Title:           Old, old Bumpers
Author:          Stegtorn
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/7q7E7Fry
First Edit:      Sunday 20th of April 2014 02:21:31 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Sunday 20th of April 2014 02:21:31 AM CDT

Thread-bumpers of various genres and shit...and something that I found lying around in an unlisted paste.
Unedited, unlubed, unfunny. Ya know, the best kind of one shots.
 
Perhaps "The faggot files" would be a good name for this paste.
 
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>First up, the town's young baking prodigy, Mc Pinkie "party pony" Pie.
>"Hey anon! Hey everypony!" pinkies exclaims
>You walk up to her stand and are presented her treat.
>A cookie covered in cinnamon and topped with sprinkles.
>The presentation isn't much, in fact, as simplistic as you could get.
>Hopefully the taste makes up for it.
>With a grin you remove a section of the large cookie with a fork.
>You bring it to your nose, it smells great.
>But does it taste good?
>You take a bite.
>Simply stunning, but lets play with her.
"Pinkie!"
>"Yes, nony? do you like it?"
"Oh my god pinkie, I wish you had made me this sooner!"
>"Wow really? I knew you would like it!"
"So that I could tell you just how good you are at baking food."
>Pinkie's face lights up.
"That's bad"
>Pinkie sad again.
"And when I say bad, I mean Michael Jackson bad."
>A grin curls across her face, "Thank you, so much!"
>Under her breath this says to herself, "What's a Micheal Jackson?"
"You know how he looked really really bad at the end of his life?"
>Pinkie is now uderly confused, along with everybody around you.
>They look to you and you turn back to Pinkie.
>"Anon, I'm not sure what you mean, do you like it?"
"You don't know if I like it? well lets put it this way, you need to put the stand down and go home."
>Everyone looks at you bewildered for saying something so cruel to Pinkie.
>"Sorry anon, I'll just go then."
"Because you should be competing in the best contests in Equestria."
>"Wow really! Can I compete in the Canterlot fair?"
"Yes. Just not any fair I'm at," you say sternly.
>Her face goes dark, a frown crinkling on her little pony face.
"In conclusion..."
"8/10, pretty good but I don't really like sprikles"
>The other contestants along with Pinkie look at you with wide mouths.
>"YESH!!" Pinkie screams.
>"wut" Mr. Cake responds.
>You look to Mr and Mrs cake.
"Yeah, here you go, try it."
>You hand them both a cookie.
>Pinkie just looks at you, happy as can be.
>Mrs Cake tries it first, taking a big bite, while chewing a few crumbs fall from her grim, serious face.
>"This is awful."
>You see Pinkie's eyes begin to water.
>"As in awfully amazing!"
>Pinkie leans in, huge smile on her face.
>"I will give you a 10/10, because I believe you to be the best baker in Equestria."
>"Thanks Mrs. Cake, I owe you a cupcake when I get home."
>"Ow, pleas pinkie, you don't have to do that, really don't do that! Please!"
>Pinkie looks down at the counter.
>"But why!?"
>"Because your skills are just so amazing that It would be a waste on somebody like me! You should be baking for the princesses!"
 
>"No, I really mean it. It is just disgusting that you would put so much work into this Pinkie, to have barely anyone appreciate just how good it is."
>"I agree" Mrs. Cake responds.
>The three of you nod in approval.
>"But like anon, I don't like sprinkles, so I give you a 8/10 too."
>Pinkie squeals in glee.
"Next up is....."
"...We have, uh, Rarity!" you say, surprising yourself.
>From her stand in the back, she bows, and waves your party over.
>Seems she made a...
>Wedding cake?
>From behind the stand she pulls out a few dresses.
>"Only with this vanilla cake I've made some fancy clothes for you all. I hope you like pink, Anonymous."
>You gulp hard, hoping you never have to wear that.
>You're not gonna take any chances.
>You and the Cakes walk over to her.
"Rarity? What is this for?" you say, motioning your hand toward the pink clothing.
>"It's for you darling, I though it would be a nice gift for you and the other judges to wear."
>Is this some type of bribe? I don't even like pink.
"I hope you don't expect any special treatment for doing this."
>"N-no, of course not darling."
>"Perhaps you should change into them, to get the full effect of the cake."
>You exchange looks with Mr. and Mrs. Cake.
"Well, if you think that will be best," you say with a furrowed brow.
>Mr Cake looks at you and viciously shakes his head no, eyes wide.
>You gaze over at Rarity, who's eyes are gleaming with pride, three dresses draped across her hooves.
>You reluctantly take a dress.
"Wow, wut? This is a dress. Why would I wear a dress?"
>"Please anon?"
>You look back at Mr. Cake.
"Are you really gonna do this?"
>"I guess so...." Mr. Cake says.
"Okay, where can I change?"
>Rarity squeaks and bounces from her post, landing perfectly in front of you.
>You look down at the dress in your hands, thinking about the pros.
>It's finely made, and at least you'd be looking good.
>That is, if you were a female.
>"Right over there you three!" Rarity points to a small cluster of stands, and at the very end are four convenient "Changing rooms".
"Ain't that some-" Mr Cake bumps into you before you can finish, tripping over his own blue gown.
>His face is as red as Mrs Cake scarlet dress.
>You didn't wake up thinking you'd be eating cake in a pink dress.
>You are now in your own changing room.
>Your unfamiliar with how dresses work and accidentally rip the delicate seems just a tad.
"Ooops"
>Walking back out, you see Mr. Cake in a similar dress.
"Heh, you look like a faget m8."
>He gives you a deadpanned look.
>"Laugh it up, you look much worse, That dress looks like it isn't even made for you."
>All three of you walk back to Rarity.
>Tail between legs.
>Time for cake.
>You try to get comfortable in the tight dress.
>Looking down you see it would be rather revealing on a female.
>Thank god for that.
>Behind you Mr. Cake grumbles to his wife.
>Rarity hands you a plate of cake and a fork, her grin larger than ever.
>You have a small bite, it's good.
>A little dry, and has a bit too much frosting, but very good for a dressmaker.
>She really put some effort into-
>"Sssh, at least you don't look as bad as Anonymous," Mrs. Cake says a little too loud.
>You spin around, finding her a few paces behind you, frozen in place.
>"I- I mean..."
"Oy, say it to me face, I'll wreck ya shit mate," you heave your plate of cake threateningly.
>It's about to be go time...
>"Oh, sorry anon, I didn't m-mean.."
"Oh don't say It! I know perfectly well what you mean!"
>"It isn't what it seems like." she tries to explain.
"Look, I'm tired of this shit, every time I try to help you ponies you can't do anything but talk behind my back!"
>Mrs. Cake starts to backpeddle.
"Well look here, say it to my face. Cmon faget 1v1 me, I will wreck you."
>You walk closer to her.
>She backs away and Mr. Cake decides to butt in.
>"Anon, please calm down."
"Hooves off little pony! Time for a duel. The game will be dodgecake."
>"What's dodgecake?" she says shakily.
"Like dodgeball, with cakes!" you say fiercely.
>You look around, searching for ammunition.
"Rarity's admission will serve us well."
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>One day while Rainbow was clopping, Anon got wood!
>He split it and built a roaring fire.
>Bitches love roaring fires
>Bitches gathered at the roaring fire.
>Sweetie Belle and Rarity get there too.
>Looking down at your stick, you get an idea.
>You poke Rarity's butt with your stick
>"Ouch! Anon, what are you doing?"
"SHADDUP MARSHMALLOW. GET ON MY S*hic*..TICK"
>"Anon, go home you're drunk"
"Yoooouuu're sexy..."
>"I know dear."
You feel something squishy in your pocket.
>Ah! A chocolate bar.
>You pick up rarity with your inhuman strength and slap the half melted candy bar onto her back.
>She moans ans squirms, complaining about her "just washed coat".
"Bitch please, I can see the dried cum on your ass."
>You turn to the bitches gathered around the blazing fire.
>"It's s'mores time, nigga."
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
>Wow this is the last time you try to grow crystals on your own.
>At least there was no mustard gas.
>It's not so much the dying part that gets you, but you really hate mustard.
>Well now you're stuck in this stark, bleak rocky nowhere.
>You trudge around the barren landscape, hoping to find something soon because this is boring as fuck.
>Yipping and howling in the distance catches your ear.
>Spin three-sixty and keep walking.
>Dogg-ee noises continue.
>A sharp gasp warrants your attention.
>Your head flicks back, and you find yourself being approached by weird dog things in vests.
>With gems in their pockets.
>And glowing green eyes that are azn in nature.
>They're just staring at you, panting loudly.
>These things are like dogs, but they aren't at all when you think about it.
>A-ha!
>You know how to test whether or not these are in fact doggies.
"Uh, roll over."
>All five of them, in unison, tumble to their backs and roll in the dirt once, coming back up to their paws.
>"Hue-man master has arrived. Rejoice. Much bacon will be had at tonight's feast."
>"wtf" pretty much sums up how you're feeling.
"Ok."
 
>"Wait here ho-mun, I will fetch the GLORIOUS scared hueymen ride," one says to you.
>His compadres gasp and nod.
>He runs off and comes back after an awkwardly silent 30 minutes sent with you scratching your neck and them tapping their paws on the floor and licking stuff you don't wanna talk about.
>The Gem-doge returns with a long wooden sled.
>Nigga, it ain't even snowing.
"Is that a sled?"
>"Yes! Fit only for you, master."
"K. Do I just hop on?"
>They nod vigorously.
>You step onto the thing, running a hand over a rudder.
>Sitting down, you get comfy as the dogs hook themselves up to the ropes at the front.
>Two pairs of two and one at the front.
"Where are we going?"
>"To the (Diamond) dog house."
"Creative name."
>"Thanks!" they all say at once, taking off.
>Observation made: New doggie friends are oblivious to sarcasm.
>It's a bumpy, scary, trippy ride.
>Your butt is actually hurt by the time they pull you across a empty plain and toward a huge mountain.
"I was expecting a lawn with holes in it."
>They slow down at a giant square shaped door.
>Upon closer inspection you see it's actually a flap of some sorts.
>"Master, gaze upon the diamond door."
"Yeah 'diamond' door."
>"Yes," the lead dog says blankly.
 
>You step off, three get out of their sled binding.
>Pointing at the door you shake your head.
"How do you even get in and out of that thing? It must be heavy as fuck."
>"It's silk."
>u wot.
>Three lead you to the great silk door while the other two take the sled off to god knows where.
>Pleasing fabric washes over you as you enter.
>It's dimly lit inside, just one huge hallway carved right into the mountain.
>Wooden scaffolding creates levels on the scraggly walls.
>Hundreds of the eastern-lookin' dogs pad to and fro along the high up wooden levels and down below on the cold stone floor.
>Their eyes go wide and they start barking happily as they begin to notice you.
>They chant something about the return of you.
>"It's the second coming of the human!"
>You're just like that J-bus guy those homophobes are always shouting about.
"Where are we going?" you ask your guides.
>"To your throne."
"I got a throne?"
>"Yes," they smile at you oddly.
>A dog jumps from the shadows and tackles you.
>Their are growls and sharp intakes of breath.
>Your three guides assume aggressive stances.
>The bustle of the mountain is silenced.
>"Human, please, fuck my bitches," he points behind him toward the shadows.
>Out pop three apparently female, giggling, blushing diamond dogs.
>Dat ain't so bad.
"M-maybe later?"
>"Excellent. I'll send them up to your room so you may mate with them," he says cheerily before darting back into darkness.
>These dawgs, dawg.
 
