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Freezing- The story of Artic Mirage


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#1 Arthur

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Posted 16 February 2013 - 08:00 PM

 Feedback and critique are much welcomed! This is my first draft, so spelling or grammar errors may still exist. The time is while the mane six are still alive, but are retired from being the elements of harmony. They have grown up and have families. The CMC have their cutie marks are as old as the mane six are currently. And all the Princesses are still alive. Let's get on with the story!

                                                                                  Chapter One: Alone

Spoiler

                                                                                             Chapter 2: Delayed I have way too much spare time

Spoiler

                                                                                   Chapter 3: Flames

Spoiler

                                                                                     Chapter 4: A new friend

Spoiler

 

                                                                   Chapter Five= Like 3 pages!

Ok so I'll start adding OCs fill out the following form

Name

Gender (Stallion, Mare)

Race (Pegasus, Earth Pony, Unicorn, and I need 5 griffons at the most I don't want big eagle-lions everywhere in a fic centered off ponies)

Age (No foals under 10)

Appearance (Picture or a good description)

Cutie Mark/ Talent (What your cutie mark is and what it represents)

Bio (A paragraph explaining your OC's history)

Misc (Anything else about your OC)

 

Example:

Name: Artic Mirage

 

Gender: Mare


Race: Unicorn

 

Age: 14

 

Appearance:

Spoiler

Talent: Her snowflake stands for her resistance to the cold being greater than most ponies and she is a fast learner at cold weather spells

 

Bio: Artic was born in the city of Fillydalphia, she was always the one picked last for sports although she was an acceptable athlete. She just was always left out of the group, but she doesn't know why. She entered Galloping Gardens Junior High and met a new set of tormentors, Lydia Coalmine's group. She was a fan of the wonderbolts and watched them often. Her teaches usually don't like her for unknown reasons and she always ends up in detention even when she did nothing wrong. The only pony who doesn't downright hate her is Twinkleshy, daughter of the element of Kindness. She hopped on a train for a school field trip one day and didn't know this would change her entire life.

 

Misc: Artic is often picked on by her peers and doesn't really seem to fit in to any group, but she is strong, determined, and shares something bordering on an acquaintanceship and a friendship with Twinkleshy


Edited by Arthur the Stone, 18 February 2013 - 03:36 PM.


#2 Haxorizer145

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Posted 16 February 2013 - 08:04 PM

Very good. Even better than my stuff.

#3 Arthur

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Posted 16 February 2013 - 08:26 PM

Why thank you :D That made my day



#4 red475

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 09:32 AM

Very, very, very nice :D 

 

I can't wait to read more of this. You set up the story perfectly, I can sense who that characters are in all the scenes. Just, need a bit more description of Artic. 



#5 Haxorizer145

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 02:10 PM

If you can, would you add my OC?

Name: Sketchy
Race: Pegasi
Age: 16
Description: Orange coat with blue and green mane, derpy style, emerald eyes, and white hooves.
Sidenote: He is mute, he communicates through paper.
Gender: Stallion
Cutie Mark: a brush and pencil in a cross, meaning he is good at drawing.
Hopes this makes it.

Edited by Haxorizer 1.4, 17 February 2013 - 05:48 PM.


#6 Arthur

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 03:18 PM

If you can, would you add my OC?

Name: Sketchy
Race: Pegasi
Age: 16
Description: Orange coat with blue and green mane, derpy style, emerald eyes, and white hooves.
Sidenote: He is mute, he communicates through paper.

Hopes this makes it.

Yeah I like this! I'll set up the OC form in the first post now. Just add about his cutie mark and it's accepted


Edited by Arthur the Stone, 17 February 2013 - 03:27 PM.


#7 Haxorizer145

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 05:49 PM

Fixed.

#8 red475

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 06:04 PM

*Edit*

 

Name: Dark Night

 

Gender: Stallion

 

Race: Pegasus

 

Age: 18

 

Appearance:

 

Spoiler

 

Cutie Mark/ Talent: A darkened thundercloud with blue lightning sparks coming from inside it. 

