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Swimchamp565's OC Creating and Critiquing shop (Revised)


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#1 Lieutenant Delta

Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 03:16 PM

Alright, so im making a new shop here. My old shop I was always busy and didnt have time to write out a essay on your OC. I will however do a couple sentence opinion on what I do think of your OC instead of doing multiple paragraphs and parts, because it was alot of work. Also a new feature I am offering is helping people create Original Characters! I seem to be fairly good with making characters, but I usually need a base to start with, so I can get started. I usually have a brain blast when I get a couple ideas. You know the drill (By The Way, if you have a OC that was skipped by me on the old post, please get it now, copy and paste it, and make a note that it was on the old post and I will get to it first)

 

 

If you want your OC critiqued,

 

Name: (I will give you my two cents on this)

Gender: (Are you a Stallion, a Mare, a Colt, or a Filly)

Race: (Anything that is canon. Please, I will critique alicorns, but I really dislike them. Only if they have a amazing back story)

Age: (Currently, you can skip this if you are posting your OC's entire life story)

Appearance: (Picture would be nice, but you can write out a description, I will do my best to say what I think of it)

Personality: (Write down what your OC's personality is, make sure you add his or her flaws, and there social, emotional, and mental status)

Back story: (This is really important. What is your OC's life story from birth? It doesn't have to go all the way until they die, just to where they are currently. This is where I will look at what you gave me and give you a honest opinion)

 

If you want to create a OC,

 

In Game Name: (That way I can know who you are)

What you are looking for: (This is what you are looking for, but only for AGE, RACE, NAME, GENDER AND APPEARANCE, NOT back story! If you don't know what you want to do for one of these categories, leave it blank, but the more you give me, the more I can work with)

Personality: (What you want your character to act like)

What you want your back story to be: (Give me a general idea of what you want this character to be)

Your Personality!: (What do you act like in real life? Sometimes the perfect OC can be based off how you act. You don't have to answer this)

 

 

 Hold on a minute. We may need to establish a few rules here. You chose to post your OC, and im going to critique it. Please do not get offended, I am only trying to help you! Also, please try to give me as much information as possible, the more I have, the more I can work with. Also, have fun, please, this is a OC here, dont start fighting in my thread and getting all upset because I dont like your OC's mane. I personally love seeing the servers OC's, and I will try my best to get to everyone. 


Edited by Swimchamp565, 20 June 2013 - 03:43 PM.


#2 Starlight of the Stars

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 04:43 PM

I got slightly bored and i thought it would be funny to hear what you have to say about him:

 

Name: Starlight (Formally: Starlight of the Stars)

Gender: Stallion

Race: Unicorn

Age: Current age is 29 years old

Appearance

Spoiler

Personality: Cold, intelligent, loyal, apathetic,

Back story: When Starlight's mother was pregnant, she was attacked by a unicorn and was struck by magic. When he was born, he became partially blind from the incident. As he grew up, he had to use his magic to compensate for his poor eyesight. This lead to the development of his magic abilities. When he became 17 years old, he was challenged by his sister as head of the household. After he lost, we was branded a failure and was forced to attend public school as punishment. After graduating at the age of 22, he enlisted in the Royal Guard military as a medical officer. After serving for 8 years, he was honorable discharged. (That is all for now.)

 



#3 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 05:09 PM

Sounds pretty good, but I see one problem. How does his cutie mark/Talent come into this?  Also, what was his mother and father like? I mean, was his mother loving and caring? (probably not) What about his childhood?



#4 Starlight of the Stars

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 05:16 PM

Sounds pretty good, but I see one problem. How does his cutie mark/Talent come into this?  Also, what was his mother and father like? I mean, was his mother loving and caring? (probably not) What about his childhood?

The cutie mark is just acts more of a family mark, not really a talent. His mother and father were very strict and were not very loving parents. They were more like discipline instructors than parents. 

 

When Starlight was a child he had a sister who was about 2 years younger than him. They got along very well together during their childhood. Even with their strict parents, they had a fun time. That changed when Starlight was announced as future head of the household. She became jealous and spend the next few years trying to discredit him. So to say the least it was nice until they became teenagers.



#5 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 05:23 PM

The cutie mark is just acts more of a family mark, not really a talent. His mother and father were very strict and were not very loving parents. They were more like discipline instructors than parents. 

 

When Starlight was a child he had a sister who was about 2 years younger than him. They got along very well together during their childhood. Even with their strict parents, they had a fun time. That changed when Starlight was announced as future head of the household. She became jealous and spend the next few years trying to discredit him. So to say the least it was nice until they became teenagers.

It isnt canon for his cutie mark not to represent a talent though. If its anything, it should be a red cross, or you can change his back story that he did have something to do with stars. 



#6 Starlight of the Stars

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 05:27 PM

It isnt canon for his cutie mark not to represent a talent though. If its anything, it should be a red cross, or you can change his back story that he did have something to do with stars. 

In that case ill say he had an interest in astrology when he was younger. He made a small living helping his father's fishing boats by acting as the star chart reader.



#7 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 05:33 PM

Yeah, that sounds good. It should also help in the military, like although he is a medic, he was able to guide himself by looking at the stars. When he is retired, he also would look up at them as a hobby. It should really be like "Although life was tense at home, Starlight would find comfort by looking up at the stars and studying them."



