Oh boy, where to begin with this?
I feel like my storytelling went a bit off the rails here. There are a few parts that I think NEED to be revised/retconned/whatever before I continue this story, and that's part of what's had me hung up on hunkering down and completing this story for the last... shit, six years since I last updated? This is shameful. I'm not giving excuses for this. I have had all the free time I need, and instead I'm playing Space Station 13 and shit. New update Soon(tm), or at least that's what I'm praying I get myself to do.


Part 1

>Wednesday, May 15th, 9:19 am
>Day ‘problem solving’ on Earth
>You are Spike
>Jake is okay, but Twilight doesn’t seem to think that because she doesn’t see much of him
>She’s also upset with Jon because of rabbits, but there’s not much you can do there
>It seems like it's sorting itself out anyway
>She's coming around to thinking Jon is fine again
>The way to convince Twilight Jake’s fine is to make them be together
>They do stuff together, they talk, they figure out they have stuff in common, and then Twilight will stop being such a shut-in

>The logic is flawless
>This plan is totally going to work
>Jon already had his turn watching that show about how the bike paths around here are terrible that ran last week around bedtime, so we won’t even miss the TV as much
>I got this all figured out
>Who said you could handle the social stuff?
>It’s my turn to bask in my glory
>Let me have this
>This is going to end in tears.
>I’m open to suggestions if you have better ideas
>Shut up.
>I’ll take that as a no


>You’re a decent way through ‘Banjo Tooie’ by now
>They’ve got an amusement park level
>Twi says that humans are really good at making huge machines
>She tends to dwell on the fact that half of them are for killing each other
>Part of your plan to make her happy is to get her to think about that less
>But if humans are good at building tanks, they must be awesome at making roller coasters
>And they made these games, which is pretty cool too
>You’ve been taking notes the whole time, because now you know you’re supposed to do that sort of thing
>It’s a good game, but that part’s kind of annoying
>You’re not going to quit just because of that
>It’s annoying, sure, but it’s not a deal breaker
>Twilight’s practically looking for deal breakers
>At least that’s what it feels like
>If she was playing this game, she’d probably stop at the very beginning


>To start, the guy who taught you stuff in the last game gets the life sucked out of him to bring back the witch lady that you beat in the last game
>He turns into some sort of ghost thingy with a circle thing over his head, so you have to go fight the green gorilla-looking guy who’s stopping you from chasing after the getaway drill thing being driven by dead-witch and her not-dead sisters
>Then you go through a village of those guys who were hiding around the levels in the last game, and one of the houses was crushed and has a little sign saying that everyone inside died because the getaway drill thing ran over it
>And then you meet king hiding-McPointyface, who gets his life sucked out and becomes a zombie instead of a circle ghost
>After that, you have to explain to the wife and kids of the teacher guy that he’s not going to be home for dinner because he’s sort of dead for the moment
>Then you go to jiggy-head guy and he lets you start playing the real levels
>The first level has a different sort of triangle buildings built by slaves
>Twi said that she found out the ones in Banjo Kazooie actually were built by paid workers, but these Mayan triangle buildings were definitely built by slaves
>Oh, and since the original move-teacher guy is dead for now, he’s been replaced by his brother, which Jake says is “a reference to the Arley Eremy sort of military instructors”


>You don’t know who this “Arley” guy is
>That doesn’t matter, though, because “military instructors” told you all you need to know
>Twilight’s gonna flip out if she sees him, or pretty much anything else except for that one detail about the triangle buildings built by slaves

>What is it with triangles and human slaves, anyway?
>No idea
>Maybe that’s just a ‘thing’ here

>Speaking of human slaves, Jake is putting together Twi’s computer in the basement right now while Twilight ‘supervises’
>Prior to the daily ‘not finding what’s wrong with the Canterlot Computer’ routine with Jon, this is the most open spot in Twilight’s schedule at the moment
>Jake would like to sleep in during that time, and you can’t blame him
>He’s been getting kind of angry at her for bugging him to get that done
>Mostly because he can’t tell what she’s trying to get across to him
>She’s been keeping him from sleeping and being annoying to him, but he’s starting later than he thought he would and doing it quicker than he said he could
>You can’t tell who’s in the right
>It’s none of your business anyway
>It should just blow over once the computer is ready
>You can hear Jake talking with Twilight and working on the computer through the open basement door


>They’re not saying anything interesting, just distracting you from shooting eggs at the patches on the inflatable dragon guy who’s the boss in this level
>The dive attack in the last game was hard to aim, but now that you’re shooting eggs and flying at the same time it’s gotten sort of complicated
>You don’t feel like getting up to close the door, so you’re paused and eavesdropping again
>“Do you really have no questions, Twilight? Or is it that you just can’t stand me?”
>“You’re fine. I’ve got plenty of questions, and that’s the problem.”
>“So solve the problem and ask me.”
>“The solution is the problem. There aren’t answers to questions like ‘why do humans think that Phoenix feathers contain OMCM, and how would a human conduct magical energy they don’t have through something that’s not part of their body?’ And for that matter, what sort of word is ‘muggle?’ The human concept of magic is absolute nonsense! I don’t think I can stand to read any more of this because so much of it is blatantly, distractingly wrong!”
>She must be reading that book about Harry pot-person
>“Don’t blame us for not understanding something we thought was fake.”
>“Nopony’s blaming anyone. I’m calling it like it is, and it doesn’t make sense!”
>“You’re being obnoxious.”
>“Is it wrong to criticize something that has faults?”


>“No, but you are criticizing something that isn't our fault. Give it a rest!”
>“Are you still upset about Monday?”
>“You could have waited until morning to ask me about the one aspect of the movie you decided to tunnel vision onto.”
>“I did not ‘tunnel vision’ on the toy soldiers.”
>“It’s the only thing you asked about from all three of the movies you’ve watched.”
>“I’m studying your society and inferring what I can from the movies. Most of it’s the same, and I’ve picked up on most of the differences already. The toy soldiers were the only thing that stuck out.”
>“So you don’t have toys like that in Equestria? How about chess? Do you play chess?”
>“I don’t want to talk about Equestria. I want to talk about Earth.”
>“Fine. We’ll talk about Earth.”
>They proceed to not talk about anything for thirty seconds
>Jake breaks the silence in a half-grumbling tone
>“I would have expected a lot more questions after you watched Alice in Wonderland.”
>“Actually, I do have two questions about that, but they’re sort of low priority right now.”
>“Spit em’ out. I want to be done with this ASAP.”
>Ooh, he’s getting snappy
>Lucky you paused the game, because you might have to run down there and break this up if you’re going to get “step 1: make Twilight think the humans here are okay” to work
>“Come on, Jake. Why the attitude?”
>“I could ask you the same thing.”


>“Would you please not take this towards petty squabbling?”
>“I won’t if you won’t. Unfortunately, you already did when you pulled me out of bed at 7am today.”
>“I’d prefer to get what I want when I want it. See it from my point of view, would you? Every second I have to wait is another second I don’t get to use the internet to study humans, and you’ve made me wait a month.”
>“You’re one to talk about empathy.”
>“I won’t need to do things that make you grumpy if you don’t break your promises. Deal?”
>“You’ve got a deal, ‘purlplesmart.’”
>“Stop calling me that!”
>“Quit being a taskmaster.”
>“Please, stop calling me that.”
>“That’s better.”
>Now it seems like it’s calming down again
>They’re quiet for a while, then Twilight sheepishly tries to restart the conversation
>“So, uh, about those questions I wanted to ask…”
>Jake still sounds grumpy
>“I’m willing to answer them.”
>“Oh! Good, I was worried that I’d put you in the wrong mood for that.”
>“You did, but that one’s a Pinkie Promise. Something tells me that those are more serious commitments.”
>“And you’d be right. There was this one time my friend, Applejack, made a Pinkie promise to-”
>“Ask the questions.”
>“Alright, alright! So much for breaking the tension.”


>“You set yourself up to fail at that. I’m not in the mood for idle chatter.”
>“You set me up to set you up. Whatever. Was the ‘Queen of Hearts’ character a reference to anything?”
>“I don’t know. French Revolution, maybe. Ask the next one.”
>“I actually thought of another one just now. What was the human who wrote that story on?”
>“Opium.”
>“You’re sure it’s opium?”
>“How much detail did that encyclopedia’s history section have?”
>“It was the bare minimum. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most, how sure are you that it was opium?”
>“Nine and a half. It was in Britain in the 19th century.”
>“Well, I haven’t been presented with anything that depicts that culture.”
>“I told you that list wasn’t done. I wanted to put some Charles Dickens on there, but you wanted it when you wanted it.”
>Now Twilight is getting impatient, too
>“You also told me you’d have this computer ready sooner.”
>“Now who’s dwelling on the past?”
>“You started this.”
>“You’re the one perpetuating it. Why? Do you hate me, or something?”
>“Expressing hatred towards an individual is a misdemeanor crime in Equestria.”
>“Well then it’s a good thing you’re not in Equestria, because it’s pretty clear that you have a massive prejudice against humans. By the way, that law is the silliest thing I’ve heard of.”
>“Of course you’d think it’s silly; your culture is fueled by hatred and violence!”
>“It’s a shame those words are so bitter.”
>“Why’s that?”
>“You’re going to eat them.”


>“Doubtful. You want to know why I’m perpetuating this little spat we’re having?”
>“Tell me. It should be good for a laugh.”
>You imagine that they’re pretty much butting heads down there at this point
>“I could be home before I finish this sentence, and you make me wait a month before you even try to get me independent access to the largest library humans have ever assembled! The Xiezhi Qilin Collective’s best and brightest are going to arrive in Canterlot next week. If they have a way to get me home, I’ve got no time to spare!”
>“You’re getting what you’re paying for. I don’t see you doing anything to make up for the money coming out of my pocket to build this thing, let alone the food and supplies my family buys for you! And who the hell are the ‘zay shee key-lin,’ anyway?”
>“You finish that computer, and I just might get you a book that tells you all about them.”
>“Do I look like one of Pavlov’s dogs to you?! Do you think you can just ring a little bell and I’ll start slobbering for whatever you offer me?”
>“I don’t even know who Pavlov is!”
>“Then we’re even on that level. You know where we’re not even? Favors.”
>There’s a sound that suggests some large, impatient, two-legged creature is stomping up the stairs
>“Hey! Where do you think you’re going?”
>“I just formed a one-man labor union and decided to go on strike. Tough luck, purplesmart.”
>“STOP CALLING ME THAT!”
>You lean over the side of the couch to see Jake walking towards the kitchen


>Well, that was quicker than I thought it would be. Step 1 is a failure.
>Not yet it isn’t
>You got a plan?
>No
>Well sort of, but Twilight won’t like it
>You spring from the couch cushion and make for the basement
>There’s a characteristic red-purple glow coming up the staircase along with a soft, high pitched ringing
>When you finally catch sight of Twilight, she’s sitting on the floor with her nose in a computer case instead of a book
>She’s trying and failing to use her magic on the parts of the computer while muttering to herself
>It looks like she’s doing okay-ish
>She’s not dropping anything, but she doesn’t seem to have the control you’d expect from her
>“C’mon… c’mon, get in there… ‘It’s plug and play! You don’t need me to do it, Twilight! Now leave me alone and let me sleep!’ Not when you don’t let me ‘plug,’ I can’t… Is this even the right slot?”
“Why don’t you ask someone who’d know?”
>Twilight sits up so fast that it throws her mane back and tosses the computer part towards the ceiling
>She barely recovers fast enough to stop it from hitting anything


>It’s almost as if she lost her grip on it for a moment, as if that’s possible
>Pretty sure it’s not, but hey, “this place is weird,” right?

“You okay?”
>“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine! You, uh, you just startled me.”
“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t sound okay.”

>The proper word for her tone is “dismissive”
>Go join a spelling bee.

>“I’m as fine as I get when I’m stranded away from home and not getting what I need.”
“I was listening to your conversation with Jake. Do you seriously think they’re going to figure out how we got here, let alone how to-”
>The expression on her face freezes your voice in your throat
>It’s mostly blank, except for the eyes
>She’s begging you to stop
>She knows what you’re about to ask her
>She already knows the answer to the question, and she doesn’t want to hear the answer
>You’ll let her have hope, at least for now
“…then again, what do I know about theoretical spellcasting? Still, shouldn’t we try to make our time here something we can say we enjoyed?”
>She returns to her clumsy attempts to put the thingamajig into the whatsit in the computer
>“I’m never going to enjoy it here.”


“Are you going to TRY to enjoy it here?”
>“It’s not going to make any difference if I try. Having control of my magic taken away from me is… it isn’t right.”
“Are you going to let that ruin everything? Do you want to be miserable?”
>“I don’t want to be miserable, but that’s not stopping me from being miserable. It’s like nothing here is the way I want it to be.”
“So go upstairs right now and make something the way you want it to be.”
>“I’m not apologizing to him. This is his fault.”
“It doesn’t sound like he’ll apologize because he thinks this is your fault. One of you has to take the first step.”
>Twilight stops and lays the part on her desk
“Come on. You’re Celestia’s faithful student. Act like it.”

>That was sort of a low blow.
>She needs to be pushed in a new direction
>Judging by her sigh, she’s about to agree

>“If there’s anything humans seem to need, it’s friendship. I’m not sure if it’s truly possible to befriend a human.”
“You were getting along fine with Jon, and I’d say Jake is my friend.”
>She gets up onto her legs
>“I’m sort of sad to see the concept of impossibility go. There was a bit of comfort in it.”
>Her hooves clop softly across the cement floor as she heads for the stairs
>“Then again, I suppose statistical impossibility is statistically impossible.”

>What’s that supposed to mean?
>It’s impossible for the impossible to be impossible
>Therefore it’s possible for impossibility to be impossible, but impossibility is suppos-
>NEVERMIND.


>She’s already upstairs
>You follow to the top of the stairs so you can hear what they’re saying
>As you pass Jake’s room, you hear a weird buzzing coming from inside

>Sounds like a really big bug or something that’s stuck in Jake’s room. Let’s check it out quickly.
>Alright
>Might be a good idea to see if they get along while we’re not there to supervise
>We want this to work naturally, so being overbearing isn’t
>Hold on, it sounds like Jake is reminding Twilight that her head is at perfect punting height
>That’s not good.
>No, now Jon’s saying something and Twilight’s trying to calm them both down
>Problem solved itself. Let’s find this bug.
>…Not seeing any bugs in here. It sounds like it’s coming from that little box thing.
>That’s his phone
>Maybe it’s getting a call
>But phones are supposed to ring, not buzz.
>No, look on its screen
>It’s got little pictures of phones and numbers and letters
>And we’ve been waiting this whole time? Someone’s calling him and he’s busy! We need to pick this up before it stops buzzing!
>Too bad it just stopped
>Oh. That’s too bad. I was hoping we could do something helpful for him, too.


>Alright, let’s go see if anyone’s getting kicked in the head
>Wait, it’s buzzing again! Okay, let’s see… It says ‘Evan.’ Must be the guy calling him. Let’s poke that.
>I’m not sure we should do this
>I don’t think we even need to

>Okay, that did nothing. Let’s try… green phone picture! Poke.

>“Hello?”

>I am a natural with these things.

“H-Hello?”
>“Who is this? Did I call the wrong number?”
“Were you trying to call Jake?”
>“Yeah. Is he there?”
“He’s sort of busy right now…”
>“Could you tell him to call me back?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.”
>“Thanks.”
>Suddenly, the phone goes quiet
>Okay, now on to see how Twi and Jake are doing
>You put the phone back where you found it and
>And Twilight’s passing you in the hallway with an angry look on her face
>She doesn’t even look at you as you slip by her


>Yeah, no
>Not happening
>She’s going to make nice with the Addams whether or not she wants to right now
>You grab her by the tail as she passes you, making her yelp
>Her protests and struggles fall on deaf ears as you drag her back to the kitchen
>She doesn’t bother to use magic or kick at you, so she wants to go back
>It’s just that she doesn’t realize it
>Jake’s at the table eating a late breakfast
>He spots you out of the corner of his eye and chuckles before returning to his food
>It’s not quite as amusing for him when you plop Twilight down on the floor beside him
“The two of you ARE going to get along.”
>Twilight turns her nose up and looks away
>“He threatened me with physical violence. Jon can vouch for that.”
>“I didn’t threaten you. I just stated a fact to make you reconsider hauling me downstairs again. Besides, what do you have to fear from me with that thing sticking out of your head?”
>“Oh, it’s not you I’m afraid of. It’s all of you. Except for Spike here, I have no one.”
>“And you could still throw me through a wall by thinking about it.”
>“Do you really think I would do that?”
>“Is Whitey Bulger going on trial for fewer murders than Patch the Pirate committed?”


>Wait, who?
>Patch or White Bulge
>Patch.
>Most feared pirate of the last 300 years or so
>Not ringing a bell.
>Pipsqueak dressed up as him for Nightmare Night when Luna was back in Ponyville for the first time since she got back from the moon
>Oh yeah…
>Oh, Twilight’s looking sort of nervous right now. We should probably be paying attention to the conversation.

>“I… uhh… can we change the subject?”
>“No.”
>“I’m really not comfortable with this topic…”
>“Why not? Is it because you don’t like the idea that p0nies could do exactly the same things as us? Or maybe it’s because they already have? You say we're so SIMILAR all the time, so it only makes sense.”
>“T-they don’t do it as often...”
>“Do you think p0nies are better than humans?”

>Wow, Jake is really pressing her
>Should we stop him
>I'm not sure that we can.

>“I don’t know how to answer that question…”
>“If you were thinking about saying yes, let me tell you right now that you’re preaching to the choir.”
>“I don’t know what that means.”
>“It means that you’re wasting your time because we agree with you. If you’ve got statistics on your side, show me. I’m not going to argue against numbers. But when you’re a broken record about how human civilization ain’t so civil? Whoop de doo, what do you want the Addams to do about it?! Do you think we don’t know about these problems? Do you think we don’t want them fixed?”
“Jake, please!”


>Never would have counted on him being the one to ruin this
>I would’ve. It’d have to be one of them. Fifty-fifty and all that.
>Where is Jon right now
>Dunno. Probably in his office.
>“No. If she’s going to talk down to us, she needs to be above us first.”
>“I just-”
>“‘You just’ nothing! You don’t complain about us because you want us to improve! You focus on our flaws because you want to feel better about yourself! Why? What’s so wrong with you that you have to tear us down to make up for it?”
>Twilight shifts around uncomfortably
>“It’s kind of complicated…”

>We need to defuse the situation. I think she was already going in this direction, anyway.

“Tell him.”
>“W-well, I’m sort of kicking myself right now for being so mean and exploitative.”
>“It didn’t show.”

>He’s having none of it
>Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea
>No, just give it a second.

>“I… it wasn’t entirely Spike’s idea to have us do more together. It was more of a joint brainstorming between him and me.”
“She’s telling the truth.”
>“And the reason I wanted you to work on the computer while I was there was because I wanted to spend some time with you before I get to work on the Canterlot Computer each day.”
>“You picked the worst possible time.”
>“Sorry. I’m just sort of busy and I didn’t have time to rearrange my schedule for this. I’ll have it fixed by the weekend. Please, let me give friendship another chance.”


>Step one complete
>Step two: ‘have her figure out that humans in general aren’t so bad’ shouldn’t be so hard with what Jake told you about the general theme of the media list
“Now tell him the other thing.”
>“I’m not the best at making friends. I haven’t had much practice. Most of the friends I have are ones that came to me or were introduced by somep0ny else.”

>How much should we have her explain
>We should have her explain enough to be forgiven.
>How much is that
>The more, the better. Let’s play our ace card.

“And this is because…?”
>She gulps
>Here comes her big personal secret and long-time shame
>“I had a very sheltered, privileged childhood, and I’ve been self-schooled for most of my academic career. The only friend I had before I got my cutie mark was my big brother. I want to turn over a new leaf with you, but I’m too occupied with myself to do it right.”

>Jake seems to think this is the funniest thing he’s heard all morning
>Okay, his mood is improved. Now we see if they can stand eachothers’ company.

>“Oh wow. The wizard chose charisma for her dump stat? You are a piece of work.”


>“Umm... does that mean you're not mad at me?”
>“Nevermind, it’s an obscure reference. You know what? I’ll forgive you, but I’ve got some conditions before I come off of my strike.”
>“You can't call me ‘purplesmart.’”
>“That’s off the table. I just want to finish my breakfast and have you stop being such an unbearable misanthrope. You can start by telling me one thing you like about humanity.”
>Twilight was relieved for all of five seconds before Jake put her on the spot again
>She struggles to find the right words
>“I, uhh… humans are…”
>“You’re allowed to say you can’t think of anything.”
>“I’m just trying to find the right wording… umm… tenacious? I mean, having to work around unreliable magic is going to drive me up the wall,”

>That’s just her.

“Doesn’t help that your mark is for magic. I bet Rarity would just find it annoying.”
>She shoots you a glance that silently shouts “NOT NOW” before she continues
>“Sorry about that. Draconic brain structure does that sometimes. What I’m trying to say is that humans have found so many workarounds for not having magic. The simple fact that humans aren’t extinct due to their own actions or lack of magic is in defiance of everything I’d expect. I’ve had to question so many things that I thought were certainties during my time here.”


>“Due to our own actions? You really think we’d fight ourselves to extinction?”
>“P0nies have had two wars in the last millennium compared to… let’s see… there’s the French intervention in Mali, the Korean Peninsula standoff, the ongoing instability and bombings in Iraq… I’ve already exceeded the amount of wars Equestria has participated in and those aren’t even the ones making front-page news. Human history is magnitudes more warlike than anything I’d expect to be sustainable, let alone possible!”
>“We’re not heartless killing machines.”
>“I’m not implying humans are heartless; I’m wondering why humans keep going to war when they clearly realize what sort of impact it has.”
>“There are two famous quotes about the human attitude towards war that I think you should hear. I’m paraphrasing a bit, but they’re something like ‘the only ones who like the concept of war are the ones who never experience it,’ and ‘only dead men have seen the result of war.’”
>“But that doesn’t make sense. The television and radio news is-”

>Let’s intercept that train of thought.

“Twilight…?”
>She sighs
>“Humans probably have a good reason that I just haven’t heard yet and I need to have all the facts before I form an opinion.”
>“So, conversation over breakfast?”


>“I already ate.”
>“I didn’t, and you seem to like giving me an earful about how terrible humans are. So long as you don’t go totally misanthropic on me, I’m willing to listen. You’ve probably got an interesting perspective when I can actually stand to listen to you.”
“Are you two ready to play nice?”
>“If she is.”
>“I am if he is.”
>Seems sincere enough
“Good! I’m going to leave the two of you alone for a minute while I check what Jon’s thinking of doing with the Canterlot Computer today.”
>You start to duck into Jon’s office, then turn around for a second
“If anyone’s kicking anyone in the jaw when I come back out, I’m going to be very disappointed.”
>“I’d probably need to use my wings to get enough height to do that. You don’t have to worry about ME kicking anyone.”
>“I wasn’t serious about that!”
>You tug the doorknob string and pull the door shut behind you
>Jon is at his desk doing whatever

>He was probably here for the whole conversation
>Alright, serious question time. Why didn’t he back us up out there?

“What the heck, man?”
>“Did I do something?”
“No, you didn’t do something! Why did you let Jake shout her down like that?”


>“I agreed with him. I think her tendency to pick and choose facts to focus on is what soured our friendship.”
“Alright, but I still don't like how you just stood there and let it happen.”
>“I’m just speculating, though. She just stopped being talkative around me.”
“You mean she didn’t tell you why?
>“Do you know?”
“It was something to do with how you wanted to kill rabbits.”

>Which we can sympathize with, just a bit.

>“I’ve been trying not to mention that around her. I wonder how she heard that.”
“I dunno. Word gets around, I guess.”
>“I hope she can get over that. It’s not like those things are anything other than pests. Anyway, would you send this to Canterlot for me? I need some information about the conditions there before we start work today.”
>He hands you the whatever he was doing on his desk



Professor Root,

Twilight and I are still failing to find any design faults with the Canterlot Computer. It’s encouraging to
hear that Dr. Alryadhyat Alhwa and Ms. Ishirini Peté have come to similar conclusions now that they’re
up to speed as well, as it assures us that we’ve not designed something with a fatal flaw. This leads me
to the next line of investigation I’d like to pursue. Forgive me if this sounds like small talk, but how is the
weather?

Jon Addams

As for some actual small talk, Dr. Isfugel, ihr Name sieht sehr skandinavisch besonders den Beinamen
"Isfugel." Ich glaube das bedeutet "ice bird." Twilight ist immer zu erwähnen wie ähnlich unsere Welten
sind und das ist führte mich zu fragen ...Sprechen Sie Deutsch?


>Uhh... what?
>Are those words? What’s that little dotted thing over the vowels?
>Heck if I know

>Jon notices your confused expression
>“I thought his name looked like one from a language I know, so I asked him.”
“Ohhhh.”
>Well that kind of explains it even if you can’t understand any of it
>You *fwoosh* the letter and start backing toward the door


“I haven’t heard any scuffling or shouting outside. HOPEFULLY that’s a good thing.”
>“Amen.”
>No idea what that means, but whatever
>Peeking out of the office door, you can see no jaws being kicked or anything to suggest that jaws have been kicked while you were away
>In fact, it looks like a normal conversation where Twilight is giving Jake an earful as he eats
>She’s in the chair next to him

>And she’s talking about…herself?
>Who cares what they’re talking about
>No jaws kicked for a whole minute
>We must’ve done something right

>“…but the thing is that I’m so well studied that I’ve just gotten accustomed to being RIGHT all the time, you know? It’s a very addictive feeling, knowing I’m correct.”
>Jake gives a quick nod and an “mmph” of agreement through a mouthful of cereal
>“And in terms of social issues, I have so much to feel right about. No offense, but all this immoral and self-destructive behavior by humans is turning into a massive source of Equestrian pride and fodder for my already massive ego. I perfected a millennia-old spell and got made into a princess the week before I ended up here. Even though my princess-hood is more of an honorary title, I was feeling pretty good until I somehow ended up in a parallel universe when I was just trying to go home.”


>Jake swallows to reply
>“No group is without its faults, present company and myself included.”
>Sorta snappy, but not that bad
>Twi doesn't seem to mind
>“I’ll admit that there are a few bits of history that I’d prefer not to remember. The border scuffle that happened a century ago is a huge embarrassment for all involved, and the Mino-Griffonic War was... bloody, to say the least.”
>“What keeps you from having wars?”
>“We can’t let the windigo population grow. Windigoes are creatures that feed off of conflict and hatred, and create wintry conditions when they’re well fed. If war gets out of hoof, it could become too cold to live.”
>“So that law isn’t that silly after all.”
>“We’re both guilty of cognitive bias.”
>“The first step to fixing a problem is to recognize that there’s a problem. You and I recognize that we have a problem. Trust me when I say that humans know their collective problems well.”
>Not so snappy
>You duck back inside the office and flash a quick “okay” signal to Jon, who’s gone back to his desk to do a different whatever
>He returns the sign before you peek out again
>“Then why not fix them?”
>“It’s too much work. Things are good enough as they are right now.”


>“I don’t get it. There are still all these problems, and I know at least some humans can’t be satisfied with the state of the world!”
>“The people who want change don’t have enough influence to do much of anything, and the people that have enough influence to change things are too invested in the way things are to start rocking the boat.”
>“That’s kind of sad. Scary, too, considering that the boat’s got a radioactive hole under the waterline, and it’s buoyant thanks only to a bilge pump of self-preservation instincts running on a gas tank full of reasonability-grade oil.”
>“We’ll never nuke ourselves. We stared into that chasm decades ago and never forgotten that we decided not to jump in. Besides, that would be a terrible punchline.”
>“Punchline? I don’t follow.”
>“I love looking at the world through the perspective of dark humor. Justice systems used to perpetrate injustices, police which aren’t obliged to protect nor serve, and nationalism for countries that aren’t the least bit exceptional, just to name a few. You’d need a drill and dynamite to get through irony that thick.”
>“Ah, right. I wasn’t considering that. Dark comedy is really niche in Equestria.”
>“From what I can tell, there’s not too much material to work with. One pirate and two wars? That’s nothing!”
>He puts his spoon down and turns in his chair to face Twilight


>“Here? The jokes write themselves. Being a human means you could get born into a country where you’ve got no hope of education or life beyond subsistence. The moment you’re old enough to be taught how to use a gun, you could get drawn into a war you don’t understand against people with weapons you can’t hope to comprehend, let alone defend against. Those people might have been taking video of you, too. Not that you’d know what that is. And maybe they’d put that video on the internet. Not that you’d know what that is. That video could be viewed by millions of people you didn’t know existed, and a significant portion of them would take pride in the fact that their military spent more money killing someone than that person ever made in their life. Now THAT is a practical joke.”

>Sweet Celestia, step two is gonna be HARD
>No thanks to him.
>Give him credit, though
>At least he’s not hiding things from her to make her happy

>“I… that… you scare me.”
>“You’re not the first person to tell me that.”
>“Earth scares me.”
>“I couldn’t agree more. It’s horrifying, and that’s why I can’t help but laugh!”
>Jake goes back to chomping down his cereal
>Twilight’s expression suddenly becomes vacant, looking away from Jake to stare at nothing in particular


>You can barely make out what she whispers to herself as Jake swallows another mouthful of his breakfast
>“…giggle at the ghostly…”
>Jake noticed, but it seems like he didn’t hear it as clearly as you did
>He turns back and asks her “Did you say something?” through a mouthful of cereal, bringing her back to the moment
>“No, it’s nothing.”
>He swallows
>“I heard you say something. Something isn’t nothing.”
>“I just remembered something a friend of mine said. Sang, rather.”
>“Sang?”
>“There was this one time that she just sort of burst into song out of nowhere. It was vaguely appropriate for the situation, sure, but I still can’t believe she went from speaking normally to Manehattan Musical Theater in the middle of a conversation.”
>*BuuuuuRP*
>Your cover’s just been blown by the most essential service you provide
>Welp
>The non-royal scroll is addressed to Twilight, who’s leaning around the table to see where the sound came from
>Her eyes settle on you as you pick up the scroll and push through the door
“Letter for Twilight.”
>It floats out of your claw and over the table, unrolling as it goes
>Since there’s no point in leaving them alone if they know you’re watching, you head into the kitchen
>Twilight’s hovering the letter in front of herself with perfect control

>It probably is really annoying to have her ability to make things happen be unreliable, but she's making too big of a deal out of what's essentially a cramp.


>You can kind of see her face from your position behind the chairs, and it seems like the letter is interesting
>Jake’s trying to read the letter over her withers
>She moves to nudge him away, but then thinks better of it
>Something up there is good if she’s willing to share it
>You try hopping to get a glimpse of whatever it is that’s so important
>It doesn’t work very well
“Letmesee letmesee letmes-!”
>Sudden indigestion
>There’s another letter coming
>With a split second to spare, you tilt your chin up just enough to avoid burning anything or anyone or anyp0ny important
>*RüLps*
>Twilight looks at the new letter on the table, then to you
“Sorry about that.”
>“No harm done, but did that belch sound strange to you?”
“I guess? I was too busy paying attention to where it went to pay attention to how it sounded.”
>She lifts the second letter up next to the first and unrolls it
>“…It’s all bull to me. Here.”
>It floats down to you
>“I think it’s for Jon.”


Herr Addams,

Das ist nicht das was wir nennen es hier und Sie mit einem Dialekt ich nicht bin sehr daran gewöhnt,
aber ja! Es ist sehr überraschend dass du würdest meine Muttersprache sprechen, aber ich kann nicht
sagen ich bin erleichtert nicht mehr zu verwenden während im Gespräch mit Equestrian eine von einer
anderen Spezies. Wollen wir tauschen Briefe irgendwann?

Der nächste Brief enthält alle aktuellen und zukünftigen Wetterdaten.
Markus Isfugel


“Yeah, it’s got those little things over the vowels. He sent something like this to the griffons’ team lead with an Equestrian message asking about the weather.
>“Show this to Jon. It might say something about the weather plans and records I discussed with him.”
>The door’s still open, so you just saunter on in to find Jon doing yet another whatever
“Hey Jon, you got a reply from the griffon guy.”
>“What did he say?”
“I can’t read it.”
>You toss it up onto the desk
>He snatches it up eagerly, and whatever is in the letter brings a fresh smile to his face
>“Ha! Ich haben ein Brieffreund!”
“Did he say anything about the weather?”
>“They’ll have it in the next letter.”
“I’ll go let Twi know.”
>Back out of the office again, Twilight is reclining in her chair and Jake is still reading through the letter suspended in the air
>She’s staring at the side of his head, waiting for him to realize she’s only holding the letter up for him


>You briefly make eye contact with her
>Jake continues to stare at the letter, mostly at the bottom and top bits
>She raises her eyebrows and makes a “get a load of this guy” eyeroll before she speaks to him in a deceptively nice tone
>“Are you done reading my personal letter, which was addressed to me?”
>“Huh? Oh. Sorry, the thought didn’t cross my mind.”
>“Gee, you’re almost as bad as I am.”
>The letter levitates towards you
>You pluck it out of the air and read silently


Dear Twilight, AKA Purplesmart, AKA one of Pinkie’s VIP-exclusive best of the best friends,

Hi! Sorry I haven’t written in a while. Business has really picked up now that we’ve got the recipe of
those human candies down. Back to why I’m writing this letter, the M&M knockoffs we made are selling
like hotcakes. Even better than that, Bonnie and I are on a massive royal commission and headed for
Canterlot to help cater to the scientists! We’re gonna be SO RICH! Unfortunately, we’re also going to be
SO BUSY and I’m going to have to leave Ponyville for a while. I might be too busy to write to you, so this
is a little heads up for that. One last thing before I have to stop writing, though: what do you mean you
can’t believe I changed a conversation into a musical? I’ve done that way more than one time. You’ve
done it several times yourself. The way I remember it, you told us about your brother in song, and got
coronated in a big musical number that lasted all day!

Confusedly yours,
Pinkie Pie

P.S. Spike, those Reese’s things were great! Do you know if humans have combined PB and chocolate in any other ways?

P.P.S. O-nay idden-hay essage-may in this letter except for that one. Dashie should be the next one to
start sending you those if I remember the plan correctly.


>Right about now, I’m wishing we’d taken the time to learn Pig-Latum.
>Well, we know Dash is going to be sending Twilight something in a letter, so now we can look for it
>If she lets us look at the letters. She seems a little annoyed that Jake did.

>With that thought, you decide to roll up the scroll again and lean against the stove so you can stay and watch the conversation
>“Well, since you did read MY letter, we might as well use this as a jumping-off point for a bit of talking about us.”
>And she just turned a negative into a positive

>Good work, Twi
>Sort of a quick turnaround from trying to be miserable to forgiving humans of everything, don’t you think?
>She wanted to do this
>I bet it was all a show she was putting on

>“Us, as in ‘you and me’ us, or do you mean us as individuals?”
“Individually. You’re probably wondering who that letter was from and whether or not I actually got coroneted in a musical.”
>“What I’m wondering about first is why Pinkie called you purplesmart.”
>“I have no clue. Just don’t call me that. She called me that for the first time just a few minutes before I teleported, and it’s part of the reason I resorted to teleportation in the first place. I would have just walked if she hadn’t started trying to explain some gibberish about the number four when I was running behind schedule.”


>“Oh. I didn’t realize it would be such a sore spot.”
>“I’m not sure how you could have known, but please, just don’t call me that. It reminds me too much of that day I swapped universes and nearly killed myself in the process.”
“So, you got princessed in a musical?”
>“Nope, that’s just Pinkie being Pinkie. I pity her psychiatrist.”

>They’re sort of going off topic here
>Let ‘em. They’re getting along and that’s what counts.

>“Why’s that?”
>“Oh, don’t even get me started! I’m half-sure she’s schizophrenic. She acts like she remembers things that didn’t happen, and that’s not the weirdest thing about her; I’m entirely sure she has ESP. That reminds me, are there any accounts of humans with extrasensory abilities, or telepathy, or anything like that?”
>“Only hoaxes and urban legends. Your friend's ESP doesn’t seem all that odd when we’re talking about a world of mythological creatures and magic.”
>“I can see why you’d be confused, but the thing is that she seems to have perception beyond three dimensions and no real explanation for WHY she has that. Even saying it’s somehow magical is a stretch, because there's no way to just KNOW things without sensing them somehow. She has no logical way of knowing that I mentioned how she turned a conversation into a song and dance routine, for example, but there it is.”


>“How does it work?”
>“Usually she just interprets her body’s twitches, but sometimes it seems like she’s able to just KNOW things. I think she can also teleport, even though that’s supposed to be impossible for everyone except the very small subset of unicorns and qilin who can cast the spell properly.”
>“Unicorns and what?”

>You ever notice that Jake seems REALLY interested in Equestria? Like, more than anyone else? What’s up with that?
>I don’t know, and we can’t ask now
>Let’s just stay and supervise
>There are things that smell fishier than a griffon’s kitchen going on here. I know it.

>“Qilin. They’re slim, scaly, cloven-hooved quadrupedal lizards with horns and some hair. Does that ring a bell?”

>I don’t remember hearing about them

>“Not really.”
>Neither does Jake
>“Physically similar to Eastern Serpentine Dragons, but about five feet tall and seven feet from nose to tail?”
>“Still no.”
>“Sometimes known as ‘eastern unicorns?’”
>“Oh, you mean Kirin! Yeah, those are an Asian myth.”
>“And here I was, hoping I’d found something that WASN’T a similarity.”
>“Sorry to disappoint.”


>“Not your fault that human storytellers somehow came up with what I’m guessing is an exact replica of a real creature. They even call themselves kirin, sometimes. Enough about that, though. Pinkie… she’s weird, but she’s the kind of weird you can’t help but love. Throws parties like you wouldn’t believe, too.”
>“What does she do for a living?”
>“She’s a baker. I actually had some of her food with me when I arrived. Now, how about you? What are your friends like?”
“Weren’t you going to talk about yourselves?”
>Twilight turns around in her chair to speak to you
>“The last few years have taught me that friendships are an extension of oneself, in a way. ‘Friendship is Magic,’ after all.”
“True.”
>She turns around again and repeats her question
>“So, who are your friends?”
>“If I’m going to start with my best friend, I’d say Evan. I’ve known him since middle school, which is something like ten years now. Fantastic guy, great to talk to, but he’s a self-admitted idiot and klutz. He’ll put his money in his pocket when he’s got his wallet on him, then asks why his wallet is empty when he goes to pay for something. He drops his phone so often that he has to get a new one every half year or so. He’s lucky his parents are in good jobs and can afford that sort of thing.”
>“What do you talk about with him?”


>“This and that. Current events and philosophy and stuff. He’s into conspiracy theories more than I am, but he doesn’t take any of them seriously. He’s also into comic books and video games, though video games are more my thing and comics are more his thing. He’s also got this really weird sense of humor.”
>“How is it weird?”
>“Well, he’s kept this in-joke going for three or four years now about…”
>Jake leans in to whisper something to Twilight
>She leans away abruptly, everything about her suggesting that she just heard something disturbing and confusing
>“A video game about time traveling what?”
>“Do you really want me to repeat that in front of Spike?”
>“No. Definitely not.”

>I think that’s our cue to go.
>Alright, seems like they might actually have a chance to get along now

>You lean back onto your feet and start walking towards the living room
“You two play nice. The weather reports are going to be coming in a little while. I’m going to go fight Mister Patch while we wait.”
>Twilight spins around towards you again
>“Hold on a sec… is this ‘Mister Patch’ a pirate?”
>She’s looking for a similarity, or more likely a reason to stop you from playing
>You face back into the kitchen to speak to her
“No, he’s a parade balloon with a bunch of patches.”


>“Oh. Well, why are you fighting him?”
“Well, he’s supposed to be part of a circus attraction or something, but the moment he got inflated he was all like ‘grr I’m a big monster so I get to be a jerk’ so now I’ve got to take his patches off and deflate him.”
>She turns around again
>“Jake?”
>You couldn’t see it, but he was taking this opportunity to get a bit more cereal while the conversation was in a lull
>He gives another “mmph”
>“I just want to be sure he’s not doing things that give him the wrong idea when I’m not watching him.”
“I’ll let you know if that happens.”
>She turns back to you one last time
>“I’m more concerned that you wouldn’t know when it’s happening.”
>Finished with you, she goes back to what you had to drag her into doing just a moment ago, and you turn to leave 

>No, wait, we should tell Jake to call Evan first.
>I’m telling you that we don’t need to
>The phone will tell him Evan called
>Okay, I hope you’re right.



#IRCAddamsLocal
Server time 5/15/2013, 17:46
Welcome message: If you’re seeing this, you must have our WEP key or be plugged into the LAN. If you don’t live here, shoo! You saw nothing!


17:46:34@JakeLaptop: How do you like your computer? I assume you’re pleased with it, since you’ve been using it nonstop since you gave up on finding the problem with the Canterlot Computer today.
17:46:40@Basement: 3 GB RAM and a 2.4 GHz processor is sort of low-end from what I can gather. It’s more reliable than the Canterlot Computer and is exponentially more powerful, so that’s something. Thanks for getting it done right after breakfast this morning. I ought to apologize formally for being such a rotten egg over the last few weeks, especially when I was prodding you to get this computer ready. I cannot emphasize enough how much I’ve been looking forward to using the internet since I first learned of its potential, so I got a little bit impatient. You do forgive me, right?
17:46:41@JakeLaptop: The hardware is a bit spartan, but I took the liberty of installing some programs on it. Antivirus, this chat program, and a few other things you might need.
17:46:41@Basement: Please tell me ‘spartan’ doesn’t mean what I think it means.
17:46:50@JakeLaptop: Wow. Did you have all that prepared?
17:46:51@Basement: No. I typed it just now.
17:46:53@JakeLaptop: I mean
17:46:59@JakeLaptop: How are you even that fast?


17:47:00@Basement: One hint. “Look ma, no hooves!”
17:47:07@JakeLaptop: I doubt you’re using the hunt and peck method to poke at the keyboard, but you’re probably using your horn.
17:47:09@Basement: Ponies neither hunt nor peck. We don’t need to hunt for food, and we don’t have beaks to peck with.
17:47:15@JakeLaptop: You’re technically 1/3 pegasus, and pegasi have bird wings…
17:47:19@Basement: I still consider myself to be 100% unicorn, but no. I am not a bird. No pony is a bird. Not even pegasi are genetically avian. In all seriousness, though, I’m typing at the speed of thought!
17:47:25@JakeLaptop: Sounds awesome.
17:47:28@Basement: You have no idea! Telekinetic typing is such a rush for me. Keyboards might be designed for hands, but I think that's a limiting factor for human users. All I need to do is see the keyboard, think which key I want pressure on, and it happens!
17:47:34@JakeLaptop: Is that how magic works?
17:47:39@Basement: Sort of. I’m controlling the flow of magic out of my horn in very precise ways to keep the spell going while thinking of exactly what I want to happen. A trained eye can actually tell what spell is being cast without seeing its effects. There are limits, of course. I need the right combination of mental image and magic control, and I can’t overextend myself.


17:47:46@JakeLaptop: It’s what you want, when you want it.
17:47:49@Basement: Exactly. “Will plus skill,” as they said in magic kindergarten. On top of that, I’m in the lucky percentage of a percentage that can learn and cast almost any spell. I try to be humble about it.
17:47:52@JakeLaptop: Is this why you were upset at me?
17:47:52@JonDesktop: As interesting as this is, you were supposed to tell her about the internet curfew.
17:48:00@JakeLaptop: Oh, right. We turn the modem off at midnight. We have to do something to make sure you sleep at night.
17:48:05@Basement: Understandable.
17:48:09@JakeLaptop: Sorry to be the one to bring you down from this high. You seemed happy, for once.
17:48:15@JakeLaptop: By the way, google “faith in humanity restored.”
18:06:07@Basement: I take it back. Humans have everything except magic. At least some of them do, given the anecdotal nature of what I’m seeing.
18:06:11@Basement: I’m going to give humans a collective third chance. I’ll try to be objective this time, so please, I’m begging you: don’t mess this up.



Part 2
>Saturday, May 18, 1:06pm
>Year 22 and ‘going to head out and drive friends to Drew’s thing’ on Earth
>You are Jake Addams
>You’ve gone full whitehat
>Okay, 1/4 whitehat because you have about that much confidence that you got everything perfectly right
>And it does need to be perfect
>The run-up to Equestria Girls is getting media attention
>It may not be a blockbuster, but it’s there, and the timing couldn’t be much worse
>You’ve convinced Twilight to start getting her news through the ‘net so she won’t see commercials or reports about how she went to the human world and fell in love with Brad
>Fandom consensus is that the guy with blue hair is named ‘Brad’ until further notice
>Anyway, keyloggers and remote access
>That’s exciting, right?
>It took the better part of a day to get it all working as intended
>In the meantime, you were relying on Jon to keep her busy
>You also warned her off from the seedy side of the internet with a simple user guide and a list of shock sites, timesink sites, and others that she said she’d want to avoid
>Rules #1 and #2 of the internet (“Don’t talk about 4chan,” and “DON’T TALK ABOUT 4CHAN,” respectively) are in effect
>The last thing you want her to see is the /mlp/ Anonymous who’s doing live requests for rule #34 of Twilight as she appears in Equestria Girls
>None of that work could matter because she might have already discovered MLP:FiM


>Saying “friendship is magic” might have been a hint that she’s heard that phrase somewhere, and she might have referenced the ‘Scootaloo = Chicken’ meme that won’t die
>Worse than that, she might have referenced the “>no hooves, 0/10 would not fuck” meme and seen the raunchier side of the fandom
>If so, she’s taking it a lot better than you’d expect
>Unless she explicitly says she knows, you’re keeping her in the dark and pretending NOTHING HAPPENED
>Your desktop is running as a chat server and a proxy for Twilight’s internet connection
>When she wants to see something, she still has to go through you
>If you don’t want a page or an element of a page to load, it won’t
>Most of it’s running on automatic algorithms that will remove things like avatars and images, and it causes false ‘connection reset’ and ‘DNS failure’ errors if strings of text that pertain to the show are found, but ultimate control goes to you
>Plausible deniability is the name of the game
>Give her as many things to blame that aren’t you as you can
>And it seems like she’s flipped her bitch switch to the off position
>Fucking finally
>This might make her less likely to suspect you if you’re actually preventing her from learning of MLP in the first place


>You would have snapped and called her a bitch if she hadn’t apologized
>Even if Spike was in the room and she would have gone on a magic-fueled rampage because of it
>Someone had to get her to stop looking down her nose at humans
>Figuratively speaking
>That expression doesn’t really work on her because her eye sockets are behind most of her nasal cavity
>It's too bad that show doesn't go into more depth about the characters’ childhoods
>That would have been useful
>You could have only guessed at how her upbringing would have made her who she is
>Canterlot’s portrayed as being upscale and luxurious, but the fact that she lived there is barely mentioned anymore
>The fact that she’s also under Celestia’s tutelage also isn’t emphasized very much
>Being the star student of a national leader and sun-goddess must have its perks
>What she wants, when she wants it being one of those perks
>She told you she tries not to exploit it, but getting a simple request denied for no good reason is one of her major peeves because of it
>So this was all your fault
>According to her
>She’s not changing her mind on that one because you already admitted guilt, but she’s trying to forgive you
>It’s a start
>Now you just have to get her to watch the movies, listen to the music, and read the books so she’ll forgive everyone
>Right now she’s too busy trying to figure out what’s wrong with the Canterlot Computer to do that


>She’s reading the books in her spare time, but goddamn does she nag about Harry Potter being an inaccurate portrayal of magic
>Yes, it’s readily apparent that unicorns don’t have to wave their horn around and say “wingardium leviosa” 
>Yes, forcing someone to live under the stairs is domestic abuse
>Yes, cave trolls are fictional
>Yes, cave trolls are real in Equestria
>No, Twilight has never seen one in person
>Yes, this means the MLP comics probably aren’t a reliable source of things to avoid mentioning
>No, the show isn’t reliable either because apparently none of the musical numbers happened, and who knows what did happen
>Yes, this makes it a bit easier for you to believe Twilight Sparkle and Spike are real
>Yes, you know pig Latin
>No, you don’t know what Pinkie meant by “no hidden message”
>Yes, this probably means something’s happening in Equestria that makes hiding messages something that needs to be done
>No, you have no idea what’s happening
>No, you didn’t voice that concern
>Yes, Twilight’s not bringing it up either
>Yes, that probably means she wants to deal with it by herself
>No, humans wouldn’t be related to cave trolls if they were real here
>No, there’s no way to know if the vanara biologists are going to want a tissue sample
>No, vanara aren’t part of western mythology
>Yes, it’s probably something she should have thought of earlier
>No, there’s no way to tell if that's going to start a riot
>No, don’t panic
>No, Twilight, please don’t panic


>You did some digging, and apparently vanara and xiezhi are part of Asian mythology
>Xiezhi are lizard-dog things from Chinese mythology which are obsessed with justice, but that’s rather plain compared to vanara
>Vanara are little monkey things from Indian mythology that are capable of shapeshifting to a certain extent
>Their Equestrian version is kind of a mix between Mr. Fantastic from Marvel comics or Dhsalim from Street Fighter and a chameleon
>They’re less capable than their mythical counterparts, which is good because one myth says they can be as large as a mountain if they want to
>Monkey-mountains sound terrifying, and having another Changeling-like race would be pretty confusing
>Twilight did mention Changelings when she was telling you about vanara, fortunately
>Headcanons be damned, you just want to have less opportunities to slip up and talk about something she thinks you wouldn’t know about
>The internet is enough of a risk, but making her happy means giving her what she wants, when she wants it
>A cobbling of spare parts, some drilling to get a CAT5 cable from the router into the basement, and about $150 add up to one satisfied, out of your hair for the next few months alicorn princess
>No word yet from the big two about whether they’re still mad at you for asking how they know they’re cartoon characters


>They were a lot angrier than you would’ve expected for a reply to such an innocent, offhand question
>Even if it was really loaded
>It’s going to be hard to believe them if they accept your apology without explaining why they were so upset
>Was it the “Dear Princess” bit?
>They made a point of saying they don’t want letters addressed to them like that
>That was more force of habit on your part
>If they know about the cartoon somehow, they might know about the friendship reports being at the end of most of season 1’s episodes
>Of course, there’s no way to know until they get a reply to you somehow
>You’ve been trying to get Twilight to bring more books from Equestria
>She hasn’t fallen for it yet
>Speculation is pointless
>For now, work with what’s known
>You know you promised to get going so you could pick Evan up for Drew’s pre-carnival party around now
>And going you shall get
>You shut your laptop to rid yourself of the Bradness that’s overtaken the pony fandom in the last few days and roll off your bed to get your everyday carry items
>Wristwatch, cheapo Swiss Army knife knockoff, wallet, headphones with in-line microphone and phone controls, cellphone and belt holster, a lighter (even though you don’t smoke), and a ‘take 15 minutes before exercising’ anti-asthma aerosol (because your cardio is so bad that it’s almost like you smoked)
>Except for that last item, it feels like an action movie’s “suit up” montage every time


>Oh, and the gift card
>Not forgetting that twice
>Spike, as usual, is on the couch playing the Nintendo
>There’s plenty of time to spare, so you check in on him quickly
>You come up behind the couch and watch for a couple of seconds to get an idea of where he is
>Banjo’s running around a small harbor town, then he jumps into a big pipe that’s coming out of the wall
>‘Jolly Roger Bay,’ then
>After he hops inside, the area’s title appears onscreen
>“Grunty Industries? Is that a level I can’t get to yet, or something?”
“You hit the nail on the head, thigh-high.”
>He leans over backwards, presenting you with his inverted face
>“So when do I get to this one?”
“It’s a couple of levels after Jolly Roger Bay. Did you do the thing that makes it so you don’t use your oxygen meter while you’re underwater?”
>“Yeah, I’m just checking around the surface again. I’ve got to say I’m glad Twilight doesn’t watch me play this. Getting to play as the skull shaman guy is pretty cool, but they get so much wrong about how magic works it’d probably send Twi into a five-hour rant.”
“Tell me about it. She’s picking out all the stuff in Harry Potter that’s off, too.”
>He cringes a little when you say “Harry Potter”
>“Ooh… yeah, about that.”
“Something wrong?”
>He pauses the game and turns around so he can look less ridiculous


>“I think that book really offended her.”
“Isn’t she-”
>“No, no, I don’t just mean about the magic being wrong. She said something about how there’s a part where they talk about unicorns being killed for their horns so the bad guy can make himself live forever.”
“Oh.”
>“Yeah, she said she’s not going to read any more.”
“Well, I hope the next book she reads is more to her liking.”
>“She said she’s gonna go back to shaking spears.”
“Alright, good to know. Did she say which play she’s going to read?”
>“I think she said ‘Caesar’ was next.”
>Seriously?
>The one thing you put the list together for, and she’s ignoring it
“Oh for- when is she going to get to ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ already?”
>“I know the plan is to get her to see that humans are all lovey-dovey at heart, but she’s more interested in getting a primer for the movies and stuff. I think she said she read on the internet that the one about Rome has a character from the ‘Caesar’ play in it.”
>That would explain why she was looking up stuff about Rome when she’s up to a totally different part of ‘Traditions and Encounters’ in her history studies
>It doesn’t explain why she was looking up star charts, though
“At least she’s serious about watching the movies with me. Anyway, I’ve got to go pick up one of my friends and I need to apologize to Twilight before I leave.”
>“I’m not sure this is such a good time. She got some pretty bad news today.”
“What was it?”
>“She wanted you to see for yourself. Good luck, zom-butt.”


>Well fuck
>Hopefully she’s not mad about something
>Into the kitchen to make one last stop before you go
>Eliza’s out AGAIN because she’s doing administrative stuff at the weekly farmer’s market, no surprise there
>The door to Jon’s office is closed
>You can hear Twilight and Jon talking inside
>There are several papers taped to the door, one on top of the other 
>It seems like they were left for you
>You’ve got time to make an apology and read these, so you oblige
>The first one has some Chinese calligraphy on it


Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville,

It is with deep sorrow that I must inform you of our lack of solutions to your problem. You deserve to
come home to great celebrations of your studies. The world will be a better place for your efforts. I do
not intend to remove all hope. Princess Celestia of Canterlot tells us that we may pursue all methods
which could be used to return you to Equestria. She said unorthodox methods may be used if necessary.
The tone in which she said “unorthodox” gave me much discomfort.


Representative Xiezhi Ma Yu Zhe of Orange Beaches Province
奧蘭治海灘省獬豸代表馬語者
獬豸麒麟集體正義與普遍繁榮


>…Welp, looks like she’s here for the long run
>As soon as you finish thinking “fuck my life,” you realize that you urgently need to get into contact with Celestia
>You can’t keep an entire fandom and brand name under wraps forever
>Right now, you have more urgent things to take care of, like picking up Evan
>The next couple of papers don’t have much on them


Twiley,

Our private messenger just brought the news. I’m so, so sorry. I’m going to Canterlot to be with mom
and dad. I haven’t heard from them yet, but I can only guess how they feel. Cadence can’t come with
because of her royal duties. She’s putting a good act of keeping it together when I’m around, but I think
it’s only an act. Her voice cracks a little whenever I ask how she’s doing. Consider this a letter from both
of us.


Stay strong.
Shining Armor


>That was a personal letter
>Twilight must be really broken up about getting stranded if she’s willing to display that
>That leaves the last letter
>You can’t make out much of it except “To our dearest daughter” because it’s so smudged and tear-stained
>It looks like it might say “the last few years have been eventful” and “you went out with a bang”
>The only legible parts of the signature are “we’ll always love you, no matter where life takes you” and the word “Velvet”
>Another personal letter
>That one was probably from her parents
>None of them expect her to come back
>You fold the letters up and put them on the kitchen table


>Spike may be right
>It might not actually be a good time to apologize to her
>You’re about to leave when the office door slowly swings open
>Nobody is talking inside, and nobody’s there to have opened the door
>Jon leans over his desk and into view
>“Well, how about that. He is there.”
>Twilight struts up to the doorway, looking back at Jon and speaking with a hint of pride in her voice
>“Told you I could see him.”
>Then she turns to you so she can
>JESUS FUCK HER EYES ARE GLOWING
>IT’S GONNA BLOW
>“I saw you reading those letters I left for you. We… well, we’re stuck.”
>She doesn’t seem to notice that you’re not very comfortable with how she’s SPEWING MAGIC FROM HER EYES
>Maybe this is normal
>Maybe
>“I’m not sure if we’ll ever get back. I mean, there might be a chance, but it’s a longshot and the result would probably be worse than staying here.”
>Does she not realize that she’s overcharged with magic?
>Jon’s not doing anything about it
>Alright, roll with it and don't make any sudden movements


“Uh… just out of curiosity, what would that longshot be?”
>“The dark style of magic is much more efficient than conventional magic, but it’s illegal for very good reasons. Dark magic can change its user on a mental and emotional level, and without exception it changes them for the worse. Used extremely sparingly, the results are temporary and negligible. The amount that would be required for a trip between universes would instantly make the caster or casters incoherent and mindlessly aggressive. I’m worried that’s what Celestia was implying.”
“Do you think she’d do it?”
>“Oh heavens, no! She wouldn’t. We value her too much to let her sacrifice herself like that. Besides, I don’t think she’d want to do that just for my sake!”
“You make it sound like it would kill her.”
>“It would. That’s exactly why I told her I’d stay here unless she finds others who would volunteer. Chances are that nop0ny would want to throw their life away like that, so… yeah. I’m not counting on going home anymore.”
>Her absolute calm while talking about Celestia offing herself, coupled with those glowing eyes, is creepy as all fuck
>Even if she’s not about to explode with magic
>How has she not noticed your reaction to all this?


“So it would drain all of her magic and kill her, even though it’s more efficient?”
>“No, she’d live. She’s got more magic than thousands of average unicorns combined. Heck, I might be able to take Spike, myself, and a decent amount of equipment and texts from Earth to Equestria using dark magic and survive if I get my calculations right.”
“I don’t understand. You just said it would kill her.”
>“From a biological standpoint, she’d be perfectly healthy. On a mental level, though, she’d be totally dead. Worse than dead, even, because her body would be a living reminder of what’s lost.”
“What, like a vegetative state?”
>“No, she’d be conscious.”
>This doesn’t make any sense
>Living and dead, there and not
>This conversation could irradiate a cat half of the time
>Fortunately, Jon chimes in for you
>“You’re leaving out an important piece of information.”
>“Oh, right! The human concept of sentience and life is different. Sorry, I’m a little distracted right now.”
“So what’s different about it?”
>This sends her into lecture mode and instantly removes most of the worried tremor from her voice
>“Sentience is a threshold where members of species are, on average, conscious of themself and others to the point that they form a stable, independent civilization which interacts peacefully with other intelligent species.”
“So do humans qualify as sentient?”


>She bites her lip and probably looks to the side
>You can’t be sure because of freaky glowing eyes
>“Humans are sort of a, um…”
>She pauses for a few seconds to find an appropriate word
>“…exceptional case because there aren’t any other intelligent species here. Homo sapiens sapiens did come to the top of the evolutionary pile by eliminating all of its Stone Age competitors, though, so… maybe, sort of, not really, but kind of yes? There’s not exactly a spot on the flowchart for a ‘last species standing makes contact with a new species, but doesn’t kill them’ scenario.”
“Are there any comparable species on your planet?”
>“I’d say diamond dogs. They usually form competing clans and small societies, but peaceful interaction is all but impossible between… no, that’s not a fair comparison. Humans are closer to vanara. There are several dozen sultanates, but where they are and how many there are depends on who’s married to whom, which towns are prospering, and all sorts of other drama. Actually, that’s not a good comparison, either, because they’ll unify when they need to. Maybe the buffalo tribes… no, those are nomadic. That rules out some of the zebras, too…”
>She’s not even looking at you by now, seemingly lost in thought behind her eyelights’ sparkle


>You’re about to check your watch when Jon intervenes again
>“Twilight.”
>“Hmm? 
>“You’re rambling.”
>“Oh. The short answer is ‘no.’ As for the concept of life, life is synonymous with the mind. A body can live without a mind, but it’s not truly alive. Likewise, a mind needs a body to inhabit. I’m essentially suffering a biological death every time I teleport, but I’ve never completely died.”
>Twilight has the whole creepy schtick down pat right now and she doesn’t even realize it holy shit
“Wait, you killed yourself to get here?”
>“Only biologically, and only for an instant. Bodies aren’t exactly intended to work when all of their molecules are traveling in a single file line at light-years per second. I’m made of the same material as I was and I have the same mind as I used to, so it’s not like I’m not myself. There was just a teeny-tiny moment when I wasn’t.”
“Uhh… wasn’t what?”
>“I wasn’t. I was nonexistent for a fraction of a second.”
>Twilight's fucking with you
>She must be
“…okay, I guess I understand, but what does all this mean in terms of dark magic?”


>“Mentally, a frequent and/or intense user of dark magic would degrade so much that their personality would be replaced with basic desires and instincts, and their body would grow slightly along with a noticeable darkening of their skin and hair. They would cease to be a person and just be a beast, almost like an Earth animal. No thought, no reason, little to no communication, totally incapable of understanding abstract concepts… functionally, that’s death.”
>So if they can’t think, they’re not alive
“That sort of makes sense…”
>“A famous example of what happens to dark magic users would be King Sombra of the Crystal Empire. I’ll see if I can get a history book that has more detail, but the gist of it is that he was a unicorn who used to be a prince and local governor not long after the foundation of Equestria. He took issue with Celestia and Luna’s rule and declared himself the king of a sovereign empire. They would have been okay with that, but he took it too far.”
“What did he do?”


>“At first it looked like he was just following the example of what’s now the Coltalan Semi-Autonomous Zone, but then he banished all except earth ponies from his ‘empire’ and used dark magic to transform his subjects into living crystalline versions of their former selves. Nop0ny is sure exactly why he did this, but it got Celestia and Luna to intervene. At this point he was so deranged from dark magic use that he made a long speech about 'making a statement' and cast one final spell that made himself and the entire empire disappear. They reappeared last year, and Sombra was… less than cogent, let’s say.”
“So dark magic makes people crazy, and if they’re crazy they’re not people.”
>Screw Loose the dog-pony’s backstory just got a lot darker
>No, bad mind!
>No more headcanons, just care about what you need to know!
>“Not exactly. Sufferers of insanity-related conditions can recover. The only ‘cure’ for chronic dark magic use is death, but fortunately most dark magic users lose the mental capacity for continued magic use and can’t use more magic to harm others. They usually wander off from society. They get a premature funeral, and then a proper burial if they’re found after whatever combination of exposure, starvation, and wildlife does their body in.”
>It looks like there’s sort of a silhouette of something in her eyes


>“Sorry for the grim subject matter, but there’s not really any way to talk about dark magic that isn’t horribly uncomfortable. Teleportation is kind of a weird area of philosophy as well, but, uh… it’s sort of the go-to illustration for the Equestrian concept of life.”
“It doesn’t help that you’re doing this while you’re so charged with magic that it’s literally pouring out of your eye sockets.”
>“Huh? Oh! Oh, sorry, I forgot I left the enchantment in! I didn’t scare you, did I? I can’t really judge humans’ facial expressions like this. It’s like you’re made of a totally non-reflective material. All I can make out is your shape.”
“You actually did scare me a bit.”
>“This is just the visible magical particles spell. I figure if I see humans like this more often I might get over the fact that they look so, uh… strange. Just some good old-fashioned exposure therapy!”
“That’s what’s happening with your eyes?”
>“Yeah. I showed it to you back when I did a lecture on the fundamental energies, remember?”
>Okay, but there’s one problem with that explanation
“Spike said it looked different that time.”
>“That’s probably because I was looking at three humans simultaneously.”
>Oh right, duh
>That explanation holds water and is a lot more appealing than an impending magi-splosion
“So that shadowy figure in your eyes is me?”
>“Yup. The spell is more of an overlay than an actual in-eye projection. There’s usually not enough contrast for an outside viewer to be able to tell what I’m looking at. Usually.”


>You can’t help but notice that your shadow is getting slightly brighter
“It looks like you’re losing contrast.”
>“It does that sometimes. I’m sorry if it made this conversation weirder than it needed to be. I’m just a bit preoccupied right now. I’m not entirely ‘here’ so to speak.”
“Would you please make your eyes stop glowing?”
>“The stored magic in this enchantment should run out soon. Just give it a minute.”
>If it’s harmless, you might as well
“Alright. It still looks really weird, though. Look… uh, Spike told me that you’re not going to read any more Harry Potter. Sorry about that. I forgot that part was in the book.”
>She gives a dismissive hoof-wave, but she sounds nervous again
>“It’s fine. I’m not sure what I was expecting, reading a book about magic from an author who has no experience with magic.”
>It wouldn’t hurt to check if she’s feeling at all like her family does about how she’s stuck
“Are you okay? You sound upset.”
>“I-I’m fine.”
>That’s a lie if you ever heard one
>Jon leans back into view and mouths “She’s not.”
“I mean, you just got letters from the rescue team and your family about how they don’t expect to see you again…”
>“No. I’m fine. Everything is just fine.”
>The spell is starting to fade off of her eyes
>She’s very obviously on the verge of tears
>It’s too easy to forget that she’s not a cartoon character anymore
>Here she is with all this power, but under it all she’s just a sad, scared girl


>Jon nods towards the door
“I, uh… I have an appointment I need to keep. I have to go.”
>All things considered, Twilight’s keeping a remarkably straight face
>“Yeah… don’t want to be late…”
>Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to check
>You’re in the awkward position of having to stay and comfort her if she starts crying and be late for the time you set with Evan, or getting there on time and making Twilight even more miserable by looking like an indifferent prick
>Jon sees his opening and makes the choice for you
>“Twilight, what do you say we call off the troubleshooting for today? We can do the math for humidity-related corrosion on the other half of the components tomorrow.”
>“I… I have something I wanted to do downstairs, anyway. Let’s stop for today.”
>You give her plenty of space as she slowly trudges past you
>She’s quietly talking to herself, muttering about not making progress
>Once she’s gone, you and your father share a tense moment of silence
“She’s not doing so well.”
>“Neither are we if she has to stay here permanently. You should get going. We’ll deal with this later.”
“Are you sure? I mean, she’s really upset.”
>“I don’t see a reason for her to do anything drastic.”
“If you say so.”
>Turning for the door, you hear Jon speak one last time before you leave
>“There’s supposed to be a drizzle tonight.”
“Thank you.”
>You grab your raincoat and head for your car
>Once you’re in the driver’s seat, you take a few seconds to clear your head


>Breathe in
>Breathe out
>Act like nothing happened
>Just forget it all for the next few hours
>Keep your home life and outdoor life totally separate
>Then you turn the key in the ignition and drive
>Evan’s the kind of guy who lives in a neighborhood of McMansions, but his family only has a two story home
>Not exactly rich, but not exactly middle-class
>He’s got parents in well-paid jobs that can always provide, but he’s actually got a better work ethic than you do
>One of the jokes between you and him is that he’s part of the Jewish conspiracy
>Which makes sense, because, well, he’s a full-blooded, Mitzvah’d (but secular) Jew and he loves conspiracy theories
>Not in-your-face orthodox Jewish or massive-nosed caricature Jewish
>Just the “Oh, he’s Jewish? I guess that makes sense. Moving on…” sort of Jewish
>Personally, he’s very detail oriented
>Whether it’s the backstory of the only Imperial Officer in Star Wars who’s wearing a white uniform or what color Stalin painted his toenails on the day after the thirtieth anniversary of the October Revolution, he knows it
>Booksmart as he is about Star Wars and Soviet history, he’s a magnificent dumbass sometimes


>Such as right now, when you’re picking him up at his front door
>He’s squatting down to baby-talk to his family’s new puppy, which pulls up the ankles of his pants just enough for you to tell he’s wearing a blue sock on his left foot and a white one on his right foot
>It’s enough to put a little smile on your face, despite the trouble you left at home
>As he hops in the passenger seat, you can’t help but jab at him for his choice of clothing
“Nice footwear.”
>“It’s the new style. It's called ‘I wasn't looking when I pulled these out of the laundry.’”
>He slams the door shut behind himself, buckles in, and you start driving
>“You got the gift card?”
“Right here.”
>You tap on the plastic through your pocket and whip out the item as soon as you come to a stop sign
>He takes it from you as you hand it to him
>“Thanks. Sorry about asking you like that. I didn’t mean to seem needy or anything, it’s just that-”
“No problem. I forgot something, you reminded me, and we needn’t make any more of it. You’re so self-conscious about how Jewish you seem that it’s actually making you act more Jewish.”
>Out into the intersection and onto the main roads
>“At least I’m not my cousin.”
>Oh fuck, THAT guy
“I never could stand him.”


