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LIFE WITH DERPY

Episode 1:

PILOT/MOVING DAY

By RadRoss

(special thanks to the MLP official and fan creative community)

EXT. Carrot’s Farmhouse

TWILGHT SPARKLE, a purple Unicorn and APPLEJACK, an orange Earth pony slowly trot up the walkway to CARROT TOP’s (a light yellow Earth pony with a bright orange mane) front door.  TWILIGHT is using her Unicorn magic to transport a small cardboard box while APPLEJACK has a much larger box on her back, the strain of its weight showing on her face.  CARROT TOP is standing at her front door arranging other boxes on her stoop with her nose.

TWILGHT

Carrot Top!  You are so nice to let Ditzy Doo and her daughter stay with you!

TWILIGHT sets her box down gently

CARROT

Oh, well, that loft above the Post Office is just too small for the both of them,

and its gets so quiet way out here all by myself.

APPLEJACK grunts as she lets her box slide off her back and on to the ground

APPLEJACK

Oh, with those two, I reckon your days of peace and

quiet are just about done.  I wish you good luck…

Suddenly the large and small boxes burst open, reveling DITZY DOO, a gray Pegasus pony with a blond mane a peculiar set of crossed eyes and DINKY DOO, her daughter, a tiny Unicorn pony with the same blond mane but a darker, blueish-gray coat.

DITZY and DINKY

SURPRISE!

The mother and daughter pair then together dissolve into a fit of manic giggles at their little prank.  The other ponies stare at them agape, if anyone couldn’t tell that they were parent and child, they’d swear they were both giggly little school girls.

APPLEJACK

…you’re going to need it.

Fade to black

OPENING THEME

When you see the world with two crossed eyes,

Each day brings a fun surprise!

While she may not be that smart,

It won’t be long until she crosses your heart!

You might question her sanity,

But before you know it you’ll be family!

It’s Life With Derpy!

ACT 1

EXT. CARROT’S farmhouse, morning (establishing)

ANNOUNCER

Life With Derpy is filmed before a live studio audience.

INT. Living Room

CARROT is pointed up the stairs with her nose, her back turned to her new housemates.

CARROT

Ditz, your room is the first door on the left, and sweetie,

your new bedroom is right across from your mommy’s…

A loud crashing sound interrupts her. Turing around, DITZY is seen tangled in a light fixture hanging from the ceiling.  DINKY is concentrating on holding a wooden disk aloft with her unicorn magic, but intermittent laughter at her mom’s situation is causing her focus to falter.

CARROT

What?  What’s going on!

DINKY

Mom and I are playing catch.  I fling the disk in the air with my magic

and mommy catches it.  It’s great practice!

DITZY pulls her head out from between two candle holders with a soft pop.

DITZY

For both of us!

CARROT

But…but you can’t do it inside!

DINKY

We always did it inside back in the loft!

CARROT

Well it’s not as big here, you can’t!

DITZY frees her last hoof, but the effort pulls her off balance and she falls to the floor with a loud thud, but pop rights back up.  She shakes off the crash, but her eyes still settle in their usual positions.

DITZY

But, K-K, we moved in because it was bigger!

CARROT begins to shake her head back and forth, then up and down to try to indicate the room’s dimensions

CARROT

It’s not…I mean it is!  It’s bigger, just not, you know, taller!

DINKY keeps following CARROT’S head with her own, until her concentration breaks, dropping the disk on CARROT’S head with a loud bonk.  She sees stars and passes out.

Fade to Black

ACT 2

INT. Foyer, the next morning.

DITZY hefts her mail saddlebags onto her back, clearly they are very heavy.

CARROT

Ditzy, why don’t you leave that bag at the Post Office,

you don’t need to lug it all the way back here,

if you are going there first anyway.

DITZY stares at CARROT, her wheels turning.  Just when one would think she’s completely lost, finally, it clicks.

DITZY

Ah, I get ‘cha!

DITZY then bursts though the front door and takes off into the sky.  CARROT trots outside after her a bit, and sees DINKY staring intently at a small plant in CARROT's garden

DINKY

Auntie Carrot, whats this?