>"Right in here master," a dog waves his paw toward a tall thick door at the very end of the cavern.
>You push it open, which isn't very hard.
>It's another large room, more finely carved out.
>Like a huge black marble box.
>The candles here are more numerous.
>A thick red carpet leads up to a tall throne with spheres on the hand rests.
>Squinting, you think one absolute thought:
>i luv sferes.
>"Do you like it?" one asks eagerly.
"Yes, very much."
>"We have something to show you. Bring in the ton is bawl!" he strides back out.
>Before you can even turn around he's back with a league of doge behind him.
>Bowing lowly he presents a small wooden box to you.
>You take it, feeling strange with so many eyes on you.
"What is this?"
>"It's the sacred item from which all your powers stem. Only you, the cina-hue-mon may open its mighty lock."
>Looking at it you see it's just one of those metal flap-things you flick open with your thumb.
>Unceremoniously you toss it open.
>A gush of wind rolls through the cavern and though your audience*.
>You swallow hard, eyes wide, unable to accept the contents of the box.
>On a little red pillow rests the most perfect, superb tennis ball.
>You take it in your hand, raising it up above your head.
>Loud cheers, drooling and panting echo through out the mountain.
"Tennis ball!"
>They howl like never before.
>You waltz to your throne, one of your guides throws a thick cape over your shoulders and places a crown upon your brow.
>Mobbin' like that bitchnigga lion from that movie with the golden road.
"Bring in the bitches, crack open da peanut butter, it's about to get cray-zee."
 
 
>A few months of debauchery later and you're looking for something new.
>It's super nice to be surrounded by servants and bitches but it does get a little dull.
>When covering yourself completely in peanut butter and letting your female servants clean you off wasn't getting you excited you knew there was a problem.
>With your Tennis ball (Now attached to a staff after one too many times you found it on the floor covered in slobber) in hand you rally your best in your hall.
"The time has come gentle-dogs...uh."
>Shit.
>What do you want?
>Your underlings all look up at you, looking for direction.
>That always gets you feeling weird.
"Okay, we're going on a field trip."
>"TO THE PARK?" one shouts, which riles the others up.
>"Yes, for fetch?"
>"Fetch!" they cheer.
"No, not the park."
>They can hardly hear you over their own talking.
>Sometimes, these guys.
>With a sigh you raise up your staff, and the room falls silent.
>All that can be heard is some soft panting.
>"b-ball," one squeaks.
"Okay, I decided we're going to Ponyville."
>"For?" one pipes up.
"We'll through a party or some shit."
>"Fetch the peanut butter, a party is planned!" your servants shout, scurrying away.
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Be drinking tea with Spike and Rarity, the only two people who can stand to be around you after hearing about what happened with you and Twilight.
>Maybe they think that's hot or something.
>Rarity talking about some guy coming to town soon.
>Tender-something.
>Damn, the look on Spike's face.
>Nigga practically getting NTR'd.
>Worst fetish, legit.
>He's looking up at you with teary eyes.
>You gotta say something, anything, to help him.
>B-but....
>FUCK IT.
"HEY BOY WANNA /ss/? ANON AND RARITY GIVE IT TO SPIKE FROM BOTH ENDS."
>Rarity spits out her tea, Spike drops his cookie.
>Other cafe customers stare at you.
>You need an adult.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
>Big fat nigger bumps into you as you're walking to work, fall down.
>KEEP FUCKING FALLING.
>Fucking black people
>This isn't right.
>Better not be one of those fucking temporal rifts.
>YOU DO NOT NEED THAT RIGHT NOW.
>You got a fucking report to hand in.
 
>Wake up in some grass on a hill, town below, strange doorway behind.
>Note nailed to door.
>"Hello visitor, welcome to Ponyville, please wait patiently. Horse Princesses will be with you soon."
>Wait, Ponyville?
>Horse princess?
>This is from some show.
>Yeah, that one your niece watches!
>My small equine or some shit.
>Fuck that, walk through door, end up back in earth...
 
>Be Celestia, an alarm has just gone off, that means other-worldly visitors.
>Racing at the speed of sun to the alert location, Ponyville.
>You and your fellow Princesses get there to find the newcomer reading the note.
>Oh golly just in time to greet him.
>"Sister, why is he throwing the note on the floor?"
>Oh no!
>The strange ape-thing turns his back on the town and opens the door.
>"No wait!" Luna yells, but he's already gone.
>You sigh.
"That's a shame. He was kinda hot."
>Cadence and Luna nod.
 
>Get home, hard day at work, get phone call form GF.
>"Leaving you for Chad Thundercock, bye babe."
>The fucking worst.
>Sitting in chair, experiencing that feel when.
>Realize you just missed on literal tons of potential horse pussy.
>Don't know whatcha got until it's gone.
It was a crow counting sort of day
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Wake up, cough, feel a little sick.
>Gonna be a bad day.
>Walk outside, see Lyra.
>Gonna tell her hello, see if she wants some breakfast.
>'Hey Lyra wanna pick up some coffee?'
"ANON AND LYRA HAVE COFFEE AND THEN BANG IN PUBLIC."
>SHITHSITHISHTISHTIHSIHIHST
>How is that happen?
>Why is it happen?
>WHY? WHY?
>Lyra looks at you with disgust, flicking her tail.
>"As if..."
>That feel.
>You hurry to Twilight's maybe she can help.
>She's smart and shit...
>Knock on door, book-butt answers.
>"Hey Anon what's wrong?"
>You look at her and cough, pointing to your throat.
>Don't wanna risk yelling something about buttsex at her.
>"What's the matter boy, trouble at the old mill?"
>You look at her in exasperation.
>God she's dumb.
>Sighing, which comes out as an unf you risk talking.
>'Twilight, I've got a voice problem, nothing I'm saying is working..."
"ANON HAS A VOICE PROBLEM SO TWILIGHT SHOVES HER FUTA-DICK IN HIS THROAT TO CLEAN IT OUT BUT IT DOESN'T WORK SO THEY BANG."
>"O-oh my, so straight forward..." she blushes and drags you into her library.
>"I've been waiting for a guy like you."
It was a METAmorphosis sorta day.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Day horndog in Equestria.
>Wanna get yo dick wet, but don't want to woo a mare.
>Take a trip down the Sugar Cube Corner.
"Hey Pinkies you got jell-o?"
>"Of course we do Anon."
>Pinks leads you to the back to select a jello flavor.
>Bell jingles, customer comes in.
>She runs off to attend to him.
>An idea strikes you.
>What if...
>You unzips dick and poke it into the bowl of jelly, going in and out.
>After only one or two minutes you're already close.
>Damn, you haven't felt this good in months.
>You get so caught up pretending that bowl of blue-berry is Rainbow you're unaware of the fact that Pinkie and the customer entering.
>"A-anon, what are you doing with your willy."
>You try to pull out but you're already cumming inside.
>"M-my jello," Big Mac says lowly.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Day workin and twerkin in the bakery with Pinkie
>Your closing up show after a long day.
>Feeling a little feisty you give old Ponky a slap on the flank, hitting her cutie (pie) mark.
>Boop boop pull ova dat ass too fat.
>She gasps, eyes going wide.
>"FLUTTERSHY IS IN A POLYGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH A BEAR AND A TURTLE."
"Uh."
>"Uh-oh. D-did I say that aloud!?"
"Yeah ya fucking did."
>Hmm, you shoot your hand out a give her butt, once again popping them balloons.
>"NO ONE IN MY CIRCLE OF FRIENDS LIKES APPLEJACK."
>Shit nigga.
>Pinkie runs off crying.
>Goddamn, those seemed genuine...
 
>Takin' a trip down to Canterlot, them niggas holding some sorta gala or something.
>OH LOOK, your bro Shining and his wife, Candy-something.
"Hey Armor guy!" you wave to him.
>"Oh Celestia not this guy," you hear him mumble, slapping his face.
>You can pinpoint the moment when your heart breaks.
>All time bro turning his back on you?
>Doesn't he remember all the times you'd get drunk together.
>And you'd trash the room and leave him there to pay for the damages and explain the dead hookers to the cops.
>You have an idea...
>It might just work!
"Hey guy," you shout, slapping his exposed flank.
>Surprisingly meaty.
>Cadence flinches as Shining yells.
>"I ONLY MARRIED CADENCE TO GAIN A POSITION OF POWER HIGHER THAN GUARD CAPTAIN, I HATE HER AND HER VAGINA. COCK FOR LIFE."
>He gets a swift hoof across the face, you get revenge.
>And maybe the rebound?
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>You are Chrysalis, it's the dead of night and you are enjoying a nice chicken.
>Or, rather, what Anonymous hasn't eaten of it.
>Damn that Twilight and her shrinking spell, you think, tearing a little nibble at the skin.
>Oooh, roasty-toasty.
>Soon, with enough meals, you'll become strong enough to not be like 3 centimeters.
>Gosh this chicken is so-
>ROAR.
>U-uh, has Anonymous woken up?
>You flick your head back, crown flying off your head and landing somewhere in the damp, dark veggies below.
>THERE HE IS, THE BEAST!
>Quickly, mustering all your weak magic, you reseal the chicken, close the fridge and pick a hiding spot.
>D-damn it's cold...
 
(A few seconds in the past)
>You are Anon, and you've got midnight wood.
>A food erection, if that makes any sense.
>Basically, you need a lil snack.
>You yawn and lumber down the hall.
(Present)
>You open up the fridge, once again the fridge's light doesn't turn on.
>Son of a bitch.
>Gotta get that shit fixed.
>So...what do you want?
>That chicken is looking pretty nice...
 
>You are Chrysalis, and hiding in the chicken tray as a shitty idea.
>The horrible horror that is Anon is going to town on your delicious chicken feast; look, look at his stupid gnawing teeth eat your chicken!
>From inside the chicken's butt area whatever you observe in anger.
>Another precious leftover gobbled up by Anon!
>You squint your eyes and wait it out.
>It was a "SOON" kinda day.
 
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
>Day genophage in Equestria.
>You still haven't knocked up a pony.
>That makes you angry.
>Angry enough for violence.
>You patrol Ponyville searching for a combatant.
 
>The Pinkie one bumps into you while you walk.
>"Hey Anon," she says, jumping up and booping your head-armor
"Small one, do you wish to engage in combat?"
>"S-sure!"
>You raise up your fists.
"Brace yourself."
>Pinkie braces, looking uncertain.
>You punch her straight up, sending her soaring like a rocket.
>She comes down hard, landing.
>"Oh gosh that was so fun, go again!"
"W-what? Didn't that hurt at all?"
>"Nope, not one bit."
"T-that's no far; you're made of balloons ans sunshine. What good are fists against that?"
>She giggles and trots away.
>Confidence: shaken.
 
