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The Blaze Chronicles: Part I


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#1 iluvponies35

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Posted 16 November 2012 - 03:07 PM

So....before i begin let me tell you this is my FIRST attempt at writing a fanfiction story. don't expect it to be good and proofreaders are always welcome.

Proofread by: Golfmann14

Chapter Status: Proofread



Intro:


The walls of fiction are collapsing.

Twilights books are glowing an eery green at night.

The canterlot archives are no better.

it is a matter of time before reality AND fiction cease to exist.

In this time of despair one pony takes upon the job given to him by

Princess Celsestia herself:

Travel between worlds and various storys

that few know even exist finding the one source

of power that could fix everything.


But its not as easy a task as it seems.



WITH INSPIRATION FROM:


H.G Wells "The Time Machine" (book).


Ray Bradburys "Fahrenheit 451" (book).


Bookworm Adventures Volume 2 (computer game)


The Sweetie Chronicles by Wanderer D (fanfiction).


Doctor Who (tv series).



Prologue: It Begins


Spoiler


Edited by iluvponies35, 28 November 2012 - 11:06 PM.


#2 Sky Jazz

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Posted 16 November 2012 - 04:45 PM

So....before i begin let me tell you this is my FIRST attempt at writing a fanfiction story. Don't expect it to be good and proofreaders are always welcome.

so basically this is a a story of my OC "Blaze" i'd get into the point but i wont spill much....but i will say this: [SPOLIERS!]

The walls of fiction are collapsing.

Twilights books are glowing an eery green at night.

The canterlot archives are no better.

it is a matter of time before reality AND fiction cease to exist.

In this time of despair one pony takes upon the job given to him by

Princess Celsestia herself:

Travel between worlds and various storys

that few know even exist finding the one source everything.

of power that could fix everything.


But its not as easy a task as it seems.



.

Not bad for a start but the weirdest thing I have to say, is the fact that I relate his house in the story to my friends house... I HAVE NO IDEA WHY

Edited by I <3 Spitfire, 17 November 2012 - 12:30 AM.


#3 iluvponies35

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Posted 16 November 2012 - 05:53 PM

if you want to be nice give me a look your OC's profile and ill decide wether you'll get a part in the story or not.

in the next scene blaze goes to canterlot castle with the mane 6 to find out whats wrong but using the mane 6 is too overused.

ill need at least 2 OC's to continue or else its the mane 6.

EDIT: no OC's needed. no mane 6 either :)

Edited by iluvponies35, 17 November 2012 - 06:16 AM.


#4 Sky Jazz

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Posted 16 November 2012 - 06:03 PM

Most of the errors were just spelling errors and I fixed them with red, the odd thing is that they weren't in the actual story. I also fixed a couple of punctuation and capitalization errors

#5 FaffleMaster

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Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:17 PM

Not bad for a start but the weirdest thing I have to say, is the fact that I relate his house in the story to my friends house... I HAVE NO IDEA WHY


Don't quote the ENTIRE story if you're commenting on it.

#6 Golfmann

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Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:40 PM

Blaze Replied.

-No capitalization on replied.

*groan*

-This seems kinda forced in there. I would do something like "yadda yadda yadda." He said groaning, "continue if there is more here with no capital as there is a comma after groaning in my example."

Racing out of bed and down to the kitchen he prepared some cereal and some coffe for himself

-After kitchen i would add a comma and it is spelled coffee.

All of a sudden he remember: Today was his daughter Firefleet's fire day of school.

-Usually people say "the sudden" also, change to "remembered". Also this seems like a fragmented sentence. I would take out the colon and put in a comma, lowercase "t".

He then proceeded to get some pancakes cooking and some tea for his wife and lastly fixing up 3 bowls of cereal and some orange juice for his daughter and 2 son's.