CARROT

That's a carrot plant dear.

DINKY

(moving on)

WOW!  What about this?

CARROT

That's also a carrot, dear.

DINKY

WOW!  What about this one?

CARROT

That's a carrot too....this...is a carrot patch.

DINKY

Really?  What about....

CARROT

(sighs)

they are all carrots!

DINKY

(a beat)

oh...how about this one!

CARROT

(trying not to yell)

I don't know, what do you think?

DITZY

(suddenly)

They are carrots K-K, didn't you plant them all?

CARROT

Wha?  What are you doing back?

DITZY digs into her mail pouch with her mouth and picks out a letter.

DITZY

Mail for you!

CARROT

Oh, you know you can delver to my, our, house last,

it'll be easier then going all the way there,

and all the way back here first thing...you understand?

Again DITZY just stares at CARROT before 'understanding.'

DITZY

Ah!  Gotcha, good idea K-K!

DITZY takes off again, without giving CARROT her letter.

CARROT

...but you could of...

DINKY

Auntie K?

CARROT

(without looking)

It's a carrot plant, dear.

EXT. CARROT’S farmhouse, early evening (establishing)

INT. Living Room

DITZY

I'm back!

DINKY

(runs for a hug)

Mommy!

CARROT

(a little stressed)

Welcome back...how was your day?

DITZY

(Happily)

Great! I think your advice is going to help a lot!

CARROT

That's good, so, do you have my letter?

DITZY

Nope

CARROT

What?

DITZY

It's in my bag.

CARROT

(sighs)

And your bag is...

DITZY

I did what you said,

and left it at the Post Office!

CARROT stares at DITZY until it sinks in.

DITZY

(sadly)

…I'm not a clever pony.

FADE TO BLACK

ACT 3

EXT. Carrot Patch, the next morning.

CARROT TOP is watering her garden, wincing occasionally as she hears crashes coming from inside her house.

CARROT

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea

Out of absolutely nowhere, PINKIE PIE, a pink-on-pink Earth pony appears

PINKIE PIE

(cheerfully, as always)

What wasn't?

CARROT

(not surprised)

Oh, hi Pinkie.

Having the two of them stay at my house

PINKIE PIE

They are kinda wild, huh?

CARROT

That's putting it mildly.

PINKIE PIE

And if they were gone, it would be quiet.

Just you all by yourself.

CARROT

Yup.

PINKIE PIE

All alone, everyday.

CARROT

Yup.

PINKIE PIE

But isn't that why you wanted your friend to stay?

CARROT

(thinks it over, smiles)

You're right!

CARROT runs off towards the house.

PINKIE PIE

Okie-Dokie-Loki!

PINKIE PIE bounds off.

INT. Living Room

CARROT bursts in, freezing DITZY and DINKIE mid game of catch, the pair of them brace themselves to be yelled at.

CARROT

HEY!

CARROT leaps up and grabs the flowing disk in her mouth, a big smile on her face.

CARROT

Let's go outside, I'll show you two how it's done!

DITZY and DINKY

Yay!

Fade to black

CLOSING THEME

Your life will never be the same,

but you'll be happy to take the blame!

It’s Life With Derpy!

LIFE WITH DERPY

Episode 2:

DOO'S AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS

By RadRoss

(special thanks to the MLP official and fan creative community)

EXT. Carrot’s Farmhouse, Night (establishing)

It's a very blustery night, the wind whipping through the trees and even disturbing the tiny carrot plants in CARROT TOP'S garden. The old farmhouse is creaking under the strain.

INT. Dinky's Room

Tiny unicorn pony DINKY DOO is huddled in bed, wide-awake and freaked out. Her little horn glows brighter with every creaking noise until a particularly loud sound is the tipping point and her room is filled with a brilliant flash of blue-gray light.

DINKY

Mommy!!!

Seconds later, her mother, DITZY DOO, bursts into the room, flying in from her room across the hall. Dinky's inadvertent magic has, save for the bed, inverted all the furniture in the room.

