"Mother/Daughter Bourguignon (story by "reader")" By robblu (https://pastebin.com/u/robblu) URL: https://pastebin.com/SLg0yxvj Created on: Saturday 9th of July 2016 11:57:14 PM CDT Retrieved on: Saturday 31 of October 2020 03:32:26 AM UTC Mother/Daughter Bourguignon (story by "reader") « on: July 07, 2016, 07:39:04 AM » ReplyQuote Found story (written by "reader"): Coming soon to your cable TV in the not too distant, cannibalism legal future. Right after her own introduction, Chef Jeannie said “Let’s have a big welcome for today’s volunteer mother and daughter team entrée, Phyllis and Lisa W. from Bakersfield California.” The audience whooped. Relatives cooked in combination was a delicacy wished for far more often then achieved. Phyllis came onstage first. A very thin five foot five brown haired white woman, she looked a young 40, and flashed a winning smile. Lisa followed close behind. She was five foot six and more filled out then her mother. She looked a vibrant 22, and wore a matching outfit. They each wore a bright yellow sundress and flip flops, showing unity on their last public appearance. As they passed Chef Jeannie, they each gave her a hug with a brief kiss, then sat down on the couch. Chef Jeannie said “I understand you’re no strangers to human cooking, being members of the Bakersfield Cannibal Club.” They nodded. Phyllis said “I got active after mourning my husband a few years ago. I wanted to meet new people. I forbade my daughters join until they were of age, also I stayed a less then full member until then, because my family obligation.” Lisa said “I’m the only daughter that joined. Andrea and Jessie have their own friends and things they like.” Phyllis said “It used to be a great club. Everyone enjoyed it. But lately there’s been a sour taste in my mouth because of the clique that took power. Chef Jeannie asked, encouragingly “You feel dissatisfied?” They both nodded. Phyllis said “Since that group won the election, practically no one’s been eaten except members of the clique. A lot of us feel like outsiders in our own club. Lisa and I got really fed up with it the second time we were passed over for mother/daughter night.” Lisa said “No disrespect to the dead, especially fellow club members, but 2 times ago they were aunt and niece. Board members privately assured us we’d go the next time. And the last time was a mother daughter pair who wasn’t as top grade as us. Again, no disrespect, but we were a better pick.” Phyllis said “They did a survey once, and barbeque was the favorite. But that was before. There hasn’t been a man or woman eaten there for eight months who wasn’t barbequed first. We used to live in North Dakota. I like that you can barbeque year round in California. But that doesn’t mean you have to barbeque everybody.” Lisa said “I’ve had some culinary school, and worked as a sous-chef at a nice restaurant. The lack of variety in the club’s menu and the way side dishes are done so poorly appalls me. And the entrees are getting worse. Lately they’ve have had so much barbeque sauce on them, before they even reached the plates, that the taste was obscured. If you don’t wanna taste roast human, don’t join a cannibal club.” “I see” said Chef Jeannie. “And your solution?” Phyllis said “We’re coming on this show, more in sorrow then in anger, to point these things out. The problem is self-correcting; as we’re eating through the clique faster then they’re recruiting new members. Next election, they’ll be an out group. Lisa said “But what we really wanna do is make our point, so even members of the clique will realize the clubs going in the wrong direction, and work to fix it.” Chef Jeannie said “And that’s why you wanted a meat grader here, and a fancy non-barbeque recipe. To make your point.” They nodded. Chef Jeannie said “If you ladies will follow me.” The stage rotated so the studio audience could see them leave the “talk show” set and enter the “cooking area” set. They were met by a woman in a lab coat, carrying equipment. Jeannie explained “Lauren here is a certified USDA meat grader. We can have you both graded right now.” Phyllis and Lisa stripped down. The audience made noises of admiration. Jeannie said “It looks like Phyllis here wasn’t kidding when she told me before the show that she stayed in shape through aerobics and Pilates. Excellent for a woman in her age group, especially a mother of three. Lisa is prime herself, but a disproportionate use of perfect babes in the porn industry has conditioned us to expect that in her age group. To their side, a large screen showed a slide of two naked women, one older then the other, with people in cook’s whites in the