Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.
>top-floor windowUnless her room rise multiple stories, I don't see how this works.
>hooting of an owl//During the day?
>32//Write out numbers this short.
>Six Months Earlier…//There are much more elegant ways of working this into the narration.
Her reaction to the letter is very… bland. I get that there's a certain numbness that comes in these situations, but I can tell you from experience that if you write an emotionally distant character as emotionless, it gets boring quickly. Better to show the contrast between what's going on inside and what she allows out.
>At the Hospital…//Yeah… if you're going to alternate like this, even if it doesn't perfectly follow the pattern, it's not hard to drop cues in the narration that handle this nicely, and after it falls into a regular pattern, the reader will even expect it. It's making the story's time frame feel forced on me, a word I certainly wouldn't use to describe the rest of the story's aspects, so it sticks out.
>The nervousness she felt coming back to her parents' old house was always wiped away by Aunt Rosebud's smile.//While this isn't a bad spot for telling, it's not exactly warming me up to this as a sweet moment, either. Instead of just naming it as nervousness, just a few words of physical symptoms would carry more power, like if a wave of warmth swept away her jitters whenever she saw that smile.
>wrote,//You don't need the comma. Transcribed text doesn't use the same rules as dialogue.
>thinking this was too strong//Note how this phrasing is decidedly external to her mind versus something like her just outright stating that it was too strong. You've been using a pretty subjective narrator, and in my opinion, something like that would suit it better.
>she had felt insecure about her circumstances almost daily//Way too vague. Give me a couple of examples.
>She 's//Extraneous space.
>You still have your dignity.//Wow. That's a really insensitive thing to say. It's actually great, but let me see some more reaction to it. Is Rose really able to keep it under wraps like that? Does Lily realize how it sounded? What does Daisy do?
>even though her kiosk was right between their booths//Comma to set off the dependent clause.
>she wasn't worried about poverty itself. Shame was her great fear, and month by month a nightmare was coming true.//You're risking being too blunt and over-explaining things here.
>If this exercise was supposed to help her out of her depression//At this point, wouldn't she still be in denial about her depression? I don't know how you envision Equestrian law, but based on something you said earlier, I'm not sure they can keep her there against her will.
>and we both have things that need saying//Comma for the dependent clause.
>This was wrong, she thought as he continued.//But you haven't italicized it as a thought.
>Sonny//You spelled it "Sunny" earlier.
>who are you ta-.//Use a proper dash, not a hyphen. And don't put a period after it. The only end punctuation you can put after a dash, and even then, it's optional, are an exclamation mark or question mark.
>Rose collapsed into sobs.//For strong emotion, less is often more. People usually try to control themselves, under most circumstances. You don't want to be melodramatic.
>You taught me how to love.//Ooh, that's pretty cliched.
>I wasn't. your only. secret. Was I?//Using so many periods like this is kind of clumsy, but at least capitalize after them.
>I waited as long as I could, but this hurt was inevitable//Well, only because he decided it was. Couldn't he have made the ultimatum before he cheated?
>This time the tears wouldn't come.//Now, this is much more realistic, compared to her sobbing earlier.
>Daisy's look changed from curiosity to concern.//Show me this. There's a section on show versus tell at the top of this thread. Keep it in mind.
>"They left me."//Well, yeah, she told them to. You had me feeling sympathetic for her, but she just comes across as whiny here.
>Coldheart//Oh, come on. Subtlety is a thing.
>would like to visit with you in a few minutes if you'd like//Kind of a repetitive wording there.
>and everything would be confidential//Another dependent clause needing a comma. There's some info in this under the section on comma use with conjunctions.
>Gathering all the pages she'd filled with her analysis//You didn't give me the sense there were many. Aside from one vague statement, I only ever saw a few words mentioned, and there was never anything indicating she'd spent much time on it.
>He then engaged her in small talk for a few minutes before saying good night.//And how does she react to this? Does it relax her? Make her feel like he's being insincere, or just trying to distract her?
