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00:00:04,410 --> 00:00:11,410
>> Twilight Sparkle: Everyone, listen. So
I'm sad that most of you are probably too

2
00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:23,439
stupid to realize this, but there's a giant
black cloud of smoke that's gonna cover the

3
00:00:23,439 --> 00:00:23,980
entire town.

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00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:24,590
>> Ponies: ["Meep, meep, meep", etc.]

5
00:00:24,590 --> 00:00:26,500
>> Twilight Sparkle: There it is. Right behind
you. Right where none of you were looking.

6
00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:27,460
>> Fluttershy: Hi! Hi, Twilight!

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00:00:27,460 --> 00:00:30,920
>> Twilight Sparkle: The smoke is being caused
by a dragon, and Celestia has asked me to

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00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:34,589
gather up my – and I quote – "weedy little
friends" so I can go take care of it. Now

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00:00:34,589 --> 00:00:38,739
I know that some of you are probably wondering:
"How is Twilight and her little friends possibly

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gonna stand up to a full grown dragon?" And
I want you all to know that if I don't come

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back, it's because I gave up. I probably skipped
town because I don't care about you, and I

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want you all to know that.

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>> Twilight Sparkle: I feel like the other
thing that you guys should all probably know

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is that we're all gonna die and I don't have
any faith in you!

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00:00:54,570 --> 00:00:58,160
>> Pinkie Pie: I understand how you feel.
I don't have any faith in them either!

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>> Rarity: Well, I think we'd be fine without
Applejack.

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>> Twilight Sparkle: No, Applejack's gonna
carry our stuff.

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>> Rarity: Well, I think that Applejack should
come with us.

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>> Rainbow Dash: Oh, my God, when we get back
from this, we are so getting laid!

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>> Rarity: But I already get laid frequently.

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>> Twilight Sparkle: There's basically no
real incentive for us to risk our lives like

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this. Rainbow Dash, you're the fastest, so
my plan is for you to fly down the dragon's

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throat and choke it to death! Alright, everyone,
get lost. I'll meet you all back here in an

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hour.

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>> Twilight Sparkle: This is gonna be a long
and difficult journey with no real reward

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00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:31,800
at the end, but at least you'll all die knowing
that you were remotely good for something.

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First up, we got Applejacks Apple Zapple,
Earth pony daughter of the Apple family, brought

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along to carry our stuff!

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>> Applejack: Whoo-doggie! Let's have a barbecue!

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>> Twilight Sparkle: Next up, we have Pinkamena
Diane Pie, recently paroled from house arrest

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and unable to be left alone without supervision!

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>> Pinkie Pie: How many ponies does it take
to screw in a light bulb? One! The other ponies

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are unnecessary!

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>> Twilight Sparkle: Then of course, we've
got Rarity, A.K.A. "Bootylicious", brought

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along purely because the government said she
had to go and for no other reason!

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>> Rarity: They don't call it a "high class
escort" for nothing.

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>> Twilight Sparkle: And finally, we got Rainbow
Dash herself for slapstick comic relief and

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a suicide attack!

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00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,190
>> Rainbow Dash: Aw, man. Can I change mine?

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>> Twilight Sparkle: Alright, let's get this
debacle in motion.

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>> Fluttershy: You forgot me.

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>> Twilight Sparkle: Oh, yeah. And we've also
got, uh... Uh... Yellow one.

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>> Applejack: Fluttershy, darlin'.

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>> Twilight Sparkle: Well, how am I supposed
to remember the names?

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>> Applejack: Y'all remembered mine just fine.

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00:02:22,790 --> 00:02:26,090
>> Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, but yours is easy.
But everypony in Ponyville has some kind of

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ridiculous name like "Carwash Rugmuncher"
or something! And it always turns out that

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it has something to do with their special
talent, like they're some kind of lesbian

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car-washing expert!

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00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:35,730
>> Rainbow Dash: Hey, do you think you could
get Celestia to legally change my name?