DITZY

Muffin! Are you alright?

DINKY

Mommy, there are ghosts, I'm scared.

DITZY nuzzles her daughter.

DITZY

Don't worry Muffin, nothing is going to scare you while your mom is here!

A bleary-eyed CARROT TOP pokes her head in the door, she's wearing an elaborate dental retainer on her face, complete with straps and wires and in the low light, it’s quite a vision.

CARROT

(yawning)

Is everything all right in here?

DITZY and DINKY

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Smash Cut to EXT. Carrot’s Farmhouse, Night

From outside, the window of Dinky's room flashes with a blue-gray light and crashing sounds.

CARROT (voice over)

Ow.

OPENING THEME

When you see the world with two crossed eyes,

Each day brings a fun surprise!

While she may not be that smart,

It won’t be long until she crosses your heart!

You might question her sanity,

But before you know it you’ll be family!

It’s Life With Derpy!

ACT 1

EXT. CARROT’S farmhouse, morning (establishing)

ANNOUCER

Life With Derpy is filmed before a live studio audience.

EXT. Slow Push-In to the front porch

CARROT pushes open the front door, she has a large bump on her head and a toothbrush in her mouth, DITZY follows, her crossed eyes a bit droopy.

CARROT

You going to be okay to fly today?

You were up all night with Dinky.

DITZY

(yawns)

No problem, K-K!

CARROT

(with trepidation)

Ok…you be careful out there.

DITZY stretches out her wings, shakes some sleep from her eyes and flies away, perhaps a little slower and more haphazard as usual.

CARROT

Ponyville, you be careful today too.

CARROT walks back inside and we hear her voice from the porch.

CARROT (voice over)

Dinky, honey, do you know where we left the

first aid kit and that box of apology cards?

Fade Out

EXT. CARROT’S farmhouse, night (establishing)

INT. Upstairs Hallway

DITZY is marching back and forth in front of DINKY’s open door, with a broom under one wing, like a sentry. She looks tired, but she’s concentrating on her little patrol and on not making too much noise as she marches. CARROT TOP stands at the top of the stairs (one end of the patrol route) and has to duck every few seconds to keep DITZY’s broom from whacking her in the face.

CARROT

(ducks broom)

Ditz, you look exhausted. Please get some sleep.

DITZY

I can’t, my little Muffin needs me.

CARROT

(sympathetic, ducks broom)

I know dear, but you can’t keep this up.

DITZY, passing the open door, peeks in. With her crossed eyes, a simply sidelong glace requires some serious neck contortions.

CUT TO: INT: DINKY’S room. The tiny unicorn is fast asleep; it’s possibly the cutest thing in the entire universe.

DITZY (VO)

(whispering even lower)

Just look at her now, and she was so scared.

INT. Upstairs Hallway, con't

DITZY continues her march.

CARROT

(ducks broom)

I guess…I guess I don’t know how tough it is to see your child upset.

(ducks broom)

But you can’t go on forever like this.

(ducks broom)

You’ll have to teach her someday that there is not such thing as ghosts

(ducks broom)

…uhhh, you do know there is not such thing as ghosts…right, Ditz?

DITZY stops in front of CARROT, a long moment passes. The wheels are turning inside Ditzy’s head.

DITZY

(semi-convincingly)

…of course.

But she's so little, I want her to stay that way for a little longer.

DITZY continues marching

CARROT

(on her soap box now, head held high)

I’m sorry Ditz, but I have to say that this is just not healthy for...

CARROT’s little sermon has thrown off her timing, and DITZY’s broom smacks her right in the face, causing her to tumble down the stairs. CARROT lands in a heap on the landing.

CARROT

OW!

DITZY

(nodding towards DINKY's room)

Shhhh!

CARROT

(softly)

ow.

Fade to black

ACT 2

EXT. Carrot Patch, day.

CARROT TOP is poking around in her garden as DINKY chases butterflies around. CARROT'S got a bandage on her left front leg and a brace on her neck to accompany the bump on her head. She's trying to work, but she's craning her sore neck towards Ponyville,wary of disaster. The faint sound of crashes and what might be a tornado siren can be heard in the distance.