 
>Looking for a new combatant you cross paths with a beefy minotaur about your size.
>He's walking your way.
>Look at that swagger, he's strutting his stuff.
>He's smiling at you.
>You return with a grimace.
>Every stride accidentally flexes his muscles.
>He's passing you by...
>BOOM.
>The earth shakes, buildings collapse.
>A mighty creator is formed.
>Your hearty krogan will clashing with his has caused a minor muscular explosion!
>You must fight this beast to establish your dominance as alpha male.
>Ponies rush over to see what caused the ruckus.
>By that time you and the minotaur are already clashing, your head-plate standing strong against his horns.
>A stallion and his flock of sheep rush over, them and other ponies forming a circle.
"What is your name, sir?"
>"Iron Will," the man-bull grunts.
"I'm Anonymous, space alien."
>"Well met," he says with some struggle.
>You're wearing him down.
>Going all out, you decide to end this quick and give these ponies a good show.
>You pull back, causing him to stagger forward.
>And then you head butt his horns as hard as you can, sending him right into the bakery behind him.
>The ponies clap and cheer as you pose.
>Another fine day.
>You make your exit, coming across the stallion with his cuddly little sheep.
>"Anon," he says, letting you pass.
"Shepard."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Day relaxing summer evening, reading a book and feeling good about yourself.
>Tap tap tap...
>W-what was that?
>Reading a spooky book, during a spooky storm and hearing spooky noises is not comfy at all.
>Scared for your safety you get up to investigate.
>Check living room window.
>Nothi-
"BWAH!"
>A flash of lightening reveals a pony face smushed across the glass, her mane half stuck to the wet window.
>"Anon," she moans.
>Is that Berry?
>"Anon why don't you love me?" She sniffles, crying.
"Berry what the hell are you doing outside? Come in, you'll get a cold."
>"Will you love me then?"
>Bitches be crazy.
"I, what? Sure, just come inside."
>You begin walking out of the room to open the front door for her when you hear a crash.
>Spinning around you see Berry, wet, laying on the carpet surrounded by glass.
"What the fuck did you do?" you ask in a panic, hurrying over to help her.
>You can smell the wine on her.
>She stands up, but just barely.
"A-are you bleeding? Are you alright?"
>"I-is it because I'm a horse? Or maybe because I drink too much?"
>You ignore her, trying to get around to her backside.
>She seems to have cut herself up badly.
>"Ya like what ya see," she mumbles, hardly coherent, swaying slightly back and forth.
"No! You need to get to a hospital!"
>She struggles as you attempt to pick her up.
>"Imsh not goin anywhere until you love me."
>She goes butt up, putting her cunt right in your face.
>"C-come on, do it."
>WHAT THE H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS IS HAPPENING?
>If you forcefully pick her up she'll struggle, you'll hurt her more.
>Checking your penis for confirmation, yep, he's down for it.
>Ya gotta do it, put the team on your back doe, do it...for madden!
>You gently love her, and she doesn't mind.
>Then you take her to the ER.
Today was a "sticking your dick in crazy for the greater good" sorts day.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Day billionaire playboy philanthropist in Equestria.
>Wake up covered in the pussy.
>Oh my god based Anon fuck my mare.
>You start your morning by playing a game of king of the hill with your 15 marefriends.
>The hill is your dick, and everyone has to play with their cunts.
>It's fun, and pretty slippery
>After that debauchery you slip into your metal man suit, blasting off into space, wrecking walls as you do.
>What will your penis conquer today?
>You look up at the heavens.
"The sun..." you say lowly, staring right at the star itself.
>Eyeballs getting blow the fuck out.
>You rocket boot over to Canterlot, crashing right into the throne room.
>Ah, there she is, your prize.
>"A-anonymous, what are you doing?"
"The time has come...and so will I," you say proudly, hands on your hips.
>"W-what?"
"Jarvis, switch to stun," you yelp, already seeing the blue circle beams shooting at Celestia.
>She freezes in place, standing there like a big dumby.
>She'll be able to talk and see but movement is out of the question.
>You unlatch dick and wiggle-waggle over to her.
>The silvery, metal cock on your body scares the sun-princess into submission.
>Oh wait, the stun-ray did that.
>"It's so shiny."
"It was turned to steel," you thrust into her, which sounds oddly like a guitar riff, "In a great magnetic field."
>"O-oh my," she howls.
>You give her a righteous fuck, turning her sun into a blackhole.
>Cum inside.
>"T-thank you, Anonymous."
>You lean down, metal dick snaking out of her like a living reptile.
"It was my privilege."
>Taking a page from team rocket you blast off into space again, soaring well passed the stratosphere.
>It was a "How did you solve the icing problem?" kinda day
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>You are Anonymous, and Rainbow Dash is being boring.
>It's around noon, and nothing is happening.
>She's finished all her rounds.
>You've finished all you're doing nothing.
>You think one resolute thought:
>Damn, I need to stick my dick in something.
"So..."
>"So," she says, fiddling with a thimble.
"You uh, you're pretty hot."
>She gives you a look of annoyance, "Come on now."
"R-really. You're pretty. It's not just your face; you're body is delicious too!"
>She looks down at your crotch area.
>M...my dick's getting hard by itself!
>"I know you're penis is twitch, you know?"
>Your penis pokes up, hitting your pants, making them tight, almost saying "If you look closely this bitch's got great tits, dude."
>Yeah, yeah I guess.
"Suck my dick, please~" you ask pleadingly.
>She rolls her eyes, sighing.
>"Hmm, getting throatfucked is the best..."
"I've heard titty-fucking is seriously badass."
>From across the room she creeps toward you sensually.
>I've wanted to lick your armpits since I first saw you."
"O-oh Rainbow...This is clearly a case of lewdness disease. You should see a doctor!"
>"I'm seeing him right now," she whispers, unzipping your dick.
>It springs out, nearly hitting her on the face.
"Huhehe...so? How do you like my cock?"
>She looks at it with surprise, "I can't believe a cutie like you was hiding such a manly dick."
>You blush, putting your hand on her head.
 
>"Hmm~"
>SATAN GUIDE MY COCK.
>You shove (not so) lil D into her waiting mouth, scraping against her tongue.
"I'm going to fuck your mouth like a toothbrush!"
>You glance at her rear-end as she suckles.
>God she's like a rainbow vacuum.
"Taste the legendary penis that killed a water buffalo in his homeland!"
>Why weren't humans born with four cocks?
>Three of her holes would be filled, and you'd have one out for extra!
"Rainbow-chan, I can feel the vibrations from your throat-pussy in my dickhole!"
>She comes up for air, the air being exposed to your wet cock.
>"Oh god...dick juice."
"W-what? I came already!?" you ask, shocked.
>"No..."
>She licks your ear with her whisper-whispers.
>"PRE-CUM."
"GAHAGAH!?"
>"I think it's time, Anon."
"H-huh?" you ask, dick wilting just a bit.
>"Time to put it in."
 
 
"You're not gonna finish me off with your mouth...?"
>"No, they say it's dangerous to swallow the cum of foreigners."
>You take the initiative, flipping her over.
>T-there it is, shimmering like a wet, blu-ish pot of gold.
"I'm going to write my name on your belly with my sperm-piss!"
>You wiggle your dick toward her other, lesser used hole.
>"Terrorist actions against my ass are not acceptable!" she yelps, wiggling away on her back.
"Come on, confess~ You wanted me to assault you, didn't you?"
>She smirks and continues to flap away.
>She must be an assassin sent by the government to tease my cock!
>Look at her, determination to destroy that butt in your eyes.
"This is where you say goodbye to your past self. This cock will change your entire existence."
>You dive at her, trying to insert.
>B5, HIT!
>Lil Anon slides in.
>She grunts and bites her lip but doesn't protest any more.
 
>Oh yeah, she wants it.
>You get to work.
>W-what?
>She's moving in sync with your thrusts.
>Noticing your surprise she opens her mouth and lets out a little moan.
>"I-it's not like my hips are moving...unf...because I'm feeling good, okay!?"
>A girl this tsundere shouldn't exist.
"Nipple rubbing attack!" you shout, grabbing her down-under breasts.
>[Fucking intensifies]
>You're surprised, this pony is pretty kinky!
>W-wait...
>Uh, uh?
>A torrent of pleasure overcomes you.
"I-I'm cumming, my brain's melting~"
>Rainbow's moans grow louder, joining with your own grunts.
"SEMEN BEAM DIRECT HIT!"
 
>You and Rain cuddle in the afterglow, eyes heavy with tiredness.
"C-could this be love, Rainbow?"
>"I dunno, but we can find out."
"How?" you ask desperately.
>"The penis in your heard should be erect."
>You search your inner-self.
>He's erect.
>Good end.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(THIS ONE IS A COLLAB, MY PARTNER WAS 8THY-PIE)
 
>Day knocking a few back in horse town.
>It’s like your fourth shot of what the local bar refers to as “Pony piss”
>You really fucking hope it ain’t.
>After taking a fifth you think maybe it’s time to stick your needle into Rarity’s thimble.
>Or whatever double entendres the kids are using nowadays.
>You scoot scoot scootaloo out of that bar like an underaged b& and tumble down the lane toward where you think and hope Rarity’s house is.
>The boutique.
>Your target.
>Now, how to get in?
>Looking around you see about two doors, two windows, two bushes, two everything really…
>Shit.
>Time for some tactical espionage action.
>You get down on one knee, ready to call in the major.
>Tapping your shirt-pocket you tune into 148...something.
“Hello? Major Tom, this is Anon. The snake is out and ready for insertion. How should I proceed?”
>Radio silence.
>Those bastards!
>They must have killed the major.
>You’re going to literally fuck those commie scum with your penis.
>Oh yeah, Rarity is gonna get the A and the D.
“A is for….Anon!” you slur, crawling toward the window, your exposed dick grinding against the grass.
>How did it get out?
>No matter.
>You roll into the window, shattering it into a million pieces.
>Coming to your feet, you wait to see if any alarms or screams go off.
>Nothing?
>Good!
 
>You scan the room...her dress-making workshop.
>She should be around somewhere.
>Huh…
>A pony shadow looming right by a table?
>Did she not hear you come in?
>EXCELLENT!
>As fast as you can you descend on her rump, pushing aside the dress covering your prize.
>So dark.
>She feels weird...less squishy than you remember.
“You lose some weight?”
>No response, she must still be sleeping.
>You’d feel rude if you woke her up, so you decide to work your magic on her behalf.
>As there is no need to unzip dick you begin thrusting at her, searching for a hole.
>You must be thrusting harder than you thought, because each thrust makes a strange bump noise.
>You assume it’s the bed rocking back and forth from your vicious love making.
>Yeah, probably.
>Dick so strong you causing tsunamis in asia.
 
