Title:           NightMareMoon vs. Anons Parents by Oilbird
Author:          Anonymous
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/5Lp0QCrg
First Edit:      Sunday 28th of February 2016 06:29:44 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Sunday 28th of February 2016 06:29:44 PM CDT

>”A horse?! Are you seriously telling me you’ve hooked up with a fucking horse?!”
>Squeezing your eyes shut, your hand finds its way to your face.
>She’s going to lose it if he keeps going on like this.
“Dad, just shut up-”
>”Don’t you talk to me like that, boy! You brought an animal-that you’ve MOLESTED-into MY house, I’ll say whatever I damn well please!”
>Shit.
>Cracking an eye open, you look over at Nightmare Moon to see how she’s handling it.
>Her lips are but a thin line on her muzzle and her eyes are narrowed just the slightest bit.
>Ho yea.
>She’s pissed.
>To her credit, it hasn’t gotten hard to breathe yet, so she’s controlling herself rather well.
>Your father continues his tirade, having no idea just what kind of danger he’s putting himself in by insulting the God-Empress of Equestria.
>“I always knew there was something wrong with you. Would it kill you to act like your brothers, for once in your life? At least they’re normal!”
>Aaaaand it’s begun.
>”We see your sire is as crude as you once were, Ogre.”
>You can almost feel the frost coming off Nightmare’s words.
>”...If you think you’re going to disrespect ME, horse, then you can get your moon speckled ass and my horse fucker son out of my house!”
>The temperature noticeably drops with every word.
>”You speak of disrespect?” Nightmare’s hoofsteps accentuate her words as she approaches your father, her wings spread.
>“Perhaps you need to be educated as to who you speak ill of, mortal.”
“Nightmare! You promised!”
>She looks back at you, her barely controlled fury raging behind her eyes, begging you to let her kill him.
>It’s a look you’ve grown used to.
>’No murdering your family.’
>That was the one rule you got her to agree to, when she demanded you bring her to see your family.
>In retrospect, you should have said humanity annihilated itself in nuclear war when she told you about the portal…
-
“Hang on, hang on, it gets even better!”
>Gesturing wildly with your egg sandwich-the closest you can consistently get to human food-you continue your story.
“So, she’s scrabbling against the wall, and I’m slowly approaching her, doing the big hulking monster thing, and she looks back, and says, ‘Wait! If I give you what you want, will you let me go?’ and then she lifts her tail!”
>Across the dinner table, Nightmare spears a portion of her salad with a levitating fork, a smile dancing on her lips.
>”The mud pony believed her disgusting nethers could tempt Our champion? We presume you paid the insult back in kind.”
>You hastily swallow the half-chewed bite you’ve taken.
“Even better! I made her think I was going for it! I said something like ‘good girl,’ grab her by her tail, and fumble with my belt a bit.”
>You pantomime the motions in the air in front of you.
“I give her a moment for the shame of what she’s doing to fully hit her, then I yank her down by that tail and slap the cuffs on her!”
>The Empress of Equestria giggles away, her worries of the ‘day’ forgotten.
>Right now, there’s no rebellion, no looming crop failure, no potential apocalypse if you can’t find Tirek before he gets the magic eating thing going...
>Just the strangest couple in Equestria, enjoying a nice meal together.
>...Yea.
>Helping her beat Twilight and company was the right choice.
>Her mirth vanishes at once, seemingly randomly.
>A normal Nightmare mood swing.
>”We wonder, Brute, if you would still retain your loyalty to us were it a human mare tempting you, rather than a pony.”
>...What?
>Alright, you can see why the ‘other mares tempting you’ story could make her get all insecure, but...is she really worrying about impossible scenarios?
“Nightmare, there’s only room in my heart for one mare, woman, female, of ANY species, it doesn’t matter. And the being there is you.”
>If you’ve learned anything about reading her subtle facial expressions, then the look she’s giving you says she remains unconvinced.
>With a sigh, you go on.
“Nightmare, even IF another human somehow appeared, if they didn’t immediately pledge fealty to you, I’d kill them myself.”
