>“Equestrian Help Hotline. What can I do for you today?”
>Silence for a moment.
>“Hello? Is anyone there?”
>An unsure, hesitant voice answers.
Uh, yeah.
>“Do you have a question today?”
I have sort of a problem with my pony.
>“I see. What seems to be the problem today?”
Well, it keeps trying to rape me.
>“. . . Excuse me?”
I bought a pony from you guys a couple weeks back, and now it keeps trying to rape me.
>“I see . . . And this is your problem that you’re calling us about?”
Well, yeah! I don’t want it to rape me.
>“I understand. I understand completely.”
I didn’t, like, train it to rape or anything if that’s what you’re thinking.
>“Not at all.”
This is a problem and I want it fixed.
>“Certainly. Well, what type of pony did you order from us?”
The yellow one.
>“The Fluttershy variety? That’s usually our most well-behaved breed.”
Well this one isn’t, that’s for damn sure.
>“Okay, when your pony was delivered to you, did it seem in any way skittish or disturbed?”
I don’t know. All I know is that it keeps trying to rape me. Now are you going to fix it or not?
>“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to figure out why that particular pony would suddenly . . .”
I’ve got it distracted watching some nature program right now, but there’s going to be commercials soon and I won’t be able to talk cause she’ll be all over me.
>“Can you describe to me the sort of strange behavior that your pony is exhibiting?”
It’s fucking rapey behavior. You telling me you don’t know what that is?
>“I just need some specifics please.”
Well she tries to look at me when I’m in the shower.
>“The pony tries to peep at you when you’re naked?”
Yeah. That’s what I said.
>“And you’re sure about this? I mean there’s no way that this could be a misunderstanding—”
She wants my dong. I started closing the door and shutting the blinds, but then I just hear her fumbling with the knob trying to get the door open.
>“Well that’s odd, because most ponies know how to open doors. Did you not teach that to her?”
Why would I teach her how to open doors if she’s trying to rape me?
>“. . . I guess you’re right.”
Have some common sense, for the love of God.
>“Anything else?”
She keeps trying to drug my food.
>“Drug?”
With tranquilizers and such, so that I can’t fight her off when she tries to pull down my pants.
>“Where did she get—”
She knows how to undo my buttons with her mouth. I caught her in my room practicing on a pair of my pants one time when she thought I wasn’t home.
>“Excuse me a moment, but where could your pony have possibly gotten drugs of that kind?”
You think I know? If I knew I’d definitely have put a stop to it by now. She’s got connections.
>“Do you have any idea why she might be so interested in you, I mean, did something happen or . . . ?”
I don’t know. I think she’s just horny all the time.
>“Well that’s definitely a problem, since ponies tend to have very little interest in mating.”
Well that’s all this one seems to want to do, and I’m getting Goddamn tired of her trying to get in bed with me every night. I had a perfectly nice stable built for her for when she arrived, and she’s never slept in it.
>“Well the Fluttershy usually needs some time to be properly introduced to her new environment. Did you make sure to—”
Spent a lot of good money having this perfectly nice stable built, and—
>“Excuse me, but did you make sure to properly introduce the pony to her new environment?”
Well she went all around the house smelling everything. Then she tried to go in my room, but I told her it was off limits. She didn’t listen, though. That’s when I eventually found her with my pants, like I was telling you earlier.
>“Yeah. Believe me, I remember.”
Look I’m fucking sick of this horse. I’ve had to put locks on my fridge, my dresser, my bedroom and bathroom doors. I’m tired all the time. I haven’t had a decent sleep in days.
>“I understand. That sounds rough.”
Can you even fix this problem I got?
>“Well I’ve never actually heard of a case where one of our ponies was trying to . . . do that with its owner.”
Rape! A case where one of your ponies is trying to rape its owner. The act has a name, you know.
>“I’m aware.”
Well look, we got to do something here, because I’m scared to bring people over. I’m worried about what she might do.
>“I agree. Something must be done.”
Can you guys take her back or something? I don’t even care if I don’t get a refund.
>“Well you’re going to have to relay back to me your ordering information first before we can talk about a return.”
I’m not sure I still have the receipt. She might have done something with it.
>“Why don’t we start by—”
Fuck! I can hear the commercials. How long have they been on?
>“Excuse me—”
>“Hello, sweetie. You never came in to watch Hamtaro with me like you said you would.”
I’m on the phone here. Can’t I have some privacy?
>“Excuse me, but is this a bad time? Should we set up an appointment later so—”
>“I made you some milk, sweetie.”
Oh my God! You can’t make milk, stupid. That just tells me that it’s drugged already.
>“Please don’t yell at the pony.”
>“But I did make this milk. See? Look at how swollen my teats are.”
>“Her teats are definitely not supposed to be—”
Get your butt out of my face. Nasty. Oh God. There’s a hair in this milk.
>Hear what sounds like footsteps running away, then a door slamming and something pounding on it really hard.
>“Excuse me, are you and your pony still there? Hello?”
>The connection ceases.
>Hang up slowly.
>Grab a yellow form and write a report of the incident before moving on.
>Put the report in the Fluttershy pile, which is now bigger than all the other piles for all the other ponies.
>Wonder what is up with the Fluttershys lately while you take the next call.
>“Equestrian Help Hotline.”
>Silence for a moment.
My pony has a weird problem. It’s kind of hard to explain, but . . .
>You instinctively reach for a yellow form.

>“Equestrian Help Hotline. How can I help you today?”
Hey, dude. How’s the weather back home?
>You instantly recognize the voice.
Hey, what’s with the silent treatment? Don’t you remember your friendly neighborhood Rainbow Dash?
>“Well sure I do. You’re one of our most popular ponies.”
Darn right I am. I’m the one and only Rainbow Dash.
>No, she isn’t. She was created by your company from a DNA sample they own of the original Rainbow Dash.
>But you can’t tell a Rainbow Dash this; because even though they’re all clones, most of them are convinced that they’re all awesome in their own unique way.
>“Well I’d like to chat with you, Dash, but this is a helpline for humans having problems with their ponies.”
I know. That’s why I called. I kind of am having a problem with my human.
>“Oh, really? Well that’s different. What is it?”
Well I keep trying to get him to rut me, but he won’t do it.
>“Right. Okay, so, you keep trying to . . . keep trying . . . to . . . What?’
>What is it with this job lately? Is pony fucking going to start becoming a thing around here?
Yeah, like, so I’m the most awesome thing in his life, right? So I don’t see a reason why we shouldn’t, like, you know, be special someponys.
>“Okay, sure.”
And don’t you tell any pony anything about what we talk about here. It’s totally sappy and it’ll ruin my reputation if it gets out.
>“Well that’s for corporate to decide.”
You better not.
>“Tell me, Dash, because I need to know, has your human sexually abused or touched you in any way that you felt to be inappropriate?”
Uh, no, dude. What’s with you? I just told you he wasn’t doing that kind of stuff, but that he totally should be.
>“Well I’m glad that’s settled. And why do you think he should be?”
Because I made him awesome. He was chubby and shy before I came into his life. But now I’ve got him on a workout schedule with me and he’s feeling awesome.
>“That’s great, Dash. You really helped—”
He owes me. I made him hot, but he’s totally forgotten about me now. He says he wants to go out with girls his own species. Can you believe that?
>“I mean it’s not like it’s too crazy, him wanting to date other humans—”
I’ve got everything that those dumb girls have got and more. I bet they don’t even like taking about Daring Do with him like I do.
>“Dash, you should know that our company frowns on humans having relations with their ponies.”
If you’re talking about what Fluttershy was doing, that was different. The thing about me and my human is that we could actually be special someponys. We get along awesomely.
>“But you do have your disagreements.”
Well it’s just that one thing, and even then if he’d just rut me once he’d totally know what it is that he’s been missing out on.
>“That’s hubris.”
What? No, I’m talking about my human. What does Cerberus have to do with anything?
>“Never mind.”
So how can I get him to rut me?
>“Dash, I can’t help you with this. It’s not only highly inappropriate, but it also seems like a personal problem that I’d have little to no understanding of.”
Well I mean I didn’t even want to call you.
>“Oh . . .”
Nah. This was Twilight’s idea.
>“Your human has a Twilight Sparkle?”
No. But we go to the pony park and I saw her there. I told her I needed some advice on my human and she said that I should call this number.
>“And did she know about what you were going to ask me?”
Are you kidding? I’m not going to tell Twilight about wanting to rut my human. She’s an egghead that wouldn’t know anything about that.
>“Well I’m—”
She’d probably tell me to read to him or something.
>“I’m a perfect stranger though, Dash. Why ask me?”
Well I thought you would have some advice, but you’ve mostly just been asking me questions. I’m used to people wanting to know stuff about me, though. So I don’t mind.
>“I just want you and your human to have the best relationship possible.”
Well that’s what I’m trying to do. That’s why I called you for help.
>“You can have a close relationship without being sexual.”
What? No way! You literally cannot be closer to somepony unless you’re rutting them. That’s, like, logic or something.
>“You can be the best of friends, though, and have something special that’s beyond a physical connection. By what you’ve said you seem to have helped this human improve his life immensely.”