>“Who can? It’s hard to like a guy with the resume of a vending machine distribution manager and the ego of a billionaire. Jesus Christ, it’s almost like he wants people to hate him.”
>Ah, friendship
>The only relationship in which it’s acceptable for two people to make horrible, horrible jokes about eachother
“You can’t say ‘Jesus!’ Doesn’t the Torah have rules about that?”
>“I don’t think so, and you can’t exactly take Moses’ name in vain without standing out. Besides, who swears to him? He’s smalltime compared to big J in terms of cultural influence.”
“Just checkin.’”
>“As opposed to just Chechen. Did you hear about how the Czech embassy’s twitter account got spammed by people who didn’t know the difference between Chechnya and the Czech Republic when they found out the Marathon bombing was done by Chechen Muslims?”
“Two things. One: that pun was terrible. Two: yes, because we talked about it at your birthday.”
>“We did?”
“It was just after you told us about how it looked like there were a bunch of people there wearing jackets and backpacks with PMC company logos.”
>“Oh yeahhh… well what about the ‘Crisis Actors’ theory that’s been cropping up?”
“Are we still talking about the bombing?”
>“I guess you haven’t, then. People think that the bombing was all makeup and special effects, and the gub’ment had actors be the people who were ‘hit’ by the ‘explosion.’”
“That’s hilarious! Have they done any real investigation into this or just speculated and shut out anyone who tries to find flaws in the theory like they usually do?”
>“It’s business as usual.”


“Goddamn, for all the whining about non-conspiracists being sheep who never question anything they’re told, the conspiracy theorists are just as bad. The only difference is that they follow a different shepherd.”
>“This is exactly why I can’t take them seriously. All the popular theories about recent stuff have huge loose ends that you can never ask about, but coming to an unreasonable conclusion based on a tiny inconsistency in something ‘mainstream’ is perfectly acceptable. In this case, it’s people. How many people would you have to get to keep quiet to pull that sort of thing off, discounting the use of mind-control and robots of any type?”
“Let me see… twenty dozen victims… hundreds of hospital workers and first responders… I’m coming up with approximately one fuckton of people, give or take.”
>“And they’ve all been quiet for a month now. Hell, the people who R&D’d, piloted, and erased all evidence of the holographic cruise missiles used on 9/11 are still quiet. So are the people who abducted the passengers and created voice synthesizers to impersonate them calling their families from the planes. That’s sort of hard to believe now that the AP’s release of phone records to the government is public knowledge. Even the PMC theory has this hole in it, and that’s the most plausible one I’ve heard about the bombing.”
>He shifts in his seat a bit so he can gesture and emphasize his point


>“The more people involved, the more likely it is that one of them’s going to stop and say ‘wait, isn’t this wrong?’ or fuck up and leave something incriminating to be found. It’s why a public REX 84 is flawed, too; they can’t brand dissidents convincingly enough as the enemy. A massive roundup of dissidents would only create more dissidents, possibly amongst the ones doing the rounding up.”
>One more prod at him, just because the conversation’s getting a little too serious for what you had to deal with before you left to pick him up and you can’t exactly talk about your life right now
“I’d believe it if your big brother sided with The Big Brother and threw us both into FEMA camps for being in a dissidence-prone demographic. I bet he’d go along with it because he thinks it’s funny.”
>“I always knew he’d join the Marines.”
“You did?”
>“There was this one time the teacher gave him a Mad Lib. He wrote ‘fuck’ for every adjective, verb, noun, and adverb, then wrote ‘fuckasaurus sex’ when it asked him for the name of a dinosaur. He laughed all the way to the principal’s office, no regrets. Genius humor like that can only come from a Jarhead.”
>That IS quite witty


“Heh, you have to admire grunt humor for its simplicity!”
>“Back to my point, though, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a conspiracy to create ridiculous conspiracy theories and distract from the ones that make sense. The Soviets did it after the JFK assassination and they later commented on how it was too easy to get westerners to believe outrageous lies.”
>And there’s Evan’s obsession with obscure Cold War history coming into play
“Why do you always fixate on the Soviets like that?”
>“Why don’t you? They have those fuzzy hats like the one General Ourumov wore in ‘Goldeneye!’”
>You take one hand off the wheel to facepalm, splaying your fingers so you can still see the road
>“You know, the cylindrical one that’s-”
“Oh god, forget I even asked…”
>Gesturing upwards towards nothing in particular, you remove your hand from your face
“Illuminati! Let’s talk about them instead.”
>“If they’re as influential as they’re made out to be, we wouldn’t even know that name, and they definitely wouldn’t go plastering their symbols on our money.”
“True. They’d have to be pretty cocky to wave their conspiracy in our faces.”


>“Yeah, but right under people’s noses is an effective hiding spot if it’s used well. Going back to what you said, I think the good conspiracy theories are the ones that you have to admire for their simplicity, too. Let's turn on the radio. I bet I can make a believable one right now. No robots, reptoids, or mind control.”
>He leans forward and pushes the volume control in
>A second later, the car is filled with British-accented voices discussing how Africa is having another bad day

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0189p8q
(Audio link: BBC World Service’s program that aired on May 18, 2013. Start the audio at the 44 minute mark. The website says that this link will go dead sometime in 2014, so get it while you can! Or don’t. I’m just suggesting things. It’s not like you actually need to do them.)

>“Hmm… I could use that one, but it’d rely too much on antagonizing the UN. That’s been done to death. Let’s wait for the next story.”
>Minutes later, they’re talking about how Richard Wagner is still controversial in Germany, even at his bicentennial
>“Ooh! THIS is a good one. Wagner’s anti-Semitism is a product of the Catholic Church.”
“You’ve got a beginning and an end. Connect the dots and let’s see if it makes sense.”


>“During the Middle Ages, the Clergy decided that collecting money on loans wasn’t ‘living by the sweat of one’s brow,’ and therefore sinful. This made the economy of Europe stall, because nobody would loan money if they couldn’t make a living of it and still go to heaven. However, there was a loophole. Jews were technically exempt. Jewish Sheol and Christian Hell are two different things, so the Jews ignored the clergy and became the bankers that Europe deserved, but not the ones they needed right now.”
“Alright, Commissioner Gordon, what does that have to do with Wagner?”
>Right on cue, the program shifts to an interview with a German historian
>“As a result of all this, Jewish families got more and more experience and influence in banking, becoming synonymous with banking and wealth. Banking became synonymous with division and the status quo. When the Germanic states wanted to unify and have a national bank for a single German country, Jewish bankers didn’t want to go along with it. It would be a messy operation to integrate all of their banks, and more than a few of them would probably lose their fortunes in the process.”
>The historian on the radio makes a statement about how anti-Semitism was pretty much the popular opinion in the 19th century’s Germanic states


>“And like they said just there on the radio, that’s what everyone at the time was frustrated with, not just Wagner. They wanted change and had to go up against a system that wanted things to stay the same. Through only some fault of its own, the face of that system was the Star of David.”
>He reclines in the passenger seat and crosses his arms in front of him
>“Quid Erat Demonstratus.”
“You got the suffix wrong. It’s ‘demonstratUM.’”
>“Still, it was a convincing theory, right?”
“I guess it makes sense… but how can we be 100% certain this wasn’t just a series of accidents, well intentioned mistakes, and coincidences? Can we confirm there was some Cardinal who thought to himself ‘gee, I bet we can dick over those heretical Jews in a way that’s totally not counter-intuitive if we give them loads of money’ or something?”
>“We can’t. Isn’t it exciting, though? It keeps me up at night, wondering if there really are centuries-old secret societies constantly fighting it out in the background and knowing that spy drama is always happening between countries. My theory would definitely make Gavrilo Princip’s life story more interesting.”
“Who?”
>“Second most influential man of the twentieth century. He shot Archduke Ferdinand and started the First World War.”
>He’s bringing up the World Wars?


“Wait a minute… are you trying to say-”
>“You guessed it. In a really roundabout way, the Catholic Church almost prevented the Second Reich and accidentally caused the Third Reich! That’s unless they were genius enough to plan this sort of thing and keep that plan on track for almost a millennium despite countless changes of leadership in the church. Then it was for intentionally turning public opinion against Jews far enough to have someone rise to power on the platform of ‘I’ll kill the Jews.’”
>That’s not fair!
“You said you were coming up with a believable one!”
>“But I did!”
“No you didn’t! Linking it to Hitler is cheating!”
>“Is not!”
“Is too!”
>“I didn’t make him important or like Wagner: he just IS IMPORTANT and liked Wagner. I never said the Catholic Church definitely did this. I’m just saying that it might have happened like that, so I’m not going to convince myself this is the reason it happened until all the other possibilities seem less likely than that one.”
>Neither of you speak for a few seconds
>The radio keeps going, talking about how Hitler did actually like Wagner’s music and opinions
>Well, Evan did have a point until he ruined it
“As balls-to-the-wall crazy as that one got, I have to admit that you had me going for a minute.”
>“Not saying it did happen because of that. I’m just saying it’s exciting to think that it might have.”
“You listen to too much Alex Jones.”


>Evan shuts down the radio
>“His opinions and callers are kind of wack, but the raw information he broadcasts is useful. I like his show for that. Did you hear about Ryan Fogle?”
“As much as it sounds like you made that name up, I did. He got some coverage on NPR.”
>“No relation to Archibald Spoob, the visionary writer behind the ‘Time Traveling Child Molesters’ videogames. The man’s a complete genius. The TTCM series is like Max Payne, Metal Gear Solid, and Watchmen all combined in terms of its attention to detail.”
>This is that in-joke you told Twilight about
>Needless to say, it was Evan’s idea, not yours
>You go along with it because it reminds you of the insane stuff the pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto make small talk about
>Sometimes you even talk about it in public with him just because the “What the fuck did I just overhear?” looks on peoples’ faces are so priceless
“Oh man, I’ve been meaning to get the fifteenth entry to that series for forever!”
>“I won’t spoil it for you, but the twist in the second act is absolutely mind boggling. You should get it. Anyway, Fogle… worst American spy ever?”
“Approaching the Russians and saying ‘I be double agent now, da?’ with a spare passport and a pair of fake mustaches in his pocket just goes to show how hard the sequester is hitting the CIA’s training and Q-branch equivalent.”


>“This year has been so embarrassing for the US. I’m actually starting to lose internet arguments about how the US could get its redemption from all this shame.”
“I doubt it’ll get any better before it gets worse.”
>“The AP phone records leak is just the tip of the iceberg. Mark my words.”
“Marked.”
>Evan looks out the window for a second and gets his bearings
>“Hey, I think we’re going to go by Danilo’s house. Let me call him up and… fuck.”
“I thought you were just friends.”
>He’s rapidly feeling his pockets for something he can’t find
>“No, I forgot my phone! I was going to call him and see if he’s already got a ride to Drew’s thing. Do you have his number in your phone?”
“I don’t think I do. I mean, I only know him through you.”
>“Can I see it and check?”
“Only if you keep both your hands on it and keep the car windows shut.”
>You pull up to a stop light and pop the phone out of your holster for him
>He scrolls through the contacts list for a minute, then gives up and puts the phone in the center console
>“Nope, he’s not here. Damn.”
“Ah well, we can swing by his house and check.”
>“This reminds me, actually. Did that kid I talked to on Wednesday have you call me back? You didn’t get back to me for a few hours.”
>What?
>What is he talking about?
“What kid?”


>He picks the phone up again and goes to your call logs
>You glance over to him as the stop light turns green
>There are two incoming calls from Evan on Wednesday, both around nine in the morning
>One of them was picked up
>All you did was call him back after you saw a ‘missed call’ notification
>“I tried calling twice. Nobody picked up on the first time, but the second time some kid answered me.”
>Spike
>Spike is paving a road to hell
>Everything had been perfect until now, and now they’ve had outside contact with someone who you convinced to watch half of season one
>He might have watched more, but you were commenting on how they rarely reuse pieces of music in MLP seconds before they started reusing a piece of music
>Now you have to make the straightest poker face of your life because Spike’s a fucking idiot
>“He actually sounded kind of familiar, but I couldn’t place it.”
“I think I know who it was”
>“Do I know him?
“It’s one of the neighbors’ kids. There’s one that actually has the same name as you. You know how my mom is with kids: She probably had him over to babysit for a couple of hours and the kid picked up my phone while I wasn’t in the room.”
>That’s half true
>One of the neighbors’ children is named Evan
>“Okay, I just want to be sure that you’re not trying to re-enact level seven of ‘TTCM 8: The Molestification of Levittown.’”


>Deflect suspicion with a joke and change the subject
“Nah, it’s closer to ‘Inter-dimensional Zoophile Squad 3: Consent at all Cost’ level two. Anyway, we’re almost at Dan’s apartment.”
>You pull off of the main road and into the condo complex
>As you approach his condo, you see that his family’s cars aren’t there
>You stop and honk the horn, and after a short delay Dan comes out the door
>He jumps into the backseat and tries to join the conversation
>“Hey Evan, hey Jake. I’m guessing you got my text, E?”
>“Funny thing about that… I actually forgot my phone at home.”
>“You mean you guessed? Wow, thanks for coming to check! I’d be missing the pre-fireworks stuff for this town fair carnival thing if you’d just driven by.”
“Do you think they’re going to do the fireworks tonight? I heard there’s supposed to be a drizzle.”
>“Then it’s that much better that you decided to pick me up. I’d hate to get there and have there be nothing to do.”
>“It’s not like they can’t make a rain date. I heard this summer's going to be really dry and hot.”
>There’s a heat wave of rage you’ll unleash as you get home
>For now, keep it separate
>Act like nothing happened, and enjoy an afternoon amongst friends



#IRCAddamsLocal
Server time 5/18/2013, 19:22

19:22:19@ElizaLaptop: Dinner’s served! Fried kale and zucchini over quinoa.
19:22:25@JonDesktop has signed off
19:22:30@Basement: Have you ever had one of those days when five things went wrong for every one thing that went right?
19:22:40@ElizaLaptop: Everyone has.
19:22:50@ElizaLaptop: I’ve seen more than a few happen, and I’ve had several.
19:22:52:@Basement: That’s comforting to know.
19:22:54@Basement: Humans seem socially and psychologically similar enough. Maybe I could find a way to fit in.


19:23:05@ElizaLaptop: I thought I heard you sobbing earlier…
19:23:09@Basement: I’m a hair’s breadth from the worst possible kind of death. All of my friends and family, everyp0ny I knew except for Spike… I’ll never see them again. If I lose Spike, I won’t even hear from them. I’ll be socially dead. Isolated. Alone.
19:23:18@Basement: I heard a report on the radio today about how people inside the Gaza Strip are paying exorbitant fees to have food smuggled in from a restaurant across the border in Egypt. It’s supposed to be very tasty for humans. The Fried Chicken Restaurant of Kentucky, or something along those lines. Couriers are bringing deliveries through tunnels that the militants used to bring supplies for fighting Israel.
19:23:24@Basement: The Gazans wouldn’t starve if that tunnel collapses. It would benefit the Gazan food vendors, but it would be a change for the worse. Those people don’t get comfort food when they need it, and they have to live with something different and arguably less palatable.
19:23:40@ElizaLaptop: I could bring your dinner down to you, if you’d like.
19:23:41@Basement: I’d appreciate that. No need to hurry on my account, though.
19:23:45@Basement: I’ve got all the time in the world.



Part 3 (Author's note: Holy shit this part is 72000 characters long what the fuck was I doing)

>Wednesday, May 22, 4:57pm
>One of many days to come on Earth, Jon Addams’ office
>It’s been about four months, for the record
>You are Twilight Sparkle
>You’ve had your delusions
>Going home soon
>Getting the Canterlot Computer to finally stop malfunctioning
>A ‘computer’ being a metaphorical gateway to the greatest collection of information you’ve ever known
>That last one has been the only one you didn’t doubt, and now you’re regretting it
>A dual-boot Ubuntu/Windows 7 OS quad-core running at ~2.4GhZ per core with 3Gb of random access memory and two 500Gb magnetic secondary storage devices, plus a pair of earbud style speakers and a 1280 by 768 pixel liquid crystal display
>Compared to the Canterlot Computer, that’s awesome!
>Not the way that Rainbow Dash uses the word, either
>It actually inspires awe in you that this could be purchased and assembled for less than a month’s salary at a minimum-legal-wage job, giving you access to what you’ve come to think of as the joining of your consciousness with that of the human species
>Then you realize that this was made with much less than a month’s salary, and you might have forever to use it
>It wasn’t worth the tradeoff of never going home


>The ‘monitor’ has a patch of ‘pixels’ which were hit by a desk lamp and no longer function, one of the ‘RAM’ slots is fell victim to a ‘short circuit’ during a DIY maintenance, and the ‘earbuds’ are not designed for a p0ny’s ears
>You’re also not allowed to make an ‘electronic mail’ account because there’s a popular suspicion that these are under surveillance and could be used to find you out
>It just figures that those are needed to register for essential services on many ‘web sites’
>C’est la vie, as they say in Les Basses Terres du Griffon
>Most of the ‘internet’ is used for entertainment or ‘adult entertainment,’ according to the warnings Jake had the foresight to leave in the user guide
>Fortunately, the ‘internet’ is so extensive that the educational parts are nothing short of massive
>You’re more than occupied with the few ‘web sites’ recommended to you
>That can only mean that the rest is large enough to distract you until the end of time
>If you’re told that you’ll definitely need it until the end of time, you’re not sure how you’d feel
>It would take more than silly pictures of cats to cheer you up, that much is certain
>It had been curiosity that drew you to study human culture
>Now it’s necessity
>But… you have all the time in the world
>No rush, no deadlines
>No purpose outside of fixing the ‘Canterlot Computer’


>You’ll get to the cultural studies when you’re done troubleshooting
>Or when you’re distracted
>Cats are a large part of human entertainment on the ‘internet’
>Noted
>True to the warnings, it was difficult to tear yourself away from the entertainment ‘sites’
>Spike would probably never relinquish the ‘computer’ if you taught him how to use it
>That’s not going to happen, because 1: he’d break something (well, MORE of something), 2: he’s liable to stumble across something inappropriate, and 3: he’s grounded
>It seems as if some ‘pages’ of the ‘internet’ are inaccessible, no matter what you try
>Sometimes trying to access it twice in a row will give you access, or waiting and trying again later
>You wanted to study the ‘Wild Western Frontier’ portion of this country’s history so you could understand the movies better, but nearly every ‘page’ of the encyclopedia related to mail service and communication is in a part of the internet that’s broken
>It’s an annoyance you REALLY don’t need right now
>Wouldn’t humans have ironed out all the problems with this system already?
>It seems as if none of your hosts’ computers have any problems
>Now that the last of your hopes have fallen through, you’ve run out of options


>No going home
>Your family, friends, mentor, and all the rest are something you have to imagine with the aid of alphabetical characters and punctuation
>No going outside
>Jake is adamant that it wouldn’t go well, his parents share his opinion to an extent, and using a spell to disguise yourself wouldn’t be reliable enough to prevent your discovery
>Nothing
>Nothing except fixing this darned pile of ponyfeathers called the ‘Canterlot Computer’
>The carrot of the ‘internet,’ flawed as it is, dangles before you 
>You’re restrained from it by your commitment to share this gift with others and your incompetence in attempting to do so
>This is a bad dream
>It has to be
>The symbolism, the similarities to the waking world, the constant fear
>It’s all there
>This has to be a bad dream
>What other possibility is there?
>There is no explanation for how you alone could travel to an alternate universe, even if it does prove several philosophical and metaphysical arguments
>That could be the manifestation of your biases, but it shouldn’t be possible
>This is Equestria
>You’re already home
>The star charts and geography prove it
>Why?
>Why would a nightmare be so depressing and ironic?
>Is this mental self-torture?


>“That looks like a normal resistance even if they applied the insulation wrong. I’m stumped again. Are you having any luck, Twilight?”
“Huh?”
>Jon puts down the sheets he was holding to look at you directly
>You’re a little bit embarrassed to have spaced out again
“Sorry, Jon. I can’t even think of what lead we should pursue next.”
>“You seem like you’ve been having trouble thinking at all.”
“I’m fine. Just a little preoccupied and worried.”
>Jon’s bifocals function more like trifocals; there are reading lenses, distance lenses, and ‘looking over the frame to show concern and disbelief simultaneously’
>The third lens of his bifocals is in full effect
>He knows you’re lying, but he continues with business
>“What haven’t we gone over yet?”
“Uh... do you actually want to see the list, or was that a rhetorical?”
>“Rhetorical.”
“Right. I think Spike might be laying on top of it, anyway.”
>“I think that we should


>Any simple question you ask is likely to have an unpleasant answer or no answer at all, but the complex ones are crystal clear
>The constant failure
>All these things that are simply wrong, but you can’t do anything about them
>Death, all around you, in a multitude of forms
>It’s all a dream
>There has to be a way to wake up, or at least contact Luna
>You considered the possibility that she’s in your dream already, but in Equestria
>Writing to her seems like the logical thing to do if you know this is a dream
>The only problem is that it’s so vivid
>If you wrote to her and asked if this is a dream, but you were wrong, then what?
>So you’re stuck waiting from a sign from Luna
>Luna might not be able to communicate with you directly if a comatose state is too different from normal dreams
>She might only be able to drop hints, like one of the pieces of music in the list being titled ‘Moonlight Sonata’ as a way of showing that she has some influence over your coma dream
>There aren’t many resources to consult on the topic of her dreamwalking abilities, so you can’t be sure
>Likewise, any resources you consult now might just contain your presumptions from when you were awake
>It could also be the case that you have a faint awareness of the events occurring around you in reality
>“Then again, they said they’re keeping the computer fastidiously… Twilight, you’ve got that stare again.”


>The strange frequency of opium, opiates, and other drugs being mentioned could be because you’re overhearing the ponies around you discussing your treatment
>That’s more than slightly alarming, because the advertisement shown on the ‘television’ during intermissions sometimes try to sell medicine for prostate conditions
>If you were to wake up to discover you’ve somehow grown a prostate and prostate-related organs, you might faint and need to be resuscitated all over again
>And then when you woke up for good, you’d still have to come to terms with a body that’s not entirely your own
>What if that’s what happened?
>What if you somehow teleported into another pony, and this is your brain merging with theirs?
>Have you made yourself into a freak, ruining another’s life in the process?
>Is that possible?
>For that matter, who could you be merging with?
>Who in Ponyville would think about war and conflict so frequently?
>What if-
>Oh Celestia, no…
>What if your brother was coming to Golden Oaks Library on a surprise visit, but he was somehow in the same spot as the one you tried to occupy, and you’re living out a representation of both of your minds combined?!
>…actually, that wouldn’t explain the humans
>Nothing does
>False alarm, hopefully
>“Hellooooo…?”


>This might be one of those times when it’s good to be wrong
>You’re not about to go through probability ratios just to find out that’s even more impossible than a teleportation gone wrong causing head trauma and loss of consciousness
>While browsing the ‘internet’ to confirm some hypotheses about human/pony neurological similarities, you came across the reason humans stopped using phrenology
>It was alarmingly recent, considering how speculative and unproven phrenology is, but that’s beside the point
>There’s this ‘Phineas Gage’ fellow who made history for having a tamping rod driven up through his jaw and out the top of his head in a dynamite drilling accident
>He survived, but…
>Well… there’s a silly limerick about him because humans are macabre like that
>A moral man, Phineas Gage/Tamped dynamite down for his wage/‘Til his special-made probe/Pierced his left frontal lobe/Now he’s vulgar, drunk, and enraged
>“‘Tom!’ No answer. ‘Tom!’ No answer.”


>That last line is based mostly on hearsay and could be exaggerated, but all accounts of Phineas after the accident point to a change in personality
>If you’ve had a brain injury, it could account for both your emotional distress and the violent nature of the dream
>The emotional distress and violence could be symbolic of your physical pain, in which case the opium had better kick in soon
>A head injury could explain unreliable magic, both while awake and dreaming
>No need to panic about that yet
>“Dah dah dit dah, dit di dit, dit dah di dit, dit di dah dah di dit.”
>Let’s save panic for when you’ve entirely lost your ability to do magic
>You don’t want anything to happen to Shining Armor, least of all something that’s your fault, but breaking your horn would be second only to hurting him
>It would be hard to forgive yourself if you disfigured him like that
>Especially if you’ve gained his prostate
>The prostate business is probably just doctors discussing another patient, but what about the dynamite trend that’s popping up?
>That’s a strike against the idea that you’re hearing things outside of the dream (seriously, what medical treatment involves dynamite?)
>Though if you were right about the merging hypothesis, it might mean he’s somewhere on Earth too…
>No, no more hoping for the impossible
>That's what got you into this mess
>“Twlight? Jon to Twilight, do you read?”


>Oh, right!
>You’re in Jon’s office making no headway with the Canterlot Computer, as usual
>Almost everything unrelated to its maintenance is out of your schedule
>If you can’t go home, you’d like to have something other than a failed experiment as your legacy
>That’s looking more and more unlikely
>What’s not usual is that Spike is grounded and needs to be under constant supervision, so he’s present as well
>In body, if not in mind
>He’s been bored to sleep on some note stacks that have been arranged as an improvised bed
>You’re becoming much less attentive as well
>Part of the cause is restraining your temptation to abandon the Canterlot Computer and use the ‘internet’ 16 hours a day, 7 days a week
>It would be 24 hours a day, but house rules are that it’s off between midnight and dawn
>The other part is the dread you feel when you ask yourself “Now what can I do?” or “How is this possible?”
>Now that you’ve heard a question from Jon instead of from yourself, you need to reply
>Even if you only caught part of the question
“Wha- Yes, I like reading! It’s one of my favorite pastimes.”
>That blurted response only gets you more suspicious looks from your host and colleague
>“Twilight, I could tell you weren’t listening.”


“No, I was listening! Really!”
>If this was poker, you’d be getting called with a hoof of… of…
>Whatever is a bad hoof to be dealt in poker
>There’s a reason you never play that game
>“You didn’t bat an eyelid as I was quoting literature and speaking in Morse code. There’s no way you were listening.”
“Code?”
>“I’ll explain after we finish for the day. What’s on your mind?”
“Nothing. I came up with something silly to worry about, then realized it didn’t make sense once I thought about it. I’m fine now!”
>“You’re not fine, so don’t pretend these lapses aren’t cause for concern. Nobody is going to be able to help you if you don’t
>This has been happening ever since you got the letter
>Whenever you’re unoccupied or in a one-way conversation without a turn to speak, your mind wanders, speculates and worries
>Celestia said she would do everything she could to bring you home
>If it involves her death, it’s not worth it
>Still, you need something to hang on to
>“Twilight? Oh, for Christ’s sake…”


>Some shred of hope you can cling to so you can keep yourself going
>Going home soon was the optimistic delusion: now going home EVER is the optimistic delusion
>Thinking this is all a dream isn’t delusional
>That’s the likeliest explanation for all this
>Going home could be a metaphor for waking up
>“Listen to me!”
“AAHHH!”
>But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treat this like it isn’t real
>Not until you confirm it somehow
>Jon surprised you and caused you to stumble into a pile of scrap papers covered in equations, Griffonic seafood recipies, and creative profanities born of frustration
>That certainly felt real
>Pegasi never mention how much wings dig into their sides when they fall on them, and you have no idea why
>You groan and get back onto your hooves again, bruised by your new and not necessarily useful limbs
“I… wow. I'm sorry. I need a break.”
>“Take as long as you need.”
>The door to the kitchen is pulled open by your magic
>You trot through it thinking of how they’re sincerely concerned about you
>So is Spike, as he sat up to see what the commotion was before deciding he didn’t need to do anything and laying back down


>He’s obviously upset about the punishment, but he’s taking it like a champ
>Not a very talkative champ, but he’s not griping or trying to avoid his punishment
>This all started when Jake came home from that event he was attending on Saturday night
>You watched some of it, but you didn’t catch the part where Jake seemed to figure out that his ‘cell phone’ had been used by Spike
>It wasn’t something you could stand to watch much of
>Seeing him with his friends reminded you too much of how you’re separated from yours
>But when Jake got back late that night, he was quite upset
>Naturally, you were upset that Spike let his instinctive side run loose like that
>Not as upset as Jake, but having just obtained access to what amounts to a collective consciousness meant you weren’t about to let Spike get away with something that could jeopardize its availability to you
>There were two possible outcomes to your discovery that were laid out for you and Spike on the morning that Spike confessed


>If you were discovered by the public and garnered media attention, the attention would only increase and increase to the point where every thing you do would be seen and scrutinized by billions of humans
>Then you might also have to deal with the political responsibility of being the sole representative of an entire planet
>That’s the sort of position that nothing can prepare somep0ny for
>One poorly worded sentence could lead to disaster
>Spike would have his workload go from idleness to his physical limits in the span of days
>And if humans manage to finagle a dark magic-fueled portal between worlds out of you or some magicians back home…
>No, you don’t want to think about that
>It’s not like they could get enough skilled magicians who would be willing to commit mental suicide, right?
>In summary, it would be bad for stress and possibly bad for productivity, but you still might be able to get something done
>Perhaps you would even get better supplies and equipment
>Or perhaps one crazy human would decide that you’re better off dead
>You’re essentially a little green space alien to humans, and humans have something against little green space aliens
>They’ve been blamed for a spate of abductions, though whether they actually exist is debatable


>The other outcome is that you’re discovered by an organization or person that can keep you hidden against your will
>At that point, your life would be out of your control and up to… someone
>Jake believes that the worst case scenario is that this someone might use you for selfish purposes and possibly separate you from Spike
>He tried to break this to you gently (read: over a bowl of ice cream), but he made a promise to be honest
>When you asked if there was a possibility of that someone deciding to kill you, he told you to look up the sorts of things that humans believe are done to captured space aliens
>There’s a decent chance it would end in dissection or vivisection
>You relayed this to Celestia, and she said she wants you to delay your discovery by anyhuman else as long as you can
>This means you’re stuck with only a few people to interact with, but at least you can work in peace and buy time for the CCU/CSGU and Qilin to find other potential methods of rescuing you
>There’s just too much risk and uncertainty in interacting with other humans
>It’s not what you’d like, but this is the situation you’re in
>It also seems like the males fear you
>THEY fear YOU


>How long did you think that was the other way around?
>They really don’t know what they’re doing to your magic, do they?
>Jon still sees magic as a mystical and confusing transitional state of energy that’s barely compatible with ‘atomic’ theory (to be fair, it is)
>Jake doesn’t understand magic, so you’ve been feeding him tidbits to help him understand just enough to feel comfortable
>This means your experiments with the ‘T. Sparkle Antimagic Field’ can’t be purely magical experimentation
>You’re also going to have to manipulate your hosts into various states of trust and determine how using magic to fulfill their requests affects its potency
>This is going to be horribly deceitful and degrading to everyone involved, but this is about magic, and potentially getting home
>Getting them to trust you and want you gone at the same time is going to be difficult
>Doubly so if they find your magic too useful to give up
>Maybe the Elements of Harmony could be used?
>Those have enough of Celestia’s and Luna’s stored magic to accomplish almost anything, but they only work in very specific circumstances…
>The sound of footsteps in the hallway snaps you out of your reflective pause
>You find yourself sitting in the center of the kitchen floor, but you don’t remember when you sat down
>By process of elimination, you know it’s Jake before you see him


>There’s something about him that started recently
>Whenever you’re around him, you get the sensation that there’s someone staring at you
>It might be the fabled yet unproven ‘gut instincts’ that came with the earth pony portion of your alicorn package or guilt for your own spying, but there’s no way to tell
>You try to make it seem like you meant to pause in the kitchen by quickly getting a cup out of the cupboard and filling it in the sink
>Meanwhile, Jake idly passes you, paying you no mind
>You notice that he’s wearing rather ragged pants and old-looking shoes right now
>He hits the power button on the ‘radio’ as he strides towards the ‘refrigerator’
>It’s playing the top of the hour news
>You take a gulp of water and listen
>There was a broad daylight ‘religiously motivated’ murder in the United Kingdom that took five times longer than average for police to respond to
>A tornado hit the US state of Oklahoma on Monday, destroying several towns
>The Marathon Bombing is being connected to a triple murder that occurred several years ago in a neighborhood only a few miles away, though the suspect in that murder was shot by police during questioning after he allegedly attacked his captors
>All the sorts of things you’d never hear about in Equestria
>The last thing you need is a reminder of what kind of world you’re stuck in
>Your voice unintentionally tremors as you ask a favor of your hosts
“W-would you please turn that off?”


>“Hmm? Oh, my bad. I wasn’t thinking.”
“That sounds nice.”
>Jake stops rummaging through the appliance and shuts off the ‘radio’
>“What does?
“Not thinking. I’m starting to wonder if I think too much.”
>“Is that possible?”
“I think it is.”
>You bring the cup to your lips and down the rest in a single gulp
>Jake doesn’t take the opportunity to speak as you drink
>Probably because he realized the absurdity of your statement before you did
“Heh, there I go again. I can’t stop myself.”
>He kneels down to your level
>“What are you thinking about? The news?”
>Amongst other things
“Yeah. It’s just too jarring. I mean, really? Loose tornadoes? How far do you have to let weather control go for that to happen?”
>“If you’re worried that we’re going to be hit by one, don’t. We rarely even get tropical storms here.”
“It’s like… I don’t know, what if Ponies didn’t have Celestia or Windigoes or weather control? Would it be like this in Equestria?”
>“Is Celestia that important?”
>Did he really just ask that?
>Seriously?
>That has to be the most ignorant-
>Duh, of course it’s a stupid question
>You didn’t remember to get him a history book
>“Your facial expression says yes.”
>It’s not a pleasant face you’re making, but it could be interpreted that way
>At least now you have something other than your situation to think about, even though frustration is barely a step above sadness


“Thank you for reminding me that I haven’t got that history book for you.”
>“You’re welcome, I guess.”
“I’m going to forgive you for asking an ignorant question on the grounds of ignorance. ‘Is Celestia that important’ is on par with ‘what are internets?’”
>“…Okay, educate me.”
>This is something you’re more than willing to do
“She’s the keystone to society and practically queen of the world! You could call the entire planet Equestria and still be technically correct, though not politically correct. FURTHERMORE, she is the role model for every living being. Smart, strong, moral… she’s the definition of grace and perfection.”
>“So she’s an immortal god-empress?”
>Try not to find that offensive
>Jake’s probably comparing her to things he already knows
“She’s not a ‘god,’ Equestria is not an empire, and she’s not immortal. That last one is a common misconception; it just seems like that because she’s powerful enough to use age spells frequently. One more thing: I’m not going to let you compare her to any human dictators because she’s held office since the foundation of Equestria. Unlike what I’ve read about North Korea, she’s legitimately as good as everyp0ny says she is.”


>Unlike humans
>Which you’re stuck with for the foreseeable future
“…And now I’m thinking about how I’ll never live under her again.”
>You lower your head and mope, levitating the cup into the sink as you do
“This is it. This is where I’ll live the rest of my life.”
>Jake reaches out to put a hand on you
>NO
>For all you know, extended physical contact with a human could drain magic from you, and you’re not about to do that experiment
>You immediately push his arm away with a forehoof
>Trying to sound forceful comes out choked and weak
“Please, don’t touch me.”
>Minutes pass
>Neither Jake nor you move
>Eventually, you raise your head again and speak in a constricted voice
“Look at Spike. He was happy because he didn’t care about anything. I’m miserable because I pay attention. It’s not even the sort of morbid fascination that makes crowds form around accidents. I just can’t stop looking. I can’t stop seeing all these problems without solutions and questions without answers. I don’t know how my magic isn’t working like it should. This mark appeared on my flank because I’m supposed to do magic, and I can’t do what it tells me to do. I’ve never felt more powerless in my entire life. I can’t fulfill my purpose.”
>There’s a lump in your throat


>You notice a warm, wet sensation coming down your left cheek as you swallow the tightness
“I’m going to die here. Even if I see it coming, there will be nothing I can do to stop it. I can’t rely on my magic to save me. This must be what it feels like to fall to one’s death.”
>“There are things to be happy about.”
“Not enough of them. It’s a ratio. It all comes down to numbers. I can’t ignore all the bad things if I want to be happy. I’d be missing so much that I couldn’t understand anything, and then I wouldn’t be happy because I don’t understand what’s going on. I can’t even voice my concerns because it would make you mad at me.”
>“I wouldn’t be mad if you’re not talking to me like I’m personally to blame.”
“Y-you wouldn’t?”
>“I wouldn’t.”
>You can feel your throat loosening up again
“You really mean that?”
>“No one can improve without listening to critics. Look at China, or DeviantArt artists. They’re terrible because they can’t handle anything except praise. You have a unique perspective. I want to hear it.”
“Deviant… art?”
>He stiffens slightly in surprise
>Maybe this is something you should look into if he’s surprised you haven’t heard of it
>“It’s an art website where most of the artists have no talent or original art. It’s not very important. Just… I don’t know, don’t think of your curiosity as a burden. Spike isn’t miserable is because he’s kind of dumb.” 
>Spike breaks his unspoken vow not to speak so he can reply without leaving his makeshift paper bed


>“I WAS LISTENING, YOU KNOW.”
>Jake looks over his shoulder to defend his point without leaving the kitchen
>“LAVA LEVEL. ALSO, MY PHONE.”
>Someone shuts the office door shortly after Jake’s retort is complete
>Confident he’s won an argument about nothing important, he returns his attention to you
>“What I’m trying to…”
>Whatever he was going to say, he stopped saying it
>He stops looking at you and glares down the hallway, narrowing his eyes in suspicion and slowly standing to his full height
>“That box wasn’t there a moment ago.”
“What box?”
>You wipe your tears and rotate on the spot to follow his gaze
>There’s a large, sealed cardboard box in front of the basement door labeled ‘Emergency care package’
>You estimate it to be roughly one cubic meter in volume
>There’s a high pitched noise coming from within
>Is… is that a voice?
>It sounds like something or someone is inside the box
>Whatever it is, it’s speaking again
>“I said ‘Is it working yet?’”
>Jake and you stare in amazement and confusion


>There’s definitely a female voice coming from the box
>It speaks again, its tone a mix of excitement and frustration
>“How could I tell? I’m in a box!”
>There’s something familiar about that voice
>It’s difficult to be certain through the muffling of the cardboard, but you know that you know this voice
>“Yes, the box WAS absolutely necessary! It’s symbolic of- oh. Oh, it IS working? Well why didn’t you say so?”
>You recognize the voice now, but that can’t be right
>How is she here?
>Is that even worth asking?


“Pinkie?!”
>Without warning, the container’s top cracks open in a cascade of confetti and corrugated cardboard
>“SURPRIIIISE!”
>Nonchalant in the face of impossibility, Pinkie rears up to lean on the edge of the box and allows a sly smile to creep across her face
>“Or it woulda been, but you guessed it. Somep0ny here order a box full of smiles?” 
>You’re locking eyes with one of your best friends
>Who is on Earth
>With you
>Or at least you were until she decided to look at everything except you
>“Ooh~… it all looks so real!”
>Jake is turning to go outside while quietly ranting to whoever is listening
>“Nope. Nope. This is ridiculous. I refuse to accept that the people trying to bring you back are this stupid. They did not just give us another one after they told us they can’t bring them back. Just... no. Fuck everything.”
>Pinkie calls out to him, stopping him as he’s halfway to the exterior door
>“Wait! You! Pasta-pockets human guy! You’re Jake, right?”


>He’s clearly not in the mood to consider taking in another p0ny, let alone speak with one that called him “pasta pockets”
>“I am. If you’re not back in Equestria by-”
>“Have you ever played ‘Monopoly?’”
>“Yes, what’s it to you?”
>“Twi drew a ‘go to jail’ card, but I’m just visiting. You’ve got nothing to worry about, Mister Jakey wakey eggs and bakey.”
>This relaxes him, but not by much
>“If you’re lying, I swear to whichever god will believe this is happening…”
>“Cross my heart and- oop! Hold on!”
>Pinkie begins spasming inside the box, then says the name of several body parts as the movement focuses on each one
>“Wiggly eyebrow… scrunchy nose… tappy hoof… itchy forehead…”
>Just as quickly as it began, the random movements stop
>“That was strange. I’ve never had that combo before.”
“What did it mean?”
>Pinkie raises a forehoof to her chin in contemplation
>“Hmm… I think I’ve had itchy nose when it’s about these vanara people, but never scrunchy… Ooh! Ooh! I know! A human needs to cut the grass to make something important happen! Jake, where were you about to go?”
>“I was headed out to mow the lawn and get away from the crazy pink box-p0ny.”
>Pinkie does a little hoof-pump in celebration of another accurate Pinkie Sense combo


>Jake continues on his way out, stopping by the office door
>He pushes it open and walks inside
>Not long afterward, he walks back out of the office and out the exterior door
>As he exits, Jon and Spike walk into the kitchen to get a view down the hall
>Jon is dumbstruck as Pinkie waves to him
>“Nice to meet you, Jon! My name is Pinkie! Markus says hi, and he’s wondering if you’ve tried any of his salmon recipes.”
>Spike starts running towards Pinkie and shoves past you
>He makes a running jump at her, joyfully shouting her name
>It’s a clear attempt at a tackle which transitions into a hug
>Instead of bracing herself, Pinkie rears back in the box and desperately tries to wave him off
>Ignoring or not noticing the gesture, Spike jumps to wrap himself around her neck
>It’s at this point that you notice how light seems to be striking her in a very unnatural way
>He’s still saying her name as he sails straight through her and the box, leaving both unscathed
>The tone of his voice shifts to surprise and panic a split second before he collides with the door behind her and comes to rest face down
>Pinkie cringes with the sound of the impact, then turns to assess the damage
>“Ooch. Probably should have told you that I was talking to all the magic guys doing this projection thing when I was saying how real this looked. Are you okay, Spike?”
>Projection?
>That would explain the lighting


>Spike doesn’t make a motion to get up, instead speaking into the floor
>“I’m fine, just disappointed.”
>“I know you can take a hit like that. I mean are you OKAY okay?”
>He turns himself over to be face the non-solid p0ny he just tried to hug-tackle
>“I’m grounded, but I’m not about to argue about why. I messed up. I’ll take the punishment.”
>“Sorry to hear that. You just keep on troopin’ and everything will turn out right in the end.”
>It must be some sort of spell that transposes light and sound from a small area to make a non-solid representation of objects
>It’s probably two-way if Pinkie can see and hear what’s happening (though this is Pinkie we’re talking about, so one-way isn’t out of the question)
>Either way, it begs the question of how a projection spell could go from one universe to another
>Pinkie turns back to you
>“That goes double for you, Twi! Okeydoke, on with the message.”
>She busts down the front of the box and begins bouncing toward you with a massive smile on her face
>Her hooves are making a stony sound despite the wooden floor
>“Reallyreallyreally good news! Miss Shénmì Cítiě found out that focus point 198308 using the Qi pattern control method and second revision Clover’s mental image techniques are more efficient than casting with her normal mental image techniques! I don’t know what it means, but the qilin and unicorns who are trying to bring you home think it’s exciting, so I’m excited too!”


>As Pinkie finishes speaking, she stops in front of you
>However, she doesn’t stop bouncing
>Spike times his movement to walk under her as she bounces
>He gets into the kitchen and shepherds Jon back to the office
>Jon cooperates for the most part, but he comes back to watch after a few seconds
>198308…
>That can’t be right
>That focus point’s only used for alterative spells
>Pinkie looks off towards something you can’t see, then back to you
>“My bad, it’s 081938 which is exciting. 198308 is probably boring. Do you know what that means?”
>081938 is for gravity-based spells…
> Shenmi was mentioned in a text about alternative telekinetic and teleportation techniques
>There was a footnote about how her life’s ambition was to create stable, self-sustaining portals between all of her home country’s provinces
>If she’s the one in charge of this casting…
>OH MY GOSH
>It means there’s actually a very slim chance you can go home without resorting to mind-destroying magic!
>YESYESYESYESYES
“They’ve got a portal between universes?! How did they get it large enough to use? When can I go through it?”


>Pinkie briefly stops bouncing and smiling
>“Yes, they didn’t yet, and five to twenty years from now unless you’ve got super aim with your teleport spells. Sorry, but it’s an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny-yellow-polka-dot-bikini of a portal that’s just large enough to get this projecto-spell through. We can probably maybe use it once every couple of months.”
>Well dangit
>You should have learned not to get your hopes up for anything by now
>Pinkie is expecting you to respond with more than a disappointed half-smile, so you nervously say the first thing that comes to mind
“…It’s better than nothing!”
>The bouncing resumes
>“Yay, better than nothing! Not so yay for Miss Shénmì. She can’t keep these spells up for more than ten minutes, so we should hurry. It looks like she’s getting tired.”
>Pinkie looks away from you to speak to another person you can’t see
>“Markus? Markus, skulle du ta med en kopp vatten för henne?...Tack så mycket!”
>That’s odd
>You don’t recall Pinkie being multilingual
>Perhaps she learned some when she found out this is a chance to make friends from all over the world?
“I didn’t know you spoke Nordnabb!”
>This gets her attention again
>“I just learned it last week. Borrowed some of your books to do it… I think I might have left them in Sugarcube Corner. You’re not going to charge me if they’re overdue, right?”
“Between friends? I couldn’t. It’s a simple mistake.”


>“Thanks, Twi! I knew you’d understand. We really ought to keep going, though. Miss Shénmì is looking a bit tired.”
“Your Jitinese pronunciation is really good, too…”
>“Having been called Pank Ponk, Ponka Poe, Pinka-dinka-doo, and everything in between, I know what it feels like to have someone mispronounce my name. That’s why I make a point of knowing exactly how to say all of my friends’ names right. Especially the new ones, like Miss Shénmì.”
>Pretty sure she actually hasn’t been called anything like that, but Pinkie will be Pinkie
“Stupid question, but is Shenmi the only one casting right now?”
>“Nope. This is the entire rescue operation and about seven thousand volunteer ponies off the street!”
“…Darn. Well, thanks for giving me hope again, Pinkie.”
>“It would’ve been Celestia giving the news, but I volunteered because I knew that last update from the rescue people would make you a gloomy Gus.”
“Pinkie, if I could hug you right now…”
>The bouncing stops again
>“Well, you could put your wings around me. That’s huggish, right?”
“I suppose so. C’mere.”
>You raise your wings forward and walk toward her projection
>She nuzzles up to you as best as she can, reciprocating the gesture
>It feels awkward because there’s not actually something to press against, but you lean into her image and try to nuzzle the space where she would be
>She speaks to you softly
>“Hey, Twilight?”
“Yeah?”
>“We’re all rooting for you. You’re doing great things.”


>You hug in silence
>This is a moment you want to last forever, but you know Pinkie could disappear seconds from now
>Pinkie breaks the silence
>“Raise your wings a bit. I need to talk to you about something personal.”
“What about the casters?”
>“We have a minute or so left. The closer ones are extra focused on this spell, so don’t worry about them listening in.”
>Your wings encircle her head and yours
>As soon as you’re both concealed, Pinkie begins to speak in an uncharacteristically serious whisper
>“Listen closely. Do not panic. I am working with your friends. I am not Pinkie Pie: she had me come in her stead, and she will arrive to discreetly switch with me on Friday. I met her when I participated in the attempted invasion of Canterlot during your brother’s wedding, and I have been in correspondence with her ever since.”
>You back away slightly, but keep your wings up as a privacy screen for the two of you
>This isn’t actually Pinkie?
>Participated in the invasion of-


>Wait a second, are your friends actually working with this thing?!
“You mean-”
>“I feed these fools horseapples, do not feed them a normal apple to show them I am false!”
>The impostor’s eyes flash back to their true form just long enough for you to perceive the change
>“I am a Changeling, but that does not matter! Your friends who are still in Ponyville need me to contact you. Have you been receiving the messages in the letters from them?”
>You’d figured something bad was happening, but not what
>If this Changeling isn’t deceiving you, whatever it is must be bad enough for your friends to trust it
>You whisper urgently with a test of its truthiness
“How can I trust you? Tell me one of the messages first.”
>“They instructed me to tell you that their first letter to you contained the message ‘you are getting used.’ Have you received this message?”
>It seems like it has knowledge that only Applejack, Fluttershy, real Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity would have
“Yes, but they didn’t say who or what was using me, or whether they meant I was getting used to something. If they’re warning me of something, I haven’t pieced it together yet.”
>“I was not told either. Did you receive the message that you are not the first p0ny ever to come to Earth?”
“Yes. It was in Pinkie’s reply to my question about Jake. How do they know this?”


>“I am unsure. Do you know who the first one to come to Earth was?”
“No.”
>“Unfortunate. I was not told, so I cannot tell you. Any letters that have reached you are likely being allowed to reach you intentionally. Your friends admit that they don’t know any sophisticated methods of hiding messages in their letters.”
>Something between your friends and the spells to send you letters is interfering with whatever warning you’re supposed to receive
>A bit of studying from ‘Ciphers, Codes, and Covert Communication’ might help
“What about the book on shelf 15.4, third to the right?”
>“They tried reading it, as did I. None earned their cutie marks in cryptography. This is irrelevant, and I must hurry before the casters tire.”
>You nod for it to continue
“I was told no details. I was only told that they have discovered something which may ruin Changeling hives’ food supply for many hatching cycles to come. Your friends believe that there may be a serious threat to the foundations of civilization as we know it, but have yet to identify this threat. Your friends also believe they are responsible for unwittingly sending you to Earth in this time of need. That is all. You may ask questions freely.”
>Good, they kept this drone uninfo-
>Wait, WHAT?!
>You can barely keep yourself to a whisper
“A threat to the foundations of civilization? I’m here because of them?!”


>“This is what I was told. You do not need to trust me, but I beg you to do so. Your next letter will confirm that I am truthful.”
“I should hope so! This isn’t the sort of thing to throw into a conversation as a prank, least of all now!”
>“My kind is not known for their sense of humor. I was following the script given to me. Pinkie trained me personally in her mannerisms for this task, and requested that I perform a specific ‘combo’ in the presence of a human.”
>Okay, so if this drone is a “friend” of Pinkie’s, how can it be trusted if it’s still going around leeching love?
“Just a quick background check, but what are you feeding on?”
>“Pinkie has many friends, of which I am one. Friendship is not as nutritious as love and tastes dreadfully bland, but it’s enough to survive by in desperate conditions.”
>This sounds plausible enough, but you’re suspicious of another hole in this Changeling’s story
“How did you get into Canterlot undetected?”
>“The security is of comparable porosity to my legs. Your brother’s lieutenants are uncoordinated without him.”
“Are you acting independently from your hive?”
>“I do nothing without the queen's permission.”
>It could have just said “yes,” but it HAD to get all sinister and foreboding


>If your friends truly did trust a Changeling knowing full well that it would report all that it’s told to every member of its hive, this had better be as world-shattering as you’re being led to believe
>“I have one question for you. Markus is friends with a human, correct?”
“I believe so.”
>“Human friendship tastes quite strange. Now, we must make an excuse to have spoken so secretively. The most effective lies contain the truth, so you should tell me something you’d consider to be a secret.”
>Now may be as good a time as any to start preparing the biologists for the big doozy
“If anyone asks, we were talking about why I haven’t sent the vanara haven’t been sent tissue samples yet.”
>“Aside from their constant annoyance to everyone and their swinging from the sides of buildings like maniacs?”
“Aside from that entirely. Humans have a biological trait that I consider to be a very controversial discovery.”
>“That may explain the taste. What is this trait?”
>You lower your wings and speak normally
“Nuh uh. I’ve been looking at it for months, and I still can’t believe it. I’d be the laughingstock of the scientific community if I told anyone.”


>The Changeling returns to perfect mimicry of Pinkie’s tone and mannerisms without missing a beat
>“Pleeeeease? Mister Gupta’s getting impatient and now I’m curious too!”
“I’m not giving them a sample unless Shining Armor is back on duty in Canterlot. This is more riot-worthy than finding out that humans don’t have any magical aspects to their society.”
>There’s a spark of rage behind an otherwise perfect puppydog-like Pinkie pout, unnoticeable to all except somep0ny looking directly into the eyes of the impostor
>The Changeling implicitly confirmed that it’s not acting alone
>Where there’s one hidden Changeling, there are a dozen others
>Saying exactly how to prevent others from infiltrating the scientific capital of the world was the biggest mistake it could possibly make
>Well played, shapeshifter; there’s nothing to blame for this checkmate except the dull mind of a drone
“Would you please make sure an apology gets to my brother as well? I know he was expecting to come down, visit our parents, and then go straight back to the Crystal Empire.”
>The disguised drone snaps a salute, betraying none of its failures with its tone or body language
>“Ma’am, yes ma’am!”
“You don’t need to salute anyp0ny, even if I’m a princess n-”
>The drone gasps and points to something behind you as you hear the exterior door open and shut


>Glancing towards the direction indicated, you see Eliza standing just as dumbstruck as her husband was
>It seems as if Jon left while you were speaking
>The false Pinkie bounces a couple of times and speaks in singsong
>“Hello, Miss Gottschalk!~”
>Eliza hears her own name and slowly gathers her wits for a reply
>“…I don’t think I’ve seen you before.”
>“You haven’t. I think. I don’t know. All this inter-universe stuff is confusing! Or at least twice as confusing as it usually is, because now I’m keeping track of-”
>“You’re not staying here, are you? Did you come to take Twilight home?”
>“Huh? No nononono. I’m going to be gone in a second. I’m not even here to begin with!”
>A pink hoof approaches your head at alarming velocity
>You flinch, but stay mostly still as it passes through you and wiggles around
>“See? It’s sort of a ‘help me Canterlot Court Unicorns, CSGU, and Xuéxiào Qílín de Tèshū Nénglì, you’re my only hope’ kind of situation. We’ll have a way to get Twilight home in two decades at most.”


>Eliza scolds the false Pinkie as it withdraws its hoof from your head
>“Don’t scare me like that! It looked like you hurt her!”
>“Sorry, but there really is only one way to demonstrate. Jon saw Spike go through me earlier, and Jake thought I was ACTUALLY here but left before I could-”
>The image of Pinkie and her box begins to flicker
>Impostor Pinkie looks in one of the directions she looked earlier while addressing someone you couldn’t see, simultaneously surprised and concerned with whoever it is looking at
>“Uh oh, we took too long! Someone get Miss Shénmì a bed, now!”
>The fake Pinkie makes hoof swipes across its own neck
>“Stop the spell! Stop the spe-”
>And then it’s gone
>Here’s to hoping it wasn’t lying about a way you can get home
>And also hoping Ms. Shenmi didn’t hurt herself
>The magical drain should’ve only been enough to knock her out, but she might have hit her head when she collapsed
>You’re stuck staring at the spot that the projection spell occupied
>This conversation ran the gamut of emotions, and you’re not sure which emotion to take from it
>Something bad could happening but you don’t know what
>You’re not marooned on Earth permanently if Celestia respects your wishes not to resort to dark magic
>At least you’re out of depression
>It’s an improvement, maybe
“So… that was certainly something.”
>Silence
>Long, awkward silence


“At least I’m not stuck here forever.”
>More awkward silence
“Umm… Eliza?”
>“Yes?”
“Do you have any time we could schedule for lessons on ‘religion?’”
>“My church doesn’t do summer sermons. We could do it on Sundays.”
“What about weekdays? I’m under the impression that ‘religion’ is a complicated topic. We might need all the time we can get.”
>“I can’t do weekdays for a few weeks. North High’s finals are going into June because we had so many snow days.”
“This place is weird.”
>“This is New England.”
“From my perspective, it’s weird. I can’t believe how comfortable humans are with so little under their control.”
>You finally turn around and begin to walk towards Jon’s office, giving you a good look at Eliza
>She’s wearing a shirt with a slogan in support of homosexual marriage rights printed across the front and some moderately tight pants, as well as her work backpack
“Well, back to failing to fix the Canterlot Computer.”
>“Haven’t you made any progress?”
>Eliza’s inquiry causes you to halt and take a seat on the floor
“Oh no, we’re making progress. It’s just very slow.”
>“You have? It seems like you’ve been working on this for weeks and gotten nothing accomplished.”
“We’ve been narrowing it down. The list of possible problems keeps getting shorter.”


>Raising up a forehoof in a reassuring gesture, you begin to list the failed diagnoses you’ve found for the Canterlot Computer’s malady
“Jon and I have figured out that it’s not stray metal shavings from the conductors, improperly applied insulation, insulation causing overheating (we removed it anyway to be safe), improperly removed insulation, humidity, corrosion, overheating without insulation, power supply issues, ambient magic, spellcasting secondary effects, sabotage, faulty design, improper operation, faulty programming, construction error, accidental discombobulation, communication errors between scientists of different languages, or a bar bet between one of the xiezhi Representatives and Chief Engineer Square Root. Don’t ask about the last one. It’s sort of a weird story.”
>Eliza raises a hand to her chin in contemplation
>She’s trying to help?
>A fresh perspective might help, though you understand she’s more knowledgeable in the field of abstract mathematics as opposed to applied mathematics
>She lowers her hand and gestures to you as if she’s holding something
>“But what IS the problem?”
>Well, she tried


>You shrug as she removes her backpack to hold it in front of herself
“Not a clue. There ought to be absolutely nothing wrong with the computer. I’m starting to look forward to the day that we decide this is an unsalvageable project and just scrap the darn thing.”
>You stand again
“I need to get back to work while I’m in a good enough mood to be able to concentrate.”
>“I’ll hold off on your evening smoothie until you finish for today. A loud blender wouldn’t help your mood or concentration, I bet.”
“Thanks. And hold the grass garnish today. I’d prefer a fruit-only smoothie.”
>Eliza passes you for the table, you pass her for the office
>Inside the office, Spike is back on his “bed” and Jon is at his desk
>You make the triumphant announcement to both of them
“In case you haven’t heard, we’re going home… in five years.”
>Spike sits up to break his vow of silence again
>“Five to twenty years. Set some realistic expectations.”
>Jon looks up from his notes
>“Come on, Spike. She’s had enough to deal with over the last week”
>“Half of that’s because she kept telling herself things she knew were wrong.”
>Spike may be right, but you don’t want any lip from him right now
“Well SORRY for trying to find a reason to get up in the morning.”
>Spike raises his claws up in submission and rolls his eyes as he goes back to napping


>*BVVVVVVRRRRRRMMM*
>Being in a mood that lets you concentrate might not matter if Eliza somehow forgot the conversation you just had
“Ugh, what is that noise?!”
>Spike turns over and tries to wrap some stray paper around his head
>“Whatever it is, I’m going to have a hard time sleeping through it.”
>“Jake’s mowing the lawn.”
>Jon’s explanation only brings up more questions
>You end up shouting back and forth just to communicate
“Does he have to do it with a motorized mower?”
>“It’s the only one we have! Funny story about that, I *BVVVVVVRRRRRRRRMMM*”
“What?”
>“I picked it out of the garbage sixteen years ago and it still runs like a charm!”
“Does he have to do this now?!”
>“He probably figured that we usually give up around this time of day, and you wouldn’t know it, but mosquito season is starting up! If he waited much longer, there would be too many…”
>He stops mid-sentence
>There’s a look of shock and absolute clarity about him
“What’s wrong?”
>“We’re idiots, that’s what *BVVVVVRRRRRRRRMMM* THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG!”


“WHAT?”
>“What’s the procedure they use for troubleshooting?”
“They remove the problem board and lay it out so it can be examined!”
>“How do they display it?”
“It’s put up vertically next to a scaffold! We can’t have them stepping on it, right?”
>“That’s why it always fixes itself! I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner!”
>There’s clearly something you’re missing here
“I don’t get it! Why would it *BVVVVRRRRRRMMM* Why would it fix itself?”
>“What season is it?”
“Weird thing about that: I think Earth might lag a month behind on its seasonal progression!”
>“So it’s already summer?”
“Yes! What are you getting at?”
>“We kept calling the short circuit a malf*BVVVRRRRRMM* Malfunction!”
>The sound of the lawnmower is getting progressively further away, thank Celestia
>Jon’s speech comes down from a shout to simply speaking louder than usual
>“They usually keep the windows open for ventilation, right?”
“Yes.”
>“I think I know exactly what’s wrong!”
“What is it?”
>*BVVRRRM*
>“It’s a bug!”
>A bug?
>How long was he listening to you in the kitchen?


“What do you mean?”
>Please don’t say he saw that Pinkie was actually a changeling
>“There are bugs inside the computer! Literal bugs! Jesus Christ, it’s so obvious!”
>Phew, that could have complicated things
>Plus you’d already ruled out sabotage
“What kind of bugs? And why Jesus? I haven’t heard of any ‘gods’ of computers.”
>“It’s probably moths, or flies, or something else that crawls into the computer and bridges exposed gaps with their bodies accidentally. They’d fall out whenever the board was under inspection! It was right in front of us! Oh god, I can’t believe we missed that!”
>He keeps bringing up ‘gods’ in an exclamatory manner
>*Bvvvvvvvmmmm*
>No time to think about that now; that changeling might have relayed an actual Pinkie Sense combo
“Spike! Spike, take a letter. Ask them if they’ve had a malfunction recently.”
>Spike brushes away the paper that was shielding his ears and retrieves a mostly blank piece of paper
>He rolls over to grab a ballpoint pen, quickly writes out a letter, and sends it without saying a word
>You look back to Jon
“So now what? What do we do if it’s not this?”
>“We quit. It has to be this. We’ve exhausted so many possibilities that I’d just give up if it’s not this.”
“I’m all for that. I just want to get back to the ‘internet.’”
>“What are you using it for?”
>*Bvvvmmm*


“I’ve been using it almost exclusively for Canterlot Computer research since I got the letter about how I might not be able to go home. I'll probably use it for ‘Wikipedia’, the free stuff on ‘Google Books,’ and ‘the Gutenberg Project’ once we give up. Also a bit of the ‘Global Security’ ‘website’ so I can understand how humans fight wars.”
>“What were those last two websites?”
“A massive, free library and an encyclopedia of military equipment.”
>“Why study military equipment? Did Jake recommend that?”
“Yes, he did. Thankfully, this was BEFORE I got the news that I might never go home, and I did ask him for something along these lines. I want to know how to survive if I ever come up against such things because they’re honestly terrifying. Jake’s under the impression that I’d be less frightened by human weaponry if I understood how it functions.”
>Spike rolls onto his back
>*Buuurp*
>That was a fast reply
>Sounds like a small one as well
>You levitate it in front of you, but don’t break eye contact with Jon just yet
“It’s not really working. Knowing that humans put so much work into designing efficient ways to kill eachother as opposed to fixing the problems that make them use those devices is more disheartening than anything else. Alright, let’s see what this is…”


Twilight,

Your timing couldn’t be better. We had to shut down the computer seconds ago due to a malfunction.

Canterlot Computer Chief Engineer Square Root


“It just broke again.”
>“Excellent. Let’s give them a revised troubleshooting procedure that tells them what they ought to be looking for.”
>Now Jon scribbles out a quick letter and hands it to Spike
>*Fwoosh*
>Now we play the waiting game
>Jon goes back to his desk and has a seat
>You take a seat among the countless scraps of paper, because who knows how long this will take
>Jon reclines in his chair, then speaks to no one in particular
>“A radar operator.”
>This must be a thought that spilled out of his mouth
>If he’s not keeping it to himself, and you have nothing better to do…
“A ‘radar’ operator?”
>“Yes. During World War Two. I’m thinking about what you just said.”
“I’m not following your train of thought.”
>“A lot of the technology we have today is a product of advancements made in World War Two and the Cold War.”
“Still having trouble following you.”
>“Have you looked into the origin of the microwave oven yet?”
“No. I’ve been meaning to.”


>“I’ll save you the trouble. A Raytheon engineer by the name of Percy Spencer was working on a radar magnetron when he noticed the chocolate bar in his pocket melting. He left, came back with some popcorn kernels, and they popped after he left them by the magnetron. He tried the same with a magnetron that discharges into a closed metal box, trapping the electromagnetic waves, and it only worked better. Before that, all microwave energy did was blind birds that sat too close to the radar arrays by heating up the insides of the birds’ eyes.”
“So the ‘microwave’ oven is a military product?”
>“About as much as the internet is.”
“The ‘internet’ is a military product?!”
>“It was invented by a military. Why, are you going to stop using it?”
>That’s a dirty conversational trick
>You’re more than a little upset that Jon would pull this on you, as well as everyone else holding this information aw-
>Okay, no, you’re just upset at him for pulling this on you
>You’re a bit upset at yourself for not doing research on this now that it’s so effortless
“…It’s too useful to give up.”
>“I should hope you’d say the same of me and my desire to kill rabbits.”
>Now that’s a real dirty trick
>Wait, how did he hear of that?
>Nevermind
>Might as well get to the bottom of his obsession with this rabbit problem


“Why do you keep obsessing about those rabbits?”
>“You’d be upset too if you’d planted a garden and fenced it off only to have rabbits find a way in and chew through the stems on your beanstalks. Stupid little things.”
“They ate the stems?”
>“Sure did.”
“Wow, that’s actually a pretty jerk move. Not worthy of killing them, but I guess that wouldn’t be as bad since they don’t have much in the way of intelligence.”
>“Why is it not as bad if they’re not smart?”
“No, I mean the Equestrian definition of intelligence and sentience. They could be geniuses for all I care. If they can’t interact peacefully, something ought to be done about them. Killing them still seems a bit extreme to me.”
>“Damn things breed too much. Someone’s got to kill them.”
>This line of conversation is going nowhere pleasant
“What was it you were saying about the ‘internet’ being a military product?”
>“The pre-internet ‘ARPAnet’ was made by researchers under the jurisdiction of the US military. IBM supplied punch-card machines that helped conduct the censuses used to round up Jews in Nazi Germany. GPS satellites guide bombs and cars. I can’t imagine where we’d be without a military industrial complex. So many civilian products have history that intertwines with war.”