CARROT

(to herself)

Everything will be fine. What's the worst that could happen?

RAINBOW DASH (VO)

Carrot Top!

Zooming in from the direction of Ponyville is RAINBOW DASH, a sky blue Pegasus with a rainbow colored mane and tail. RAINBOW DASH is impatience personified, and she's especially agitated right now. She comes to a stop above CARROT TOP, and she will never touch the ground.

RAINBOW DASH

Carrot! You need to do something about that f...

Before she can use her usual pejorative concerning DITZY (feather brain), CARROT shoots her a look and nods her head towards DINKY.

RAINBOW DASH

(trying to correct herself, and is overly proud of her correction)

fffffffriend of yours!

CARROT

What is it?

RAINBOW DASH

Gah! She is sleep-flying all over the place!

Smash Cut to INT. PRINCESS CELESTIA'S Throne Room, Day.

DITZY is fast asleep but still airborne and flying in lazy circles around the throne room. Every once in awhile another letter drops out of her bag and onto PRINCESS CELESTIA'S head.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

(to her guards)

This is why I use dragons.

EXT. Carrot Patch, day, con't

CARROT

Can't you just wake her up?

RAINBOW DASH

Grrrr. No. Twilight read in one of her...books that it's not safe to wake a sleep-flying pony. She says Ditzy will eventually wake up on her own and come back here!

CARROT

What am I supposed to do?

RAINBOW DASH

(exasperated)

Gah! How am I supposed to know?

RAINBOW DASH and CARROT TOP state at each other for a long moment, CARROT is thinking hard, but it's clear that every passing moment when RAINBOW DASH isn't flying somewhere as fast as she can is pure agony.

CARROT TOP

Ah-ha, I've got it! Rainbow, this is what we have to do...

Fade to black

ACT 3

EXT. Carrot’s Farmhouse, Night (establishing)

INT. CARROT's room, Night.

CARROT peeks out her door and into the hallway. DITZY is outside, pacing softly, a broom under her arm, just like last night. CARROT tip-hooves over her bedroom window, gently opens it and waves her arm.

EXT. Above CARROT's Farmhouse, Night

RAINBOW DASH and every Pegasus pony in Ponyville are hovering over CARROT's house, at the signal, they all begin to flap their wings in rhythm, quickly creating a wind similar to the one seen the other night. CARROT's Farmhouse begins to creak. CARROT peeks out her door again, and when the sparks appear from DINKY'S room, she throws a sheet over her head and enters the hallway.

INT. DINKY's room, Night.

DITZY is trying to calm down a fearful DINKY, who's horn is sparking.

DITZY

Don't worry Muffin, there's nothing that will hurt you while your mom's here.

Suddenly CARROT TOP appears, the sheet over her head and acting like a 'ghost.'

CARROT

ooooooOOOooooooo!!

DINKY'S horn flashes with blue-gray light, upending the room and everyone in it. DITZY rights herself in mid-air and beings to chase CARROT with her patrol broom.

INT. Farmhouse Living Room, Night.

DITZY chases the disguised CARROT, hitting her with the broom until she stumbles out the front door. DITZY slams it after her.

EXT. Carrot Patch, Night.

RAINBOW DASH swoops down and helps CARROT get the sheet off her head. CARROT looks even worse, with a black eye and a fat lip.

RAINBOW DASH

Do you think that did it?

CARROT

By Celestia, I hope so.

RAINBOW DASH signals to her team of Pegasus and they carry CARROT into her room though the open window before they all fly off.

INT. CARROT's room, Night.

CARROT stumbles into her room, falling on her face.

CARROT

(muttering to herself)

'Not a clever pony,' be she sure is stronger then she looks.

CARROT limps to her bed, but stops short, there is a note there. She nudges it open with her nose, it says “Thanks” in DITZY's characteristic scribble, and is signed with a little sketch of a cross-eyes pony's face. CARROT smiles, but the pain causes her to wince.

INT. DINKY's room, Night.

