These are one shots that I like but felt didn't deserve their own individual pastes, either because they were too short or too silly.

These are my misfit one shots.

This should make things a bit easier to navigate:
>Press and hold the "ctrl" key and then the "F" key.
>Type in the letter and number that is written before each story title.
>Profit?

-Stories-
c1: "Day of Helping"
c2: "Fluttershy and the Club"
c3: "Cookieshy"
c4: "Day of Proof"
c5: "(Sleepybastrd got on Skype one day and told me that I had twenty minutes to write a story with a dragon in it)"
c6: "Eighteenth Birthday"
c7: "Sticky Mouth"
c8: "Table for Two (with apologies to Fillydelphian, for the title)"
c9: "Secret Admirer"
c10: "Grief and Relief"
c11: "Day of the Magic Trick"
c12: "Flutterrape?"
c13: "Fucking Sexy-Ass Pinkie Pie"
c14: "Girls are Weird"
c15: "A Very Important Friendship Question"
c16: "Knocking on Heaven's Door"
c17: "Fluttershy's BBC"
c18: "Pinkie's Polka"
c19: "Slow News Day"
c20: "One Leg at a Time"
c21: "Chocoshy (featuring Punny Pinkie)"
c22: "Family Christmas Dinner"
c23: "The thicc Dash and the sticc Dash"
c24: "Rarity Woos You in Her Place"
c25: "A Hearts and Hooves Cake"
c26: "The Apple Pie Oral Incident"
c27: "Late Night Pink Thinks"
c28: "Pony Prank Day (April Fools' story)"
c29: "Hearts and Hooves Hell"
c30: "Beach Bully"
c31: "Perfect End of the Week"



c1

>Day of helping in Equestria
>Just one more pony to help and you get to take this enchanted collar off
>Which is good cause the bastard is starting to itch 
>You take your trusty itchin' twig and scrape the skin under the crystal band round your neck
>Careful though, one wrong move and the collar could think you're trying to take it off
>And you know what'll happen then
>It'll emit a high pitched squeal 
>It's super annoying
>Also it'll explode and take your head with it
>You gingerly use your itchin' twig
>Stupid ponies and their criminal prevention programs
>All you did was cut inline at Sugarcube Corner
>Fucker had it coming
>Well, once you help this last pony the collar comes off
>Reorganize Twilight's books, tiresome but easy
>Balance Applejack's checkbook, much easier to do with fingers
>Take Rainbow Dash for a walk, weird but whatever
>Deliver that "special" party package for Pinkie, you don't know why you had to wear a ski mask and gloves but you did and got it done
>Give Rarity a blowjob... that was eye opening, and mouth opening
>One last pony
>This is the one you've been dreading
>You knock on the door and hear Fluttershy announce she's coming in a sing song chirp
>She fucking knows it's you
>Fluttershy opens the door and looks you up and down before moaning in pleasure
"What eldritch horror do you want me to do?"
>She turns around and lifts her rump in the air and you sigh and roll your eyes
"Fine."
>You pull down your zipper
>"Scratch my back."
>...Um
>
"That's what you want?" 
>She moans, "Yeah sweetie. I want you to run those dirty fingers of yours on my skin. I want to feel those nails attack me."
>"I want," she shudders and you see a drool puddle on the floor under her chin, "I want you to scratch me like daddy used to."
>You look at her back closely and take notice of something
>Pony backs are fucking disgusting!
>They can't reach back there to wash them, so all the dirt and leaves and sticks stay exactly where they are
>God, you swear the sweat and the dirt have mixed in a way that makes her fur look like the carpet of a hoarder
>You look at your itchin' stick and purse your lips
>It glares at you, "We had a deal man!"
"I don't have to listen to you, I'm fucking crazy."
>You vigorously rub Shy's back with your itchin' stick and she screams in pleasure and throws her head back as her wings twitch and ruffle
>As soon as the collar comes off you toss it around Shy's neck and get outta dodge
>Having the collar on your neck for so long creates a noticeable dirt ring
>All the ponies you pass by give you disgusted looks and tell you to go wash your neck
>Meanwhile their backs smell like sewers and look like Snickers melted in the carpet
>You look at your itchin' stick
"You're my only friend."
>"I gotta come clean, Anon. I ain't made of pine."
>Toss him over your shoulder and cry at the betrayal
>You'll never break the law again 


c2

>Day of the club in Equestria
>Maybe you'll just go home and try to join next month
>Your brilliant planning makes you breathe a sigh of relief and you turn to leave
>But Angel kicks your leg and you see him shake his head in disapproval
"But I'm so nervous, Angel."
>He points at the door to the club and then crosses his arms
"What if they don't want me to join? Oh goodness, what if I embarrass myself?"
>You start to sweat and your knees tremble
"It'd be just awful."
>Angel holds up a flyer advertising the club and points to the section that says, "Open to anypony who's interested."
"I know, I know, but it's just so..."
>Your eyes go wide as you stare at the entrance and a million insecurities all storm your mind at once, making it impossible to pinpoint just one to be nervous about
"Bunnies!" You say in a panic, "I need to go tend to my bunnies!"
>You start to run before tripping over something and falling on your face
>Angel's retracts his foot and makes some gestures and flutters his eyes
"If it did go well," you sigh, "Then I know I'd have a good time."
"And, and I know that I won't know how it’ll go until I pony up and join.”
>Angel nods and helps you up
>You breathe in rapidly a couple times before closing your eyes and focusing
"I guess I've got to do it."
>Angel voices his pleasure in a squeak and you show a determined smile
"You're right, I've got to try."
>You advance towards the door
>Every hoof step is a thought and every breath is a hope
>All the time you keep thinking about something else
>Hoping that somepony else, somepony who is cool and popular, will be in your place when you enter
>It isn't a conscious thought anymore to be walking towards that door
>And then you stop just as your hoof touches the door knob
>You take a deep breath, get a supportive wave from Angel, and then...
>The door cracks open and you push it slowly so you can peek inside without being noticed 
>Inside you see various ponies from town, most of them you don't recognize or only know on a name basis
>That green unicorn is Lyra Heartstrings, and that grey earth pony is Octavia, and that mail pony is named Muffins but everypony calls her Derpy
>You don't see anypony you're real familiar with here
>Just turn back
>They don’t want you around; they all look like they’re having a real fun time without you after all
>”Hey did one of you girls leave the door open?”
>Oh ponyfeathers
>”How’d that happen? Hang on I’ll get it, then we can get started.”
>You have to back away
>But you feel something push you from behind and you fall forward and hear the door slam against the wall as it goes careening open
>You look up from behind your mane and see that blue dentist unicorn named Colgate looking at you quizzically
>”Are you alright, Fluttershy?”
>Say something dummy
“Y-you too.”
>No!
>”Me?” She asks with a giggle, “I’m alright. You didn’t hit your head on the way down did you?”
>She seems nice
“No, I’m alright.”
>You peer over your shoulder and see Angel wink at you before shutting the door
>”What’s up, Fluttershy? Do you need something?”
>Well yes, you want to join the club
>Why else would you be here right now?
>Oh no, they don’t even want to consider you as a member
>They didn’t even offer
>You’re embarrassing yourself
“Well…”
>Your eyes hit the floor and you slowly begin to ease backwards
>”Do you, um,” you hear the unicorn exhale, “Do you want to join our club?”
>What?!
>You look up with hopeful eyes and see inviting smiles all around the faces of the room
“Me?”
>Colgate nods and rubs her forearm, “We don’t really have a lot of members. It’s just been us for a while now.”
>You look again and see that the four ponies you counted, were indeed just four ponies 
>The vast interior of town hall seemed to dwarf the four ponies, and the folded metal chairs hid away in the corner all looked a bit dusty
>”I figured if you were here, if you were here right now anyway,” she stammers, “That it was most likely cause… uh,” she rubbed the back of her head
>”We don’t get many visitors,” said Lyra, “Or admirers. I think what Colgate is trying to say is that we assumed you were here to join the club.”
>”You should join Fluttershy,” said Derpy enthusiastically. “Its loads of fun, and I always make too many muffins, so there’s plenty to go around.”
>You look to the snack table and see a muffin fall off of a big pile of them onto the floor
>They’re blueberry, you can smell that
>You get up and dust yourself off
“Well, um, I’d love to join, if you don’t mind that is.”
>All of the ponies then cheer, except for Octavia who lightly claps, and it makes you let out a small scream
>Lyra rushes over to you and drags you over to the circle of chairs were the four ponies were meeting
>”I’m so glad you want to join, I promise that you won’t regret it.”
>Octavia nods, “Indeed.”
>”Yeah," Derpy shouts, “We’ve been waiting for you to join for, like, ever.”
>The others shush her and Derpy sheepishly smiles
“Forever?”
>”Well,” Lyra giggled nervously, “Yeah. You’re actually the reason this club even exists.”
>Wait a minute
“What?”
>”It’s true,” said Colgate. “Lyra and I got the idea to start it when we all saw what you were doing.”
>Oh goodness
“You did?”
>Lyra cleared her throat, “Maybe I should just start from the beginning.”
>She nods to Octavia who sets up some gear and then brings her bow to her cello 
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUPp3fVszJ0 
>”Well,” said Lyra, “I always thought it was weird. I looked at it like there must’ve been something wrong with me to feel the way I did. But then one day I saw you doing it, you of all ponies Fluttershy, and I realized that maybe it wasn’t so strange to feel that way after all.”
>Colgate nodded, “I was the same way. In fact just the thought scared me quite a good deal. Surely it was dangerous, and probably not healthy, but when I saw you doing it, I got it in me that maybe it was a natural feeling after all.”
>”I am not a stranger to romance,” spoke the sophisticated earth pony, “But I have a love hate relationship with passion. I felt that the only way I could truly understand my feelings was through my music, it is after all the way I understand everything else.
>”But nothing was good enough. No matter how hard I worked, or how much I tried to convince myself it was the best I could do, it was never enough. I started to get worried, I wrote multiple pieces, and when I didn’t like any of those I labored on one particular piece like it would eventually meet my impossible standards.
>”And then I saw you. I saw you perform and I pondered, ‘if a shy pony like that can express herself the way she does, then somepony of my stature has no excuse for locking up her work.’ You helped me express myself in ways I would not have done before, and as a result I was asked to join this club.”
>You were tearing up now with a smile that made your cheeks ache
>The three ponies looked to Derpy and she grinned and nodded, “I joined cause I like, Anon.”
>Octavia stopped playing and the death of noise was punctuated by the silence and an awkward cough from you
“Well, that’s nice.”
>”So as you can see, “ Lyra gestured to the smiling group, “We’re thrilled to have you. You taught us all not to be ashamed of our desires, even if some other ponies may find it weird.”
“That’s wonderful, I’m happy to join." 
>You hummed
“But, why didn’t you just ask me to join earlier?”
>”Well,” Colgate stammered, “The thing is, well it’s, what I mean –“
>Lyra interrupted, ”We were scared you’d say no.”
“Oh…”
>”Seems kinda silly, huh?”
“No,” you shook your head, “I think I understand.”
>Colgate offers you a seat and you nod and start to ease up
>Derpy gives you a muffin and you savor the sweet crumbly flavor and thank her
>”So,” Colgate tapped her hooves together. “How did you get started doing what you’re doing?”
>You nearly choke on your muffin at the question
>That’s probably the first time somepony has asked you that in a tone that wasn’t judgmental, or disgusted, or confused
“Well,” you smile, “It all started when one day I asked him if he would show me his dick.”

“You see this shit, right?” You ask in frustration, “I’m not the only one who thinks that’s fucked up, am I?”
>Princess Celestia finally answered your letters after leaving you waiting for like two months
>She’s looking at the banner, but with a face that doesn’t really seem as disgusted as you’d hoped it would be
“I mean come on, ‘The Anon Rape Club’, that has to be illegal, right?”
>”Has Twilight seen this, Anonymous?”
>Has she even read any of your letters?
“Twilight said it was fine. Can you believe that shit? There is no way that is fucking fine if you ask me.”
>You direct her towards the window
“As if Fluttershy wasn’t bad enough, you see that green one? Never leaves me alone for a second whenever I go out, same with the blue one too. And the grey one’s ‘serenades’ and ‘odes’ to me keep me up all fucking night, I never get any damn sleep anymore.”
>”What about the retarded Pegasus?”
“She’s not retarded, she’s actually pretty cool.”
>Girl brings you muffins and shit 
>You’re pretty sure she doesn’t actually know the sinister truth behind the club, and just assumes it’s a fan club of yours or something
>”She looks like a retard to me.”
>Sheesh
“You can shut this down, right?”
>”Well Anonymous, if Twilight says it’s alright then I’m afraid that I’m more inclined to trust her judgment.”
“You’re kidding.”
>The princess looks you up and down and you slowly start to see a blush crawl across her face
”You aren’t kidding.”
>”Let me just go talk to these girls for a second. I’m sure that with a bit of democracy we can reach a solution that will suit everypony.”
“You have the power to end this.”
>The princess opens the door and you hear her voice a warm greeting to the horrible rape club
“Remember that you have the power to end this.”
>The princess sits down with the others and for a while it seems like things might work out
>The girls have all leaned forward to hear Celestia’s words and you find yourself doing the same
>You put your ear to the door but hear nothing
>Then just when you were about to turn away
>”Hooray!”
>That was Derpy
>You look again and see Celestia levitate the plate of muffins over and begin chowing down, eating them like popcorn
>”Two new members in one day!”
>Dammit
>You feel something tap your leg and you see Fluttershy’s bunny looking up at you
“Um, can I help you?”
>He gives you a long stick and a napkin and you eventually piece it together
“You think so, huh?”
>He gives you an “I would” look before hopping away
>There has to be a land out there where rape can’t be made into a club
>Somewhere in this harmonious land created for little girls
>You walk off into the sunset and wonder how long it’ll take you to grow your tramping beard once you stop performing the “triple s”


c3

>You open the door, expecting Fluttershy, but instead you see the CMC, and they're all wearing green berets and sashes.
>"Hiya, Anon. We're selling cookies to help schools pay for supplies."
>Dammit. This is one of those "worthy cause" bullshit shows.
>You're going to look like a dick if you don't buy these now.
>Or are you?
How are sales going today?
>"Pretty good. Everypony we asked bought some cookies."
>Oh fucker!
>This is even worse than guilt tripping you.
>You really don't want to be the one guy who doesn't help support a worthy cause.
Alright, I'll buy some cookies, for the schools of course.
>"Oh, it's just for our school."
What, do you kids not have any new books or something?
>"Well, it's more like toilet paper and desks that don't have wobbles."
>What the fuck?
Why doesn't the government pay for that?
>The CMC all look at each other and shrug.
>"This is just how all the schools do it. Rarity says toilet paper is a worthy cause to raise money for."
>"I don't really care about the toilet paper. Applejack says toilet paper is a waste of money anyway. It's the desks that make me mad."
>"I just want to sell all the cookies and be number one in Equestria, like Rainbow Dash was when she was a filly."
Well it's good to know you girls have your lives at the moment figured out. Give me some thin mints.
>"Okay." Sweetie reaches into her bag, but her smile disappears.
>"I don't think we have any thin mints, sorry."
>You can't help but frown.
>It's always the same fucking story, even back on Earth.
>How come they never have thin mints when you break down and decide to buy!
>"In fact," says Apple Bloom, "all we got left are these vanilla wafers."
Then no sale. Only poor kids and boring people eat vanilla wafers.
>You'd rather be a social pariah than eat a vanilla wafer.
>"They aren't that bad," says Scootaloo.
Oh, is that right? Then eat one.
>"No!"
How about this, I'll buy a box, but only if Scootaloo eats five wafers.
>"You've got a deal!" says Apple Bloom. 
>"What the hay, Apple Bloom?"
>"You said they weren't that bad. What's the big deal?"
>"I only said that so he'd buy the box."
>"Well, I only agreed to his deal so he'd buy the box."
>"But I don't want to eat a wafer. They're boring, and they'll make me thirsty."
>"Come on, this is the last box we got to sell. Just do it."
>"No!"
>"Yes!"
>"I'll do it. I like vanilla wafers," says Sweetie.
>"No!" says both Apple Bloom and Scootaloo.
>You give Sweetie your money and she gives you the box of wafers.
>You open 'em and hold the box out to Scootaloo.
Go on, reach in there.
>Scootaloo looks at you with malice and then at the open box with worry.
>"I can't!"
>She puts her helmet on over her beret and takes off on her scooter, with the CMC crammed in the wagon behind her.
>And with your money.
>"Sorry, mister Anon!"
>With that they're gone.
>You sigh and go back inside.
>You just got fucking cheated by three kids.
>Telling their sisters seems like a good idea, but it seems much too humiliating to recount.
>Good god man, you've seen Mean Streets, you should know better.
>There's a knock at your door, and you feel relieved.
>The CMC are good kids, and you bet that that's them right now, here to apologize and give you a refund.
>Open the door to reveal Fluttershy wearing a green beret and a sash.
>"Hello sir... y-you sexy, sexy sir. I'm selling cookies to help schools get supplies."
No you aren't.
>"Uh... you're right. I'm actually selling my body, f-for sex, and-"
Role playing is not my fetish. Now, which poor kids did you traumatize to get that uniform?
>"I would never do such a thing!"
>You raise an eyebrow at her.
>"Well, not on a Sunday anyway. These are back from when I was in the Filly Scouts with Rainbow Dash."
Well, you've embarrassed yourself quite enough already, so go away now.
>"I know you want thin mints."
>That wakes you right up.
>"Everypony always wants thin mints, but whenever the filly scouts get to somepony, all the thin mints are gone.
>"But I have them. In fact, I have all of them."
>She bats her eyes at you and smiles enticingly.
I... I don't believe you.
>She takes the sheet off of the wagon she was pulling.
>There is a regular pyramid of thin mints in the wagon.
>Probably a year's worth.
How much?
>"If we fucked, then-"
Just tell me how much.
>She tells you, and that's most of the bits you got on hand right now, but dammit, this is one time you won't be denied.
>Now Fluttershy's bit sack is full and you have a table covered in boxes of thin mints.
>But just then something occurs to you.
How did you get these cookies?
>"I've been buying them from the school ponies. I know which ones are the most popular, and I have projects of my own that need financing, so sometimes I sell the cookies at a markup to make extra bits."
I didn't know cookies were like Beanie Babies here.
>Wait, you missed the point.
What was that about projects?
>"Oh, I'm building my own genetics research facility, and hiring some scientist ponies to do some work for me."
Uh, that's fucking weird. Why?
>She just winks at you.
>Whatever weirdo.
>"I can still come by later and clean the hair from your shower drain, right?"
Yeah, if you're doing it for free.
>She smiles, "definitely. You just gave me the rest of the money I needed for my project."
Don't know if that's good or bad. 
>Wait, you missed the point again!
Wait, did I just fund one of your crazy rape schemes?
>She giggles, "you'll find out eventually."
>You grip the box of wafers in your hand in anger.
>Wait, maybe you can fix this.
Fluttershy?
>"Yes?"
Um, I'm selling cookies to help a cause. Would you please buy these wafers?
>"Um, no. Wafers are gross. Nopony ever buys them."
>She then blows you a kiss and flies away.
>You eat nearly a year's supply of thin mints in a couple weeks and your waist size doubles, much to the chagrin of Rarity.
>Fucking Cookieshy.


c4

>Day of proof in Equestria
>Flutterrapist has been bothering you for a really long time now, but nobody ever believes you because she’s “shy” and “innocent”
>Today you’re going to get proof though
>Hear a knock on your chamber door and answer it to reveal none other than the devil herself
>”How are you this morning, Anon?”
I’m feeling good today. Are you here to guess my fetish?
>”Of course.”
>She smiles and reaches into her saddlebag
>She pulls out a fucking pissed off cobra
>It’s slithering and flailing around in her mouth, hissing like mad
>She speaks, but of course her speech is muffled due to having a dangerous snake in her mouth
>The snake looks like it is ready to strike her at one point, but Fluttershy stares the fucking bastard down
>This bitch can be scary sometimes
>She says something again, but of course you can’t understand her
What?
>She lets go of the snake and it falls to the ground
>”Are cobras your fetish?”
>You look into the black eyes of the cobra
>It stares at you as well
>It assesses you as an easy kill and begins slithering towards you
>You’re only wearing some briefs and a shirt
>Fuck fuck fuck
>You run away, screaming all the while that cobras are not your fetish
>Fluttershy questions you the whole time
>”Well, what kind of snakes are your fetish then? Milk snakes? Vipers? Trouser?”
>This was your whole morning

>Once she’s gone you retrieve the tape recorder that you taped above the door
>Listening to the playback you can easily hear Fluttershy asking you about fetishes
>This is definitive proof of her creepiness
>You bring the tape to Twilight’s castle
>”Hello, Anon.”
Hey, I finally got proof.
>Twilight frowns and rolls her eyes when she sees the tape recorder
It’s definitive this time. Trust me.
>”Fine then. Play the tape.”
>You play the tape, but Twilight’s neutral expression doesn’t change throughout
>When the tape is over she looks unimpressed
So, what’d you think? 
>”Anon, this doesn’t prove anything. How do I know you didn’t make this yourself?”
How the hell could I do that? That’s clearly her voice.
>”That could be anypony doing her voice.”
That’s bullshit!
>”No, it’s true. Everypony in town can do an imitation of Fluttershy’s voice.”
What the hell are you even talking about?
>”I said,” she clears her throat.
>”That everypony in town can imitate Fluttershy’s voice.”
>What the fuck? That sounded exactly like Fluttershy, and still does when she says:
>”Do you believe me now, Anon?”
How did you do that?
>She shrugs, and back in her normal voice again she says: “I just can. Everypony in town can.”
Okay, I guess I can’t say that your impression isn’t spot on. But do you really expect me to believe that everyone in town can imitate Fluttershy’s voice?
>Just then Rainbow Dash comes in and greets the two of you
>”Dash, can you do your Fluttershy imitation for Anon?”
>”Um, why? Everypony in town can do that.”
Really?
>Dash rolls her eyes, and sure enough, “yes, really.” She sounds exactly like her shy friend
>”My name is, um, Fluttershy. And I’m scared of my own shadow. And I wet the bed every night at flight camp even though I was a year older than everypony else.”
How the fuck are you doing that?
>Dash shrugs and returns to her normal voice:
“I just can. Everypony in town can. Can’t you?”
>Seriously?
I’m a guy.
>”That doesn’t matter, Anon.” You hear Fluttershy say from behind you
>But when you turn around in a panic you don’t see the crazed rapist anywhere near you
>You do see Spike smugly grinning up at you though
>”I love you, Anon.” Says Spike in a perfect imitation of Fluttershy’s voice. “Let’s go get married.”
You too?
>He nods, and in his normal voice says:
>”They’re telling you the truth. Everypony in town can do it.”
>”So, can you do it or not?” asks Dash 
>Well, you’ve never tried 
>You clear your throat
>Think timid thoughts
>And say:
I’m a crazy rapist.
>You sounded exactly like Fluttershy
>You cover your own mouth in shock and try it again
What the fuck?
>You laugh a little bit at your own perfect imitation
Is sounding like me your fetish, Anon?
>”Looks like you can do it too,” says Twilight. “Nothing strange there.”
Nothing strange?
>You still sound like her
This is a fucking phenomenon or something. It’s really freaky stuff.
>”Meh,” says Spike. “It’s not that freaky.”
Name one thing freakier.
>”An alien came tearing through the sky in a big ball of fire one time, and now he lives here in town.”
Touché. That was a pretty sweet entrance.
>You seem to be imitating Fluttershy every time you talk now
I still say it’s weird.
>”Anon, you can stop talking like her now,” says Dash. “We get it.”
Okay, give me a second.
>You clear your throat a bit 
How’s this?
>But you know the answer
>You still sound like her
>”Very funny. How long are you going to keep that joke up?”
I don’t…
>Where the fuck is your normal voice?
>You rub your throat
What is going on?
>Still sound like her
Why can’t I talk normally?
>Dash is starting to snicker now
>”Anon, stop. I can’t take you seriously when you sound like that.”
>You keep trying and trying to get your normal voice back, but whenever you open your mouth to speak:
Why the fuck do I keep sounding like her?
>Dash begins laughing hard now
>”Anon sounds like a girl!”
>Her and Spike fall to the floor and share their laughter 
Help!
>Twilight enthusiastically collects her medical equipment and begins raving about being able to “study such a phenomenon.”
>Looks like, for the foreseeable future, you’re going to be stuck sounding like
>Fucking Fluttershy


c5

>Day of the drastic measures in Equestria
>You have fucking had it with Fluttershy’s shit
>You told her like a rational human being that fish is not your fetish
>She asked numerous times, and you told her no numerous times
>You kept your composure and tried to remain civil about it, but she kept pressing it
>This morning you woke up to get some underwear
>You open your drawer
>It’s full of fish
>Like, mixed in with all of your underwear is a bunch of fucking fish
>Salmon, halibut, trout, goldfish, beta, star, lapris
>So much fucking fish
>And they’re alive
>A large catfish flops out of your drawer and hits you in the teeth
>Now you taste fishy
>You quickly run to the hospital, because…
>You are Fucking Allergic to FISH! Fucking Fluttershy!
>After getting an allergy shot you decide to do something drastic
>Fluttershy needs to go away for a very long time
>You have some connections
>Working in the butcher shop has gotten you some good side jobs with a blade
>You know just where to cut
>It’s perfect
>You grab your machete and head over to your destination
>It might be good if you knock on the door first, you know, poetic justice
>You knock
>Berry Punch opens the door
>She drunkenly smiles
>”Hey –“ she vomits all over the front step
>it smells sweet
Okay, I’m here to cut those bushes you wanted out of the way.
>She wipes her mouth and gets vomit all over her hoof
>”That’s my sexy gardener,” she slurs out
>”Why don’t you come inside for some coffee first.”
>She tries to grab at your shirt with her vomity teeth but you back away
No. I’m actually here to remove your brush. I need a favor.
>She sniffs
>”Oh. Dang. What is it then?”

>It was hard work, but you got the job done
>Berry Punch gave you the reward you needed
>You walk over to Fluttershy’s cottage in some clean clothes
>She is surprised when she opens the door and sees you at her cottage 
>”O-oh my, this is so…”
“We need to…” you stop speaking as she closes the door on you
>What the actual fuck?
Fluttershy?
>She opens the door again and you see that her mane is wet and there’s a towel wrapped around her head
>”Hello, Anon” – she flutters her lashes at you – “I just got out of the shower. What brings you here?”
>She bites her lip
I brought you – 
>”Oh, would you like to come in for some coffee?”
>Fucking hell
No. I came over because – 
>”Are you sure? Um, I’m really, wet, and I think that my pipes –“
Shut up!
>She jumps and the towel falls of her head
>You really didn’t think she was going to keep interrupting you
>Fucking excitable shy pony
I got you this.
>You hold out the ticket and Fluttershy’s eyes go wide
>”Y-you got me a gift?”
Don’t get used to it.
>She looks at the ticket
>”Oh goodness, this is to the butterfly convention.”
Pretty great, huh?
>”Great? Anon, these only happen once every five years. These tickets sell out within minutes. How did you get this?”
I did some favors for Berry.
>”Like what?”
>Berry is a scalper, but you’re feeling a bit funny right now
I trimmed her bush.
>Fluttershy blushes
>”D-does hers have something that I –“
I was just kidding. 
>”Oh.”
Get your mind out of the gutter.
>”Because, you know, if you wanted I could grow it in a certain –“
Stop it.
>”Okay.”
Well, have fun tomorrow.
>You turn to leave
>”Wait, Anon.”
>Turn around
If this is about your bush I’m going to be very upset.
>”N-no…”
>It’s silent for a while
Well?
>”Oh, okay. I thought of something.”
>This fucking horse
>”Is me trying to give you this ticket back your fetish?”
>She holds it out to you with a sheepish smile and you roll your eyes 
No. And neither is you “surprising” me tomorrow by not going. And neither is trying to sneak me into the convention. In fact, nothing but you going to that convention is going to be even close to my fetish. Got that?
>She sighs and relents
>You hold out your hand
No shenanigans?
>She puts her hoof in your hand; you taught her about handshakes a long time ago
>”No shenanigans.”
>She then licks your fingers and you pull back and grimace
>She’s still learning
>You wake up and feel on top of the world
>No Fluttershy
>It’s a guarantee today
>Open the drawer to find that there’s no fish
>You don’t hear a knocking at the door
>None of your windows look broken
>She’s gone
>She’s really going to be gone for a whole week
>This is fucking fantastic
>You can finally have some normalcy
>You’re so happy that you could actually sing a song like these ponies do sometimes
>You open the window and take a deep breath
~Life in Ponyville shimmers!
~Life in – 
>Something hits you in the chest really hard and it cuts you off
>You lie on the floor and wheeze
>See Rainbow Dash flying over you, she speaks in a hushed tone
>”What’s the matter with you? Are you trying to get us all killed?”
That fucking hurt. What’s the hell is your – 
>”Talk quieter.”
No. This is my fucking house. I’ll talk however – 
>You stop when a loud noise from outside shakes the entire house
>”Shoot.”
>Rainbow Dash flies out the window 
>What the hell?
>You run outside
>Look to the right
>Nothing out of the ordinary
>Look to the left
>There’s an enormous dragon on your lawn right next to your house
>So that’s what that noise was
>It was a dragon
>Wonderful
>You see that the mane six are all standing around it looking nervous
>They look at you
>You look at them
>The dragon scratches its back
>”So,” Twilight starts, “you’re probably wondering –“
I am. 
>”You see,” says Applejack, “the thing is…”
>”We had a plan,” says Rarity, “but…”
>”Now we’re trying to think of” – Rainbow Dash hums – “something else.”
>You purse your lips and look at Pinkie
>”Nonny, are you mad?”
>The dragon swishes its tail in its sleep
>It knocks over an enormous redwood tree that was in the surrounding woods by your house; the boom echoes and causes many birds to fly into the air
>If this dragon was faced the other way that tree would’ve been your house
>The dragon then sneezes and fire shoots into the sky and disintegrates the clouds in its path
>When the dragon brings its head down to a new resting position his mouth is pointed at your house
>You look at the mane six
I’m mad.
>”So…” 
>Twilight nervously presses her hooves together 
>“Where is Fluttershy? Doesn’t she usually show up by now?”
>Ash begins to fall from the sky above and you cover your mouth
I sent her to a butterfly convention for a week.
>Twilight snaps
>”You did what?!”
>”Oh, is it Fluttershy’s birthday?” Pinkie gasps. “Oh no! I missed Fluttershy’s birthday.
>”I need a gift.” Pinkie grabs Rarity by the neck
>”I need you to giftwrap this dragon!”
>”But, darling, she hates dragons.”
>”I have to get her something!”
Can someone get this dragon out of here!
>”Hey” – Rainbow Dash flies towards you – “You can’t keep shouting like that! You’ll wake the dragon!”
Don’t tell me what to do, Dash!
>”But we lured him over here so he wouldn’t wake up and hurt anypony!”
Fucking what?!
>”Um, am I gonna use these apples for anything?” Applejack looks at her barrel full of apples, “Cause if we ain’t I’m gonna eat some. I’m hungry.”
>”You can’t, Applejack,” says Twilight. “We need that to fight the dragon if it gets too angry and attacks us.” 
Fucking apples? That’s how you’re going to get this dragon out of here?
>”No, Anon,” says Twilight. “That’s what Fluttershy was for!”
>”Yeah! What’s your bright idea?” asks Rainbow Dash. “How are you going to get the dragon out of here?”
I just woke up!
>The dragon roars and slowly begins to pick its massive body up
>”You faggots,” his voice is booming, “Are noisier than the active volcano I was sleeping in earlier.”
>He stands up and looks down at all of you 
So… are you going to leave now?
>”Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you.”
Well, yeah. I mean – 
>”I was just fucking with you, dude.”
>His enormous wings open up and bring shade to all of you
>”Peace.”
>He flaps once and the gust of wind from his wings blows you all away like a hurricane blast
>Your house gets blown to splinters by the force of the wind from his wings
>He scraws and then takes off into the air
>Except for Rainbow Dash all of you land in a tree 
>You glare at the ponies 
>”We are very sorry,” says Twilight
Sorry does not bring my home owner’s insurance back.
>Fluttershy kept stealing those bills to see if stealing mail was your fetish.
>”Aw, don’t be mad, Nonny. I can bake you a cake.”
>”I can make you a new wardrobe.”
>”I can give you apples.”
>”I won’t interrupt you if you try to sing again.”
No! I just want to go sit in the remains of my house and be miserable.
>”Anon!”
>You look into the distance
>”Anon! I freed them!”
>Off in the distance you can see a mass of tiny flittering insects and a pegasus leading them
>”I brought you all of the butterflies to see if they are your fetish!”
>The little winged creatures fill up the sky above
>They begin landing all over the trees
>The ponies are in awe of the wonderful creatures, except for Pinkie Pie, who ran out of the tree the second she saw Fluttershy and began doing what she called a dragon call 
>One of the butterflies lands on your nose
>”Oh, look everypony,” says Fluttershy. “One of them landed on Anon’s nose. Anon, do you have a boner? Does that turn you on?”
Can they rebuild houses?
>”I don’t think so.”
Then I hate them.
>You really wish Fluttershy would stop brining large quantities of animals to you


c6

>What a day this has been so far
>You don't see what is so special about your eighteenth birthday
>So what if you're technically an adult mare now? You don’t feel like an adult, and you don’t feel different
>You're still timid ol' Fluttershy, "Never Going to Fuck a Guy," as the other girls at school used to say
>In fact, if this day is anything to go by there’s nothing special about your eighteenth birthday at all; it’s just a good way to highlight one of your faults
>You can’t even enjoy yourself on this birthday like you could on the other ones, because everypony is focused on one thing
>Speaking of that, you've had to chase off all of your friends today, too (Rainbow will be back though, you're sure of it)
>They all wanted to take you out to the clubs to see the stallions strip
>But you just aren't into that
>Pinkie shouldn't even be doing that anyway. She's a year younger than you for pony's sake
>You check your mail and see that you got the usual birthday cards from relatives
>And a package from your aunt Femmesly
>You throw it on the table and swallow nervously
>Femmesly was always the "wild" one in the family
>She usually doesn't even send you anything on your birthdays
>What could be in the package?
>You open it and smell plastic
>Inside the box are an assortment of toys... yes, those kinds of toys
>B-but you only know that because Rarity told you about them
>You look at the card on the package and it reads, 'Didn't know if you had a stallion or not, but just in case.'
>You sigh and think of what you could possibly do with these… besides the obvious
>No, you’re probably going to have to get rid of these before somepony sees them
>Just then you hear a knock on your door and you quickly hide the box
>That's most likely Rainbow Dash at your door, here to try and get you to go out with her to the Sultry Stallion club tonight, again
>This whole day you've been chided about your inexperience with stallions 
>Everypony seems to think that you're lying when you tell them that you just aren't ready yet
>What's the big deal anyway?
>You just don't understand it
>You open the door and are greeted by some kind of tall, bipedal monkey. He's hunched down so that he can see you
>"Nice place you got here."
>Such a deep voice. Probably a male
>He smiles and holds his hand out to you
>"My name is Anonymous. I'm your new neighbor."
>This must be that human Twilight was talking about last week
>He's stunning
>You hold out a trembly hoof and he grabs it suddenly, which makes you "eep"
>"Oh, you alright?" 
>He lets go, stands up and backs away a bit
>"Sometimes I forget that you ponies like to bump hooves instead of shake. It's something I used to do back home."
>He's so big... he grabbed your hoof so eagerly... that smile of his is gorgeous
>"I didn't get your name."
>He laughs and you laugh as well, but feebly
I'm Shy. 
>"Um, shy?"
Y-yeah, but - wait, no. 
>How can you be such a dope?
My name is Fluttershy
>"Oh, that's your name. I thought you were telling me you were shy."
>He laughs again, but then apologizes
>"Sorry, I really shouldn't laugh."
>Oh dear, he's uncomfortable
No. It's okay. Really.
>You should think of something to try and explain your situation
>After all, you don't want to be known as the "awkward neighbor" while he lives next to you
>You should try to explain that you used to be very shy when you met new ponies, but that you are better now, and that he just caught you off guard with his forwardness
>He just grabbed you. Oh, thinking about it makes your heart jump
>That won't be awkward, right? You need to stress that you don't find what he did wrong
>You smile at him and ignore your hot shoulders
>Make him feel welcome
I'm sorry. I used to be very shy, but I'm much better about it now.
>"Aw jeez, and I just grabbed your hoof like that. I'm really sorry."
No, it's okay. 
>"Oh, good. I was worried you were going to think I was a freak."
Not at all. 
>He smiles
I actually like you a lot.
>Anonymous looks at the ground and laughs
>Ponyfeathers! Why did you say that?
>"You're too sweet to me. Thanks."
Y-you too.
>"Well, I hate to leave so soon but I got work to get ready for."
>He's leaving... What if it was you that drove him away?
>Oh, you can't let him leave with a negative opinion of you
>Stop him!
Don't leave.
>...
>Literally the worst way you could've gone about doing that
>But he just chuckles in that sweet way you really like
I mean, where do you work?
>"At a... club."
>You'd make a guess as to which club that could be, but the only name you know is the Sultry Stallion
>And haven't you embarrassed yourself enough already?
>Still though, a mare can dream
>"I got to go. I'll see you later."
>Before you can say anything he's jogging back to his house
>And you're too busy watching his butt to move
>Oh yeah, a mare can dream about that alright
>After Anonymous leaves you eagerly uncover that box of toys
>You eye them like they are a great treasure
>Maybe you shouldn't be too quick to dismiss a gift on your birthday
>You grab the green one and see that it needs batteries
>Why would it need batteries?
>You grab a different toy that already had batteries and turn it on
>It begins to buzz and vibrate and you drop it on the floor
>So, you're supposed to use that on your...
>You begin to frantically open all of your electronic devices to find some batteries