>This wasn't day one of her recovery, Rose thought//You do this a lot: italicize some thoughts, but not italicize others that are directly named as such. It's a bit jarring.
>began splaying outward as her head began to swim//Watch the word repetition. And start/begin actions are weak anyway. Once in a while, they won't hurt, but they're also obvious. Any given action starts. It's only worth pointing that out when the beginning is noteworthy because it's an abrupt change or the action never finishes. They also sap some of the action from the main verb.
>Roseluck opened her eyes as the sun was rising.//I suspect I'll go through and count your "to be" verbs at some point. Suffice it to say they're boring, and it's a good idea to limit them where you can. There are certainly times where a past participle works, but if you changed this to "Roseluck opened her eyes as the sun rose," I don't see that anything is lost. Then you also avoid sapping the action from your verb.
>Glancing toward the doorway, she noticed her new pad of paper beside the bed.//Beware a few aspects of participles. One is that they synchronize actions, so she sees the pad at the same time she glances toward the doorway. While that's possible, you haven't described the layout of these things in a way that makes it intuitive, and I get the sense that one happens after the other anyway.
>This time doesn't have to be a waste. I can find the issue in my thinking//This is quite an about-face from her thinking in the previous chapter. If that's intentional, you might want to ease me into it, say, mention how the new day has her taking a fresh perspective on things.
>you can only count on yourself//Missing end punctuation, but since it's something she's jotting down, it's certainly possible that she would have left it off.
>Rose studied her final list//Now look at the first word of each paragraph so far. Mix it up.
>But her nervousness was soon displaced by hope//This is a pretty emotional point for the story. Show me this.
>They looked frantic.//How so? None of the actions you described seem to convey this. Without convincing me of this through how they look and act, it's more of a cold fact that doesn't get me invested in the characters.
>She grabbed a simple tray of alfalfa and joined them.//And then this. If her parents really look frantic, she's going to get her food first and keep them waiting? And she's going to be so lackadaisical about it?
>sor- sorry//No spaces around the hyphens in a stutter.
>I was going through clinical depression.//This is something I was going to bring up later, in the wrap-up comments at the end, but… Her depression is awful sudden. The implication that she "was going through clinical depression" as of yesterday is a little too abrupt. And this ties in with my problem with her suddenly deciding to attempt suicide. Yes, the events that prompted her depression are sudden, but the feeling itself is a bit more gradual. It's not like flipping a switch. And by giving it more of a forced, artificial treatment like this, you're robbing it of the power it could have.
>Honey, this isn't something you simply snap out of. Getting through this will take time.//Yes. Likewise with getting
into it.
>In fact, I was something of a monster to her.//I could believe his wanting to apologize, but making an admission lik this really looks like plot convenience. You mentioned that the doctor had already spoken to her friends. Wouldn't he have spoken to her parents, too? Wouldn't he want this interaction to occur in a therapy session, where he could mediate? Or at least prepare her for this discussion?
>We've reconciled and he's loved me ever since.//We've reconciled and he's loved me ever since.//Another spot where you need a comma between clauses.
>24//Write it out.
>your doctor is off tomorrow and Monday//Surely, someone else would have the authority to release her. As expensive as she's said this is, they'd force her to stay an extra two days for no good reason? Not buying it.
>Mom, dad…this wasn't your fault.//As a term of address, "Dad" would be capitalized. And they don't react to this?
>Rose came away as sure as ever that the cause of her depression lay somewhere else.//Why is she so intent on self-diagnosing? Isn't this what the doctor's there for?
>topics she had listed – the meaning of life, the importance of her work, and the issue of trust//Given that you're detailing a list of examples or clarifications, a colon would work better than a dash.
>though given the circumstances of your breakup this week//You'll normally set off a participle with a comma.
