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The assassination (A brohoof community story!)


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#1 Distortion_

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 06:56 AM

Hey guys, I decided to write a fic about many people from the server. Enjoy! more chapters in the making.

Who are already part of the story ?:

lphemphil ______________Scratchvinyl __________Supernoob
0Tsarbomb0 ____________Tudexd _____________Lord_kakapo
Caventh ________________Sgt.squishy __________gillaumameman
Volvonski ______________gyzyh
Hazzat _________________Distortion
CalistoVolan ____________Jutsy
Imnotparanoid ___________
harlequinqueen
Herpy__dooves __________Creeper jack7
MaceWindows ___________Spiffington
Hxfthxft _________________Alphaspacewombat
Kajineko _______________Lazaruz95
Dtgenshiken7 ___________Stardustboy123


Want to be in it? request it! and I will try to find a spot in the story that I can put you in. Ok I am stopping requests, as you can see the list is overflowing right now. maybe later in the story I'll add it again! however I will add new people to the story if I choose to though.
The assassination

Chapter one:

“You have been trained well assassin. After many years of studying, and labour, we have chosen you to assassinate her. Your mission starts tomorrow, you will be flown to Phland. Further instructions will be given once arrived. You will go by the name of… Imnotparanoid.”

Queen Philly was sitting on her throne, in deep thoughts. She was the ruler of phland, the homeland of many. There wasn’t much to do for her lately. All the things a queen must do had been done and she was free for the week. She needed a little entertainment. “Tsarbomb! Will you be so kind to fetch the jester for me?”. Tsarbomb muttered to himself then replied with a, “yes queen”. Tsarbomb didn’t like doing silly little chores for queen Philly, he was a proud knight after all.
Moments later jester Imnotparanoid walked in. “At your service m’lady!” he said. “Entertain me with whatever you got!” queen philly ordered. Paranoid thought to himself, “what is the best kind of entertainment? Of course! Improv!”. Paranoid started with some improve acting. “So I was walking down the road, and this random pumpkin salesman was standing there. I said Hey! Can I get some…”.
before he could finish his sentence Lord Tsarbomb came running in. “there has been a murder!” he shouted. Philly and paranoid both looked at him in confusion. “who is the one that is murdered?” philly asked. Tsar gulped, then replied “It.. it was one of our commanders.. Caventh”. Philly stood up with trembling legs. “C..Caventh?”. “Where’s the body? … Tsar! Where is the body!?” “he lies in the main hall” he replied. “I just left him there and ran straight toward you”. “Queen, it is not safe for you, follow me to the only car in this time. Volvonski. It shall bring you to safety!”. “jester, come with us!” he said. The jester was gone. “He must have ran in fear” philly said unsettled. “there is no time to search for him, let us move on to Volvonski!”. Philly followed tsarbomb through the castle. Eventually they passed through the main hall where commander Caventh should lay dead. But he was gone. Tsar kneeled at the spot where Caventh was moments ago. The spot was still warm. “Detective!”. Tsar yelled through the castle. Detective CalistoVolan came rushing in. “What is it lord tsarbomb?”. “Our commander Caventh has been assassinated, but the body has been removed!” he replied. “I knew of no one else but you to call”. Calisto frowned. She kneeled next to tsar to inspect the warm spot. She noticed a single drop of blood, colour blended with the red carpet. She touched the blood stain. It was still warm. Meaning Caventh must have been here just a minute ago. Calisto came to a conclusion. “Commander Caventh is still within these castle walls, I suggest we split up to find him”. Tsar called a few guards to help searching. They were MaceWindows, Herpy__dooves, hxfthxft, and Kajineko. The guards all scrambled through the castle. “Queen Philly?” Calisto asked. “why do you have so little guards, isn’t that dangerous?”. Philly thought for a moment, the said “I have the best guards there are, I don’t need more of them! That said, I could use my old dear friend Hazzat. The paladin of Phland. But no one knows where he is. Come to think of it, Hazzat would make a great asset to our team. I assumed you weren’t going to let the death of Caventh go unpunished right Calisto?” Calisto stood up, walked up to a pilar and punched a piece of of it. “We will find the one who did this to dear Caventh, I promise.”

Edited by Distortion_, 11 September 2012 - 10:10 AM.


#2 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 07:04 AM

Oh my god yes, this has to continue.

#3 Philly

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 07:21 AM

As ruler of Phland, I commend thee.

#4 ScratchVinyl

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 07:22 AM

Nice Dis!
really nice.
Mind my request if u could paste me in?

