>You are Anon.
>And you are not a very smart man.
>No, you aren't stupid by any means.
>You just enjoy playing stupid games.
>Even though it's almost always a stupid prize that awaits.
>Like right now.
>A vacation to a desolate wasteland known as...
>What the hell did she call it again?
>...
>Right, Tartarus.
>You remember thinking it sounded like a land of bad oral hygiene and dental problems.
>Equestria must have already used England to name some other land.
>But, you were warned plenty of times to stop.
>For whatever reason, booping ponies is something to be abhorred.
>Why the hell the simple finger to the snout and accompanying sound effect is so terrifying, you don't know.
>Well, there's a couple of ponies that aren't too bothered by it.
>And one that actually seems to like it.
>But Lyra is fucking weird.
>Like, stalker-breaking-into-your-home-while-you-sleep-and-taking-measurements-of-your-hands-weird.
>Anyway, you got drunk with power and kept doing it.
>Until Princess Celestia summoned you to Day Court and demanded you stop.
>But goddammit, that snoot was too tempting.
>You had to reach the forbidden fruit.
>And you did - right before she sentenced you to confinement for a short period.
>And mentioned something about making positive use of yourself and your attitude.
>Or something like that.
>The whole being sucked into a murky portal was a bit freaky and distracting.
>Now, Equestria's retina-searing vibrancy is gone - replaced with a backdrop of depressingly dark and bland hues.
>And rocks.
>Lots of rocks, with mountainous terrain to boot.
>But not much else.
>You really should have asked how long this trip was going to last.
>It's already been...
>Okay, there's no way to tell time, but you're already bored. 
>Nothing to see, nothing to do, and the only sounds you hear are your footsteps, your own personal muttering, and the occasional slip of rocks upon a nearby slope.
>Does anything even live here?
>Is it all just this inhospitable terrain, or is there more?
>Guess you'll find out by wandering.
>Hopefully you're at least traveling in a straight line...
>"Who dares to trespass within my realm?" 
>You stop in your tracks as a deep, but distinctly feminine voice seems to echo to you from all directions.
>Looking around only shows you the same dark, dull, rocky landscape as everywhere else.
>Of course, you can't see very far into the darkness.
>Though more than you normally could...
>Maybe there's an artificial source of light you haven't noticed?
>For whatever reason, you're inclined to look down at your feet.
>Oddly enough, there is an abrupt shift in the coloration of the soil and stone, much darker than the sandy gray that you've been passing through.
>You take a step back away from the apparent demarcated zone - and then back into it.
>Nothing.
>A few more times, and you hear the voice again.
>"What do you think you're doing?"
"Trying to see if you're just a pre-recorded message, or an actual live being."
>"I assure you I am no mere... recorded message."
"That's an answer I would expect from a recorded message that has become self-aware," you argue back accusingly.
>Dead silence.
>You keep toying with the 'realm' and its border, hopping back and forth like an autistic child in a mud puddle.
>"Stop this nonsense! I will not be made a fool of in my domain, whelp!" you hear a snarling call back.
"That sounds a little less like a recording, but doesn't prove it!" you shout back.
>You hear a growl of frustration, before the sound akin to a stiff breeze reaches your ear, a sudden dark haze making its presence known as it streaks by you.
>What the hell kind of weird weather phenomenon do they have going on here?
>You would consider asking the voice, but she or it seems kind of pissy about you being here in the first place.
>It's not like you *asked* to come here, for crying out loud...
>Out of the pitch-black abyss in front of you appears a pair of eyes - a striking, lustrous turquoise hue that almost seems to glow, framing a set of slitted pupils that rapidly grow wider to compensate for the lack of light.
>Hm, maybe acting like a dumbass wasn't the best decision here.
>Whatever creature those features belong to slowly moves forward, the sound of rocks and gravel crunching with every step.
>And whatever it is, it stands at least at eye level with you.
>You consider running.
>But what if it's like a t-rex?
>You know, only sees movement?
>Or was that some made-up shit?
>Fuck you, Jurrasic Park, you should have elaborated what was fact and what was pure bullshit.
>But as you stand there and internally argue with yourself, the mystery creature finally emerges from the shadows.
>Your sort of have to scoff about it.
>It's just a pony.
>Well, a big pony.
>For you.
>It stops only a foot or two away from you, completely emotionless and silent.
>As tall as Celestia, this pony's coat is jet black, save for a few splotches of violet around her ass and hips.
>Rather than any sort of traditional mane or tail, this one possesses something similar to Celestia as well - an undulating ethereal mass matching the haze that passed you earlier.
>Of course, now seeing it out of more than your mere peripheral vision, you see it is a dark blue hue, complete with small pinprick sparkles that twinkle like stars in the night sky.
>And also like Celestia, this pony proudly displays a pair of expansive wings spread out to either side, as well as a long, imposing horn upon her head.
>Surprisingly, you remember the name the purple supernerd Twilight Sparkle had for these things.
>Alicorns.
>Okay, you remember it because you called em 'all-in-one-icorns.'
>Toilet Spergle always got pissy when you said that.
>Actually, she got pissy when you called her that name.