>she spent the rest of the evening drawing pictures of her with her aunt//First, I'm surprised that you dropped this plot point as long as you had. She certainly felt like it was an important part of her life, but to lose track of it entirely undercuts that sense of importance. I'll also say again that she's making a very rapid recovery. She had certain feelings that drove her to attempt suicide, and they don't go away overnight. Yet she's very upbeat here, especially about the same things that had gotten her depressed in the first place. On the one hand, it's believable that her mood might swing all over the place, but erratically, not this very steady move from wishing herself dead to very optimistic. It's like you're condensing what normally takes weeks into a couple of days.
>9:15//Write these out, unless it's a digital clock and you want to present it as a quote.
>She had found her balance.//Again, this is absurdly quick. I'd also question that she'd be allowed to have something sharp like a pencil.
>you need to stay on your medication//She hadn't been taking any… Don't spring this on me now.
>Well, that was the hard part//Except… it wasn't. She sailed through all of it with very little trouble.
>Rose glanced at their booths and Lily broke the awkward silence.//Another comma needed for a dependent clause. I should have pointed out enough of these by now to give you the picture. I'm not going to point them out anymore unless I'm flagging the sentence for another reason anyway.
>Rose discovered she was beaming, her first genuine smile since before the hospital.//Okay, I really like this scene where she finds all the cards, and prompted by someone she doesn't know very well. This is a nice authientic emotional moment the likes of which I haven't seen since chapter 1.
>Instead her friends looked hurt, even angry. //Show me!
>Now honey//Needs a comma for direct address.
>Daisy entered the conversation.//Well, yes. We can tell by the fact that she speaks. This sentence is the epitome of empty filler.
>Now is the time.//So, the second half of this scene… I have to admit, his is something I have problems with in my own writing. Everything these characters say is utterly believable. Their emotions and the thoughts they're expressing are authentic, reasonable, and relatable. But how they're saying it comes across as a little too rehearsed. I'd recommend going back over it and rewording things to sound a little more natural and off the cuff.
>a yellow earth pony with an orange mane//The reader is presumably aware of who Carrot Top is. You don't need this, unless there's something about her appearance that ends up being important to the plot.
>dreaded word suicide//Since she actually spoke the word, I'd leave it at "dreaded word." It'd be a little more subtle.
>upfront//Two words.
>Second, I'm not a philosopher//>Well, here's my philosophy for today//This is… pretty contradictory. If you're doing it intentionally, Carrot Top needs to be more self-aware about it and call attention to it, probably in a self-deprecating manner.
>But I'm making a new friend, and I wouldn't have it any other way//The abrupt way you end this scene costs it some of its power. You do go on to have Roseluck reflect on it in the next scene, but what's her immediate reaction here? It de-personalizes it to leave that connection unmade when it's most raw and fresh.
>Obliging her odd request//Missing an indentation here.
>as if the danger had past//Passed.
>"Thank you for saving me last week," she said, and they all went inside.//Same thing here. This is way too understated. Subtlety is a thing, but so is not saying anything. How do her friends react to what she said? What does she think of their reaction?
>She is scared, Lily!//Minor point, but Daisy's used her name for direct address two quotes in a row now. That doesn't seem natural.
>The next morning//You tend to do this. <extended scene> <"time passes"> <a very small number of sentences>. And when you do, you tend to short change what happens on both sides of the time skip. How does Rose react to Carrot Top's advice? Is she agreeing just to agree? Does it make sense to her? Then the next morning, how does she feel as she gets out of bed, steels herself to go downstairs and say what she has to say, then speaks up? Definitely don't overstate things—leave something for the reader to intuit on his own, but you have to give me something. Don't make me invent the emotional investment. That's your job.
I will also say that it's a bit odd and convenient that Carrot Top has this expertise. If she has the education, why did she never get licensed? Despite a couple of testimonials in her favor, I'd be curious as to why. For all Roseluck knows, Carrot Top did apply for a license but was rejected. Using her with this almost deus-ex-machina ability smacks of "I need a pony with X expertise, but I really, really wanted to use Carrot Top in the story, so why not force her into that role?" She could use a more realistic background. We can't tell how old she is. Maybe she's a retired therapist? Maybe she writes an advice column on the side? Maybe she was a school counselor until she decided on a career change? I'm just spitballing here, but what you have for her seems pretty contrived.
