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The Great Equestrian War - Critiques encouraged!


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#1 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 27 September 2012 - 12:03 PM

So I decided to pour my energy into one serious fic, and the result has been... different. I'll let you judge. Now with the ever-affable editor Flaming Night, without whom you would expect a lot more spelling and grammar errors in future.

Spoiler


ALRIGHT THEN. I actually did this! It took so long because I wanted it to be at least slightly bigger than the prologue, and here it is! Chapter one, for your reading enjoyment! I'd love critiques, This is something I'm passionate about!

Spoiler

 

Chapter 2 is out! Yes, I'm actually working on this, impossible as it may be! This is the biggest chapter yet, and I'm trying to move the fic beyond just another war thing. A lot of things are unexplained right now, but worry not!

 

Also just for tsar, I'm writing a prequel to show more about the reason for the resistance. Without further a-DON'T, chapter 2!


Please tell me what you thought, I'm planning on having every chapter at least as long as this if not longer. They should take a week each. Also, sorry for spelling errors, I kind of overdid the waiting period, so I didn't want to annoy Flaming any more.

 

I actually can't add text to the OP anymore o_o


Edited by RoyalInBlue, 03 March 2013 - 11:07 PM.


#2 Lazaruz95

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Posted 27 September 2012 - 12:46 PM

Well, if this is you being serious then by all means, get serious more often

This is great and I can't wait to see more.

*Hits Follow this topic*

#3 Rhythmition

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Posted 27 September 2012 - 01:39 PM

You sir are a great fic writer don't ever stop.

#4 Spoffingten

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Posted 27 September 2012 - 04:29 PM

This has a lot of potential at being a great and memorable story. Just either get an editor or try reading the story over a little bit for those tricky spelling errors. Practice makes perfect! :)

#5 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 28 September 2012 - 01:56 AM

This has a lot of potential at being a great and memorable story. Just either get an editor or try reading the story over a little bit for those tricky spelling errors. Practice makes perfect! :)

Yeah, I was thinking about it, an editor would make things a bit easier for me.

#6 greebster

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Posted 28 September 2012 - 05:52 AM

I love your aptitude in descriptive writing, therefore I say go for it. Show us what a REAL fan fic is.

#7 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 05:26 AM

Blargh, I just read through it, and I do need an editor, that was packed with enough basic spelling & grammar errors to make a third-grade blush, anyone who wants can be an editor for me.

(by which I mean just pm me if you want to apply)

Edited by RoyalInBlue, 30 September 2012 - 05:26 AM.


#8 Nova_StarHunter

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 04:51 AM

Ok wow, this makes my fanfic look like someone took a crap on a piece of paper and rubbed it in...
anyway good work. if you ever do more like this i can guarantee that i will be reading it!

#9 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 12:10 PM

Oh shush you, your fic is fine ^_^ but I should really get back on this, I have most of chapter one written.

#10 Spoffingten

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Posted 07 October 2012 - 01:09 PM

Rock on brohammer.

#11 Rhythmition

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Posted 26 October 2012 - 02:15 PM

not to rush you but hurry up with chapter one. This fix can go so many places.

#12 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 27 October 2012 - 03:10 AM

I know, but I can't find much time ._. I have about half ch1 done, Imma see if I can get back on it soon

#13 jimme neutron corndog

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Posted 27 October 2012 - 03:35 AM

:o

I didn't even read the proluge, i opened the spoiler and scrolled down, enough proof this is good

#14 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 27 October 2012 - 03:42 AM

Ahh, it's no fun if you judge just based on size, there are loads of smaller fics out there that are easily three times better than this.

#15 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 01:52 AM

AH HA! I did it! I wrote chapter one, through all my procrastination! I wouldn't mind if you all don't care anymore though, I did kind of bum you out big time.

#16 Rhythmition

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 04:06 AM

I shall return tomorrow with an edited chapter one. I had no intention of sleeping tonight anyways.

#17 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 04:27 AM

heh heh, you're awesome flaming!

#18 Seabreeze

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 06:13 AM

Why are they going to war? You've provided nothing but the vague answer of "progress", and the initial grumblings of a discontent few. But that's not how revolutions work. In real life, revolutions occur when there are serious problems within a society. Julius Caesar exploited corruption and weakness within the Roman Senate, the American Revolution happened because of the vast political social gulf that emerged between Britain and the colonies that made Britain unable to understand or address American concerns, the French Revolution happened because of a massive economic downturn.

