"/mlp/AiE" By dashisbestpone (https://pastebin.com/u/dashisbestpone) URL: https://pastebin.com/5nZFs0nm Created on: Monday 3rd of December 2012 05:20:02 AM CDT Retrieved on: Sunday 25 of October 2020 11:44:56 AM UTC >The sun streams in through a window and you toss a pillow over your face. >You sigh contentedly. >And then your cell phone alarm goes off. Even after all this time, you still haven't chucked your worthless brick of a phone or bought a real alarm clock or flashlight. >You grumble and reach over to shut it off, fumbling for the right buttons and knocking it to the floor. The sound stops. >Shit. >You roll out of bed and drop to the floor to inspect the damage. >The thing still looks functional. Displaying the time like a boss, responding to buttons, >...having two bars of signal? >The fuck? >Thinking it must be a mistake, you try to make a call. >It doesn't go through. >You try to send a text, and it doesn't go through. >You crack open the ancient and decrepit web browser, and google loads. >You immediately dive for your email to let people know you're alive, sweating profusely at the implications of cross-world communication and how famous you'll be. >It fails to load. >You check wikipedia. >It's good! >You scramble for a high-visibility page and edit in your plea for help, but are swiftly deleted as vandalism. >You try for Facebook, but it fails. >You pause for a moment. >4chan.org >... >... >Success. >Fucking. >Jackpot. >Temporarily forgoing the sane options, you snap a picture of the view from your window and hop over to /mlp/. >You post the image, along with "U jelly?" and smirk to yourself. >Congratulations. You are the cleverest and the best. >You decide to make actual contact later, after you've planned out how to get rich off of this. >For now, you'll just futz around here and there while you get your ducks in a row. >You slip the phone into your pocket and head to Sugarcube Corner for some celebratory breakfast pastries. >When you sit down at your table, you pull the phone out to snap a picture of your retardedly delicious food. >Your thread is full of responses about having seen a few pixels. >You shrug and post anew, this time jamming an upturned thumb into the shot. >You proceed to devour the goods with great haste, then get up to go see what Dash is up to. >She doesn't seem to be around. >Lame. >You snap some more pictures around town and even get a few ponies to take shots for you, posing triumphantly in a variety of locations. >Every last image is shot down as "fake and gay". >Shit, this might be harder than you thought. >Two weeks later... >You've given up. You're relatively happy here, and 4chan is full of assholes, and wikipedia is full of anal fuckwits, and you're pretty sure the entire internet is just terrible. >You're in the park tossing a ball back and forth with Dash. >She throws a long one and you run for it, but you smack into a tree. >You fall over and rub your head. >Dash is already there, lending a hoof to help you up. >She makes a confused face and looks down at your phone. >A picture of Applejack's apple stall is showing. >"What's this?" >"Oh, nothing. Just trying to convince some assholes I'm in Equestria." >"And they don't believe the pictures?" >"Nope." >"...Huh." >She carefully nudges the buttons with the edge of a hoof, trying to navigate somewhere, and winds up in an AiE thread. >Her eyes scan the page for a minute. >"Mind if I borrow this?" >You give an exaggerated groan. >"But then how will I wake up in the morning?" >She rolls her eyes at you. >You stick out your tongue. >"So can I?" >"Sure, I guess." >Two weeks later... >"So Anon, have you seen these AiE threads?" >"Yeah, what about 'em? There's some shitty wish fulfillment, a few grand epics, and way too much clop." >"I kinda like some of this junk. The idea that FLUTTERSHY, of all ponies, could actually be that aggressive... it's hilarious!" >"Really? Huh. I dunno, I never really got into any of that. If you say there's some good stuff in there, maybe I'll have to try. Which authors don't suck?" >She names a few and hands you the phone. >Wow, look at that. Pastebin works, and so do the archives. >Convenient. >You put it in your pocket and go about your day. >That night, you push the cheap alarm clock you bought off of your bedside table and lovingly return your phone to its rightful place. >You roll over to go to sleep, but pause. >You decide to read a few of these supposedly good stories. >You're surprised to find there's actually some decent stuff here. >Most of the authors Dash recommended are pretty talented. >But then you get to one of them that really rubs you the wrong way. >Rustles your jimmies, you might say. >Every story is the same damn thing. >Dash has obvious romantic feelings for Anon, Anon's a stupid piece of shit, Dash eventually confesses, they make out, fade to black, cue credits. >It's always SO BLATANT that nobody could possibly be as blind and stupid as Anon. >You grumble a few more times, read something by a different author to cleanse your palate, and go to bed. >You and Dash meet up in town, and Dash looks anxious about something. >"So Anon, did you get a chance to read any of those stories?" >"Yeah, I read quite a few, actually." >She's starting to sweat a little. >"Did you like any of them?" >You nod. >"Surprisingly, yeah. Almost all of 'em." >She looks excited. >"Really?" >"Pretty much everything except for one particular author. I don't know what you see in their work." >Her ears droop. >"Oh... which one?" >You pull out the phone and proceed to give her a lecture on why those stories are bad and the author should feel bad. >She looks like she's got something in her eye and she hastily makes an excuse to be somewhere else. >She flies off. >The next day, she seems down. >You try to strike up conversation, but she seems mostly lost in thought. >Occasionally, you hear her mumble some part of what you said the other day. >Eventually, Twilight finds out about your wonderphone and you lose it temporarily. Again. >You frown as you shove the alarm clock back into place. >A few days after that, Twilight gathers the whole town with exciting news. >She's managed to reproduce the internet connectivity of your phone in a convenient form that can be distributed to everyp0ny. >The internet is PROBABLY going to destroy Equestria, but at least it'll be a hoot to watch. >You keep an eye on /mlp/ and watch the ensuing shitstorm. >The AiE thread is surprisingly quiet, but you do notice a few posts by that really shitty author. >Somehow, they're getting even shittier. >The Anon becomes ten times as oblivious, and you actually start compulsively hate-reading these stories, hoping he dies. >Preferably in a fire. >How could he do that to Dash? She's awesome! >You'd never do that. >You'd like to say you'd never fuck a pony either, but hey - when in Rome... >You start responding to these stories telling the author, in no uncertain terms, that they are a steaming pile of dicks and dead babies. >The author calls you stupid. >Not even cleverly, either. Just flat "stupid" with no decoration. >What a piece of shit. >Oh look, another shitty story. >This time it's about... huh. >It's at least a unique premise. >It's about an Anon who gets his internet back. >And then Dash learns about AiE and starts secretly writing them, hoping that'll do the trick, but gog dizzamn this Anon is thickheaded. >Let that sink in for a minute. >You really are pretty freakin' thick, you know that? >... >Yes Anon, I'm talking to you.