#8 Starlight of the Stars

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Posted 20 June 2013 - 05:38 PM

yeah that actually sounds really good. Maybe when he is older he wouldn't be such a giant ass.

 

After some time i might post the other 20 or so years after that current section of his life. if i do can you review that?


Edited by Starlight of the Stars, 20 June 2013 - 05:48 PM.


#9 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 22 June 2013 - 03:59 PM

Yeah, but anyone else?

#10 Brony4869

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Posted 30 June 2013 - 10:22 PM

Character name: Astral Aurorafortress
Age: 19
Species: Pegasus
Appearance: basically my profile picture but with Luna's Pegasus Guard armor on (minus bat wings)

Stats:
Strength= 6 (Scale: 0- Parasprite/ 10- Big Macintosh)
Speed= Land-5 Air-7 (Scale: 0- Tom the Rock/ 10-Rainbow Dash)
Intelligence= 7 (Scale: 0- Diamond Dog Soldier/ 10- Twilight Sparkle)
Courage= 7 (Scale: 0- Baby Rabbit/ 10- Applejack)
Enthusiasm= 5 (Scale: 0- Opalescence / 10 Pinkie Pie)
Cleanliness= 4 (Scale: 0- Applejack's boots/ 10- Rarity)
Sensibility= 6 (Scale: 0- Discorded Equestria/ 10- Fluttershy)

Honesty= 6
Generosity= 5
Kindness= 7
Loyalty= 10
Magic= 0
Humor= 6

Likes: Pinkie Pie’s cupcakes, Princess Luna, being a commander in Luna’s Pegasus Guards of Night, good pranks, and appropriate humor
Dislikes: Gryphons, hail, foul language, and pears
Personality: He is very loyal and will protect his friends and allies, If necessary, with his life. Princess is his top priority. He is pretty level headed. When is working he does not tend to get distracted. He loves his job and is always alert and ready. He can get serious at times but he is often not though as well.

When he and the other recruits (after passing through training and boot camp ect...) were being addressed and congratulated by Luna for joining her Pegasus Night Guard she asked for his name, cutie mark and talent, and why he joined her Guard. He had answered that he had not yet gotten his cutie mark. His reason to join was because he had always loved the night and he wanted to protect Equestria. When he expressed this self humility and desire to be helpful and to protect Equestria, she gave him a position as a commander. She hoped that his sense of responsibility and work ethic would help him find who he was.

I don’t know militaristic ranks so I just picked one that sounded alright. I would also like a bit more of a better explanation and why she might choose him for a semi-high-ranked position. I dont have a back story of anything that happened that led up to him joining the guard so I need one.



#11 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 03:12 AM

Character name: Astral Aurorafortress
Age: 19
Species: Pegasus
Appearance: basically my profile picture but with Luna's Pegasus Guard armor on (minus bat wings)

Stats:
Strength= 6 (Scale: 0- Parasprite/ 10- Big Macintosh)
Speed= Land-5 Air-7 (Scale: 0- Tom the Rock/ 10-Rainbow Dash)
Intelligence= 7 (Scale: 0- Diamond Dog Soldier/ 10- Twilight Sparkle)
Courage= 7 (Scale: 0- Baby Rabbit/ 10- Applejack)
Enthusiasm= 5 (Scale: 0- Opalescence / 10 Pinkie Pie)
Cleanliness= 4 (Scale: 0- Applejack's boots/ 10- Rarity)
Sensibility= 6 (Scale: 0- Discorded Equestria/ 10- Fluttershy)

Honesty= 6
Generosity= 5
Kindness= 7
Loyalty= 10
Magic= 0
Humor= 6

Likes: Pinkie Pie’s cupcakes, Princess Luna, being a commander in Luna’s Pegasus Guards of Night, good pranks, and appropriate humor
Dislikes: Gryphons, hail, foul language, and pears
Personality: He is very loyal and will protect his friends and allies, If necessary, with his life. Princess is his top priority. He is pretty level headed. When is working he does not tend to get distracted. He loves his job and is always alert and ready. He can get serious at times but he is often not though as well.

When he and the other recruits (after passing through training and boot camp ect...) were being addressed and congratulated by Luna for joining her Pegasus Night Guard she asked for his name, cutie mark and talent, and why he joined her Guard. He had answered that he had not yet gotten his cutie mark. His reason to join was because he had always loved the night and he wanted to protect Equestria. When he expressed this self humility and desire to be helpful and to protect Equestria, she gave him a position as a commander. She hoped that his sense of responsibility and work ethic would help him find who he was.

I don’t know militaristic ranks so I just picked one that sounded alright. I would also like a bit more of a better explanation and why she might choose him for a semi-high-ranked position. I dont have a back story of anything that happened that led up to him joining the guard so I need one.

You have to be careful. Some times, a powerful character is a bit too much. I mean, commander of the night guard is a bit OP. Also, it is hard to believe that Luna just gave him that position over talking to him. The military is all about earning your place



#12 Brony4869

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 04:05 AM

I didnt know any militaristic ranks. I have decided he is now a sergeant

Or lieutenant

#13 Coloratura

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 04:49 AM

Name: Retro Beats

Gender: Stallion

Race: Unicorn

Age: Early 20's

Appearance:

Spoiler

Personality: Wise, Just, Intelligent, Creative, and Apathetic.