>Yea, right. You killing anyone.
>That’s a laugh.
>You can’t even bring yourself to keep mouse traps armed.
>Still...she’d probably make you do it, to see if you’re capable...
>Luckily, you’d never have to worry about seeing another human again, thus avoiding that horrible experience entirely.
>Giving you a small smile, her horn ignites, “So you say. Tell us, what do you make of this, Beast?”
>An old, photograph levitates over to you, her aura cutting out the moment your fingers touch it.
>Perks of being mostly immune to magic.
>Glancing over the black-and white photo, you see it looks like some generic shot of a city.
“Um...I don’t know. Looks kind of like Manehattan to me.”
>”That is what we thought as well before a consistent spelling mistake in Dearest Sister’s records forced us to re-examine the picture. Pray, look closer in the upper-left corner.”
>Squinting your eyes a bit, you peer at the specified corner, seeing some sort of statue.
>Wait a minute...is that…?
>No.
>It can’t be.
>You know Equestria has a statue that’s very similar-you must be imagining fingers, there.
“Nightmare...what was the spelling mistake?”
>”She spelled Manehattan without the ‘e’.”
>Your arm holding the photo goes limp, banging against the table.
“That’s the Statue of Liberty…”
>”We were correct in presuming this photo is of your world, then?”
>Dumbstruck, you look at Nightmare, your jaw slightly agape.
“Yea, it is...how did you get this?”
>Vaguely, you recall making fun of people on the internet two years ago, on Earth, when they said they ‘couldn’t even.’
>But damn if you can’t even, right now.
>”According to her archives, more than a century ago, my Dearest Sister discovered a stable portal that leads to your world.”
>”The records go on to say she spent a time pilfering your people's technology, until it became too dangerous to continue. That photograph was taken by one of her agents.”
>You blindly grope at the table until you find your wine glass, your eyes still locked on the photo.
>That...that’s home.
>Yea, ok, you spent...years wanting to SOMEHOW make it to Equestria.
>But...once you made it here, you found there were lots of things from Earth that you missed...like meat, for example.
>Finding your glass, you gulp down its rather copious contents, setting it down with a thud.
“Alright...did she say why she decided it was too dangerous?”
>A servant appears out of seemingly nowhere and refills your glass before you’ve even finished your question.
>“Neigh. She halted operations over seventy years ago. According to your peoples calendar, it was the year One thousand, Nine hundred and forty-five.”
>The laughter returns in Nightmare’s eyes, “Pray tell Brute, is it true your people have not even existed for a paltry two millennia?”
“No, no, we uh...counted backwards for a while. Don’t ask me why.”
>You take another swig of wine.
>So she quit during 1945...oh.
>Cellybeans was terrified of the A-bomb. Like...anyone sensible should be.
>Still...that means you should be able to score a few points with the Empress.
“I know why she stopped, by the way. It not dangerous, or I wouldn’t be here. We just made a weapon that used the same thing that powers her sun.”
>Nightmare lets out a short, barking laugh, devoid of any humor.
>”We knew she was naught but a coward the moment she wielded the Elements against her own sister.”
>With that, she returns to her salad, spearing the assorted greens with a vengeance.
>The two of you continue your meal in silence, the jovial mood spoiled.
>Once she finishes her meal, she signals a pair of servants to replace both of your plates with dessert and coffee.
>She only speaks again once you have a mouthful of cake.
>”We have decided. If this world is as safe as you say, then the two of us shall visit it tomorrow.”
>The cake somehow manages to lodge itself in your esophagus, sending you into a coughing fit.
>...That’s totally it.
>It has nothing to do with what she just said, nor the thought of her-the god-empress with a predilection for going Darth Vader on ponies-wandering around on EARTH.
>Not to mention that, as far as humanity’s concerned, she’s a fictional goddamn character!
>Gasping for air once you can breathe again, you blurt out,
“You’re joking, right?!”
>She raises an eyebrow, “We would think you would be enamored that We wish to grace your homelands with Our presence. Especially after the tales you’ve told Us of that world.”