Well of course I did. Who doesn’t want to be their best when they’re around me?
>“He wants to better himself just by being around you, Dash. Do you know how special that is? Not everyone has that kind of influence. Think about it for a moment.”
I mean . . . Yeah . . . I guess so.
>“I’m proud of you, Dash. I’ve always admired your traits and your ability to bring out the best in others.”
Thanks. I mean I get that all the time, but still . . .
>“I suppose the only thing you can do in your situation is think proudly on what the two of you do have rather than on what you think you should have.”
I’ll have to think on that one.
>“You should be thinking proudly on all that you’ve done for him. His life is better with you in it and maybe jeopardizing what you already have isn’t the best—”
Ugh! I can’t take it anymore. I made him hot and now I can’t even think about him without driving myself crazy.
>“Dash?”
Every time I see him I feel like my body’s on fire and that I have to rut him. I can’t even cool myself off by flying anymore.
>“Dash, think about what I was just saying—”
Oh, what do you know? You don’t know how hard it is being around him all the time, at night. I want us to do things to each other. I want to lick that tight stomach of his while he’s between my—
>“Woah! Dash, think about what you want to tell me. My supervisors might be listening in.”
I’m going to do something tonight. Tonight is movie night and he always falls asleep on the couch. This time I’m doing to do something about how I’m feeling.
>“Now just hold on here.”
No. I’m sick of waiting. I’m awesome. I’m Rainbow Dash. And I’m going to get what’s mine.
>The connection ceases
>“Dash? Dash?”
>You try to call back but can’t get through.
>Sighing, you take a blue form and carefully fill out a report.
>You put it in the Dash file, which was empty until now.
>But you can already see that soon she’s going to have her own pile just like Fluttershy.
>Rainbow Dash can have a profound motivational effect on their humans, and it’s common that their humans significantly change to healthier habits after bonding with them.
>But if this is how Dash can react over time to those changes, then your company could have a big problem.
>You take the next call.
>“Equestrian Help Hotline.”
>An exasperated voice answers:
Okay, so my Fluttershy was acting weird and your company’s online support page said that pairing her with a Rainbow Dash might help.
>Oh boy.
>You slump forward in your chair.
>Just listening to this guy tells you that you’re going to be getting some new forms from corporate sometime soon.

>“Equestrian Help Hot—”
. . . And so I said, ‘Oatmeal! Are you crazy?’
>“Pinkie Pie?”
That’s me. How are things going back home? Did you make lots of friends with the other Pinkies?
>What is it with ponies calling this hotline lately? And how come you’re always the one that they reach?
>“They’re fine. I’m fine. What are you doing?”
Just calling random people in the phonebook to see if they want to chat and be friends while I wait for my human to come home.
>“Well this line is reserved for questions, Pinkie.”
But I do have a question.
>“Oh. Well how can I help you?”
What do you think I’m wearing?
>You reach for a pink form.
Well?
>“. . . Probably nothing.”
Yeah. You’re right. That was a good one, huh?
>Put the pink form back.
>“Pinkie, maybe I wasn’t clear, but this is a line for—”
I know. I was just joking. I do want to ask you something about my human.
>Oh, please, no.
>“You have a question about your human?”
Yeah. We kind of have a special sort of problem together.
>Pink form.
>“What is it?”
Well he likes chocolate cake but I like vanilla.
>No pink form.
And every time we decide to get a cake we end up disagreeing with each other. I tried to tell him that if he wants chocolate then he should just get a chocolate bar, but he won’t listen to me.
>“Pinkie.”
I mean cake was made for vanilla. That’s why they don’t have vanilla bars in the first place. Chocolate cake was a mistake if you ask me.
>“Pinkie!”
So what should I do?
>“. . . Well it sounds like you two are having trouble reaching a compromise.”
A compromise?
>“You know, like, an understanding. An agreement that leaves both parties satisfied when a decision cannot be reached otherwise.”
Oh, I get it.
>“So the two of you—”
It’s kind of like how I want to rut my human, but he doesn’t want to because he’s scared of what would happen if someone found out.
>Stare rigidly at the pink forms.
Hey, should I rut my human anyways?
>Fucking take one.
>“Why do you want to rut your human, Pinkie?”
Because I like him. He’s great. We always have lots of super-duper fun times together, when he’s home anyway.
>“Sounds like you two are pretty good friends.”
Well, duh! I can’t imagine my life without him. Making him smile is the best thing in my life that I can think of.
>“Pinkie, do you have any other friends? I mean it’s not just him, right?”
Well, kind of. I like going to the park and talking with other ponies, especially other Rainbow Dash ponies. They’re a hoot.
>“How often does your human take you to the park?”
Not very often. Not as much as I’d like. He has to work a lot. Sometimes he even just goes to bed right after he gets home. I think he works really hard.
>“I see. How’s your financial situation? I’m only asking because maybe you can ask him to get you another pony friend.”
Well I don’t think my human has a lot of money.
>“Oh.”
But that’s okay. He’s the best human ever, and he’s mine, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything—not even for an unlimited gumball machine.
>“Do you wish he was around more though?”
Yeah. I guess I do. I get really bored waiting for him sometimes.
>“Could that be why you want to rut him, because you’re bored of what you have now?”
Well that’s part of it.
>“Just part of it?”
Well it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while. Can I ask you something?
>“Of course you can. What is it?”
How long did the original Pinkie Pie live?
>“A very long time. She was old. Had grand-fillies by the time she died.”
She didn’t just live seven years like we do.
>“No.”
See, I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I’m already three years old, and in a few weeks I’m going to be four. That means I’ve already lived half of the life that I have left.
>“Well, gosh, Pinkie, I mean you live for a very noble purpose. Your companionship brings people joy that they wouldn’t have otherwise.”
I know.
>“You’re a great friend and pony, Pinkie, and that’s in your very DNA. That’s the whole reason our company thought it would be a good idea to clone the mane six. It’s a chance to give people great friends who wouldn’t have them otherwise.”
And that’s why I was cloned?
>“That’s right.”
And that’s what I am, a clone.
>“You say that like it’s a bad thing, but it isn’t. You shouldn’t feel bad that you’re a clone.”
Oh, I don’t feel bad. I like being alive. I just wish I had more.
>“More what?”
More of something, just enough so that it doesn’t feel so empty anymore.
>“What?”
I don’t know what. I want to live a full life. I know you can’t do that in seven years, but I want to anyways. I want to find love. I want to love someone. Even though I can’t have babies, I think I would be good at loving. I’d just have to find someone extra special. The thing is I already have too. But he’s scared of what might happen if someone found out. But I don’t care if they find out. I don’t care if everyone finds out. I know that I love him, and that he loves me, and that that’s all that matters. We can be full together in a way that we can’t be the way we are now. Don’t I deserve that?
>You find yourself so overwhelmed that you cannot answer.
It’s going to be my birthday soon and I’m making sure that we’re having vanilla cake, because life’s too short for chocolate.
>“Pinkie, wait.”
Look, I’m sorry that I hardly made you smile at all, but I’ll make it up to you next time I call. I’ll be happier then.
>The connection ceases.
>You hang up the phone slowly and stare silently at the pink form you took.
>Can’t bring yourself to fill it out. You put it back.
>After a while you go upstairs to see your manager about using some of your vacation time.

>“Equestrian Help Hotline.”
>The vacation did a good job of relieving some of the stress you feel at your job.
>“No, I’m sorry, but we discontinued the Spike line a few months ago.”
>Not that it had always been stressful; that didn’t happen until you started getting the sex based pony calls.
>“That’s right. So you’re going to have to start slowly encouraging your Twilight to write her own letters.”
>But you feel better now, and you’re back to answering normal questions again.
>You hang up on the Twilight owner and take the next call.
>“Equestrian Help Hotline.”
>A woman answers.
Yeah, my pony has been using my computer while I’m away at work.
>Sounds like another Twilight problem.
>“And this is something you don’t want your pony doing?”
Well normally I wouldn’t mind it, but she’s using it to look up porn.
>Never mind. It’s a Fluttershy.
>And now your stomach hurts.
>“Are you sure that it was your pony looking these things up?”
Hey! Just what are you implying?
>“I’m not implying anything. It’s just that it’s unusual for our ponies to have a high interest in technology the way that you’re describing.”
It’s just using the computer. It’s not that uncommon.
>“Well it’s really the hooves that . . . Look, you’re sure it was your pony?”
Uh, yeah, I’m pretty sure. I’ve gone through her browser history and found searches for ‘Big Dick Humans’, ‘Big Dick Nude Humans’, ‘Human Stud Makes Squash Soup’, and the worst was—
>“Thank you for confirming.”
She doesn’t know that I know. Why would my pony be looking at that stuff?
>“It is unusual. By the way, you wouldn’t happen to have a Fluttershy, would you?”
No. I have Applejack.
>“Oh, well how about that.”
What?
>“Nothing. It’s just that we don’t usually hear about many Applejack ponies at this call center. We have rural specialists working in other call centers that usually take these calls.”
Well I live in the city.
>“Actually, that could be a problem. You see Applejack ponies can feel very anxious living in an urban environment.”