Back story: ((I'm still kinda fleshing this out with every different RP.)) Retro was born and raised in Baltimare. He developed a taste for music as a colt, as Baltimare is the center for jazz and blues music. His parents noticed his excitement and bought him a small keyboard for him to experiment. One all-nighter later, he had finished his first song. This song was amazing to everyone in town. Seeing everyone's excitement, Retro's cutie mark appeared. He went to study Music Theory and Composition in Canterlot, and developed a few music based spells. Currently, Retro is studying Music Theory and Composition at the Manehatten University. ((There are tons of holes and such, but again, still fleshing it out as I learn more about him.))

 



#14 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 02:43 PM



 

Name: Retro Beats

Gender: Stallion

Race: Unicorn

Age: Early 20's

Appearance:

Spoiler

Personality: Wise, Just, Intelligent, Creative, and Apathetic.

Back story: ((I'm still kinda fleshing this out with every different RP.)) Retro was born and raised in Baltimare. He developed a taste for music as a colt, as Baltimare is the center for jazz and blues music. His parents noticed his excitement and bought him a small keyboard for him to experiment. One all-nighter later, he had finished his first song. This song was amazing to everyone in town. Seeing everyone's excitement, Retro's cutie mark appeared. He went to study Music Theory and Composition in Canterlot, and developed a few music based spells. Currently, Retro is studying Music Theory and Composition at the Manehatten University. ((There are tons of holes and such, but again, still fleshing it out as I learn more about him.))

 

 

I like the color scheme, a lot, no questions on that. His talent is fairly good, I mean sometimes I think the music talent is used a bit much, but him being good in jazz and blues is fine. I mean, if you need to, you can give me more details and I can give you a better and longer back story. Remember that its the childhood that shapes your character. So if Retro is laid back, it would be good to say in his story that his father was a really cool guy, who was a guitarist, and his mother wrote lyrics. That kinda stuff runs in the family. Kinda like how both Shining Armor and Twilight are good with magic. Most of your characters development is in their childhood, and it isnt good to skip over it. You should take time and write out his life story up to when he is 22, and this way, you will feel more confident using him in roleplays.

 

 

Also, don't forget it is YOUR character, dont let the roleplays shape your character, let your character shape the roleplays.


Edited by Swim, 01 July 2013 - 02:44 PM.


#15 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 02:54 PM

It isnt canon for his cutie mark not to represent a talent though. If its anything, it should be a red cross, or you can change his back story that he did have something to do with stars. 

I also thought about this. What I thought about is the apple family, how they all have similarities in their cutie marks. So, since this is the star family, and Starlight is good at mapping and tracking, his cutie mark can be stars, and maybe a map? His name also works out with this aswell "He uses the light of the stars to track his way?" I dont know, but maybe everyone in the stars should have a talent having to do with them. I do think however, after checking out your floating palace in the sky, that if this is the Star's canon home, it is WAYYY too over powered. I mean, it has nuclear fusion reactors in it, is floating, has planes, has multible turrets and floating islands. I mean none of that stuff is good for a OC to live in. Having a normal, fairly large mansion on the ground is though. He would have to be a billionaire to afford that, and if he was a billionaire, he would be extremely famous thoughout Equestria.



#16 Npaws

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Posted 02 July 2013 - 03:23 AM

Username: (Minecraft Username) Npawesome
Character Name: (Name of your OC) Spark Thundervolt
Species:(Earth Pony,Pegasus,Unicorn,Diamond Dogs,Griffins, Other fantasy creatures may be accepted) Pegasus
Appearance:(Can be a picture or a description, the description can be as long or as short as you want, no pressure)
Spoiler



Cutie Mark: (What your Cutie Mark looks like, you don't need this if you submit a picture with your Cutie Mark shown. Ignore this if not a Pony)
Spoiler


Talent:(What's your special talent? Can be as descriptive as you want, just try not to go over board. Ignore if not Pony) Spark has a talent with weapons. He is probably one of the most accurate with a bow in Equestria. He uses medium sized knives and not swords when he fights.

Personality:(How does your OC act? This does not have to be very detailed if you would prefer to express your OC in RP) He tends to challenge potential enemies which frequently gets him into trouble. He would do anything for a close friend in need and tends to not trust other ponies until he knows them better. Spark is usualy established as the leader even though he considers himself to be just a helper. Whenever he is in a too stressful situation, he tends to break down and not know what to do. He doesn't care much for ponies who think they are all "high and mighty".