>and several ponies expressed their delight that Rose was out front again//Given how much emotional weight this has for her, you should probably give me a little detail. You don't have to do the blow-by-blow account of every customer, but something like a montage of well-wishing would get the point across.
>He. hurt. you.//I bugged you about this before.
>When some other mare hears word that I was abused//I guess I'll take her word for it, but I didn't exactly see anything from him that I'd call abuse. Daisy knows him, so maybe she's right, but she's ascribing motives to him that I haven't seen evidence of, and if it's not true, this could unfairly harm him.
It's just now occurred to me that all of Rose's customer interactions have been about flowers as decorations or gifts. They've eaten flowers in canon. Why isn't anyone buying them as food?
>exhibiting the grace and unconditional excellence//I haven't seen any examples of negative customer interactions, so did this ever come up? It might be interesting to see how she handles it.
>Ponyville's clock tower//They have called it "Ponyville Tower" in "Putting Your Hoof Down."
>Lily stepped out//So why is Lily consistently staying out of things now? It says something about their relationship, but I'm left a bit mystified.
>some experimental desserts//And we don't get to see what any of these are?
>Rebuked, Lily and Daisy looked at each other. "Sure," Lily said.//Aside from a bit of vaguery from "rebuked" (which is a bit odd in and of itself, since that word choice would tend to be from Daisy and Lily's point of view, not Roseluck's), this is flat and emotionless. They looked at each other? How? In a way that would communicate fury, relief, shame, joy, …?
>Rose met with Fine Print the next day, and a meeting with her creditors was scheduled for Friday at noon. That day at the steps of the town hall, her friends encouraged her.//Something about this isn't sitting right. I'm not sure a scene at the lawyer's office would be particularly interesting, unless you can wring some emotion out of it in the form of Rose taking charge of things. But you fast forward here without a scene change and blow through this. I think it'd work better if you did a scene break here and did this part as a summary after the fact.
>A tear of joy trickled down her cheek//The single tear is one of the most cliched things you could have done.
>nearing the edge of town, somewhere near//Watch that word repetition.
>What if all those trees were dead and bare, and the animals all gone?//Maybe not the best analogy… since it's getting to autumn, they will be this way soon, though that doesn't mean it all ends.
>That's how I felt when I lost my aunt.//And she's never really dealt with this in more than a superficial way. I was looking forward to seeing her work through her attachment to a beloved relative, but if it happened at all, it was off camera.
>lunchtime//Maybe I'm remembering wrong, but I thought you'd spelled this as two words or hyphenated it in a previous chapter.
>The flower shop was closed that day due to a scheduled storm//They can't do business in bad weather? It didn't seem like it was an outdoor shop.
>Tux 'n Tails//The contraction has apostrophes on both sides: Tux 'n' Tails. But I have to say, this is a civil suit. The three mares' business didn't exist at the time of the alleged slander, the business wouldn't have been a party to it anyway, since they were private communications, and only one of them is being named as having committed it, so they'd have no grounds to sue either the business or the other two mares. I also don't see how Lady Slipper could be a party to the action either, since the alleged slander had nothing to do with her. I suppose most readers won't know that, but but if you're going to branch out into something that requires a technical understanding, it pays to get it right. Google and Wikipedia are your friends for brief forays into unfamiliar territory.Note that this list is not comprehensive. I picked out a few examples of each kind of error or problem I found. Of course, not everything is a black-and-white issue; this is not a list of things you have to fix, but take each under advisement.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>top-floor window</span><br />Unless her room rise multiple stories, I don't see how this works.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>hooting of an owl//</span><br />During the day?<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>32//</span><br />Write out numbers this short.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Six Months Earlier…//</span><br />There are much more elegant ways of working this into the narration.<br /><br />Her reaction to the letter is very… bland. I get that there's a certain numbness that comes in these situations, but I can tell you from experience that if you write an emotionally distant character as emotionless, it gets boring quickly. Better to show the contrast between what's going on inside and what she allows out.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>At the Hospital…//</span><br />Yeah… if you're going to alternate like this, even if it doesn't perfectly follow the pattern, it's not hard to drop cues in the narration that handle this nicely, and after it falls into a regular pattern, the reader will even expect it. It's making the story's time frame feel forced on me, a word I certainly wouldn't use to describe the rest of the story's aspects, so it sticks out.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>The nervousness she felt coming back to her parents' old house was always wiped away by Aunt Rosebud's smile.