Feedback and critique are much welcomed! This is my first draft, so spelling or grammar errors may still exist. The time is while the mane six are still alive, but are retired from being the elements of harmony. They have grown up and have families. The CMC have their cutie marks are as old as the mane six are currently. And all the Princesses are still alive. Let's get on with the story!
Chapter One: Alone
Spoiler
Freezing
Artic sat quietly, listening to the joyful squeals and chatter of the ponies around her, for a second she felt a sharp twinge of loneliness at the thought of friends. Artic never had known what it was like to have a friend. She was teased and bullied for various reasons, it had started off when she was young about her name being spelled without a C after the R. She used to shrug it off and say that arctic was a type of hare and Artic was the name of a pony, but this no longer worked because she was usually teased for other reasons. Bookworm, clumsy, secluded, and most importantly, popular and influential ponies hated her, so everypony else played along. Sighing softly she pulled a book out of the clean, white saddlebags with her cutie mark, a snowflake, imprinted on the outward facing sides.
“Watcha’ reading Tic.” Artic braced herself for the storm of teasing about to be released on her.
“What do you want Lydia,” She replied calmly, “Elemental, by Twilight Sparkle if you must know.”
“Well do you mind if I could……” Lydia Coalmine held up her hooves, “BORROW IT!” She snatched the book with a shout, Artic realizing what she was doing a moment too late.
“Oh yes, you may Lydia. It is a very good novel.” The pegasus looked at her for a moment before walking off and throwing the book behind her with a smirk.
“I don’t need your bucking literature.” She sauntered off being joined by Nile and Tessa. Artic rolled her eyes, Nile Myth and Tessa La’Coile where the stereotypical shadows. They were both strong and stupid. Artic caught the book with her unicorn magic right before it right before it hit a water spill on the carpet. She took a quick glance out the window, the smallest flakes of snow were beginning to descend from the sky. They were nearing the Crystal Empire, she already felt more comfortable from the cold, crisp wintry air. She lay down and returned to her book, a few lines caught her eye.
“Friendship is not something that some ponies have more of; some ponies just show it more. Doubting your friends, even if you do not realize they are there, is something that you should not put them through. No matter if you are the awkward one in the corner or the popular social butterfly, you always have friends and your friends always have you” Artic slammed the book shut, she saw something in the next lines that were meant for her eyes only. She wished it were for somepony else’s eyes.
Chapter 2: DelayedI have way too much spare time
Spoiler
It was well into the night now, and she was the only one awake in the whole sleeper car. She was reading under the blankets with the small glow of her horn illuminating the pages of her book. This book was not Elemental, that book was lying at the bottom of her saddlebags wrapped in parchment. This was a magic book. She was searching for the Your Eyes Only spell, after what seemed like hours she threw the book down and tossed the sheets over her body. It seemed like only seconds before…. BAM! All the ponies on the train jerked awake, the familiar moving sensation of the train was gone and everything was silent. Too silent for Artic’s liking, she stepped sleepily out of bed. She took a step and walked smack into Tessa La’Coile. Lighting her horn quickly with a frosty whitish blue glow, she saw the copper coated earth pony rubbing her head just under her messy silver mane.
“Hey! What’s yo problem Tic!” She put stress on that last word. Tic wasn’t exactly an affectionate nickname, more of an insult. Artic shied away as Lydia and Nile appeared.
“Hey, stoppit!” Nile exclaimed loudly with the tone of voice that made her seem like the victim,“Artic stop bullying our friend!”
“Yeah stop bullying me” Tessa brought fake tears to her eyes. Whispering Breeze, a teacher, came down from her bed.
“Artic Mirage!” Ms. Breeze glared down at her with a disappointed look, ”I expect more from you. This is something we do NOT tolerate in Galloping Gardens Junior High. I want to see you after school when we get back from the field trip”
“That might be awhile.” The conductor, Mr. Ember, stood in the doorway scratching his head thoughtfully.
“Well why is that, spit it out!” Ms. Breeze was obviously very upset about something, she usually wasn’t this harsh. Ms. Breeze was the Magical Sciences teacher, so she only knew Nile, the other unicorn standing in front of her. Nile was usually very mild-mannered without the backup and support of her friends. She could hand it to them; Lydia’s clique wasn’t a very racially separated group.