Bio:(Give us a history of your OC. Can be as long or as short as you want. You don't have to write a novel) Spark was born and raised in Manehattn. Near CMC age, his parents got him a toy bow and they would watch him shoot it at things. His parents soon found his talent for shooting and took him to an archery competition where he placed second and got his cutie mark. Around the age of 16, Spark was taken on as an apprentice ranger by his mentor Jace. During his apprenticeship, he attended West Manehattan University, where he met a mare by the name of Electron. After a week of being with Electron at the university, Spark was pulled out due to complications in the griffon civil war that was taking place. He and Electron decided that the long distance relationships wouldn't work out and he left the university. While he was at the ranger camp in the griffon kingdoms, he reconnected with an old friend by the name of Alyss. The two quickly became more than friends. While serving, he was wounded and nearly killed in the war, but was luckily saved by a mare named Valentine. After the death scare, Jace sent Spark back to Equestria with Alyss. Spark took the opportunity to head back to the university. He soon found out that Alyss had been cheating on him with another stallion and he broke up with her.

Edited by Npoh, 02 July 2013 - 03:33 AM.


#17 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 02 July 2013 - 03:21 PM

Username: (Minecraft Username) Npawesome
Character Name: (Name of your OC) Spark Thundervolt
Species:(Earth Pony,Pegasus,Unicorn,Diamond Dogs,Griffins, Other fantasy creatures may be accepted) Pegasus
Appearance:(Can be a picture or a description, the description can be as long or as short as you want, no pressure)

Spoiler



Cutie Mark: (What your Cutie Mark looks like, you don't need this if you submit a picture with your Cutie Mark shown. Ignore this if not a Pony)
Spoiler


Talent:(What's your special talent? Can be as descriptive as you want, just try not to go over board. Ignore if not Pony) Spark has a talent with weapons. He is probably one of the most accurate with a bow in Equestria. He uses medium sized knives and not swords when he fights.

Personality:(How does your OC act? This does not have to be very detailed if you would prefer to express your OC in RP) He tends to challenge potential enemies which frequently gets him into trouble. He would do anything for a close friend in need and tends to not trust other ponies until he knows them better. Spark is usualy established as the leader even though he considers himself to be just a helper. Whenever he is in a too stressful situation, he tends to break down and not know what to do. He doesn't care much for ponies who think they are all "high and mighty".

Bio:(Give us a history of your OC. Can be as long or as short as you want. You don't have to write a novel) Spark was born and raised in Manehattn. Near CMC age, his parents got him a toy bow and they would watch him shoot it at things. His parents soon found his talent for shooting and took him to an archery competition where he placed second and got his cutie mark. Around the age of 16, Spark was taken on as an apprentice ranger by his mentor Jace. During his apprenticeship, he attended West Manehattan University, where he met a mare by the name of Electron. After a week of being with Electron at the university, Spark was pulled out due to complications in the griffon civil war that was taking place. He and Electron decided that the long distance relationships wouldn't work out and he left the university. While he was at the ranger camp in the griffon kingdoms, he reconnected with an old friend by the name of Alyss. The two quickly became more than friends. While serving, he was wounded and nearly killed in the war, but was luckily saved by a mare named Valentine. After the death scare, Jace sent Spark back to Equestria with Alyss. Spark took the opportunity to head back to the university. He soon found out that Alyss had been cheating on him with another stallion and he broke up with her.

Alright, im happy you took out the red eyes thing. You need to talk more about childhood, especially his parents. Even someone who is naturally talented in a skill needs training before they become a expert. I think he should have a lot of training before joining this competition. Also, you need to add more detail on Jace. Spark is his apprentice, and should almost be a second father to him. It is adults in a young persons life that shapes them into what they grow up into. His name, and color scheme are good, it is also great that you made him a earth pony, the fandom needs more of them.

 

Im going to tell you the same thing I told Kujoh. Both great OC's, but to tell you the truth, I dont like OC's who are created by roleplaying. Let your OC shape the roleplay, dont let the roleplay shape the OC



#18 Populuxe

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Posted 03 July 2013 - 05:36 AM

Alright, im happy you took out the red eyes thing. You need to talk more about childhood, especially his parents. Even someone who is naturally talented in a skill needs training before they become a expert. I think he should have a lot of training before joining this competition. Also, you need to add more detail on Jace. Spark is his apprentice, and should almost be a second father to him. It is adults in a young persons life that shapes them into what they grow up into. His name, and color scheme are good, it is also great that you made him a earth pony, the fandom needs more of them.

Im going to tell you the same thing I told Kujoh. Both great OC's, but to tell you the truth, I dont like OC's who are created by roleplaying. Let your OC shape the roleplay, dont let the roleplay shape the OC

He never seems to add the part about Ella...............

Edited by Diamond_Jewels, 03 July 2013 - 05:42 AM.


#19 Populuxe

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Posted 03 July 2013 - 06:04 AM