“Human history is a violent thing, from what I’ve seen. I’m not surprised that war has such a strong influence.”
>“Did I ever tell you about how there were components for a Norden Bombsight in the MIT workshop when I was studying for my degree? I don’t know where they got it from, but it was a bit of outdated World War Two aerial bombing equipment, probably surplus or scrap. Wheels, springs, and dials that could aim a bomb from 50,000 feet into a pickle barrel... I can only aspire to the mechanical genius that created it.”
“I’m sure it’s an impressive device, but I can’t condone its purpose. What practical use could an aiming device like that have outside of war?”
>“That actually reminds me of how you asked about Morse Code. Samuel Morse didn’t invent it for military use, but it’s probably seen more military use than civilian.”
“Weren’t you going to tell me what that is?”
>“It’s sort of like binary communication. It’s a one-button system that has an alphabet of different combinations of long and short button presses. Not very efficient, but it’s spectacular for something that was invented over 150 years ago and is still in use today.”
>There’s another strange coincidence
“That sounds an awful lot like how Equestrian typewriters work…”
>Jon leans forward in interest
>“It does?”


“Yeah, except it’s a two-button system instead of one button with two functions. The typewriters themselves are mechanically similar to the ‘bomb sight’ you just described. Most clockmakers can make typewriters, but the alphabet code isn’t standardized and you’d have to learn it all over again if you’re using a typewriter made by somep0ny other than your usual clockmaker. They’re only popular amongst sloppy writers.”
>“I take it you never learned to use one?”
“Never bothered.”
>“I don’t blame you. There’s no point in a system like that if it’s not accepted by more than a few people. The only reason I use the US system of measurement is because I grew up with it. I hear that even the US military prefers the Metric system, and it’s not like they’re separate from our country.”
“I sincerely hope you’re not trying to get me to like war. Bloodshed is inherently wrong.”
>“Oh no, of course I’m not! I know what war does to people. It’s horrible.”
>It occurs to you that you don’t actually know that much about your hosts personally
>Jon could be a hardened killer, and you’d never have known
“Have you been to war? Did you fight?”
>“I nearly got drafted during the Vietnam War, but no. My father is the reason I know what war is like.”


>That’s a small relief
“So he’s the one who fought?”
>“No. He served stateside in World War Two at a military hospital.”
“How, then? How do you know what war is like if neither you nor your father participated in combat?”
>“It’s the people he had to treat. Most of them were emotional wrecks. Being around them all the time, he didn’t fare much better. He developed a habit of drinking just to cope with his job. Not drunkenness, mind you. Just… he always got ‘buzzed’ after he got home for the day. My most vivid memory is of him with a glass of red wine sparkling in the evening sun, held up to the sky in his outstretched arm. He’s smiling and saying ‘vino!’ like the drink was something to be admired. I never want to end up depending on-”
>*BuUUUURRRRpp*
>You weren’t expecting a reply this soon
>Jon gets out of his chair in anticipation
>It looks like it’s royally sealed, and you definitely weren’t expecting that
>Two possibilities: this is either extremely good news or extremely bad news
>Spike catches the letter and unrolls it before you can take it
>Whatever the letter says, Spike seems to think it’s funny
>“Oh wow. OH WOW. I can’t wait to see that picture.”
“What’s it say?”
>“See for yourselves.”
>He holds the letter in front of himself for Jon and you to read


My faithful student,

In all my centuries, I’ve never seen so many hooves, paws, claws, and talons on so many faces, my own
included. The scientific capital of the world is currently the facehoof capital of the world. We’ve all read
the technical documentation you’ve sent to us, and they contained the word “bug” in reference to
computer faults. My commendations to Jon for being the one to finally solve this problem.

Representative Ma Yu Zhe sends his apologies for coming to a premature conclusion regarding our
ability to rescue you. I hope you forgive him, as he seems legitimately penitent.


Get some R&R. You’ve earned it.
Princess Celestia


P.S. I’ve just learned that Discord took a picture for posterity. I must have missed the sound of the
shutter over the thunderous noise of countless forelimbs ending up on their owners’ faces. I’ll see if I
can get a copy to you, but for now you’ll just have to imagine a Steppes Griffon hovering over the
circuitry with a charred housefly in her talon. The words “Ya nashel oshibku!” (“I’ve found a bug!”) have
barely left her beak as a hundred, then a thousand, then five thousand scientists and both Princesses of
Equestria find that even geniuses make dumb mistakes sometimes. I’m going to personally ensure this
picture gets into every illustrated history text.


>It’s fixed
>IT’S FIXED!
>AND YOU GET TIME TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!
“YES! The Sisyphean task is complete!”
>You turn to Jon, nearly hugging him but then thinking better of it
>Instead, you extend a single forehoof to him for a hoof/handshake
“We did it. YOU did it. Put ‘er there.”
>He takes a moment to figure out what your intention is, then grasps your forehoof firmly and gives a few strong shakes
>You’re still not comfortable with the idea of touching a human
>Can’t let that ruin the moment
“Jon, you are going to go down in Equestrian history.”
>He’s flustered, and understandably so, letting go of your hoof to nervously scratch the side of his greying beard
>“I… I suppose I ought to feel honored.”
>You decide to get some questions answered to give him a larger blurb in whatever history text this ends up in
>Time to put what you learned in ‘Noteworthy’s Interviewing Tips for Novice News Reporters’ to use
“Tell me, what are you planning to do now that we’ve completed the Canterlot Computer?”
>“Probably get back to editing videos, working on bikes, and doing legal consultation, I guess. There are a few lawyers that I need to get back in touch with.”
“If you could summarize what you’re thinking in two sentences or less, what would those sentences be?
>“I feel ashamed for thinking so practically, but what do I get from this? I’ve accumulated so much knowledge and documentation that I can’t share with anyone else on Earth.”


>The train of excitement just slammed on its brakes and ground to a sparking stop
“Uh…”
>“We’ve also spent quite a bit on you, and it’s only going to increase in the next… what did Pinketty say? Five to twenty years?”
>And also that there’s a grave threat to civilization, which is all but confirmed not to be a false alarm unless your friends are wrong
>There’s also the mystery of how your friends could have possibly sent you here
>The train of excitement is reversing at three kilometers per hour on the same track as the train of celebration, which is traveling forward at a speed of forty kilometers per hour fifteen kilometers behind the first train
>Solve for time until impact, ignoring the length of both trains and possibility of braking
“Well… I don’t know, we’ll think of something. Celestia gave you her commendations. I doubt she’d stop at that, being a living embodiment of Harmony.”
>“What could she possibly give us? If we get money, it would look like laundering.”
>A good question
>Simple, but it doesn’t have an answer
>That seems to be par for the course
“I’m sure we’ll think of something. For now, you don’t have me pestering you, and you’ve gained two friends.”
>“I’ve been chatting with Markus for some time now, but who else?”
“Me! How could I not like you for helping us like this?”


#IRCAddamsLocal
Server time 5/22/2013, 20:07

20:07:22@Basement: Five to twenty years.
20:07:30@JonDesktop: Are we talking about when I retire, when Jake moves out, or when you go home?
20:07:31@Basement: Any of the above. Mostly about going home. It’s not forever, but… five to twenty years.
20:07:39@JakeLaptop: Did you hear back about that qilin you mentioned at dinner?
20:07:42@Basement: She’s recovering. Thankfully, that wasn’t the sort of spell that you have to put all of the energy into at the start. Those are the ones that are possible to over-commit to and hurt yourself. This one was the kind that requires a constant stream of magic, so she just knocked herself out and fell over, breaking the stream.
20:07:44@Basement: Five to twenty years, though. It’s not all the time in the world, but that’s more than enough time for me to get work done.
20:07:49@JonDesktop: I’m glad and all, but that’s a really long time. Spike is just a child, right?
20:07:53@Basement: Oh… I did not consider that. Good thing that he can’t have a growth spurt like the one he did last year. He got to adult size in less than a day because he tripped his hoarding instinct too soon and nearly wrecked a neighborhood in instinctive rage.


20:07:57@Basement: Have I mentioned that draconic brain structure is really strange? Because it is. They’re essentially born callosotomized and have two separate brains until the age of four, at which point their callosum forms and begins to connect the brains. Counterintuitive as it might seem, this actually makes dragons immune to seizures and promotes long term neural development, which is necessary for such a large skull.
20:08:01@JonDesktop: How large will Spike grow?
20:08:02@Basement: Big. Very big. He’ll probably be growing three hooves a year by the time he reaches 20 years old.
20:08:03@Basement: Just to clear up any confusion, hooves are a figure of measurement.
20:08:05@Basement: It’s about six inches or 15 centimeters. I prefer to use feet or meters because they don’t imply species.
20:08:07@Basement: I could probably learn a spell that compresses him to a more manageable size. Harmlessly, of course. He might weigh too much to go upstairs, but he won’t take up all of the basement.
20:08:11@JakeLaptop: Shrinking? Please tell me you’d never do that to me.
20:08:14@Basement: Not without your permission. Spells like that have to be renewed, anyway, so you probably wouldn’t be stuck like that if we decided to do some experiments regarding the effects of magic on humans. (Wink wink, nudge nudge, I need a test subject to volunteer.)
20:08:17@JonDesktop: Good god, you type fast. I’m starting to get self-conscious.


20:08:20@Basement: Don’t. You have to use your hands. I can’t stress this enough: I AM TYPING WITH MY MIND AND IT FEELS SO GOOD! It’s like this computer is an extension of my brain, and the internet is a gateway to all of human knowledge! I AM THE SMARTEST PONY TO EVER LIVE!
20:08:21@Basement: Or at least I am when the page will load. This “Deviant Art” website is so unreliable. What a killjoy.
20:08:22@Basement: Oh, and which god, if you don’t mind me asking?
20:08:29@JonDesktop: Christian Abrahamic. My great uncle was a preacher back in the days before loudspeakers or amplification. Few men could fill a room with their voice like he could.
20:08:29@JakeLaptop: You’re not missing much. Go check Wikipedia for a list of the classical artists.
20:08:30@Basement: Will do, Jake. Didn’t you say you’d get me some music and your philosophy textbook?
20:08:38@JakeDesktop: You can find most of the music on Youtube. As for the philosophy, look up ‘Vice and Virtue in Everyday Life’ and do a web search for the writings in its table of contents.
20:08:40@Basement: Oh right, duh. I’m independent now. Thanks for the computer, by the way.
20:08:42@Basement: I was thinking of skipping the classical music section since it’s what’s usually on the radio. Are there any pieces I absolutely need to hear that I probably haven’t heard yet?


20:08:52@JonDesktop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n82l3rEQSWk Tchaikovsky wrote this to memorialize the battle which signaled the beginning of the end of the Napoleonic Empire. The percussion section is very memorable.
20:08:54@Basement: Thank you Jon, Jake. Thus begins my cultural metamorphosis into a human. If I’m going to be here a while, it would happen anyway. I might as well go willingly…
20:09:01@JakeLaptop: You’re not considering literally becoming a human, are you?
20:09:04@Basement: My magic isn’t nearly reliable enough for something that complicated. A body-altering spell isn’t beyond my capabilities, but cellular plasticity only gives so much room for error. With my magic not working right, I’d probably end up injuring myself, or worse. Even if I could get the spell right, what would I do with my horn? I’d never give up my horn!
20:10:05@Basement: I’ve found a gallery website.
20:11:29@Basement: Listening to orchestral music while browsing fine art. It’s hard to feel classier than this if I ignore the fact that human orchestral music is incredibly similar to Equestrian orchestral music. This picture of Napoleon on a horse, though… yuck. Equines should not look like that or be ridden like that. That riding equipment looks both painful and insulting.


20:15:22@Basement: There are some impressive works here, but what’s up with Frida Kahlo’s unibrow?
20:15:30@JakeLaptop: What the fuck IS up with her unibrow? I never understood that either.
20:15:35@ElizaLaptop: Watch your language.
20:15:40@JakeLaptop: Sorry, mom.
20:20:09@Basement: Memorable, indeed! Are those explosions?!
20:20:22@JonDesktop: Tchaikovsky’s original arrangement calls for blank-loaded cannons. The crescendo is a thing of legend.
20:20:30@Basement: Is this the only piece of human orchestral music that does this, or have I somehow missed all the other ones that use gunpowder for percussion?
20:20:37@JonDesktop: No, it’s just this one.
20:20:39@Basement: I HAVE to listen to the rest of this. It’s so unique! So human! I’d thought all human orchestral music was similar to Equestrian orchestral, but this? It’s insane, and I think I like it!
20:20:44@JonDesktop: A popular opinion among most people of Tchaikovsky’s time.
20:20:46@Basement: I’ll hazard a guess and say that another popular opinion was “won’t someone think of the poor eardrums that will have to endure this level of volume?”
20:20:59@JonDesktop: If they thought that then, they certainly don’t think it anymore. Trust me. I was a rock band’s bassist back when I was earning my degree in audio engineering.



Part 4

>Monday, May 27, 11:40pm
>Year 22 and ‘LAUREN FAUST IS ON 4CHAN GUYS OMG’ on Earth
>You are Jake Addams
>You’re going to bed now
>Eliza’s already in bed and trying to sleep
>It’s getting late, and the modem will be off soon
>Shame about that, because Faust just came to /mlp/ and is distracting everyone from their usual discussions of crotchboobs, satyrs, and >rape BY BEING ON /mlp/ OMG YOU GUYS SHE LIKES US MORE THAN PONYCHAN
>She’s giving her two cents about how weird the Equestria Girls toys look and answer questions about the show
>Her two cents are “I drew this picture of myself as The Incredible Hulk because this shit upsets me” (paraphrased)
>It’ll probably be there in the morning because it’s stickied, so you close your laptop and sit up on the edge of your bed
>Those toys, holy shit
>They make the character design for the actual movie look realistic, even masculine by comparison
>The movie’s designs have weird gangly limbs and bobble heads, they exclusively wear short skirts and knee-high boots, and their waists are as thin as 2-liter soda bottles
>And THOSE look masculine by contrast to the toys
>Lauren’s idea of FiM being a show with a subtext of gender equality clashes with that, so she’s venting to a sympathetic audience
>Quite a few people are agreeing with her
>Everyone else is either thanking her for coming up with a good concept for a franchise reboot, trolling her, or asking questions about what she intended for the show


>It just goes to show that Hasbro’s toy department is completely divorced from the cartoon-makers
>It also goes to show what sixty year old executives think six year old girls want
>Generally, six year old girls want whatever their friends want, and that’s generally what’s advertised to them by sixty year old executives
>Oh capitalism, you so crazy
>Crazy’s also a good way to describe the design decisions for the recently announced Xbox One
>It won’t work unless it connects to the internet once every 24 hours, it requires the Kinect camera to be plugged in at all times, it has NO GAEMS, the DRM won’t let you share the NO GAEMS, and its killer app is “it’s kind of like a cable box that also does Skype and Internet Explorer”
>So it’s basically what some disconnected engineers and designers THINK people want instead of what people actually want
>And the AP phone records controversy is still going, so the fact that it has a camera and needs to connect to the internet every day has a been immediately associated with its potential for abuse
>If that’s not intentional, the people behind these ideas must have their heads so far up their asses that they’ll have stomach acid in their hair when they finally pull out
>Seriously, what cave would they have to live in to think this is a good idea?


>Even the ‘Cave of Knowledge’ is more connected than wherever those bumblefucks are living, and you’ve screened around 500 web pages and hundreds of thousands of lines of HTML each day
>Nothing’s gotten through
>At least you think you haven’t let anything through
>Unless Celestia told Twilight about Equestria Girls, that ‘metamorphosis’ exchange in IRC was just a coincidence (at least that’s what you tell yourself)
>It’s reassuring to see what you made working, especially since it’s %90 someone else’s work and you don’t understand half of it
>Learning a new programming language and compiling a list of just about everything associated with MLP:FiM, then adding exceptions and rules like “rarity +nightmare +unicorn” and “twilight -vampire -vampires +sparkle” isn’t exactly an easy task when you give yourself less than a week to do it
>Learning VB helped, but the only real thing you managed to do was to find where to type what you want excluded
>For the most part, though, the program just watches and waits
>It gets a few false alarms, but that’s better than letting something through that it shouldn’t


>Twilight’s internet and search history are profoundly boring
>She’s done her homework about internet safety
>Twilight’s never gone to a seedy site, only clicked on an ad once, and usually has the ad-blocker on
>That one ad was for custom mouth guards
>No clue as to why she’d be interested in those
>She’s not doing contact sports, and she would have mentioned if she clenched and ground her teeth in her sleep
>It shall forever remain a secret from you
>In any case, that’s the only interesting thing she’s ever done
>Wikipedia and some sites from the articles’ references all day, music in a separate tab if the mood suits her, and occasionally stopping to read an online book
>She’s totally neglecting Global Security’s website
>You were kind of hoping for her to be comically inept, but that’s obviously not the case
>Monitoring her nonstop use of the internet is one of the most boring things you could spend time on
>And it is nonstop
>She’s actually blowing off the movies you had planned for her in favor of internetting
>It’s tempting to pull the plug on her and force her upstairs, but that could get ugly
>Just sit back and let the computer do the dull, dirty, dangerous work of keeping Twilicorn from doing something Celestia and Luna don’t want her to


>Speaking of sunbutt and moonbutt, Twilight got you ‘Division to Diarchy: Every Event Equestria Has Encountered’
>The first thing you did when you got it was to flip through it for a message from Celestia and Luna
>Page 307 had one
>All it said was ‘Apology accepted. There is another message inside of Twilight’s spellbooks that will explain our reasoning for this.’
>The way you see it, there are three ways you could get to those books
>Twilight might give them to you if you just ask
>That’s worth a shot
>Failing that, you could either take the books while she’s not looking or you could volunteer to be her guinea pig
>Both of those options have a serious risk of being hit with a spell that might have permanent, irreversible effects that would make a normal life impossible
>Telekinesis is fine, but the really weird stuff that can be done with magic freaks you out
>Spike agreed to go from ‘thigh high’ to ‘ankle high’ for a couple hours to get his grounding shortened
>He ended up as ‘toe high’ and lost somewhere in the house
>You actually stepped on him without realizing it


>Fortunately for the two of you, it was like stepping on a Lego
>There was no give, no crunch, and no tears shed by the alicorn in the basement
>Twilight actually thanked you for “finding” him
>Well, it was fortunate for Spike, because you weren’t wearing shoes and it hurt like FUCK
>He said it hurt too, but your foot doesn’t have pointy bits
>Twilight took this as an opportunity to explain that he’d retained all of his mass with a smaller volume
>She then attempted to demonstrate by physically carrying him to somewhere he wouldn’t get lost
>She literally could not lift him without magic
>Then she came back to explain how surface area, volume, and mass are all related by the square-cube law, and how compressing or expanding the distance between molecules can cause similar effects to shrinking and growing without some of the biological weirdness that goes along with the ratios
>The gist of it was that Spike was an inch tall yet still weighed about 70-something pounds and had become nearly invulnerable to physical harm
>You didn’t catch much of it because you were too busy whispering words that she doesn’t want Spike to learn and bandaging the gash on your foot
>That’s twice that Spike’s inadvertently crippled you
>He’s a good kid, but he’s not that smart and he’s incredibly accident prone
>And he’s going to be here for five to twenty more years
>Better than forever, but not much


>Don’s been wondering why you need programs to spy on people, and Evan’s starting to question your excuse about Eliza babysitting for the neighbors
>If this keeps up, Twilight and Spike will have to go public and you’ll have to face the consequences
>Disaster already has a foot in the door
>It doesn’t need a reason to come in
>The way this history book presents it, it looks like the time immediately after the end of the Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant’s storyline was incredibly volatile
>In their case, disaster had a hoof in the door
>The three tribes had to cooperate or risk that area of the planet becoming an ice-desert
>Before this, windigoes had been rare because all the species begrudgingly didn’t fight over anything
>The Pegasi Empire had an agreement to not let weather run rampant over the other two tribes’ areas or “accidentally” send storms their way in exchange for goods and favors, effectively subjugating both of the other tribes
>The earth ponies liked this because it meant regular rainfall for farming, but the unicorns thought of it more as a luxury and just wanted the farmers to have food when it was needed
>The griffon clans and minotaurs’ empire didn’t need or didn’t want weather control from the pegasi
>For the most part, everyone kept to themselves


>Borders were drawn along the lines of species and geography
>The earth ponies’ tribal area was the only real area of interaction where they all could mingle
>Unicorns came there from the west, pegasi from the south, and Griffons came there from the north and east
>The minotaurs in the southeast balked at the idea of exchanging autonomy for a service the griffons could already provide
>Asking for trade goods from the pre-Saddle Arabian nomads was a much better deal, in the minotaurs’ minds
>Most of the trade the minotaurs conducted with ponies was through griffon intermediaries, and the griffons considered the minotaurs to be intermediaries for trade with the nomadic clans of ‘The Dunes-land’
>The species and tribes all had separate languages, but language tended to coalesce along trade routes
>The earth p0nies that did business with the pegasi ended up speaking something that looks a bit like Italian or Spanish, the ones doing business with unicorns spoke something similar to Gaelic, and the ones that did business with the griffons spoke what Jon said are old versions of German and French
>In the middle, it was Dutch
>So…roughly the same arrangement as western Europe, except France is somewhere else
>You can kind of see where Twilight’s coming from with this talk of weird similarities now


>The arrangement was more or less stable, but griffons started infringing upon the pegasi’s weather control deal with the earth p0nies because of convenience issues
>One side of the tribal area is closer to the Griffons’ territory, so it seemed like a good idea
>It was not a good idea
>Commander Hurricane came from a family of generals that had militarized pegasus society in order to protect everyone from the wildlife
>He was the one in power, and he apparently thought of politics like it was a game of Risk
>He was losing that game
>His family had overextended their domain by trying to sustain weather control over the Zebras’ Usio Tambarare, nearly splintering the empire with its sheer size
>The Empire had already scaled back enough for him to be uncomfortable
>Surrendering an inch of anywhere he considered to be part of the Pegasi Empire was not going to happen on his watch
>So he had his forces shoo off the “invaders” who were making much more reasonable demands in exchange for controlling the weather
>Some of the griffons didn’t get the message the first time
>Those ones got roughed up, then shooed off
>A few griffons didn’t get the message that time, either
>Those ones got impaled with javelins
>It’s satisfying to have called Twilight out on her shit about p0nies being better than humans, but a little part of you feels sad to know that this sort of thing happened in such a colorful and idyllic world


>Several unnecessary deaths later, the griffons stopped coming
>Commander Hurricane had the northeast mountains fortified in case the griffon clans decided to unite and seize the land on account of “Commander Hurricane is a dick and can go suck one, too”
>But that didn’t happen
>Probably because the Tundra Clan of griffons didn’t like the idea of their Viking-like society having to do ice fishing every month of the year
>The earth p0nies felt like this wasn’t fair, and the resulting civil unrest caused the Pegasi Empire’s breadbasket to freeze anyway
>Pegasi weather control couldn’t get rid of the cold weather, and that only escalates the situation
>It was a literal snowball effect
>Food dwindles, p0nies argue, shit goes south
>Cue season 2, episode 13
>A few months of political impasse, freezing, starvation, and all those things that make MLP a kid’s show later, the Pegasi had lost control over the other two tribes
>Independently, they all migrated west into Buffalo territory, then united under the flag of the newly founded Equestria once they realized that their political bullshit was causing a blizzard in July there, too
>The pegasi gave up their leading role to join a three-way power sharing council that later developed into the Canterlot Legislative Branch
>It looked like a false start until it actually worked


>The buffaloes were cool with having others live on their land as long as the p0nies didn’t kick them out, take the buffaloes’ shit, or pretend the buffaloes were under their rule
>Buffaloes are nomadic, anyway, so the idea of a neighboring tribe moving in wasn’t all that alarming to them
>The p0ny tribes started to interbreed, their languages started to merge, and mixed-tribe towns were established about fifty years after the migration
>Prior to that, the council of the three tribes tried to stay separated, but this only led to more chilly weather
>Eventually, everyp0ny was united and living in Harmony
>The book always has a capital ‘H’ on that word, no idea why
>There must be something you’re missing
>But anyway, everyp0ny was living in capital ‘H’ Harmony, things were looking up, and the old tribal areas were starting to return to windigo-less weather
>Then Discord came and fucked shit up
>He’d been sitting off to the side this whole time with a bucket of popcorn, waiting for things to go bad again
>Yes, he literally had a bucket of popcorn
>But it didn’t go bad again


>According to eyewitness accounts, he went to storm out of the theater and demand a refund for having to sit through a story with such an unsatisfying ending, then realized he wasn’t in a theater and he could make his own refund if he fucked shit up
>So Discord fucked shit up and declared himself the king of Equestria because he’s Discord
>That’s all you’ve read so far
>And for the record, that wasn’t exactly 1000 years ago
>The migration was closer to 1600 years ago, and Discord started fucking shit up around 1530 years ago
>1000 sounds cooler, though
>And that’s how Equestria was made, and then subsequently unmade
>The next part is about how Celestia and Luna came and remade Equestria to be a place of Harmony
>Why do they keep using a capital ‘H?’
>The cultural guide you got for your birthday didn’t say anything about this
>It just had a bunch of notable holidays and events and stuff, as well as a general idea of how each species lives
>Harmony isn’t a proper noun to them, right?
>Whatever
>You’ll find out later
>Right now, you want some ice cream 
>Ever since the doctor said you lost all that weight, mom’s been poking you to eat more
>That’s not the sort of thing you need to be told twice
>You get up from your bed and hobble to the kitchen
>Once you’re there, you check the fridge for snacks mom might have got for you
>It was cheesecake yesterday
>Today, it’s nothing
>Dad’s switched from soy milk to almond milk, so that’s sort of exciting in a not-exciting way


>Moving down to the freezer, you find the ‘chocolate and peanut butter cup peanut butter swirl’ ice cream
>And there’s some left, because Spike’s not off his grounding until tomorrow
>You feel bad for putting him through this, but still sort of angry
>It has to get drilled into him that doing anything to reveal himself to the outside world is a really fucking terrible idea, and this is the way to do it
>You pull the tub of guilt-laced ice cream out of the freezer and stick it in the microwave for a quick thaw
>As you set the timer, you hear dad coming out of his office
>You hit the start button and see if you can get the scoop, bowl, and spoon before the microwave is done
>Twenty five seconds remaining
>Turn around, see Jon leaning on office door frame, proceed to cabinets
“Hi, dad.”
>“I was about to turn off the modem for the night. Do you need it for anything?”
>Open misc. utensils drawer, retrieve ice cream scoop
>Ninteen seconds
“No, I’m good.”
>“How’s your foot?”
>Open cabinet, retrieve bowl
“It’s feeling better. Spike’s spikes were barely large enough to pierce my skin.”
>“I talked to Twilight earlier. She said she might be able to heal it.”
>Eleven seconds
“I think I’ll just put antibiotic on the wound and wait, thanks.”
>“Suit yourself.”
>Retrieve spoon from dish rack
>Seven seconds
>“Or ‘Suture Self: The DIY Surgery Kit.’ I ought to see if that’s trademarked.”
“Ha ha.”
>Lay them all out on the table, and
>*Beep, beep, beeeep*


>Midnight snack is rea-
>No, wait, this spoon is still dirty with caked-on peanut butter
>Spike’s not being as thorough with his dishwashing
>Maybe it’s passive aggressiveness, maybe it’s coincidence
>You’re not going to hold it against him because at least he’s doing his job
“Hey dad, have you been eating peanut butter straight from the jar again?”
>“Should I not?”
“It’s weird.”
>“That reason’s never stopped me from doing something before.”
>You pick up the dirty spoon and put it in the sink, then search for a clean one
“How about ‘other people want to use it for sandwiches, and you eat way too much?’”
>“I didn’t touch the Nutella we got so we could send it to Pinko.”
“Pinkie.”
>“Yes, that one.”
>Clean spoon, clean spoon…
>There’s one
>You put it in the place of the dirty spoon on the table
>“Markus says that she’s helping to liven up the mood in Canterlot. Penk… whatever her name is-”
“Pinkie.”
>“That one. She sounds like she really knows how to make friends. Markus is talking about her almost as much as he’s saying he thinks Cape Cod sounds like a nice place, and he really likes what I’ve told him about Cape Cod.”
>Why is he talking about Pinkie?
“Oh?”
>“Security in the castle got raised recently. He said she didn’t just keep the mood from getting worse because of that, but she actually improved it.”
“Sounds nice.”


>There’s a reason for this
>He just needs to stop beating around the bush
>You walk over to the microwave and pull out the tub of ice cream
“Why are you bringing this up?”
>“I just wanted to see how the plan for making friends with Twilight is coming along.”
>Oh
>That figures
“You’re friends with her. Why don’t you tell me?”
>“Because I want to know how you’re doing with that plan.”
>You put the tub of ice cream next to the bowl and start scooping
“Mission complete. She’s got a friend.”
>“No, I mean how you’re doing at becoming one of her friends. She’s still stressed about something, and I can’t get her to open up.”
>You put the tub of ice cream down on the table and start scooping
“I’m not sure, but I think there’s something happening in Equestria that she doesn’t want us to know about. One of the letters she got from Pinkie had a thing saying that there were hidden messages in the other letters her friends have sent her.”
>“It could be some game she’s playing with her friends.”
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
>“Do you not want to find out?”
“I don’t want to be the one who has to ask her. She’s powerful and emotionally volatile. That’s not a combination I’m comfortable with.”
>Jon pulls up a chair next to the spot your bowl is at as you close the tub of ice cream
>“Jake, you’re creating a paper tiger. She wouldn’t hurt us.”


“When she’s not stranded on a planet where she thinks everything is going to kill her, maybe.”
>You put the scoop in the sink and return the ice cream to its home in the freezer before taking a seat for yourself
>“I’m not even sure she can hurt us. The way I understand it, magic works by altering the magic in an object using a unicorn’s own magic. If humans don’t have any magic, she might not be able to use it on us.”
>Wait, can she not do that?
“Has she ever used magic on you?”
>“Never.”
>Okay, that’s kind of comforting
“Has she ever said that it wouldn’t work on humans?”
>“I don’t recall.”
>Not as comforting
>“Either way, Eliza and I are both going to be out next weekend. She’s got a religious retreat to go to and I need to go to Arizona to look at a crash scene for a lawyer.”
>Even less comforting
“You’re going to leave me alone with them?”
>“They’re FINE. Look, I used to be a little frightened by Twilight’s magic because I thought it was weird and it didn’t make sense. Now that it makes some sense to me, I just think it’s weird. She’s different. That’s all.”
“I hope you’re right.”


>Jon stands up and pushes his chair back in
>“I’m going to turn off the modem and go to bed now. Good night.”
“Good night.”
>He then goes to join his wife in bed (in a totally non-sexual way because she’s been asleep for about an hour)
>You sit there finishing your ice cream and waiting for purple pone to come upstairs
>A couple minutes later, you hear the basement door open
>Hooves are clacking their way down the hall accompanied by Twilight enunciating something just loud enough for you to hear
>“Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,/Who is already sick and pale with grief/That thou her maid art far more fair than she.”
>She has been reading her Shakespeare
>You don’t memorize her internet history, so you’re not sure which play that is
“Which one is that?”
>Twilight peeks into the kitchen
>“‘Romeo and Juliet!’ Don’t tell me you made me read that play before you’ve read it yourself!”
“I would, but I promised to be honest. All I know is the Sparknotes version of it.”
>“And now that I know what Sparknotes is, I can say that I know that niche of your culture even better than you do.”
>Her tongue comes out and gives a *plbbbbt* in your direction
>You’ll let her pat herself on the back for that because that was sort of cute
>Can p0nies even reach their own backs with their hooves?
>Nevermind, that’s a stupid question
“Any questions about the story?”


>“No. It’s a lot grimmer and bloodier than any love story I’ve heard before, but I guess Shakespeare was writing about the themes of his time.”
>You eat the last spoonful of ice cream
>“Y’know, if you replace the part about killing with banishment and take away the maid, that sort of matches up with the ‘Mare in the Moon’ story.”
“I haven’t read that far in the history book yet.”
>“How far have you gotten?”
>Standing and putting the bowl and spoon in the sink, you rinse them so the residual ice cream doesn’t cake on overnight
“Discord is being a jerk.”
>She steps fully into the kitchen, beaming with enthusiasm
>WOW is it nice to see her smiling again
>“Ah, you’re about to get to the exciting parts. Wait’ll you see the speech Sombra makes for his ‘empire.’ It’s one of the most one-sided and delusional arguments you’ll ever see.”
“It’s an argument? I thought it was a speech.”
>“It’s some of both. He’s ranting at Celestia and Luna as they corner him. I won’t spoil it for you.”
“Could you tell me the context, at least?”
>“Celestia and Luna personally have him cornered, as in they led the charge into the Crystal Empire and now they have him trapped and at their mercy. He says his part, then uses dark magic to make his whole empire disappear.”
“What do you mean by ‘at their mercy?’”
>“He’s practically goading Celestia into killing him. She probably should have.”


>Cue stock sound effects : Tires screeching to stop.mp3, record scratch.mp3, crowd gasp 5.mp3
>Layer them over each other, and you’ll have an audible representation of how you’re feeling about what Twilight said
“Wait, wait, hold up. Did you just approve of killing?!”
>“In Sombra’s case. He was almost mentally dead, and if Celestia had killed him then the Crystal Empire wouldn’t have disappeared.”
“Well, okay, but this is sort of a 180 from what I thought your opinion on the topic was!”
>Twilight serious’es slightly
>“Not really. He was an emperor, and he ruined hundreds of thousands of lives. Keep reading. You’ll find that Equestria does NOT take kindly to the concept of empires. That reminds me, actually, how is Star Wars in terms of child-appropriateness? A lot of the Disney movies don’t have what I’d consider to be child-appropriate themes. Let’s just say I’m glad I previewed Bambi.”
“That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You’re so squeamish about death, but his is fine?”
>Now she’s gone full serious
>“He was threatening to overthrow Celestia and Luna. Him. Threatening to overthrow the most Harmonious beings alive who brought Equestria together and imprisoned Discord. The Sisters thought that was wrong, and I’m inclined to agree with them. Even if he wasn’t evil, he’d be a step down from the Diarchy. Don’t mess with what’s already perfect.”
>This is clearly serious business for her
>Probably a good idea to change the subject or leave


“Uh… alright, I guess that’s justifiable and all. I wasn’t expecting it from you, though. Can I get past you? I’d like to brush my teeth…”
>“I was headed to do the same thing. Do you mind if I come with you?”
>Sort of
“I’m okay with that.”
>“Excellent!”
>And now she’s back to being all peppy?
>Dafuq is up with Purplesmart tonight?
>True to her word, Twilight follows you into the bathroom
>She levitates one of the gajillion cheap toothbrushes that your family gets at every dental visit and her tube of toothpaste to herself before she’s even in the room, then props herself up on the sink
>By the time you’ve got your electric toothbrush and toothpaste ready, she’s moved on to flossing
>Showoff
>She finishes quickly so she can speak to you while you brush
>“You know, I didn’t TOTALLY dislike that Harry Potter novel. It was actually somewhat digestible if I pretended the characters were unicorns… do you think Hermione would have a purple coat if she was a p0ny?”
>Shrug
>“Yeah, I couldn’t decide, either. I’ve been meaning to thank you for the list, by the way. I’ve been going through the music list in order. I’ve got to say, I wasn’t expecting too much when I first saw it. Most of the genres exist in Equestria, but what I’ve heard from the list so far is entertaining and very insightful.”


>You try to mumble “What have you heard?” past your buzzing toothbrush
>“I just finished the section on gospel. I thought it was interesting that ‘Down By The Riverside’ had a line about not practicing war anymore, but almost all the national anthems had lines that implied harm should be done to competing nations. Is there something I’m missing?”
>Shaking your head in reply and staying on one spot with your toothbrush is difficult, but you do it anyway
>“Alright, just checking. I REALLY don’t get your culture. What do you want? I mean collectively, as a species, what do humans want?”
>Mumbling “I dunno” comes out as “rYzikJhd”
>Twilight picks up on its meaning from the shrug that accompanies it
>“At least I'm not the only one who doesn't get it.”
>You motion towards the sink
>Twilight leans away to let you spit
“*Ptuh* We know our problems, but not what to do with ourselves. That’s why I’m hoping you can figure it out. You’re an outside observer. You might find the answers we’ve been missing. I can’t remember meeting anyone who could tell me what the meaning of life is, even though it’s so glaringly obvious.”
>She leans back onto the sink and gives you an incredulous look, and asks the obvious question in a tone that implies she’s expecting a ridiculous answer
>“Could YOU tell me the meaning of life?”


>You rinse off your toothbrush and give the ridiculous answer
“Procreate. Make more life, pass on good genes and perpetuate life for another generation. Repeat ad infinitum.”
>She raises a hoof and opens her mouth to retort, but nothing comes out
>Slowly, she lowers the hoof and looks away
>“…I was going to say that’s closer to the purpose of life, but that could be a semantic argument that could last until breakfast time. Besides, the answer is actually to live in Harmony.”
>You turn off the faucet and put down your brush
“What does that word mean? I keep seeing it with a capital ‘H’ in the book you got for me.”
>The hoof comes up again, as does the incredulous look and open mouth
>Instead of a repeat performance, she closes her mouth and slaps herself on the forehead
>“Duh. Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s when everyone is honest, loyal, generous, kind, full of laughter, and magical. Celestia and Luna were born from the desire for Harmony by p0nies under Discord’s rule, so we follow their lead because they’re the most connected to the idea of Harmony. Take out any of those components, and it should all fall apart. We also consider a society’s ability to live in harmony a decent indicator of whether they count as sentient. What it boils down to is that friendship is magic, and magic is what (figuratively and literally) makes the world go ‘round.”


>Ohhhhhh so that’s why Spike seemed to agree with Twilight saying “friendship is magic”
>‘Friendship is Magic’ is actually what they believe and Celestia and Luna are like their gods
>You swore you’d abandon headcanons, but that’s actually a good one
“Pardon me saying, but that sounds kind of like a religious philosophy.”
>She finally leans away from the sink
>“I guess you could think of it like that.”
>Sitting down on the edge of the tub, you’re left wondering why Twilight is being so nice all of a sudden
>That was exactly the opposite answer you expected from her
>The one you expected was something along the lines of “no you stupid human that’s all wrong”
>Except for that bit about empires being bad, she’s been unnaturally happy
>Seriously, dafuq is up with Purplesmart?
>“Needless to say, eating another living being doesn’t match the ‘kindness’ part of that philosophy, so griffons and omnivores are just over the borderline of sentience.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
>“Oh, no! No, it’s not. It’s just sort of an awkward situation griffons are in, being in a cold climate without any constructive magical abilities to help them grow crops. The Monsanto genetically modified organisms controversy in the news is making me consider looking into how humans breed their plants. It might help them cut back on their meat eating a bit, but I doubt they’d completely abandon omnivorism. Heck, there are a few p0nies who wouldn’t abandon omnivorism.”
“P0nies can eat meat?”


>“We can. It’s just a thing most of us don’t like to do. Choosing to be an omnivore if you don't biologically need to be one is usually frowned upon. Let me show you something.”
>She pulls out a piece of paper she was hiding under her wing and unrolls it for you


Hey Twilight,

I think I ought to let you know how things are going in Canterlot. Status: PARTY! The party that Pinkie’s
throwing right now is totally awesome! The new snacks she makes are awesome too, but it’s gonna bug
me later when I’m working off the empty calories. Fat is NOT aerodynamic. Anyway, just being a friend
who wants to keep you up to date on what’s happening at home. Your brother’s on duty, so I’m told.
Not sure if you’ve heard from him yet, so there’s that. At least I think that’s what they said. Getting truth
(or any reaction at all) out of the tight-lipped guards is a pain, as usual.


You think they’d trust THE Rainbow Dash by now.
Wait, I just wrote my name up there. Do I have to write it again?
Whatever, I’ll sign it. My autograph and hoofprint are going to be valuable someday.

Ʊ Rainbow Dash~

You’re welcome.


>“This is one of my pegasus friends. She’s a huge fitness freak, and she's got a rebellious streak that's as large as her ego. She swears by an omnivorous diet to help build muscle mass. Mostly seafood, probably because she used to be good friends with a griffon from one of the Equestrian-speaking areas of the Republic.”


>If there’s a hidden message here, you don’t see it
>In any case, she rolls it up and puts it back under her wing before you can take a second look
>Wait, was she carrying this the whole time just to pull it out and show you?
>“The reason I bring this up is because I’d like to do a blindfolded taste test of vegetarian and meat hot dogs. Now that I know I can eat animals relatively guilt fr-”
>Is that what this is?
>She’s just buttering you up
“Twilight, I’m going to smack you upside the head if you keep this up.”
>This shocks her out of whatever act she was trying to sell
>“What? What am I doing wrong?”
“Acting the way I want you to act.”
>“…There’s a problem with that?”
>Yes
“Changing yourself to make me happy won’t make me happy. You’re going home someday. Make sure you’re still the p0ny your friends recognize when you get back.”
>She deadpans her response without the slightest hint of sass
>“And what if that p0ny wants to incessantly criticize all the flaws of human society?”
“Tone that down and let me get a word in edgewise every now and then.”
>“…You know, you really remind me of my brother.”
“In a good way, or a bad way?”
>She smiles
>“In a good way.”
>There’s something so pleasant about that smile


>You just want to see her be happy
“Have I ever told you that you’ve got a nice smile?”
>“I, umm… Yeah, I think you have. Thanks.”
>She shifts around awkwardly
>GodThat’sCute.gif
>“I’d, uh, I’d be even happier if I had a volunteer for magic experiments. Would you do that for me?”
>It’s going to take more than a nice smile to have you be a guinea pig
>No
“Okay.”
>FUCK
>MOUTH, YOU HAD ONE JOB AND THAT JOB WAS TO SAY NO
>ARRRRRRRGH
>You’re inwardly fuming, but Twilight just let out a little squeal of delight and is completely oblivious to how conflicted you look
>“Perfect perfect perfect! Hold out your arm. I’m going to see if I can grab it.”
>You extend your left arm, because you figure that’s the one you’d miss least and you can’t really say no if she decides to grab it anyway
>“Okay, I’m going to have my eyes shut so I’m sure I can get the spell right. Hold completely still, and please tell me what’s happening.”
>She screws her eyes shut and her horn glows that bright magenta-ish color you’ve seen again and again, enveloped by a pulsating mass of magic
>Jon couldn’t have been more wrong


>A similar magenta amoeba is swallowing your forearm, giving it a feeling of weightlessness and pressure
>Somewhere in the lizard-brained instincts of your mind, there is a primal, panicked scream that you have to strangle in order to speak
“Uh… there looks like there’s magic on my arm. It feels tingly.”
>She blinks her eyes open to see, shutting them immediately
>“The tingling is natural. Don’t worry about shocks. I picked up both ends of a voltmeter with telekinesis and couldn’t get a reading. This should be completely safe.”
>This should be completely safe
>Famous last words
>Her horn’s glow intensifies slightly
>“I’m going to try pulling your arm twelve inches to your left. You’re going to feel a tugging sensation. Just relax and let it happen.”
>Against everything the back of your brain tells you to do, you leave your arm limp
>And then it starts moving, like gravity changed its mind and decided to go sideways
>NOPE
>NOPE
>ABANDON ALL NOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE
“Stop!”
>You spoke forcefully, but not loudly
>It’s enough to get Twilight’s attention and remove the blob of shouldn’t


>Her eyes snap open, her horn stops glowing, and she tries desperately to see everything at once
>“What happened? Tell me everything that happened!”
>You sigh and lower your head into your hands while staring at the floor
“It- it felt so WRONG. It felt like you said it would, but it just felt so uncomfortable that I couldn’t let you do it.”
>Twilight interrogates you with all the compassion of a laboratory technician taking samples from a petri dish
>“Please, describe the discomfort.”
“It didn’t hurt, it just felt… I don’t know, it felt like something that shouldn’t be happening.”
>“Interesting… would you say it was a psychosomatic response as opposed to an actual physical sensation?”
“I guess? It was too weird. I didn’t like it.”
>“‘Weird’ in what sense?”
“Like... I felt like screaming. I can’t describe it. It was just this feeling of intense dread and fear.”
>“Was it a fear of anything in particular?”
“No. It was… it was like half of my instincts were telling me to run away as fast as I can, but the other half were telling me I should give up because it would be pointless to run or fight.”
>“Was it a fear of me?”
>There’s no good answer to that
>All you can do is stare at the floor
>“Jake…”
>She actually sounds worried
>A soft clopping sound approaches on the linoleum
>Two lavender pillars appear in your upper peripheral vision


>“Jake, why are you afraid of me? I don’t know why I’d ever want to hurt you.”
>You slowly lift your head, coming face to face with this impossible houseguest
>Her brows are raised high over her fist-sized eyes and the smile she had a moment ago has inverted itself, giving the impression of a dog that’s been scolded
>A promise is a promise
>Be honest
“I don’t know either, and you probably wouldn’t know while you’re doing it. Maybe you’d… you know, snap like you did a couple months ago. The moment you start using magic to hurt people, we’ll have no recourse. You could do anything you want to us because we can’t stop you, and you could cause problems we’d never be able to fix.”
>Twilight looks away, ashamed and pensive, then looks back a few seconds later
>“I might be able to teach you how to resist the effects of magic.”
>THERE’S A WAY TO RESIST MAGIC?!
“Tell me how to do that!”
>“Not yet. I need to know I can trust you with it.”
>PLS
>TWALOT, PLS
“How can I trust you with magic?”
>“You can’t. That’s why I’m asking you to be my test subject. I need you to know that you don’t have to fear me. If I told you how to resist magic now, it might ruin experiments. Please, trust me. I'd never do anything to hurt you.”
>That would've been comforting if you didn't catch her saying “at least not intentionally” under her breath
>Fuuuuck
>She’s going to give you her spellbooks eventually if you keep saying yes, but this might be a rough road to travel
“…I’ll do it.”


>Over the span of a few seconds, her expression does a total reversal
>“You mean that?”
“Yes.”
>Her smile only intensifies
>“5pm until dinner each day for magic testing, then 9pm until midnight for movies?”
“I have nothing planned for the entire summer. That time’s fine with me.”
>Hot DAMN is that a cute smile
>“Jake, I want to do something foolish and instinctive right now, but I’m not going to throw caution to the wind just yet. I’m going to cast a quick ‘visible magical particles’ spell and then touch your hand. Is that okay with you?”
>What’s she got planned?
“Uh, alright…”
>She steps back and casts the spell, forming a dome of light over each of her massive eyes, pure white except for a jet black silhouette of yourself
>You hold out your left hand for her to fondle and inspect
>This lasts for an uncomfortable half-minute as she studies your hand and holds it in various ways with her front hooves
>“Okay… it looks like extended contact with a human has no ill effects.”
>The light covering her eyes dissipates
>“NOW I can be foolish and instinctive.”
>Suddenly, she wraps both of her front legs around your torso and pulls you close with her head up against your chest
>“Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! You have no idea how much this means to me! I’m almost too excited to sleep! We are going to do so much science! THANK YOU!!”
>Um
>Alright, semi-consensual hugging
>That’s cool, that’s cool


>You hesitantly put one arm around the back of her neck and another around her head as gently as you can
>It seems to be an appreciated gesture and makes her snuggle up to you even closer
>She pulls away after a moment to make eye contact again, but lets you keep a grip on her
>“This is going to be the best kind of science. It’s MAGIC SCIENCE. Thank you!”
>One of your hands is directly above and behind her ears
>This is a once in a lifetime opportunity
>If she gets to test magic on you, you get to try something the internet told you you’d never get a chance to do
>She feels your fingers moving and perks up slightly
>“What are you-”
>Scratchie scratchie
>She leans back into your hand and closes her eyes
>“Mmmm… keep doing that.”
>Twicat is melting into incredible relaxation at your touch
>“A little to your left…”
“Do you realize that you’re acting like a housecat?”
>“I don’t care. This feels weirdly good. Keep going. Nnn…I’d be purring, but I can’t roll my ‘r’s very well. Yeah, right there... gooood human. Don't stop.”
>Who’s the pet here?
“Say ‘please.’”
>“Oh, please, don't stop... magic is like catnip to me. I’m gonna need a few minutes of this so I can relax and sleep tonight. Thank youuuuu...”


#IRCAddamsLocal
Server time  5/28/2013, 06:15


06:15:10@Basement has signed on
06:15:22@Basement: Good morning, Eliza. I’ll be up for breakfast in a couple of minutes, but I have a question I’d like answered first. Do you have a moment?
06:15:35@ElizaLaptop: I have a bit of time. I don’t have to rush in to school like I usually do because we’re doing finals.
06:15:41@Basement: Alright, I’m up to the section of Jake’s history textbook that deals with Islam. Forgive me if I'm saying something offensive, but Islam’s origin story is essentially the same as the story of Moses and the burning bush, then the story of Abraham and the Idolaters, and then Robin Hood. None of the news reports I’ve seen have said anything about Islam except that it’s the religion most commonly associated with terrorism. Why is something so prevalent and easily analogized never explained?
06:15:54@ElizaLaptop: I never asked that question, myself. I don’t know. I only know Islam because I studied a bit of it to present it in one of my Sunday School classes.
06:16:19@JakeLaptop has signed on
06:16:27@ElizaLaptop: You’re up early. Did you sleep well?
06:16:50@JakeLaptop: I was sleeping with my window open. The highway down the hill from here is a decent white noise machine until a truck comes by and is like BRRRRRRVT BRRRRRRR when it uses its brakes. Just checking in before I turn over and go to sleep again. How is everyone?


06:16:50@Basement: I'm reading up on religions and wondering why humans seriously believe in ghosts.
06:17:00@ElizaLaptop: I’m going to head out soon, and I know why humans ‘seriously believe in ghosts.’
06:17:03@Basement: Would you please tell me? I can sort of understand wanting to live after death in circumstances when death is a real and present danger, but religion is popular even in communities of relative safety.
06:17:16@ElizaLaptop: I’d prefer you read some scriptures and form your own opinion before I tell you mine. Jake, did you ever check your final grades for last semester?
06:17:26@JakeLaptop: Hold on, let me do that right now…
06:20:11@JakeLaptop: You’ve got to be shitting me. I thought I was going to have a good day today.
06:20:20@ElizaLaptop: What’s wrong?
06:20:42@JakeLaptop: I know you’re both concerned about Spike reading this and getting a potty mouth, but I’m going to swear as much as I want because this is some stupid shit. Professor Spadaccini gave me a flat 0% grade for his course.
06:20:49@ElizaLaptop: He did? What happened?


06:21:23@JakeLaptop: I used Wikipedia for a bit of research in my final paper. The paper that counted for the entire course’s grade. I didn’t cite it, and it was only for some stuff I couldn’t find anywhere else, but he failed me for it even though he said he values honesty. He wouldn’t have even known I’d used it if I hadn’t told him. I just dicked myself out of .5 of my GPA because I added seven words to an email as an afterthought. SEVEN WORDS. Nice guys really do finish last. Fuck.
06:21:31@JakeLaptop: Oh, and I'm a lab rat for a crazy magician. I’m not really sure how I feel about that.
06:21:33@Basement: I’m not crazy: I’m eccentric. And you’re a volunteer, not a test animal. You can call the tests off whenever you want.
06:21:36@Basement: That reminds me of something. Eliza, I used telekinesis on your arm a while ago. Do you remember how it felt?
06:21:38@JakeLaptop has signed off
06:21:44@ElizaLaptop: Tingly.
06:21:45@Basement: What was going through your mind when the magic was on your arm?
06:21:59@ElizaLaptop: I knew it was an accident, but I still felt very strangely afraid. It was like how I’d heard one of my students had been involved in that triple murder that was linked to the bombing. It’s like the moment you receive an unpleasant surprise, but it lasts much longer.
06:22:02@Basement: Very interesting… Jake had a similar response. I’d test if this is a response common among humans, but I don’t see any way to get a representative sample.



Part 5
>Saturday, June 1, 8:06pm, basement of Addams household
>Minimum of ~59.66 months to first rescue attempt
>You are Twilight Sparkle
>The weather on Earth is so uncontrolled that it’s almost pitiful
>The current outdoor temperature is 80 around degrees Fahrenheit, the local unit of measurement
>This is at SUNSET
>By Equestrian measure, that’s just over 110 degrees, and by anyone’s standards it’s too hot, too hot to handle…
>Curse Sinatra and his golden voice; you just got fifteen new songs stuck in your head
>And that doesn’t account for Ella’s vibrato and acappella improv, Louis’ rasp, and Holiday’s mournful tones
>It got up to a sweltering 90 degrees Fahrenheit earlier today
>It was even hotter yesterday when Jon and Eliza left for the weekend
>The day before that, there was a massive thunderstorm at 10pm which kept Spike awake
>In the central area of the country, it’s even worse
>Deluges have caused the two largest rivers on the continent to flood their banks
>In Equestria, there’s usually someone culpable for a flood (not counting the one that caused the Mino-Griffonic War)
>Bad weather management, unruly beavers, maybe a boat getting stuck and forming a dam
>Here…floods just happen
>Earth’s environment is almost completely out of control
>But humans don’t mind too much
>They cope, and they control what they can


>It’s hard not to applaud humans for their ingenuity
>Misdirected as it is most of the time, they come up with novel solutions to their problems using what little they have available
>For example, the Addams don’t own an air conditioning unit
>So instead, they have an electric fan in the window of Jon’s office that pulls cool air from the basement by way of the hallway and kitchen
>This essentially makes the entire house a single air conditioning unit
>To keep a consistent flow of air, they shut every other window and open the basement door
>It’s open
>You’re a screen door away from freedom
>If you wanted to run, you could
>But where would you go?
>Why leave?
>Everything you need is right here
>There’s no point in leaving
>Celestia wouldn’t approve unless you were somehow forced to leave, and you might not be able to convince Spike to come with you if you tried to run
>Leaving the house hasn’t done anything to wake you up from your supposed coma
>At 2am last night, you tried


>You swore to your hosts that you wouldn’t, but no harm was done and they don’t need to know if it’s not of any consequence
>It was just a quick jaunt outside
>Open the door, ascend the concrete stairwell, look at the stars, and enjoy the first time you’ve had open sky over your head in months
>You also tried out your new wings
>Between their lack of use and your inexperience, your short flight could be generously described as clumsy
>You barely managed to get onto the roof and take a look around
>That angular object you saw on the roof back in February was an adjustable antenna
>That would explain why the radio reception has been so good, but that's not the point
>Standing on top of the building felt liberating, as though you’d conquered your confinement
>You were outside
>Free, but you couldn’t leave
>A melancholic victory
>Partial credit is better than not answering a question
>It was the closest you’ve felt to home since you got here
>Fifteen minutes of sitting on the roof with nothing to keep you company except a collection of perpendicular metal rods strapped to a false chimney
>The moon was in its third quarter, and a rare asteroid pass-by had occurred earlier that day
>You sat
>You stared at the night sky
>You thought to yourself
>Home is up there
>Impossibly far away, and still so near to you
>You’ll return someday
>Someday


>But you couldn’t stay on the roof all night, as much as you’d wanted to
>Looking back to Earth, you took in your surroundings
>This is where you are
>Louis Armstrong seems to think this is a wonderful world
>Not something you can objectively agree with, but he’s not completely wrong
>The peaceful areas aren’t that bad
>If US/Russia tensions over the Syrian Civil War don’t escalate, this area will probably remain peaceful
>Your view from the rooftop wasn’t the most scenic, but you’d never seen anything like it with your own eyes
>Radio towers on a distant hill were blinking their lights to make them more visible to the infrequent sky traffic
>The highway you’d heard of was still in use at this hour of the morning, cars occasionally illuminating the asphalt as they rushed towards their destinations
>A water tower on a nearer hill jutted up from the landscape, interrupting the skyline
>And then, immediately around you, there was the neighborhood
>Just a human neighborhood
>Earth is losing its novelty now that you know you understand some of it
>Trees, grass, flower gardens, vegetable gardens, and intersecting streets with electrically powered lights for convenience
>All the houses are arranged in a neat grid pattern
>A nicely planned, peaceful neighborhood
>You could see yourself living here, if you were human


>Humans might have seen you on the roof
>Not that you have to worry about that
>Who would be up at that hour?
>Anyhuman that’s seen you has probably written it off as a sleep-deprived hallucination
>And you’re certain you weren’t seen
>Now that you know going outside won’t wake you up, you don’t have much reason to unless you feel homesick again
>If your idea that emotional pain represents physical pain is correct, then the opiates you thought you were getting must have kicked in by now
>Good; you’re not sure how much more distress you could take
>It’s actually sort of pleasant here
>HERE here, not Earth in general
>The Addams’ are nice people, and very accommodating
>You and Spike are new, alien, and supposedly impossible, but that doesn’t matter to them
>They took you in and gave you everything you needed
>They never asked you to leave, even though you were a bit of a nuisance at times
>The only part about you that they don’t seem totally at ease with is your magic
>Most of them seem to regard it as a curiosity more than a threat
>They always stop and stare whenever they see you doing magic
>Something about it just transfixes them
>It’s hard to imagine what it would be like, seeing magic for the first time after you’ve been told it’s impossible all your life
>For the most part, they’re reacting positively
>That’s not including their strange reactions to having magic used on them (more on that in a moment)


>Humans in general, well…
>They're bearable… for a species that seems to be on the verge of ‘World War 3’
>Just don’t preoccupy yourself with the news, like how Russia was evacuating their people from the embattled country of Syria as a US senator meets with the rebelling side of that civil war
>Every war the humans have had is civil war; they’ve only had wars within their species
>It’s their bible’s ‘Cain and Abel’ story, the first fratricide, repeating like a broken record
>The appeal of religion is a mystery to you; as far as you can tell, it’s just some of their philosophy repackaged into a fable with horribly inaccurate depictions of magic, plus a few rules and traditional practices
>You read about Islam on the ‘internet’ because it’s so prevalent in the news
>The two major denominations of Islam are at odds because they can’t agree on who the successor to their ‘prophet’ was
>Why should that matter if their beliefs remain fundamentally the same?
>You also read all the excerpts from Jake’s textbook and completed the abridged ‘bible’ in a single day
>Both books had the same conclusion regarding murder, though ‘Vice and Virtue in Everyday Life’ had an unexpectedly broad range of opinions
>Immanuel Kant’s ‘Categorical Imperative’ was appealing, whereas Thomas Hobbes drove you away with a worse view of human behavior than your own
>Overall, humans DO seem to follow the same rules as the ones that sustain Harmony


>Humans tend to agree that killing each other is wrong outside of some very exceptional situations
>How they keep getting themselves into those circumstances is another point of confusion
>It’s not like they can’t stop
>Why don't they follow their own rules?
>Bad: some of the jazz and the national anthem of the United States have sinister connotations, if your theory of interaction between your dream and the events occurring around you in the waking world is accurate
>Those songs might point towards a serious medical complication, and Luna may be absent if your idea of this world being internal and symbolic is correct
>‘Fly Me to the Moon’ and ‘Stariway to the Stars’ could mean that Luna is on (or worse, needs to be imprisoned in) the moon again
>If she somehow became Nightmare Moon again, you’re absolutely NEEDED back home
>You hope you’re misinterpreting that, and it’s just her reaffirming your assumption that she can leave discreet messages for you
>The US national anthem doesn’t leave room for misinterpretation
>This country won its independence in a rebellion spurred by unfair taxation
>This is reflected in an ode to a battle that lasted all night
>On the dawn of the next day, their flag was still raised over the fort they defended, defiant of the bursting bombs and streaking rockets that had illuminated it during the night
>Oh say can you see/By the dawn’s early light/What so proudly we hailed/at the twilight’s last gleaming?
>Twilight’s last gleaming


>You might have heard the doctors around your comatose body say that you’re in terminal condition
>That would be bad
>That would be VERY bad
>Everything you learned will be lost
>Singlehoofedly advancing the state of science and technology by centuries won’t matter much if you wake up to find you didn’t actually do it
>Salvageable, if inconvenient
>You’d just have to repeat yourself and hope you remember everything correctly
>But if you die, all you know dies with you
>Your death would be even more tragic for all the avenues of possibility it closes off
>And no-one would know what they’d be missing
>You need to get home
>The sooner, the better
>The letter from Rainbow Dash said that the changeling told the truth
>Your friends think they’re culpable for sending you to another universe
>It’s slightly easier to believe than somehow taking yourself to a parallel universe, but you’re at a loss for how they might have done that
>The dream theory stands on the grounds that you don’t know how they could possibly have enough magic to do such a thing and the sheer similarities of these two universes
>Probability is still on your side
>How you got here doesn’t matter right now
>You need to get home
>Something bad might be happening in Equestria
>Possibly a threat to the Princesses


>If you are hearing things around you in the waking world, all this talk of explosives and war point toward something terrible happening
>The bearer of the Element of Magic has been taken out of the picture
>5 to 20 years might be too late
>One way or another, wakefulness or physical transportation, you need to get back to Equestria
>This is the worst dream you’ve ever had, even with the pain dulled
>Come to think of it, Sombra’s doorway to an illusion of your greatest fear could still be…
>No, don’t get preoccupied again
>You’re past that
>And the months between that and your coronation were too pleasant for that to be plausible
>Even if this is real, it’s not like Equestria would get into another war
>That’s not possible
>The talk of war and bombs has to be symbolic of something else
>Finally, just to round things out and relate this to the movie you’re watching tonight
>Ugly: The movies you’ve watched with Jake have ‘horses’ being driven around in painful harnesses
>It hurts to look at them
>It also hurts to think of the bodycount of the movies you’ve seen so far
>Humans are dying left and right in those movies, and nobody except the coffin-maker in ‘A Fistful of Dollars’ seems to care
>That movie also included some creative disturbing of the dead: two corpses are used as decoys to lure opposing gangs into a fight over some ‘informants,’ both of those informants actually being the corpses propped up to look like they’re asleep


>The moral of the first couple of movies were questionable as well
>‘Fort Apache’ teaches that it’s prestigious to die in battle, even if it’s a fight you started without good reason, and ‘The Searchers’ seems to be entirely about how people who are different are bad
>Those two films have a historically abused ethnicity as the villains, for some reason
>The line in ‘The Searchers’ about how a specific tribe of Aboriginal Americans would ride their horses to death and then eat them is something you’re assured is an exaggeration
>That movie did have an interesting intro about how the film crew needed to film in an area with no telephones, but the fact that humans have ever considered eating horse meat is off-putting
>What’s worse is that they still do it
>There was a scandal earlier this year about a food company using horse meat instead of its advertised meat
>You're not sure how you hadn't heard of it
>Humans do look down on people who eat horse, so that’s a small comfort
>You don’t have to worry about getting eaten
>Besides, you’re supposed to be concentrating on the testing Jake volunteered to undergo
>If you figure out all the nuances of how humans can influence your magic, you might be able to get yourself home
>The trick is to do this in a way that doesn’t reveal that they can influence your magic, or to determine that they won’t abuse their influence if they find out about that
>Easier said than done


>If magic trips Jake’s fight or flight instinct every time, you’ll never get past the most basic of tests, and he’ll never trust you with magic
>He already said he’d refuse to participate in tests that have effects which can’t be treated by human medicine
>That means nothing but telekinetic spells (for now) and no attempts to remove the ‘shared eye’ enchantment under the pretense of removing an enchantment that was part of a test
>It’s disappointing, but you were ready for that
>It’s still science
>Finding out you’re wrong isn’t so bad if you can use it to find out what’s right
>“StopstopstopSTOP!”
>There it goes again
>The magic around his arm dissipates for the fiftieth time this evening
>You’ve already told him more than you’re comfortable with him knowing
>He’s going to connect the dots and realize he’s already resisting your magic any day now
>Without his instinctive aversion to having magic used on him, it probably would have been sooner
>Figuring out how to harness a human’s ability to amplify magic without their knowledge is looking increasingly unlikely
>5 to 20 years is how long you’re probably going to have to wait
>It might not even be mathematically possible to use humans’ magic influence to teleport that far
>Whatever happens in Equestria between now and then will be something you can’t stop
>You release the charge you’ve been manipulating with your horn and open your eyes again


>He’s sitting on the spare bed you’ve occupied for most of your stay here, shaking with fear from some instinctive reaction he never knew he had
>A choir of crickets is chirping outside, mocking your desperate attempts at magic
>A forlorn sigh escapes you
“How far did I move your arm this time?”
>It takes him a moment to collect himself
>Even then, he’s not very collected, panting and sweating uncontrollably as he usually does between your attempted castings
>It smells like human sweat down here
>And that’s with the fan going and the doors open
>“It- two.”
“Jake, I know this is hard, but would you please give me a unit of measurement?”
>“Feet. Two feet.”
>Four times further than your first attempt
>Progress is slow, but any progress is good
“Do you want to call this off for now?”
>“No.”
>This is thanks in no small part to his tenacity/emotional masochism
“Are you sure?”
>“Yes.”
“Are you SURE that you’re sure?”
>“Yes.”
“Are you just saying that?”
>“Ye- no. No.”
>He said “yes” first
>Revising answers isn’t allowed right now
“Do you know what time it is?”
>“No.”


