** No.21408518
>>21407920
>Can you give me a quick summary?
I can try.

Basically, it's a war fic. It's set 35-40 years after the show, and 20 years after Equestria first opened a portal to Earth. In the fic, Nightmare Moon has returned (possessing someone other than Luna, not sure who yet) and teamed up with Chrysalis and some human mercenaries to do general villain-y stuff.

If that was it, this would just be a shitty war fic. What makes it "interesting" is the ungodly clusterfuck of drama that carries on throughout the story. Basically all of the major characters are related to each other via some combination of blood, marriage, and the M6 and princesses' "bond of sisterhood" (???). So you wind up with stuff like:
>RD's son angsting about how he maybe killed Pinkie and Fluttershy (his "aunts") during a bombing mission
>Pip, Sweetie Belle, and Ms. Non-Evil Changeling wasting time sorting out their little love triangle while in the middle of a war zone
>Rarity's estranged daughter's human husband saving the princesses from a group of human and changeling assassins (while Fluttershy's adopted daughter babysits the kids)

The story description makes it sound like it's about DJ (Rarity's daughter) living as a pony on Earth. (This is why I started reading it in the first place.) But this plot barely gets out of the gate before it devolves into the aforementioned clusterfuck-o'-drama: when the portal is first established and Rarity and DJ meet for the first time, Rarity acts like a total bitch (including starting some big, dramatic custody proceedings so she can force DJ to abandon her human family and return to Equestria), and they spend the next 20 years hating each other's guts. Then in Chapter 2, the war plotline gets rolling, and so far the rest has been about 50% war, 30% random drama, and 20% drama about Rarity and DJ reconciling.



### Chapter 1 ###

 ** No.21369885
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/25148/allamerican-girl

>baby pony lands on earth out of nowhere
>she (DJ) gets raised by humans
>has to deal with being the only sentient nonhuman on earth

>15 years later, Equestria makes contact
>turns out DJ is Rarity's long lost daughter
>Rarity has been looking for her for years and wants her to come home

>DJ wants to stay with her human family, instead of going to live with this random pony she met half an hour ago
>Rarity goes full giga-bitch and sues for custody
>court case becomes a national spectacle
>mane6+cmc divide into factions and wind up hating each other
>riots in manehattan, nearly causes a civil war for equestria

/fimfic/, I don't understand. This could have gone so well. There's so many interesting things to cover regarding human interaction with nonhumans, integration of human and pony societies, etc. But instead the author is focusing on this horribly contrived conflict that requires Rarity to be a total fucking psycho and everyone else to be a goddamn idiot. 


 ** No.21373799
>>21370050
>But according to the synopsis she's married with two kids
>A custody battle over an adult? Kek
The first chapter is apparently some kind of giant backstory dump. The custody battle happened when she was 15.

>Also only pony in the human world, yet has 2 kids?
Twilight gave her a magic doodad.

>No anthro tag, but anthro pic.
That's not anthro, that's a pony standing on her back legs. The main character walks like that to fit in better with humans.

 ** No.21375229
>>21374599
>not really sure what the point of the custody battle was
I haven't really read past chapter 1 (cause holy fuck that was a long chapter), but from glancing at the first few paragraphs of chapters 2-4 (and from looking at the cover art) it seems like Rarity is still butthurt that her daughter didn't decide to throw her whole life away thirty minutes after they first met.

>one of my bitchy friends is upset that you didn't bend to her whims after throwing you out like a prom night dumpster baby 4 election cycles ago
Sandalwood (DJ's pony name) was apparently killed in a magic thunderstorm, but actually was transported to Earth. Twilight eventually figured out she was still alive and spent years trying to find her.

>have this macguffin so any random hooman can knock you up and ruin your life
DJ is married to a human. Twilight made the gizmo so the two of them could have children.

>>21374934
>it's definitely not just a pony walking on the back legs
That's exactly what it is, though. Her hips, shoulders, and neck are a little more flexible than they probably should be, but the story makes it perfectly clear that the character is 100% normal pony, raised by humans, who walks human-style and wears clothes in order to fit in. This is maybe not the most realistic way for a pony to move, but it's not that big a stretch. 

 ** No.21375892
>>21375705
>the talking critter would wind up dissected in a government lab somewhere
This is covered in the story. The parents kept her secret for a while, but they wanted to enroll her in school, and people objected for obvious reasons. They got a lawyer and ran it up through the Supreme Court, which decided that DJ was sentient and a legal US citizen, with all the rights that entails. In terms of realism, I don't think that's particularly bad.

>if some human dude knocked up an animal, PETA would either hang him or crown him their king
Yeah that part is pretty fucking weird. Apparently she used the gizmo, had sex and got pregnant, then the effect wore off and she carried the pregnancy to term in pony form (even though the kids were human). Not sure how that's supposed to work, aside from "it's magic, I ain't gotta explain shit". 

 ** No.21376215
>>21376098
>>Wait. A pony gave birth to a human being? 

>DJ nodded. “Yup. How do you think I got my kids?”
>At that point, Nicole’s brain seemed to be broken. “Wait – they’re not adopted? They’re your kids…as in, you were pregnant for nine months?”
>“Eleven months, actually – that’s one of the areas where I come closer to equine standards. But despite what everyone thinks, Stuart and Tyler aren’t adopted; when I became pregnant, the spell adapted my genes to human equivalents or some magic variant. That’s why Stuart has grayish-blue hair and Tyler has my purple eyes. Neither are unheard of in humans, but it’s proof they’re really my kids. The doctors even did a DNA test to see how it works; the kids have normal human chromosomes, but some of their genes match Mike’s and some match mine. Technically, they’re chimeras, but seeing as how that’s a little insulting, they’re regarded as human.” 

 ** No.21376765
>>21376636
>So— she became human, got pregnant as a human, then became a pony, gave birth, became a human again, conceived another human offspring, turned back into a pony /again/, and gave birth to the second one?
>Interesting… 
Yep, pretty much:
>DJ giggled. “No, it’s not what you’re picturing…well, how my husband and I are intimate normally isn’t anyone’s business, really. And yes, we are, and that’s all I’m saying about that. But I’m willing to talk about Twilight’s gift to us. She had a predecessor thousands of years before, a unicorn named Star Swirl the Bearded, who created something called an ‘amniomorphic spell.’ It’s supposed to temporarily change one thing into another. But Twilight vastly improved the spell, so that it goes down to the genetic level, and then she ensorcelled a stone so that I could use my latent magic whenever I needed to activate it.” When Nicole looked confused again, DJ clarified. “Basically, I focus on the genderstone, and for six hours it turns me into a real human being.” 



### Chapter 2 ###

 ** No.21379983
>https://www.fimfiction.net/story/25148/allamerican-girl

Chapter 2 is set in roughly the year 2047, when DJ is 35. We promptly discover that even after 20 years, Rarity STILL thinks that Sandalwood/DJ must have been brainwashed by those evil hoomins (obviously, this is the only possible explanation for DJ's refusal to abandon her human life at the drop of the hat).

After that little tidbit, the author apparently couldn't think of anything else interesting to write about DJ's time as a pony on Earth or about Rarity's relationship with her long-lost daughter. So instead, we get this:

>Oh no, Nightmare Moon is back! (She's possessing someone other than Luna this time.)
>Rainbow: No problem, we'll use the elements to purify her like before!
>Luna: It's too dangerous, because you all have families now (?)
>Fluttershy: OK, let's just kill her then.
>RD, AJ, Luna: Yep, let's kill her.
>Everyone else: Oh well, guess we're outvoted. Murder it is, then.

NMM is working with Chrysalis, and with some human mercenaries that are being paid with gems. Apparently nobody in the past 20 years thought to ship gems from Equestria to Earth, so the prices are still way higher on Earth than in Equestria.

So everybody goes to Fillydelphia to fight the changeling army. The Mane 6 go in first to use the elements.

>M6: NMM, come out so we can kick your butt!
>NMM: Hey guys, remember how you all hate each other for these stupid reasons?
>M6: Oh yeah. We all hate each other. RAAAGH FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
>NMM zaps them while they're distracted and leaves them for dead.
>The "Equestriani" military goes in and gets fucking rekt for poorly explained reasons.

The M6 didn't die, of course. Pinkie teleported Flutters to safety, and the rest got zapped with nightmare magic poison thingy, so they're dying in the hospital. Now we finally get to the point: all this 15,000 words of bullshit was setup for Rarity to ask to see her daughter DJ, for the first time in 20 years. 


 ** No.21382415
>>Rainbow: No problem, we'll use the elements to purify her like before!
>>Luna: It's too dangerous, because you all have families now (?)
>Never stopped them the first 3 or 4 times they used the Elements... 
Oh, right. What I meant was, they all have husbands and children now.