DINKY is curled up beside DITZY, both are fast asleep.

Fade to black

CLOSING THEME

Your life will never be the same,

but you'll be happy to take the blame!

It’s Life With Derpy!

LIFE WITH DERPY

Episode 3:

GENTLECOLTS PREFER BLONDS

By RadRoss

(special thanks to the MLP official and fan creative community)

EXT. Ponyville Town Square. Morning (establishing)

The large public square in front of Ponyville City Hall is filled with ponies setting up small tables in preparation for a bake sale.  As the camera zooms in, CARROT TOP and DITZY DOO have just finished setting up their table, complete with a fresh batch of twelve carrot cake muffins, when a tried looking LYRA, a bright green unicorn pony, and an eager, sarcastic BON BON, a cream-colored earth pony with a dark blue and pink mane trot up.

BON BON

Carrot!  How are you?  I just knew you’d be here bright and early.

(to her companion)

I could hardly get this one up and off the couch!

LYRA shoots BON BON a snide, bemused look.

CARROT

Oh, you know me; just I love to bake so I’ll take any excuse,

especially if it helps after those awful bugs almost ate the town.

As the trio’s conversation continues, DITZY nods along as if she is paying attention, but all along she has one cocked eye on the plate of warm muffins just under her nose.  With careful timing, again and again during this scene, DITZY will dart her head down and swallow a muffin whole, experiencing a moment of pure bliss, then sharp panic at what she has done.  Hurriedly she’ll rearrange the remaining muffins to hide the loss, breathe a sigh of relief that she got away with it…and then start the process all over again.  Looking on, tiny DINKY DOO will giggle madly at her mother’s antics the whole time

BON BON

Such a tragedy, Cheerilee has been beside herself ever since the school was destroyed.

CARROT

I can’t believe those little bugs did so much damage!

LYRA

(yawning)

I can’t believe Pinkie Pie’s “music” didn’t just drive them into a greater frenzy!

BON BON

(teasing)

Oh, don’t mind her. Somepony is a bit jealous.

LYRA

(rising to the bait)

Jealous?  Me? I’m merely pointing out that I could throw my harp down a flight of stairs and produce a better sound than that.

CARROT

Now, now, the important thing is that those things are gone, and are not coming back.

LYRA

(boastfully)

And if they do, the Mayre put me in charge of the defense of Ponyville!

Musical defense against Parasprites, anyway.

CARROT

You, dear?  Please now, don’t take this the wrong way,

but what about Pinkie Pie? Was she ok with that?

BON BON

Well, the Mayre thought, and I agree, that when it comes to putting the fate of the town solely into any one particular pony’s hooves again, it’s best not to press our luck.

CARROT, LYRA and BON BON share grim, knowing nods at that prospect.

BON BON

Do you understand?

LYRA

(confidently)

I get it completely.

CARROT

(sympathetically)

Yes.

PINKIE PIE

(out of nowhere)

Abso-tivly-lutely!

PINKIE PIE bounds off, unoffended/oblivious and cheerful as ever. Meanwhile, DITZY has eaten the second to last muffin and pushes the last one around on the plate, but there is no amount of rearranging in the pony-verse that will make that one muffin look like twelve.

BON BON

(recovering from the shock at PINKIE’s sudden arrival and departure)

Well, that was…

LYRA

Pinkie Pie, through and through.

BON BON

Hmmmm, yes.  Ok now, we’re going to walk around a bit more.

(glances at DITZY, smiles slyly)

I can’t wait to see what you are going to bring!  Let’s go Lyra.

LYRA

See you later.

BON BON and LYRA trot off.

CARROT

(confused)

What do you mean? I have twelve…

CARROT turns finally to see DITZY, face covered in crumbs, standing over one solitary muffin on an otherwise empty plate.

CARROT

Ditzy!

DITZY stands with a big innocent grin of her face, while CARROT gives her a fuming look.  This goes on for a long moment, until the temptation becomes irresistible and DITZY starts moving almost imperceptibly slowly towards the last muffin.  The whole time DITZY doesn’t take at least one eye off CARROT either.