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>> Rarity: Who cares? Show of hooves – who
cares what Twilight thinks?

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>> Rainbow Dash: 'Cause I really want to be
"Lesbian Carwasher".

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>> Applejack: Can't we just get on with marchin'
to our death?

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>> Twilight Sparkle: [sigh] Okay, fine. Let's
have a look at the map that Celestia gave

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us. Oh, you have got to be kidding me. I don't
even think you can solve this maze. Oh, well.

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Looks like we're winging it.

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>> Twilight Sparkle: So does anyone know anything
about climbing mountains? 'Cause it may not

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be the dragon that kills us.

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00:02:58,390 --> 00:03:01,930
>> Applejack: I say we just climb. Otherwise,
someone will just start bickering again.

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00:03:01,930 --> 00:03:04,940
>> Pinkie Pie: I just realized we all have
to go back.

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>> Twilight Sparkle: Why? We're barely even
up the mountain.

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>> Pinkie Pie: Because I just realized that
I left my mp3 player alone with Gummy! And

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the last time I did that, he deleted all of
my music and replaced it with bizarre pornography!

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00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,650
>> Twilight Sparkle: Wait. Your pet alligator
did that?

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00:03:16,650 --> 00:03:18,260
>> Rainbow Dash: Nah, that was totally me.

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>> Pinkie Pie: You! Well, the things I did
to Gummy are only half of what I will do to

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you!

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00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:24,109
>> Rainbow Dash: No one can touch Lesbian
Carwash!

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>> Twilight Sparkle: Girls, I want you to
shut up.

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>> Applejack: [groan]

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>> Twilight Sparkle: Hey, what are you doing
with that?

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>> Applejack: I'm gonna use it as toilet paper.

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>> Twilight Sparkle: Oh. Fair enough.

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>> Fluttershy: Hey, I have to go too.

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>> Twilight Sparkle: Okay, does anyone else
need a break?

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>> Rainbow Dash: No.

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>> Pinkie Pie: No!

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>> Twilight Sparkle: Okay, then we're gonna
carry on to a stopping point. You two just

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00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:40,050
catch up.

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00:03:40,050 --> 00:03:43,040
>> Pinkie Pie: Cthulu fhtagn! I win again!

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00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,430
>> Rarity: Who cares? We're just gonna be
burned alive anyway.

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00:03:45,430 --> 00:03:48,150
>> Pinkie Pie: I cherish every victory over
a filthy unicorn.

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00:03:48,150 --> 00:03:49,880
>> Rarity: Pinkie, do you ever worry about
being mono-dimensional?

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00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:52,120
>> Pinkie Pie: Not really. Why do you ask?

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00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:55,350
>> Rarity: Because staring death in the face
has made me think about things, and I realize

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00:03:55,350 --> 00:03:59,540
that I've been a little mono-dimensional.
Sex with this, sex with that, but I really

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00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:03,990
feel like I should've slept with more boys.
Different kinds of boys, I mean. Maybe even

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00:04:03,990 --> 00:04:07,040
some girls just for the heck of it. You know,
just to be less mono-dimensional.

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00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,060
>> Pinkie Pie: [chuckles] You and I live in
completely different worlds.

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00:04:10,060 --> 00:04:12,159
>> Rarity: I don't know why I bother opening
up to you.

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00:04:12,159 --> 00:04:14,460
>> Rainbow Dash: I'm still mad you won't help
me change my name.

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>> Applejack: Hey, y'all. I made it. We had
a bit of a bathroom accident, and Fluttershy

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hit her head. So I just picked her up and
dragged her all this way on her back. I'm

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00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:28,259
not a doctor, but come to think of it now,
that probably didn't do her any favors.