I just did the math and realized the mane 6 must be around 60 years old when this is happening. DJ is 35 years old, and she's Rarity's first child. I figure Rarity was maybe 20-30 years old when she first got pregnant. So she'd be 55-65 at the time of the story. Also, I didn't mention it before, but RD has just found out she's pregnant before they go off to fight. She's got to be at least 55 years old. Her friends have grandchildren that will be older than this kid. 



### Chapter 3 ###

 ** No.21384087
Nothing particularly interesting happened in chapter 3, aside from half the cast finally (after 20 years) pulling their heads out of their asses far enough to realize that maybe DJ and Rarity ought to talk at some point. I thought maybe the author had learned enough to improve their story from "so bad it's good" to just "bad". But then chapter 4 starts with this:

>In a house in the northern part of Wooster, Ohio, a woman sat at her kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee. She’d already seen the children off to school, and her husband, a graphic designer, had just left for work an hour ago. That left her, the quintessential soccer mom, off to her own devices.
>Her “work”, such as it was, usually involved killing threats to her adopted home – this world – and continually declining membership in the Covenant, the organization determined to keep magic out of the hands of humanity for reasons she didn’t find satisfactory.
>Sitting in her house and drinking a cup of coffee, Faust A’Licorne, known to the history of another world as Queen Faust of Equestria, looked at the sky out her window and noticed that something elemental had shifted.

Good god, this fucking story... 



### Chapter 4 ###

 ** No.21388655
>>21387045
>is anon going to continue commentary on drama filled illegal-immigrant-all-american-pony?
Yeah, sure.

For anyone who missed it, this is the story in question:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/25148/allamerican-girl
I read it because I expected from the description that it would be about the integration of human and pony societies or something like that. Instead I got a war fic with a truly unnecessary amount of family drama. (It's set 35-40 years after the show, so the M6 have a bunch of children and a few grandchildren now.)

Here's a nice example from Chapter 4:
>Rainbow Dash's son Rainbow Blitz is a bomber pilot for the Equestriani Air Force
>he's ordered to bomb the hell out of changeling HQ, even though Fluttershy and Pinkie's chopper just went down somewhere in that area
>after the mission he starts freaking out because he thinks he just killed two of his "aunts"
>Blitz's commanding officer, Soarin, tries to calm him down
>Soarin also happens to be Blitz's father

I'm pretty sure the author just throws a dart at a big family tree printout whenever he needs a character to fill a minor role.
>Need someone to be stuck in changeling-infested Fillydelphia to motivate the other characters? It's Rarity's (other) daughter.
>About to bomb the city with Flutters and Pinkie still inside? RD's son flies the mission.
>Have to deliver a message to get DJ to come visit Rarity in the hospital? Send Fluttershy and Big Mac's adopted daughter.
Bam, instant drama.

For more on this story, check out these posts from the previous thread: >>21369885 >>21379983 >>21384087 



### Chapter 5 ###

 ** No.21396116
This fucking story, man, I swear to god.

Chapter 4 made it pretty clear than Pip Squeak and Sweetie Belle are an item. In fact, they've apparently been engaged for five years.

Then Chapter 5 comes along.

>Pip, Flutters, Pinkie, and a few randoms are trapped in Fillydelphia, hiding in a building from the changelings that have taken over the city
>they make radio contact with headquarters and give their coordinates for a rescue
>Sweetie Belle and another pony teleport in at the same time
>the other pony is some kind of non-evil changeling
>she starts kissing Pip
>calls him "my love"
>calls him "dear husband"
>oh guess what, she brought her kid too
>the kid's dad is quite obviously Pip

Go go gadget "overly contrived love triangle"!

>“Oh, Pip….” Sweetie said in the sweetest voice she could muster.
>“Uh, yes?” he said, knowing what was going to come next.
>Her horn lit up with a viole(n)t aura, and in one swoop, Sweetie Belle picked up her fiancée with telekinesis and slammed him against the wall with a bone-jarring thud. He slumped against the wall, out like a light.

I don't even know what to say about this. Pip's apparently been living a double life for some incomprehensible reason. I'm sure there will be some kind of explanation later, so you can look forward to another post once I determine exactly how fucking stupid this situation is.

Oh, and don't forget: as this is going on, they're all still hiding out in a bombed-out building in downtown Fillydelphia, surrounded by 300,000 pissed-off changelings. 

 ** No.21409748
>>21396116
>Pip's apparently been living a double life for some incomprehensible reason. I'm sure there will be some kind of explanation later, so you can look forward to another post once I determine exactly how fucking stupid this situation is.
Okay, I had to read over this part about four times (because none of the characters' actions make any goddamn sense), but I think I finally understand what happened here.

>Sweetie and Pip were together ~15 years ago
>Sweetie left to "continue her studies" traveling around Equestria and Earth
>instead of trying to maintain a long-distance relationship, they broke up just before she left
>she came back after 7 years and they got back together
>2 years after that, they got engaged
>at the time of the war, they've been engaged for around 5 years

>while Sweetie was gone, Pip was assigned to a project involving Ms. Non-Evil Changeling (Imago)
>Imago "imprinted" on Pip the first time she saw him (meaning she considers him to be her "soul mate" or some such thing)
>Pip apparently never actually loved her
>but they fucked at some point before Sweetie returned
>Imago had a changeling/pony hybrid baby, and also spawned 150 drones
>all the little changelings look up to Pip as their father
>but then Pip was reassigned to a different project and never saw them again

>Sweetie first found out about Imago when they both teleported into war-torn Fillydelphia at the same time to save Pip
>after beating Pip unconscious, Sweetie talked to Imago and got the whole story
>because that hybrid kid is just soooooo cute, and because Imago loves Pip sooooo much (and probably also because Family Is Important or some such bullshit)...
>Sweetie "selflessly" decides to break off her engagement with Pip, so he can be with his changeling family again

So in other words:
>Pip is a moron
>Sweetie is a moron
>Imago is crazy

And in conclusion, Imago wins the Mother of the Year award for bringing an 8-year-old child with her into a FUCKING WAR ZONE. 



### Chapter 6-7 ###

 ** No.21422294
Okay, I finished chapters 6 and 7. There wasn't anything spectacularly stupid in here. So here a few bits and pieces of stupid instead.

First of all, chapter 5 ended with a news report of DJ having died in the hospital.
Then, halfway through chapter 6:
>lol, jk! she's not actually dead
Turns out, the reporter mixed her up with the OTHER "DJ Martinez", who actually did die. ...yeah.

Next up, we have Cadance approving "Operation Firestarter", a brilliant military strategy consisting of firing enough cruise missiles at Fillydelphia to completely level the place. This undoubtedly resulted in the deaths of hundreds or thousands of Equestria's own citizens who were not able to escape the city in time. Somehow, nobody noticed that this is a crime against equinity (or whatever).

On to chapter 7. We finally get to see the baby that Fluttershy rescued from Fillydelphia just before they escaped - it's the hybrid offspring of Chrysalis and Shining Armor. Apparently, prior to the Canterlot Wedding, Chrysalis and Shining Armor had sex, and she saved a bunch of his sperm [swear to god I'm not making this up]. In preparation for the war, she used it to spawn a bunch of these hybrids. (They're just like Pip's kid, only eeeeevil.) Anyway, Cadance naturally (?) decides to adopt the kid. She names him Dusk Shine, because the author is strangely fond of populating his story with R63 fanon and previous-gen characters.

And finally, the Pip/Sweetie/Imago love triangle somehow isn't dead yet. Pip is busy angsting over whether or not he "made the right decision". Imago is ecstatic that Pip is totally going to come and marry her. Sweetie realized that she's been a fucking moron and decides to get advice from her apprentice Star Swirl (47th generation descendant of SS the Bearded, and also a grill btw). Nothing interesting comes out of that, except we discover that Star totally has the hots for Sweetie, because nothing can ever be simple in this story. 


 ** No.21422714
>>21422469
>>Next up, we have Cadance approving "Operation Firestarter", a brilliant military strategy consisting of firing enough cruise missiles at Fillydelphia to completely level the place. This undoubtedly resulted in the deaths of hundreds or thousands of Equestria's own citizens who were not able to escape the city in time. Somehow, nobody noticed that this is a crime against equinity (or whatever).
>What. Why would she do that?
Had to kill off changelings before they had time to do all those evil changeling-y things.

>She probably killed more Equestrians than the Changelings ever could have.
Well, when the changelings first showed up, all the ponies did try to flee to refugee camps. I think the author might have intended to convey that literally every pony in the city got out before it was razed, but being the third largest city in Equestria and all, doing a full evacuation in only three days or so seems rather unrealistic to me. But he also keeps emphasizing that nobody knows whether Rarity's daughter Minty and her family got out of Filly or not, so it's hard to be sure.

As an added bonus, which I forgot to mention earlier, Blueblood and his wife have been "helping" Cadance deal with the press and manage the country while the other princesses are on Earth. The Bluebloods are apparently plotting a coup, because it sure is awful that the unicorns aren't running the show like they did in the good old days (1500+ years ago, right before everyone started freezing to death), and because what this story really needs is another overly dramatic subplot. 