Username: Winpykid129

OC Name: Ella Rose
Gender: Female, mare, filly
Race: Earth Pony

Age: Early 20's
Appearance: (My picture by my name.) A light pink colored pony with bleach blonde curly mane and tail. Her cutie mark is a rose. Signifying beauty.
Personality: Ella is a bit of a flashy pony. She is never shy when meting somepony new and loves to be social. The mare is easily angered. Also, she can be a bit OCD.
Bio/Backstory: Ella was born in a mansion on the outskirts of Appleoosa. Her mother, Sunst Glimmer, and father, Sterling Gold, lived there. The mare's mother worked for a big fashion inusty in Canterlot. She would be gone for weeks because of photo shoots and fashion shows. While her father was a big business man.
Unfortunately, Sterling was not happy that his first born child was a filly. He wanted a strong stallion to take over the business. So, two years later they adopted a colt named Tracker. Ella was like his servant. She did everything for him and obeyed his evey whim.
Now, by CMC age her mom started drinking. At first it was on occasion, but then it was every day. Ella got panic attacks because she was afraid of her mom. All Tracker did was make fun of his sister for being a wimp. A few years later their mother drank so heavily it was unbearable. Her father packed up some bags and moved to Manehattan, well not Ella. Her brother and father left for Manehattan to run a business leaving Ella with her gay uncle in Cantelot.
At Canterlot she attended a private school where she strived to be the "popular" pony. That all changed when this mare met a stallion by the name of, Spark Thundervolt. The two were good friends and soon became inseparable. They dated all throughout grade school, middle school, and a year in high school.
In middle school, Ella got her cutie mark by giving spark a makeover(one of which he did not approve) and once she perfected the look she got it.
In high school Ella was starting to get strong feelings for Spark until thy became a little distant. Then, Ella's mother died. She was an emotional wreck and decided to break up with spark so he wouldn't have to deal with it.

After that Ella dropped out of high school to go after a career in cosmatology. Her uncle whole-heartedly approved. He got her an internship at a beauty salon and shortly after Ella got a letter from a school in Manehattan. It said that they wanted her to attend that school. Gladly she accepted and went to the college.
There, she met a mare who was a big crazy. Little did Ella know that mare would be her best friend, shoulder to cry on, and sister. A quarter into college she met a griffon named Racket. They dated and moved in together. The relationship did not work out and she went backt o the university.
Not long after she met a stallion by the name of Retro Beats. He is dating Ella currently and they love making music together.
((That's real and official. This next part is what I want to happen.))

After college Ella and Retro moved into a Manehattan penthouse. Ella got a job at a famous salon, while Retro continued a successful music career. They later had two colts. And eventually bought a house. Grew old together and blah blah.

Edited by Diamond_Jewels, 03 July 2013 - 06:06 AM.


#20 Npaws

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Posted 03 July 2013 - 06:14 AM

He never seems to add the part about Ella...............

i thought that part was in there... Hm, I'll have to edit that

#21 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 03 July 2013 - 07:00 PM

Username: Winpykid129

OC Name: Ella Rose
Gender: Female, mare, filly
Race: Earth Pony

Age: Early 20's
Appearance: (My picture by my name.) A light pink colored pony with bleach blonde curly mane and tail. Her cutie mark is a rose. Signifying beauty.
Personality: Ella is a bit of a flashy pony. She is never shy when meting somepony new and loves to be social. The mare is easily angered. Also, she can be a bit OCD.
Bio/Backstory: Ella was born in a mansion on the outskirts of Appleoosa. Her mother, Sunst Glimmer, and father, Sterling Gold, lived there. The mare's mother worked for a big fashion inusty in Canterlot. She would be gone for weeks because of photo shoots and fashion shows. While her father was a big business man.
Unfortunately, Sterling was not happy that his first born child was a filly. He wanted a strong stallion to take over the business. So, two years later they adopted a colt named Tracker. Ella was like his servant. She did everything for him and obeyed his evey whim.
Now, by CMC age her mom started drinking. At first it was on occasion, but then it was every day. Ella got panic attacks because she was afraid of her mom. All Tracker did was make fun of his sister for being a wimp. A few years later their mother drank so heavily it was unbearable. Her father packed up some bags and moved to Manehattan, well not Ella. Her brother and father left for Manehattan to run a business leaving Ella with her gay uncle in Cantelot.
At Canterlot she attended a private school where she strived to be the "popular" pony. That all changed when this mare met a stallion by the name of, Spark Thundervolt. The two were good friends and soon became inseparable. They dated all throughout grade school, middle school, and a year in high school.
In middle school, Ella got her cutie mark by giving spark a makeover(one of which he did not approve) and once she perfected the look she got it.
In high school Ella was starting to get strong feelings for Spark until thy became a little distant. Then, Ella's mother died. She was an emotional wreck and decided to break up with spark so he wouldn't have to deal with it.

After that Ella dropped out of high school to go after a career in cosmatology. Her uncle whole-heartedly approved. He got her an internship at a beauty salon and shortly after Ella got a letter from a school in Manehattan. It said that they wanted her to attend that school. Gladly she accepted and went to the college.
There, she met a mare who was a big crazy. Little did Ella know that mare would be her best friend, shoulder to cry on, and sister. A quarter into college she met a griffon named Racket. They dated and moved in together. The relationship did not work out and she went backt o the university.
Not long after she met a stallion by the name of Retro Beats. He is dating Ella currently and they love making music together.
((That's real and official. This next part is what I want to happen.))

After college Ella and Retro moved into a Manehattan penthouse. Ella got a job at a famous salon, while Retro continued a successful music career. They later had two colts. And eventually bought a house. Grew old together and blah blah.

Seems pretty good. Although I can see a few things that can be fixed....

 

 

1. Her Uncle being gay doesnt really tie into anything. Why did you mention him being gay? If it effects anything in her backstory, add it. Just like her parents, he also needs detail. Was he nice to Ella? Did he ignore her?

