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A Bad Case of Derpes

Written by Tooney D

January 7

“Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, I learned that you should never jump to conclusions, and that things might not always be as they appear.  When I first thought Fluttershy’s parents were really mean to us, it turns out they were just worried about their daughter being in a place like Ponyville all by herself…and lets face it, this isn’t the safest of places, considering the amount of monsters that come in, like Ursas, Hydras, Manticores….but I’m getting off topic, so I’ll just end with a summary, ‘Don’t jump to conclusions when you have no idea what’s going on.’

Your Faithful Student

~Derpy Hooves~ “

Celestia looked at the soggy note with a look of confusion on her face.  This was the third strange letter she’d gotten this month from Ponyville. It was easily written by someone who wasn’t well in the head, for it was covered in what appeared to be some sort of batter…muffin batter, maybe?  After scraping away the goop, she realized that it was written not only on cheap lined paper, but in crayon, in a nearly unreadable language (what you read above was the translated version:  the true letter contained more numbers then actual letters).  The words she could make out, however, seemed to remind her way too much of a letter from Twilight.  Was this just a letter from her young apprentice that was sabotaged by this “Derpy Hooves”?  Second, what did the saboteur have against Twilight, calling her such a hateful name as “Derpy Hooves”?  In Equestria, that was quite the insult.  In days of old, men would usually duel to the death if one called another a derpy hoof.  And why hadn’t Twilight given the letter to Spike?  Was he alright?  Was Twilight herself alright?!  Questions bounced around the princess’s brain as she decided to go to Ponyville, just to make sure everything was alright.

~O~

Janurary 3

About four days earlier, Twilight Sparkle was on her way to the home of one of Ponyville’s…less-than-desirable citizens.  On her back was a satchel filled with teaching materials for baby fillies, some of which Dash even warned may be too advanced for the pony she was headed to.  On her head was a football helmet, worn just so she can avoid any more injuries like the last time she met the gray pegasus.  She saw the house belonging to the pony, and she was quite surprised.  The house appeared rather…menacing, for some reason.  All around it were freaky junk-statues made out of shiny objects, mainly silverware.  She noticed a few statues that looked like her and her friends, spoons for eyes and mops for manes and tails.  Twilight gulped, wondering why she even agreed to go teach this outcast of a pony.  And then she remembered…about a week ago, they were planning Pinkie Pie’s biggest party yet, to celebrate the Longest Night of the Year, in celebration of Princess Luna…

“Its gunna be SOOOOO super cool!  We’re gunna have Scratch as the DJ, Mr. and Mrs. Cake doing the buffet, we’re gunna get Blue’s and his band to do a live performance for us at midnight, we’re gunnna play super-fun-tabulous extra-stupendous games like Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Pony, and best of all the local town sculptors said they would build us our very own fountain!  THAT USES SASPARILLA INSTEAD OF WATER!”  The little pink earthpony giggled and rolled on the ground, giddier then a gopher, as she would say.

“And don’t forget you have Ponyville’s premiere expert on beauty working on the decorations for the party, darling~.”  Rarity smiled, already planning the details in her head.  It would be like she took one of her amazing dresses and made a room dedicated to it~!  Simply fabulous~!

Twilight smiled.  “And I’ve got invitations, correct?”

Pinkie nodded.  “Be sure to hand one out to EVERY single pony this side of Canterlot!”  She put a hoof up to her chin and thought for a bit… “…You know what, invite Canterlot too!”

Everyone agreed on it…except for Applejack, who looked over at Pinkie, “Um, ‘cept fer y’all-know-who, correct?”

Pinkie looked over at Applejack with a bit of disappointment.  “But AJ!  I love li’l Ditzy!  She always so cute when she’s happy!”

Twilight was a little confused… “Ditzy?”  She had lived in Ponyville for about a year now, and she THOUGHT she knew everyone living there, but she never seemed to meet a pony named Ditzy. “Who’s Ditzy?”