 ** No.21428340
>>21427994
>wait so whos doing the whole sun and moon thing?
I had to look this up because I couldn't remember.

It looks like the sun and moon stop moving when both Celestia and Luna are off-world. So what happens in the story is, they park the sun and moon in an eclipse, then Celestia, Luna, and Cadance all head off to Singapore. They're supposed to be on earth for less than a day, so this shouldn't be that big a deal (as long as you don't look too closely at the physics of Magical Talking Horse World). But then the restaurant where they're meeting DJ for dinner gets blown up by the bad guys, and all of Singapore turns into a total clusterfuck.

Eventually Celestia and Luna send Cadance back to Equestria on her own. Blueblood, being the next highest ranking member of the royal family after Cadance, has been running the country for the past two days, and the actual rulers want to make sure he isn't fucking things up too badly. (Of course, Cadance gets there and promptly fucks things up even worse by ordering Fillydelphia to be blown completely to hell.)

Cadance apparently can't move the sun and moon on her own, because she's out looking up at the eclipse right before she approves Operation Firestarter.

Finally, Celestia and Luna get back, after being gone for something like 5-7 days. Apparently everyone is cool with 120 hours of constant eclipse, because it's never mentioned again. (In fact, the eclipse is mentioned exactly twice: once when the princesses leave for earth, and again just before Cadance launches Firestarter.) Either that or the author just totally forgot about it. 



### Chapter 8 ###

 ** No.21432560
>>21431372
>Anyway American Girl is the worst fic I've ever read for the simple reason that there are no overwhelming technical flaws, the premise is solid etc.
>There are in short no excuses whatsoever- the author is simply a nutjob that fetishises the military to the detriment of everything else(without understanding much more about how it actually works than the jargon it seems) 
God, this.

The best bit out of chapter 8 was the scene where Pip goes to meet his bugpone waifu in Ghastly Gorge, and gets stopped by the army unit that was stationed there to guard the top-secret "Flutter Project". The army guys are freaking out, running around on high alert and generally waving guns in every direction, so Pip asks just WTF is going on here.

Turns out, nobody thought to tell these clowns what their actual mission is. They know there are changelings in the gorge, but they have no idea why, or that the changelings are allies. Even the commander of the unit has no clue. So when Chrysalis's changeling army attacks Fillydelphia, the soldiers assume the changelings in the gorge are somehow responsible. They go to high alert in case the obviously-evil changelings attack, and the commander flies off to Canterlot in person to demand an air strike (instead of just picking up the damn radio, in which case this whole situation would have been resolved in ten minutes).

Pip shows up just in time to explain to the soldiers why they're all a bunch of morons. The biggest moron starts arguing and waving a gun in Pip's face. Naturally, Pip escalates the argument until the other guy starts shooting, then dodges the bullet and beats the shit out of him (using his elite special forces training). Pip won the fight, which means he's obviously right about the changelings not being evil, so everybody chills out.

The best part is, as far as I can tell, this scene is entirely pointless. Even if Pip hadn't intervened, the commander would have gone to his superiors demanding an air strike, and been sent back with proper orders (after being laughed out of the room). I guess it does show the reader that Pip is a super cool special forces badass, but it's an awfully long (and stupid) scene if that's all it's trying to convey. 

 ** No.21429421
>>21428720
>How did the princesses react to Fillydelphia becoming a giant crater on the map?
Currently unclear. The crater-izing happened in chapter 6, and the princesses just made back to Equestria partway through chapter 8. As of the end of chapter 8, Celestia is somewhere offscreen dealing with Fillydelphia and all the displaced refugees, while Luna is busy organizing dinner in Cloudsdale for DJ and Elusive.

Oh, and I found this while double-checking that info:
>If I do this, it could be seen as revenge. Plus, we don’t know if there are innocents still caught in that deathtrap.
So not only is it practically certain that Equestrian citizens were killed by their own navy as part of Operation Firestarter, Cadance knew this would happen and went ahead anyway. 



### Chapter 9-10 ###

 ** No.21439128
[Image: im-gonna-need-two-guns-for-this-one.jpg]
>AAG chapter 10
>love triangle between DJ, her husband Mike, and Princess motherfucking Celestia 

 AAGMasterCharchartV3.5.1.jpg, 2MiB, 3515x2547
 ** No.21440125 Report
[Image: https://i.imgur.com/MTil4yA.jpg (AAGMasterCharchartV3.5.1.jpg)]
>>21439835
>I'd like to see the lines when Celestia realizes she's falling for one of her little ponies' own husband.
Good idea - I'll track down some good ones to post later today.

This might take a while, since the good parts are spread out across 90,000 words of generic warfic bullshit. The Mike/Celestia stuff actually started back in chapter 8, but I ignored it as long as I could because it was so god damn stupid I wanted to slam my head through my desk. But it looks like it's really not going away, especially now that we've had that lovely scene in which Mike wakes up, naked, in Celestia's bed, next to Celestia, who's in human form, and also naked.

Also, if you stare carefully at the clusterfuck that is the "AAG Master Character Relationship Chart, version 3.5.1", you can see a dark red line running halfway across the diagram from "Princess Celestia" to "Mike Hengst", indicating that she is "majorly crushing on" him. 

 ** No.21440183
>>21440155
>of course celestia will meet the dude once, and on first sighting her dusty old mareparts will begin gushing with liquid desire for his hot monkey cock
There's a perfectly good reason for Celestia to react this way, of course. Mike just reminds her so strongly of The Only Stallion She Ever Loved. 


 ** No.21440448
>>21440310
Anyone else notice Lauren Faust and John DeLancie are both on there? They haven't shown up in the story yet, but when they do, I'm sure it will be hilariously awful.

I also like that the chart includes "no relation whatsoever" as a relationship type. As far as I can tell, it's only used between Lauren Faust and Faust A'Licorne (Queen Faust of Equestria).

>>21440333
Celestia and Luna are apparently powerful enough to cast long-duration shapeshifting spells, which they use regularly to visit Earth incognito.

Also, on the subject of magic, it seems like every single unicorn in the entire story is really good at teleportation, even though based on the show it seems to be quite difficult. They also have an annoying tendency to forget how great teleportation is during crises, so you get things like Celestia flying at supersonic speed from Canterlot to Cloudsdale, instead of teleporting there directly, which would be both faster and probably easier.

>>21440368
>>the Derpy family are surrounded by a red box
>Hah. Looks like they didn't survive the Fillydelphia nuke. RIP 
Actually, they died as part of the backstory. Rarity had Derpy babysitting Sandalwood (DJ) while she went to do element bearer stuff to the giant magic storm that was heading to Ponyville. Gryphon raiders (IIRC) broke into the house, grabbed Sandalwood, and killed everybody else. They made it back to the Everfree, but the magic storm blasted them, killing the gryphons and sending baby Sandalwood to Earth.

>>21440419
>Does this thing also have R63 characters?
Yep. A bunch of the mane 6's children are either R63 or old-gen characters.

You also missed:
>Butterscotch - Fluttershy and Big Mac's stillborn son
>Dusk Shine - hybrid child of Shining Armor and Chrysalis

>>21440438
>Lauren Faust
>Offspring of "A'Licorne" Faust
Nope, they're "no relation whatsoever". It's a slightly different shade of red from the "biological parent" line. 

 ** No.21440490
>>21440457
Well, otherwise you might wrongly assume that the character who's obviously based on real-life Lauren Faust is somehow related to the other character who's obviously based on real-life Lauren Faust.

Actually, now I'm really curious to see what part Lauren Faust and John de Lancie have in this story. It's set in 2047, remember, so they would be 72 and 98 years old, respectively. 

 ** No.21445338
>>21445285
>>>What happens when one of them is actually revealed to be a changeling?
>>I don't think that's actually happened at all in the story so far. There are a few changeling characters (Imago, Chrysalis, and the pepsis), but they've always been known to be changelings. 
>Pepsis, as in Pepsi? Seriously?
Chrysalis has these pony/changeling hybrids (made from Shining Armor's sperm, which she saved for 30 years using her freaky bughorse biology). They're called the "pepsis warriors", but I prefer calling them just "the pepsis", for obvious reasons. 



### Chapter 11-12 ###

 ** No.21446165
Okay, here we go. This one's in three parts, because quotes take up a lot more space than snarky greentext summaries.

First, some backstory: Celestia, Luna, and Cadance all came to Singapore to have dinner with DJ and Mike. During dinner, terrorists set off a bomb in the main part of the restaurant, then one of them ran into the private dining room trying to kill the princesses. Mike saved the day by shooting him in the face.