//</span><br />While this isn't a bad spot for telling, it's not exactly warming me up to this as a sweet moment, either. Instead of just naming it as nervousness, just a few words of physical symptoms would carry more power, like if a wave of warmth swept away her jitters whenever she saw that smile.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>wrote,//</span><br />You don't need the comma. Transcribed text doesn't use the same rules as dialogue.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>thinking this was too strong//</span><br />Note how this phrasing is decidedly external to her mind versus something like her just outright stating that it was too strong. You've been using a pretty subjective narrator, and in my opinion, something like that would suit it better.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>she had felt insecure about her circumstances almost daily//</span><br />Way too vague. Give me a couple of examples.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>She 's//</span><br />Extraneous space.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>You still have your dignity.//</span><br />Wow. That's a really insensitive thing to say. It's actually great, but let me see some more reaction to it. Is Rose really able to keep it under wraps like that? Does Lily realize how it sounded? What does Daisy do?<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>even though her kiosk was right between their booths//</span><br />Comma to set off the dependent clause.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>she wasn't worried about poverty itself. Shame was her great fear, and month by month a nightmare was coming true.//</span><br />You're risking being too blunt and over-explaining things here.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>If this exercise was supposed to help her out of her depression//</span><br />At this point, wouldn't she still be in denial about her depression? I don't know how you envision Equestrian law, but based on something you said earlier, I'm not sure they can keep her there against her will.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>and we both have things that need saying//</span><br />Comma for the dependent clause.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>This was wrong, she thought as he continued.//</span><br />But you haven't italicized it as a thought.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Sonny//</span><br />You spelled it "Sunny" earlier.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>who are you ta-.//</span><br />Use a proper dash, not a hyphen. And don't put a period after it. The only end punctuation you can put after a dash, and even then, it's optional, are an exclamation mark or question mark.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Rose collapsed into sobs.//</span><br />For strong emotion, less is often more. People usually try to control themselves, under most circumstances. You don't want to be melodramatic.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>You taught me how to love.//</span><br />Ooh, that's pretty cliched.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>I wasn't. your only. secret. Was I?//</span><br />Using so many periods like this is kind of clumsy, but at least capitalize after them.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>I waited as long as I could, but this hurt was inevitable//</span><br />Well, only because he decided it was. Couldn't he have made the ultimatum before he cheated?<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>This time the tears wouldn't come.//</span><br />Now, this is much more realistic, compared to her sobbing earlier.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Daisy's look changed from curiosity to concern.//</span><br />Show me this. There's a section on show versus tell at the top of this thread. Keep it in mind.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>"They left me."//</span><br />Well, yeah, she told them to. You had me feeling sympathetic for her, but she just comes across as whiny here.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Coldheart//</span><br />Oh, come on. Subtlety is a thing.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>would like to visit with you in a few minutes if you'd like//</span><br />Kind of a repetitive wording there.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>and everything would be confidential//</span><br />Another dependent clause needing a comma. There's some info in this under the section on comma use with conjunctions.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Gathering all the pages she'd filled with her analysis//</span><br />You didn't give me the sense there were many. Aside from one vague statement, I only ever saw a few words mentioned, and there was never anything indicating she'd spent much time on it.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>He then engaged her in small talk for a few minutes before saying good night.//</span><br />And how does she react to this? Does it relax her? Make her feel like he's being insincere, or just trying to distract her?<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>This wasn't day one of her recovery, Rose thought//</span><br />You do this a lot: italicize some thoughts, but not italicize others that are directly named as such. It's a bit jarring.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>began splaying outward as her head began to swim//</span><br />Watch the word repetition. And start/begin actions are weak anyway. Once in a while, they won't hurt, but they're also obvious. Any given action starts. It's only worth pointing that out when the beginning is noteworthy because it's an abrupt change or the action never finishes. They also sap some of the action from the main verb.