“She’s the doofus who went north to get the southern birds at the Winter Wrap-Up, and the one who crashed into the crowd during the best young fliers competition, delaying the competition and making me have to perform with Rarity in the final round,”  Dash said with a grunt.

“…Don’t you mean Derpy Hooves?” Twilight looked confused.

Pinkie gasped, “Twilight!  Shame on you!  Don’t you know that’s a super-de-duper-de bad name to call somepony!”

“…But she calls herself that…I thought that was her actual name!”

Applejack sighed, “Lis’n, Ditzy Doo lives up t’er name…she aint the smartest pony in all the world, and has this weird brain-defunction thingamajig…gets made fun of a lot fer it…since everypony start’d callin’ her Derpy, she thought it was ‘er actual name, so she adopted it s’er own.”

“…That’s awful…poor girl…”

Applejack nodded, “Th’reason we don’t invite her to a lot of parties s’cuz we’re afraid she’s gunna be made fun of even more…”

“Besides, bright lights and loud noises scare the poor girl…the only reason we convinced her to come to your welcome party was cuz we brought her in AFTER we shouted the surprise,” Pinkie added.

“But why have I never met her before?”

“Well, somehow Derpy landed the job as the mail-carrier, and seeing as how you use Spike for most of your mail, I’m not surprised you haven’t seen her.  She may not be smart, but she’s one heck of a fast flier, and always gets things delivered on time,” Dash chuckled.

“Ooh, ooh, but I think she DID see her, when she dropped things on you that one day you were spying on me!”

Twilight flashed back to the day she had decided to spy on Pinkie during her twitchings…well, trying to flash back…it was all a blur except for the hospital bed, the splitting headache, and the fresh muffins put on her bedside…she cleared her throat, “Well…does she have ANY friends that could keep her company while we’re partying??”

All her friends just shook their heads…and so Twilight decided she was going to go see the young pony outcast.

Twilight walked up to the door of the strange cottage, about to knock....when a large, amazingly-heavy object came crashing down on her head, cracking her football helmet in two.

Just before she slipped into unconsciousness, she saw the grey pegasis fluttering above her.  The last thing Twilight heard before passing out completely was “OOPSIE DOOPS!”

~O~

January 7

Celestia flew nervously through the clouds:  She wasn’t completely panicked, but she would be lying if she said she wasn’t nervous.  Although she shouldn’t be alarmed by such a strange note on its own, the fact Twilight hadn’t sent one of her own letter in days was rather worrisome...Twilight was like a daughter to her, and if something bad had happened, she had to find out what it was...

But maybe she was just overreacting.  She tried to reassure herself “Everything will be fine...” she said, “Spike’s probably just under the weather and so this ‘Derpy’ is helping her write the letters instead.  I’ll bet she’s in her library right now, studying away, like always,” she giggled, “Oh, Twilight...You really must learn to put the book down once in a while...”

The Princess landed in front of Twilight’s treehouse, and knocked, expecting her cheerful student to come prancing out, happy to see her...instead, she got Spike, rubbing his eyes and yawning, obviously still half asleep. “Hello...how can i help you...” he yawned again.

“Hello, Spike...have you seen Twilight around anywhere?”

Spike suddenly jumped up, his eyes jutting open, as he realized the visitor standing before him was the Princess.  He quickly slicked back his spikes and stood up straight and tall, giving her a proud solute.  “I-I didn’t expect to see you here today, Princess!”

“At ease, Spike...”

The purple dragon relaxed.  “So...what brings you here, Ms. Princess-of-Equestria, ma’am?”

“Well, I’ve been getting odd letters...I think they’re from Twilight, but they don’t seem like her usual letters...” She floated the now-crusty letter over to Spike.  “And I was wondering if you’d been out sick and this Derpy pony had been filling in for you...”

Spike shrugged, “Well, its possible...I tried hibernating like the animals do in winter, only I’m doing it now in the Summer cuz I like it when its nice and toasty...Last time i saw Twilight, she was actually off to see a pony named Ditzy Doo...idunno if that helps or not...”

“How long ago was that?”