>You are Rarity.
>And some uncouth pig-dog is making an ungodly amount of noise.
>You hurry down your stairs in only your bathrobe, switching to a slow creepy-crawl as the noise gets louder.
>What could that be?
>It’s coming from your workshop.
>YOUR DRESSES!
>Tossing open the door you illuminate the room with a spell, revealing a…
>Half-naked Anonymous hunched over your manikin, lewdly humping at it.
>His ass-hair is far too visible for your tastes...
>He squints as the light comes on and looks directly at you while continuing to defile your equinequins the whole time.
>”I’ll give you a manikin bigga boy.”
>He gives a weird, grunt laugh with a smug grin creeping across his face.
>You hear some faint splattering noises.
>You shudder in disgust and back away.
>Then you watch as he has a moment of realization.
>“Wait, how did you get over there?” He asks as he slowly turns to look at your equinequin.
>The look of horror is clear on his face.
>”I-I SWEAR, SHE MEANS NOTHING TO ME!” all the while still thrusting.
>It was a “should have gotten Home Security System kinda day”
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
-Twilight Sparkle-
>This is it.
>You've finally got a chance to help him, to free him.
>With a pinch of luck and a spot of magic you were able to snag the keys to Anonymous's cell.
>Now it's just a matter of sneaking past those awful guards.
>Well, that invisibility spell has never fail you, why would it now?
>Zapping yourself you look down to see nothing but the ground.
>With a sigh you continue onward from your room...
>You tip-hoof down the stairs to the darkest dungeon, praying no one hears you.
>What?
>No guards?
>Anon's cell is completely unguarded.
>This must be some sort of trick.
>Maybe they found out about the keys.
>As you creep toward the door in the dark all you can think about is guards popping out from the shadows to seize you.
>Breathing heavily, you produce the ring of keys, cautiously bringing out up to the lock to try it.
>Dud.
>And the next one.
>Nope.
>Your hooves are shaking, the keys rattling ever so slightly in the empty hallway.
>Finally!
>The door creaks open, moonlight streaming in from the crack.
>You peer in, squinting to try and see better in the pitch black.
>With a zap of magic your invisibility spell wears off.
>Two eyes stare back at you, moonlight reflecting off them.
>"About damn time."
 
-Anonymous-
>Freedom, freedom!
>You're so happy you've plateaued into a cold calmness.
>Every so often you look around to check for guards, but there is no one.
>Almost too good to be true.
>Perhaps she's leading you to your doom?
>Hmm, that wouldn't make any sense.
>That god they take off your chains when they put you in the cell, just imagine what it would be like trying to stealthily escape with your bonds rattling the whole way.
>She leads you through dark hallways, up and down dingy staircases and past neglected rooms.
>After far too long she stops and takes a left.
"Dead end?"
>"No."
>She hoofs at the wall.
>"This castle has many secret entrances and exits..."
>The wall begins to shift, the low sound of grinding stone reverberating in the hall.
>A shabby, seemingly unfinished hole is revealed.
>The floor is dirt, and the walls mined out rock.
"It's not going to collapse on us, is it?"
>"No, of course not. It's just a little rugged."
>She waves you on, taking the lead.
>Once again you follow.
>What's that?
>The smell of cool, fresh, night air?
>It fills your longs with hope.
>Free at last.
>You can't help but smile devilishly to yourself.
>You're waited far too long.
>"I'll take you as far as I can, but I need to return before sunrise. Maybe even before than," she says nervously, her voice rattling with fear.
"That's fine."
>You pause a moment.
"Will we see each other again?"
>She stops, and hangs her head low.
>"That's unlikely."
>You don't reply, following her in silence.
>Eventually the two of you come to an opening washed in moonlight.
>You take a moment to properly stretch out, Twilight walks a few paces toward a forest in the distance.
 
 
 
-Twilight Sparkle-
"If you follow that river just past the trees-"
>You turn, looking at Anon, and give him a quizzical look to him and the rock in his hand.
>It's large, large enough that it takes some effort for him to raise it in his addled state.
"What are you doing with that?"
>"Putting an end to all this."
"Huh?"
>You step toward him, trembling.
>"Your teacher was right about me; about humans."
"W-what?"
>"We're violent, lying creatures."
>You're frozen in fear and confusion as he descend upon you.
>This isn't how it's suppose to end, you think, this isn't how it's suppose to happen.
>He wasn't suppose to do this to me.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Having a cyborg ninja body in Ponyville can get a little weird at times, especially at birthday parties, or when Discord tries to take over Ponyville.
>Like right now.
>Discord, being the intelligent thing he is, has sent a giant pinyata monster to assualt Ponyville.
>Giant pinyata monster, on your watch?
>You don't think so.
>Looking up at the roaring, looming thing as it crushes houses you smile.
>You draw your sword, the long, chainsaw katana gunblade is an anchient thing.
>Crafted from moonsteel (steel from the moon, given to your ancestors by Luna is both your great-great-great-great-great-great grand mother and your qt gf; which is a little weird but whatevs) it vibrates and tears at a thousand wubs per second.
>It is the ultimate weapon.
>You ninja dash across town, scaling a building not too far from the pinyata monster.
>It picks up Sugar Cube Corner with its mouth.
>You see Mr.Cake hanging out an open window, dozens of feet above the cobble streets.
"Time for Anon to..." you jump from your perch, sword raised, "TO LET 'ER RIP."
>You land, sword burying in the Pinyata's cheek.
>It drops the bakery, hopefully Mr.Cake is alright.
>The beast roars, treats spilling from the wound in its cheek.
>You jump up, grabbing onto its papery face-beard.
>Wrenching free the sword causes it to throw its head back in a rage.
"YAH!"
>You jump up, right on its skull, one big black eye looking up at you.
"Are you ready, Punk?"
>You plunge the sword right into its eye, releasing a rain of sweet treats to the scared ponies below.
>The beast bellows and falls to the side, destorying more property.
>You hop off the collpasing titan, landing on one metal knee.
"Just another day in the life of Robot Ninja Anon," you growl in a gruff voice, cleaning sticky stuff off your blade with the pit of your elbow.
 
>"Twilight what's wrong?" Fluttershy asks.
>"Every fucking day. Every single fucking day when I come home this little faggot just sits there and gives me this stupid look on his face." Twilight replies, looking at you.
>You simply sit there and grin.
>"Urgh! Enough!" Twilight primes a magical blast.
>You simply sit there and grin.
>The beam of twinkling energy hits you right in the chest, but you're hardly moved.
>Twilight huffs and puffs, exhausted.
"I'm fucking invincible!"
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Your day-time drama ends and a commercial begins...
>"HEY JERK-OFF, ARE YOU A FUCKING LOSER?" a strange, bipedal thing yells, his shirt way too tight for his giant frame.
>You sit forward, little wings flapping.
"Y-yes!" you say in a hushed tone, your weak yellow wings flapping.
>The commercial shows off a large work out area, mares and stallions
>"ALRIGHT THAN GET YOUR STUPID PONY ASS OVER TO ANON'S FUCKING GYM."
>The scenery shifts to show a shop sign, which does indeed read "Anon's fucking Gym" in big yellow block letters, the bulky 'Anon' standing right below them, grinning.
>It shifts once more to show him behind a row of mares of exercise balls.
>Oh, that looks like it might be a fun and easy way to get some exercise, you think to yourself.
>"GET FIT, GET STRONK, GET BULK, ALL FOR THE LOW PRICE OF 10 BITS A MONTH."
>He gets down on one knee and thrusts at a mare, hitting her butt and knocking her down, grunting and flexing all the while.
"Oh dear. He looks like he knows what he's doing."
>You flutter about your cottage, searching for your purse.
>It's time to get fit.
 
>Another day of lifting shit for you, the giant human that is Anonymous.
>You muscles are so green and so large it hurts when they aren't being marinated in sweat and mare juices.
>Today you've decided to patrol outside, in case any ponies want to apply.
>That ad you put out should draw in at least a few new customers.
>Hmm, here is someone now.
>A dainty yellow pegasi.
>"HELLO THERE SMALL HORSE. CARE TO BECOME A MEMBER HERE AT ANON'S FUCKING GYM?"
>She skips over, a smile on her face.
>Watery, innocent eyes look up at you.
>oh
>2cute
>#feels
>"Yes," she says in a low, almost inaudible voice.
>You look past her eyes, past her mane, past her back to her backside.
>This is something you can work with.
"COME INSIDE, AND THEN I WILL COME INSIDE."
>"o-ok."
 
>"After a long, surprisingly unsweaty work-out the two had surprisingly sweaty sex, the end. So, w-what did you think, Anon?"
"Please get out of my house."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>You, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie...and, uh... Applebloom(?) are enjoying some hot mugs of cocoa at the local cafe.
>"So, Rarity, tell us about this new line of clothing," Fluttershy says softly.
>"Oh it'll be marvelous darling, ..."
>As you listen in on Rarity and Fluttershy's conversation you become dully aware of the strange lip smacking going on in the background.
>You turn to look at Pinkie and Applejack, figuring you'd see one of them enjoying a snack.
>They are...in a way.
>The two mares are going at eat other like...well like Pinkie and a Twinkie.
>A little bit of saliva drips down Applejack's neck, Pinkie gasps and moans.
>Turning your head in confusion you spot Rainbow Dash and Twilight, RIGHT BEHIND FLUTTERSHY AND RARITY, making out.
"W-what are you guys doing?" you say, sitting up violently.
>"What's wrong Anon?" Fluttershy asks.
>"Burn your tongue?" Applejack says, giving Pinkie a lick.
>Looking down, you see you've gotten an erection.
>W-well, if ya can't beat em...beat off to them.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Fucking Pink in the stink, yo.
>Feels tight, man.
>Thrust, block, parry, riposte!
>"You like my donut hole, Anon?"
"OH BOY DO I," you yelp, nearing the edge.
>"Is it almost time for the frosting?"
"Yeah, quick, turn around."
>Pinkie happily switches around, putting her face right over your expanded dong.
>She laps at it as you jerk.
>Aw yeah.
>Dis is da good stuff man.
>You splatter across her tongue and face, think, creamy whi-
>W-what?
>You look down in shock, you can scarcely believe your eyes.
>Is that?
>It is.
>The light, fluid brown of chocolate milk.
>"What's wrong Nonny?" she says, your chocolate sperm trickling down her face.
>A beast reveals itself in the shadows of corner of the room, spiny dick pointed toward you.
>"Ass to mouth is bad practice," it says before disappearing.
>You throw up your arms to the heavens and let out a roar of rage.
>"DDDDISSSSCOOORDDD!"
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>You decide to pay a visit to the library.
>When you arrive you see Twilight in a spot of trouble, she's steeped up in books.
>Even with her magic she can't hold all those tomes.
>You stroll over to her beaming with pride, gathering a few of the books and helping her with the stacks she was balancing.
>She gulps hard, eyes watering, realizing what you've done.
>You smile warmly, happily, with several heavy books held in your strong arms.
>Her legs begin to tremble, her magic blinks in and out, tears stream down her cheeks as the weight of your oppression comes down on her in place of the books.
>"Th-thank y-ou."
>You bend down and whisper gently into her perked up ears, "It was my privilege."
 
>You take Rarity to a nice, calm restaurant on the west side of Ponyville.
>A nervous looking colt shows you to your table, bowing lowly as he leaves with your orders.
>You have a great time, Rarity is quite the conversationalist.
>Dinner comes and goes, and it was rather good.
>The shaky colt comes by, dropping the checkbook near me.
>You smile and nod to him, slipping your Bitcard into it.
>Rarity crushes her wine glass in shock, tears causing her makeup to run down her face.
>Stallions at other table's jaws drop, but one by one they stand, clapping their hooves together.
>With a confident, manly grin you hand the check back to the colt, who's shivers have stopped.
>"Th-thank."
"It was my privilege."
>You exit the restaurant, her arm wrapped around yours, with a honorable raging erection.
 
