Title:           MPS III Horse Eater
Author:          Jathma
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/SYYRtM63
First Edit:      Friday 29th of July 2016 03:09:09 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Sunday 31st of July 2016 10:05:13 PM CDT

ponies find anon cute and want to rub his belly and snuggle him, anon is not ok with this, the choice is yours
 
>5:59 AM
>6:00 AM
>BZ-*click*
>your alarm barely starts the song of it's people and you instantly smack it
>you quickly throw back the sheets and dive under the bed
>there is a soft thump as a weighted net lands just where you were
>you grab your best line of defense
>your Super Soaker CPS 2k
>you roll from under your bed to between your pirate chest and closet
>reaching inside, you grab a confetti grenade
>popping the pin, you quickly open and slam the door closed, tossing the nade inside
>you hear a loud bang and a louder scream
>you get up and throw open the door, watergun at the ready
>you see a flash of teal
>"LET ME TOUCH YOU"
>SPLOOSH
>Flitter hisses and flies out of your bedroom now thoroughly soaked
>putting on your signature suit, you prepare for the day
>reaching back into your pirate chest, you grab another grenade, your last one, a shouldermounted flashlight, a spray bottle, gas mask, and a tool belt enchanted with a holding spell to carry all this shit
>then the prize of your collection; your very own handmade serving platter body armour with a colander helmet
>you're ready
 
>holstering your CPS, you pull out the spray bottle sidearm
>setting it to jet, you brace against your bedroom door, listening for any noice
>clear
>you slowly turn the latch, just barely unseating it from the frame
>then kick it the rest of the way open
>you scattered three ponies waiting, but the Mayor is charging down the hallway
>"LET ME LOVE YOU"
>three squirts to the face is all it took, and she too has been driven off
>you stealthily walk down the hallway, spray gun at the ready
>Guest bedroom, clear
>Bathroom, clear
>Kitchen
>the lights are on, and there is a plate of steaming scrambled eggs and what smells like real bacon on the counter
>fucking ponies
>you grab a fork and lightly toss it at the plate
>you score a direct hit on the bacon and the entire plate explodes into a purple gas
>you put on your mask and grab a sealed protein bar from the cabinet
>a pony falls from the ceiling, snoring on the ground behind you
>you pick him up and unceremoniously toss him into your living room
>pocketing your breakfast, you ready your CPS and go to the front door
>you have five different locks on this motherfucker and every single one of them was picked
>you never should have told those ponies about Skyrim
>you turn back to your sleeping guest and say
"Ollabac Otidlam Onamuh Resnune Esritr Esrecerap"
>the poor soul shimmers and glows a dull silver, his body seemingly twisting to look like you
>yeah, magic bitch
>with the victim in place, you stand on the hinge side of your door
>one hand on the doorknob, the other holding your CPS
>pulling open the door, there is a flood of ponies rushing in
>they see your doppelganger
>and rush him, snuggling under his arm and giving him belly rubs
>'poor bastard' you think to yourself as you walk out into the world
 
>you need to stock up, otherwise you'd have stayed home
>first of your to-do list is to visit Pink horse for more confetti grenades
>she also told you that she was getting something new in stock last week
>you walk carefully to Sugarcube Corner, occasionally spooking the odd stalker pony
>you arrive relatively unharmed, save two foals hugging your legs
>a jaded cynical fuck you may be, but not even you had the heart to spray foals
>you rub their heads and shoo them off
>It's only 6:15, so the store isn't even open
>you walk around the back
>you look at a conspicuous wood barrel with the words "NO ENTRY UNDER HERE" printed on it in red ink
>you will never understand these horses
>pushing aside the barrel, you expose a trap door
>knocking out "Let me in" in morse code, the trapdoor swings inward
>you step down into the darkness, turning on your flashlight and pulling out your Spray bottle
>Ponk promised you it was safe down here, but it never hurt to be careful
>you wank to a think steel door at the end of this short hallway
>giving it one good smack with your fist
>a small slot slides open and a cute pink snout pokes out
> a gruff sounding, but still feminine voice calls out
>"What's the password"
>you take a deep breath
"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me you little bit-"
>the door shoots open
>"HIYA, NONNY! I was wondering when you'd get here"
>the pony is hanging from the ceiling by a thick rope tied around her middle
>you greet her with your customary hug
"Hi Pinkie, how was your week?"
>you don't like conversing, but this is the fastest way to get supplies
>and it nets you a sweet discount too
>"Ohmygosh, ItwasgreathTwilightandItriedgoingintotheever-"
>she starts her rambling, and you look around eyeing the stock
>confetti bombs, cake-mores, party cannons, cupcake rifles, SMGs (Sprinkle machine guns), smoke bombs in various colors and an assortment of various contraband weaponized party materials
>it's a wonderful place
 