Afterward, Celestia (in human form) and Mike spent a couple days running around Singapore looking for more terrorists to beat up. Then, just as they're finishing up and getting ready to head on to Equestria:
>Celestia sat there for a few minutes, watching the human eat. She’d heard those words before, but it had been ages since anyone had ever said them so sincerely: Argent Lance, the only stallion that had ever found a place in her heart.
>A brief flare of envy burned in Celestia’s heart, but she tamped it down; certainly DJ was a lucky mare for having a husband such as he.
Oh, how sweet - Mike reminds her of her special somepony from way back--
>Why are you so much like him? she wondered, and before she could control herself, instinct, desire and loneliness took control of the Princess of Equestria’s actions.
>“Hey, that’s what I—mmph!” His words were suddenly cut off as the transformed alicorn suddenly kissed him.
OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE
>He immediately broke off, shouting, “Celestia? What the fuck?”
Yeah, I'm with Mike on this one. What the fuck, Celestia? You're three thousand years old - learn some self control already. 

 ** No.21446175
The previous scene, from chapter 7, is only the first of many. Here's one from chapter 8:

>That left Mike standing in the room with Celestia. “Would you care for a lift to the Embassy?” she asked.
>“Well, since I have no idea where I’m going, sure, if you can spare the time.”
>“For you? All the time in the world,” she replied with a soft smile. By the time the last word left her lips, she realized that was a very stupid thing to say; it could easily be misconstrued.

>The kiss burned itself in her mind, playing in her head repeatedly as if a video file set for constant replay. It had clearly been a heat of the moment mistake, but if so…. 
>It felt…nice, she said to herself, a private smile coming onto her lips.

At this point, I was still in denial, hoping this unbearably stupid subplot would just disappear so I could forget it ever happened.

No such luck. From chapter 9:

>She knew she wasn’t in love; even if it was, it was the absolutely worst person to pick to set her heart on. 
>And yet I can’t stop feeling the taste of his lips, the back of her mind admitted. I can’t get the scent of him out of my mind….
>Now if I could manage my thoughts about Mike as well as I do politics, Celestia mused, things would be easier.

Chapter 10:

>Seated on her private balcony after having finished the paperwork at Cadance’s, Celestia read a book, trying to keep her mind off several issues, all of which deeply affected her. ... And, of course, being saved by Mike, and now her inexplicable infatuation with same.
>If I were a free mare, I w.... She didn’t finish that thought. To go down that line of thought was ill-advised for a myriad of reasons. 

 ** No.21446189
At this point, a messenger shows up to tell Celestia that Cloudsdale is under attack. NMM has shanghaied a couple squadrons of Iranian fighter pilots, and has them flying around shooting up Cloudsdale. Of course, she chose to do this while DJ and Mike were in town to have dinner with Elusive and his wife.

>She had to save…. The near-admission was both revelatory and frightening. She was going for her subjects, of course; she was going for her family, certainly. But she knew, in her heart, there was a third reason for going.

Yeah, who cares about a bunch of dumb pegasi? She's going to Cloudsdale to save Mike, 'cause she's craving that hot monkey dick!

So Celestia flies off to Cloudsdale (I guess she forgot she can teleport?), arriving just in time to catch Mike four feet from the ground (NMM had tossed him over the side of the city). Instead of heading up to fight NMM or the Iranians, Celestia opts to fly back to Canterlot to get Mike to a doctor. I guess she figured Luna had things under control, even though she totally didn't. (Luna was too busy saving Elusive - who was ALSO thrown off the side of the city - to do anything for the hundreds being killed by the Iranians.)

The next morning (chapter 11), Mike wakes up naked in Celestia's bed, alongside a naked human-form Celestia. There's a perfectly reasonable explanation, of course - the doctors took Mike's clothes off while they were working on him, Celestia was shapeshifted because her pony form was too big for both of them to fit on the bed, and as for her being naked, well, she just kind of forgot that clothes were a thing.


As of the middle of chapter 13, nothing more has happened aside from Cadance and Luna finding out that Celestia has a crush on somebody (they don't know who).

So, that's all, folks. Now I'm going cry in a corner over the thought of the immortal ruler of all ponykind reduced to behaving like a hormonal teenager. 



### Chapter 13 ###

 ** No.21447063 Report
>ok, time to finish up chapter 13
>it's probably just more war, war, war
>suddenly, neo-nazi pony cultists
HERE WE GO AGAIN!

So, remember the crazy army guy who tried to call an air strike on Pip's bugpone waifu and all the kids? Well, he somehow avoided getting fired, and when the Iranians started wrecking Cloudsdale, he flipped his shit again and had his unit start gearing up to go shoot up all the friendly changelings in Ghastly Gorge. Pip went to stop this nonsense (again), and this time, in addition to a gun in his face, he also got an earful of racist rants.
>I believe in a True, Pure Equestria
>Equestria is for ponies, not for lessers!
Etc. Then Pip's boss's boss's boss shows up with a pile of black-ops badasses, Mr. Airstrike gets court-martialed or whatever, and I thought that was that.

Then, in chapter 13...

A bunch of ponies in cloaks and masks get together in a secret room somewhere. Ms. Cult Leader starts yakking: "welcome, brothers and sisters", "Holy Celestia and Sacred Luna", yadda yadda, and oh look, now she's starting in on some good old-fashioned pony-supremacist ranting. Gas the ziggers, race war now! And while we're at it, let's gas the humans, gas the gryphons, gas the minotaurs, etc, etc. But mostly the humans, because of Lost Foal this and Lost Foal that:
>They have taken the daughter of our fair Lady Rarity, the Knight Elemental of Generosity and twisted that foal’s mind so much that she is more human than pony now, with a human name and a human stance and a human mate.
Looks like Rarity's not the only one who can hold a grudge for twenty years.

Toward the end, Ms. Cult Leader asks for recruits to join the "Purehooves", but not before taking off her own cloak and mask.

She's Sunset Shimmer. Fuck my life.


 ** No.21451001 Report
>>21450583
>I have nothing but contempt for this story.
It's not as bad as I make it sound...

Actually, on second thought, yeah, it pretty much is. I was going to say that I mainly post the spectacularly stupid drama bits, and the war stuff is just mediocre rather than terrible, but then I realized that half the war parts involve the same level of idiocy as the drama. Example: Luna and Celestia ignore the Iranians that are shooting hundreds of their people, and instead rush to save Elusive and Mike (because they're Family, and Family Is Important Above All Else).

>>21450681
>I'm honestly impressed how the author kicks off a multi-species conflict over nothing more than a single, decade long custody case.
The war kicked off because NMM and Chrysalis decided to come back and wreck Equestria's shit.

Although...

The story makes it pretty clear that NMM is the real boss of the other side's war effort, and the only reason NMM is back is that some unknown pony was so angry that they actually invited NMM to possess them (unlike Luna, who was tricked into it somehow). Furthermore, NMM does seem to have an unhealthy obsession with DJ, for reasons that are currently unclear.

So, I would not be surprised if NMM is back because somebody was really pissed off at DJ. It would certainly fit with the way the rest of the story has been going. 



### Chapter 14 ###

 ** No.21454612
I'm not even going to explain this one. Just look:

>Inside the compartment was a vial filled with red liquid – blood, from the looks of it. ... The blood was that from an earlier blood sample from Sweetie Belle, before Pip had stolen her away; it was thus virginal blood and when combined with an aphrodisiac potion that had been made by a now-former member of the Guild ... it created something very potent and powerful.
>And damning. The ownership of a familiar was considered black magic and thus highly illegal in Equestria; furthermore, from an international perspective, it was considered slavery and thus also illegal from that method, too. The vial Star had contained her “release”, her own getaway and vacation.
>Pulling the stopper off the bottle, she poured the liquid onto the ground. The red blob of blood and magic grew, warped and stretched, growing larger, gaining form, growing bones, muscles, organs. Skin, fur and hooves followed, then a mane and tail and eyes, and within seconds, Sweetie Belle stood before Star, looking at the younger unicorn with eyes of love and lust. Only the lack of a cutie mark on the familiar was any sort of indicator that it wasn’t truly her mentor and would-be lover.

Yeah, that's right: Sweetie's apprentice has the hots for her so bad, she's willing to resort to black magic. What could possibly go wrong?

And in case you had any lingering doubts about where this is going:
>“I have missed you, my love,” the Sweetie Belle spoke, her voice soft and filled with tenderness. Artificial tenderness, built-in by the perpetual aphrodisiac that was permanently in her blood...
>“But I am her,” the familiar insisted. “I’m her blood, her lips, her sex. And my only purpose is to make you happy, my love. Doesn’t she want the same for you?” A kiss full on the mouth this time, the two mares liplocking for a couple of minutes.

"Totally crushing on", my ass. This is some psycho stalker shit going on right here. 


 ** No.21455363
>Wait, wait, wait, hold up. Let me see if I got this right. Sweetie Belle's apprentice -- I'm assuming Star Swirl (the filly, not the Bearded) -- clones her master with fucking period blood just so she can fuck her? 