 

2. Maybe this was a accident, but it isnt a good idea to have Sunset Glimmer as her mother.... It sounds really close to Sunset Shimmer, at first I thought it WAS Sunset Shimmer

 

3. This is mostly my fault, but what is her talent? I know her cutie mark is a rose, but what does it have to do with make overs, and fashion?


Edited by Swim, 03 July 2013 - 07:01 PM.


#22 Npaws

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Posted 03 July 2013 - 07:04 PM

3. This is mostly my fault, but what is her talent? I know her cutie mark is a rose, but what does it have to do with make overs, and fashion?

Im just guessing here, but I think the rose is her cutie mark because roses sometimes stand for beauty.

#23 Populuxe

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Posted 03 July 2013 - 07:33 PM

Seems pretty good. Although I can see a few things that can be fixed....


1. Her Uncle being gay doesnt really tie into anything. Why did you mention him being gay? If it effects anything in her backstory, add it. Just like her parents, he also needs detail. Was he nice to Ella? Did he ignore her?

2. Maybe this was a accident, but it isnt a good idea to have Sunset Glimmer as her mother.... It sounds really close to Sunset Shimmer, at first I thought it WAS Sunset Shimmer

3. This is mostly my fault, but what is her talent? I know her cutie mark is a rose, but what does it have to do with make overs, and fashion?

For 1: Ok. It goes in with one point of her backstory I will add later.

For 2: I named her mother that before I even knew about EQG. I'll change that. Most likely her name will be Sun Glory.... Or something.

For 3: It's like Applejacks's cutie mark. In someway that I don't remember. But what Npawesome said. It symbolizes beauty.

Edited by Diamond_Jewels, 03 July 2013 - 07:33 PM.


#24 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 03 July 2013 - 07:34 PM

For 1: Ok. It goes in with one point of her backstory I will add later.

For 2: I named her mother that before I even knew about EQG. I'll change that. Most likely her name will be Sun Glory.... Or something.

For 3: It's like Applejacks's cutie mark. In someway that I don't remember. But what Npawesome said. It symbolizes beauty.

Alright, I give this OC 8/10

 

 

Npa is a schlebin, Spark is a -42/10



#25 Npaws

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Posted 03 July 2013 - 07:43 PM

Alright, I give this OC 8/10
 
 
Npa is a schlebin, Spark is a -42/10

D: nuuuuuuuu

#26 Haxorizer145

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Posted 05 July 2013 - 09:38 PM

Uuuuh. I came for advice for making a baseball player OC. I based myself in Leon Kuwata's (Google it.) Personality. But do you think will it work?

#27 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 06 July 2013 - 04:03 AM

Uuuuh. I came for advice for making a baseball player OC. I based myself in Leon Kuwata's (Google it.) Personality. But do you think will it work?

I can work on it, fill out a app, I have some great ideas



#28 Haxorizer145

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Posted 06 July 2013 - 03:43 PM

Name: Batter, or BTTR
Gender: Male
Race: Earth
Age: 23
Appearance: Has pale blue eyes. Red mane, with orange highlights. Light peach coat. Baseball bat cutie mark. Has a Tongue piercing and a goatee. And has white Baseball uniform.
Personality: hotblooded, rude, and often slacks off. That means he almost never does things, except for baseball. He isn't that social, since he is a sports nut. He's always cheery. His mental state is relaxed, laid back, and really dosen't give a flying fuck about anything.
Back story: Batter was born in the Outskirts of Manehattan. His father, Pitcher, was the one to teach him about baseball, excelling in it. When he was 7, he entered a baseball tournament, where he earned his cutie mark. Her mother, Falling Snow, died when he was 13 years old. He then moved to Trottingham, going to a junior high school where he mostly slacked off and skipped classes, he was expelled later on because of various attacks to other students. He went to another tournament and continued from there. Earning his nickname BTTR. 4 years later he got his piercing and was compiting in the Big Leaugues (or whatever you spell it.) 3 years later he retired due to some legal problems. Now he just wanders around Trottingham watching baseball games as a not very known celebrity.

I have another ending for a crime RP.

#29 petmarket24

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Posted 07 July 2013 - 03:39 AM

In Game Name: petmarket24

What you are looking for: 12, unicorn, Matilda, mare, and her appearance is: a light red coat, a dark green mane and tail with a little mix of white hinted here and there, and her eyes are a ocean blue.

Personality: Nice but her temper can get the better of her. She is very quiet when meeting somepony new but with friends she talks a bit more (Like Fluttershy but a bit louder when meeting somepony new) and she likes to sing.

What you want your back story to be: Her parents died when she was four and is adopted.

Your Personality: I am loyal and nice. I like to draw and sing. I am slow and love math and reading.



