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#1 Doctor Charcoal

Doctor Charcoal

    Something something charcoal

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Posted 09 August 2014 - 10:52 PM

Name: Solar Star
Gender: Male
Race: Unicorn
Age: 23
Appearance: Has a full white body, blonde hair with blue streaks in them, a slightly grey lab

coat and black glasses
Cutie Mark: Has a star with an atom in the middle as a cutie mark Special Talent: His special talent is science, technology and astronomy 

Personality: Star is a hardworking stallion who enjoys the company of others. He likes doing science experiments but will always put friends and family as a higher priority.
Biography: Solar Star was born in village as an only colt. His dad, Starry Star, was the mayor/leader of the village, while his mother, Astral Star was a teacher. As a young colt, he made a lot of friends and loved testing his ideas with everyday objects. Because his parents were busy most of the time, Star had a lot of home alone time. He always stayed in his room, making new hypothesis, and testing out his ideas. After learning how to read and write he wrote down his results keeping them stored in a box. With his friends he always went hunting for a new science project to do or to learn something science-like. At times, he would even invent new items to help him. One time, he invented a handy tooth brush holder with simple parts and made more for his friends. But one time, while walking alone to avoid a loud party, Star found a weird device in a small cave near the path he walked in when he wanted peace, or wanted to think of ideas, from an ancient civilization. When he picked it up, it glowed and showed a light which showed the constellations on it. He was amazed! Star just stared at the device, and wondered what it did. Suddenly, Star felt a weird sensation on his flank. During that moment, Star had received his cutie mark, which is a star with an atom in the middle of it. 

 

Because of his discovery Solar Star took astronomy in high school. He learned about the different planets and stars and dreamed of them. While he took other classes such as biology he would always look forward for astronomy. He excelled all of his science classes, and set records in the high school along with the area as well. Star, even after years of having the device stared at it and wondered. His parents were proud, and one day, his father, Starry, sat down with him. Starry explained that there was a lot going on in the world. Star listened and waited, while his father said that there were new lands being discovered. He also asked Star if he wanted to go and colonize these new lands. Star wondered for a moment knowing that after he graduated collage, there would be nothing left for him back at home. Star accepted. Starry felt happy knowing that his only son would go on a mysterious adventure in his future. After that Starry helped his son by giving him books and lessons on science topics while Astral helped him with his school. He needed to be ready for collage and the years after. 

 

As Solar Star entered his collage years he had already memorized all of the constellations and other difficult science topics. He was famous in his village for his knowledge. He took various topics in his school, and eventually, graduated as a scientist. After that he applied for the journey, and the officials happily accepted knowing they needed a scientist. He then got ready for his departure for the new lands, and packed up all of his belongings, along with the artifact he found as a colt which he called the "Star Spotter" After saying his goodbyes Star went up to his father. Starry gave him a book explaining great scientists and other great science concepts. Star was surprised not to have read this book before but took it and left the village ready for the challenges that he would be facing in the New World.        
 

 

Other: I'm not the best at commas, but I try. I'm not the best at Language Arts. I'll let you guess what class I'm the best at HINT(Read the story)


Edited by abouya14, 10 August 2014 - 11:04 PM.


#2 Rainbow Dash McStarley

Rainbow Dash McStarley

    The glitch in the system.

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Posted 09 August 2014 - 11:02 PM

I'd like to see the bio expanded on a bit more.

Did anyone else have names?

Clean up some of the grammar, spelling, and sentence structures.



#3 Doctor Charcoal

Doctor Charcoal

    Something something charcoal

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Posted 09 August 2014 - 11:19 PM

How about now? Please give me as much feedback as possible if that is okay. 



#4 RunningWolf251

RunningWolf251

    It's so lonely 'round the fields of Athenry.

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Posted 09 August 2014 - 11:54 PM

In your first paragraph you overuse the comma a lot. I'd suggest reading through the sentences and finding the natural pauses and either putting a comma or a period. If you've used two or three commas already in a sentence and feel like it's dragging on then it's likely a good place to end that thought and continue it or start a new one in the next sentence. When in doubt you should probably use a period to end the sentence and then start the next part in its own sentence. For example: 

Because his parents were busy most of the time, Star had a lot of home alone time, where he always stayed in his room, making new hypothesis, and testing out his ideas, and, after learning how to read and write, wrote down his results, keeping them stored in a box.

This above sentence drags on and is called a run-on. To avoid this, try and separate your sentences more. Don't be afraid to use smaller sentences if you must and don't be afraid to break one down if it feels too long. If I kept the same idea as you wrote then I would write the sentence like so:

Because his parents were busy most of the time, Star had a lot of alone time at home. He mostly stayed in his room making new hypotheses, testing out his ideas and, after learning how to read and write, wrote down his results and kept them stored in a box.

It still has the pauses in there, but the sentence doesn't drag on with a bunch of extra commas creating more pauses. In other sentences you have a comma where there doesn't necessarily need to be one. If that's the case then just remove the comma and read it again to make sure it still makes sense without that extra 'pause' in there. This is more common in your second paragraph than the other two but you should still check all three for sentences like this.

 

You can find free spelling and grammar checkers online if you wanted to run it through there just to be sure. They will be able to spot most of your grammar usage trouble spots for you and then it'll be up to you to decide what to correct and what to leave as it is.

 

As for your story, it would be interesting to hear one or more of his science experiments and the results from it/them. I would also like to hear more about where and how he found this artifact since it seems fairly important to who he is as well as the significance of the book. All three are interesting parts of your character's background and could help deepen who he is for your reader.



#5 Doctor Charcoal

Doctor Charcoal

    Something something charcoal

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Posted 10 August 2014 - 01:55 AM

How about this change? Again, if I did something wrong, feel free to tell me so I can fix it



#6 greebster

greebster

    World's best mom!

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Posted 10 August 2014 - 02:17 PM

Appearance: Has a full white body with blonde hair with blue streaks in them along with a slightly grey lab

coat and black glasses
Cutie Mark: Has a star with an atom in the middle as a cutie mark Special Talent: His special talent is science and technology, along with astronomy 

You seem to have trouble with listing information. I will attempt to learn you on the art of listing commas. So, a listing comma works by chaining several items in a list together in place of the word and, as well as in some cases working as a substitute for the word or. I will now provide a random example so as to give you and idea for how it is done.

 

"Today I went to the market where I bought ham, cheese and bread."

 

Another example:

 

"You can get to work from here by walking, by bike, by train or by bus."

 

One defining replacement of the word or:

 

"Do I buy the lemon, the kiwi or the grapefruit?"

 

Try and restructure your sentences in these sections to fit appropriate listing architecture. It helps us understand the individual aspects of your character and, at the same time, not get confused by overlapping information because you have not listed it correctly. Focus on improving this and you will be ready to go.



#7 Doctor Charcoal

Doctor Charcoal

    Something something charcoal

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Posted 10 August 2014 - 11:06 PM

Alright, I fixed what I think is all of it. I appreciate the feedback but judge to your own accord. 



#8 greebster

greebster

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Posted 16 August 2014 - 02:25 PM

I am not a judge, I'm just here to help, as I have done. It is what was expected of you to pass. I am currently on holiday, so I will PM somebody to approve your passport for the server. Approved.

#9 Aoloebio

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Posted 17 August 2014 - 06:09 PM

It looks as though your passport was already added, closing this thread then...




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