Jump to content


Photo

FoE Side Story Can someone critique and Editors needed


  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 Guardian

Guardian

    Story Maker/ ID Agent/ Analysis Pony

  • Pony
  • 150 posts
  • minecraft:
    GuardianMLP

Posted 25 March 2014 - 02:48 PM

So I've been bored a while and started reading fics left and right. Then I stumbled upon Fallout Equestria. And because I'm a die-hard Fallout fan, and now a brony and a good writer, I made this Side Story. Sure there are a ton of Side Stories out there, but I just enjoy writing these. So, I want someone to critique these and possibly get some Editors to help me.

 

Link to the Story:

https://docs.google....=h.km5haxuog7co

 

I would appreciate the help if you, the reading public, would like to help. If you're interested in being an editor, just say your Gmail account so you can edit it.



#2 Jay Gatsby

Jay Gatsby

    Brohoof's Very Own Gatsby

  • Builder
  • 138 posts
  • minecraft:
    Jay__Gatsby

Posted 25 March 2014 - 07:34 PM

Your idea is a little hackneyed. I have seen this plot hundreds of times. It sounds a lot like Broken Steel, or any fallout story in general. There are way too many out there that start with a vault dweller, including the actual games. The cutie mark and your characters purpose is not really original either... It's kinda cliche. You really, really, really need to rethink your concept, because from what I read, it just isn't interesting. I know, it hurts. Being a writer myself, I know after writing you honestly don't want to see criticism that tells you something is completely wrong. We all go through it. The best advice I can give you is to rethink your plot, completely. Find something that hasn't been done before. Like a Dashite who is a vertibird pilot, after escaping the cloud barrier. Now he is a constant target to the Enclave. That's a good idea, and go ahead and use it. A side story though, since I've already seen it before, it just doesn't spark me any interest. 

 

Other than that, the only advice I can give you is your format. The journal/entry/log set-up may seem original, but it is WAY overdone. It's something you have to do really well for it to work. Just write a third-person, I find that easier. You can describe a lot more. Roleplaying on the forums will get you really good at using that format.

 

I can't really edit, but if you ever need a idea or want to ask me something, you can PM me. I am going to put up a story I am writing right now if you want to check it out later.

 

Good luck



#3 Blazuhira Miller

Blazuhira Miller

    Granter of bad times.

  • RP Moderator
  • 3614 posts
  • minecraft:
    iDazzumHD

Posted 25 March 2014 - 07:36 PM

Vault 15? Did Darion attack or something?



#4 Guardian

Guardian

    Story Maker/ ID Agent/ Analysis Pony

  • Pony
  • 150 posts
  • minecraft:
    GuardianMLP

Posted 26 March 2014 - 06:21 AM

I knew this would happen. It's because the story isn't done, and it's a bit shady at first. I'll try to explain...

 

Yeah, the first part is a bit common, maybe until the learning curb stops. Then that's where my blood lust begins. Then again, I can try to make it into third-person view. But, that's my chapter 3, the only third person view with a mix of first person. The only reason I made it in FPV, the ending of the book will be dramatic with it, and not so much as in third person.

 

Actually, my first Idea was he should be a Raider, and escaped the life of it, only to be hunted down. But I saw one in the side stories already, so I scraped that Idea. For the enclave part, That's  a few more chapters away. Same concept as you had.

 

Plus I Roleplay a lot. I know what story to do. I know how to do it. But I don't know how to simplify the logs. It's a bit lengthy and they are voice recordings. Maybe do a mix or written and voice logs? Would that work? 

 

Also... Who's Darion? Oh, you mean Fallout 2. No. I just thought of a random number as a Stable number. I have no Idea what Fallout 2 is. Only played the ones in first person, not good at tactics like that. Kinda bores me.


Edited by Guardian, 26 March 2014 - 06:29 AM.


#5 Blazuhira Miller

Blazuhira Miller

    Granter of bad times.

  • RP Moderator
  • 3614 posts
  • minecraft:
    iDazzumHD

Posted 26 March 2014 - 09:28 AM

Well, too bad, fallout 1 and 2 are some of the best games I've ever played. Way better than fallout 3 IMHO

 

It's just stable 15 could confuse some people.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users