>You wiggle the ‘mouse’ input device of your ‘computer’ around, taking it out of standby mode
>Unlike the ‘television’ remote, this seems to be the most magically reliable object you’ve ever had the chance to use
>It as easy to use telekinesis on this as it is on any item you from Equestria, if not easier
>One more thing to be thankful for
>After the second of warm-up, the main ‘screen’ of the ‘computer’ is active
>You move the cursor onto the ‘task bar’s’ digital clock, then click it to enlarge it into a representation of an analog clock
“It’s past eight. We’ve been doing this 50 percent longer than usual.”
>His response never comes
>He just sits there, panting
“Why do you put yourself through this? I can’t enjoy this if it’s going to be so unpleasant for you, so don’t say it’s for me.”
>He finally collects himself enough to speak full sentences
>“I- I need to know how to resist magic.”
“I’m not a threat. Please, just trust me. This… reflex, or whatever you want to call it, it’s not helping you.”
>Though it may have helped his ancestors
>He doesn’t respond to your statement, giving you a moment to think
>You’re piecing together what may have made this an alternate universe


>Humans gained the ability to amplify or nullify the effects of magic at some point in their evolution, something they must have lacked on the planet you called home
>Without this, they went extinct in your universe
>Here, they used it to prevent breeding in flora and fauna that were evolutionarily affected by magic
>For example, manticores are part mammal, part arachnid
>Without the influence of magic, they wouldn’t develop properly in-utero
>Scorpions don’t give live birth, after all
>This also explains why there is so much ambient magic; creatures that would have had a dependence on magic were born in such limited numbers that they had less opportunity to absorb the magic around them
>Humans may have also used this ability to hunt herds of early unicorns, prevent early pegasi from resting on clouds at night, and prevented other species from evolving to a level of basic intelligence
>The variant of the fight or flight instinct you keep triggering may have been a leftover from this time
>It may also explain why objects from Earth are so difficult to influence with magic, even outside of human presence; they’ve been exposed to the collective will of humanity to resist magic for eons, if not longer


>There’s no way to verify any of this, but you’re not about to research time-traveling spells to find out if there’s a way to visit this brutal period of history
>It would at least explain how they have accurate depictions of creatures that don’t exist here
>Humans recalled the most threatening creatures of prehistory from genetic memory
>The one thing these creatures had in common was magic, which was also the primary method of defense in herds of early unicorns
>A human’s reaction to magic could be an outdated warning, like a predator avoiding colorful frogs because they might be poisonous long after those frogs have lost their ability to produce poison
>But if this is the case, where are the fossils?
>Could a human disintegrate a magical being by sheer willpower?
>No, it’s best not to get preoccupied with possibilities like that
>Just do science
“Can I try the telekinesis spell again?”
>He holds out his arm
>It’s always the left arm, and he always says the same two words such determination
>Almost as though he’s convinced he’ll be able to hold it together this time
>“Do it.”
“Here goes…”


>You shut your eyes and concentrate
>Your horn overflows with magic, focused at the point of highest efficiency for telekinesis spells
>The focus intensifies in precision with Jake’s desire to have this be the time that he doesn’t tell you to stop
>As you picture the action you want to happen, the focus begins wavering violently
>You can barely keep it close enough to the intended point of focus for the spell to continue
>No less than five seconds in, he’s calling for you to stop again
>You always have to do what he says in this situation
>He might start to panic and struggle against the magic, tipping him off to the fact that he already has a considerable resistance
>You release the charge and open your eyes
>Jake’s panting and in a cold sweat again
>You wait for him to recover before speaking
>A gurgle in your stomach changes the question you were about to ask from “Do you feel any less afraid than you did during earlier tests?” to “What’s for dinner?”
“Jake, please, let’s stop for the night. If not for your sake, then for dinner’s sake. I’m getting hungry, and I bet Spike is too…”
>“No. Keep going.”
>Time to put your hoof down
>Gently
>Tonight’s been stressful enough


“All this adrenaline is going to ruin your immune system. Please, we need to stop.”
>“I can try a few more times. Keep going.”
>Okay, not as gently, but still gently
“I’m not going to.”
>“Keep going.”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. I’d be doing more harm than good for either of us. We’re done for the day. That’s final.”
>It’s hard to say, but you’re determined to keep him from hurting himself on your behalf
>Frankly, this is all about your attempt to harness the ‘T. Sparkle Antimagic Field’ to get yourself home
>You still can’t let him do this with a clean conscience
>Jake leans off of the bed and falls to his knees, begging to you from eye level in a calm but desperate tone
>“I need to know how to resist magic! It’s not fair like this. You could use magic on me whenever you want, and I couldn’t do anything about it!”
>If he only knew
>If only you could tell him
>If only you didn’t need to repeat this to him
>It’s exasperating
“You don’t have to fear me. I haven’t hurt a human before, and I’m not going to change that.”
>“But you could, and no one could stop you! I can’t trust you like this. You’re emotionally unstable and armed to the teeth.”


>Jake’s right about the emotional instability
>You have been a little… erratic
>Yeah, that’s a good enough word for the situation
>But armed?
>With what?
“I’m not going to lie, you have me on the first bit. But what weapon do I have? I’m literally naked!”
>“…I didn’t need to remember that you’re naked, thank you.”
“Sorry. What’s this about being armed, though?”
>He points to your desk
>“Those spellbooks over there probably have a million ways to-”
>Need to interrupt him there
>He’s thinking about this all wrong
>You put up a forehoof to silence him
“Don’t finish that sentence. My horn is not a weapon. It’s a tool.”
>“So are guns.”
>Uh, no
>Your hoof comes back down to make room for the ‘Worst Comparison of the Year Award’ nominee
“Can you write a letter by shooting a gun?”
>A deadpan question with an obvious answer
>Not something he was expecting you to ask, but it has the intended effect of putting him off balance
>“…Okay, so guns are tools without as many uses as your horn. My point is that you have a head cannon…er, forehead pistol, and I can’t protect myself against that.”
>This guy really IS like Shining Armor
>That’s the exact mental process that you’d expect from your sibling
>You sit down and start rubbing your temples with your forehooves to alleviate the headache that the spellcasting and this argument have brought on


“Ugh… you’re thinking like my brother, and that reminds me of him in a bad way. Life is not a series of things you have to defend yourself against.”
>“How can I be sure I’d never have to defend myself against you? I’m pleading with a purple talking magical pony who thinks the entire planet is out to kill her. You could snap again.”
>And now you’re off balance
>A stiff breeze just came through and knocked you both over into a tangled heap of an impasse
“I- alright, I admit that you can’t be sure. But please, trust me anyway.”
>“I won’t let you give me Stockholm Syndrome. Your smile is cute, but that’s not enough.”
“I don’t know what that- hold on.”
>You don’t know what that is, but the ‘internet’ does
>You look behind yourself to see your ‘computer’
>This is the most useful human invention ever, as far as you’re concerned
>Years from now, everyone in Equestria should have a machine like this connected to an Equestrian ‘internet’
>It’s almost enough to redeem humans as a species
>Almost
>As with most of their inventions, it’s the use humans find for it that ruins your impression
>Humans might not be naturally telepathic
>With what they’ve made, it seems to imply that they want to circumvent their physical and magical limitations to emulate telepathy


>The internet is humanity’s collective mind, converted into an unimaginably long series of yes/no algorithms
>And so much of that logic is used for pornography and pointless arguments
>If it’s just the matter of renting a ‘server’ and registering a ‘page,’ it’s going to be anarchy regardless of which species is using it
>It’s also very unreliable
>The ‘Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me’ radio show said the words “my little pony” in that order earlier today
>That's the exact phrase Celestia uses to refer to her subjects, so you tried to research that phrase on the ‘internet’
>It simply wouldn’t work
>You ended up taking Jake at his word that it’s a line of dolls for young girls
>He seemed strangely nervous when you asked him about that…
>It’s also strange that Jake mentioned a ‘Pony Express’ delivery service when you asked him about how communication worked in the Western Frontier
>It just sort of came up during ‘For a Few Dollars More’ when the robbers destroyed a ‘telegraph’ wire
>You’d never heard of it because all the ‘web pages’ that related to it were inaccessible to you
>The internet seems to malfunction as you ‘load’ a ‘page,’ never before or after
>If you can get the ‘page,’ any content on it is fine
>The only exceptions to that rule are some images on ‘YouTube’
>Odd, but you have something to check on ‘Wikipedia’
>The ‘computer’ hasn’t resumed its automatic standby mode yet, so you quickly pull up a ‘search engine’ without moving a muscle


>You enter the phrase Jake just spoke and get immediate results
>‘Stockholm Syndrome’ was discovered during a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden
>The robbers had avoided hurting the bank employees, who were distressed and behaving irrationally
>Because of this, the employees that were taken hostage ended up sympathizing with and even aiding their captors, mistaking lack of abuse for kindness
>Jake thinks he’s your captive?
>Returning your attention to him, it sure looks like that’s what he believes
>This situation is a social Mobius strip
>He thinks you’re in control, but he’s controlling you!
>Neither of you are in control, and you’re exasperated because he’s using a bad analogy again
“No, it’s not like that at all! I don’t want you to trust me just because I haven’t hurt you! I want to tell you how to resist magic, but I don’t know if I can yet. Just… please. Don’t be afraid of me because I’m a master of re-weaving String Theory. I know better than to abuse my gifts.”
>Jake isn’t swayed at all by this
>You thought that link between magic theory and the human theory of matter would be impressive, but it fell flat
>Time to compromise and lose some ground again…
“We don’t have to get through a full battery of testing. I just need to know I can trust you and everyone you might tell. I’m cancelling any further testing unless we can find a way to do this without hurting you. It was exciting at first, but this isn’t what I wanted it to be like.”


>NOW it looks like he’s more comfortable, but disappointed as well
>He brushes off his knees and goes back to sitting on your bed
>“Can I at least get a look at your spellbooks?”
“No.”
>“Why not? Didn’t you say you’d be less afraid of war if you understood it?”
“That’s different. There’s no way to simply resist the effects of war, and you’d just figure out how to resist magic on your own if I gave you any of those books. That would be as bad as telling you before I know you’re trustworthy.”
>He’s annoyed, but that’s the price of secrecy
>“Okay, fine. Fair enough. I still prefer to have head-based firepower relegated to the realm of obscure patents and Laputan machines.”
“Guns on people’s heads? Seriously?”
>“I recall that someone made a helmet mounted gun with a bite-switch for a trigger, but I think that’s the closest we’ll ever get to making a true skull-gun. There are crazy ideas, and then there are crazy ideas that are too impractical to even consider. I’ll say it again: humankind is not all about violence.”
“I’m willing to believe that, but cranial firearms? That’s too ridiculous to be true.”
>You turn to the computer and enter a few phrases about head and helmet mounted guns while making a mental note to look up machines from ‘Laputa’ when you get the chance
>There are actual results
>Enough for you to spend several minutes browsing around while Jake watches over your withers


>Head-guns are a thing now, it seems
>And they’ve been a thing since 1916, when someone named Albert Bacon Pratt patented one
“The simple fact that a human got that idea in the first place is the sort of thing that makes me question your species’ technological priorities.”
>Jake is absolutely intrigued by what he sees
>“Huh. I only knew of the one that was patented in the fifties. I didn’t realize that Knight’s Armament Company tried to revive the concept a couple of years ago.”
“That’s irrelevant. Humans are wasting a criminal amount of potential on trying to find new, exotic ways to kill each other. All the things you’ve done without magic, and so much of it is for violence. That’s like, uh…”
>Try to think up a better analogy than the ones he's made
>Hmm…
>He should be able to understand this one
“…Like having as much literature as humans have now, but without written language. Except instead of stories and prose, there are only ‘yo mama’ jokes. Don’t you get it? Humans are a fish out of water that won’t choke, and this is what your species chooses to do?”
>“Do you know who Mikhail Kalashnikov is?”
“No.”
>“Look him up.”
>A quick search later, the ‘search engine’ presents you with the ‘online’ encyclopedia’s ‘page’ on that specific human


>He was a citizen of the Soviet Union, and commanded a tank crew in the second World War until he was injured in combat
>While recovering, he designed a firearm that caught the attention of a Soviet design bureau and was taken into their employ
>His next design became what is regarded as the most ubiquitous firearm in the world, which has taken countless lives in the service of criminals, terrorists, and conquerors
>It would be hard to find a more stereotypical human
>You didn’t say anything, but the look of condemnation that’s come across you prompts Jake to joke about the article you’re reading
>“I know, right? That’s the most Soviet thing ever. He could have written a novel or something while he was in the hospital, but he was like, ‘Servant of glorious motherland and most excellent Comrade Stalin must never rest! I make weapon for to destroy fascist invaders!’ At least that’s what their propaganda said. Who knows if that story isn’t made up?”
“…Why did you show me this? Are you trying to prove me right?”
>“Trying to prove you wrong, actually. Scroll down to the quotes.”
>Doing as Jake says, you change the display’s contents to the bottom of the ‘page’
>Kalashnikov has intense regret for his role in the world
>All he wanted was to protect his homeland
>He would have preferred to make farming tools
>“On a related note, do you know who Einstein is?”
>Einstein is to atomic physics as Starswirl is to magic
>Nothing tops Starswirl, but Einstein is in your top 10


>You turn away from the computer to speak to Jake, but you’re not sure how he relates
“Of course! Albert Einstein is one of the most famous atomic physicists.”
>“And a lead scientist for the Manhattan Project. Without him, America might not have been able to build the first atom bomb.”
>That puts Einstein in a bit of a different light
>You’d only seen his equations and snippets of his biography
>And seriously, MANhattan?
>You've heard the name before, but a portmanteau of HUMAN and MANEHATTAN?
>Why would they have places named after their species if there aren’t other species to differentiate themselves from?
>Why do they have a large, copper and iron statue in the same pose as the one off the southwest coast of Manehattan Island?
>Why is it in the same location as the one in Manehattan?
>Why are all the other cities with similar names in the same place as their counterparts?
>Why, why, why?
>Either this is a dream, or every global civilization forms identically
>Probability isn’t supposed to work that way
>One tiny change today can mean a massive difference a million years later
>War should be the least of the differences
>In any case, Einstein may be to blame for the most destructive weapon of human history
>This comes as a bit of a shock to you
>“…You did know he worked on the H-bomb, right?”
“I can’t say I did. Wow, um…”


>“I bet you’ve never heard his quote about how he wished he’d known his future when he was younger. He said, ‘If I’d only known, I would have been a watchmaker.’ The guy was a pacifist, and he had to design the first nuke or risk having the Axis make the war even bloodier than it already was. Circumstances dictate that we need things for war, so we make weapons.”
“But circumstances are the product of past choices. Humans could choose to end war!”
>“Can we, really? We’ve got all these problems that we go to war over, and... you know what the Gordian Knot is, right?”
>Perhaps civilizations do form the same way, and this is a vision of p0nykind's future...
>No, stop getting sidetracked!
>Now it sounds like he’s making an analogy that’s NOT totally wrong
>About time
“That’s the inextricable rope puzzle that Alexander the Great of Macedonia solved by cutting it in half. I’ve heard of it.”
>“Our problems are one big knot. Loosen one rope, and another tightens. We’ll never be able to untie it, and I sure can’t think of a good way to get the sword that can cut it apart.”
>He says things like this so matter-of-factly
>Does he really think this is a lost cause?
“Jake, has there ever been a concerted, species-wide effort to solve these problems? It’s not like humans don’t have the resources to do that.”


>“The only way to get us all coordinated like that is to make humans a homogenous group. There are simply too many types and cultures of humans to do that.”
“But Equestria is diverse, and we cooperate just fine. We even allow the non-independent sentient species to live in Equestria. Why can’t humans cooperate within their own species?”
>“I skipped ahead a bit in that history book and looked up how many p0nies are believed to be alive right now. Organizing the equivalent of Europe and North America’s combined population is impressive, but it’s easier than organizing the entire planet.”
“It might be harder, but why not try?”
>“Harder? You’re making a massive understatement. We’d have to commit multiple genocides if we wanted to even start coordinating on that level. I don’t mean normal genocide. It would be cultural genocide, killing people from the inside out until they’ve lost all sense of identity. We’d be humans that act like ants, or bees, or whatever. We’d stop being people, and by your definition, we’d be dead. We might as well go nuke ourselves.” 
>He’s using your definition of sentience and intelligence against you
>Try and get him to revisit an earlier statement


“So you admit that war would drive your species to extinction?”
>“Could. It hasn’t. President Kennedy famously said ‘Mankoind must put an end to wah, or wah will put an end to mankoind!’ And yes, he did speak in a ridiculous Boston accent all the time. Years later, the Cold War ended peacefully, creating a relatively tranquil political atmosphere. War didn’t end us, and we can’t end war. Let me know when the next big arms race happens so we can find out if JFK’s still wrong.”
“…You actually thought through all this, didn’t you?”
>“Sure did. When the solution is to make Earth one big termite mound, is the problem worth solving? Hell, is it even a problem? We’ve been at war since prehistory. Even in the Nuclear Age, it’s a sustainable practice. Why stop now?”
>He’s SMILING at you as though he’s proud to be a human
>Yeah, you’re not convincing him otherwise
>Not tonight, at least
>Silence fills the basement, the crickets outside continuing to mock your enfeebled magic and jeering your loss of the argument
>Forehooves come unbidden to your temples again, trying to massage away your renewed headache
>Am I blue?/You’d be, too/if every plan that you had/done fell through
>These human songs are too catchy, and too often do they remind you of home
>Sapphire Shores and Aretha Franklin have nearly identical singing voices
>You’ll be hearing more of Aretha than Sapphire over the next few years
>This bootstrap attempt at getting home is a failure
>As expected


>You should probably call these tests off indefinitely and just see if befriending all of your hosts gets you full control of your magic
>That’s the most you can hope for
>Whatever is about to happen in Equestria is going to occur outside of your presence
>Dejectedly, you sigh and break the silence
“Please scratch behind my ears again.”
>This is your non-chemical antidepressant (Note to self: test if human fingers secrete mood-altering chemicals/can be used for mind reading)
>Human fingers are practically MADE for this
>The fingernails are just large enough to scratch an itch without getting in the way of the massaging digits
>His fingers part your mane and give you two full minutes of bliss
>It feels so goooood…
“Ahh… Thank you. That’s enough for now.”
>You’re somewhat happier than you felt a moment ago, your frustration overwhelmed by sensation
>It’s tempting to ask him to return his hand to your scalp again
>“I’m surprised you let me do that.”
“You don’t know how good it feels.”


>“What do you want for dinner? I was thinking of going out to pick something up. Any type of restaurant you’d prefer?”
“Anywhere that serves salad.”
>“That’d be just about everywhere. Are you still considering eating meat?”
“No. Not really. I mean, I’m kind of considering it, but it doesn’t sit well with me. Even if it’s not an intelligent creature, it still used to be alive, you know?”
>“I’ll get you a garden salad. I think I’ll go to that Italian place down the hill.”
“You mean ‘Cucina Josefina?’”
>Oops
>You’d seen him go past that one occasionally by using the ‘shared eye’ spell, but none of your hosts have so much as mentioned it
>“How do you know about that restaurant?”
>Think fast, think fast!
>‘Online’ map service has a function that allows you to see what a camera truck took pictures of as it drove around
>Other plausible answer is to admit you went onto the roof last night
>Former answer less likely to reduce trust
>Lack of trust = magic becomes useless
>Need magic
>NEED TRUST
“Uh… I’m getting into the habit of pretending to take a walk by using ‘Google Streetview!’ I’ve gone past it a few times. It just came to mind because I remembered that Jon's allergies mean we don't get much Istallion food.”
>You are a horrible liar
>But he buys it
>“Oh, okay. You had me worried for a second. I’m going to take a quick shower and head out.”
>Jake tromps his way up the stairs
>The delivery on that lie was terrible
>Why does he seem to be accepting it so readily?


Steam Chat
[BerberB X][NagromSreip X][redleader27 X]
BerberB
In-Game
Combat Mission (that old WWII RTS that I modded so the Soviets represent c…
---------------------
BerberB: Hey.
BerberB: Hey.
BerberB: What are you up to?
BerberB: Evan said you’re acting like Barbara Streisand. I didn’t know what that meant until a few minutes ago.
BerberB: The more you try to hide something that we’d pass up as insignificant, the more curious we’ll get.
BerberB: You got something you don’t want to tell us about?
BerberB: Something like a rape dungeon, or a human trafficking station?
PainedUlnar: It’s not harming anyone.
BerberB: So that’s a yes?


BerberB: Not to the rape dungeon or human trafficking, I mean.
BerberB: We won’t call DHS if you’re sheltering an illegal alien.
BerberB: Just tell us. This is like a Ratte Land Battleship-sized elephant in the room.
PainedUlnar: You wouldn’t believe me.
BerberB: Try me.
PainedUlnar: No, you don’t get it. I wouldn’t believe anyone who told me this had happened to them, either.
BerberB: So tell me anyway.
PainedUlnar: I’ll consider it.
PainedUlnar: The last thing I need is for more people to know about this. It’s going to cause huge amounts of trouble for everyone if it goes public. I’d have to make you swear on your life not to tell anyone. Literally on your life.
PainedUlnar: I mean it. This is the real ‘I’d tell you, but I’d have to kill you’ type of shit.
BerberB: You just found out your parents are spies, didn’t you? Did you find a folder labeled “spy stuff” on their desktop?
PainedUlnar: Not even close. This is nothing like the 2010 spy swap. It’s bigger than that. Just know that no harm is going to come to anyone or anything if this stays under wraps. I’m not saying any more.
---------------------
|
---------------------
Last message received: Friday, May 31, 2013 at 2:38 PM



Part 6

>Day ‘not grounded’ on Earth
>You are Spike
>What time is it?
>It’s
>Wow, it’s past eight at night
>No wonder I’m so hungry
>Time flies when you’re having fun.
>And it crawls when we’re grounded for one of your stupid ideas
>I thought it was a good idea, okay?
>So many of your good ideas are terrible ideas
>It’s a wonder that I let you do any of them
>Yeah? Well… nyuh. Whatever. We’re playing videogames and having fun again.
>No thanks to your idea to get shrunk
>YES thanks to my idea to get shrunk. We still got the grounding shortened.
>Well, we got covered in blood from Jake’s foot
>That was probably the grossest thing ever
>I’ll agree with you there. Blood’s pretty gross.

>You make Banjo and Kazooie jump across the platforms skull-shaman guy magic’d to be larger
>This level is dinosaur-themed
>You always thought dinosaurs were cool
>They’re like dragons, but not as dragon-y
>Also, they’re not jerks like the guys that made you steal that phoenix egg
>Time to take the glowy-thingy to buffalo-dress lady so she can make Banjo and Kazooie into a dinosaur
>It’s kind of weird thinking of Banjo-Kazooie as Banjo AND Kazooie, but that’s something this game does
>Last game, bird-lady never left the backpack
>Now she’s out on her own half the time

>She’s come so far!
>I wonder if she’s going to move out entirely in the third game
>Is there a third one?


>You hear a voice coming from the direction of the basement and turn to see who it is
>“Yo thigh-high, are you keeping out of trouble?”

>Oh, Jake’s finally done with the spooky magic experiments tonight
>He makes them out to be way spookier than they really are. It’s just telekinesis.
>That’s his problem
>Maybe he’s going to get dinner

“Are you still upset about that?”
>“Look, I’m glad you owned up to it, but that was a really dumb move. Don’t do it again.”
>He’s still upset about that
“I did something dumb. I get it.”
>“Let me repeat the important part. I’m glad you owned up to it. I respect that. I’m not writing off our friendship over one incident. Two or three, however…”
“Getting stepped on doesn’t count, right?”
>Jake raises a hand to his chin and makes a thinking pose
>“…All right, six or seven. But if you keep doing big things like picking up the phone, you’ll be on thin ice.”
“I just wanted to help.”
>He exits the thinking pose
>“Thanks, but that doesn’t change the fact that my friends are asking me about that phone call. Use the smart side of your head before you try and help next time, got it?”

>He’s talking about me!
>What’s five times five
>Fifty five. Everyone knows that.
>Yeah, no
>Add five to itself five times
>Five plus five is ten, plus five is fifteen, plus five is twenty, plus five is… oh.
>This is why you’ll always need me around


“Got it.”
>“Good. What part of the game are you up to?”
“It’s the dinosaur level. I was going to take the glowthing to the shaman lady.”
>“This level’s sort of complicated. I’ve got a strategy guide if you want it.”
>Yes, please!
“If it means I don’t need to take more notes, yes!”
>“Back in a sec.”
>He walks back into his room
>After a moment, he returns with a green magazine that has a picture of the game’s characters on the front
>You hop off of the couch and gladly take it from him
>“Here you go. Try to use it only when you need it.”
“Thanks!”
>“I’m going to take a shower and head out to pick up dinner. You want something with meat?”
“You know it!”
>“Okay…meatball sub, garden salad, and a soda. I’ll be back in a bit.”

>What-ball?
>I heard ‘meat ball’

>Jake walks out of view before you can ask him what he said
>You hear a door shut and the shower start a couple of seconds later

>What animal grows into a ball shape?
>Armadillos, I guess
>Didn’t we see one of those when we were in Appleoosa? Do humans really eat those things?
>I don’t recall, and I don’t know


>Twilight said something about the ‘Western’ movies being a lot like Appleoosa
>The buildings are built the same, they wear hats, and there are humans who live like buffaloes
>The buffalo-people and hat-people tend to fight, too
>Except they don’t food-fight like the ponies did
>They used guns and freaky-looking ‘horses’
>Twilight doesn’t like letting you watch movies where the characters fight or shoot guns
>That’s ruled out a bunch of the cartoons Jake thought she’d let you watch
>It can’t be worse than ‘Zombie-rillas 5: Gone Ape’
>Sneaking out to watch that with Dash and Pinkie was a ton of fun
>Getting caught wasn’t
>Twilight stops some of the cartoons you watch here before they get to the end and tries to pass off some touchy-feely story as the real ending
>She’s almost as bad at making up stories as she is at lying
>If she was as good at making stories as her mom, you wouldn't mind the changes
>They're totally unnecessary either way
>The cartoons aren’t much worse than Equestrian cartoons for kids your age
>Whatever, bringing glow-hop animal to the buffalo-lady who isn’t actually a buffalo
>*URRrrrrp*
>Then again, the game can wait
>This one’s actually addressed partly to you


Twilight, Spike,


I feel like saying “hello” to my sister and honorary brother. How are things? I was one of the unicorns
lending magic to the projection spell earlier. I got to be in one of the front rows, so I got a decent view of
you even if you couldn’t see me. I wish I could be there for you, Twilight. I wanted to be along with
Pinkie, but it would have doubled the magic needed for the spell. Who was that first human that said
those weird words, like gahd and fukk? He was the first to notice Pinkie. I’m back on duty, by the way.
Whatever it is you were going to tell the world about humans, PLEASE don’t do it yet. My hooves are full
enough without any riots. I wanted to get back to Cadence ASAP, but it’s clear that I’m needed here.
These vanara are insane. I count five of those stretchy-armed rascals hanging from the chandeliers right
now, and your friends Pinkie and Rainbow have a pranksters’ alliance with some vanara to set a record
for the most whoopee-cushioned seats in one building. “Monkeying around” aside, we have a legitimate
security breach. We’ve caught two changelings impersonating guests. There’s one squad of Unicorn
Guardsp0nies trained in unmasking spells, and several thousand guests. This is going to take forever!
I can’t believe they let security degrade so far! I need to vent, and it’s you or Cadence. She’d probably
prefer to think everything is fine. Would you mind if I sent it to you?

I hope you’re feeling better than I am,
Shining Armor


>What kind of word is ‘fukk?’
>A weird one
>Maybe we should ask Twilight
>She knows a lot of words
>Yeah, but it’s a human word. Jake would probably know it better.
>He’s in the shower
>Okay, we’ll ask Twilight.

>You pause the game and get up
>Before you can even get to the door of the basement, Twilight is at the top of the stairs and hoping to get a look at the letter
>She’s not going deaf after all
“Hey Twilight, what does ‘fukk’ mean?”
>Her expression goes from anticipation to shocked and angry before you even say “mean”
>She grabs you with both forehooves and has a crazy look in her eye
>“WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT WORD?”
>Somep0ny’s angry about something
>No idea why
>You unroll the letter for her and point to the line where it said fukk
>Twilight’s crazy eyes jump between where your claw is pointing and the signature at the bottom
>They slowly de-crazy, but she looks and sounds a little annoyed
>“Oh, that just figures.”
>She lets go of you and levitates the letter to the side
>“Spike, never say that word. It’s rude, uncivilized, and human.”
“What do you mean by ‘human?’”
>“Look, I don’t know exactly what that word means, but it’s…”
>Now she’s going from impatient to realizing she’s forgotten something, then back to annoyance
>“I’m going to go look it up.”


>She turns around and heads downstairs again
>Might as well follow.
>You’re going down the stairs with her as she does the glowy-clicky thing with the computer
>By the time you’re both at the computer, she’s already read and closed the thingy and turns to you
>“It means ‘to strike or perform lewd acts.’ In other words, it’s human.”

>She keeps using that word
>I don’t think it means what she thinks it means

>You cross your arms in front of you and try to look upset
“Twilight, what do you think of the humans we’re living with?”
>“What? Oh, I’m fine with them! I meant humans in general. Between you and me, I think we might have gotten lucky.”
“Put the internet thing up again.”
>“Why?”
“I’m going to show you why I think humans are good.”
>“Because they make good candy?”
“No, the other reason. Put the internet thing up again.”
>She stares at you like she doesn’t know what to do
>Eventually, she turns back to the computer and puts the internet thingy up
“Go to you tube. Look up the faces of evil intro.”
>She gives you a doubting glance, but doesn’t say anything
“Trust me. I bet you can’t watch fifteen seconds of that movie without changing your mind about what ‘human’ means.”
>Twilight continues to internet and finds the video you’re talking about
>She puts her ear-cords in her ears and starts the cartoon


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNpLXo55yfw
(Youtube link: Play the video muted, mah boi. Immersion is what all true 2nd-person stories strive for!)



>It’s hard to gauge her reaction because she’s looking away from you
>At first, it seems like she’s confused about why she’s being told to watch some cartoon with horrible voice acting and bad animation
>Then the king pops up and says his line
>Then she’s just confused
>She rewinds the video a few times, probably to make sure she heard it right
>You wait for her to stop, but she doesn’t
>She doesn’t get that “Peace is what all true warriors strive for,” it seems

>Betcha two bits that she’s overthinking it.
>We don’t have any bits, and your bits are my bits
>I’m betting imaginary bits. Let’s head upstairs and see how long it takes for her to stop.

>You head back to your videogame
>Blah blah blah, give glow animal thing to buffalo-lady, jump into magic pool
>Banjo and Kazooie are now a mighty T-rex
>A mighty baby T-rex


>What a rip off.
>Maybe it can bite things really hard
>Try pressing the attack button
>Good idea.
>…Nothing’s happening. 
>Let’s check the strategy guide and see if there’s a reason for that
>Reading, reading, more reading
>Ooh! There’s a way to transform Kazooie into a dragon but keep Banjo normal. We should do that later. What do we do with this baby dinosaur?
>We need to go talk to this family of dinosaurs here and then go to this door
>Alright, easy enough.
>You duck and weave the baby T-rex around the dinosaurs that are jerks to find the dinosaurs that aren’t jerks
>Inside their cave, you try talking to each one and eventually find the one that gives you the special ability
>It’s roaring
>Just roaring? That’s it? I want an ATTACK when I press the attack button. I’m gonna press the attack button right now. This roar had better do something awesome.

>“Rawr.”

>That can’t be right. All the other transformo-huts made them into something that could fight somehow. I’m gonna try again.

>“Rawr.”

>This is such a rip off. I wanted to play as a big dinosaur and stomp on stuff like we could with that statue guy in the first level.
>Maybe it’ll bite if you hold down the button, like “raaaawr-*chomp*”
>Good idea. I hope it does.

>“Raaaaawr.”

>We’re still holding the button down, and there’s no chomp. This is the biggest rip off ever.
>Wait, there was one of those skull-magician magic casting spots outside the hut
>His magic ability in this level is to make things big


>Maybe we can make the hut and pool bigger to make it transform them into a bigger dinosaur
>Very good idea!
>Let’s explore the level like this, first
>I don’t like that idea as much as the last two ideas.
>We’re doing it anyway
>It’ll be something to do while Jake’s out getting dinner
>You hear the shower stop and Jake comes out a little bit after that
>He’s wearing dry clothes
>You still don’t know when humans do or don’t wear clothes
>Wearing them into the shower might save time
>Wash self, wash clothes, save water and soap
>He goes into his room before you can ask him about balls of meat
>Actually, I think he might have told us about those earlier
>You know, in the Mario cartoon where he says “Now I know how a meatball feels”
>Oh right. Nevermind.
>Bla blah blah exploring
>Here’s a door with a picture of a dinosaur on it. Let’s read the sign next to it.
>‘short, short, long, short, long, long’
>What does that mean?
>The only short and long things I can think of are the roars
>Try rawring and raaaawring that pattern

>Twilight’s done with being confused by the thing you showed to her
>You can hear her coming up the stairs
>She stops behind you and watches you try to get the code right
>Usually she’s not interested, but she is this time
>“Did you just make that dinosaur speak in Morse code?”
“No, I made it speak in dinosaur.”
>“I mean the combination of long and short roars sounded like this code that Jon’s teaching me. I could have sworn it said ‘FM’ just then.”


>No clue what she’s talking about. You?
>Same here
>Let’s ask her what she wants

“Did you want me to send a reply to Shining?”
>“No, it was that video you had me watch. It… I’m trying to reconcile this with their history and modern behavior. They want peace, and they’d fight for peace, but they don’t have it. I don’t get it. What’s keeping them from at least scaling back on all this war?”

>Hey ‘smart side.’ You owe me bits.
>I never accepted the bet
>Darn.

“I don’t know. Point is that humans want the same things as us.”
>“I know they want the same thing. This isn’t the first time their media has referenced a desire for peace, but it’s the first time I’ve heard them say they’d fight for peace. If they want it that bad, why-”
>“Aw ffff-”
>Jake starts saying something from inside his room
>He seems to realize he’s saying it a lot louder than he’s supposed to
>“-fffudge brownies. My shoelace broke.”
>Twilight makes the sort of face that says “hmm…” without actually saying “hmm…” and then turns towards Jake’s door
>“I’ve got a spell that could fix that.”
>There’s a long pause before Jake responds
>“…Whatever, come do it. I can’t find my sandals and there’s no way I’m leaving the house wearing Crocs. I’d get blisters AND look tacky.”
>She trots into his room with a strange smile on her face
>“I learned this from Rarity. Spike’s told you all about her, I’m sure. This is going to be a simple cloth-mending spell… no, no, leave the shoe on.”


>She leans forward to cast the spell
>Her horn is just out of view behind the doorframe, but you can see the light it’s making
>Twilight’s body language makes it seem like she’s straining to cast an easy spell
>Jake continues to be uncomfortable
>“Is this another test? You’re sure this is safe, right? I can’t go outside if my foot is fused to my shoe, and…”
>Jake stops for some reason
>He starts speaking again, just loud enough for you to hear
>“Twilight, your magic is going halfway up my thigh.”
>“And?”
>“I don’t feel afraid.”
>The glow of magic stops as she leans back upright and into view
>She’s smiling so wide that Jake can probably see her tonsils
>Just as quickly as she came back into view, she jumps further into the room
>You can’t see either of them
>Twilight sure sounds excited
>“RUB MY BELLY AND TELL ME I’M A SMART P0NY!”
>“…You’re a smart p0ny.”
>There’s an uncomfortable silence
>Jake grumbles something and speaks with fake enthusiasm
>“Twilight Sparkle is the smartest p0ny I’ve ever met!”
>“Eeheehee! It’s true!”
>Twi giggles at the fake compliments showered on her for the next three minutes, then Jake says something about feeling Twilight’s stomach rumbling and leaves the room without her
>He comes up to you and whispers
>“Is she usually this… physical?”
“Not usually. Why? What happened?”


>“She tackled me and forced me to give her bellyrubs.”
>You raise a brow in confusion
“Is that a bad thing?”
>“No, it’s just… it caught me off guard, is all. What’s gotten into her?”
>Your brow sags back into position
“She just made a breakthrough in her favorite area of science. She’ll probably be normal again by the time you come back.”
>“Is she ever ‘normal?’ How do we get her to be ‘normal?’”
“She has to be in juuust the right mood. She needs to feel like she’s accomplishing something good and doing something smart, but not too much or she’ll get all excited.”
>“No, I mean like she's having me touch her a lot. Why would she do that?”
“Beats me. She always gets excited like this if she's accomplishing something really important, though.”
>“She just did something big, I guess. Hey, Twilight!”
>You hear a coy reply from within Jake’s room
>“Yyyes?”
>“Why did want me to rub your belly?”
>“Because your hands feel good!”

>Your honor, I’d like to raise an objection.
>Motion sustained, what is your objection
>Why should Jake get all the action? I want permission to voice my displeasuredness with this injustification
>Permission to protest granted
>Also, please stop trying to use big words


“And my claws don’t feel as good?”
>“You’re still my number one assistant, even if your claws are a bit too sharp for that.”
>Jake takes over the conversation again
>“Were there any other motivating factors behind that bellyrub?”
>“I’ll tell you once I confirm my findings and you get me a salad.”
>“Yes, princess Twilight… Your loyal subject shall retrieve a meal of garden salad and meatball sandwiches.”
>Jake leaves with a weird half-frown of confusion on his face as Twilight calls after him
>“Don’t call me a princess, please! It’s only a title. I was trying to keep that from you because I knew you’d treat me different…”
>“You were acting like a princess long before you told us.” 

>Ohhh, snap! 

>Twilight is too relaxed from the bellyrubbings to be angry, so she just stays quiet as Jake walks out the door
>Distractions gone, you go back to your videogame
>You keep exploring with Banjo and Kazooie’s dinosaur form
>It’s tempting to look in the strategy guide, but Jake’s right that it’s more satisfying to figure it out on your own
>Twilight leaves Jake’s room and heads downstairs after a minute or two
>She closes the basement door behind her, for some reason

>They said not to do that because it would ruin the air flow! It’s going to get really hot in here!
>We’re a dragon
>Jake isn’t, and he’s going to want to cool off when he gets back.
>Oh, right
>Let’s go open the door for him


>You tug the string around the doorknob
>The basement is mostly dark except for the glow of Twilight’s magic
>There’s also another glow

>Probably her computer
>Let's go check anyway. We got interrupted when we were talking about peace and stuff, so we ought to go finish that conversation too.

>You tippytoe down the stairs so you don’t disturb her
>It seems like she doesn’t notice you as you come up behind her
>Twilight is looking at TWO screens

>Uh… did she get another computer from somewhere?
>It looks more like a TV made of magic, or something
>Hold on, I think I hear something coming from her head
>She doesn’t have the ear-things in. What the heck is going on?
>Shh, let’s be quiet and see if we can figure out what that sound is
>…
>That sounds like a voice
>Okay, now I’m really curious.

>You move up closer so you can hear and see better
>The magic TV thing is showing a human you don’t recognize shouting about something on a street at night
>He’s holding a sign with a big ‘t’ on it and a few words you don’t understand
>It’s sort of hearable now
>“...book of Revelation shall come to pass! We approach the end of an era, the end of life as it is known! It is coming soon, and on a pale horse it shall ride!”
>The view goes past the shouting human
>It gets a little ways past the shouting guy before his voice shouts “You there!”


>Then a hand comes up and blocks the view
>You hear a familiar human voice whisper something
>“Oh man, there aren’t even supposed to be fundies this far north.”
>“You! Sir! Are you prepared for our end? Have you accepted Jesus?”
>The view snaps back to the guy with the sign and you hear Jake speak
>“Please leave me alone.”
>“You reject your Lord and Savior?!”
>“I accept him, but you make me uncomfortable.” 
>It seems like this is all happening from Jake’s perspective
>Shouting guy lowers his voice and looks really mad, talking through his teeth
>“I feel the taint of a demon upon you. You are VERMIN.”
>“Hey, I don’t want to start anything.”
>“Your kind has no place in the kingdom of God.”
>“I’ll just be leaving now…”
>The view backs away from the shouting guy as the shouting guy shouts again
>He’d probably have a shouting cutie mark if he was a p0ny
>“SCUM!”
>You hear Jake speak before he turns around and starts walking away quickly
>“I have a knife. Please don’t follow me.”
>Twilight partly unrolls a piece of paper with a bunch of writing on it
>You haven’t seen this scroll before
>It looks like it’s a very disorganized list, but you can only see the bottom of it


Society of post-Vedic India similar to Vanara Sultanates, but includes ‘Brahman’ priest caste in addition
to Kshatriya, Vaishya, Shudra, and untouchables (all same, though human Kshatriya includes warriors.)
Caste system religious instead of purely societal. Ancient Indian society/politics heavily influenced by
Hinduism, Buddhism, some Islam. Check if Brahman are still influential.

“My little pony” phrase used on radio, possible reference to Celestia? Couldn’t look up toy line. Why is
the internet so broken for me?

Look up “Laputan machines.” Some sort of weapons? Should study human warfare in depth eventually;
might be useful. Global Security website only allows ten pages to be viewed per month without paid
subscription. Probably best not to tell Jake he recommended a site I can’t use, seek alternatives.

Do human fingers secrete mood altering chemicals? Mind-reading from having head touched? Had not
been touched on head by Jake prior to 5/27/2013, though Eliza touched me earlier. Getting scratched
behind the ears feels FANTASTIC!!! Be aware of addictive potential, especially if this is a method of
telepathy. Not likely.

Humans don’t touch other humans’ heads frequently. They say I’m acting like a cat. Meow.

Reaction to magic may have something to do with motivation of caster and/or subject. Selflessness less
likely to provoke negative reaction? Further testing required. MAGIC SCIENCE!


>She uses her magic to grab a quill and scribble ‘Revelation 6:8, “on a pale horse.” Another reference to Celestia? Trend? Not in abridged bible.’ under the lowest line 


>Okay, this is all too weird.
>Are we going to say something, or leave
>We’re going to say something, but we’re backing up first.

>You take a few steps backwards, then clear your throa- *URrrrrp*
>That works too
>Twilight flails exactly like you expected her to before she turns around
>“HELLO SPIKE I AM DOING NOTHING SUSPICIOUS HOW ARE YOU?”
“Just wondering why you closed the basement door.”
>It takes her a moment to stop hyperventilating and ask what you expect her to ask
>“…How much did you see?”
“That depends. How many reasons do I have to tell someone about this?”
>“It’s not spying if have Jake’s permission!”
>Okay, so that WAS a spying spell she was using
“So I could tell him and you wouldn’t mind?”
>“I-I would mind! A lot!”
“Why is that?”


>“BecauseImightbeabletogetushomesoonifyoudon’t!”
“Uh… could you repeat that?”
>“I might be able to get us home soon if you don’t and they might need me to use the Element of Magic on Nightmare Moon and-!”
“Twilight, you are making NO sense at all. You’ve gone paranoid again.”
>“I’m not paranoid!”
>Neither of you say anything for a couple of minutes
>All she does is shift around uncomfortably

>She’s paranoid
>She’s SOOO paranoid.
>Let’s not push her too far
>Agreed. We still need to make things right, though.

“I’m not telling anyone what I saw.”
>She sighs in relief and relaxes a bit
“But…”
>She stiffens again
“…that’s only if you tell someone before I do.”
>You stay quiet for a moment to let her think
>She mulls it over for a minute before she realizes you haven’t told her something important
>“When are you going to tell someone?”
“I haven’t really thought about that. I guess I’ll tell them if I think that you’re never going to.”
>Twilight looks away and bites her lip nervously
>You pick up the scroll you belched out a couple of minutes earlier and unroll it


Spike,

Is Twilight busy, or in a bad mood, or something? I’d like to know if I can send that letter I mentioned.
The security situation isn’t so bad that I can’t take a second send personal letters to my sister and you.
Also, I’d like to get in contact with the human I mentioned in my previous letter. It’s kind of important
that I do.

Shining Armor

“Your brother still wants to know if he can send you his rant, by the way.”
>She stops biting her lip, but can’t bring herself to look back at you
>“Tell him I’m thinking about it.”
>You walk to Twilight’s side and stand as tall as you can to see onto the desk
>Taking her quill, you scribble her reply onto the same scroll as Shining’s message and *fwoosh* it
>You look over to Twilight as you put the quill back

>I think we may have pushed a liiiiitle to hard.
>Maybe
>Empathy mode: activate.

>You reach out and put a reassuring claw on her
“Twilight, I’m not going to tell them. You don’t have to worry about that. It’s going to be easier on us all if you admit you were doing this.”
>She doesn’t say anything
>You give her a gentle pat
“Don’t worry. My lips are sealed.”
>You turn to leave, then remember something after you take a few steps
>Looking behind yourself, you’re relieved to see Twilight’s too busy worrying to be casting a spell
“Not actually sealed, please.”
>“Okay…”
>Now you really start leaving
>Twilight speaks to you one more time as you’re heading up the stairs
>“Spike?”
>You stop
“Yeah?”


>“I… I think I wanted to be caught. I started doing this because I thought Jake had used telepathy on me, but I wasn’t really thinking about how he could have done that. I thought this was fair, you know? Like, if he did it to me, then…”
>She’s terrible at lying
>That makes what she’s saying right now even more legit
>Real guilt is being felt here
“I’m sure this is all a big misunderstanding. We’ll sort this out whenever you’re ready.”
>“Spike?”
“Yes?”
>“…Thank you.”

>And now she sounds like she really appreciates being caught
>I don’t understand
>Yeah, you wouldn’t. Let’s just wait for dinner.

>You’re about to hop back onto the couch when you hear the kitchen door open and shut
>Jake calls out that dinner’s served

>Finally.

>You wait for Twilight to come upstairs and do a little right-to-left zipper motion across your mouth for her
>She smiles and nods as she passes you, then you follow her into the kitchen for dinner
>Jake sees you both coming down the hallway and quips about how you’re both fire hazards
>“Good to see that I can leave the two of you alone and not have the house burn down.”
>“That reminds me, actually…”
>A piece of scrap paper and a pen levitate over to Twilight as Jake sets the table
>Twilight scribbles out a quick note and gives it to you
>You *fwoosh* it as you take your seat
>On the table in front of you, there is a long bun of bread filled with cheese, tomato sauce, and balls of ground meat
>It smells delicious


>Losing no time, you start chomping it down and chugging the sugary orange soda Jake brought with it
>Twilight watches you with concern, then asks Jake something that makes you gag
>“Are you sure there’s no horse meat in that?”
>“Not completely, but it’s so unlikely that I wasn’t even considering it. Why, did you read about that scandal in Europe?”

>Okay, nevermind. Resuming eating.

>Jake starts eating his meatball sandwich as well, but Twilight waits to finish her reply before digging into her salad
>“I went through the Associated Press’s YouTube channel to catch up on recent news. Hugo Chavez’s death, Pope Francis, Mali, that sort of thing. Kind of hard to believe we got here right in the middle of that food scandal and I didn’t hear about it…”
>Now it’s Jake’s turn
>“Yeah, we figured you wouldn’t appreciate hearing about that.”
>They go back and forth, eating while the other is speaking
>Jake takes a bite of his meatball tomato cheese thing as Twilight talks
>“Thanks, I suppose. I don’t want anything hidden, though. I want to know EVERYTHING.”
>“Does ‘EVERYTHING’ include the comments on YouTube?”
>“Yes, and I lost a little faith in humanity because of that.”
>“I don't blame you. Any videos in particular?”
>“Pretty much all of the ones that have a list of the top headlines.”
>“It’s arguing about politics on the internet. We don’t exactly vet the debaters for anything, so it’s going to be full of crazies.”

>They’re talking about things we don’t know about. Booooring.


>“Why are humans so hostile on the internet and not in normal interaction?”
>“Anonymity’s part of it. No consequences for being an obnoxious nutjob like the guy who yelled at me a few minutes ago.” 
>“So… the internet proves the ‘rings of Gyges’ argument?”

>The whozits of whatnow?
>Rings of guy geez
>No, I don’t know what those are

>“Not necessarily, Twilight. People do plenty of thankless things over the internet as well. It’s a condensed presentation of human interaction. There are nice people, there are people who stand off to the side and almost never say anything, and then there’s the AP’s comments section. It depends a lot on where you’re looking. This guy who yelled at me, though, he was something. Can I tell you about him?”
>Twilight gives him an unenthusiastic grunt of approval through a mouthful of lettuce
>Jake chuckles to himself quietly before he starts speaking again
>“First time I went past him, he was acting like he was chosen by god to preach about the end of the world. He said some schizoid nonsense about how I’d been tainted by a demon, too. I go past the same spot on the other side of the street after I grab our dinner, and he’s bent over the hood of a cop car for disturbing the peace and resisting arrest. Those religious nuts, man… they don’t do it for religion. They do it for their ego. If this was about religion, they’d be humble, understanding people.”


>Yup, that was a spying spell, all right
>He just said the same thing as what we heard a few minutes ago

>You look over to Twilight, trying to cue her into admitting what she’s done, but she ignores you and keeps talking to Jake
>“You sound disillusioned with religion.”
>“I feel like religion wouldn’t give me any tangible benefits, and people like that guy don’t do anything to make religion more appealing to me. Extremists ruin any cause they follow. No exceptions.”
>Twilight doesn’t reply to that, and just continues eating her salad
>Jake takes this as a cue to change the topic
>“I’m appealing my grade for that college course, by the way. I’m pretty sure the professor didn’t even read my essay. I’m just waiting to hear back from him or the dean of students.”
>She DOES respond this time
>“Best of luck with that. Getting a bad grade over a misunderstanding is one of my biggest peeves.”
>“I’m just sad he rejected it before he knew enough to pass judgment. Hint hint.”
>She stabs a tiny tomato with her fork and replies in an annoyed tone
>“Hint taken.”


>“Hey, I’m sorry, but if you want me to be honest then I’m going to keep you honest, too.”
>“No, I fell into that one myself. I’m going to be here a while, so I might as well revise my opinion to make it bearable. Actually, speaking of prejudices… why are those John Wayne movies so harsh on Aboriginal Americans?”
>“I think it has to do with the time of their production. People were overtly racist back then, and everyone was preoccupied with the Soviet Union. It’s probably a ‘redskin’/‘red communist’ allegory.”

>Ooh! I think they’re talking about something we know about! Jon said this is one of the reasons he rides a bike instead of using a car. I think. Maybe.
>Go ahead and join the conversation
>Try not to say anything too stupid this time

“Allegory? Isn’t that the guy who says the planet’s going to mel- *URRRRRRpPPp*
>There’s a rolled up scroll in your tomato sauce
>The queasiness of hearing about humans eating horses made you miss the warning signs
>You take a napkin and wipe the scroll off before you unroll it


Thanks. I wanted to get this on paper so I don’t end up publicly ranting.
Just… ugh. How do people this stupid get through officers’ school?

I don’t know what goes through the heads of those three dolts. Sometimes I wish I did, sometimes I’m
glad I don’t. If I could hear what my lieutenants are thinking right now, it would be pure silence. The
largest scientific gathering in history is presently occurring. Celestia and Luna are in attendance, as are
countless other VIPs. Meanwhile, my subordinates are too busy arguing about how to secure the castle
to actually secure it! The background checking they did was a joke; these idiots didn’t even check half of
the attendees’ names! One of the bugs we caught was calling itself Chang Ling. No one had seen him
here until 8 days ago, but no investigation was made because he gave a shoddy excuse. CHANG LING.
Literally one letter away from spelling ‘changeling.’ How did that not throw up a red flag? Is Chang Ling
even a real person?! Now we have to send a messenger all the way to the Xiezhi Qilin Jiti just to find out
if this guy’s a doppelganger or just unimaginative!


I’d put them on latrine duty, but I don’t think there are enough toilets in the entire city for that.
Shining Armor

P.S.
Jake, I saw you trying to comfort Twilight during the projection spell. That means a lot to me.
Send me a letter sometime.


>Wow, Chang Ling? How far off their game do they have to be to miss that?
>If I had to estimate, I’d say PRETTY DARN FAR
>Twilight leans over to see the scroll
>“Chang Ling? Wow. There’s adding insult to injury, and then there’s a changeling who slips by security with a name like that.”
>“What’s this about changelings?”
>Now Jake is leaning over you as well
>Getting kind of cramped
>“I requested that my brother go back on duty before I send a specimen of human tissue. I guess I made the right call, seeing how we have a shapeshifting and possibly multilingual bug problem.”
“Guess so. Hey, can I have some room, please?”
>They both back away a little and Twilight levitates the scroll away from you
>You go back to your sandwich, which is nearly finished
>Twilight holds the scroll open for a few more seconds before rolling it up again
>Both of them go back to their seats, then Jake speaks up
>“I guess it’s time to get an expert opinion of whether I really remind you of your brother.”
>“Believe me, you do.”
>“So, once we’re done with the Westerns, what do you want to watch?”
>“Let’s get to the war movies last. Actually, no. Second to last. Let’s get to the scary movies last. I’ll let you pick what’s next.”
>“Well, we’re not watching Saving Private Ryan on D-Day. That also rules out Forrest Gump, because I know that one has a war sequence. I was hoping you’d watch that one sooner rather than later.”


>“Any reason for that?”
>“Forrest Gump’s got a decent overview of the latter half of the 20th century. I figured it would help you get up to speed. It’s that or the opening credits to Watchmen’s film adaptation.”
>Twilight shrugs
>“Meh. If it’s not too much war then we’ll just skip over it like we did in ‘Fort Apache.’”
>There isn’t a sandwich in your claws because you ate it
“Hey Twilight, is it okay if I leave the table?”
>“Go ahead. Actually, it’s kind of late. Would you shut your game down and go to bed, please?”

>But we didn’t get to play as the big stompy dinosaur! Don't you remember how fun it was to play as that statue that skull shaman guy brought to life in the first level?
>Too bad, we’re tired and we’re full of warm food
>But stomping around as a big dinosaur…
>Maybe we’ll dream about that
>Let’s let Jake and Twilight have their movie night WHICH ISN’T ENDING IN TEARS LIKE YOU SAID IT WOULD
>Give it time.



#IRCAddamsLocal
Server time 6/1/2013, 21:01

21:01:15@Basement: uyhjljnkoinukjljlll;’hhhuyddhowdoesthisthingwork;;’’]\;
21:01:35@Basement: hello
21:01:57@Basement: heello
21:02:22@Basement: helloisany1onethere
21:03:16@Basement: ihopeididntbreaktyhistwilightwouldbemad
21:03:39@JakeLaptop has signed on
21:03:50@JakeLaptop: Go to bed, Spike.
21:04:21@Basement: whatnnothisistwilightscompoteritshernotspikespikeisinbed
21:04:29@Jakelaptop: Twilight is right here. Upstairs. Waving at me.
21:04:35@JakeLaptop: We both hear you down there.
21:04:46@JakeLaptop: Do you see that wide, blank button at the bottom of the keyboard?
21:04:52@Basement: noyoudonthearanythingyes
21:05:02@JakeLaptop: Press that button whenever you finish typing a word.
21:05:17@Basement: like this is this how i do it/
21:05:36@JakeLaptop: Yes. And press the button labeled “Backspace” if you want to get rid of something you typed before you enter it. Now go to bed. We’ll teach you how to use the computer later.
21:05:49@Basement: am i in trouble
21:06:07@JakeLaptop: Twilight says “only if you keep touching my property and don’t go to bed.”
21:06:12@Basement: ok
21:06:39@Basement: oh and why does you tube look different/
21:06:47@JakeLaptop: Because of reasons. Go to bed.



Part 7 (Author's note: This part is really long, too. I need to learn to control myself. Sorry for the delay in posting the whole thing; the thread I post it in for previewing and critique went on a temporary hiatus. Please check out 4chan's Ponies in/on Earth thread, especially if you're interested in writing something based on the concept of ponies coming to Earth. Nearly all genres and formats are accepted. [Edit: it merged back into the AiE threads.]

http://pastebin.com/u/PiEArchive has similar stories as well as links to archived threads.)

(Oh, and have a little LD side story for being so patient. http://pastebin.com/3Y92tccc )


>Tuesday, June 4, 6:19pm
>Year 22 and ‘what's up with Twilight?’ on Earth
>You are Jake Addams
>Things are a little as of late
>Crazier than usual
>Twilight decided to restart the testing now that she knows she won’t put you into a cold sweat and have to smell your BO all the time
>Right now, you’re strapped to the wall above her bed by a few strands of magic around your chest, waist, thighs, and shins
>You’ve been there for about thirty minutes now, reading to pass the time
>You’ll probably be there for at least another hour because Twilight wants to do an endurance test
>She didn’t say whether it’s a test of your endurance or hers
>Sometimes the magic is as solid as steel, sometimes it’s like you’re in a hammock of rubber bands
>So it’s probably hers
Thankfully, you’re not feeling the primal fear that magic used to give you
>No regular fear either, because the drop would be about six inches sideways onto a mattress
>She COULD tighten her grip until your ribcage collapses in on your lungs (and your heart, if you’re lucky) but she really resents the implication that she’d use her magic for violence
>She probably won’t, but it’s your disadvantage that keeps you on edge
>There’s literally nothing you could do against magic
>Someone like her shouldn’t be that powerful
>That’s reason in itself to be afraid of her


>You’re also moderately sure she’s gone into heat, or something
>Can that happen to p0nies?
>She hasn’t said anything about that
>None of the books you’ve seen have even touched on the topic of p0ny romance and what signs are given when p0ny wants to p0ny p0ny
>Telling someone that you’re naked and then feeling their legs all in the same evening is probably universal
>Even if the touching was done with magic
>Asking her about flirting could end in disaster if she takes it the wrong way
>You’re in the dark
>Meanwhile, she’s practically dragging you around the bases with all of this cuddling and ear-scratching, telling you that you remind her of her brother the whole time
>It reminds you of the totally not incestuous and not creepy relationship in the ‘Friendship is Witchcraft’ parodies, and possibly also Equestria Girls’ Brad
>This is something you’re not sure you’re okay with
>It feels forced
>Both in Equestria Girls and in your present situation
>This bullshit with Spike and the phone could make this go fully public


>She may make you the real life ‘Brad,’ thereby destroying more ships than the Pacific theater of World War Two
>Brad is the last thing you want to be identified with
>The death threats would never end
>And that’s if the majority of people would be okay or neutral to you being the first human to have a romantic relationship with a real live My Little P0ny
>This had better stay under wraps
>If a cute girl with an appealing personality is throwing herself at you in a situation that wouldn’t result in daily sperg-rage fueled assassination attempts, you’d be hesitant to say no
>If she's a master wizard who can use spells to ensure your sex life is perpetually interesting, it would be insane to say no
>…except maybe in this case
>She’s a horse, after all
>Horsefuckery in general is a bit of a gray area for you
>That old image macro is sort of right when it says ‘your dick can’t tell the difference’ between plot and ass, but your brain can, and your brain is still on the fence about this
>Then there’s everyone else in the house
>They’d find out for sure


>You’re conflicted about whether you’d willingly say yes if Twilight says she wants you to give her the D
>Who knows what they’d think if they learn that she got the D from you?
>Your parents are pretty open, but this is horsefucking we’re talking about
>And what would Celestia think?
>She’s in another dimension or some shit (Twilight never did explain that to anyone), but if Celestia gets pissed at you for banging her student, you may be several kinds of fucked
>Possibility of kinky magic-sex or not, this is not the ideal horsefucking situation
>At least Twilight hasn’t tied you down all the way and stripped your pants off in a frenzied attempt to get a hot monkey dicking
>This is only a friendship
>The situation is possibly under control
>Keep her calm and happy, but be honest with her
>If it means making her smile and not getting reverse-raped, you’ll go through with the magic testing
>Anything for that smile of hers
>Holy FUCK is that smile cute
>Not the sexy kind of cute, just the endearing kind
>Not the ‘you gonna get raped’ kind of smile, either
>It’s not horrifying enough to be a rape-smile
>Or horrifying ever, really


>You wish she’d just tell you how magic works, already
>The least she could do is give you those books so you could read up and get that hidden letter from Celestia and Luna
>You’re not going to get the spellbooks easily, though
>She needs to trust you
>The quickest way to do this is to let her do experiments on you
>Not ideal, but if it works, it works
>At least she let you keep your arms free so you can read the history book she gave you
>It’s kind of hard to read when the magic keeps going slack and breaking your attention
>You’re also strapped to the wall right behind her, so you can see what she’s doing on the computer
>You recommended a couple of songs for the transition between jazz and rock a few minutes ago
>Her reactions were strange
>Even though ‘I Will Survive’ is about a breakup, Twilight was really movin’ and groovin’ when she was listening to it
>Then she got to your second recommendation, ‘Stand By Me’
>She tensed up as soon as the first line of vocals finished
>She wouldn’t tell you why
>It seems like she got past it as soon as it got to the chorus, though


>You wish she’d just tell you how magic works, already
>The least she could do is give you those books so you could read up and get that hidden letter from Celestia and Luna
>You’re not going to get the spellbooks easily, though
>She needs to trust you
>The quickest way to do this is to let her do experiments on you
>Not ideal, but if it works, it works
>At least she let you keep your arms free so you can read the history book she gave you
>It’s kind of hard to read when the magic keeps going slack and breaking your attention
>You’re also strapped to the wall right behind her, so you can see what she’s doing on the computer
>You recommended a couple of songs for the transition between jazz and rock a few minutes ago
>Her reactions were strange
>Even though ‘I Will Survive’ is about a breakup, Twilight was really movin’ and groovin’ when she was listening to it
>Then she got to your second recommendation, ‘Stand By Me’
>She tensed up as soon as the first line of vocals finished
>She wouldn’t tell you why
>It seems like she got past it as soon as it got to the chorus, though


>Right now, she has a stream of NPR’s local broadcast running as she browses for stuff about how humans do medicine
>You’d block all streaming, but that’s not going to make any difference because you can’t block the radio signals
>She would just ask for a little radio to use downstairs
>Recent browsing history that’s of note: Deus Ex, Gulliver’s Travels, a little about the politics and events of the 1960s, more books and music, nothing about war and weapons, and a fuckton about hands
>As if she didn’t get a good enough look at your hand on the night you agreed to these tests
>It’s entirely possible that she’s gone Lyra and wants the hand instead of the D, but that still counts as horsefucking in your book
>She didn’t look up any porn, so it’s unclear if she has a hand-specific fetish for humans, or if she wants the D (or anything) at all
>She straight up lied about taking walks in Google Streetview
>That was the first thing you checked after dinner last Saturday
>Your firewall shows only twenty minutes of activity on Google Maps ever since she got her computer
>Bullshit “I’m making a habit of it,” Purplesmart; she’s barely checked what it is
>You can’t exactly call her on it
>Secret surveillance works best when it’s a secret
>So unless there are consequences to whatever she did to learn of that Italian restaurant, you’re not doing anything
>Fuckdammit
>It’s only fair that you do something to punish her, but she’s untouchable


>She’s also been picking boring movies to watch lately
>‘Maltese Falcon’ was okay, but the idea of a detective that doesn’t carry a gun seems silly, and ‘Citizen Kane’ wasn’t very entertaining since you already knew the Rosebud spoiler
>Between the Wild West shootouts and the ‘Nam firefight in ‘Forrest Gump,’ she’s sick of all the violence
>Somewhat literally sick of it, even though she had you skip almost all of the Vietnam segment
>Twilight also insists on skipping the sex scenes, presumably because they would be awkward to watch this early in the relationship (if it’s a relationship)
>You haven’t seen some of these movies before, so you’d like to watch them all the way through without interruption
>Unfortunately, what Twilight says, goes
>And she doesn't like watching horses being ridden, so the westerns are done
>You wanted her to watch ‘Blazing Saddles’ because it transitions into the next theme you wanted her to see
>The cowboys and injuns theme in some of the westerns was only touching on it
>On second thought, hitting her over the head with “The sheriff’s a nigg*GONG*” would probably be a little too blunt
>You’re not sure if she even caught the point you wanted to get across with the westerns, though she did let out a tidbit of Equestrian history you were wondering about


>In ‘The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly’ one of the characters (‘The Bad,’ a ruthless bounty hunter) was called ‘Angel Eyes’ 
>Strangely enough, this segued into a conversation about what it means for Twilight to be a princess, and how the first alicornization happened shortly after Discord’s defeat
>That coronation was for ‘Angel,’ a blond pegasus with a white coat who went out of her way as a doctor to help Discord’s victims
>According to Twilight and ‘Everything Equestria has Endured,’ a ‘princess’ holds no authority unless the two actual Princesses appoint her to do something
>It’s still a title deserving of respect and a symbolic induction into Celestia and Luna’s family
>You got the feeling that she brought this up just to get her mind off the idea of an ‘angel’ being immoral and cruel, like ‘Angel Eyes’
>At least you got her through the end of ‘The Outcast Josey Wales,’ which is about a fugitive Confederate soldier fleeing from the end of the Civil War after his chance at surrender turns bloody
>The fugitive’s name is Josey Wales, of course
>You had some good discussions with her over that movie
>You discussed the ethics of owning a living being and branding cows, following up on a similar conversation about the accidentally-purchased Indian wife in ‘The Searchers’


>It was also fun debating whether one of the Union soldiers’ quotes about “winning the peace after winning the war” could be applied to modern conflicts, and she allowed you to go on a rant about the snake oil salesman in the movie
>The gist of the rant was that the Boston Big Dig tunnel project is a perfect example of what can go wrong in capitalism
>It wasted public money, it went over budget and past deadlines, then it killed a woman when a ceiling panel in the Ted Williams Tunnel fell on her car a few years ago
>All that because the embezzling executives in charge of it wanted money for themselves instead of for materials that met the standards
>Needless to say, you have a bit of a problem with capitalism and how it encourages this sort of behavior
>Twilight caught onto this rather quickly
>She didn’t approve, because the logical alternative to a free market is one that has no freedom
>You had to clarify to her that you think Winston Churchill’s quote about Democracy being “the worst system of government, except for the other ones that are tried from time to time” could be applied just as easily to economies and capitalism, and that the Soviet Union was essentially the same as Tsarist Russia
>It’s the same shit under a different flag
>Needless to say, you have a bit of a problem with how everyone seems to think that there’s some fundamental difference between Russia’s communist and capitalist phases


>It’s still nobles riding the backs of downtrodden, uneducated peasants while a deified leader strokes his ego
>The only difference being that the post-October Revolution peasants are under threat of death if they complain and the nobles are more organized
>On paper, it was supposed to be nothing but happiness and beet soup
>The reality is that Marx didn’t account for the main flaw of so many social systems: people will always act like people, not emotionless flesh-robots that always place collective interests before their own
>You’re not sure how much of the rant Twilight actually listened to
>It’s pretty clear that she heard your conclusion about how you only kept talking because you like to hear the sound of your own voice
>You did swear to be honest, after all
>She came close to laughing at that, and it was SO FUCKING CUTE
>The TV show doesn’t do justice to how adorkable she is in person when she’s not acting like a needy bitch
>She definitely heard the word ‘communism,’ because she mentioned that the Xiezhi’s strong justice system has made collective living the norm in the Xiezhi Qilin Collective
>Thanks to them, Twilight got a justified opportunity to rub Equestria’s utopiousness (is that a word?) in your face again
>You’ll let her have that one because it was appropriate and she wasn’t overbearing about how awesome Equestria-world is


>‘Josey Wales’ did a good job of continuing the ‘red indian’/‘red communist’ allegory
>It was made in the 70s, when people were so sure that the Cold War would last forever in a stalemate
>Near the end, there’s a big lead-up to a fight with some Native Americans
>Josey gives a semi-inspirational speech to the people helping him make his cottage siegeworthy, saying “When things look bad and it looks like you’re not going to make it, you’ve got to get mean, and I mean plumb, mad dog mean. If you lose your head, you neither live nor win.”
>That’s some damn good advice
>You ought to find a way to make Twilight take it
>She’s too thin-skinned
>If she gets into an actual life-or-death situation on Earth, she might panic
>She’s quite possibly the most powerful being on the planet
>She'll need to remember that if her life depends on it
>Anyway, it looks like Josey and the Native Americans are going to end up killing each other
>A couple of the people in Josey’s party get kidnapped by a tribe of Native Americans and buried up to their necks near an anthill 
>Then Josey casually rides into the tribe’s camp on his faithful steed, fully prepared to go out in a blaze of glory (that horse must be stronger than it looks if it can carry a man with balls that big)
>Josey looks the chieftain in the eye the way that only characters played by Clint Eastwood can…
>…And makes a blood pact to live on their land peacefully, freeing the two prisoners in the process
>ANTICLIMAX!