>You’ve always made sure to tell her the truth about Earth, right?
>Right?
>Oh hell, you don’t remember!
>You KNOW you didn’t mention that there’s a cartoon show about what would’ve happened if she lost.
“I...that’s not the issue, Nightmare. You know I’d love nothing more than to show you where I came from. But...if we BOTH go?”
“Wouldn’t the rebellion attack the moment they found out? Not to mention the government would shut down without either of us being here.”
>She waves a hoof dismissively.
>”The empire is not so fragile as to collapse should we take a night or two off. The two of us have worked hard for this stability, it is time we enjoy it. Besides,”
>Her eyes flash, “It is not as though We would need to worry about lowering the moon.”
>Well...crap.
>You can’t really keep arguing about this without bringing up the fact that she’s not supposed to be real.
“Alright. Just as a fair warning, though, Earth has a lot of languages. Depending on where we show up, I might be just as lost as you.”
>She takes a sip of her coffee, “That is of little concern to us. We will simply move to a place that speaks your native tongue.”
>You turn to your cake, your mind racing.
>Let’s see...maybe you’ll be able to convince her to disguise herself when you get there.
>Especially if it’s not going to be any sort of official visit.
>If not...well, you’ll be in trouble.
>”Besides…” Nightmare speaks up, pulling you back to the present. “If we are to make you our king, it is only fitting that we meet the creatures that spawned you.”
>...
>Aaahhh!
“That’s a bad idea! That is a VERY bad idea, Nightmare!”
>She looks at you, her raised eyebrow complementing the dangerous edge coating her speech, “Which? We suggest you chose your next words carefully, Beast.”
>...Wait, hang on, what was that about making you her king?
“The...visiting my family? They’re uh...not the nicest people. In any way shape or form.”
>She snorts, any potential threat of violence vanishing,
>”You’re implying my sister is any better, Ogre.”
>Well...you suppose they didn’t exactly lock you in solitary confinement for a millennium, so she has a point there.
>Still...it’s not exactly like you were their favored child.
>She speaks again, her voice as warm and comforting as it can get for her.
>“Brute...we are no stranger to horrendous family. If they are as terrible as you seem to think, then we will abandon them to their short, sad lives. Perhaps even do to them, what you helped do to Dearest Sister.”
>She’s not going to say no to this.
>You can’t blow all your ‘political capital’ on this, if you expect to keep her from causing a panic.
“Alright. But I gotta ask. Why do you want to spend the night visiting THEM, specifically? We could be doing any number of more productive things, like getting weapon technology.”
>”In truth, Ogre, morbid curiosity. We wish to see what kind of creatures could have created such a monster as yourself.”
-
>You aren’t used to the wheels of bureaucracy turning this fast.
>Normally, it can days for a decision to work its way through the castle and out to the government at large.
>Well...when you aren’t threatening to drag ponies off to the dungeon for insubordination, anyway.
>But when the Empress herself gets involved, all the red tape “magically” disappears.
>Now, barring Discord’s return (again), the country could run autonomously for the next week.
>As you hang on to the side of Nightmare’s chariot for dear life, you can see the Lunar Guard is out in force, swarming the streets and skies of Canterlot.
>...Aaand now you regret looking down.
>Something touches your back, causing you to jump, your hands scrabbling against the side to keep whatever that is from dragging you away.
>That ‘something’ turns out to be less “trying to push you off to your death” and more “snuggly, warm, and keeping you safe.”
>Tearing your gaze from where your splattered corpse would be if you fell right now, you see it’s Nightmare’s wing, securing you against her side.
>”What’s wrong, Troll? Have you developed a fear of heights?”
>She’s kidding, right?
“Nightmare, there’s no back to this thing! If one of those guys,” you point at the pair of stallions pulling the chariot, “screw up, I’ll fall and you won’t exactly be able to catch me!”
>She frowns, looking rather hurt, “You truly believe We would leave your well-being to chance? We would not have chosen this method of travel if there was even a possibility of you being injured.”
>No pet name.
>Woops.
>She took that personally.