 

Misc (Anything else about your OC): He was a royal guard of Celestia when he was banished to the outskirts of Equestria. All he wants to do is get back to his normal life and stop being followed by the main six.


Edited by red475, 17 February 2013 - 07:37 PM.


#9 Arthur

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 07:13 PM

Fixed.

Better, Accepted

 

 

Name: Dark Night

 

Gender: Stallion

 

Race: Pegasus

 

Age: 32

 

Appearance:

 

Spoiler

 

Cutie Mark/ Talent: No Cutie Mark however he can start flying and go from 0 mph to 73 mph in 6.3 seconds.

 

Misc (Anything else about your OC): He was a royal guard of Celestia when he was banished to the outskirts of Equestria. All he wants to do is get back to his normal life and stop being followed by the main six.

 

This OC isn't very canon, his appearance mostly and a 32 year old stallion with no cutie mark? I have good use for his royal guard history and banishment but he needs alot of work before I can put him into the storyline

 

 


[Edited character form]



#10 red475

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 07:19 PM

Better, Accepted

 

 

 

This OC isn't very canon, his appearance mostly and a 32 year old stallion with no cutie mark? I have good use for his royal guard history and banishment but he needs alot of work before I can put him into the storyline

 

 


[Edited character form]

What do you need added/changed for this OC? Let me know and I'll see what I can do.



#11 Npaws

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 07:28 PM

Name Spark Thundervolt

 

Gender (Stallion, Mare) Stallion

Race (Pegasus, Earth Pony, Unicorn, and I need 5 griffons at the most I don't want big eagle-lions everywhere in a fic centered off ponies) Pegasus

Age (No foals under 10) 15

Appearance (Picture or a good description)

Spoiler

Cutie Mark/ Talent (What your cutie mark is and what it represents) His cutie mark is a lighning bolt.  It represents how agile and nimble he is.

Misc (Anything else about your OC) Spark's parents died when he was too young to remember.  Whenever he thinks about them he starts to cry.  He has lived all his life alone, scavenging what he could and stealing anything he needed.  He was finally released from Manehattan prison a mnth ago for attempted robbery.


Edited by Npawesome, 17 February 2013 - 07:35 PM.


#12 Arthur

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 07:32 PM

Name Spark Thundervolt

 

Gender (Stallion, Mare) Stallion

Race (Pegasus, Earth Pony, Unicorn, and I need 5 griffons at the most I don't want big eagle-lions everywhere in a fic centered off ponies) Pegasus

Age (No foals under 10) 23

Appearance (Picture or a good description)

Spoiler

Cutie Mark/ Talent (What your cutie mark is and what it represents) His cutie mark is a lighning bolt.  It represents how agile and nimble he is.

Misc (Anything else about your OC) 

Good OC, I have an idea about what to do with him. I just need a bio and he'll be ready to plop into the plot.



#13 Npaws

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 07:32 PM

Okay, and I changed his age to 15.



#14 red475

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 07:38 PM

Fixed a couple things, hoped it helped :)



#15 Arthur

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 07:43 PM

Okay, and I changed his age to 15.

Better, Accepted!

 

 

Fixed a couple things, hoped it helped :)

Better, I'm gonna change his black to pastel grey for the sake of not being like, black and red.



#16 red475

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 07:45 PM

Better, Accepted!

 

 

Better, I'm gonna change his black to pastel grey for the sake of not being like, black and red.

Alright, seems good.



#17 Haxorizer145

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 09:57 PM

Which chapter will you add Sketchy?

#18 Arthur

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 10:30 PM

Which chapter will you add Sketchy?

He's in what I'm writing right now (4)



#19 Npaws

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 10:37 PM

Will all of us be in each chapter like he's in chapter four, I;m in five and then the other guy is in 6?



#20 Haxorizer145

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 10:42 PM

I wub this fic.

#21 Npaws

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 10:43 PM

Haxorizer mind reading mine?  It's caled The Evergreen Burns



#22 Arthur

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 12:57 AM

Please do not advertise other fics in this thread

 

 


And I promise I'll get everyone's OCs in soon



#23 Haxorizer145

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 01:01 AM

You really type fast, you have 3 chapters already. Waiting for 4.