>The chieftain says something like “Governments don’t live together: people do. Men can live together without butchering each other.”
>It’s all touchy-feely, but you agree with the first part of that quote more than the second part
>You commented on how it was like the First World and the Second World agreeing not to kill eachother and let everyone do their own thing after the Cuban Missile Crisis put the fear of death into people
>Twilight commented on how it was similar to the founding of Equestria in Buffalo territory, and she liked the latter half of that chieftain’s quote more
>And then she commented on how she didn’t like how horses were ridden through bushes and down ledges during the actual climax, where the Union soldiers that were tracking Josey finally catch up to him
>Crazily enough, you’re actually starting to like being around Twilight
>She complains a lot, but she’s really fun to talk to
>Continuing on the topic of crazy things, there’s the p0ny fandom
>You’ve been keeping tabs on it to update the filter
>Which it REALLY needs to be because p0ny is re-entering the public consciousness during the run-up to Equestria Girls
>Two websites Twilight’s been trying and trying and trying to visit are ‘http://www.npr.org/templates/rundowns/rundown.php?prgId=35&prgDate=6-1-2013’ and pretty much every search engine’s results for ‘my little pony’
>You spent so much of that day just making sure that the autosuggestions were also blocked
>Too fucking close


>All that because of a program that’s supported listeners like you
>Donate now and we’ll send you a gift basket and register you for a drawing to win a cruise in the Caribbean
>Et tu, public radio?
>Wasn’t the Deviantart scare enough?
>She’s been running up against the web filter so much that she has to suspect something by now
>If she sees you browsing the internet, you’re equally fucked as if she gets something the filter didn’t catch
>MLP’s internet following needs to be watched like a hawk at this point
>Partly to update your blacklist, but also because it’s still strangely comforting
>Even though you’ve got a pone of your own, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be
>You’re still in the fandom because you can never get off the ride, even if your life has been derailed in the service of Princess Twilight
>Pone fandom is going over the goddamn edge, maybe for real this time
>The announcement of Alicorn Twilight tore them apart, Hasbro’s legal department canning the ‘Fighting is Magic’ fan game tore them apart, the announcement of Equestria Girls tore them apart, and Faust visiting 4chan is tearing them apart right now
>At least /mlp/ made a “thank you” collage for her (parts of the collage were porn)
>Now there’s the rumor that ‘Brad’ from Equestria Girls is not only going to be Twilight’s official boyfriend from now on, but she’s going to bring him from humanland to Equestria and have him ponified so they can get married as well


>This is rustling so many jimmies it’s not even funny
>Okay, it’s sort of funny
>That’s beside the point
>It’s almost like Hasbro is deliberately trying to kill the brony phenomenon off with controversy after controversy
>The fandom refuses to die, but it’s losing its fucking mind
>Continuing even further on the topic of madness, Equestria went through nearly ten years of Discord fucking everything up before Celestia and Luna sprang into existence
>And then it took them all of a day to get Discord into a position where they could use the Elements of Harmony on him
>It took a good two decades more before Equestria had been cleaned up from all of Discord’s fuckery and be considered a legitimate country again instead of a disaster zone with a government
>They finished unfucking Equestria almost exactly 1500 years ago
>The book claims it would’ve taken longer without Celestia and Luna at the helm, but it’s weirdly scarce on details about how they came to exist as natural alicorns
>It just says that Celestia and Luna were first witnessed fighting Discord and imprisoning him with the Elements of Harmony
>Everyp0ny who saw it was so awestruck that they insisted that the sisters govern their country, especially after the sisters explained they were the manifestations of a collective will to overthrow Discord and live in Harmony
>Capital ‘H’ again
>The book finally got around to explaining Harmony, but it’s clearly for someone who already knows the concept


>Friendship is magic because magic ties the universe together like friendship ties people together
>Something like that
>Anyway, the entire mob that had gathered around Celestia and Luna spontaneously decided that these mysterious but extremely well-spoken earth pony/pegasus/unicorn hybrids were the ideal leaders
>And they were pretty much right
>Twilight wasn’t kidding when she was praising the bejeebus out of them
>They’re athletic, they’ve made several pieces of fine art, they’re fair and just, and they possess genius-level intelligence
>Celestia and Luna are spectacular at nearly anything, though Celestia is technically stellar (ha ha)
>Celly and Lulu confirmed for renaissance mares/Mary Sues
>You think they’re pretty good
>Sombra, on the other hand/hoof/appendage…
>Sombra had something against them
>He was born into a noble family about 450 years before Nightmare Moon was banished 1003 years ago, and went into politics at the age of 24
>By the age of 30, he was a local governor in the temperate mountains of northern Equestria
>It’s unclear when he developed his obsession with crystals
>Having been born in the early years of Equestria, he’d witnessed a few secessions from early Equestria and read even more about the secessions that occurred before Discord’s rule


>Coltalunia seceded first because they didn’t accept English/Equestrian as the new national language
>Then the Isles of Bittania seceded because they weren’t part of the mainland and felt culturally excluded
>And then there’s Trotland, one of the original unicorn tribal areas, which almost did a seception
>Which is to say that they wanted to secede from Bittania, which had seceded from Equestria
>It starts to sound familiar at this point
>Up until now, it was human history in the wrong order and with p0nies
>Now it’s just with p0nies
>Shit, even the geography is familiar
>Anyway, the Trottish were culturally different enough from the Bittish that secession sounded like a good idea
>They would’ve gone through with it if Starswirl wasn’t a native Trotlander
>He helped to resolve this dispute before they went any deeper
>As soon as you got to that section, Twilight talked your ear off about how his mad diplomatic skillz and magical innovations impressed Celestia and Luna so much that they appointed him as their chief advisor
>He’s supposed to be the one who discovered the age spells that have kept the Princesses alive so long, and he himself lived at least 480 years until his presumed death 437 years before Nightmare Moon’s banishment
>Starswirl is believed to be the only p0ny who was alive through all the events between the fall of the Pegasi Empire and the rise of the Princesses
>The only thing you DON’T know about Starswirl now is how he died


>Twilight doesn’t know either>Starswirl just vanished one day and was never heard from again
>The popular guess is that he had some sort of accident while experimenting with magic
>In any case, the Princesses fixed everything Discord broke, reunified with the areas that had seceded, then made Equestria better than it ever was
>There was a golden age
>The two areas that had seceded agreed to be Equestrian territory again if they could manage their own affairs
>Scholarly subjects and art flourished
>During this time, Starswirl made some of his most complicated spells
>P0nies lived in Harmony (capital ‘H’) and peace (not capitalized)
>The first alicornization coronation had occurred 
>P0nies had something to aspire to in life, and without Discord around, they had nothing to fear
>Everything was hunky-dory
>Nop0ny had a reason to complain, but Sombra thought “Fuck this shit, I’m going to secede BECAUSE I CAN. Also, I love crystals.”


>And then he seceded BECAUSE HE COULD, crowning himself the first king of the Crystal Kingdom
>At first, everyone was like “Dunno why you’d want to leave utopia or name a kingdom ‘Crystal Kingdom’ when it’s just a regular kingdom that’s got a normal amount of crystals, but you can do your own thing if it’s not hurting anyone.”
>So people were okay with it, if a little confused
>That was until Sombra kicked out all the p0nies except for earth p0nies
>Then a bunch of p0nies were like “Yeah, not cool bro. My cousin lived there. Past tense. He doesn’t live there anymore. Now he’s sleeping on my couch because you’re being a dick.”
>After that dick move, Sombra pulled the dickest of dick moves
>He used dark magic to turn all the p0nies in his kingdom into crystal ponies, all the architecture into crystal stuff, and put up magical mental blocks so his subjects would feel physical pain every time they thought about working against him
>Sombra started calling all of his subjects ‘slaves’ and referring to his kingdom as an ‘empire’ at this point
>He also said he would never allow a princess to be heir to his empire, either through succession or conquest
>That last one is thought to have been intended as a personal insult to Celestia and Luna
>The reaction from Equestria was a resounding “OH SHIT, NIGGA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”


>Once Equestria got its collective wits back from that shock, its military blockaded the Crystal Empire
>Celestia and Luna came in with their Royal Guard and gave Sombra an ultimatum: step down within a week, or be deposed
>Naturally, Sombra lost no momentum in his dickery streak and gave the Princesses a good old “come at me, bro” in response
>What followed was totally not a war
>Really
>Not a war at all
>Or at least the book goes out of its way to say it isn’t a war, though it admits some scholars disagree
>It was peacekeeping by the precursors to the Royal Guard
>And apparently this wasn’t even in the history books until recently
>Kind of weird, considering that the Crystal Kingdom’s succession is sort of a big occasion
>In any case, p0nies had a big fight
>The crystal ponies who got those mental blocks were lucky by comparison to Sombra’s soldiers
>He cast a spell that blocked them from controlling their own bodies, physically forcing them to do nothing but what he told them to do
>They couldn’t talk, smile, frown, move, or do anything that conflicted with their schedules or orders
>Sombra even killed one by ordering him to stop his own heart
>The soldiers still had full control of their senses and could think clearly, but they were prisoners in their own bodies
>The only reason that’s known is because fourteen of the Crystal Empire’s soldiers were outside of the area that vanished, and the spell lost its effect when Sombra became a literal shadow of his former self


>This was a big blow to morale for all the p0nies that fought to liberate the Crystal Kingdom
>They thought they could take no prisoners because their enemies seemed to be magically animated and not really alive
>It probably would have been even more devastating if Sombra’s endgame spell had made the liberating force disappear along with his kingdom
>As it was, it left all the Equestrians untouched, but everything else vanished
>Long story short, Sombra went crazy for no apparent reason and made the northern part of Equestria permanently artic
>The best explanation there is for his actions is the speech he gave before he disappeared
>It doesn’t explain much
>The guy was a fucking nut
>You’re looking at the transcript right now, and you can’t make any sense of his argument
>Sombra’s mental state must not have deteriorated much between the time he disappeared and returned, that much is obvious
>He’s barely acknowledging the words being said to him at times
>Despite that, he manages to get Celestia to cry when it becomes clear that he’s about to get his way
>It’s like he’s a Saturday morning cartoon villain
>Granted, he actually IS a Saturday morning cartoon villain, but now he’s real, and he’s actually pretty grimdark


Luna: It ends here, “Crystal King.” You will submit so you may face the consequences for this selfish endeavor.
Sombra: Selfish? I have given my subjects nothing but gifts! Their crystalline bodies are elegant, durable, beautiful… hmm… perhaps it did have something to do with my desires, but that does not matter. Did you not realize I was making a statement by seceding? I reject your rule because you are both impure! The earth ponies will all be crystallized and serve me, and the rest shall accept us as their superiors or be crushed.
Luna: Our subjects accept us, unlike yours. We serve them selflessly.
Sombra: But my subjects do accept me. I have simply opened their eyes to the greatness that is the Crystal Empire! Their bodies and minds are perfected, but I shall remain as I was, reminding them of how far they have come under my rule. I will be the greatest ruler in history, greater than even you!
Celestia: You are wrong. Even if you were correct, that changes nothing. Their will is for us to rule them.
Sombra: Their will is for me to rule them! I am a king! I am royalty, the same as you! I have all the rights in the world to be their king! More rights, even! I am a gentlec0lt of pure descent, unlike you freaks!
Celestia: You are nothing like us. You are a slave driver and a murderer.


Sombra: I haven’t been referring to my kingdom as an ‘empire’ for no reason. You know what I intend! Complete global domination! That was the true statement of my secession! All of Equestria, then all the world shall be mine, and you will be powerless to stop me!
Luna: Hold your tongue, fiend!
Sombra: Ah, you must fear me. Someone who actually poses a threat to you is quite an unnerving thing, isn’t it?
Celestia: The truth couldn’t be further from your words!
Sombra: I made this empire. I made all the crystal ponies and the whole of my kingdom with my own magic. I could kill you, if you had the courage to duel me instead of this unfair and cowardly confrontation.
Celestia: We swore to uphold a just and peaceful society, and by the heavens, we shall!
Sombra: If that’s what you want, allow me to assist. Kill me now, or I make everything my magic has ever touched vanish. This whole city will be gone in a flash. Millions of crystal ponies will be gone, and I won’t be the only one to blame. Make your choice before I make the decision for you.
Celestia: You won’t have the chance!
Luna: Sister, wait!
Sombra: Very well. It seems that ‘democracy’ has prevailed. The neighs have it. Luna and I against, and Celestia’s single vote in favor. You lose. Farewell, princesses.
Celestia: Silence! Silence!
Sombra: I’ve one last thing to say. Long live my Empire! THERE SHALL NEVER BE A CRYSTAL PRINCESS!


“Man, dark magic is worse than syphilis.”
>Still looking at her computer, Twilight responds to your musing
>“Worse by magnitudes. Tertiary neurosyphilis doesn’t make you malevolent, just demented.”
“The reason I bring it up is because this guy’s practically p0ny Hitler, and I think I heard that Hitler had syphilis. It makes me wonder what Hitler would have done if he had one atom bomb and no means to deliver it when the Soviets were invading Berlin.”
>“I’d prefer not to think about it.”
“I’m fascinated with it, personally. What would the world be like now? What if the Allies went through with ‘Operation Unthinkable’ and tried to attack the Soviet Union?”
>“I said I’d prefer not to think about it.”
“Alright, just saying. ‘What if’ is a powerful question, especially at turning points like 1945.”
>Well, that means you ought to stop talking about it
>It’s not like you’re in a position to do anything from your spot in the magic hugbo-
>The magic is sagging again
>Dammit, you’re trying to read
“Twilight?”
>“Give it a second and it should go back to normal.”
>If anyone here knows what they’re talking about, it’s Twilight
>She figured out how to make magic not terrifying
>If she figures out how to make it reliable, that’s definitely going to make her happ-
>Oh, it did fix itself
>How about that
“Yeah, there it goes.”


>Twilight restarts the conversation, but doesn’t turn away from her computer
>“I don’t mean to make it sound like I disagree with you.”
“Oh?”
>“I just wasn’t comfortable with the example you used. I’d have preferred math. Literally anything can be represented with numbers, and I’m speaking from recent experience when I say that massive equations can be undone by one error.”
“You’re really glad to be done with that thing, huh?”
>“It didn’t help that he was using a calculator and I was doing it by hoof. You wouldn’t believe how many dead ends Jon and I chased because we thought we’d dropped a significant figure when rounding off our decimals.”
“I’ve never had much of a head for math.”
>“You know, the internet has plenty of things to help with that. Have you ever heard of Khan Academy?”
>From her internet history, yes
“Is that some sort of education website?”
>“Despite the name, it’s got nothing about throwing corpses at besieged cities. It’s essentially a free online college. Jon told me about it when he was brushing up on how to use imaginary numbers.”
“If you’re trying to get me to do work during school vacation, forget it. I’d prefer Planetside.”
>Twilight doesn’t speak for a few seconds, then when she does, she sounds incredulous
>“Okay, no. Just… no. I’ve completely lost respect for you as a person if you were trying to say killing everything on the planet is preferable to bettering yourself.”
>What?
>That’s not what you were trying to say at all!


>You roll your eyes at the silly pone hearing what she wants to hear and peek out from behind your book to reply
>She’s still looking at the computer
“No, it’s planet side. As in ‘on the surface of a planet, as opposed to orbiting or being in transit between planets.’”
>“Oh. No wonder it sounded like the wrong term. That would have been kind of hard to reconcile with the quote from Deacon Jones they just played on the ‘Here and Now’ program.”
>Crisis averted
“Who’s Deacon Jones?”
>“He’s a hoofball- pardon me. He’s a football player that died recently. He was famous for being very aggressive, and they just played a clip of him saying that violence is a search for identity.”
“That’s a good quote. Wish I’d heard of him sooner, but I don’t follow sports. That’s more Eliza’s thing, if you’ll believe it.”
>“Which sports? I’ve been trying to find conversation starters with her, but she’s out of the house so much that I haven’t gotten much chance to know her.”
“Baseball. It’s a numbers game, and she’s a math teacher. It only makes sense, I guess.”
>“Thanks. I’ll try to remember that.”
>Twilight stays quiet for a few seconds and then realizes something
>“Wait, planetside is an adjective. Why did you use it as a noun?”
“It’s the title of a videogame I’m playing.”
>“Ah. That actually gives me a good segway back to the topic of the Butterfly Effect. What would have happened if you hadn’t brought up that you’d prefer that game?”


“I would have given you one less chance to jump to conclusions about my species, and we wouldn’t have stopped talking about Chaos Theory.”
>You lick your finger and flip the page of the history book
>It’s getting to the boring parts about the time between the foundation of Equestria and Nightmare Moon’s banishment, so you can divide your attention between the conversation and the book
>“Yeah, probably. By the way, never call the Butterfly Effect ‘Chaos Theory’ when I’m around. EVER.”
>Wow, she got touchy about that
>If you push her, she’ll definitely get mad ab-
>Fucking magic is sagging AGAIN
>No wonder she’s pissed about how unreliable it is
>Can’t even have a conversation
“I’ll, uh, keep that in mind. Can you fix the magic again?”
>“Give it a moment. Sorry for taking that tone with you; it’s just that chaos has some… connotations that I don’t like.”
>Fair enough, p0nies did have to deal with Discord and shit
>She also had to deal with Discord personally, but she never has mentioned-
>Yup, there it goes
“Alright, it’s working again. You were saying?”
>“Atomic half-lives and math, especially binary math, are great examples of how timelines could branch and diverge based on minute differences. There are so many possible alternatives to what we’re perceiving right now. For another example, there are more than a billion chances for this computer to swap a one and a zero by accident and freeze, but it’s working FLAWLESSLY.”


>The way she said “flawlessly” makes you think she’s going to say “except for” very soon
>“…Except for the internet. That keeps malfunctioning for some reason. Any ideas why?”
>Called it
>As for her question: yes, but you’re not going to say yes or no
“I’m no expert. It could be any number of reasons. Something that complicated is going to find its way to prove Murphy’s law one way or another.”
>“If it can go wrong, it will. And here it is, going wrong. Ugh.”
>Jon must have taught her that law during the Canterlot Computer fiasco
>If she’s figured out that you’re what’s wrong with her internet connection, she’ll say it now
>“Darn. I know it’s not my magic, because that’s electrically neutral. I don’t think I’ve fiddled with the networking ports or anything like that. Maybe it’s something on your provider’s side.”
>She doesn’t know it’s you, but she does suspect something
>Crisis delayed
>Change the subject to be safe
“So, did you confirm your findings about how magic isn’t freaking me out?”
>“I might have, actually. I’m thinking about ending today’s testing. Would you like to come down now?”
“Sure.”
>Cool, now you might actually find out why she wanted those bellyrubs
>You have no idea how it would work, but this business of humans being so unmagical that she still can’t tell anyone in Canterlot might have something to do with it


>If physical contact amplifies her magic or something, that would explain a few things
>It might also mean you’re going to have to get really close to her
>Please don’t say awkward sex, please don’t say awkward sex, please don’t say awkward sex, normal sex maybe, but please not awkward sex
>“Too bad. You’re staying there until I want you to come down.”
>That’s almost as bad as awkward sex!
>What happened to not abusinFUCKFUCKFUCKSHIIIIIIIIIIT
>WHATEVER SHE DID TO MAKE THE MAGIC NOT SCARY ISN’T HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
>The glow on her horn disappears, releasing you much slower than you’d like and dropping you sideways onto her mattress
>It takes a half of a second as opposed to the RIGHT NOW that you’d been hoping for
>She spins around in her computer chair, leaving her earbuds in as she speaks
>“Just kidding! That was the last part of the test. Thank you!”
“Dammit, Twilight! That wasn’t funny!”
>“Ah, but now I know you can tell when I’m abusing my magic! My hypotheses were completely correct.”
>Wat
>You sit up on her bed after the soft drop
“What the hell are you talking about?”
>“I’ve made a fantastic discovery! Humans seem to be able to sense when the magic being used on them is for a selfish purpose. For example…”
>You feel a chair form under and behind you
>It unfolds into a vertical surface like a dentist’s chair on speed, forcing you onto your feet


>“I just saved you the trouble of standing up, and I get to go back to the internet that much sooner. None of that instinctive fear, I presume?”
>Makes sense
“That surprised me a little, but no. Why didn’t you just tell me this?”
>“I think your motivations for allowing me to use a spell on you might affect it as well. Tell me, what were you thinking about when you agreed to do this test today?”
“I wanted to do something that would make you happy.”
>“Now, what if I carry you upstairs?”
“If you don’t drop me, sure.”
>She’s held you aloft so many times that you barely think about it anymore
>There’s still that nagging doubt that she could either mess up or get angry at you, but these are essentially magical trust-fall exercises
>She’s caught you every time so far
>Still, you’d prefer to be able to trust her as far as you can throw her
>If she’s right about this, you’ve got a chance to figure out whether she’s going berserk before the actual berserking occurs
>It’s probably not going to be be of much use, and you still can’t do anything to stop her
>Better than nothing, at least
>You’re smothered in purple stuff for the umpteenth time as Twilight pulls out her earbuds
>It begins to lift you off your feet and AH FUCK SHIT PISSCOCKS AAAAAAAAAAA
>She drops you back onto your own two legs
>“Were you-? Yeah, that scared you. I get no benefit from taking you upstairs. It’d only be a chore for me. Now, if I want you to scratch behind my ears…”



>Her horn lights up and she gives a (thankfully) short telekinetic tug on your hand
>It feels terrifying for the split second she’s doing it
>Both of you seem equally glad that it’s over quickly
>She seems less than amused that you pulled your hand back afterwards, clearing her throat impatiently and flopping an ear down
>Catpone wants scratchies
>Catpone gets five seconds of scratchies before you stop scratching and pull away
>Catpone follows your hand as you pull it back to your side
>You continue to scratch catpone, who is now nuzzling the outside of your leg with the side of her head as you continue to give her scratchies
>Catpone is making you feel a little uncomfortable, especially if catpone has ulterior motives
>“Meowwww…”
>That noise came from catpone, whose wings have become half-extended and are twitching slightly
>What the fuck, catpone
“Did you just meow?”
>Catpone moans out an answer
>“Mmmm… maybe…”
>Catpone’s weirdness surprises you into stopping momentarily
>Catpone whines in disappointment
>“Noooo… I want mooooore… Just a little more, please?”
>You resume scratching catpone
>Catpone is satisfied with the amount of scratchies she’s been given, and backs away to continue her magic lecture
>“Thank you. SO! If I’m doing something with magic that you don’t want me to do or you’re making me do something I don’t want to do, you’re going to know it! It’s almost symbiotic, don’t you think?”


>Geez, purplesmart is almost giddy with happiness
>Hopefully she’s not implying anything by “symbiosis”
“Uh, I guess so…”
>“It leans more towards commensality than mutuality, but I like the concept. Anyway, I’d like to get into the more complicated spells during our next session now that I can tell when I really shouldn’t be using magic on you. We’ll start with easier stuff, then work our way up.”
>Oh boy, here we go
>At least she’s doing science semi-ethically
“Are we done for today, though?”
>“Yup! I’m feeling satisfied with today’s results. Let’s end on a good note.”
>You pick the history book off of the bed and begin to leave
>“Wait! One more thing.”
>You stop in your tracks and turn back around
>Twilight has a small book in her hooves
>“Here. I want you to have this. I read it all the time when I was a filly. It’s not my personal copy, though; I’ve got that one on a special shelf in my library.”
>You take it out of her hooves with your free hand and get your first look at the title
>‘Foal’s First Spellbook: Safe Spells for Young Unicorns’
>FUCKING SCORE
>“It’s the absolute basics of spellcasting. I figure you’ve earned it.”
“I- wow! Thanks!”
>SWEEEET
>“Don’t get too excited. I don’t think you’ll figure out how to resist magic from something that simple. If you do, though, let me know. I want as few variables in these experiments as we can have.”


>Not as sweet, but still pretty sweet
“Yeah, yeah, scientific method and all that. Thanks again!”
>She chirps “You’re welcome” as you go upstairs and straight into your room
>Off beside your desk, your desktop’s fans are whirring softly as it proxies and filters Twilight’s interwebs
>Its screen went dark hours ago from inactivity
>You close the door behind you and start to leaf through the book for the hidden letter
>There are only fifty pages
>And none of them do that thing where the letter comes out of it
>Fuck, is it in this spellbook?
>You flip through it again
>And again
>And then one more time, just to be sure
>Nothing
>Well shit
>Looks like this isn’t such a score after all
>The letter must be in a different book
>At least it’s something interesting to read
>Alright, from the start


>How to do spells
>It tells you to ask an adult to supervise you when you’re trying spells, and to stop if you feel tired
>No problem there
>It doesn’t explain a damn thing about how to get magic into the horn
>Maybe that’s because it’s supposed to be instinctive, like walking or whatever
>Once it’s in the horn, you need to get it out through a specific spot on the horn
>Again, it doesn’t say how
>Then it lists a few general areas on the horn with which easy spells they’re associated with
>It tells you to have an adult measure your horn using the equations in a book that’s supposed to be packaged with the one you’re reading so they can find the exact spots for you
>You don’t have that book, so you won't


>It’s probably about finding the diameter of a cone or some other bullshit you wouldn’t bother to do
>The book tells you that to do magic, you need to picture exactly what you want to happen while keeping the flow of magic in exactly the right spot on the horn for that specific spell
>It also says that you should do this in front of an adult so they can tell you if you’re using more magic than you need to
>Attempting to cast several spells at the same time is something to avoid, as children generally can’t multitask well enough to focus on more than one spot and will probably use much more magic than they would if they cast each spell individually
>You ought to have an accurate mental image and keep your magic focused if you want to use your magic correctly
>There’s a chance that you’ll cast a spell you didn’t mean to if you get either of those wrong, but it’s more likely to fizzle and do nothing but waste your magic
>Get it perfectly right, however, and you’ll have high η
>Remember, “will plus skill!”
>You have no idea what η is
>It looks like a lowercase ‘N’
>Time to consult the expert


>You get off of your bed and pop open the door, leaning into the open basement doorway
>Before you speak, you look over towards the couch to check if Spike is done doing the dishes yet
>He’s not playing his games
>Must still be getting stuff clean for dinner
>Alright time to find out what this η thing is
“Hey, Twilight?”
>She calls back to you from the basement
>“Yes?”
>You hold the book up and point to it, as if she can see it from where you are
“What’s this ‘N’ symbol mean?”
>“Eta.”
“Ate a what? A sandwich?”
>“No, eta. It’s a Minoan symbol that’s shorthoof for efficiency.”
“Why not just say efficiency, then?”
>“It’s a book for kids. They wouldn’t remember how to spell it.”
“Okay, that makes sense. How does it relate to magic, exactly?”
>“It’s actually in human mathematics for efficiency, too. It’s a coefficient for how much energy gets put in to a process that determines how much energy is actually used.”
>That didn’t really answer your question
“No wonder I’ve never heard of it.”
>“η is a variable between zero and one. You multiply the energy input by the decimal to get the amount of energy that is put to use. The closer to one it is, the less energy is being wasted.”
>Is she trying to dodge the question of how this has something to do with magic?
“Got it. What about magic, though? How EXACTLY does it relate?”


>“To borrow a human phrase, magic with an eta coefficient of one would be the ‘Holy Grail’ of spellcasting. Sorry if I’m oversimplifying, but magic theory isn’t easy to explain without getting into the really deep mechanics of it.”
“Try me. Let’s see how much I can understand.”
>“Well… okay, but you asked for it!”
>There we go
>Twilight clears her throat and begins speaking with professorial enthusiasm
>“I have an average eta of about 0.860, though I can get it close to 0.930 if I’m really in the zone. Most mental image and magic control techniques are intended to mitigate the effects of inefficient magic. It’s possible to visibly identify what spell is being cast and what eta it’s being cast at with a mathematical function, assuming you know the the sine and conical Z and Y values of the sine’s origin. Shall I continue?”
>What did any of that even mean?
“Nevermind. Go back to layman’s terms, please.”
>Her enthusiasm sinks
>“It’s theorized that achieving eta one would look something like the effects of the ‘Green Lantern’ ring.”
>Twilight has been throwing in cultural references when she talks, lately
>From anyone else, it might be annoying
>From her, it actually helps you keep track of what she’s paying attention to


>You know she went to an antique comics website last night, but you didn’t check how long she spent on it
“You lost me at sine functions, but did you mean to say that you read some of the comics?”
>“Mhmm.”
>Time to give her a quick pop-quiz
“Let’s see if you were paying attention, then. Complete the following: in brightest day, in blackest night…”
>You wait for her to complete the Green Lantern oath
>She doesn’t say anything
>Fuck, this is awkward
“Twilight?”
>“Huh? Oh, I was just thinking. It kind of runs in the family. Mom’s a literary thinker, dad’s an astronomical thinker, Shining’s a strategic th- Wait, have you sent him a letter yet?”
>You actually haven’t sent Shining Armor a letter yet
>Whoopsie
“I’ll go do it in a second.”
>“Okay. It’s best not to keep him waiting, I’d think. I have a quick question, though.”
“Yes?”
>“Why does human media not show the lasting effects of their stories?”
“I dunno, maybe they think it’s too much work, or they want to keep the possibility of a sequel. ‘The Sandlot’ and ‘Animal House’ have narrated epilogues, if that’s what you mean.”
>“I'd expect at least a ‘to be continued,’ if that's the case. It’s not common, though?”
“Not really.”


>“That’s odd. I’d kind of expect that from media with such dramatic events. Equestrian movies are usually quite tame, but the ones that have big, life-altering events always follow up on their stories. On the other hoof, most human movies don’t even have a ‘and they lived happily ever after’ moment before the credits. Why would they leave out how Belle and The Beast’s lives were after he was cured? Did Gaston’s death…”
>You hear her lower her voice to a grumble briefly
>“…seriously, deaths in children’s movies… I digress, what effect would his death have had on the social circles of the town? And what about the magic mirror?”
>Oh shit, she might be talking about Equestria Girls’ magic mirror
>Tread carefully
“Magic mirror?”
>“You know, the one that the Beast uses to watch things happening outside the castle? Does he keep that even though he doesn’t need it anymore? What would he use it for?”
>False alarm
“Oh. I haven’t watched that movie in a while, so I’m sort of fuzzy on the details. You’re thinking about it too hard.”
>“It’s just that every question has an answer, and it really gets on my nerves that they leave the endings so open and uncertain. It wouldn’t be so hard to just give me an answer.”
“The answer is that they want the audience to speculate, or they might make a sequel, or something. Remind me to never let you watch Casablanca. You’d drive yourself nuts over the ending.”


>“I’m already driving myself nuts over the similarity of Earth and Equestria, and I STILL don’t have the foggiest idea of how it was possible to get here.”
“Let us know if you figure it out.”
>If she was trying to trick you into telling her about MLP, she’ll need to try harder
>You lean back into your room and lay the magic book on top of your dresser, then lean out again
“Thanks for helping me understand magic. I’m going to go write that letter and check on Spike.”
>“Yeah. Bye.”
>Twilight doesn’t sound very excited to have lectured you, for once
>Maybe she was expecting an answer?
“Something wrong?”
>“No, I’m fine.”
>Yeah, sure she is
>She was in a great mood just a few minutes ago
“Are you sure about that?”
>“I’m just not finding many new leads in terms of human inventions that could or should be replicated in Equestria, that’s all.”
“What do you mean?”
>“Not weaponry, if that’s what you were thinking. It’s just that it’s easier to find a medical spellcaster that can do something like a MRI than it is to create and assemble every individual component of a magnetic resonance imaging machine. That’s despite the rareness of medical magicians of that level. It’s too complicated.”
“What about x-ray machines? Those are mechanically simple, from what I understand.”
>“We already have moderately common magic that can do that creating a radiological hazard.”
“Well… I wish I could help.”
>“I… I have something I want to admit, actually.”
>Twilight has a secret?


>This is worthy of your undivided attention
“Oh?”
>“I- umm…”
>You never could stand moments like this
>Can’t she just be out with it, already?
>Even if it’s going to be an “I love you and want your hot monkey dick inside me,” you hate waiting for this sort of thing
>“I- well, I didn’t really look at the comics very much. I didn’t like how violent they were.”
>Oh
>Oh, okay
“I can understand why you’d think that. Did you at least read some of the Batman ones?”
>“I don’t think so.”
“Do yourself a favor and read some Batman, and maybe some Spiderman. I think you might like them.”
>“Why’s that?”
“Other superheroes tend to rely on brute force, but they prefer to outthink their enemies. Maybe read a bit of Sherlock Holmes before you get to Batman, as well.”
>“I’ll give it a try, I guess.”
“I’m not going to tell you to like it. It’s just that Batman’s kind of important to the next few comics I want you to read.”
>“I’ll keep it in mind. These comics are for children, right?”
“The early ones were marketed to kids around Spike’s age. Now superheroes are marketed to just about everyone.”
>“Even the old ones have some pretty mature themes for what I’d consider to be the human equivalent of the Power Ponies.”
>That’s something you haven’t heard of before
“Power Ponies?”
>“It’s a comic book series in Equestria. Do you know if that Superman movie is going to have a tie-in toy line? What I’ve read seems to suggest that’s standard practice.”
“I’d be surprised if they didn’t.”


“Why would they make children’s toys for a movie where millions of people die? There are skyscrapers collapsing like dominoes in the trailer I saw. I couldn’t watch all of it… those buildings must have been full of people. I can barely bring myself to watch footage of 9/11 for historical reasons, but humans entertain their children with something even more murderous?”
>Wow, loaded question
>Haven’t had one of those in a while
>Not just loaded, but it’s the sort of question with no right answer, either
“Um… yes?”
>“You humans are weird.”
“Couldn’t agree more.”
>Well, this is actually a good spot to end the conversation
>Or it would be, but now TwiTwi is going to feel all depressed if you leave her like this
>She was in a good mood a minute ago, so it shouldn’t be that hard to get her smiling again
“Are you feeling bad about humanity again?”
>“Yeah… a little.”
“I figured as much. Go look up the intro ceremony for the London Olympics. That might cheer you up. It’s a long watch, but it’s pretty spectacular.”
>“You seriously remind me of my brother. Why are you so nice to me?”
“What reasons don’t I have to be nice to you?”
>Twilight doesn’t respond
>Why would she-
>Ffffuck this is AWKWARD
>She probably interpreted that the wrong way
“Besides fear of your power. I meant that you seem like a nice person.”
>“Uh… thanks?”
>Real smooth, dumbass


>She might not have even been thinking of that in the first place, and now you seem like a paranoiac
>This conversation can’t be going anywhere productive
>No need to restrain any further awkwardness if you’re just going to leave
“…Yeah. I’ll leave you to play with your outboard brain.”
>“Sorry, could you repeat that?”
“I’ll leave you to play with your outboard brain.”
>“You mean my computer? Why did you call it that?”
>Twilight sounds like she’s legitimately interested, so you might as well tell her
“It’s something my old algebra teacher used to call calculators. He’d been a naval pilot, so he was used to doing glide-slope algebra in his head. He didn’t like how students relied on their calculators.”
>“Sort of strange that you phrased it like that: I’m thinking of the internet as the collective mind of your species. It’s nearly all the public knowledge of your species just laid out for anyone to see. It’s amazing! I don’t know how I lived without it!”
“Yeah, it is pretty cool.”
“It’s a shame that humans are so hostile and rude on the internet. Even their screen names are hostile at times. Let me find one… Here’s one who says he’s a demon slayer. Come on, really?”
>Okay, conversation recovered
>Good job


“It’s probably some 13 year old who’s trying too hard to be edgy. Is that on a channel about videogames, by any chance?”
>“Yes, it is. How did you know?”
“You get a feel for this sort of thing after a while. So, why are you looking up stuff about games?”
>“I got linked here from the front page. The news mentioned some sort of event about video games happening soon, so I decided to see what all the fuss was about.”
“That would be E3. Which channel, might I ask?”
>“It’s… uh… how do I pronounce this… Pyoo dee pie?”
>Fuck’s sake, could she have possibly picked a worse channel?
>Not only is that Swedish meathead annoying, but he does playthroughs of Amnesia all the time
>You know for a fact that he’s doing the modded campaigns as well
>Digging deep into the recesses of the fandom must be paying off right now, because you found that there’s a ‘My Small Horse’ campaign for that game which is loaded with MLP references
>Time to do some damage control before she loses faith in humanity again or stumbles into the firewall
“PewDiePie? I can’t stand him. That guy’s only as popular as he is because he knew how get YouTube’s recommendation algorithms to work to his advantage. He is probably THE single most annoying and least funny commentator on YouTube.”
>“Why does he keep talking about, uh… forced relations?”
“That’s his schtick. It’s not a very good one, mind you.”


>Twilight sounds sort of regretful now
>“I hate to say it, but the internet seems like it’s full of really nasty things. I’m not sure we should teach Spike to use the computer.”
“Yeah, that sounds like a good call.”
>“I mean, I think of the internet as your species’ collective mind, but if this is what’s on humans’ minds… I don’t know. I feel like I’m winning the argument about humans being terrible and immoral, but I’m starting to wish I wasn’t.”
“Different demographics tend towards different videos, and you’re on a channel full of preteens who think acting like adults means acting like children who know how to swear. You’re not going to give up the internet over that, I presume.”
>You can almost hear the smile in her reply
>“Not by a longshot. The internet is full of terrible things, but it’s got a bunch of really interesting things, too.”
“And it has books.”
>“SO MANY BOOOOKS…”
>It’s safe to say that Twilight is probably drooling and catatonic right now, so the conversation is as good as over
“See you at dinner.”
>“Boooooooks…”
“I thought I was supposed to be the zombie.”
>“Booooooooooooks…”
>Silly pone
>You duck back into your room and pull out a binder of paper from your backpack
>The thing’s been in the same spot since you finished your finals
>Not like you need it, now that it’s summer
>You could brush up on your algebra for the classes this fall, though


>…Nah
>You sit down on your bed and flip through to a page you don’t have any notes on 
>Time to scribble out a letter to Shining Armor
>Something simple, no need to be overly friendly
>Don’t ask about corndogs


Shining Armor,

Sorry for the late reply. I don’t really have an excuse for that aside from laziness. Hopefully you won’t
mind the delay in my reply as much as your sister did when I didn’t build a computer as soon as I said I’d
be willing to make one for her. What did you want to talk about?

Yours,
Jake Addams


>That should do
>The binder’s rings click open and shut as you remove the letter
>You push off of your bed and start walking by those boxes that are still in the hall for no good reason
>In the kitchen, as expected, Spike is washing the dishes for dinner
>He’s got a plate in one claw and a sponge in the other, scrubbing absentmindedly on his stepstool perch
>It doesn’t sound like Dad’s working in his office
>Too bad, because you’ve been meaning to ask whether he thinks Twilight is acting weird
>You think he said something about having a bike he wanted to work on
>If anyone saw him last, it’s probably Spike
“Yo, thigh-high.”
>Spike turns towards you
>“What up, zom-butt?”
“Not much. Twilight just reminded me I haven’t sent that letter to her brother yet.”
>He dips the sponge he was using into the suds and leaves it there, using his now-free claw to point at the paper you’re holding
>“I’m guessing that’s his letter?”
“Perceptive as always.”


>Which is why you’re hesitant to follow through on teaching him how to use the internet
>Spike is finally learning to pay attention
>There’s a girl who’s getting really friendly with you, and a kid is being the polar opposite of a hyperactive little shit
>In any other situation, this would be good
>Spike picks up a towel with his free claw and rubs his claw dry
>“Pass it here.”
>You give him the message to Shining Armor and he sends it in a ball of green flame
>Must be convenient, having a direct line to Celestia
>Wait a minute…
“I feel so stupid for not realizing this earlier.”
>“What?”
“Spike, you can send things other than letters, right?”
>He picks up the sponge and starts scrubbing again, breaking eye contact immediately after you ask the question
>“Yeah, and I know what you’re thinking. Twi’s not going home by Spike-mail express.”
>Dammit
>At least he seems to share your disappointment
“Well, why not? It goes straight to Equestria, doesn’t it?”
>“Twilight gave me a huge lecture about never using this on living things back when I was five. Burning something to dust doesn’t take it apart or put it back together quick enough for it to be safe.”
“Oh.”
>“Plus it would leave me here. I wouldn’t mind staying a while, but ditching me here? That would NOT be cool.”
“Well, it was worth asking. Do you know where Jon is?”
>“He should be just outside.”
“Thanks. Let me know when the reply gets here.”
>“No problem, zom-butt!”


>You follow Spike’s directions and head out through the kitchen door
>Jon really is JUST outside
>He’s kneeling over one of his folding bikes, which is laid out on the porch in pieces
>He heard the door open and shut just behind him, so he turns his head to see who it is
>As soon as he notices you, he gets up and raises his hand like he’s taking an oath
>“Hey Jake, give me five!”
>His hands are smeared with streaks of oil from the bike’s chain
>lol no
“I’m not falling for that again, dad.”
>He swings his arm across his chest, not quite saying “darn” in fake disappointment
>“So, you finished early today?”
“Yup. Can we talk for a sec?”
>“What’s on your mind?”
>Break it to him slowly
>No need to alarm him by asking immediately
“I just wanted to talk. How are things?”
>“Not too bad. I’m changing out my Bike Friday’s gear hub and pedals for a Shimano/Maniolo ‘ShiManiolo’ setup. My friend Yitzakh and I are staffing a group ride, so I want to be ready.”
“Where are you riding?”
>“It’s going to be a 30 mile ride through Concord. Would you mind helping me mark the route this weekend?”
“I thought I heard it’s going to rain over the weekend.”
>“I guess we could delay the route marking. I still need to get the spraypaint, anyway.”
>Topic exhausted
>He’s still sending letters back and forth with that griffon, so that should help move the conversation in the direction you want it to go


>Your house is on the backest of back roads, so it’s more than safe to discuss this outside
“How’s Markus?”
>“He’s doing okay now that we’ve got the computer working, but Plinko Pang-”
“Pinkie Pie.”
>“That one. She’s mentioned in just about all of his letters. I don’t know how she does it, but she’s turned this scientific gathering into a nonstop party that still manages to be productive.”
“Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me. What about Mark, though?”
>“I told him a bit about Germany recently. Left out the parts about the wars and how it’s in a flood right now, but he seemed to think it sounded like a nice place.”
“You said his native language isn’t German, right?”
>“No, it’s ‘Nordnabb,’ or ‘Northern Beak.’ As best as I can tell, it’s the same as Swedish. I tried to make a joke in one of my letters to him about the fish recipes he’s sending being part of the ‘North Beak Diet,’ but I had to explain it to him. It’s really easy to forget he doesn’t know about these things. He’s really easy to talk to, otherwise.”
“You really like him, don’t you?”
>“He’s a better Swedish engineer than the people who make Thule bike racks, that’s for sure!”
“Strange that you should mention that; I’ve noticed that the maps in the book I got recently look sort of familiar. I didn’t want to bring it up because it seems like Twi’s mood is starting to improve.”
>“We never did find out what was vexing her, did we?”


“I guess it’s passed. She seems fine now, though, uh, have you noticed anything different about how she’s been acting?”
>“Not really.”
>So it’s just you?
>Okay, time to make this change of topic a bit less subtle
“I have a question to ask, but I’m not sure how to ask it in Spanish.”
>Jon motions for you to come with him with a greasy hand as he starts heading for the garden
>You follow him to the edge of the garden and the dying beanstalks, which are still curled around the wire fence that was intended to prevent the rabbits from getting to them
>A lot of good that did
>Now that he’s sure you’re both out of earshot, he turns back to you
>Sort of ironic that the most private place you have is outside, in broad daylight
>Well, not exactly daylight
>It’s sort of cloudy out
>“Alright, we should be clear. Do you think she found out?”
>About the show?
>The web filter is doing its job, as far as you can tell
“I don’t think so. She seems to be a lot…friendlier. Do you have any idea why?”
>“Other than the fact that she’s got every day to herself and a computer to use, not really. She’s back to having scientific conversations with me, if that’s what you mean.”
“No, I mean that since I volunteered for those experiments, she keeps wanting me to touch her.”
>Jon raises an eyebrow in concern, taken aback by the implications you were afraid he’d pick up
“Not like that. Not yet, at least. The most she’s done is tackled me and then told me to rub her belly.”


>He sighs in relief
>“Oh, good! I was worried for a moment.”
“Oh, you think it’s awkward? You don’t know the half of it. I know I said I’d keep you in the dark, but have you heard of the MLP movie that’s coming up?”
>“In passing.”
“Rumor is that she’s getting a boyfriend in that movie. The fandom’s really upset about that. If people found out that she was real and I was her boyfriend, I’d be the target of biblical amounts of nerd rage.”
>Jon doesn’t reply, just stroking his neatly-trimmed beard with the precious little space on his hand that’s not greasy
“I don’t know if all this ear-scratching and cuddling is supposed to be leading up to something. Has she mentioned anything about a mating cycle, or anything?”
>Jon continues to stroke his beard, but the stroking intensifies as he gives a nervous response to your question
>“I think I’d recall if she did!”
“You know I’m not much of a praying person, but God do I hope she doesn’t have a heat cycle. I don’t want to have to deal with this regularly, especially if you and mom aren’t okay with it.”
>Jon falls silent again and shifts nervously
>You scratch the back of your neck, even though it isn’t actually itchy
>After a few seconds, you work up the guts to ask the question he knows you’re hinting at
“…Are you okay with it? You know… if she says she wants me to?”
>Welp, you just pulled a Twilight
>That’s one loaded question
>And you sure as fuck aren’t getting an answer


>Jon’s beard stroking is switching from an absent-minded habit to a conscious evasion of your question
>The silence is unbearable
>Ah hell, change the subject
“Uh… have you gotten through to Celestia yet?”
>Jon is visibly relieved that he has an entirely different question to answer
>“I’ve been trying to get to her through Markus, but no luck so far.”
“Damn. We need some way to get in touch with her that Spike won’t notice.”
>“There’s the snag. It’s all going through Spike. I don’t see any way around that.”
“We’ll figure out something. For now, I need to get at her spellbooks. The history book I got had a brief message about how they’ve got a message I need to see in one of those books, but they didn’t say which.”
>“I don’t think I can help you there.”
“Just letting you know in case you get an opportunity.”
>You turn your head towards the sound of an engine coming up the fluke of civil planning that’s your dead-end street
>At this time of day, it could only be one person
>You look to Jon and he gives you a knowing nod
>He arrives at his disassembled bicycle a few seconds before you, and you go back to the porch in time to meet Eliza on the way in from her commute
>She’s carrying a brown paper bag in addition to her backpack of school supplies and her purse
>You catch her just as she’s opening the door and follow her inside to the kitchen
>Spike’s nowhere to be seen, and the sink doesn’t have any dirty dishes in it
>Probably off to play his games again


>Might as well make a bit of conversation with mom while she’s not doing anything
“How was your day, mom?”
>“Not too bad. I’ve just been handing out tests.”
>She puts the paper bag into the fridge, confirming your suspicions that it’s dinner
“Did that diet contest end yet?”
>She sheds her backpack and purse, taking a seat at the table
>You don’t feel like sitting, so you lean against the wall by the door
>“Yeah. I only got fifth place, but I’m happy with that. I think I’ll continue my diet anyway.”
“Are you still going to make smoothies?”
>“I’ll still be making those. Spike seems to like them, and I figure if we can keep at least one of them happy we’re doing something right.”
>You decide to refrain from mentioning how Twilight seems a little too happy
“I think we’re almost two for two on that. Twilight’s mood has been improving a lot since she started doing experiments on me.”
>“And?”
>Eliza looks at you expectantly, making a circular motion with one hand
>She knows the answer
>She just wants to hear it from you
“And she’s been very ethical with her use of magic. Happy?”


>“Couldn’t be happier! You had nothing to be afraid of.”
“She actually figured out why magic has such a scary feeling sometimes. Turns out that it’s only scary if she’s using it selfishly, or something.”
>“So when she grabbed my arm, she was doing it for a selfish reason? I don’t understand. What was selfish about that?”
“I don’t really understand it either. I’m just glad we have some way of telling when she’s doing that sort of thing now that she wants to start the ‘advanced’ experiments.”
>“I’m sure it’ll be fine. Have you heard back from your professor yet?”
“Yup. He read the paper and raised my grade to a B+.”
>“Things are looking up.”
>Somewhere at the other end of the house, you hear a loud belch followed by Spike calling your name
“I should go check on that. I finally got around to sending that letter to Twilight’s brother.”
>“Okay. See you at dinner.”
>Eliza gets to setting up her laptop on the kitchen table as you leave
>On the way back to your room, Spike meets you in the hall and gives you the letter before going back to playing Banjo Tooie
>You continue straight into your room to read without having to stand in the hallway


Jake,

No hard feelings about the delay. I’ve actually been really busy since I sent that letter, but I have a bit of
time right now. I’m sure you can imagine how hard it is to organize a meaningful display of force for a
half-dozen adult dragons, coordinate with forty-one foreign security details speaking twelve different
languages, and scour a crowd of 10,000 for changelings all at the same time. Anyway, I want to thank
you from the bottom of my heart for being there for Twilight when I couldn’t. You might have noticed
that it’s sort of hard to gauge her emotions because she tends to overreact. I’m her brother, and even I
have trouble with that sometimes, but I know that she can’t fake crying. She was as sad as she can get
when you were trying to comfort her. I don’t know why she snubbed you when you tried to touch her,
because it looked like she really could have used a hug. Why did she do that? Does she not like you, or
something? If you were trying to make her feel better, you can’t be that bad. You also made a computer
for her. From what I understand, that’s a ton of work. Would you mind telling me a bit about yourself?
I want to be sure that you’re not the sort of person she just can’t get along with, and frankly, you
humans are the talk of the town. There are probably more rumors than facts. I heard one about how 
humans never use magic as I was leaving the Crystal Empire. Is that true?


With my thanks,
Cpt. Shining Armor, Canterlot Royal Guard, Command


>They still haven’t gotten over that ‘no magic’ thing?
>That came out months ago!
>If that fact is a rumor, you’d hate to hear what the actual rumors are
>Who knows what those crazy compulsive-liar and blind-speculator types have come up with?
>There’s probably at least one p0ny who thinks humans are made of ice cream, or something stupid like that
>You sit down on the bed and get your school binder out again to scribble a new letter
>Don’t ask about corndogs directly


Shining Armor,

I’m going to put that rumor to rest right now and say that until your sister came to Earth, I think that no
human had ever seen magic used. I thought it was supposed to be a myth, or a skill in pen-and-dice
tabletop games, or that kind of thing. It’s so weird, seeing it actually happening! Humans are sort of
superstitious about magic, though, so I think it’s best that as few of us know she’s on Earth as possible.
Also, I semi-intentionally accidentally agreed to be Twilight’s test subject for some magic experiments.
I’m not sure that was a good idea. She says that it’s supposed to help me trust her, or something.
Regarding computers, they’re not that hard to make. You guys had to design your own. I just bought
parts and put them together. It was a bit later than I said I would because I was putting it off. As for who
I am, I’m a student at a cheap college, I’m moderately nerdy, I’m somewhat interested in militaries but
I’m not sure I’d join one because I like to sleep in late, and I’m told that I’m a nice but weird person. I’d
tell you about my hobbies, but I’d probably need to explain a lot about Earth for you to understand any
of it. I don’t think any of them would be a deal-breaker, except for the military stuff. I’m still not sure
why she slapped me away. She seems to associate humans with all the wars we’re fighting, so it might
have been a generalization.


She keeps saying I remind her of you, actually. What are you like?
Jake Addams


>Alright, that should answer all of his questions
>Hopefully he’ll actually tell you what he’s like
>As far as you could tell from the show, he was pretty two-dimensional
>Twilight better not be saying that she thinks you’re uninteresting when she says you remind her of her brother
>Not like you could do much about it, but you’d be upset
>You remove the new letter from the binder and fold it up as you head out to the living room
>Spike’s on the couch playing vidya gaems, per the usual
>You peek over his shoulder for a moment so you can get an idea of his progress
>There’s a massive T-rex wearing a comically small blue backpack stomping about on the screen
>It looks like he’s still on ‘Terrydactyland’
>Not much of a surprise, considering that he gets to play as an adult T-rex that can kill all the enemies onscreen just by roaring
>You’d figured he would like that
>He’s talking to himself under his breath about it
>“Oh man, this is awesome…”
“Please, don’t get any ideas.”
>He turns around in surprise, so caught up in the stompiness that he didn’t notice you come up behind him
>“Huh? Oh, hi again.”
“You look like you’re enjoying yourself.”


>“Darn right! This is like the time I grew really really big, but now I can remember it better, and I don’t have to worry about hurting anyp0ny, or breaking stuff…”
>Spike suddenly trails off 
>Meanwhile, a small, flying enemy dinosaur dives at the T-rex and bounces off harmlessly
>The defeated enemy falls to the ground and becomes a health pickup
>Spike restarts a second later with slightly less excitement, though he doesn’t sound crestfallen
>“…or what anyp0ny thinks of me. Cherry Berry was still giving me dirty looks before I got here. Then again, she keeps grudges like nop0ny else can. Hopefully it’ll have completely blown over by the time Twilight and I get back.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
>“Does time heal property damage?”
>Fuck, that’s a weird question
>The correct answer is probably no, but you don’t want to say it to him
>The most tactful thing to do here would be to give him the letter
>You stick out your hand with the folded letter as you speak
“Uhh… could you send this for me?”
>Spike smiles at your answer and chuckles softly while he takes the paper
>“I’m just messing with you! I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
>He holds the paper up and does his green flame thing
>Now you can only wait for the reply
>This is a decent opportunity to do some brainstorming with Spike
“So, Spike…”
>“Yeah?”
“You’re only a few levels off from the end of this game, and I’m drawing a bit of a blank as to which game to pull out of the collection next.”


>“Is there a third Banjo Kazooie game?”
>Yes, just the one that’s been disavowed as an entry in the BK series by all the fans
>The developers discarded all of the previous games’ mechanics and just made a mediocre vehicle-building game
“Ehhh… kind of? They continued the series, but it’s a completely different kind of game. I think it’d be a little too slow-paced for your liking.”
>“Well, if it’s not that, then what game?”
“I dunno. I might pull out a different game system for you if I can’t think of something. Maybe the successor to Mario 64. It’s that or play Banjo Tooie’s multiplayer until we get sick of it.”
>The way Spike is looking at you seems to suggest that you smeared a sock in ketchup and slapped yourself with it
>“Banjo Tooie’s hoobaddawhat?”
>Did he really not notice-?
>Fuck’s sake, it’s on the main menu
>Spike was doing so well…
“Multi player.”
>“What’s that?”
“Multiple players. It’s exactly what it sounds like.”
>“Like, I can play at the same time as you?”
“That’s the idea.”
>Spike’s face lights up in childlike wonder
>It’s age-appropriate wonder, actually
>Whatever
>“Dude… THAT’S SO COOL! You mean that I get to play as Banjo, and you play as Kazooie, and we both get to play the game at the same time when I split them up?”


>Aaand he’s set his expectations too high
“Actually, it-”
>Spike interrupts you by making a “just a second” gesture with one claw and putting another over his mouth as he looks away from you
>There’s a muffled *BUUUUUUrrRRRRp* as green flame shoots out from the gaps between his claw-fingers 
>Shining Armor is a fast writer, it seems
>Spike slowly pulls the new scroll out of his mouth like an amateur sword-swallower
>It looks both weird and uncomfortable
>“Bleh. That’s what I get for catching it in my mouth.”
“Why’d you do it if you don’t like it?”
>“Last almost one fell under the couch.”
>Spike points the scroll at the bottom of the couch
>At first it looks like he’s showing you where it could have gone, but then it becomes apparent that he’s just trying to wipe the scroll dry
>Once he’s satisfied it’s dry, he brings it up to his eye level and reads the writing on the outside
“Is that for me?”
>“Nope, this one’s for Twil*uuuUUUUUUUURP!*”
>Another scroll shoots out of his mouth, bounces off the box of media center remotes, and promptly rolls under the front of the couch where Spike was pointing just a moment ago


>Spike doesn’t move an inch throughout all of this
>After his surprise subsides, he asks you a question in a tone that’s as tired as the expression he’s wearing
>“Where did it land?”
“Under the couch.”
>Spike groans in exasperation as he extends the first letter to you with more than a hint of impatience
>“Take this to Twilight for me while I fish it out.”
>You take the scroll from him
>It looks like it has some very heavy ink-blotting on it, like it was written very sloppily
>Maybe it was smeared in Spike’s mouth?
>Spike’s kneeling down to get under the couch and you’ve walked partway out into the hall
>It wouldn’t do any harm to check
>Y’know, just to be sure it’s in good condition


Twilight, can you help me talk some sense into Pinkie?

Pinkie’s having me keep tabs on Ponyville for her. ●They seem to be doing fine without her, but she’s
worried that Applejack will get frustrated and stop ●trying to host Pinkie’s parties. Pinkie gave her
specific plans ●to follow, but Pinkie and AJ are in totally ●separate leagues when it comes to organizing
parties. I would have the Cakes do this instead. Between ●you and me, I think Pinkie’s not overreaching
by making Egghead Central a constant party. She’s got this on lock. You couldn’t tell ●from how good
either party is going, but Pinkie thinks they’re both terrible. I’ve been going to ●Ponyville to check for
her up seven times a day. It’s an easy trip for me, but I’m getting sick of it.

She’s wrong, in case it wasn’t obvious. I think it’s just the stress of learning five languages getting to her.
Rainbow Dash


I’m not trying to make you to worry about us. The last thing I need is ANOTHER worrywart who thinks
we don’t have the situation under control. Shining’s making progress finding the changelings, and the
vanara are okay if you can take a joke. I met one named Aarini. she’s really cool, but I can’t understand
her if Pinkie’s not there to tell me what she’s saying. Also, one of the griffons says he’s related to Gilda. I
might be able to finally make nice with her again, so things are actually going pretty good!


>It looks like the letter is fine, but those inkblots catch you eye again
>Is this one of those hidden messages?
>They…trying…to…separate…you…from…ponyville
>Yeah, it’s definitely trying to say something
>You don’t have the faintest idea who ‘they’ are or why they would want to separate Twilight from Ponyville
>Whoever they are, they did a pretty damn good job at separating Twilight from her home planet, let alone from Ponyville
>No wonder Twilight isn’t asking for help
>Nobody CAN help
>Satisfied with what you’ve found, you press the wax seal back into place and head for the basement door
>Twilight hears you coming and calls out to you to find out who’s at the top of the stairs
>You give a quick reply and toss the letter down the stairs for her
>It doesn’t even hit the ground before it’s enveloped in a blob of magic and whisked out of view
>She quietly says “thank you” as you turn around and head back to Spike
>Looks like he’s got the letter out from under the couch, despite the stubbiness of his arms
>He hands it to you just as unceremoniously as he did with the one for Twilight
>You pop the seal off and start reading
>Time to see if you really remind Twilight of her brother
>Also to see if he has a personality that the show’s writers couldn’t be bothered to portray



Jake,

I’m not sure what you mean by wars, but please keep Twilight safe.

Moving on, you do sound a lot like me. I’m a self-admitted strategy nerd, military enthusiast, and I
married my love at first sight who just happens to be a princess. She’s my everything, second only to
Twilight. Getting married into the royal family was the second best thing about falling in love with her.
The first is that she never touches the figurines that take hours to paint. You know you’ve got a keeper
when she thinks your weirdness is endearing. Please, tell me about your hobbies anyway, especially if
you mean that you play tabletop adventure games like Oubliettes & Ogres. I used to play that all the
time when I was going to academy! Most of the old group I used to play with are scientists here, too!
I’ve still got my paladin’s character sheet. I’m hoping we can organize a time to finally finish that quest
we started a decade ago. What are human tabletop games like?

Cpt. Shining Armor, Canterlot Royal Guard, Command

P.S. Is it okay if I call you a monkey? I’ve heard that humans are genetically related to monkeys, but I’m
not sure I want to associate you with the vanara. Their biology team lead won’t even tell us his full
name. He insists that it’s a secret, and we’re supposed to call him Mr. Gupta until we guess it. They say
mules are stubborn, but “they” mustn’t have met minotaurs. This guy? He puts them both to shame.


>Well how about that, he does have a personality!
>He’s a mom’s-basement gaming nerd that plays… uh…
>What the fuck is an oubliette?
>The details he gave about character sheets and stuff make it sound like it’s D&D by a different name
>If it’s what it sounds like, it’s probably part of a castle or something
>Whatever
>You were expecting a jocktard or airheaded surfer brah, but this fits strangely well
>Fanartists called this last month, though
>‘The Weaver’ is truly a magnificent bastard
>If this is what Shining Armor is actually like, you can definitely see what the resemblance is
>Not very flattering, but you can see it
>Maybe the figurines he was talking about are for Hyperspace Hyperwars
>You decide against mentioning that in your reply as you go back into your room and pull out another piece of paper from your school binder
>Hopefully he wasn’t spooked by the mention of war
>He did ask
>Your pledge of honesty to Twilight extends to him in this situation, and that’s the best reason you could think of for Twilight acting like that
>You decide to include a quick assurance to calm him down, then move on to the rest of the letter
>If Shining wants to know what your hobbies are, you might as well tell him and hope he elaborates on his own
>Not like you didn’t warn him that he wouldn’t understand what you’re telling him


Shining Armor,

There hasn’t been a war in the United States’ mainland for over a century. Coincidentally, she’s in the
mainland of the United States. Short of a nuclear war (EXTREMELY UNLIKELY!) and possibly even in the
event of a nuclear war, she’s safe. Staying in the basement all day might actually help if there’s fallout.

I’ve played Dungeons and Dragons a few times, and it’s a game about twenty-sided dice and
adventuring. I tried it, but never got into it. I prefer video games, especially ones that have good
attention to detail. I mostly play military-themed ones, but I’ll give any game a try if it’s good. One of my
favorites is Armed Assault, which is a Combined Arms Warfare simulator. I used to be in a group of
players that had bi-weekly online multiplayer events of 100 people playing ArmA at a time. They were
strict, but that’s just so people would respect command structure when roles are picked “first come,
first served” before each match. It’s a fantastic game when you have a big, organized group like that,
even though it misses a few important details. You probably didn't understand half of that. Sorry, but
don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Please don’t call me an ape or monkey. No offense taken. It implies that I’m stupid and uncivilized.
And yes, I am dead serious about magic being something we thought wasn’t real.

Jake Addams



>That ought to confuse him enough
>You holler into the basement that Shining Armor’s verdict is in: you are indeed like her brother
>There’s no response
>She’s probably reading Rainbow Dash’s letter
>It’s tempting to ask if Twilight at least wants to talk about it
>Something is pretty clearly wrong
>…meh, she’ll come to you if she wants anything like that
>More likely she’ll go to Jon about it and then he’ll tell you
>Or maybe she already has, but doesn’t want him to talk about it?
>No point in speculating
>You continue into the living room and tap Spike on the shoulder, prompting him to pause the game again
>“Yo. Got another one to send?”
“Yeah.”
>Spike belches abruptly, but nothing comes out
“Was that a letter that didn’t come through?”
>“Nah, just an aftershock. Could you try to keep the conversation short, please?”
“I’ll try.”
>You hand the letter to him and head back to your room again to wait
>No sooner than you lay down and get your laptop open than Jon comes rushing in
>He picks up Spike unceremoniously and carries him into the basement
>Spike is too surprised to protest
>You’re about to get up and ask what the hell is happening when you see your desktop come out of standby
>The Steam chat client has popped up onto the screen with a message from Berber
>It’s only two words: “Knock knock”


>Eliza is speaking to someone in the kitchen
>You can only hear the tone of the voices, and Eliza is obviously trying to stall
>2 + 2 = oh shit, unexpected company
>Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck this is not good
>Okay, okay, breathe
>Breaaaathe
>Pokerface is go
>A single set of footsteps start coming down the hall before you can get up to meet them
>Eliza appears in your doorway
>She looks understandably upset
>“Why didn’t you tell me you invited them over?”
>Wait, more than one?
>You thought it might just be Berber
“Who is it?”
>“Evan, Berber, and Don. Why didn’t you tell me they were coming?”
“I didn’t invite anyone!”
>Eliza scoffs and shakes her head before replying
>“I’m going to try to shoo them off and tell them to call before they come over next time.”
>She leaves without a word
>You sit on your bed and wait
>There are several tense seconds of conversation that you can’t hear clearly
>Did one of them just mention Christmas decorations?
>It definitely sounded like one of your friends said something about Christmas decorations
>Silence
>You hear the footsteps approaching again, and Eliza appears shortly afterwards
>She looks more than upset now
>There are tinges of sad urgency in her voice and on her face
>“Get in the kitchen.”


