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Let's make more people cry!


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#1 Prince Polaris

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 03:20 PM

Short and simple, Me and face wrote an extremely sad story and It's here for you to read!  Enjoy it, and I hope you all like it!

 

 

 

Read it here!



#2 Blazuhira Miller

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 03:28 PM

Comedy gold.

 

10/10 would laugh again



#3 jimme neutron corndog

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 03:34 PM

Hours later, Allium had cried herself to sleep, and Polaris slowly lied her down, walking over to Nightly. He ripped the door off of her cage and walked inside, hugging her. Without even thinking, his horn lit up with Dark Magic and he fired a spell at her, making her body disappear


we talked about this shit

#4 Spotsy

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 03:37 PM

Hours later, Allium had cried herself to sleep, and Polaris slowly lied her down, walking over to Nightly. He ripped the door off of her cage and walked inside, hugging her. Without even thinking, his horn lit up with Dark Magic and he fired a spell at her, making her body disappear


we talked about this shit

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

Also, if you wanna make people cry, use a "To The Moon"-ish theme.

For some weird reason i dont really cry much at sad stuff

For example,

Me and two friends of mine came over and we watched Phantom of the Opera

two friends; *cri evry tiem*

me: why the fudge are you crying? *continues to happily watch movie*


Edited by Seikatsu, 03 November 2014 - 02:23 AM.


#5 Prince Polaris

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 06:05 PM

Eh it takes a certain kind of person to come to tears while reading it, And I'm slowly getting better, trust me- This story is a lot better than my other one.



#6 High Orbit

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 06:09 PM

For one, the errant capitalization and grammar errors kills it for me.

 

Also, your chapters are way too short. The whole story is the length of a normal single chapter...

 

Tell me if you need more pointers. Heck, I might as well proofread it for you while I'm at it if you want.


Edited by High Orbit, 02 November 2014 - 06:18 PM.


#7 Blazuhira Miller

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 06:11 PM

You know what kind of person comes to tears while reading it?

 



#8 Squint

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 06:28 PM

Polaris, there's still a lot you need to learn. Basic grammar, how to format sentences and basic storytelling are the three that stick out to me the most. You capitalise almost any noun that comes your way and like Orbit said it's almost unreadable just because of this. You definitely have some interesting concepts but driving your audience away simply because you can't get down the very fundamental parts of the text is worrying to say the least. The way you seem to use commas is completely wrong (consider an "and" to be a replacement for a comma, you do NOT need both next to one another).

 

Last but by no means least, please stop using ellipses so much. Please.



#9 High Orbit

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 06:34 PM

Heck, I might as well proofread it for you while I'm at it if you want.

Screw it, I can't help myself, have some.

I'm using Reverie's system for this, it seems the most effective way to deal with this kind of thing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grammatical Errors

Corrections

Removals

Notes

 

 

   PolariSoft, two miles from Ponyville, 2204. [May need a bit more description than that, since no-one knows what Polarisoft is, story-wise. Unless of course, you're using that as a location marker, which allows you to describe it later on.]  

 

The Nation of Equestria was(is) still war-torn, and bands of raiders wandered(wander) the lands, and battled each other(battling each other). [Again, more description required here.]  Yet that didn't stop a Blue Alicorn and his Wife, a smaller navy blue mare, from sleeping in each others arms(hooves)[You dingus. More information required.]. The Alicorn's name was Polaris, and his wife was called Nightly. [Elaborate on how they actually look like? Why they're here? What's Polarisoft?]  They had a kid, an adorable pink unicorn named Allium Shine. She was 8 years old. [No other information?] Polaris and Allium both shared the rare trait of having a jet-black mane [This is significant how? Elaborate.], and(while) Nightly had a beautiful Purple Mane. [Sentence hanging due to lack of elaboration, the whole sentence may well be omitted in that case.]  Allium was asleep in the library, surrounded by a small pile of books. [Might want to specify where this library is, if they're next to each other... Again, description.]  Polaris was curled up around Nightly, holding her to him tightly with a smile.  Nightly was snuggled up to him, snoring softly.A contented Polaris curled around Nightly who snored softly as she slept. [Thanks, Sq.] Polaris was also snoring quietly, and he sleepily nuzzled her, making her smile and snuggle closer. [Whole thing is a wall of text, which ruins the lower sections completely since the format is different. Stick with one or the other.]

 

Aaandd that's just the teaser trailer


Edited by High Orbit, 02 November 2014 - 06:49 PM.


#10 Squint

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 06:45 PM

Polaris was curled up around Nightly, holding her to him tightly with a smile.  Nightly was snuggled up to him, snoring softly.

Correction:

A contented Polaris curled around Nightly who snored softly as she slept.



#11 High Orbit

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 06:48 PM

Correction:

A contented Polaris curled around Nightly who snored softly as she slept.

Aye, that would be it. Thanks!



#12 Harakhti

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 07:15 PM

I think the only person you'll get crying is the author at this rate, guys.


Edited by Harakhti, 02 November 2014 - 07:15 PM.


#13 Prince Polaris

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 08:04 PM

I think the only person you'll get crying is the author at this rate, guys.

 

Nah this is good, I want to get better at this stuff and This Is only the second Story I have finished so far.



#14 Squint

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 08:13 PM

Nah this is good, I want to get better at this stuff and This Is only the second Story I have finished so far.

Correction:

Nah, this is good. I want to get better at this stuff and this is just my second finished story.