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00:04:28,259 --> 00:04:35,259
>> Twilight Sparkle: Come on or we'll leave
you behind. Actually, just kidding. Celestia

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00:04:37,030 --> 00:04:40,970
said I gotta take all you guys, and we gotta
obey Celestia's orders. If you don't, she'll

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00:04:40,970 --> 00:04:43,940
shove a thing in your butt! And I forget what
it's called, but trust me, you don't want

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00:04:43,940 --> 00:04:44,730
it in there!

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00:04:44,730 --> 00:04:47,670
>> Fluttershy: But I don't want a thing shoved
in my butt! Oh, God!

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00:04:47,670 --> 00:04:51,560
>> Twilight Sparkle: I just said that. I don't
want a thing shoved in my butt either, so

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00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,000
just hurry up and jump.

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00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,930
>> Applejack: No one's gonna put anything
in your butt.

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00:04:54,930 --> 00:04:56,050
>> Twilight Sparkle: Maybe your brother...

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>> Applejack: Shut up.

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00:04:56,780 --> 00:04:59,840
>> Twilight Sparkle: You know, Celestia used
to threaten me with that butt thing all the

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00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:00,920
time when I was little.

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00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:02,750
>> Applejack: That is just a little too much,
honeybunch.

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00:05:02,750 --> 00:05:05,710
>> Twilight Sparkle: You're telling me. I
used to have nightmares about it. You know,

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00:05:05,710 --> 00:05:09,900
she actually once showed me how it works.
On a live pony, I kid you not. There was blood

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00:05:09,900 --> 00:05:13,160
everywhere. Who shows that kind of thing to
a child?!

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00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:19,180
>> Pinkie Pie: I would show that to a child!
I think it builds character! Yes. I will force

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00:05:19,180 --> 00:05:23,650
a thing in your fanny! And I won't ask your
permission! [singing] I said bird-bird-bird,

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00:05:23,650 --> 00:05:27,889
bird is the word! Don't you know about the
bird? [laughing maniacally]

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00:05:27,889 --> 00:05:30,490
>> Twilight Sparkle: This is why I don't tell
you guys about myself.

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00:05:30,490 --> 00:05:32,460
>> Fluttershy: Can we please talk about something
else?

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00:05:32,460 --> 00:05:35,480
>> Twilight Sparkle: No! If you don't jump
that ravine right now, I'm gonna tell you

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00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,330
about the time that Celestia made me smother
her pet bird to death!

118
00:05:38,330 --> 00:05:40,680
>> Pinkie Pie: Bird-bird-bird, bird is the
word! [laughing maniacally]

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00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:43,200
>> Twilight Sparkle: She took me into a room
and she handed me a pillow.

120
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:44,919
>> Fluttershy: No, no! I don't want to hear
this!

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00:05:44,919 --> 00:05:47,040
>> Twilight Sparkle: And then she made me
hold it over her pet bird's face until it

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00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:50,520
burst into flames and turned into ashes! And
then Celestia, she leans right down next to

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00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:54,090
me and she whispers into my ear, "I guess
you owe me now." And then... And then there

124
00:05:54,090 --> 00:05:54,680
was the time—

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00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:56,580
>> Fluttershy: [crying] Stop! This is scaring
me!

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00:05:56,580 --> 00:06:00,260
>> Twilight Sparkle: Scaring you?! And then,
I used to have this little toy named Mrs.

127
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:03,830
Buzzy. She was a stuffed bumblebee. And one
day when I was having a tea party, Celestia

128
00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:07,639
came and she pulled out all of Mrs. Buzzy's
stuffing, and she filled her full of sliced

129
00:06:07,639 --> 00:06:11,169
bread, and she said, "There! Mrs. Buzzy isn't
real!" And then...

130
00:06:11,169 --> 00:06:11,340
>> Fluttershy: Nooooo...!

131
00:06:11,340 --> 00:06:13,580
>> Twilight Sparkle: ...she told me to write
a three-hundred-page essay explaining what

132
00:06:13,580 --> 00:06:19,810
that proved, and I didn't know! [crying hysterically]
Hey, did we pack any scotch? Or whiskey? Or...