>While strolling down a snowy Ponyville street near the edge of town you spot a small frozen over pond.
>Skating on the pond is none other than Pinkie Pie.
>She's struggling a bit, giggling to herself as she floats on the ice like a wisp.
>Eventually she trips up and falls flat on her face.
>A smile warm enough to melt the ice curls across your face as you approach.
>Out of the corner of her eye she spots you, and panic sets in.
>You can smell her fear and oppression from across the snowy field.
>She scrambles to her hooves, but can't stay balanced.
>Gallantly and gracefully you walk across the ice, over to Pinkie.
>You extend a hand and pull her up to her hooves and she steadies.
>Her lip trembles and eyes water, a single tear falling to the ice below.
>"T-t-thaank--" she can't get it out, your oppression it too great.
>You say nothing, taking a big breath if cool winter air as she crumples into a sobbing mess.
 
>You walk to the forest from the pond, wishing to take in the sights of the snowy forest.
>Whilst strolling through the wintry woodlands you hear a cry of pain.
>Taking off in a dash you head toward the source of the scream.
>It's not longer after that you find Fluttershy, backed up against a tree, a timberwolf slowly approaching.
>You know what you must do, ripping off your shirt.
>She sees you and cries out again in a lower more crushed sort of yell.
>You tackle the wolf to the cold dirt below, looking up at Fluttershy.
>In a calm, joyous tone you say, "Run."
>She swallows roughly, choking back tears, "T-thank you."
>She hurries off into the forest.
>You easily overpower the wolf with your patriarchy, turns out it was a female.
 
>Winter passes by and Summer comes along.
>You been expressing your privilege for quite some time now, and it brings a smile to your face each time you wake up.
>In the market place you browse the stalls for a treat this afternoon.
>A small commotion catches your eye.
>An apple stall not too far away got a little ambitious while stacking their apples.
>A little mare in stetson is trying to gather all the spilled apples.
>Her associate comes over from behind the their stall, a proud strong red stallion.
>The stallion takes over, helping her with the apples and doing a very effective job.
>In a minute or two it's cleared up.
>You notice the scene has attracted a crowd, mares watch in horror and stallions smile wildly at the sight.
>"T-thank you," the mare says in a shaky voice, hardly holding back the waterworks.
>The red stallion nods and whispers oh-so- gently, "It was my privilege."
>A grand, kingly laugh escapes your lungs.
>You've done it, you've started the patriarchy.
>Your laugh continues, growing louder as the stallions and colts join in, rising together in a mighty chorus.
>From the ground emerges a mass of phallic objects, rising you up above the crowd.
>Down and up the streets phallic objects roll toward you, adding to the pillar of masculinity.
>Cackling is the only thing you can do as you're rocketed into space by the force of your manhood.
 
>The phallic phallus of space travel spends you to Canterlot, through a window in the castle and into the main throne hall.
>It's empty save for a single Alicorn.
>Celestia begins shaking, knowing full well who you are.
>The scrolls she's carrying fall to the ground unfurling and rolling around on the fine red carpet.
>You stalk forward, behind you mountains of penis like objects pour in through the cracked window.
>She knows what you are going to do, and backs off with trembling legs.
>You gather up her scrolls THRUSTING them toward her.
>"Th-, than-"
"No need, Princess, it was my privilege."
>As she breaks down into tears you're sent through the roof on another pillar of phalli*.
>Off to another world, to spread more manly cheer.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Day Kingly King in Equestria.
>You're decked out in your crown, and long flowing robes, the ensemble completed with goblet of cheap wine.
>On a whim you traverse the town in search of BOIershy, crossing the bridge to her house.
>With your free hand you knock on the round wood door.
>While waiting you stroke your marvelous beard.
>A little yellow pony face bops up in the window.
>You dart to it, pressing your large greasy nose on the glass plate.
"MUH BOI."
>She shrieks and ducks down.
>You rap at the window, looking down at her whimpering against the wall.
>"I-I'm not home, A-anonymous."
"YES YOU ARE, I SEE YOU RIGHT THERE, MEH BO," you say in your royal voice.
>"P-please, I'm not feeling well, come b-back another time, please."
>You get closer, nose in a painful position.
>You haven't closed your eyes in several seconds, you now rub those gritty sore eyes all over her window to get a better view.
>Damn shame your eye juices are blocking the view.
"HAVE YOU SCRUBED THE FLOORS RECENTLY, MY BOIE?"
>"Anon, please, my name is F-fluttershy."
>You feel your tongue move in your mouth slowly, and your face scrunching up in effort.
"Fffssffllluuuhhh -- MAY BOI."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>"Discord, today we will be doing goodness training," Fluttershy says softly.
>You sit on a blanket next to her in a grassy field, starring blankly up at the clouds.
>"Anon, could you stand up please?"
>Doing so you drop your wallet, watch, handkerchief and everything else in your pockets.
>"Oh, p-perfect. Discord, could you help Anonymous with his things."
>Discord squints at you and grins, scooping up a wallet from the floor.
>You smile mindlessly at him.
>"I do believe this is yours."
>You glance at it, it doesn't seem familiar.
"Nope."
>"Here- Wait what? This is your wallet."
"No, it isn't."
>You can hear the sound of Discord's teeth grinding together, he seems upset.
>"Look here, this is your ID isn't it? You are Anon Y. Mous, aren't you?"
>He hands you a piece of cardboard with something scribbled on it.
"Yeah that's me," you say, pointing at the silly photo on in the corner.
>"I found that in this wallet. Thus, this must be your wallet."
"Nope, I don't think so."
>Discord's little claws crush the ID and the wallet.
>"You bumbling buffoon. This is clearly yours."
>He shoves the leather wallet into your chest and storms off.
>"W-wait come back!" Fluttershy calls, dashing after him.
>You look down at the grass.
"Hey look, my wallet!"
>In the distance Discord lets loose a cry of rage.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Working at the bakery is work, yo.
>Good thing you're on phone duty.
>Doing the counter and walk-ins is a hellish nightmare.
>All you have to do now is answer the phone.
>How could you screw this up?
>Balancing a pencil on your nose takes up most of your time, and god almighty is it fucking hard.
>The phone rings, sending you shooting forward, sliding out of your chair.
>You smash your face on the table trying to answer the caller, but it's all good, your lip is only bleeding a lil bit.
>"Hello, is this Sugar Cube Corner."
"Nah, this is Anon."
>"Oops, wrong number, sorry."
"S'all good," you say, hanging up early just in case a customer calls.
>Some more time passes, you get more cuts on your face - the usual.
>The telly rings again and you grab the thing up.
"Wasup?"
>"Is this Sugar Cube Corner?"
"No, this is Anon!"
>You promptly hang up the phone, a little ticked now.
>"Hey, Nonny," Pinkie bounds into the room happily.
"Hi. How's it going out there?"
>"Great! I just came by to tell you that you're a fuckin' moron."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
"Pinkie I got all the list right here. These ponies got some unusual names."
>"Who's up first?" Pinkie says, hooves dug into some dough.
"Who is."
>"No, Nonny who's the first pony on the list?"
"Who is."
>Pinkie flicks her head back at you.
>"Stop being silly. Who's the first customer?"
"Yeah that's right."
>She stares at you for a good five minutes, and you stare back, smiling.
>"Anon, who is our first customer?"
"Yes, that's right."
>She stops kneading dough.
>"When we send this cake out, who is going to get it."
"Exactly!"
>Pinkie's body starts shivering in anger and confusion.
>She looks like she's going to explode.
>"Anon, who's the second customer on the list?"
"Who's first, what's second."
 
>Weeks later and they're still cleaning the pink from the ceiling.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>There's a knock at the door.
"Come in."
>Twilight Sparkle enters your office looking rather nervous.
>You rise up from your desk and shake her hoof, sitting back down again.
"Have a seat."
>Twilight plops down in the chair, fidgeting.
"Could you stand up again?"
>She gives you a look, "Excuse me?"
"Could you please stand up."
>Twilight does so.
"Now, take your seat."
>"Excuse me?"
"Take a seat, please."
>She does so, shaking more than before.
"Good morning."
>"G-good morning."
"You know it's afternoon, right?"
>"Yes, yes I do."
"Then why did you you just say good morning."
>"W-well-"
>You cover your paper with your arm, scribbling something down.
>Twilight starts to mewl lowly, shifting in her seat.
>"T-this is the interview for Star swirl Academy, yes?"
"Yes it is."
>You swipe your little bell from the table, ringing it.
"Goood a-nnight."
>Twilight's eyes widen.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>"Anonymous, you're the only one with the skills to get this," Twilight claims, slamming her hooves on the blueprints of Canterlot Castle.
>You mull over it for a second.
>It's a high risk job.
"I'll do it."
>"Great. Remember, they'll be right on Celestia's nightstand. I'll be in touch from the mic."
 
>You slowly inch open the window to Celestia's chambers.
>Moonlight trickles in from the starry sky above.
>The room is empty, not a soul in sight.
>Slipping in you maneuver around the bed and closet to the night table.
>Searching the draws, and the immediate area nets you nothing.
>No photos, nowhere.
"Twilight," you hiss into your mic.
>"What? What's the matter?"
"I can't fine 'em."
>"Keep looking, I need them."
"Wait I hear something."
>The sound of hoofsteps sends a shock up your spine.
>You hop to, looking for a place to hide.
>The closet is empty and you dive in at the last second, just in time.
 
