal Muireann from you?� she teased. �Steal her from me?� Come on, they�re not even coming for sure, yet.� �And yet you already have me deciding which one is the person of my dreams!� �Well, I just meant�I don�t know.� �Oh,� Lara said with a grin, �I see.� Muireann or Tommy, male or female.� �Actually it�s the other way around, Muireann is the girl.� �Don�t be a smart ass.� �Well?� I pressed. �Well what?� �Which one?� �Matt, are you asking me if I think that my soul mate will be female or male?� �Sure.� �Well, it could just as easily be either,� she said simply. �So there�s no difference for you?� �No.� It just depends on the person, not on their sex.� �So being with Julie wasn�t just a novelty?� �Novelty?� Not sure what you mean.� �I guess I�m asking if you really prefer to be with guys, or girls, and the other is just a� I don�t know, side project.� Lara laughed.� �Jeez, you make me sound like such a slut!� I recoiled at the word.� �No!� That�s not what I meant at all!� I just wonder if one is stronger than the other.� Like I know I�m definitely not into guys, so I�m pretty sure my soul mate will be female.� And by pretty sure, I mean like, a hundred percent sure.� �Well, it�s not really like that for me.� I don�t have a lot of experience.� I�ve only been with Julie and James, and both were different, but I can�t say that I know that I�ll end up one way or the other.�� Lara was thoughtful for a moment. �Besides,� she suddenly said, �Look at our moms.� They loved each other, and Dad, too.� They really had something special, I think.� I mean, they somehow managed to have us too.� So I think I may end up more like them.� �Hmm�� That�s cool.� After some silence, Lara spoke again. �You�re wondering if I would go for Muireann, because you want her for yourself,� Lara said, with an evil grin. �God, Lara!� For all I know, she could be annoying and ugly.� Lara looked me in the eye mischievously.� �Yeah, but what if she�s sweet and gorgeous, with beautiful red hair and smooth pale skin.�� I felt a dangerous twitch in my groin as I pictured Lara�s description of Muireann.� My penis was growing despite the cold water and negative thoughts I was sending its way.� I panicked some as I realized I was getting hard, and Lara was sitting right next to me.� We were submerged up to our shoulders, but there wasn�t much wind on the pool that day, so if she looked hard enough she would notice.� Ever since we were small, we often bathed nude in our stream.� Nudity wasn�t an issue between us.� But an erection had certainly never� well, come up. �Maybe so, but they�re not even definitely coming,� I repeated, somewhat lamely.� �I know, I was just teasing you.� I tried to position my legs to cover myself, but I needed them anchored to the bottom to keep me from floating downstream.� Finally my penis started to relax again. �I wouldn�t go for her if you said you were interested,� Lara said simply. �Are these the kind of deals you make with your girlfriends?� I asked. �Sometimes.� Is it weird?� �What?� �That we can want the same person?� �I don�t know.� I�d be lying if I said I didn�t think about it, but it�s not weird weird.� Just different weird.� It�s like it�s something I don�t expect at first, when it comes up.� But then it�s okay.� We sat in silence again.� The stream swept past us, occasionally floating a leaf from some higher elevation tree on its journey towards the next pool.� I wondered how far the leaves could go.� All the way to the ocean? �What do you think it was like for our parents, back when they were together?� Lara asked. �What do you mean?� �Like, do you think they were together just as couples, or all together at the same time?� �You mean sex-wise?� I don�t know.� I don�t even want to imagine that.� �Why not?� It�s not a big deal.� �It makes me feel weird.� �Why?� �I don�t know.� I start picturing things� and, you know, it�s our parents!� �So, they do the same things everyone else does.�� Lara seemed like she wasn�t bothered by the idea at all. �I know, but it�s still weird.� See?� Now that�s weird weird,� I said. �I don�t see how talking with your sister about having sex is not weird, but it is weird when it�s about our parents?� I didn�t have an answer.� Lara�s observation actually made me more self-conscious of talking about sex with her, rather than less worried about talking about our parents. �I guess I don�t picture you having sex, either.