>Not going to disobey that order
>You follow her into the kitchen
>Don, Berber, and Evan are all standing shoulder to shoulder with similar looks of disappointment and confusion on their faces
>Don’s wearing a t-shirt with an obscure modern rapper’s name on it, Evan’s wearing shorts and a polo shirt, and Berber is wearing his usual WW2 German camo coat and cap with the sleeves rolled up
>Eliza steps off to the side and sits in her chair at the table, cradling her face in her hands
>Evan speaks for the group
>“Your secret’s out.”
>oh god what
>Uhh… play dumb!
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
>“Yes you do. Berbs, show him.”
>Berber whips out a camcorder from behind his back and folds out the screen for you to see
>He sets the camera giving a running commentary on his actions as he sets the camera up
>“Now, this wasn’t easy to get. I had to ride my bike quite a ways to get here. Getting all three of us here at the same time was hard, too. You know how the buses never run on time.”
>The screen is black and the timer shows that it’s at the end of its tape


>He switches the camera to edit/review mode
>“I didn’t want to be the one to do it, but we drew straws, and I’m the one who dresses in camo all the time so it made enough sense that it’d be me.”
>He hits the rewind button
>The contents of the tape go backwards in a pale-greenish blur
>“We all knew something was up, so I found a spot to hide and figure out why the basement light was always the last one to turn off at night. Props to Don for giving me a bunch of 5-Hour Energy drinks. I’m still caffeinated as hell right now.”
>Don grumbles something along the lines of “I still say it’s fake” and generally looks like he’d prefer to be somewhere else
>Berber continues to rewind, ignoring him
>“And props to Evan for pushing us to do this and buying a night-shot infrared illumination thingy, ‘cause the night mode on this handycam has about two feet of range.”
>He stops rewinding and puts the camera on the table
>“And now for our feature presentation: ‘A Christmas Decoration Puts Itself Up in June.’”
>He presses play
>The camera is showing shaky footage of the outside of your house through a blurry greenish filter
>The time stamp shows that it was recorded around two in the morning a few nights ago
>Wait, seriously?
>Your voice comes out as a squeaky, strangled, confused thing
“You did a stakeout of our house at two in the fucking morning?!”
>“…For a couple of nights, yeah.”
“What the fuck is wrong with-”
>You see a four-legged thing come out of the basement stairwell


>Is that…?
>No, it couldn’t be
>It’s a stray dog, or something
>The creature comes into the yard, looks around for a moment, and then spreads its wings
>It gives a few experimental flaps before lifting off and flipping over
>A dog with wings?
>Maybe this IS Twilight
>Is she really this stupid?
>It quickly picks itself up and then uncertainly flaps its way onto the roof, where it takes a seat and does something to make its head glow
>That’s her, alright
>And she is stupid as FUCK
>Suddenly, you feel very warm
>Goosebumps raise themselves on your arms and the back of your neck
>You’d think that wouldn’t make sense
>Thinking doesn’t come very naturally right now
“GOD DAMMIT, YOU STUPID PURPLE HORSE! You promised you’d stay inside!”
>Need to get back at her
>Need to make things right
>Sounds like a loud argument of some sort is starting in the basement
>Good
>She’ll be all warmed up when it’s your turn to ask what the fuck she was thinking
>You pull Evan, Berber, and Don into an unexpected huddle and whisper to them through grated teeth
“If this is on the fucking internet, I’d like to take this opportunity to politely remind you that I KNOW WHERE EACH OF YOU SLEEP.”
>The huddle ends with you half-shoving your way out of the group
>Evan replies as he stumbles to get his balance
>“Chill! Chill! Nobody outside this room’s ever seen that tape.”
>There’s an audible sigh from your mother


>On the other hand, you’re barely relaxed by Evan’s continuing attempts to comfort you
>“Look, it’s okay. The last-”
“There’s nothing ‘okay’ about having my friends do a 2am stakeout on our house.”
>“The last thing we want is for your life to go X-Files. That’s why I wanted to do this in person. There are some rumblings about electronic surveillance in the forums I visit, so this is the only way we could tell you that I was sure would be safe.”
“I don’t care about conspiracy bullshit right now, Evan.”
>“There’s a conspiracy happening right here! You’re hiding Twi-”
>NO
>TOO MUCH WORK TO HAVE IT RUINED NOW
>Your right hand shoots forward and grabs him by the collar
“Don’t say either of their fucking names until you hear them say their fucking names. They don’t know about MLP yet, and this is NOT the situation where I want them finding out.”
>You relax your grip enough for him to slip out as you turn to Don and Berber
“None of you even hint that you’ve heard of them before. Got it?”
>Don shrugs uncertainly
>Berber gives a silent but shocked nod
>Evan probably mimicked Berber’s action, but you weren’t looking
“Good. Time to meet the houseguests. Stay there.”
>You turn to leave and start heading down the hall
>The ability to think partially returns to you
>Stopping in your tracks, you look over your shoulder and quietly growl with disgust
“You know what? My life already has the marks of being a stupid fanfic. X-Files might actually make this shit exciting.”


>Your purposeful strides carry you quickly into the basement
>Jon is interrogating Twilight about your earlier exclamation that she was outside
>The rapidfire question and stuttered response comes to an end when you say that there’s something upstairs that they need to see RIGHT NOW
>You dart back into the kitchen and hear the combined sound of hooves, claws, and feet come up the hallway behind you seconds later
>The hoofsteps suddenly turn into a tapdance
>Turning quickly, you barely catch the source of the noise in action
>Twilight tries to turn and bolt back into the basement the moment she sees your three friends
>Jon’s knee was in just the right place for her to run into it facefirst
>She falls backwards and Jon tries to ask if she’s okay
>Stupid horse deserved that
>The Prozac is starting to kick in and clear out your anger
>Maybe she didn’t deserve it
>If she did that on purpose to get sympathy, she deserves more than that
>Defeated, Twilight starts coming back towards the kitchen
>She’s bleeding from both nostrils
>This needs to be fixed
>If she starts crying like this, you’re not sure you could take it
>Still upset with her, though
>You tear a paper towel off of the roll for her and offer it to her with a frown
>She presses it against her nose with a forehoof 
>You get a brief nod of appreciation from her as she hobbles into the kitchen on her other three legs


>Spike is already in the kitchen, fidgeting nervously in front of your flabbergasted friends as you lean up against the counter
>Twilight sits on the floor next to him and says “Hi” very tentatively to the three humans she hasn’t met before
>Eliza is still in her chair, but she’s started fiddling around with the camera since you left
>She turns the screen towards Twilight and Spike, playing the video from the start
>Twilight’s face shifts through confusion, realization, and then shame as she watches the video
>Spike simply looks disappointed with Twilight
>Jon is somewhere behind you, and you can hear him groaning at what he’s seeing
>Eliza folds away the screen and speaks to Twilight in a drained-sounding voice
>“You went outside?”
>Twilight sniffs some blood out of her nose so she can lower the paper towel and speak
>“Y-yes…”
>“Why?”
>“I… I miss my home. I just wanted to feel closer to everyp0ny I left behind, and I thought it would be safe to go out that late at night… I mean, I’d never done it before and-”
>Twilight sniffles some blood out of her nose again
>“-and… well… I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
>She waits for someone to take the conversation from her
>Nobody breaks the tense silence
>Purplestupid is left to dab at her nose while everyone stares at her
>It’s gratifying to see her getting what she deserves, but part of you feels a little bad for her


>Twilight eventually works up the courage to ask Eliza the obvious questions
>“…how bad is it? How many humans know?”
>“Evan said nobody outside of this room has seen this video.”
>Twilight sniffles in relief and turns directly to Evan, addressing him nervously
>How’d she know which is which?
>Must’ve been a lucky guess
>“I guess some introductions are in order… my name is Twilight Sparkle. I know, it’s probably a strange name by your standards. I’m a p0ny from a place called Equestria. It's a country on another planet, maybe even in a different universe... I'm still not 100% certain about that. I don’t really know how we got here, but we’re going to be stuck for at least a few more years.”
>She gestures to Spike with the hoof that’s holding the bloody paper towel, causing Spike to recoil from the reddened paper
>“This is Spike. He’s a dragon that I’ve been raising for over a decade now. He was the one who you heard on the phone last month.”
>Spike looks up to the group of new humans so he can have a turn speaking
>“Uh… hi. Please don’t cut us open for science.”
>None of your friends have any response to that
>It’s hard to imagine what they’re thinking
>You’re thinking that maybe Spike got drilled a little too hard about not going outside
>This is turning into another awkward silence, so you decide to end it by breaking your friends out of their shock
“Well? They introduced themselves. It’s your turn.”


>Berber is the first to reply
>“Oh, um… I’m Berber. I’m the one who took the video.”
>Evan fills in next
>“My name is Evan. It’s nice to meet you, I guess. I mean... you’re real?”
“They are. Moving on.”
>Don’s the only one left, and he looks to be the most confused of all
>It takes him a good five seconds before he even starts replying
>“I’m…”
>Don trails off, then resumes a moment later
>“…going to need a smoke before I can believe this. I’ll be back in a sec.”
>He jostles his way past the other two and out the kitchen door
>Welp
>This is actually a decent opportunity to get Evan and Berber away so you can talk to them about Twilight without worrying they’ll say something you don’t want them to
“Alright, I need to talk to you guys outside. Come on.”
>You usher both Evan and Berber towards the door
>They don’t resist, but Spike calls after you
>“Wait, who was the last guy?”
“His name is Don.”
>“He smells weird.”
“That's normal for him.”
>You shut the door behind yourself and follow Berber and Evan to Don
>They find him lighting a pot pipe in your backyard
>Can’t blame him
“Alright, seriously. A fucking stakeout?”


>Berber crosses his arms
>“Yes, a fucking stakeout. I was sitting in that tree over there for ten hours. You were acting suspicious as all hell, and we needed to get to the bottom of it.”
“You didn’t have to get to the bottom of anything!”
>“You were keeping a secret that was really freaking you out, so we actually did have to. At least it’s better than we thought. A real p0ny, and Reichsmarschall Sparkle at that? I’m not sure what surprised me more: the fact that I wasn’t dreaming that or the fact that she can bleed.”
“She’s not a cartoon character. Not to me, at least. She’s been here for almost half a year and I’m already feeling like she’s just a crazy roommate we can’t kick out. The only exceptional part is that she has godlike power, and might go crazy and turn people into frogs if she learns she’s a figment of a cartoonist’s imagination. At least Spike is kind of cool.”
>“Do you really think she’d go nuts?”
“According to her, humans are supposed to be physically impossible because we have less than no magic inside our bodies. Spike thinks we’re awesome zombies, but Twilight thinks we’re inherently violent freaks with thermonuclear weapons. She was PISSED when she learned what a nuke is. So yeah, she’s high-strung enough for it to happen.”
>“So we’re like the antimatter of magic? I don’t get it.”
“Neither do I.”


>Don takes his pipe out of his mouth and exhales a cloud upwards before speaking
>“Still don’t know why you needed those programs, though. Does that have anything to do with this?”
“She wanted a computer. I had spare parts and no excuse not to make one. If she got on the internet and saw her own face, she might flip out.”
>“Oh yeah, that makes sense. Nevermind. I thought you were cyberstalking someone.”
“I guess you could say that I-”
>Your stomach rumbles
“You know what? I need to get away from the house for a bit, and I’m thinking that my mom isn't up for making a meal for eight people. Let’s go to a restaurant or something and talk about this over dinner.”
>Evan perks up at the suggestion
>“I’d be all for that! Isn’t there a new Five Guys that was built around here?”
“There is.”
>You point at Evan
“And no matter where we go, you’re the one buying.”
>“What? Why me?”
“I won’t let you get off scot-free for scaring us like that, moneybags.”
>“You could have just told us and this wouldn’t have happened.”
>Berber gives Evan an “are you shitting me?” look
>“E, I asked him and he said I wouldn’t believe him. I think he was right.”
“Fuckin’ told you so. Go wait by the car. I need to get some stuff.”
>The three temporary guests start walking in the general direction of the driveway
>Hold up
“Don, put that out. I don’t want the car to smell like a Dutch café.”
>“You sure you don’t want some first, bro? You sound like you need it.”
“Thanks, but fuck no.”


>You head to the kitchen door
>It swings open easily and shuts swiftly
>Spike, Twilight, and both of your parents are still in the kitchen
>They’re all gathered around something on the tabletop
>Twilight is standing on her rear legs, bracing herself against the table with the foreleg she’s not using to hold the paper towel over her nose
>Spike’s standing on top of a chair
>Is there something you need to know about here?
“What’s everyone staring at?
>Twilight pushes away from the table and out of the group to speak to you
>She looks almost as tired as Eliza did a moment ago, but you also see a bit of something else on her face
>Anger?
>Sadness?
>It’s hard to tell from behind the paper towel
>“Caw me sidawella.”
“…What?”
>She sniffles down the blood in her nose
>“I said, ‘Call me Cinderella.’”
>Okay, now the cultural references are sort of annoying
“What are you even talking about?”
>“See for yourself!”
>Twilight levitates a scroll off of the table and flings it in your general direction
>It’s a very feeble throw, barely landing at your feet
>You’re about to bend over and pick it up when it starts glowing again
>The scroll lifts less than two feet into the air
>…then it falls back to the floor
>Twilight tries this a few more times
>Each attempt is worse than the last
>Eventually she gives up and leaves, trailing despaired groans all the way into the basement
>You kneel and pick up the letter like you were going to


Mr. Jon Addams, Mrs. Eliza Gottschalk, and Mr. Jake Addams,

This is a startling turn of events. I should hope that nothing negative comes of this, but it is only fair that
Twilight feels a consequence of her poor decision. She is to cease all work indefinitely. We have more
than enough information about humans to sustain the research efforts for now. In place of her work,
you may each give her one ongoing commitment. I trust that you will be fair in judging what an
appropriate commitment would be. Spike has already been punished. Do not punish him further.

As a personal message to Jake Addams, Shining Armor wishes to let you know that he must cut your
correspondence short because Executive Chief Engineer Slide Rule was found to be a changeling and
is attempting to escape. Shining Armor will inform you once he is available again. Meanwhile, he wishes
to let you know that he’s confused by the similar names of human and Equestrian tabletop games, and
that he is confident that Twilight will take all necessary precautions during any magic experiments she
performs. He also wants to know if you are familiar with a trading card game called ‘Hocuspocus: the
Get-Together,’ and has expressed interest in the workings and histories of human militaries. You may
answer those questions at your leisure.

Twilight: I can understand your loneliness, but please exercise better judgment. I’d never forgive
myself if I couldn’t bring you home safely.

Princess Celestia


>Oh, so she’s got to do stuff for you now
>Brought this on herself
>Stupid horse
>She’s lucky that you know the people who caught…
>Fuck… can’t stay angry at her
>It’s not like you’ve never messed up
>Not nearly this bad, but still
>You’re going to need to think of something you can make her do that’s not too cruel or unusual
>Also, Shining Armor continues to be a huge nerd
>All eyes somehow ended up on you when you were reading
>Eliza turns to Spike
>She sounds both tired and confused now
>“That was sort of dramatic. Is there anything else on Twilight’s mind?”
>Spike hops off of the chair and starts walking towards the basement
>“Nothing worth talking about right now. I’m gonna go see if I can keep her from getting too upset about this.”
>Now that Spike is gone too, you can talk to Eliza
“Mom, I’m going to go out for the evening with the guys. We’re probably going to get dinner. Is that alright?”
>“I guess… I mean, I bought you a sandwich at Panera.”
>You put the letter back on the table
“It’ll keep. I need to talk to them anyway.”
>“Okay. We’ll see you later.”
>You continue into your room, get your everyday items, and head back out again
>On the way, you grab the letter off of the table
>Don might need something concrete if he still doesn’t believe what he saw
>As you’re walking to the car, you hear a twinkling noise in your pocket


>It takes a moment before you realize that 1: twinkling is a description of light instead of sound, and 2: that probably means magic is happening
>The noise stops as quickly as it starts
>You pull the letter back out of your pocket to see if it’s changed somehow
>There’s a whole new paragraph on the paper


Mr. Jake Addams,

I believe you may have a lead that could help me find one of my former students. It’s imperative that I
know where she is. Her name is Sunset Shimmer. If you have any information about her, her current
activities, or her possible location, notify me immediately through your usual method. Keep looking for
the message in page 1010 of The Specialist’s Spellbook. I’d give it to you in a letter like this one, but it
isn’t urgent and will be more believable if you find it where it is already hidden.

Friendship can be a strange thing. It’s okay to pry if something seems wrong, but don’t be invasive.
Princess Celestia


>Dammit, really?
>You just got over the whole Twilicorn thing
>Now Equestria Girls is canon and real too?
>Berber would flip if he heard this
>You look back at the letter and memorize it, hoping that the new paragraph goes away somehow
>Thankfully, it fades off of the page
>Let’s not tell them about the hidden messages and such
>This ride is rough enough as it is



Skype™ [1] PainedUlnar


Show messages from: Yesterday ● 7 days ● From beginning

_______________________
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
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(PainedUlnar) Jake A.	Alright, I think I covered everything at dinner. Any other questions?		  8:41 PM

Berberberberberber	Have you booped her yet? Will you try to?					  8:55 PM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   No, and I'm hesitant to try until I know where she's going with all               8:55 PM
			this cuddling. It might give her the wrong idea.

			Plus I think she almost broke her nose today.					  8:55 PM

NagromSreip             Why should a broken nose matter for that?                                         8:56 PM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.	What do you think a 'boop' entails, Don?                                          8:57 PM

NagromSreip		I dunno. Is it like clopping, but not solo?					  8:57 PM

			If so, check out MitchW808 on youtube. His tip series can help you.		  8:57 PM

Berberberberberber	*facepalm*									  8:57 PM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   I told you that I wasn't sure I'd want to fuck her. Fuck WITH her,	          8:57 PM
                        maybe, but not fuck her.

NagromSreip             I must've spaced out when you said that.					  8:58 PM

			Besides, do you really expect me to keep up with brony slang? 			  8:58 PM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   Fair point, but srsly. I'm pretty sure Evan would've known that, and		  8:58 PM
			he's seen less of the show than you.

			Speaking of, why isn't he in the chat? I see him online. I know			  8:58 PM
			he got my invite.

Berberberberberber      Hold up, I'mma see if he's on another chat client.				  8:58 PM

			Found him. He's mad.								  9:02 PM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.	Why?										  9:02 PM

Evan Speer		I told you I didnt want this going X files and now it might anyway!		  9:02 PM

			You weren't listening! And you said my name! How many Evans do you		  9:02 PM
			know anyway!!! Now Im tied into this and can't get out

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   Slow down. What's the problem?							  9:02 PM

Evan Speer		The problem is that I told you there was something coming up about		  9:03 PM
			cyber-survellance and here we are on the internet on a major chat
			client

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   I think we're fine. It happened days ago and there have been no			  9:05 PM
			random housecalls from services we didn't order, no odd noises on
			the telephone, no soundless black helicopters or unmarked vans,
			no orbiting model planes, etc, since then. We have nothing they're
			looking for, and it won't hurt anyone so long as it stays undercover.

			G-man is thoroughly uninterested in me. We're fine as long as			  9:05 PM
			Berber doesn't have the same shopping list as Dzokhar Tsarnayev.

Berberberberberber	Allah is an okay guy. I wouldn't say 'great' until I've met him.		  9:05 PM

Evan Speer		Okay but still you should be more careful					  9:06 PM

			You cant tell if your internet is being monitored.				  9:06 PM

NagromSreip		Just do what I do. Use TOR.							  9:06 PM

Evan Speer		Hate to ruin it for you but the FBI is totally monitoring the undernet		  9:06 PM

NagromSreip		Nah, no way.									  9:06 PM

Evan Speer		Dude its full of child porn rings and hacker forums.			    	  9:07 PM

			They'd be crazy not to keep tabs on it.						  9:07 PM

			And that silk road mail order drugs site you told me about definitely		  9:07 PM
			has the DEA's attenttion.

NagromSreip		So much for that.								  9:07 PM

			That reminds me, 4chan's official TOR website does have a /cp/ board.		  9:08 PM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.	Seriously? The official website?						  9:08 PM

			No way Moot's okay with that.							  9:08 PM

NagromSreip		Actually, I'd be surprised if he's not. I'm pretty fond of the board	  	  9:08 PM
			myself.

Evan Speer		Dude really Youre a pedo? Now I know we're being watched.			  9:09 PM

NagromSreip		What? No! I'm not a pedo for liking /cp/.					  9:09 PM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   Explain this bullshit.								  9:09 PM

NagromSreip		It's /cheese pizza/								  9:09 PM

			What did you think it meant?							  9:09 PM

Berberberberberber      Pics or you're lying.								  9:09 PM

NagromSreip		Texting one to you right now.							  9:10 PM

Berberberberberber      Hahahaha oh wow									  9:10 PM

			It actually is all about chiz pizza						  9:10 PM


_______________________
Thursday, June 6, 2013
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Evan Speer 		Did you hear?									 12:40 PM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   About the Verizon/NSA metadata leak? Yeah. Not that surprising.			 12:42 PM

Evan Speer 		Trust me when I say that it goes deeper than this.				 12:42 PM

 			They never do this sort of thing 'just a little bit'				 12:42 PM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   I got her to watch about half an hour of Saving Private Ryan today.		  3:22 PM

			The beach landing scene, at that.						  3:22 PM

Evan Speer		Howd you manage that?								  3:25 PM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   I didn't, but I guess she realized that if things get ugly because		  3:25 PM
 			of her stunt on the roof she'll need to grow a stomach.

			It's a work in progress. Meanwhile, she cast a spell that made the		  3:25 PM
			exterior doors self-locking and super durable. I went at one with a
			sledgehammer for ten minutes and couldn't scratch it.

Evan Speer		It's something.									  3:25 PM

			Oh, and since you said you wanted to get Watchmen for her here's the		  3:26 PM
			motion comic http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lR35MhVMss

			They also have some of the DC animated movies on this channel			  3:26 PM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   Sweet, thanks.									  3:26 PM

			Wow, the voice acting in the motion comic is ATROCIOUS.			   	  3:32 PM

Evan Speer		IKR it's like one guy for all the roles						  3:34 PM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   Silk Spectre is not supposed to sound like a dude speaking in falsetto.		  3:34 PM

Evan Speer		Still better than the movie. They got Rorschach's voice right, for one.		  3:35 PM

			And theres the giant squid							  3:35 PM

			You can't have Watchmen wihtout a giant psychic octopus.			  3:35 PM

			Oh, and the Spanish Inqusition. The catholic church does have a record		  3:40 PM
			of antisemitic activity so you know I'm right about them indirctly
			causing world war 2 or at least encouraging the culture that led to it

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   That was unexpected. I still don't like your theory, though.			  3:42 PM

Evan Speer		what										  3:42 PM

			why										  3:42 PM

			its a beleivable airtight theory						  3:43 PM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   But it links to Hitler. That's the biggest goddamn handicap you could		  3:43 PM
			ever take in making a conspiracy theory.

			I don't care how true it could be. I lost all respect for it as soon		  3:43 PM
			as you mentioned Hitler. World War 2 is easymode for conspiracies.


_______________________
Monday, June 10, 2013
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Evan Speer		http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/special/politics/prism-collection-documents 11:11 AM

			I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so.					 11:11 AM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   I'm not sure what upsets me more: the fact that this is still going on		 11:18 AM
 			under Obama (he better be getting some damn good use out of this) or 
			the fact that this means the Xbox One was literally designed for the
			sole purpose of putting a direct CCTV feed from your living room to some
			cubicle in the NSA headquarters.

Evan Speer		it didn't stop the boston bombing						 11:18 AM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.	In any case, I'm cancelling my Xbox Live account.				 11:18 AM

			Holy shit, Microsoft. Could this website be any more of a wallet trap?		 11:18 AM
			Don't bury the option I'm looking for in some obscure-ass webpage.

 			Did you hear about the riots in Turkey, by the way? The mainstream		 11:19 AM
			news is mentioning that it's partially about the Turkish 'Deep State'
			and self-interested conspiracies in the government. You must feel like
			a kid in a candy shop.

Evan Speer		You did see that they had skype on th elist of things they watch, right		 11:19 AM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.	Yes, and there's no way they could process all that information by hand.	 11:19 AM

Evan Speer 		Thats what the utah data facilitys megacomputer is for				 11:19 AM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   I doubt we're tripping keywords often enough to get its attention. 		 11:19 AM

			Besides, didn't you say that thing's having massive electrical issues?		 11:20 AM
			Isn't it arcing all over the place like that lightning show at the 
 			Museum of Science on a monthly basis?

Evan Speer		It is.										 11:20 AM

(PainedUlnar) Jake A.   Then I'm a four-leaf clover in the middle of a grassy field.			 11:20 AM

			It's a case of luck at this point. The odds are in my favor.			 11:20 AM

			Oh, and being friends with a unicorn that can change pockets of reality		 11:21 AM
 			at will is a real confidence-booster.



Section 8

>Monday, June 10, 11:49am, Basement of Addams Household (at desk)
>Minimum of ~55.25 months until first rescue attempt
>You are Twilight Sparkle
>Mistakes were made
>You had to try it, though
>Form a hypothesis based on known facts or patterns
>Create an experiment to test those facts or patterns
>Observe the results and come to a conclusion
>The scientific process always provides an answer
>What answer did you get?
>Leaving the house may actually be detrimental to your waking health
>The idea that going outside would wake you from this nigh-impossible, dreamlike scenario was a horrible hypothesis
>And now you reap the consequences
>Jon had you clean his office
>Granted, you helped make a bit of the mess there with all the Canterlot Computer notes
>Eliza is having you do laundry
>Their automatic washer is computerized, so this is relatively easy
>The wash-cylinder does a little shake to check the weight of the load, and then does the rest for you
>Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake
>Clap your hooves and do a little shake
>Easy or not, you don’t like it
>Jake…
>…hasn’t decided what commitment to give you yet


>He’s taken up jogging recently, and he keeps talking about weapons
>That might have something to do with it
>All he’s told you is that he’s “working on something”
>Darnit, he was the last one you needed to get your magic back to full capacity
>Now he doesn’t trust you enough to tell you what punishment you’ll get
>For a brief period after the confrontation about the video, your magic was almost unusably weak
>But it’s exactly like Pinkie said: The easiest way to lose a friend’s trust is to break a promise
>You broke a promise
>You lost their trust
>Without their trust, you couldn’t use your magic for the better part of a day and have had difficulty using it for the better part of a week now
>All future magic experiments have been put on hold indefinitely
>The only good that came of this was that you’ve almost finished the first volume of ‘Traditions and Encounters,’ and Spike said you’d get a little more grace period before he considers telling the Addams that you used a spying enchantment on their son
>Your computer wasn’t exactly designed for hooves
>Not exactly designed for magic, either, but your magic doesn’t go where you want it to when the humans don’t trust you
>Between that and the cease-all-work order, you had no choice but to read
>This may well have been the first time in your life that you didn’t like reading
>The subject matter didn’t help


>It was mostly about the “Middle Ages”
>Still, you needed to read
>Something to take your mind off of your mistake
>As a side note, most human historical figures have facial hair
>Even the modern ones
>You first read about this in the chapters about Qin China, but you were under the impression that it might change over time
>So far, it hasn't
>How odd
>The “Middle Ages” were wonderful time full of illiteracy, infant mortality, disease, superstition, and wars between squabbling nobles (and a precious few mathematical and scientific advances)
>The European advances are partially the product of “The Crusades”
>As if you didn’t already have trouble thinking of the Cutie Mark Crusaders as something relatively peaceful and innocent
>That was before all this nonsense about Earth
>Cuban Missile Crisis
>CMC
>Cutie Mark Crusaders
>That one is probably coincidental
>How could they figure into this coma dream?
>They’re not THAT destructive
>Anyway, Europeans practically discarded the knowledge of Aristotle, a Greek philosopher and scientist who laid the groundwork for modern human science


>Through international trade, the Arabs (human, not Saddle) gathered and translated his works during the ages when the Greek and Roman Empires controlled Mediterranean Sea trade
>They referred to Aristotle as ‘The First Teacher,’ revering him for his knowledge
>Countries within the Muslim Caliphates became synonymous with intellectual pursuits and famed for their complex architecture
>In modern times, the countries of the former caliphates are famed for something entirely different
>At the Islamic Empire’s greatest extent, it stretched from the former Sasanid Empire’s Iran to the northern border of Spain
>When they ran up against the Holy Roman Empire (which was actually French), the Franks decided that they’d prefer Clergy to Caliphate and retaliated
>Frankish King Charles “The Hammer” Martel routed an attempted Muslim invasion at the Battle of Tours
>The Islamic Empire never gained any more territory after that
>Not satisfied with simply defending themselves, the Franks pushed the Muslims out of Spain
>Fighting continued for centuries
>There was infighting on both sides, mercenaries who swapped sides regularly, and hatred all around
>The moment you remember best about this period is the burning of the Library of Cordova
>Embers were practically still glowing from the fire set to all the philosophical works in the library by the Muslim Clergy when the Franks arrived and set it on fire AGAIN


>Only a select few books which were translated into Latin (or taken for “safe keeping” and study by the Church) survived
>The Franks didn’t want anything to do with things written in Arabic, however
>Reading them would have been ‘heretical’
>So, in this roundabout way, Europeans learned of the classic philosophers and scientists again
>They didn’t learn much FROM them because most of the documentation had been burned
>Around the same time as that, the “Crusades” began
>With the “Reconquista” of Spain going so well, the ‘Knights’ of Europe weren’t all needed
>This warrior class grew restless
>Having all the skills for warfare and nothing to use them on, they roamed and entertained themselves in the way they knew best
>Fighting anything that moved
>The Catholic Clergy realized this was a problem, and devised a plan to benefit all involved (except the Muslims)
>A new war would be started to conquer Jerusalem for its biblical importance
>…which just so happened to be in the heart of the Islamic Empire, and was of equal importance to Islam because of the shared Abrahamic roots
>Any and all Christians who fought in this war would be guaranteed entry to ‘Heaven’
>‘Heaven’ (sort of weird how they use nouns as proper nouns) is supposed to be like a club for only the most virtuous of Christian humans
>Death is the price of admittance


>This is a common theme in most religions
>Humans who live a virtuous life get some sort of reward upon death
>The nature of the reward and the definition of virtue vary slightly
>Despite the incentive, the armies of Europe failed to hold Jerusalem
>Civilians of each side sometimes traded, and Europe acquired more Aristotelian knowledge this way
>Europeans really liked the Roman and Greek Empires at the time
>They were widely considered to be the high point of European civilization
>Writings from Aristotle and other Greco-Roman intellectuals was in high demand, but being caught with anything written in Arabic was equivalent to treason
>Multiple attempts to capture and hold Jerusalem were made over several centuries
>All of them failed
>Some of them were just bizarre
>The “Children’s Crusade” was a transparent attempt to sell slaves under the guise of sending innocent (and therefore protected by ‘god,’ somehow) children to spread Christianity without any escort
>The “Fourth Crusade” was purely Christian on Christian fighting


>Crusaders bankrupted Venice by having their fleet prepared there, then set sail with less soldiers than planned
>Low on supplies and impatient, the head of the fleet concealed the Pope’s directive to never attack fellow Christians
>Apparently the ‘Knights’ wanted to fight so much that the Pope needed to specify that
>Instead of going all the way to Jerusalem, they attacked the Byzantine Empire, which was formerly the Roman Empire, which was formerly the Greek Empire
>There sure are a lot of empires in human history…
>Most of them have gone the way of the dinosaur, thankfully
>Emperor Constantine of the Byzantine Empire made a point of being Christian centuries earlier
>Christianity was the primary religion in his empire, but that didn’t matter to the Crusaders
>They sacked Constantinople and caused a schism between Eastern Orthodox Christianity and Roman Catholic Christianity that continues to this day
>At least some Europeans got to read old Greek and Roman works
>Some
>There were two ways to be an educated European during those times: being a monk or being rich
>Everyone else?
>They got to be illiterate
>Tough break, peasant
>Go back to farming for the fiefdom and make sure you’re in church when the sermons are given
>In summary: Europe wanted things written by Aristotle, so they burned a library full of it, forbade themselves from reading it in a different language, didn’t teach their population to read in their own language, and then invaded Aristotle’s home


>What was the point of that?
>Are humans just naturally violent, like you thought all along?
>These are historical examples
>Maybe they just WERE naturally violent, and the shock of the Cuban Missile Crisis made them realize how wrong that was?
>The thing about that, though, is that there’s still so much violence today
>You’re no closer to figuring out why
>Jake did make you watch that recreation of the events of the Cuban Missile Crisis
>It was… something
>The thought of how close humans came to a nuclear war so soon after hearing the main character of Citizen Kane claim people were “too smart to embark on a project that would mean the end of civilization” wasn’t comforting
>He was speaking of the Second World War
>The news seems to suggest it’s a new war isn’t an unlikely possibility
>Less likely than it was in ‘Doctor Strangelove,’ but still likely
>Jake found that movie hilarious
>You found it good for a few laughs, but it was a political comedy
>It’s the sort of thing you need to think about to get the jokes, but thinking about the events of the movie made it sort of hard to laugh
>Comedy in Equestria never comes this dark


>The plot is that sometime in the 1960s, a US Air Force commander suffers a bout of paranoid schizophrenia
>He orders the nuclear bombers under his command to attack the Soviet Union because he believes they’re stealing his “precious bodily fluids” and corrupting his “essence of purity”
>A British Royal Air Force officer who’s serving as his assistant as part of an exchange program attempts to persuade him to cancel the attack
>That officer claimed to have flown a ‘Spitfire’ in World War 2
>Apparently that’s a type of airplane to humans, not a notoriously critical Wonderbolts captain
>Meanwhile, the president of the US, his generals, a former Nazi scientist, and a Soviet ambassador try to-
>Wow, that sounds like a “x, y, and z all walk into a bar” joke now that you’ve summarized it
>-all of them try to figure out what’s going on and how to stop it
>The highest general keeps trying to keep the ambassador from seeing “the big board with all the lights” that shows where all the bombers are
>He was rather funny
>It wasn’t as funny when he realized that the one bomber with a malfunctioning radio was going to complete its mission and set off the Soviets’ previously unknown automatic retaliation system


>The crew on that bomber doubted their mission the entire time, but never turned around
>There was even trouble getting the bombs to drop
>One of the crewmen jumped on top of it until it fell out of the plane, then rode it through the air until impact
>That’s it
>There’s a nuclear war
>Fallout lasts a century due to a new element used in the bombs
>Everyone dies
>The end
>We’ll meet again (don’t know where, don’t know when)
>You’d never seen a movie end like that before
>Movies are supposed to have happy endings, not whatever sort of ending that was
>No wonder the movie started with a disclaimer that the events in the movie would require several organizational failsafes not to be in place
>Everyhuman in that movie was so single-minded
>So determined
>It was like they forgot everything else as soon as they had a war to fight
>Sure, they were caricatures, but it was so scary and tragic
>Worse than that, it’s not fiction
>You did some internet searches after that movie
>Russia’s ‘Dead Hand’ system is a real, currently operational thing
>There are seismic sensors all over Russia that would request a nuclear strike if they detect activity consistent with a nuclear war, then automatically launch a retaliation if its request isn’t answered
>Thinking that had to be the extent of the movie’s truth, you checked the other side of the equation
>The US Air Force is under investigation for its poor handling of sexual abuse in its ranks
>Bad, but it could be much, much worse


>You also looked up some things about the Cuban Missile Crisis movie
>Apparently, it had been given materiel by the US military to use as props
>At least up until the military ‘Defense Films Liaison’ unit decided that a historically accurate portrayal of General Curtis Lemay wasn’t flattering enough
>What did they expect?
>It was a historical recreation that included the person who ordered the first use of ‘nuclear weapons’ in war and was nicknamed “Bombs Away Lemay”
>It’d be a lie to say he didn’t call for a “first strike” during the Crisis
>According to further research you did on the internet, the ‘flattery for props’ exchange is done by nearly every movie with military content
>This research was surprisingly difficult, as if the web searches were directing you away from relevant information
>Something is very wrong with your computer’s internet connection
>You don't know what or why, but something’s up
>That research (and pretty much everything else you were going to do) was interrupted by record rainfall seeping into the basement
>Luckily, you didn’t miss the news
>You actually did miss the news
>But the internet is the home to nearly all public information, so you’re listening to a recording from that day to make up for it



http://www.onthemedia.org/story/297724-surveillance-revelations-turkish-media-looks-away-and-more/
(Audio link: NPR’s “On The Media” broadcast from June 7th, 2013. Interesting points include an early discussion of the NSA scandal, details on the riots in Turkey, and an interview with a woman who is suffering from mistaken identity – she’s widely thought to be the same person as someone who died in a viral video of the violence surrounding Iran’s 2008 elections, and has been reproached several times for trying to clear that up. Interesting, but not essential.)


>A building demolition went wrong and collapsed onto a charity center
>The government of Syria is being accused of using lethal gas weapons against its own citizens, and investigators claim it’s already been confirmed
>There are several major floods occurring around the globe (and one minor flood in the basement last Friday)
>Turkish citizens are protesting en masse about government corruption after an environmentalist protest was treated unnecessarily harshly by police
>Those are minor news items at the moment
>Edward Snowden is currently the most infamous human alive
>He used to be a contractor working at the United States National Security Agency
>Four days ago, he released a bundle of documents to the media that details how the United States is monitoring its citizens’ communications
>The answer is “extensively” 
>At first it was only revealed that the NSA was gathering information about caller, call recipient, and call length from a complicit telephone company
>It’s come out that they were also monitoring ‘instant messenger’ computer programs, electronic mail, and Celestia only knows what else


>Edward Snowden has since fled to Hong Kong, China, and extradition requests are being denied
>International tension is high between the United States and China, as well as a moderate increase in tension with Russia
>You’re not totally sure how to feel about this
>On the one hoof, he was going against his own country
>On the other, his country (THIS country) was doing something it shouldn’t have been doing
>The general reaction from the human public is indignation
>The reaction from Russia and China is to call the US a hypocrite
>Each of those nations had similar-but-overt programs of warrantless surveillance, and were regularly criticized by the US for them
>At least now you have some idea of how the Addams will react when it’s time to tell them about the spell you cast on Jake
>It’s not going to be pretty
>Between your broken promise to stay indoors, your spying enchantment, and the confirmation of this popular suspicion, you may never get an ‘E-mail’ account
>Most websites’ features are going to be unavailable to you
>And the recording you’re listening to just said that ‘social media’ is an integral part of human society
>That isn’t the worst implication for you, however
>Snowden
>…snowed in?
>In June?
>The news can’t be an indicator of what’s going on in Equestria
>It just can’t!


>You refuse to believe that there could be a war happening
>That’s the sort of thing that happens on Earth, not at home!
>Not if the music is an indication of what’s going on outside of this dream
>If Nightmare Moon has returned somehow, she’s not a threat anymore
>‘Here Comes the Sun,’ following some (goodness gracious) great balls of fire
>Not just any sun: ‘King Sun’
>It’s all right, according to The Beatles
>Possibly also according to Celestia herself
>Nightmare Moon has been subdued, and now Celestia is delivering messages instead
>Or Celestia is on her way
>Or something
>The tone of the songs suggests Celestia’s already taken care of business, or she will in the near future
>Is Nightmare Moon/Luna keeping you updated throughout all of this?
>Why would she do that?
>That doesn’t make sense
>The music plainly said that “nothing is real,” suggesting that you really may be in a dream, but you have no idea how “strawberry fields” would figure into it
>Then it started making even less sense
>Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun to come
>But if the sun don’t come, you’ll get a tan from standing in the English rain
>I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus
>Goo goo ga joob
>Either Discord has something to do with this, or you’re just hearing yourself mutter deliriously
>Now you have no idea what to trust for a message from outside this dream
>You might have been making up all of these messages


>Then what?
>Do you have any connection to reality?
>This can’t not be a dream
>How else would you be here?
>Did ‘they’ send you here?
>Who is the ‘they’ from the last letter you got from Rainbow Dash?
>Changelings?
>Assuming this is real (and how could it be?) there are changelings who are better at high-level magic than any magic scholars of recent history
>You wouldn’t even be getting these secret messages if changelings were behind this
>And they wouldn’t have bothered with that Pinkie impersonation
>Are ‘they’ humans?
>Could humans have willed you here, a la Celestia and Luna’s sudden appearance from pure harmony?
>Is that just a thing that happens to alicorns from time to time?
>No
>That’s ridiculous
>Besides, your horn feels much different around humans than it did during that freak teleportation accident
>And the letter said that everything is actually under control
>Is it, or isn’t it?
>Should you be worried, or not?
>Nothing makes sense
>*twang*
>For example, what just tapped you on the back?
>You turn away from your desk to look and see-
>OH MY GOSH
>Human
>Camouflaged clothes
>Ski mask on face
>Holding a green and orange pistol
>POINTING PISTOL AT YOU
>You cover your head and close your eyes, inadvertently knocking your earbud headphones out in the process

(audio link: pause the previous link if you’re still listening to it.)


“Don’t hurt me! I’ll cooperate! I’ll do whatever you want!”
>“…are you SERIOUS right now? Are you fucking serious?”
>That sounded like Jake, but it came from the same place as the human
>You peek out from between your forelegs
>Just answer the question
“Umm…yes?”
>“Wrong answer.”
>The human figure removes its ski mask in a single, frustrated swipe
>It is Jake
>He lowers the gun and throws the mask onto your bed
>You lower your hooves
>Before you can collect your thoughts, he raises his voice
>“I’m okay with the whole cat-p0ny act, but now you’re being a pussy! I came down here half-expecting you to turn me into a newt, for fuck’s sake, and this is how you react?!”
>Jake snuck up behind you and scared you witless, and HE’S the one doing the berating?
>Who the hay does he think he is?
“W-well maybe I should turn you into a newt! You scared me half to death!”
>Reeeeal smooth
>Totally convincing
>At least he’s lowered his voice to a more reasonable tone
>“Yeah, but now I know you’re not going to.”
>He leans over to a shelf you didn’t clean and picks up a small bolt with his left hand
>You can see his arm bend back, then slowly swing forward and release the bolt
>It sails through the air straight towards your forehead
>You blink
>*tap*


>“Come on. I telegraphed that throw so hard you could’ve seen it from space, and you let it hit you? What are you, a horse?”
>Does he not recall that you specifically told him not to call you a horse?
>You are a pony
>There are several fundamental biological and physical differences between p0nies and horses
>GET IT RIGHT
“Don’t call me that!”
>That still came out too nervous and whiny
>“I prefer to call things what they are. You’re acting like a horse.”
“Yeah, well… so do I, and I’m not a horse!”
>“I preferred the cat-pony routine. A cat would’ve scratched me by now, or at least shown me it has claws.”
>He reaches back towards the same shelf
>“Do you know how humans tame horses?”
“N-no.”
>“It’s simple. Someone climbs onto a horse’s back and waits until the horse stops trying to throw them off.”
>He lazily tosses another bolt at your head
>You blink
>*tap*
>“I was on your back for less than a second. You responded by covering your head and begging for mercy.”
>Completely disregarding the fact that humans are on your back all the time with their control of your magic, you had a very good reason
“You were POINTING A GUN AT ME. What was I supposed to do?”
>“You could’ve turned it into snowflakes. Besides, I wasn’t pointing a gun at you.”
>Not a gun?
>Has Jake lost his mind?
“What do you call that thing in your hand?”


>Jake looks at the green and orange pistol, turning it over several times
>Then he puts something into the front of it and-
>POINTED AT YOU AGAIN
>You cover your head and scrunch your eyes shut
“Stop! Stop! Don’t point that at me!”
>*twang*
>Something hits the outer side of your forelegs
>One of your eyes opens cautiously
>You see a pair of rubber-tipped foam cylinders on the floor in front of you
>They’re about half an inch in diameter and three inches in length
>Did those…?
>“Yes, I just shot you. I told you it’s not a gun. I’m actually surprised you didn’t realize it was a toy.”
>Human toys… that just figures
>Jake’s idea of fun is getting tiresome
“You could have just shown it to me!”
>“Well, since you asked…”
>He winds up and lobs the pistol at you slowly
>Your magic barely deflects it to the side
>It skitters off the floor and ends up in the darkness somewhere under your desk
“Stop throwing things at me!”
>Risky move
>You’ve been trying to keep him from seeing your horn as you’re casting and hoping he doesn’t catch on
>“You’re a cornered animal. Bite me.”
“Stop.”


>“The all-powerful wizard isn’t even asking nicely.”
>Jake reaches back to the shelf where he got the bolts
>Big surprise: he’s picking up another bolt
“PLEASE stop.”
>His reply comes out flat, plain, and completely indifferent to your annoyance
>“No.”
>His arm cocks back
>As it comes forward again, he releases the bolt
>Getting really sick of this
>Darn the consequences, you charge your horn
>This bolt isn’t going to hit you
>It will be counteracted by an equal an opposite force to its velocity, then an equal and opposite force to gravity, and then drop
>But it doesn’t do that
>There’s a loud, snapping noise
>You aren’t sure what happened
>It happened so quickly that all you can see are the results, despite having kept your eyes open through all of it
>Jake has flinched off to the side
>Immediately behind him, a support post for the house has a piece of twisted metal embedded nearly halfway inside of it
>Both of you approach to inspect the damage


>“Well DAMN, Twilight! I think I heard a sonic crack come off of that thing!”
>Supersonic?
>That’s pretty impressive for something you didn’t mean to do
>It also could have caused serious bodily harm
>You need to clarify your intentions to Jake before you lose even more control over your magic
“I was trying to make it stop, but my magic made it bounce back somehow! I didn’t even use that much magic on it! Please don’t get the wrong idea. I’d never hurt you, let alone-”
>“I’d have been impressed if you did mean to do that. You’ve got potential, I’ll give you that.” 
>He’s put one hand on each of his hips and is nodding slowly at your work
>Originally, your mouth had been agape from the shock of discovering that you’d thrown the bolt (without even intending to) so fast that it could have killed
>Now you’re agape at Jake for approving of how you nearly killed him
>What is going on here?
>You take a second to collect yourself before speaking in as calm a voice as you can manage
“Why are you bothering me?”
>“Bothering you? No, that’s a byproduct of what I’m doing.”
“Then what ARE you doing?”
>“Making sure you’re ready.”


>That didn’t answer your question
“For what?”
>“For the last week, I’ve been preparing an emergency plan. Let’s say that, hypothetically, there was an unmanned aircraft above our house because our living expenses suddenly rose for no good reason. You might have been spotted by a government agency that would have a vested interest in having you all to themselves.”
>The surprises keep on coming
“I’m still taking this Snowden event in… do you mean to say that this country’s government is using the same sort of vehicles they use for those ‘surgical strikes’ in Yemen on their own citizens, in addition to the ‘cyber-surveillance?’”
>“I think they could be. I might be misinterpreting something, and I know they’re not supposed to use them for strikes on their own soil, but I believe they’re allowed to at least fly them from base to base. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve taken a few liberties with that.”
“Is that legal?”
>“It shouldn’t be, but I’m pretty sure they wrote laws that said they could when they thought nobody was looking. Look, my point is that we may need to seek asylum in Canada if things get really bad. Our best bet is an Albuterol-fueled rush to the border.”


“I’m sorry, what’s ‘Albuterol?’”
>“It’s the inhaler I take before I go jogging. It should take about ten days of hiking and camping to get to Montreal. Traveling by foot (and hoof) means we don’t have to worry about roadblocks, and going through New Hampshire and Vermont should negate some of our mobility disadvantages. Tree cover is an added bonus to the route. Drones and other aircraft are going to have a harder time spotting us, even on infrared.”
“You’ve lost me again. Who are we running from?”
>“I thought it would be obvious. If the government gets it in its collective head that you’re worth kidnapping, they would bring every relevant military resource-”
>Whoa, hold on for a second
>Did he just say that a military would-
>Oh no, oh no, oh no no no no no!!!
“Wait, you mean to say that AN ENTIRE MILITARY could be coming after Spike and I because I went outside?!”
>“Calm down. If things really do go that way, all we’d have to contend with would probably be some National Guard units, police, and maybe a few special operations teams. Nothing you couldn’t handle with a bit of magic.”
“Nothing I couldn’t handle? I can barely rely on my magic! What do you think I am, a ‘god?!’”
>“You’re close enough for my purposes.”
“And what are those?!”
>“Well…”
>Jake stands up, only to take a seat on your bed
>He leans forward, putting his elbows onto his spread legs and steepling his fingers
>This process is surrounded by an agonizing silence


>“Regardless of how powerful you are, you’re what we call a ‘force multiplier:’ a factor that can give a small group disproportionate strength. You are my family’s ticket out of danger if we need to flee the country. The odds are a thousand to one that we really are going to get raided. We still need to be ready, and that means you need to be ready.”
“We would be going up against a large portion of a military! Thousands of people! I’m just one mare, for Celestia’s sake!”
>This is hopeless
>Absolutely hopeless
“No. I’m sorry. I-I can’t do this. We should just turn ourselves in before someone gets-”
>“If you convince yourself we’ll lose, we’ll definitely lose. Surrender isn’t an option.”
“Yes it is!”
>“No, it’s not. I can’t stand the thought of someone’s boot on my neck, figuratively or literally. I'm going to fight, even if you don't. How much of a chance I stand is up to you.”
>He's coercing you by betting his own life?
>This is completely insane!
>You need to try a different angle
>Something, anything to persuade him to give up
>He has to realize what sort of impact this would have on Earth


“What if we make it into Canada, but the US thinks I’m so important that they invade?! I might be the spark for your third ‘World War!’ What if it’s a ‘nuclear’ w-”
>“Stop speculating. Not even Congress is retarded enough to do that. Not after all the fuss over Edward Snowden. The man’s a patriot, and the US is getting nearly as much heat from pursuing him as they are from the documents he leaked. If the US starts that war, they’ll have nothing but enemies.”
“But they’re going after him anyway, so they’d definitely come after us! And how the hay is someone a patriot for betraying their country?”
>Your forehooves clamp to the sides of your head
“Nothing makes sense anymore!”
>“Nationalists say ‘my country, right or wrong.’ Patriots say ‘how can I make my country right?’ If my country has the gall to start a war over some scared girl and a little boy that just want to go home, I’d rather be a patriot than a nationalist. I won’t care about what happens if what I’m doing is right.”
“This is crazy…”
>“Do you want to hear my plan or not?”
>Need to regain control of the situation
>Need certainty
>Plan?
>Yes, a plan sounds good!
“I… oh Celestia, what are we going to do?”
>“This isn’t about what we ARE going to do, it’s what we MAY NEED to do. This is a contingency plan. Calm down and listen to me.”
>Okay, that makes this a little more bearable
>Your hyperventilating lungs seem to agree with that
>Now it’s just something bad which you don’t know if-


>No, it’s only slightly better in a different way
>You do feel your forehooves’ vise-grip on your head loosen
>“The short version is that we go north-northwest and don’t look back. I assume you and Spike would be wanted alive. Unless you provoke them, they won’t use lethal force against you. Psychological operations are our biggest threats. Shut them out when they try to talk to you. They will say anything to get you to surrender or make you freak out. I can tell that isn’t very hard to do to you, and the US has some of the best psyops of modern military history.”
“That’s not very comforting…”
>“I’ll repeat the important part. They will not kill you. They will not kill Spike. That will only change if you force their hand. Stay calm, ignore what they say, and you’ll live.” 
>Not sure whether that’s comforting or not
>Who knows what would happen if you were captured?
>Who knows what will happen if you make it to Canada?
>What about your hosts?
“Do you think they’d try to kill you and your family?”
>“I doubt they’d think we’re as important as you and Spike. I don’t know if they’d try to kill us deliberately, but we’re safer if we stick with you.”


>Great
>This is entirely dependent on YOU
>And if you let anything happen to them, you can’t do anything for yourself
“I’m not so sure about being your first and last line of defense. I mean, I can’t count on my magic anymore.”
>“Can you handle a seven-pound metal object?”
>Math
>Yes, anything to distract you from this mess you might have caused
>Carry the two… find X…
>Approximately 80
>That’s just barely within standard deviation
>The answer is uncertain
“I think so?”
>“Good enough. Besides, you’re just the first line. We can’t have a force multiplier if the initial force is zero, can we?”
>He pulls a half-meter of metal pipe out of his coat and shows it to you
>Jake doesn’t do anything for a moment
>Maybe he wants you to take it from him?
>You grasp it in your hooves and try to figure out its purpose
“What is it?”
>“That’s a barrel, chamber, and pin. I made two more of these for Eliza and Jon, but this one is mine. It is my best friend. Having made it myself down at Al’s workshop, I’d say that I’ve mastered it as I’ve mastered my life.”
>Jake is speaking nonsense right now
>You shift and rotate the tube as well as you can with your hooves
>One end has a cap on it
>The other end seems to be made of a slightly thinner pipe that’s been slid inside the capped end
>What purpose it serves is still unclear


“Best friend? Would you please just tell me what you’re talking about?”
>“I’m talking about those probably-legal pipes. I got instructions how to make it on the internet a few years ago. The schematics called it a ‘Four Winds’ design and said it was popular in the Philippines back in the 40’s. I built it a little longer than it’s supposed to be so it has a tighter spread.” 
>This obtuseness is getting on your nerves
“Never mind. Are you sure the Canadians would be willing to shelter us?”
>“Canada has a reputation for being a little less… uh…”
>Jake pauses for a few seconds as he searches for the right word
>“…opportunistic than the United States. Whether the US would accept the fact that we got away is something else.”
>Turning the pipe over, you notice a hole on one end
>Maybe there’s something inside the hole?
>You flip it over and shake it
>The pipe rattles slightly, but nothing comes out
“So we’re not safe even if we get out of the country?”
>“That’s up to the President. I know he doesn’t want any more stains on his reputation. Barring insubordination, we’ll be mostly safe.”
“Mostly?”
>“Unless he decides to follow the Mossad model of special operations, we’ll have garnered too much attention for someone to come after us directly without looking like a jerk.”
>You peek down the hole while trying not to obstruct the light
>It’s a hollow metallic tube within another hollow metallic tube
>You’re still no closer to figuring out its purpose


“Alright, I give up. I want to know what this is, especially if I’m holding contraband.”
>“It’s an improvised shotgun, you doofus.”
>EEP
>The ‘gun’ pipe clatters to the floor
>You kick it away for good measure, then return your attention to Jake
>Unlike you, he’s smiling
“Look, I’m not sure about you, but I’m not fond of the idea of pieces of metal moving through my body at high speed! You could have warned me!”
>“All the ammo that Evan borrowed from his brother’s stash is upstairs. Besides, it’s not my fault that you didn’t recognize the terms I used to describe it.”
“I still don’t appreciate all these scares!”
>The smile fades from him
>“And that’s why I’m scaring you.”
“You were trying to scare me?”
>“I was trying to figure out why you’re scared at all. There were so many things you could have done to defend yourself. Why didn’t you do anything when you saw me?”
>Besides the fact that your magic is useless for everything except what they want you to do?
“I… I don’t have a good answer.”
>“There’s no place for reluctance when your life is in danger. You need to develop a killer instinct.”
“I don’t want a killer instinct. I don’t want to kill, period!”


>“Well, in case you need to, I’m going to teach you how to survive a war.”
“But-”
>He grabs you firmly but gently on your withers and speaks in a calm desperation you’ve rarely heard before
>“I won’t give you a say in the matter. I put a week’s worth of planning into this, and I refuse to throw it all out. I’m going to help you, dammit!”
>This is all for your protection
>A certain somepony you know would go to the same lengths to convince you that there’s something you need to do
>You push him off and snort in frustration
“That’s a really circuitous way to remind me of my brother.”
>“What, he does things like this to you?”
“No. He’d have said it to my face instead of sneaking up on me.”
>“Not this time, he wouldn’t.”
>He pulls a scroll from his coat pocket and gives it to you
>You immediately recognize your brother’s writing


Jake,

You’re right. Twilight’s probably not going to want to go along with that, even if it’s something she really
needs to do. Try scaring her. Maybe fake an attack if you think you can pull that off. I’m not sure if you
can scare her any more than she is already, but it’s worth a shot. The stuff you’ve sent me about human
militaries is exciting to read about, but I shudder every time I think about what it must be like to be on
the receiving end.

Oh, and she’s probably going to ask to see this letter if you go through with that. Sorry, sis! It’s for your
own good!

Stay safe,
Cpt. Shining Armor, Canterlot Royal Guard, Command


>Now the ‘reminds you of your brother’ and your actual brother are collaborating
>Well, you’re going to have to win back the humans’ trust
>Submitting to their will seems to be the logical way to do that
>And if they trust you with their lives, they may trust you with nearly anything
>You sigh
“Is Celestia okay with this?”
>“She insisted that I don’t commit us to the plan until she was satisfied it could work. If you agree to help, we’re committed.”
>And Celestia’s in on it, too
>If it’s good enough for her…
“Alright, I’m in.”
>“Welcome to the fire team.”


>He gives you a brief pat on the side
>Fire team?
>You recall Jake coming down to check on the laundry detergent for some sort of fire-bomb recipe, but you don’t know if that was a serious consideration
>He starts speaking in a less welcoming, more serious tone before you can voice your concerns about using flame-based weaponry in a forested area
>“What do you know about war?”
>Not much
“Uh… humans have guns that can be shot a lot of times before they need to be loaded again, and their tanks are made of metal, and-”
>“Just say that you don’t know much.”
“Okay, fine. I don’t.”
>“And that’s exactly why I want to teach you. Lesson one: camouflage.”
>Jake begins to shimmy out of his camouflaged jacket
>So, he thinks he’s going to teach you about camouflage?
>As if you have anything to learn from him!
>Time to show him up for all of this
>You reply the moment he has the jacket over his head
“I actually have a decent understanding of camouflage techniques.”
>He lays the jacket on the bed beside himself
>“Is that so?”


“The fundamentals of concealment are shape, shine, silhouette, shade, speed, shadows, and sound.”
>Jake’s mouth drops open
>He blinks a few times
>Ah, good
>Humans must use that alliteration as well
>For once, the similarities between home and here are helpful
>You can’t help but smile at Jake’s befuddlement
“Just because I’m unfamiliar with human warfare doesn’t mean I’m helpless.”
>“But your brother said-”
“They don’t wear camouflage so the generals can know where their own troops are.”
>Then how did you-”
“Nature watching. Standing out in the open while observing a dragon migration isn’t exactly a good idea…”
>You take a few steps to close the distance on him, then prop yourself up to eye level with him by standing your forehooves on the bed just between his legs
>You whisper as you lean in close to him
>The two of you are practically nose-to-nose
“…but that’s just common sense for a purple beacon of light.”
>His tiny eyes break contact with yours, methodically scanning for an escape
>He won’t find one
>You take your right forehoof and place it on his nose
>And then you give a light push
>He offers no resistance, falling back onto the mattress with an audible gust of air
>You hop up onto the mattress beside him and place the opposite forehoof on his chest
“Quit talking down to me like I'm some stupid little kid.”


>“It’s hard to do anything except talk UP to you from this angle, princess.”
“And don’t call me pr-”
>You’re tumbling
>You land on your belly, still on the mattress
>Something hard is digging into your left side and compressing your wing
>Something else is holding your left foreleg out to the side, nearly overextending your limb
>Point is, whatever just happened is painful
>“Let’s make one thing clear: you’re not the expert here.”
>What the heck?
>You look up and to your left
>Jake has somehow wrestled you into a submission hold
“In fact, you don’t know jackshit about war. I think I know why.”
>The position he has you in is legitimately painful
>It’s like a stretch gone just a bit too far
>Not enough to be agonizing, but your pain is only exacerbated by how ticked off you’re feeling
>“You can’t think when you’re afraid.”
“Let me go! You can’t do this to me!”
>Jake continues as if you hadn’t said anything
>“You think humanity is a threat to you. It isn’t. Someone as intelligent and powerful as you has no reason to feel fear. You just don’t know what to expect from humanity if they really do want to hurt you. There’s a simple solution to this: stop being a coward long enough to actually think. I know you’re smart enough to figure shit out for yourself because you never ask the obvious questions during the movies. If you’d kept a level head, you might have realized I was wearing outdated camo and using a fucking toy gun.”


>You try flapping your free wing, wriggling around, ANYTHING to get out of this hold
>Nothing works
>Magic won’t get you out of this
>Struggling only made it hurt more
>You’re going to have to talk your way out of this
“What do you want?”
>He loosens the hold just enough for it to hurt less
>“I already told you. I want to know why you’re afraid.”
“I have a lot to be afraid about.”
>Jake looks away, rolling his eyes and exhaling sharply
>“If you’re going to insist on being afraid, then whatever. Fear reminds you that you’re alive, and that you want to stay that way. I’m not okay with how you react to fear. Don’t let it control you. Make it MOTIVATE you, and for fuck’s sake stop holding yourself back.”
>He bends over to whisper in your ear
>“It’s all in your head.”
>That it is, Jake
>That it is
>Wait, there’s something on his breath…
>Nevermind
>You were probably just imagining that, the same as everything else is being imagined
>Strawberry fields
>Nothing is real
>Great, now that song’s stuck in your head
>Why couldn’t it have been a good song, like ‘Imagine?’


>He finally releases you and sits cross-legged on the opposite side of the bed
>You sit up on the mattress to rub your sore leg
“What’s gotten into you?”
>“Alcohol.”
>What
>“I may or may not have had a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade before I came down here.”
“You’re drunk? Seriously?”
>“It was just enough to keep me from feeling afraid. I mean, seriously. You could’ve turned me into a newt. Newt-ification is a fate worse than death.”
>And a fate that you wouldn’t deal out lightly
>Besides, it’s not really a ‘fate’ if the enchantment would fade after a while
>Probably
>He doesn’t understand magic (even though you gave him the opportunity to TRY), he barges down here and makes you fear for your life, and now he’s drunkenly accusing you of being willing to turn him into an amphibious creature for the second time in a row
>A pony with less patience would have thrown him out of the basement by now
>Possibly literally
>That pony might not be as concerned about their magic as you
“You remind me of those soldiers in ‘The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.’ Have to get drunk to have the will to confront me, even though I said I'd never hurt you…”
>“That’s an idea! Maybe we should get you drunk. You sure don’t feel like fighting when you’re sober.”
“NO.”


>“Alright, okay, no need to get upset. Just pointing out that you’re a wizard who specced into magic instead of charisma this time.”
>Once more, what
>The first time must have been coincidence, now that telepathy is ruled out
>This can’t be a reference to your personal history, unless-
>“You know, like that time your brother tried to get you into playing Oubliettes and Ogres? He told me all about it. You’re the funniest fuckin’ thing when you’re out of your element. Seriously, rolling a wizard with HIGH charisma? Who does that?”
>Okay, that’s the last straw
>You stop rubbing your sore muscles and sock him one
>Right in the jaw
>Wait a sec, you just punched him
>Hard enough to knock him over on the mattress, right onto the camouflage jacket he’d taken off
>This decision may not have had enough thought put into it
>He props himself up on an elbow and runs his tongue around the inside of his mouth to check for loose teeth
>“Augh… Thank you! Finally, jeez.”
>Yet again, what
>He’s messing with you
>This has to be some sort of mind-game
“You wanted me to hit you? What is wrong with you?”
>“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? I had to push you so far before you tried pushing back!”
“I gave you plenty of comeuppance when you talked down to me about camouflage. You’re the one who kept it going after that!”
>“That doesn’t count. I forgot about that. You got an advantage you weren’t supposed to have.”


“And what should I do when I’m at a disadvantage?”
>“Fight anyway.”
“Against these odds? This is the worst thing I’ve ever agreed to.”
>“You’re like a tiger with the mind of a mouse. If you’re willing to fight, the odds aren’t against you because you’re a fucking wizard.”
>Change the subject
“You’re being awfully vulgar.”
>“You’re being awfully cowardly and you swear like a kindergartener. I’m DRUNK. You don’t have an excuse!”
“On one bottle of hard lemonade?”
>“Okay, not very drunk. Doesn’t change the fact that you’re a spineless coward.”
>That didn’t work
>Perhaps you could distract him with a cultural reference?
“The meek shall inherit the Earth.”
>“They don’t inherit the good parts. That’s just not how things work around here.”
>Jake swings his legs off of the side of the bed
>“Fight or die. I know you don’t want to do either, but you have to choose one.”
>He stands up and walks over to your desk
>“You’re not dying on my watch, and I know you’re capable of violence. You just won’t fight unless you have the right reason. I think I’ve figured out which one it is.”
>He picks up one of your spellbooks
>You can’t tell which from this angle


>“It’s the same reason the Native Americans scalped.”
>Not a reason you like
>May as well chip in with one that’s not as horrible just to show that you know what he’s trying to get across
“And it’s why Captain America fights using a shield.”
>“Exactly. Anything is justified when you’re on defense. Say, would you mind if I took a look at this just to get an idea of what you’re capable of?” 
“I mind. Put it back.”
>“I’m just gonna flip through it for a few minutes. Y’know, get a general idea of what high sorcery can do.”
“I said put it back.”
>“Make me.”
>Since that’s what he wants, he gets it
>Your magic snatches the book from his hand and places it on the desk just beside your keyboard
>It’s ‘The Specialist’s Spellbook’
>In light of all the evidence against telepathy, one last WHAT is in order
>He wouldn’t even be having this conversation if he knew the truth about your unreliable magic
>It might be a good idea to just tell him
>Then again, there doesn’t seem to be any dissuading him from this crazy plan of his
>Besides, you would prefer that he figure it out for himself


>It’s hard to tell whether he’s even considering the possibility of humans’ anomalous magical characteristics interfering with your magic
>You’d given him that “Foal’s First Spellbook’ to see if he was close to understanding that humans can influence your magic
>If he’d figured that out on his own, you might have come clean about that
>But that obviously didn’t happen
>It’s been so long since you’ve had anyone to talk to about the mechanics of magic that really understood it
>Even Jon’s confused by magic, and he’s the second-most scientific mind in the house
>As if Jake would be able to understand high-level magic if he was struggling with a spellbook for foals
>It was worth trying
>No, he doesn’t get the book today
>Not after all of this hoopla
>“Celestia’s right. You are a good student. You just learned about the importance of retaliation.”
>Retaliation
>Eye for an eye
>Yeah, you’re familiar with the concept
>And you’ve seen firsthoof where it can get you
“I’m not getting roped into the human cycle of retaliation again. There has to be a peaceful way to do this.”
>He turns to you and leans back against your desk
>“Cycle of retaliation? What the hell are you on about now?”
“Human history has a cycle of retaliation that goes back for millennia. That cycle needs to be broken, not perpetuated.”
>“This isn’t the time for a big discussion about human nature.”
>Oh COME ON


“I’ve determined that Hammurabi’s Code may very well be the basis for human history. Give me some credit, would you?”
>“It’s not the basis of history. It was just codifying what everyone wants. Hell, you wanted it!”
“You’re doing a spectacular job of making me an unhappy poony.”
>“If you really wanted to be happy, we’d still be doing those magic experiments. You sure you don’t want to do that today?”
>There’s no good answer to that
>Change the subject again
“I demand bellyrubs.”
>“Tempting, but I need to get going.”
“And where do you think you’re going?”
>He kneels to scoop the pipe-gun off of the floor
>“I told Jon I’m going to help him mark the route for his group bike ride today. He’s waiting for me.”
“Don’t we have more pressing issues to deal with?”
>“Nah. We've already had ten days, so I figure we have a little while until we get raided. If we get raided. Besides, derailing our lives just to prepare for a maybe-happening would mean we wouldn’t have to wonder about whether we’re under direct surveillance.”
>Wait, he knows when this is going to happen?
>That would have been relieving to know a few minutes ago
“You mean you know when we should expect… whatever is going to be sent after Spike and I?”
>“It’s more of an educated guess.”
“Okay, but when?”