Writing any pony-based war story has to give a realistic reason for war. Ponies are peace-loving creatures who would not go to war unless it was for a good reason. Under Equestria, there appear to be no major social issues. Poverty is unheard of, ponies are generally safe from crime and the state does not appear to have an overbearing influence on personal lives. There's no reason for anyone living a happy life to want to uproot that life and bring misery and suffering upon themselves simply because they don't like the Princess, even though the Princesses are doing a fantastic job, and have been doing so for at least a thousand years. Why do the rebels think the Princesses are deficient, and why do they think they can do a better job?

You are really, really underestimating the kind of social inertia this kind of nation would have; Equestria has maintained a stable existence under a single government/dynasty/political party/ruler for much, much longer than any human nation in history. So if ponies are rising up against Celestia, they'd better have a damn good reason. The same goes for your story. Don't have a generic reason. Make it a unique, interesting one; that will make the exploration of the conflict so much more meaningful and interesting and give so much more potential material to write about. As of now this isn't much more than "they're fighting because they're fighting".

#19 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 09:03 AM

Yeah, kind of expecting someone to point that out Tsar, you pretty much nailed every problem I was personally having with this. Thanks a bunch for the critique, and if I possessed the literary skill, I'd be rectifying that as fast as I could, but I really don't wanna re-write the whole thing from the get-go all over again, it would kind of demean the progress I made thus far.

This doesn't mean I agree completely with you, honestly, were this someone elses I'd have picked out a few of the ones you hit myself. I kind of find it hard to critique my own work though, a Personal flaw of mine, if you will.

I appreciate your time though, it looks like you gave my humble little fic a thorough read-through. I was surprised no-one pointed out that it reeks of discontinuation, but hey, yours was good enough. Thanks for the critique, Imma finish this one anyway, but you can be sure I'll take your words into account whenever I choose to write something else. Thanks for your time!

EDIT- Also, I do know how revolutions work, I was going through lessons in school at the time about the russian revolution, and was trying to pour my learnings into a fiction. Sorry if I came off as snotty with this point though, feel free to ignore me!

Edited by RoyalInBlue, 12 December 2012 - 09:05 AM.


#20 Seras Victoria

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 06:51 PM

I know a lot about the Military from Technology to Tactics and the lingo. If you need any advice on how to make it accurate then you can Message me whenever you like, if you want to that is... Very nice by the way

#21 Rhythmition

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Posted 08 February 2013 - 03:07 AM

just a note not sure if the comment about annoying me was for not having me edit anymore which I don't mind it gives me something to do.  or if you meant the wait.  Either way I'm not mad at you.  first chapter was most excellent.



#22 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 08 February 2013 - 03:12 AM

Gaaah, I have ch2 over halfway done, I'll continue it now. I'll try and have it ready for editing within an hour.



#23 Rhythmition

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Posted 10 February 2013 - 02:50 AM

don't rush yourself Royal nothing good comes from rushing your work.  Take your time and write the story to the best of your abilities.


Edited by Flaming Night, 10 February 2013 - 02:51 AM.


#24 red475

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Posted 10 February 2013 - 09:28 AM

Great work Royal :D Wish i could write like that. Can't wait to read ch2 but don't rush yourself. I'd rather read a great fanfic that I know took time to make, than one that was just written up on the spot ;)



#25 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 03 March 2013 - 11:08 PM

And here is chapter 2!
 

Spoiler


#26 Rhythmition

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Posted 04 March 2013 - 01:53 AM

I'll have it edited tomorrow.  I have to be off the computer in a few minutes.



#27 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 04 March 2013 - 02:33 AM

thankee kindly flaming!



#28 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 09 March 2013 - 08:56 AM

wooh, working on Fast Strikes Backstory now, since Tsar pointed out that gaping hole.



#29 Rhythmition

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Posted 09 March 2013 - 10:35 PM

I sent you an edited chapter two. I'm not sure if it went through.  Did you get it?



#30 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 10 March 2013 - 06:24 AM

No I did not, but thanks anyway! Send it again if you like.




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