>>2487992Hello Lemon, my friend. I
mean that friend part too: you are a brony and I've always said, new bronies are just old friends we haven't met yet. Whether new to the 'chan or new to me doesn't matter. You are a
brony, and thus, a
friend.
First, my apologies -- I usually gravitate towards /chat ... and thus missed this thread until recently. I'm going to give you a wall of text (a great many of my postings tend to run towards the "teal deer" end of things) but I do hope you will read it all. Some of it I've said elsewhere, some of it was advice given to me back in the day, but
all of it is a gift from me to you. I hope you will accept it as such.
There are some important things here I think you need to hear:
I love you, my friend. I care about you.
I don't want you to die.I believe in your pain and sorrow and feelings of helplessness -- I've been there myself, and so I know how bad you have to have been feeling to be seriously contemplating this.
I have a statement I want you to contemplate, and then a couple of pieces of advice. These are things that were shared with me, and that helped me, so I'm passing them along to you.
Suicidal ideation is not chosen: it happens when pain exceeds the resources for coping with pain.That's all. So you're
not crazy, or weak, or a bad person because you feel (or felt) this way. Heck, feeling suicidal doesn't even mean that you really
want to die -- it just means that you have more pain in your life than you can cope with right now. It's not a matter of being weak-willed, willpower has
nothing to do with it: it is like if I were to pile weights on you, eventually the weight would become too much and -- no matter how much you willed yourself to remain standing -- you'd collapse.
So, when pain (of
any sort: physical, mental, emotional) exceeds pain coping mechanisms, suicidal feelings are the result. What you've been feeling is an imbalance of pain vrs pain coping mechanisms. And that feeling is awful.
There are two things you can do to get through this:
1) Find a way to reduce your pain.
2) Find ways to increase your coping resources.
Both are possible, and, ideally, both should be pursued.
Now to the advice.
You need to hear that people
do get through this -- even folks who feel as badly as you. Statistically there is a very good chance that you are going to survive this and pull through. I hope that this gives you some hope -- as hope is important.
You need to give yourself some distance between feeling and acting on those feelings (you've already done this by choosing to wait to get Rainbow Dash.) Just because you
feel like killing yourself doesn't mean you
have to kill yourself. It is very encouraging to me that you're reading this -- because it means that you've gone another few minutes without acting on the suicidal feelings you have. It shows that you can keep on living, even when you're not sure yourself if you can.
Also, remember, people often turn to suicide to seek relief from pain -- but relief is a
feeling, you generally have to be
alive to feel.
Another thing -- know that some people will react
badly towards your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, sad, or angry. They may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their good intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about
their fears,
not about you. But know that there are people out there that can help you -- that can be with you through the horrible experience of feeling suicidal. They won't judge you or argue with you, they'll just care and try to help. Please find one of them, soon!
You can try:
* Calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. It's toll free and available 24 hours a day.
* Check your phonebook (or Google) for a Crisis Center near you, call them.
* Call psychotherapist, or a close friend you can confide in.
But do try to call somepony You remember what I wrote earlier about "coping resources?" Just being able to
talk about our problems with somepony is a valuable coping resource. It releases a huge about of stress.
In other words, you're clearly dealing with a huge burden -- please, my friend, don't make that burden harder by trying to bear it all yourself!
Finally, and (at this late hour) I hope, the only real part of this posting that you'll actually
need, remember that suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves,
traumatic. After they subside, you need to
continue caring for yourself. Remember to treat yourself
gently, for you are a child of the universe no less than the trees and stars -- you have a
right to be here, and a right to be
happy here.
Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.
Now, I hope you feel a tiny bit better -- if for no other reason than knowing that I care about you enough to build this wall of words around you to try to help you weather the storm of your feelings. I wish I could do
more for you, and I hope that you'll take my advice and seek help for yourself.
You are a
brony, old friend. You are part of the Herd. We would miss you if you were gone. We would be diminished, for truly,
none of us is as loving as
all of us.
Your friend,
Loquacious