>The door creaks open and closes shortly after.
>It's Celestia, she sighs heavily and stretches out on the bed.
>You find a small peephole in the closet, it gives you a perfect of the bed.
>How convenient.
>She tosses and turns, folding and unfolding her wings until finally she lays on her back, wings flared out.
>One of her hoofs drifts down her pure white, and probably soft belly, lower and lower.
>She revs up her own engines pretty quickly.
>"Hey, what's going on? What happened?"
>You got your eye glued on the peephole, your wood brushing against the cold wood of the closet door.
>Celestia begins moaning and panting.
>Oh yeah, that's fine with you.
>Sometime passes and she stops suddenly.
>Your blood runs cold, she may have heard you.
>"Well...are you going to come out of there?"
>She uses her magic to slowly open the closet.
>You tumble out, looking nervous.
>"Hop on the bed," she says with a grin.
>You throw off your mic, and your clothes.
>Sometime during the night you heard a low voice in the dark.
>"Anon? Anon!? ANNOONNN?"
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>"C'mon, it's not gay if /they/ don't touch," Big Mac says lowly.
>You ponder it for a moment.
>Seems like a legitimate statement.
>You drop your pants in a second, smacking the stallion in the face with your already growing prick.
>He turns around and gives you full permission to plow his field.
>You have at, and keep havin' at.
>He grunts and moans sexually.
>All the better.
>So hard are you having at that you don't even realize it when the barn door swings open.
>"Aw gosh whaddya doin'?" Applejack shouts.
>Big Mac looks up in fear.
>You remain calm.
"Just bucking apples, you?"
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Day bull Anon testosterone in Equestria.
>You wake up, sitting up and stretching.
>A chilly breeze comes in through the window.
>The drapes flutter with the wind.
>Immediately you notice the shards of glass littered on the floor.
>Huh? Did someone break in?
>Your unusually warm, and your blanket is awfully soft, and squirmy.
>Looking down you discover the culprits.
>It's Pinkie Pie, wrapped around your midsection snoring lowly.
>Hooked on your legs is Twilight and Fluttershy.
"Aw damn," you whisper, looking at the splintered remains of your bedroom door.
>You struggle to get out of bed, held down by the weight of three ponies.
>Hey, at least you don't have to dress with Pinkie's butt covering your cock and Twilight/Flutters keeping your legs warm.
>You whip up some breakfast and head out for the day.
>A scream echoes throughout the quickly filling streets of Ponyville.
>Gasps and outcry follow it.
>You're assaulted from many angles, mint, cream, berry and all sorts of colors coming from every direction.
>Mares latch onto you like a magnet.
>You see Rarity hanging on to a lamppost, you wave to her just as her grip loosens, sending her flying right onto your face, her muff muffling you.
>Adjusting her takes some time but you get full visibility soon enough.
>It's hard too move with all these mares holding you down and rubbing on you, but you make do.
>Just another day in Ponyville.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>After a long day of work you travel down to Twilight's library to gather with the rest of her friends.
>They're all there before you, looking a little impatient.
"So Twilight, where are we all going for dinner?"
>"I found this nice little restaurant on the west side of Ponyville, I've already made the reservations for a patio table," she says with pride.
>Rarity nods in approval, "Is that new one, dear?"
>"Uh-huh."
>Rainbow Dash twitches uncomfortably, her stomach growling.
>"Ah am famished," Applejack says lightly.
>"Yup, my tummy is rumbling," Pinkie adds on.
>You chuckle.
"Me too, in fact, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse."
>All eyes flick to you and the room falls dead silent.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Day shiny clothes and cardboard box.
>Beatbox slung over your shoulder you shuffle down the streets of Ponyville.
>But this isn't a down in the dumps kinda shuffling, no sire.
>This is an awkwardly exciting captivating shuffle.
>Now what is giving rise to this strange dance?
>The music blasting from your boombox of course.
>As you drift down the lane ponies cover their ears and trot away from you.
>Once in awhile you catch a cool cat who joins in the festivities, but no luck today.
>It seems your infectious beats do not affect these here ponies.
>You see a couple on the corner, a teary eyed stallion pressed up against the wall and a mare trying to console him.
>"Sorry, it just isn't going to work."
>"B-but, maybe-" he sniffles.
>You come into earshot, head bobbing to the side and feet tapping the cobble.
>Your robot cardboard head does the smiling for you as you near the couple.
>The stallion's brow furrows.
>"Hey buck off."
>Ignoring him, you get closer, shufflin' and party rocking uncomfortably close to them.
>The mare inches back in disgust and confusion, that's cool.
>You get closer, rubbing yourself on her.
>The stallion attempts to grab your throat with his hoovsies, "I said back the fuck off!?"
>Taking the hint, you spin on a heel and moonwalk backward, giving the pair the guns with your free hand.
"Sorry for party rocking."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Wow Equestria's TV shows suck.
>It's all the same, cheap drama or silly action movies.
>And the romance shows, dear god they're awful.
>You need something to do, something to get your mind off of this that doesn't involve moving off the couch.
"Twilight, get me a coke."
>She perks up from position next to you.
>She looks to you, then the TV nervously.
"Please?"
>She nods and scurries off into the kitchen.
>Well that was easy.
>Twilight's back in an instant with a small can of cola.
>She hoofs it over and takes her place next to you.
>Nice, very nice.
>You crack it open and take a sip.
"Gah, could you get me a cup and some ice, this is warm."
>She looks up at you with not annoyance but uncertainty.
"P-please?"
>Wordlessly she hurries off and back, even pouring it into the cup for you.
>A few minutes pass.
>You wonder if you could press Twilight's generosity once more.
"I could really use some chips."
>She doesn't need conformation for this one, heading off and coming back with that big red bowl you liked.
"Thanks," you say suspiciously.
>She doesn't notice, paying close attention to the television.
>The night drags on, a little better now that you have something to munch on.
>"Anonymous, did you do that studying I /suggested/?" she asks coarsely.
>Oh this shit again.
"Nope."
>"You should, why not do it now?"
"Oh blow me, Twilight, I'm a grown man. I don't need to study."
>"Okay."
"What?" you turn to her just as she dives into your pants.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>"I need a doctor!" Twilight calls, running down Canterlot's main hall.
>You slip out of your room and you slam right into her.
"Hey, Twi."
>"Anon, you're a doctor right?" she says with fear.
"Well, my dad was a Vet. He worked with horses on our farm. So, no, not at all."
>"Great you gotta help me."
"What's the matter?"
>"It's the Princess, she's gotten rather large but she doesn't believe me when I tell her she's unhealthy. Can you convince her?"
"Uh, why do you need a doctor for that?"
>"I-I wanted a medical professional's opinion."
"But I'm not a medical professional, Twilight."
>"Can't you just press the truth a little?"
"I'll try..."
 
>You slowly open the door to Celestia's chambers, peeking in.
>You can see a large lumpy white mass writhing on a smashed bed.
>This thing can only be described as a albino narwhal.
>"Who's there?"
>You gulp hard and enter.
"It's me, Doctor..eh, Dre?"
>Small things like forks, photos, even a damn plate rotate around Celestia.
>Must be magic or something.
>"Well hello, have you seen my servants, they're suppose to bring my cake 'round."
>Scanning the room you see a platter near you on a short table, a fine looking cake and utensils all set up.
"It's right here."
>"Could you be a dear?"
>Gingerly you cut a slice of cake for the princess.
"Catch," you say calmly, throwing the piece toward you, hoping to test a hypothesis.
>Instead of splashing across her the thing drifts there, floating, slowly circling around her.
>At first you thing it's magic, but no, Celestia's horn isn't lit and the cake hasn't got that hazy mist on it.
"Huh, everything really does revolve around the sun."
>"What's that?" she asks, taking a bite of the cake as it passes her face.
>Crumbs and frosting coat her mouth.
"This...this is no good. It's my opinion, as a physician, and a famous black man that you need to go on a diet."
>"Nonsense! I'm perfectly health."
"You can hardly move, your meals consist of cake and cake and you have a gravitational pull."
>"I can move, look, here I'm moving!" he stubby legs kick at the air feebly.
"Here, I'm gonna give it too you straight. You're fucking fat. It's time to eat a carrot or something. Enough with the cake, that stuff is like pure sugar."
>"You're dismissed."
"But we haven't solved your problem yet."
>"I'll call the guard."
>Are you getting payed for this?
>Nope.
"So long, dis ain't worth it."
>Twilight stops you as you leave.
>"What happened? Did she listen to you?"
"Nah sorry, but..."
>"What is it?" she asks pleadingly.
>You kneel and grab her horse shoulders (because those are real things ya know).
"The ass was fat."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>You sneeze loudly, breaking the silence in Twilight's library.
>"Are you sick?" Twilight asks comfortingly.
"Nah, just some allergies."
>"You have allergies?"
"Yup. It's getting around autumn so they're really kicking in now."
>"Oh, is it that bad?" she looks up from her book with those big purple eyes.
"Not really, just common hay fever and stuff."
>She sits bolt upright, covering her mouth with her hoof, you can see her begin to tremble.
>"D-did you say hay fever?"
"Yeah, what's the matter?"
>She gulps hard, backing off into the kitchen.
>"Just stay right there, I need to make a call."
"What's gotten into you?"
>"Just stay put!"
>You return to your book, thinking nothing of it.
>With a loud slam the door bursts open, splinters pelting you.
"Hey what the fuc-"
>Several white ponies in masks and suits descend on you from many directions.
>The swiftly knock you unconscious...
 
>Your eyes flutter open, ears taking in the steady beeps of medical equipment.
>Around you white ponies move around and examine clip boards, occasionally looking over at you.
>Trying to get up is futile, they've got you strapped in tight.
>You try and call out, try to explain that all you've got is allergies but something is covering your mouth, some sort of breathing apparatus.
>Someone gasps, "He's awake."
>A few ponies come to your bed, their horsey faces looking over you.
>"You're gonna be okay, we're going to beat this hay fever."
"Da hell you talkin' about?" you try to say.
>Nothing comes out.
>Today was a allergic rhinitis kinda day.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
"Yo wan sum fuk?" you ask with confidence.
>Twilight grins madly and hops on top of you.
>Cue sax, much sax.
>Came inside because they ain't no such thing as satyrs.
 
>You're smoking a cigar, sipping whiskey from a low-ball, relishing the afterglow.
>Where the fuck did you even get this?
>Twilight's at your side breathing heavy and winding down.
>A few silent minutes of calm pass, then you feel something wet nibbling at your arm.
>Looking over with mild interest you see Twilight with her horsey lips munching on your forearm playfully.
>She looks up at you as if to ask if she is doing a good job.
"What are you doing?"
>You don't feel the need to move your arm free.
>"I-I thought you said human females eat the males after coitus."
"See, this is exactly why you were a virgin all these years, also who da fuck calls it coitus?"
>She starts sniffling, tears mingling with saliva as she halfheartedly chews your arm.
>Today was a half-assed kinda day.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>You walk up into Rarity's, ready to pick up the suit you had ordered a week ago.
>There is a little bell on the counter, you ring it and she comes around from the back, tape measure around her neck, hair disheveled.
"Hey, I'm is that thing I ordered in yet?"
>"Yes, darling, it's right in the back. Sorry for my appearance, it's been a long day. Why don't you have a seat right there?" she waves her hoof toward a couch in the side.
>She trots off to the back and you plop down on the - JESUS CHRIST
"MY ASS HAS BEEN PENETRATED!" you shout, launching forward.
>You knock into a coffee table and roll to the floor, hand reaching back into your violated rear-end.
>From the depths you pull a magic marker.
>Sweetie Belle and Rarity come running from the back.
>"Oh, Anonymous are you alright?" Rarity asks.
>"My marker! I was looking for that all day."
 
>Coming home from a long day of work you just want to lay down with your shoes and socks off.
>You unlock the door, toss down your bag and slip off your dress shoes.
>A faint sound catches your ear.
>You freeze, remembering some news clip you over heard about a cat-burglar.
>Or a pony burglar.
>Creeping forward you ease into the bedroom, catching a glimpse of pink pony butt.
>But this isn't Pinkie's kind of Pink, nah this is lighter.
>You push open the door, going aggressive.
>Fuck, you're a grown ass man you can take some pink pony bitch.
>You freeze in place, dumbfound with the scene before you.
>It's Cadance, the batshit crazy hoe you dropped a couple months back.
>She's got a pair of your used boxers on her horn, another on her nose and your nice jeans on her hindlegs.
"Get outta my house you fucking insane bitch," you yell, waving your arms at her like you would be shooing away a bird.
>She hops out of an open window like a goddamn gazelle.
 
>All your doors, windows and vents are locked up tight.
>You curl in bed, trying to get to sleep.
>Drifting into a dream only takes a few minutes...
 