133
00:06:19,810 --> 00:06:20,810
paint thinner?

134
00:06:20,810 --> 00:06:24,260
>> Applejack: Darlin', I would give just about
anything if you could hop over here right

135
00:06:24,260 --> 00:06:25,880
now.

136
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:31,120
>> Rainbow Dash: So how soon before I fly
down this dragon's throat?

137
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:34,500
>> Twilight Sparkle: Depends on how long it
takes you to work up the courage.

138
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:35,150
>> Rainbow Dash: Aw, man!

139
00:06:35,150 --> 00:06:37,800
>> Twilight Sparkle: Alright, looks like your
time is up. Now remember, when you get lodged

140
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,599
down in there, try to turn yourself sideways
so he can't cough you back up.

141
00:06:40,599 --> 00:06:42,680
>> Rainbow Dash: No way! I'm not gonna die
as "Rainbow Dash"!

142
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:46,970
>> Twilight Sparkle: What do you mean? This
is exactly why... Wait. Are you still talking

143
00:06:46,970 --> 00:06:47,600
about your name?

144
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:50,750
>> Rainbow Dash: Yeah, man. I mean, come on,
I'm gonna die for Equestria. Just have Celestia

145
00:06:50,750 --> 00:06:52,000
change my name this one time.

146
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:55,039
>> Twilight Sparkle: Why are you so fixated
on being "Lesbian Carwasher"?

147
00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:57,900
>> Rainbow Dash: Well, who wouldn't want to
wash cars in Lesbia?

148
00:06:57,900 --> 00:07:00,830
>> Rarity: For Pete's sakes, seriously? Her
brain is this big.

149
00:07:00,830 --> 00:07:03,800
>> Twilight Sparkle: Wait, let me get this
straight. You think Lesbia's a place?

150
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:04,320
>> Rarity: Twilight.

151
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,250
>> Rainbow Dash: Yeah, ponies always think
I'm from there.

152
00:07:06,250 --> 00:07:06,979
>> Twilight Sparkle: From there?

153
00:07:06,979 --> 00:07:08,820
>> Rainbow Dash: Well, yeah, isn't it like
a tropical island?

154
00:07:08,820 --> 00:07:12,060
>> Twilight Sparkle: Okay, but I thought you
and Gilda were... you know...

155
00:07:12,060 --> 00:07:12,960
>> Rarity: Twilight.

156
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,139
>> Rainbow Dash: Yeah, Gilda was always trying
to explain to me where it was.

157
00:07:16,139 --> 00:07:16,460
>> Twilight Sparkle: She?

158
00:07:16,460 --> 00:07:20,389
>> Rainbow Dash: Yeah, she was always on about
how it's in your heart or something that you

159
00:07:20,389 --> 00:07:23,300
feel. You know, like national pride or whatever.

160
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:26,590
>> Rarity: Twilight. Listen, darling. Her
brain... this big.

161
00:07:26,590 --> 00:07:31,350
>> Rainbow Dash: Seriously? Let me guess.
It's not really a tropical island.

162
00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:32,720
>> Rarity: It isn't.

163
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:37,800
>> Twilight Sparkle: So... is she or is not
from... you know... Lesbia?

164
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:40,370
>> Rarity: Oh, I don't know that. Not really.

165
00:07:40,370 --> 00:07:44,960
>> Rainbow Dash: Well, I don't want to change
my name anymore if Lesbia isn't a nice place

166
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:45,779
to live.

167
00:07:45,779 --> 00:07:46,499
>> Rarity: Stop.

168
00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:49,380
>> Twilight Sparkle: Good. Then are you ready
to die for the cause?

169
00:07:49,380 --> 00:07:50,160
>> Rainbow Dash: Okay.