>Your stomach twists as that sinks in...that’s worse than angering her, in your book.
>At least when she’s angry, you can just say Nightmare’s earning her name.
>This is just makes you feel like a dick.
>Pushing aside the fear still gripping you, you tear one of your hands from the side of the chariot and stroke over her furred cheek.
“I’m just nervous that my world isn’t going to live up to your expectations, is all. I might have hyped it up a bit. Not to mention my family…”
>I’m sorry for taking it out on you, sweetheart.
>Her frown takes on a different flavor, ”Doubt us again, Brute, and We’ll throw you from this chariot Ourself.”
>I forgive you, now give me a hug.
>Complying with her unspoken request, you pry your other hand free and entwine it around Nightmare’s foreleg.
>...So you can still hold on to something.
>After all, showing any sort of affection in front of other ponies would be horrendously improper.
>She lets you hold onto her leg until the chariot lands beside an inconspicuous cave-no markings, nothing covering the entrance…
>No hint that this place contains a gateway to another world.
>Makes sense, according to Celestia’s odd brand of logic.
>There’s no reason to guard something if no one knows there's something that needs to be guarded.
>The fact that you two are here is proof of just how well that policy worked.
>”Come, Brute,” Nightmare stands, pulling away from your grasp as she leaves the chariot.
>Following, you just barely catch her giving the pair of thestrals that carried you here a nod.
>You’d see if she gave them any more praise, but you’re too busy pulling out your wallet for a last minute check.
>Following Nightmare’s large, purple rump as she enters the cave, you flip through the various cards.
>You’re so glad you kept them for sentimental value.
>...Huh.
>Most of these are still valid.
>Well, that’s one major obstacle out of the way.
>Once the light of the perpetual full moon has been replaced by the softer light of Nightmare’s horn, you hear the rustle of wings behind you, the only sign that your escorts are leaving.
>Which means the two of you are alone, now.
>Putting away your wallet, you look over the armored form of your marefriend.
>Yep...she’s wearing THAT outfit again.
>Probably not a good sign.
“Soo...Nightmare? We need to discuss some rules.”
>She stops and looks back at you, an eyebrow raised, “YOU have rules for US to follow? Do you forget your place, Ogre?”
>Your place?
>She does remember this is YOUR world, right?
“That’s...not what I meant. This is a world without magic, so...everything’s kind of backwards. I just want to keep the magic immune apes from panicking when they see something they can’t explain.”
>She continues on in silence, the only sounds being the clip clop of her hooves echoing off the stone walls.
>It’s only once you’ve given up hope of a response, do you continue on.
“For example, the sun still exists there...and physics works differently. If you get rid of it, everyone’s gonna die. Including me.”
>That gets her attention.
>She stops cold and turns to glare at you, her wings spread wide.
>“What are you implying, Beast? That my sister’s heresy has blinded yet another world? That We should allow that travesty to persist?! That We should bathe in its disgusting, blinding light?!”
>Ho boy.
>That crazed look in her eyes...she looks like she’s about to lose it.
>This is a bad idea...you should have brought this up BEFORE you were on the way out here.
>Your back bumps against the cave wall-you were backing up without realizing it.
“Nightmare, this sun was around long before Celestia was. In fact, Earth orbits IT, not the other way around. I told you, everything’s backwards.”
>Is it colder in here, or is it just you?
>Her sides heave as she processes that information, the wheels in her head turning.
>Slowly, her wings settle back in against her side, even though that look of instability, like she could go off at any second, doesn’t fade in the slightest.
>Through clenched teeth, she speaks, her tone screaming that she’s barely in control right now, ”What else do we need to be made aware of?”
“Well, ponies don’t exist there, so you may want to disguise-”
>”Neigh.”
>She whirls around and continues her journey down the cave, moving just under a trot.
>The image of humans rioting at the sight of a real, live alicorn runs through your mind.
>Worse yet, a few of them drooling and trying to grope at their waifu.
>Shaking your head to clear those thoughts, you break out in a jog to catch up with her.
“No? What do you mean no? Nightmare, please, just listen to me for a second.”