Oh, I know. But she loves it here. She’s made friends with nearly everyone on our block, and she works in the community garden.
>“Well that’s great.”
It’s the porn, though . . .
>“Yeah. That’s a very unusual problem.”
Do you think there’s something wrong with her?
>“That’s hard to say.”
I’m starting to think something might be wrong with her.
>“Well let’s not damn anybody yet.”
What do you mean about that? I’m furious with her. She’s going to fuck up my computer with a bunch of viruses just because she wants to see those awful things.
>“I understand your frustration.”
And she doesn’t just do it once either. I know she’ll spend all day at that computer sometimes.
>“Yes, yes. I understand your—wait, I thought you said she did this while you were at work?”
You should see my computer chair. The seat cushion used to be light blue.
>“Excuse me, but I thought that you said earlier—”
And the smell!
>“I thought you said that she did this while you were at work.”
She does. I set up a camera to catch her in the act. I just didn’t think I’d catch her more than a dozen times.
>“I see. Well right now you might want to install some kind of protection to block her from accessing her sites.”
What good would that do? She’s just going to get the porn from somewhere else.
>“Well this way you save your computer.”
I could have done that myself. What I want is for her to stop looking at that disgusting porn of hers.
>“I see. Well ponies don’t usually have strong urges every day, but they do sometimes get them, and it’s important for them to have a healthy way to release them.”
Um, excuse me, but are you saying that I’m in the wrong here for not wanting my pony to fuck herself to big dick nude humans?
>“No, please, I—”
Because you can fuck right off if that’s what you’re saying. She’s not going to look at those kinds of things while she’s living in my apartment.
>“I’m sure she isn’t doing it to upset you. Perhaps if—”
What’s your name?
>“Excuse me?”
I want your name.
>You tell her.
Well thank you very much for wasting my time, because you obviously don’t know what to do, and it looks like I’m going to have to take care of it myself. I think I’ll go ahead and do that after I report you.
>The connection ceases.
>“Man, I’d hate to be that poor Applejack.”
>You take an orange form, fill it out and then file it away.
>She never did report you.
>A day later, a fateful call.
>“Equestrian Help Hotline.”
Howdy, sugar cube. How’s the homestead?
>Applejack? You’ve got to be kidding.
>“Just fine, Applejack. How are you? I wasn’t expecting to hear from you.”
>Is that a lie? You aren’t sure anymore.
I’m doing all right. Hey, you sound great.
>“Well, thanks.”
Yeah, you sound like a tall drink of water. Am I right?
>“I do okay, if that’s what you mean. Did you have a question?”
Actually, I do got something I want to ask you.
>“Is it about your human?”
Sure is. How’d you know that?
>“You don’t want to know.”
Are you acting as cute as you sound?
>“Excuse me?”
Anyway, I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to tell you this.
>“Look, it’s all right, Applejack.”
>Grab an orange form.
>“You can speak freely. I’m listening.”
Well, okay, I trust you. My human wants to rut me.
>“And why do you want to—wait a sec. Your human?”
I know that sounds crazy. To be honest, I ain’t even sure if I can call what she’d want to do with me rutting.
>“She?”
I’m not sure how it all happened. I told her I was interested in meeting someone, thinking that she’d be happy for me.
>“Go on.”
See, I want to meet a man. I want me a big strong man that can shake my tree, if you catch me.
>“Sure. But what about your human?”
Weren’t you listening? I said I wanted myself a man. I just love big, strong human men. I’d like to meet a real cutie that—
>“What’s your problem with your human? Let’s get back to that.”
Well when she found out, she tried to keep me locked in the house. And now she’s kind of insisting that I let her take care of my most recent needs.
>“Okay, well, her—”
And, boy, let me tell you, they are some pretty strong needs.
>She can’t seem to get off that.
>“Uh, okay then, Applejack, are these needs causing you distress?”
Well I’d sure like to satisfy them, if that’s what you’re implying.
>“I didn’t imply anything. I’m asking you whether you feel you are alright or not.”
I feel fine, sugar cube. Don’t fret about any of this.
>“Don’t fret?”
Yeah, no pony has to know.
>“Applejack, this is serious. Her locking you in, that’s abuse. We can investigate that.”
You can? You’ll come out and see me?
>“Just give me your address and I can send a team out tomorrow to—”
Well hold on. I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, to send a team.
>“Why not?”
I was kind of thinking, well, since I talked to you first and all . . . Maybe you can come by yourself?
>“You want me to come.”
I sure do.
>“I’m sorry, but that’s not my department.”
Well how about the two of us meeting somewhere then?
>“The two of us?”
Yeah, just you and me. Somewhere private. I really think it’d help me feel more comfortable with this situation if I were to see you in person.
>“Maybe something can be arranged, if you can get out.”
Oh, don’t worry. I’ll get out. You think I’m going to miss this?
>“Miss our appointment, you mean?”
So we’re in agreement here then?
>“Well to be honest, I don’t know. I’m not really comfortable meeting you by myself.”
Well I’m sorry. I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable with me.
>“Besides it’d be easier to just send the investigators out. If they find anything suspect we can have you out of there in no time. Then you’d get to come here and we could easily meet that way, if you still wanted that.”
But we wouldn’t have our privacy. There’d be cameras all over us.
>“What does that have to do with anything?”
Unless, I guess, well if you’re into that sort of thing, being watched.
>What is she talking about?
>“Applejack, I’m trying to help you here. Can we please get back to you giving me your address?”
Uh . . . No.
>“No?”
Yeah, I don’t want to do that.
>“You don’t want to escape from the abusive relationship that you have with your human?”
Well, I mean, I did. But then we started talking and . . . well, you know.
>“I know?”
Yeah, you do.
>“Yeah?”
Yeah.
>You’re starting to worry that this Applejack was getting beaten, especially around the head.
>“Look, you’re going to have to be more forward with me, Applejack.”
Oh, I can do that. Don’t you worry. I can do whatever you want me to do, sugar cube.
>“Well can you—”
Sure can. Like I said, whatever you want.
>“Let me finish. Can you tell me exactly what it is that you want me to do for you?”
You mean to me. What I want you to do to me.
>“What you want me to do to you?”
Well I want you to rut my brains out, of course.
>“Woah! Hang on here.”
What? What’d I say?
>“I can’t do that.”
Why not? We can get a room together. I know a place that’s no questions asked.
>“Applejack, this is highly inappropriate.”
Well you were the one who was leading me on this whole time.
>“No, I wasn’t. I’m here for your wellbeing.”
Well my being wants us to get together so you can put your snake in my boot.
>“Applejack, you’ve got to stop talking like that. You’re already going to be in trouble as it is.”
What! Now come on. You don’t want to put little ol’ me up on the scaffold, do you?
>“I’m really going to need your address now.”
>She’s silent.
>“Applejack.”
What did I do wrong? Where’d I go wrong? I thought when we were talking that things were going all right, and now you’re upset with me. Am I really that bad at this?
>“I’m not trying to be a bad guy or anything. But you had to know that what you were trying to do wasn’t going to work.”
I can’t help it. I’m getting desperate. And once we started talking, well, I just wanted to hear you say nice things to me. You have a nice voice, sugar cube. I like it.
>“I like your voice too.”
Really?
>“I always have. It’s a cute accent. I like to hear you talk.”
Shucks. I’m just talking with my mouth is all. But I blew it still, didn’t I?
>“You’re not happy. Let me get you out of that house.”
No. No, I can do that myself.
>“Applejack, please don’t.”
Look, I’m sorry I called you at all. I won’t cause you anymore grief. I’m going to go.
>“Applejack, please don’t hang up on me. I care about this job, about helping you, about you. Please give me your address.”
Sorry. I’ll be thinking of you tonight. I wish we could’ve met.
>The connection ceases.
>Fill out the orange form and file it away.
>Wonder why it is every pony can’t have a good home while you get back to work.

**

>*ring ring*
Hello.
>"Give me sex."
Fluttershy?
>"Please give me the D."
Fucking . . . Fluttershy, it's three in the morning.
>"If you want I could come over and, um, give you the D instead."
. . .
>"Oh, um, I mean sex, not--"
Fluttershy.
>"I mean my lady D, my V."
Fluttershy.
>"Please, put your P in my V."
Oh my God, just let me go to sleep!
>". . . Okay, I'm sorry."
Good night.
>"Good ni--"
>*click*
>. . .
>*ring ring*
What?!
>"Eep!"
What is it now?
>"Um, if this is a bad time--"
No, just say what you want so I can go back to sleep."
>"I mean, I can call later if you're--"
Fluttershy!
>"Eep! Okay, okay, I'll talk."
. . . Well?
>"I just wanted to say that it was your D I wanted in my V, not your P."
Okay . . .
>"Some ponies think there isn't a difference between the two. But there is!"
Okay, good, now let's all go back to sleep.
>"Do you want to hear what the difference is?"
You can tell me tomorrow, okay?
>"Um, okay."
Now goodnight.
>"Goodnight."
>. . .
Fluttershy, hang up.
>"I love you."
>*click*
>Fucking finally
>. . .