>most of this stuff isn't enough to keep ponies off you, but the confetti bombs and cake-mores are good for stunning and spooking the colorful little shits
>Pinkie grabs your shoulders, hugging you from behind
>"So how about you, Nonny?"
"Oh same old, same old avoiding fluffy death from the cuddles.  I spared two foals today, it felt good."
>you pick up an SMG that reminds you of Jacket's Piece [spoiler]google it ya lazy bums[/spoiler]
"Specs on this?"
>"Ohh, that's a good one, shoots 1000 Sprinkles per minute 300  sprinkle capacity, or, if you want the Jelly bean version it shoot about 300 beans per minute, and has a 80 bean capacity
>"and if you get that now, I'll give you an extra 5 magazines and a weeks worth of sprinkles or beans for a quarter of the price!"
"Good stuff"
>you put it down, and move on
>there's a strange blacked out glass display case
"What's in that?"
>"Ohh, you'll like this"
>Pinkie releases your shoulders and floats over the the case
>she taps on the top, causing the glass to clear
>It's... beautiful
a 5 shot revolving action hoofgun with a 7 inch inch 00-cupcake barrel
>"Say hello to the Hoofheld Party Cannon!"
"I'll take it"
>"It, what?!"
>Pinkie stares at you in shock
>"But I haven't told you the price or anyt-"
>you cut her off with a boop
"cuddles are no object"
>one of the few advantages of having the most touchable body in Equestria is that those that you DO want to work with take cuddles as currency
>for reference, your suit only cost an hour and a half of couch cuddles with Rarity
 
"I'll take the SMG-Bean and the extra supplies, your new hoofcannon, 5 confetti grenades, two cake-mores and three green smoke bombs"
>"Yepper, Nonny!"
>Pinkie Pie dropped down from the ceiling and bounced to a register in the back of the room
>you followed her grabbing each of the items you requested and packing them into your toolbelt
>the holding enchantment was wearing out, so that was your next stop
>"Let's see..."
>she pulled a bookie's cap out of fucking nowhere and started tapping keys furiously
>"3500 bits for the SMG, 250 for the extras, 10000 for the Hoofheld Party Cannon, 100 for the confetti, 200 for the cake-mores and finally 45 for the smokes"
that comes to a total of 14095 bits, but since you're so nice I'm taking 1095 from the tab for a total of 13000 bits."
"and how much in cuddles?"
>Pinkie placed the receipt and looked you dead in the eye
>"ten hours of solid cuddles including kissing, or"
>her gaze lowered from your face to something *else*
>"two hours of 'fun'"
>you contemplate how to pay her, you don't have ten hours, and neither does she
>while you've always been weird, fugging your arms dealer is just out of your league
"How about you hold onto the gun and Hoofcannon, I take the bombs and come back later this evening, to pay the rest off"
>you wink at her, and pet her mane
>damn that's soft
>she considers it, her face scrunching up in concentration
>then you scratch behind her ear
>Pinkie melts into your comforting hand, letting out a soft moan of pleasure
>"That works, Nonny.  See you this evening"
 
>you pull your hand down the back of her head and over her jaw to hold her chin
>leaning in you giver a quick peck on the forehead
>you're not a fan of this lovey-dovey shit, but it buys you good boy points
>removing your hand, pinkie falls forward onto her counter, completely out of it
>you walk back out of the store, turning to tip your colander
"Ms. Pie,"
>and you exit, closing the heavy fun-proof door behind you
>the trapdoor is open
>and you've got *that* feeling
>the one that is your body's way of telling you you're fucked
>thinking quickly, you pop and throw a confetti grenade down the short hallway
>you're too slow on the draw though, as it flies back at you encased in a vivid golden hand
>shit, it's these two
"SHI-"
>there is a loud bang and a bright flash of light
>you're blinded, deafened, and covered in confetti
>you were afraid this was going to happen eventually
>you square yourself, ready to fight off your attackers
>the first horse hits you square in the chest staggering you
>you stumble losing your footing
>the second goes for your knees, taking you down
>you land hard, the breath knocked out of you by Bonbon, sitting on your chest struggling to undo the knots tying your armour together
>Lyra ties you down with her magic
>Lyra and Bonbon crawl all over you, a mess of prying hooves and roaming kisses
>smiling, you accept your fate
>but at long last, you finally get to do it
>that thing you've always wanted to to
>you point a finger gun to the ceiling
 
"Ban-"
>BOOM
>a sudden cannon blast covers Lyra and Bonbon in cake batter and shoots them back into the wall
>Damn it, you didn't get to do the thing
>Pinkie Pie comes shooting out with the hoofcannon held in her mane and dual smgs on both sides of her body
>she chased after Lyra and Bonbon yelling various pone profanities
>"AND STAY AWAY, HE'S MINE"
>your Internet friends always said 'never bone crazy'
>but at this point, you don't have a choice
>and she is kind of cute, but you'd never admit that to anyone, not even when blackout drunk
"Thanks Pinkie"
>you salute her
>she bounces back, a happy grin laying across her face