#5 Distortion_

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 07:39 AM

Nice Dis!
really nice.
Mind my request if u could paste me in?

Sure! I have enough space now so :).

#6 Distortion_

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 08:28 AM

So I finished chapter two of the story, enjoy! some characters will be added next chapter!


Chapter two

“Mail for sir Imnotparanoid!” Imnotparanoid looked up from a tree stump he was sitting on. “yes, that would be me” he replied. The mailman said nothing else and ran off straight away. Paranoid opened the message that was sealed with wax. He read the letter. “This was not part of the plan. commander Caventh should not have died. People are suspicious and queen Philly is being brought to safety. You are an assassin, you do not kill without our permission. This is your final warning, kill anyone else but philly, and we will have no choice to eliminate you ourselves.
Do not disapoint us.” Paranoid threw the letter in the fire he was sitting at. He found himself on the edge of the phwoods. He had no food or water and needed them desperately. Paranoid was trained well, so he started tearing off pieces of bark to find maggots he could eat. And yes! He found some! He ate all of them, it was disgusting but very rich in proteïn. He sat back down on the tree stump at the fire. He looked to his left and saw the body of Caventh wrapped in linen cloth. He called out “Commander Caventh, get up.” Caventh was not responsive. Paranoid sighed, he never killed Caventh. All he did was shoot a tranquilizer dart in his neck. He took out a map that he had with him. He looked for the nearest village. There was a tiny village with only a few people living in it. It was called Jutsyville. A small fishing village. He decided to go there, it was not really safe here. He grabbed his stuff and put Caventh on his shoulder. Then set off to Jutsyville.

Back at the castle the guards were still searching for the so called killer. Kajineko couldn’t be bothered to search the upper section of the castle and sat down. His feet hurt very much from all the standing around he did all day. Mace and Herpy had aswell stopped searching after clearing most of the castle. Herpy was talking to mace “if he was here half an hour ago, he will be gone by now, if he is a good assassin.” He said. Mace agreed and they spotted Kajineko sitting there rubbing his feet. They walked up to him. Mace smiled and said “so you’re tired already to huh.” “yea I am, I’ve been standing around this castle for 14 hours already. I don’t get why Philly won’t hire any other people to guard for her!” kajineko replied. He then looked up and said “wait, where is hxfthxft?”. Herpy and Mace shrugged.
Hxfthxt was in the top tower of the castle where Philly likes to sit and daydream. He looked out over the land. In the far distance Jutsyville was visible. It was surrounded by tall grown trees and shrubs. He had an idea to go check out Jutsyville for anybody suspicious. As he was about to leave he spotted a drawing by queen Philly. He picked it up, it was a somewhat crude drawing of a paladin. He did not know who it was supposed to be. He put down the drawing and went down to the floor Tsar Philly and Calisto were. He walked up to them and wanted to talk. But then stopped when he saw that Philly was crying. “uhm.. queen Philly? Are you alright?” Philly replied “yes, I am fine”. She stopped crying and asked hxfthxt if he had seen anything suspicious. He sighed, “no, but I do have an idea the killer would have fled to the nearest village. Jutsyville.” “then that is where we will go” tsar said confidently. “I trust you hxfthxft, you have never disappointed me. Hey, where are the other guards?” that exact moment they came walking in all together. “no trace of the killer or Caventh sir.” Calisto got annoyed, “I should have searched myself, I would have found him.. Well it is not too late, we shall head to Jutsyville and investigate further there.” Philly then commanded “we shall take the most loyal, and trusted car there. Volvonski.” They walked outside and saw Volvonski parked outside. “beep beep meow” it said. “did Volvonski just meow?” mace asked. “yea ignore that, it does that sometimes” Philly said. They all got in Volvonski, then set off to Jutsyville.

#7 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 08:43 AM

They all got in Volvonski, then set off to Jutsyville.


Greatest thing ever.

#8 tudexd

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 09:44 AM

Where am I you fool, everypony knows there is no story without me.

#9 Sky Jazz

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 11:27 AM

-_- really tude? it looks good to me

#10 Spoffingten

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 12:03 PM

Put me in this story right-ass now. This is the glorious.

#11 Philly

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 12:30 PM

Ohmegosh, my car is Volvonski and it occasionally meows. How did you know what my dream car was?!

#12 Distortion_

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 12:33 PM

Ohmegosh, my car is Volvonski and it occasionally meows. How did you know what my dream car was?!

Everyone wants a volvonski car! but so little people get one.

Chapter three is done! enjoy!