“Well the screws on one of the wheels was loose so, Pop! It came off, some pegasi are following the train tracks to send word to Princess Cadence about the incident. They should return with help in about 2 days, we have an old chalkboard in the back, you could do a class back there?”
“Do you have a full 20 set of up-to-date text books?!? Do you have 20 desks?!? Do you have 60 notebooks of the right colors and 40 good quills?!? Well do you, Mr. Ember!” Ms. Breeze must have been seriously ticked off, Changelings were usually nicer than that to their students!
Looks like they’d be stuck there for a while.
Chapter 3: Flames
Spoiler
Artic lay on her bed, throwing a magic ball at the wall that bounced right back like it had springs on it and the wall was a trampoline. After doing this for what felt like a thousand times she rolled over and promptly landed on her flank.
Lydia, Nile, and Tessa who were playing a card game giggled hysterically and a pegasus mare nearby chuckled lightly. After a little while what felt like the whole car was hooting with laughter. All except one filly, Twinkleshy was watching with a quiet sympathy. This wasn’t surprising, Twinkleshy was the daughter of the element of Kindness and therefore had Fluttershy’s caring personality. Artic’s left hoof began to twitch angrily, but she knew she couldn’t afford an outburst now. Ms. Breeze would have her skin if she were to get in trouble now.
Her teachers usually didn’t like Artic, the fourteen year-old filly had her cutie mark and could do simple magic. The magic part wasn’t common in unicorns her age, they usually got their magice of the occupamwing in the trainive. On theed the pages of her books magically, and she just recognized the signs better when they reached the age of sixteen. Even her Magical Science classes were places she couldn’t use magic, even though she did all the time which was usually what landed her in trouble. Her teachers told her that it wasn’t respectful to the other students. She had gotten her magic early when she had been craving a piece of cake at Twinkleshy’s birthday party and her frosty white glow had come, no hooves.
Artic had a special gift, all ponies had a gift. This was different from their talents, their talents are what ponies do, their gift is something on the side that is usually related to their talent. For example, Fluttershy is good with animals, and her gift is being kind. Artic’s talent was her ability to use cold weather to her advantage, but her gift was to know the people around her. She could feel them, what they were feeling what they felt of others. All ponies could do this but she just recognized the signs better than other ponies. She couldn’t bring out the best in ponies she only could see what they felt then and there, not five seconds ago.
The rest of the two days were pretty uneventful, she argued with Lydia and her buddies, she flipped the pages of her books magically, and she waited for help to arrive. But tensions were growing in the train, none of the occupants seemed to like each other. Even ponies going vacationing together were arguing fiercely. This didn’t really affect Artic much, she didn’t have any friends to turn on her. And she had figured out a way to escape Lydia’s gang, she hid in the luggage car behind a huge clump of bags owned by some fashionista pony.
On the fourth night they were all asleep and whenl the conductor woke them up, they knew it was trouble. There was a fire in the boiler room and it was quickly spreading. Tessa immediately started screeching like a banshee and probably bursted about everypony on the train’s eardrums, twice.
“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEEEE RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW. I’M NEVER GONNA MEET MY TRUE LOVE. IT’S ALL OVVVVVEEEEERRRRR!” She started sobbing loudly, and rather dramatically. But Twinkleshy came to the rescue, she put her hoof on Tessa’s shoulder and comfortably spoke to her. Her voice was smooth and melodical.
“It’s okay, we just have to get our saddlebags and exit the train. Nothing is going to burn you to a crisp.” With that Tessa stood up and regained her composure. She tossed back her head, clearing her face of her shocking silver hair
“Yeah I totally knew that.” Twinkle smiled and rolled her eyes.
Looks like it was getting cold in our life.
Chapter 4: A new friend
Spoiler
Artic panted as sweat rolled down from her sandy yellow mane, down across her cheek, and dripping off her chin. She felt as if the weight of the bags was pressing down on her horn, and not the air. Grunting from the weight of her burden. Next to Artic was the orange pegasus of whom the bags belonged to. He seemed to be only a couple of years older than the unicorn. Every other second he would flash her a quick guilty glance. Every time he turned his back to the mare she became furious that SHE had to carry HIS load. But every time she looked into his deep emerald eyes that reflected and her own of the same color, any complaints vanished. He just seemed so sad about something.