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Roseluck opened her eyes as the sun was rising.//</span><br />I suspect I'll go through and count your "to be" verbs at some point. Suffice it to say they're boring, and it's a good idea to limit them where you can. There are certainly times where a past participle works, but if you changed this to "Roseluck opened her eyes as the sun rose," I don't see that anything is lost. Then you also avoid sapping the action from your verb.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Glancing toward the doorway, she noticed her new pad of paper beside the bed.//</span><br />Beware a few aspects of participles. One is that they synchronize actions, so she sees the pad at the same time she glances toward the doorway. While that's possible, you haven't described the layout of these things in a way that makes it intuitive, and I get the sense that one happens after the other anyway.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>This time doesn't have to be a waste. I can find the issue in my thinking//</span><br />This is quite an about-face from her thinking in the previous chapter. If that's intentional, you might want to ease me into it, say, mention how the new day has her taking a fresh perspective on things.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>you can only count on yourself//</span><br />Missing end punctuation, but since it's something she's jotting down, it's certainly possible that she would have left it off.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Rose studied her final list//</span><br />Now look at the first word of each paragraph so far. Mix it up.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>But her nervousness was soon displaced by hope//</span><br />This is a pretty emotional point for the story. Show me this.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>They looked frantic.//</span><br />How so? None of the actions you described seem to convey this. Without convincing me of this through how they look and act, it's more of a cold fact that doesn't get me invested in the characters.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>She grabbed a simple tray of alfalfa and joined them.//</span><br />And then this. If her parents really look frantic, she's going to get her food first and keep them waiting? And she's going to be so lackadaisical about it?<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>sor- sorry//</span><br />No spaces around the hyphens in a stutter.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>I was going through clinical depression.//</span><br />This is something I was going to bring up later, in the wrap-up comments at the end, but… Her depression is awful sudden. The implication that she "was going through clinical depression" as of yesterday is a little too abrupt. And this ties in with my problem with her suddenly deciding to attempt suicide. Yes, the events that prompted her depression are sudden, but the feeling itself is a bit more gradual. It's not like flipping a switch. And by giving it more of a forced, artificial treatment like this, you're robbing it of the power it could have.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Honey, this isn't something you simply snap out of. Getting through this will take time.//</span><br />Yes. Likewise with getting <i>into</i> it.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>In fact, I was something of a monster to her.//</span><br />I could believe his wanting to apologize, but making an admission lik this really looks like plot convenience. You mentioned that the doctor had already spoken to her friends. Wouldn't he have spoken to her parents, too? Wouldn't he want this interaction to occur in a therapy session, where he could mediate? Or at least prepare her for this discussion?<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>We've reconciled and he's loved me ever since.//We've reconciled and he's loved me ever since.//</span><br />Another spot where you need a comma between clauses.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>24//</span><br />Write it out.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>your doctor is off tomorrow and Monday//</span><br />Surely, someone else would have the authority to release her. As expensive as she's said this is, they'd force her to stay an extra two days for no good reason? Not buying it.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Mom, dad…this wasn't your fault.//</span><br />As a term of address, "Dad" would be capitalized. And they don't react to this?<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Rose came away as sure as ever that the cause of her depression lay somewhere else.//</span><br />Why is she so intent on self-diagnosing? Isn't this what the doctor's there for?<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>topics she had listed – the meaning of life, the importance of her work, and the issue of trust//</span><br />Given that you're detailing a list of examples or clarifications, a colon would work better than a dash.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>though given the circumstances of your breakup this week//</span><br />You'll normally set off a participle with a comma.