Chapter three:
Imnotparanoid walked into Jutsyville. People all around were looking up at him carrying Caventh. The town owner Jutsy looked up from his fish stall and inspected Paranoid. He found it strange that he was carrying a body while wearing a jester’s uniform. He ran up to Paranoid and asked if the one he was carrying was okay, and if he needed help. Paranoid didn’t say anything and kept on going toward an inn. Jutsy now stopped paranoid. “hey I am talking to you! Who is that on your shoulder? Is he dead?”. Paranoid stopped and looked up. “He’s fine” he said. “He just needs some rest”. Jutsy’s frown turned into a smiling face. “alright, the costs are on me stranger” he said. Paranoid thanked him and they walked inside. At the counter of the inn was dtgenshiken7. He greeted paranoid “hello I run this inn how can I..” he stopped. He looked at the body over the shoulder of Paranoid. Jutsy asked for a room as soon as possible. They all hurried upstairs to a room. Paranoid put Caventh in the bed. “I am a paramedic, so don’t worry about him, all he needs is rest”. Paranoid explained. Let’s go downstairs Jutsy said, I need to ask you some questions.
they walked downstairs into the bar of the inn. At the bar were Sgt.squishy, Distortion and Gyzyh drinking beer. They were playing some sort of drinking game, and Squishy was obviously winning. She was chugging a barrel of beer while the others were just drinking pints. Paranoid look strangely at them then continued to a chair and table near a window. Jutsy and him sat down. The first thing Jutsy asked was “who are you? And why are you wearing a jester’s uniform? Wait. Are you harlequinqueen’s husband?”. Paranoid did not know who that was. Jutsy and Paranoid continued on talking. Paranoid had to make stuff up to not reveal his true plans of killing queen Philly. Jutsy bought it and completely understood what Paranoid was saying. “well, you are a welcome guest here in Jutsyville!” he told him happily. Paranoid shook his head “no I can not stay, but this man I brought must”. “I don’t understand..” jutsy answered. Paranoid stood up “the less you know the better”. “I am leaving this village now, but I would like to buy some Jutsyfish and water.” Jutsy’s eyes twinkled, “Ofcourse! Fish is my specialty, no where else can you get better fish!”. Paranoid bought a bag of fish and a few canteens of water. “I need transportation too, can I get some anywhere here?” Jutsy took him to a stall. “Here is Mewly the mule, he might be a mule but he is the fastest and strongest mule you will ever see! He will cost you 35 gold pieces” Paranoid handed over the gold and without saying a word he left Jutsyville. As Jutsy watched him ride out of the village he couldn’t help but feel curious about the mysterious guy.

A few hours later Volvonski arrived in the town. “Meow beep Meow”. Everyone stepped out and Volvonski waited. The group walked into the middle of the town, there was someone playing music. It was very strange music, music queen Philly and her team had never heard of. The only thing she could make of it was, wubbish. the musician stopped playing and looked at the queen. “oh my… that is queen Philly! What is she doing in a humble village like this?”. She walked up to queen Philly but Mace and herpy blocked the way. “Halt!” they shouted. “no one near the queen!”. “please!” the musician said. “My name is ScratchVinyl, I am but a mere musician, I couldn’t do anything to the queen!”. Mace and herpy didn’t buy it, they held their position. Scratch walked away being annoyed that she could not speak to the queen. All she wanted to do is make music for Philly, her dream is to be a royal musician. “hold on you!” philly said. “You… haven’t I seen you before? Yes, you were the one that got arrested for stabbing one of my gardeners, Tudexd. With his own hedge clippers! Though he is alright now that was quite a shock”. “yes, that was me, I got released when they heard tudexd was okay”. She said. There was an akward silence, until tsar broke it and suggested to find an inn to stay at for the night. The gang went to find an inn but Mace stayed with scratch. “I’ll be watching you, you better not try anything stupid”. Scratch had a disturbing smirk on her face. “don’t you worry, I.. am not going to do anything harmfull”. She walked off not looking back at mace but waving at him. Mace felt unsettled. Then he walked to the inn. Walkinging into the inn, he sees something amazing..

Edited by Distortion_, 10 September 2012 - 12:36 PM.


#13 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 12:40 PM

Keep em coming, these are great!

secretly just happy I was included :3

#14 Lazaruz95

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 12:48 PM

I'm curious how you could fit me in the story.
Put me in!

#15 Stardustboy

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 01:46 PM

Posted Image Is it maybe possible to put me in the story? :D

#16 Distortion_

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 10:47 AM

Chapter three part two people!