Spike shrugged, “I dont have a clock inside my head so I can tell what time it is even when I’m sleeping.”

The princess sighed, “Well, thank you, Spike...also, could you go around town and ask if anyone has seen Twilight while I go talk to Ms. Ditzy?”

“Sure thing, Princess!” He gave another salute.

With that, Celestia took off to find Ditzy Doo, and hopefully, find her student in the process...

To Be Continued....

Hopefully this was a better ending to Part 1

AUTHOR’S NOTES

Okay, learned from my mistake, don’t leave people hangin, and FINISH my work before I show people.

I edited part 1 to make it better, so yeah, read that.  Also, I promise it won’t take forever-and-a-half for the rest of the stuff or Ponies VS the Internet 3.

A Bad Case of Derpes Part 2:

Tooney Is a Dumbass

January 3

Twilight groaned as she slowly opened her eyes.  She felt herself in the warm embrace of a cushy bed…boy did this feel familiar.  The fluffy bed, the splitting headache, the distinct smell of muffins.  It was exactly like the first time she met the confusing pegasis.  Oh, the nostalgia.  She tried to sit up, but a sudden shockwave of pain caused her to yelp and fall back into the pillows.  She looked down, finding her back leg bent into a way nopony’s should ever go, wrapped in bandages.  She sighed, and inspected the rest of her body for any damage.  Everything seemed okay…until she looked up.  Her horn was mummified like her leg, slightly crooked.  She cringed, knowing she wouldn’t be able to use magic to get home or call Spike.  She was stuck until she could get any help.

She looked around the room she was confined in.  It was rather dark and dank, filled with boxes of useless junk.  This was obviously Ditzy’s basement.  Curled up in bed with her was an army of stuffed animals of every sort, and sitting next to them a nightstand, housing a tower of muffins, and a small sticky-note attached to the mountain saying “Sorry”.  To the opposite side was a tall staircase, ascending to a large wooden door, the only light in the room filtering through its cracks.  From upstairs, Twilight could hear someone singing and dancing.

“Are you ready for the Summer~!  Are you ready for the hot nuts~!”

Twilight cleared her head, and slowly sat up, making sure not to agitate her leg.  She cleared her throat, and called up to the door, her voice crackled and dusty.

“Ditzy! Ditzy is that you?”

No answer.

“Ditzy!!!”

Nothing.

“…Derpy?”

As if on cue, the door swung open, and Ditzy stuck her head inside.

“Mmmyes?”  She said, coated in what appeared to be muffin batter.

“There you are…” Twilight groaned, laying back down, her brain throbbing from her own yelling.

“Good morning, sleepymuffins!” Ditzy giggled as she skipped down the steps, “How you this fine morning?”

“I’m…okay?”  She said, rubbing her temples, “I just have one question…what did you drop on me?”

“Oh that?  Piano.  I moving it to the roof so I could playing for the town my musical genius,” she closed her eyes and pretended to play, humming a small tune.

“…Ditzy we don’t have fingers.”

She opened her eyes and held a hoof to her chin, thinking for around two minutes, her eyes rolling in their sockets. “…Makes sense.”  She flopped on the bed next to Twilight and snatched one of the muffins from the nightstand.

Twilight looked up at the gray pony for a few seconds, watching her pupils slide around in their sockets, trying to focus on her.  In a completely-not-fillyfooler way, she thought Ditzy was rather adorable.  Rosy cheeks, amber eyes, and a cute little smile.  Twilight found a wide grin appearing on her lips just from the expression on the small pegisi’s face.

“So!” Ditzy clapped her hooves together, “What brings you to my hubble little house on the prairie?”

“Um…well, I decided that since we’ve never really met, that I’d come over and finally get a chance to meet you.”

“Why don’t meet?  I deliver mail, know everypony.”

“Well, I only mail one person, and my assistant Spike sends my messages using magic.”

“I could send them faster!  Muffin’s faster then magic!”

“…It’s a really long trip, and it only takes seconds for Spike.”

“I could get it there 20% seconds flat!”