Fluttershy!
>You loudly knock again
Open up! You're going out on your birthday!
>"Rainbow Dash, I don't think she's going to answer us," says Twilight
>Twilight might have a point
>Fluttershy has all of her doors locked, all of her windows shut, and all of her curtains drawn down
>"You can't force this on her, Dash. Look at the lengths she has gone to just to keep us out."
>You groan
Fluttershy can't just close herself away from boys forever. I'm not leaving until she comes down here.
>"Come on, let her have her tea parties while she still can." 
>You scoff
That's the problem though. She's probably in there talking with her stuffed animals right now like some kind of filly.
>"Oh yeah!" The two of you hear from her cottage. "Stuff me, Anonymous!"
>The two of you stand in awkward silence after that... that is until you can hear the faint screaming of Fluttershy
>Well, now you know Fluttershy has a crush... but you feel sick instead of proud
>"I don't think she knows we're down here."
>Your eye twitches
>"She sounds... busy. Definitely not having a tea party."
Let's leave.
>"I thought you said you weren't going to leave until -"
Shut up.


c7

>You're at a café eavesdropping on a conversation Flutterrapist is having with Twilight
>Fucking Twilight is always an enabler of Fluttershy's bullshit, so you're bound to hear something
>Twilight gives Fluttershy a bag
>"So this is really going to work?" asks Fluttershy
>"Of course," says Twilight. "Just point that ray-gun at his pants and they'll disappear into thin air."
>You fucking knew it
>"It won't hurt him, will it?" asks Fluttershy
>"Not at all. It may give him cancer, but his advanced-human-healing powers should take care of that."
>Maybe the health segment of your initial research interviews with Twilight was not the best category to tell egregious, but cool, lies about yourself
>"How are you going to go about this, Fluttershy?"
>"I'll approach him all casual like, and then, I'll distract him with some string."
>"String?"
>"Sure. Humans love string. Anon told me that."
>You giggle as Twilight writes that in her notes
>"Then when his pants are gone I'll suck his dick and he'll fall in love with me."
>”Alright, but be careful. You know how dangerous Anon’s penis can be from my notes.”
>You get up to leave along with a disgruntled family covering the ears of their little filly
>You think you know of a way to stop Fluttershy's plans
>”Mint, sir?” asks the maître d as you leave
No. I hate mints. Besides, the path to fresh breath is not paved on mints alone.
>”In due time then, sir.”
>You stand outside and wait for Fluttershy
>Fluttershy exits the café and approaches you all casual like
>"Hi there, Anon."
Hey.
>She pulls a piece of string out of her saddlebag and tosses it away from you
>"Isn't it a nice day? Doesn't it make you want to play with string?"
No. But my fetish is chewing gum.
>"Really?! Fuck the small talk then."
Here have some.
>You give her a stick of gum and she greedily chews it up
>She then turns around and lifts her tail up
Not yet. You need more.
>She eagerly nods and you give her another stick
>And another
>And another 
>Then you give her handfuls of Big League Chew
>She is happy to accept your balls... of gum
>Pretty soon her cheeks are absolutely stuffed and she can barely speak
>In fact her mouth looks like a big leaking pile of rubber
>Somehow, with red cheeks and teary eyes, she still smiles
>She turns around and raises her tail
>You pretend to notice the string for the first time
Oh shit! Is that string?
>Now you're pretending to be enraptured with the string while she waits for you to gum and gunk up her gash
>But you're too busy playing with the string 
Fucking string, man.
>Fluttershy uses her ray gun to make your pants disappear and now you're exposed
>Underwear is for nerds
>She tries to suck your dick, but she can't open her mouth; it is now gummed shut
>You laugh at her
I knew all about your plan you stupid banana horse. Gum isn't actually my fetish. I just wanted to keep your mouth busy.
>She looks shocked and you keep laughing in her face
Good luck sucking my dick now.
>She squints at your dick with determination
>Her wings extend, her head trembles, her face clenches up
>Slowly you hear the gum parting as she forces her mouth open
>Before you can react she wraps her lips around your cock in a vice-grip
What the fuck?! Get off of me!
>You try to pull her off but her mouth is stuck on your dick
>God, you can feel the saliva running down your thigh
>You can feel her tongue trying to push through the gum to get to your cock
Dammit! You better not be stuck on my dick.
>You try to pull her off again but she just pushes her head forward when you do
>It actually feels kind of good though, so you quickly stop before you get a boner
>Too bad Fluttershy caught on though
>She begins pushing and pulling on your dick herself
S-stop it.
>She shakes her head no and you shudder in fright and pleasure
>All this movement is enough to turn you on
>Surprisingly the slimy gum wad starts to heat up as Fluttershy's breathing increases
>Her eyes turn up in ecstasy 
>You get hard from the friction alone and you cover your face in shame
>Fluttershy's muffled moans of pleasure are actually turning you on when you aren't looking though
>Your cock begins to twitch and you can feel your orgasm impending
>Instinctively you grab Fluttershy's mane and help her "suck" your dick
>With a deep gasp you climax into the little gum pocket that your dick is stuck in
>Your legs are sore and the climax only made your knees weak
>You put your hands on Fluttershy's withers and lean on her to support yourself
I hate you so much, Fluttershy.
>She brushes her soft wing on your cheek 
>"Are you two done yet?"
>There's a police pony standing near you
>The two of you end up in jail together, still stuck in the same sticky position
>Fluttershy got to suck your dick for days until one day you eventually pulled the gum out of her mouth
>You had to go the hospital to get the big ball removed from your crotch; you had to confess to Twilight that human dicks are not actually capable of producing and ejecting porcupine quills along the shaft when threatened
>Fluttershy still has that big ball of gum displayed in her house proudly
>It stinks and is covered in semen
>You are now a mint man


c8

>Boy, what a day you’ve had! And how nice it is to be home!
>You eased into a chair, contented and relaxed.
>Now that you were home you were planning on having a nice, relaxing dinner, just so you can wind down. 
>This whole day made you feel tense, and it wasn’t even because you had a hard day at work or anything like that. 
>It was just because you were anxious about Fluttershy. She usually comes in the mornings, but this time she didn’t come, and you kept expecting her to show up and bother you at any moment. 
>It put you on edge all day. But now you’re home, and you’re ready to have a nice, relaxing—
>Just then you heard someone knocking on your chamber door, and it interrupted your thoughts. 
>You sighed a long and weary sigh. Of course she’d come just when you were getting ready to do something. 
>You opened the door, a question as to where she has been all day on your lips when, suddenly, you heard a familiar but unexpected voice:
>“Hi, Nonny!”
>It was Pinkie Pie. 
>But what was she doing here at this time? 
>And why did she have a check holder?
>And why was she dressed up in a cheap tux that looked like it was stolen from a waiter? 
>All of these were good questions, but experience on interacting with Pinkie dictated that they would all have to be inferred through the context of her actions alone.
>If you had asked her any of those questions, you would have just gotten a non-sequitur as an answer.
>“Well aren’t you a lucky duck,” she said as she looked in her check holder (which you could see was full of sparkly stickers). 
>“It says here that you have a table for two reserved with us.”
Pinkie, what the hell are you—
>“Right this way, please,” she said as she moved aside and directed a dinner cart—Wait, dinner cart?
>“Coming through,” you heard another familiar but unexpected voice say.
>Applejack, wearing a chef’s hat, was approaching you with a dinner cart. 
>There was a large, covered silver platter on top. 
>She went noisily over the lip of your door, but she ran into you because you would not move for her.
>“Anon, you mind moving so I can get this here cart in the chow room?”
Nope. Not today.
>You tried to push the cart back, but Applejack was surprisingly strong for a three-foot-tall pony.
Come on, Applejack, I was looking forward to some relaxation before you all showed up.
>“Now come on, Anon, you say that like we’re being a bother.”
I wonder why, you said ironically.
>“Anon, we’re just trying to give you, our good friend, a treat. Is there anything wrong with that?”
>“Yeah, is this how you treat your friends whenever they try to do something nice?” asked Pinkie.
Don’t give me any of that, you said hotly. You’re only doing this—whatever the hell this is—because Fluttershy asked you to. 
>“Yeah, well, how’d you know that?” asked Applejack.
Because this whole situation is fucking ridiculous, that’s how I know that!
>“Well, don’t go thinking that you’re such a perceptive fella yet, Anon,” she said slyly.
>A feeling of dread came over you when she said that.
What are you talking about?
>“I ain’t saying nothing,” said Applejack.
>You turned to Pinkie, but she made a gesture that effectively said ‘Ditto.’
Come on now, Pinkie, you said at length. Do friends really keep secrets from other friends?
>This seemed to discompose her. She began thinking, her countenance grave, and Applejack looked at her worriedly.
>“Pinkie, what are you thinking about?” she asked.
>Pinkie began to sweat profusely; her cheeks puffed out, as if she were holding back some explosive words on her tongue.
>“Pinkie, we haven’t gotten the signal yet,” she said hurriedly.
She’s going to pop, you said confidently. There’s nothing you can do now.
>Pinkie’s harried eyes looked around for some kind of salvation, but none was in sight. 
>She caught only the worried eyes of Applejack, and to those eyes she said, “I’m sorry,” with very strained words. 
>She took in a deep breath. Applejack screamed at her to stop before it was too late, before she ruined everything. 
>You watched all this, very satisfied, until Pinkie began blowing the wettest, sloppiest, flappiest raspberry that you’ve ever been witness to. 
>Then she started giggling, and Applejack did as well. You were reasonably confused.
>“Wow, I really had him going, huh?” Pinkie said to Applejack.
>“Yep,” she responded. “You said it.”
>They looked at you. You eyed them both suspiciously, but they combated you with happy faces.
You were just distracting me, weren’t you. 
>“We did a pretty good job, didn’t we?” Applejack said.
But why?
>Just then you heard the ding of your microwave go off in your kitchen, and a feeling of grief overcame you when you realized that you hadn’t locked your kitchen door that day.
You bastards! I can’t believe you tricked me, you said in disbelief.
>“Aw, don’t feel too bad, Nonny,” Pinkie said sympathetically. She continued: 
>“If it makes you feel any better, you never had a chance. Not with me, anyway. Because I’m the best distracter there ever was. I’m so good that I even distract myself sometimes.”
>You left them and headed towards the kitchen. But as you passed the dining room something caught your eye and you stopped. 
>Your table had been decorated while you were being distracted by Pinkie and Applejack, and all with ornaments that were not your own. 
>There was a golden candelabra in the middle of the table. It held a dozen candles, and they were all lit.
>On opposite sides of the candelabra were two bouquets of bright roses. And on both sides of the table two places were set on opposite ends so the diner guests could face each other. 
>The places were set with fine white china that had gold lines on the surface. And all of this was placed on top of a violet tablecloth with frilly gold trim. 
>It was all very romantic, and when you went to the table, so you could remove all of it, a manic voice screamed at you to halt.
>Out from the kitchen trotted Rarity; she jumped in between you and the table and she had such a frenzied look in her eye that you instinctively took a step back. 
>“Do not touch,” she said as she menacingly approached you. “Do not mess. Do not disturb. Do not even think of touching or messing or disturbing!”
Rarity, what the hell is your problem? 
>Your voice was meeker than you wanted, but it seemed to calm Rarity down. 
>You heard another ding noise come from the kitchen, and you wanted to go in there, but you were wary of moving at all, lest you set off Rarity again. 
>She took a deep breath and made some ‘re-centering’ motions.
>“Terribly sorry, Anonymous,” she said. “You see, I had just finished when I saw you approaching my work with those grabby fingers of yours and, well, I sort of”—she cleared her throat—“overreacted.”
>Understatement, but you’ll let her have it. She turned to admire her work.
>“It really is a lovely scene, if I do say so myself. Why, I think that this could rival even some of the dining rooms of the Canterlot nobles. And when you consider how little time I had to create such a—”
>“Is the chow room ready?” you heard Applejack ask from behind you. Her words elicited some ‘harrumph’ type noises to come from Rarity, but she begrudgingly confirmed that:
>“Yes, the dining room has been elegantly decorated.”
>“That’s great,” said Applejack as she bumped you with the cart—Oh great, now it’s in your house!
>“Um, Anon, you mind moving your caboose so I can get through?”
>Luckily Rarity had backed you into the doorframe, so Applejack couldn’t get past you to the dining room. 
>Just then Rainbow Dash came flying in from the kitchen. 
>She was wincing and holding something wrapped in napkins in her hooves; and the apron she was wearing read:
>‘If you’re Allergic to Awesome Then Don’t Eat Anything I’m Making!’
>“Hot Pockets are done,” she said as she unwrapped them and placed them on the plates.
Dash, what the hell—	
>“You’re probably wondering what this is all about, right?” she said as she gestured to the plate.
Yes. Thank God that someone is listening to me.
>“Well, I’ll tell you.”
>She flew next to you and then motioned for you to place your ear by her mouth so she could tell you a secret. You checked your confusion and did so.
>“I keep them in the refrigerator,” she said.
What?
>She grinned at you. “The Hot Pockets,” she said as she gestured to the plate again. 
>“That’s how I’m able to cook them so fast. I keep them in the fridge, not the freezer.”
Who gives a shit!
>“What’s your problem?” she asked. “I thought you wanted to know.”
My fucking problem is that—
>But you stopped when Applejack started bumping you with the cart again.
>“Anon, this is the millionth time I’ve asked, but would you please move so I can put this in the chow room?”
>You turned on her fiercely.
No! Dammit, stop telling me to move in my own house!
>Applejack flinched. An uncomfortable silence filled the room, until Rarity cleared her throat.
>“There was no need for such an overreaction, Anonymous.”
>“Yeah,” Pinkie agreed as she pushed her way through your legs, “it’s not like she didn’t say please.”
>You hold your head, feeling a headache coming on, and you chastise yourself for ever having even hoped that you would have a nice and relaxing evening all to yourself. 
>Really, you should know better by now. 
>As a good gesture to Applejack, you let her come in with the dinner cart.
I’m sorry, you said. I’m just feeling a bit frustrated, and confused, and irritable—Which is all your guys’ fault, by the way.
>“Well, then let us help you, darling,” said Rarity.
>“Yeah,” said Rainbow Dash, “now that everything is all set up we can finally start the show.”
>“Good,” said Pinkie with relief; “because I’ve been waiting for this to happen this whole time.”
>“Let me ask you something, Anon,” Applejack said, as she grabbed the lid covering the platter; “do you know what you need after a long day of working?”
What I need is a vicious dog out front to keep you all away, you replied.
>“I’d just fly over it,” Dash said smugly. 
>You wanted to be done with all this, so you ignored her and told Applejack to continue.
>“Anon, after a long day of working hard”—she lifted the tray up—“you need something to eat.”
>And there was Fluttershy, smiling and spread eagle before you on a silver platter. Her eyes directed you shyly to her aroused pussy, the juices gleaming on the silver, and she said:
>“I hope you’re hungry.”
>A firm grimace formed on your face. You looked at them all.
You bastards, you said lowly.
>Unperturbed, they continued.
>“Go on and dig in,” said Applejack. “Don’t mind us.”
>“Yeah,” said Pinkie, “hurry up and eat it before it gets cold.”
You bastards.
>Slowly, silently, the mood of the party shifted from anticipation to fret.
>“It’s not working,” said Rainbow Dash. “I told you all we should’ve let them eat the Hot Pockets first.”
>“Let’s not rush to conclusions,” said Rarity. “I believe that, with a little encouragement, we can see this through to its full course.
>“Fluttershy, dear,” she said helpfully, “remember what we discussed.”
>Fluttershy’s face lit up and you stood there, unamused, as she placed some fresh parsley just above her winking button.
>She smiled at you.
>“Bon appetite,” she said.

>A dinner cart, carrying on top of it five unruly, screaming ponies, came careering out from your house, whereupon it traveled forward with reckless abandon until, hitting a rock, it flipped over and sent the ponies on top flying.
>You wiped your hands and shut the door.
That takes care of that. I’m just glad the purple one wasn’t with them this time.
>Just then you heard the beginning of a romantic air being played on an accordion, and a bass voice began singing:
>~Dear lady that sings of love
>~Do not sing of love that’s gone;
>~But sing of love that has always been
>~Before you travel on.
>But then the singing stopped suddenly. 
>You went in the kitchen and found Spike there, holding his outstretched accordion limply and looking very confused.
I kicked them out, you said plainly.
>“Oh,” he said.
>He stood there, his claws running across the keys of the accordion unsurely.
You can keep singing, if you want.
>He lit up at this and began performing a polka waltz. 
>You were tired when you thought about your life and everything in it. 
>For it was only Monday, but you knew that you would see some of them again tomorrow, and that you would need to deal with them, again; 
>and, somehow, you also knew, just by looking at it, that that Hot Pocket that you were going to eat was cold in the middle.


c9

>Day of the secret admirer in Equestria
>And you thought you were going to spend Hearts and Hooves alone
>Today is the day you meet the mystery pony
>For about a week someone has been knocking on your door in the mornings and evenings and leaving you love notes
>All written on pink scrolls with hearts on them
>They're all filled with flattering things, complementing your body and your shiny teeth
>It feels great whenever someone notices that you've been brushing
>The last note you got said that she’d stop by to meet you in the morning
>You get dressed up in a suit and wait at the door
>All you know is that the pony is a Pegasus, since one of the notes had a specific fantasy written down
>'I want you kiss me when I open my wings. To take me by surprise; the same way you took me.'
>Yeah, don't want to miss a second of this
>There's a knock at your chamber door
>This is it
>Open the door
>Standing there is Princess Celestia
>What the actual fuck?!
>"Good morning, Anonymous. You look nice when you're all cleaned up, and not covered in scorch marks and stardust."
>The original teleportation to Equestria was messy
>Celestia slyly smiles, "So, Luna has told me all about this secret admirer of yours. I hope that was okay."
>Man, a fucking princess is in love with you
>She must be loaded out the butthole
Uh, that's fine. I'm meeting her right now
>"Oh, how exciting."
>Celestia laughs and then hums with her eyes half-lidded
>Her wings open
>"Anonymous..." she moans
>Oh man, she’s horny
>A scroll magically appears before her out of thin air; it's covered in hearts
>This is it
>She just revealed herself
>You close your eyes and spring forward and press your lips against hers
>"Anon!" a foreign voice calls
>You open your eyes
>Celestia is looking down at you like a deer in the headlights
>There's a huge blush forming over her white cheeks
>She hums, awkwardly, and her eyes wander
>You break the kiss
>"Uh..." Celestia is at a loss for words
>Hear some sniffling from behind her
>Look and see Fluttershy is standing there, holding some flowers and another note; hearts on it
Um...
>Fluttershy runs away crying
>Celestia puts a hoof to her lips
>"Oh dear..."
I thought...
>"I wasn't…"
I, um, I know now. You used the same stationary as her
>"I was just... oh no. I just don’t know."
You moaned
>”No. I mean, I’m sorry. That was a yawn.”
>Well great
>You hurt Fluttershy's feelings and embarrassed the princess of all the lands
>Better take some responsibility
>Unless!
Can you send me to the moon for about a year?
>Only her eyes move to acknowledge you, and her stare is piercing
I guess that’s a no
>Nothing; it’s like she’s in shock
I’m really sorry
>She blinks and regains composure a bit
>"I'll give you some time. Oh, I can’t believe I screwed this up.”
>She teleports away
>Now you're faced with the very uncomfortable task of talking to a heartbroken Fluttershy
>You've never needed a drink more
>You really didn’t think your admirer was going to be
>Fucking Fluttershy
>Why was Celestia here anyway?

>You arrive back at the castle in a daze
>”Sister! Sister, how did it go?
>”Did he like the note? Why do you still have the note?
>Your eye twitches
>”You chickened out, didn’t you. Oh sister, what possessed you to do such a thing?
>You looked like a complete fool
>”Was the task really so intimidating? When you left you were so full of ease, and now you look as though you are facing the armies of Tartarus.”
>If Luna keeps pushing it you’re going to snap
>”Sister, what is causing you such distress? I trusted you; stayed up all last night with you going over the plans, and –“
If You Don’t Shut Up I’ll Send You To The Moon Again!
>You crumple the scroll with your magic
You Can Take Your Note To Him Yourself Next Time!
>You turn the scroll into a fireball and toss it into your sister’s mane
>She runs towards the bathroom as the flames engulf her head
>Stupid shy Luna
>Had to get cold hooves right before her big reveal
>Who could have guessed that there would be two admirers?
>She’s the one who should’ve looked a fool in front of Anonymous and 
>Fucking Fluttershy


c10

>Cooking breakfast today had been interrupted by a knocking on your chamber door
>You pursed your lips and set the burners to low
>Fluttershy had been annoying you all week with her fetishes
>She called it Weiner Week or something else that was equally vulgar and stupid
>At least it was over
>You opened the door to see Pinkie Pie
>And with that unexpected hump in your routine morning visitors, and following the sight of Pinkie’s distraught eyes and her frown like an overturned boat, you checked your scowl
>A look of concern came to you instead
What are you doing here? Is something wrong?
>“I really, really need your help,” she said.
>You nodded halfway before, turning around, she raised her plot in the air and moved her tail to the side
>Your nervous eyes trailed up her back until you caught her looking over her shoulder at you
>“Don’t just stare!” she said with reddening cheeks
What do you expect me to do? you said indignantly
>She groaned and fixed her gaze forward, and then gave her rump a push towards you
>“You can stare on your own time,” she said. “Right now I want you to really get your fingers in there—”
What!
>You slammed the door and locked it behind you
>Christ. Just what you needed, another pervert coming to harass you every morning
>She started pounding on the door and shouting at you to let her in
>“This is an emergency.”
Pinkie, go away.
>“No,” she said firmly. “I want you to come out here and scratch my flank and thighs to pieces. And I want you to do it now.”
You can do that yourself. Go away.
>Just then the sound of hooves trotting away came from outside, and you took a step away from the door
>Only for the sound of loud thuds, charging and barreling in your direction—
>The front window by your door shattered and a pink projectile curled up into a ball got caught in the curtains, eventually pulling them down to the floor once the rod bent and snapped out of the wall
>You stared in shock at the broken glass and at the bundle of curtains, which unraveled to reveal a determined pair of blue eyes staring at you
>“Scratch. My. Ass.”
>You took a step back, and she rose off of the floor slowly
>“Scratch my flanks.” 
You’re crazy. You’re out of your fucking mind.
>She turned around and, moving her tail aside, started walking backwards towards you
>“Scratch my cheeks and thighs to heck and back.”
>You ran to the kitchen. She followed
>“Scratch me!”
No!
>You pushed over chairs for her to trip on but she jumped over them
>She ran across your counter, knocking over pots and pans with her rear end
>Until she jumped off, and landed stomach-first on top of your head
>She wrapped her arms around the back of your head and firmly planted her legs on your shoulders
>As you tried to pry her off, you tripped and fell backwards over one of the chairs
>You landed on top of all kinds of cookware, and Pinkie got off of you sometime while you were writhing in pain on the floor
>“I didn’t mean to hurt you, really,” she said as she rubbed your leg affectionately.
>“It’s just that I spilled itching powder all over my back end, and it itches like crazy, and I can’t find Spike. So. . .”
>You sat up, without pain
Is that really what all this fuss was over?
>She nodded sadly
>“Are you mad at me?”
>You looked around at the mess in the kitchen and sighed heavily
>Fluttershy had left you worse off before
>And you were mostly relieved if anything, knowing that she was not going to join Fluttershy’s rape crusade
I’m not mad, you said to her with a smile.
>“You mean it?”
Of course I mean it.
>“Well then. . .”
>She turned around and displayed her rump pleadingly to you, but also with some self-consciousness in her tiny smile
>Tentatively, you grazed your fingers across the side of her thigh
>“Harder.”
>You looked to her. She was starting to sweat
>Her front hooves were dancing anxiously on the floor
What?
>“You really need to give it to me good,” she said. “I got major ants-in-the-pants right now.”
Right, you said a bit uncertainly.
>“And don’t stop,” she said, fixing her gaze forward again. “Don’t stop no matter how loud I get.”
>What?

>Fluttershy was skipping and humming down the road to your house 
>She had six red roses in a bouquet
>Last week was a hard week for you, she recognized
>“I just hope he understands how much I appreciate his patience,” she said, thinking aloud. 
>“And I hope that he likes these roses,” she said as she studied their delicate petals, and then took one of them in her mouth to nibble on.
>“They’re certainly some of the best-tasting ones I’ve ever had.”
>Just then as your house was coming into view, she heard what sounded like a very loud moan
>“Oh yes!” she heard from in your house. “Those fingers! Oh my gosh!”
>Wasn’t that Pinkie’s voice? What was she doing there?
>Fluttershy felt an investigative mood overtaking her, so she hovered slightly above ground so no one would hear her coming
>She heard more guttural moaning, heavy breathing, and screaming
>“That’s the spot! That feels so good! I can’t take it! Don’t stop!”
>Fluttershy felt an assault of colors then as her cheeks turned red, her eyes turned green, and her heart turned blue
>She threw her roses to the wind and left the other way with bitter tears in her eyes

>“And to top it all off, I found some roses by the side of the road. They were delicious!
>“So if you ever need to be scratched,” Pinkie was addressing her friends, “and Spike isn’t around—then he’s your ticket.”
>“Sure sounds like it,” Applejack said, feeling some embarrassment for her friend
>“I’ll say,” Rainbow said, snickering. “You know the whole town could hear you two, right?”
>“Oh,” said Pinkie, scrunching her muzzle and then breaking out in a giggling fit
>“Well if you feel the relief, don’t hold back the belief,” said Pinkie. “That’s my motto.”
>“Agreed,” said Rarity, raising a glass of punch.
>“I’m kind of confused,” said Twilight. “How did you get itching powder all over yourself again?”
>“Yeah,” said Rainbow. “What were you doing, bathing in it?”
>Pinkie and Rainbow shared a laugh, and during that laugh Pinkie reached over and put her arm around Rainbow’s shoulder
>“Oh, Dashie,” she said. Then, bringing her close so she could whisper into her ear, she whispered somberly:
>“Some regions of the heart are shaded for a reason.”
>She parted from Dash’s ear and brought the table back to ease with a large bout of laughter, while Dash eyed her own reflection in her cup of cider soberly as if lost in thought
>“Another thing,” said Twilight. “Has anypony seen Fluttershy lately? She was supposed to come by this morning, but she never showed up.”
>“I went to her house to ask her to lunch,” said Pinkie, “but she wouldn’t answer the door.”
>“Pinkie, I wouldn’t put it past her,” said Applejack, “if she probably heard you waking up the whole town this morning and just decided to stay home.”
>Just then the door to the Hayburger opened and they saw Fluttershy coming in
>Her eyes were trained to the ground, and they looked busy as if going over something in her head
>But when Pinkie called her over and she turned and caught sight of them sitting there, her gaze locked onto them and her ears went back
>Her bottom lip trembled and she ran out of the restaurant, sobbing quietly and hiding her sadness behind her mane
>The friends at the table all exchanged concerned looks
>“What was that all about?” Pinkie asked


c11

>Day of the magic trick in Equestria
>You're on your lunch break
>Sitting down and eating, you wait for the inevitable to occur
>Your rapist will be coming around the corner any minute now
>She thinks that if she impresses you then you'll fall in love with her
>But she gets pissed that, after months of trying, it hasn't worked yet
>Around the corner comes Fluttershy
>She smiles when she sees you, and you smile back and offer her a seat next to you
>"Oh, I didn't expect to find you here," she says after sitting down
I always eat lunch here.
>Fluttershy observes the tranquility of your spot
>There are ponies commuting on the street in front of you
>At the end of the street is the trickling fountain, where some children are chasing each other around its base
>"It is nice here—"
>"Be amazed!" says a voice from around the corner
>It is a voice that is inclined to announcement of its own presence, and it startles Fluttershy into grabbing your hand with her hoof for instinctive comfort as her eyes sneak the scene
>In a flash of blue smoke before you comes posed The Great and Powerful Trixie, donning her cloak and hat of stars and a charmingly conceited smile
>Which turns to a scowl upon seeing Fluttershy sidling up to you
>"Hey, hooves off of the guest of honor," she says as she scoots Fluttershy to the side with her magic
>Fluttershy turns to you
>"What's going on?"
>Unaffected by what was going on, because you had learned over time that event forthcoming were unavoidable; you ate some more and said:
You're just in time for the show.
>Trixie waves a dismissive hoof towards Fluttershy, as if saying, "You can stay if you're so inclined, but I am only begrudging you."
>She then turns to you with stars in her eyes
>"Today, the Great and Powerful Trixie—most masterful mare of magic there is—has prepared for you a trick so dazzling, so—"
>"Wow, a magic show," says a happy little boy, allured away from the fountain
>Others start gathering
>Fluttershy, wanting to move to you for comfort but also not feeling allowed to under Trixie's eyes, shakes in place
>Trixie scrunches her muzzle at the crowd, and then tries to wave them away
>"Get away! You are interrupting my monologue."
>Murmurs of confusion come to the crowd
>"She doesn't want us to see the trick."
>"It must be, like, a secret magic trick or something."
>"Now we have to see it."
>More ponies gather while Trixie trembles with anger, her cheeks puffed out and her nostrils blowing steam
>"Fine!" she says. "Watch if you feel inclined. But Trixie will not pick your jaws up off the floor for you afterwards."
>The crowd cheers and then they clop their hooves
>Fluttershy joins, feeling more comfortable to stand as a part of them than to be individual
>You just shake your head
>Trixie was amusing at first, but now she's just obnoxious
>She draws a crowd almost every day just because of how loud she is
>Her act of hating the attention is just a show to intrigue ponies
>You can see the small smirk on her face, that she's trying to hide by bowing under her hat
>Trixie gets on with the show while you begrudge her presence and try to finish your lunch
>Trixie asks to borrow a banana from the audience, and one of them plucks the one you were about to eat right out of your hand and gives it to her
>You try to ignore the smug look she's giving you
>She holds the banana before her with her magic
>"On the count of three," says Trixie, "I will make this banana disappear before your very eyes. And you will all be amazed by my powers."
>The crowd looks underwhelmed following the description, but they wait in anticipation anyway, all of them already been swayed by Trixie's confidence
>Trixie begins counting
>The eyes of the crowd fix to the banana
>Fluttershy, wracked by the suspense of the banana, has to look at your face every now and then to sustain herself
>You sigh heavily when Trixie shouts "Three!"
>The banana disappears, and then blue smoke explodes all around them, covering their senses instantly
>You know to hold your breath, but you hear coughing all around you
>"Behold!" shouts Trixie as the smoke clears
>And there she stands, banana-less and proud 
>But the crowd sees no reason for the air of glory she gives and expects
>Any unicorn could make a banana disappear
>Fluttershy looks to you, hoping to see some recognition on your face to guide her
>Instead her eyes cast down your body, and she begins blushing furiously
>"His pants are gone!" says a child in the crowd
>It's true: your pants are gone
>And at the head of you all is Trixie, pants in hoof and judging all with her confident smile
>You stand up before them, and the crowd looks to each other, then back to you
>And their surprise slowly unravels from their faces in the way fruit loses its peel, as they fall fit to peals of laughter at your expense
>Hooves point your way
>Ponies step forward only to fall to their sides or on their backs
>The children make each other laugh by covering their cutie marks with their tails, only to uncover them following dopey looks of shock
>You glare at Trixie
>She glares back, upon seeing yours
>“Are you not amazed?” She gestures to the crowd. “Look at all of the admirers I have brought you.”
Just shut up. I didn’t like it the first time you made my pants disappear, and I certainly don’t like it now that it’s happened for, like, the fiftieth time.
>You stomp away and ignore the laughter; and you are unaware that the banana had actually been moved to the front of your pants
>But Fluttershy, still blushing and watching you, saw it clearly in your underwear
>“Wow,” she breathed softly, biting her lip
>And later, when Trixie was signing autographs, she asked Trixie:
>"If you don't mind, do you think that maybe I could take some magic lessons from you?"