CARROT

You know I can see you moving, right?

Ditzabeth Eleanor Doo! Don’t you dare eat that!

Long seconds pass, and despite the intensity of CARROT’s death-glare, DITZY very gradually closes all the way in, slowly opens her mouth, bites and swallows the last muffin.

DITZY

(with full, smiling mouth)

Mmmmmmm!  Muffins!

CARROT

(lets out a deep, fatalistic sigh and hangs her head)

All right, let’s go get you a glass of milk.

Fade to black.

OPENING THEME

When you see the world with two crossed eyes,

Each day brings a fun surprise!

While she may not be that smart,

It won’t be long until she crosses your heart!

You might question her sanity,

But before you know it you’ll be family!

It’s Life With Derpy!

ANNOUNCER

Life With Derpy is filmed before a live studio audience.

ACT 1

EXT. Ponyville Town Square. Later that same day

CARROT TOP and DITZY DOO are trotting by the various tables and stalls that make up the bake sale.  DITZY has a ‘foam dome’ style hat on, though one designed for bottles of milk instead of beer, and is sipping at them through a long straw with a contented look of her face.  DINKY is perched on her mother’s back, chomping at a peanut butter treat that is too gooey and sticky for the young pony’s mouth.

DITZY

…and that’s why muffins are the perfect food.

CARROT

(honestly)

Wow, I had no idea.  You’ve given me a lot to think about there, Ditz.

DITZY

Muffin awareness is essential.

DITZY takes a sip and then nudges the straw back towards DINKY who happily takes a draw to help relive her almost sealed-shut mouth.

CARROT

Well, at least now we can get a chance to check out the other tables,

but I have to be careful, my flanks don’t stay planks like yours do.

DITZY quickly shuffles her head around, almost dislodging DINKY, who starts to slip off, to try to look at her sides.

CARROT

What I mean is that all that flying you do keeps you in shape, gardening on the other hand…

CARROT nudges DINKY onto her own, more steady, back.  It’s here that CARROT notices something that we can’t see.

CARROT

…involves a lot of sitting around and waiting…which isn’t…

Hey, don’t look now, Ditz, I think somepony is checking you out!

DITZY

Out of what?

CARROT

I mean he has his eye on you, wait a second…

yeah, it’s you all right…ok look, right over there.

CARROT bobs her head over towards a crowd of ponies.

EXT. Ponyville Town Square. Reverse Angle

We see a mess of ponies all standing around, it’s unclear who CARROT is talking about.

EXT. Ponyville Town Square. (Con’t)

DITZY

I don’t see…

CARROT bobs harder, but it’s clear that DITZY isn’t seeing whom CARROT is seeing.

CARROT

Right there.

CARROT points with a hoof, but the large limb plus the different perspective keeps her from clearly identifying the pony in question.

DITZY

Nope.

Slightly annoyed now, CARROT gets really close to DITZY and points the gray pony’s head right at her target by grapping DITZY’s head with both hooves.  A beat later she remembers who she is dealing with and swings DITZY’s head around towards her, chooses one of DITZY’s crossed eyes, and now with DITZY head pulled down and to the side in a virtual headlock, CARROT points one yellow eye at the distant pony in question with one front hoof and points off into the distance with the other.

CARROT

There!

DINKY, getting in on the fun and laughing all the while, climbs up CARROT’s neck and balances her hooves carefully between CARROT’s head and the now partially dislodged ‘foam dome’ helmet on DITZY’s head.  With them all tangled with each other and off balance, it isn’t long until they all collapse in a dusty heap, attracting the attention of everypony in the square.

CARROT

(embarrassed)

uhhhh…and…that’s how you perform the Salt-lich maneuver!

Fade To Black

ACT 2

EXT. Carousel Boutique (establishing). Day

INT. Carousel Boutique. Day

The bell over the Carousel Boutique shop door tinkles as CARROT TOP drags DITZY DOO inside.  The shop is empty, save for its owner, RARITY, a white unicorn with a deep purple mane.  RARITY is standing by her raised modeling platform, a piece of chalk behind her ear, her red framed work glasses on and a tape measure around her neck, awaiting her client.