>Without looking back, she spits out, “If We are going to endure being seared alive by the SUN, then We shall do it on Our terms. You recognized Our splendor when you first laid eyes on us. They shall do the same.”
>Her tone screams that this is not up for negotiation.
>Smartly, you shut up and instead focus on the fact that your breath is fogging in front of you, despite it being the middle of July.
>Maybe, “You have to put up with the thing you hate most in the world,” wasn’t the best line to open with.
>She pauses in front of a seemingly random section of cave wall.
>“We will discuss any further REQUESTS of yours as they become relevant, Beast. Once your “nervousness” abates. Now come.”
>Her horn flashes, and the rock wall ripples like water.
>”Your world awaits.”
>Taking a deep breath, you close your eyes.
>Don’t think about how badly this could go…
>Think about what doesn’t exist here, that you’ll get to see again.
>Like TV! And the internet!
>She’d probably squeal like a schoolgirl if you showed her pictures from the Hubble Telescope.
>The thought of her grinning away in wonder gives you the strength you need to place your hand on her withers and step through the portal together.
>You’re met with a blinding light.
>Dazzled, you squeeze your eyes shut, covering them with a hand.
“Aaahh! What IS that?”
>”That, my Brute, is the sun.” Nightmare speaks up next to you, sounding like she’s trying not to burst out laughing, “Now you know how We felt, every time Dear Sister raised it.”
>Well, the good news is, by the time your eyes have finished screaming at you for spending the past two years in the dark, Nightmare had already located the nearest town...you think.
>She described it as “a poor imitation of Fillydelphia.”
>The bad news is, it took a few hours for the two of you to get to anything that wasn’t Suburbia: The Suburbs.
>It would have gone a lot faster, if you could have ridden her.
>But...you’re fairly certain even ASKING if you could do that that would get you drawn and quartered when you get back.
>Another thing that would have helped shorten your journey would be...oh hell, here comes another one.
>Bristling as you see a couple with a look of wonderment in their eyes, you take a few brisk steps to try and intercept them before they can say something stupid.
>Nightmare, in turn, matches your pace to stay by your side.
>You can’t tell if she’s enjoying the attention, or if the way everyone’s treating her is pissing her off.
>”Wow, that looks amazing!” The woman calls out as the two walk right up to you.
>”His wings look so real!”
>”How did you do that star-cloud thing?”
>”What’s his name?”
>Nightmare purses her lips but makes a point of not dignifying these two with a response, leaving you to fend off their barrage of questions with stumbling, stuttered responses.
>None of your fantasies about meeting other humans played out anything like this.
>Those tended to be more “fun filled adventures.”
>As you’re fending off the onslaught of questions, out of the corner of your eye, you see certain doom.
>The man is reaching his hand out to touch Nightmare.
>Now, if you really were the "Champion of the Empress,” as per your official title in Equestria, you’d tackle this guy for even thinking of touching a living god.
>But rather than leap into action, you freeze up.
>Memories dance in your head of Nightmare shoving pony’s faces to the floor, while sneering at them for having the “audacity” of thinking they were worthy of touching living divinity.
>Whelp.
>You haven’t even figured out where you are, and there’s already going to be a riot.
>The man’s hand gets within an inch of Nightmare’s hide, when she snaps her head towards him and snarls out, “Touch Us, HUMAN, and you will lose that hand.”
>Both he and his feminine counterpart freeze up, “Woah…”
>...Damage control, now!
>Finally taking charge, You force your way in between them and Nightmare.
“Hey, you guys would happen to know if we’re close to the rent-a-car place, would you? The last guy’s directions were a little vague.”
>That injection of normally breaks the spell on the other two.
>”Uh...yea, it’s two blocks down, and take a left, you can’t miss it,” the woman points absentmindedly behind her.
“Thanks a lot. Nightmare?”
>The Empress “allows” you to press on, leaving the two in shock behind you...just as you have with most of the other encounters you’ve had with your kind.
>Unlike the dozen or so times, however, Nightmare finally voices her thoughts, “Ogre, your kind appears to be a rather disrespectful lot.”