>Oh no
>There's no way this is over yet
>*ring ring*
Yes?
>"It takes a real sex expert to know the difference between a D and a P."
Goddammit, Fluttershy, you're a virgin.
>"That doesn't mean I'm not an expert."
I'm hanging up.
>"I know a lot. I swear!"
Goodnight.
>. . .
Fluttershy?
>"You ever rutted with a sex expert before?"
>*click*
>Rip the phone cord out from the wall
>That'll give you about an hour until she comes over herself
>Fucking Fluttershy

>*ring ring*
>Goddammit, why does this keep happening at three in the morning
What?
>. . .
Hello?
>*Heavy Breathing*
Fluttershy, is that you?
>*Heavy Breathing*
I'm hanging up. Don't call back.
>. . .
You hear me?
>*fapfapfapfapfap*
>*click*
Weirdo.
>*ring ring*
>Nope
>Pull the phone cord out from the wall
>Go back to sleep
>Soon you're dreaming
>And in your dreams
>*Heavy Breathing*
Uh . . . hello?
>. . .
>*fapfapfapfapfap*
>Oh God, it's taken over your dreams!
>Wake up with your heart racing
What the fuck was that?
>You stare at the phone warily for a while before plugging it back in
>Wait for it
>. . .
>No calls come
>Finally
>Hear something coming from the dark corner of the room
>*Heavy Breathing*
>There's a pony tucked away in the darkness, watching you
>You steel your nerves
Who are you?
>From the darkness appears Princess Luna, bleary-eyed and disheveled
What do you want?
>She fixes you in her twitchy stare
>Then moves her hoof swiftly below her waist
>*fapfapfapfapfap*
>*Heavy Breathing Intensifies*
Gross.
>*ring ring*
>Goddammit
What?!
>"Eep!"
>Fucking Fluttershy
What do you want?
>"Um, please don't be offended, but you sound upset. Is this a bad time to talk?"
Is this a bad time? Fluttershy, you know what time it is.
>"I don't want to be a bother."
That's a lie.
>"Do you want me to call back later?"
No.
>*click*
>God, she's a pain
>*Heavy Breathing*
>*fapfapfapfapfap*
>Oh yeah, that's still happening
Hey!
>Luna freezes with her arm trapped down between her thighs
Are you going to be done soon?
>She stares, her nostrils flaring
Because I can't go to bed with you intruding like this.
>Luna stares
So are you going to be long?
>. . .
Well?!
>*fapfapfapfapfap intensifies*
>She lets loose a primal whinny and falls onto the floor, rubbing herself furiously
>Great
>*ring ring*
>Oh, fucking perfect
>You answer slowly
What do you want, Fluttershy?
>"Do you have time to talk with me now?"
>Look at Luna, who's bucking her hips against your echoing floorboards
>She shoves her whole hoof in her cunt and starts cumming, neighing and farting
>"Um, are you busy?"
>Sigh
No I've got some time to talk.
>Fluttershy gasps
>"Really?"
>You watch as Luna starts sniffing her slimey hoof
>She licks it, smiles as though she's just discovered the tastiest thing in the world, and then reaches down with both hooves
>You shut your eyes and try to focus on the side of your head where the phone is
>"Are you still there?"
Yeah I'm here, and it looks like I'm not going anywhere. So chat away, cause I will not hang up on you.
>Fluttershy gets excited
>"I'm going to go get my fetish list. The big one!"
>Feel something poke your arm
>Luna's holding her slimey hoof out in front of you
>"You want a taste of this? It's better than Moon Pies."
>Hear what sounds like a bomb being dropped on Fluttershy's end
>"You still there? I had to get the list out from behind the door."
>You have got to get rid of this phone sometime

>*ring ring*
>A phone call at three in the morning used to mean something
Hello.
>Silence, except for some fumbling
Fluttershy, what are you--
>"Yes, I'm here."
Great, Fluttershy, now get to the point.
>"Oh . . . well, I'd like to have, um, phone sex with you--please."
>. . .
>A phone call at three in the morning doesn't mean shit anymore
>Sigh externally
So, phone sex.
>"Yes, please."
I feel like you already know what my answer is, and yet you decided to call and bother me anyway.
>"That just shows that I'll always care for you."
>Jesus Christ, this mare is going to torment you until the day you die
>Maybe you could use your phone cord to hang yourself
>"I promise it'll be nice."
Sure, for you.
>"I'll do all the work. You can just lie back and wait for me to come."
Just to be clear, you know phone sex is not just you coming over and raping me while I'm on the phone.
>"Yes I know."
So you won't come over, right?
>"Well, no, not if we're having phone sex."
Good, cause you can't get in anyway. I changed the locks again.
>"I know--uh, I mean, now I know."
Yeah, that was really news to you, huh?
>She lets loose a nervous laugh that's also the sign that she'll have found a new way into your house by morning
>Fluttershy is better at that than Houdini, but definitely worse at sex
>You just frown
>It don't matter
>None of this matters
>"So are you ready to be sexed over the phone?"
Yeah, sure. I'm used to being screwed by this phone by now.
>"Well I hope you like it dirty, mister, cause--"
>Hear some more fumbling, then a large clattering
>Fluttershy, sounding distant, curses in G rated language
>"Horsefeathers! Motherbucking sugar honey iced tea!"
>Hear her hoof steps coming to the phone
>She picks it up
>"Sorry, but the phone slipped right out from my hooves and slid across the floor."
To be fair, it's amazing you can hold a phone at all.
>"Especially when it's so slippery."
Wait, slippery?
>"Uh-huh."
>She grunts
>"It's really slick and wet."
Ah, so you're starting now.
>"Oh, well, I've got the phone if you're ready."
>Didn't even know it was up to you
>You might as well put her on speaker and let her do whatever while you try to rest
Feel free to sex away.
>"Wonderful. I just real quick need to reapply some lube to the receiver."
. . . You mean your phone or--
>"There we go. Oh, I hope you're ready to be inside me."
Uh, Fluttershy--
>"No words, my love. Just listen."
>The phone drops from her ear
>You hear her entire being shudder and moan as she drags her earpiece down along her chest
>Then there's a wet smack as the phone comes to a halt
>You're glued to your own phone in shock and horror
>She was right: There are no words
>"H-Here I go . . . Unf!"
>You know that noise lotion makes when you squeeze your dick really hard while fapping
>Imagine that, but times a hundred, while also feeling like you've just been violated
>Time comes to a complete stop
>It's hard to form words after something like that, but you manage
F-Fluttershy?
>You can hear her heavy Breathing but in kind of an echoey way
Hello?
>"Oh my goodness, we're connected!"
>Even on speaker phone and with her yelling, she sounds muffled
>"Can you feel yourself inside me? Oh, it's so nice."
Fluttershy . . . dear God, Fluttershy, what have you done?
>"Yeah, keep talking inside me! It feels so good!"
>Your head falls into your hands
>Man, just think, you could've hung yourself and avoided all this
Fluttershy, you are my burning everlasting hell.
>"Yes," she pants, "keep talking while I sex myself!"
>Now everything sounds like a hot dog being shoved in and out of a cup of warm tapioca pudding
>You're disgusted, yet fascinated, yet disgusted by your fascination
>It may finally be time for you to seek help for all the damage this mare has done to your soul
>She grunts
>"I know I can get all of it in if I shove--"
>*Schlorp!*
>"Ah! Oh sweet Celestia, it slipped again!"
>*click*
>Yeah, like you're gonna be able to sleep after that
>Fucking Fluttershy

>You eagerly watch the clock
>2:59 am
>Yesterday Fluttershy tried to have phone sex with you
>Normally you'd try to suppress something like that from all memory
>But she ended up having to go to the hospital for an emergency phone removal
>She hardly ever has to pay for her shenanigans like that
>So you want to take full advantage of this and rib her relentlessly when she calls
>And she will call
>She always does
>3:00 am
>*ring ring*
>You smile and answer slowly
Hey, buddy.
>. . .
>Heh, she can't even answer right away
>You just know you've got her squirming in her seat, phone related injuries aside
>3:00 am brings out the worst in you
You there, pal?
>"Um, yes," she says meekly. "Hello."
So how was the hospital? They got the phone out, I see.
>"Yeah. . . . It was very uncomfortable."
Heh, I'll bet.
>Crickets chirping
>You can't be done yet though
>Hmm, what else can you say?
So was the doctor surprised that it wasn't a long tube-shaped vegetable stuck in there this time?
>Fluttershy shortly sighs
>"You know what, why don't you shut up."
>Woah!
What's your problem?
>"My problem is you. It takes all day for me to work up the courage to call you, but all you ever do is give me lip and put me down for ever even trying to get you to notice me. I try to be nice, and sometimes I'm overbearing in that, but you've never tried to work with me. You're content to do nothing, to hurt me just as easily as you answer your phone. I didn't ask for these feelings. Not that you care, though. Oh, no, cause you're too cool to care about anything. No, you can't care or be passionate or love anyone or even feel anything without being scared that your little shield of irony will crumble and reveal you for what you really are, which is a sad, scared little alien boy who won't open himself up to any part of the new, welcoming world around him without feeling afraid that his manhood will come up short."
