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Dark Night and Celestia (Chapter 2 Added)


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#1 red475

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Posted 10 February 2013 - 10:09 AM

Alright, I am coming back with this Fanfiction. This is my OC and his general back story. This series will be updated every week with a new chapter. The chapters will be getting longer and longer as they go on.
 
I will be needing more characters to be going into this series as I go on. No Alicorns will be accepted sorry. So, if you have an OC that you have thought of pretty well, let me now by writing a comment below with the following:

 

Spoiler

 

Chapter 1

 

Spoiler

 

Chapter 2:

 

 

Dark Night and Celestia

 

Chapter 2

 

   I awoke to the bright sun as the night before raced back to the front of my brain. It all happened so fast. One moment, I was Celestia’s royal guard, protecting her from every danger that may harm her. The next thing I know I’m banished to the far regions of Equestria to fend for myself. Those six ponies have been following me for the past couple days now. Last night was really when they made their appearance.

 

   Thinking that they were clever, they hid behind bushes and soared high into the clouds. For a good while they kept under the radar; I had no idea they were even following me. However, that pink one, Pinkie something is her name, anyways she’s the one that “blew” their cover. Accidentally firing her party cannon in a bush; little said, I noticed them.

 

   I haven’t been able to rest easy anywhere really, knowing that they are watching my literal every move.

 

   “Why did I have to mess up?” I asked myself again. This question lingered in my mind ever sense I woke the first time in the outskirts. I deserved every second that I was out here; I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

 

   I almost dethroned and banished Celestia herself; almost. I was on the verge of completing my mission too. Then, Celestia’s six busted through the great doors and it all went downhill from there.  

 

   The memory came back to me before I could suppress it again; and soon I was taken back to that time.

 

   “Why are you doing thing Dark Night?” Celestia asked me looking up from being defeated.

 

   Panting heavily I replied, “Because, Equestria has had too long of a peaceful era, I was sent to this world with a mission, and today I fulfill that mission. I will send Equestria, the land of peace and harmony, into utter darkness and war!”

 

   “But, you were my loyal guard. I put my life in your hoofs countless times; why now?” She asked.

 

   “Because, dear Celestia now is when you are the weakest,” I replied back smiling a little.

 

   “What do you mean?” She asked again.

 

   “You trusted me in the room, you let your guard down, and you let me over power you. I have been watching you Celestia, you are very trusting at times; and that trustfulness will be your downfall!” I yelled.

 

   The entire castle shook from an explosion that happened outside. I turned around to face the doors.

 

   “They finally arrive,” I said getting ready for another fight.

 

   The castle doors blew open shattering the stained glass panes on the walls that depicted great events of Equestria. The royal six were standing before me, battered and worn from all the fighting.

 

   “Dark Night?” Twilight exclaimed.

 

   “Twi, you mean to tell me you know this creep?” Applejack asked in surprise.

 

   “Yes, he was my favorite guard when I was younger, he used to keep my family safe when I was studying in the castle years ago,” She replied. My former friend looked straight into my eyes, “Why?”

 

   “Twilight, how good to see you again with all your little friends,” I examined each one of them, they all were wearing the cursed elements.

 

   “Look here, I like all Pegasi, but when one causes this much destruction, that’s where I draw the line!” Rainbow Dash screamed at me.

 

   “Ha, you think that you ‘not liking me’ will make me change my ways?” I asked laughingly.

 

   “No, I just want you to remember that when you are banished!”

 

   “Me? Banished? Good luck with that one,” I said laughing again.

 

   “Don’t think I won’t hurt you Dark,” Twilight said to me.

 

   “I was about to say the same to you dear Twilight,” I replied.

 

   Twilight was on the edge, I could tell. She didn't want to have to hurt her old protector, but she didn't want to let her mentor down. In the end of all this, she was going to have to choose, the one that protected her, or the one that was only helping from the side lines.

 

   “Twilight, on your go we’ll end this,” Applejack said to her. I could feel my legs getting tired from all that I have been through today. I was feeling my own life force being drained to zero. To end this now would take all I have left in me.

 

   “Twilight!” Applejack said snapping Twilight out of her trance.

 

   “Wha? Oh, yeah, umm,” She said looking around at her friends.

 

   “Are we going to finish this or not? Come on Twilight!” Pinkie Pie urged.

 

   “Yeah, we will! Ready girls?” She asked.

 

   “Yea,” They all replied in unison. Taking a step back, their elements charged. I felt the end drawing nearer and nearer. It was either attack the one that I used to protect dearly, or let her attack me. I saw the beams of light all start coming together around them. My mind had the smallest of a second to decide.

 

   I spread my wings out and flew full speed at Twilight and her friends. It would have ended there, I would have hit Twilight throwing their attack off and knocking them all out. I could have banished Celestia with the elements and while using them, I could have arisen the evil Discord and plunge the land into chaos; I could have.

 

   The only thing that stopped me was the hoof at my leg; Celestia’s hoof. She grabbed me mid flight which made me stop. I tried shaking her off me totally forgetting the attack coming. When she finally let go of me and dropped to the floor; it was too late.

 

   I looked back at the six just in time to see Twilight's crying face when the beam hit me. Everything went black after that.