c12

>With a sigh you went to open the door, after hearing someone knock on it
>It was definitely Fluttershy. About a month ago, she confessed that she had feelings for you
>And she didn't take it well when you told her you weren't interested
>She started coming over every day in the mornings
>You opened the door. Fluttershy was there, and she had a gift basket full of fruit in her mouth
>She dropped it at your feet
>"I figured you were about to have breakfast,” she said, “so I thought I'd be a good friend and bring you something special."
>You took the basket quickly and held it behind you
Well, I'm glad you happened to be thinking of me, you lied.
>You then tried to retreat back inside, but she pushed her way in and blocked the door when you started to close it
>"I was thinking we could have breakfast together."
>She looked hopefully up at you
Don't think that's a good idea.
>She frowned
Sorry, you said awkwardly.
>You pushed on the door so that it squeezed her sides gently
I don't want to hurt you, so do you think you could move out the way now?
>She didn’t answer
Fluttershy?
>She looked up sharply at you
>"No."
Excuse me?
>"Listen mister," she said sternly, "I've been nothing but kind to you for weeks now, hoping you'd give me chance, and I'm starting to get tired of it."
Hey, I didn't tell you to—
>She pushed her way into your house
>"Don't talk," she shouted. "You're going to actually listen to me for once.
>"I've spent so much time trying to get you to notice me that it has affected the way I live, the way I think, the way I am."
>She turned to you with firm eyes
>"And something has to be done about it. I've tried being nice, but that hasn't worked, and you haven't been fair.
>"I'm sorry to say this," she said, taking a determined step forward
>"But I think that the time for nice Fluttershy has gone now."
>You listened to all of this, a bit annoyed and certainly confused
Look, do you want your fruit basket back?
>You held it out for her but she smacked it across the room
>"Trot on your fruit basket!"
>Expressionlessly, you turned from the fallen fruit on the other side of the room to her hardened face
Okay, I understand that you're upset. But what did that prove?
>She wasn't listening to you though, and you were starting to get worried that something was wrong with her
>"I've been thinking about you, day after day, night after lonely night, for far too long."
>With an irrational twitch in her eye, she spoke determinedly:
>"I need satisfaction. I need to feel loved.
>"I. Need. Results!"
>She sprang forward and, wrapping her arms around your thigh, started rubbing the length of her body on your leg
>She moaned loudly, and then, looking up at you, said:
>"Yeah. You like that, sweetie?"
>You furrowed your brow, unsure of what she was doing and how you should react
>She shook her head briefly
>"Don't be that way," she said, pressing her cheek to your leg. "Don't play the Quiet Game with me."
>Her rubbing became more intense, the friction making your thigh hot
>"One day you'll learn to like it, baby."
>She shuddered
>"Say my name.” 
>Seeing that your mouth was slightly open, she urged you further:
>“Do it."
>She licked your pants
>“Call me anything you want, but I want you to do it.”
What are you doing?
>Hearing the calm confusion of your voice, she stopped and looked up at you, her face flushed and her chest heaving from exerting herself
Are you okay?
>She blinked twice, watching you
Fluttershy?
>"Did you, um, feel anything?"
Well, yeah, you're wrapped around my leg.
>"Are you aroused?"
Why would I be aroused?
>Her jaw dropped and, after sputtering in her speech, she said incredulously:
>"Because I was raping you, of course!"
>Silence reigned for a moment, broken only by Fluttershy's growing embarrassment, and the tiny squeaks of her flustered panting
You were raping me?
>"Yes," she said. "Why, you didn't feel it?"
I don't think what you were doing counts as rape.
>She pouted sadly
>“But I was trying my best.”
>Then after a thought, you fixed your eyebrows down towards her
Wait. You were trying to rape me?
>Her confidence and assertive demeanor gone completely, she only stuttered nervously
>"Well . . . The thing is . . . I was . . . In the moment . . ."
Fluttershy, what the hell! You were going to rape me!
>"I thought you'd come around to it."
>You picked her up by the scruff of her neck and carried her to the door
>"I was only going to rape you a little—"
>You tossed her out the front and slammed the door
And you can forget about getting your fruit basket back, you screamed
>“Okay,” she sighed. “Same time tomorrow, then?”
>You shrugged and walked away, wary of her intentions but confident in her lack of ability to carry them out
>On the bright side, at least she took that rejection better than the first one


c13

>"Move those hips, mister," Pinkie goads you. "Come on already."
I'm coming! I'm coming!
>You race up the stairs, after tripping whilst trying to keep up with Pinkie, who can somehow hop up them without falling on her ass.
>You meet her at the top of the stairs.
>"Why don't we go to my bedroom now," she says in a certain tone.
Sure, you say with a shrug.
>You follow her into her bedroom.
>"Sorry there aren't a lot of places to sit down," she says while rubbing her face. "We may have to improvise a little."
>She keeps raising her eyebrows at you for some reason. You're not sure why.
>All you know is that it’s your birthday and Pinkie definitely wants to surprise you. So you’re just playing along.
It looks like there's plenty of room on your bed.
>Her eyebrows stop.
>"Oh, yeah," she says slowly.
>You sit at the edge of her bed.
>"Good choice," she says, perking up. "There are plenty of things we can do on the bed."
Really? What are we going to do on the bed, Pinkie Pie?
>She giggles into her hoof.
>"Let's make a cream pie."
In the bedroom?
>She saunters up to you and, stopping at your waist, bends her head down between your legs, further, until she reaches under the bed and pulls out a pie tin.
>"I've got a mini kitchen under my bed," she says as she pulls out all kinds of utensils and ingredients.
>"They're there for whenever I get—"she looks up at you and raises an eyebrow"—in the mood."
Oh? you say, not sure what she means by 'in the mood'.
>Maybe she means hungry.
>She dips her hoof in a bowl of cream and, raising the dollop to her mouth, sucks on the tip of her hoof until the cream is gone.
>Her lips move following satisfied moans, and then she looks at you.
>"Wow. I just love the taste of thick cream."
>She licks her lips and shows you her teasing stained tongue.
>"If you know what I mean."
I think I do, you say slowly.
>She leans towards you, nodding eagerly.
Can I have some?
>She blinks slowly.
>"I guess so," she says, handing you the bowl.
>You taste the cream while Pinkie, thinking for a moment, hops to the other side of the room and goes into her closet.
>"So I heard it was someone's birthday today," she says.
Sure is.
>"Well, everypony should get a special surprise on their birthday," she says.
>You hear some rustling and what sounds like tape being unrolled from behind the closet door.
>You play along, asking rhetorically:
Pinkie, did you bring me over for any specific reason?
>"Maybe I did," she intones.
>After a while the rustling stops, and Pinkie says:
>"Hey, could you come in here for a sec? I think I need you to hold something."
>You get up, walk to the closet door, hear the stifled giggles from Pinkie behind it, and then open it to reveal your surprise.
>Pinkie Pie, her groin wrapped all over in red ribbon, is turned away from you; but her warm rear, wiggling in anticipation, is pointed towards your waist.
>"Happy birthday!" she says, looking over her shoulder at you.
>You stand still in fixed confusion.
>Pinkie turns back around and, arching her back more, says:
>"Go ahead and open your present."
>You almost said that there was no present, until you noticed that your wandering eyes were burning heavily on Pinkie's red curvy cheeks.
>You're not really sure what to do here, though. It almost seems like Pinkie is trying to seduce you.
>But that would be crazy. The two of you were just about to eat.
>This must be a misunderstanding.
Pinkie, where's my present?
>"What?" she says after a moment.
>You feel your face heating up from awkwardness.
Well, it's just that you're all wrapped up here, but I don't see any present for me.
>Pinkie looks round her shoulder at you, then at herself; and then her skin begins burning red all round her eyes and on her cheeks.
>And she begins to laugh a bit forcedly.
>"Silly me," she says, picking herself up. "I forgot to—well I just—it was dark and . . . Get out for a sec."
>She pushes you out, saying "Just for a sec" for an innumerable number of times, and then closes the door behind her.
>You stand at the edge of her door, trying to cool your blood and dry your sweat.
>Did you just embarrass Pinkie? She doesn't actually like you like that, does she?
>There's some more rustling and you listen closely.
>Then, after a moment, the door opens.
>"Surprise!" Pinkie says cheerily. "For real this time too!"
>She turns all around, presenting herself all over again; but this time, she has a pair of blue jeans on.
>You're wearing blue jeans, too.
>She stops when she's turned around from you so she can present herself to you again.
>"Do you like them?" she asks, looking over her shoulder. "I got Rarity to make me a pair so I can be just like you. I figured we could be samesies."
>You feel a cool wave of relief washing over you.
They're awesome, Pinkie. They really are.
>"I'm so glad," she says, getting up. "I was worried that you wouldn't like them now, after what I just did."
You don't have to worry about that.
>You’re just glad things didn’t turn too awkward between you and Pinkie.
>"Well, let's make that pie now. Then we can start planning your party.
>“I got a lot more surprises in store for you today.”
>Pinkie goes to gather some ingredients on the floor. 
>She bends over all the way, letting the fabric of her jeans stretch along her curves, giving you a nice view of her soft rump and the plump creases between her thighs and ass.
>You can't stop staring and you're starting to heat up all over your body, your pants getting tighter in the front.
>"Hey," Pinkie says, "how much cream do you think we'll need to put in this pie?"
>You don't answer. She lifts the heavy bag of icing and, putting the nozzle on her lips, squirts some cream into her mouth, so much that her cheeks puff out.
>She swallows and then, wiping her mouth, turns to you with a smile.
>"Because I can eat a lot of cream, and that might be problem."
>Hoping she can’t see the tight tent you’re pitching right now, all you can think of is how hard this birthday party is going to be to get through now because of . . .
>Fucking Sexy-Ass Pinkie Pie.


c14

Hey, Spike.
>“What’s up?”
I got a book here that I wanted to return. Where’s Twilight?
>“She and the girls are in the throne room. But I wouldn’t go in there if I was you.”
Why?
>“They’re having some kind of girl talk session in there or something.”
>A sharp barb of the mane six’s collected laughter flew in from the other room and pierced high the inside of his ear.
>Spike, rubbing his head, said:
>“They’ve been cackling like that for over an hour.”
I think I can handle it.
>“Suit yourself, dude. But I wouldn’t go in there. Girls can be weird when they all get together like that.”
Nah. They’re just different from us. That’s all.
>How bad could it be?

>Meanwhile in the throne room, the general moods among the girls were merry and playful.
>“I was not the first one of us to fart loud enough for everypony to hear since we’ve all known each other,” Applejack said firmly.
>“You totally were, though,” Rainbow insisted. “Don’t you remember when we were all cleaning up town hall after the parasprite invasion, and you bent over to pick up that—”
>“But Pinkie farted before any of that happened,” Applejack said. “Don’t you remember that day when we were all playing Twister?”
>“That couldn’t have been me, though,” Pinkie said. “I never fart in front of a friend until after I’ve known them for three weeks.”
>“Why three weeks?” Fluttershy asked.
>“That’s just the right time,” Pinkie said with a shrug. “I’m sure there’s a sociological reason for it.”
>They all turned to Twilight, who in response asked them not to look to her for answers of that nature.
>“So it couldn’t have been me,” Pinkie said. “When we all first played Twister, we’d only known each other for two weeks and one day.”
>“Just admit it, Applejack,” Rainbow said. “I asked which one of us was the first one that was heard farting, and it was totally you!”
>“All right, fine,” Applejack said. “I’m the farter.”
>The whole table began laughing while Applejack pulled down on her hat so she could hide the red on her face.
>Rarity patted her on the shoulder and said sympathetically:
>“It was only a little toot, darling.”
>The girls had been gossiping, telling jokes and playing the kind of confessional games with each other that often resulted in embarrassing confessions and displays for all that were involved.
>But they had been having too much fun for any embarrassment or hurt feelings to afflict them; they were too good of friends.
>“Okay,” said Pinkie, who could barely contain her laughter by blocking her excited mouth with her hooves.
>She looked eagerly around the throne room at the happy, anticipatory faces of her friends.
>“Which one of”—she had a small and snorty giggle fit, so hard it was for her to stay straight!
>“Okay, okay, I’m ready,” she said, calming down. 
>“Spit it out then,” Rainbow said. “You’ve got us on edge here.”
>Pinkie now took reign of her happy outburst and, looking round the room, let the silence age until it was ripe for her tongue.
>Then, smiling, she said:
>“Which one of us—”her chest was filled with laughter and set to burst“—would probably be a rapist!”
>She laughed so hard that she closed her eyes and fell forward.
>Then she looked eagerly around the throne room at the wary, confused faces of her friends.
>“What?” she asked, feeling unsettled. “What is it?” 
>“Pinkie, don’t you think that question is kind of . . .” but Twilight, for once, was at a loss for the right word.
>“I didn’t ask the question out of meanness,” Pinkie said. “I know none of us would ever really hurt anypony. That’s why I said ‘probably be a rapist’.”
>There was a reflective silence.
>Then, Applejack said:
>“I think Pinkie means it in a way like—well, you all know ‘bout Sadie Hawkins day, right?”
>They all nodded.
>“Right,” she said. “Well, that’s the day when mares ask out stallions, instead of the other way around. And believe me, I’ve seen some mares that really go hog wild on that day.”
>“Yeah!” Pinkie said. “Exactly! Boy crazy, everypony.”
>Everyone in the room made a collective “Oh, okay then” expression.
>Then, Rainbow said:
>“Well, if we’re talking about that, then we can probably all agree that Rarity would totally be the rapist”
>Rainbow smiled superiorly at Rarity, whose eyes were popping out of her skull.
>“What!” she said, turning on Dash. “That’s not true at all.”
>“Well, you probably are the most boy crazy one of us,” Rainbow said with a shrug.
>“I simply enjoy a certain amount of attention from the opposite gender,” Rarity said.
>Then, with a forming smile, she said:
>“Rainbow Dash, did you know that the individual most likely to rape is one that lacks the faculties necessary to control one’s own impulses?”
>Rainbow Dash blinked.
>“Uh, no, I didn’t,” Rainbow said. “But wait, why would I know that? 
>Then a jolt of realization tumbled, like a clumsy pegasus learning to fly, right into Rainbow Dash.
>And Rarity had been casually examining the fine tips of her front hooves, waiting, along with the others, for this to happen.
>Rainbow lowered her brow and, leaning forward, said:
>“Hey, just what are you trying to say here?”
>Pinkie Pie and Applejack started to chuckle, and thus brought, too, the wrath of the Rainbow upon them.
>“She’s kind of got a point, Rainbow,” Applejack said. “You ain’t really known for your patience, or for thinking things through before doing them.”
>“Yeah,” said Pinkie. “And talk about faculties. I mean, so far you did only blow up the weather faculty. But that was still a bit of a doozy, even today.”
>“And there was the time when you kicked that dragon,” Twilight said. “But luckily, Fluttershy was there.”
>“Oh, I’m just glad that we all didn’t die,” Fluttershy said with a blush.
>There was a happy, collective titter around the room at these reminiscences.
>Rainbow, deciding to trust in her friends’ good nature and take these comments in stride, checked her angered ego, and, slumping down in her throne, said:
>“Whatever, you guys. All I know is that, if I was a rapist, I’d be the most awesome rapist ever.”
>No one lost their smiles.
>But Rainbow, who saw that Twilight had rolled her eyes at her comment, said:
>“Well, how ‘bout it, Twi?”
>“What?” Twilight said.
>Then, scrunching her muzzle (a reaction Rainbow was waiting for), she said:
>“Oh, uh, I don’t think I have an answer. To accuse anypony, even one of your closest friends, of being a rapist, well that’s—”
>“You were my second choice,” Rainbow said.
>“What! Why?” Twilight leaned forward. “You think I’d be a rapist?”
>“You’d be proud of me, Twilight,” Rainbow said. “I made a list. I’ve got us listed, as rapists, in this order: Rarity, you, Applejack, Pinkie, and then Fluttershy.”
>The others mentally scrutinized their placements on Dash’s list.
>“But why am I so high?” Twilight asked.
>Dash shrugged.
>“I figure that, out of all of us, except maybe for Pinkie, you’d be the one of us most likely to go rape crazy on a stallion if things didn’t go your way.”
>Twilight blinked in bewilderment.
>“I would not go rape crazy,” Twilight said. “I don’t even know what that is. In fact, that isn’t even a thing. You can’t go rape crazy.”
>“No offense, Twi, but you’re a bit of sex-starved egghead,” Rainbow said. “I mean, you are the only one of us that’s never had a special somepony before.”
>“Yeah,” said Twilight, “but don’t you think that I’d know better than to rape my special somepony when I did find him.”
>“To be perfectly honest, darling,” said Rarity, “I doubt that he’d mind it too much.”
>“Personally, I think rape can be fun sometimes,” said Pinkie. “If you do it right, it’s sort of like a game of tag, except that only one pony is it and there are no tag-backs.”
>“If anypony ever tried to rape me they’d better hope that I don’t got my lasso with me,” said Applejack. “I’d have them hogtied and strung up before they knew what was what.”
>“There are some,” said Rarity, “that would not mind that too much either.”
>Twilight was silent and had a contemplative expression. Everyone turned expectantly to her.
>“Well, Twi?” Dash said leadingly.
>Twilight, sighing, said:
>“Okay, maybe, under very specific circumstances—maybe, I might rape.”
>Dash slammed her hooves on the table, then, raising them, pointed at Twilight triumphantly and cheered:
>“We’ve got a rapist in the castle!”
>The others laughed at this while Twilight, flustered and blushing, clarified:
>“But only under specific circumstances! It’d have to be the right stallion and—oh, what am I saying!”
>“I don’t think I could ever rape anypony,” Fluttershy said. “At least not on purpose, anyway.”
>“Yeah, you’d probably apologize to them while you were doing it,” Applejack said.
>Rainbow pulled her bangs over one eye and, while making thrusting and grunting noises, took on a hushed and hesitant tone:
>“Oh, I’m sorry about this. I’ll try to be gentle. I promise. Can we just try to enjoy it? No? Oh, okay then. Sorry.”
>The table broke into hearty laughter at this. Even Fluttershy enjoyed the display.
>“Alright,” said Dash, “so who wants to share their rapist list next?”
>Everyone around the table shared a certain look with each other and soon there were eager volunteers.
>“And I’ve got a few things to say about my number one pick,” Twilight said as, with a certain smile, she turned to Rainbow Dash.

>How bad could it be?
>You opened the door and went inside the throne room.
>“Yeah, but I wouldn’t rape on Hearth’s Warming,” Applejack said. “That means that, on certain days, I would be out of commission as a rapist.”
>“But think of how much you would rape before those days,” said Rarity. “Why with your work ethic, and with that lasso, I’d say that you’d have more apples in your barrel than any of us.”
>“Pinkie Pie is good friends with everypony in town,” Fluttershy said.
>“You know, not to brag or anything, but I’ll bet I could rape anypony in town that I wanted to,” Pinkie said. “I know almost everything about nearly everypony already thanks to my party files.”
>“But what about Twilight’s magic?” Rainbow said. “That’s more powerful than both ropes and parties. Twilight, you could probably rape anypony you wanted to in all of Equestria.”
>Twilight nodded.
>“And I’m a princess,” she said musingly, “which means that ponies I don’t even know will usually trust me right off the bat.”
>“Yes, but I think that it’s wrong to talk about rape on such a grand scale here,” said Rarity. “That abstracts it too much. 
>“The rape should be personal and within reason. We should approach this as though we were intimate with the subject, as though we were raping our neighbors rather than just strange and random numbers.”
>“Hey,” said Pinkie, “this is fun and all. But I was wondering, which one of us do you think would be most likely to be raped?”
>Without hesitation, and all in unison, “Fluttershy” was the answer.
>“I don’t think that’s true,” Fluttershy said.
>“Please,” said Rainbow with a wave of her hoof, “with how you are you’d be, like, prime rib to a rapist out on the prowl.”
>“Sure, that’s what you think,” Fluttershy said, “until I used the stare on them. Then, once they were on the ground, I’d be the rapist.”
>“Woah. I never even thought of that,” said Dash.
>“You’re a killer, Fluttershy,” Pinkie said admiringly.
>“Now there’s a question,” said Rarity with a demure smile. “Girls, let’s discuss murder for a moment.”
>The book slid out of your limp hands. It fell onto its face, the sound rising up from the floor like a gunshot and ringing round in the room.
>You looked down and then, feeling all their noticing eyes turning towards you, you weakly looked up.
>They all regarded you for a moment, all seemingly doing so in one girlish collective, as though all of their thoughts were running with each other.
>They began to smile.
>“Hey,” said Pinkie, “I’m glad you’re here.”
>“We can get a second opinion,” said Applejack.
>“And from a gentleman, too,” said Rarity.
>You took a silent step backwards.
>“Where are you going?” Dash said.
>You turned and started for the door.
>“Oh, he’s going to get away,” Fluttershy said anxiously.
>“Don’t go,” said Twilight. “We want to ask you something . . . And you forgot your book!”
>“I’ll get him,” Dash said, as she rose up into the air.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
>You got out, closed the throne room door behind you, and then ran back the way you came, your screams not relenting the entire time.
>And as you passed by Spike, you heard him say:
>“I told you not to go in there. Girls are weird.”


c15

>Twilight and Spike were both seated in their respective thrones in the throne room.
>Twilight looked over the cutie map while Spike held his quill steady over the parchment in his claw.
>“Who do you think I should I write to first, Spike?”
>“Does that really matter?” Spike said. “Let's just get this over with while my ice pack is still cold.”
>Next to his throne he had a bucket full of ice that was keeping his pack cool.
>Twilight gave him a short look.
>He shrugged. “Don't get all defensive about what I say. This takes us all day whenever we do it, and you know that I get claw cramps.”
>Starlight entered. Neither of them saw that she had looked around the room suspiciously before coming in.
>“Hey, Twilight, Spike,” she said. “What are you both doing?”
>“It's the first of the month,” Twilight said. “This is the day when I write to all of the pen pals that I have all over Equestria.”
>“When I write, she means,” Spike said.
>Twilight rolled her eyes.
>She said to Starlight:
>“Someday you’ll probably have to set aside a whole day to write to all of your friends, too, if you keep up the good work like you’ve been doing.”
>“Well do you have a minute?” Starlight asked Twilight. “I actually have a friendship question I wanted to ask you.”
>Twilight said sure and offered Starlight the seat that was next to her, which she took.
>“So what's up?” Twilight asked.
>Starlight looked up at the ceiling and blew some air out of her mouth.
>Twilight and Spike shared questioning looks.
>Finally Starlight spoke, but without looking at either of them.
>“Okay, so what I'm going to ask you might be kind of weird, but just hear me out.”
>“What is it?” Spike said.
>Starlight hesitated briefly.
>Then, squeezing her eyes tight, she sat up, faced them both, and asked them in a very serious tone:
>“Can you give a friend a blowjob and still be friends?”
>Twilight blinked. Spike's quill fell out of his claw and clacked onto the crystal floor, and that's when Twilight visibly flinched.
>She recoiled and brought her arm up to her chest defensively, all with her ears pinned behind her head.
>Some requests for clarity such as "Excuse me?" and "Can you repeat that?" were voiced aloud at the same time by them both.
>“Now this is just hypothetical,” Starlight said quickly, “purely for interest’s sake. Right, right?”
>She grinned nervously and nodded until her stunned friends started to weakly rock their heads as well.
>“Right,” she said. “So let's just say that, maybe some pony and her boyfriend—just a friend—were playing a game or something, Yahtzee for instance.”
>“Wait,” Spike said, “we've all played Yahtzee together befor—”
>Without looking, Twilight quickly shoved his ice pack into his mouth.
>“Go on,” Twilight said.
>“So you're playing Yahtzee,” Starlight said. “And then, just for fun, the two of you think up of an idea to make it more fun.”
>“Okay,” Twilight said unsurely. “And is this when the . . .”
>“No, I mean, not yet,” Starlight said.
>Spike pulled the ice pack out of his mouth.
>“Don't do that again,” he said. “I almost ripped it on my teeth.”
>Twilight was too focused on Starlight to apologize. “Yahtzee,” she repeated, so as to start Starlight up again.
>“Okay, first,” Starlight said, “you set a rule stating that the loser of each game has to perform a humiliating punishment, you know, like Truth or Dare or something.”
>“Yeah, that was my idea,” Spike said. “I keep saying that we should do—”
>A moment later he was trying to get the ice pack out from behind his teeth.
>“Save it for game night, Spike,” Twilight said.
>Although as she heard him muffling behind her, and saw Starlight's sheepish smile at the same time, she doubted that they would ever really have a game night ever again.
>At the very least they would never play Yahtzee together ever again.
>“So you’re playing with this rule in place,” Starlight said. “And then at the start of a new game, one of you jokingly suggests that the loser this time has to give the winner a blowjob.”
>“So the winner is a stallion,” Twilight said.
>“Well, yes—well, hypothetically he is.”
>“But he would have to be,” Twilight said.
>“Why?”
>“What?”
>“Why would he have to be a stallion?”
>“You know why!” Twilight said, a fierce blush on her cheeks. “Never mind. Let’s just continue.”
>Spike pulled the pack out again. It was all covered in spittle and he grimaced when looking at it.
>“Now I have to wash it,” Spike said. “Thanks a lot, Twilight.”
>He left with the pack pinched between two claws.
>“What happens next?” Twilight said to Starlight.
>“Nothing, really,” Starlight said. “One of you wins, and then the loser gives you a blowjob.”
>Twilight hummed. “And this is all completely hypothetical?”
>“Uh, yeah, yeah,” Starlight said, nodding quickly. “Totally hypothetical. All of it.”
>“Right, okay,” Twilight said. “And they were both okay with the blowjob?”
>“Huh?”
>Twilight simply stared at Starlight.
>When she didn’t answer, Twilight repeated:
>“They were both fine with the blowjob? The winner didn’t force the loser to give him the blowjob, right?”
>“Well, yeah!”
>Starlight threw her head back quickly and let loose a loud laugh. “Of course it was all consensual.”
>Twilight nodded. “Consensual.”
>“Of course. I mean they are friends.”
>“Well hypothetically they are,” Twilight said.
>“They’re the best of friends,” Starlight said. “Hypothetically.”
>Twilight thought for a moment, but her face got graver the more she thought.
>“I don’t know, Starlight,” she said. “In my experience friends don’t usually perform sexual acts on each other and remain friends. It just seems too awkward.”
>“You mean that you have to be in a relationship?” Starlight said.
>Her eyes were shrinking and she seemed distracted.
>“There’s no other way? You can’t just give a good friend a blowjob every once in a while? Friend blowjobs aren’t a thing?”
>Twilight nodded, but felt a prick of worry when she saw how nervous Starlight was becoming.
>Starlight froze.
>“What if you can’t be in a relationship with the friend that you gave a blowjob to?”
>She looked down at the floor and shook her head slowly.
>“Oh, that must mean that you just ruined your friendship by sucking him, doesn’t it?”
>“Well, hypothetically, right?”
>“I got to go.”
>Starlight hopped out of her seat and ran out into the hall.
>Twilight felt so confused that she could only watch her as she left, and wonder at the strange melancholy that her friend’s unease had given her.
>After a moment of silence, she heard her castle door opening.
>She thought it was Starlight leaving, so she was surprised when she saw the human come in.
>He had looked around suspiciously before entering.
>He had moved to Ponyville last month and already he was friends with everyone.
>Twilight said hello to him, but immediately upon seeing him felt strange.
>His usually-neat hair was disheveled, as though Pinkie Pie had styled it.
>His clothes were all wrinkled and untucked.
>And she could not help but notice the distant look that he had on his face when he approached her, sighed, and said:
You haven’t seen Starlight lately, have you?

>“You still in here, Twilight?” Spike said upon entering the throne room again. “I tried to clean the ice pack but the stupid water kept turning into ice and—”
>Spike felt himself being pulled into the room by purple magic; before he knew it he found himself seated in his throne, with Twilight shoving his quill and a scroll of parchment into his claws.
>He saw her in her throne, sitting straight, looking determinedly at the map; he shot her an annoyed look but it did not register.
>“We’re writing a very important letter to the princess,” she said, turning to him solemnly. “You ready?”
>Off put by the immediacy in her voice, he nodded, sat up and put his quill to the parchment.
>“Okay, let’s go,” he said.
>“Dear Princess Celestia,” Twilight said. “I have a very important friendship question to ask you.”
>Spike had written half of the heard sentence before the scratch of his quill had ceased.
>He turned to Twilight just as she was asking Princess Celestia for forgiveness in advance for the perhaps excessive use of strange hypotheticals that would follow.


c16

>You hear a knock on your door.
>Well that must be Fluttershy, here to guess your fetish again.
>You wish you could take a break from that if only for just one day.
>You open the door.
>There at your doorstep is a black-hooded figure with a long scythe held in its arm.
>The figure points at you, and says measuredly, in a very dark voice:
>“Your time on this mortal plane has ended.”
>You roll your eyes.
Real cute costume, Fluttershy, but I like the bumble bee one better.
>The figure is silent. Silently it brings its arm back down.
>Then its hood gets pulled down psychically, as though there were invisible strings in it, and reveals the figure’s face.
>It is a bare skull, pristine white in color and glowing with an almost unearthly paleness.
Cool mask. What fetish is this supposed to be again?
>The sky, once clear blue, is now turning grey. You look up at the solemn, rolling clouds.
Man, it’s supposed to sunny today. Did they change the weather on us again?
>The same grim voice speaks:
>“We will soon be entering the spirit world.”
>Its face is inert, the voice seemingly coming from somewhere mysterious.
>Must be a magic mask or something, or maybe Fluttershy is a ventriloquist.
>You hope she doesn’t make a dummy of herself—or you—if she is.
>That’s one fetish guess you could do without.
>Just then the figure moves suddenly.
>It turns around and brings to your sight a trembling Fluttershy, who is huddled on the ground and staring in horror at the skull.
Oh great, you say dully.
>Fluttershy’s nervous eyes flick to your annoyed face.
Goddammit, Fluttershy, did you clone yourself again?
>“Who’s your friend?” she asks in a shaky voice.
>What is she talking about?
>Your eyes move to the figure, now turning to you again.
>Its hollow eyes stare at you.
>Suddenly you think back to all that the figure has said to you, and you start to feel a chill running up your back.
>“Now you understand,” the morbid voice says.
You’re . . .
>“I am death.”
>Fluttershy gasps. “Death!”
>She slowly gets up and looks the figure over. It remains rigid throughout her timid scrutiny.
>Finally she speaks, “But you’re supposed to just be a myth.”
>“I do not exist in this realm,” it says. “I come from the spiritual realm to perform my duties.”
>Duties? Suddenly it dawns on you.
Oh shit. I’m not dead, am I?
>You and Fluttershy look to the immobile figure.
>It points at you again.
>“Your time on this mortal plane has ended.”
>“Oh no!” Fluttershy says. She hugs your waist and starts to cry into your shirt.
>You just stand there, frozen in shock.
>After a time, all you can really find to say are two things.
This sucks.
>And.
How did I die anyway?
>“Your end was merciful and you left your body in peace,” it says.
What? You’re saying my body just crapped out on me?
>“Your end was merciful and you left your body in pea—”
Bullshit. I’m pissed about this. What was wrong with my stupid body that it had to just go and die on me?
>You wait for an answer. Fluttershy’s sobbing has quieted and she is rubbing her cheek on your stomach.
>Finally, after a while, it simply answers:
>“Your mortal concerns are over.”
>There’s a break in the overcast sky.
>Light comes pouring in from above and it surrounds your three bodies, making you all glow and feel warm.
>“It is time to go,” it says.
>“Wait!” Fluttershy says. “Can I say goodbye first? Please?”
>It doesn’t answer.
>It pulls its hood over its face again and simply watches what will unfold, as though time and feeling mattered not to it.
>Finally Fluttershy finds her faculties. She lets go of you and steps back to look up at your face.
>“I guess this is goodbye.”
It sure looks that way.
>“I’m glad I got to hug you one last time. I’m going to miss you.”
>Her words stir something within you and you feel strangely at peace.
>Then you realize that you are excited.
>You won’t have to deal with Fluttershy anymore.
>You’re finally getting that break you wanted.
>But looking down at her sad face and knowing that you will truly be missed, you wish that there was something you could say to her to ease her grief.
>You look from the figure to her, and then you realize something else.
Fluttershy, this isn’t goodbye. Don’t you realize that if this death guy, this supposed myth, if he really does exist after all, then that means that there’s probably a heaven and stuff too.
>Fluttershy looks down and, after some reflection, begins to smile.
>“You mean we’ll see each other again?”
Yeah. I mean, I think so, right? you say while looking to the figure.
>It doesn’t answer, but you and Fluttershy both look up to the light in the sky and feel hopeful.
We’ll see each other again. I’m sure of it.
>She smiles to you and you smile back.
>Sure, she may have been an annoying pain in the neck while you were down here, but now that you know you’re leaving you get the feeling that you’re going to miss her.
It probably won’t be for a while, but we’ll see each other again someday. Who knows, we might even get back into our old routine, too.
>“Oh, I can’t wait. It may be a long time from now, but I’m already counting the days.”
>“It will be soon.”
>You both stop cold.
>Rigidly, you both turn towards the inert figure.
Come again?
>“Your reunion will be soon.”
>Fluttershy’s mouth falls slack open. “Soon?”
>“Your time on this mortal plane is limited.”
>She gets a lost look on her face.
>You start to feel sick.
I mean, how soon are we talking about here?
>“No, no,” Fluttershy says. “I don’t want to know.”
>Yeah, but you do!
>Suddenly you start to feel your senses dimming.
>Your voice is silenced and you can feel yourself being lifted up into the air.
>You’re leaving this mortal plane to reach horizons never seen by the living before.
>And all you can think about is how soon you’re going to have to see Fucking Fluttershy again.

>Twilight and Fluttershy are stood at the front of your house as Fluttershy reaches the end of her story about what had happened to you and her.
>“That’s an amazing story, Fluttershy,” Twilight says. “You’re saying that not only is death a real entity, but that you met it while it was taking someone away?”
>“That’s right,” Fluttershy says. She was honestly surprised that Twilight believed her.
>Twilight gets a grim look on her face. She looks past her friend and at the house.
>“So does that mean that he’s still up there somewhere?”
>“I don’t know,” Fluttershy says, folding her ears. “I was too scared to check.”
>Twilight’s horn began to glow.
>Lavender light was on the ground where you had been standing.
>She was looking for any evidence that death had been there.
>Fluttershy watches silently.
>Her mind had been lost in a weak fog of grief since her love’s departure and she had found it hard to concentrate on anything.
>While searching for traces of whatever it is she’s trying to find, Twilight says offhandedly:
>“If his body is still in there, then one of us has got to hurry up and get it out of there before rigor mortis sets in.”
>“What’s rigor mortis?” Fluttershy asks.
>“It’s when every part of the body goes stiff.”
>Fluttershy blinks. “Stiff?”
>“Yes.”
>“Every part of his body?”
>“Yeah.”
>Twilight went back to searching the ground.
>Fluttershy bites her lip. Beads of sweat start to form on her forehead.
>“Um, I can go up and see if you’re too busy with, um, your . . . yeah.”
>“Yeah, sure,” Twilight says; but Fluttershy had already left before she had even answered.
>She began moving quickly through the house, but not without noticing the depressing still silence that was in the air now.
>She had been in your house without you being there before, but this was the first time she could feel so keenly that your presence was no longer within its walls.
>As she reached your door she opened it slowly, as though she was scared that you were sleeping and she would wake you.
>She entered and began approaching your bed.
>Your body was lying face up.
>Your eyes were closed and your face was slack as though the skin that covered it was too thin for your bones now.
>After registering her grief she gently began pulling the sheets down, her eyes growing brighter as they went along your body.
>Then she saw something that stopped her.
>It made her open up her wings involuntarily and she felt that her soul was ascending.
>She started celebrating quietly.
>“Yay! Rigor mortis!”