“Well...in their defence, they don’t realize who you are. The closest things they know of, that even come close to alicorns, are all myths and legends here.”
>She waves a wing dismissively. “‘Tis no different than the night of Our return. Yet Our subjects understood how they should act, save for a few zealots.”
>You smartly decide not to respond.
>There’s no good answer to that.
>”Yet…” you look over to see her studying you, “You were there on that night, and you did not share your fellow human’s propensity for insolence. Why is that, We wonder?”
>Because you watched a show for little girls and saw that she’d end up miserable if she lost.
>Of course you can’t say that.
“I guess I just have better judgement than most?”
>The look she gives you screams that she isn’t buying it.
>Luckily, before you’re prompted to elaborate, the car rental place appears.
“There we go, that’s what we were looking for!”
>Pointing, you draw Nightmare’s attention away from you, “You’re certain you’ll find a self-propelled chariot worthy of Our grandeur, Brute?”
>Hell no.
>But, seeing as how the only time Nightmare’s seen a car before was when she dreamwalked in on you, you doubt she’ll know what a luxurious car is.
>As you cross through the car lot, you realize you probably won’t, either.
>After all, you’ve been gone for two years.
>They probably have self driving cars, now.
“Nightmare?” You try to stop her as the two of you approach the door, “It’s going to be kind of cramped in there. Do you want to wait out here? It’ll only take…”
>Her response, of course, is to throw open the door with her magic and swagger inside.
>You scramble in behind her, before you can hear the dreaded words ‘No animals allowed.’
>You’re not sure how your marefriend would react to being flat-out called an animal…
>...Well, if you’re being honest with yourself, she’d probably throw a tantrum and then find somewhere private to cry.
>Just like when she found out about Nightmare Night.
“Hi, we’d like to rent a car, please?”
>That’s when you see it.
>The object of your demise.
>Sitting on one of the computers behind the clerk, is a small Rainbow Dash figurine.
>You can see it now.
>Her magic star-mane thing wrapped around your neck, strangling you as she screams about how you’ve manipulated her for years.
>Back in the present, you can also see the wheels in the clerk's head turning.
>Finally he blurts out, “Is...is that what I think it is?”
>Your mouth leaps into action before your mind come up with an appropriate response.
“This? This is Empress Nightmare Moon of Equestria.”
>Yea, that won’t seem suspicious to her in any way.
>Nightmare stiffens against you, raising her head a bit.
>Is she...hiding a smile?
>”We were wondering when you would introduce Us properly, Champion.”
>...Huh.
>Usually your mouth ends up getting you IN trouble, not the other way around.
>”I...wow…” you can TASTE the awe in his voice, “Is there a con around here? Do you mind if...can I get a closer look?”
>...Oh hell, he thinks she’s a cosplayer.
>Right.
>That makes a bit more sense than people instantly jumping to “the world in this TV show is real, but everything past the pilot was thrown out by someone who wasn’t supposed to be there.”
>Her smile is getting harder for her to hide, “You may approach Us, human.”
>You swear you can hear him let off a little squeal as he rushes to get around the counter.
>...No, you know what?
>This was something you KNEW was going to happen when you two went through the portal, there’s only so much you can do to delay it.
>If the universe is going to actively conspire against you like this, then you’re wiping your hands of this one.
>”It is about time one of your kind showed Us the proper respect, don’t you think, Ogre?” Nightmare looks back at you with a smirk as she raises a foreleg, presenting her hoofguard to be kissed.
>Folding your arms, you lean back against the wall, electing to just watch events unfold.
>This is going to be good.
>Reaching Nightmare, the clerk bends down and, rather than give her the kiss she’s expecting, grabs her hoof and pulls it out against him.
>Your marefriend jerks in surprise, her wings flaring out for a moment, before you see her muscles coil beneath her inky hide.
>The clerk, oblivious to the fact that he’s probably about to get kicked in the face, looks over her foreleg, twisting her hoof back and forth in his hands.