#24 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 01:06 AM

Very well done indeed! I like the consistent progression and the narrative is as immersive as I could want!

 

Only nitpick would be the reason Arctic was being bullied. I'm not sure myself, but being bullied for a letter difference in your name never really made much sense to me.  Maybe you could say the name was the beginning and the catalyst, but the ponies just latched onto the idea that she was the victim and thus bully her.

 

I'm not trying to write your fic, for you, lord no, I'm just saying a slightly more detailed version of the backstory would make for a lot more immersion in the storytelling, you already have the rest of it down pat; the paragraphs, characters, descriptions and pacing all work very nicely together!



#25 Virelen

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 01:09 AM

Name- Virelen

Gender- Mare

Race- Unicorn

Age- 16

Appearance-
gavinoocsingle_by_sakurabomb-d5l1gt0.png

Cutie Mark/ Talent- Virelen's cutie mark is a book and a quill, as she is very good in reading and writing.
 

Bio- Virelen is a simple pony who was born in a small neighborhood near Las Pegasus. Her parents owned the local library, which is where she found her special talent. She heard of Twilight Sparkle and considers her her idol. She works as a helper in her parent's library.

Misc- She is very shy and reluctant to speak to others. However, she is quite easy to manipulate into doing things for others. 

This fanfiction sounds cool 030



#26 Arthur

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 01:13 AM

Very well done indeed! I like the consistent progression and the narrative is as immersive as I could want!

 

Only nitpick would be the reason Arctic was being bullied. I'm not sure myself, but being bullied for a letter difference in your name never really made much sense to me.  Maybe you could say the name was the beginning and the catalyst, but the ponies just latched onto the idea that she was the victim and thus bully her.

 

I'm not trying to write your fic, for you, lord no, I'm just saying a slightly more detailed version of the backstory would make for a lot more immersion in the storytelling, you already have the rest of it down pat; the paragraphs, characters, descriptions and pacing all work very nicely together!

Yeah I realized that pretty soon after I finished the third chapter, gonna change it with the fourth chapter

 

Name- Virelen

Gender- Mare

Race- Unicorn

Age- 16

Appearance-
gavinoocsingle_by_sakurabomb-d5l1gt0.png

Cutie Mark/ Talent- Virelen's cutie mark is a book and a quill, as she is very good in reading and writing.
 

Bio- Virelen is a simple pony who was born in a small neighborhood near Las Pegasus. Her parents owned the local library, which is where she found her special talent. She heard of Twilight Sparkle and considers her her idol. She works as a helper in her parent's library.

Misc- She is very shy and reluctant to speak to others. However, she is quite easy to manipulate into doing things for others. 

This fanfiction sounds cool 030

Accepted! :D



#27 Haxorizer145

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 01:14 AM

You'll upload 4 today?

#28 Arthur

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 01:22 AM

Probably tomorrow morning, it's getting late and my mom wants me to "socialize" with my annoying siblings.



#29 red475

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 01:54 AM

Nice, chapter 3 looks good :D 

 

Good progression so far and don't stress yourself with writing or putting in certain OC's. You can put mine aside if he doesn't fit in the story for a while. Won't hurt my feelings :)



#30 Arthur

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 02:24 AM

I just started writing an action part, I swear my heart started beating ninety times a second XD I'm really getting into the story



#31 Haxorizer145

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 04:08 AM

That's good! That way you can focus on the story, also this would be a 'stranded' kind of fic?

#32 Arthur

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 03:30 PM

That's good! That way you can focus on the story, also this would be a 'stranded' kind of fic?

Kind of, it get's a little complex a ways into the story at least it does in my mind



#33 red475

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Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:48 AM

Chapter 4= Great As Always :) Good Job



#34 Haxorizer145

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Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:24 AM

You aren't giving this up? Dontcha?

#35 Arthur

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Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:27 AM

I will never give up! No I've just been busy with school.



#36 Haxorizer145

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Posted 22 February 2013 - 01:28 AM

I will never give up! No I've just been busy with school.


Ah, good.

#37 Thailo

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Posted 22 February 2013 - 04:11 PM

Are you going to finish the story




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