I don't think it's period blood - it just has to be blood that was taken when she was a virgin, apparently. But other than that, yeah, you got it right.


Okay, now let's do some math.

- Let S be the year in which Sweetie Belle was born
- Let T, R, and F be the years in which Twilight, Rarity, and Star Swirl the Filly were born
- Let V be the year in which Sweetie and Pip first started dating (really, the year in which Sweetie lost her virginity, after which her blood would be no good for the spell)
- Let B be the year in which SStF obtained the blood sample from Sweetie

As a reminder, the story takes place in the year 2047.

I. From the scene at the start of chapter 15, we learn that Star Swirl was apprenticed to Sweetie when Star was 9 or 10 years old and Sweetie was 31. Therefore: 31 - 10 = 21 ≤ F - S ≤ 22 = 31 - 9.
II. In chapter 13, Twilight mentions her age: she's 63 at the time of the story, which is the year 2047. So T = 1984 = 2047 - 63.
III. Assume Rarity was born within 3 years of Twilight: -3 ≤ R - T ≤ 3
IV. Assume Sweetie Belle was born 8 to 12 years after Rarity: 8 ≤ S - R ≤ 12
V. Sweetie Belle claims her and Pip were together (on and off) for more than 20 years. Thus V ≤ 2027 = 2047 - 20.
VI. The blood was stolen while Sweetie was a virgin: B ≤ V

We wish to know B - F, Star Swirl's age when she obtained the blood.

VII. Add up I, III, IV, and substitute with II to obtain: 26 ≤ F - 1984 ≤ 37, or 2010 ≤ F ≤ 2021
VIII. Combine V and VI to obtain: B ≤ 2027.
IX. Subtract VII from VII to obtain: B - F ≤ 2027 - 2010 = 17

Star Swirl has been planning this since she was no older than 17. The blood sample itself is between 20 and 28 years old.

TL;DR: Star Swirl the Filly is a sick fuck. 



### Chapter 15-16 ###

 ** No.21468424
I finished chapter 16 of AAG. It featured lots of shouting.

First, in the Celestia/Mike department, Luna goes to tease Celestia about her secret crush, and Celestia reveals that she has fallen in love with Mike (the main character DJ's husband, for those who haven't been following along). Luna assumes that means they're actually having an affair, and starts cussing out Celestia for being a "hypocritial harridelle". Celestia replies with some childish ranting, and pisses off Luna even more by mentioning Robin (Luna's human husbando, who Luna's spent the past 20 years pining for).

The world's least mature 5000-year-olds spend a few more minutes Royal Canterlot Voice'ing at each other, after which Cadance shows up to RCV at both of them a bit, and to remind them that their country is almost certainly going to be embroiled in World War III by the end of the week. Eventually Luna and Cadance calm down, but Celestia is still upset. Luna points out that Celestia is acting like a child, so Celestia proves her right by teleporting away to sulk.

The rest of the shouting comes from the DJ/Rarity plot line. Rarity's still in the hospital, slowly dying of Nightmare Magic Poison-itis, and DJ has finally decided to go talk to her. It goes about as well as you'd expect, given Rarity's ever-present paranoia and delusions of persecution. Rarity spends a while insulting DJ's life decisions, but after seeing DJ's kids, she backs off a bit. Not because she has any real interest in reconciling with anybody, but rather because she knows that if she burns all her bridges, she will have no chance of saving the kids from the evil brainwashing perpetrated by DJ and her parents. In the end, DJ and Rarity hate each other about as much as they always have, so all this shouting didn't really accomplish much.

There's also some WWIII stuff in this chapter, but I'm going to hold off posting about that until I've figured out precisely how stupid the various world powers are being. 



### Chapter 17-19 ###

 ** No.21483210
On today's episode of the All-American Drama-o-Rama...


The Bad Guys appear to have given up on starting WWIII. Instead, they send Broken Armor (one of the Pepsis) the hospital where the M6 are slowly dying from NMM's curse, so he can blow the place up and kill them all. Fortunately, Twilight Sunburn (the no-longer-evil Pepsi who Faust rescued) shows up to help out. It seems converting to good turned her into some kind of mega badass, and she wipes the floor with Armor and saves the day.

Now watch as WWIII happens anyway because everyone in this fic is dumb.


Speaking of Sunburn... For some reason, she considers Twilight Sparkle to be her mother. Bit of an odd choice, since her actual parents are Chrysalis and Shining Armor. Twilight is totally cool with this, since it means she can hop on the "Importance Of Family" bandwagon without needing to actually get pregnant and give birth at age 64. As an added bonus, the curse that has been slowly killing Twilight for the past two months is magically cured, through the Power Of Family-- er, through the power of hope, or some such thing.

Of course, having both mother and daughter named Twilight something would just be too confusing for everybody, so Sunburn changes her name to Shining Dawn.


Finally, a big reveal about DJ's heritage. After all the issues DJ and Rarity have had with each other, it turns out Rarity isn't actually her biological mother after all.

Yeah, that's right: DJ isn't actually Rarity's kid. She's one of Rarity's husband's kids, from his previous marriage to Derpy (or Ditzy, I forget which is the dead one). I don't know how this failed to come out during the trial, but somehow DJ doesn't know all this yet. I'm sure when she finds out the amount of shouting will be simply spectacular.


200 characters left? All right, let's talk about accents.
>No ‘ffense, Ah respect ‘cha an’ all, Lyra, but t’ me, this is a family matter
>Whut good duz that do fer DJ or Rares?
I hate everything. 


 ** No.21483823
>>21483450
>>Finally, a big reveal about DJ's heritage. After all the issues DJ and Rarity have had with each other, it turns out Rarity isn't actually her biological mother after all.
>What. WHAT. Seriously? After allllll that shit, and they pull this twist? Wow. I think this is the first time I got mad at this story. 

>“I’m too much of a stallion to cry, you know that,” he admitted. “But…it was like a dream come true, Celestia. She was there. My little filly was there, and she’s all grown up now and….” The troubled emotions on his face were as plain as day. “She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know about her sisters, does she?”
>“No, I don’t think she does,” Celestia told him. “She’s been to the gravesite before – the night before the decision I met Spike and Sweetie, who took her there, but I didn’t say anything and I suspect that they didn’t tell her either.”
>The eyes of the “stallion who couldn’t cry” suddenly became a bit misty. “It’s not right. She deserves to know. She should know. Sparkler and Dinky loved her. They didn’t just save the life of an innocent foal – though I’d have been proud of them just for that if it had been just that. They died saving their baby sister. Derpy, too – she of all ponies didn’t deserve that. None of them did!”
...
>“But what if I’d told her that two of the ponies who died saving her were her older sisters? Then what? That we’d expect her to give up everything she knew out of guilt for Sparkler’s and Dinky’s deaths? I suspect they wouldn’t have liked that thought. And while I didn’t know your ex-wife, Silver, based on how your daughters were raised I suspect she wouldn’t have been too happy about that line of thought as well.”

I read this as saying that Dinky and Sparkler are DJ's sisters, and (implied) that Derpy is her mother. But on closer inspection, I don't think that's right. The last paragraph mentions that two (of the three) that died protecting DJ were her sisters, but says nothing of the third (Derpy). So I think Dinky and Sparkler are only DJ's HALF-sisters, and the author is handwaving the difference (because the only distinction that matters is Family vs. Not Family, as you should know by now).

TL;DR: false alarm 

 ** No.21483992
Quoted By: >>21484550
>>21483886
>Ehh. Now I'm confu-sed. 
Yeah, me too. But I'm pretty sure this is how it goes:

>Derpy and Silversteel got married
>They had two kids, Sparkler and Dinky
>Derpy and Silversteel got divorced

>Rarity and Silversteel got married
>They had a kid, Sandalwood/DJ

So Sparkler and Dinky are DJ's half-sisters on her dad's side. But half-sisters is still close enough to count as Family, I guess, so the author just left out the "half" part throughout the section I quoted. It also means DJ is 100% guaranteed going to get all bent out of shape when she finds out that the ponies who died protecting her from gryphons were relatives, not just some random Non-Family. 


 ** No.21485542
>>21485249
>Any indication its winding down
None whatsoever. There's still a huge pile of subplots that are unresolved, plus the main war plot.

>DJ needs to make up with Rarity
>Pip needs to get actual-married to Imago
>Sweetie needs to get over Pip and get with either Rumble or her crazy apprentice
>Celestia needs to convince Luna that no, her and Mike really aren't having an affair, and then probably get with Sam (DJ's brother)
>Luna needs to either get over Robin or get back together with him
>Twilight and Other Twilight have to get some mother-daughter bonding done

The war plot needs at least one more epic battle, so they can kill NMM, Chrysalis, a couple dozen Pepsis, and probably a few hundred thousand changeling drones. That might wind up being multiple battles. Plus another few if Iran actually goes ahead with World War III (which I think they probably will, despite it now being BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS that literally everything is a changeling false-flag). Also Faust and Discord need to finish with whatever the fuck they've been doing this whole time, though that will probably wind up being part of the final battle.