>“July 4th. A suppressed weapon sounds enough like a string of firecrackers for it to be ignored on a night when actual fireworks are going off. It’d also give the operators who might or might not try to kick in our doors time to make a mockup of the house and run some drills in it. If they’re planning on coming in through a door, we’re pretty much set thanks to your spellcasting. All the other ways to enter and clear a house are really loud, so it should at least give us a few seconds of warning.”
“I wish you’d told me that earlier.”
>“I forgot. Also, I’m a bit drunk. Not sure if I mentioned that.”
>He stands up from his kneel and proceeds upstairs with the pipe-gun in hand
>“Jon’s waiting for me. See you later, barfbag.”
“That only happened once, and it was because you insisted on watching that ‘D-Day’ movie!”
>You trot upstairs after him
“Jake, you are being an unfathomable jerk right now. You’ve been an unfathomable jerk ever since you found out I’d been outside!”
>“I have my reasons.”
>At the top of the stairs, he ducks into his room and takes a handful of small red cylinders with golden caps off the top of his dresser using his free hand
>You can hear Spike playing whatever game he’s playing now
>It’s probably the same as that one he was playing a couple months ago


“I think I’m entitled to know those reasons!”
>Jake drops the cylinders into his pants pocket and turns to you
>“Fair enough.”
>He squats down to eye level with you and lowers his voice to a near-whisper
>“I couldn’t live with myself if I let anything bad happen to you. I know you’re not going to like what I put you through to get ready, but that’s how tough love works.”
>He reaches behind your head with the hand which hand been holding the cylinders
>“Do you really think I’d cheat myself out of seeing you smile again?”
>Before you can reply, his fingers start moving inside of your mane and massage your scalp
>It’s bliss
>Pure bliss
>Yesssssss
>Wait
>Why is it stopping?
>He isn’t scratching anymore
>Come on, that was three seconds at most!
>Now something is on your nose instead
>“Boop.”
>You open your eyes to see a finger poking the end of your snout
>You swat it away with a forehoof
“Quit toying with me.”
>“I’d say sorry, but I don’t want you getting used to hearing me apologize.”
“Would you please apologize anyway?”
>“For helping you toughen up? Best I can tell, nobody’s been a real jerk to you before. Just be glad that your first time is with someone who’s doing it because they like you.”
>Jake has a point
>Not a pleasant one, but a point
>The best response you can come up with is to grumble “fine”


>He stands back up and pulls another object off of his dresser through the open doorway
>This one’s a Digital Video Disc case
>Jake offers it to you as he speaks
>“I want you to have looked up the difference between a magazine and a clip and watched this movie before I get back. Take notes on it so I know how much you’ve seen. We’ll get into hand signals, movement, communication, and weapons handling sometime later.”
>You take the case in your hooves and scan around the cover-slip’s writing
>It’s titled ‘Gladiator’
>Great, another violent one
>Gaining trust by letting him pick the movies to watch is turning out to be an unpleasant plan
>Wait, the running time on this movie is three hours?
“Uh… how long are you going to be out with Jon?”
>“About two hours, maybe a bit more.”
“Okay, because this movie runs for more than that. I don’t think I can-”
>Jake’s footsteps retreat down the hall, through the kitchen, and out the door
>You stow the case under a folded wing
“…meanie.”


>But he’s being a meanie to help you
>Plus he has those scratching hands and really reminds you of your brother
>Granted, Shining never did anything like that before (and couldn't scratch behind your ears like he does)
>It’s like Jake is your brother’s personality taken to the illogical extreme, but with hands
>That submission hold came out of nowhere
>Your leg STILL hurts a bit
>Hopefully he’s only like this when he thinks he’s drunk
>No point dwelling on that, though
>You need to send a letter asking Shining what he was thinking, telling Jake to pull that stunt
>Back in the basement, you get your ink and quill and pen out a quick “what the hay?” letter
>You put the Digital Video Disk case on your desk and stow the letter under the same wing before returning upstairs
>Spike’s still playing that game as you come up behind him
>Now that you can see the screen of the television, you can tell exactly what he’s doing
>It looks like he’s making a ball of snow roll itself around a volcanic area
>Isn’t this game supposed to be about a bear?
>Whatever, it doesn’t matter
“Spike?”
>Your assistant looks behind himself to make eye contact with you
>“What’s up, Twilight?”
“‘What’s up’ is that my brother is being a bit of a jerk-by-proxy.”
>Spike turns his full attention to you, standing on the couch cushions and leaning forward onto the seat’s side rest
“Shining just had Jake dress up like a soldier and fake an attack on me. Jake was a bit overzealous, to say the least.”


>“What do you mean?”
“I mean that Jake wrestled me into a submission hold out of nowhere and called me a coward.”
>“And you pulled him off with your magic, right?”
>You look away and begin an evasive silence
>“Did you at least spook him with your magic? I know you figured out that it scares humans if you just touch them with it and they don’t want you to.”
>You remain silent
>The silence says more than your words could
>“…Did you do anything?”
>May as well just say it at this point
“No…”
>Spike’s brow furrows in concern
>“You just LET him?!”
“Yes...”
>“Come on, Twilight. This isn’t like you! Is something wrong? If it’s the whole ‘might have to run to Canadia’ thing, I think Jake has that figured out. We’re gonna be-”
>His eyes dart back over to the television
>The ball of snow which had been rolling around is now substantially smaller
>Spike picks up the Nintendo remote and presses a large, red button
>The snowball stops melting as the game switches to a menu of selections 
>“As I was saying, we’re gonna be okay. I think he knows what he’s doing.”
>Spike drops the remote onto the couch
>Going to be fine?
>Doubtful
>Knows what he’s doing?
>[Citation needed]
>…You may be spending too much time on ‘Wikipedia’


“Did he tell you the whole plan? All he told me before he rushed off was that we’d hike northwest for two weeks and try not to get caught.”
>“That’s all he told you? He told me three plans.”
>Oh, there are others?
>Let’s see if any of those are less insane
“What are they?”
>Spike leans his elbows onto the side rest of the couch so he can gesture as he explains
>“Okay, there’s plan ‘A’ where we don’t do anything super-suspicious and hope you weren’t noticed. If that fails and they think that someone’s watching us, we go to plan ‘B,’ which is to get in the car and go to Canadia. If that fails, we go to plan ‘C.’ I think ‘C’ is the one he told you.”
>Thank goodness, some reasonable plans!
“Why wouldn’t he tell me those?”
>Spike shrugs
>“I dunno. Did you panic when he was telling you plan ‘C?’”
>You don’t answer that
>There’s another pregnant silence
>“…That explains that. I thought I heard you panic down there. He has it figured out, trust me.”
>You want to believe that, but there’s so much uncertainty
>For one thing, you only know the basics of plan ‘C’
“What else did he tell you about plan ‘C?’ I didn’t catch much of it.”
>“I’m supposed to stay with you the whole time. We’re getting our food from Equestria so we don’t have to carry as much.”
“Anything else?”
>“He kept saying that we’d ‘take zip guns and go in the woods’ over and over again.”
>You cock an eyebrow
>Maybe there isn’t anything except the basics of plan ‘C’
“Well… THAT just fills me with confidence.”


>You levitate the letter out from under your wing and into Spike’s reach
“Send this, please? My brother and I need to discuss something.”
>“If you want an apology for getting pinned down by Jake, that wasn’t Shining’s idea.”
“Shining still owes me an apology. He’s the one who wanted Jake to scare me in the first place.”
>Spike sounds tired, as if he just doesn’t want to argue right now
>“Can you blame him?”
“For coming up with an idea that made me think I was about to die? Yes. Yes I can.”
>Spike simply shrugs and breathes his fire onto your letter, sending it without even touching it
>“Fair’s fair, I guess.”
>He plops back down onto the couch and resumes his game
>You’re about to turn and leave when Spike calls after you
>“Hey, Twilight?”
>Sounds like he wants to talk about something less serious
>Good; you could use a break
“Yes?”
>“What are industries?”
>He must have finally started listening to the radio news
>There was a controversy about worker treatment in the garments industry after a factory collapse in April
“They’re the human equivalent to craftspony guilds. Why do you ask?”
>“The last level I played was called ‘Grunty Industries’ and it was in a huge factory or something.”
>Or not
>A minor disappointment


>“It’s kind of odd that you’d say it’s like a guild. I didn’t see a lot of actual workers in it…”
“Then it must have been a mechanized factory. They’re useful for making a lot of a specific product with moderate quality, though they can’t change to producing a new product as quickly.”
>“Ah, okay. More ‘machines instead of magic’ stuff.”
“More or less. This one’s mostly about circumventing the lack of cutie mark-given talent instead of active magic, though.”
>The sound of an exterior door opening and closing rings out from the kitchen
>Jon or Jake must have forgotten something
>This is your chance to let Jake know he gave you an impossible task
>You turn and call out to whoever entered
“Jake? If that’s you, we need to talk.”
>No response
>You can still hear somehuman moving in the kitchen
“Jon?”
>Maybe the attack is coming sooner than expected
>You glance back at Spike
>He’s playing his videogame without a care in the world
>The sound of the movement in the kitchen stops
“…Hello?”


>To your surprise, you hear a reply from Eliza
>“Hi Twilight. Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
>Phew
>Okay, everything is fine
>She is home extremely early, though
>It’s barely lunchtime
>You start walking towards the kitchen
“What’s the occasion? Shouldn’t you be teaching?”
>“I didn’t have as much work as I expected today. Just a few tests to grade while the semester winds down.”
>Ah, that makes sense
>Arriving in the kitchen, you find Eliza hunched over the table, scribbling on some graph paper with her open ‘laptop’ off to the side
>Her face is scrunched in concentration
“So you brought it home to work on it instead?”
>Eliza doesn’t look up from her work, mumbling a simple, monotonous “no” in reply
>She seems preoccupied
>Maybe this isn’t the best time to be bothering her
“Oh. Um… I’ll just leave you to whatever that is.”


>You start backing down the hall
>“Wait! I mean… would you stay with me for a few minutes?”
>…Into the kitchen it is, then
>Eliza motions for you to take a seat next to her
>The chair squeaks softly as you climb onto it
>You steal a glance at the graph paper now that you’re close enough to read it
>From the looks of things, she’s calculating an average based on a table her ‘laptop’ is showing
>That’s well below calculus-level math
>Eliza wouldn’t have asked you to stay if she didn’t want your company, and you’ll never know if you don’t ask
“So… what are you working on?”
>Your question causes Eliza to look away from her work
>“Hmm?”
“Are you trying to figure out your classes’ averages?”
>“No, I’m checking Papi’s ERA.”
>That probably means something
>You have no idea what, but it means something
“Beg pardon?”
>“Oh! Sorry.”
>Eliza shakes her head and looks back at her work
>“Didn’t realize who I was talking to. I’m just double-checking a baseball player’s statistics before the game tonight.”
>She didn’t realize she was speaking to the only alicorn on the planet?
>Given what’s probably on her mind, that’s hard to believe
“Oh, right. Jake told me you liked baseball.”
>She doesn’t reply
“Um… yeah.”


>Still nothing from her
>Small-talk is going nowhere
>Leaving would be rude, and no-talk is too uncomfortable
>Time for some big-talk
“I… I’m sorry.”
>“About what?”
>There we go
“About everything. Spike and I have been such a burden, and that trip onto the roof might get us all killed. I mean-”
>She wearily cuts off your apology
>“Was Jake talking to you recently?”
“Wha- Yes! Just before you got home. My brother convinced him to scare the living daylights out of me by coming into the basement dressed like a soldier and waving a fake gun around.”
>In response, Eliza puts one elbow on the table and uses the same arm’s hand to cover her eyes
>She sits like this for nearly fifteen seconds before sighing and speaking again
>“More than anything, I’m worried about him. My son, I mean.”
“You mean that he’s going to die because-”
>Eliza cuts you off again, this time with a hint of anger
>“No. Dammit, he must have talked to you about that stupid plan. It’s my fault he thought that up. I never should have told him I have a friend in Quebec. If anything is going to happen, there’s going to be a man in a suit who comes to our door and politely asks us to come with him to D.C.”


>You’re briefly unsure whether to feel encouraged by having someone who agrees with you that the plan Jake told you is crazy, or confused as to whether it’s completely unnecessary
>Confusion wins out
>Eliza takes your silence as a cue to continue
>“He talked to me on my way in. He said he wants to organize a block party at our house on the night of the fourth. He thinks that having a bunch of our neighbors around would make the soldiers think twice about attacking. It might work on the off chance we are attacked, but…”
>Not even half a second after she stops talking, you complete the thought
“…If it doesn’t, it’s just putting people in danger.”
>She sighs
>“Yeah. This isn’t like him. It’s so brutal, wanting to use our neighbors like this.”
>Eliza finally removes her hand from her face and uses it to make an open-handed gesture upwards
>“I want my son back. I want my baby boy, not this gun-building... thing that he’s become. I can’t stand guns. Don’t tell him, but I threw mine out.”
>Eliza’s seeming more and more reasonable by the moment
>You’re going to have to talk to Jon about the guns, though
>There’s a decent chance he’ll go ‘Elmer Fudd’ on the rabbits harassing his garden if he’s given the chance
“You really think this is completely unnecessary?”
>“It’s not necessary. It can’t be.”
>Okay not totally reasonable, but in her place you’d say the same thing
“I’ll try and keep him from going overboard with this.”
>“I’d really appreciate that. Thank you, Twilight.”


“What about the party? Having a lot of guests around isn’t exactly conducive to hiding Spike and I.”
>Her hand drops to the table
>“I agreed to set it up. Having the party as a deterrent makes sense as long as you stay in the basement. I don’t like it, but I don’t know what else I can do.”
>The feeling is mutual
“I can’t stand the things he’s doing either, but they’re not completely illogical. The only other ways I can think of to regain control of the situation might be even worse. Either Spike and I turn ourselves in, or we go fully public and reveal ourselves to the world.”
>Eliza squints slightly as she looks at you
>“Why would going public be worse?”
“For one thing, I’d be disregarding Celestia’s wishes. For another, I…”
>You think twice about telling her the other reason
“…actually, I’m not sure I’m in the mood to talk about the other reason. I feel like the stress is going to snap me in two.”
>You let yourself slump onto the table
“I’m having the ‘Sword of Damocles’ hung over my head. It’s even being done by a drunken person who wants a party, just like the myth. I guess he expects me to save all of the guests, too.”
>“You won’t need to.”
>Optimistic delusions got you into this situation
>Eliza’s optimism won’t get you out of it
>Not for certain, at least
“Maybe, but just the specter of it is enough for me. ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ Story of my life.”


>Glancing in Eliza’s direction again, you see her reaching toward you
>She starts stroking your back
>She’s rubbing in the wrong direction half of the time, but you don’t want it to stop
>Whatever, you may as well tell her
“Can I tell you a secret?”
>“If it will make you feel better.”
>You sit back up, cueing Eliza to take her hand off of you
“First, would you mind telling me a bit about who you are? Where you were raised, and that sort of thing?”
>“Uh… upstate New York with my mom, dad, and all of my siblings.”
“How many siblings?”
>“Two brothers and two sisters, not including myself.”
>Whoa, that’s a bunch by any sentient species’ standards
>You whistle in amazement, temporarily forgetting your own situation
“Wow. I’m guessing you had to compete for attention sometimes?”
>“Yeah.”
>You point at her with both forehooves
“Okay, that is exactly the life I wanted to have.”
>“Pardon?”
“You’re normal. The ‘Plain Jane,’ wouldn’t-get-a-second-glance kind of normal.”
>Both of your forehooves retake their place on the table


>Now the temporary nature of forgetting your situation has ended
“I’ve stuck out in a crowd for my whole life. It’s always been, ‘There’s Twilight Sparkle, testing well above her age group in school again.’ ‘There’s Twilight Sparkle, graduating high school before she’s even got a cutie mark.’ ‘There’s Twilight Sparkle, applying to the greatest magic institution in the country when she’s still a filly.’ ‘There’s Twilight Sparkle, Celestia’s new pupil.’ ‘There’s Twilight Sparkle, the Royal Guard Captain’s little sister.’ It’s like I can never be a regular person.”
>You groan in pent-up frustration
“I’m just glad Celestia’s managed to keep the whole ‘Elements of Harmony’ business relatively quiet; I know I’d never hear the end of that.”
>“Elements of Harmony?”
>Darn it again, you really did just mention that, didn’t you?
“I-it’s a long story. I don’t want to talk about it.”
>A very, very long story that you dismissed with little more than a hoof-wave and a stuttered excuse
“Frankly, I’m sick of being exceptional. I had to hide personal details from my friends just so I could seem SORT OF normal to them. I’ve just about given up on normality ever since I got my wings. Now that I’m world famous back in Equestria, I’m pretty much resigned to this fate unless Celestia does something about it.”
>“You’re tired of being in the spotlight. That’s normal. I’ve heard this from my honors’ students a dozen times before.”
>Eliza almost gets it, but not quite


“No, I’m fine with fame, especially if I can use it to accomplish something! It’s just that I don’t want hordes of people following me just to catch a glimpse of me. I went through that phase for a few days after my coronation. Everypony would point and whisper as I walked by, like I was some sort of novelty. I can’t even imagine how bad it would be if I was on television here.”
>You prop your head on the table with both forehooves
“And on top of that, my decisions could decide the fate of thousands, millions, maybe even billions of humans if we get attacked. How the hay does Celestia do it?”
>“She’s a strong woman. You can be strong too.”
“Yeah, but she’s had a more than a millennium of practice.”
>“You only need to be strong enough to not worry all the time. It won’t happen. I’m almost positive of that.”
>There’s a resounding *BuUUUrrP* from down the hall
“I need to go check what that is. Thanks for listening.”
>“It’s what I’m here for.”
>It really was good to get that load off your back
>All you can do is “cross your fingers” that this letter won’t put a new load on you


>You’re back in the living room before you know it
>Spike doesn’t notice you entering, or doesn’t acknowledge you if he did
>He’s too wrapped up in… uh…
>It looks like he’s making Banjo-Kazoo dodge snowballs being spat by a large dragon that’s swimming in a pool of ice
>What a strange game
>You prompt him to ‘pause’ his game and divert his attention to you by clearing your throat
>“Sorry, I didn’t realize you’d come back.”
>Why does he get wrapped up so much in these silly games?
>That’s a question for later
>Right now, you have business to attend to
“You got a letter just now?”
>Spike picks an unsealed scroll off of the couch and presents it to you
>“Yeah. It’s your brother’s apology.”
>It floats over to you lazily
“Thanks, Spike. I’ll let you know what it says.”
>“No need. I already skimmed it.”
>Oh, alright then
>You head down to your desk and lay it flat under a lamp
>This letter had better be good


Twilight,

I’m sorry. I truly am. It pains me to do this, but we’re talking about a military which considers guns with
a rate of fire a hundredfold faster than the Equestrian Army’s best musketeers to be slow. I can’t
pussyhoof around this and let you go back to your books like I used to. You need to learn about how
humans fight wars. I’m sorry if that was a little extreme, but you have to think about our reasoning.
You’re his family’s best chance. He’s too desperate to let you slip out of this, and I love you too much to
let you fail.

Deepest apologies,
Your brother


>Some good points, but completely misguided
>Maybe you should have been more specific in your “what was that for?” letter
>You flip the letter over
>Let’s see… your quill is always in this quadrant of the desk, but it must have gotten lost when Jake surprised you
>There it is
>You simultaneously uncork the inkpot and dip the quill’s tip inside with your magic



Shining,

I’m not upset that you’re concerned about me: quite the opposite. I’m upset that you thought that
would be necessary. I had been meaning to study human warfare simply because it’s so prevalent.
Granted, there were a lot of other things I needed or wanted to do instead of that. My mistake may –
emphasis on ‘may,’ as this isn’t definite – be endangering the good humans I’ve been living with for
months. Of course I’m going to study up now! There aren’t many other options that make sense!
Apology accepted, even though it wasn’t for the right thing.

Your little sister who still loves you, even when you’re being a bonehead,
‘Twily’



>There
>That felt good
>You needed an outlet
>Just putting it on the paper was good enough
>You could write another one that isn’t as passionate if you had the time
>Sadly, you don’t
>The ‘DVD’ of a three hour movie is on your desk and you were given less than two hours to watch it
>Then again, a postscript wouldn’t take too long

P.S. Sorry if I’m being harsh. I’ve got a lot on my mind right now. Your next apology is accepted in
advance.

>Okay, NOW the letter is finished
>You telekinetically tap the ink out of the quill and re-cork the inkpot as you head upstairs with your reply
>Spike is still playing that video game
>This time, he hears you coming
>Spike ‘pauses’ before you even prompt him to and stands up to see you over the armrest
>“If it makes you feel any better, I told Jake that was a bad idea.”


>You hover the letter into the reach of his stubby claws
“You mean barging in on me dressed like a soldier?”
>“Yup.”
>He grabs the letter and sits back down
>His crest of spines is barely visible above the armrest
“He did keep saying he thought I’d turn him into a newt…”
>Spike doesn’t reply
>You can see his crest rotating from side to side
>Something tells you that you’ve lost his attention again
“Spike.”
>“Huh?”
“I’d like less reading and more sending, please.”
>“Oh! Uh, sorry.”
>The telltale rush of air from his flame breath sounds out briefly before he continues
>“It’s just that what you wrote reminded me of something.”
>From his video game, maybe?
“Anything I should know of?”
>Spike hops into view once more
>“Not to make it seem like you’re not having problems of your own, but Shining’s got a lot on his plate right now.”
>And he didn’t write to tell you?
>You’ve barely heard a peep out of your brother since last week
>Reading your confusion even faster than your letter, Spike answers the questions he raised
>“He did write to you. I, uh… I sent it back. You were having a bad time and I didn’t want it to get worse.”
>Spike is rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding eye contact


>Well, his heart was in the right place
“I don’t hold it against you.”
>“Oh, good!”
>His claws drop back to his sides as he regains the confidence to look you in the eye
>“I tried to think of what you’d do. Like, if Rarity sent you some bad news and I wasn’t in the mood to deal with it.”
>He points an accusatory claw your way
>“…You haven’t been sneaking her letters by me somehow, have you?”
“I haven’t cast a transpository enchantment since-”
>Actually, yes you have
>Spike lets you know he’s well aware of that by pantomiming a zipper closing over his mouth


“-a transpository enchantment for matter with significant mass since last year. Even if I had, you’d still be belching out flames every time I got a letter.”
>“Okay. I just haven’t heard from her in a while. I’m starting to get worried.”
“It’s probably just the order of coats she agreed to make. So, what did the letter you sent back to Shining Armor say?”
>“He was just complaining about how he’s overworked. There’s some green unicorn mare begging to get into the castle. She says she’s friends with the candymaker who got commissioned with Pinkie, but it’s pretty clear she just wants the inside scoop on humans.”
“That actually doesn’t sound so bad.”
>“It’s worse in context.” 
>Spike starts counting off the points on his claws
>“Pinkie and the vanara are still on his nerves, and even though the guards keep finding changelings which are higher and higher in a hive’s authority structure, Celestia had him send almost a third of his guys to the Crystal Empire to look for somepony called Su-” 
>He cuts himself off abruptly
>Just as abruptly, he turns off to the side and reaches out in the direction he’s looking
>There’s a small *Urrp* and burst of green flame as a well-used piece of paper shoots into his waiting claw
>He holds it out to you so you can take it with your magic
>You oblige
>It’s the same scroll you sent a moment ago
>There’s a new message in fresh ink just below the one you wrote


I guess I didn’t think that through. I’m so worried about you that I can barely think straight, but I can’t
come rescue you. Time will tell if this was actually worth studying. Until then, thank you for doing this
for me.

Apologies again,
Your brother, again


>Okay, good
>Shining didn’t take it personally
>It probably helped that you gave him the answer he wanted
>“That letter tasted familiar.”
“Shining recycled the paper just like I did. Given the speed of the reply, I’m guessing he did it just to get his re-apology thank you note to me faster.”
>You tuck said letter away under a wing
“So, who was it that Celestia ordered the guard to look for?”
>“Sunset Shimmer.”
>Her?
>That can’t be right
“You’re certain that was the name in the letter?”
>“Yep.”
“Completely certain?”
>“I used some of the memorization techniques you taught me. Even if it I got it wrong, I know it was something that started with ‘SS’ and rhymes with ‘what’s for dinner?’”
>Not bad
>He actually used mnemonics like you taught him to
>It just figures that one of them has something to do with food and the other has bad connotations


>Regardless, this is a troubling piece of news
>“Something wrong, Twilight?”
>Once again, he’s read your expressions
“You made the unfortunate choice to use ‘SS’ as a mnemonic device, and Sunset Shimmer’s not supposed to be around anymore.”
>“What’s so bad about ‘SS?’”
“I’ll tell you when you’re old enough to understand. Sunset Shimmer, though… I thought she was a hermit out in the wilderness, or something. No-one’s heard from her in over a decade.”
>Spike squints at you
>“So… she’s like Zecora?”
“Nothing like Zecora. Sunset Shimmer was the student Celestia had before me.”
>His squint almost completely reverses itself
>“Wait, what? What happened to her? Why would she be a hermit and not Celestia’s student?”
“I don’t know. Celestia told me a bit about her once. All she said was that there was some sort of falling-out between the two of them after Sunset Shimmer started disobeying rules Celestia set for her. Sunset Shimmer ran away after that, never to be seen again.”
>“Why didn’t I know about this if you heard it straight from Celestia?”
“You would have been too young to remember it. It seemed like a touchy subject for her, so I’ve never asked her about it since then. All the research I did independently gave even less information than I got from Celestia. Sunset is practically a ghost.”


>“But now she’s back.”
“Possibly. I don’t know what that might mean, but something tells me it won’t be good.”
>Spike strokes his chin, but doesn’t break eye contact
>“I dunno. She might just be coming back to make nice with Celestia aga- *UUUURRRRRpppp*”
>He barely manages to tilt his head back in time
>You shut your eyes and duck away from the wave of heat blasting out of the flames above you
>Once the roar of the fire stops, you open an eye
>Spike is leaning over the arm rest with a bashful expression on his face
>“Uh… excuse me.”
>His eyes dart off to the side for a moment
>You follow his line of sight as you stand up again
>…straight to a scroll with a royal seal, sitting on the floor
>Ooh, this is probably important!
“You’re very excused! Let’s see what Celestia has to say.”
>Magic envelops the letter as you turn parallel to the couch, levitating the scroll into a position where Spike can read it with you


My faithful student,

I read over your brother’s letter before sending it. I’m glad to hear that you see the prudence of
cooperating with Jake Addams. However, you are to refrain from sending reports or referring to your
progress in the studies of human warfare whenever possible. Shining Armor is already under orders to
keep all letters that provide information on this topic under lock and key. I’m sure you understand why.

I have the utmost confidence in you. You’ve been in life-threatening situations with alarming frequency.
I should hope the strange magical properties of Earth will not be a significant hindrance to a magician of
your caliber in this one. I don’t expect a report on these properties, but I would accept one.

Best wishes,
Princess Celestia


>Oh
>Celestia’s starting to get impatient
>She doesn’t expect a report, but clearly she wants one
>“Y’know, she has a point.”
>Spike is staring at you instead of the letter
>You meet his gaze
>“I mean, there was that one time with the hydra, and that other time with the dragon, and then the other time with the bunch of younger dragons, and Shining’s wedding, and the Crystal Heart, and all the times with the Elements of-”
>Elements of Harmony, which you’d rather he not go into detail about
“I get the point. You’re forgetting the time with the cockatrice, however.”
>“That one doesn’t count. You said yourself that he caught you off guard.”
>Darn it, Spike probably told Jake about all your dangerous escapades except that one
“Yeah, maybe. I’m still not the right mare for the job.”
>Spike jabs a claw in your general direction
>“Yes you are. You’ve been on dangerous adventures at least three times a year for the last few years.”
“Not one like this. This could be war.”



#IRCAddamsLocal
Server time 6/10/2013, 12:08

12:08:32@ElizaLaptop: Have you already had lunch?
12:08:33@Basement: No, why?
12:08:50@Elizalaptop: I was going to make a fruit smoothie to have with mine. Do you want one?
12:08:54@Basement: No thanks. I think it’s best if I skip lunch today.
12:09:04@ElizaLaptop: Is something wrong?
12:09:06@Basement: No, it’s just Jake is having me watch ‘Gladiator’ without him. It’s not very conducive to keeping a meal in my stomach.
12:09:16@ElizaLaptop: You could just stop watching it.
12:09:18@Basement: I could, but he probably thinks I won’t watch this movie voluntarily. Proving him wrong might make him less irrational.
12:09:32@ElizaLaptop: I hope it works. It sounds like it could backfire.
12:09:49@ElizaLaptop: I’ll make another smoothie for you and leave it in the fridge.
12:09:51@Basement: Thanks.
14:07:11@Basement: Where are Jon and Jake? Shouldn’t they be back by now?
14:07:53@ElizaLaptop: I don’t know.
14:07:54@Basement: I’m worried. Jake said it would only take about two hours.
14:08:14@ElizaLaptop: I’ll call them up and see how long it should be until they’re done.
14:08:18@Basement: Oh yeah. I forgot you could do that.


14:08:52@Basement: Nevermind. They’re fine.
14:09:41@ElizaLaptop: I was about to tell you that.
14:09:45@Basement: I heard you talking on the phone. You wouldn’t be talking to them if they weren’t okay, right?
14:09:55@ElizaLaptop: They should be back in about half an hour.
14:10:03@Basement: Of course. I’m kind of distracted by the movie right now. They keep talking about missing their home and such.
14:44:12@JonNetbook has signed on
14:44:13@Basement: Is that a new computer?
14:44:38@JonNetbook: No, I’ve had it for a while. I don’t usually use it unless I’m traveling, though.
14:44:39@Basement: Ah. Where’s Jake?
14:44:42@Basement: Why do I hear the car leaving again?
14:45:00@JonNetbook: He’s going to MicroCenter to get my desktop repaired.
14:45:02@Basement: Darn it. I need to talk to him.
14:45:27@JonNetbook: Is this about that -.-. .-. .- --.. -.-- / .--. .-.. .- -. ..--..
14:45:30@Basement: I already told him I thought it was crazy. You don’t need to use Morse code. I want to talk to him about why I don’t like his “plan.”
14:45:43@JonNetbook: He thinks we’re the ‘perfect team’ or something like that.
14:45:58@JonNetbook: Just because I’m fluent in French and I used a .22 training rifle once back when I was an Eagle Scout doesn’t mean I’m ready for this. I couldn’t use those skills this way even if I wanted to!


14:45:59@Basement: I know the feeling.
14:46:13@JonNetbook: I can only imagine how bad it was for you. I saw him going downstairs dressed like a soldier.
14:46:15 @Basement: You don’t need to imagine. He spooked me, goaded me into punching him in the mouth, and then thanked me when I did. I’m not sure whether I knocked something loose or it was loose to begin with.
14:51:26@JonNetbook: .. - / .-- .- ... / .-.. --- --- ... . .-.-.- / .-- .... . -. / .--- .- .- / .-- .- ... / ...- . .-. -.-- / -.-- --- ..- -. --. / .-- . / .-- . -. - / - --- / .--. .-.. .- -.-- --. -. -.. .-.-.- / .--- .- .- / .... .- -.. / -- . / .-. .. -.. . / .-. --- -.-. -.- .. -. --. / .... --- .-. ... . / - .... . .-. . .-.-.- / .-- .- ... / - --- --- / ... -- .- .-.. .-.. .-.-.- / ..-. . .-.. .-.. / --- ..-. ..-. / .- -. -.. / ... -.-. .-. .- .--. . -.. / -- -.-- / ..-. --- .-. . .... . .- -.. .-.-.- / .. -. -.-. .-. . -.. .. -... .-.. -.-- / .--. .- .. -. ..-. ..- .-.. .-.-.- / -... -.-


14:57:26@JonNetbook: .... .- -.. / - --- / ... .--. . -. -.. / .-- .... --- .-.. . / -.. .- -.-- / --. . - - .. -. --. / -.. .. .-. - / --- ..- - / --- ..-. / ... -.- .. -. / .-- .. -.. / .-. ..- -... -... .. -. --. / .- .-.. -.-. --- .... --- .-.. .-.-.- / .--- .- .- / .... .- -.. / -... . . -. / .-- .- - -.-. .... .. -. --. / - --- -- / . ... / .--- . .-. .-. -.-- / - --- --- -. ... / . .- .-. .-.. .. . .-. --..-- / .-.. .- ..- --. .... . -.. / .- - / -- . / .-- .... . -. / .. / ..-. . .-.. .-.. .-.-.- / --. --- - / ... --- / .- -. --. .-. -.-- / - .... .- - / .. / .... .. - / .... .. -- .-.-.- / -... .-.. .- -- . / -- -.-- ... . .-.. ..-. / ..-. --- .-. / .... .. -- / - ..- .-. -. .. -. --. / --- ..- - / - .... .. ... / .-- .- -.-- .-.-.- / -.-
14:59:37@Basement: ..- / .... .. - / .... .. -- ..--.. / -… -.-
15:00: 25@Basement: ..- -. ... ..- .-. . / .. ..-. / .. / ... .... --- ..- .-.. -.. / ... -.-- -- .--. .- - .... .. --.. . / .-- .. - .... /..- / --- .-. / .... .. -- .-.-.- / -.-
15:03:11@JonNetbook: ..- .--. / ..--- / ..- .-.-.- / ..-. -... / .. ..-. / ..- / .--. .. -.-. -.- / .--- .- .- .-.-.- / -... - ..-
15:04:40@Basement: .. .----. -.. / -... . / -- .- -.. / - --- --- --..-- / .--- ..- ... - / .-- .. ... .... / ..- / ... .... --- .-- . -.. / -- --- .-. . / .-. . ... - .-. .- .. -. - .-.-.- / -. --- / .--. --- .. -. - / -.. .-- . .-.. .-.. .. -. --. / --- -. / .. - .-.-.- / -.-


15:04:42@Basement: Was this the only time this happened?
15:04:51@JonNetbook: Yes. I blame the cartoons just as much as myself.
15:04:53@Basement: I think I won’t let Spike watch any Looney Tunes, then. His videogame is enough of a bad influence.
15:30:04@Basement: Well, I managed to finish Gladiator. I don’t understand the climax.
15:31:01@ElizaLaptop: What happened? I don’t think I’ve seen that one before.
15:31:05@Basement: The falsely disgraced general-turned-gladiator kills the Caesar in a one on one arena fight. For one thing, the Caesar was real but his death was fictionalized in the movie. For another, the general is wearing black and the emperor is wearing white. The one in white is always supposed to win.
15:31:10@Basement: Also, the hallucinations made it hard to keep track of what was going on. Was he poisoned or was it just blood loss? Was he supposed to be getting glimpses of his afterlife? Was it a flashback to his home? I don’t understand. I get that he wanted nothing more than to go home this whole time. It was easier than I expected to sympathize with him, but darn if I don’t have a lot of questions.
15:31:15@Basement: Actually, that reminds me of a question I think you can answer. I figure I’d better ask it while I have the chance. Why do faiths tend to assume there is no afterlife except the one in their specific religion’s texts? How can anyone know which is the real one, if any? What if more than one is real?


15:31:32@Basement: If there are multiple afterlives, then what happens to a soul? Most religions prohibit worship in separate religions. Even if someone is totally pious to one faith, they’re still a heretic in hundreds of others. Does a soul get split into pieces so it can go to all the appropriate afterlives? What is a soul to begin with?
15:31:49@ElizaLaptop: I have no idea.
15:31:52@Basement: Neither do I. I’m not sure there was enough thought put into most of these religions. Buddhism is the only one I know of that doesn’t fall into this logic trap.
15:32:11@ElizaLaptop: I don’t think that afterlives are the driving purpose of religions.
15:32:13@Basement: They certainly seem to be the central focus of most of them. Again, sorry if I’m saying something offensive. I just don’t understand this cultural phenomenon.
15:32:56@ElizaLaptop: Maybe it’s because you’re used to seeing miraculous things happen, like your own magic. Could we talk about this later? I’ve had a long day.
15:33:00@Basement: I hadn’t considered humanity’s lack of magic as the reason it might be such a big deal to your species. Sorry if I was bothering you.
15:33:16@ElizaLaptop: You weren’t. I like answering your questions. I’m just too tired to answer more of them right now.
16:04:48@JakeDesktop has signed on


16:04:58@JakeDesktop: Is there a reason I can’t open the basement door?
16:05:00@Basement: Magic.
16:05:18@JakeDesktop: You don’t say. I got some things that you might want to open up for.
16:05:19@Basement: Such as?
16:05:43@JakeDesktop: I got some 2gb RAM sticks and a graphics card for your computer. They’re yours if you can prove you watched at least part of Gladiator.
16:05:42@Basement: I was going to say I forgive you, but now it’s going to sound disingenuous.
16:05:50@JakeDesktop: You were?
16:05:51@Basement: On one condition: never scare me like that again. Regardless of what you were trying to do, that was completely unnecessary.
16:06:01@JakeDesktop: Wasn’t planning on it.
16:06:03@Basement: One moment. I’m writing a synopsis.


16:06:27@Basement: Maximus, a fictional general of the Roman Empire, is leading a campaign against Germanic barbarians. Prior to the opening battle of the film, he rubs dirt on his hands and gives his subordinates a speech about how they will either go home or go to Elysium. One of the barbarians shouts something about hounds, I think, and another keeps attacking even though he’s on fire. After the battle and a sacrifice to the gods, Maximus is framed for the murder of Caesar Marcus Aurelius. The Caesar’s son, Commodus, wanted to secure his ascension to the throne by eliminating the person his father was going to nominate and force succession at the same time. Maximus escapes his execution and flees to his home in Spain, where he finds his family slaughtered by forces loyal to Commodus. As a side note, Maximus’ son’s death is ironically by being trampled by a horse. He said his son was teased by wild ponies and wanted to be one. I personally thought that was weird. The general collapses and wakes up to find he’s been captured by slavers. He’s transported to Zucchabar, where he is sold along with a Namibian to a professional slaver named Proximo.
16:06:28@Basement: Shall I continue?
16:07:13@JakeDesktop: Tell me at least three details about what happens in Zucchabar.


16:07:20@Basement: Maximus rubs off his “SPQR” tattoo as a symbolic gesture, he decapitates a gladiator wearing a helmet shaped like a boar’s head using a pair of swords, I felt like vomiting several times, and one of the gladiators in the initial arena fight wets himself in a scene which reminded me of the boats in the beginning of Saving Private Ryan. I feel very emotionally drained and confused.
16:07:46@JakeDesktop: Good. I’ll install the new components for you. What are you confused about?
16:07:47@Basement: What happens to Juba and the other slaves at the end?
16:07:56@JakeDesktop: Juba? As in The Baghdad Snipers? This movie’s from years before that.
16:07:57@Basement: I don’t know who you’re talking about. Juba is the Namibian.
16:08:14@JakeDesktop: When do they say his name?
16:08:15@Basement: Wait, did you make me watch the movie before you did?
16:08:39@JakeDesktop: I watched up until the part where Proximo talks about how he met Marcus Aurelius. I’ll see the rest later.
16:08:40@Basement: We could have watched it together!
16:08:51@JakeDesktop: Sorry.
16:08:52@Basement: You’re forgiven, but dang it, Jake. I thought we were going to watch all the movies together.
16:08:58@Basement: Oh, and I did some measurements on that bolt I accidentally threw at you. It wasn’t going supersonic. It just hit the post very loudly. Your ears would still be ringing if I’d somehow managed to throw it that fast.


16:09:23@Basement: Your jacket is still down here, by the way.
16:09:28@JakeDesktop: Keep it.
16:09:30@Basement: Do I get to keep it if we don’t ever have to use it as camouflage? Would it even make a difference if and when I do need it? This plan of yours is far-fetched, to put it lightly.
16:09:41@JakeDesktop: You’re on our side. It’s not a lost cause so long as you don’t give up on us.
16:09:45@Basement: It’s still ridiculous. We’re outnumbered, outgunned, and we’d be walking for an absurdly long time. I also did some research on Canada’s current Prime Minister. There’s a decent chance he’d just extradite us.
16:09:56@JakeDesktop: That’s why we’re going to Quebec and not Ontario. The Quebecois might not cooperate with him.
16:09:57@Basement: I still think this plan is the dumbest thing I’ve ever agreed to go along with.
16:10:06@JakeDesktop: You still agreed to it.
16:10:10@Basement: Because I was panicked, Celestia approved of it for some reason, and the alternatives aren’t appealing either. The Princess must not have been making an informed decision if she gave you her blessing.
16:10:24@JakeDesktop: Celestia was even more hesitant to go along with this than you were. She wouldn’t say yes until I’d made a huge flowchart of every decision we’d make.
16:10:25@Basement: I’m not surprised by that.
16:10:37@JakeDesktop: I’ll print out a copy for you.
16:10:38@Basement: Slide it under the door once it’s ready.


16:14:02@Basement: A lot of these branches are marked “If we’re lucky,” especially the numerous ones which involve me. Is this what it’s coming down to? Luck?
16:14:14@JakeDesktop: At least partly. The US DoD has flaws we can exploit to improve our chances.
16:14:02@Basement: Such as?
16:14:38@JakeDesktop: Don’t even get me started. Most of its forces are overseas, its personnel are above average at best and literally retarded at worst, and it’s been plagued by price-gouging suppliers and horribly expensive R&D projects that barely accomplish their goals or get scrapped entirely.
16:14:39@Basement: What’s your evidence?
16:15:27@JakeDesktop: F35, F22, V22, the Stryker vehicles, LCS, OICW, EFV, the various phases of FCS/Land Warrior/Nett Warrior/just buy smartphones for them... that’s just off the top of my head. I could write a thesis on how few of its goals the US military has met in the last 25 years. Their ‘invention of the year’ for 2012 was a few no-brainer modifications to a gun they’ve used since WW1.
16:15:28@Basement: Am I expected to know what those are?
16:15:42@JakeDesktop: Not yet. That’s just a laundry list. Look up ACU pattern camouflage. You should be able to understand that one.


16:16:21@JakeDesktop: The Government Accountability Office’s best guess for why that pattern replaced the old one is ‘because we thought it looked cool.’ The US military’s top brass is so wrapped up in its own hubris and ham-fisted PR campaigns that I almost feel bad laughing at them.
16:16:34@Basement: That camouflage pattern is mediocre, but my point stands.
16:16:59@JakeDesktop: A goddamn contractor just perpetrated the biggest intelligence leak in the nation’s history. Don’t get me wrong, they’re not incompetent, but they can be pretty stupid in some predictable ways.
16:17:03@Basement: Still not convinced.
16:17:10@JakeDesktop: You’re being such a pessimist right now.
16:17:12@Basement: Truer words are seldom spoken; there’s a lot to be pessimistic about.
16:17:40@JakeDesktop: That’s not a bad thing. We need to think of how things might go wrong, and how we’ll keep that from happening or mitigate the effects.
16:17:45@Basement: All right then, let’s put my pessimism to use. I’m not clear on some of the things at the beginning of this flowchart. What happens if the block party doesn’t work as a deterrent and we get raided?
16:18:11@JakeDesktop: The only way I see it failing is if they wait until all the guests have left. Then it’s just a case of making enough noise to wake the neighbors up again, and they fail at having a witnessless disappearance.
16:18:12@Basement: And if it’s during the party?


16:18:49@JakeDesktop: Save who we can, which shouldn’t be too hard. I doubt they’d use lethal force on a huge group of civilians. Even the most deniable of black ops don’t go that black. People who are psychopathic enough to do that AND have the discipline required by military life aren’t exactly common. They simply wouldn’t have enough people to pull it off.
16:18:50@Basement: I’m not sure about that. Human weapons are very lethal.
16:19:02@JakeDesktop: Do you know exactly how lethal?
16:19:05@Basement: Not yet.
16:19:11@JakeDesktop: Do you know the difference between a magazine and a clip?
16:19:16@Basement: A clip is a small, inflexible piece of metal that serves no mechanical purpose other than to hold cartridges together prior to loading into a magazine or other loading device. A magazine is a box-like container for cartridges which uses a spring and follower plate to push cartridges one by one into the firing mechanism of a gun. Magazines may be integral to or detachable from their host weapon.
16:19:29@JakeDesktop: Is that the only thing you looked up?
16:19:30@Basement: That movie took up most of my afternoon.
16:19:37@JakeDesktop: What about the commanding rule of threes? Do you know that?
16:19:39@Basement: Can’t say that I know yet.
16:19:46@JakeDesktop: Seriously? Your brother follows that rule with his lieutenants.
16:19:47@Basement: I never really discuss his work with him.


16:20:01@JakeDesktop: It’s worse than I thought. You need a full-immersion course in war. Combat 101, lesson one: not freaking out when people get hurt, because that’s pretty common in war. We’re already partway through this lesson, but here’s an old Red Cross training film that’s not makeup and special effects. http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=d11_1280687545
16:21:12@JakeDesktop: Watching the video? Good. The only way to get used to it is through exposure. Just try not to research this subject too much each day. If we haven’t attracted surveillance already, I don’t want to risk attracting any. We need to make it look as if everything is normal.
16:21:23@Basement: I can only handle so much of this per day. I think I’m well past my limit by now, and I’d prefer not having to skip dinner.
16:21:40@JakeDesktop: I won’t make you keep going if you don’t want to right now.
16:21:42@Basement: Thank you.
16:21:58@JakeDesktop: You should still need to build up a tolerance for this stuff. BestGore.com might be better than the movies and stuff if video is too much for you.


16:22:03@Basement: Maybe later. Right now I just want to listen to The Beatles and unwind.
16:22:12@JonNetbook: I’ve got some old LPs of theirs lying around. I could digitize them for you if you’d like.
16:22:14@Basement: Ooh, yes please! It would save me so much time compared to searching for their songs by title. Actually, that reminds me. What is ‘I am the Walrus’ about? I just listened to it again and I still don’t get it.
16:22:39@JonNetbook: They wanted to poke fun at the “Paul Is Dead” theorists who looked too deeply into their songs. Listen closely and you’ll hear that they sampled a BBC broadcast of King Lear simply because it was on the radio when they were recording.
16:22:41@Basement: “O untimely death!” Act IV, scene VI. I didn’t catch that the first time through. Thanks.
16:22:43@JakeDesktop: I’ve got something else for you, too. I think you might like it.
16:22:44@Basement: What is it?
16:22:51@JakeDesktop: Hold on, let me write it down and slip it to you.
16:23:21@JakeDesktop: That’s my old Minecraft.net login info. I don’t play it much anymore, so you can have it.


16:23:38@Basement: From what I can gather, this is some sort of video game. Thanks but no thanks.
16:23:41@JakeDesktop: Why?
16:23:42@Basement: Even the children’s’ video games are about destruction. I’m not interested.
16:24:05@JakeDesktop: That’s exactly the opposite of the point of this game. It’s about building stuff.
16:24:08@Basement: It is?
16:24:42@JakeDesktop: It generates a voxel-based world based on whatever text you feed it. Try using your name for a super-personalized experience. Once the world generates, you can mine and craft ad nauseum. I personally recommend you play ‘survival’ mode.
16:24:44@Basement: Maybe when I’m exceptionally bored.
16:24:55@JakeDesktop: If you’re feeling stressed, try loading it up so you can burn down a forest and replant it.
16:25:10@Basement: Okay then.
16:25:28@JakeDesktop: Combat 102: morale is important. Whichever side of a conflict believes it will lose is correct, regardless of the facts.
16:30:01@ElizaLaptop: Jakob Aleksandir Addams, why do you know these things? That ‘best gore’ website is one of the sleaziest things I’ve ever seen!
16:30:17@JakeDesktop: We’re all adults here. The world is harsh and I want to be ready for the worst it can throw at me, especially if it might be thrown at me soon.
16:30:29@ElizaLaptop: Just get in the kitchen. We need to talk.
16:30:31@Basement: Eliza, Jake, please don’t argue! You both want to help me and you’re both in the right. You’re just trying to help in different ways.



(Author's note: Goddamn, that took way longer than it was supposed to.)(and another note: WELP. The PiE threads had to merge with AiE due to lack of activity, which was partially due to my horribly infrequent updates. They're now a part of the AiE threads. Follow those for updates.)(Note again: Nevermind, PiE is back.)



Part 9

>Friday, June 14, 2013, a little after 11pm
>Year 22 and ‘Defense Condition 4’ on Earth
>You are Jake Addams
>Things were only beginning to get crazy when Twilight started demanding ear-scratchies, bellyrubs, hugs, and whatever else those may be leading to
>The stunt you pulled at Shining Armor’s suggestion doesn’t seem to have deterred her one bit
>You’re going through a bit of a rough patch, but she never stops coming to you for those
>Getting back into doing magic testing with her might help, but she refuses every time you suggest it
>Speaking of Shining, he’s still a massive nerd
>The guy’s eating up pretty much whatever you send him about humanity and warfare
>Not to mention the stuff about tabletop games
>An MLP comic about his nerdy teen years which was announced just after you learned firsthand that he’s a massive nerd
>Which one caused the other?
>Do they have anything to do with eachother at all?
>If they do, you might be able to find a way to update the web filter for stuff from season 4 before it airs
>If anyone cares about season 4
>The fandom may well be collapsing for real this time
>Flash Sentry is the true name of ‘Brad,’ and he exists on both sides of the Equestria Girls portal
>The name is from leaks posted on /mlp/, but a pony that looks just like him was shown in the most recent trailer
>He’s all but confirmed to have a romantic relationship with Twilight
>The movie itself hits theaters tomorrow


>That would be in addition to the people forswearing MLP after the underwhelming third season and its controversial finale
>And in addition to that, the janitors of /mlp/ took Lauren Faust’s visit as a cue to clean up the supposedly worksafe board
>Posting about fan character Milky Way, the Milkmare of Trottingham, was named specifically as something which would be banned on sight
>No crotchboobs, no butts, and no fluffy pony abuse threads
>Good riddance to those obnoxious fluffy ponies, but everything else?
>This is gutting a cultural center of the fandom at the worst possible time
>To be fair, Milky Way’s essentially a pair of tits slapped onto a pony in the anatomically correct location and butts will always be butts
>On the polar opposite side of the fandom, Equestria Daily is going through a controversy after it published an article about the new phenomenon of half-human ‘satyr’ OCs
>It got flamed by people who hate the mythological concept of satyrs as rape-beasts the moment it was posted
>Completely regardless of the fact that none of the pony-satyrs have been portrayed doing that sort of thing
>So yeah, they “Love and Tolerate” the satyrs
>That saying may have started as a joke, but those were supposed to be the people who take it seriously
>Equestria Girls’ impending release is driving everyone mad


>Even the artists aren’t exempt from that
>Derpibooru’s nearing 100 images that are tagged ‘Rarity fighting a giant crab’
>That’s exactly what it sounds like
>There’s also a new OC, Wheely Bopper, which is a Rainbow Dash recolor with wheels instead of legs
>Honk honk
>Meanwhile at E3, everyone had a decent show
>Almost everyone
>Nintendo put out another Animal Crossing game, declared this to be the Year of Luigi, and announced a new Smash Bros. with Megaman, the Wii Fit trainer, Samus in high heels, and Animal Crossing villager confirmed for playable characters
>That little villager fuck looks like a psycho
>EA demoed the next Battlefield game and announced they’re digging the Star Wars: Battlefront franchise out of its early grave
>All of the yes in the world is not enough for that announcement
>Ubisoft’s hyping up a new Assassin’s Creed game with pirates and showed gameplay of some new open world hacking/driving/shooting IP
>Might be cool
>Sony didn’t have much to show now that Metal Gear Solid 5 isn’t a system exclusive
>There’s the new Playstation, sure, but taking David Hayter out of the role of Solid Snake is like someone other than Michael Ironside playing the voice of Sam Fisher or an Arkham game without Kevin Conroy as Batman (which are also things that are happening)


>Sony still had a better show than Microsoft
>Microsoft is STILL trying to do damage control from the Xbox One announcement this spring
>Another Halo by a non-Bungie studio and ‘Call of Duty: Now with Playable Dogs’ edition didn’t make their draconian DRM, Kinect-mandatory console/CCTV system any more appealing
>Oh, and the NSA was monitoring EVERYTHING, so there’s no knowing if you’ve already compromised yourself without Twilight’s help
>There is one upside to that
>If you do get attacked, and escape to Canada safely, and Equestria Girls turns out to be the straw which breaks the fandom’s back, then there will be a lot less people who care that she’s flirting with you
>Every dark cloud has a silver lining
>Can’t act like anything is off if you’re going to seem normal to the casual observer
>The NSA is a casual observer, as far as you’re concerned
>They either know or they don’t, and if you act like you know that they know then they’ll definitely know
>Going out and buying some actual guns for the first time in your life would be way too suspicious
>What you’re stuck with is ‘take slambangs, go inna woods’
>Simonovs or Mosin-Nagants would have been more appropriate
>Getting a license and buying a gun for yourself, one for your dad, and one for your mother would have drawn attention for sure


>That’s not to mention the price
>You’ve already bought something like 300 dollars’ worth of computer equipment for Twilight
>It would cost AT LEAST three times as much as that to get moist nuggets for everyone
>Besides, there’s a run on ammunition
>All the apocalypse preppers are replenishing their stocks for World War III… again
>Granted, you might be sitting on the couch with reason it happens
>Twilight is right: if you get attacked, and you have to run off to Canada, and you elude the manhunt well enough to get Twilight across the border, and you’re not extradited, then there is a chance that the politics surrounding the whole event would be pretty tense
>Snowden’s untouchable because he’s in China
>The US government knows what would happen if they agitate another superpower
>There are hundreds of analysts debating whether China’s new naval doctrines and anti-ship missiles would make America’s Nimitz carrier groups ineffective
>You, on the other hand, have Canada
>Nobody pays attention to Canada unless they riot over losing the Stanley Cup to the Boston Bruins
>Here’s how you think it would go
>The Canadians would either start wearing those “Roots” Canadian flag shirts and push back or hold open the door for the US and apologize repeatedly
>It could go either way


>Both outcomes would be the same
>You’re tried for treason and Twilight ends up doing tests all day, possibly against her will, and might get separated from Spike
>That presumes that the US has the stones to attack innocent little Canada in the first place
>If the US government were so desperate to get their hands on Twilight that they’d launch a military operation on their own soil and then invade their next-door neighbor/close ally, then holy shit do they deserve what happens next
>Obama is too intelligent a man to let that happen
>He’d be forced to negotiate, and by then there would be so much media attention that he’d have to act like a saint
>The only disadvantage you have in this situation is that you’d have to spring the big secret on Twilight after teaching her how to kill everything
>That might go badly, but there’s a mitigating factor to that as well
>By the time you’ve taught her how to kill everything, she’ll have the mental resilience to take it
>Or at least that’s the plan
>You wanted to take Twilight’s war-ginity with something she might like, but the hell with that
>What you want and what you need are two different things
>You want to see her smile again
>You need to get her ready for the worst outcome to her little escapade


>To her credit, she’s actually going along with it
>Not entirely willingly
>Not entirely unwillingly, either
>She protests whenever she gets the chance and hasn’t done anything more than look up what different things are called, but she’s taking the initiative in a few places
>“Jon was right. This movie is just silly.”
>You turn your head to the right
>The TV screen is barely illuminating the living room
>Twilight is only just visible on the couch next to you
“In what sense?”
>“In that as soon as I think about any of it, I can’t suspend my disbelief anymore. Especially The Force, which is beyond hokey. Is Luke supposed to be hearing Obi Wan’s ghost talk to him?”
“Pretty much.”
>Twilight shoots you a sideways glance of incredulousness
>She holds it for a split second, then slumps back into her seat
>“And here I was thinking there wouldn’t be anything sillier than humans’ concept of magic.”
>“All wings, report in.”
>She took the initiative tonight
>“Red Ten, standing by.”
>Tonight was Twilight’s turn to pick the movie
>“Red Seven, standing by.”
>She picked Star Wars
>“Red Six, standing by.”
>You had trouble convincing her to watch the episodes out of order
>“Red Three, standing by.”
>She came around when you told her it would be in the order they were released


>Twilight’s still griping about stuff that doesn’t make sense, so you’ve had to politely remind her of the genre a few times now
“You shouldn’t be taking it so seriously. Science fiction is pretty much the same as fantasy, but with fictional science.”
>“That’s only half of what bugs me. There’s plenty of stuff that could be explained within real science that doesn’t make sense.”
“Are you still trying to figure out if Tatooine could have a stable orbit?”
>“Red Eleven, standing by.”
>Twilight gags and sticks her tongue out at the memory
>“Blech. I lost that train of thought when Owen and Beru’s charred bodies were shown.”
>“Red Two, standing by.”
>She gestures toward the screen with a hoof
>“Right now I’m back to how the spacecraft are defying physics. What was pushing on them to make them turn like that?”
>“Red Five, standing by.”
“I already said I don’t know. Maybe they don’t turn the repulsors off?”
>“Well that goes back to the question of how those work, and-”
>“Lock S-Foils in attack position.”
>Twilight puts a hoof up to silence your anticipated reply and leans forward in her seat
>Whatever attention she was paying to you is now long gone


>Despite all the griping, she seems to be enjoying the movie
>The griping usually doesn’t happen until after the credits roll, when you can actually talk to her about the movie without the movie interrupting
>Of course, you’ve seen Star Wars something like five times already
>Since you wouldn’t be missing anything, Twilight is voicing her mind whenever there isn’t something important going on
>Her reactions are almost more interesting than the movie
>Usually it’s just inconsequential comments or muttering about Pinkie Pie
>Other times, it’s actually a good topic of conversation
>You actually had to pause the movie for a debate about whether Han would be morally right to shoot first
>Even the Dalai Lama quote about how it’s reasonable to shoot back if someone’s shooting at you didn’t end the debate
>Twilight wanted you to look it up for verification
>When you did, you found out it didn’t apply because the second half of the quote is that shooting to kill is a no-no, even in that situation
>With the trump card off the table, the debate dragged on another ten minutes
>Final conclusion: Han shooting first was morally reprehensible, but safer
>Vice versa for Han waiting to shoot second
>More morally acceptable, but a terrible decision overall
>For Greedo to miss at that range was more of a one-in-a-million shot than the one that’s coming a few minutes from now


>Another time you had to pause the movie was during the Death Star firing sequence
>Twilight kept asking whether the Imperials were serious, whether they would actually do it
>And then they did
>She was in shock for a whole minute before you could resume the movie
>It was better than her reaction to the end of Dr. Strangelove, at least
>She was in shock until the end of the credits on that one, then she started weeping
>You tried to calm her down and remind her it was just a movie
>Not really thinking, you reached out to put a hand on her and tried to bring her into a side-hug
>She responded by grabbing you in a bear-hug and silently cried into your chest five long, emotionally painful minutes
>You kept stroking her mane and whispering that it’s just a movie the whole time
>Eventually she acknowledged that it’s just a movie
>Back to tonight, you asked if she wanted to stop the movie for the night after the shock of Alderaan blowing up wore off
>Twilight said no, surprisingly, but she wanted to look up how many people were supposed to be on Alderaan first
>Wookiepedia claims it was 2 billion
>Then it was on with the movie
>She was totally silent up until the Millenium Falcon was brought aboard the Death Star
>Questions resumed when she asked how the Death Star could have hangars that are exposed to space 
>All was normal again until Obi-Wan died
>You could see on her face that she wanted to shout along with Luke, but she managed to restrain herself


>And returning to the present, she’s cringing every time one of the Rebel fighters gets shot down
>Strangely, she doesn’t seem to be reacting to the TIE fighters getting shot down
>You’ll have to ask about that later
>Let her watch the movie for now
>There are other things you could be doing
>You already read a bunch of the history book she gave you
>It gave some insight into how batponies came to be
>After Luna was banished to the moon, one of the city-states of the former Pegasus Empire underwent a schism
>Almost half of its residents decided they didn’t want to live under a single ruler and banished themselves to the caves of Tartarus
>Historically, Tartarus had been used as a prison
>Their logic was something along the lines of “If we’re treated like criminals for sympathizing with Luna, we’ll fit right in. Try to invade us and we’ll let out all the prisoners.”
>Pretty smart


>They moved into the caves of Tartarus, declared it independent from Equestria, and had a few powerful unicorns that came along with them alter their bodies to look like creatures of the night
>The other half of the city-state declared themselves ‘Followers of the Sun’ 
>They renamed the city-state Icaria because apparently that has some linguistic thing to do with following
>Celestia decided to let the batponies have what they want so long as they kept running the Prisons of Tartarus as intended
>Anyway, you’re not reading the book right now
>You need something else to do while the movie wraps up
>You reach into your pocket and pull out a letter you got not too long ago
>Here’s one of the things you could be doing: figuring out the tactical applications of magic
>Shining’s been alternating between making small talk and brainstorming how to make this ballsy escape plan of yours work
>You tilt the paper to catch some light from the hallway so you can read all the text crammed onto it again


	Jake,

I’m glad you asked. This is my specialty. It’s also a decent analog to the Second Siege of Jarl
Sparvvinge’s Castle, so I’m going to be taking a couple ideas straight out of Maj. Woodshield’s strategy.
I’m 99% sure that Twilight knows these spells or has books she could learn them from with her now.


Area-denial enchantments are a staple of a good siege defense. Have Twilight put friction-reducing
enchantments on anything and everything that could be used as a vantage point or infiltration route.
I also understand that you’re going to be going through a mountainous area to get to Canadia, so it
might be useful there. For flatter areas, spontaneous caltrops should be a good substitute. Be more
thoughtful where you have Twilight put these, as they’re all but impossible to cross. They’re similar in
effect to those “mine fields” you told me about or stepping on a bunch of particularly sharp invisible d4
dice. While I’m on the subject, I doubt Twilight will have a chance to see a farrier. Ask if she has any
spells to make walking more comfortable.


I’m not sure what spell would be able to punch into a human tank. Sticking to your plan of staying in the
forests and hills seems like your best bet or she’s going to use too much magic fighting the thousands of
tanks you said your country built somehow. I’m also having trouble coming up with a plan for “air planes”
and “helicopters.” I know for a fact that you can’t muster a large formation of archers and musketeers, or
whatever passes for them on Earth. The anti-air tactics I know aren’t going to be of much use to you
unless you’re in a gravel pit and Twilight is feeling very energetic. I’m sure Twilight has a spell more
efficient than a telekinetic volley or just grabbing them and pulling them out of the sky one by one, but I
don’t even know half of her repertoire.

Hope this helps,
Shining Armor


>Some good ideas, some less-good ideas
>For one thing, small arms fire against aircraft is little more than an annoyance to the ground crew who have to patch all the holes
>And that’s assuming the aircraft flies low, slow, and close enough to be hit in the first place
>For another, a thousand tanks all attacking one house is close to being logistically impossible
>Trying to get all the fuel, ammunition, maintenance equipment, and people in one spot would be a monumental effort
>The other less-good ones are probably due to the strategic omission of the party/human shield bullshit from the request for defense tips


>Also strategically omitted: any references to MLP to any pony
>That was a request straight from Celestia
>She also requested that you ‘reconsider the current defense strategy’
>You explained why it seems like the most likely thing to work, and she hasn’t bugged you since
>The human shield stuff really is bullshit
>You shouldn’t have to do this
>You don’t WANT to do this, but fuck it
>What you do want is 1: to make sure Twilight and Spike don’t die, and 2: to make sure you and your family don’t die
>It’s not your fault that human shield tactics are a historically proven way of stalling an assault
>In any case, Shining’s got the situation wrong
>“His computer’s off.”
>Taking Twilight outside to make a magical no-man's land of your yard would be infinitely more suspicious than her going outside on her own and just sitting there at two in the morning
>The top priority is to make everything seem normal
>“Luke, you’ve switched off your targeting computer! What’s wrong?!”
>“Nothing. I’m all right!”
>Oh right, there’s a movie going on
>You quietly fold up the scroll and slip it into your pocket
>Back to the pony-watching


>Twilight is quite literally on the edge of her seat
>“I’ve lost R2!”
>Not much reaction to that, though
>Sort of weird, considering R2-D2 is a main character
>“The Death Star has cleared the planet. The Death Star has cleared the planet.”
>There’s definitely some logic behind it, but it’s definitely not good guys vs. bad guys
>“Rebel base in range.”
>“You may fire when ready.”
>“Commence primary ignition.”
>Maybe it’s something to do with how she perceives droids
>There was a brief conversation early in the film that played off of the earlier one about the accidentally-purchased Native American wife in ‘The Searchers’
>Owning a person who is willing to be owned isn’t much worse than having a butler or live-in maid
>C-3P0 and R2-D2 didn’t protest or struggle, therefore they were willing to be in their current position
>Twilight shushed the conversation early 
>She didn’t want to miss the dialogue or pause, so you didn’t get an idea of how the fact that they’re robots would figure into it
>For all you know, she’s developing a grudge against computers
>She has been changing her computer habits
>It used to be the case that she kept bouncing between browsers and OSes
>You never asked her why, but she seemed to be trying to figure out which she liked best


>Over the last few days, she’s been trying to use Ubuntu instead of Windows and has completely stopped using Chrome and Internet Explorer to browse the internet
>Either it’s because she’s catching on to how her computer isn’t acting just like everyone else’s, or because she’s super-serious about the NSA not watching her
>Leaning towards the latter option
>Probably both, to an extent
>Even if she doesn’t trust her computer, that doesn’t explain her reactions to the TIE fighters
>Or to the Stormtroopers, now that you think of-
>“I have you now.”
>An extending wing whooshes past your face
>Shining Armor said something about a ‘wing blade’ technique that pegasus martial arts experts can use
>It’s pretty much what it sounds like
>“What?!”
>Even though one of them interrupted your train of thought, Twilight’s wings are probably the least dangerous part of her
>She’s barely got any coordination in the damn things, let alone the sort of finesse it’d take to use them as cutting weapons
>“YAHOO!!”
>“Look out!”
>The corners of Twilight’s open mouth are starting to turn upwards
>“You’re all clear, kid! Now let’s blow this thing and go home!”
>Luke fires his torpedoes
>Both go into the exhaust port
>Her smile only intensifies
>“Stand by.”
>It dissipates slightly as the movie cuts back to the Death Star’s control room
>“Stand by.”
>Grand Moff Tarkin strokes his chin as the music crescendos


>Boom
>There it is
>“Great shot, kid! That was one in a million!”
>That’s the smile you wanted to see this whole time
>A huge, half-laughing grin of pure joy and relief
>“Remember, The Force will be with you… always.”
>Twilight begins leaning back on the couch
>She doesn’t get very far, though
>You roll your eyes as her wings get caught on either side of the cushion behind her
>It’s like she doesn’t even realize they exist half of the time
>Now that she’s been reminded, she folds them away and leans back as she’d intended to
>You wait for her to say something, but she doesn’t
>She’s happy
>No point in interrupting that
>R2’s cursory inspection and the medal ceremony pass in silence
>The medal ceremony is particularly quiet
>You notice a look of preoccupation on her face as she watches it
>Almost like she’s not in the moment anymore
>Even the transition to the credits doesn’t snap her out of her thoughts
>…Oh right, the medal ceremony at the end of the movie inspired the final scene of the season 2 premier
>You ought to break her line of thought before she overthinks this aspect of the movie, too
“So, how about the movie?”
>No response
“Twilight?”
>Still nothing
>Maybe that was too subtle
>You lean over and turn the lights back on while saying her name again
>“Huh?”
>Her eyes flutter
>That did it


>“Sorry, I was lost in thought. What were you saying?”
“Just asking what you thought of the movie.”
>Twilight looks back at the credits scrolling by, tapping a forehoof to her chin
>She scrunches her nose in thought before turning to you again
>“…it felt rather formulaic. The characters were all clear, cookie-cutter archetypes.”
>After all that, that’s the first thing she can think of to say about this movie?
>She has to be messing with you
“What do you mean?”
>“An unsuspecting youngster is ripped from their discontented life and finds out they’re destined for greatness in the arcane arts. They befriend someone who’s headstrong, someone who can’t seem to avoid misfortune, a hirsute brute, and a Starswirl-esque mentor figure. That could be describing Harry Potter or Star Wars.”
>Okay, okay, fair point
>That doesn’t change the fact that this is Star Wars
>She continues before you get a chance to protest
>“The story is dependent on a series of increasingly unlikely occurrences, the ‘hippie mysticism’ Jon told me about regarding The Force is readily apparent, two of the main characters spoke indecipherable languages, and the science component of the ‘science fiction’ is shoddy at best. Parsecs are NOT a unit of time. I should know. I’m gigaparsecs away from where I intended to teleport to.”