>”This is amazing, I’ve never seen anything like it…” He looks up at her, “Did you make this yourself? What’s the armor made out of?”
>Nightmare pauses her impending attack.
>You can see her ego battle with her equally overinflated sense of dignity behind her reptilian eyes.
>Finally, she opens her mouth, ”Yes, little human, We did make it Ourself.”
>Hah!
>Her ego almost always wins those battles.
>”We forged this armor out of cold iron, from one of Our stars that We felled.”
>You have to cover your mouth with your hand to keep from laughing.
>It doesn’t take much to get the big show-off going, but when she does…
>It makes her the cutest pony you know.
>She pulls her hoof from the clerk’s grasp, looking over her hoofguard, “The enchantments took months to perfect, using magic the world has never seen since.”
>The look of child-like wonder never once leaves the clerk’s face, “Wow...you even got the lips to move…”
>That brings Nightmare down a tad from her high, “...Pardon?”
>The clerk stands, peering into her large eyes, “How do you see out of that?”
>”Is it not obvious…?” Nightmare looks back at you, a mixture of confusion and concern in her eyes.
>...Oohh, she thinks he’s referring to her helmet with that!
>Alright, time for you to intervene.
>”Not really,” Stepping forward, you clear your throat to stop this before any more spaghetti can be spilled.
“Hate to interrupt but the empress is probably getting tired. About that car?”
>”Oh! Right!” The clerk-whose name tag you STILL haven’t bothered to read-suddenly remembers he has a job, “Um...one last question? I-can I take a picture with you? My friends would love to see you.”
>Well, those were the magic words.
>Almost instantly, Nightmare’s back to barely hiding that grin.
>She puffs her chest out, “Of course, human.”
>Uh oh, looks like you have a job to do.
“You want me to take it?”
>You cover about half the distance between you three three, hand outstretched, when the clerk leans right up against Nightmare, “Naw, I got this, thanks though!”
>What is he doing…?
>”Smile!”
>Nightmare bares her teeth with a grin that only helps her live up to her name, when the clerk takes out his phone and...takes...a selfie with the God-Empress of Equestria.
>...
>You’ve been gone too long, this world no longer makes any sense!
>After three angry calls to your credit card company, two more...selfies…half a dozen vehicles rejected by Nightmare, and much continued fawning over your “girlfriend’s costume,” you finally climb into the SUV that met Nightmare’s approval.
>..You’re probably lucky they didn’t have a big rig for you to rent, or Nightmare would have demanded you rent THAT instead.
>”For being a technological marvel, this “vehicle” is barely the size of our chariot,” Nightmare adds a dismissive wave of her hoof as she lounges on the seats behind you.
“Yea, well...at least I don’t need to worry about falling out the back.”
>Pulling out onto the street, you play with the very expensive GPS add-on as you talk.
>...You’re fairly certain that card’s already maxed out.
“Plus, unlike your chariot, it’s actually enclosed. No more worrying about bugs.”
>”That is a detriment, Ogre. It robs Us of the feeling of the wind in Our fur.”
>Alright, that earns her a dirty look.
“Seriously? You rejected two different convertibles, those would have let you ‘feel the wind.’”
>She meets your gaze, narrowing her eyes, “Those THINGS were barely fit to house a single pony, let alone play host to Our grandeur.”
>...You should probably drop this one, renting a Corvette would have been out of your price range, anyway.
”You know there’s more to these things than just their size, right?”
>”Are you suggesting Our judgement is faulty?!”
>Yep.
>This would be a fantastic time to drop it.
“No, what I’m suggesting is that you’re in another world, you should be a bit more adventurous in what you try.”
>See, this is what you were thinking of earlier, with the whole ‘your mouth normally gets you in trouble’ thing.
>A rather predatory grin twists itself onto Nightmare’s muzzle, “Perhaps you would be wise to be careful what you wish for, Beast. Lest you continue to embarrass yourself in front of your kin.”
>The GPS beeps, pulling your eyes from the road once more.
>...Huh.
>Well, aside from the thing demanding you make a U-turn, you’re just under a day’s drive from home, if you don’t stop for anything.