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>she spent the rest of the evening drawing pictures of her with her aunt//</span><br />First, I'm surprised that you dropped this plot point as long as you had. She certainly felt like it was an important part of her life, but to lose track of it entirely undercuts that sense of importance. I'll also say again that she's making a very rapid recovery. She had certain feelings that drove her to attempt suicide, and they don't go away overnight. Yet she's very upbeat here, especially about the same things that had gotten her depressed in the first place. On the one hand, it's believable that her mood might swing all over the place, but erratically, not this very steady move from wishing herself dead to very optimistic. It's like you're condensing what normally takes weeks into a couple of days.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>9:15//</span><br />Write these out, unless it's a digital clock and you want to present it as a quote.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>She had found her balance.//</span><br />Again, this is absurdly quick. I'd also question that she'd be allowed to have something sharp like a pencil.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>you need to stay on your medication//</span><br />She hadn't been taking any… Don't spring this on me now.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Well, that was the hard part//</span><br />Except… it wasn't. She sailed through all of it with very little trouble.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Rose glanced at their booths and Lily broke the awkward silence.//</span><br />Another comma needed for a dependent clause. I should have pointed out enough of these by now to give you the picture. I'm not going to point them out anymore unless I'm flagging the sentence for another reason anyway.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Rose discovered she was beaming, her first genuine smile since before the hospital.//</span><br />Okay, I really like this scene where she finds all the cards, and prompted by someone she doesn't know very well. This is a nice authientic emotional moment the likes of which I haven't seen since chapter 1.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Instead her friends looked hurt, even angry. //</span><br />Show me!<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Now honey//</span><br />Needs a comma for direct address.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Daisy entered the conversation.//</span><br />Well, yes. We can tell by the fact that she speaks. This sentence is the epitome of empty filler.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Now is the time.//</span><br />So, the second half of this scene… I have to admit, his is something I have problems with in my own writing. Everything these characters say is utterly believable. Their emotions and the thoughts they're expressing are authentic, reasonable, and relatable. But how they're saying it comes across as a little too rehearsed. I'd recommend going back over it and rewording things to sound a little more natural and off the cuff.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>a yellow earth pony with an orange mane//</span><br />The reader is presumably aware of who Carrot Top is. You don't need this, unless there's something about her appearance that ends up being important to the plot.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>dreaded word suicide//</span><br />Since she actually spoke the word, I'd leave it at "dreaded word." It'd be a little more subtle.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>upfront//</span><br />Two words.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Second, I'm not a philosopher//</span><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Well, here's my philosophy for today//</span><br />This is… pretty contradictory. If you're doing it intentionally, Carrot Top needs to be more self-aware about it and call attention to it, probably in a self-deprecating manner.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>But I'm making a new friend, and I wouldn't have it any other way//</span><br />The abrupt way you end this scene costs it some of its power. You do go on to have Roseluck reflect on it in the next scene, but what's her immediate reaction here? It de-personalizes it to leave that connection unmade when it's most raw and fresh.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Obliging her odd request//</span><br />Missing an indentation here.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>as if the danger had past//</span><br />Passed.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>"Thank you for saving me last week," she said, and they all went inside.//</span><br />Same thing here. This is way too understated. Subtlety is a thing, but so is not saying anything. How do her friends react to what she said? What does she think of their reaction?<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>She is scared, Lily!//</span><br />Minor point, but Daisy's used her name for direct address two quotes in a row now. That doesn't seem natural.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>The next morning//</span><br />You tend to do this. <extended scene> <"time passes"> <a very small number of sentences>. And when you do, you tend to short change what happens on both sides of the time skip. How does Rose react to Carrot Top's advice? Is she agreeing just to agree? Does it make sense to her? Then the next morning, how does she feel as she gets out of bed, steels herself to go downstairs and say what she has to say, then speaks up? Definitely don't overstate things—leave something for the reader to intuit on his own, but you have to give me something. Don't make me invent the emotional investment. That's your job.