Twilight blinked.  Obviously having this argument would be of no avail.

“So who you send anyway?” Ditzy reached over and began to nibble on a muffin.

Twilight grinned, “Well, I message my teacher, the great Princess Celestia!”

Ditzy’s eyes shot open.  She almost spit out her muffin in surprise, but of course, being Ditzy, she wasn’t about to waste good muffin. “…The Princess is your teacher?”

“Yeah, ever since I almost destroyed her castle with my magic” Twilight answered, “I thought everyone in Equestria knew that.”

“I knew you two were acquaintances but I never thought you two were actually close.”

Twilight blinked.  For some reason Ditzy was speaking much clearer now.  Her eyes had stopped rolling, and her voice had become a lot less loud.  She was acting…normal now.

However, as soon as Twilight noticed this, it was as if Ditzy noticed this too.

“E-Er, Muffins!” Ditzy began to bounce on the bed in excitement, her normal giddiness returning,. “Will Twilight friend help Muffin’s meet Princessy?”

“Well, the Princess is always open to meeting her subjects, but her guards never let anyone near who she doesn’t know…but I think I could pull some strings,” Twilight winked.

Ditzy leaned in a little, her voice becoming quieter again, “When’s the next time the Princess will come to Ponyville?”

“She always comes once a month, whenever she feels like or whenever I forget to write a letter or two.  She’s always a bit worrisome when it comes to me, and always thinks I’m in trouble is even the slightest thing happens,”  Twilight giggled, “Heck, even once I had Pinkie write my letters while Spike was sick, and she got worried just due to the change in handwriting from Spike’s usual scribblings.  She really is like a mom to me…”

Ditzy grinned a little, and quickly hopped up from the bed.  “I have to go do mail now, I’ll back soon!”

“B-But wait!  Can you help m--“

Without another word she clambered up the stairs and slammed the door.

Twilight could have sworn she heard a click as the door locked.

January 7

Two hours, and not one sign of Twilight.  Celestia flew high above Ponyville, scanning the ground for any clue as to her whereabouts.  Her motherly instincts were taking over, and she was starting to find herself be worried.  That morning, she had spent her time asking Twilight’s friends, yet none had seen her.  They thought she was just at home studying.  However, she did get a lead, learning the identity of the illusive Derpy Hooves.

“Actually, I haven’t seen Twilight or Ditzy for the past couple of days.  She hasn’t been showing up for work.  I thought she just forgot she had a job.  If you need, I could give you her address if needed.”

“Thank you, Rainbow Dash.”

Celestia quickly raced off for the location given to her by the blue pegasis.  Part of her thought that Twilight was okay, and that she shouldn’t worry as much.  Everything would be fine, she would see…

Then she remembered the letters.

“…This isn’t the safest of places, considering the amount of monsters that come in, like Ursas, Hydras, Manticores…”

Each of the three letters she got all mentioned something about the amount of chaos and havoc in Ponyville.  How it’s been attacked, destroyed, ravaged, and eaten by every creature that comes out of the Everfree Forest.  Was this Twilight’s way of telling her teacher she was in trouble?  No time to find out.

It wasn’t hard to find Ditzy’s house, considering the large radio tower-esque structure jutting from the top, made completely out of silverware.  She landed, and stormed to the front door, passing the large sculptures and silverware-monuments.  Just as she was about to knock,  she heard a familiar voice.  She quickly turned her head to see Twilight, picking flowers in the garden across the street, eating them happily and humming to herself.

“…Twilight!”  Celestia ran over, a wave of relief flowing over her.  She knew she was just being a worry-wart.  “Oh thank heavens I found you I was a bit worried after the let--“

Celestia stopped in her tracks as Twilight turned around.  Her eyes grew wide and her mouth gaped a little.

“…T-Twilight?”

There was her faithful student, grinning ear to ear, her horn completely ripped off, a large amount of stitches where it used to be.

Her eyes were rolling in their sockets.

“MUFFINS!”

To be Continued…

I promise sooner this time.

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