Chapter three part two:

Sitting at the bar next to three passed out people who look too familiar, was commander caventh! Calisto and tsar were asking him questions while herpy, mace, hxft and kajineko were drinking at the bar. Philly just sat there day dreaming. “Commander Caventh, thank goodness you are alive!” Calisto said in relief. “what on earth happened to you?”. Commander Caventh who was a bit drowsy replied “It was the jester, I found out he was an assassin, and he shot me with something. Then I woke up in this inn, I have no idea how I got here”. “Calisto came to the conclusion that it must have been the jester who had brought him here. Caventh looked at Philly, his voice changed. I have information on the jester, Imnotparanoid is an assassin from the shadow organization. They have planned to kill you queen Philly . Oh. And Philly, I have information about Paladin hazzat. He is somewhere in the Creeper mountains of jack”. Philly looked at him in confusion. “wait how do you know this?” she asked him. “The gardener tudexd told me. He had been training magic with him in secrecy. But Hazzat gave up when Tude kept on shocking himself. Hazzat lives on the far peak of Creeperjack mountain. But to get there you will have to defeat Alpha the spacewombat. He will be blocking the path with his pets lazaruz95 and spiffington the dirty”. Tsar stood up in a mighty position, “this is where I come in!” he shouted. “I will travel with you all, and will not rest until my sword splits the wombat and his pets in half”. “So it is decided, we shall find Hazzat to deal with this jester.” Philly said. “let us move to…”. Philly stopped. She looked at the floor and saw that not only the three drunks were on the floor, but now Herpy, Mace, kajineko and hxft were on the floor too. She grumped “fine we will go tomorrow after some rest”.

Paranoid and mewly the mule were on their way to the dwarf fortress. He knew some people there that could help him with his mission. Though he could not exactly tell what he was planning. It took him the whole night to get there but there it was, dwarf fortress. Standing outside he could see a dwarf and a bird talking to eachother. “man my country is shit, can I come live in dwarf fortress. The architect’s were probably drunk when building the buildings there. And don’t get me started on the government, they do absolutely nothing but care for themselves. Everything there just sucks”. The bird squaked. The dwarf answered him with “I don’t know, can you be productive around here? There’s all sorts of nasty elves around here that eat their friends. We need them to stay away, and we need our unicorns trained for battle. Can you do that?” the bird answered with yes and flew inside. Paranoid walked up to the dwarf. “hello old friend” he said. The dwarf inspected him. “Paranoid? Is that you? It has bee so long”. “yes it’s me” he answered. “supernoob12345. I need your help. I am have a classified mission, I can’t go into detail but I really need your help. I have the orders to kill someone evil, but I lack some required tools to do so. I know you can help me with that”. Supernoob nodded, and waved to follow him into the fortress. He took him too, what he believed, was the heart of the fortress. A big furnace was in the middle of it. “this is our forge. Blacksmith Gillaumameman runs it” supernoob explained. “now I have some business to take care of, you go ahead and get your tools. Oh, and I shall tell the guards that you are always welcome in my fortress”. Paranoid thanked him and walked up to Gillaum. “Bombs? Rope? It’s yours my friend, as long as you have enough gold” Gillaum said. Paranoid told him he needed other things than that. “No I need a grappling hook, a poisonous dagger, and a protective dragonhide chest piece”. The dwarf was confused. “ Lamp oil!” he said. Paranoid facepalmed, “No I need a grappling hoog, a poisonous dagger and a protective dragonhide chest piece!”. “I am sorry sir, I can’t give credit. Come back when you’re a little MMMM richer”. Paranoid got annoyed. “Dammit Gillaum, I don’t have time for this!” he yelled. Gillaum sighed, then put the items Paranoid requested on the table. “15 gold pieces please. Oh and sorry for just then, this is what I need to do to sell. No one wants to buy my bombs, rope or lamp oil”. Paranoid said it was okay, he handed over the money and took the tools. As fast as he came he left. Paranoid got on mewly the mule and rode off without even saying goodbye to supernoob12345.

#17 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 11:25 AM

I almost died the second I read Mewly the mule. This is golden XD

#18 Spoffingten

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 05:15 PM

Overlooking the few spelling errors because I'm too busy vomiting rainbows of anticipation.

I REQUIRE MORE.

#19 Distortion_

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 05:21 PM

Overlooking the few spelling errors because I'm too busy vomiting rainbows of anticipation.

I REQUIRE MORE.

while I type this at lightning speed I do not look back at what I wrote so I don't pay attention to the spelling. Hehe. Chapter four up tomorrow!