>You approach the window in the otherworldly office.
>There’s a purple demon lady behind some glass.
>She looks up from her book when you reach her and her clawed hand pushes a clipboard with a piece paper on it towards you.
>“Fill out this form please.”
>You sigh a tired thanks to her and go sit back down with all the other strange beings—goblins, aliens, ponies, humans, etc.—that are there with you.
>You look down at the sheet she gave you that you had to wait nearly an hour to get.
>The first subject to come up is your name.
>You get up and go back to the window.
I have a problem.
>“What?” she says, without looking up from her book.
I don’t have a name.
>She sits there a moment. Then, sighing, she pushes her book away and looks at you.
>“You don’t have a name?”
No.
>“Then just put down your species and move on, please.”
>She waits for you to take a step back before going back to her book.
>You walk back and sit down.
>Suddenly someone starts poking your arm.
>It’s probably that lizard guy with the armored shell, the one that drank all the coffee. He’s a jerk.
>You turn to see who’s poking you, and your jaw drops.
>“Um, excuse me, but what did you put down for fetish?”
>It’s fucking Fluttershy, smiling up at you from in her chair.
There is no fetish section.
>“Oh, well, if there was one what would you put down?”
What the hell are you doing here?
>“Pun intended?” she asks with a giggle.
Shit! It hasn’t even been two hours yet and you’re already dead!
>“I had a heart attack.”
A fucking heart attack! How?
>She blushes. “I was in the middle of doing some rigorous exercise.”
>Suddenly the front door swings open.
>That means that some other poor sap has went and kicked—oh shit, it’s Twilight.
>So much for immortality.
>Twilight enters the office with a confused look on her face, until she sees the two of you sitting there.
>“You!” She points at Fluttershy. “Well thanks to your lack of self-control, I got to meet death after all.”
>Fluttershy folds her ears. “Oh dear. You saw me?”
>“For Celestia’s sake—Fluttershy, yes, I did see you. And you made me die from shock.”
>“Oh. Well, I’m sorry.”
>“Oh, you’re sorry. Well I guess that’s okay then—I’m dead! I could give two prances that you’re sorry!”
>Twilight’s eye starts twitching involuntarily.
>You whisper to Fluttershy:
Sheesh. What’d you do to make her so mad?
>“I, um, guess I killed her.”
>You stare blankly at her.
Yeah, I know. But how?
>“Oh, you want to know how?” Twilight says to you.
>Twilight smiles devilishly, which causes Fluttershy to shrink in her seat.
>“Oh, you’ll love this,” Twilight says to you.
>“Please don’t,” Fluttershy whimpers.
What?
>“She was right on top of you,” Twilight says.
>Right on top of . . .
>Wait a minute!
>You turn and stare at her severely. She starts blushing, smiles sheepishly, and then ducks her head between her shoulders.
>“Um, is necrophilia your fetish?”
>Fucking Fluttershy.
>Looks like death was wrong when it said that your mortal concerns were over.


c17

>You walk downstairs and answer the door, though your head’s dazed and a bit tired still.
>Maybe Fluttershy’s guess won’t be so bad today.
>You hope that’s the case if only for the sake of your red eyes.
>Fluttershy is at your door, smiling and looking like her nice self as usual.
>“Good morning,” she says brightly to you. “Isn’t it a nice day today?”
>You don’t answer and instead wonder at what time Fluttershy has to go to bed every night just so that she can stand to smile at such an hour as this.
>She goes on to talk about the fair morning weather without a hint of either irony or regard for your mood—still unchanged.
>She’ll have a fetish guess here sometime soon.
>“So, um, I was wondering . . .”
>Here we go.
Spit it out.
>“Is the BBC your fetish?”
>You regard her expectant smile curiously.
The BBC?
>Fluttershy nods.
>You wonder how it is Fluttershy could possibly know of the existence of the British Broadcasting Corporation.
>And why would she get it in her head that that could be a fetish?
>Well, it explains her inane reporting about the weather at least.
>Just then you notice that Fluttershy is wearing sideways a white baseball cap—that she got from somewhere mysterious.
>She stands up on her hind legs and spreads them apart significantly so you can see a massive bunch of black grapes and dong dangling between her thighs.
>She wiggles her pelvis slightly to set her pendulous black nads swinging from shin to shin. 
>You look up and stare rigidly at Fluttershy’s nervous, eager-to-please smile with a crude mixture of all thick emotions, like anger, disgust, horror, and pity, all of them attacking your stomach.
>She says slowly, as though unsure of the words:
>“I mean the Big Black Cock, homie.”
You’re serious?
>Fluttershy flinches at this remark—you’re sort of yelling but you can’t help it.
You’re serious, you sick fuck?!
>“You don’t like my BBC?”
No. That’s not the kind of—no, Fluttershy. No. Just, why? No.
>Fluttershy eases herself back down to all fours, her cock thumping dryly down onto the ground.
>“Twilight used a spell,” she says, as though an explanation was necessary.
>Fucking Twilight! Note to self: Avoid Twilight in the near future.
>Why do her friends think that it’s okay to help her with these kinds of things anyway?
>“I can get her to change it for you, if you want.”
Yeah, well, you know what, why don’t you go do that?
>“Really?”
Yeah. And in the process, you can leave me alone. I don’t want to see that thing on you again.
>“How about this thing, darling?” a voice calls from behind you.
>Turning around, you see Rarity lying on your couch on her side.
>She has on a nice suit, a hat, and carries with her a long black alabaster cane that she no doubt uses to walk with style wherever she goes.
>She also has, between her legs, a black arm-sized dick, standing erect.
You too? Why are you doing this? How’d you even get in?
>“We must save that disclosure for another date,” she says.
>“But do you like my big black dick, darling?” she asks seductively.
>She starts petting her length with her hoof.
>The quivering head seems to be nodding your way, as though to say, “Bitch, wanna fight?”
>“Does it turn you on to think about how big it is, how deep it can go, how far it could spread those little cheeks of yours?”
No! I already told Fluttershy to get rid of her BBC.
>Rarity laughs into her hoof as though you had just told a joke.
>“This is not a BBC,” she says, gesturing to her manhood. “This is much bigger than a BBC, darling. This is a Big Black Dick, not a mere Big Black Cock.
>“No offense, Fluttershy.”
>“Oh, none taken,” she says. “I couldn’t handle having a dick that’s as big as yours, Rarity.”
>“What about a BMD?” a voice says from somewhere unidentifiable in the room.
>Before you can question what a BMD is—and before you can openly bemoan the introduction of yet another helper for Fluttershy—you get your answer in the form of Pinkie Pie.
>She leaps out at you from somewhere, and she’s brandishing her enormous black dick between her hooves, holding it like it’s a baseball bat.
>She yells “Black Monster Dick!” and then hits you in the face with it.
>Yeah, that’ll be great for your headache. Thanks, Pinkie.
>Flying backwards, you’re knocked off of your feet and go through your door.
>You land outside on your back.
>When you open your eyes, a long black shadow glides over your face.
>The black monolith eclipses the sun entirely, and its reach goes past your face and down to your feet.
>You feel something graze the top of your head.
>Looking up, you see, resting on the ground, what looks like two watermelons wrapped in a soggy black towel, with some stray orange hairs growing out of it.
>“Are you checking out my Apple Nads, partner?”
>“All right, Apple Nads!” you hear Rainbow Dash cheer.
>You freak out and slap AJ’s humungous dick out of the way.
>Then you stand up.
>Then the dick slaps you back, in your side, and you go rolling in the dirt, eventually stopping about fifteen feet away.
>You feel a splitting pain in your side, and you begin to secretly pray that you did not just get your ribs broken by a giant black penis.
>You sneak a glance at Rainbow Dash and Applejack.
>Much like you thought, they have absurdly-big black dicks, with AJ’s being as large as her body, and Rainbow’s hanging a good five feet past her hooves whilst in the air.
>They are soon joined by Fluttershy, Rarity and Pinkie Pie.
>They all look your way.
>“Well, um,” Fluttershy says, “let’s gangbang him.”
>SHIT!!!!
>They all start trotting towards you, some of them dragging their big black dicks in the dirt behind them.
>Just as you’re about to get up and start running, a voice shouts:
>“Every pony stop!”
>Twilight Sparkle is here now.
>With a solemn expression, she regards all of you.
>“I have a very important thing to say.”
>You get up. The others gather close by.
>“Clearly,” Twilight says, “it was irresponsible of me to cast those spells and give you all big black cocks.”
>Oh, no kidding, princess?
>Twilight’s eyes suddenly light up.
>“Because I have a new spell,” she says. “And this spell is even better than all of the other ones.”
>With a face-wide smile, Twilight turns towards you and, standing upright on her forelegs, begins casting her spell.
>“With this spell,” she announces, “I will achieve the Even-Bigga-Than-All-Y’all-Niggas Bigga Gigga Nigga Colossus Cock!”
>What?!
>Every pony starts cheering and you start screaming when suddenly the air starts to hum and the earth turns cold.
>A black hole opens up between Twilight’s legs.
>It pushes and pulls at the air around you, creating a loud and violent wind storm in its vicinity.
>You all struggle to stay rooted in place while Twilight watches her crotch with insane glee.
>“It’s coming!” she says. “I can feel its great weight, the miles and miles of it all!”
>You look inside the hole.
>The first sight of what must be the single largest object in history, an incredible black mass, comes into focus and moves towards the entrance of the hole.
>The massive energy of its mere imminent existence on this planet is too much for this reality to handle.
>All of your senses are blowing up.
>In mere seconds, existence begins shattering all around you.
>“Stop, Twilight!” Fluttershy screams. “It’s not going to fit!”
>“We’ll make it fit!” Twilight says. She begins laughing maniacally. “We’ll force it!”
NO!!

My asshole can’t take it!
>You wake up with a start.
>You’re sweaty and you find that your sheets and blankets are all bunched up and wrinkled all around you.
>It was just a bad dream.
>You sigh, relieved, and sit for a while to still the frenzied beating of your heart and cool your heated skin.
>Later on, you’re getting dressed.
>What a weird dream. Just remembering it is stressful.
>You’re still a bit tired, but you’re not going back to sleep anytime soon after all that.
>Once you are dressed, you find you still have a sense of dread from the dream, as though it was still going on.
>Just then you hear someone knocking on your chamber door.
>That’ll be Fluttershy.
>Hopefully her shenanigans today will be somewhat tame.
>You don’t think you can handle anything too crazy.
>“Good morning,” Fluttershy says, once you’ve opened the door.
>She looks at you concernedly.
>“You look a little tired still.”
I had a really insane dream.
>“Oh, I’m sorry,” she says. “I actually had a really nice dream last night. It was about you and me, and we were—”
I don’t need to hear it, you say quickly.
>Last time you let her tell you about her dreams things got weird.
>Like, even weirder than your dream about the Elements of Harmony trying to rape you with big black cocks.
>“So, um, I have a surprise for you this morning.”
>Here we go.
>“I hope you’ll like it. Twilight helped me with it.”
Twilight?
>“She had it specially made, using a spell.”
What spell?
>She ignores you and says:
>“Okay now, open your mouth and close your eyes and I will give you a big surprise.”
>A chill runs up your back at this seemingly innocent request.
>But you decide that you’re being paranoid—or at least, that you’re being more paranoid than usual.
>You do as she says, but can’t resist the feeling that you need to peek.
>You peek.
>Fluttershy, apparently satisfied with your seeming compliance, stands up on her forelegs.
>NOPE!!!!
>You run back inside and slam the door behind you, screaming the entire time.
I swear to God, if any of your friends are in here, I’ll kill them!

>Fluttershy goes back to Twilight’s castle and finds Twilight and Spike in the foyer.
>“So did he like his surprise?” Twilight asks. “Which did he like better, the black licorice or the fur tattoo?”
>“I don’t know,” Fluttershy says. “He ran away before I even got to show him either one.”
>“Why’d he do that?” Twilight asks.
>“Who knows,” Spike says. “He’s kind of weird. I mean who likes black licorice?”
>“He didn’t even see your fur tattoo?” Twilight says. “The one I made especially for you?”
>Twilight was especially upset by this, because it took Fluttershy much courage to have that tattoo put on so early in the morning, and with such cold water too.
>Fluttershy stands up on her forelegs.
>On her chest is written, in rose-colored letters, ‘You are My Heart’s Dream’.
>And underneath it, inside a big cartoon heart, is a drawing of you and Fluttershy.
>Both of you are depicted as happy together, and you’re both eating long ropes of black licorice.
>“I stood up to show him,” she says, “but that’s when he ran away.”
>“Didn’t he say anything?” Twilight asks.
>Fluttershy openly winces at Twilight’s question and the remembrance that it brings.
>“What?” Twilight asks, noticing her friend’s expression.
>“Um, nothing,” Fluttershy says. “Just don’t go see him anytime soon, okay?”
>“I won’t,” Spike says. “Not until he gets better taste in candy, anyway.”


c18

>Hear three knocks on your chamber door.
>You have no doubts that it’s Twilight Sparkle, here to try yet again to win your heart, or indulge herself in her own sick pleasures.
>Yesterday, in the name of medical science, she held you down with her magic, stripped you and then checked your body for lumps.
>So today she’ll probably be a little bit sweeter, or at least better behaved.
>You open the door and see Twilight, and Pinkie.
>Pinkie is holding a colorful box-shaped musical instrument with keys on one side.
What are you doing with that windjammer, Pinkie?
>“This isn’t a windjammer, silly. It’s a squeezebox.”
>“Actually, it’s an accordion,” Twilight says. “I wrote you a song which I feel explains exactly how I feel about you.”
>Twilight gives you the sheet music of her song.
>The title is ‘And I Love Him’.
>You hand it back to her.
Yeah, I can’t read notes, but I think you might have plagiarized some of this.
>“No, I wrote every line myself,” Twilight says. “And now Pinkie is going to play it for us.”
>Pinkie nods and squeezes out a D on her windjammer.
>You eye it for a prolonged moment, then turn to Twilight.
Of all the instruments out there, why a windjammer?
>“Well, Rarity was originally going to play it on her guitar, but she was too embarrassed.”
Well, you do come over and bother me every day. I’d be embarrassed if I was your friend, too.
>“She was embarrassed of something else,” Twilight says.
Like what?
>“She didn’t want us to say.”
Whatever. It doesn’t matter.
>“It’s probably good she didn’t come,” Pinkie says, “because you’d be way too distracted by the big honking zit she’s got to pay any attention to the music.”
>“Pinkie Pie!”
>“What? You saw it. It’s like a Lemonhead got glued to the tip of her muzzle.”
That’s nasty.
>“It really is,” Pinkie says. “She must have some really greasy hoofsies.”
>It’s silent.
>Twilight is frowning at Pinkie.
>Pinkie stirs up some enthusiasm from that endless supply of it that’s in her heart.
>“Are we ready to get jamming?” Pinkie says.
>Twilight sighs.
>“I guess so. Here’s the sheet music, Pinkie.”
>Pinkie takes the sheet, scans it for a bit, then gives it back to Twilight.
>“Yeah, sorry, Twilight, but I can’t read notes.”
>Twilight’s eyes nearly pop out of her head.
>“What do you mean you can’t read notes?”
>“But don’t worry, ol’ auntie Pinkie Pie can whip up a song for you in no time.”
>Pinkie starts squeezing out an ‘Oompa-Oompa’ rhythm in the key of A.
>Twilight groans.
>You watch with curiosity as Pinkie gets into her music and starts hopping up and down on her back legs.
>“I’d like to dedicate this polka to my friend Twilight.”
>Then, she begins:
>~“Twilight is my best good friend, a gift from up above,”
>~“And this song tells the story of the one she really loves.”
>~“He’s a human, tall and strong, and easily grumpy”
>~“But he was the most handsome thing that Twilight’d ever seen.”
>Pinkie keeps the rhythm going but looks to you both for approval.
>You shrug your shoulders, and even Twilight seems to be coming around.
>Pinkie smiles with bright eyes and goes into the next verse.
>~“He read books, she gave him looks but never made him stay.”
>~“When she invited him for pasta he told her ‘No way!’”
>~“But the feelings in her heart for him had never gone away”
>~“So without compliance, and for science, she studied him all day.”
>You frowned and Twilight laughed nervously at the reminder that she had stalked you for a while.
>~“He said he did not like ponies but she knew that he lied”
>~“Because when Mrs. Cake would turn around she’d watch his wandering eye”
>~“Which would stare at her luscious flanks, oh so jiggly”
>~“So she ate a lot to get a double juicy grape booty.”
>Twilight blushes and presses her tail against her rump, which you actually notice is quite sizeable now.
>“Pinkie, you’re embarrassing me.”
>“Hang on, Twilight. We’re getting to the good part.”
>You wonder how it is Pinkie knows all this about Twilight as she goes into the next verse.
>~“But even those two big grape bunches flanks were not enough”
>~“No matter what she seemed to do it wasn’t the right stuff”
>~“If only he felt how she did then maybe he could see”
>~“She stayed up all night, masturbating to him endlessly.”
>Twilight’s jaw hits the ground.
>“Oh my Celestia—Pinkie, give me that accordion!”
>Twilight dives towards Pinkie.
>While keeping the rhythm, Pinkie jumps up and Twilight crashes and somersaults onto her back.
>You start laughing as Twilight chases Pinkie around your lawn, all while she’s still playing.
>“Come on, Twilight. Don’t you know laughter is the quickest way to a pony’s heart?”
>“He’s a human.”
>And with that, another verse springs to life.
>~“She loves him even more than my big sister loves her rock”
>~“She has a library’s worth of pages about his big thick human cock.”
>“Pinkie! Come back here before I send you to the moon.”
>~“By the time this song is over he’ll be into pony poon.”
>Twilight charges her horn and, in a flash, Pinkie and the windjammer are both gone.
>All that’s left from where they stood is a black scorch mark that was lightly smoking.
>Sweaty and out-of-breath, Twilight walks up to you.
>“Well?” she rasps.
I have to admit, I enjoyed that.
>She looks up at you hopefully.
>“You did?”
Yeah, it was a riot.
>“Oh . . .”
Pinkie isn’t dead, is she?
>“Of course not, I just sent her away.”
To the moon?
>“I’m not sure. I was kind of mad.”
It was so great.
>Twilight frowns.
>“Are you making fun of me?”
Yeah.
>She rolls her eyes like she’s annoyed.
>“I don’t suppose you found any of that arousing at all, did you?”
>You allow yourself to laugh for a moment before slamming the door in her face.
>Go upstairs and see Pinkie Pie is lying across your bed.
>She’s giving you bedroom eyes.
Were you as turned on as I was by that song?
>She giggles and nods.
Do you still have the windjammer?
>Pinkie pulls it out from under the covers and your dick is diamonds.
>She pats a spot next to her on the bed.
>“Get over here and jam your thick human organ into my squeezebox.”
>As you take your pants off she starts pushing and pulling on the accordion, moaning as the bellows rub against her chest.


c19

Ponyville’s Unique Unfinished Love Story

Fluttershy’s Five-Year-Long Courtship of the Human Continues

>The human, who mysteriously appeared in Equestria over five years ago, has been one of the leads in a strange story of unrequited love involving Element of Harmony Fluttershy.

>Ever since his move to Ponyville five years ago, he has been fighting off Fluttershy’s romantic advances, which sometimes happen numerous times a day.

“I thought I’d find peace living on the outskirts of town,” said the human, “but I didn’t know then that passing by her cottage everyday would be a problem.”

>Fluttershy, who says that he reminded her of her animals at first before they got to know each other, says that she watched him from her window when he would go to and from work. She did this for two months before she ever worked up the courage to approach him and ask him to her house.

>“He was very nice, very calm, and good with my all of my animals,” said Fluttershy.

>He left her that evening thinking highly of her.

“But afterwards she wouldn’t leave me alone,” said the human. “I’ve even gotten about twelve restraining orders against her, but she just won’t take no for an answer.”

>Eye witnesses report seeing Fluttershy stalk, harass, and sometimes even try to molest him daily, which many of the town’s ponies say is a normal occurrence to them by now.

>“They’re always at each other’s sides,” said Pinkie Pie, who is also an Element of Harmony and claimed to be both Fluttershy’s and the human’s best friend. “It’s really sweet until you remember that he doesn’t like Fluttershy, or if he starts yelling at her as usual because she touched his butt again.”

>Fluttershy’s attempts at winning the human’s affection have been called into question. When he kept refusing her offers for sex, she began performing niche sexual acts before him in hopes of discovering his fetish.

>“Well, I’m not as appealing to him sexually because I’m a pony,” said Fluttershy, “so I have to find a way to bridge that species gap between us.”

>And how many fetishes has Fluttershy catered to him?

“Probably somewhere near a thousand,” said the human. “She’s probably dressed herself up in every kind of costume or uniform by now, and don’t even get me started on the stuff she’s covered her body in. I could fill a book with just pictures of Fluttershy lathered up in different oils.”

>Many of Fluttershy’s costumes come from her friend Rarity, who is both an Element of Harmony and a renowned fashion designer.

>“I don’t mind helping her at all,” said Rarity, “though sometimes I see her wearing my costumes in public, and I do wish that she could be better about keeping her lewd pursuits private.”

>Some of Fluttershy’s stranger behavior, including her fetish guesses, has also been seen by the public. 

“Sometimes I see her ready to guess another fetish and I just try to ignore her, walk past her, but she just follows me and tries to get my attention,” said the human. “For having shy in her name, she can be quite the exhibitionist.”

>Fluttershy admitted that she had to ignore her sense of shame in her pursuits.

>“It used to embarrass me that every pony knew about my feelings for him, but I don’t mind it so much now that some time has passed,” said Fluttershy. “Love can be painful sometimes, especially when every pony sees you get rejected again, and you’re dressed up as a clown.”

>Though the town seems to have grown used to Fluttershy’s activities, attempts at curbing her behavior have been made, including attempts made by some of her own friends.

>“She’s caused so many disturbances in town that I’ve had to ban her from checking out any books from our adult section at the library,” said Princess Twilight. “She also kept returning them when they were way past due, and I’m sorry, but an apology just cannot make up for that.”

>Sugar Cube Corner also has Fluttershy on a watch list after an incident where they mixed up orders and the Ponyville schoolhouse had received a ‘boner-shaped’ vanilla cake with the words “I’ll Batter Your Dick With My Love” on it that was meant for Fluttershy.

>“I have to give anything she orders to the Cakes for approval before I can bake her anything now,” said Pinkie.

>Her friend Applejack, who works at Sweet Apple Acres and is the Element of Honesty, also refused to teach Fluttershy how to use a lasso when she came to her friend one day for roping lessons.

>“She brought a scarecrow that looked like him with her to her first lesson,” said Applejack. “She said she was practicing for her first rodeo entry, but I have a certain eye for whenever a pony is lying. It was also kind of obvious, too.”

>But despite these instances, some of her friends are still happy to help Fluttershy.

>“I don’t mind helping just as long as she washes whatever costume she’s borrowing before bringing it back,” said Rarity. “We have an understanding about washing.”

>Rainbow Dash, both an Element and the only pegasus who has ever successfully pulled off a sonic rainboom, actually thinks highly of her friend for her continued attempts at courtship.

>“Ponies underestimate Fluttershy, but she can be really tough and determined when she wants to be,” said Rainbow Dash. “She’s awesome. Any pony who tries to make her feel bad should remember that she’s literally saved all of Equestria a few times, but with my help of course.”

>“I think the way she behaves is entirely unfitting for a lady, though he certainly acts less than a gentleman himself sometimes,” said Rarity. “But her devotion is admiring, and sometimes I believe that what she feels for him is true love. And who am I to stand in the way of true love?”

>“The way she’s acting is just plum foolish,” said Applejack. “I kept waiting for her to quit but she hasn’t yet. Now all I feel is sorry for that poor fella who has to deal with her.”

>“They could be best friends if they wanted to,” said Pinkie. “And who wouldn’t want to have a best friend?”

>“In the time I’ve known them I’ve come to think highly of them both as individuals,” said Princess Twilight. “But they just can’t get along when they’re together, not in a normal way that friends would. There are too many opposing forces at work within them.”

>But even though every pony involved seems to have set their minds in this affair, Princess Twilight remains open to change.

>“The two of them have a unique bond,” said Princess Twilight. “There are times when they seem to enjoy what the other brings them. Just the fact that this hasn’t ended yet is intriguing. In a way, I think he may like all the attention she gives him, and she may like being the mare that’s made the biggest impression on him. I don’t know if any pony could look at what they’re doing and call it friendship, but friendship is magic, and magic works in mysterious ways.”

>Whether this story of human and pegasus will end in broken or happy hearts is something only time will tell, but for the moment it is still going on, and with no signs on either end of stopping anytime in the future.

>“I think someday I’ll get through to him,” said Fluttershy. “He’s special to me. I couldn’t imagine my life without him.”

“I don’t want to move,” said the human. “When I chose to live in Ponyville I did so with intent to spread my roots down, and I don’t want to change that. So whatever happens to me next, well, I guess it includes Fluttershy.”


c20

>As always, it happens just as you were finishing dressing for work.
>Fully-dressed, you were looking yourself over in the mirror when suddenly Pinkie Pie’s smiling face appeared next to your reflection.
>Far from being startled, from questioning how she got in, from wondering why she was there, you simply continue about your business and say:
Hey, Pinkie.
>“Good morning.”
>Her and all her friends are obsessed with you, though you have grown used to it.
>So this is all relatively normal behavior.
>Still, their shenanigans made you late for work yesterday, something you would like to avoid today.
>True, there was no way you could have known that they were going to kidnap you in your own house and make you perform karaoke love duets with each of them.
>But your boss, though sympathetic, has a distaste for unprofessionalism in any form
>So you are doing your best at the moment not to play into any of Pinkie’s shenanigans.
>You turn to her and gesture at yourself.
How do I look?
>Pinkie, looking you up and down, starts giggling.
What?
>“Oh, nothing, you look fine. It’s just”—she gives you a sly look—“do you know what day it is?”
Thursday, right?
>“But it’s a special Thursday today.”
Oh, right, of course. What’s special about it?
>Pinkie, after looking over her shoulder, waves you down to her level in desire to tell a secret.
>You bend down and place your ear next to her mouth.
>Then, at full volume, she says:
>“It’s steal your friend’s pants day!”
>Before anything else, Pinkie lunges into your crotch, grabs your button with the tip of her front teeth and skillfully undoes your pants.
>She then takes the zipper in her mouth and throws her lower body between your legs, taking down both your zipper and your pants as she falls backwards down onto the floor.
>It all happens in a second.
>But your pants are now down around your ankles and on top of Pinkie, who is giggling and twisting and getting all tangled up in them.
>When the pants have been sufficiently wrapped around her head like a knot of fabric, she gets up, pulls the ground out from under you and starts trotting for the door.
>The pants cannot get past your shoes and she drags you on your back into the hallway, then past the hall, down the stairs, and all through your house.
>Finally Pinkie pulls with enough force to pop your shoes off.
>With pants on her head, she runs out your front door, while shouting behind her:
>“Happy steal your friend’s pants day!”
>You stay laid down, dazed, your bare legs chilled a bit from the floor.
What in blue hell was that?
>Even for a bunch of rapist ponies, that was not normal behavior.
>You get up and dress yourself again, but this time avoiding the mirror lest you again summon the pink pants stealer.
>Once you’re dressed you head out and step outside.
>Then a small twister—really more of a wind funnel—picks you up off your feet and spins you round and round in the air.
>You land on your butt in the grass, dizzy and somewhat chilled below the waist—yeah, your pants are gone again.
>Rainbow Dash hovers a few feet above you, your pants held under one arm.
>“Happy steal your friend’s pants—”a lasso wraps itself around your pant legs“—Hey! My pants!”
>Applejack and Rainbow Dash begin a tug of war for your pants, with AJ shouting that she had been in place and waiting long before Dash swooped in.
>Well, if this pants thing is going to be real, then you’re going to be prepared.
>You go back inside, redress, and bring with you a small plastic bag that has two pairs of back up pants.
>Back outside Applejack and Rainbow Dash have ripped your pants in half and they’re each arguing for the other to give up the leg that they’re holding.
>You keep a vigilant eye for pants thieves while on your way to Professional Ponies Inc.
>You feel safe once you reach the front door, but not when you see your boss Mrs. Harshwhinny outside waiting for you.
>You just know she’s going to give you an earful about how unprofessional it is to be late.
>You approach her and get her attention.
I’m sorry I’m late, ma’am.
>“Well, I should say . . .”
>She stops, her eyes looking down at your legs, her face the ever successful model of stoic professionalism.
>“Is there a professional reason for you to have shown up today without pants on?”
>And, yeah, you have no pants on somehow.
>Your boss is staring at your package.
>She looks up at you, the edge of her frown twitching.
>“If this sudden act of lewd conduct is some attempt at seducing me in hopes for a promotion or other special treatment, then I should have you know that it is entirely unprofessional, and I shall force you to again go over certain sections in our employee handbook.”
It’s nothing like that, ma’am. My friends have just been stealing my pants all day.
>A frantic Twilight Sparkle appears next to you and addresses your boss.
>“It’s true, ma’am,” Twilight says. “I stole his pants with my magic.”
>Twilight, blushing and smiling awkwardly, turns to you and says:
>“Happy steal your friend’s pants day.”
What is your problem that you would do this in public?
>You look at your pants she has levitated a few inches from you.
And give me those back!
>You swipe at them but Twilight blinks them out of existence.
>“I’m sorry, but I’m on a very tight schedule today, and Pinkie Pie—you know what a nightmare she is with scheduling—she sprung this whole pants thing on us at the last minute.”
>“That is entirely understandable, Princess Twilight,” Mrs. Harshwhinny says while bowing.
>After a moment, Mrs. Harshwhinny clears her throat at you.
Ma’am?
>“The proper way to greet a princess is by bowing.”
She just stole my pants, ma’am.
>“I will not have you acting so unprofessionally in front of such a high prestige pony.”
Ma’am, I really—
>“Just bow already!”
>You bow, but give Twilight the stink eye while doing so.
>She hears the chime of the town clock, develops a frantic expression and then quickly teleports away.
>Mrs. Harshwhinny sighs.
>“So your crowd of unruly admirers is at it again. Well, I have said before that it is not professional for one to bring their personal troubles into the workplace.”
I know, but what can I do?
>“Would you like my advice as your boss or as an unaffiliated-yet-concerned party?”
The second one, I guess.
>Mrs. Harshwhinny nods, tugs on her collar to loosen it a bit, then says:
>“You should start a harem with—”
Hell no!
>“Do not yell at your supervisor. “
Sorry, ma’am.
>Mrs. Harshwhinny always likes to remind you of just who wears the pants in your relationship.
>“It was just one possible solution out of many that I was going to suggest. I should remind you that it is entirely unprofessional to interrupt some pony when they are talking to you.”
Can we wrap this up? I think I’m starting to attract a crowd.
>“Certainly. What have you in that bag?”
A couple back up pairs of pants.
>“I admire your effort to be prepared, but I’m afraid that your precautions are highly inadequate towards your situation. If these ponies are intent on stealing your pants, then the addition of more pants is not a sound solution. And as I cannot have you seen in the workplace without pants on, I must ask that you either find a way to keep your pants on your body or take a personal day until these ponies’ interest in thieving you of your pants has waned.”
Yes, ma’am.
>“So we’re clear?”
Yes, ma’am.
>“Very well. Carry on then. I must go now and make some necessary additions to the dress code section of our employee handbook.”
>Mrs. Harshwhinny watches you expectantly as you—while avoiding the stares of everyone else—put the rest of your back up pants on.
>Maybe it’s a dumb idea, but you decide to go see Rarity about all this.
>Even if she does steal your pants, maybe she can make you some kind of permanent pants that can’t be taken off.
>You arrive at Carousel Boutique and talk to bespectacled Rarity about your idea for keeping pants from being pulled off your body.
>“I believe the item you’re in need of is called a belt,” Rarity says.
A belt! Of course. . . . Wait, why don’t I have one of those?
>“Because I do not make them and you never shop for your own clothes.”
>Rarity hums and looks your bottom half over.
>“Well, I can’t say I’ve ever thought of something like your idea for permanent pants.”
>Rarity pauses, then pumps her hoof in the air, takes on a dramatic tone and says:
>“But that does not mean that it can’t be done.”
So you’ll make them for me?
>“Certainly, now”—she clears her throat—“I’ll need the pants you’re wearing currently as a working model.”
>She holds out her hoof expectantly but, seeing that you aren’t moving, starts waving you towards the changing screen in the room, saying:
>“Go on, then! Go on!”
>Well, you can’t say you didn’t expect this.
>You sigh and start undoing your pants right there.
>Rarity’s eyes take in every moment, her mouth half smiling so as not to completely give away her giddiness.
>When your pants are off you hold them out to her by the waist.
>Rarity’s smile gives way to scrunch when she looks at your legs, still wearing pants.
>“Er, darling, were you wearing a pair of pants beneath your pants?”
What, you never heard of the ol’ double pants trick?
>“Eh . . . No.”
>She takes the pants out of your hand and into her magic.
>She folds them into a neat little square, then places them on a colorful pile of fabrics she has stacked on one of her work desks.
>When she turns back around she looks at your bottom half again, this time fully smiling behind a faint purr.
>“Mmm, that’s much better.”
>You look down and see that your back up pants are gone and you’re in your underwear.
>You cover your crotch with your hands, which Rarity tries to move with her magic.
Rarity, stop!
>“Darling, now there’s no need for you to feel ashamed,” Rarity says. “It’s nothing I wouldn’t wish to see.”
You may have stolen my pants, but I’m not letting you have anything else if I can help it.
>Rarity stops and gives you an assured look.
>“Let’s not go changing our stories. You gave me your pants yourself and you shall get them back promptly tomorrow, once this silly holiday of Pinkie’s is done.”
>You put your hands on your hips.
If it’s so silly, then why are you doing it?
>Rarity’s eyes get a full drink of your crotch before you realize what you’re doing and cover yourself again.
>She giggles at your bashfulness.
>“I said it was silly, but I didn’t say it wasn’t fun.”
Still, you only had to steal the one pants. Give me the other pair back.
>“I’m shocked and offended that you would accuse me of such greediness.”
You know, Applejack told me this funny story about you and this boulder that you apparently thought was—
>“If you must know,” she says prudently, “it was not I who took your back up pants.”
>The changing screen folds back and Starlight trots out from behind it, your back up pants held nearby her head in her magic.
>You wrinkle your brow when you see her, as you don’t really know her all that well.
>She smiles at you.
>“I took your pants.”
Oh, you think I don’t know?
>“Now don’t be rude, darling,” Rarity says.
Fine. What I want to know is why?
>Starlight shrugs and walks up next to Rarity.
>Starlight says, “I overheard the girls talking about this crazy idea this morning and I thought it would be fun to tag along.”
>“Oh, let’s say it together,” Rarity says.
>“You think so? Well, alright.”
>They both count to three, then say together:
>“Happy steal your friends pants day!”
Okay, fine, happy whatever to you too. Give me my pants back.
>“Don’t do it,” Rarity whispers to Starlight.
>Starlight nods, then casts a spell that teleports both your pants away.
What the hell is wrong with you two! I need those pants.
>“Well, not necessarily,” Starlight says. “You still got those little pants on.”
>“Oh, dear, you can’t say little when referring to that specific area,” Rarity says. “It makes them feel insecure.”
>“I didn’t mean it like that.”
>“Yes, but it’s the insinuation.”
Just what are you insinuating, Starlight?
>“What I’m saying is that you don’t really need to wear those pants all the time.”
Yeah, well, aren’t you just being the little tag along know-it-all poochie that you always are.
>She furrows her brow.
>“Why are you always calling me that? What’s it even supposed to mean?”
>She suddenly wilts and says in a mopey voice:
>“It has something to do with my past, doesn’t it?”
No, it doesn’t have anything at all to do with your past. Stop bringing up your past all the time. I don’t even know your past and I don’t care.
>“That’s quite enough,” Rarity says. “You’ve taken what was supposed to be a fun little holiday and turned it into an airing of grievances.”
What, that’s not an occasion? I’d say that what I did makes this an occasion.
>“You insulted our dear friend Starlight.”
She’s only your dear friend when your real best friends won’t do, which isn’t very often.
>“I think it would be best if you left now.”
Not without my pants.
>“You’ll get those back tomorrow after you’ve apologized to Starlight.”
No, and no. I can’t walk back to my house in just my underwear.
>“Well, not with that attitude. You have to own it. Pretend the road home is your own stylized runway.”
And the ponies who are going to all see me, point, and laugh, what should I pretend they are?
>“Your audience, of course.”
Rarity, this is—
>“No more talking,” she says. “Go out there and own it.”
>She tries to push you out with her magic but you’re able to keep your footing and even advance ever so slightly.
>Then in one blink Starlight lifts you up off the ground.
>Before you know it you’re locked outside the boutique.
>You think of breaking the door down but already ponies are staring at you, gathering, pointing and laughing at your bare legs.
>Just remember what Rarity said about owning it.
>You face them all with your head held high and start striding towards home.
>The laughing ponies start following you and you begin attracting a larger crowd.
>You pretend not to notice.
>It can’t be shown that their ignoble laughter could possibly hurt your pride.
>Soon dozens of ponies are following you and laughing, but you continue to pay them no mind.
>Just then a pink filly, wearing a tiara, with silver and grey mane comes up next to you and says:
>“You know that you aren’t wearing pants, right?”
What’s it to you?
>“Well, isn’t that, like, your prime accessory?”
If you must know, it’s steal your friends pants day.
>“That’s not even a thing.”
Yeah, well, it’s never a thing until it is.
>“Is that why you’re letting every pony laugh at you?”
You’re not laughing.
>“Actually, I was the first one to laugh. I just got tired.”
What do you want?
>“Well, I was waiting to see if watching you parade around without your pants would be just as funny the second time, but it wasn’t. So I thought maybe I just needed a closer look.”
>She makes a show of scrunching her muzzle and looking you up and down.
>“Yeah, it’s not working. I just feel sorry for you.”
Well, don’t. Don’t know if you could tell at all, but I’m not going to let the laughter of these simpletons bother me.
>“Why not?”
Because I’m owning the fact that I don’t have pants.
>“Yeah, sure. But why are you doing that?”
Because I didn’t really have another choice, and this is what Rarity told me to do.
>“I don’t know. It just sounds like bad advice to me.”
But I am owning it.
>“No, I’d say you’re making worse what would have already been an embarrassing situation for you.”
>This statement gives you pause, and you realize that the laughter has grown loud enough to rattle the glass in the windows nearby.
How can I be making it worse if I’m showing all these idiots that their petty laughter doesn’t bother me?
>“But it does bother you. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so hung up on it.”
Yeah, but they can’t see that.
>“They will once you realize that you’ll never be able to live this down. I mean did you really have to put yourself on parade and make a spectacle out of it?”
Well, you’re so smart. What should I have done then?
>She shrugs.
>“Could’ve ran home.”
But that’s showing them that they can get to me.
>“Look, they were going to laugh at you anyway. Would you rather they do it for ten seconds or for the rest of your life?”
. . . So, run?
>“Well, it doesn’t matter now.”
>She nods forward towards your house.
>You turn around on the edge of your front lawn and see that the entire street is full of bobbing, laughing faces.
>Your face goes beat red and you clench your fists in anger.
Assholes!
>Then you turn and stride up to your front door.
>There’s a note on it.
>You grab it, take it in the house, and read it aloud.
Happy steal your friend’s pants day, heart, heart, Pinkie Pie.
>You crumple the note up and let it drop to the floor.
>You go to your bedroom and slip under the covers.
Maybe if I just go to sleep this day will be over.
>You close your eyes and try to relax.
>But even in your mind you can feel your pants being tugged gently down past your waist.
>You flail in bed, throwing the covers off and shouting:
Not my pants!
>Someone squeaks in your bed.
>You look down and see Fluttershy with both hooves deep in your waistband.
>She smiles awkwardly.
>“Um, happy steal your friend’s pants day . . . ?”
Those aren’t even pants.
>“Oh, well, it’s just . . . I heard there was a party down there, in your underwear, so—”
Fluttershy, get out.
>“That’s probably a good idea.”
>She bows her head and skulks to your door with heavy hooves.
>Before she exists she turns and says:
>“I’m sorry every pony laughed at you. If I could make them like you as much as I do, I would.”
>She sighs and walks out into the hall.
>Against your better judgment, you feel a pang of remorse.
Fluttershy, wait.
>She cautiously treads back in and leans on the frame of the door.
>You sit up and pat on the clear spot before you on the bed.
I need to apologize to Starlight tomorrow and I could use some advice.
>“Oh, is something wrong? Does this have something to do with her past?”
What? No, why does everyone automatically think that?
>“Well, what is it then?”
I just need to apologize to her for something.
>Fluttershy’s eyes probe you and make you feel awkward.
I don’t know. I guess I was rude or something.
>A small smile unveils itself and she says:
>“Oh, so you want to make her feel better?”
Well, no, I hate Starlight. I just want to know how I can apologize to her without making myself feel sick.
>You and Fluttershy sit together for a while and she gives you some advice.
>She says that sometimes you have to say things you don’t really mean in order to spare someone’s feelings.
Okay, so what you’re saying is that I should do something I don’t want to do in order to make someone else feel better?
>“Yes, I think so.”
And you truly believe that?
>“Of course I do. You’d be surprised at what one little act of kindness can do. The two of you could end up being best friends.”
I don’t care about that. I just want my pants back.
>“I’m just saying that it could happen.”
Yeah, or it could bring our worlds crashing down.
>“I’m serious.”
So am I. It’s like putting pants on, you do it one leg at a time or else you fall down on your face.
>“Are you sure that’s right?”
>You lie back in bed.
Look, I’ll think about it, okay?
>“Okay, I’ll let you think about it.”
>You stare up at the ceiling.
>There’s no way you will ever be friends with Poochie, but maybe you’ll apologize if you do get your pants back tomorrow.
>Maybe if you really do a good job of it she won’t get involved in any more crazy rape schemes.
>Or maybe she’ll take your apology to mean that she’s okay to join in any future rape schemes.
>That would be fine, you having to demean yourself with an apology to her only to have a future rapist come out of it.
>Well, that won’t be you.
>It’s just as well that you don’t apologize anyway.
>Why change things needlessly? Even if you did make a harem like Harshwhinny said those ponies would always have you out of your pants anyway.
>Just then you notice that Fluttershy is lying by your side, rubbing your shoulder and watching you.
>“What are you thinking about, sweetie?”
Fluttershy, how would you like to take your own advice?
>“You want to be best friends?”
No, I want you to spare my feelings by getting the hell out of my house.
>A moment later you’re trying to push her out the window but she’s holding onto the frame with all four hooves.
>“If you let me stay I can give you better advice, much better advice.”
Do it from outside.
>“No, I need to be in bed with you to do it.”
We’re not doing it.
>“Oh, I’ve heard that come from you way too much.”
>You push her out, slam the window shut and close the blinds.
>From behind the window you hear her pout.
>“Ponyfeathers! I wish it was steal your friend’s semen day already.”
>There’s a pause.
>“That’s a good idea.”
No, that’s not a holiday. Do not make it one.
>She doesn’t answer.
>You open the window and see that she’s gone already.
Fucking Fluttershy. At least don’t make it a holiday until after tomorrow. I’m falling behind at work.
>There is no answer.
>She’s totally telling Pinkie about it right now and you’re going to have to deal with it tomorrow.
>Maybe you should have just let her steal your undies instead.
>Maybe Twilight will be so pissed at her friends coming up with another last minute holiday that she’ll accidentally vaporize them all.
>Maybe you can actually enjoy the rest of this day in peace.
>You lie down in bed and close your eyes.
>A man can dream, can’t he?