DITZY

I don’t know if this is a good idea K-K…

CARROT

Why? Oh don’t be silly, or at least be a little less silly, Ditz.

You’ll have a good time. This will be fun!

RARITY

Ah, good morning ladies, please be so gracious as to forgive us this mess, we are still recovering from the recent…unpleasantness.

The Carousel Boutique is sparse but immaculate, and while CARROT TOP recognizes RARITY’s embellishments, DITZY DOO begins to actively search for the invisible assistant ponies until being distracted further by a basket of loose gems on a nearby countertop.

CARROT

Thank you for seeing us on such short notice Rarity,

this is all coming together rather fast.

RARITY

Nonsense darling, these are the challenges that a true fashionista positively lives for.

(to DITZY)

Now my dear, if you please,

stand over here on the platform where we can get a good look at you.

DITZY is seeing things in the gemstones that perhaps nopony ever has and didn’t hear a thing.  RARITY begins to clear her throat in bid for attention, first softly and lady-like, then louder and louder until it sounds like a particularly aggressive avalanche is occurring in her throat.  Finally she uses her unicorn magic to levitate the box of gems towards her, DITZY follows, enraptured until she stumbles up and onto the platform, breaking the spell. RARITY lowers the box onto a stool next to her and DITZY looks trapped on the top of the platform. RARITY begins measuring the gray pony.

RARITY

Lets see now, hmmmmm. A blind date, is it?

CARROT

Yes.

RARITY

Ah, romance and mystery!

(aside to herself)

Lots of mystery in this case.

(to the pair)

Ooh, I am so excited, please, please, pleeeease give us a hint!

CARROT

Well, I guess it isn’t too much of a giveaway if I say that it’s one of Applejack’s cousins.

DITZY rears back out of RARITY reach.

DITZY

(freaked out)

Oh, no-no-no-no-no.

CARROT

W-what’s wrong Ditz? Got something against the Apple clan?

DITZY

(relaxing a little)

Oh no, I like the Apples-es-s, and that yummy fruit they invented!

RARITY and CARROT TOP exchange sideways glances, but wordlessly agree to let that one go.

DITZY

(continued)

It’s just that I always heard you’re not supposed to get involved with cousins!

RARITY

(sigh)

That’s just your own cousin, Dearie.

DITZY

(realizing)

Oh…OH!  …I’m not a clever pony.

RARITY

Perhaps, but that doesn't mean you can’t look fabulous!

Now I don’t have much left that hasn’t been…chewed on. However!

RARITY trots off to a distant rack of dresses.  DITZY sizes the opportunity to stare directly into the lights around the small platform, get disorientated, stumble off the small platform with a soft thud and finally pop up again with a goofy look on her face.

RARITY

(speaking loudly from across the room)

I think I have just the thing that will guarantee to get the evening off to a great start!

CARROT

(sounding suddenly nervous)

And after that?

RARITY

I can only set the stage my dear, the performance is up to you….

RARITY trots back with a light blue dress suspended in the air with her magic.  She looks to the dazed DITZY over her red-framed work glasses with a suspicious look.

RARITY

…well, up to her.

Fade to black

ACT 3

EXT. Ponyville Restaurant, Evening (establishing)

The camera pushes in to reveal that DITZY DOO’s date for the night is CARAMEL of the Apple Clan, a caramel colored Earth pony with a dark brown mane.  DITZY’s dress is a simple but elegant light blue off-the-shoulder number, while CARAMEL is wearing a bright green tie that clashes badly and is poorly tied.  CARAMEL, visibly nervous, pulls out DITZY’s stool for her, and then takes his place on the other side of the table.  Once he is seated, it is revealed that unbeknownst to the couple, CARROT TOP is sitting behind them, her back to CARAMEL at a nearby table.  Despite the fact that it is getting dark, CARROT is wearing sunglasses and a large hat in an attempt at disguise.  To complete the ruse, she is accompanied by DINKY, who is joyfully munching on a plate of hay-fries, and is also disguised by a very large hat (one of CARROT’s, so it doesn’t fit her horned head properly) and an oversized pair of sunglasses.  The effect is adorable.