#30 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 07 July 2013 - 03:44 AM

Name: Batter, or BTTR
Gender: Male
Race: Earth
Age: 23
Appearance: Has pale blue eyes. Red mane, with orange highlights. Light peach coat. Baseball bat cutie mark. Has a Tongue piercing and a goatee. And has white Baseball uniform.
Personality: hotblooded, rude, and often slacks off. That means he almost never does things, except for baseball. He isn't that social, since he is a sports nut. He's always cheery. His mental state is relaxed, laid back, and really dosen't give a flying fuck about anything.
Back story: Batter was born in the Outskirts of Manehattan. His father, Pitcher, was the one to teach him about baseball, excelling in it. When he was 7, he entered a baseball tournament, where he earned his cutie mark. Her mother, Falling Snow, died when he was 13 years old. He then moved to Trottingham, going to a junior high school where he mostly slacked off and skipped classes, he was expelled later on because of various attacks to other students. He went to another tournament and continued from there. Earning his nickname BTTR. 4 years later he got his piercing and was compiting in the Big Leaugues (or whatever you spell it.) 3 years later he retired due to some legal problems. Now he just wanders around Trottingham watching baseball games as a not very known celebrity.

I have another ending for a crime RP.

Uh, being this is made off a real character made from professionals, its good. Other then his name, dont you think Batter and Pitcher are a bit to.... boring?



 

In Game Name: petmarket24

What you are looking for: 12, unicorn, Matilda, mare, and her appearance is: a light red coat, a dark green mane and tail with a little mix of white hinted here and there, and her eyes are a ocean blue.

Personality: Nice but her temper can get the better of her. She is very quiet when meeting somepony new but with friends she talks a bit more (Like Fluttershy but a bit louder when meeting somepony new) and she likes to sing.

What you want your back story to be: Her parents died when she was four and is adopted.

Your Personality: I am loyal and nice. I like to draw and sing. I am slow and love math and reading.

 

Are you makiing a new OC, or asking me to critique a existing OC?



#31 Haxorizer145

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Posted 07 July 2013 - 01:17 PM

I really had no ideas for the names

#32 petmarket24

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Posted 07 July 2013 - 06:23 PM

 


Are you makiing a new OC, or asking me to critique a existing OC?

I'm making a new OC. Sorry I didn't write that in.

 

 


Edited by petmarket24, 07 July 2013 - 06:23 PM.


#33 Breezeark

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Posted 12 July 2013 - 08:47 PM

Ignore this.


Edited by Breezeark, 13 July 2013 - 09:01 AM.


#34 Breezeark

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Posted 12 July 2013 - 10:04 PM

Another one. This time its because I need a better back-story.

In game name: lordofwarsdudios

Age: normal, the age the mane 6 are.

Race: Pegasus.

Name: maybe... Bolts? IDK.

Gender: female

Appearance:

Spoiler

And the CM, maybe:

Spoiler

Personality: Kind until provoked, intelligent but can be oblivious to ponies feelings, gets frustrated easily and has trouble determining the consequences of her actions. Not very good at making friends. Has a strange eye for architecture.

Back story: The only pegasus in the area, unicorn village, near to a forest. Thats all I got.

Extra info: Has a knowledge of magic and harnesses it, though not directly(like unicorns) but through delicate and clever engineering.Can't fly due to a birth defect, Builds robots (magical robots, I call them constructs because I think it sounds cool, but most people would call them Golems). She has a pet crow named Daxius, who is very loyal. She also owns a forge, and works making (and selling) tools.



#35 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 12 July 2013 - 10:06 PM

The colors are okay, they are a bit bright and a eye sore, and the blue eyes dont go with anything. You also NEED a backstory or it wont work out



#36 Breezeark

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 07:06 AM

The colours are okay, they are a bit bright and an eye sore, and the blue eyes don't go with anything. You also NEED a backstory or it wont work out

Was that responding to me? If so, It was the "create an OC" form.

What should I change about the appearance? I made them darker originally, but it didn't look right, I wanted a red and green theme, but I ditched the green in favour of the "forge orange" colour scheme. I gave her blue eyes because I have blue eyes, I always do that.

Tell me what I should do to make it better. Not what needs to be made better.


Edited by Breezeark, 13 July 2013 - 09:22 AM.


#37 Storm_Chaser

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Posted 15 July 2013 - 01:35 AM

Name: Star Frost

 

Gender: Mare

 

Race: Unicorn

 

Age: 14 (I know you said I could skip this but... what ever...)

 

Appearance: YVheevk.png

 

Personality: Shy, Star Frost has a bit of trouble makeing friends some time.

 

Back story:  Star Frost lived with her parents peacfuly in Ponyville constantly creating her own little world of imagination. Star Frost loved her parents with all her heart and always told her self she would never leave them, When Star Frost had her first day of school she was very shy and just whanted to stay at home in her room, when she came home that eveing her parents noticed Star Frost was a little unhappy which was unusawal for her. Her father asked her what happend and she said she didn't like school so her father homeschooled her. A few years later when Star Frost was 13 her mother passed away from some sort of cancer her father became an alcoholic and started to scare her. After about a week her father saw how he was effecting his daughter and coudn't bare with it so he killed him self with a straght razer right infront of Star Frost last words being "I'm sorry." A once happy and joyful life turned into a nightmare...



#38 Lieutenant Delta

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Posted 15 July 2013 - 02:01 AM

Im sorry, but a shy personality and thats it is way to common. Your backstory is also extremely dramatic, and really needs to be changed. A father that loves her daughter wouldnt commit suicide to help her, and it is not canon and dramatic. Her mother dieing from a randon cancer is a bit broad, and I think should be better explained, because cancer is a disease that can be fought, and carries on for a long time. A period of 1 year of everything going down the toilet is a bit random and really short.