#15 Prince Polaris

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 08:43 PM

Correction:

Nah, this is good. I want to get better at this stuff and this is just my second finished story.

 

y- yeah...

 

I've got a long way to go.



#16 Squint

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Posted 02 November 2014 - 08:58 PM

I've got a long way to go.

You did it! Baby steps. Well done, Polaris.



#17 Spotsy

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Posted 03 November 2014 - 02:24 AM

I wanna see someone try and make me cry with fanfics.

Might be hard tho



#18 Prince Polaris

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Posted 03 November 2014 - 03:11 AM

You did it! Baby steps. Well done, Polaris.

 

:3



#19 greebster

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Posted 03 November 2014 - 07:02 AM

Ymlong. Even when you corrected Polaris, you still made your own mistakes. "Aaandd" should be spelled "And."
You show a habit of jumping between formal and informal styles of writing. However, some might view this as a personal preference rather than an inconsistency, so I will desist.

#20 High Orbit

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Posted 03 November 2014 - 07:16 AM

Ymlong. Even when you corrected Polaris, you still made your own mistakes. "Aaandd" should be spelled "And."
You show a habit of jumping between formal and informal styles of writing. However, some might view this as a personal preference rather than an inconsistency, so I will desist.

I am aware of it. The jumps are due to Polaris's own way of writing, of which I did not want to completely rearrange and rewrite due to lack of time.

 

Given a choice, I would have completely re-written his in a more preferred style. For that draft at least, I merely corrected as much grammar-wise as I could find without regarding tone, pacing, flow or style.

 

The last sentence was not intended to be serious more than a joke, since I did throw it together in 15 minutes at 2.30 in the morning. Moreover, Polaris himself did not specify if he wanted proofreading, but I decided to play along just for the sake of it.

 

In fact, the whole thing was meant to just be a cursory inspection, pending a full rewrite should he choose to let me have a go at it.


Edited by High Orbit, 03 November 2014 - 09:16 AM.


#21 Captain Char

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Posted 03 November 2014 - 07:27 AM

Maybe you should have someone spell check/ grammer check then you should upload it to something like fimfiction or fanficiton.net or something

#22 High Orbit

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Posted 03 November 2014 - 07:33 AM

Maybe you should have someone spell check/ grammer check then you should upload it to something like fimfiction or fanficiton.net or something

It's going to need more than a spelling and grammar check to clear FimFiction alive, to be honest. 



#23 Prince Polaris

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Posted 03 November 2014 - 12:22 PM

Dang, you guys should have seen the document before Face proofread most of my mistakes out for me



#24 Captain Char

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Posted 03 November 2014 - 04:51 PM

It's going to need more than a spelling and grammar check to clear FimFiction alive, to be honest.


Naw ive seen worse fanfics, everyone has to start somewhere, and usually we all started off rather meh by standards, but everyone starts somewhere, so I'd rather see him keep trying

#25 Prince Polaris

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Posted 03 November 2014 - 08:59 PM

Naw ive seen worse fanfics, everyone has to start somewhere, and usually we all started off rather meh by standards, but everyone starts somewhere, so I'd rather see him keep trying

 

Heh I ain't giving up any time soon, you can count on that.



#26 Spotsy

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Posted 04 November 2014 - 03:18 AM

Naw ive seen worse fanfics, everyone has to start somewhere, and usually we all started off rather meh by standards, but everyone starts somewhere, so I'd rather see him keep trying

I burned one of mine.



#27 Brü

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Posted 04 November 2014 - 08:16 PM

Spoiler

What the hell just happened?
Did Polaris just turn into some kind of werewolf/hulk, destroy his company thing, as a random crystal floated in the air, with PP's waifu in it? And he pulled out a sword "from midair", tried to cut the crystal, while the hulk PP was fighting the "real" PP (which I am assuming is his sane conscience or something)? Then he roared a mighty roar as he filled my butt with his love


Edited by Brü, 05 November 2014 - 06:19 AM.


#28 FCtheHalfDragon

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Posted 04 November 2014 - 08:46 PM

"Thankfully I already don't remember this"-Demoman, TF2

#29 Brü

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Posted 04 November 2014 - 08:51 PM

Wait what the fuck

How did Nightly come back to life
What the fuck!

Where did her body even come from what the fuck.

Also I don't get the logic "the TV said something about incurable, better kill my own daughter"

Edited by Brü, 04 November 2014 - 08:51 PM.


#30 tudexd

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Posted 04 November 2014 - 09:45 PM

Whelp you made me cry alright.... Of how bad it is, I cried tears of joy because it is so nonsensical it passed the point of hilarity

#31 Super Ultra Uber C00l Dood

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Posted 11 November 2014 - 12:53 PM

Polaris, this only works with your girlfriend. No offense, it doesn't work with anyone else, because they know shit about Nightly.



#32 Prince Polaris

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Posted 11 November 2014 - 09:21 PM

Worked with around Five people



#33 Captain Char

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Posted 11 November 2014 - 09:23 PM

well to be fair I didn't read the entire thing cause it was too long

#34 Super Ultra Uber C00l Dood

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Posted 11 November 2014 - 10:43 PM

Worked with around Five people

 

Doesn't mean everyone will find it sad :PP



#35 Wolf I.E.

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Posted 12 November 2014 - 06:41 AM

Was I the only one rooting for the raiders to kill pp's daughter?
Also, vomit jokes.

#36 Isarox1052

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Posted 01 January 2015 - 10:47 PM

Oh my gosh. I love it.  :-D




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