[PARTY.MOV] Spike: Bor-ing! What else is on? [static] Narrator: Pinkamena Diane Pie was the first true celebutante of the pony world. Over the course of her life, the limelight she experienced broadcasted her most intimate moments to a sensationalist public, and the world watched as she transformed from an innocent pop icon loved by millions into a disastrous cautionary example about the dangers of an insatiable addiction to partying. [buzzing, title screen for "True Equestria Story"] Narrator: Pinkie Pie's downward spiral began in 2009, on her twenty-first birthday. Lyra and Bon Bon [in background]: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Pinkie Pie: [gulping, puking] Narrator: With new found freedom and her inhibitions entirely abandoned, she was left to explore a frightening nightclub world without a single notion of moderation. [zooming, snapshots] Pinkie Pie: [mumbling slowly] No, don't shoot my pretty pink princess... Narrator: Wherever the party took her, the paparazzi shadowed her relentlessly, eager to document her tragic over-indulgence. Pinkie Pie: [mumbling] I think I'm getting my period... [spraying sounds] Narrator: After a brief fling with Alice & Chains guitarist Jerry Cantrell in 2010, Pinkie Pie's partying escalated from drinking to heavy drug use. Spike: She started chasing that purple dragon. Not me, 'cause I'm a purple dragon, but I mean, like, heroin. Oh, it's a metaphor, look it up, you have the Internet! But I mean, come on, everyone knows drugs are dangerous. [Spike lights and smokes bong] Spike: [cough] [constricted] This isn't a drug! [snort] Narrator: Pinkie's experimentation with cocaine also took its toll. [twitching and tapping sound effects, birds that progressively grow louder] Pinkie Pie: [shouting, speaking quickly] You know what I can't stand? Internet piracy! How would you like it if musicians stole from you? What if Cannibal Corpse stole your precious glasses? And you! What would you do if Ringo Starr waltzed into your house, and stole your... uh, favorite dress! Octavia: I think I'd mostly just be confused? Narrator: In 2011, the scandal reached its peak, when explicit footage leaked onto the Internet, featuring Pinkie performing sex acts on a currently unidentified partner. [sucking and slurping noises in background] Pinkie Pie: Yeah, that feel good, baby? Big Macintosh: Eeeyup! Narrator: The tabloids were merciless. Spike: Oh, she'd fuck anyone. Chicks, dudes, didn't matter. Fat guys, skinny guys, guys who climb on rocks, dogs, cats, squirrels, bugs, snails. She fucked a snail! I watched her fuck a snail once. That sounds weird, right, just hearing me say it? Imagine how weird it was to see it. She fucked a snail! Narrator: As the partying continued to become more extreme, Pinkie became belligerent, and lashed out at her friends; on several occasions, calling them in the wee hours of the morning. Pinkie Pie: [in background] Spiiiiiiiiiiike... Spike: [in background] What? Pinkie Pie: [in background] Spiiiiiiiiiiike... Spike: [in background] What? Pinkie Pie: [in background] Spiiiiiiiiiiike... Spike: What? Pinkie Pie: Spiiiiiiiiiiike... Spike: What? Who is this? Pinkie Pie: It's Pinkiiiiiiieeeee Spike: [annoyed] What do you want? Pinkie Pie: [noticeably slurring] I always thought you were cute. Come over and fuck me. Spike: I think I'd rather stick my dick in an anthill. Pinkie Pie: I want you... to get some beer... get some Oxycontin... come to my house... Spike: Let me stop you right there because I'm not going to do any of this. It's 3 AM. Pinkie Pie: Come on Spikey, I thought we was friends. Spike: Well, no offense friend, but I hope you're buried alive. Pinkie Pie: [grunt] Hang on... there's this stupid bitch staring at me... [silence] Oh wait, that's me, I'm lookin' in a mirror. [silence] ...Hang on, I gotta go talk to this mirror, I'll call you back, Spike. [hanging up sound effect, dial tone] Spike: AM I THE ONLY SANE ONE IN THIS CRAZY WORLD OF TECHNICOLOR PONY WEIRDOS? Twilight Sparkle: I thought it might motivate Pinkie to get straightened out if we got a bunch of her friends together and sat her down. Not because I care about her, but, y'know... Elements of Harmony. Narrator: And so Twilight set her plan into action. Pinkie Pie: [shoves] [slurring] Don't touch me, motherfucker. Bon Bon: I'm texting my dog. Twilight Sparkle: What kind of turnout is this?! [whispering] Spike, this is supposed to be an intervention! Where is everypony? Spike: Applejack's in a coma, Rarity's being held captive by Mexicans, Fluttershy's in the nuthouse, and Rainbow Dash is dead. Anymore questions, smart-ass? Pinkie Pie: [vomiting] Spike: [sigh] I knew I should've stayed in bed today. [canned laugh track] Twilight Sparkle: Pinkie Pie, you need help. You're addicted to parties! Pinkie Pie: Shut up, you're just jealous 'cause boys think I'm prettier than you! You have a big horse face! Twilight Sparkle: No I don't! [whinnies] Pinkie Pie: You guys aren't my friends. My only friend is 40 oz of 190 proof straight vodka. [chugging] Spike: That's im-possible. Fuck, me, Pinkie, you are amazing! Pinkie Pie: [groan] I think I'm having my period. [spraying sounds] Spike: Oh dear god it GOT IN MY MOUTH! You got any more fluids you wanna spray on me, you stupid cunt? Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, this could've gone better. Lyra: It's twins, in case anyone's gonna ask. Lyra: I'm gonna name 'em Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Narrator: In a PR attempt to be perceived as more of a victim of circumstance, Pinkie released an autobiography entitled, "My Daddy Made Me Put Glass In My Vagina", describing in great detail her relationship with her father, the Reverend Peter Daniel Pie. Peter Pie: Don't believe a word this book says. I didn't insert glass into my daughter's genitals, ok? I didn't force her to eat her own hair. I did not hit her over the head with a Sega Dreamcast in a fit of drunken hysteria. And I did not lock her in the basement and blast "Blood on the Dance Floor" for seventeen hours straight, when she refused to say the Lord's Prayer. What is that, a band? I don't even know! Pinkie Pie: Yes, I lied about my father. But I had a good reason! Nobody was paying any attention to me. Narrator: Pinkie Pie's story is a tragic tale of how fame, money, and indulgence can bastardize any of us. If something as pure and adorable as a fluffy pink pony can be tempted into a sinful life of self-destruction, none of us are safe. After an arrest for attempting to shoplift large quantities of ammonia and pseudo-ephedrine in April of 2012, Pinkie is currently once again undergoing rehabilitation, and her future is uncertain. Man: You might ask yourself why things like this can happen. Are we, the public, to blame? Is it our sadistic lust for watching these giants fall and crumble, that pressures them into their ultimate downfall? And finally, why do we, as the media, choose to report all of this to you? The answer is simple: because there is not a single thing happening in this world right now that's more important than the personal lives of celebrities. [sounds of the city being destroyed, lasers firing] Man: Pinkie Pie has brought smiles and joy to so many ponies throughout the years. With how exhausting it can be to bring happiness to others, perhaps it's no surprise that she seeks parties as an escape from her stressful life. Regardless of it all, one thing is certain: we should all be far less judgmental of this innocent, beautiful creature. Man: Psst, hey, um, hm, what, uh, what are your rates? Pinkie Pie: Ten for a tuggie, twenty for a blowie, and twenty-five if the cameraman's gonna watch.