When they finally reached the train’s exit the conductor ushered them to a spot a safe distance away from the train. Some ponies had already lit campfires that the passengers were huddled around for warmth like kittens huddle around their mother for milk. Artic sat down at the very edge of the group and stared off into the distance. The orange pegasus plopped down next to her and tilted his head curiously.
“You aren’t bothered by the cold?” The colt shook his head and pushed her gently on the shoulder. The message was clear.
“Oh I’m fine, just pondering something I read in a book.” She waved her hoof at him dismissively pulling an apple out of my saddlebags and took a bite. He began to run his hoof through the snow, making lines that turned into letters, making that letters that turned into words, making words that turned into sentences. When he was done he nudged her again lightly, she read the words aloud.
“’You know, sometimes it helps not to dwell on our sorrows. Sometimes, when we don’t want to dwell, we should let it out of our minds through our mouths.’” She read, “Wow you are quite the poet.” The colt smiled proudly, pointing at his chest in an ‘Eeyup!’ gesture.
“Uh what’s your name?” Artic wasn’t used to being in conversations, especially with an apparently mute pony. He began to draw letters in the snow, S K E T C H Y.
“Sketchy?” The pegasus nodded. “That’s an errrrrr nice name.” Artic still felt uncomfortable around another pony. They sat in an awkward silence for what felt like hours but were really seconds. Thankfully the conductor called for everypony’s attention, he began a short speech.
“The train’s combustion was an unfortunate event, we barely were able to get everyone out alive and uninjured,” he hung his head, “But I’m afraid the worst isn’t behind us ponies, Equestrian north is a harsh and cruel landscape filled with barbarians and treacherous terrain.” At that most of the ponies gasped. “But we are strong, we will survive, we will make it to the Crystal Empire!” Cheers flew up from the ponies
Little did he know how wrong he was.
Chapter Five= Like 3 pages!
Ok so I'll start adding OCs fill out the following form
Name
Gender (Stallion, Mare)
Race (Pegasus, Earth Pony, Unicorn, and I need 5 griffons at the most I don't want big eagle-lions everywhere in a fic centered off ponies)
Age (No foals under 10)
Appearance (Picture or a good description)
Cutie Mark/ Talent (What your cutie mark is and what it represents)
Bio (A paragraph explaining your OC's history)
Misc (Anything else about your OC)
Example:
Name: Artic Mirage
Gender: Mare
Race: Unicorn
Age: 14
Appearance:
Spoiler
Talent: Her snowflake stands for her resistance to the cold being greater than most ponies and she is a fast learner at cold weather spells
Bio: Artic was born in the city of Fillydalphia, she was always the one picked last for sports although she was an acceptable athlete. She just was always left out of the group, but she doesn't know why. She entered Galloping Gardens Junior High and met a new set of tormentors, Lydia Coalmine's group. She was a fan of the wonderbolts and watched them often. Her teaches usually don't like her for unknown reasons and she always ends up in detention even when she did nothing wrong. The only pony who doesn't downright hate her is Twinkleshy, daughter of the element of Kindness. She hopped on a train for a school field trip one day and didn't know this would change her entire life.
Misc: Artic is often picked on by her peers and doesn't really seem to fit in to any group, but she is strong, determined, and shares something bordering on an acquaintanceship and a friendship with Twinkleshy
Edited by Arthur the Stone, 18 February 2013 - 03:36 PM.
I can't wait to read more of this. You set up the story perfectly, I can sense who that characters are in all the scenes. Just, need a bit more description of Artic.
Name: Sketchy
Race: Pegasi
Age: 16
Description: Orange coat with blue and green mane, derpy style, emerald eyes, and white hooves.
Sidenote: He is mute, he communicates through paper.
Gender: Stallion
Cutie Mark: a brush and pencil in a cross, meaning he is good at drawing.
Hopes this makes it.
Edited by Haxorizer 1.4, 17 February 2013 - 05:48 PM.
Name: Sketchy
Race: Pegasi
Age: 16
Description: Orange coat with blue and green mane, derpy style, emerald eyes, and white hooves.
Sidenote: He is mute, he communicates through paper.
