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I open my eyes. It is dark, although there is a single streak of l ight coming in through a gap in the blinds. I briefly wonder where I am, but as I roll over and see you, I remember.
You stir slightly, as though wondering why I am awake; over your shoulder I can read the clock. 4:32am. After 4:30 already?
I press my face into your chest lightly, inhaling your scent, feeling the movements of your breathing. When I hold my breath, I can hear your heart beat. As I roll away, you stir, wrapping your arms around me in your sleep. I let you pull me close, enjoying the warmth, and the security I feel with you curled up around me.
I am completely at peace.
I know tomorrow you will be gone...I will wake up without you. As I wake up every morning without you. More elusive than a dream, but unforgettable like a nightmare.
I will wake up alone - but tonight you are mine.
I trace the outline of your fingers on my stomach, memorize the rough texture of your skin against mine. My gentle stroking brings you awake, and I feel your lips on my neck, briefly, before you doze again. Even in your sleep, I can tell you are aroused; I gently pull away and ease you onto your back. As I slowly run my hands along your body, I can feel you stiffen; when you are completely hard I straddle you, easing my weight onto you slowly, careful not to wake you. I lean down and kiss your neck, sucking on it to stifle my gasp as I sink down onto you, feeling you stretch me inside.
As I start grinding my hips on top of yours, you react instinctively in your sleep, thrusting up towards me. Your breathing becomes ragged, as we both move faster and faster. I bend my head down to stimulate your nipple, teasing it with my tongue, nipping it lightly with my teeth, all the while rocking my hips faster and harder on top of you. I can tell you are ready, so I look up to watch your face as you explode inside me. I try hard to commit your features to memory, as I have done so many times before. When you go over the edge, it is more than I can take, and I quickly follow you, biting my lip and clenching my teeth to avoid yelling out.
I collapse on your chest as the convulsions subside, and we slowly roll onto our sides, your arms around me again. I fall asleep cradled in your arms, with you still inside me, although soft now.
I wake again as my alarm goes off at 7:00. Just like every other morning, I am home, in bed, alone. There is no sign of you: no indent on my pillow, no stray hairs. I am not surprised, for this is always the way it is. I know it was not a dream, however; I am slightly sore, my muscles groaning as I roll over to get up, and I have some of our fluids on the inside of my thigh.
I shower quickly, get dressed, and grab a muffin on the way out the door.
Another day of looking for you, trying to locate where it is you take me, who you are, and how I can stay with you, even just once, the next morning. Although I have never heard your voice, and cannot remember your face despite how hard I have tried, I know that I will recognize you when I see you. You may have erased my memory of your face, but I will never forget your scent, your touch, and most of all, how I feel in your arms. You are the ghost that haunts me, and I know you are out there...somewhere... waiting for me to find you.
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