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Fanfic: Celestia's Daughter part 1


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#1 Nightmare moon

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Posted 22 March 2013 - 01:29 AM

Twilight Sparkle woke to anther boring morning. Even the birds looked bored. As she stared out the window, the sun slowly rose. Spike yawned, then sat up in his bed.

"So, what we gonna do today?"

"Um...I don't really have anything planned."

Spike lays back down, then pops back up.

"You mean I can spend the entire day with Rarity?"

"Sure, but I thought you were stalking her, not spending time with her."

"Same thing." he growls. 

Twilight yawns, then heads downstairs.

"What you want for breakfast?" she yells from the kitchen.

"I dunno, whatever you got."

Twilight puts two sapphires and one ruby in a bowl.

"Come and get it."

As she makes herself some breakfast, she hears some fillies yelling.

"By the sound of it they're right outside my house."

Twilight hears knocking at the door, and she walks over to it. Before she can get to it though, it bursts open.

"HELP MEEEEE!" Rainbow Dash yells, with the Cutie Mark Crusaders hot on her tail.

"How'd you get stuck with them?" Twilight calls from across the table.

"I seriously don't know! Just help!"

Twilight pulls Apple Bloom off of Rainbow Dash's wing.

"We wanna go exploring!" they say in unison.

"Fine. Me and Rainbow Dash will take you to the Everfree forest after breakfast."

"Why did I get roped into this?" Rainbow Dash groans.

Twilight finishes of breakfast, the takes the Cutie Mark Crusaders to Everfree. As soon as the get in there, something starts moving in the bushes. Rainbow Dash takes this instantly as a way to show off.

"Look how brave I am!" she yells, going head first into the bushes. A minute later, Twilight hears someone yelling.

"Rainbow?"

"No, Broken Heart." A white pony comes out of the bushes. As Twilight looks closer, she sees that Rainbow Dash is behind her. The pony appears to be a full grown unicorn, and she is wearing a hooded cape. Her red mane covers one of her silver eyes. Rainbow Dash comes out of the bushes, with twigs and leaves stuck mane.

"Who the heck is this?" asks Rainbow, flashing a glance at Broken Heart.

"Again, it's Broken Heart!"

"Why do you live here?"

"Dunno." Broken Heart plucks a leaf from Rainbow's mane. She blows on it, and the forest starts singing the same tune. 

"Woah!" Scootaloo yells."Guys come here!" She points to her cutie mark. A shield with two swords is printed on her flank.

"How'd you get that?"

"I'm good at sword fighting."

"Cool!" they yell. "Can you show us?"

"Sure." Broken Heart pulls out a sword from a sheath. She throws up five apples, and flies up. She slashes them neatly in fourths. 

"You're a unicorn and a pegasus?"

"It's called an alicorn." Twilight Sparkle chimes in.

"Well since you're here why don't you come to my home?"

They follow her in silence.

END OF PART 1

 



#2 Rarara

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Posted 22 March 2013 - 02:04 AM

wat



#3 iluvponies35

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Posted 22 March 2013 - 02:25 AM

..........................

 

Wat is this?

 

I don't even...



#4 tudexd

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Posted 22 March 2013 - 07:20 PM

It's a terrible fanfic, if you really worked hard on this (which I doubt) find a better hobbie

Edited by tudexd, 22 March 2013 - 07:21 PM.


#5 Npaws

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Posted 22 March 2013 - 11:20 PM

You wrote this in 5 minutes.  

0 effort was put in.

Seriously...  



#6 Distortion_

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Posted 22 March 2013 - 11:23 PM

tumblr_m5lbc7uapJ1r1b6b6o1_400.gif



#7 adambigaxe1

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Posted 22 March 2013 - 11:29 PM

hey don't need to be harsh. It just needs more of a plot and not be so rushed.



#8 Nightmare moon

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Posted 29 March 2013 - 11:55 PM

Gullible. I don't write this bad. :P



#9 iluvponies35

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Posted 30 March 2013 - 02:44 AM

Twilight Sparkle woke to anther boring morning. Even the birds looked bored. As she stared out the window, the sun slowly rose. Spike yawned, then sat up in his bed.

"So, what we gonna do today?"

"Um...I don't really have anything planned."

Spike lays back down, then pops back up.

"You mean I can spend the entire day with Rarity?"

"Sure, but I thought you were stalking her, not spending time with her."

"Same thing." he growls. 

Twilight yawns, then heads downstairs.

"What you want for breakfast?" she yells from the kitchen.

"I dunno, whatever you got."

Twilight puts two sapphires and one ruby in a bowl.

"Come and get it."

As she makes herself some breakfast, she hears some fillies yelling.

"By the sound of it they're right outside my house."

Twilight hears knocking at the door, and she walks over to it. Before she can get to it though, it bursts open.

"HELP MEEEEE!" Rainbow Dash yells, with the Cutie Mark Crusaders hot on her tail.