� It�s detached,� I said suddenly.� �So you haven�t pictured me?� �No, not really.� That�s kind of weird, too.� Lara just watched me. �Do you picture me?� I asked suddenly, with a grimace. �Sometimes.� I know pretty well what Julie looks like nude, and I know very well what you look like nude, so it�s not too hard to put one on top of the other.�� She grinned richly. �Lara!� That�s� that�s nasty!�� A shocked look hung on my face as I stared at her.� But then why was my penis going up again, I wondered to myself? �No, it�s not.� It�s just what happens.� See, watch, I�ll do it right now.� Lara closed her eyes, and turned her face up to the sky.� For a few moments she did nothing.� Then she started making low moaning noises.� �Oh, Matt, yes�!� she said in a high voice. �Julie, that�s so good!� she said gruffly. �Don�t stop Matt, oh, oh�� I splashed her with a big jet of water, and she sputtered around for a second, clearing her eyes. �Lara, quit it!� That�s gross!� Lara just looked at me for a moment, and then started laughing.� �You can�t stop me, Matt.� I can picture you anytime I want.� Doing it right now, actually.� Oh look, there�s Matt, on top of Julie!� Tee hee!� I felt very self-conscious and wanted to get out of the pool, but I had a definite erection, so that was not an option.� �Lara, I�m serious!� Please stop.� Lara sensed the tone in my voice and immediately stopped her tease. �Sorry, Matt.� I thought it was funny.� But I guess it wasn�t, especially since it involved Julie.� I shrugged.� �It�s not that.� �What then?� �I don�t know.� It�s just weird to see you imagining me naked.� �Why?� I look at you; I know what you look like.� Don�t you ever imagine me naked?� �No, I don�t, really.� I don�t watch you when you�re nude in front of me, and I don�t picture you in the nude... �Man, this conversation is definitely weird weird, now!�� I moved around uncomfortably in the pool, putting a little distance between us. �Matt, relax.� You need to chill out.� Here, I�ll do you a favor.� Lara stood up and climbed up onto shore.� I sat frozen in the water, looking away from Lara. �Matt, look at me.� �Lara, what the hell are you doing?�� I avoided looking at her, though I could tell she was standing on the rock facing me. �Matt, look at me.� I finally turned up to her.� I looked her in the face for a moment before turning away again, shielding her form from me with a hand. �It�s just me,� she said.� �You�ve seen me nude.� Why is this a problem?� �You�re my sister.� This is wrong!� �We�re not doing anything wrong, Matt.� Are you worried that you will find me attractive?� That I�ll turn you on?� Her words tingled me like droplets from an icicle.� What was she doing?� How did we even get to this place in the conversation?� She was ripping through taboo barriers that I thought were unbreakable. �Look, Matt, I�m not trying to scare you,� she said softly. �Well, you sure are scaring the shit out of me.� I heard a splash of water next to me, so I peeked out and saw that she was back underwater again.� I relaxed a little, though I was still wary. �I just was trying to show you that seeing me naked is not a big deal.� �Well, it never was�� Until now!� We sat quietly for a while.� I avoided looking at Lara. �I�m sorry,� she said.� �I didn�t mean to scare you.� I shrugged.� �It�s just weird when your sister wants you to look at her naked bod.� �If you say so, then I�ll go with that.� I still don�t see the big deal.� It�s not like we�re having sex or anything.� �Aw, Lara!� Come on, quit it!�� I looked at her.� �That would be weird weird,� she agreed.� Then she started laughing. �What now?� I asked.� I wasn�t mad at her, just feeling strange. �Nothing, you�re just funny.� �Are you picturing me nude, again?� I asked suddenly. �No!� I swear to god, I�m not.�� She watched me for a little while longer.� �You�re afraid of the I-word,� she said. �I-word?� I asked. �Yeah.� I knew what she meant. �Well�� You know�� Why shouldn�t I be?� I blurted out.� �That�s weird shit!� �Yeah, I know.� I�m not coming on to you or anything, Matt.� I just thought you would be open-minded talking about something like that.� I sat quietly for a moment, considering the maelstrom of thoughts in my head.