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#1 dougalcraft

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Posted 06 September 2014 - 03:12 AM

Name: Skylar (Nickname: Sky)

 

Gender: Mare

 

Race: Pegasus

 

Age: 17

 

Appearance: Very pale blue coat, purple and orange mane/tail, purple eyes.

 

Cutie Mark: Rolled up map with red ribbon tied around it. Her talent is being an explorer. People have heard how good she is at

discovering new places that they have followed her and then claimed the area before Skylar could, which makes her very angry and upset. She earned her cutie mark at the age of 12.

 

Personality: She is socially awkward and shy. Whenever she tried talking to somepony she started to panic because she fears that if she muddles up her words or tells a horrible joke, which she thinks Is funny, the other ponies could laugh at her or want to avoid her.  but she can be very brave when it comes to standing up to a poor, innocent creature or just going on an adventure. She is also very smart.

 

Biography: Skylar grew up in a small village with her mother, Ace Bloom. Her father had abandoned them when Skylar was only 3. One day, when Skylar was 8, her mother was busy cleaning up the house until Skylar heard screaming from outside. She rushed to the door and quickly opened it. She started crying, she saw fire burning everywhere. She slowly backed away from the door as the flames began to spread, getting closer to the house. Skylar was crying as she ran up to her mother, Ace Bloom wiped the tears off her face and they both ran out the back door. Ace Bloom put Skylar onto her back and quickly flew away, it seemed that only Skylar and Ace Bloom were able to successfully escape. They finally arrived at ponyville and met up with Skylar's cousin, Lucky Spring and Lucky Spring's mother, Wishful Spell. At the age of 12 Skylar got her cutie mark for being the first to find the ruins of her old village. When she was 13 she moved out of the house and went to live with Ace Bloom in a different house, she has lived there ever since. Once she became 14 she started thinking about what she should do next, since she was poor the only thing she could think of doing was to get a job. She started to write a few books but only one got published and it didn't get bought by many ponies. She became a waitress at a restaurant but always seemed to get the orders wrong but she knew that this was the only job that was going to work for her, besides, she hadn't gotten fired so the mistakes she had made mustn't have been as bad as she thought. A few months later she decided to stop working there, some customers had complained about her. A few weeks after she had quit, she thought about writing books again. But this time she wrote it about her life, the challenges she faced, the adventures she went on and what it felt like to not have a father. She won an award for having the 3rd best series of the year.

 

Other: She is very scared of fire because of the past, she loves reading and she doesn't have any friends other than her mother and Lucky Spring.


Edited by dougalcraft, 15 September 2014 - 03:08 AM.


#2 Rainbow Dash McStarley

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Posted 06 September 2014 - 03:50 AM

Your biography is rather brief. Please expand upon it; around 3 paragraphs.



#3 dougalcraft

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Posted 07 September 2014 - 12:06 AM

I edited it a bit, is it ok?



#4 greebster

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Posted 11 September 2014 - 10:28 AM

Just some information to help you out somewhat. Your writing style appears to be a mix of formal and informal, which can often be frowned upon. Usually writers try to avoid mixing the styles of writing together. In this case I refer to your informal contraction of words, for example "didn't" and "hadn't", where the rest of your descriptive language has shown full words and formal writing. For this circumstance, I doubt it really matters, so I will just let you know and inform you that it does not affect your application at all; it is merely an observation that I thought to make it less transparent.

 

Provide us with more of an insight into your character's personality. Talk about her emotional demeanour if you like, and why she can be so socially awkward and shy. A lot of people reflect their character's personalities on their own, so the reasons for their character could often relate to their past. So refer to the past and how it affects her at present if it helps at all. Just fill us in on your character; make that personality section look just a little bit bigger.

 

As with the rest of your application, you really need to put more effort into breaking apart that wall of text in your bio. A paragraph is the unity of sentences sharing the same coherent idea. From the sentence of your character growing up in a village to the sentence of her fleeing the village. That all forms one coherent paragraph. The idea is that her home that she lived in was burned down, forcing her to flee from the danger, and that in itself will make a good enough paragraph on its own. It is not a confusion of subjects and it will keep the reader interested. The second paragraph could easily focus on the change that come over your character's life, from the moment she rediscovered her village after moving to Ponyville, to the point where she decided to quit her job. Then you could focus more on one final paragraph, where your character writes her autobiography. This final paragraph does not have to be huge, but elaborate on it some more because you need to put into perspective what we are looking for in your application. Creativity, grammar, spelling. You have plenty of everything, but to add some more detail really does seal the deal. So, just some more detail in your biography and we will be there, I think.




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