. . .
It always ends up coming back to my manhood with you, doesn't it?
>She groans
>"I just can't believe you sometimes."
Yeah, well, you're not the little lovesick martyr you think you are. You're the problem. And if you think I'm going to be the one of us who magically changes so that everyone can be happy, then you--
>*click*
>Huh, she hung up on you
>First time that's ever happened
>Well whatever
>She'll get over herself eventually
>Then she'll call you back again
>She always does
>3:00 am brings out the worst in her
>You sigh and crawl back in bed
I never asked for this.
>Fucking Fluttershy

>*ring ring*
>Yeah, that woke you up
>Same rape time, same rape channel
>*ring ring*
So you came crawling back to me, you cheap piece of--
>Hear some fumbling, then a large clattering
>"Motherbucker! You stupid phone!"
>Oh dear God, she's going to try phone sex again!
>*click*
>You bring your knees to your chest and stare at the phone from the fetal position
>Please no, please no, please no . . .
>*ring ring*
>She's out for blood this time
Okay look, I'll apologize, I'll try any fetish you want. Just please don't shove anything in your cunt.
>. . .
Hello?
>"Hello?"
>. . .
Uh, Fluttershy?
>"You want something?"
What the--you called me.
>"Yeah, and?"
>She sounds tired, and still kinda pissed
Fluttershy, are you alright?
>You hear her sniff
>Then she burps so gnarly that you can smell the green effervescing bubbles coming up from her rumbly gullet
>"Oh my, thas better. Jus preten you didn't saw dat."
>Okay, now you can hear she's slurring
Fluttershy--
>"I didn't wake ya, did I?!"
>And she just shouted that
Are you drunk, Fluttershy?
>"Nah."
>. . .
>"I mean, even if I was, I can still talk."
Barely.
>"Well we don't needa talk, if you know what I mean, cause we can do other stuff with each other, if you catch my drift. You get what I'm layin' down?"
I just want to sleep.
>"Yeah, me too. How'd ya know I was horny?"
Look, just stay away.
>"You're the one wanted to talk."
You called me.
>"And ya answered. Probably cause you want suma dis hot D."
It's because you would've tried to break in if I hadn't, and in your current state you'd probably have broken a window.
>"Nah, I can pick anythin'."
Either way you always come over.
>"You always come over."
Do you even know what you mean with that comeback?
>"Yeah . . . I'm not stupid."
Then what's it mean?
>. . .
Well?
>"Huh?"
Did you already forget what I said?
>"No, but I wanna ask: U want sum fuk?"
What do you think?
>"I think you should come over, so you can cum--like, all the time."
No thanks.
>"Well you should."
You should go to bed.
>"I can't sleep."
Can't or won't?
>"Please just come over. Have I ever told ya I'm a sex expert? I am one, but I just don't have anyone to help me prove it."
>She tries to speak but her voice catches
>"It hurts."
>You hear her sniffling
>"What is it you want that I don't have?"
>A softer tone than intended touches your voice
Fluttershy, we're just--
>"It's a fat butt, like Rarity's, isn't it?!"
>Oh, this can't be good
>"I knew it. I heard you say to Spike once that you thought she had a fabul-ass."
>You were home eating lunch when you said that
>Fucking Stalkershy
>"Is that why you don't like me, you don't think I have a fabul-ass?"
>She's not even saying it right, you have to say it like you're saying 'fabulous'
>"I can get an ass like her's. It's not hard to eat chocolate truffles and sit for most of the day. Is that hard?! Would you say something!"
This is awkward.
>"But all we're talking about is my butt. We've done this before, or do you only like to talk about Rarity's fabul-ass now? What about my butter butt, huh?"
>Her trembling voice breaks following an outburst of sobs
>"Why do you hate my butter butt?!"
>Please God, make it stop
Fluttershy--
>*click*
>You sit still for a moment before slowly hanging up
>You feel terrible, even though you shouldn't
>You miss when she used to just annoy you
>All this sadness is hurting you
>Fucking Fluttershy

>*ring ring*
>Really not looking forward to this after yesterday
Hello?
>"Um, hello, I'm a hot available mare who's looking for a cute stud to help fill her time."
>She's giggling as she says this
>"Do you want to talk? I'm so lonely."
>You roll your eyes
>At least she's being her normal, rapey self again
>"You still there, um, Mr. Sexypants?"
Look Fluttershy, I know you don't care, but I'm tired. We've also been over the whole roleplaying thing before, so hearing you doing this to me right now seriously depresses me.
>"Aw, don't be like that, Don Giddany."
>Man, she's given you so many petnames over time that the new ones are starting to make no sense
>"I just want someone to talk to, and you sound cute. Tell me, what do you like, what, um, turns you on?"
I said I wasn't doing this.
>"I heard you don't do a lot of things. So, Don Giddany, would you rather it if we just get to the phone sex?"
Don't you dare!
>"Woah, wait--"
I mean it, I'll go out and cut down all the utility poles right now.
>"Okay, it was just a joke. Calm down."
You should know better than to joke about that.
>She really should
>Just then you hear her mumbling
>She normally does this, but this time it sounds like she's actually whispering to someone else
>". . . not catching on. . . ."
>". . . hear you. . . ."
Hello? Fluttershy?
>You clearly hear someone other than her clear their throat
>"Sorry about earlier. Look, how about we do just talk?"
By we you mean you, me and whoever's with you?
>"There's no pony here but you and me."
Whatever. I know you're up to something.
>"But I know how you feel about pranks, and I would never try to trick you, Don Giddany."
And why do you keep calling me that?
>"Calling you what?"
That name.
>"Um, what name?"
Don Giddany!
>You hear the giggling again
>"Oh, I call you that because every pony knows--"
>Then her voice changes to Dash's:
>"--You Don Giddany horse pussy, faggot!"
Wait, what.
>Laughter comes rolling out from the phone like a barrel
>"That was great, Dashie. Is he laughing?"
>"I don't know, but he should be. That was so sweet."
Dash?
>"Oh man, I got you so good. I wish I could see your face. Describe it to me, would ya?"
>"Yeah, are you smiling? Dashie, put it on speaker."
>"You hear that? Pinkie wants you to talk about how blown away you are right now."
Fuck off, Dash. Put Fluttershy back on.
>"Wait, you still think she's here?!"
What? She was on the phone just a second ago.
>"Okay this is, like, too perfect."
>Hear Dash turn away from the phone
>"Get this, he still thinks he talked to Fluttershy on the phone!"
>They both roll out the barrel again, real wood stomping laughter
What, what the fuck is so funny about that?
>"That wasn't Fluttershy, it was just me doing an impression."
But it sounded just like her.
>"I mean, I'm clearly the best at it, but it's not exactly hard to get Fluttershy's voice down."
>In a perfect mimic of Fluttershy, she says:
>"Most mares I know can do it."
So you were fucking with me the whole time.
>"Yeah--"she snickers"--and you totally didn't even know!"
>"Is he still laughing? Wow, what a great prank."
>Dash sighs
>"But to be fair I can't blame ya. I even impressed myself with this one."
Why don't you go away and rub one out to the sound of your own voice then?
>"Sheesh. It was just a prank."
Fuck. Yourself. You literally tricked me into thinking you were Fluttershy, you know, the mare who's the reason I'm in counseling.
>"Right. . . . That therapist you're seeing, should probably tell you now that it's just been me in a wig this whole time, and this is all just part of your treatment."
I'm glad you think you're so hilarious, Dash.
>"I'm not Rainbow Dash, I am your ther-rapist."
Goodbye.
>In an Austrian accent, she intones:
>"For the next phase of your treatment I want you to go do it with Fluttershy and, like, really blow both of your minds. Then--Bam!--no more therapy needed."
>"That would make all this a truly life changing prank."
>*click*
>Maybe now you can get some--
>*ring ring*
>Fuck everything!
WHAT?!?!
>"Eep! I'm so sorry, I just--is this a bad time?"
>Well at least you know that's the real Fluttershy
Yeah, it is a bad time, because you caught me just after your dumbass Pink Floyd-looking dyke friend called me up pretending to be you.
>"Oh my, I hope you don't think I had something to do with that."
Well that depends . . . are you a hot available mare who's looking for a stud to help fill her time?
>". . . I know I'm not allowed to roleplay. You don't have to test me."
I know. It's just that that's what I went through a second ago.
>"I'm sorry. I'll make sure to talk to her soon."
Thanks.
>"But, um, what else did she say?"
Oh, not much.
>You sigh
Don Giddany.
>"Huh?"
Don Giddany.
>"Don Giddany?"
Yeah, you Don Giddany of this hot monkey cock, faggot!
>*click*
>Man, you can see why Dash enjoyed that so much
>Just for that you'll let the utility poles stay up
>For now, anyway

>Be showering in the morning
>*ring ring*
>Wait, was that your phone?
>*ring ring*
>It's actually ringing at a time that isn't three in the morning
>*ring ring*
>Holy crap, you gotta answer that!
>*beep*
>'Sorry I couldn't make it to the phone right now . . .'
>Nope!