� Once again, I was probably being overly dramatic.� What was the big deal anyways?� It was, after all, just my sister. �All right, fine,� I said, �it�s not a big deal.� I have pictured you with Julie a few times, although not during my finest moments, but so be it.� It�s just a little freaky to� to� to see you act like� I don�t know what I�m trying to say.� I guess when you hear about stuff like that, it�s what mountain people do.� �We are mountain people, Matt.� �See, right there!� I said, gesturing to her, as if the words were floating on the surface before her.� �It�s like you�re saying it�s okay!� That�s what�s weird.� �I�m just teasing you.� Like I said, seriously, I�m not coming on to you or suggesting anything like that.� �Okay, that�s good to hear,� I said, with some relief. �I just don�t see how if I picture you naked with someone, that it�s a big deal.� �Okay, that�s fine too.�� I wasn�t totally sold on that, but I didn�t want to argue it again. �Are we all right?� �Yeah,� I nodded.� �Let�s go eat then, it�s getting late.� Lara climbed out and dried off with her towel.� I avoided looking at her as I got out and dried off as well.� I was suddenly conscious of my nudity as I never had been before. �Matt, I know this was probably an awkward conversation.� I�m sorry.� �I�m all right,� I said.� I looked at her.� She was standing naked, holding her clothes in her hands.� She watched me looking at her. �I guess it�s not a big deal, really.� I said, glancing at her body.� I wasn�t aroused, as I feared I would be, even though Lara was clearly very nice to look at.� She had really become a good-looking young woman. �Just boobs, a vagina... you know, the usual girl parts,� she said, bending over to put on her underwear. �Yeah.�� I put on my clothes as well. �I don�t care if you look at me,� Lara said.� �I look at you.� It�s interesting.� �Interesting?� �Yeah.� What is it like to have that thing dangling around all day?� �I don�t know any different.� �True,� she agreed.� She stood and looked at me with a grin.� �Not so bad, is it?� �No, I guess not.� �Come on, time to hit the sack,� she said with a wink. �Lara�� I warned. �Lighten up.� It�ll just be our private joke.� I�m just kidding around with you.� I sighed.� �Okay, but not in front of anyone else, all right?� �Hey, did you notice anything last night?� Lara asked suddenly. �Oh, at the Red Sand?� �Yeah?� �I don�t know.� Do all the waitresses have tattoos?� I asked. Lara laughed hard for a few moments.�� �Oh Matt!� You�re funny.� �What?� One of them did.� �Didn�t you look at the people who were eating there?� I cast about in my memory of the diners.� �Seemed normal to me.� �A lot of the people who go there are gay or bisexual.� �What?� How do you know?� �Just look at the people who sit together.� �So what?� Just because two women are eating out together, that makes them lesbians?� �If they�re eating each other out, then I�d say they definitely are lesbians,� she said mischievously. �Funny.� You know what I meant.� If two women are having dinner together, that doesn�t mean anything.� �No, but you can just tell.� I shrugged.� �I just don�t see that.� Lara frowned.� �Hmm, I guess maybe you�re not in tune with that then.� �I guess not.� �Well, check it out next time.� I just made a face. Lara ran off towards the house.� �Last one in, does dishes tonight!� she yelled over her shoulder. I cursed and made chase, but she was too far ahead.� When I got up on the deck, she was already sitting in a chair, legs propped up like she had been there for hours.� It looked like I was going to be washing plates. �You�re slow,� she said, getting up and opening the front door. I ignored her.� She closed the door suddenly, and looked at me with a mischievous grin. �So you said that you imagined Julie and me together?� she asked.� I rolled my eyes, and spoke impatiently.� �Yes, Lara, when you told me about the two of you, I had� visions, yes.� I admit it.� Lara leaned in close to me.� �Did you ever�� She paused, smiling shyly, though I could see the defiance deep in her eyes. �Ever what?� I asked, wondering what she was up to. �Did you ever imagine Julie with me, and� with you?� Lara giggled and went inside, leaving me standing on the porch with my mouth wide open.
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