-Having two "ands" is a no no only in special occasions. I would advise either making it as a list: thing, thing, and thing... or revise it a different way. Sons does not have an apostrophe either

"Dear please you dont have to be in such a hurry" His wife said looking at the clock. "Its only 7:36"

-"Dear please, you don't have to be in such a hurry," his wife said looking at the clock, "it's only 7:36!"

"Blaze instantly processed what his wife had said

-It's early in the morning. Nobody processes anything quickly.

Suddenly and without warning

-I would choose one or the other. Having both makes the flow seem choppy.

Said Blaze looking in awe

-I would use, "said Blaze, narrowing his eyes angrily."

Apparently the scroll was unharmed but as far as the royal guard know theres zero words on the scroll"

-knows and there's. I assume there is a reason for having no words on it.


Pretty good start. I cannot stress enough PUNCTUATION. There MUST be punctuation after speech or dialogue.

Such as here:
"I have to go to canterlot"

I have to go to Canterlot."

Then, I would just end it here. The disbelief part is unnecessary and provides a cliff hanger if you end it with a quote.
There is more advice i have but that's enough in one post :3

Edited by Golfmann14, 16 November 2012 - 11:50 PM.


#7 Sky Jazz

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Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:46 PM

Don't quote the ENTIRE story if you're commenting on it.

I fixed some spelling, capitalization, punctuation errors as well. They are red...

#8 Golfmann

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Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:49 PM

I fixed some spelling, capitalization, punctuation errors as well. They are red...

They're all in the foreword and epilogue....

#9 FaffleMaster

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Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:49 PM

Yes, I see. But it's still terrible to basically scroll through to story twice. Possibly just quote the sentences you are fixing?

#10 Golfmann

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Posted 16 November 2012 - 11:50 PM

Like me :3

#11 Sky Jazz

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Posted 17 November 2012 - 12:30 AM

Sorry about that, I got rid of the main part of the story... :(

#12 iluvponies35

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Posted 17 November 2012 - 05:02 AM

ok fixed alot of things thanks to golf but one thing i have to say:


Apparently the scroll was unharmed but as far as the royal guard know theres zero words on the scroll"

-knows and there's. I assume there is a reason for having no words on it.


"as far as the royal guard know" now...do you really think Celestia would go spilling information to the entire public? sure its in a newspaper but i will say it again and in caps "AS FAR AS THE ROYAL GUARD KNOW" think about what you said please.

Edited by iluvponies35, 17 November 2012 - 05:04 AM.


#13 iluvponies35

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Posted 17 November 2012 - 06:12 AM

Chapter Status: Proofread

CHAPTER 1: Truth and Goodbye


Spoiler

Edited by iluvponies35, 28 November 2012 - 11:06 PM.


#14 Golfmann

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Posted 17 November 2012 - 01:49 PM

ok fixed alot of things thanks to golf but one thing i have to say:




"as far as the royal guard know" now...do you really think Celestia would go spilling information to the entire public? sure its in a newspaper but i will say it again and in caps "AS FAR AS THE ROYAL GUARD KNOW" think about what you said please.


"As far as the Royal Guard knows" Royal Guard encompasses many ponies but it is used as one singular group. Therefore an S should be added to knows. Know= Plural Knows= singular nouns

of the castle itself

-Itself is unnecessary and just adds more words for readers to read.

Guards were stationed at the entrace, Blaze stated what he was there for and they let him pass

-Comma is in an awkward place. I would consider rewriting this

All I have time for now... I will be back!

#15 iluvponies35

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Posted 17 November 2012 - 02:17 PM

of the castle itself

-Itself is unnecessary and just adds more words for readers to read.

Guards were stationed at the entrace, Blaze stated what he was there for and they let him pass

-Comma is in an awkward place. I would consider rewriting this

All I have time for now... I will be back!


thanks i fixed those but please be more specific on the "rewriting" part i need to know what i've done wrong to change it

#16 Golfmann

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Posted 18 November 2012 - 12:30 AM

Guards were stationed at the entrance Blaze then stated what he was there for and they let him pass.

to something like

The guards stationed at the entrance tensed when they saw Blaze approach, but allowed him to pass when he explained his business.

until he ways infront of the throne itself.