[Aside:]
 ** No.21490033
[Image: https://i.imgur.com/X5hdMZy.jpg (aag-family.jpg)]
I think my two biggest issues with this fic are (1) main characters do unbelievably stupid things because of "muh family", and (2) everything is full of over-the-top, totally unnecessary drama.

Examples of (1):
>Sweetie, regarding Pip: Oh, during the time we weren't together, he had kids with this other mare? Well, guess I better disregard everything I want and everything he wants, and break up with him, because He Needs To Be With His Family
>Luna jumps off of Cloudsdale to save Elusive (because He Is Family), instead of sticking around to do something about NMM and the planes that are killing hundreds of her people
>Celestia takes Mike straight back to Canterlot (because He Is Family - also because she wants the monkey dick, but that falls more under (2)), instead of sticking around to do something about NMM and the PLANES THAT ARE KILLING HUNDREDS OF HER PEOPLE

The family thing is extra bad because the author contrived that "bond of sisterhood" thing which makes nearly a third of the cast all part of one big family. (See pic. The ones marked in green are those I think DJ currently considers to be some kind of family member.)

Examples of (2):
>Rainbow Blitz bombing Fillydelphia
>Pip and the nazi cultists
>Everything else about the nazi cultists
>M6 dying in the hospital, and more generally, basically everything about DJ and Rarity
>Everything about Celestia/Mike
>Everything about Pip/Sweetie/Imago 



### Chapter 20-21 ###

 ** No.21497087
So, Celestia/Sam is a thing now.

Remember back in chapter 16, when Luna went off on Celestia over the whole Mike thing, and Celestia teleported away? Well, she switched to human form and stood at the top of some tower for a while, looking out over the city. DJ's brother Sam saw her up there and thought she was about to an hero, so he climbed the vines up the side of the building to stop her. Celestia was so impressed by his manliness that she decided to create a new law enforcement agency to put him in charge of. There's more to this but it was boring.

Anyhow, in chapter 20, the two of them actually go on a date. Celestia (in human form) teleports them both to Washington, DC, for dinner. It's all romantic and emotional or whatever, so halfway through dinner, Sam kisses Celestia. Naturally, she freaks the fuck out and charges straight out of the restaurant. Sam chases her half a mile in the rain and finally catches her by some park, at which point the world's least mature 4,000-year-old has an emotional breakdown and spends a while sobbing uncontrollably. After sorting that out, they make out for a while, but a cop shows up and tells them to get a room. So they teleport back to Canterlot.

And then they fucked.

They fucked all evening. Celestia lowered the sun half an hour late, and after that, they fucked some more. Celestia apparently never got laid in all 4,000 years of her life, not even when she was with that Argent Lance guy. Anyway, they fucked a bunch and I guess eventually went to sleep. Celestia woke up early to raise the sun and magically seal the door, that way the palace maids wouldn't interrupt them while they spent all morning fucking.

This basically went on for 24 hours straight. It sure is nice there was nothing important for Celestia to do that day, like deal with an ongoing war, or help with whatever the fuck Twilight is doing to cure everybody's Nightmare Magic Poison-itis.


Also in chapter 20:
>Derpelle Jessica Hooves
Kill me now. 


 ** No.21501284
>>21500996
>I'd have imagined that you had to do something more impressive than climbing a building and going on a date to be able to fuck a 4000 year old virgin god. 
Well, yeah, there was a little more to it, but mostly in terms of Celestia's state of mind. "Oh, he treats me like a real mare", "I don't want to always be the distant and untouchable princess", "everyone has a Family of their own when I have never experienced true love #foreveralone", etc. (World's least mature 6,000-year-old, remember. Because who doesn't like seeing best princess acting like she's 14?) These are basically the exact same reasons why she was suddenly in love with DJ's husband 10 chapters ago, and same thing for Argent Lance. Yet somehow nobody else was able to meet these exacting standards in the 700 years between Argent Lance and Mike. 


 ** No.21513801 Report
>>21513398
>in chapter 21ish, there's a scene where DJ touches a mysterious crystal in twilights parents basement.
Ugh, yeah, I remember that.

>oh, she touched the crystal ball so she's getting visions of the future
>wow, the future is dumb, i hope the author doesn't actually do this
“You sure you okay, DJ?” Lyra asked. “Occasionally, earth ponies have been known to hallucinate while touching a chargesphere while unprepared….”
>LOL JK SHE JUST TRIPPIN 


 ** No.21503975
>>21503416
>I know you spent most of the time making fun of it, but what did you think of it overall?
I wouldn't recommend it to anybody. The story can't decide if it wants to be about war or about relationship drama, and winds up doing both, poorly. Plus, the author just glosses over all the interesting parts of the story.

On the war side, I suspect the author didn't do a particularly thorough job of planning out the course of the war, because what we see in the story is the bad guys setting up reasonably clever plans and then throwing them away for no clear reason. Exmaples:
>NMM hires human mercenaries, sends them on exactly one mission, then keeps them around despite apparently having nothing else for them to do
>Chrysalis takes over Fillydelphia, turns it into a giant hive producing thousands of new drones, then does absolutely nothing to defend it even with full knowledge of Cadance's planned attack
>NMM pulls that triple false flag, plus extracting the Iranian pilots before they can testify, even though everyone already knows changelings are involved (and in case they forgot, she sends changelings to attack the hospital too)

The good guys' war effort is even worse, being virtually nonexistent. I joked a lot about the princesses screwing around when they should have been running the war, but really, I don't think the story has ever shown them making any real effort in that regard. The closest they've come is punching terrorists in Singapore, blowing up Filly, and sending Rumble's guys to spy on that Iranian air base. 

 ** No.21503994
The drama side of the story is firmly in "so bad it's good" territory. I normally despise any work of fiction that forces otherwise-reasonable characters to act like idiots for the sake of the plot, but this fic just has the biggest, craziest idiot ball I've ever seen. We've got stuff like paranoid-schizophrenic Rarity, Celestia acting like a teenager, and Pip/Sweetie/Imago working out their issues in the middle of a war zone (followed, of course, by Sweetie's self-imposed martyrdom and the barrel of fun that is Crazy Blood Girl). On top of that, there's the whole "bond of sisterhood" thing, which seems like an utterly contrived way to ensure that anything that happens to any character is automatically considered 1,000% serious.

There were a few things I actually did like - NMM's personality is... interesting, and I thought Sunburn's development into the Nice Pepsi was actually handled quite well - but overall, I would say that the stupid far outweighed the good.

>Also, are you going to do similar reviews (or whatever the appropriate term is) in the future?
I've been here since 5%, posting perodically about stories that I find particularly awful. This was just the only one that took off in a big way. I don't have any plans to go seeking out bad fics to trash-talk, if that's what you mean.

I do at least plan to comment on the final chapter of book 1, since it should be going up in the next couple of months. I also plan to read the side stories, which I expect to be better overall, though I'm sure I'll run across a few things worth writing about. I'm not sure I'll keep following AAG other than that. 



### Chapter 22 ###

 ** No.21502933
Hey, I'm finally done with this thing! Here's where the story stands as of the end of chapter 22:

>Changeling War
No attacks since the hospital bombing. Chrysalis just sent Blue Velvet (sexy Pepsi) to Saddle Arabia to seduce Prince Artemis (who, of course, is the son of Prince Solaris).

>Other Pepsis
Blood Armor (boss Pepsi) is doing war stuff.

Twilight Sunburn/Shining Dawn (nice Pepsi) has recently been adopted by Twilight Sparkle. "Hello, mysterious changeling person I just met today, you are now part of the Family and I trust you completely! ...Girls, why are you giving me those funny looks?"

Also Dusk Shine (baby Pepsi) has been adopted by Cadance, but doesn't do much of interest on account of being a baby.

>World War III
Doesn't seem to be happening. I guess everybody forgot about it?

>Neonazi Pony Cultists
The Purehooves have apparently infiltrated the government enough to worry Celestia. Also, their ringleader, Sunset Shimmer, is actually Blueblood's wife in disguise (or maybe the other way around).

>Nightmare Magic Poison-itis
Twilight and Applejack have gotten their NMPI cured through the magic of hope. RD and Rarity are still infected, and Sweetie is too since she ran in to save everybody during the hospital attack. Recall that Pinkie and Fluttershy never got infected because Pinkie managed to teleport them away when NMM attacked (using lel randumb 4thwall powerz, I assume).

Oh, and don't forget, Rainbow Dash has been pregnant this whole time.