>She gets all uptight and fussy about a lot of shit.
>She probably needs to be laid.
>You did offer once to help her out with that.
>As a joke, of course.
>Imagine actually being attracted to a pony and wanting to fuck it.
>Ha.
>Hahaha.
> It's only now you become aware this pony is staring daggers into you, its face shifting ever so subtly from cold and calculated to frustrated and expectant.
"Yo," you finally say, before taking note of the light blue armor that adorns this being.
>Shit, hopefully you aren't expected to actually fight or anything...
>"You would do well to show your respect by bowing to me, knave," it finally suggests in the same feminine voice you heard earlier.
>Well, she's certainly not a warm and welcoming personality.
"I wasn't really aware you were important," you quickly reply without a thought.
>The comment garners a sneer from her.
>"I am Nightmare Moon," she announces, taking a step forward and stretching her wings out even farther. "I am the ruler of this realm, and I will not be dismissed by some mere..."
>Apparently taking stock of your attributes, she stares you up and down twice before her eyes return to yours.
>"I do not know what you are, but nevertheless, I demand you bow to me!"
>Oh god, why do you have to be stuck here with an egotistical edgelord?
>Her name sounds vaguely familiar, though.
>But your mind automatically shifts from wary to "fuck this, fuck that, fuck you" mode.
"Thus doesn't look like much of a realm to be ruling over. How do I know you aren't lying to me?" you shoot back, putting on your best poker face. 
>Emo Moon is taken aback by your nonchalant response, her eyes widening as she considers how to even retort.
>"I am the rightful ruler of this world!" she bellows. "Do you see anypony else here?"
"No, which is why I think you're on an ego trip here. Considering I'm here as punishment and I was told this was a short timeout, I have to believe you're here for the same reason and that you in fact cannot harm me, nor force me to do anything. Judging by the wasteland we're standing in, I'm not sure that there is anything which to possess or otherwise claim aside from barren land. Unless you're hiding your palace somewhere."
>As you finish your rant, the dark alicorn merely gapes in disbelief, allowing you to catch a glimpse of the pointed teeth and long, razor-sharp fangs that inhabit her maw.
>Well that's certainly new and exciting.
>Nightmare gradually returns to prior form, though clearly knocked down a few pegs by your calculated deductions and overall bluff fabricated out of sheer irritation.
>"I will let that outburst slide, but do not trifle with my fickle mood much further," she warns in a haughty tone.
>Well, you didn't expect the attitude to be completely gone.
"Fair enough. What did you do to end up in this place?" you ask, throwing her a proverbial bone.
>"I did nothing wrong," she spits out with contempt. "I merely tried taking what was rightfully mine, as ponies did not share the same respect for my night sky as they did my sister's sun. I was to be the only Princess of Equestria, but I was struck down by my sister's wielding of the Elements of Harmony."
"Riiight," you answer slowly, unsure if this is a story her mind made to cope with the isolation, or if there is a grain of truth somewhere. "So who is your sister?"
>You get another disdainful sneer from Nightmare Moon, while you wait expectantly for an answer.
>"Celestia, if you could truly not connect the dots, you buffoon," she hisses.
"Oh, I guess I see the family resemblance now," you reply, unimpressed with the attitude she continues to put forth. "So how long is your time out?"
>Unexpectedly, Nightmare throws her head back, cackling as if you just told the greatest joke in the world.
>You just continue standing there as she regains some sort of composure.
>"I am here for eternity, you fool! My cowardly sister could not free me, as I already nearly overpowered her twice!" she shouts, seeming to take a bit of misplaced pride out of the last statement.
"So you were given another chance, and you did the same thing? That's kinda retarded, Darkie," you reply with skepticism.
>Her ears perk up instantly, as she eyes you with suspicion and more than a hint of anger.
>"What did you just call me?" she asks in a clearly rhetorical tone.
"Darkie," you quickly reply, unfazed by her simmering temper. "I'm not saying 'Nightmare Moon' - that's way too edgy. Did you come up with that yourself?"
>She's suddenly right in your face, nose to - er, snout with you.
>You can practically see the pyre of anger burning furiously in those eyes.
>"I will not put up with your silly games, you unremarkable little insect," she seethes. "I have been patient with you, but my resolve is beginning to grow very, very thin."
>Logic tells you to shut up now.
>The dickish side of your brain wants to continue to push the envelope and see what happens.
> She's so cute when she's angry.
>And while you don't *think* she can actually do anything to you... the 'what if' part of the gamble makes this more fun than just tormenting Twisted Sprinklers.
"Human," you say.
>Confusion runs rife through Nightmare with your cryptic response.
>"Human," she repeats with uncertainty, as if testing her palate with the foreign word.
"I'm a human, not an insect," you say with a nod. "And I think you could really use some science classes, because that's pretty basic shit."
>You expect some sort of outburst again, but she says nothing.
>Of course, the reason for that is clear the very instant you feel her hoof stomp down onto your foot.
>Even with a decent pair of boots on, it still is a strong notification that she's not *completely* incapable of causing harm.