-he was in front of

That wont be necessary

-won't and add punctuation

We must get to the point right now

-punctuation, and probably better if you just said, "We must hurry"

Standing up Blaze looked at Celestia herself. Infront of him sat a large snow-white alicorn with beautiful golden slippers and a elegant golden crown atop her head.

-comma after standing up, In front, I don't think she wears slippers... I would leave that part out.

Blaze asked the first question that came to his mind "Why me? Why not Twilight Sparkle and her friends?"

-Punctuation after mind, also he shrugged off the picture and described it as "six ponies". Now he suddenly knows it was Twilight and company? Either he knows them or doesn't.

elements of harmony? Such a thing might prove fatal

-Capitalized Elements of Harmony, punctuation.

Most wouldn't know what to do, others might go insane, and as i said before using the elements of harmony themselves would be too risky

-This seems to be run-on. Plus more punctuation... "..insane. As I said before, ..."


Erm..., So...., through...., Wait...

-Watch your ellipsis use. Use them VERY sparingly. Many of them are unnecessary.

"Wait...were going right now

-we're

Edited by Golfmann14, 18 November 2012 - 12:42 AM.


#17 iluvponies35

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Posted 18 November 2012 - 04:41 AM

ok fixed em. thanks again golf you are now my official proofreader.

oh and a few things i decided to stay normal but its better

#18 Golfmann

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Posted 18 November 2012 - 04:42 AM

I like your formatting you put it in it was better than before. i can probably spot more later...

#19 iluvponies35

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 05:16 PM

UPDATE: edited a few things and added colors.

ill try to get chapter 2 out tomorrow

EXPECT RANDOMNESS!

#20 iluvponies35

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Posted 20 November 2012 - 07:06 PM

Chapter Status: Proofread


Chapter Two: Stuck



Spoiler

Edited by iluvponies35, 09 December 2012 - 12:19 AM.


#21 Golfmann

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Posted 21 November 2012 - 03:28 AM

THIS PARAGRAPH THINGY: Blaze groaned his head hurting from the between-worlds travel.....

TO: Blaze's head felt like it had been bashed in with a steel pipe.(or something else if you want) He took a mental note never to do that again and shook himself out of his daze. Looking around, Blaze saw his three friends but there were three other, confused looking ponies as well. Standing before him was no other than Princess Luna, Vinyl Scratch, and Octavia. Luna was the first to react...

While running 2 confused ponies looked at them whilst Luna flew after them with murder in her eyes.

THIS SCENE: Running frantically down the (street?), Blaze and company's eyes were wide in fear. Panting heavily, he snuck a quick glance behind and immediately regretted it. Luna was gaining, the look of murder in her eyes.

TO:

"Faster!"

Houses and trees were blurs around them. Rounding the corner, the screeched to a halt.

"A party?"

Blaze quickly turned his head to a nearby sign and kicked himself. It was Nightmare Night! How could he have forgotten?

"Well, that explains the enraged Princess. "

Rearing up, Blaze signaled to his friends to follow and he crashed into the closest house, startling the family inside.



Many many notes. That's all for now... I need to read the last chapters again and double check stuff. Plus, more revision in this current one.

EDIT: In chapter 1:

"That won't be necessary." Said the princess. "There is little time. We must hurry."

...necessary," said the princess, "there...

Edited by Golfmann14, 21 November 2012 - 03:28 AM.


#22 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 21 November 2012 - 03:36 AM

Looks like golf has you covered, but have my 2 bits anyway!

The story in itself is pretty good, I've read through the whole thing so far and your chapters are all improvements on each other, your skills are going up and it's really showing in your fiction, though I think golfmann may have had a hand in that. I think you and golf need to get a PM thing going so that you can show us a finished product that has been proofread beforehand, and a lot more professional looking.