c21

>Be Pinkie Pie.
>It’s early in the morning and you’re pulling Fluttershy down along the road in a red wagon.
>The two of you had just spent the entire night molding a hard-shelled chocolate cast over her entire body.
>Now she was Chocoshy, and you were delivering her to the human so she could try to entice him into eating her chocolate ponut.
>The only part of her not covered in chocolate was her muzzle so that she could breath.
>But other than that, she was a perfect, standing Chocoshy.
>You see a section of road up ahead that’s made of gravel.
>“How you doing back there?” you call back to her.
>“Just fine, thank you,” says Chocoshy.	
>“That’s good, because we’re coming up on some rough road.”
>“Oh my, um, please take it easy.”
>You think for a moment.
>“But won’t it be better if I just run across this rough patch as fast as I can?”
>“Um, I’m not—”you start trotting on the road and the wagon gets bumpy“—s-s-s-s-sure—Pinkie!”
>“Don’t worry,” you yell back, “we’ll be past this soon.”
>You see a pothole coming up and glide over it effortlessly.
>Behind you one of the wheel falls in the pothole, flipping the wagon over.
>Fluttershy screams, tumbles over the side and goes rolling down into a ditch on the side of the road.
>A moment later you’re unloading Fluttershy off of your back and placing her back in the wagon.
>“How do I look?” she asks.
>“You got smudged a bit on your side and there’s some grass that’s still stuck to you that I can’t lick off. But you still look plenty tasty.”
>“I knew we should’ve tied me down before we left.”
>“It’s fine, really.”
>“How’s my ponut?”
>You look back at her chocolate-coated ponut, still puckered and spongey, like a rich brown plump sausage wrapped in a circle.
>With the tip of your hoof, you poke into the center of the spongey ring.
>“P-P-P-Pinkie, don’t!” Fluttershy squeals.
>“Still looks cocoa-licious to me! Let’s go!”
>You keep pulling her along until you reach his house.
>You push Fluttershy right up on his front step.
>“You ready, Fluttershy?”
>“Let’s do this.”
>“Okie-dokie.”
>You ring his doorbell and then step to the side of the door so that he won’t see you before he sees Fluttershy.
>You hear his footsteps approaching the door.
>You can barely contain your excitement.
>“He’s coming,” you whisper to Fluttershy.
>Fluttershy smiles.
>You watch with bated breath as he pushes the door open and hits Fluttershy in the side.
>She screams and both her and the wagon topple over and fall off to the side.
>He looks around and, instead of seeing Fluttershy behind his door, he sees you standing there awkwardly.
>He stares at you.
What the hell are you doing?
>You force yourself to smile—big smile.
>He makes a face at you like the one Twilight makes whenever some pony tells her that they only read books with pictures in them.
>Finally, from behind the door, she says:
>“Will some pony please pick me up?”
>On hearing Fluttershy’s voice, he frowns and shuts himself back in his house.
>You go and pick Fluttershy up, then start wiping the grass off that’s stuck to her side.
>“I don’t think we made a good first impression,” Fluttershy says.
>“Aw, it’ll be fine.”
>“Is my ponut still good?”
>You bend down in front of her ponut, poke your tongue out and flick the center of her sweet ring with the tip.
>“P-P-Pinkie!”
>“What? You asked me if it was still good, so I thought you wanted a taste test.”
>“Oh . . . well, how was it?”
>“How was it? It was almost good enough to make me relapse back into chocoholism—that’s how good it was.”
>“Oh, but Pinkie, your life was a mess when you were addicted.”
>“Yeah, that’s why I said almost.”
>“Well then thank goodness my ponut isn’t up to standard.”
>“Aw, I thought it was great. Here, I’m going to put you in front of the door so we can try again.”
>You put Fluttershy in the right spot this time and then ring the doorbell.
>After waiting for a few minutes, Fluttershy says:
>“I don’t think he’s coming this time.”
>“You just leave this to me.”
>You walk up to the doorbell and start ringing it incessantly, as quick and rapid as a jazz drummer does drumrolls.
>After a few seconds his door slams open and he’s standing there glaring at you, the retinas on his eye visibly pulsing.
What! What do you want!
>You tap Fluttershy on the shoulder and whisper to her:
>“Okay, you go, girl.”
>Fluttershy smiles.
>“Hi there. I, um, covered myself in chocolate for you. I hope you like it.”
You did what? Jesus Christ, where are your eyes?
>Fluttershy had to close her eyes during the molding process, and thus the space where her eyes should have been was smooth as the back of a candy bar.
>Without missing a beat, Fluttershy says:
>“I had to leave them behind because I only have eyes for you.”
>Silence for a moment.
That made no sense.
>“Oh, sorry.”
>“Well, at least you tried,” you say with a shrug.
>More silence.
>“So, um, do you want to eat my ponut?”
Oh, that’s fucked up.
>“Do you mean fucked up in a good way, like, in a dirty sex—”
No, now go away or I’ll pick you up and put you by the ant hill in my backyard.
>“Are they red ants or black ants?”
They’re the really painful kind.
>Fluttershy swallows a lump in her throat.
>“Black ants.”
>As he was stepping back inside, you made an appeal to Fluttershy.
>“Fluttershy, say your line, like we practiced.”
>Her lips part in recognition.
>She clears her throat, gathers up all her enthusiasm, and says:
>“I’m cuckoo for cock in muff!”
>The phrase lives in the air for a moment, and you and Fluttershy both smile hopefully towards him.
>He stands partly-hidden by the door, eying you warily before slamming it shut.
>You both hear him slide the deadbolt on his door in place.
>Fluttershy sighs.
>“Well, that didn’t work.”
>“Oh well, at least we tried.”
>Silence for a moment.
>Fluttershy hums.
>“Um, how am I going to get out of this chocolate?”
>You hum and place your hoof on her withers.
>“Don’t you worry, Fluttershy. Ol’ Auntie Pinkie Pie will eat you out.”
>“W-what?”
>You flick Fluttershy’s ponut with the tip of your hoof.
>You hear Fluttershy shudder as you position yourself in front of her ponut.
>You press your cheeks against hers and give her ponut a peck.
>“Don’t you know that I’m cuckoo for ponut puffs?”
>“P-P-Pinkie, we shouldn’t do this. This is lewd.”
>“Well, it’ll be another few hours before it gets hot enough for the chocolate to start melting. What do you suggest we do?”
>Fluttershy thinks for a moment, then bites her lip and says:
>“Okay, fine, but please be gentle.”
>“I’m not promising anything.”
>You start kissing all over Fluttershy’s chocolate flanks.
>“Oh, I wish we had thought this through a bit more.”
>You lick the chocolate that’s on your lips and chuckle shrewdly, staring into Fluttershy’s chocolate ponut.
>“We did, but only I thought this through to the end.”


c22

>You're eating Christmas dinner with your family
>"So how are things in Equestura, son?"
It's Equestria, dad.
>He looks up at you from his plate, confused
>"What'd you say?"
>"It's Equestria, you got it wrong," mom says, leaning over towards your dad
>"Oh, well, that's what I meant."
>He blinks his eyes, still slightly unaware of what's going on
>Mom just thins her lips, then turns to you:
>"So how are things going in Equestria for you so far?"
>Dad furrows his brows and turns on her
>"I just asked him that--"
Things are alright.
>In order to keep the conversation from again regressing, you start to ramble about whatever new things you can think of
>It's torture
>Why you decided to take the portals back to Earth for the holidays is beyond you now
>"Sounds like you got a lot going on," mom says
Eh. Not really.
>You shrug and keep your eyes down on your plate, ending any further talk
>For a while, at least
>"How's that one girl you used to see?" dad says
>You feel a chill run up your spine
>"He wasn't seeing her," mom says, already annoyed
>Dad doesn't hear this and his brow stiffens in strained thought
>"She was that yellow one. . . . What was her name?" dad asks, turning to mom
>"Oh, Fluttershy!" mom says, smiling suddenly.
Can we not do this--
>"How is she? What do you think she's doing right now?"
Ma, I don't know. She's probably at home.
>Actually, she's probably got a crowbar and is prying your front door off of its hinges as you speak
>But you can't tell your parents that, they take most of your stories about Fluttershy the wrong way
>If you tell your parents that, Mom will just say "Oh, so she's still interested, huh?"
>And dad will just laugh
>Or he'll say nothing for a few seconds before interrupting you with a "Huh?" or a "What are we talking about?"
>Either way, it was all over for you once they met Fluttershy for the first time
>She was waiting for you at the portals so she could see you back to Equestria
>The scheming pony had even brought a basket of homemade muffins with her so you would both have snacks for the trip
>This surprise attack of guerrilla cuteness was just too much for any human unfamiliar with ponies to handle
>Their feelings towards her had been set ever since
>An obvious factor of the story, which did not come to them until you pointed it out later, was that she had shown up uninvited
>A less obvious factor would be that the blueberries in her muffins had actually been capsules of Tylenol PM
>"You know, she seems like such a nice girl," mom says
Ma, I don't like her.
>"Well, you don't give her a chance," mom says. "You know she likes you."
>It's times like these that make you wonder if they were hearing something completely different whenever you would tell them one of your irritating stories about Fluttershy
I don't care if she likes me. She's a pony, for Christ's sake.
>"And you're just not into that," mom says, filling in the blank for you
I'm not into her, either.
>"She is kind of clingy, huh?"
>You mildly scoff
>Obsessed would be a better word for Fluttershy
>Even with the portals coming into existence, giving her an entire planet of other humans she could be bothering, she still only chases after you
>"Still, don't you think she could make you happy?"
>Dad blinks
>"Who are we talking about?"
>"Fluttershy, dear. Where have you been this whole time?"
>"I don't know. Up my ass, probably."
>Dad turns to you
>"Do you know what she's doing for the holidays?"
>"He just said that she--"
I don't know, dad. She's probably at home or something.
>"I always thought she was a nice girl," dad says
You've met her once, for five minutes.
>"Well, she seems nice, if a little goofy."
>"He doesn't like her, you can stop now," mom says
>"I'm just teasing him, dear," dad says plainly
>In a moment his eyes gloss over
>A forgetful expression appears on his face and he turns back down towards his plate
>"Can you pass me some of that green bean casserole that's over there?"
>You pick up the glass dish before mom can and serve your dad a few large spoonfuls of the warm green fungal-looking gruel
>In the middle of your serving, mom says:
>"You don't think she's lonely right now, do you?"
Ma, I don't care.
>"Well you should care! Nobody should be alone on the holidays. It's depressing."
She's not alone then. She's got her animals.
>"Well, I invited her over, just in case."
>Your breath hitches
>The casserole dish slips out from your fingers and slams down onto the table, the shaking sound of clattering glass and trembling silverware following the shock wave
>"Careful with that!" mom says
>"I better take it from here," dad says, pulling the dish towards him
>You turn fiercely on mom
Why would you invite her?
>"I just didn't want her to feel alone. She just seems so shy, and so desperate for attention."
Ma, she's not a hermit. She's got friends, she's got a family.
>"Oh, well, I didn't know that. Then she's probably with them."
She won't be, though. I guarantee you that she'll show up.
>"Well, don't worry. I didn't tell her that you would be here."
But I am here. She already knows that.
>Dad looks up from his plate
>"Who we talking about . . . ?"
>Just then there's a knock at the door
>A very familiar-sounding knock
Oh no . . .
>"You expecting someone?" dad asks mom
>"Oh, I'll get that," mom says, ignoring him
>She goes and opens the door
>"Um, hello there," you hear Fluttershy say meekly
>"Oh, you're here!" mom exclaims, smiling
>Tell her to fuck off
>"Come in, come in!"
>NO!!
>"Oh, thank you," Fluttershy says. "And Happy Hearth's Warming to you."
>"Merry Christmas to you, too! Jingle bells!"
>"Oh, no, I'm not wearing any."
>Fluttershy trots in and starts wiping her boots and scarf free of clinging snow
>She sees you sneering at her as she brushes snowflakes out from her mane
>She starts blushing and winks at you
>"Happy Hearth's Warming everyone," she says in a general sort of way to the room
>It's not going to be happy
>Not for you, anyway
>Mom puts Fluttershy's clothes in the closet, then quickly walks back towards the table
>"Dad, looks who's here for Christmas."
>Fluttershy shuffles in, and a flash of recognition lights up dad's face
>"Oh, I know you, you're . . . well, how you doing, anyway?"
>"I'm fine, thank you," Fluttershy says, waving meekly
>"Fluttershy, come sit down," mom says, pulling out the chair next to you
>Next to you?!
Wait, I don't--
>"Oh, thank you!" Fluttershy says quickly, already extending her wings and taking off towards the ceiling
>She drops down into the seat next to yours, then scoots her chair over towards your side until the legs bump into each other
>Before you can shout 'What the fuck?!' she's already leaning against your side, her arm looped with yours
>"Oh, you two sure work fast!" mom says
>You feel your face burning up and you turn away from the eyes in the room
>"Just make sure you eat dinner first, before you do anything else," mom says
>Dad is smiling and biting his lip, trying not to laugh
>You never asked for this
>"Well, let me make you a plate, Fluttershy," mom says while heading towards the kitchen
>"Oh, thank you, no meat, please," Fluttershy says
>"What was that?"
>Instead of answering your mom, Fluttershy slides her arm further past yours and sinks her hoof down into your crotch
>She moans and starts fondling your package, massaging your balls, stroking the bottom of your shaft
>She looks up at you with winding eyes, blushing and biting her bottom lip
>"Do you like that?"
Really, you're doing this in front of my parents?!
>"Um, not exactly. . . ."
>Her eyes briefly flicker to the side, towards the rest of the room, where nobody seems to care that a rape is happening
>Your dad is eating green bean casserole and looking down at his plate, unsure of all that's going on around him
>In fact trying to stop Fluttershy from molesting you is probably the only thing that would get his attention right now
>And your mom is (for about the fifth time) calling out to Fluttershy from the kitchen
>"Did you say that you don't eat meat?" mom says
>"That's right," Fluttershy says
>She stares down at your bulge, which is slowly growing, pitching itself up against the crotch of your pants
>She starts stroking your fully-erect cock through your pants
>"I mostly save my meat eating for--"she moans"--special occasions."
>A couple small wet spots start soaking the front of your pants, darkening the fabric
>You can actually feel yourself getting close already
>Not really sure why that is, you wouldn't exactly call yourself a quick shot
>If Fluttershy managed to awaken some kind of previously hidden exhibition fetish within you just now, you'll be pissed
>Struggling to control your own breathing, and the volume of your voice, you say:
Fucking . . . Fluttershy . . .!
>Her warm eyes look up at yours and you can read their intent from her hungry smile and flushed cheeks
>"You can cum for me," she says softly. "You're so hard, and throbbing so much."
>She presses her cheek against your chest, listening to the sound of your quivering heartbeat
>"Tell me when you cum. I want to see it."
>You let out a throaty moan
>You arch the back of your neck and start thrusting into her strokes
>Fluttershy, now fully worked up, places both of her hooves in your lap
>She finally gets a good grip on your cock and starts stroking you off faster than ever, alternating between pumping you up at the base and caressing the length of your shaft
>The way your cock is rubbing against her hoof and the fabric, it might sound to the unknown like you were scratching a bothersome itch
>Filling her hoof up with your sack, she starts gently massaging your balls, churning up your cum until you're ready to burst
>She's breathing heavily now
>You can feel her pants blowing against your belly, see her tongue hanging out over your waist
>She pulls her tongue back and sucks up the pool of spit that had collected in her mouth, from her drooling over your cock
>"Oh, you're so hard, my hoof is getting sore," she whines
I'm almost . . .
>Your breathe hitches as you feel yourself being pushed over the edge
>Pressure rises up from your balls
>Your length swells up like a log in a boiling puddle
>Fluttershy's eyes light up at seeing you so excited by her touch
>She ignores her earlier soreness and, wincing only slightly, starts pumping your shaft at the base, priming your balls for you to cum
>And it won't take you long, since this is the fastest she's rubbed you so far
>Her hoof effortlessly glides up and down the base of your cock in such short quick bursts that it's like she's on top of you, like she's riding your dick with her hoof
>It felt so good that it might as well have been her fat pony ass bouncing off of your dick, rather than her rubbing her red burning sore hoof raw
>She leans down into your groin 
>"Yes, yes, cum for me!" she excitedly whispers to your dick
>She's sweating profusely, the warmth from your loins radiating against her face
>"Cum, cum, come on, cum!"
>The rising pressure in your crotch reaches a breaking point
>You thrust your waist upwards, your toes curl
>Three thick shots of cum squirt out of your cock and glob onto the front of your pants
>From behind those bursts more comes flooding out and dribbles down, collecting down onto your groin like a puddle of watery honey
>Fluttershy gasps, then moans as she watches the dark sticky stain on your pants grow
>She eyes your member as it throbs and twitches underneath the fabric like a fat worm
>She bends down and presses her lips against your now-sensitive tip, sending jolts of pleasure up and down your spine
>With gentle pulling from her lips, your cockhead slides into her mouth
>She starts sucking on the growing wet patch that's on your crotch
>She gently nibbles and sucks on the tip of your dick, caressing it with her lips and the tip of her tongue
>Your cock spasms with the burning ache of your spent load
>It's like she's put a seal on the tip of your dick and is sucking all of the semen out from your balls
>You lie back and bask in your sweaty afterglow as she gets her fill, while one of her hooves caresses your inner thigh
>Finally she lifts herself up until your dick pops out from her tight lips, eliciting a gasp from her
>She breathes heavily, her cheeks flushed, the edges of her mouth gleaming with drool
>Several strands of her frazzled mane hang down in her sweaty face and there's a strong, musky scent in the air
>She looks up at you and smiles weakly
>Neither of you say anything
>Then, from the kitchen:
>"The green bean casserole is already on the table. Did you even look?" mom says
>"No," dad says plainly
>Both your eyes and Fluttershy's widen
>Dad isn't in his seat anymore
>But you can hear the both of them coming back from the kitchen
>Fluttershy pulls herself back to her seat and sits up
>"Oh my goodness. I can't let your parents see me like this. It'd be so rude!"
>She slips out from her chair and trots down the hall
>Wait, she's just going to leave you here, with a huge cum stain on your pants?!
>You don't want your parents to catch you like this either
>Fucking Fluttershy
>You start to get up just when your parents enter, and the chair scrapes against the floor when you slam your ass back down in your seat
>They both stare at you
>You clasp your hands together and give them a trembling smile that says you weren't just molested by a pony in their living room
>It'd have worked better if your red, sweaty face didn't currently look so much like a boiled tomato
>"Well, she's certainly got you all worked up," mom says with a smirk
>Mom comes around the table, bringing Fluttershy's plate
>God, please don't let her look down and see the stains of your shame
>At least not until she asks for your dirty clothes to be washed
>Thankfully, she doesn't notice the enormous cum stain on your pants
>Or you pulling up on the fabric, so that it doesn't stick to your dick like glue
>Or the enormous fucking puddle of mare fluids on Fluttershy's seat that you just noticed
>Sheesh. Put a pair of waders on and you could splash around in that one
>This pony is hellbent on ruining Christmas for you this year
>Your parents sit down next to each other on the other side of the table
>"So where is Fluttershy?" mom asks
She had . . . to go to the bathroom.
>"I thought she'd still be here when I brought her plate," mom says. "I could hear her from the kitchen."
>You swallow a lump in your throat
Hear what now?
>"Wasn't she asking me to come back? I kept hearing her saying come. . . . What was she saying?"
>You swallow a lump in your throat as mom stares at you
>All you want for Christmas right now is spontaneous combustion
>"I don't know what you're talking about, I didn't hear anything," dad says
>"Oh, well, that's a surprise," mom says, throwing her hands up in the air
>Before mom can ask more questions you tell her that Fluttershy had been in the bathroom for a while
>This answer satisfies her, or at least provides a reasonable enough doubt for her to choose not to pursue the topic any further
>"She's probably been holding it in all this time," dad says
>"Holding what in . . . ?" mom says
>"The portals are on the other side of town. Do I need to spell it out for you?"
>Mom stares at him for a moment
>Then she starts to chuckle but tries to cover it, her fingers spread all across her face like a fan
>"That's really sick."
>"Is it?"
>"You're surprised she didn't wet herself?"
>He nods and they both laugh
>You tug again at the sticky patch on your pants
>If only they knew . . .
>Mom stops laughing and grows somber
>"Well, then again, she is a pony, so couldn't she just . . . do it on the side of the road?"
>Just then she pinches her face up
>She starts waving her hand by her nose
>"What is that smell?"
>She must have smelled Fluttershy's musk
>"Something stinks! What is that?" dad says suddenly
>Mom squints firmly your way
>"Did you put on deodorant today?"
>She thinks that's you?!
>Well, rather than the musk of a pony's vagina . . .
Nope, no deodorant today. Here, get a whiff of that!
>You lift your arm up and start fanning the air inside your armpit towards them
>"That's really gross," mom says
>"No wonder she doesn't want to come out from the bathroom."
>Fluttershy eventually does come out from the bathroom
>She looks refreshed, her face calm and her mane all brushed back in place
>Hopefully she didn't use your hairbrush to do that
>You don't need her long pink horse hairs all knotted up in your bristles
>Mom sees Fluttershy approaching the table and advises her not to sit next to you if she can't handle your stink
>"Oh, it's no trouble at all. I actually enjoy his scent," Fluttershy says
I don't have a scent. I'm not some kind of stink bug that's giving off pheromones.
>"You sure about that?" dad says
Also, Fluttershy, mom's talking about the current scent in the room.
>Fluttershy stares at you blankly for a moment, her ear twitching slightly
>Then she places her hoof on the seat of her chair
>To all the initiated, you swear that there was an audible splash heard
>Fluttershy instantly freezes up
>She folds her ears and her eyes shrink to the size of drops of sweat
>Clear wet strings stick to her hoof when she pulls it out from her puddle
>She shudders, and you almost shudder with her as you think of what her cold, settled drippings would feel like on your skin
>But you refuse to show her any signs of either empathy or mercy
>Her trembling eyes flash up to meet your rough stare
>You gesture to her puddle
Why don't you have a seat, Fluttershy?
>She flinches at the offer
>"Oh . . . I . . ."
>"Yes, hold your nose if you have to, but please sit down and eat something," mom says
>Fluttershy looks around at all the expectant eyes that are watching her
>Blotches of bright red rise up on her cheeks and diffuse across the rest of her face, like the sunrise lighting up the clear morning sky
>She winces as she swallows a lump in her throat, and then slowly sinks her hoof into the puddle
>She starts climbing up the chair to her seat
Careful, it's slippery.
>She glares up at you for a moment, until her hoof almost slips out from under her
>"Eep!"
>She catches herself in time though, so you don't get to see her slam her chin against the table or anything
>Watching her contorting expression though, all those tense and twitchy looks of discomfort, as she eased her ass down into that clammy puddle of her's
>That was priceless
>She stiffens up in her seat for a moment, a cold shiver running up her back
>You smirk at her
>Yeah, enjoy it, you rapist
>If you've got to sit in yours, then so should she be in hers
>Mom notices that Fluttershy's fidgeting in her seat
>"Are you okay, Fluttershy?" mom asks her. "Is the smell too much for you?"
>"Oh, no, I'm just fine, thank you," Fluttershy says through clenched teeth
>"It's not cold, is it?"
>"W-What . . . ?"
>"Is your casserole still warm?"
>"Oh! I don't know. It's great, actually."
>Fluttershy quickly dives into the mound of casserole before her, quickly enough to not see the curds of white grease that had congealed among her food
>When she comes up again her cheeks are spotted with white sticky lumps
>Her eye twitches involuntarily as she struggles to chew her food
>"It's . . . very thick, thank you."
>Mom nods
>Dad looks around the table
>"What are we talking about?"
>Fluttershy smiles stiffly for a moment
>Then she presses her hooves against the side of the table and starts to slowly push her chair back
>Yeah, no way you're letting her escape
>You grab the back of her chair and scoot her forward until her front is bodyslammed against the table
>"Eep!"
>She straightens up immediately
>She can't help but sink in her chair though, when mom and dad begin staring at her oddly
>"Um . . . I was just . . ."
>She sinks further and further down into her seat, her chest disappearing, then her neck, until the table's edge is up to her chin
>When only her eyes are visible she looks towards your parents
>"I'm sorry for this. . . ."
>Then she disappears under the table
>Everyone stares at the empty chair
>Before long Fluttershy crawls out from under the table
>You all stand up to watch her
>There's a long wet stripe of pressed-down hair on her back, like a snail trail, that gleams in the light
>Which is when you realize that she didn't sink under the table at all
>She slid out from her chair, and used her own lube to do it
>"Um, I'm just going to the bathroom . . . !"
>Oh, and she's trying to ditch you again
>Like you'd be able to explain any of what just happened once she's gone
Fluttershy, get back here.
>"Just what is going on here?" mom says, turning your way
>Her critical gaze turns downwards, and the flesh on her nose wrinkles
>"What the hell is wrong with your pants?"
>Fluttershy looks over her shoulder at you, and her eyes shrink again
>Dad takes one look at your crotch before he starts laughing
. . . I need to go to the bathroom.
>You kick your chair over and start a mad dash for the bathroom
>Fluttershy joins you at your heel
>She dodges all of the backhands you try to push her back with and ends up in the bathroom with you