170
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:53,070
>> Twilight Sparkle: Perfect. Then I'm gonna
go on ahead and try to lure that thing out

171
00:07:53,070 --> 00:07:56,099
here. The minute that thing rears its ugly
head, you fly straight down its windpipe.

172
00:07:56,099 --> 00:07:59,310
>> Fluttershy: I want you all to know that
if we don't—

173
00:07:59,310 --> 00:08:00,440
>> Twilight Sparkle: Shut up.

174
00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:04,310
>> Twilight Sparkle: So hey, Mr. Dragon. I've
got this just delicious friend outside, and

175
00:08:04,310 --> 00:08:08,020
I hear she would just love to be eaten alive.
She tastes like candy.

176
00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:08,569
[bonk]

177
00:08:08,569 --> 00:08:14,960
>> Twilight Sparkle: Oh! Hey! Hey. Hey there.
So, like I was saying... My friend. You should

178
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:18,930
totally eat her. 'Cause you know, she's, like,
high in protein. The thing is that I learned

179
00:08:18,930 --> 00:08:23,330
today that if you replaced all my friends
with sliced bread, I'd still probably be miserable

180
00:08:23,330 --> 00:08:26,870
for some other reason. So if you could please
find it in your heart to eat Rainbow Dash

181
00:08:26,870 --> 00:08:30,169
and then go away, then I'll probably be allowed
to continue living without having a thing

182
00:08:30,169 --> 00:08:35,979
shoved in my butt. And I would really like
that. Hello? Are you listening? Don't just

183
00:08:35,979 --> 00:08:38,859
ignore me! Come on! ...Dammit!

184
00:08:38,859 --> 00:08:41,229
>> Twilight Sparkle: My plan sucked more than
Rarity!

185
00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:45,119
>> Rarity: Oh, darling. And here I thought
we were getting along so well for this trip.

186
00:08:45,119 --> 00:08:45,759
Oh, well.

187
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,149
>> Rainbow Dash: Well, I am gonna make that
thing eat me!

188
00:08:47,149 --> 00:08:48,959
>> Rarity: You go get him, killer.

189
00:08:48,959 --> 00:08:52,019
>> Rainbow Dash: Hey!
[whack]

190
00:08:52,019 --> 00:08:56,600
>> Dragon: [roars]
[bowling pins knocking over]

191
00:08:56,600 --> 00:09:01,459
>> Rainbow Dash: This is totally lame! I taste
great! I don't know what that dragon' freaking

192
00:09:01,459 --> 00:09:02,180
problem is!

193
00:09:02,180 --> 00:09:05,529
>> Twilight Sparkle: Well, what we need is
a whole ton of barbecue sauce to make Rainbow

194
00:09:05,529 --> 00:09:07,079
Dash more appealing to this dragon.

195
00:09:07,079 --> 00:09:11,079
>> Pinkie Pie: I have a better plan. I am
going to wear a box. And the box is full of

196
00:09:11,079 --> 00:09:11,769
poison lobsters!

197
00:09:11,769 --> 00:09:14,509
>> Applejack: Twilight, can't you just use
your magic powers to put the dragon to sleep,

198
00:09:14,509 --> 00:09:16,759
levitate it off a cliff, and then drop it
on some sharp rocks?

199
00:09:16,759 --> 00:09:21,539
>> Twilight Sparkle: No. That's stupid. If
it weren't, I would've thought of that.

200
00:09:21,539 --> 00:09:27,740
>> Pinkie Pie: Okay. Pinkie Pie is going in
for the kill. Hello! My box is full of poison

201
00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:29,110
lobsters!

202
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:31,860
>> Dragon: [roars]

203
00:09:31,860 --> 00:09:38,860
>> Pinkie Pie: [laughing maniacally] That
filthy dragon has been made no more!

204
00:09:39,149 --> 00:09:46,149
>> Twilight Sparkle: No way. You mean you
got it?

205
00:09:55,589 --> 00:10:02,589
>> Pinkie Pie: Hah, yes.