The story, now. I noticed your pacing was extremely off-kilter, from nothing happening to so much I have forgotten a good deal of it. The whole idea about the books is a good one, but maybe it deserves more than one small paragraph of explanation? Try to go more into-detail about things so vital to the story.

The characters. You made good efforts to make them unique, but you really did a lot of corner-cutting, I have a hard time relating to any of them, and the story thus far allows for no depth to be gained, or sympathy from me for the characters, and they have little personality, make them do somewhat unexpected things and give them more for the reader to think about!

The settings were another big problem on my list. Your descriptive writing is in dire need of improvement, I couldn't picture any of the environments they were in, and pretty much blandly went through the story, you need to take the time to build the world in the head of the reader, translate the pictures in your head into writing, it both bumps up the word count AND looks a hell of a lot better!

I do like this fic, and I can't wait to see where this goes, but it smells too much of a beginners writing, give it more effort and I'm sure you can take this to all sorts of places!

#23 Golfmann

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Posted 21 November 2012 - 03:56 AM

It would be prudent to get a fimfiction accnt. I have one if you can't obtain one.

At the very least, It would be a good format tool for me to edit from.

Edited by Golfmann14, 21 November 2012 - 04:10 AM.


#24 iluvponies35

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Posted 21 November 2012 - 02:02 PM

there i changed a few things and almost completely edited the first paragraph. please tell me if theres anything else worth changing!

#25 iluvponies35

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Posted 21 November 2012 - 07:21 PM

little note im gonna tell you guys: i could probably get like 10 chapters out per day if i worked hard enough but that would just ruin it and im not gonna do something like that for several hours without breaks

#26 iluvponies35

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Posted 23 November 2012 - 05:07 PM

gonna get out a new chapter once golf has proofread it

#27 Caventh

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Posted 23 November 2012 - 05:24 PM

Might want to move all your chapters in the OP; Crono and have them separated via spoilers and titles.

Just makes it easier then having to sift through posts.

#28 iluvponies35

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Posted 23 November 2012 - 05:38 PM

Chapter Status: Proofread

CHAPTER Three: To Canterlot!.


Spoiler


ok there. gonna work on the spoiler thing like i used here.

oh and if you want to read the story the book my characters are in go here: http://www.fimfictio...te-is-a-Vampire

Edited by iluvponies35, 09 December 2012 - 12:24 AM.


#29 iluvponies35

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Posted 28 November 2012 - 10:36 PM

Chapter Status: Being Proofread

Intermission: Meanwhile.


Spoiler


Mentioned story (Fallout Equestria): http://www.equestria...-equestria.html

Edited by iluvponies35, 29 November 2012 - 09:56 AM.


#30 iluvponies35

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Posted 07 December 2012 - 06:23 AM

Oh gawd....accidentally deleted 10 minutes worth of typing -_-

....ill try again tomorrow and see if i can be more careful.

(sorry bout that)

#31 iluvponies35

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Posted 08 December 2012 - 02:15 AM

Chapter Status: Being Proofread.

Chapter Four: Clubbing Night.


Spoiler

Edited by iluvponies35, 08 December 2012 - 02:26 AM.


#32 iluvponies35

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Posted 08 December 2012 - 03:05 AM

Oh and a thing i may have forgotten to mention earlier: you CAN comment on what you think of the story and where i can improve so long as you don't point out every single mistake. I already have a PM proofreading system going with golf.

Edited by iluvponies35, 08 December 2012 - 03:05 AM.


#33 iluvponies35

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Posted 16 December 2012 - 05:45 AM

I regret to inform you all this fanfiction is currently ON HIATUS.

I regret to do it but intill i get some more ideas i won't be doing much.

Ill try to get a new chapter out ASAP so don't worry.


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