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Last Glimpse Fan-Fiction Draft


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#1 Wyngaed

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Posted 25 October 2014 - 09:58 PM

Story is set after nightmare moon appears but in the Version the mane six did not stop here
This is Written as a Journal Format
Please guys please comment some improvements!
 
Last Glimpses
 
I do not remember the last Day, it was to painfull to keep in my mind. Things i do remeber though is my life
Before this. I was an inventor, most considered me strange to be a inventor while also being pegasi but it was 
destiny and people liked that. If there was anything wrong Ponies came to me for help but alas no longer.
Equestria is lost, She has taken it all, Nightmare moon.
 
Nowadays or should i say nowanights i stay alone trying to get by in everyday life. if you can even call it that anymore.
Alot of other ponys stay in small settlements but i prefer to stay alone and that works for me.
 
I passed cloudsdale not too long ago although its not really in the clouds anymore. Instead the place i grew up in has
been embeded into the dirt. That day i shed a tear not of liquid pride but of remorse. I Hope The People there
Got out of there.
 
Nobody Knows what nightmare moon did to celestia-Some belive she fell to nightmare moon and others say she is imprisoned
in the sun, Revenge i guess but what we do know is that hopefully she will return and fix this
 
Ran into whats left of the diamond dog gang but before i could say anything like "dont Move" or something they were 
Consumed in shadow. of course i escaped you dont usually see shadows fly so i flew up and i was fine.
 
I decided to look through the ruins of cloudsdale maybe finds some ponys or maybe even my family.
Unfortunatley it was deserted, the streets were destroyed and buildings well there was hardly any.
 
To My Dismay Ive had to go through the Evergreen Forest. I needed to lie low since these shadowy creatures were everywhere
in towns and villages. Its not all bad ive stoped and rested by the Tree of harmony with some other ponies that have been 
praying to the tree but so far their prayers go un-answered.
The Next Morning all the ponies were gone and the tree was black and cracked in half through the middle
 
End of draft


#2 Wyngaed

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Posted 26 October 2014 - 01:15 AM

in the final line a i said morning ill fix that



#3 Reverie

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Posted 26 October 2014 - 07:31 AM

An editing skim for you-- take all wording revisions with a grain of salt. After all, you're the writer. Also, it would be good to look up writing clichés and limit yourself to only a few at most.
 
 
==========
 
Removals
Additions
[Comments]
 
==========
 
I do not remember the last Dday[Do you mean yesterday? If so, change to yesterday.], it was is too painfull to keep in my mind. Things What iI do remember, though, is my life Bbefore this. I was an inventor,. Most considered me strange to be being an inventor while also being and a pegasusi strange, but it was my destiny and people liked that. If there was anything wrong[implicit] Ponies came used to come to me for help but alas, no longer.Equestria is lost. She has taken it all: Nightmare mMoon.
 
Nowadays (or should iI say nowanights) iI stay alone, trying to live a normal get by in everyday life... if you can even call it that anymore.
While Alot a lot of other poniesys stay in small settlements, but iI prefer to stay alone. and that works for me.[implicit]
 
I passed cCloudsdale not too long ago although its not really in the clouds anymore. Instead, the place iI grew up in has
been embedded into the dirtground. That day i shed a tear not of liquid pride but of remorse. I Hope The People there
Got out of there. I cried the day it fell, knowing that not everypony could have made it out in time.[Revised sentence if you wish to use it as a springboard, however, I would recommend omitting this last bit entirely.]
 
Nobody Kknows what nNightmare mMoon did to cCelestia. Some believe she fell to nNightmare mMoon and others say she is imprisoned
in the sun. Revenge, iI guess,. but what we do know is that hopefully she will return and fix this. We hope she's still alive and able to eventually return to fix this mess.[Revised sentence if you wish to use it as a springboard.]
 
[implicit 'I' may or may not be appropriate. Consider how your character talks.] Ran into what's left of the dDiamond dDog gang, but before iI could say so much as anything like "dDon't Mmove," they were Cconsumed in shadow. oOf course, iI escaped via air since you don't usually see shadows flying about. so i flew up and i was fine.
 