background. The two women’s faces were blotted out. They looked ok, especially the younger, but not great. Lisa said “Those were the last two we got passed over for on mother/daughter night.” “Do you think we’re a better choice.” asked Phyllis? The crowd agreed. Lisa began to lead chants of “Better! Better!” Till Phyllis held up her hands for silence and said “Thank you folks.” Lauren used calipers to do fat measurements at parts of their bodies. She then checked their driver’s licenses and punched their birthdates into a handheld computer. She showed the printed out labels to a close up camera. Lisa was prime, to no one’s surprise. Phyllis was choice. While Lauren took a small bow and left the stage, Chef Jeannie said “There are many fancy ways to cook two women without barbequing. We will be making mother/daughter bourguignon.” Workmen began to wheel two bathtubs onto the stage. Chef Jeannie said “Sometimes buying large cooking equipment strains the budget of the home cannibal, and special marinating equipment is not available. You can marinate in a simple bathtub, if necessary.” Each entrée began to open wine bottles and pour them into her bathtub. Chef Jeannie and an assistant helped, while commenting “For this recipe, a dry red wine is used.” Soon each woman was in her tub, covered completely from the neck down.” Filming long cooking processes was a marathon that lost most of the studio audience. Two and a half hours of marinating. Candles were lit, lights were dimmed and soft music was played so they could pretend they were just taking a relaxing bath When the lights were turned on full, a quick shower came next. A visit to the last chance bathroom, and edited footage showing that the meat had been cleaned inside and out before the taping started. Jeannie, Lisa and Phyllis began to mince a large pile of garlic. Next they peeled and sautéed dozens and dozens of onions, in butter, on a giant electric skillet. When that was finished, Chef Jeannie injected them with pain shots, and then said “Next we brown the meat. Lisa here is 13 pounds heavier then her mother. Since we’re using one dish, Lisa will need extra browning time.” As she spoke, she added more butter. Lisa and her mother hugged deeply. They whispered. Then Lisa lay on the edge of the pan and rolled in, soon lying on her front. The smell of meat cooking filled the room. A couple minutes later, a giant robot arm began to descend from the ceiling. Lisa waved it off, and then rolled onto her back. The arm went up. When it went down again, she rolled over. Jeannie nodded to Phyllis. Phyllis lay on the side of the pan and said, “Hold on baby, mama’s coming.” They were both browned together on their back for twenty minutes, and then the arm began to descend again. They waved it off and both rolled over and were browned on their front. Jeannie added more butter was needed. Then Jeannie turned off the skillet heat. A side of the skillet sank. The remaining butter drained into a large trough. The arm descended again. Chef Jeannie said “Can you ladies move on your own power.” They rolled off the skillet. “Strange that we don’t mind being cooked but find that arm scary.” said Lisa. “Looks totally spooky” said Phyllis. “Like a killer robot.” A gigantic casserole dish was wheeled over to them. ”And how was it in the skillet? Neither of you talked.” Lisa said “We were savoring the experience.” Phyllis added “After those North Dakota winters, heat feels downright pleasant.” They started to walk, but seemed to have difficulty. Chef Jeannie rushed to help, but they waved her off and laughed at “What can be done when you feel no pain.” One maternal kiss later, they lay in the casserole dish. Chef Jeannie sprinkled them with flour and began adding salt, thyme, peppercorns, bay leaves and the mined garlic. She wheeled them to the oven. Their last words to the camera were spoken, in rehearsed unison “Hey club-don’t you wish you’d have had this dish.” They were cooked for 4 hours in a 300 degree oven. The dish was then brought out and the bodies had a mixture of the marinate and water lightly poured over them. To mix the flavors, each was seasoned with the other’s marinate. They were cooked for another hour, with the onions added ten minutes before the end. The studio audience area was re-filled, as many wanted to eat. They were each given a plate that had a cut from each woman, and some onion. The meat was well flavored, hot and came out quite scrumptious. Everyone who had a plate was quite satisfied. Epilogue-In Bakersfield, members of the clique pondered many things, including whether or not to send an edible spokesperson to counter the rogue member’s claims.