>Faust and Discord
Discord is still stoned. Faust, having successfully rescued Sunburn and sent her on to Twilight, is now back at home with her (human) husband and kids. Discord's agents, Screwball and Screw Loose, followed Faust home, forcing her to reveal to her children that she's secretly an alicorn queen from another dimension. (Her husband already knew.)

Also, apparently Human-Earth has always had human wizards and magical monsters. They're just really good at hiding or something. 

 ** No.21502948
>DJ/Rarity
DJ made up with Elusive and Silversteel (Rarity's husband). She hasn't made up with Rarity yet. She never made up with Minty (who fucking hated her for some reason) because Minty's dead.

Silversteel told DJ about her "sisters", Derpelle's daughters (the author seems strangely opposed to the term "half-sister"). There was a surprising shortage of crying, screaming, etc. in that scene.

>Pip's Love Pentagon
Appears to be falling out as follows:
- Pip and Imago are together, raising their hybrid flutter kids, and plan to get married. They're currently in Canterlot to make the flutters' existence public knowledge.
- Rumble and Star Swirl (crazy blood girl), who both looked like potential matches for Sweetie Belle, spent the end of the last chapter making out with each other instead.
- Sweetie is undoubtedly doomed to die cold and alone, with no Family to call her own.

>Celestia's Love Life
Celestia kissed Mike (DJ's husband) once, and later sort of tried to seduce him. This caused all manner of drama when Luna and Cadance found out.

More recently, Celestia and Sam (DJ's brother) spent a day and a half fucking each other silly. She also put him in charge of this new multispecies law enforcement agency, which is going to be overseen by Luna. (See? No conflict of interest here!) Everybody knows that Celestia finally got laid (she's quite a moaner, apparently) but nobody knows she's with Sam in particular.

>Luna's Love Life
Now that Celestia has firsthand experience of the joys of hot monkey dick, she regrets splitting up Luna and Robin (human) all those years ago. To make up for that, she suggested that Luna take a break from the whole "country at war" thing and go spend some time with him. Luna, being the brains of the operation, realized that this is a fucking terrible idea, and decided to wait until Equestria isn't in imminent danger.


And finally:
>Author's Note:
>Next: the Conclusion of Book I!
Who here is hype for 700,000 more words!?



### Chapter 23-24 ###

We get off to a great start, with Celestia forgetting to raise the sun due to being distracted by hot monkey dickings.

Twilight's planning some sort of shindig in the basement of the bombed-out hospital, and she invited all her "sisters" (M6 + princesses). Whatever she's planning will either cure Rarity, Sweetie, and Rainbow Dash of the curse they've been under since chapter 2, or else it will kill everyone involved.

Being wise and responsible rulers, and aware of the extreme risk, Celestia and Luna plan the handover of the government to Blueblood (as king) and Lyra (as prime minister) in case they die.

A bunch of other random shit happens:
> Chrysalis and Mr. Taco plan to kidnap scientists and make them build nukes
> Sunset, in her usual disguise as Champaigne Dreams (Blueblood's wife), creates a Sunset-shaped golem to act as her secretary (no idea why)
> Star Swirl the Psycho and Rumble fuck a lot, and are sort of dating now, even though he's twice her age and she's been making Sweetie Belle sex golems for over 10 years

Finally, everyone meets up at the ruined hospital. It's finally time for the shindig. But first:
> all DJ's friends stand around talking about how they're all bad ponies for not treating DJ enough like a human (5 pages)
> DJ shows up
> everyone apologizes, and she forgives them all (5 more pages)
Also, Mike slaps around Blueblood a bit for talking shit about his waifu, and doesn't get in trouble thanks to rampant corruption in the Equestriani government.

Now it's REALLY time for the shindig, right? Nope - before it starts, Celestia teleports Sam away so they can make out in her office for a while. They head back after getting caught by Cadance.

How about now? No again - instead let's read about how Chrysalis is planning to send 2500 changelings to attack the hospital, which is currently crawling with both the royal guard and a bunch of marines.

And now? Nope, chapter's over, gotta wait 6 months for the next one. THE END



### Chapter 25 ###

HEY GUYS I HEARD YOU LIKE LOVE TRIANGLES

>“Wow, I did not know she still had a thing for him,” Lyra said softly. DJ merely looked at her, as if expecting an answer.
>She got an answer, but not from the person she was expecting it from.
>“The mare’s name is Honeysuckle, and she was close friends with Minty; she also had a thing for Elusive. However, she was the daughter of Guard parents who got reassigned elsewhere, and that’s when your brother met Apple Butter. Times changed, the Guard became the military, and Honeysuckle joined the latter, returning to Ponyville to find your brother engaged.” They turned to see Spitfire standing there, looking at them both. 

Everyone is in pony NORAD to watch some big event and Elusive is off in the corner talking to some military officer who apparently still has the hots for him
This is literally the SECOND PAGE


 ** Part 1-2

All right, here's the deal. Way the fuck back in chapter 2, Twilight, RD, AJ, and Rarity got hit with some nightmare-powered magic poison virus thingy. After a few months just sitting around waiting to die, Twilight and AJ were both cured by the power of H O P E. In this chapter, Twilight finally gets to try out her plan to cure the rest of them. But first, a bunch of other random shit has to happen.

DJ, Lyra, and Elusive (Rarity's son) chill at Pony NORAD for a while, then get escorted off to the VIP room. Surprise! The VIP room is a bank vault and their escort is Chrysalis. She locks them in and wanders off to secretly take over the rest of Pony NORAD.

There are two other prisoners in the bank vault with them. The first is some kind of alternate, non-Hitler version of  Sunset Shimmer, who promptly became my favorite character in the entire series:
> "You have a coltfriend?" Cerise interjected. "Lemme guess: Heart Monitor, or Good Medicine?"
> [Sunset:] "Could we talk about that later?"

The other prisoner is Chatoyance:
> "Lord Elusive, how could you stand to be with this betrayer?" [Cerise] asked him. "She stepped in the way of everything you and your family stand for! And you’re with this…this…human?"
> Elusive looked at the woman, finding it more than a bit ironic that she would use her own species’ name as an epithet towards DJ.

Now back to our regularly scheduled nonsense. Celestia, Luna, and Cadance are getting ready for their part in Twilight's grand plan. Luna decides this is a great time to discuss her (lack of) love life: Luna is butthurt because Celestia is getting laid now and she's not, so says she's going to abdicate and go live on human-earth with her husbando Robin, just as soon as they're done with whatever it is they're doing. The princesses go from 0 to QUADRUPLE YELLING in half a page, then calm right the fuck back down in another half-page and go off to do their actual jobs.

It's time for some warfic bullshit. Mr. Taco is sends a bunch of pepsis and Iranians off in fancy new fighter jets to blow up Canterlot and Equestria's one aircraft carrier. These jets were custom-designed and built in about two months by a bunch of kidnapped nuclear physicists, so obviously they're packed with the latest and greatest in both electronics and magitech. Also, Mr. Taco bought 100 older fighter jets and brought them through the portal, without anyone ever noticing that the actual Equestriani government neither wanted nor paid for 100 fighter jets, solely for the purpose of target practice for his shiny new "Privateers".

Next, we finally find out the princesses' part of the plan. They're going to channel a shitload of magic from the sun, the moon, and wherever love comes from, and send it to Twilight so she can blow up the nightmare magic poison-itis. This apparently involves flying around in a circle really fast and chanting in broken Latin. 

Suddenly, out of nowhere: it's Nightmare Moon! It's Chrysalis! It's Mr. Taco's magitech fighter jets! It's 100,000 changelings! I don't know how you make 100,000 changelings appear out of nowhere, but Chrysalis apparently managed it, because the Equestriani military had no idea they were nearby.


This is about where I stopped reading. Some outrageous fraction of the Equestriani military has been patrolling Canterlot on high alert since the start of this chapter, and now that they finally know where the bad guys are, they're getting BTFO. But I'm only about halfway through the chapter at this point, so I'm sure there's more insanity to come.


 ** Part 3-4

Last we saw, the princesses were flying at mach 6 in circles above the ruined hospital, channeling magical energy from their respective spheres to Twilight. (Note that the hospital wasn't ruined by the perpetual sonic boom emanating from the three alicorns, because there isn't one, but rather by a changeling attack a few chapters ago.) But just as they get wound up, NMM attacks Celestia, Chrysalis attacks Luna, and changelings and Mr. Taco's magical jetplanes attack the legions of troops who have just been hanging around in Canterlot all chapter long.

Celestia summons her sword to fight Nightmare Moon. It doesn't work, so she summons her other sword, and her OTHER other sword, and fights NMM with all three at once. But because this is AAG, they don't just fight, they also discuss some family drama at the same time. 
> “You think me a creation of Luna’s madness, but that was never true. I existed long before either of you. I came into being at the same time as my sister: your aunt, Faust.” 
> “Such a naïve little foal, thinking because the lone surviving alicorn raised her that she must’ve spat her out of her cunt.” The Nightmare laughed cruelly. “Listen, little princess, for I will tell you a True Thing: You’re not Faust’s daughter…
> “…you’re mine.”
OH EM GEE. 
 