<br /><br />I will also say that it's a bit odd and convenient that Carrot Top has this expertise. If she has the education, why did she never get licensed? Despite a couple of testimonials in her favor, I'd be curious as to why. For all Roseluck knows, Carrot Top did apply for a license but was rejected. Using her with this almost deus-ex-machina ability smacks of "I need a pony with X expertise, but I really, really wanted to use Carrot Top in the story, so why not force her into that role?" She could use a more realistic background. We can't tell how old she is. Maybe she's a retired therapist? Maybe she writes an advice column on the side? Maybe she was a school counselor until she decided on a career change? I'm just spitballing here, but what you have for her seems pretty contrived.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>and several ponies expressed their delight that Rose was out front again//</span><br />Given how much emotional weight this has for her, you should probably give me a little detail. You don't have to do the blow-by-blow account of every customer, but something like a montage of well-wishing would get the point across.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>He. hurt. you.//</span><br />I bugged you about this before.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>When some other mare hears word that I was abused//</span><br />I guess I'll take her word for it, but I didn't exactly see anything from him that I'd call abuse. Daisy knows him, so maybe she's right, but she's ascribing motives to him that I haven't seen evidence of, and if it's not true, this could unfairly harm him.<br /><br />It's just now occurred to me that all of Rose's customer interactions have been about flowers as decorations or gifts. They've eaten flowers in canon. Why isn't anyone buying them as food?<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>exhibiting the grace and unconditional excellence//</span><br />I haven't seen any examples of negative customer interactions, so did this ever come up? It might be interesting to see how she handles it.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Ponyville's clock tower//</span><br />They have called it "Ponyville Tower" in "Putting Your Hoof Down."<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Lily stepped out//</span><br />So why is Lily consistently staying out of things now? It says something about their relationship, but I'm left a bit mystified.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>some experimental desserts//</span><br />And we don't get to see what any of these are?<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Rebuked, Lily and Daisy looked at each other. "Sure," Lily said.//</span><br />Aside from a bit of vaguery from "rebuked" (which is a bit odd in and of itself, since that word choice would tend to be from Daisy and Lily's point of view, not Roseluck's), this is flat and emotionless. They looked at each other? How? In a way that would communicate fury, relief, shame, joy, …?<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Rose met with Fine Print the next day, and a meeting with her creditors was scheduled for Friday at noon. That day at the steps of the town hall, her friends encouraged her.//</span><br />Something about this isn't sitting right. I'm not sure a scene at the lawyer's office would be particularly interesting, unless you can wring some emotion out of it in the form of Rose taking charge of things. But you fast forward here without a scene change and blow through this. I think it'd work better if you did a scene break here and did this part as a summary after the fact.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>A tear of joy trickled down her cheek//</span><br />The single tear is one of the most cliched things you could have done.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>nearing the edge of town, somewhere near//</span><br />Watch that word repetition.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>What if all those trees were dead and bare, and the animals all gone?//</span><br />Maybe not the best analogy… since it's getting to autumn, they will be this way soon, though that doesn't mean it all ends.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>That's how I felt when I lost my aunt.//</span><br />And she's never really dealt with this in more than a superficial way. I was looking forward to seeing her work through her attachment to a beloved relative, but if it happened at all, it was off camera.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>lunchtime//</span><br />Maybe I'm remembering wrong, but I thought you'd spelled this as two words or hyphenated it in a previous chapter.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>The flower shop was closed that day due to a scheduled storm//</span><br />They can't do business in bad weather? It didn't seem like it was an outdoor shop.<br /><br /><span class="unkfunc">>Tux 'n Tails//</span><br />The contraction has apostrophes on both sides: Tux 'n' Tails. But I have to say, this is a civil suit. The three mares' business didn't exist at the time of the alleged slander, the business wouldn't have been a party to it anyway, since they were private communications, and only one of them is being named as having committed it, so they'd have no grounds to sue either the business or the other two mares. I also don't see how Lady Slipper could be a party to the action either, since the alleged slander had nothing to do with her. I suppose most readers won't know that, but but if you're going to branch out into something that requires a technical understanding, it pays to get it right. Google and Wikipedia are your friends for brief forays into unfamiliar territory.<br />