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The Web of Deceit


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#1 Golfmann

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Posted 01 October 2012 - 11:01 PM

I am an idiot and have started a fan fiction with homework and OC's to draw X_X . I have finished the prologue but I think it needs some refining. I also need a couple of OC's at least one to finish chapter one at this point. If i get too many, I can't guarantee you will be in the story. I will post the prologue and chapter one once i finish them. Comments are welcome when I do!

UPDATES ARE NOW PRIMARILY ON FIMFICTION!
http://www.fimfictio...e-Web-of-Deceit



All i need for OC is:
OC Name:
Gender:
Race:
Bio:
Cutie mark / Special talent:
and a picture of him/ her

Prologue:
Spoiler

Chapter 1:
Spoiler

Chapter 2:
Spoiler

Edited by Golfmann14, 16 November 2012 - 10:08 PM.


#2 Flare Pie

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Posted 02 October 2012 - 02:56 AM

OC Name: Flare Pie
Gender: Stallion
Bio: Complete idiot at times, psycotic genius at others. Handles high explosives with extreme finess. Member of the royal guard, brother to Pinkie Pie
Cutie Mark/ Special Talent: Special Talent: Blowing Things Up Cutie Mark: Mushroom Cloud
Picture: http://imgur.com/isLYs

#3 Golfmann

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Posted 03 October 2012 - 12:59 AM

OC Name: Flare Pie
Gender: Stallion
Bio: Complete idiot at times, psycotic genius at others. Handles high explosives with extreme finess. Member of the royal guard, brother to Pinkie Pie
Cutie Mark/ Special Talent: Special Talent: Blowing Things Up Cutie Mark: Mushroom Cloud
Picture: http://imgur.com/isLYs

You have no idea how perfect the psycotic genius fits xD sweet!
ACCEPTED!

Edited by Golfmann14, 11 October 2012 - 11:15 PM.


#4 Golfmann

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Posted 10 October 2012 - 02:38 AM

Prologue and Chapter 1 are finished all i need to do is upload and critiques are appreciated

#5 greebster

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Posted 11 October 2012 - 09:53 AM

What is your fic about?

#6 Golfmann

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Posted 11 October 2012 - 11:15 PM

See for yourself! This is the Prologue Rough Draft V.1 I hate using the spoiler tags for this but oh well. Please tell me how the plot could either be improved or if a part is grammatically incorrect.
Spoiler

Edited by Golfmann14, 18 October 2012 - 12:44 AM.


#7 greebster

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Posted 12 October 2012 - 05:30 AM

Good descriptive content and sentence structure. A bit of honest and friendly advice, use these ' for when a character is talking ' and only use these " for quotations."

I'm looking forward to the finished result :)

#8 Golfmann

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Posted 13 October 2012 - 02:18 AM

What do you mean by quotations?

Update: Working on formatting Chapter 1 and writing 2

#9 greebster

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Posted 13 October 2012 - 08:48 AM

Quotes/quotation marks are these ". They are used for when you're taking an extract from a book or something someone else has said. Like this: "To be or not to be." Shakespeare.

That's a well known quote, represent it as a quote using the quotation marks. Speech marks are different.

#10 Golfmann

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Posted 14 October 2012 - 03:46 AM

Ah that makes sense. If I get around to it I will be sure to change it.

#11 Golfmann

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Posted 18 October 2012 - 12:45 AM

Made changes suggested. Chapter 1 is in final editing sorry about the delay!

#12 FaffleMaster

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Posted 18 October 2012 - 12:48 AM

OC Name: Flare Pie
Gender: Stallion
Bio: Complete idiot at times, psycotic genius at others. Handles high explosives with extreme finess. Member of the royal guard, brother to Pinkie Pie
Cutie Mark/ Special Talent: Special Talent: Blowing Things Up Cutie Mark: Mushroom Cloud
Picture: http://imgur.com/isLYs


Brother of Pinkie Pie? Not that it's my place to judge anything right now, as you've already been accepted into this thingy... but......

#13 Sky Jazz

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Posted 18 October 2012 - 12:54 AM

Quotes/quotation marks are these ". They are used for when you're taking an extract from a book or something someone else has said. Like this: "To be or not to be." Shakespeare.

That's a well known quote, represent it as a quote using the quotation marks. Speech marks are different.

If I understand your post correctly, I think you have it mixed up. I am pretty sure that it is the other way around "Hey, whats up?" Thunder asked, I am pretty sure these are for speech, They are called Quotation Marks not Quote Marks, Again, I might be wrong. I will talk to my CA I teacher when I get a chance

#14 Golfmann

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Posted 18 October 2012 - 01:03 AM

If I understand your post correctly, I think you have it mixed up. I am pretty sure that it is the other way around "Hey, whats up?" Thunder asked, I am pretty sure these are for speech, They are called Quotation Marks not Quote Marks, Again, I might be wrong. I will talk to my CA I teacher when I get a chance

Mixed up or not I think I kind of like the way it looks now, a little more streamlined if that makes sense

Brother of Pinkie Pie? Not that it's my place to judge anything right now, as you've already been accepted into this thingy... but......

The Pinkie Pie brother thing doesn't matter. I needed an OC to move the story to where i want it. About chapter 2 or 3 he should come into play.


I might actually get to post chapter 1 tonight... we shall see....

Edited by Golfmann14, 18 October 2012 - 01:03 AM.