>This time, she waits for your reply
“Alright, the average person has no idea what a parsec is-”
>And then immediately cuts you off
>“A parallax arc-second. 31 trillion kilometers, as calculated using a right triangle where the smallest side is one Astronomical Unit and the smallest angle is one 360th of a degree. It’s not that hard to comprehend.”
>Not a clue what that means other than ‘extremely far, possibly in a different dimension’
“-because they won’t use it in everyday life, and do you really mean to tell me you didn’t like this movie? Your reactions were saying something else entirely.”
>“Yeah, there was a lot I didn’t like. The death toll was the second highest in any movie I’ve ever seen, for one thing.”
>She ends the sentence by resting her head on a forehoof and looking away one more time
>A split second later, she uses the same forehoof to shoo away an invisible pest
>“Nevermind. It’s just a movie. That does remind me, though. I never did determine what the correct term is for planet-cide. It’s probably something like globicide or terracide, if I’m remembering the correct Allatum roots…”


>So Twilight Sparkle doesn’t like Star Wars?
>That’s bullshit
>She was enjoying herself
>You SAW her enjoying herself
“You seriously didn’t like it? I’m still having a hard time believing that.”
>Twilight makes full eye contact, furrows her brow, and smiles
>“Are you kidding? That was a great movie!”
>Wat
>“That was an emotional rollercoaster I SERIOUSLY would not mind riding again. I want to see the next one sometime. Thank you for recommending it.”
>So she does like it?
“You were nagging about it, like, the whole time. I’m getting kind of mixed messages.”
>“Let me quantify it, then. I’d rate it at just one tenth of a star below a full five-star review. Definitely worthy of being called a classic.”
>Okay then, she might actually like it
>Let’s see exactly what her opinion is just to see how genuine she’s being
“What’d you like about it?”
>“Well, the soundtrack was fantastic. I liked how they kept going back to that seven note motif. It gave the impression that it could be a symphony in its own right.”
>That’s pretty generic as far as answers go
>Agree with her at first, then surprise her
“Yeah. John Williams has something like forty separate nominations and awards for his soundtracks.”
>“If the rest of his work is just as good as this, he probably deserves them.”
“You know, they almost used disco music instead of his score for this movie.”


>Twilight blinks a few times without breaking eye contact
>“…You’re serious?”
>The only response you give her is a nod and a smug grin
>“Um… okay, that would have been an interesting choice. Granted, I haven’t heard any human disco music so I couldn’t say if it would have been a good choice or not.”
>She actually hasn’t listened to any disco as far as you know
>The Beatles have been taking up her listening time almost exclusively
>Ever since your dad digitized his old collection of records for her, she’s barely listened to anything else on the list
>“Does human disco tend to have electric instruments?”
>As is evidenced by her complete unfamiliarity with it
>Last you checked, she still had the ‘Nam era rock and country music before she gets to the disco section of the list
“Have you listened to any of it yet?”
>“I’ve been meaning to, but, uh…”
>She fidgets in her seat
>“I don’t know. I really like The Beatles. They’ve got a sound that’s sort of like The Hoofbeats sometimes – that’s an Equestrian rock band my parents listened to when I was a filly – but the electric guitar and bass really take it to a new level. Elvis was okay too, I guess, but I’d say the Beatles are better overall. I wasn’t expecting The Beatles’ sheer level of versatility.”
>Alright, understandable
>Talent scouts have been trying to find the next Beatles for decades
>If you’d stumbled across something like that, you’d probably want to give most of their songs a listen as well


>You shrug slightly and motion for her to continue
>“I’ve never been too much of a fan of disco, but I think it could be great with some new instruments.”
“To answer your question, yes. It’s usually an electric guitar and bass, a drum set, and maybe a bit of violin or brass.”
>Twilight takes a moment to think over her reply
>“… I don’t know. Handled well, I could see disco working with this movie.”
>The pony speaks blasphemy!
>You take a deep breath to calm yourself
“That’s just- no. I’m not going to subject you to a 70’s police drama to show you just how bad that would have been, but that would have absolutely ruined the lasting appeal of the movie. It would forever be associated with disco culture.”
>She leans away and puts both forehooves up in a submissive pose
>“Okay, okay. I’m just saying that if the John Williams of disco was in charge of the soundtrack...”
>Her words conjure the image of a Jew-fro’d white guy in bellbottoms and a shirt with a collar cut so low that you can see a square foot and a half of chest hair
>This Bob Ross lookalike is doing hip thrusts in time with the bow-wickety-weow of an electric bass, causing the lightsaber on his belt to swing in a way that would make Freud blush
>A shiver goes down your spine


“I don’t even want to think about it. What did you think of the director and his script?”
>“I noticed a few minor continuity errors, C-3P0 referred to itself as an aid for ‘human/cyborg relations’ when there are clearly other sapient species, and as I said, the story is dependent on some very unlikely occurrences. Still, not bad. The camera placement and cutting was good. Overall, I’d say that George Luc-”
>Twilight freezes
>You can almost hear the gears turning in her head
>“Lucas. Luke…”
>Something clicks
>“4.88 out of five for possibly self-inserting. Still, it’s a good thriller and the camerawork in the X-Wing scene was great. It reminded me a bit of the aerodrome scenes in Off the Flight Line, but including radio communications made it much more dramatic. Star Wars may actually be the better of the two.”
>That’s not a movie you’ve seen
>Come to think of it, that’s not a movie you’ve ever heard of
“Sorry, what movie are you talking about?
>“The biopic of the Wonderbolts’ weak-winged premier choreographer, Commander Easyglider. It’s pretty obscure, even in Equestria. I was trying to get a copy of it for a surprise gift to a friend, but I couldn't find it anywhere.”
“Ah. Yeah, I probably wouldn't have seen it.”


>Note to self: Easy Rider needs to be on the web filter and off the list of movies you were considering showing her
>It’s probably for the best
>You caught a bit of that movie on TV once
>The part you saw was a montage of the characters riding cross-country on a motorcycle and it stretched on forever
>Watching that after 9pm probably isn’t a good idea
>“The camera techniques used in ‘Off the Flight Line’ were pretty novel for their time, so I have to ask: what inspired the Death Star attack scene’s techniques?”
“World War 2 propaganda reels. The concept of the scene itself is vaguely similar to the low-level ‘dam buster’ bombing raids, but I can say for certain that the Millennium Falcon’s escape from the Death Star was inspired by B-17 missions.”
>Twilight’s expression drops into a tired-looking deadpan
>Ooh, maybe you should have thought before blurting that out
“Sorry. You did ask.”
>“I’m tempted to downgrade my rating of the movie because of that, but I’ll give it a pass because that’s nearly unavoidable in your culture. We’re not showing this movie to Spike. Agreed?”
>Pon is starting to get into a bad mood
>Agree with pon to de-escalate situation, but keep telling her the truth
“If that’s what you want. Just saying, there’s a lot of World War 2 in Star Wars. The Empire is a clear analogue for Nazis. I’m pretty sure the Star Wars novels even state that they’re a human-supremacist group.”


>Twilight looks away and begins to push herself off the couch
>“I’ve found Disney and Looney Tunes cartoons about fighting that war. I can’t help but be disturbed by how much of what’s on Earth is defined by war.”
>Several soft taps come from her hooves as she lands
>She turns back to you as she walks past your end of the couch
>“Can we have a serious conversation for just a moment?”
>Can’t say no
“What’s on your mind?”
>Twilight takes a seat on the floor facing you
>She opens her mouth but can’t seem to bring herself to speak
>After a moment she works up the guts to say it
>“Your plan. It’s… well, I'm worried I'll end up being defined by war. My end of it keeps getting worse by the minute.”
“How so?”
>“John and Eliza both got rid of the pipe guns you made for them. Not the ammunition, just the guns.”
>You’d figured something like that might happen
>They shut you out every time you try to teach them something about how a military functions
>It’s pretty obvious that they’re not on board, but that’s the second highest priority to making everything look normal
>“They’re so convinced it won’t happen, but I’m not sure, and now I’m going to have to protect them even more if it does.”
>Bad news, but you can deal with that
>You lean back and cross your arms
“That just means we’re more likely to take supplies from a National Guard armory on the first night.”


>Twilight squints at you with a hint of worry in her eyes
>“That wasn’t really elaborated upon in your flowchart. What does ‘taking’ supplies entail?”
“NVGs and loads of batteries, some real guns, and load-bearing gear.”
>She rears back and shrugs her forelegs
>“No. I mean what’s the actual plan for that?”
>And therein lies another layer of bullshit
>Celestia wanted to be sure you had something resembling a plan
>It took almost a week to have something thorough and detailed enough to convince her that you had some basic idea of what your were doing
>The truth is that you wrote the plan out solely to satisfy her
>You didn’t even include a fraction of the things you might have to do, and you sure as hell haven’t memorized what you wrote down
>So instead, you’re going by a few good doctrines
“We do whatever we need to, we do it as quickly as possible, and we leave before any meaningful response can be organized.”
>“And? What are the specifics?”
“We don’t know yet.”
>Twilight sighs and stares at the floor
>“I thought there were plans.”
“There are, but we will need to improvise. The flowchart was just illustrating some of the on-the-spot decisions we might need to make.”
>She turns her gaze back to you
>“Look, all I really want right now is some certainty. Your flowchart was very vague about how I’d be using my magic.”


>As it should be, since you have no idea what she’s capable of
>Celestia’s assured you that Twilight is one of the best magicians alive
>However, the tactical applications of turning a rock into a top hat are limited
>Teleportation and telekinesis are fine and dandy, but that limits your options too much
>“I want to know one thing. Do you think I’ll have to kill people if we need to fight?”
>The truthful answer is ‘probably’
>You uncross your arms so you can hold your chin and think of a tactful response
>After a couple of seconds, you throw up your hands
“We’ll do whatever’s practical.”
>Twilight’s eyes widen slightly.
>“So if avoiding killing is practical, I won’t have to?”
“If it’s not practical, yes.”
>They scrunch back down in concern
>“When would it be impractical?”
“When we don’t have a better option.”
>They scrunch down even further
>“And you think I wouldn’t have a better option?”
“Do you?”
>She rears back again, her eyes shooting open as she gives an overdramatic sweeping gesture with both forehooves
>“Well gee, I don’t know. Maybe we could always try to avoid anyone who wants to attack us in the first place, and hide instead of fighting?”
“Okay, we’ll do that. The plan is escape and evasion, after all.”
>Twilight Snarkle drops her forehooves back to the ground and just barely, barely begins to smile
>If only you could let her stay her like that


“Just keep in mind that the last twelve years have been a revolution in surveillance and reconnaissance technology. Do you know any spells that can hide people from thermal imaging?”
>Aaaand the unrealistic expectations shatter with her smile
>“Uhh… short of giving them hypothermia, I can’t think of anything at the moment.”
“There’s also the night of the Fourth, when hiding isn’t really an option. We’re going to have to fight at least once, and killing a hostile is the most defin-”
>Twilight puts one forehoof out to prompt you to stop, and places the other just between her eyes in what seems to be the pony equivalent of grabbing the bridge of one’s nose
>“Look, I’m not sure you really understand what death means to me. Or what it means at all, for that matter.”
>Whoa
>Hold up a second
>Hold up a motherfucking second
>You lean forward and speak in a calm, firm whisper
“Twilight, you don’t get to say that.”
>She puts one hoof down and throws the other out to the side, concern etching the features into her now-revealed face
>“Why not? You’re willingly putting dozens of innocent people in a situation that could get them all killed, and on top of that you’re saying I have no options aside from killing.”
“You lost the right to say anything when you watched the Death Star explode and enjoyed it.”
>“That was different. Those were clones. They’re not natural beings.”


>Ohhh so that was her logic
>Doesn’t change that she’s wrong
“And what exactly is wrong with that?”
>“A clone is a replica of an original. There’s nothing lost in its destruction, save for the time and effort of making it, unless the template for creating it is lost.”
>She’s getting fired up
>Maybe you can use this to distract her from the ridiculous accusation she just made
“That’s not how cloning works.”
>“Not without magic. With magic, it’s possible to make a copy that is indistinguishable down to the molecular scale, at least in theory. This isn’t something that many magicians have tried. As far as I’m concerned, The Force is just another incorrect interpretation of my intellectual interest’s inscrutable intricacies.”
>Uhh, what?
“Why are you tying The Force to cloning?”
>“Isn’t that how they did the cloning?”
“No. Your perception of what The Force is way off. It can’t be used for stuff like that.”
>She looks off to the side and furrows her brow for a moment, then returns her gaze to you
>Looks like you’ve completely derailed her previous line of thought
>“So the fiction is that they were made with natural cellular processes?”
“With chemical alterations to make them reach adulthood sooner and be unquestioningly obedient, but yeah.”


>“Oh. Do you know how this movie went over with the crowd who’s against zygotic stem cell research? I know there are some weird double standards around that.”
>Balls keep getting thrown your way from somewhere deep in left field
>And what’s ‘zygotic’ stem cell research?
>It’s not called that
“You’re on the wrong page. I don’t think that was a thing back in ’77 and I don’t know why you’re not calling it embryonic stem cell research.”
>“Because that’s a misnomer, in my opinion.”
>You sit up straight and wait
>She takes the cue immediately
>This is going well
>“Stem cells are harvested from zygotes, the pre-embryonic stage of development. A zygote is only a zygote for a few days after the egg is, uh… fertilized. Human medicine can’t detect a fertilization that early, so the majority of embryonic stem cells are taken from artificial fertilizations. Those tend to be backups for implantation into someone who’s having trouble conceiving. They would have been thrown out, otherwise. I don’t see how that could be so controversial.”
>…Huh
“When you put it like that, I’m confused too.”
>“Speaking of, I’m confused as to why I’m not allowed to question your understanding of death’s significance.”
>Fffffuck
>Derail failed


>“Plain and simple, I won’t fight unless I have no other option and I’m not going to kill anyone. I’m not going to let you get anyone else killed, either. Unless you’re one hundred percent sure it could deter an attack, please call the party off.”
“I won’t.”
>Twilight’s look of concern turns to one of borderline disgust
>If it keeps going like this, she’s going to go to someone else for her daily dose of cuddles and this relationship will be a failure to launch
>“I don’t understand how someone that’s so nice to me could be so willing to risk innocent lives.”
>You raise an eyebrow
“Do you want me to explain?”
>“I’m not sure you can.”
>You put your hands out in a halfhearted shrug
“I’m not the one who would be killing them.”
>Her frown is softening
“That’s why I’m sticking with this part of the plan. If that one in a thousand attack does come, the ball isn’t in my court when it comes to moral decisions.”


>She’s nodding slightly
>“Ohhh. Okay, I think get why you’re having the party now.”
>The frown is almost completely gone
>“You’re trying to force a situation where they’ll have to prove they’re evil if they really want to take Spike and I. That’s- okay, yeah. I can understand that.”
>Booyah
“So you’re okay with it now?”
>“I… well, no, but I’ll let you do it.”
“Glad to hear it.”
>Is this what it feels like to be Commander Shepard, getting an all-star team of specialists ready for an impossible mission?
>It feels good
>Minus the renegade bullshit with the party, at least
>And also hopefully not hallucinating everything
>“I wouldn’t have many qualms killing someone evil if I really, really need to… though, uh, I’m not sure I’d be competent. I guess that’s what we’re working on, right?”
>Wat, again
“Wait, just like that? You’re completely okay with killing now?”
>“Well… not completely. Someone who’s unrepentantly evil is just one step above being unnaturally created. If I have no choice but to kill them, that’s that.”
>Nope!
>Nope nope nope nope
>Too renegade
>Not letting this happen
>Having a wizard on your side who will kill reluctantly is WAAAAY better than having a wizard that’s completely willing to kill
>In any case, you need a combat wizard, and you need to tell her something you were trying to hold back


“You misinterpreted what I said earlier in the movie. The Empire is only using some clones left over from the Clone Wars. There were plenty of non-clones aboard. You were happy that they died, whether or not you knew it.”
>She ponders this for barely a second
>“They were still evil.”
“Are the people who might attack us evil if they go through with it?”
>“Causing unnecessary destruction is creating chaos. The more destruction, the worse it is. Killing a person is literally destroying their life’s work. DECADES of effort are wiped out. If people who kill without a second thought are not evil, I don’t know what is. How could you not understand that?”
>Now she’s just being presumptuous
“Twilight, I do understand. I’d dare say I understand better than you do.”
>She cocks an eyebrow and squints interrogatively
>Her huge eyes make a passable effort at boring into your soul over the next five seconds
>Yes, Twilight, this human is being serious
>“Prove it.”
>Now we’re talking
“I think I know exactly how to do that.”


>You shut down the entertainment system and wave in the direction of your room
>Using the momentum from this gesture, you push off of the couch
“Come on. I’ve got something I want to show you.”
>It takes less than ten steps to get into your room
>Somewhere around the third step, you hear her hooves start to follow you
>Your desktop is still whirring happily away under the desk
>It’d be horrible to leave her waiting when you’ve got such a point to prove
>Whoops, the shades are up on the windows!
>You take care of that, then turn around and gesture to your bed
>Twilight climbs onto it as you flop into the big ol’ executive spinny chair in front of your desk
>The amount of paper on your desk must have tripled over the last week
>Sketches of your flowchart and scrolls from Celestia are strewn all over
>A few from Luna are probably in there too, but they have similar writing styles and always sign the letters together
>There’s even a copy of an actual friendship report buried in there somewhere from when you asked if Twilight had any experience with dangerous situations
>She also sent you copies of most of the other friendship reports because you took their outburst over asking how they knew they were cartoon characters so well
>It took all of your willpower to not fangasm on the spot as you read through THE friendship reports
>Sending them back was almost as hard, but it wasn’t like you have room to keep dozens of scrolls
>Based princesses


>Twilight’s based too, in a roundabout and not really based way
>Now you have a legit reason to be sending letters back and forth with the two big princesses
>That’s great and all, but Spike’s actively reading through some of what you send now
>Can’t have everything
“Alright. You’ve got some idea of what death means, but you’re missing some important parts. We need to address that.”
>“Is it that I only mentioned how death can take away past work that’s been done? I thought that the future consequences of not being able to do anything again would have been implicit.”
>Not quite there
“That’s important too, but I’m still not hearing what I want to hear.”
>She lays down on the bed, folding her hooves under herself
>“What about the impact of a death on a community? Is that what I’m missing?”
>Nnnnope
“Still not quite what I’m looking for.”
>“I’d rather not have to keep guessing at this time of night.”
“Well, then we better get started. I’m going to show you something that changed my life, but I need to tell you a little story first. This all leads into how I developed my idea of what it means to kill.”
>“What kind of story?”
“Bits and pieces of my life story.”
>She gives a worried frown
>“Please don’t make me regret taking this conversation towards an ad equinem. It’s late, I’m tired, I just watched an enjoyable movie, and there were things I planned to do right now that are sort of important.”
>She should have considered that before starting this


“I’ll try not to make this take too long. I promise.”
>Twilight shifts around on the bed to get settled in
>Evidently, she thinks it might
>At least she’s staying
>You lean back in the chair
“If I had to summarize my life in two words, those words would be ‘head trauma.’”
>Twilight stares at you, unamused
“No, seriously. A lot of personally important events in my life involve me getting conked upside the head in one way or another. Just a weird pattern I’ve noticed.”
>Twilight’s starting to flatten her ears back and lower her head onto the mattress
>Hurry up and start telling the story
“The first time worth talking about was when I was four years old. I was at the playground with my father. It was a warm, sunny day, so we both walked down to the neighborhood playground. We had the playground to ourselves for some reason, can’t recall why. This is important because the next two things probably wouldn’t have happened if there was anyone else there.”
>She raises her head again as her ears perk back up fully
>“I think I’ve heard this before.”
>The fuck?
>Did Jon tell her?
>Why would he do that?
“You’ve heard this before?”
>“Yeah, it’s… never mind. Continue.”
“No, I need to know if you heard this from my father.”
>The room fills with silence
>Twilight starts glancing at the wall, the desk, your Xbox, and a myriad of things which are not you


>Could’ve just said “yes,” princess
“Whatever. That doesn’t change things too much. Point is that I goaded him onto a spring-mounted rocking horse. The spring couldn’t support him and he rocked straight onto his face. I’d been watching some Tom and Jerry cartoons earlier that day. My young, stupid mind thought that dad falling on his face was just as funny as Tom falling on his face, so I laughed.”
>You sit up straight, remembering the sensation of what happened next
“He got right up, angrier than I’ve ever seen him before or since, and hit me with a closed fist on the side of my head. I was lucky he was still lucid enough to hold back and not use his knuckles. That’s where his side of the story ends.”
>Her eyes lock back on to you as her forelegs uncross
>Now you’ve got her attention!
“He blames himself for what he did. I don’t. I was being a little jerk, and because of me he had to spend the rest of the afternoon using cotton balls and rubbing alcohol to get the grains of dirt out of the skin of his forehead. I think I deserved what I got.”
>She blinks, her mouth just barely opening like she’s as gobsmacked as you were when it happened
>At least part of this must be news to her, probably not the part about the rubbing alcohol
>Pon is processing this new information


>You leave her in silence again for a couple of seconds before restarting
“Sure, I was almost too scared of him to follow him home from the playground. Sure, it took me more than a day to work up the nerve to give him a proper apology. Sure, we’d both done something neither of us should have done. I still think this was the best demonstration of the golden rule I ever could have been given.”
>You pause between sentences
>Twilight is given just enough time to interject
>“I don’t understand. You sound thankful for this.”
“I guess I am, in a way. It helped make me who I am. I’m also glad he’s never done anything like that again, but that’s something else.”
>She opens her mouth to speak, but thinks better of it
>A second later, she finds the words she wants to say
>“Does this have anything to do with trying to get me to hit you earlier this week?”
“No, that was different.”
>Need to keep this moving or she might miss the point you’re trying to make
>You wave off what she said
“Whatever. The playground incident’s water under the bridge for both of us at this point. Before that summer was over, we were vacationing in one of his family’s dingy little summer cottages in Ontario and he was teaching me to canoe on the lake. He never did anything like it again, either. I don’t think I understood what had happened back then, so let’s fast forward a couple of years.”
>Now that you’re off that subject, you can relax again


>Still, there’s a message she needs to get and it wouldn’t make as much sense without that bit
>You lean back into the chair and address the ceiling
“I was six years old, mostly unmedicated, and overall I was the same stupid kid. That stupidity tended to get me in and out of the principal’s office with some regularity. I managed to get into a fight once. I was held back a year for that while they figured out my medications some more. Mind you, I wasn’t a troublemaker. I always said ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ but I kept goofing off during class. My parents figured I must have too much energy if I’m playing around instead of learning, so they signed me up for an afterschool program at the YMCA.”
>“I don’t recognize that acronym.”
>She will if she keeps going with the music list you made for her
>Give her a week or two
>You take your gaze off of the ceiling to look her in the eye
>She’s looking straight back at you
>That first story must have been enough to get her interest
“It’s an activities club of sorts. Basically summercamp stuff without having to bunk at a summercamp. Anyway, I was running around on the field when some of the other kids told me they were going to make a little clubhouse out of sticks in the woods nearby. I had nothing better to do, so I went with them. This was maybe 20 feet into the woodline. The staff couldn’t really see what was happening but didn’t really care as long as they knew where we were.”


>You can see her mouth opening and beginning to say the word “did”
>Most likely “did they conk you over the head?”
>You cut her off before any sound escapes her
“I think I know what you’re about to ask, and no, little kids usually aren’t jerks like I was to my father. They didn’t conk me over the head. Not directly, at least.”
>Her mouth shuts
“They’d already made a decent amount of the clubhouse and they’d started setting up some stuff around it. Everyone involved was young and stupid, so they wanted to set it up like a castle with catapults and stuff.”
>Her mouth opens again in a silent ‘ohhh’ of realization
“Yeah, the catapults were what did it. I don’t know what anyone was thinking when they made the first one. The one they made was nothing more than a stick levered over a rock, but it was a big stick. I was stupid enough to stand in front of one when it was being shown off.”
>You point to that one spot on your eyebrow
“It hit me right here. They’d only loaded it with a woodchip, but I almost lost my eye.”
>“You almost lost your eye at six years old?”
>Her voice rises slightly as she asks the question
>It’s hard to tell whether it’s because of incredulity or concern


>On with the story, anyway
“Sure did. The woodchip was moving fast enough to have done it, too. It got lodged under my skin when it hit me. Mind you, this was a pretty chunky woodchip so it was sticking out there like a horn or some-”
>You notice a legitimate frown on Twilight’s face and a spark of annoyance in her eyes
>She’s engaged enough in what you’re saying
>It can’t be that she’s bored already
>Was it something you said?
>Wait
>Yeah, it was something you said
“Sorry, that was a bad analogy. Anyway, I run back to the main building of the camp screaming and crying because I have no idea what’s going on other than ‘something hit me in the head and it hurts really bad.’ One of the counselors saw me when I got there. She pulled me aside into a bathroom, probably so I wouldn’t bleed everywhere or scare any of the other kids. Fifteen minutes later, an ambulance, police car, and fire truck were there to pick me up.”
>This time, you pause to give her a bit of time to ask a question that you’re pretty sure is coming
>“I can understand why the police and doctors would be there, but why the fire department?”
>Yup, there it is
“I’m pretty sure it’s just standard protocol to have someone from each department come to the scene of an emergency.”


>“What happened to the other children? The ones that made the catapult?”
“As far as I know, nothing. Their parents probably grounded them or something.”
>“Then why were the police there?”
“Again, I think that’s just protocol.”
>This is going off on a tangent again
>Keep it on track
“Speaking of parents, the counselors called up mine and they were there in time to see me in the ambulance before it left. I think I was partially sedated at this point, but I remember a few things. More than the last time I’d been in an ambulance, at least.”
>“The last time?”
>Not that it really matters to this story, but she asked and it does fit the overall theme of your life
“I was two years old and cut my forehead open when I tripped on a doormat. The ambulance came and my parents rode in it with me. I was let out of the hospital less than an hour after I had my stitches in because I was getting up to use the bathroom again and again instead of staying in my bed. I count myself lucky that both times I got stitches in my head, my hair covers the scars.”
>Hopefully this doesn’t go into another tangent
>If it does, you’re going to have to tell her to stop asking questions and just let you talk
>It’s good that she’s interested enough to ask, but damn
>“Ah. Alright, what about the one when you were six?”
>Thank you, Twilight


“The paramedics had me in a neck brace and strapped down really tight. They were telling my parents something along the lines of how the woodchip might be poking at my brain.”
>You notice a single eyebrow rising on Twilight’s face
“It wasn’t. Funny thing about that. It literally fell out when the doctor examining me poked it. Of course, we didn’t know that at the time. Everyone was worried. My parents stayed with me and held my hand for the entire ride to Boston Children’s Hospital. This is when I figured out that they really care about me.”
>Twilight’s eyebrow drops back into a more neutral position
“Alright, jumping ahead to my first semester of college.”
>Now both eyebrows shoot up
>“That’s a pretty large jump.”
“I’m skipping the parts that aren’t related to this.”
>Then again…
“Actually, no. You’re right. It wouldn’t make sense if I didn’t at least say I’d got my fair share of A’s and B’s in high school and straightened myself out with the help of some medications. I almost went into the honors program.”
>“Why was it only ‘almost?’”
“I didn’t take enough math-based courses to qualify. I was getting good enough grades in the math classes I took, but actually doing the math was unbearable. All the problems took me way longer than they should’ve. I still got my diploma with decent grades, so no complaints there. We weren’t heartbroken about not getting another bumper sticker.”


>Twilight is giving you a bemused look
>“What would a bumper sticker have to do with it?”
“Schools hand out ‘my kid is an honors student’ bumper stickers sometimes. We spent a few months making college arrangements, getting money from my grandpa’s inheritance into my checking account, that sort of stuff. I started working a little in the meantime. Odd jobs, mostly, but it was good enough money to pay them off for this thing.”
>You end the sentence by pointing a thumb over your shoulder at the honkin’ huge desktop computer
“I’d struck a deal with my mom when I bought it. I give her a down payment for half of its price and promised to pay the rest with a little interest. I’d fallen behind on the payments a bit because the job market tanked when I was midway through high school. I took a job helping dig out the pit for a neighbor’s new septic system in the July after I graduated because it’d pay almost double what I’d earned in all the previous jobs combined. I figured I’d be able to get that done by the end of August. It took until mid-September, but I paid off the debt.”
>That ought to be enough background on the topic
“And that brings us to the fall of 2010. I took my community college’s intake exam before I started digging for the neighbor’s septic pit. I did well enough on it to give me confidence that I could take four classes in the first semester: algebra 2, world history before 1500, writing composition 1, and Spanish 2.”


>Twilight raises one forehoof while continuing to make eye contact with you
>You can tell she wants to ask a question that might lead onto a tangent
>Whatever
>One more time
“Yes?”
>“I’m not seeing what this could have to do with death or your understanding thereof.”
>Oh, good, this is actually another quick one
“It’s about to go back to that a lot faster than you’d think.”
>Instead of dropping her forehoof back to the mattress, she rests her chin on the joint just above her hoof so that her mouth is partially covered 
>Those massive eyes of hers start to scrunch down in scrutiny
“That first semester didn’t go the way I wanted it to. It seemed okay at first, but then everything went wrong. I messed up and read the wrong book for the history course’s midterm paper. I skimmed the syllabus while I was digging that septic pit and thought it said something it didn’t. This was an online course, so I didn’t realize my mistake until two weeks before the paper was due. Shortly after that, the Spanish class also went sour. It was a different curriculum from my high school course that expected me to know grammar I wasn’t familiar with. I tried to push through it regardless. That almost ruined me.”


>You lace your fingers together and start twiddling your thumbs to have something to look at
“I couldn’t handle the higher workload. I could swear I felt my heart seizing up one time when I was told I'd have two assignments from one class on the same night. It became clearer and clearer that I just wouldn’t be able to get the paper in no matter how hard I tried to study. I felt useless. I didn’t even know why I was bothering to try so hard when, to this day, I still don’t know what major I want to pursue. I stopped talking to my parents, started saying I wasn’t hungry at dinners, gave up half of my hobbies, submitted a test to the Spanish class where all the answers were filled in with nihilism in broken Spanish… not a fun time.”
>“I’m not a licensed psychiatrist, but that sounds like clinical depression.”
>Returning your attention to Twilight, she’s actually looking kind of concerned
“Yeah, I was pretty distraught about it. I overreacted, in hindsight.”
>“I have to disagree with that.”
>Yeah, she would state that like it’s an absolute truth, wouldn’t she?
>There are so many retorts you could give, but they’re beside the point
“And I’ll have to disagree with your disagreement. They had to readjust my medications because of this. I actually considered suicide a few times.”
>Her eyes widen in shock and blink several times
>“You what?”


“I found myself wondering if the three-story drop from the English classroom would be enough to kill me if I landed right. I also didn’t have a car yet, so I was taking public transportation home and saw trains almost daily. I thought about throwing myself under one of them. I think that time in my life was the closest I ever came to actually doing it. Here’s why I didn’t.”
>And this is where it would get really awkward if you were one of the people with a ‘MLP saved my life’ story
>Pony hasn’t saved you
>…yet
“I was at home on one of the weekdays I had free in my schedule. It was around 5 in the evening. I was literally hitting my head against the wall over my homework. I hear Eliza coming home from teaching and think that maybe she could help me salvage a bit of my algebra work. She helps me for about an hour, then she has to go back to grading tests and making lessons. A few minutes later, I hear her start crying.”
>You allow Twilight a few seconds to collect herself
>“What happened?”
“I went into the kitchen to check. Jon was already there comforting her. There was a message on her faculty email account saying that a student had killed herself. I think I heard that it was because of some issues in her family. Mom recognized the name as someone she taught. Dinner was very quiet that night, but everyone at the table ate.”
>Twilight drops one hoof away from her mouth and starts scratching at her chin with the other


“I resolved that I’d never do the same thing to her. We ended up withdrawing me from the Spanish and History courses a few days before I’d get a letter grade on my transcript. I was still pretty broken up about it, but I knew couldn’t break my mother’s heart even if I wouldn’t be around for it. By the time the next semester rolled around, I realized that it would be safer if I didn’t care as much about withdrawing. My GPA right now is something like 3.5, and withdrawing doesn’t lower it. Besides, GPA is just a number, and I never liked working with numbers.”
>Twilight briefly stops scratching her chin during that last part of your story
>You can see the edges of a frown behind her hoof, but she restrains herself from speaking up
“Now that you have entirely too much background on what led up to the reason I understand death, I’m going to show you the reason itself.”
>You spin around in the spinny chair so you can operate your PC gaming battlestation
>Let’s see, the file should be in-
>Yep, there it is
>C:Users/Jake Addams/Video
>God DAMN are you glad you got that recording
>“I’m still not clear on why you’ve decided to tell your life story to me.”
“This last bit is going to tie all that together. I mean, it’s only fair. I know a bunch of yours.”
>There’s a one-way tense silence as you bring up the media player
>“… How, exactly, would you know my life story?”


>Spike must not have told her about the bulk delivery from their based-nesses, Princess Celestia and Luna
>You root through the pile of paper on your desk for the copied friendship report you elected to keep
>Found it
>It’s the one from S1E05 about being afraid of looking like a showoff
>You turn it towards her and unfurl it
>She scans across the page and mutters the first few words
>“Dear Princess Cel- Oh, horsefeathers…”
>No idea how, but you think you can see her blushing through her fur
“I think the note about how you wrote that in the context of having just levitated a ten-ton bear made of stars across town is somewhere around here.”
>Twilight buries her face in her hooves
>“Ugh! Spike knows I don’t like other people hearing about these things.”
“What, so he could decide not to receive these letters? Can he even do that?”
>“He can’t, and he shouldn’t have told you in the first place.”
>Something tells you she’s not on the same page as you are


“You think Spike told me?”
>She removes her hooves, positioning them as if she’s holding something between them
>“It must have been him. I know my brother wouldn’t.”
“You’re half right. He didn’t tell me until he realized I already knew. Would you believe me if I said it was Celestia?”
>That sideways look she’s giving you says ‘no’
>You hastily drag a hand across your chest, flutter it off to the side, and tap the bridge of your nose
>“I’m not going to believe that until I hear it directly from her.”
>Twilight waves a hoof dismissively, as if that’s going to make what you said untrue
“She just wanted me to help you acknowledge that you’re going to get through this. Anyway, this is what I wanted to show you.”
>You click to open the file


>The media player springs from the corner of the screen
>A couple seconds of the video play before you manage to click the pause button
>Since this is yet another thing you’ve seen before, Twilight gets the headphones
>As you take the headphones off of a small pile of scrolls, it occurs to you that you have no idea how she’s going to wear them
>She has earbuds for her computer because, frankly, that’s what was lying around the house
>You turn around to hand the headset to her anyway
>She’ll figure something out
>It’s kind of important that she does, or this won’t have the impact you want it to
>She holds the headset on a forehoof and appears to puzzle over the same question as you did for a moment, then looks back to you
>“Are you showing me a video game?”
>You glance behind yourself at the screen
>There’s a wooden bolt-action rifle poking out of the corner of the media player, plus a few statistics and gauges around the edges
>Now you look back to her
“Yeah. Red Orchestra 2. It’s a personal favorite of mine. I had a life-changing experience playing this game.”
>That last sentence causes her to cock her head in confusion
>You might be losing her here
“Yeah, I know it sounds ridiculous. The emotional response that videogames can cause isn’t the sort of thing you understand unless you’ve played some.”


>Uhhhh
>She played about 45 minutes of Minecraft
>Sort of remarkable, seeing how she’s never touched the games that come pre-installed in Windows
>That’s something you can work with, even though this isn’t something she’s told you about yet
“Did you try that game I gave you?”
>Her head levels out again
>“Yes, actually.”
“So do you know how frustrating it is to have a creeper blow up on you?”
>“Um… maybe? I'm not sure I understand the question.”
>Why not?
>Does she just not know what they’re called?
“Creepers. They’re the green enemies in Minecraft that run up to you and explode.”
>“Oh, that explains it. I had it set not to have enemies in the game.”
>Well crap
>Before you can even open your mouth, she continues into what could be described as a mini-rant
>“The most frustrating thing about that game is that it has a way to design circuitry. Just because of that, I doubt I’m going to play that game again. The icing on top of that is that the website the game is hosted on mentioned something about adding horses to the game. You already know how I feel about those.”
>Just because of that?
>What a weird reason to ragequit
>And what’s this about horses?


“Wow, uh… sorry about that. I’ve only been following Minecraft’s updates on and off since they added Survival mode. I thought it would be right up your alley.”
>She puts her free forehoof up apologetically
>“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment. It was interesting for a little while.”
>At least it wasn’t a total loss
>Still, she quit over just that one little part of the game?
“You could always just not play the parts of the game you don’t like.”
>The forehoof drops back to the mattress with a little more force behind it than just gravity
>“Troubleshooting a calculator that’s based on an existing design shouldn’t have been as laborious as that was. The less I'm reminded of that blasted breadborard, the better.”
“What’s a breadboard?”
“A word I’d be thankful not to hear again for quite some time.”
>Well that didn’t answer your question
>It DID prove you right, though
“I’ll keep that in mind. If it gets you as riled up as Minecraft did…”
>You make a little ‘and there you have it’ wave towards her
>Twilight’s eyes widen slightly as she realizes what you mean by the gesture
>She bounces the headset you handed to her up and down in her forehoof, almost like she’s testing its weight
>“Point taken, but I’m still skeptical. This other game looks like half of the videogames I’ve ever heard of.”


>Well, yeah
>The FPS market is kind of saturated, so she might get it mixed up with the rest
“At first glance, sure, but it’s in the details. The way it depicts war is something that’s not done often, and rarely done right.”
>“Okay, though I wanted to make a briefing for Princess Celestia on what human heads of state she might need to deal with. I’d scheduled myself to start on it tonight…”
>She ends the sentence by nodding back towards the door
>“Can this wait until tomorrow? 10am sharp works for me.”
>Not a chance
>There is an issue that needs to be addressed here and now
“I’m sorry, but no. This isn’t going to take that long and it’s something I think you need to see right now.”
>A strange look crosses Twilight’s face
>She looks toward the door, obviously in thought, but there’s something between reluctance and interest in there as well
“Please, just do this for me.”


>Now her face is screwing itself up into a very conflicted scrunch
>There’s an easy way to seal this deal
>You make a show of ‘absentmindedly’ scratching your thumb with your forefinger
>The scraping sound immediately draws her eyes towards your hand
>You couldn’t possibly train her to have a faster response
>Pony loves her scratchies
>She returns to eye contact with you shortly afterwards, not turning her head away from the door
>“How long?
“It's late, so less than five minutes. You can have more if you ask nicely.”
>“No, I meant the video.”
>She abruptly turns back to you
>“Not that I wouldn’t welcome a scalp massage, but- I mean, uh-”
>Scalp massage?
>Whatever she calls them, they are scratchies
>Twilight interrupts her sputtering by leaning a little to the side and reading the screen behind you
>“Nevermind. We have time for both if I work on the briefing tomorrow instead.”
>Using both forehooves, she places the headphones on her head like a tiara
>She has to tilt her head forward so it rests on her horn and between her ears
>That’ll do
>You click the ‘play’ button


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLYwH6xmyqU
(YouTube link: The title music of Red Orchestra 2, ‘Storm Clouds Over Stalingrad.’ The entirety of this game’s music is composed by Sam Hulick of Mass Effect fame. This is a somber orchestral piece with an emphasis on violin, brass, and piano. A male choir sings in Russian that they will stand until death against the dark horde threatening their home. Listen to the music posted here in order as you read, but let one piece of music finish before starting the next.)

>You are Private Peter Ulrich, 29th “Falcon” Motorized Infantry Division
>You hate this country
>You hate everything about it
>The mud when it’s warm and the snow when it’s cold
>Marching through that mud and snow
>Finding your countrymen lying dead in that mud and snow after a fight
>The people who killed them
>Stalin and all of his cronies and pawns
>How stubborn they’ve become
>It had been so easy not so long ago
>It still will be easy
>The enemy is inferior and will be defeated soon
>That’s what the propaganda broadcast tells you
>You don’t much care for propaganda anymore
>You just want to skewer one of those red bastards on your bayonet


>A little over four years ago, you were a young and impressionable teen
>You tossed and turned in your bed one night, unable to get to sleep
>Your final year of school was about to begin
>You were too excited and nervous to lay still
>It didn’t help that someone had set off a string of firecrackers for some reason
>You had no idea why someone would do such a thing at that ungodly hour
>Father came home late that night
>You remember hearing him explain to mother that he had gone out drinking with some of his friends he’d made while fighting in The Great War
>He told her he had to make an unexpected visit to someone he’d overheard speaking fondly of communism in the bar, which had delayed his return home
>Eventually, you fell asleep
>You thought nothing of what you’d overheard while in bed
>You did think the new leader knew what he was doing
>He deported the perverts, the useless cripples, and the thieves who leeched off of your nation
>He made the overinflated economy normal again
>He blew a raspberry in the faces of the arrogant Francs and Brits
>Limit our navy? We’ll build submarines. You didn’t say anything about that in the treaty.
>Take the blame for the Great War? It’s not our fault you sent wave after wave of men at our trenches.
>No more than ten thousand soldiers in our military? We’ll train militiamen who can be called to serve. They aren’t in the military proper, after all.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpV_wEZ_bZU
(YouTube link: ‘Story of a Soldier’ from Red Orchestra 2’s soundtrack. This is a quiet piece based around the woodwinds and strings section, with some bits of snare drum to give a military vibe.)

>Four years ago, you were told to report to the rail station to be brought to the training grounds
>You obliged, because it’s an honor to serve and a crime to desert one’s duty
>You spent weeks learning discipline, respect, and the proper way to kill
>The bayonet exercises were exhilarating
>Parry
>Strike
>Thrust
>Feeling the rifle in your hands, shooting, learning how to use its every surface for attack and defense, how to take it apart and put it together, to take care of it, you felt as though you had found your purpose
>You were good at this
>So much so that one day in the mess hall, you heard someone snickering about how they heard you muttering the bayonet course’s instructions in your sleep
>You let them laugh
>To them, it was a joke
>To you, it was a point of pride
>What he said just meant that you were a natural


>When they told you that you were done and sent you home, the first thing father wanted to know was what you thought of the 1898 rifle
>It got him through the Great War, so you could do nothing but praise it
>You said it was better than any rifle you’d hunted with
>He told you that wasn’t a fair comparison, because the 1898 was made for hunting enemy soldiers and in a league of its own in that regard
>You laughed and agreed with him
>Mother was just happy to see you again
>She was proud to see you growing into a man, but she was worried, too
>All this militia-building could only mean one thing
>The Fatherland would send its sons to fight and die again one day
>She said it would happen, and that she feared the last time she would see you would be soon
>This wasn’t something she’d dare say in front of father
>All she ever wanted was for him to be happy and for you to be safe
>You held her tightly and told her she wouldn’t need to worry
>Her brother might not have come home from the Great War, but her son will always come home
>You told her that your country would win its next war, if you even needed to fight in it
>Part of you was already worrying that you’d lied


>A year later, you were told to report to the rail station again
>The newspapers had been worrying mother more and more
>A territory dispute was beginning in the east
>If the Poles had known what was good for them, they would have just agreed that a region which was majority-German was German for all intents and purposes
>But they didn’t
>They should have learned from the Serbs’ mistake in the Great War
>Some of their soldiers even rushed at one of your country’s communications outposts
>It’s hard to think of a worse decision for them to make
>So you went to the rail station where mother put on her best false smile for you
>You told her not to worry when she kissed you on the cheek for the fifth time in a row
>Father’s smile seemed more sincere
>He’d given you his pride and joy, “Red Nine”
>Father wasn’t much of a tinkerer, but when he was working on that little C96 pistol, he was a different man
>Something in him changed
>He seemed happier, if that's the right word to describe it


>Everything about it made him beam with nostalgia
>Again, if that's the right word for it
>He said that C96 had taken three lives in his hands
>You’d heard his stories about the first two, but never the third
>He told you that if you ever got into a situation that gave it a fourth, you’d be glad he’d done so much work on it between the wars
>Over the years, he replaced much of it with the fully automatic ‘Schnellfeuer’ C96
>To the best of his knowledge, it was the only one in the country that was both automatic and chambered in 9 millimeter
>He also told you that you should only use it full-auto with the wooden holster attached as a stock
>He couldn’t seem to decide whether jamming the inertia-operated loading system or breaking your wrist would be worse when you needed to act quickly
>He also warned you not to let anyone take it
>It would bring you luck, he said


>Almost as soon as you were assigned to a division, you nearly had it confiscated from you
>You were being issued your rifle when the logistics clerk noticed it
>He wanted you to send it home because it wasn’t within regulations
>Through some bargaining and reasoning, you managed to keep it
>You told him it used the same ammunition as the MP38, and it wouldn’t disrupt the supply chain because you didn’t plan on using it
>They told you not to expect replacement parts and keep it in your ruck
>You didn’t want to keep it where you couldn’t get to it, but you had noticed others staring enviously at it
>11th company’s commanding officer had outright asked you to give it to him when he saw it
>Not an order
>A personal favor which he allegedly intended to repay
>A request from an officer, you had learned, amounted to an order when considered in practical terms
>You also learned that officers were trained to be gentlemen
>He was disappointed when he learned that it was an heirloom, but you were never ‘asked’ by any officer he knew after that


>You got to know a few people in your squad as you were being sent off to fight
>Bert was from Erfurt, wore glasses, and liked to read almost as much as he liked to talk
>He kept asking how you managed to take your father’s pistol with you if he wasn’t allowed to take more than two novels
>He was the ammunition bearer for the machinegunner, which turned out to mean he would carry the least weight
>Dagmar was that machinegunner
>A strange name, but his accent explained everything; his family immigrated from Sweden after moving several times through Scandinavian countries
>He lived on some farm in the countryside near Altenburg, and he wasn’t the quickest
>Mentally or physically
>But you could tell that he was more than happy to put his farmer’s physique to use by carrying the MG34 and all of his ammunition wherever he went
>Speaking of accents and people who had moved into the country, Benji was an Austrian
>He was very friendly, and had a way of making anyone smile simply by his presence
>Benji might have made a good NCO if that role wasn’t already taken


>His position in the squad was as the second in command to Andreas, and he was as loyal as a dog to that man
>Apparently he’d been friends with Andreas for several years before training
>Andreas was a strict leader, but fair
>He insisted on having the machinegunner’s section of the squad near him at all times, and that everyone address each other by their first names when not in a formal situation
>Benji always seemed to do writing for him by dictation
>You never found out why
>It might have something to do with how he misspelled his own name once, but that’s just speculation
>Karl was the rifleman that rounded out the command section of the squad
>Simply put, he was a joker
>Nice guy to be around, but it seemed as if he never took anything seriously unless the squad depended on it
>It should have gotten him in trouble, but he knew what lines not to cross
>Benji and Andreas actually took a liking to him
>And he had a grease pencil
>God in heaven, did he get a lot of use out of that
>Every time you turned around, you’d see ‘Karl was here’ and a picture of someone peeking around a log scribbled onto something new
>He kept saying that he’d like to have it in so many places that others would start copying it
>That fad never caught on
>The rest of the riflemen were in the two maneuver sections
>You didn’t get much chance to meet them because of Andreas’ desire to keep the MG section within shouting distance
>In retrospect, that was probably for the best


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsA8bDjG5m0
(YouTube link: ‘The Unstoppable Wehrmacht’ from Red Orchestra 2’s soundtrack. Starts soft with woodwinds, then a male choir sings in German about getting motivated to beat the enemy into submission. Falls into a steady, triumphant marching beat with woodwinds, brass, and strings as the music progresses.)


>Not much happened in Poland
>March here, ride a truck there, occupy that town there
>Being in a motorized division had the benefit of riding in a truck more often than marching, but victory was downright boring at times
>Standing around on guard duty was the most exciting thing that happened
>Bert told the squad of how he had doubled over a schoolyard bully with a single punch to the stomach for teasing him about his glasses
>Dagmar thought that it was good enough for a laugh, and you were inclined to agree
>Even then, it wasn’t that exciting
>The Polish Army had been defeated within a month
>You never even fired a shot
>No one shot at you, which was good
>You made a point of this in your first letter home
>You decided it was best not to mention that you were picking up smoking
>When you finally got your reply, mother seemed happy
>Father seemed happy, but also disappointed
>He was under the impression that you were going off to war, not some practice maneuvers
>You’d heard there was a war, but it was too small and too quick for the entire force to participate
>Most of the tales of combat were just rumors


>One rumor had turned out to be true
>The commanding officer of 11th company had been shot and killed by one of the locals during the occupation that followed
>In response, that company rounded up some 350 local partisans and shot them
>All you can hope is that the right people were the ones who got shot
>If not, well…
>Let’s say there’s one thing that happened last year you can be glad about 
>Not long after the first letter, you received a second
>There was a newspaper clipping from home included
>You’d heard rumors
>With so many adolescents having been given rifles and instructions to act like men, you were skeptical
>You couldn’t read the local newspapers to confirm anything
>The pictures gave you an idea
>The Fatherland was at war with Britain and France as well
>There was another period of tense anticipation when you found out that the 29th was going to participate in the invasion of France
>Were you going to be thrown up against the famed Maginot Line?
>Your country had taken care to construct the best trenches of the Great War, A lesson the Francs must have taken to heart
>They spent most of the period between then and now building the best line of bunkers know to man
>But it wouldn't matter to you, if Mussolini had anything to say about it
>Allying with the Italians had provided the Wehrmacht with an unobstructed route into France
>The 29th division chased an entire army of Brits and Franks almost literally into the sea over the course of a few short months


>Granted, most of those months were just sitting around waiting for orders
>The posturing and idle threats by both sides made it more of a Sitzenkrieg than a Blitzkrieg
>Once the politics were over, you were told you could finally get off of your rump and fight an actual war
>You got to participate in it, too!
>…Sort of
>The 29th was in the reserves at the Battle of Dunkirk
>That’s about it
>Still, the Arc du Triomphe was being passed through by a literal parade of the Fatherland’s finest thanks to you
>And you weren’t in any of the pictures or newsreels of it
>Father made a point of that in another letter
>Your mother did as well, but not as harshly
>It didn’t matter
>The women here were pretty
>You hadn’t seen a real woman in months
>Poland was a nice enough place to stay for a while, but the women there weren’t something to write home about
>Neither was the food, come to think of it
>Andreas kept bringing fresh bread and cheese that the company headquarters had requisitioned from local shops
>The terms of the requisitions were never discussed publicly, but a change of pace from field rations was always welcome
>Karl even shared a bottle of wine with the squad
>Nobody knows how he got it, but again, it wasn’t the time to complain about luxuries


>Later, you were told to return to the east
>You wondered why, at first
>Rumors circulated again, but you decided you didn’t care about them
>You were headed in the general direction of home, so you requested a couple weeks of leave
>The request was granted almost immediately
>A few transfers between trains later, you were back home
>Your parents were absolutely overjoyed to see you again
>Mother almost never let go of you the whole time you were on leave
>When she did, it was usually to prepare the best meals you’d had in a long time
>On the third night home, she made a glazed ham
>Father kept asking you questions over dinner
>How is your unit? Did you really not see any combat? Are you making sure to keep Red Nine clean?
>Affirmative answers on all counts
>He was especially inquisitive about that pistol of his
>Nearly half of his questions were about it rather than you
>Do you at least practice with it? Have you noticed that it’s more trouble to assemble than disassemble? Do you think you’ll get to use it when you rejoin your unit?


>It got to the point where you asked him if he wanted it back
>Then he started getting flustered, insisting that it’s an heirloom and a good luck charm
>It’s yours now! Keep it! Let’s just hope it’s not bringing you so much luck that you’ll never use it, eh?
>You commented that it seems like it already had
>Short of the rumors of redeployment to the African front being true, it seemed like your war might be over
>Then mother stopped eating suddenly
>She swallowed once, then twice, and then said father had a hunch about what might be happening next
>Father looked reluctant to explain
>After a second he came out and said it
>Some of his old war buddies that had found positions in the new government told him that the 29th was among dozens of divisions moving eastward, and they wouldn’t be ordered to stop
>They would just keep going eastward until meeting up with Japanese forces
>Anything in between would be crushed
>You didn’t think much of what he’d said
>This was one of the rumors you’d heard before you went on leave
>Nonetheless, you pledged to make a return trip from wherever your orders sent you


>When you finally got back to your Division and squad, you got your briefing
>Your father had better connections than you thought
>The non-aggression pact with the Soviets had been broken, and Operation Barbarossa was underway to gain a new breadbasket for the Fatherland
>This was the start of a new Holy Roman Empire
>In a way, this already was a Holy Roman Empire reunion
>Romanians, Italians, Slovakians, Croatians, Hungarians…
>Even the Finns were there to give the Russians a second black eye after their triumph in the Winter War, and some French fascist volunteers if you were hearing the new rumors correctly
>By your estimate, a third of Europe was rallied behind your homeland
>You thought it was excessive if the Russians were the morons that you’d heard they are
>Their track record in recent wars hasn’t been good either


>Father once told you a war story of how he was nearly bayonetted by a Russian when his platoon was assaulted during the Great War
>A company of Russians ran at his hill through an artillery barrage
>He later discovered that this barrage was not from a battery on his side
>Between rifle fire and the barrage, less than a platoon arrived at his position
>One of them almost got the drop on father
>The Russian saw him twenty meters away before he’d been seen by father, but didn’t fire
>He just ran forwards, screaming a war cry
>“Red Nine” saw to it that the Russian didn’t get within ten meters
>When the battle was over, father searched the enemy soldier
>That Russian hadn’t been issued any ammunition and looked as though he hadn’t had a full meal in weeks
>If they were as uncoordinated now as they were then, victory would be assured
>Safety in numbers seemed to be the strategy


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFT5V0VXxKs
(YouTube link: ‘Red Fortress’ from Red Orchestra 2’s soundtrack. Strings and brass. Starts out tense, but becomes uplifting as time goes on. As a side note, I think this game could’ve used a proper orchestration because the trumpet sounds sort of off. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a synthesizer.)

>Last year, everything was going perfectly
>Casualties were minimal
>There were a few in your company, but thankfully they were nobody you knew personally
>It only really sank in that this was a war when you saw someone from another squad take a hit
>Even though he was at least fifty meters to your side, you could almost feel the bullet when you saw it hit him in the throat
>He fell forward and bled to death within seconds, the dry dirt beneath him turning red and muddy
>Up until then, it had all been so clean
>That unlucky soldier was avenged tenfold
>You probably got your first kill around this time
>Not with your bayonet, though
>As much as you’d been itching to put that training to use, whichever kill was your first happened with the rifle itself
>It’s difficult to tell whose is whose at 400 meters
>The first one you’re pretty sure was yours was also fired on by Bert
>It was an enemy machinegunner of some sort, laying down on the grass to steady his weapon
>All you could really see of him was the dust his weapon kicked up


>Both Bert and you fired on him right after he fired a burst of his own
>Between the two of you, there were seven shots fired at him
>There would have been more if neither of you had realized he’d started laying completely still and wasn’t shooting back anymore
>Bert split that one 50/50 because you couldn’t tell whose bullet struck first
>The villages you passed through were ecstatic to see the Wehrmacht
>One of the men who could translate said that they were glad to be freed from Stalin’s cruelty
>You never went through a village more than once
>Something about Einsatzgruppen, whoever they were
>You only heard rumors about what they did
>Those rumors varied greatly
>You weren’t even sure if they were real, or just some figment of Soviet propaganda
>But one rumor you had been able to confirm was that Stalin had executed all of his top generals and was attempting to control his entire military by himself
>What an idiot!
>Truly, they must be the backwards, primitive people you’d been told of
>At the time, you thought that was something only the Russians would be dumb enough to do
>If they’re doing things to make your life easier, so be it


>Army Groups North, South, and Center were all having a grand old time in that summer
>Especially Dagmar
>Just mentioning the town of Bialystok brings an odd smile to his face
>Seventeen Soviet divisions were trying to escape an encirclement there through the town of Slonim
>It just so happened that the 29th was stationed in Slonim
>For once, your company wasn’t in reserve
>Between the 29th and four other divisions, the Soviets were stopped cold
>Your division alone accounted for sixty thousand captured enemies over the course of a few weeks
>None of them thanks to Dagmar
>He grimaced when he was mowing them down with the machine gun, calling out which person he was avenging with each burst
>It’s hard to tell whether he lost count or simply couldn’t count high enough to keep track of all his kills, but he certainly remembered all of his countrymen he’d seen dead
>And as said earlier, 12 people all shooting at the same targets hundreds of meters away doesn’t make it easy to keep track


>Sometime during the fighting, part of Slonim caught on fire
>When you asked why, Benji said it was because 11th company had the ‘honor’ of staying and waiting in the town while the rest guarded the outskirts
>Someone up high must have decided that they’d killed enough back in Poland
>Benji had an odd look on his face when you asked him exactly how the fire started
>After a few seconds, he said the fire was because the 11th was upset about missing the fighting so they took out their anger on the locals’ houses and a temple
>Then the conversation took an abrupt turn to how he hired a boy to take care of his beagle before he’d been sent to war
>Probably trying to cover for the 11th’s disgraceful behavior, but you didn’t press him on it
>Battles went on like this for a few months
>Encircle, eliminate, move on
>It was a procedure that became known as ‘kettle fighting’
>The 29th personally put the lid on the Smolensk kettle
>It felt like you were contributing to something greater than yourself
>After a while, it also felt like there was something on the horizon
>The distant drumbeat Soviet artillery got more and more active as time progressed


>Nonetheless, Smolensk, Bryansk, and Minsk fell like dominoes that had been glued to the floor
>Stubborn, but doable
>Kiev, less so
>Where some areas required a relatively quick kettle fight, Kiev required an entire siege
>Or at least that’s why you were told to hold position for two months
>Then there was Moscow
>They called it “Operation Typhoon”
>God damn it all, that’s when it went wrong
>October’s weather could be described in a single, mocking word
>Rain
>Endless rain
>All the dirt roads became impassable with mud
>If there hadn’t been so much delay this wouldn’t have been an issue
>Boiling the ‘kettle’ at Vyazma and smashing through the Mozhaisk defense line took far too long
>Mozhaisk may have been a real fortification, but Vyazma?
>That was just a town and some farms!
>And yet still, the enemy resisted hard enough to warrant two dozen divisions’ attention
>Advances that had been measured in kilometers dropped to a single kilometer at most as the year wore on
>All this delay meant you had to wait for what had been the coldest winter of your life just for the roads to freeze and the 29th’s trucks to be usable again
>And even then, most of them hadn’t been usable since August


>Between the roads’ conditions, lucky shots by the enemy, and stretched supply chains failing to deliver important parts, a quarter of them were totally inoperable
>It wasn’t uncommon to see a truck carrying a squad and a half
>Still, the advance continued for a while
>And then, one night early in December, the 29th was told to mount their trucks as quickly as possible
>You very much would have preferred to stay in your tent
>It was two in the morning, thirty degrees below zero, not your turn to do night watch, and nobody had any coats
>Word was that the rapid advance in the summer made it seem as though not very many would need to be made
>Combine that with the stretched supply lines, and nobody got whatever coats there were
>That also meant no letters from your parents
>No packages containing sweaters, either
>Andreas gave the briefing as to why you had to wake up in the middle of the night once everyone was on the road
>A motorcycle reconnaissance unit was being overrun by the enemy
>By how many, it wasn’t known


>There had been counteroffensives here and there before this
>It was almost routine
>There would be a poorly coordinated push by the enemy every couple of weeks which invariably failed
>A part of a motorized company such as yours would be sent to plug whatever gap had been made, if any
>It seemed normal enough
>Riding a truck down a snowy road on a moonlit night, farmland to the right and woods to the left
>It might have been picturesque if you weren’t half-asleep
>The idea that this time would be different hadn’t occurred to you
>You had other things to think about at the time, like frostbite, fatigue, and wanting to be further towards the front of the truck so you could hunch down behind the cab and get out of the wind
>The first clue you got was that the entire company was requested
>The second was when a shed less than half a kilometer away from the convoy exploded in a flash, followed shortly by the leading truck bursting into flames and causing a minor pile-up on the narrow, snowy road
>You were fully awake when the second explosion came from the woods and tore the rearmost truck in half


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tl4uzttNwM
(YouTube link: ‘Red-Painted Steppe.’ Brass only, then it’s joined by woodwinds and fast-paced violin which give way to an isolated violin with faint piano as a background. Tense and desperate.)

>Something started punching holes in the wood walls of the truck bed
>Whatever was doing it was relentlessly loud, but you could hear a few things clearly
>Andreas was shouting to exit the truck and take cover from the woods
>Benji cursed under his breath
>Karl screamed several profanities
>Obeying the first one without hesitation took precedent
>You jumped out of the rear of the truck and crouched down behind the wheel axle
>Dagmar, Bert, Andreas, Benji, and Karl all joined you
>After that, no one else
>You could hear groaning and crying inside the truck for a few seconds after
>It was quickly drowned out by a loud tapping noise from somewhere in the forest
>The explosions had woken you up, but realizing that half of your squad and part of another had died less than a meter away made you feel something more than awake
>‘Scared’ isn’t quite the right word to describe it
>Fear is definitely a component of it, but at the same time it’s a feeling of fearlessness


>You looked toward Andreas to see what he wanted you to do, just like in the last dozen fights before this one
>You were treating this one just like the ones before it
>The enemy had just been lucky
>Caught the company unaware by coming out of the darkness, that’s all
>With one of the trucks on fire, you thought they wouldn’t have that advantage anymore
>Andreas was shouting something and gesturing toward the woods
>You could hear him say something along the lines of ‘fire at will’
>At least that’s what it sounded like over all the noise that had started
>Every able man in the convoy was already doing just that
>Bert had already taken up a position on a side of the same tire you hid behind
>You were about to join him when you saw a flash from out in the field
>The spot where the shed had been lit up for a fraction of a second
>Where there had once been a shed, there was now a tank
>You saw a streak of light trail from it into a truck four or five ahead of the one you were sheltered behind
>Even though you could feel the explosion almost as much as you heard it, it didn’t register at the time that the other truck had just as many men near it trying to fire at the woods


>So you just leaned around the wheel of the truck and leveled your rifle at the enemy in the other direction
>The woods was filled with indecisive fireflies, popping and fading into the night again
>Other than that, you couldn’t see a damn thing aside from Dagmar’s tracers
>You shot at one of the fireflies
>Then worked the bolt and shot at another
>And then again for another
>At least one of them stopped blinking
>Almost as a response, a blazing flash from inside the woods nearly blinded you
>You could just make out another tank behind it and silhouettes of running men far to each side of it
>There were a lot of men
>More than your company had guns to shoot at them with
>You knew in that moment that there was no way to win this fight
>Then the tank’s shot overturned the truck which had been behind yours in the column
>The explosion was more tangible than audible
>Even from the next truck over, it felt as though a heavyweight boxer had punched the entire left side of your body
>You blinked as it knocked you to the ground



>When you opened your eyes, a small shower of sparks was coming off of the undercarriage of your truck
>Something was tugging on your sleeve
>As the shower faded and you saw a tiny green light coming at you from one of the fading fireflies
>The tugging on your sleeve became an earnest pull
>It sounded and felt like a gunshot went off just beside your head
>You were on your feet again kneeling behind the same wheel of your truck, but everything was drowned out by a dissonant hum
>Bert had grabbed you and pulled you back upright
>He was trying to say something to you, but you couldn’t hear any of it over the added noise
>You nodded in thanks and returned to your position behind the truck’s wheel
>Leaning around it once more, you were presented with a gray wall of smoke
>That hadn’t been there before
>You turned to Bert for an explanation
>He wasn't there anymore


>You looked to Andreas, hoping he could tell you what was going on, but he’d already run up to you and grabbed you by the shoulder
>He shoved a metallic tube into your free hand and pointed back down the line of halted trucks
>His mouth was moving wordlessly
>Looking to where he was pointing, you tried to figure out what he meant by this
>Bert and Dagmar were running in that direction, past trucks which looked even worse for wear than usual
>Other than that, there was no-one
>No-one alive, at least
>The Soviets can’t just make people disappear
>Everyone had to have gone somewhere
>It made sense that Bert and Dagmar were headed there
>You tucked the thing Andreas gave you into your belt and ran after them
>Wherever they were going had to be better than staying there
>Even if getting there meant running between the trucks instead of hiding behind them
>It wasn’t long before you finally saw what they were running to
>A few of the trucks had managed to get turned around
>One of them was already working on pushing the two halves of the wrecked rear truck apart
>You realized at that moment that you just might live to see tomorrow




Irxu vla qlqh chur
Et tu?