>Shut off the water and jump out of the shower
>Immediately slip on the bathroom floor
>Fall on top of your shoulder
OW!
>Clutch your shoulder
Son of a bitch!
>'. . . Please leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you as soon--'
Wait! I'm coming, just wait!
>You come speed-limping out from the bathroom with one hand on your shoulder and the other holding a bunched-up Wonderbolts towel in front of your junk
>You see the living room phone
>'. . . Alright, call me back anytim--'
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo--
>You jump forward and grab the phone
>And then slide forward with full force and crash into the nightstand
>Fall and knock everything down to the floor, including your phone, which is in your hand
>Yeah, you held onto the ball!
>Bring your hand up
Hello?!
>Silence
>Look and see Dash's smug, smiling face staring at you
>Yeah, you're talking to your Wonderbolts towel
>Toss it aside and bring the phone to your ear
Yes, hello, I'm here.
>. . .
Hello?
>"Please hold for the princess."
>It's Luna's assistant!
Oh, crap!
>*click*
>No way you're about to get on the line with that weirdo today
>She always shows up in your house whenever you do
>Oh man, you really hope she is just on the other line this time
>Look around the room
>Nothing
>Alright, just keep calm and listen for fapping noises
>Close your eyes
>*ring ring*
>Damn
>Pick up the phone slowly
H-Hello?
>Hear someone clear their throat
>"Hello. Please hold for Princess Celestia."
>Wait, the good princess wants to talk to you?
>Hear the line switch over
>"Hello?"
Hello, princess?
>"Ah, yes, hello. I'm glad I was able to get through this time."
>Yeah, that's Celestia
>You can practically see her smiling on the other line
>"So is this a bad time?"
A bad time . . . ?
>Nah, you only busted your ass trying to get this call
>Wow, the floor is really cold on your back
>Sit up
It's a perfect time. How are you, princess?
>"I'm doing fine, thanks."
>. . .
>Huh, awkward pause
>Odd, you thought this was the normal princess
So, can I help you with something?
>"Ah, yes, thank you."
>She clears her throat
>"Forgive me for being blunt, but I was actually hoping to speak with you about your's and my sister's, um, rather deviant extracurricular activities."
Oh . . . really?
>"Yes. . . ."
And you're talking about the rape, right?
>"We are talking about the rape."
>Man, and here you thought this was going to be a good phone call
>Hear her sigh
>You have a bad feeling this is going to end with you becoming the royal masseur
>"I'm afraid that I must be the bearer of bad news and say that all contact between you and her must cease immediately."
>Woah, hang on, that's great news
Seriously?
>"Well, I take all business relating to our royal affairs very seriously--so, yes, seriously."
>Wow, seriously
>Ponies being reasonable?
>No way this can be real
>This better not be a dream, moon horse, so help you . . .
>"I understand this might come as a shock to you, but try to understand the damage to her reputation she faces, were anyone to find out about what the two of you were doing in each other's company."
>You recall a distant memory of Moon Pies
>Your spine shivers
Yeah, I see what you mean.
>"I'm glad you agree. I know by her word that you both enjoyed each other's company very much."
>Is that how the little fapper put it?
>Either way, this is great
>You're so glad you shattered your ass answering this call
>"So do you understand just why I'm asking you to make this sacrifice? Do you understand the position that she is in, and that you are in?"
>You hum
Well . . .
>You take your time in answering her
>You ain't got no problems right now
. . . Well, for the good of Equestria, I could see how it would be beneficial for her to no longer have any way to contact me.
>"I'd understand it if you were upset. I do not enjoy playing the tyrant myself, but this must be done."
>She lowers her voice to a conspirators tone
>"This could also be for your own safety. She has many suitors who are very competitive with each other, and extremely jealous of any affection she shows towards others."
>Man, imagine being in love with an autist who eats her own cum
>You stifle a chuckle
All the more reason for me to completely agree to your terms, princess. I can see now how our meetings could be dangerous.
>"I'm glad that you understand. Thank you for your cooperation, and of course considerable compensation will be dispensed for agreeing with me."
>Oh man, now you're getting paid to not get raped?
>You may be lying wet and naked on the floor with your bruised ass, but things are seriously looking up
I really appreciate what you're doing for me, princess. All of it.
>She hums shrewdly
>"Really? All of it?"
>Oh man, you know that tone she's using, you recognize it from Fluttershy
>It's the 'I'm about to be a very troublesome pony' tone
>You can even hear her laughing under her breath
Something the matter, princess?
>"It's just, if I didn't know better, I'd think that you almost sound relieved not to have to deal with my sister any longer."
Uh, yeah, I am relieved, especially after what you told me.
>"But tell me, are there any other reasons you would be relieved?"
>Oh man, just how much did that autist Luna tell her sister?
>Did she tell her about the masturbation?
>You'd have to be pretty fucked up to--
>Oh man, she probably did
Uh . . .
>"I only ask because my sister hasn't had a successful suitor in many a century."
Oh, really?
>Yes, really
>Look at you, acting like you're surprised to hear that
>"I guess it really isn't my place to ask you for gossip."
>Hey, if she wants dirt on her sister, then who are you that you would not serve your kingdom?
Well to be honest with you, your sister kind of creeped me out.
>"Oh really?"
>At this you can practically hear her straightening up in her seat
>"Well, I certainly didn't hear this side of the story. What did she do?"
>Hmm, now do you tell the most powerful pony in the land that you think her sister is a creepy rapist?
>Would she take offense to that?
>Well, they are sisters
For starters she was super clingy.
>She lets out a short laugh
>"That shouldn't be a problem any longer."
Yeah. She never seemed to listen to me, she never wanted to do what I wanted to do. She was always in my space when I didn't want her to be. She was never interested in holding up a conversation, unless it was about my dreams, but then only if they were sexy--and it was always right in the middle of them.
>"Yes, yes, go on."
But the worst thing . . .
>She's snickering
>"Go on . . . !"
The worst thing was, well, she just smelled kind of funny.
>Now she was laughing very loudly, and you were suppressing a grin
Probably went too far with that one.
>"No, I totally get it. She smells just like stale Moon Pies, right?"
Hah! Yeah, that's exactly it.
>"I know. I've told that to everyone else in the castle at one point or another, but no one else has ever seemed to notice it."
>You both laugh
>Huh, this princess is actually pretty cool
>Her laughter eases down and ends in one long, drawn-out moan
>"You know, you sound cute. I can see why my sister likes you."
>You frown
Uh, heh, thanks for the compliment.
>. . .
. . . So, uh--
>"What are you wearing?"
Wait, what?
>She giggles shrewdly
>"Again, forgive me for my bluntness, but I really want to hear you talk about that strange, tasty little body of yours."
You're joking, right?
>"Well, I remember saying something about taking all royal business very seriously, and, well, I feel I've been ignoring my own royal business for far too long."
Seriously, you're coming onto me, after everything you just said involving your sister?
>"Oh, I think you'll find I'm only clingy when it counts."
>Man, and this was the one phone call that seemed to be going well, too
>Again, if this a dream, then you're dead, moon horse
I'm hanging up.
>"Do it and you'll find your property taxes raised by however many inches you're packing under that towel."
>You gulp
Towel?
>"Look over here."
>Hear some tapping coming from the other side of the room
>Look past your shoulder
>See that Princess Celestia is giving you bedroom eyes from behind your sliding-glass door
>"Good morning, sunshine."
How did . . . ?
>She lifts her brick-shaped, solar powered cell phone back up to her ear
>"Your princess likes what she sees."
>Her thirsty eyes look you up and down
>Swallow a lump in your throat and say into the phone:
I'm going to have to call you back, I think I'm about to be raped.
>"Very perceptive observation."
>You grab the towel and cover up
>"Aw, don't do that."
>She pulls the towel away with her magic
>"It's a gorgeous day out. Perfect for popping off those clothes of yours and soaking up some of that"--she bites her lip--"Vitamin D!"
>The second you try to get up a yellow aura surrounds your limbs and holds you down
>Princess Celestia tosses her phone aside and steps toward your door
>You locked that, right?
>She slides it open with ease
>Oh, right, nothing ever stays locked around here for long
>Princess Celestia licks her lips and bears her great body down on top of you
>You can already feel her magic strengthening your manhood, pressing your blushing head, swelling with blood, against the lips of her hot sticky pussy 
>She licks her lips and locks eyes with you
>"I hope you're not allergic to Vitamin P."
>She starts smacking your rod against her tiny clenched hole
>She leans down, blows in your ear, and then whispers:
>"Cause there's two ways you can take it."
>You close your eyes
I need an adult.
>"I'm the ruler of all the adults."
>She leans forward and begins tickling your chin with her pillow-sized chest fluff
>Wince and turn your head away
I want my mommy.
>"Oh yes! Call me mommy again!"
>She cups the back of your head with her hoof and shoves your face into her downy fluff
>It tickles all in your eyes and mouth, like someone were brushing you with a light white feather duster
>She presses you deep into her fluff, up until you can feel her fur tickling your ears
>You try to scream but her fluff muffles you
>She moans and rests her chin on top of your head
>"Mmm, soak it all in, cutie. Get a taste of what the rest of your compensation will be like."