"Ow, what the fuck!" you shout as you jump back, hobbling as you try to take all pressure off of your stinging foot.
>"As I said, my patience grows thin," she states flatly. " Now, I have shared the reason for *my* confinement here in Tartarus - the least you can do is share your story."
>After a few moments, some of the throbbing dies down a bit, enough so that you don't feel the need to balance on one foot with all the poise of a drunken hobo.
>With some semblance of composure, you finally meet Darkie's gaze again - and for the first time since meeting her, find her expression betraying a look of mild amusement.
>Damn sadist.
>"Why are you here?" she asks again coldly.
"Hard to nail down one exact thing, Darkie," you reply, souring her mood instantly. 
>"Why must you act like such a nuisance?" she grumbles with a roll of her eyes.
"Yeah, that's the gist of it."
>"Pardon?"
"Being a nuisance. That's why I'm here."
>Nightmare is aghast at the insinuation - making you wonder if maybe she isn't so evil and irredeemable as she appears.
>"You mean to tell me my sister sent you here for the mere reason of finding you to be annoying?"
>You shrug
"Yeah, I'm kinda good at it. Well, that and booping ponies. That's actually the major one."
>This might actually be a bad idea.
>But dammit, it's worth the risk.
"'Booping' ponies?" she parrots unsteadily. "Pray tell, what *is* that?"
>In one swift motion, you close the gap between the two of you, reach up, and boop her right in the nose, complete with the required sound effect.
>Whether by shock of what just transpired or being offended like so many other ponies, Darkie stumbles backward, her head recoiling even further.
>Hook, line, and sinker.
>"What in Tartarus was that?" she asks, dumbfounded.
"A boop," you say dismissively. "I figured describing it wasn't worth the time and effort."
>Much contour surprise, Nightmare actually seems to let her guard down, taking a step closer to you.
>"And *what* is the actual rea-"
"Boop!"
>You interrupt her by repeating your same motion, seeming to almost stun her for a moment.
>Of course, she quickly returns to the same old seething edgelord.
>"I am trying to understand what the reason is for this, stop int-"
"Boop!"
>"DO YOU WANT TO LOSE THAT FINGER?!" she shouts, baring her teeth.
"Well, no. It's one of my favorites."
>"Then I suggest you cease this nonsensical charade at once!"
"You're no fun," you say, crossing your arms.
>"And you have to be the most annoying and stupid creature I have ever had the misfortune to interact with!"
"Mom told me to stick to what I'm good at. Huffing spray paint and drinking aren't really career choices with a path."
>Huh.
>Now that you think about it, maybe this is what Princess Celestia meant about making positive use of yourself. 
>What good is it gonna accomplish, though?
>Fuck it, why ask questions?
>"Did you hear what I just said?!" Darkie shouts, directly in your face once again.
"No, I wasn't paying attention. Sorry, Darkie."
>"You *will* use my correct name, or by the stars, I swear I wi-"
"Boop!"
>"AUGH!" 

***** 

>You are Princess Celestia.
>And you find yourself unable to pull yourself away from the small magical portal in front of you.
>With mild amusement, you watch as your sister interacts with her new "friend" in Tartarus.
>You can't help but chuckle a bit, finding Anon to be even more receptive than you expected for the task in which he unwittingly volunteered.
>But your dear pupil does not seem to share the same sentiments.
>"You sent Anon to Tartarus? With Nightmare Moon?!" Twilight Sparkle gasps.
>As you turn, Twilight seems to reconsider her tone.
>But you really don't mind the outburst - you may be her mentor, but you have to humor her every now and then with her objections.
"Yes. I realize it may seem a bit harsh for him - but it is only temporary, Twilight," you say, flashing her with a warm smile. "After all, I'm not sure my sister would be able to tolerate him for more than a year, at best.
>Something seems to click in your star pupil's mind, as her eyes light up.
>"You're using him to torment her."
"No, not torment," you say, shaking your head as you pause for the right term. "Consider it a wearing down of her resolve in order to better help her see through the error of her ways and the anger she holds in her heart right now."
>"But what about the Elements of Harmony?" Twilight suggests, pointing a hoof to the locked room to her left where the talismans are kept. "Couldn't they do some good other than locking her away?"
>The idea put forth by her naive mind causes you to chuckle for a brief moment.
"Oh dear Twilight, I think my sister deserves more care than a brain-washing that those items would perform. They are very rudimentary tools, at best."
>Anxiously, Twilight takes a step away from the aforementioned door, eying it warily.
"After all, was it not you that suggested that I find some way for Anon to be productive for Equestria, other than annoying everypony?"
>"Well... yeah," Twilight admits, her cheeks flushing red with embarrassment. "But I don't want him to get hurt, how do you know Nightmare Moon won't do anything to him?"
"She won't."
>"But what about-"
"My dear student, I could explain how I have everything planned out so that Anon will be just fine - but isn't this shitpost already becoming rather long-winded?"
>Twilight stares blankly back at you, as if you have spoken in a foreign tongue.
>Leaving the discussion at that, you turn back to the show through the portal in time to see Nightmare giving chase to a fleeing Anonymous.
"Play nicely now, sister."