Originally posted anonymously back in late 2019. Someone floated the concept of "Show's over, everybody go home" but the cartoon *was* the cast's home. I liked it and latched onto it until I succumbed to my ADHD. Felt humorous, might continue later.
https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/34278223/#q34487387

Oh, and Pastebin wouldn't let me upload this publicly despite being nothing close to inflammatory. I guess I have an account here now. I'll dump the rest of my work here later, but until now there's still this. Don't mind the cobwebs. I swear I'm going to continue Long Distance as soon as I work up the will to do it.
https://pastebin.com/u/AchingScaphoid

"This is Aaron Nornsberg, CBC, reporting live on the MLP Series Finale Displacement from the corner of West 37th and Kersland Drive in Vancouver, where a rather large scaly fella and some smaller scaly fellas have claimed Queen Elizabeth Park as their own."
>The newscaster gestures over his shoulder at the ram-horned Godzilla knockoff who's lording over his multicolored underlings from the luxury of the repurposed tennis courts-turned-royal courts
>In this case, "rather large" means that his draconic ass cheeks take up two adjacent tennis courts and he could play Hot Wheels with real cars
"As you might suppose, this a bit of a bother for city residents, officials, and presumably Her Majesty herself - no official comments from her yet. Police have already been by to ask the big one, who goes by 'Torch' both according to himself and the show he's from, to relocate whenever he's got a moment to do that. He said he would, but then he laughed a whole bunch so we'll just have to wait and see."
>The news-dude and cameraguy start crossing the street
"In the interest of finding out how everyone's doing, we've found one of their guards who's willing to let us ask some questions."
>Now on the other side of the street, the dynamic duo turn their attention to a red dragon who's only a smidge larger than a human
"Hey there, Mr...?"
>"Garble. My name is Garble."
"Nice to meet you. So, how are ya today?"
>The dragon crosses his arms and shrugs
>"Meh. Could be better."
>Newsguy recoils at this
"Are you okay? Do you need a hug?"
>"What? No. I just wish I was in Seattle."
"Kinda hard to get across the border without papers in this day and age."
>"Yeah. I don't think any of us filed for them. I always assumed they'd let us live on the set."
"That's a shame. You sure you don't need a hu-"
>"No thanks."
"All right, if you say so. Now, why Seattle in particular?"


>The young dragon leans back on his tail, taking some weight off of his feet
>"So I can spend my time in coffee shops working on my poetr-"
>Garble abruptly uncrosses his arms and stands up straight again
>"- on my pickup lines! Yeah. At clubs, not coffee shops."
>Another of the dragons' perimeter guards, this one being a short and hefty guy with brown scales cups his hands around his mouth and shouts down the line to Garble
>"It's an open secret, you dummy! There was a whole episode about this!"
>Somehow, Garble is blushing even redder than his scales already are
>"Go choke on a geode!"
>The newsman glances around nervously before settling his gaze on the camera
"Uh, sorry you had to hear that, folks. Sorry."
>"Jeez, you guys are worse than the ponies."
"Sorry."
>Just then, a human-size cyan dragon holding a long pointy purple thing flutters down out of the sky nearby
>The obviously important and noticeably female dragon (dem hips tho) walks up to the derailed interview
>"What's going on here?"
"CBC television interview, miss."
>"I meant what are these two fighting - hang on, are you live right now?"
>Mr. Newsman, still reeling from the meanness of the two bickering dragons, nods dumbly at the blue newcomer
>She grabs the microphone and stares into the camera
>"I, Princess Ember, am the rightful leader of the dragons as of season 6 episode 5. My power tripping father back there-"
>She gestures with the big staff thingy
>"-personally appointed ME as his successor. I did not agree to him taking authority back from me."
>A head the size of a small suburban home turns in the direction of the camera from about a hundred meters away
>"Dear, you're the Dragon Lord."
>"See? He even acknowledges it!"
>Sensing the beginnings of a power struggle that he wants nothing to do with, Garble sidles away