>While she started up the shower you held the door open a crack and eavesdropped on your parents
>Mom wastes no time
>"I'll bet they're in there having sex."
>"No, I think we'd notice it if something like that were happening right under our noses."
>"Did you see his pants?!"
>"He could've pissed himself."
>Yeah, you've heard enough there
>Fluttershy was having trouble getting the water in your shower to rinse her back
>To be fair to her, it's a detachable shower head, so it is kind of a bitch sometimes, especially for three-foot candy equines
>And you want her in and out of the shower as fast as possible--there's already a huge clump of yellow and pink hair mushrooming out from your drain
>So in interest of all that, you will hold the shower head over her back for her
But there's no way I'm using the loofah on you, Fluttershy.
>"I can't reach back there, though," she says irritably, the rising steam heating up her damp coat and mane
>She grits her teeth and starts to arch her back, as if to drive her point home
>"Hurry up and scrub me. I can feel my, um . . . it's hardening back there!"
Do it yourself, it's the exact same loofahs that you have in Equestria.
>"Just do it so I can get out of here!"
You're leaving?
>"Of course I am, I'm going out through the window. What happened in there was a disaster. I can't ever face your parents again."
>Oh, well, when she puts it like that
>You crouch down on your knees and start lathering her back up with soap, then scrubbing and rinsing her all over
>You were a regular groomer, the only thing missing was treats
>You even adjusted the water temperature for her when she started with her "Ah! Hot! Could you please . . . ?" and her "Eep! T-Turn it up, please, if you don't mind!"
>She didn't say anything for a bit, just enjoyed the feel of your fingers rubbing the suds into the small hairs on her back
>"I hope your parents aren't mad at me."
>They're probably laughing their asses off by now
>"I can't believe we made love in front of them like that."
That was your fucking fault, and we didn't even make love.
>"Yes we did."
No, you just raped me.
>"We did share a moment, though."
When?
>"After you came."
That wasn't a moment. But when my parents saw us both with stains--now that was a moment . . . of pain and eternal shame.
>"Maybe one day we'll look back on it and laugh, heh, heh," she says with a weak smile
>You hold the shower head over her's until her mane flattens, draping itself over her eyes
>Like a fountain, she spits out a jet of water
>"Point taken."
Good. Now hold still while I get the rest of this shellac off of your back.
>Her coat was very close to being clean now and her back didn't feel like it had a shell on it anymore
>The only thing was, your ejaculate had hardened now, and your pants were starting to crust to your dick
>Just imagining that happening to your back hair is enough to make your skin crawl, you have to give Flutters some credit there
>It's so uncomfortable that you can't even stand keeping them on until you're finished with Fluttershy
I got to get out of these pants.
>"W-What?"
>Fluttershy sees you standing up, your thumbs hooked in your waistband
>"You mean you'll just be in your underwear?"
I think you should know pretty well that I'm not wearing underwear right now.
>This thought seems to break her
>Her face glowing red, she stutters to herself a bit before her wings shoot up off of her back
>Suds and burning hot drops of water splash against your face
>You can't see as you wipe off your face with one hand
>"Oh my goodness. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't--"
>And pull down your pants with the other hand
>"Eep!"
>Strangely enough, Fluttershy doesn't stare all that much at your bottomless self, not even when you're preoccupied with washing her again
>She looks away most of the time, an embarrassed red stripe running across the bridge of her nose
>"I'm sorry for tonight. I really am."
>It gives you pause to see this side of her for once, which is to say, to see her how she is supposed to be normally
>You feel a bit sorry for her
It's fine, I guess. But dammit, Fluttershy, it's the holidays, why didn't you just go and visit your own family?
>She purses her lips suddenly, and folds her ears
>"I, um, didn't think I could manage it. My parents drive me crazy."
>Oh, well, of course they do
>Of course
>Maybe next year you'll just cut out all the holiday hassles, stay home and wait for Fluttershy to inevitably break in
>Fucking families
>Fucking Fluttershy


c23

https://derpibooru.org/1962375?q=cupid

>You hear the doorbell ring.
>Finally.
>You were getting sick of waiting for that fucking pizza.
>'Hot and ready in under five minutes', yeah, your ass it is.
>And you'll be pissed if this ends up being Rainbow Dash at your door.
>She says that you're in love with her, and she never lets a day go by without showing up and forcing herself on you.
>You swear you've suffered more gropes and tugs from blue horse hooves than you ever have from human hands back home.
>At the very least, if she can't fondle you, she will try to get past you and go inside your house.
>And she'll stay in there and sulk until you agree to put out.
>She's a bit like having a big dog that you keep out in the backyard, the one that always tries to push itself past your legs whenever you open the door to go feed it.
>And it's a nightmare whenever she does manage to get inside your house.
>She's way too fast for you to catch her, and if you try to chase her she usually ends up crashing into something of yours that's breakable.
>If she does manage to come inside, you usually end up having to leave for a few hours, long enough for her to get bored and leave on her own.
>So, yeah, you're hoping for pizza and not for Dash.
>Oh God, what if Dash is delivering your pizza?
>You can hear her grating, always slightly-too-loud voice now:
>"Aw, yeah! I got here super fast! Hey, hot stuff, that'll be ten big ones plus tip--the tip of your dick, that is!"
>You hear the doorbell ring again.
>Oh God, you're not ready for this.
>You slowly start to crack the door open.
Just so you know, I will want all of my change back.
>You open the door to a sight that leaves you breathless.
>Standing before you, up on her hind legs, is Rainbow Dash, and her costume conjures up blushing pink pictures of Eros within you.
>Little hearts seem to call to you in the blushing pink air around her eyes, which now look at you so gentle and inviting.
>Her ears are half-folded and she holds her wooden bow behind her arched back and crossed legs.
>She pushes everything below her waist towards you and her free hoof rests along the clothed curve of her thigh.
>Also, fuck--you never noticed how fucking plump her curves are until she wrapped them up all tight in that dress.
>How does she fly as well as she does if she's always carrying around all that ASS?!
>Dash, under sufferance of your gaze, tilts her head and blushes.
>"Need a special somepony?"
>It is not a question but an invitation, and her voice, though oddly soft for her, carries you through rapture.
>She blushes and smiles slightly, everything she wants to know is plainly written on your face.
>Though she leaves it up to you to act.
>But even though you're overcome, you're simply too shocked to act just yet.
>Something feels wrong.
>This seduction, this coyness.
>This isn't like Rainbow Dash at all.
>Even the appearance, though it is correct by the numbers, is wrong.
>She doesn't have messy bed-mane, she hasn't yelled once, and it's already been ten seconds and she's not trying to rip your clothes off of you.
>Whoever this pony that looks like Rainbow Dash is, she isn't the same Rainbow Dash who once said that you loved her.
>That Dash wanted to rip your clothes off.
>But this one, she's making it so that you want to rip her clothes off of her!
>And it's working too!!
>Fuck! That ASS!!!
>Still, it's a bit disturbing to see it whenever someone is clearly not being themselves.
>Should you bring it up to her?
>Does she already know?
>You never wanted to change her, you just wanted her to go away or die or something like that.
>You sigh.
Dash, I . . .
>Just then a blue pegasus drops down from the sky and lands right next to Dash.
>And it's also Dash.
>Except this one is wearing a plain white work shirt, a red cap, is holding a pizza box in one hoof--and she unfortunately does not have much ass to speak of.
>She's also grinning smugly at you.
>"Hey, hot stuff, I've got your pizza. That'll be ten bucks plus tip. . . ."
>She snickers and chews on her bottom lip.
>The tip of your dick, that is!"
>She starts laughing so hard at her own joke that she drops the pizza on the ground.
>Yeah, this is more like the Dash you know, warts and all.
>You'd purse your lips and tell her to get fucked but you're way too confused as to what's going on here.
>And thicc Dash is starting to sweat and back away from you both.
>Until the real Dash (the obnoxious one) wipes the tears from her eyes--and does a double take in thicc Dash's direction.
>Both Dashs pause and stare at each other.
>Then real Dash flips out.
>"Who the hay are you?!"
>Thicc Dash starts stammering.
>"Um . . ."
>She swallows a lump in her throat, her eyes flickering like mad for an escape route.
>They settle in your direction.
>But they're looking past you, and you recognize the look on her face as having belonged to the real Dash before.
>And you're not ready for the mad dash she makes for your door.
Oh fu--
>Thicc Dash's huge hips squeeze past both your side and the door frame, and she enters your house.
>The bump from her hips knocks you off your balance.
>Dash growls and spreads her wings.
>"Hey, get back here, impostor!"
>Wait, you're not steady here!
Dash, don't--
>She takes off so fast in your direction that her hat flies off of her head.
>And your face flies forward into the ground.
>Your nose crunches when you land on top of it.
>Behind you, you can hear the crashing and smashing that follows Dash's chase.
>"Hey, where do you think you're going? . . . You think you can get away from me! . . . Do you know who you're dealing with?! . . . My flanks are NOT that big!"
>You lie there on the ground and writhe in agony.
>Eventually their medley of chaos ceases.
>Which means they either resolved everything already, or Dash just ran out of stuff to smash into in your house.
>You groan.
Fucking hell.
>With some difficulty, you manage to get up, all while holding onto your nose as though it would fall apart otherwise.
>You enter your house.
>No, it's no longer your house but rather sheer bedlam.
>Every piece of furniture that was not nailed down has been upended.
>Every object that was made of glass has been shattered.
>Everything that could be on the floor now is.
>All except for the couch, and that's only because thicc Dash is sitting on it, her legs crossed again.
>She seems calm until she notices your eyes trailing up her legs, again.
>She shifts her weight, rocking a bit in her seat.
>Nothing fazes your stare, though.
>You can't help it, those thighs are mesmerizing.
>Dash's bloody corpse could be lying at her hooves and you still wouldn't look at anything else.
>Hell, you'd probably have to thank thicc Dash if she had done that for you.
>Unfortunately, the real Rainbow Dash casually flies out from your kitchen.
>"There you are. You got any cider?" she says to you.
>The second you hear her grating voice you feel a blood vessel behind your eyes pop.
>You glare at her with the intense hatred of a thousand suns.
>She blinks.
>"You okay . . . ?"
Look around you. Would you be okay if your house looked like this?
>"Oh, don't worry about that. I can have this cleaned up in ten seconds flat, but only after we're finished with our business together."
>Dash raises her eyebrows numerous times following her last few words.
I think I'd rather risk stepping on broken glass for the next few months.
>"Lighten up, why don't you? I brought you pizza, didn't I?"
Where am I going to eat it? I don't have a home anymore.
>Dash breaks out into a smile.
>And even though you're not the one who just got done trashing someone else's house, you know that you just done fucked up.
>Dash flies over to the couch and cozies up next to thicc Dash, wrapping an arm around her.
>"Well, Pheros and I were just about to head back to my place on a cider run, and I know that you're dying to go wherever I go."
First of all, get fucked.
>"Oh, that's totally happening," she says, her eyebrows intensifying.
>You ignore her.
And secondly . . .
>You turn to thicc Dash.
Pheros?
>"Hello," thicc Dash says, waving meekly.
Uh-huh. . . . Pheros, what the fuck are you?
>"It's cool, she's a changeling," Dash says. "Go ahead, show 'em."
>In a flash, thicc Dash is covered in green flames.
>What emerges a second later is some weird looking, sparkly bug or something.
>It certainly looks more like a Pheros would.
>Her glorious thighs are gone though, so it's a downgrade in all other areas for sure.
>"Interesting thing about Changelings, they can feed off of love," Dash says, with her strongest eyebrows yet.
>Feeding off of love?
>That's bullshit but you believe it.
>Pheros nods.
>"Yes, and there is much love here for me to live off of."
Okay, I'm stopping you right there. If you want to feed off of Dash's obsession and call it love, then that's fine, but I don't need any other ponies pestering me right now.
>Not even really thicc-thighed ones that are born seemingly from dreams.
>"What are you saying?" Pheros asks.
I'm saying that one obsessive stalker is enough for me, especially one that's got enough ego for two already.
>"Nothing wrong with knowing you're awesome," Dash says.
Sure, but I can't tell my insurance agent that awesome is the cause for my most recent claim.
>"Why not? That's what I'd tell mine."
Okay, forget about cleaning up, Dash. Didn't you say that the two of you were just leaving?
>Genuinely this time, Dash raises an eyebrow your way.
>You sigh.
Right. Of course you aren't leaving. . . .
>"That's right. Not without getting your tip."
You're not getting my tip! You didn't even get here on time!
>This makes Dash jolt up in her seat.
>"Hey! It took me only ten minutes to deliver your pizza."
You were fucking late!
>"I was not!"
Fuck you!
>"Bet you won't!"
>"Actually," Pheros says, "he would."
>Both of you turn on her.
Huh?
>"What?"
>"Forgive me," Pheros says, "but this fuck you speak of, it means to rut, yes?"
>"Sure does," Dash says. "That's why me and him are always saying it to each other."
Fuck you, Dash.
>"Then it is true," Pheros says, head held high. "He would fuck you, then. I could feel his love for you, and it was very strong."
No, it's not.
>"But it is. We changelings can sense these things."
>She smirks.
>"I did not ever say that I was here to feed off of Rainbow Dash's love, did I?"
I don't care why you were here. In fact, I actually do care about why you're here now when you should be getting the fuck out.
>"I did not even choose my own form when I changed. I merely sensed your own inner desires and personified them."
>Dash turns on you, holding back her giggling.
>"Wait, you're telling me that you actually like my flanks to be way too big?"
>You glare.
It's called thicc.
>"That's so weird, though," she says, breaking out into laughter.
>You scowl and, while gesturing to Dash, turn towards Pheros.
You're seriously going to sit there and try to tell me that I'm in love with this skinny hyena.
>"I took on the form of all of your inner-most desires and was willing, and yet you still were going to reject my advances. You rejected me because you knew I was not the real Rainbow Dash."
So? Any idiot could've known just by looking that you weren't really Dash.
>You gesture to the real Dash.
Case in point right there. She noticed you, didn't she?
>Dash's laughter was not fazed at all by this.
>And neither was Pheros.
>"It was not my form you rejected though, but rather my character, my body's language, my voice--all of them so ill-fitting for the Rainbow Dash you know."
That just means you're a shitty actress.
>"No. It is you who is bad at hiding your true self. Had you tried to take me, then there would have been some doubt, but you rejected me because I was not a true reflection of Rainbow Dash's character.
>"It takes true devotion for one to deny their body's desires solely for the sake of upholding the integrity of another."
>Pheros firmly stares at you, waiting for your response.
>You're taken aback.
Well, I . . . you kind of have a point, but mostly in an abstract way.
>God, she's making this one tiny encounter out into something way creepier, and much more significant, than it all actually was.
>You should've just banged her, she was fucking hot.
>Now, you don't like where she's trying to go with this at all.
>Her eyes are making you feel awkward.
>She even got Dash to start listening closely to her, and you've never seen Dash listen closely to anything.
Look, none of that really proves anything. I don't love Dash.
>Pheros nods but with eyes squinted your way.
>You still have a bad feeling about all this.
>"I have only one question for you: After hearing all I have said about your actions, what do you think that they say about your true feelings for Rainbow Dash?"
>You feel all the color drain from your face.
>There's absolutely no way you can answer something like that without screwing yourself.
>Even further denial would just be a lame way of admitting defeat.
I . . . No, I don't believe any of this!
>There's no way anything she just said can be true, you fucking hate Dash.
My love . . . for Rainbow Dash!
>Though her head is bowed slightly, Dash's eyes are rapidly flickering from your face to Pheros' face.
>She seems to be actively avoiding any chance she might meet with your eyes.
>You scoff and turn on Pheros.
Oh, yeah, sure, good joke. You're saying I love Rainbow Dash, like, that's a fact . . . ?
>Pheros simply smiles.
>Oddly enough, the prolonged silence puts Dash at ease.
>She sighs heavily and leans back in her seat, a big grin slowly appearing on her face.
>"Yeah, well, I knew it all the time, and that's without any magic powers, too. I'm just awesome like that."
What? Dash, she tried to screw me. You're taking her side?
>Their smug, assured faces are answer enough for you.
>"Why should I be worried?" Dash says. "You're in love with me, remember?"
>You start to sputter.
No fucking way. Nope. Fuck you, Dash. And fuck you, Pheros. I don't love her.
>Pheros giggles and turns towards Dash.
>"He's very passionate, isn't he?"
>"Yeah, he can be pretty hot sometimes, when he's in the mood--usually when I'm around."
>"Just can't control himself around you."
>"Ha! You know it."
>Dash bumps her hoof against Pheros', taking the changeling by surprise at this foreign gesture.
>You know for a fact now that Dash isn't going anywhere anytime soon, and neither is Pheros now.
>The only thing left to do is wait this out.
>At least you've pizza for that.
>You step outside and sit down cross-legged next to the pizza on the ground.
>You open up the box.
>Pure unbridled rage fills you.
Oh Goddamn it, there's fucking--PINEAPPLE ON THIS! I DIDN'T EVEN ORDER ANY FUCKING STUPID PINEAPPLE! FUCKING RAINBOW DASH!


c24

>You hear a knock at your door.
>Probably Fluttershy, here to guess your fetish . . . again.
>You open the door to see--
Rarity?!
>"Hello, darling."
I wasn't expecting you this morning.
>"Yes, Fluttershy is still unconscious from her antics yesterday.”
>You slowly shake your head.
I told her juggling bowling balls wasn’t my fetish.
>“Regardless, she asked if I would attempt to woo you in her place."
Wow. Well, that's pretty silly.
>"Yes, but the poor dear, she just can't help it, being in love with a gentleman for the first time."
I don't think that excuses all the times she's stolen my underwear.
>"No, but it does keep you and I seeing each other regularly."
Well, thanks for stopping by and telling me Fluttershy won't be here. I would've waited for her all day otherwise.
>"You would have waited for her? That is quite the show of devotion."
Nah. She interrupts me at work if she misses seeing me in the morning.
>"Oh . . ."
>Rarity is at a loss for words.
Yeah, last time it happened, one of my coworkers had brought donuts in. And, boy, did Fluttershy manage to cause a scene!
>"I'd rather not hear about it."
She pinched the donuts between her butt cheeks and started screaming some nonsense about me eating her ponut.
>Rarity's eyes turn lethargic and she sighs.
>"I know, darling. Every pony knows. Could we please not relive it?"
Gladly. I'm just saying that there's no romance between me and her.
>"I see. But regardless, she is still my friend, and I shall support her in any way I can."
Well, I'm glad you went out of your way to tell me she wouldn't be stopping by today.
>"Not at all."
And I'm sorry she bothered you with that whole 'woo me in her place' nonsense.
>"Oh, no, I agreed to that."
>You pause.
You what?
>"I agreed to help Fluttershy and came here to try and woo you in her place, darling."
>She says this like it's perfectly normal, not at all like she's actually aiding a known rapist.
>You start mentally preparing your escape route right there, should things get too hairy.
Uh, Rarity, you do know that Fluttershy--while she is crazy--she wants me to be exclusive to her.
>Rarity dismissively waves this off.
>"Oh, please, I'm not being a harlot. I am simply here so that I may woo you to her."
You're here to be a wing-mare?
>"If whatever slang you just used means 'supportive friend, who happens to have a keen eye for amore.' Then, yes, I am her wing-mare."
Right . . . you're Fluttershy's wing-mare.
>Rarity gives you an odd look.
>"And just what is wrong with that?"
Well, you do know what she's asking you to do by coming here, right?
>Rarity scrunches her muzzle, as though just realizing something.
>"Well, err, she said something about a fetish guess . . . ?"
That's right.
>She purses her lips.
>"Sweet Celestia. How uncouth!"
You can just back out now if you want to.
>She turns on you severely.
>"No! I must help my friend! I must!"
Okay, okay. Don't get so dramatic.
>"You're asking the impossible of me, darling," she says with a wink.
Not really. It’s just that none of you ponies know how to control yourselves.
>"What do you mean?"
I mean you ponies always act over the top about everything. You're like cartoon characters.
>“Now that’s simply ridiculous.”
Well, I don’t know what else I would call daily fetish guesses, or friends agreeing to do them in place of another friend.
>“I have plenty of self-control. I used to be a chocoholic, but I’ve been five months sober and my teeth and figure both thank me for that.”
I’m proud of you. Really, I am.
>"Well, thank you. I--"
Are you going to do the fetish guess now?
>She pouts for a moment.
>“Well, as much as I’d like to pat myself on the back for how much control and grace I possess as a refined lady, I think I will go ahead and get this task of ours done with.”
Good, because this has already gone on longer than Fluttershy usually does.
>“Is the suspense exciting you at all?”
No, it never does anymore.
>“Why not? Why, this could be the fetish that will finally make you lose control of yourself, throw away all your inhibitions and run to Fluttershy so that you both can succumb to the passionate throes of hot, animal lust.”
>She pauses after this.
>You purposefully do not respond to her right away.
>"Do you not agree with me?"
Yeah, no. You were writing that one out in your head for a while now, weren't you?
>“Certainly not. I just happened to think it up naturally while we were chatting.”
Sure you did.
>“Just humor me and let’s have this fetish guess go on without further interruption.”
I’m waiting for you.
>She flinches at this.
>"Right, right, okay. So, do I just ask you . . . ?"
Well, she usually does the fetish for me first.
>She loudly gasps.
>"Such exhibitionism!"
Yeah, she's a freak.
>Rarity smirks at you.
>"Come now, I thought all gentleman secretly adored forward, lusty mares."
Do I have to bring up the donuts again?
>"Err, no. But can't you admit that there is something to be said for her passion? Doesn't anything about her sudden advances excite your senses in any way?"
She makes me nervous. Every time I hear that near-mute voice the hair on my neck stands on end.
>"Yes, and wouldn't you rather she made your toes curl?"
>You purse your lips and give her a disapproving look.
You're rather lewd today.
>"I'm just trying to get into character," she says shrewdly.
Just what is the fetish she wanted you to try for her?
>"The thing with that is--"she blushes"--well, I can't exactly perform it, per say."
Good. Then don't.
>"That's okay with you?"
Hell yes! Lord knows I could use a day that goes by without me having to repress a memory.
>"So you'd rather if I just asked you if what she came up with is your fetish?"
I would like nothing more. Whatever gets this whole thing finally over with.
>"Okay, then."
>Rarity takes a moment to herself.
>Then she turns her eyes on you fully and smiles with clear, forward intent.
>She brushes up against you, leaning her body against your legs as her frank, upturned eyes look to yours.
>She's already much better at this than Fluttershy.
>You feel something stir inside you when she says your name.
>"I have a question I want to ask you."
>You swallow a lump in your throat, suddenly dry.
>"I just wanted to ask . . ."
>She presses her cheek against your thigh and purrs.
>"Would it catch your fancy if you and I were to cuckold Fluttershy, darling?"
>You both stand there a moment.
>Then your boner springs so hard out from your jeans that it knocks Rarity down to the ground.
>She whines and starts to rub her cheek, which now has a big red mark on it from where you cockslapped her.
>Slowly, she turns her head to see you looming atop her, and there's confusion and uncertainty in her eyes.
>Your fists are shaking and your boner is sprung, throwing its throbbing shadow across her face.
>She swallows a lump in her throat.
>"Darling . . . ?"
We're doing this one.
>She squeals when you wrap her in your arms and carry her close to your chest.
>She catches on once you carry her inside, past the threshold.
>"Darling? Wait! Stop!"
>She starts to squirm and fuss.
>"No, no! Think of Fluttershy. . . . We can't do this, it's not right!"
>She's not fighting very hard.
>Your arms barely budge at all, even when you relax your muscles.
>Even in her eyes you don't see fear but rather something bold, the pupil opening up inside the iris and overtaking it.
>You can feel her rump pushing against your cock, your shaft rubbing on the small of her back.
>She presses her hoof against your chest to vainly push herself away.
>"No, no! We mustn't, darling! We mustn't!"
>There is nothing behind her words or what she says but all her passion, all her feeling that's alive within her trembling body, is held inside her voice.
>She's fighting against you, her body against yours, but she's not at all against what is about to be done.
>But she still fights regardless, keeping her end up the whole time, all the way until you're both closed inside with each other.
>Only then does she let the drama dissipate and eagerly let herself swoon into what must be done.

>You both lie next to each other in bed, out of breath, the musk and sweat still fogging the air around your roughed-up hair.
>Rarity gives her messy mane a slight brush with her hoof, vainly trying to straighten it.
>She gives up quickly and, after a short deep breath, says:
>“Well, that . . . that did not go how I thought it would.”
I could say that, too.
>She looks over at you and smiles.
>“But Sweet Celestia was that ever a good break from routine!”
Yeah, you were right, Rarity. I did just need someone to make my toes curl.
>After a moment Rarity sighs and curls up next to you.
>You pull her close to you in an embrace and she nuzzles her cheek against your side.
>“Do you have any chocolate, darling?”
No, but we can go get some. There’s nothing better than some chocolate to go with your melted marshmallow.
>You pinch her flanks after saying this and she giggles and swats your hand away.
>Her voice grows somber:
>“But, darling, whatever will we do about Fluttershy?"
It'll be fine.
>"But we won't be able to do this again once she's back on her hooves.”
I’ll just get her to knock herself out again.
>“What?”
I’ll tell her that juggling bowling balls actually was my fetish.
>“Do you really think she’ll believe that?”
Well, she took a bowling ball to the head, so I’m counting on some kind of permanent damage to help me with that.
>“And she’ll do it again?”
Oh, yeah, for sure. She has terrible self-control. And don’t worry, she’s a terrible juggler.
>“But what if she gets better?”
Tomorrow is another day, darling. Let’s just go get that chocolate.
>Rarity sighs in acknowledged defeat.
>"I'm a terrible friend to her for doing this, aren't I?"
Nah. She's terrible.
>"I still feel bad."
All the more reason to indulge yourself in that chocolate then.
>"It has been a while since I last indulged a bit."
>Rarity licks her lips, her eyes expanding withing themselves again.
>"And I do want it. I want it bad."
Then let's get it.
>"Oh, yes! I want it!"
>She throws the covers off of her and jumps out of bed.
>"Hurry and get dressed."
>She throws your pants at you, the crotch slapping against your face.
>She sees you staring at the pants and starts prancing in place.
>"Hurry, hurry!"
Rarity, calm down. We've got time.
>"Nonsense. You have a lady with cravings here to treat and it would be rude to keep me waiting."
>You roll your eyes, smiling.
>For some reason, seeing her so antsy and impatient with you, it makes you feel very happy.
Fine. I'll indulge you, this time.
>"Just this time? Don't sell me short. I think I'll do much better than that."
>You watch her leave the room, listen to her as she descends the stairs and stops by the front door to wait for you.
Oh, I'm at least sure that you'll try. You'll always try.
>You grab your pants and hurry out of bed.
>Because tomorrow you're going to have to again indulge--
>Fucking Fluttershy.
>But it'll be worth it so you can keep on--
>Fucking Rarity.


c25

>"Happy Hearts and Hooves day to you!"
>You stare firmly at the cake held under your nose
>'Happy Hearts and Hooves Day!' is written on it with white frosting
>Below that: 'Ride my face', written in red frosting
>You sigh
Fluttershy--
>"Should we do what the cake says?"
Fluttershy, the cake is drugged, isn't it?
>"Nope."
Yeah, right. You wouldn't have made it otherwise.
>"It's actually very difficult to drug a cake without being wasteful. Just to make the drugs potent at all throughout the cake means having to mix in enough sedative to lull a large grizzly bear to sleep."
>She looks proud of herself for knowing this
>Until she sees your face
>. . .
Fluttershy, what the fuck is wrong with you?
>"Well, um, it's not drugged, anyway. Please eat it."
>She tries to push the cake against your lips
>You grab the box and hold it back
Even if the cake isn't drugged, I'm not eating it. You could have done something else with it.
>She frowns
>"All I did was bake it with lots of love."
Exactly! I could take a bite and there could be a dildo or something in it.
>"There aren't any dildos."
I'm not taking the risk.
>"But it's a heart-shaped cake. Where would I fit a dildo?"
It's probably one of those curved ones, then.
>Fluttershy raises an eyebrow at you
>"Do you know of a dildo that could fit in this little cake? Because I certainly don't."
Don't judge me, horse. I've had to be prepared for this kind of thing.
>"I think you might be confused, though. It would actually be really hard to make a cake around a dildo."
A regular one would fit just fine.
>"Well, if that's what you think."
But, hey, you're probably right about one of your monster-cock dildos not fitting in it.
>She purses her lips
>"They're not monsters."
Fluttershy, they're the size of arms. My arms!
>Fluttershy smirks and bows her head slightly
>"It's common knowledge that ten inches is about average size, and only anything after fifteen can really be considered big."
>After saying this she looks off dreamily towards the sky, a bit of drool flowing out the side of her mouth
>Her eyes are sparkling as she moans to herself
>"Mmm, big cocks . . . !"
>You snap your fingers in front of her face, but this doesn't register with her at all
>She's too focused on her intrusive thoughts to notice anything
>Her arms go limp, and the cake falls face first onto the ground, splitting itself apart on top of a pointed rock
>You stifle a giggle
>Well, that's taken care of
>Fluttershy blinks, then looks down and gasps
>"Oh no!"
>Fluttershy lies down in the dirt and scoops the pieces of cake into a pile, as though trying to push it back all back together into one piece again
>She shapes the pile of cake bits into a heart again
>It holds for a second before crumbling back apart
>Fluttershy folds her ears and her face drops itself down into her own chocolatey pile of defeat
>She whimpers
>You scratch an itch behind your ear
Okay. Can I go now?
>In an instant, Fluttershy raises her head and glares out at you from messy, chocolate-smeared eyes
>"This is your fault! Why couldn't you just accept my gift to you, and on Hearts and Hooves day no less!"
You fucking what? This ain't my fault.
>"Yes it is. You went and filled my mind w-with . . ."
>She mumbles and blushes fiercely
With what? Cock?
>"With lewd thoughts! Even though you knew what it would do to me."
>She closes her eyes, crosses her arms and starts pouting
>It's then you see that, through the magical sticky quality of smeared chocolate, there's actually a little pill that's stuck to one of her arms
>The pouty mare doesn't notice this
>"Now you have to apologize to me for ruining your Hearts and Hooves gift."
Oh, do I?
>"Yes, you do, mister!"
I'm not going to do that.
>"But you have to. In fact, that might not even be enough to make me forgive you. You'll probably have to do more, much more."
>Her eyes still closed, she breaks out into a wiggly smile as the blush across her face darkens
>"You're going to have to do some things for me, things that you can't refuse if you want my forgiveness. But I'll be gentle, unless you don't want it like that."
>You reach out and pluck the pill off from her, pulling a couple hairs out from her arm in the process
>She yelps and turns to glare at you, until she sees the pill you're holding
>Her eyes go wide at the sight of it
>"Oh, that . . . it's been there the whole time. Also, it's my medicine. I mean, it's not for you. Um. . . ."
>She forces herself to smile at you
>You blink, then slowly look down at the pile of cake bits
>Pills
>Pills everywhere
>Fluttershy's eye starts twitching involuntarily
>"Um . . . you see . . . I got to go!"
>She takes off into the air
>"Happy Hearts and Hooves day! Make sure to call me first if you eat any of that cake!"
>You watch her until she's out of sight
>Then you look closely at the pill in your hand
>The capsule is dildo shaped
>You toss it away
>She could've at least filled the cake with candy pills for a change
>Fucking Fluttershy


c26

>You look down at the bowl of soup the waitress just served you
>You break into the top layer of golden-brown crust and start to dig in it
>Huh, there's a lot of apples in this soup
>And . . . are those pills?
>You turn to the waiter
Excuse me, but this is not the pie I ordered.
>She bends her face down close to the pie
>"Oh, I see. Mighty sorry about that. What pie was it that you ordered again?"
Soup. It was soup that I ordered.
>"You sure you don't want to just try the pie? Those apples are fresh."
There's also pills in it.
>"What? Nah, those are just sprinkles."
Then why are they all the same color?
>"They're flavored sprinkles . . . ?"
Nah. They're clearly pills.
>"No, they just look that way, that's all. They're sprinkles. Honest."
>The waitress smiles broadly as sweat starts to pour down her face
Are you alright?
>"You should eat one . . . the sprinkles, I mean."
I don't want sprinkles.
>"Then just eat the pie."
I don't want--Look, I just want my soup, please.
>"Alright, I'll get you your soup."
Thank you.
>"You want just a little sprinkles with it or a lot?"
A little. . . . None. What the fuck?
>You take a closer look at your waitress
>It's actually Applejack
>She swallows nervously as you narrow your eyes at her
>"You interested at all in our specials?"
Quiet, you.
>She winces
>You start glaring at her
>Knew something was up the minute you saw that your soup was actually pie
>You may have caught Applejack, but there are still concerns to keep in mind
>Pink concerns
>Applejack and Pinkie always work together
>Applejack harasses you because Pinkie does it, which automatically means AJ has to help her, because family and all
>And Pinkie harasses you because . . .
>Well, she shrugged last time you asked her why
>You would've gotten her to elaborate a bit more on it, but you had to jet because she had gotten the choloroform bottle open by then
>You don't see Pinkie anywhere around you right now though, and you made sure to look up this time, too
>Turn towards Applejack
So what are you and Pinkie planning this time?
>She doesn't say anything
>You take a closer look at the Applejack next to you and realize that she's actually standing up behind your chair
>She presses her hooves down on your shoulders and starts pushing down on you
>"Excellent choice, sir! This here shoulder massage is our special tonight, sir."
>She's too strong for you to jump out of your seat
>Actually, no, she isn't
>But upon closer inspection, you feel your ankles have been tied to the legs of your chair with rope
Oh, come on. When did you tie me up?
>"Just a safety precaution."
>Go to scream for help
>Applejack wraps her arm around your neck and pulls you back against her chest, choking you
>"You just go ahead and relax now."
>You cough, your face straining
>Applejack looks around nervously
>"Uh . . . look at that, your soup's here!"
>Your soup actually is on the table now, right next to the pie
>"And there ain't even any sprinkles in it, just like you asked. So you go ahead and dig in."
>"Oh, I will!"
>You suddenly feel your cock flop out from your unzipped pants
>Loud slurping sounds follow
>You take a closer look at the soup and see that it's actually Pinkie Pie sucking your dick underneath the table
>The soup is also there this time, too, but that doesn't stop Pinkie from sucking your dick
>Feel Applejack tighten her grip around your neck
>"Afraid you ain't getting out of this one, not without causing a mighty ruckus."
>Shit, she's right
>Ponies are already sneaking glances over at you because of all the slurping noises, and most of them look annoyed
>Pinkie looks up at you with those big blue eyes of hers and giggles
>"I can feel you getting hard. Now it's time to make you pop!"
>She then lines up your dick with her mouth, licks her lips, and, with no finesse or hesitation, shoves your entire member down her throat
>In an instant, Pinkie's face is as red as yours
>Tears streaming down her cheeks, she gags and chokes on your thick member as it completely blocks her tight throat
>Her spread lips lock around your base, creating an airtight suction that pulls you off as she bobs up and down on your cock
>You can feel your dick bugling down in the bottom of her throat, throbbing against all of her tight muscles
>Her nose, buried in your pubes, flares as the strain of your cock pushing past her throat becomes too much for her
>What little breath she has blows out from her nose and tickles your waist
>But in a desperate bid to finish you off, she pushes her entire face deep into your waist and completely encapsulates your cock, all the way to the pubic bone, in her tight, warm wet mouth
>It's too much for you
>Your breath hitches and you thrust your hips forward and burst deep inside Pinkie's throat
>Her eyes go wide and she moans as you coat the bottom of her throat with your first load
>She swallows it all, her neck straining to do so, before she pulls off of you with a gasp
>Your warm wet cock flops onto her face and you fire three more full loads, coating her forehead in hot sticky cum
>You can hear Applejack chuckle
>"Heh. I think you got him now, Pinkie."
>"I'll say," she says, her voice hoarse. "You should've seen what I had to swallow. It could've filled a pie!"
>Pinkie then takes your napkin off the table to wipe off her mouth, along with the rest of your cum, which is dripping down her face
>Applejack lets you go
>By the time you've caught your breath, Pinkie and her are standing on either side of you
>They're both rubbing your thighs
>"Well, we'd love to stay and join you, but you look exhausted after all that," Applejack says
>"Yeah, and besides, I don't think I can eat any more. I'm too full," Pinkie says, patting her round tummy
>"Still, if you're fixing for some pie, stop on by the farm for a while."
>"Yeah, we'll give you two pieces."
>They both take slices of warm pie and drop them on top of your lap
>Applejack and Pinkie leave you then, your face flushed, and your waist now a wet, crumby mess
>You stew in your seat, stinking of sweat and shame
>A waiter approaches your table
>"I'm terribly sorry sir, but could you please enjoy your soup in a quieter fashion?"
>You stare off, not really noticing him
>"Sir?"
Huh?
>"Some of the other diners are complaining."
Why?
>"They say you're slurping too loudly."
>You purse your lips
>If only they really knew
Ah, I see. Could you try a piece of this pie for me, please? I think there's something off about it.
>The waiter hesitates before gingerly picking up a slice and biting into it
>"It taste fine to me."
>Then his eyes go wide
>"Wait, we don't serve pie here!"
>Suddenly his eyes roll up in his head and he falls forward, face-planting on top of the table
>He crumples to the floor
>You frown
I knew those weren't sprinkles.
>Fucking Rapist Pies