#20 Spoffingten

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Posted 12 September 2012 - 11:42 AM

Ah. Well, as this is more of a fun, non-serious story, that's not only forgivable, but a good way to keep chapters comin'.

#21 Lazaruz95

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Posted 12 September 2012 - 11:43 AM

*woff* *woof* *meow* *growl* *bark*

(Translation: I like where this is going, Give me more)

#22 Distortion_

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Posted 24 September 2012 - 06:49 AM

Hey guys, sorry it has taken so long to post an update of the story. but here it finally is! chapter 4

Chapter 4
The next morning the guards woke up with a bad headache. Mace woke everyone up. “get up you lazy bums!” he shouted through the room. Kajineko and herpy stood up but where was hxfthxft? He was not in his bed. Mace walked downstairs into the bar area of the Inn. For some reason Squishy, Distortion and gyzyh were still on the floor with shattered glass aroundt hem. But there was no sign of hxfthxft. Queen Philly and Tsarbomb were up already too. Mace walked up to them and interrupted “Has any of you two seen hxfthxft?”. Philly and tsar shrugged. He started asking around the pub for clues where he might be. Calisto blocked the way, “Stop it you fool!” she said angrily. “you know that I am a detective and that this is my area of expertise! So move out of the way mace”. Mace hung his head and walked over to a seat and sat down. He wished he was as cool as Calisto. Calisto looked everywhere for hints but couldn’t find any. She scratched her head in confusion. “I don’t get it she said, usually I would have found something by now. “Mace can you stand up please”. Mace stood up and a letter was underneath him. Mace read out loud “Dearest crew, I couldn’t stand to wait any longer. So I am headed to creeperjack mountains. I will probably regret the decision of going alone later. But for now, it sounds like a great plan. Always loyal hxfthxft”. Mace looked up at Calisto. Calisto started muttering to herself. “what if he gets killed. Or captured, what a fool!”. She called Queen philly and the rest downstairs. “our loyal guard Hxft has gone to the creeper mountains of jack on his own, so I suggest that we go there as soon as possible too. You know what, it’s best we leave right now. The creeperjack mountains are very dangerous with that alpha the spacewombat thing lurking around there”. Everyone quickly picked up their stuff and headed outside. Volvonski was covered in mud and dirt when they arrived. Philly just looked at the car for a moment. “uh, volvonski, how did this exactly happen?” philly asked. The car replied with “beep beep meow beep meow vroom vroom”. Apparently the car had been rolling around in the mud to amuse itself. It was bored of waiting around, cars have feelings too! Here is where herpy came in action. He did a roundhouse kick and chopped, hacked and slashed at the car. The dirt and mud exploded off and under it was an almost brand new shiny volvonski. The rest watched in awe. There was a tear in Kajineko’s eye. He washed that car with such beauty and grace, it was all so overwhelming. All of them fit themselves into volvonski and they were off headed to the creeper mountains of jack.

Meanwhile Paranoid and mewly the mule were moving toward a far away land. They were off the the nether-netherlands. But that country was all the way over sea, and in the sea. No problem for mewly the mule. To Paranoid’s surprise mewly set off into the sky and flew just under the speed of sound toward the nether-netherlands. After a while they reached great britrain. As they passed over it Mewly couldn’t help it and broke the sound barrier. With a loud bang paranoid was sling shotted off of the back of mewly into the woods of no return. Ironically people did return from these woods. Paranoid twirlingly at high speed smashed into a dead tree. Oh dear, he had landed in the creepy part of the woods. There was an actual slenderman lurking these woods who went by the name of Zingten11. A very dangerous being. Paranoid wanted to find Mewly back, the only way to do so was find eight random pages for some odd reason. Paranoid thought to himself “seriously writer of this fic.. you are going to make me play the slender game?” and he knew the answer was yes. Paranoid headed into the woods looking for pages. He spotted one on a big silo. He grabbed it and read the page. It said “Mitt Romney for president” Paranoid looked at it in disgust. That Zingten11 must be crazy! Paranoid started hearing an eerie thump every two seconds. He started to run, he came across a bath house. Fighting his instinct he headed inside it. Another page was found It said “Do you understand LOYFE? Do you!?”. Paranoid sensed something creepy near him. He shuddered. He slowly turned around…

Next chapter will be chapter 4 part two!

Edited by Distortion_, 24 September 2012 - 06:49 AM.


#23 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 24 September 2012 - 07:01 AM

I laughed until I stopped, this is fantastic!


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