Next, I decided to look through the ruins of cCloudsdale, maybe finds some poniesys or maybe even my family. Unfortunatleely it was devoid of life. deserted tThe streets were destroyed and the buildings... well, there waswere hardly any still standing.
 
To Mmy Ddismay, Ive had to go through the EvergreenEverfree Forest. I needed to lie low since these shadowy creatures were everywhere in towns and villages. Its not all bad[implicit] ive stoped and rested I stopped to rest by the Tree of hHarmony with some other ponies that have been praying to the tree, but so far their prayers go have gone unanswered. The Nnext Mmorning, all the ponies were gone and the tree was black and cracked in half through down [Presumably vertically. If not, ignore the last revision.] the middle.
 
[It should be noted that the tree of harmony was not known about in season one, which is (presumably) around when these events are unfolding.]

Edited by Reverie, 26 October 2014 - 05:45 PM.


#4 Wyngaed

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Posted 26 October 2014 - 09:16 AM

 

An editing skim for you-- take all wording revisions with a grain of salt. After all, you're the writer. Also, it would be good to look up writing clichés and limit yourself to only a few at most.
 
 
==========
 
Removals
Additions
[Comments]
 
==========
 
I do not remember the last Dday[Do you mean yesterday? If so, change to yesterday.], it was is too painfull to keep in my mind. Things What iI do remember, though, is my life Bbefore this. I was an inventor,. Most considered me strange to be being an inventor while also being and a pegasusi strange, but it was my destiny and people liked that. If there was anything wrong[implicit] Ponies came used to come to me for help but alas, no longer.Equestria is lost. She has taken it all: Nightmare mMoon.
 
Nowadays (or should iI say nowanights) iI stay alone, trying to live a normal get by in everyday life... if you can even call it that anymore.
While Alot a lot of other poniesys stay in small settlements, but iI prefer to stay alone. and that works for me.[implicit]
 
I passed cCloudsdale not too long ago although its not really in the clouds anymore. Instead, the place iI grew up in has
been embedded into the dirtground. That day i shed a tear not of liquid pride but of remorse. I Hope The People there
Got out of there. I cried the day it fell, knowing that not everypony could have made it out in time.[Revised sentence if you wish to use it as a springboard, however, I would recommend omitting this last bit entirely.]
 
Nobody Kknows what nNightmare mMoon did to cCelestia. Some believe she fell to nNightmare mMoon and others say she is imprisoned
in the sun. Revenge, iI guess,. but what we do know is that hopefully she will return and fix this. We hope she's still alive and able to eventually return to fix this mess.[Revised sentence if you wish to use it as a springboard.]
 
[implicit 'I' may or may not be appropriate. Consider how your character talks.] Ran into what's left of the dDiamond dDog gang, but before iI could say so much as anything like "dDon't Mmove," they were Cconsumed in shadow. oOf course, iI escaped via air since you don't usually see shadows flying about. so i flew up and i was fine.
 
Next, I decided to look through the ruins of cCloudsdale, maybe finds some poniesys or maybe even my family. Unfortunatleely it was devoid of life. deserted tThe streets were destroyed and the buildings... well, there waswere hardly any still standing.
 
To Mmy Ddismay, Ive had to go through the EvergreenEverfree Forest. I needed to lie low since these shadowy creatures were everywhere
in towns and villages. Its not all bad[implicit] ive stoped and rested I stopped to rest by the Tree of hHarmony with some other ponies that have been 
praying to the tree, but so far their prayers go have gone unanswered. The Nnext Mmorning, all the ponies were gone and the tree was black and cracked in half through down [Presumably vertically. If not, ignore the last revision.] the middle.
 
[It should be noted that the tree of harmony was not known about in season one, which is (presumably) around when these events are unfolding.]

 

ok thanks ill begin working on it again


Edited by Wyngaed, 26 October 2014 - 01:57 PM.



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