CARROT

(to an oblivious DINKY)

Oh, Dearie, I don’t think it’s going very well, they’re just staring at each other!

(beat)

Well I think Ditzy is staring at him.  I have to do something…right?

DINKY remains oblivious, but gives a little yawn, it’s getting late for her.

CARROT

I have to, no, I shouldn’t, well, maybe just a little.

Yes, just a little help can’t hurt…but how?

CARROT spots a waitress pony trotting sprightly to DITZY and CARAMEL’s table and her face lights up with a idea.  Darting from her table, CARROT hip-checks the waitress pony, sending her flying and CARROT snatches out of the air an order pad, pen and apron.  Now dressed as a waitress, albeit one wearing a hat and sunglasses in the dark, CARROT approaches the couple’s table.

CARROT

(affecting a terrible “French” accent)

Good evening, and what a fine evening it is, no?

DITZY

Hi there, K-K!

CARROT

(shocked that she’s been found out)

Oh no, no, no, mademoiselle, you are mistaken my name is…uhhhh

…Car..araway Seed, Caraway Seed, yes. That’s it.

CARROT quickly and painfully darkens the carrots on her cutie mark until they don’t resemble carrots, or anything else really.

DITZY

Oh, sorry!

CARROT

Are you two a cute couple?

(to CARAMEL)

Doesn’t she look lovely tonight?

CARAMEL

(nervous/scared)

I…I…

CARROT

Oh course she does, why don’t you tell her?

CARAMEL

Ok, y-you look….nice.

DITZY

Thanks!

CARROT

And you young lady, what a handsome colt you’ve got here, aren’t you curious to know more about him?

CARAMEL is visibly confused now and is on the verge of panic.

DITZY

I am? …am I?

CARROT

(breaking character, not that DITZY notices)

Yes, and yes.

DITZY

Thanks, I wasn’t sure.  I thought I was, but I know that sometimes I shouldn’t believe me,

at least I think I know I shouldn’t… wait, where was I?

CARROT

You were about to ask him …

DITZY

Right! I remember now!

(to CARAMEL)

Who are you?

CARROT sighs softly to herself.

CARAMEL

(panicking)

What’s going on? I don’t even know what I’m doing here!

CARROT

(a tad indigent)

You’re on a date! With her!

CARAMEL

A date?

CARROT

(at full indigent)

Yeah, I saw you checking out my friend at the bake sale today,

so I set you up on a date, you are WELCOME, by the way.

CARAMEL

(sweating)

Checking out?  N-no, I j-just wanted to know where she got that milk she was drinking, I swear.

CARROT

(flipping out)

WHAT?  That’s it?  Why didn’t you just say so?

CARAMEL

I wanted to, but then you started to state at me and I got scared…kinda like I am now.

CARROT just peers over she sunglasses angrily at CARAMEL

CARAMEL

(meekly)

C-can I go now?

CARROT

(coldly)

Yes.

CARAMEL dashes off.  It’s quiet for a moment, then CARROT goes back to her table, picks up a dozing DINKY by the scruff of her neck and places the tiny unicorn pony gently on DITZY’s table before sitting down herself.  DITZY just stares blankly at CARROT the whole time.

CARROT

Ditz, it really is me, Carrot.

(CARROT shakes off her hat and sunglasses)

DITZY

(Realizing)

Oh!  Hi there, K-K!

CARROT

I’m sorry about this, I guess sometimes I’m not a clever pony either.

DITZY

It’s ok.  I had fun.

CARROT

Good, I’m glad...now, how about some dessert?

DITZY

Muffins?

CARROT

Why not…now where is that waitress?

The camera pans over to the unconscious server lying in a heap near the table.

CARROT

(off-screen)

Oops, ummm, remind me to leave a big tip.

Fade to black

CLOSING THEME

Your life will never be the same,

but you'll be happy to take the blame!

It’s Life With Derpy!

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