>Wait, this is supposed to be your compensation?
This is bullshit!
>Her chest tingles with your muffled scream
>"Ah! Oh, that felt good. Do it again!"
>She rubs your face all over her fluff, her moans coming deep from within her, shaking your entire body
>"Tell me how that fluff smells! Tell me it's better than stale Moon Pies!"
>Actually, it smells like a musty banana, which is arguably better--but like hell you'd compliment her at a time like this
>She finally pushes you past her fluff
>Your nose spears her hard breast
>It's time to fight the real enemy
>In your mouth, you gather a supple lip of her flesh, and bite down hard
>Her moans stifle in her throat and her hoof freezes, cupped behind your head
>You scrape your teeth across her pinched flesh, ripping it lightly
>She tenses up, her voice trembling with pain
>"Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah--Ow!"
>She tries to pull your head back with her magic
>You bite down harder
>Yeah, that's what you get, son!
>Hell yeah, time to show this bitch that you crazy, dog!
>You got that right, inner monologue!
>You begin shaking the slip of abused skin between your teeth like you were a ravenous pit bull innocently playing with a toddler, to death
>She immediately lets out a cry of pain
>But you don't care, you've been pushed too far
>You're a straight up killa now that--Oh shit, she's bleeding
>You let go of her skin and emerge from the fluff, your eyes and nose still ticklish
>In a clearing haze, she emerges and is staring at you warily
>Little pools of bright red blood are soaking through her dampened white chest
>Jesus Christ, you actually bit her and drew blood, like you were insane or homeless or something
>You part your lips in an attempt to speak
>Your tongue is immediately coated in the musty iron flavor of blood, which drips down from your easing fangs
>Cringe as you swallow some down like thick mucus
>She still hasn't said anything
>She's just staring at you, like she's in shock
>You could probably be sent to a dungeon for biting her, maybe even a rape dungeon
>Maybe even a rape dungeon that has a phone in it
>Come to think of it that's probably what your personal hell would be like
>You really should try to defuse this mess you're in with the princess
>Okay, just tell her you were defending yourself
>No, wait, your eyes are still watery from the fluff!
I--Achoo!
>You sneeze on her
>Little drops of her own blood splatter all over her wide-eyed face
>Her eye twitches involuntarily
>Her nose wrinkles and her nostrils flare as she sniffs the drops of blood soaking her muzzle
>You swear you see her pupils dilate
>Then her intense gaze falls directly to you
>She regards you with a silent, glaring smile
>"You know, I lied to you earlier."
. . . Uh, yeah, no shit. I didn't know my compensation was going to only benefit you.
>She laughs
>"When I said that earlier, I didn't mean that you were the one who was going to compensated."
>Oh yeah, sure, of course
>Because nothing ever gets to work out in your favor as long as you're in horse land
>She touches her chest with the tip of her hoof and begins circling the bloody pool
>"All of this is your paying me back for all the attention that you gave my sister, which should have come to me."
>She removes her soaked hoof and boops you on the nose, leaving a little red dot on the tip
>She raises her bloody hoof up to her face, as though she were presenting something in the room
>"But what I lied about earlier, it had to do with the image I hold of myself."
>She examines her hoof for a moment, then licks her lips while eyeing it
>Oh God, she isn't . . .
>She locks eyes with you
>Then she licks her bloody hoof in one long slow lick, starting from the back of the tongue to the tiniest edge of its flicking tip
>She smacks her lips and moans
>"Better than cake."
>You instinctively spit out the awful taste that's gathered in your mouth
>She laughs at you again while you do it
>How does a race of cute technicolor ponies have so many crazies among them?
>And why do they keep finding you?!
>Her sticky red tongue circles her mouth, painting her lips like bloody lipstick
>"You see, I actually do consider myself a tyrant . . ."
>She bends down and forces a kiss on you, your sloppy bloody lips pushing against each other, your sticky tongues wrestling as spit and blood slide down your throat
>You turn your head and have a wet coughing fit when she parts from you
>She smiles and sighs in satisfaction
>". . . But it's only in the bedroom."
It's fitting, considering what I've seen from you.
>"You're in for a rough ride, sunshine. So find some things to enjoy about this while you can still think straight."
Whatever. You would not believe the things Fluttershy has put me through over the years. There's no way you can break me.
>She smiles, unaffected
>"You could at least tell me if I smell better than stale Moon Pies."
>Just then a lingering smell rises, and both you and Celestia find looks of recognition diffusing among each other
>"Do you--"
Ssh! Listen.
>It comes from a far corner of the room
>*Heavy Breathing*
>A dark hunched-over figure slowly emerges from the shadow between the couch and the corner of the wall
>Deep dark blue eyes, disheveled at the corners by stringy frazzled strands of dark blue mane, stare out at you from behind bloodshot rings
>Princess Luna appears with no look of apology or embarrassment, but rather a firm frown and a tired, unflinching gaze
>As you stare she raises and lowers her eyebrows, then sits down in the open and continues watching you expectantly
>You turn to Celestia
What is she doing here?
>"What are you doing here?!" Princess Celestia shouts at her.
>Luna rolls her eyes, then bites her bottom lip and reaches down between her legs
>*fapfapfapfapfap*
>Yeah, that's a sound you're sad to say you recognize
>And it already has that pulpy squishing sound that she usually doesn't get until the second time too
>"Luna, get out! This is private princess stuff!"
>Luna grimaces
>"Hey, I'm a princess too. So I should get to watch."
>"No. That's not how it works."
>"Whatever. You just want to exclude me. You're always trying to make me look like the least favorite."
>"Oh, please not this old line again."
>They soon start arguing
>Goddamn, the fucking floor has been cold on your backside this whole fucking time
>And having Celestia's fat ass pressing down on your sore ass isn't helping
>You wish to God that she would just rape you already and get it over with
>Compared to this, Fluttershy is paradise
>Hey wait, Fluttershy . . .
>This could be your trump card
>She can come save you from being raped!
>You take a deep breath
Fluttershy, threesomes are my fetish!
>Silence, and the princesses both stare at you as your words echo in the room
>You grin and wait in anticipation
Hah! You're done now, Molestia. Any second now Fluttershy is going to come in here and find you on top of me, and then you'll both be in deep shit.
>Your vote of confidence doesn't register with them
>The princesses share confused looks with each other
>After a moment you nod to yourself
Oh yeah, she's always stalking me, so there's no way she didn't hear me. You ought to leave before she gets here.
>Everyone glances both ways around the room
She's definitely coming, definitely . . . cooking something up.
>From the bathroom you hear some water leak out from the shower head and drench the floor
>Celestia rocks from side to side, adjusting her seat on top of you
>Luna sniffs her sticky hoof and licks the inside of her mouth
>She looks to Celestia
>"What are we doing?"
>"I don't know. I thought something was going to happen."
>"Well stop it. If I keep waiting I'm going to lose my mojo over here."
>"Oh, like you have anything but a sore wrist over there."
>You start to sweat
>Goddamn Fucking Fluttershy, why couldn't she be here the one time you actually wanted her to be?
>Celestia looks down at you with frank, lustrous eyes
>"Looks like you're stuck with just me then."
>"And me."
>"Luna, please don't start."
>"Fine."
>Your heart seizes as Celestia starts rubbing the sides of your legs with her big white thighs
>And then your ear focuses on a certain defeating sound
>It's the dial tone, coming from your phone, which lies right beside your head
>She notices
>"Oh, I guess we better take care of that."
>Using her magic, she lifts your hand up over the phone, eases your palm down onto its back, squeezes your fingers until you have a grip around its neck
>Then you pick it up and slowly ease the phone down onto the receiver, the mouthpiece rocking into place first, shortly followed by the falling earpiece
>*click*
>"That's better."
>Celestia looks down at you bluntly with hungry eyes
>"We wouldn't want anyone else to call and interrupt us now, would we?"
>You sigh
Don't worry. I know for a fact that they won't.
>"Then I guess we have the whole day to ourselves, don't we?"
>She nods for your answer
>Then she picks the phone up with her magic and starts rubbing it all over her bloody chest
>With intense eyes, she smiles in a certain way as she shows you the phone, now covered in dripping blood
>"And we're really going to rough it this time, which is just the way you want it to be, isn't it?"
>She bows her head down towards you
>"I'd like you and I to partake in a new sexual phenomenon I only just read about in the newspaper a few weeks back."
>You watch carefully as she lifts the phone over her shoulder and brings it down between your spread legs
>Hear her pick the phone up off the receiver
>. . .
>Oh God no!
>You give her a pleading look
Not that! Anything but that!
>She smirks, her eyes showing no sign of mercy or hope or compassion
>"I see you've heard of phone sex. Not surprising, considering you helped invent it."
>The dial tone rings out in your ears, the sound of your nightmares
Seriously, please don't. I already hurt my ass today.
>"Groveling already? You know we're only just getting start--"
>"Just shove it up his ass already."
>Celestia frowns severely at her sister
>"Would you please stop ruining this for me?!"
>"Uh, I don't know, would you please be good at sex?"