c27

>You are tired and ready for bed
>So tired that the stray bits of confetti on your pillow, leftover from who knows when, don't even bother you
>You crawl into bed, close your eyes
>And start cuddling with your oversized teddy bear
>Okay, the teddy bear is certainly new
>Yeah, Pinkie Pie must have broken into your house and left that for you
>Maybe that's why she never showed up this morning
>Still, feels nice to cuddle something
>You turn off the lights and hold the teddy closer
>"Goodnight, Nonny."
Yeah, goodnigh--AAAHH!!!!
>Realize you're snuggling with Pinkie Pie
>Jump up in bed
>Turn on the lights
>She's lying on her side now, and looking up at you and giggling
What are you doing here?
>"Why? Did I wake you up? I didn't mean to, honestly. I was super-duper quiet for a while there--you didn't even notice me."
>There's clear pride glowing on her face but no pause in her monologue to show that she has even noticed it
>You try to stop her
Pinkie--
>"So I was doing my best to be a sneaky Pie when I saw that you were super tired, and so I figured that you wouldn't even notice it if I was in bed with you."
Pinkie, that's--
>"So I got into bed with you. But then you just grabbed me out of nowhere and started holding me real close--"
Pinkie, you--
>"Which I thought was super weird, since normally you're all like 'Grr! Pinkie, stop touching me!' But not this time!"
Pink--
>"This time was really different. You even seemed to like it when you were holding me."
P--
>"At least, I thought you liked it. Because when I bumped my rump up against your wiener, I felt something poke me in my--"
PINKIE PIE!!
>She sits up
>"Yes?"
>She's smiling and attentive to you now, completely unaware of the clear annoyance on your face
Pink--
>"You know, I don't mind it if you still want to cuddle. Finish where we were going just a bit ago."
>Before you can scream at her, she makes a gesture for you to continue with what you were trying to say
>You take a deep breath to calm yourself first
Pinkie . . . I'm going to bed.
>"Oh, I know I usually come by to see you in the mornings--"
Good. Now, get out.
>She starts pouting
>"But I can't sleep. I keep thinking things. My pinker thinker is full of all sorts of thinky thoughts that I can't get rid of."
>She starts massaging her temples, clear strain on her face
>She falls down onto her back and begins staring up at the ceiling
>A silent moment lingers
>She's waiting for you to say something, to show her even the slightest bit of interest
>No matter what you say, you're sure that she'll interrupt you
>You could physically throw her out, but she'd find a way back in
>Reminding her of the court order you had put against her won't do anything
>At best a couple members of the Royal Guard would come by, take a statement from you, then leave after a few hours
>And she'll be back immediately after they're gone
>She'll be back with cupcakes and confetti
>God, there is so much fucking confetti in your house
>At that moment a red confetti scrap flutters down onto your lap
>Confetti is stuck to your ceiling in small patches all over
How the fuck is that stuck up--
>"So I was looking at this snazzy new book Twilight got for me."
>You already know the book she's talking about is an interspecies lovemaking how-to
Goddammit. I don't want to hear your sex thoughts.
>"This isn't just a sex thought, it's really weird, too."
Of course it's weird, it came from your head.
>"You want to hear it?"
You want to give me the evidence I need to take you back to court?
>She frowns
>"No way. Court is so boring, and the judge is really mean to me."
You stole evidence, though.
>"But those were my cherry-flavored anal beads and I wanted them back before they were gonna lose their flavor."
Why? They'd already been in my ass.
>A creepy smile from Pinkie tells you that you answered your own question
>At least she's against going back to trial now
>You could not afford any more court costs
Anyway, if you remember the outcome of our trial--
>"It was so long. I'm glad I kept a few of those beads to suck on during the whole thing."
You know that legally you're supposed to stay twenty feet away from me, for reasons upholding public decency.
>"That's only when other ponies are around, though. Do you see any other ponies around?"
You're in my house--in my bed!
>"One of the thoughts I had was--" she began giggling "--wait, do I have to tell you what anal vore is?"
Fucking Christ! Pinkie, no!
>"So you do know what it is. Great! Because it's really funny."
>Your face falls slack
>"Here's my thought: What would happen if you anal vored some pony after they had already anal vored you? Would it just go on forever or would one of your butts prolapse after a few times?"
>This paints a vivid picture in your mind
>You don't like it
>"That's a thinker, ain't it? Oh! I've got more! Why call it a penis? Shouldn't it be called a peins, since your pee goes in the pony pussy?"
>As Pinkie babbles on, you look over at the drawer on your nightstand
>You had it locked because the only bottle of whiskey you have is in it
>You're so thirsty for a drink right now that you're getting shakes
>It's been so long since the last one. . . .
>No! You are not ruining your sobriety because of her pink ass
>You're just going to have deal with her, take this one like a man
>Pinkie's voice chimes back in:
>"Do you know what genital mutilation is? Boy, I've been thinking on this one a lot."
>You lie back and start to massage your temples
I am so tired. . . .
>Then, from out of the blue, a solution pops into your head
>You grab the phone off the nightstand and dial your lawyer
>Pinkie hangs on your shoulder and is somehow able to ask you twice every second who it is that you're calling
>After five rings, a tired voice on the other line says hello
>You answer:
Pinkie Pie's in my bed.
>You recognize the grumbles that follow on the other line
>Pinkie starts shaking your shoulders, still asking who you're calling
>You answer a question on the other line
Yeah, she's touching me right now.
>Shortly, you're handing Pinkie the phone
My lawyer wants to explain the legal recourse you face for your actions thus far.
>She looks worriedly from you to the phone in your hand
>She whispers in your ear:
>"Tell him I'm not here."
>You hold the phone against the side of her head
>Then pinch her on her pink stomach paunch
>"Owie!" she says into the phone
>Then she goes quiet for a moment
>". . . Oh, hello, sir. Yeah, I guess I can we can talk."
>She listens for a while, nodding and answering his questions in an uneasy voice
>"What kind of document?"
>Her eyes go wide
>"It's how many pages long?! . . . What about pictures? . . . No pictures at all?!"
>She groans and slides against your headboard until she's lying down
>"Yeah, I'm listening. . . . Okay, I'll keep my hooves on my side of the bed."
>As she's saying this, you smack away a hoof she was sliding over towards your thigh
>She winces then sticks it in her mouth to suck on it for a bit
>In a few seconds Pinkie's eyes glaze over and you can tell the legal talk has started
>She's going to be involved in that for a while
>And you're still tired
>You should have kicked her out of your bed before all this
>You look up at the confetti that's stuck on the ceiling
Wonder if I got time to scrape that--
>Pinkie's loud snores cut you off
>She's out like a light
>Well, that took about two seconds
>Come to think of it that's about how long she was able to stay awake during your trial too
>Now you just have to get rid of her
>The moment you reach for the blankets, she grabs you
>She wraps her arms around your waist and buries her face in your side
>You can feel her snoring against you, her drool wetting your pajama shirt
>Try to pry her arms off
>She grunts and pulls herself tighter against you
>You stop before she can wake up
>Well, you have two options
>You can either go to sleep with your new Pinkie bear attached at your hip
>Or you can wake her up and hear whatever she has to say on genital mutilation
>After a decisive yawn, you sink back under the covers
>Pinkie's arms slide up along your body until they are blocked by your armpits
>Then she lets go
>But only so she can reposition herself to hug you better
>You decide to let it go
Goodnight, Pinkie.
>"Goodni--" she snorts, smacks her lips, then presses her cheek against your shoulder
>A piece of confetti floats down and lands on your cheek
>You brush it away before shutting the lights off and going to sleep
>Sometime later two Royal Guards kick your door down and storm your room
>But the force from the kick causes all the confetti from the ceiling to fall down, blinding everyone
>It covers Pinkie's tracks as she makes her escape
>She smashes your window with your phone before diving out headfirst and falling two stories
>She was fine
>You broke your ankle in the fall and vowed to never let her hug you again
>That mare just doesn't know when to let things go
>At least, that's what the judge says during your latest trial
>Pinkie probably didn't hear her, though
>She was really invested in this book she brought with her and she kept whispering things to her lawyer that made him gag
>Fucking Pinkie Pie


c28

>Just another day in Equestria.
>Hear someone knocking on your door.
>Look through the peephole and see it’s Fluttershy.
>Leave her there and head up to the bathroom, all while pretending you can’t hear her when she keeps knocking.
>While you undress for your shower, you think about Fluttershy.
>You get seriously creepy vibes from that pony.
>Every morning she finds an excuse to come over for something.
>Yesterday she wanted to borrow a cup of sugar.
>You live on the other side of town from her.
>She literally flew past every store in town to come and ask you for a cup of sugar.
>Then she tried to kiss your hand when you gave it to her.
>When you’re undressed down to your boxers you hear a light tap on your window pane, even though it’s on the second floor.
>Something catches your eye, but when you turn to the window you see that it’s empty.
>You go to the window and look outside.
>See Fluttershy flying away from your house.
>You close the curtains on your bathroom window and shudder at the idea of her seeing you naked.
>After you’re cleaned up you head into town to return a library book you borrowed from Twilight.
>Feel something fall on top of you, knocking you down to the ground.
>Feel ropes tightening all around you.
>It’s a net.
>Somebody currently living in the twenty-first century just dropped a damn net on you.
>See Fluttershy is hovering above you.
>“Don’t worry, sweetie. Momma is going to make you feel all better soon.”
>Holy crap! This pony is actually crazy.
What do you think you’re doing? Let me go right now.
>“I’m afraid I can’t. But don’t worry, once I take you back to my cottage, we can spend all day repeatedly showing each other our love.”
You what?
>“Show each other our love, multiple times, maybe even in our butts.”
Oh my God! You’re a rapist!
>You pause.
This explains everything about you so far.
>“No, it’s not rape—at least it won’t be once you start enjoying it.”
Do you even hear yourself?
>“Wait! Just let me get you naked so I can explain it better.”
Nope.
>You quickly grab Fluttershy’s back leg through one of the holes in the net.
>She screams as you pull her down.
>Soon you have her trapped in her own net and slung over your shoulder.
>She starts shaking as you go into town.
>“Where are we going?”
>You don’t answer her.
>You’re going to bring her straight to Twilight so you can get a restraining order put against her.
>Other ponies in town are all turning their heads at the two of you.
>“Um, I don’t think we should let other ponies see the two of us this way.”
>Actually, they don’t seem as concerned as they should be; but you don’t care.
>“Maybe you could take me back to my cottage and we can get naked and talk things over?”
Yeah, that’s totally why you threw a net on me, to talk things over.
>“Well, doesn’t pillow talk count for anything.”
No, the time for talk is over, Fluttershy.
>Fluttershy squeaks and stays silent from then on.
>You barge into the throne room and find Twilight.
Twilight, it’s time we talked about something.
>Twilight looks at you severely.
>“What do you think you’re doing to Fluttershy?”
>“Um, Twilight, do you think you can untie me?”
>You shake Fluttershy a bit.
You be quiet.
>Twilight rips the net out from your hands with her magic.
>Fluttershy goes tumbling out from the net, hitting her head on the floor as she falls.
>Twilight approaches her.
>“Are you okay, Fluttershy?”
>Fluttershy whimpers and rubs the top of her head.
>Twilight glares at you.
>“You hurt her.”
What! That was your fault.
>“Then why was she in that net?”
She threw that net on me and tried to take me back to her cottage with her.
>“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Hey, she’s the dumb one, not me.
>“And just why was she taking you back to her cottage?”
To rape me, of course.
>Twilight frowns and one of her ears falls limply to the side of her head.
>“You seriously expect me to believe that.”
It’s the damn truth. You know she’s been acting creepy around me for a while now. This was her end game.
>Twilight slowly looks from you to Fluttershy, who is still on the floor and is backing away from Twilight’s gaze.
>Twilight hums.
>“Fluttershy was going to rape you. . . .”
>She pauses on her words for a moment.
>Then she breaks out in a big smile.
>“Oh, okay, I get it: You’re both messing with me.”
>Twilight puts her hoof over her mouth and lightly giggles.
>Fluttershy awkwardly forces herself to laugh with her after a moment.
>Your jaw hits the floor.
You think this is a joke?
>“Yep,” Twilight says. “And I got to admit, you two had me going for a moment there.”
You what! It’s not a joke.
>“Oh really?” Twilight says. “Then can you explain to me why all of this just happened to occur on Pony Prank Day?”
>You regard Twilight’s expectant smile with confusion.
What is Pony Prank Day?
>Twilight points at you.
>“Ah-ha! I knew you were messing with me.”
What the hell is Pony Prank Day!
>“You can stop pretending that you don’t know,” Twilight says. “You’re not fooling me.”
You fucking—
>“It’s, um, a holiday,” Fluttershy quickly says, “where ponies play pranks on each other.”
>Oh, so it’s just another horse version of a holiday you already know, except this time nobody is guaranteed to go to hell for forsaking Jesus on his birthday.
>“Thank you, Fluttershy,” Twilight says.
>Then she turns back towards you, a smug look on her face.
>“But seriously, there’s no way Fluttershy could rape any pony, especially not you.”
Well, yeah, now she knows that, after she’s already tried to.
>Twilight turns to Fluttershy, who is still wearing an uneasy expression.
>After a moment Twilight starts laughing again.
>“I don’t know how the two of you came up with this whole Fluttershy raping thing, but it’s just too funny.”
>Twilight turns, shakes her head, and starts walking away.
>“It’s just so unbelievable. I love it!”
Wait, where do you think you’re going? You have to get back here and get me a restraining order against Fluttershy.
>“Good one!”
I’m telling you, she’s fucking crazy.
>With her laughter echoing up through the walls, Twilight leaves the room.
>Fluttershy sighs in relief.
>You bury your face in your hands and scream.
>After a moment you feel something tap your leg.
>Pulling your hands down along your face, you look down and see Fluttershy gazing up at you.
>“So, um, do you think you might want to come back to my cottage now so I can see you naked?”
>She smiles at you.
>You take the library book you were going to return and bounce it off the top of her head.
>You walk away and leave her writhing in pain on the floor, all while cursing . . .
Fucking Fluttershy.
>for having the hindsight to pull this shit on . . .
Fucking Pony Prank Day.


c29

>Day the next level of Hell in Equestria.
>You were standing in your open doorway, watching a particular sort of presentation take place.
>"And that's the thirty-seventh unique way in which a pony and a human can have sex."
>On her giant notepad was a crude illustration of you thrusting into her from behind, with you pulling on her mane hard enough to have her body bent into a ninety-degree angle.
>She saw you staring at her drawing.
>"Doesn't that look fun?"
I'm pretty sure your spine would snap in half if you bent up that far.
>"I want you to bend me up," she said, biting her lip
Right. . . .
>Her shining eyes looked you up and down, lingering on your figure.
>"You know what I mean?"
For God's sake Lyra, just get on with it.
>"Fine," she said, grimacing. "It's not like you don't have the time."
>You rolled your eyes.
>This presentation had gone on for almost an hour now.
>All morning, actually.
>And she's the one who woke you up to begin with.
>You had to be ready for work in a few minutes.
>How were you going to explain to your boss that you were late because your crazy rapist kept you busy all morning again?
>Oh, wait, you can't explain that.
>Because it's crazy.
>In fact you were fired a few weeks ago because this sort of thing kept happening to you every day.
>So Lyra was right, you did have time.
I miss my job.
>She lifted up the paper on her giant notepad to show you the next page.
>"Now onto number thirty-eight of the eighty-three unique ways in which a pony and a human can have sex. . . ."
>You sighed and sipped at your now-lukewarm coffee.
Yeah, how about no?
>You kicked the entire presentation over--notepad and easel and all--and sent it tumbling down the front steps of your porch.
>The front legs of the easel snapped in half and the notepad smashed into the ground, coming to rest in the dirt.
>You smiled.
Well, that was fun.
>"What did you do?!" she screamed.
>Lyra ran over and picked up her destroyed presentation, cradling it in her arms.
>"Do you know how long it took me to draw all those different positions?"
No, why? Do you want me to pity you? Because if you do tell me, I will feel sick.
>She grit her teeth and growled.
>"It's fine. I'll just finish these up--again--and be back tomorrow. And I'll keep coming back every day until you finally love me."
Yeah, well, you'll be fucking Rembrandt by the time that happens.
>"Who?"
I don't know--Hoofbrandt or whatver his fucking horse pun name is in this godforsaken universe.
>"What about Hoofbrandt?"
Look, just don't come back. You're never going to win my heart or whatever it is that you want.
>"Oh, but I will, even if I have to come back tomorrow. And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day . . ."
>She got up slowly and began walking backwards, staring at you the entire time.
>"And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day . . ."
>Eventually she walked out of sight and her voice faded away.
>You shut the door.
>There was the sound of magic and a giant piece of paper from the notepad landed on your head.
>You read what was written on it.
>'And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day--"
>You ripped up the paper and left it by the door.
Fucking idiot.
>You took a sip of your cold coffee.
Well, that wasn't so bad, considering it's Hearts and Hooves day.
>In a flash of gold magic, Lyra had appeared and jumped up in your face.
>"I forgot it was Hearts and Hooves day!"
>Oh God no.
>She had a manic look in her eye.
>You felt a cold drop of sweat drip down your temple.
>"In that case, I'll have to be back in the next hour. And the next hour, and the next hour, and the next hour, and the next--"
>Your coffee cup slipped out from your fingers and shattered on the ground.
>She looked down at it.
>"Oh, careful not to step on that broken glass."
>A moment passed.
>Then she fixed you back in her stare.
>"And the next hour!"
>You screamed like a girl.

>Fluttershy looked at you oddly when she opened her door.
>Probably wasn't unjustified considering you were holding a pillow, blanket, and a shovel.
>You took it on yourself to end the awkward silence.
'Sup, Flutterbro. I need a favor.
>"Um . . . okay then."
>She invited you in.
>"So, um, this favor of yours--"
It involves Lyra, yes.
>"Oh, okay. I figured it would."
She's on the warpath today.
>You told Fluttershy about the presentation.
>"I guess that explains why she suddenly became the only pony interested in attending Twilight's 'Building a Better Lecture' classes at the community center."
Fucking Twilight.
>"Do you really think Lyra will spend her entire day chasing after you?"
>There was a flash of magic and a big piece of paper landed on the coffee table before the sofa.
>You and Fluttershy read it.
>'And the next hour, and the next hour, and the next hour, and the next hour . . . !'
>Fluttershy folded her ears.
>"Goodness. You really are in trouble."
I was hoping I could use your basement to hide out in for the rest of the day. I brought a shovel so I can move any piles of animal shit that are down there.
>"Normally I'd let you, but I was keeping Harry and his friends down there during their hibernation, so . . ."
>Literal mountains of shit.
Well my day is fucked then. Thanks anyway, Fluttershy.
>"There has to be some way you can dissuade Lyra from bothering you for the day."
I don't think so, not on Hearts and Hooves day.
>"Well, what if you had a date?"
>You looked at her quizzically.
You want me to go out on a date while that psycho is out there stalking me?
>"I mean it's not like you've ever dated some pony before," she said, shrugging. "Maybe she'd be too embarrassed to bother you if she saw you with some pony else."
>You're thinking more along the lines of, if she saw you with another mare, she'd go:
>'I'm going to kill this little slut of yours, and make you watch before I cut out your eyes!'
>Then again, if she tried to do that, you'd just kick her in the cunt.
>After thinking it over a bit more, you shrugged and turned towards Fluttershy.
I guess it could work.
>"Alright, then let's get ready."
>Hold up.
You mean you're going to be my date?
>"Well, sure!" Fluttershy said, smiling. "It'll be a lot easier for us to pretend than it would be for you to go out and find some pony willing to go along with our plan."
I guess that makes sense.
>"I just want you to promise me something," she said, growing solemn suddenly. "Promise me that, during all of this, you won't get caught up in the thrill and actually fall in love with me, okay?"
>You looked at Fluttershy, your bro.
>You loved her.
>But she was a horse.
>She was a dirty horse, and she had dirty hooves, and greasy fur, and there was thin white mucus sitting inside her wet nostrils and on the bottom rims of her eyes.
>As if that wasn't enough, she also let animals run freely around her house, and they would eat and shed and shit wherever they pleased.
>Hell, there was a literal mountain of collected rodent and bird shit that was sitting in the corner of the living room as you spoke.
>You looked back at Fluttershy.
>And her thin hair-clumped tail raised slightly to let out a fart.
>"Can you promise that you won't fall in love with me?"
Yes, yes I can. Let's go.

>The date was actually going well.
>The two of you were enjoying ice cream cones and chilling at the park.
>Or at least you were chilling, Fluttershy was keeping an eye out for Lyra.
>Still though, it was nice to have the extra pair of eyes, especially when they belonged to a friend.
>Kind of made you wish you hung out with Flutterbro during times when you weren't worried about being raped.
>Speaking of rape, Lyra had finally appeared.
>And she was heading right for you both, looking all kinds of pissed.
>Fluttershy elbowed you softly.
>"Talk and I'll pretend you said something funny."
What should I say?
>Fluttershy began laughing loudly.
>"Oh, you're so funny!" she said, hanging on your arm.
>You turned your head, wondering just how badly that must've set Lyra off, only to find that she was standing two steps away from you.
>Her grimace was fixed and her eye was twitching involuntarily.
>"Okay, so, um"--she cleared her throat, then screamed--"Just what do you think you're doing with this whorse?!"
>You pretended like you just noticed her.
Hmm? Oh, hello, Lyra. I'm just here enjoying some ice cream, with my date.
>You took a long slow lick of your scoop, never once breaking eye contact with the raging mare.
We're having a great time, aren't we, Fluttershy?
>Fluttershy nodded.
>"Yes, in fact--"
>"You shut up!" Lyra screamed at her.
>Fluttershy scrunched her muzzle.
>A lot of heads in the crowd were turning your way now, towards the screaming, raving lunatic mare that was pointing at you.
>"And you, you're supposed to be with me today--and forever from then on! It was at the end of my presentation!"
I kicked it over before the end, remember?
>Fluttershy gasped good-humoredly and pawed at your arm some more.
>"Oh, you didn't tell me you did that, you bad thing."
I'm sorry, babe. It's just--look, I told you she was a cunt, didn't I?
>"She's just upset, though."
Yeah, I'd be upset too if I was as stupid as her.
>"You're still not being nice."
And she's still not gone. You see that? You see the bullshit I have to put up with?
>You pointed right at the deep, dark scowl Lyra wore.
See, look at that. That's a bullshit face if I ever saw one. Now wouldn't you have left by now if you were that mad?
>"Oh, yes, I'd be so embarrassed and hurt that I wouldn't have done anything else but leave," Fluttershy said.
>"Alright, fine! I'll leave!" Lyra screamed.
>Only she didn't, of course.
>Stupid horse.
>She stayed there and kept sputtering angrily.
>"You know what, if you two like each other so much, if you two get on so well, then why don't you prove it and kiss already?"
>You and Fluttershy shared brief looks with each other.
>You both blinked plainly.
>You turned back towards Lyra.
Yeah, no thanks.
>"We haven't really been together that long," Fluttershy said.
Yeah, we've been on this date for, like, not even an hour.
>Lyra threw her hooves up indignantly.
>"So?! What does that have to do with anything?"
You see, shit like this is the reason I don't like you in the first place.
>"You don't like me? You barely know me!"
>Lyra stepped forward and planted her front hooves on your leg.
>She screamed in your face.
>"How can you say for sure you don't like me if we haven't even had sex yet!"
>The anger in her voice was melting your ice cream, making your fingers sticky.
Okay, time for you to go.
>You picked her up by the scruff of her neck and carried her over to the trash bin.
>She thrashed in your grip.
>"No, you can't just throw me in the garbage like I'm Rainbow Dash!"
>Just then Rainbow Dash's head popped up out from the can.
>"What was--"
>She saw Lyra's ass hanging over her.
>"What the hay?"
>And you dropped Lyra right on top of Dash before turning and leaving her there in the garbage.
>You were wiping the hand that touched Lyra off on your pants when you returned to Fluttershy.
>She was giggling to herself.
>"Oh gosh, that really wasn't nice, was it?"
She'll be fine.
>"I really shouldn't be laughing," she said while covering her mouth with her hoof. "Gosh, I'm so bad!"
>You smiled.
You know Flutters, I couldn't have handled that so well if it wasn't for you.
>"Oh, it was nothing."
No, really, thanks for helping me out today. I mean it.
>"Well, you're welcome," she said shyly. "Anything for a friend."
Yeah, you know, I was thinking we could this again sometime.
>"What do you mean?"
Oh, you know, hang out and stuff, get ice cream.
>"Oh. . . ."
>She frowned.
>"Oh no."
What? Is something wrong?
>"Oh, I thought I made it very clear with you that you weren't supposed to fall in love with me!" she whined.
>You were taken aback.
Huh? No, I don't mean it like that.
>"But how else could you mean it?" she said despairingly, holding her head in her hooves. "I knew this would happen, just like it does in my eastern comic books."
Fluttershy, listen to me.
>"No, I don't need to hear you explain yourself," she said, taking your hand in her hooves. "Because I feel the same way."
>Oh God what.
>She looked up at you through blushing cheeks and hopeful eyes.
>"I know you don't like ponies, but we can make this work, by cucking other mares together like we just did."
>She placed her hoof behind the back of your head and brought you close to her.
>"Because that is your fetish."
Flutters, no.
>"Yes! You mean to say yes, that we will find love through your fetish!"
>She grabbed your sides with her wings and brought you in for a sloppy, dramatic kiss.
>She was more licking your lips than kissing you.
>And she tasted like dog food.
>Your entire face was covered in saliva when she pulled back.
>"Was that good for you?"
>Why was this your life?
>Just then you both felt the breeze as a trashcan arced over your heads.
>Lyra stood tall, menacing, and up on two legs, like a bear.
>And covered in garbage.
>"You stay off of my man, whorse!"
>She tackled Fluttershy, knocking the whole damn bench off from the ground.
>"He's mine now, Lame-ra!"
>"You wish, you animal freak!"
>"Garbage background pony!"
>"One-dimensional waifu bait!"
>They began grappling with each other, and hitting one another in the face with each barb traded.
>"I won't let you have him! I'll love him until the end of time!"
>Punch!
>"I'll love him every hour of every day!"
>Sock!
>"Not if I get to him the next day!"
>Wham!
>"Then I'll just get to him the next day, and the next day!"
>Biff!
>"If you do that then I'll get to him the next day, and the next day!"
>"And the next day . . . !"
>Punch!
>"And the next day . . . !"
>Kick!
>"And the next day . . . !"
>Pow!
>"And the next day . . . !"
>Their voices and blows, in their repetition, faded to the back of your mind.
>You had hit your head on a rock and you could feel it bleeding.
>You slowly got up, wiped the dirt off some of your fallen ice cream, and then placed it on the welt on the back of your head before leaving.

>"Well, this is a surprise," Twilight said upon seeing you. "What made you want to sign up for one of my classes?"
>She looked at you again and raised one eyebrow.
>"And why do you have a pillow and blanket with you?"
I signed up for all of your classes, actually. And I'm sleeping in the broom closet when we're done.
>No pony else ever came here.
>This would be the only place safe place for you now.
>Fucking Hearts and Hooves day.


c30

>You check your supplies one more time.
>Black sunglasses and orange swimshorts are on.
>Your favorite Princess Celestia backside pin-up beach towel is folded under your arm.
>Maybe someday you'll get to have the real thing. . . .
>Oh well--Praise the Sun!
>And last but not least you're carrying your wicker picnic basket full of generic white bread lunch meat sandwiches.
>That was everything you needed for a nice time relaxing at the Apple family swimming hole.
>Now you just had one more thing to take care of.
>If Fluttershy would just get here already. . . .
>There are three knocks at your door just then.
>Finally.
>She sure took her time today.
>You arch your hand and bring it up by the side of your mouth.
Just a second.
>Time to place the final item.
>You drop a soaking-wet bath towel on the floor and run out of the room, making sure that every one of your big stomps carried.
>As expected, the knocking gets faster.
>Eventually she loses patience and Fluttershy just comes in on her own.
>"Um, the door was open," she announces while looking around the room.
>She's completely unaware that you're peeking out at her from behind the screen on the back door, and that you can see her tucking away a spare key beneath her wing.
>You watch closely as her eyes settle on the wet towel, crumpled in a heap on the floor.
>She floats over to it and looks around, making sure she's alone.
>Then she bends down and pushes the wet fabric into her muzzle, practically shoving it up her nose as she takes a long deep sniff.
>She's crosseyed with cheeks shaded crimson when she pulls down the towel.
>Soon she shakes herself free from her reverie and brings her hoof up next to her mouth.
>"Oh my. I didn't catch you as you were just coming out of the shower, did I?"
>Her eyes dart around the room and she turns around many times.
>"That would be such bad timing if I did. I just don't know what I'd do if I saw you n-naked."
>She bites her bottom lip, her wings extending.
>Soon she's up in the air and actively searching for you, leaving a wet trail of drips behind her.
>"If you want your towel back, you have to let me find you."
>Of course she could use that towel to clean up her little lines of plot snot.
>You know she won't though.
>Stupid inconsiderate horse.
>You can hear her sniffing it again, hear the wet squelches from her pressing the fabric into her muzzle.
>At least you hope that those squelches were coming from the towel and not her. . . .
>"I've got your s-scent, mister. You know I'm going to find you."
>She's right about eventually finding you, but she's not going to do it by trying to trick herself into thinking she's suddenly a Basset Hound.
>She's not even right about having your scent, you got the towel wet from dipping it in the toilet.
>"Honey, I'm rubbing my flanks on the leather couch until you come and stop me."
>Not happening, yellow horse.
>She's just going to have to obsessively comb over every spot in Ponyvile, just like she always does whenever she isn't one-hundred percent sure of your current whereabouts.
>But, hey, at least your plan worked for now.
>"The couch isn't doing a good job of finishing me."
>Touch luck, butters.
>"I'm waiting."
>You ease the back door shut and head out for the swimming hole.
>"Hello?"
>...
>Fluttershy sighs, the towel dampening her chest as she hugs it.
>"Sheesh. What's it going to take for a girl to get fucked in this house for a change?"
>She pushes the wet fabric against her muzzle and tosses her head back, inhaling deeply.
>"Oh yeah," she moans. "That's the stuff."

