Blaze Replied.
-No capitalization on replied.
*groan*
-This seems kinda forced in there. I would do something like "yadda yadda yadda." He said groaning, "continue if there is more here with no capital as there is a comma after groaning in my example."
Racing out of bed and down to the kitchen he prepared some cereal and some coffe for himself
-After kitchen i would add a comma and it is spelled coffee.
All of a sudden he remember: Today was his daughter Firefleet's fire day of school.
-Usually people say "the sudden" also, change to "remembered". Also this seems like a fragmented sentence. I would take out the colon and put in a comma, lowercase "t".
He then proceeded to get some pancakes cooking and some tea for his wife and lastly fixing up 3 bowls of cereal and some orange juice for his daughter and 2 son's.
-Having two "ands" is a no no only in special occasions. I would advise either making it as a list: thing, thing, and thing... or revise it a different way. Sons does not have an apostrophe either
"Dear please you dont have to be in such a hurry" His wife said looking at the clock. "Its only 7:36"
-"Dear please, you don't have to be in such a hurry," his wife said looking at the clock, "it's only 7:36!"
"Blaze instantly processed what his wife had said
-It's early in the morning. Nobody processes anything quickly.
Suddenly and without warning
-I would choose one or the other. Having both makes the flow seem choppy.
Said Blaze looking in awe
-I would use, "said Blaze, narrowing his eyes angrily."
Apparently the scroll was unharmed but as far as the royal guard know theres zero words on the scroll"
-knows and there's. I assume there is a reason for having no words on it.
Pretty good start. I cannot stress enough PUNCTUATION. There MUST be punctuation after speech or dialogue.
Such as here:
"I have to go to canterlot"
I have to go to Canterlot."
Then, I would just end it here. The disbelief part is unnecessary and provides a cliff hanger if you end it with a quote.
There is more advice i have but that's enough in one post :3
Edited by Golfmann14, 16 November 2012 - 11:50 PM.