Hopes this makes it.
Yeah I like this! I'll set up the OC form in the first post now. Just add about his cutie mark and it's accepted
Edited by Arthur the Stone, 17 February 2013 - 03:27 PM.
Cutie Mark/ Talent: A darkened thundercloud with blue lightning sparks coming from inside it.
Misc (Anything else about your OC): He was a royal guard of Celestia when he was banished to the outskirts of Equestria. All he wants to do is get back to his normal life and stop being followed by the main six.
Cutie Mark/ Talent: No Cutie Mark however he can start flying and go from 0 mph to 73 mph in 6.3 seconds.
Misc (Anything else about your OC): He was a royal guard of Celestia when he was banished to the outskirts of Equestria. All he wants to do is get back to his normal life and stop being followed by the main six.
This OC isn't very canon, his appearance mostly and a 32 year old stallion with no cutie mark? I have good use for his royal guard history and banishment but he needs alot of work before I can put him into the storyline
This OC isn't very canon, his appearance mostly and a 32 year old stallion with no cutie mark? I have good use for his royal guard history and banishment but he needs alot of work before I can put him into the storyline
[Edited character form]
What do you need added/changed for this OC? Let me know and I'll see what I can do.
Race (Pegasus, Earth Pony, Unicorn, and I need 5 griffons at the most I don't want big eagle-lions everywhere in a fic centered off ponies) Pegasus
Age (No foals under 10) 15
Appearance (Picture or a good description)
Spoiler
Cutie Mark/ Talent (What your cutie mark is and what it represents) His cutie mark is a lighning bolt. It represents how agile and nimble he is.
Misc (Anything else about your OC) Spark's parents died when he was too young to remember. Whenever he thinks about them he starts to cry. He has lived all his life alone, scavenging what he could and stealing anything he needed. He was finally released from Manehattan prison a mnth ago for attempted robbery.
Very well done indeed! I like the consistent progression and the narrative is as immersive as I could want!
Only nitpick would be the reason Arctic was being bullied. I'm not sure myself, but being bullied for a letter difference in your name never really made much sense to me. Maybe you could say the name was the beginning and the catalyst, but the ponies just latched onto the idea that she was the victim and thus bully her.
I'm not trying to write your fic, for you, lord no, I'm just saying a slightly more detailed version of the backstory would make for a lot more immersion in the storytelling, you already have the rest of it down pat; the paragraphs, characters, descriptions and pacing all work very nicely together!
Cutie Mark/ Talent- Virelen's cutie mark is a book and a quill, as she is very good in reading and writing.
Bio- Virelen is a simple pony who was born in a small neighborhood near Las Pegasus. Her parents owned the local library, which is where she found her special talent. She heard of Twilight Sparkle and considers her her idol. She works as a helper in her parent's library.
Misc- She is very shy and reluctant to speak to others. However, she is quite easy to manipulate into doing things for others.
Very well done indeed! I like the consistent progression and the narrative is as immersive as I could want!
Only nitpick would be the reason Arctic was being bullied. I'm not sure myself, but being bullied for a letter difference in your name never really made much sense to me. Maybe you could say the name was the beginning and the catalyst, but the ponies just latched onto the idea that she was the victim and thus bully her.
I'm not trying to write your fic, for you, lord no, I'm just saying a slightly more detailed version of the backstory would make for a lot more immersion in the storytelling, you already have the rest of it down pat; the paragraphs, characters, descriptions and pacing all work very nicely together!
Yeah I realized that pretty soon after I finished the third chapter, gonna change it with the fourth chapter
Name- Virelen
Gender- Mare
Race- Unicorn
Age- 16
Appearance-
Cutie Mark/ Talent- Virelen's cutie mark is a book and a quill, as she is very good in reading and writing.
Bio- Virelen is a simple pony who was born in a small neighborhood near Las Pegasus. Her parents owned the local library, which is where she found her special talent. She heard of Twilight Sparkle and considers her her idol. She works as a helper in her parent's library.
Misc- She is very shy and reluctant to speak to others. However, she is quite easy to manipulate into doing things for others.
Good progression so far and don't stress yourself with writing or putting in certain OC's. You can put mine aside if he doesn't fit in the story for a while. Won't hurt my feelings