>Hot breath washes over your face.
>You blink your eyes open to a pink horse face.
>She's sitting on your chest, dripping some wet stuff on your abdomen.
>Where's your shirt?
>You try to bring your hand up for a slap but instead you get a rattle.
>Looking up you find pink fuzzy handcuffs are keeping you locked up to the headboard.
"What the hell is going on?"
>"I'm hear to show you how I got my cutie mark."
>Crazy in pink slithers down your body and pulls off your draws.
>You close your eyes, wincing; you're expecting a warm mouth to wrap around your stiffening member but none comes.
>Instead something chilly touches the area around your groin.
>Glancing down out of one eye you watch in confusion as Cadance places candy sweethearts on your cock.
>She smiles at you and bats her eyes.
>Her tongue rolls out, licking you and each one of the candies.
>She takes turns licking all of it.
>Why is this so arousing?
>What the fuck is even going on.
>"Oh you like that?"
>Yeah I guess I dunno.
>Those candies fucking suck though.
>Cadance starts moaning pleasing herself as she does her licking rounds.
>She picks up on of the candies in her mouth, holding it with her teeth.
>Bringing it close she shows it too you, it reads "Love you".
>She crushes it, candy dust falling on your chest.
>Intimidation huh?
>Fetching another one she feeds it to you.
>Wow thanks so much some bland ass fucking heart shaped thing, can you just fuck me and get out?
>"Time for the main course."
>She flips around effortlessly, her cunt lips kissing yours.
>You were not ready for that.
>She gets to work on you, and starts rubbing herself on your face when you don't start licking.
>Oh god there's pussy juice up your fucking nose.
>You lap at her meekly, tasting her passion.
>Whoa you taste like fucking nothing, just like those damn hearts, fuck this shit ain't even sweet.
>It's like drinking water.
>You want some flavor when you munch the muff.
>After a few minutes she cums hard, you narrowly evade a rush of Dasani.
>She giggles and moans like the whore of Babylon.
>It takes a fucking whole hour of her mediocre head-work to get you to cum.
>"W-wow that was a great night."
>Not fucking really, I could go around the corner and get a better one for ten bits with that slut Fluttershy.
"Yeah whatever can you undo these cuffs now?"
>"Only if you say please," she plants a kiss on your mouth.
"Bitch please, I ain't asking again."
>Her face screws up in confusion, she drops a key on your chest and hops out a window, blowing another kiss to you.
>Your maid is gonna have a interesting day tomorrow.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Day Fixin' up the library with Trip OG Spike-zzizle.
>"Yo homie, where dat good shit at?" Spike asks, adjusting his purple shades.
"Hold up a fucking second, let's clean up a bit before we get smashed. Remember what happened last time with the quills and the ink?"
>Spike rolls his eyes and throws you a book.
>You make the winning catch, tossing that bitch on a shelf.
>The clock ticks by as you and the little dragon tidy up.
"Hey have you seen Twilight?"
>"She's upstairs. Sick I think."
"Good she won't mind then."
 
>You lean back, gripping the ladder with one arm, the other stretched full length.
"Spike, the scroll, grab it retard."
>"What's that mean?"
"It means you're a fuckin-"
>Something wet and warm wraps around your arm.
>Whatever it is takes a deep draw of breath.
>Slowly your head tilts back, Twilight coming into view.
>Her eyes have bags under them and her mane is all messy.
>"My tummy hurts," she groans.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Taking a nap like a motherfucker.
>All the mother-fucking gets them real worn out, they need their rest.
>...What you're trying to say is you're really tired and you're catching forty winks.
>You'd be getting to sleep faster if you were in your own bed.
>But no Derpy had to crash through your fucking roof during a snowstorm.
>Now you're crashing with her, cuddled up in her bed keeping warm.
>She's shaking like mad, despite being wrapped up in blankets and you.
>You slowly drift into dreamland with her against your chest, hopefully Luna doesn't visit you tonight.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Waking up late at night you squint, trying to figure out what woke you up.
>Your fingers are in something wet...
>Throwing off the blanket you reveal Derpy sleepily sucking on your fingers, her tongue lolls out of her mouth into your hand.
>Weird shit.
>You shake her awake.
"Hey," you whisper, "You're licking the wrong thing."
>She looks up at you, one eye rolling to the side.
>"Oh right sorry, Anon."
>Tonight wasn't so bad.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Time Turner sidles up to the counter just as you come to the front of the store.
"Pinkie I cleaned up the mess in the back, what should I do now?"
>"Just sweep the floor or something," she says, shooing you away with a hoof.
>You grab a broom and get to work just like you did in the back.
>It's kinda stupid that you have to use such a small little knob to sweep up dust but that's how it works.
>The broom makes a horrible scratching noise as you rake it across the wood.
>Turner walks up to you, his smoothie in hoof.
>Taking a big sip he lets out a sigh of content.
>"Hey pal, you just blow in from stupid town?" he says calmly.
"Haha! No, joke's on you, I was only pretending to be retarded."
>With a grin on your face you munch the broom bristles, relishing in Turner's defeat.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>The night is winding down, you and Twilight have just wrapped up a moonlight dinner.
>She snuggles close to you, nuzzling your chest.
>You wrap your arm around her, running your fingers through her hair.
>You've been friends for a long time but it's still early on in the relationship, yet you have a feeling this is going to be a good one.
>Twilight just clicks with you, she understands you.
>Your chest starts to feel warm with emotion and calm.
>This, hands down, is your best night in Equestria and it isn't even over.
"I like this."
>"What?"
>You sit up and she follows suit.
"I like you and me. This could work. Don't you think?"
>She smiles coyly, "Yes, y-your the first person I felt comfortable around, I mean, as special someponies go."
>You can't help but feel confident and carefree.
"It's just me, you and the moon, huh?"
>"Yup. We're all alone," she responds, softly.
>She leans in a little, her chest fur brushing against the arm holding you up.
>Realizing what's going on you tilt toward her, hoping you can pull off a good one.
>"Hey! You two should kiss!" someone yells.
>You jump back, tumbling down; Twilight shrugs away from you.
>On the hill behind you Luna stands, wings flared and eyes wide.
>Fuck the moon.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Around noon a knock comes at the door.
>With a grunt you get out of your comfy chair and answer the door.
>It's the usual suspects, looking a little distraught.
"What's wrong guys?"
>"Ya gotta hide us, Anon," Applejack pleas.
>"Pretty please!" Pinkie adds.
"Whoa, whoa what's the matter?"
>You look out behind them, the streets are clear and the sky is getting cloudy.
>"Zebras, a whole bunch of 'em, headed this way," Rainbow explains.
"You scared of a few zebras?"
>"You don't understand, you've never seen them in groups have you?" Twilight asks.
"Nah just Zecora once in awhile. She ain't so bad."
>"Yes, darling, that's because she's not one...of them."
"Of who?"
>A loud rumble, like the sound of a stampede, shakes Ponyville.
>"Quickly, inside."
>The ponies push past you.
"What's going on out there?"
>You try to step out, but Pinkie grabs you.
>"Don't be a hero."
>You shake free and head outside.
>The door slams shut behind you.
>A loud racket fills the air, like a hum of a swarm.
>Down the road to the left you see a large cloud of kicked up dust, and a horde of zebra.
>Their chant becomes clearer as they near.
>"Huheuheuehuheuehehirrhueuehehurrr."
"Hey, hey, what's going on?"
>The rush forward, eyes wide.
>The zebras circle you, all trying to touch you.
>"Gib bits pls. Bits. Gib. Moni. I repore you to gurd if no mony. Gib. Gib."
>Their heads sway as they move like demented fish.
>You attempted to escape their grasp, to get back inside, to no avail.
>"Hueheuheuheueheueh."
>The swarm swallows you.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>You go about your day covered in writhing mares.
>Literally drowning in the pussy.
>A small group of stallions spies you from down the street.
>One squints at you and spits.
>Not wanting trouble you continue to work, attracting more fillies and mares like a magnet would iron filings.
>The work day ends quick enough; strangely, your only customers were stallions today.
>Several of them flinched whenever you tried to hand them their purchases, weird.
>Walking home is calm for the most part.
>The sun is setting peacefully in the sky and dusk is falling over the town.
>The streets are eerily quiet and you have the strange feeling someone is following you.
>You evade shadows, and pick up your pace, which is hard seeing as you're covered in moaning ponies.
>Your stalker forces you into a dead-end alley.
>Twirling around you find yourself surrounded by nervous and angry looking stallions.
>"We want our mares back, Anon," one growls.
>Gulping, you shuffle back.
>They advance forward with determination.
>Assessing your options, you realize there is only one way out of this.
"You best back the fuck up," you say, raising up your arms and showing off the guns.
>There is a pony curled lovingly around each of your arms.
"Before you get smacked the fuck up."
>One of the stallions squeaks and runs away.
>It's only a few seconds before his friends follow suit.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>There is nothing fun to do in Equestria.
>Well there is a few things some people might find fun.
>Like parties, balloons or destroying your favorite characters without remorse.
>But, you don't find parties, balloons or rape fun at all.
>You like trickery and deception.
>Which, in a land full of talking horses that take everything at face value isn't hard at all.
>You could even impersonate a pony if you wanted to for you had a horse mask.
>A cozy rubbery horse face, when you but it on no one will be able to recognize you.
>Hopefully.
>Grabbing a can of paint you go to town on the mask, coloring it a light orange, similar to Applejack's coat.
>The end product is marvelous.
>The mask alone won't conceal your identity, the ponies know you too well, and they know your clothes.
>So, you strip, slide into the floppy mask and sneak out of your house through the back door.
>Walking out into the street you start to feel a little strange being in the nude.
>But any lack of confidence would give you away so you stroll down the street with an air of cheer, arms swinging freely.
>Ponies give you odd looks or shrug away from your warpath to Sugar Cube Corner.
>You get close to Golden Harvest on the road, swinging your snout back and forth in some sort of greeting.
>She giggles and gallops away in laughs.
>With glee you push open the door to SCC, Pinkie greets you shaking your hand vigorously and showing you today's specials, she don't even mind you cock accidentally hitting her in the face as you turn around to face Mrs. Cake.
>She screeches and drops the tray of honey buns in her hoofs and runs into the back.
>"Hi, what's your name? Mine's Pinkie, I bake stuff."
"Name is Hosre," you say in a squeaky imitation of a young boy.
>"Hi Hosre. Would you like some cake, or maybe a danish? Or perhaps a string of taffy?"
"All of it, please."
>You reach down behind your sack, withdrawing a small brown bag of bits.
>How they fit behind your balls is a mystery to all.
 
>With handfuls of sweets and a smile no one can see you happily half-trot out of the store, a waving Pinkie sending you out.
>Where could you go now?
>Shoving some taffy into the little hole at the tip of the horse mask is hard work, but it reaches your mouth well enough.
>Perhaps Twilight's place.
>Oh she'd flip if she saw you running around the library with food.
>So you head toward her house ready to break in and start the party.
>Spike lets you without question, just a strange look.
"Twilight, I've brought you something," you skraw at her.
>She comes down the stairs in a hurry to meet this "stranger".
>You hold your arms out, in one hand a crushed slice of cake, frosting and bits of the fluffy moist meat falling to the floor between your fingers.
>In the other a smashed danish, the still warm frosting threatening to drip to the floor.
>"No! Anon what are you doing."
"Neigh, am not Anon. Name's Hosre, Hosre."
>"What?" she asks, perplexed expression unwavering as she uses magic to clean up your mess and confiscated the pastries.
"You like present?"
>"Huh? Do you know Anon? What are you doing here? Where did you get this?" she asks a mile a minute.
"No. Hosre. Nay, neigh."
>You do your best impression of the shudder horses sometimes do, rubber snout flopping back and forth.
 