 

   The memory of the blast shook me back into reality. I looked around the field that I was in. The weeds in the ground were swaying ever so slightly to the left. The woods I just walked through the night before was lively with woodland creatures. And the bushes nearby had stalking eyes; piercing into my own when a flash of light erupted behind the bushes and the eyes were gone.

 

   “Where did it all go wrong,” I asked myself before walking down a small hill.

 

 

Tell me what you think and what I should change; I'm always looking for constructive criticism. 


Edited by red475, 19 February 2013 - 04:20 AM.


#2 deactivated-333333333

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Posted 10 February 2013 - 10:24 AM

I don't want to sound mean, but your OC is a total mary sue. Oh and do spoilers like [.spoiler] stuff goes here [/spoiler], without the period.


Edited by Jasplosion, 10 February 2013 - 10:24 AM.


#3 red475

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Posted 10 February 2013 - 10:26 AM

I don't want to sound mean, but your OC is a total mary sue. Oh and do spoilers like [.spoiler] stuff goes here [/spoiler], without the period.

Thanks for the spoiler thing, and as for my OC, he is supposed to be a mary sue like. His personality ties into what happens later in the series so don't worry about that.



#4 red475

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 08:00 PM

Chapter 2 added and edited. Enjoy 



#5 Blazuhira Miller

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 08:02 PM

See, making that "what it's meant to be" is a sucky excuse, and I'm tired of anti-celestia fics.



#6 red475

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 08:05 PM

See, making that "what it's meant to be" is a sucky excuse, and I'm tired of anti-celestia fics.

It's not an anti=-celestia fic. Don't be so judgmental after only reading 2 chapters. 



#7 Blazuhira Miller

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 08:07 PM

You made your character Celestia's brother. There's Mary Sue, then there's mary sue and canon breaking.



#8 red475

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 08:12 PM

Where did I make my character Celestia's brother? If any part of the story came off like that I'm sorry. I didn't intend to make the story take that kind of turn. And I say again, the Mary Sue trait is supposed to be there. Tell me where the Mary Sue trait happens and I will remove it. 



#9 RattlesnakeBites

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 03:34 AM

Name: Thunderclap

 

Gender: Female
Body Color: http://i47.tinypic.com/15xv30y.jpg
Mane Color:http://i47.tinypic.com/15xv30y.jpg
Tail Color:http://i47.tinypic.com/15xv30y.jpg
Type(Alicorn, Unicorn, etc): Alicorn
Bio: She was raised by Changelings, in an attempt to bring down Equestria. They ended up failing, and attempted to destroy her, yet she escaped. She has a scythe, that she can use to control her power. When she strikes the ground with it, lightning hits the area. Yet after she does this, it can make her weak for a few minutes.
Personality: Sarcastic, brave, loyal, quiet, and a bit anti- social.

 

I'm guessing this is where it goes xD


Edited by RattlesnakeBites, 18 February 2013 - 03:36 AM.


#10 red475

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Posted 19 February 2013 - 03:53 AM

Name: Thunderclap

 

Gender: Female
Body Color: http://i47.tinypic.com/15xv30y.jpg
Mane Color:http://i47.tinypic.com/15xv30y.jpg
Tail Color:http://i47.tinypic.com/15xv30y.jpg
Type(Alicorn, Unicorn, etc): Alicorn
Bio: She was raised by Changelings, in an attempt to bring down Equestria. They ended up failing, and attempted to destroy her, yet she escaped. She has a scythe, that she can use to control her power. When she strikes the ground with it, lightning hits the area. Yet after she does this, it can make her weak for a few minutes.
Personality: Sarcastic, brave, loyal, quiet, and a bit anti- social.

 

I'm guessing this is where it goes xD

Rejected, please change type and it will be accepted. 


Edited by red475, 19 February 2013 - 04:20 AM.


#11 iluvponies35

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Posted 19 February 2013 - 04:10 AM

No offence Rattlesnake and Red, but SERIOUSLY!? Your accepting a ALICORN into your story?

 

I can understand your looking for characters but...Know when to draw the line at least!



#12 red475

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Posted 19 February 2013 - 04:19 AM

Alright, I can sense the hatred of Alicorns and all, so fine I'll change the rules to no alicorns. Sorry rattlesnake but the hatred is just to prominent for me to just ignore. If you can make it a different type that would be great and it will still be accepted. 

 

Thanks iluvponies35. 



#13 RattlesnakeBites

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Posted 19 February 2013 - 08:23 PM

Name: Thunderclap

 

Gender: Female
Body Color: http://i47.tinypic.com/15xv30y.jpg
Mane Color:http://i47.tinypic.com/15xv30y.jpg
Tail Color:http://i47.tinypic.com/15xv30y.jpg
Type(Alicorn, Unicorn, etc): Pegasus *cough cough* Ignore the horn.
Bio: She was raised by Changelings, in an attempt to bring down Equestria. They ended up failing, and attempted to destroy her, yet she escaped. She has a scythe, that she can use to control her power. When she strikes the ground with it, lightning hits the area. Yet after she does this, it can make her weak for a few minutes.
Personality: Sarcastic, brave, loyal, quiet, and a bit anti- social.

 

Reposted, just ignore the horn^^




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