>The swimming hole is paradise.
>Sunbathing, chilling, relaxing.
>You sit up and pat the spot on the towel where Princess Celestia's big ol' ass is.
Time for a sandwich then?
>Her wrinkled white crack is warm from the sunshine, so you take that as a yes.
>Kind of like how you took her never responding to your written invite to hang out as a 'maybe some other time, cutie.'
>But that was so long ago now.
>You sigh, stop thinking about last week and pull a sandwich our from your basket and take a bite.
Mmm.
>Lukewarm generic white bread and baloney, with no sauce or seasoning at all.
>Just the way you like it.
>You only get to take a couple more bites before you spot Fluttershy descending from the sky, and heading right for your spot.
>You check the time.
>Took her about forty minutes to find you this time.
>She even speculates this herself when she lands next to you.
>"I think that took about forty minutes this time. That's a two minute improvement over last time, mister."
>She allows herself a limp hoof pump and a subdued "Yay!" as a reward for her hard work.
>You shudder in fear at her celebration.
>It's learning.
How'd you find me so fast?
>"Well, I noticed that your musky shorts were missing from the drawer."
These are my swimshorts.
>"You don't wear underwear with them, right?"
No.
>"Then they're musky shorts."
Interesting take.
>"It helped me find you, didn't it?"
Yeah, well, maybe you're not as dumb as I thought you were.
>She beams.
>"Thanks, I--"
You can leave now.
>"But I came all this way."
>You turn to her with an unamused expression.
>She folds her ears.
>"Oh, you don't care, do you?"
Good guess, smarty.
>She sighs and plops her rump down next to your towel and stares out at the still, clear water.
>"Well, maybe I'll just . . ."
Yeah, you should.
>She turns on you.
>"Well, maybe I will."
Go do it then.
>"Watch me."
I will.
>"Fine, then."
Fine.
>"Fine."
>She crosses her arms and stonewalls you.
>Two seconds pass.
>"So, um, what were we talking about doing together again?"
>Yeah, she's not going to leave.
>Stupid horse.
>You take another bite before addressing her.
We're not talking about anything, you're--
>Just then you taste something unfamiliar, a crunch in your sandwich.
>A crunch made up of small minerals.
>Almost like . . . Seasoning!
>You take a closer look at your sandwich.
>Sprinkled all over your delicious plain bread and processed meat slices are little brown and tan particles of mineral and finely-divided rock.
>Oh, so it's just sand.
>No seasoning.
>For a second you thought your sandwich had been ruined by adding flavor.
>You fucking hate flavor.
>You take another bite.
>Fluttershy taps you on the shoulder.
>"Um, you can't eat sand."
>You forgot.
>Fuck!
>You spit out your spoiled morsel and start scraping away the wet gruel that had clumped together on your tongue.
>Fluttershy pats you on the back as you hack away.
>You turn on her, bleary and red-eyed, and say her name in an accusing tone:
Fluttershy.
>"What? You think I did this?"
Of course you did.
>She blinks, her face blank.
>"But I'm over here. How could I have--"
I don't know, but you did it.
>She frowns.
>"You're being mean."
Look, all I know is that one minute I'm enjoying a tasty and flavorless sandwich, and then the second you show up it gets covered in sand along with the rest of my basket.
>"The rest of your basket?"
>The rest of your basket?
>You turn and see that your picnic basket is gone, buried beneath a big pile of sand that towers over you.
>You groan.
Fluttershy.
>"I didn't do it."
So, what, a big mountain of sand just fell from the sky?
>"Maybe it was a sand cloud?"
It was not whatever that thing you just made up was.
>"Sand clouds are real."
No they aren't.
>There's the sound of whipping air and a dull thud as something collides with the sand mountain.
>A cloud of sand and dust swirls around the two of you like an itchy dry fog.
>The grainy dust devil twists and whips around your head strong enough to send your sunglasses flying off your face.
>Your eyes shut tight and your throat parches in an instant, sending you into a coughing spell.
Fluttershy!
>"I'm not doing anything, stop yelling at me!"
>Once the cloud dissipates, you wipe the stinging grains out from your dust-caked eyes.
>Rainbow Dash stands upright before you, on her hind legs, while wearing cheetah-print swimbottoms and a pair of sunglasses.
>No, wait, those are your sunglasses.
>You try to say her name, but it comes out like a hoarse whisper.
Dash . . . ?
>She smirks and peers down her (your) sunglasses at you.
>"Well, what have we got here? Another cute little loser that's cluttering up my beach?"
>Did she call you cute?
>You spit out the last bit of sand as Rainbow Dash laughs like a braying donkey.
This is the swimming hole, retard.
>"And it's mine. Listen here, I'd smash your face--only you're so cute that you might tear up and run away crying."
Why do you keep calling me cute?
>"Because . . ."
>She quickly looks to Fluttershy, who makes gestures at her to keep going--only to fold her hooves back in her lap the second you turn her way.
>Fluttershy, acting like she just noticed you, forces herself to gasp.
>"Oh no, it's the bully of the swimming hole. What should we do?"
Shut up, Fluttershy. Dash, give me back my glasses.
>"Or what, you'll let me kick some more sand in your face?"
That doesn't make any--AGH!!!
>Your nitpicking is stopped when a wave of sand is sent flying straight into your eyes.
>You roll around in the dirt, clutching your face in agony.
>Dash starts up that donkey laugh again, this time throwing her head back too.
>"That's it, cutie, you cry and run away. Or maybe I'll just have my way with you right here?"
>"That," Fluttershy starts to whisper, "that's not in the script."
>Dash scoffs.
>"I thought we were improvising."
>"Well, let's just move into the script now."
>Your eyes start clearing and you sit up, trying to tell what's going on through blurry burning vision.
>"Let's take it from my line, okay?" Fluttershy says. "And remember that Plan B is our last resort."
>"Fine. . . ."
What's going on?
>"More sand!"
>Another splash of sand gets hurled into your eyes.
>You flail back in pain.
Oh my God! Why?!
>Fluttershy clears her throat.
>"Stop right there, you bully. I'm not going to let you hurt my cute little mister man anymore."
>She starts stroking your head as she says this.
>God you hate Fluttershy.
>You hear her get up and place herself between you and Dash.
>"Don't worry, honey, I'll protect you."
>The sand burns.
The sand burns!
>Dash does her laugh again.
>"I'd like to see you try, you wimp."
>"I can't lose, I'm fighting for the honor of my snuggle bear."
>"Come at me, bro!"
>"Here I come!"
>"HiYa!"
>"Waaa!"
>The soft thuds of fake blows being traded intermingles with their practiced grunts and drawn-out breaths.
>Ever one for kayfabe, Dash is the louder horse, screaming as she calls out various attacks.
>"Lotus Kick! Mantis . . . Strike! Charley Horse! Ka-Me-Ha-Me-HA! Pepper Breath! Five Point Pony Exploding Heart Technique! Chokeslam! Mangekyo Sharingan!"
>You get the sand out of your eyes again.
>But Fluttershy, who's in a headlock by Rainbow Dash, notices that you got your sight back.
>"Um, Rainbow Dash . . . ?
>"Punch in the Face!"
>"Ow. . . ."
>"Whoops. Sorry about that."
>"Rainbow Dash!"
>"What?"
>She points at you.
>"Oh," Dash says, nodding.
>She tosses Fluttershy aside and leaps at you.
>"Pocket Sand!"
>Oh fuck that!
Princess Celestia's Big Ass Shield!
>You grab the end of your towel and lift it up, thus shielding your face from the blast of sand.
>You hear Dash laugh.
>"Heh. Good one. I think Twilight has that same towel."
>Just as you lower the towel, Fluttershy flies over and elbow drops her friend between the shoulders.
>Dash drops to the ground like a sack of bricks, her eyes rolling to the back of her head.
>You lift your sunglasses off her face.
Troublemaker.
>Panting with exertion, Fluttershy looms triumphant over her battered friend.
>She raises her voice to the sky and lets out a victory screech that blows back her frazzled mane even more.
>She then turns to you with a frenzied look in her eye.
>"So now that I'm the hero of the swimming hole, I guess you'll have no choice but to reward me somehow."
>She smiles broadly, waiting for your response.
>You stare at her.
>The dust film resting on the lenses of your sunglasses is wiped away with an unseen thumb.
>Then you continue staring.
>Her left eye starts twitching involuntarily.
>"Well?"
>You pretend to think it over.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
>"I am?"
No.--Pocket Sand!
>You toss a handful of sand in her open eyes.
>Then, leaving Fluttershy to wail and writhe in the dirt, you begin gathering up your things, occasionally stopping to knock any clinging sand off.
>Rainbow Dash opens her eyes and, groaning, slowly rises to her hooves.
>She watches as Fluttershy, who is screaming, pushes her face down into the water and begins to shake her head rapidly.
>"Uh, Fluttershy . . . you alright?"
>Fluttershy comes up, gasping for air.
>"Plan B is a go, Rainbow Dash."
>Oh no it isn't.
>You decide to get the hell home before you can find out what Plan B is.

>It was pretty easy to leave them in the dust.
>The last thing you heard before leaving the hole was Fluttershy begging Dash to help her rinse her eyes out.
Can't believe I thought she was getting smarter.
>It's just three more steps until you're home.
>You step forward.
>The earth collapses beneath your feet and you fall straight down.
>Once you get your bearings straight, you find that you've fallen into a pit trap.
>Classic Fluttershy.
>Except the dumb horse only dug down about six feet.
>The hole barely even reaches up to your chin.
Getting lazy, Fluttershy.
>From up above:
>"Now! Sand him!"
>You look up to see a car-sized cloud floating above you, with Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash on either side of it.
>They both pull on the cloud, ripping it open.
>Your brain has about a second to process that an absolute fuckton of sand is about to fall down on you like a sack of bricks.
What the fu--
>The steady stream of sand knocks your face down and continues to pour down and down onto you, crushing your neck and pummeling your head and shoulders.
>It beats down on you until you can feel it start to fill the hole.
>By the time it's up to your waist you still don't know what's happening.
>It pins your arms to your sides and soon you're trapped.
>All you can do is struggle to tilt your head upward in the vain hope that Fluttershy was smart enough to know not to bury your head as well.
>You realize then that your life is in her hooves.
>Before you can finish making your peace with what you considered to be God (Celestia's glorious ass) the sand stops coming down.
>It reaches the top of your neck and your chin rests calmly on the surface.
>Peering out through sandy squinted eyes, you see Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash leering down at you.
>And Dash has your fucking glasses on again!
>How do you keep dropping those?
>"So how's the view from down there, pipsqueak?" Dash asks.
Fuck you, Dash.
>You spit some sand out, aiming for her hooves.
>"Oh, tough guy, huh? Why don't you come and get me then."
>She bends over and wiggles her rump at you.
>"Come on, wimp, I'm wide open."
>At this her tail swishes to the side, giving you a good look at her glistening marehood.
>Before she backkicks some sand into your face.
Fuck!
>Your face itches from the dust, your eyes burn.
>You flail your head about, trying desperately to free yourself.
>There's no use in it though, it feels like your limbs are bound to your body.
>"You poor thing. Here, use this to wipe yourself off."
>It is not vision but rather sense that makes you aware that Fluttershy is holding something out for you to wipe your face on.
>You can't trust her, but the pain is too much to bear.
>So you press your face forward into whatever Fluttershy has for you.
>"Eeep!"
>You feel her tense up through whatever she's got for you.
>Can't be good.
>Still, your face feels nice, like it's stuck between two, soft jiggly pillows.
>You begin to shake your face left and right to wipe off as much sand as possible.
>Meanwhile Fluttershy is shaking and whining like she's a whore in church.
>And you can hear Dash snickering to herself too, with Fluttershy occasionally shushing her.
>Now you're totally convinced that Fluttershy has you doing something lewd, probably to her.
>But it's not until your nose slides over a small fleshy ridge and into a warm wet hole that your suspicions are confirmed.
>This hole smells just like your leather couch.
>The crucial difference being that your couch doesn't wink against your lips when you go digging in it.
>You stop moving, you stop everything, as your rage builds up to a crescendo.
>"Aw, why'd you stop?" Fluttershy whines.
>She drags her pussy up and down your face again.
>It leaves a big stripe of her yellowish cooze ooze that starts at the center of your forehead and goes all the way down to the tip of your chin.
>You're about to lose it.
>Dash laughs.
>"Geeze. Fluttershy, you're going to get sand inside you if you keep that up."
>"But I was so close," she whines.
>She begins mashing her fat plot against your face.
>Each time finds her booping your nose with her winking clit.
>Then, just as you regain sight in one eye, Fluttershy's squelching lemon sends a squirt of her juice straight into your eye.
>It somehow burns worse than the sand.
>"I was so close to--"
>And you blow your stack.
>You blow right into her pussy.
FUCKING FLUTTERSHY!!
>Fluttershy's breath hitches, your scream being the one thing that puts her over the edge.
>"Oh my goodness--AAHHH!!!"
>Her pussy quivers and her tail pushes you as far into her as you can go.
>Torrent after torrent of her banana-yellow mare cum squirts onto your eyes and lips.
>Fluttershy lets you go and takes one step forward before her front legs give out.
>She collapses forward in a heap, grinning into the dirt as her slimey sand-smeared ass points up proudly in the air.
>Some of this slime, the discharge that still did cling to your skin like fish oil, slides past your lips and into your mouth.
>Again, it tastes worse than the sand somehow.
>It's like an ocean wave of hay-smelling yellow piss crashed into your mouth then swilled in the back of your throat before leaking back out through clenched teeth.
>So, yes, it tastes worse than the sand somehow.
>"Pocket Sand!"
>A swift current of sand flies directly into your mouth.
>It reminds you that, in the grand scheme of things, sand isn't actually all that much better than Fluttershy's marecum really.
>You spit out some sand and glare up at Dash.
So how long exactly do you two plan on torturing me?
>Dash shrugs.
>"Fluttershy said an hour."
>"The sand'll loosen up enough for you to get out," Fluttershy mumbles, her head still resting blissfully against the grass.
So, what, you're just going to keep this up for an hour?
>"Maybe. Why, are you going to run away crying or something?"
I can't run away.
>"Good. Fluttershy, you're up."
>Fluttershy rises and starts backing that ass up again.
>She looks over her shoulder and her half-lidded eyes lock with yours.
>"Are you going to be a good boy and tell momma how she tastes this time?"
Your pussy certainly has flavor.
>You grimace and spit off to the side.
I fucking hate flavor.
>"Well, maybe I can help you develop a taste for it."
>You flinch as Fluttershy's pussy and ass close in on you for another round of torture.
>But there's nothing you can do to stop it.
>So you decide to do something sensible.
>You tilt your head up and begin screaming like a girl.
Help! I'm being raped and having sand kicked in my face! Someone help me!
>"Hey Fluttershy, he's crying," Dash says, pointing and laughing at you.
>"Poor baby," she coos. "Let momma wipe those tears away."
>Fluttershy smooshes your face into her ass again, fogging up your eyes and your brain with her sour musk.
>All hope is lost at this point.
>You look up to the sky.
>You just have to accept that, for the next hour, you're going to be taken advantage of by
>Fucking Rainbow Dash
>and
>Fucking Fluttersh--
>From the sky a glare of light burns into your vision.
>A screaming comes across the sky.
>You can hear behind you the breaking of sound and air.
>Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash stop what they're doing and search with wary eyes for the source of the sound.
>Then in seconds, it closes the distance between the horizon and them.
>The wind comes up behind you with the speed of a hurricane, it roars in your ears in waves that roll away from where the air had been divided in two.
>There is the sound of whipping air and a dull thud.
>And, in the blink of an eye, a white streak slams into Fluttershy at terminal velocity.
>There was a crackle in the air, like thunder, and then Fluttershy is sent flying backwards, becoming a streak in the air herself.
>She crashes through your house, her outline now set in the walls.
>Her scream is heard for only a second before it becomes apparent that she is too far away for her voice to still exist in your ears.
>It faded slowly.
>And slowly, it was replaced by a bigger, deeper cry of victory.
>"My Big Ass Shield!"
>When all is still again, Princess Celestia is standing before you.
>She looks over her shoulder and down at her magnificent ass, the generous flesh of which is still rippling from the strike she had delivered to Fluttershy earlier.
>Princess Celestia lifts her hoof up and pumps it.
>"A flawless victory. I knew I still had it in me."
>She then turns to Rainbow Dash, who's jaw is flat on the ground.
>"Let's hope you prove to be more of a challenge, Rainbow Dash."
>Dash blinks once.
>"What the what now?"
>"You heard me, Rainbow Dash. Put 'em up!"
>Princess Celestia points her massive ass at Rainbow Dash and moves it forward and back with great speed and dexterity.
>Really, the way she uses her ass isn't any different from how professional boxers use their fists to throw punches.
>Except when these punches went off they wiggled like they were being spanked.
>Through with warming up, Princess Celestia wipes the sweat from her brow and locks eyes with Dash.
>"Alright, here I come, Rainbow Dash. Show me your war face!"
>Dash blinks twice.
>"What? Wait, did you just kill Fluttershy?"
>Then Celestia lunges forward, quickly closing the gap between her and the bemused pegasus.
>Two quick jabs from Princess Celestia's ass was enough to knock Dash into a daze.
>From there it was easy for her to keep delivering consistent blows to Dash by just letting Dash's face bounce off each ass cheek.
>Left, right.
>Left, right.
>And with every smash of Dash's face, Princess Celestia's ass would wiggle and jiggle like it was being slapped around by playful hands.
>Left!
>Dash staggers back, the last blow knocking your sunglasses off of her.
>She's barely holding onto consciousness at this point.
>Celestia sighs playfully.
>"Come now, Rainbow Dash, you're just standing there like a pole."
>Dash, her eyes looking off in opposite directions, just groans in response.
>Celestia rolls her eyes.
>"Alright, let's end this."
>In one swift move, Celestia goes under Dash and brings her entire ass upwards to connect with the bottom of Dash's chin.
>"UpperButt!"
>There's a cracking sound, like that of a homerun being hit, and Rainbow Dash is launched up into the sky, disappearing into the stratosphere with only a brief twinkle in the sky to send her off.
>Celestia looks up and, bringing a hoof up to her mouth, begins to giggle.
>"Well, that was exhilarating."
>You sniffle, happy tears filling up your eyes--with no way to wipe them away.
It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
>Celestia turns and looks down at you, buried in the dirt, and smiles sweetly.
>"Hello there, my loyal subject. I got your invite to hang out, but it seemed that my assistance was needed first."
>She chuckles, then brings her ass down before your face.
>"Get it, ass-istance? It's a funny."
It's the best joke I've ever heard.
>"Really? You aren't laughing."
I'm too happy to. Still doesn't change what I said.
>"Indeed. I must say that I was happy to receive your invite. Never before has the written word evoked such passionate feelings within me."
>You nod along.
Did you like the part where I asked if you wanted some fuk?
>"That was my favorite part, actually."
No way.
>"Way."
Well what was your answer?
>"It was yes."
It was yes, as in you wanted some?
>"Yes."
Some fuk, that is.
>"You bet that is."
That's awesome.
>"I know."
Do you have as hard a boner as I do right now?
>Celestia's smile grows.
>"Wait, you have a boner?"
Yeah, I do. It's under all this sand.
>"That sounds painful."
It is.
>"Let's get you out of there then."
Alright.
>Celestia lifts you out from the sand and you spring free with a pop.
>Your boner flicks up and bobs inches away from her muzzle.
>"Wow, that's nice," she says, crossing her eyes to look at it.
I know, right?
>"Is that for me?"
It totally is.
>"Oh, I love it! Let's get you cleaned up."
>A golden light washes over you, removing all traces of dirt, sand, and Fluttershy's pan drippings from your body.
>You eye up Princess Celestia.
So your place or mine?
>"I can have us in my royal bedchambers in a second. Where's your place?"
Right behind you.
>She turns around and, upon seeing your house, nods.
>"Oh, alright, that's closer."
Sure is.
>She turns back and locks eyes with you.
>"You ready?"
Yeah, let's do it.
>"Let's."
Can I ride on your ass on the way in?
>"I'd be insulted if you didn't."
>You hoist yourself up on Celestia's fat flanks, giving them a playful slap before moving up for a more stable seat.
>Celestia purrs, then says:
>"Hey, make sure to grab my withers, alright?"
Does that mean vagina?
>"Do you want it to?"
. . .
Yes.
>"Then that's what it means."
Do you like generic white bread sandwiches with just plain lunch meat?
>Celestia looks over her shoulder at you, her pupils narrowing slightly as they meet your eyes.
You okay?
>"Hey."
Yeah?
>"You, me, right here, right now. Forget everything else. Okay?"
Yes, ma'am!
>"You have no idea how much I've come to hate flavor after centuries of living."
I know.
>"It's always the same."
I know!
>"Take me now!"
Okay!
>The two of you embrace and lock lips, eventually falling down to the ground in your reverie.
>It is then that you hear something being dragged along the floor in the house.
>Fluttershy appears in the doorframe, just in time to see your face getting drenched by a shower from Celestia's own hot tap.
>Beaten and weary, and with sand leaking out from her vagina, she sighs and collapses on the floor.
>"What's it going to take for a girl to get fucked in this house for a change?"
>"You don't need these," Celestia says.
>Your orange swimshorts get tossed aside and land on Fluttershy's head, the crotch settling right on top of her muzzle.
>Beneath throbbing nostrils, a smile creeps onto her face.
>"Oh," she moans, "musky shorts."


c31

How about a hot punch, Berry? Be a good mare and I'll give you a sugarcube.
>"Uh-huh," Berry answered, without looking at you, before moving further down the bar.
>You kept the glass at your lips and sipped at your drink in intervals, having already downed the previous one in seconds.
>The Ponyville Watering Hole wasn't much with its creaky floorboards and its tawny tweed curtains, which made you feel more like you had come to visit your grandma rather than get drunk.
>But every Friday evening, after the long and stifling hours of the work week had finally subsided for a time, you looked forward to claiming one of its wooden stools and calling it home until midnight.
>It wouldn't be considered a big event for the week to anyone else, but your life since coming to Equestria had become too small for any big events to happen to you.
>You spent any free time that had been granted to you by yourself, alone with your own thoughts.
>It was just as well.
>There was nothing in this world to spend your time on, and no one to spend it with that you could think of.
>You were isolated, and the end of the week served always as a reminder of this.
>Yes, it was the end of another work week, in more ways than one.
>Fluttershy had been on your ass all this time as well, mostly in hopes of burying her face into it.
>Every morning saw something different from her.
>Today you had opened your door to see her with a gallon of water, a funnel, and a glistening tube that was literally meant to go in your asshole.
>She looked happy too.
>It was concerning.
>"I'm a bit concerned for you," she began.
>You sighed.
>This ought to be good.
Why's that?
>"Well, I couldn't help but notice that you were on the toilet for an awfully long time last night."
>Yeah, but that was because you had been reading.
I also happened to be alone last night, or I at least thought I was.
>"Well, I take care of a lot of animals that have problems, you know, relieving themselves."
>The thought of Fluttershy jacking off her animals invades your mind.
Thanks, Fluttershy, but I'm not interested in whatever sick interests you have.
>"Oh, I don't mean like that. Come on, that would just be weird."
>Oh, but her xenophilic obsession with your penis isn't?
>"No, it's nothing like that. I give them enemas."
>Of course she does.
Do you really need a gallon jug of water for that?
>"Well you have a big colon."
>What does she base that on?
>"Did you know that some ponies believe that enemas can give you boners?"
>She smiled while saying all this, by the way.
>This was normal to her now, normal to you now.
>She danced in place for a moment, her anticipation getting the better of her.
>"So I was just thinking that, well, maybe I could--we could . . ."
>You walked past her, but she followed you, tube in hoof, and kept prodding you to try out her sick little experiment.
>You clenched the entire way to work.
>Remembering this wracked your shoulders with shudders.
>You had to wash them down by swallowing the rest of your drink.
>Why did such a weird little pony have to attach herself to you when you found yourself stranded here in Equestria?
>It wasn't like you had ever sought her out or anything.
>The glass emptied and came down, revealing a mostly empty bar for a Friday night.
>Mostly because Fluttershy was standing in the doorway, smiling at you.
>The shudders came back.
>Soon she was sitting next to you.
>You tried ignoring her, looking the other way, but she began scooting her stool closer, trying to bump shoulders.
>When the silence became unbearable, she spoke.
>"So you come here a lot."
Actually, the phrase is you come here often. And it's supposed to be a question.
>"Well then how about if you started coming in here often?"
>She rubbed her flank with her hoof.
>You stared at her blankly until she lost what little confidence she had.
>"You know, if you want to, that is. . . ."
>Fluttershy sighed and faced towards the bar.
>You still scooted your stool away from her a bit.
So what do you want now? Why are you here?
>"It's just that I've noticed that you come in here every Friday night."
That's not something you just notice like it's nothing, you crazy stalker.
>Berry Punch approached the two of you.
>"Nice to see you finally visiting my place, Fluttershy."
As opposed to just watching me go in it from the bushes.
>Berry frowned briefly at your muttering before addressing Fluttershy again.
>"What'll you have?"
>"Oh, I don't know. I'm not much of a drinker. I guess I'll have whatever my friend's having."
>"Alright, one punch."
No, no.
>You waved Berry to a stop.
Pardon me, Berry, but I couldn't help but notice the absence of the word hot in your response.
>"She said herself that she ain't much of a drinker. Ain't that right, Fluttershy?"
>Fluttershy turned her ears down and began softly tapping her hooves together.
>She turned to you for answers.
It's a bar. Get a real drink.
>"I'm fine with whatever you want to give me."
There you go. So give her a cider, Berry, if only for the grace of the God that none of you heathen ponies believe in.
>If you were going to have to suffer Fluttershy's company, then you were going to make her suffer the same.
>Soon as Berry left, you noticed Fluttershy had begun happily rocking in her seat.
What's with you?
>"Nothing. It's just that this is kind of exciting. I usually don't drink cider unless it's in season."
I see.
>You shouted down to Berry at the end of the bar:
Make it a double!
>After cheers, you watched Fluttershy eagerly down half her mug of cider.
>Upon the drink leaving her lips, she sighed in satisfaction and wiped away the suds that clung to her upper lip.
>You couldn't help but feel a little proud of her.
I guess you aren't a yellow belly when it comes to a drink.
>"It's really good. Maybe I should come here more often."
>She batted her eyes at you.
>You rolled yours in response and looked away.
>Usually, you never saw Fluttershy this late in the week.
>You hadn't been expecting her again until Monday morning.
I thought you had your animal sanctuary to look after on weekends.
>"Well, that's where I'm going first thing in the morning. So I can't drink too much."
Don't worry. I'll probably be leaving soon.
>"Uh-huh. Sure."
>She sounded careless when she said this, which you found odd until you checked the time.
>It wasn't even ten yet.
>This damn pony--she knew your routine even better than you did.
>Oh, wait, she's your stalker: she's supposed to.
>You kept looking away so she couldn't see the vexation that wrinkled your eyes.
So what is it, you're no longer content with bothering me every morning? Now you have to disturb my nights too?
>She took a while to respond, probably trying to find a better way to put it to you.
>"Um . . . yeah, kind of."
>You what?
Wow. That was honest for a change.
>You began turning to face her, only to see that she had been leaning over towards your side already.
>A faint blur of yellow quickly escaped your periphery by the time you were fully facing her.
>Under your direct scrutiny, her eyes shrunk in their whites and both of her hooves mechanically went and hid themselves behind her back.
>Yeah, she'd done something while you weren't looking.
>Probably was trying to grab your ass or something.
>Now you had been staring so long that she was hyperventilating through clenched teeth.
>She was probably thinking that she had sunk this, that you were going to leave her.
>But you decided to let her off this time.
>You took your searchlights off of her and faced towards the bar.
So it doesn't look like you brought anything with you this time.
>"H-Huh? . . ."
>She swallowed nervously, regaining her composure.
>"Oh, no. No, nothing like that. I just thought that a change from what we normally do might help us, um, come together better."
So you're not going to pull any of your crazy rape schemes tonight?
>You left the offer for her to stay in your good graces open.
>It took her a while, but eventually she got the hint.
>"Um, sure," she said, nodding to herself. "Maybe we can just try to have fun for a change, and, you know, try to ignore all the tension that's built up between us."
There's no tension. I don't like ponies, Fluttershy. I keep telling you that.
>"I know, and it makes you so tense," she said, patting you sympathetically on the shoulder. "But don't worry, none of that is going to get in the way of our fun tonight."
>Her patting soon turned to rubbing.
>Lots of rubbing.
>Once she began to drool and tremble in her seat, you had to brush her off.
>"Sorry. . . ." she said, wiping her chin.
Well, nobody's perfect on their first go. But are you really serious about not trying any funny rape stuff?
>"You have my word on that."
Well, that's great. I'll cheer to that.
>You raised your drinks together.
>But you had to stop just before you got to drink.
>There was a little partially-dissolved tablet resting at the bottom of your glass.
>You heard Fluttershy choke on her drink before she reached over for yours.
>"Oh, um, wait, don't drink that one."
>You eyed Fluttershy's nervous smile suspiciously as you raised your new drink, your old spiked one having been taken away by Berry.
And no funny rape stuff this time?
>"Yes, starting now. For real this time."
>She told the truth.
>Really, after just two-and-a-half ciders down, she couldn't have done anything else but.
>Even sitting upright in her stool was proving difficult.
>She had begun rocking again, so much that the legs of her stool were lifting up off the floor; but this time she didn't seem to know it.
>You placed her hand between her wings before she could roll backwards onto the floor and break her neck.
>"Woah!"
>She scrunched her slightly-red muzzle before her head bobbed over to your side.
>"Thanks a bunch for catching me," she slurred.
>You eased her back up in her seat.
Don't mention it. You know, if I had known that a couple ciders would have done this to you, I would've slowed down a bit.
>She smiled as her wobbly eyes looked you over.
>"You're nice. No, wait, no, you're considerate--and nice. Did you hold me earlier?"
Well, yeah, you were falling.
>"You touched me between my wings?"
I had to react fast.
>She nodded slowly.
>"I had a dream where you touched me like that once, but . . . I probably shouldn't say any more than that."
>She reached for her drink and finished her third cider.
>"You know, I want to tell you--I wanted to tell you something, now, for a long time, but . . ."
>She went quiet, her face turning down towards the bar and looking pensive.
>Then here eyes widened and a loud belch echoed off the wooden walls.
>Berry even came out from the bathrooms were she had been cleaning to ask if some pony had broken something.
>But all she found was you leaning on the bar, doubled over in laughter, and a blushing Fluttershy with her hoof pressed up to her lips.
>"Oh goodness," Fluttershy slurred. "I didn't mean to do that."
And what did you mean to do instead?
>She raised her chin high and proclaimed:
>"I . . . don't remember."
>Then she sighed and her entire face flushed with color.
>"Bedtime."
>Her head went limp and she slammed her cheek down onto the bar with a loud thud that rattled the glasses.
>You sipped your drink.
>Then you called to Berry:
Close my tab, Berry, like a good mare.

>You and Fluttershy left the bar and walked home amidst a humid starlit night.
>Well, you walked home, to her home--with her cradled in your arms.
>She was half-conscious and stirring to keep herself that way.
>Occasionally, when she would feel herself nodding off, she would nuzzle her muzzle into your shoulder to wake herself back up.
>She had just finished doing this before she hummed to herself and settled in your arms.
>"This is so-o-o-o-o nice," she said, drawing her words out.
Alright.
>"Don't ever put me down. Please."
I'm going to have to when we get to your place.
>"My place?"
>She chuckled lowly.
>"But there's supposed to be no naughty stuff. You said!"
And there isn't. You're going to pass out as soon as I put you down.
>She clung to your chest.
>"Don't put me down."
I won't do it right now.
>"Okay, good."
>The lights of town faded behind you as you entered the dark cool meadows that surrounded Ponyville.
>Your footsteps on the dirt road were little thuds, each one punctuated by the twinkling of the stars overhead and the chirps of the crickets in the nearby forest.
>Fluttershy's gentle voice appeared:
>"Hey."
Yeah?
>"I'm sorry we didn't get to do much tonight."
We did fine.
>"No, I got too drunk. We had to end it early."
The only reason I go to the bar is to get drunk. I had a good time.
>"You did? Really?"
>You told the truth.
Yeah, I did.
>"That's good. I'm glad."
>She rested back in your arms.
>"I'm sorry, anyway."
It's okay.
>"I would give you a hug, but I know that you don't like that . . . when I touch you."
Thanks.
>"I'd really like to do that right now."
>Silence.
>"Touch you, I mean."
I know.
>"Yeah."
>She closed her eyes.
>"You make me feel warm, like I am right now. This is how I always feel when you're near me. Dizzy, swirly, happy. Warm. . . ."
I didn't know that.
>"Why do you think I like you so much?"
>You had never really thought about that.
>Still, you had enough of your faculties to stop with your gut response of "because you're an insane fetishist, my dear."
I don't know.
>"Me neither. I just saw you and it happened. The first time I saw you, it was like--Wow!"
>She opened her eyes wide and pawed at the sky before her, seeing only that and an upward view of your chin.
>When she stopped she sank back in your arms and into sleepiness.
>"You know what I mean?"
>You had no idea at all.
Kind of.
>"I'm sorry. I wish I knew too. Then maybe I could . . . I don't know, do something."
What were you going to say earlier?
>"Huh?"
When we were at the bar, you said you wanted to tell me something.
>Her pinched up expression and half-closed eyes made her face look blurry.
>But still she nodded to herself and said clearly:
>"Oh. You're my best friend."
>You almost stopped walking for the first time that night.
>Instead you looked down at her for a moment before continuing.
I know that's not true.
>"It is."
What about Twilight, Rainbow Dash, all your other friends? Even Applejack should be in there too.
>She shook her head.
>"I don't mean them. With you, it's different. You're my best guy friend."
I'm not sure I believe that either.
>"It's true. I don't hang out with Spike that much. And my brother!"
>She spoke that last part like it had always been a well-known and contentious topic between you.
>"My brother doesn't care about mom and dad, takes advantage of them. He only cares about himself, and what he can get out of you."
>Her eyes were downturned in a glare now, as she was in rant mode.
>"I don't want to be mean, but if I could call him what he was right to his face, I would."
What would you call him?
>"He's a . . . He's . . ."
>She wrinkled her muzzle and spit out her words:
>"He's misguided!"
>She crossed her arms and began pouting.
>"In his life, that is."
So he's like a loser?
>"Well, yeah. But I didn't want to say it like that. It's mean."
Sure it is.
>"It is!" she bellowed, as though you didn't believe her.
>Then she winced, her own volume giving herself a headache.
>"Sorry," she said, thought it seemed to be mostly to herself.
It's fine.
>She smiled up at you.
>"But you."
>With the tip of her hoof, she began tracing a little circle on your chest, right over where your heart was.
What about me? I'm mean, but you still . . . feel a certain way towards me.
>"I do. I like you."
Uh-huh.
>"You want to know why?"
I thought you didn't know why you--
>"You put up with me, even though I don't know what I'm doing. And let's face it, I don't."
>She sighed to herself.
>"Even if I had more experience with this sort of thing--you know, dating--I'm sure my shyness would still find a way for me to blow it all anyway."
>She folded her ears before looking up at you again.
>"I appreciate how patient you are with me. I really do."
Well you don't really give me much of a choice.
>"I do, though. You could call the guard on me. They would lock me away just like any pony else."
Maybe I'll do that.
>"But you won't, because you're nice."
Maybe I'm not as nice as you think.
>"I know you are, though. You're a good person. Maybe that's why I love you, I'd like to think that's why."
>You hummed to yourself.
So all I have to do is not be a good person and you'll leave me alone?
>She was silent.
Yeah, it's true that I've never had you arrested. But why should I? You only really bother me in the mornings, so you're not a complete inconvenience to me.
>Her eyes were half-open and she was thinking hard to herself about something in her semi-conscious state.
I've got my routine same as anyone else. Wake up, see you, go to work, come home and sleep. It may be even more inconvenient to get rid of you at this point. I may not be a pony, but I'm a creature of habit same as anyone else.
>"Is that the only reason though, is it really just because it would inconvenience you so much?"
Well, come on, that's a big reason. I see you all the time.
>"That's not completely true. I leave you alone sometimes."
Well, yeah, but . . .
>"Actually, I see you more than you see me. I spend most of my day thinking about you. In a way, I see you all day, even when you aren't there."
>You nodded.
That doesn't surprise me. I mean, if any pony was going to do that, it would be you. You're the only pony I know who still thinks of me even when I'm not around.
>You stopped.
And you know, that's really something. Because . . .
I don't have anyone else who's that close to me anymore. They're all gone.
>You looked up at the night sky, trying to see beyond, to somewhere you had left and could never return.
>Fluttershy's gentle hoof stroked your chest.
>It was a salve for your crying heart.
>You looked down at Fluttershy's smile and it reminded you that you were still loved.
>And you smiled, as your newfound happiness shone through the pain.
Come on, Fluttershy. Let's go home.
>You started walking again.
So I'm your best guy friend, huh?
>"Yes, you are. I said so, didn't I?"
Well what about Discord, and Angel?
>Fluttershy paused, then scrunched her muzzle.
>"Oh shoot. I forgot about them."
>She shrugged and settled back into your arms, closing her eyes.
>"Oh well. Nothing's perfect."
Yeah.
>"Did I get drunk?"
Don't worry, I'll come by in the morning if you need help with your shelter work.
>She fully opened her eyes and sat up in your arms a bit.
>"Really? You mean it?"
Yeah, I do.
>"I won't do anything funny. No rapey stuff, I promise."
I'll have to remind you of that in the morning.
>"Thank you. Are you sure you'll have the time to come?"
I've got nothing going on. I can make it.
>"Thank you so much."
>A moment passed.
>"Um, you--you knew where I was going with that when I asked, didn't you?"
Well you did apologize earlier for getting too drunk, so I figured. . . .
>"See? You are nice."
Well, nothing's perfect.
>She settled back into your arms.
>She was nodding off, fighting to stay awake.
>"Maybe you can come by here more often . . . ?"
Yeah, maybe.
>"I was scared, I thought that if we were friends, that you and I . . . you would never fall in love with me."
I can't give you everything you want, Fluttershy. But you've given me a good night tonight, and that's something that I haven't had in a long time.
>She was silent for a moment.
>Then she rested her head against your chest.
>"I'm glad."
>Soon she began snoring, her sleepiness overtaking her.
>But she said this, half-mumbled into your chest, before she drifted into a peaceful sleep:
>"We're both different in our own way. But that's why I like you."
>It was then that you promised yourself that somehow, someday, you would give her something good in her life, as she had given you then.