>Torch does that tight lipped, partly lidded stare that old men and black women pull off better than anyone else
>"You're the rightful ruler of the Dragon Lands."
>"Darn right I-"
>Princess Ember's puffed out and deliciously flat chest deflates as she realizes how meaningful her father's wording was
"Hey! You are NOT getting me on a technicality!"
>He leans his incredible bulk towards her just a teeny tiny massive bit
>"This is an emergency, little sapphire. Let me handle it. I'll give it back to you when I'm done."
>Ember blushes a bright purple at having her baby name used in public
>"This is not a good replacement for the Dragon Lands!"
>"It has a very commanding overlook of the city, and it already has a quarry."
>"The 'Quarry GARDENS' part of the park doesn't count."
>The living monolith shrugs
>"It's a fixer-upper. Let me do the fixing. I'll make this a proper Dragon Lands for you to lord over. We'll turn that aviary on top of the hill into a volcano and everything."
>He turns away and makes a brushing motion with one of his hand-claw things, air audibly wooshing around his claws with each swing
>"You're a celebrity here. Go enjoy being a fan-favorite. I'll shout for you when I'm done."
>Princess scalybutt is literally fuming at her dad's suggestion, muttering just loud enough for her all but forgotten microphone to pick up
>"...propositioned three times already to be some random dork's waifu..."
>Feeling her fist clench around the microphone's body brings her back to the moment just enough to pass it back to the news guy and make a polite, dignified request of the rattled reporter
>"Your phone. Give it to me. Now."
>He fumbles it out of his pocket and into her waiting claws
>Honesly, he's just happy that she didn't ask for his clothes (lewd!), his boots (they're his favorite pair), or his motorcycle (doesn't own one, and the closest thing he 'has' to one is the snowmobile he tried skimming across a pond last spring)


>Just before she's about to call him a moron for not unlocking it first, she discovers that it has no password, lock, or anything else to prevent anybody from picking it up and using it
>Our excessively Canadian protagonist didn't really see the point in that kind of thing
>Ember taps on the screen a few times, then speaks slowly and clearly into the phone
>"Hot springs near me."
>Ping!
>An automated voice - which she ignores completely - informs her that it's found a few nearby
>She scrolls through the list with a steadily increasing frown
>"Ugh. Across the border. That just figures."
>She pokes the screen again in frustration
>"Quarries near me."
>Ping!
>Ember almost immediately smiles
>She lifts off the ground, accompanied by the sound of her beating wings and a Doppeler Effect-ed text to speech announcement
>Like a bird through the air, she flies like... a bird through the air, but the bird has scales and can breathe fire
>The cameraman zooms in on her as she settles into a hover in front of Torch's nose
>His camera records her mouth moving, but doesn't pick up a word that she says
>Daddy dragon, however, is perfectly audible at a reasonable speaking volume for some reason
>Blame magic, or cartoon logic, or whatever
>"What's this?"
>Torn between getting a telephoto shot of Ember and a wide as fucc shot of both dragons where Ember is barely visible, the cameraman settles on the latter
>Torch pulls out a pair of reading glasses which may as well be car windshields
>Where did he get them from?
>Who even makes eyeglasses that ludicrously huge?


>Again, magic/cartoon logic/whatever
>Don't bother asking questions
>"Yeah, that's good. We'll take that one."
>He puts his glasses away (don't ask how or where) and raises his voice to a shout
>"Ember's found us a proper quarry to take. Be proud of her."
>Most of the dragons spare him a glance
>Some of them even stop what they're doing
>Torch grimaces at the lack of response
>"I said BE PROUD OF HER!"
>Every dragon freezes in place and gives a mandatory round of applause
>"Half of you, stay here. The rest of you, go with her!"
>A flock of dragons begin to congregate around Ember
>She says something else and points to the screen
>Torch whips out his glasses again
>"...Why not say 'okay' or do the claw gesture yourself? You wouldn't have to worry about the picture being upside down."
>Ember throws herself at her dad's snout, hugging it tightly
>He returns the hug with a single finger
>"You'll always be my most precious. Now come on, you need to get there before the Diamond Dogs can!"
>She flies off with her entourage in tow
>The cameraman pans to follow them across the sky
>Then some doofus gets in the way of his shot
>Said doofus raises a microphone to -
>Oh right, this is a newscast
"Uhhhh... we'll keep you all posted on what's going on with that. This has been Aaron Nornberg, CBC. Cameraman, can you hold this for a moment?"
>He passes the microphone off
"Thank you. Back in a sec."
>He strides not-so-confidently towards the Dragon In Chief
"Excuse me, Mr. Torch, sir? Would you please ask your daughter if she can give my phone back when you get a chance? No rush. I kinda need it for stuff but I can get a new one if she's gotta keep it, eh?"
>A groan heard 'round the city rings out from the big drake's throat
>"I swear on Tiamat's hoard, it's like they're all Fluttershy."