#15 Golfmann

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Posted 18 October 2012 - 02:34 AM

Chapter 1 has been added yay!! imma celebrate xD

#16 greebster

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Posted 19 October 2012 - 09:20 AM

If I understand your post correctly, I think you have it mixed up. I am pretty sure that it is the other way around "Hey, whats up?" Thunder asked, I am pretty sure these are for speech, They are called Quotation Marks not Quote Marks, Again, I might be wrong. I will talk to my CA I teacher when I get a chance


got me wrong, I said they are for quotes, but I've known authors to use both for speech. I prefer to use '

#17 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 19 October 2012 - 11:57 AM

This is great so far, can't wait to see where the plot goes!

#18 Golfmann

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Posted 19 October 2012 - 05:59 PM

This is great so far, can't wait to see where the plot goes!

RoyalInBlue has spoken 0.0 my life is complete xD Glad you like it! My ultimate goal is to get it on FiM Fiction.

#19 greebster

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Posted 20 October 2012 - 04:42 AM

the story is looking great so far! Good work, my friend

#20 Golfmann

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Posted 20 October 2012 - 03:03 PM

Just wondering if anyone else is a member of FiMFiction, or if anyone knows the process of getting a story on there.

Edited by Golfmann14, 20 October 2012 - 03:03 PM.


#21 Golfmann

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Posted 20 October 2012 - 07:12 PM

Submitted to FimFiction! Will post updates as they occur :D

#22 Golfmann

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Posted 22 October 2012 - 02:04 AM

Accepted to FimFiction :D Check it out!

#23 Melodic Bass

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Posted 22 October 2012 - 02:12 AM

Nice work so far! I can't wait to see what happens next. Here's my OC if you need him

OC Name: Melodic Bass
Gender: Male
Bio: Melodic Bass moved from his hometown of Hoofdale at a young age to find his talent, believing it to be beyond his small home. Bass had almost given up when he saw that a live concert by one of the most popular bands at the time was happening near him. Upon seeing the young pony's enthusiasm, they gifted him a miniature, autographed electric bass that Bass has kept with him to this day.
Personality: Bass is passionate about music, singing and playing his electric bass with all he's got. However, he is quite different offstage. He is quiet and modest, but will talk at length when he is with ponies he knows well. He can often suddenly drop out of a conversation to think, and reenter just as quickly. He doesn't like to fight when there are other options available, but is a fierce fighter and only gets more excited and agile if his opponent is tough. Bass is also a talented speaker, and can talk his way out of a situation just as easily as he can fight his way out. He always manages to make noise when attempting to sneak around, and often becomes exhausted after battle. He does not hold many loyalties, and simply sides with who he thinks is right. (Sorry if that was too disorganized.)
Cutie mark / Special talent: His cutie mark is a yellow music note, symbolizing his love of music
Posted Image

Edited by Melodic Bass, 22 October 2012 - 02:13 AM.


#24 Golfmann

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Posted 22 October 2012 - 02:15 AM

Nice work so far! I can't wait to see what happens next. Here's my OC if you need him

OC Name: Melodic Bass
Gender: Male
Bio: Melodic Bass moved from his hometown of Hoofdale at a young age to find his talent, believing it to be beyond his small home. Bass had almost given up when he saw that a live concert by one of the most popular bands at the time was happening near him. Upon seeing the young pony's enthusiasm, they gifted him a miniature, autographed electric bass that Bass has kept with him to this day.
Personality: Bass is passionate about music, singing and playing his electric bass with all he's got. However, he is quite different offstage. He is quiet and modest, but will talk at length when he is with ponies he knows well. He can often suddenly drop out of a conversation to think, and reenter just as quickly. He doesn't like to fight when there are other options available, but is a fierce fighter and only gets more excited and agile if his opponent is tough. Bass is also a talented speaker, and can talk his way out of a situation just as easily as he can fight his way out. He always manages to make noise when attempting to sneak around, and often becomes exhausted after battle. He does not hold many loyalties, and simply sides with who he thinks is right. (Sorry if that was too disorganized.)
Cutie mark / Special talent: His cutie mark is a yellow music note, symbolizing his love of music
Posted Image

It is still possible I need OC's. If I do find a use for him, i will do so! So far it is still foggy so for now....
ACCEPTED!

#25 Golfmann

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Posted 23 October 2012 - 11:35 PM

UPDATE: Ch.2 has been added! Not updated on FiMFiction quite yet!

Edited by Golfmann14, 23 October 2012 - 11:35 PM.


#26 Golfmann

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Posted 13 November 2012 - 01:08 AM

Response:

I cannot recommend this for posting.

Look for errors in the following areas:
  • Dialogue punctuation and attribution
  • Quotes within dialogue
  • Ellipsis use
  • Hyphen/dash use
  • Comma use
This should not be considered an exhaustive list.
On a more subjective note, there's an awful lot of nothing in the story, which I don't mean as a pun. Much more description is needed; the story becomes a little too dry when it's nothing but Twilight freaking out. Show us what a dead, lonely, empty Equestria looks like. Show us all the empty buildings. The story feels downright choppy with a setting that's barely established.
This is the story's first strike out of a possible three. While I liked the concept, this needs a lot of work.
Signed,
Pre-reader Air Pirate
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From EQD^^

#27 Rhythmition

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Posted 16 November 2012 - 12:54 PM

I can edit if you want to.

#28 Golfmann

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Posted 16 November 2012 - 09:07 PM

Any help is greatly appreciated. I have one other person who is helping so this is awesome! PM me if you want details.


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