>It was hard to contain your laughter as Twilight shooed you out of the library.
>You kept your cool halfway down the street before collapsing into a shuddering laughing horse-man.
 
>Now you sit at home, drinking some juice from the juice box.
>A knock comes at the door, sending you rocketing up.
>You answer, dressed and maskless.
>It's Twilight, and an embarrassed looking Applejack.
"Sup, want some fruit punch?" you show off your crushed juice box, the straw gnawed, a string of saliva slowly descending.
>"No, I've come to ask a few questions."
>Applejack rubs her foreleg.
"About?"
>"Yesterday a very human and very horse creature came to my library. He had your and Applejack's features. So I've come to ask: Have you engaged in amorous activities with Applejack?"
>Just as planned.
"Nope, right AJ?" you say with confidence.
>Twilight gives her the daggers.
>"T-that's right. I've never had the sexual with A-anon."
>You smile and nod.
>"Are you sure?"
>"Ye-" Applejack starts gagging, hunching over.
>She gags and hits her chest.
>After one rough cough a whole apple spits out onto the ground below.
>"Aha! You always throw up an apple when you lie!"
"The fuck? We've never had sex before, how is that a lie."
>Applejack looks up to you with puppy eyes.
>"Well...that time you fell asleep at the farm..."
>Your jaw falls open on its own, you don't believe it.
"I was raped," you say softly.
>Applejack looks away and Twilight shakes her head in disappointed.
"That ain't so bad."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
"Keep going."
>You keep your pistol trained on the back of Big Macintosh's head.
>This son of a bitch was going down.
>First murder in over six hundred years, and you fucking caught the killer.
>"I swear it was an accident," he sniffles, looking back at you.
>Leaves fall from the bleak looking trees, their branches seem to reach out toward you and him.
"I said keep walking."
>He gulps hard and continues with no small amount of reluctance.
>The wind picks up, sending grey clouds over this sparse portion of the Everfree.
>Big Mac leads you farther and farther away from the main forest, toward a grim looking river.
>The cold waters are whipped about by the wind, splashing roughly against rocks.
>He stops abruptly at the edge of the river.
>You inch forward down the short but steep incline, sliding down the dirt and into the dry leaves below.
"Where is she?"
>His head droops down.
>"By that tree," he says dejectedly, gesturing toward a long dead oak near the incline.
>The smell of rot can be faintly detected in the air.
>Leaning against the hollowed out tree is a short shovel, perfect for a pony.
>The fact that he left such obvious evidence is a testament to how "inexperienced" these ponies were with murder.
>That just makes it easier for you.
"Dig her up."
>He looks back at you, eyes wet with tears.
>You stare back at him apathetically, this is not the first time you've dealt with this.
>"It was an accident! I ain't lying, I never meant to do it. She scared me and I hit her by accident. It was an accident."
>He starts choking up, tears streaming down his face.
>"Please, don't make me do it, just let me go. Please."
>You raise your gun to him again, pulling back the hammer.
"Dig."
>He collapses into a sobbing, mewling mess, face first in the dirt.
>"Please, I'll do anything."
"Then dig."
>He groans, trying to bring himself back to his hooves.
"You're burning daylight Mister Macintosh," you declare loudly.
 
>He struggles toward the old oak, shakily trudging through the leaves.
>Snatching up the shovel, he dives it into the dirt with vigor.
>With his back turned to you, he leans against it, crying softly.
>You grit your teeth and bear through it.
>He continues after a moment, the sound of his digging almost drowned out by the harsh noise of the river and wind.
>Occasionally he stops and sobs, perhaps with a hope that you'll feel some sympathy for him.
>But, after all these years of work you're immune to it.
>He catches on after the fifth or so "break", devoting his energy to digging.
>Some time passes, and eventually he just drops the shovel to the side, trotting over to you with his head low.
>You scowl at him, cautiously advancing toward the hole in the ground.
>It's not deep, about three or four feet down.
>The stench of death loom over the hole
>Worms and bugs squirm around in the dirt.
>Maggots crawl about around the now grayish yellow coat of the crumpled body inside.
>You sigh, looking down at the corpse sadly.
>Being able to deal with the criminal's sob stories is one thing you've learned to do.
>But this, dealing with this?
>It never gets easier.
>Her dirty pink bow, now hardly tied on, flutters in the wind, a light flapping noise seems to be the only thing you can hear.
>With a sick feeling in your stomach you turn toward Big Mac.
>You can't save them all...
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>The wind blows back your hair, and the mane of your mighty steed as you gallop into town.
>You bring your mount to a slow and find a post to string him up.
>As you dismount he falls to his side with a clunk.
"Yes, it's been a tough day. I'll get you something to drink."
>You're shuffle down the road, hoping Rusty doesn't get too thirsty when you bump in Rainbow Dash.
"Ah, Dash, my esteemed friend and fellow adventurer."
>"What the hay are you talking about? Why are you wearing a cardboard box and a bed sheet?"
>You laugh heavily, placing a hand on your coldsteel breastplate.
"This armor is no joke, my dear Rainbow."
>She pokes it with a hoof, leaving a dent.
>No matter, that could be banged out.
"Easy! You'll hurt yourself."
>She looks at you as if you had five heads, and were dressed up armor crafted from the finest tissue boxes in all the land.
>Her head pokes to the side, looking past you.
>"Hey is that your toy horsey there?" she points her off at something in the distance.
>You spin around on a heel, she's gesturing toward Rusty.
"That is no toy, pony, that is a dangerous warhorse."
>"Yeah, right," she rolls her eyes at you.
"I care not if you insult me, but don't you dare speak of Rusty that way."
>You lay a band on your sheathed sword.
"Hold your tongue, or you'll face fierce retribution."
>"Oh yeah, a wooden sword. I'm reeeeeaaal scared."
>You squint at her, throwing down your helmet and turning around.
>Despite your anger you're held to a code, a white knight may never harm a mare.
>You mount your horse, petting his mane.
"Make haste, Rusty, there is nothing here for us."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Princess Sparkle strolls over to your post on the wall.
>You tense up and look forward.
"Good morning, Princess."
>"Hello Anonymous. How goes the guard duty?"
>Still at attention you answer with a brief smile and a nod.
>"Could you tell me about your responsibilities as a watchpony?"
"Of course Princess," you relax yourself a bit, turning your attention to her, "It is very simple, I watch the walls and countryside for intruders. But sometimes I get placed on a special post during events or the like."
>"Hmm. Surely it gets boring just standing around?"
>A single droplet of sweat rolls down your forehead.
>"What do you do to stay entertained?" she looks up at you with big innocent eyes.
"Well, I uh..."
>"Go on."
>You lean in toward her.
"My armor is a little sticky, if you catch my drift."
>She recoils, giving you a skeptical look.
>"I don't think I understand."
>You look this way and that.
"Do you recall the Invasion of Canterlot?"
>"Y-yes."
"Fapped."
>She takes a step back.
"The wedding?"
>She gulps, blinking a few times in worry.
"Fapped."
>She starts shaking.
"Your princess coronation?"
>You hold up two fingers.
"Fapped twice."
>Twilight screams and runs off down the path.
>That's what she gets for poking around while you're on guard duty.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>You peer down the aisle, catching notice of a shaking looking stallion with some peculiar items in his cart.
>Sugar, flour, many chemicals and cleaning products, as well as some glassware.
>Huh, he has everything to make...
>Wait, flour?
>You stroll over to him calmly.
>He gets spooked by your appearance and shrugs back.
"You're cutting it?"
>"E-excuse me?"
"The flour, that isn't an ingredient."
>He gulps and his eyes go wide.
>You pick up one of the cleaners he has.
"Mixing this in will kill someone."
>You shake your head and toss it back in.
"Do you even know what you're doing?"
>He starts breathing rapidly, stumbling down the hall as he tried to get away.
>You make a few purchase of your own, hoping to refill your own stock.
>Unlike that amateur you're only buying one or two products related to production.
>What an idiot.
>Bag in hand you exit, making your way down the street without a hitch.
>That is until you pass a shady looking alley.
>"T-that's him!"
>You turn toward the shadow dead-end.
>The chump from the store looks at you with fearful eyes, a tough red stallion stares you down.
>Dropping your bag you walk up to him, literally staring him down.
>He may be large, but you are larger.
>He growls, but his facade cracks; his eye dashes to the side and he gives an inch.
>You lean down toward him.
"Stay out of my territory."
>Without another word you pick up and leave.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>Searching the dusty basement of Twilight's place isn't how you want to be spending your Saturday.
>It's disgusting down here, like she's never cleaned it.
>You can smell the dust and lonely down her.
>Rainbow Dash is down her "helping", which consists of leaning against boxes and making complaints.
>You never knew such a normally active mare could get so pissy at the simplest request.
>A old box of 8mm recordings marked "Not for colts or fillies" catches your eye.
>You move for it, making a warpath through all the other books and things.
>So many things!
>Twilight comes down the stairs with a tray of lemonade and cookies.
>"How's it going guys."
>"Meh," Dash says, picking at her hooves.
"It's going. Just found some of these old tapes," you throw a thumb back at the box.
>She drops the tray, her little pony eyes going wide.
>Rainbow looks over at her lazily.
>"Oh no, Dash, the sexs tape."
>Your head does a 180 faster than your body can catch up, you end up face to face with Rainbow Dash.
"Wat?"
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
>You lay on the bed waiting for Derpy to come out of the bathroom and head to bed.
>Behind you is a half empty can of pony-pledge.
>You've committed a most dastardly deed indeed.
>The entire wooden floor outside of the bathroom toward the bedroom has been thoroughly coated in pledge and is now slick as a motherfucker.
>It's hard to contain the huge grin trying to sprout on your face, but you don't want to leave her any warning.
>"Bow-chick-a wow-wow..." she whispers just loud enough for you to hear.
>You sit bolt upright,  that means she must have put on those striped socks.
>You the tip of her hoof poke out from the door, a oversized blue-and-white striped sock covering it.
>Some part of you wants to give her warning to the horrible slip and slide adventure she is about to embark on, but you just can't.
>This is gonna be so good.
>She sticks her whole leg out, then pokes her head out, humming that 70s porn music.
>A half-goofy, half-sensual smile lights up her face as she emerges onto the slipper floor.
>"Bow-chuck-a- wh-whoa!"
>She slips down the hall, hitting a wall.
>Clutching on to in she looks to you, seeing the can of pledge in your hands.
>Derpy gets a running slippery start and tries to fly toward you, but she screws up and lands on her back.
>She's sent rolling around toward the bathroom from the lack of friction.
>Her head hits this and that, momentarily setting her eyes straight.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------