"How'd you get stuck with them?" Twilight calls from across the table.

"I seriously don't know! Just help!"

Twilight pulls Apple Bloom off of Rainbow Dash's wing.

"We wanna go exploring!" they say in unison.

"Fine. Me and Rainbow Dash will take you to the Everfree forest after breakfast."

"Why did I get roped into this?" Rainbow Dash groans.

Twilight finishes of breakfast, the takes the Cutie Mark Crusaders to Everfree. As soon as the get in there, something starts moving in the bushes. Rainbow Dash takes this instantly as a way to show off.

"Look how brave I am!" she yells, going head first into the bushes. A minute later, Twilight hears someone yelling.

"Rainbow?"

"No, Broken Heart." A white pony comes out of the bushes. As Twilight looks closer, she sees that Rainbow Dash is behind her. The pony appears to be a full grown unicorn, and she is wearing a hooded cape. Her red mane covers one of her silver eyes. Rainbow Dash comes out of the bushes, with twigs and leaves stuck mane.

"Who the heck is this?" asks Rainbow, flashing a glance at Broken Heart.

"Again, it's Broken Heart!"

"Why do you live here?"

"Dunno." Broken Heart plucks a leaf from Rainbow's mane. She blows on it, and the forest starts singing the same tune. 

"Woah!" Scootaloo yells."Guys come here!" She points to her cutie mark. A shield with two swords is printed on her flank.

"How'd you get that?"

"I'm good at sword fighting."

"Cool!" they yell. "Can you show us?"

"Sure." Broken Heart pulls out a sword from a sheath. She throws up five apples, and flies up. She slashes them neatly in fourths. 

"You're a unicorn and a pegasus?"

"It's called an alicorn." Twilight Sparkle chimes in.

"Well since you're here why don't you come to my home?"

They follow her in silence.

END OF PART 1

 

Ok heres my two cents on this entire story. Itll all be color-coded so itll be easy to understand.

 

This part seems like a good opening for a story though you may want to tweak a few things here and there.

 

This is where it starts to get OOC (Out Of Character) Rainbow and Twilight would NEVER take the CMC into the Everfree for any reason at all.

 

Oooh boy...Red-maned OC. I hate to break it too you but red just doesn't go really well with OC's (No offence to Flaming). Also you could stand to do with a little more description.

 

Yes I even color-coded this but even though few good stories have chapters as short as this you rarely see a chapter below 1,000 words.

 

Well theres my opinion. Btw nice grammar and spelling for a new story but you still have a long way to go.


Edited by iluvponies35, 30 March 2013 - 02:44 AM.


#10 Seabreeze

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Posted 30 March 2013 - 06:15 PM

hey don't need to be harsh. It just needs more of a plot and not be so rushed.

 

No, this is just outright terrible.



#11 jimme neutron corndog

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Posted 30 March 2013 - 06:27 PM

im sorry but

 

what is this



#12 Rarara

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Posted 30 March 2013 - 07:45 PM

31484197.jpg



#13 Rori

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Posted 30 March 2013 - 08:29 PM

wow. i read through the story.

but i get what everyone else is talking about here...

broken heart isn't even related to celestia in any way!

i had an OC for that, but we all know celestia won't have a daughter for a long time, since she represents a young adult, and has no partner yet.

if she has no partner, there is no way possible that she could. because that is the most un princess like thing to do, to have a child without marrying.

 

other than that, the story needs to be rethought.

i tried reading through it, but i couldn't understand because you skipped too fast, which in many circumstances is the worst thing you could do, and how the whole "she IS NOT related to celestia" thing makes it worse, you need to rethink your whole story from scratch again.

problems with this story is:

  • Broken heart SHOULD NOT BE in any way possible related to Celestia herself.
  • no random alicorn OC's, they need to actualy have a pretty good purpose in their world (their world, the sun and moon are pretty hard to lift up, and twilight became because she was magic herself, the only one capable of doing everything, and was with celestia most of her life)
  • Story was skipping WAY TOO FAST. skipping is the worst thing you could do in a story, and it makes the readers know you have no sence of paragraphing, spacing, and that your story is not planned out allthe way through yet.
  • more stuff... i just can't remember it...


#14 Rarara

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Posted 30 March 2013 - 08:45 PM

i had an OC for that, but we all know celestia won't have a daughter for a long time, since she represents a young adult, and has no partner yet.

Had to do this

>young adult

>over 1000 years old


Edited by Pumpkin pie-13, 30 March 2013 - 08:46 PM.


#15 Rori

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Posted 30 March 2013 - 09:17 PM

Had to do this

>young adult

>over 1000 years old

and Luna is too, and she's just a young teenager.

they have different body maturing times.. don't you get it??



#16 Rarara

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Posted 30 March 2013 - 09:18 PM

and Luna is too, and she's just a young teenager.

they have different body maturing times.. don't you get it??

izzy bro do u evn sarcasm




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