Edited by Swim, 15 July 2013 - 02:01 AM.


#39 Prince Aero

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Posted 29 July 2013 - 01:50 AM

Hi! I was wondering if you can help me on how to make my OC better. I'm bringing out my Ponysona right now. 

 

https://inkbunny.net...w.php?id=450537

 

 

 

 

582703_Stryderfox_prince_aero_castle.png

 

Name: Prince Aero

 

Location: Underground Kingdom(Underworld)

 

Age: 22 (Ageless when frozen inside the crystal shard)

 

Height: 3 1/2 feet tall

 

Weight: 120 lbs.

 

Race: Bat Pony? I don't know the proper name for this race.

 

Magic Power Level: 6

 

Magic: Dark and Alchemy

 

Abilities: Creating Dark Magic and Alchemy for good, never for evil. Was pretty agile with his wings. Even when don't have a horn to do magic, he uses his wings for some other means to use magic, plus he can be very creative and resourceful.

 

Cutie Mark: His cutie mark is the Cresent moon scythe-meaning he can take somepony's souls to Elysium when they are ready to die and to the Field of Punishment when any evil ponies dies. He oversees Tartarus with the help of his royal guard.

 

Guards: Captain Django, Captain Ghost, Private Louie and Corporal Michael

 

(The rest of his guards whereabouts is currently unknown)

 

I haven't figure out on what's my backstory going to be so I might need some help. Thanks^^


Edited by Prince Aero, 29 July 2013 - 02:15 AM.


#40 Blazuhira Miller

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Posted 29 July 2013 - 10:23 AM

Hi! I was wondering if you can help me on how to make my OC better. I'm bringing out my Ponysona right now. 

 

https://inkbunny.net...w.php?id=450537

 

 

 

 

582703_Stryderfox_prince_aero_castle.png

 

Name: Prince Aero

 

Location: Underground Kingdom(Underworld)

 

Age: 22 (Ageless when frozen inside the crystal shard)

 

Height: 3 1/2 feet tall

 

Weight: 120 lbs.

 

Race: Bat Pony? I don't know the proper name for this race.

 

Magic Power Level: 6

 

Magic: Dark and Alchemy

 

Abilities: Creating Dark Magic and Alchemy for good, never for evil. Was pretty agile with his wings. Even when don't have a horn to do magic, he uses his wings for some other means to use magic, plus he can be very creative and resourceful.

 

Cutie Mark: His cutie mark is the Cresent moon scythe-meaning he can take somepony's souls to Elysium when they are ready to die and to the Field of Punishment when any evil ponies dies. He oversees Tartarus with the help of his royal guard.

 

Guards: Captain Django, Captain Ghost, Private Louie and Corporal Michael

 

(The rest of his guards whereabouts is currently unknown)

 

I haven't figure out on what's my backstory going to be so I might need some help. Thanks^^

UUUuuuuuhhhh 

 

I'm not swim, but I can say a few things on this.

 

This oc is creative, but not... very good.

 

I can elaborate on this if you want.



#41 ۞ єтєяηαℓ ԍαℓαχу ۞

۞ єтєяηαℓ ԍαℓαχу ۞

    ۞ єℓємєηт σƒ мєℓσ∂у ۞

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Posted 12 August 2013 - 07:06 AM

Could you help me with my first OC?

 

Name: Crystal Harmony

Gender: Mare

Race: Unicorn

Age: 24

Appearance: http://magicsparkmlp...10%3A1376290821 Her cutie mark is a crystal g-clef colored light blue. (Not seen)

 

Personality: Good-tempered, Kind, Caring, Confident, Humble

Backstory: Harmony was born in Trottingham, in which her mother, Diamond Locket, and her father, Harmonic Beat, reside. Her father was a singer, while her mother is a gem tycoon. Raised in a rich family, she was very humble. her family moved to Canterlot, where she met the stallion of her dreams, Astral Tune. After two years of their relationship, they got married. She now has two twin foals, Lunar Diamond and Magical Strings and now residing in Canterlot.

 

 

 



#42 Npaws

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Posted 12 August 2013 - 07:29 AM

Could you help me with my first OC?

 

Name: Crystal Harmony

Gender: Mare

Race: Unicorn

Age: 24

Appearance: http://magicsparkmlp...10%3A1376290821 Her cutie mark is a crystal g-clef colored light blue. (Not seen)

 

Personality: Good-tempered, Kind, Caring, Confident, Humble

Backstory: Harmony was born in Trottingham, in which her mother, Diamond Locket, and her father, Harmonic Beat, reside. Her father was a singer, while her mother is a gem tycoon. Raised in a rich family, she was very humble. her family moved to Canterlot, where she met the stallion of her dreams, Astral Tune. After two years of their relationship, they got married. She now has two twin foals, Lunar Diamond and Magical Strings and now residing in Canterlot.

The owner of this shop was banned, so you shouldn't post here anymore.



#43 Rulerofblocks

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Posted 14 August 2013 - 09:53 PM

This should be locked.




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