But enough about them, let's talk about bug horse. Luna basically beats her sorry ass and leaves her for dead. (Spoilers: she doesn't die.)

The changelings are fucking up literally everything. But DJ and friends break out of Pony NORAD's VIP bank vault (thanks to DJ having inherited dear ol' dad's "Monolith" strength and being literally bigger than Big Mac), break into Pony NORAD's control room, and mash buttons at random until a bunch of big fuckin' guns appear from nowhere. Specifically, 37 cannons firing changeling-seeking crystal grenades, which were hidden under various rooftops all over Canterlot. The changelings promptly get BTFO.

Mr. Taco's magical jetplanes come in to destroy the guns before they do too much damage. But Rainbow Blitz and his non-magical jetplanes show up just in time to fight them. The gryphon air force also comes to help for some reason.

On the ground, all the important male characters in the story (except Elusive, who was in the VIP vault) are fighting bugs, when NMM shows up to fuck with them. She grabs Edgelord and breaks his neck to show how serious and evil she is. She picks up Sam next, but unfortunately Celestia spots her at this point. Seeing NMM fucking with her husbando enables Celestia to unleash her full power, like so:
> “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
> From where she’d stood, Celestia became light and rocketed forward, slamming into Nightmare and sending both careening into a building diagonal from where the group were. She continued to hammer the Nightmare, stronger than she’d ever hit anypony before in her life. The blows thundered and caused shockwaves as they went through building after building.
> “YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH HIM!” she roared. “YOU WILL DIE, HERE AND NOW, FIEND!” 
(Spoilers: she doesn't die. She is forced to retreat, though.)

Now that the battle is pretty much won, Celestia and Luna rejoin the mach-6 magic party, where poor Cadance has been flying in circles alone. Twilight isn't done with the spell, but she's still safe for now thanks to her pepsi daughter Shining Dawn, who has shapeshifted into Twilicorn and is DBZ'ing any changelings who come near. When the magic party picks up again, she finishes the spell, which burns away all the nightmare magic poison-itis, makes a big rainbow that turns into magical singing alicorns, blasts all the remaining changelings out of the city, and heals all the wounded soldiers.

Hooray! The good guys won. Now it's time for some kind of epilogue, I guess, followed by the start of Book II.


 ** Post-edit
[Shinzakura wasn't happy with the way chapter 25 went, so he made some major edits.]

I survived all 33,000 words of it. Here are the major changes:

>Luna still plans to reconnect with her human husbando, but won't step down from the throne
>Champaigne Dreams is in Saddle Arabia just before the magical jetplanes take off, meaning the Sunset Shimmer in the VIP Vault must be Champaigne/Hitler Sunset's secretary golem from chapter 23. (See >>30520869)
>Soarin' used to have the hots for Spitfire, who may or may not be his cousin
>The 1/3 of the army that was sent down the mountain gets BTFO by two pepsis and their pet lavacelots
>The bad guys are now coordinated enough to all attack at once
>Edgelord McWerewolf has a special snowflake magic laser sniper rifle (he still gets fucking murdered, though)
>The fighter wing that rushes to defend Canterlot now includes Scootaloo as well as Rainbow Blitz
>the fighters get saved by "Adm. Flash Sentry, commanding REN/REAF Ad-Hoc Wing ONE", rather than the griffon air force

And now for the best part.
>ponies made contact with human-earth
>saw how cool and popular NASA and other space programs are
>made their own space program, GALLOP
>kept it semi-secret for literally no reason

>turns out on human-earth, the US, Russia, etc all have "rods from god" weapons now
>but they totally promise not to use these against each other
>they all just need convenient ways to blow THEMSELVES up
>you know, in case they get invaded by aliens or something

>ponies are nearly as stupid as humans
>they also put "rods from god" in orbit, right above Canterlot
>princesses decide to use them during the battle of canterlot
>100s of tungsten rods fall from orbit directly toward the city
>this will surely kill the changelings, along with every other living thing in the city
>SURPRISE! these are MAGIC tungsten rods
>just above the ground, they turn into rainbow lightning that fries changelings
>also heals ponies, and inexplicably deals zero damage to buildings
Shinzakura's excuse: pic related



### Chapter 26 ###

 ** No.30555752
Hey, quick AAG question. Does anyone remember what the deal is with Robin [spoiler]Luna's human husbando[/spoiler] and his daughter, or remember which chapters of the main and/or side stories mention her? Because the latest chapter drops what looks to be some fucking nonsensical reverse Jerry Springer shit and I'm not sure yet how confused I should be.


 ** No.30555797
 >>30555752
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/26335/6/be-human-the-all-american-girl-sidestories/the-busker

Robin shows up in The Busker and becomes a recurring character throughout the rest of the anthology.

And you shouldn't be confused at all if you've followed the proper rituals to prevent contamination by the Warp. 


 ** No.30555944
>>30555797
>>30555813
YOU ARE TOO LATE
I read ahead and this shit is EXACTLY as fucked up as I thought

>long time ago
>Luna goes to earth
>meets some dude with a guitar (Robin Kirkland)
>they fuck
>Luna goes back to equestria cause she's gotta do princess shit forever

>few years later
>Robin marries his first wife (Saffron)
>they have a kid
>kid's name is Luna Sterling Kirkland
>(Saffron doesn't know about Robin and equestriani Luna, obviously)

>few more years later
>Saffron "just knows" that something is wrong
>secretly gets a dna test done on Sterling
>Robin Kirkland, you ARE the father!
>Saffron Kirkland, you ARE NOT the mother!
Yeah that's right, Sterling is NOT biologically related in any way to Saffron, even though Saffron LITERALLY GAVE BIRTH TO HER
>by the way
>nobody ever tells Luna about this

>more years
>kid gets older
>inexplicably gains the ability to shapeshift into AN ALICORN
>basically identical to Luna except her coat is gray
>somehow, NOBODY FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS EVER
>and NOBODY TELLS LUNA

>current year
>Luna shows up at Robin's house
>Sterling comes home from school
>"oh hey luna, looks like sterling's home, by the way SHE IS YOUR DAUGHTER"

There is LITERALLY NO EXPLANATION for how this happened [spoiler]though it seems like Luna might have a theory, so stay tuned[/spoiler]
It's the fucking magic of F A M I L Y or some shit, I dunno

[spoiler]Based Shinzakura bringing the crazy. I might have brain damage now but shit like this is the reason I read AAG[/spoiler]


 ** No.30556269
>>30555944
> Luna started to look irritated. “Do you really want to know why? Fine! I’m not coming back until Friday night because fourteen years ago I made love to Robin in a dream, the Tantabus got loose, merged with his sperm and as a result, I have a teenage daughter, and yes, she’s an alicorn, and I have just screwed the hell up as a mother! Now deal with it, I’ll be back Friday and then we can declare war to your heart’s content, okay? Bye!” She banished her phone to who knew where.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA [spoiler]THIS MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE[/spoiler]


 ** No.30562272
NMM's host is dead, so she gets a new one. Also, the old host's identity is finally revealed: it's Orange Box. (Literally who?)

Spitfire is dead. There's a funeral and shit.

The Iranian fighter captain is not dead. He bitches at Mr. Taco for sending a bunch of untrained pepsis as pilots (they all got BTFO). By the way, the aircraft carrier they attacked is also not dead.

Lyra is almost dead. This is the most bullshit thing in the entire chapter because Lyra is cool and her near-fatal injury is 1000% contrived. During the battle, she hit the button for the orbital friendship cannon, and it worked but also electrocuted her for literally no reason. She's now in the hospital.

Non-Hitler Sunset (Champaigne's golem) is supposed to be dead, because Champaigne's worried about her getting out of control, but NHS resists because she's already turning into a real girl.

Chrysalis gets dead. Blood Armor takes over and all the changelings move to Saddle Arabia.

Luna fucks Robin. Celestia fucks Sam. Star Swirl fucks Rumble. Pip fucks Imago. Sweetie Belle is foreveralone but her friends (who are all married by the way) throw her a party to cheer her up.

I already talked about Luna and Robin's kid.

DJ and Rarity actually talk to each other, finally. Unfortunately Rarity is still fucking stupid. Among other things, she tries to insist that DJ send her kids to Not-Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, despite them obviously not being unicorns. Oh, and of course they'll have to adopt pony names, to fit in.  DJ tells her to fuck off, obviously.

Equestria is part of NATO (despite not even being on the same planet as the North Atlantic), so Celestia requests help defending against future nightmare / changeling / taco attacks. They agree, but Megan Williams warns her that the secretary general of NATO is secretly part of an anti-pony group that was formed by a merger between the KKK and the Black Panthers.

IT'S FINALLY OVER [spoiler]for now at least[/spoiler]