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Blank Flanks (Based off RP, criticism helpful)


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#1 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 20 February 2013 - 05:47 AM

Well, hey all! Star here, trying something a little bit new. A few of you know this already, but I have a forum RP under the title "Blank Flanks". So, I decided to make it into a fan fiction, because why... why not? Ya know? My only problem with that is that I'm a pretty amateur writer. Okay, really amateur. So far, I've only got a prologue. Any criticism given I will take into consideration, because I want to make this the best I possibly can! I only wrote the prologue because I wanted to see what you folks here at Brohoof think of my writing ability. Because I want the fic to be good.

... I'm just going to shut up and actually post the pages now.

 

PROLOGUE

Spoiler

 

Just... don't be harsh? Again, amateur...


Edited by stardragon, 21 February 2013 - 12:24 AM.


#2 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 20 February 2013 - 05:56 AM

It's great, except for one thing: Wall of text! try and put at least a line of space between each new paragraph, it literally read the same line three times! Go for a new paragraph whenever you go off on a tangent.

 

Other than that, this is really good, I love your descriptive writing and ability to emote the characters, with some smal fixes this could become a really memorable fic!



#3 catopia26

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Posted 20 February 2013 - 06:13 AM

It looks great! But may I suggest you switch from discord to your main character every chapter or so? It would make it so you could see the point of view of the ponies and then Discord's view. I'm excited to read it!^_^



#4 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 20 February 2013 - 06:16 AM

Don't worry, cato, I've got quite a few ideas :D

 

And thank you, Royal, I'll try to make that look a little more appealing. In the morning. Right now I need sleep. And I hope I don't sound stupid when I say this: what's a tangent?



#5 High Orbit

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Posted 20 February 2013 - 06:19 AM

It's a different perspective or when something changes in the storyline, or right before something happens, like an explosion, to add a pause in the story. Kinda like taking a breath before reading on, for me.



#6 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 20 February 2013 - 06:20 AM

Thank you, Orbit. Again, in the morning.

 

Good night to you all.



#7 greebster

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Posted 20 February 2013 - 06:46 AM

Fantastic descriptive language! Just paragraph :)

#8 Haxorizer145

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Posted 20 February 2013 - 11:31 PM

Could Spell be one point of view?

Edited by Haxorizer 1.4, 20 February 2013 - 11:32 PM.


#9 Night_Breeze

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Posted 20 February 2013 - 11:51 PM

I agree with Royal, it's good- just needs to be broken up a bit.  Seeing a text block of that size is intimidating and makes you think twice about reading it...



#10 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 23 February 2013 - 12:10 AM

Someone please tell me to get a move on and start writing chapter 1. I'm such a procrastinator...



#11 Haxorizer145

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Posted 23 February 2013 - 12:17 AM

Start chapter 1, also, the story will be based on posts?

#12 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 23 February 2013 - 12:29 AM

For the most part, yes, but I will have to add a few things to make this a good story.

 

Chapter one won't introduce any of the OCs yet. It'll introduce the problem.

Royal, out of curiosity, are you going to be getting back into this rp?



#13 Haxorizer145

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Posted 23 February 2013 - 12:36 AM

For the most part, yes, but I will have to add a few things to make this a good story.
 
Chapter one won't introduce any of the OCs yet. It'll introduce the problem.
Royal, out of curiosity, are you going to be getting back into this rp?


So, chapter 2 will introduce Spell, Paint, Roon, Quill, and Iron?

#14 Hieros Godhead

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Posted 23 February 2013 - 09:12 AM

For the most part, yes, but I will have to add a few things to make this a good story.

 

Chapter one won't introduce any of the OCs yet. It'll introduce the problem.

Royal, out of curiosity, are you going to be getting back into this rp?

...

 

I'll try tonight if I find the time.  I'll definitely try.



#15 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 23 February 2013 - 06:13 PM

So, chapter 2 will introduce Spell, Paint, Roon, Quill, and Iron?

Correct! Well, actually I'm not sure about Roon. She hasn't been in the RP for a long while, and I'm hoping to not just add characters that are gonna disappear later. One of the reasons I asked you that, Royal. I hope you can!



#16 catopia26

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Posted 25 February 2013 - 02:27 AM

I actually like having my OC's come in late. Could I get a rough estimate of how many chapters it will take for them to come in though?



#17 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 25 February 2013 - 02:44 AM

Hmm... I'd say that Sleepy may come in in chapter 3-5... believe me, the chapters I write are hopefully gonna be three times as long as the prologue I have. One of my big pet peeves when it comes to reading is short chapters.



#18 Haxorizer145

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Posted 26 February 2013 - 11:11 PM

How's chapter one going?

#19 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 26 February 2013 - 11:14 PM

Okay, but it could take a while. Like I said, I'm hoping it'll be three times as long as the prologue.



#20 Haxorizer145

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 02:29 AM

Ummm, you have a proscrination thing there.

#21 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 02:31 AM

Yep. It's a really bad habit of mine.

 

But I PROMISE you, I'll work on it tonight! If I don't, you can slap me.



#22 catopia26

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 03:07 AM

If you truly are having trouble, I could help you write when you get stuck. I know my way around a fanfiction.


Edited by catopia26, 06 March 2013 - 03:07 AM.


#23 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 04:41 AM

Naw, my only trouble is really bad procrastination. I've got plenty of ideas.

 

I'll go work on it right now. The Title of the chapter is Dawnset.


Edited by stardragon, 06 March 2013 - 04:48 AM.


#24 catopia26

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 05:23 AM

XD awesome!



#25 greebster

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 07:41 AM

Naw, my only trouble is really bad procrastination. I've got plenty of ideas.
 
I'll go work on it right now. The Title of the chapter is Dawnset.


This.

#26 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 06 March 2013 - 02:11 PM

You can't slap me. I got a few paragraphs done. :P

 

EDIT: Shameless advertisement FTW http://asknightingal...eze.tumblr.com/


Edited by stardragon, 06 March 2013 - 02:39 PM.


#27 Haxorizer145

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Posted 19 March 2013 - 01:14 AM

Hallo? You still there?

#28 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 19 March 2013 - 04:28 AM

Yep, still here. It's coming along... I think what I'll do is post little updates maybe once every day or two. That way I can't slack off.



#29 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 23 March 2013 - 06:08 AM

Update! Yes, I have gotten a pretty good chunk of chapter one done tonight!

And now that I'm on spring break, I'll have tons of time to work on it.



#30 Haxorizer145

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Posted 24 March 2013 - 02:16 AM

YYYYYAAAAAYYY!

#31 Haxorizer145

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Posted 06 May 2013 - 01:32 AM

*Cough* Bump *Cough*

#32 Quoth the Raven

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Posted 06 May 2013 - 01:38 AM

Yep... I need to get on this. I just don't have the drive right now, and a forced story isn't as good as one thought out... When things start to slow down around me 'cause of end of school, I'll be writing it.




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