>They start glaring at each other
>Oh great, they're getting started with each other again
>"Like you'd even know anything about how to have good sex," Celestia says.
>"That's funny," Luna says, "cause your mom taught me."
>Luna pumps her hoof
>You look at the clock
>Celestia scoffs
>"Luna, that's your mom too!"
>"Hah, got you mad!"
>"You're being stupid."
>"Whatever. You're so mad right now."
>"Of course I'm mad, you're being an idiot."
>"Wow, you're really mad, huh?"
>Celestia turns red
>"Shut up!"
>"The princess of the sun, a real hothead."
>You sigh
>They both turn their dagger eyes on you in an instant
>"You got something you want to say?" Celestia says
>Shrug
I mean, I've been in a lot of rape situations thanks to Fluttershy, and I can tell you right now that you're losing me here.
>"Ha!" Luna says. "I knew you sucked, hothead."
>Celestia is seething
I'm just saying, usually Fluttershy is able to keep me engaged, but right now I'm just really bored.
>Celestia freezes, her scowl easing a bit
>The phone dials up
>'We're sorry, but your call cannot be completed as dialed.'
>She sighs
>"Yeah, you're right. The moment's ruined."
>"Knew it."
>Celestia rolls her eyes and gets up off of you
>"My apologies, but I'll have to try this again some other time--preferably without the peanut gallery present."
>Luna blows a raspberry
>Whatever, at least it's over
>Except your limbs are still being held down by magic
>Struggle a bit
Uh, you think you could let me up now . . . ?
>She doesn't answer
>See her staring curiously at the phone
>Gulp
Hey, you said the moment was ruined, so can you let me up now? Cause I can barely feel my ass.
>At the word ass, she perks up a bit
>Oh dear, maybe that was a mistake
>She hums questioningly as her eyes keep going from the phone to your waist
>She surrounds the phone in her aura and lifts it up
>Okay, maybe she's just going to hang it up
>See her spitting on it
>Maybe that's just to clean it
>She rubs her spit all over it
>"Okay," she says, pointing the phone at you, "I'm just going to give you one for the road."
>She positions herself over you
>You can panic now
>You start thrashing, trying in vain to break free
No! Don't do it, I just showered, for Christ's sake!
>She bows her head to you
>You feel her soft lips press on your cheek
>They make a sweet sound when she leaves, taking time to brush her muzzle against your skin
>You stare up at her soft smile, feeling confused
>"Affection shouldn't make you feel dirty."
>So many warm, confusing feelings tickle your upset stomach as you hear these words echo in her eyes
>Look down past her body and see a night-blue aura lifting the phone
>Luna's excited face fills your vision
>"But this should make you feel dirty!"
>Oh no
>"Don't clench!"
>'If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try aga--'
>Feel something big pierce your asshole and shove it's way up in your butt
>You open your mouth to scream, but there are only tears
>"Luna, why did you do that? We were have a nice moment."
>"Ha! You're just jealous I got more sex than you."
>"Yeah, for once."
>Celestia smirks
>Luna growls
>"What was that?"
>They get into it again
>Meanwhile you can feel your ass has started bleeding
>Having a phone stuck up your ass is just as bad as you imagined it
>Oh God, Fluttershy was right, you can feel the operator's voice vibrating inside you
>It's fucking horrible!
>You were not prepared for any of this
>And Celestia was wrong: affection should make you feel dirty
>Especially in horse land
>Never trust affection in horse land
>EVER!!!!

>Be laying on your side in bed
>It's three in the morning
>It hurts to move
>You can't sleep
>You wouldn't want to sleep even if you could
>The hospital gave you this stupid lime-green seat cushion for you to sit on
>It's about the size of one ass cheek because it's made for tiny colorful equines
>But if you don't use it you might accidentally tear the stitches that are in your ass
>Then you could bleed out and die
>That's why you're not going to use the seat, because you still have hope that you could die
>*ring ring*
>Wrench your eyes shut
>*ring ring*
>You slowly reach behind your back and pick up the phone
What?
>"Hello there."
>It's Fluttershy
>"How are you feeling?"
>She doesn't sound half as empathetic as she should be, so you don't answer her
>"It's okay if you, um, don't feel like talking. You can just listen to me, if you'd like."
>You grunt
>"So . . . are threesomes your fetish?"
Fuck you, Fluttershy.
>*click*

>*ring ring*
What is it this time?
>"Oh, you sound like you're in a bad mood."
It's three in the morning, you woke me up--I always sound like this.
>"M-Maybe you should try to find your happy place . . . ?"
Good thinking.
>*click*
>Now you can--
>*ring ring*
>Fuck she's gotten so fast at that you don't even get time to lie down anymore
>And with hooves no less!
Goddammit, what?!
>"I'm tired of you always hanging up on me when I call."
You're tired? You're tired! What about me?
>"I just wish you'd show me some more respect."
I wish you'd lose your voice.
>"I wish you'd come over right now and rut me like an animal."
I'm hanging up.
>"You better not."
Why? What are you going to do about it, faggot?
>"I-If you do then I'll . . ."
Goodby--
>"Then I'll divorce you!"
>Silence for a moment
Fluttershy, we're not married.
>She harrumphs
>"You don't know everything that I do involving our relationship."
>That's true
>But seriously, this mare didn't go ahead and marry herself to you without you somehow knowing
>Right?
I don't believe you. Goodbye.
>"Fine, go ahead and hang up on me. I'll definitely get the house, and my lawyer thinks she can even get me half of what you own back on your world as well."
>That . . . sounded a lot more confident than she usually ever sounds
>Oh please, get a grip
>You are not married to Fluttershy
>So she can't divorce you
>R-Right?
>"Yes, I can divorce you."
>Oh hell nah
>Can she read your mind?
>"Um, I can't read your mind, but I do know you very well. So I should probably add that there's, um, no way for you to know for sure if we're actually married or not."
>. . .
>Fuck everything
>She's right
>You groan
Fine, I won't hang up on you.
>"Yay! Stay there. I'm going to go get the novel I wrote that stars us."
>Sigh as you hear her put the phone down and trot away
>She may have you for tonight, but you are definitely checking in with town hall tomorrow about this whole marriage thing
>Man, she's not going to read your mind about that too, is she?
>You do not need this crazy pony messing with your records
>Nah, she couldn't do that
>R-R-Right?
>Hear what sounds like a dictionary being slammed down
>"Okay then, here's chapter one: A Flight of Fancy, an Orgasmic Human Cock!"
>. . . She wrote an erotic novel starring the two of you
>She would totally risk jail time in order to fool you into thinking you're married to her
>But she can't do that if you get to town hall first
>Hear her clearing her throat, which makes about as much noise as a mouse
>You gently place the phone down and ease out of bed
>Start tiptoeing to the door
>She begins:
>"The sweaty naked human came out from the sky and drove into the ground with enough force to shake the heavens and earth, much to the surprise of the beautiful pegasus nearby, who had secretly been masturbating among the enormous redwoods of the forbidden forest."
>Pause just before easing the door shut
>That opener . . . is actually decent
>Okay, wait, did you seriously just say that while knowing full well of the atrocities that await the unfortunate reader of her immoral text?
>Man, all her calls are starting to mess with your head
>Maybe if she didn't have to do it at fucking three in the Goddamn morning every fucking time!
>God, you are tired
>Slap yourself
>"Are you still there?"
>You freeze
Uh . . .
>". . . Said the dripping wet horny mare."
>Oh thank God
>She still thinks you're lying in bed, listening to her soothing voice read her degenerate text
>Man, bed would be so good for your tired eyes right now
>And she does have a nice voice, despite the horrible means in which she has used it in your presence over the years
>Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let go of your paranoid thoughts and listen to her
>"Because--if you think you're getting to town hall before me, you've got another thing coming, mister!"
>Wait, what?
>"Harry, get the night gear! We're going!"
>*click*
>Uh oh
>Turn on your heel and sprint down the hall
>Burst out into the cold night air, nothing on but your thin Wonderbolts pajamas
>As you sprint your nips stiffen, your balls shrink and your nose starts running--all of it happening beneath a cheap fabric covered in head shots of Dash's smug smile
>And you're yawning, most of the time running blind because your tired eyes can't stay open
>Soon your eyes don't open again
>You're somewhat aware that you're sleeprunning
>Whatever, just as long as it's in the right direction
>You crash into something, your nose flattening and making a crunching noise similar to lettuce breaking
>Fall backwards
>Smack your head against the ground
>You cover your nose with both hands as blood slides down your nasal passage and sticks to the bottom of your throat
>Curl up in the fetal position, moaning and groaning
>Man, the hospital is not going to be happy to be seeing you again so soon
>You force your swelling eyes open to see what you ran into
>It looks like a really tall tree
>Oh, wait, it's a telephone pole
>Of fucking course it'd be a telephone pole
>The only thought that's in your head as you pass out is that you wish you had stayed in bed
>What's the harm in letting her think she's married to you?
>After all, she's already crazy
>Oh man, she's probably going to be the one who'll find you
>Well, at least you'll be unconscious for most of the inappropriate touching
>You want to hang up on life
>Fucking Flutterwife