>Speaking of things that aren’t stopping, your mouth is still going at it.
“Embarrass? What are you talking about?”
>”Do not think we haven’t noticed how quick you are to intervene in every interaction We’ve had with your kind. Do you….truly believe We are so lacking in self control as to lash out at the first sign of disrespect?”
>Oooh boy, there’s that tone again.
>The ‘you’ve hurt her feelings to the point where she’s dropping the big bad monster facade and is about ready to go cry’ tone.
“No, Nightmare, that’s not what it is…”
>The sad thing is, that’s exactly what it is.
>Way to go asshole.
>...You should probably be concentrating on the road.
>”Then what is the matter? Are you worried We will think less of you, if We know your kind is rather dim-witted as a whole?”
“...Huh?”
>Rather than hear to the dulcet tones of Nightmare’s voice in response, you’re instead met with a loud screech, like metal being tortured.
“What the hell?!”
>You instinctively slam on the brakes, twisting around to see...Nightmare just tore the passenger seat out with her magic.
>...Whelp.
>It’s a good thing you didn’t want to use that card ever again.
>Horns blare as cars swerve around the two of you.
>...There, there’s a parking lot riiight up there.
>As you limp the car out of traffic and into a more appropriate place to stop, you yell out,
“Nightmare, what are you doing?!”
>The answer is soon made apparent as the disembodied cushions from the other chairs lay down over the twisted remains of the passenger seat, all surrounded by the dark aura of Nightmare’s magic.
>Once they’ve been arranged to her satisfaction, she clip clops up and lays on them, her eyes level with yours.
>...Oh.
>Big horse was too big to fit in the seat.
>Big horse also wanted to cuddle in her own special way.
>Her wing soon finds its way to your side, her obsidian feathers stroking over your arm, “We have noticed that your people tend to...lag behind our ponies, intellectually. Especially that little sales-human…”
>”No doubt the cause is overreliance of those thinking machines you have told Us about. Is this one of those?” She taps a hoof guard against the screen of the GPS.
>Well, great, how do you answer that one?
>She might demand you turn it off, and there’s no way you’ll make it to your parents house if you do that.
>...You’ve already hurt her trying to hide things once.
“Yeeea, it is. It does the job that a navigator would do on a ship.”
>She focuses on it, her gaze rather pensive.
>After a moment, she speaks, still not looking away from it, “Champion...given your people’s “condition,” We would...understand if Our pet names for you have been...overly offensive…”
>D’aaw, she’s actually worried about upsetting YOU for once.
>It’s your turn to give her a reassuring touch, as you reach your arm out and pet over her withers.
>Her powerful muscles twitch in surprise at your touch, and she turns her head to face you, her large eyes filled with compassion.
“Nightmare, I love every one of your pet names for me, just as much as I love you.”
>Her mouth’s open just a tad...and mere inches away from yours...
>You could probably sneak in a kiss…
“I’d hate it if you were to ever stop using them.”
>She jerks her head back, pulling away from the impending kiss with a sneer, “If you believe We were ASKING YOU if We should cease those names, then you are as stupid as the rest of your kind, Beast!”
>With that, she uses her mane to fling you hand from her hide, officially ending any tender moment you two were about to have.
>You grin and turn back to look out the windshield.
“Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”
>She waves her hoof, “The sun of this world is blinding you from seeing your proper place, Brute. Operate this machine and bring Us to your family at once, before We are forced to re-educate you, as We have Our subjects.”
“I can do that Nightmare. It’s going to take a while though, we’re kind of far away.”
>With that, you throw the car back into drive and head out onto the road once more.
>Even better, this time you’re even headed in the RIGHT direction!
>”Do not think We are enjoying bathing in this wretched sunlight, Ogre. We will accomplish Our goal and return at once, lest the Empire fall in our absence.”
>Well, that makes two of you.
>However, despite her vile tone, you see a flash of white out of the corner of your eye.
>With a large, predatory grin, Nightmare adds, “Unless, Troll, We decide to ‘be a bit more adventurous,’ as per your advice.”