"Random Chrysalis Oneshots - Unsorted - Lulz Only"
By brandnewwritefag (https://pastebin.com/u/brandnewwritefag)

URL: https://pastebin.com/naEAV0jS
Created on: Saturday 16th of May 2015 08:18:26 PM CDT
Retrieved on: Sunday 1 of November 2020 04:42:04 AM UTC


"Hmmmm...."
>You sip your coffee, looking at the shopping list for your hive
>Thank goodness - eer, badness - that a new Costco opened up down the street
>Hive's gotta eat!
>And get tubs of gummi vitamins
>And all sort of other shit... ugh
>You sigh
>Right, one more time to make sure you're not missing anything
>You won't have a repeat of last winter where you only bought right winter booties for your drones
"Nylon Rope, Flintsones Gummies, Bedsheets, Pretzel Jars..."
>You start mumbling to yourself as you go down the list... hm. Wait a minute
>Inserted inbetween your impeccable cursive are some scribbles
>"Chezy poffs"
>. . .
>You're certain you stopped making irish coffees after that hussy re-stole your mayun... 
>This isn't your hoofwriting!
>You start scanning the list for other inconsistencies
>"Fret rol ups"
>Hm. Must be a hive guard drone... never did invest in their education.
>"Sparkly Lights" - well ok, that's a different writing than the first. Almost passable for your own. Maybe...one of your infiltrators? or assistants?
>"Chez like momys legs"
>You aww softly to yourself. 
>That one dies last.
>"Hamhamam"
>Hmm. You got nothin'.
>With a soft chuckle you stand up, preparing to leave
>"My Queen?" Your guard says, saluting as you walk by
"Just out for shopping.... again."
>"Yes, My Queen! I'll let the hive know."
>Your drone stands tall, a paragon of your hive, chosen of your children, strength of the swarm
>You almost don't see the blue crayon tucked in under it's helmet
>almost
"Oh, and do spread the word - I seem to be buying some Cheezy Poofs today. And some..."
>You check the list one more time
"Hamhamam."
>The drone fights to contain it's smile

*******************************

>*chicka-chhhkk-chk-chk*
>Ugh. Cicadas.
>I mean, sure, they only show up once a decade or some shit
>But when they do
>*chicka-chhhkkk-chk-chk-chk*
>Forget about sleeping
>You roll over in your bed, hoping maybe a pillow will help
>*CHICKA-CHHHKK-CHK-CHK-CHK*
>Holy shit that sounded way too loud
>You sit up, your eyes long-since adjusted to the night
>Hmm. Maybe.. one got inside?
>Fuck ok you can't sleep like this
>You shuffle out of bed, grabbing a magazine on the nightstand
>Rolling it up, you begin your search
>Nothing in here... maybe it went under the door?
>Of course it did. Fuck.
>Easing open your bedroom door, you hear muffled... footsteps?
>"...quiet...-nd in."
>Hm.
>*CHICKA-CHHHHKK-CHK-CH-*
"OK THAT IS SOME BULLSHIT MAGICAL CICADAS"
>"He's onto us! ATTACK"
>Wait what
>Suddenly black shapes launch at you from the shadows of your hall
>You do what any red-blooded Anon would do
"EeEEAUGhhuuh-OH GOD aaaAAAAAH~"
>Your wild swinging connects with your bug invaders, loud *thock*s dropping them one by one
>"FOOLS. I WILL SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE"
"I COMPOST REGULARLY WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME"
>A very tall shadow steps forward, eyes glowing green
>Yeah no
>You shut your bedroom door, locking it
>a loud *thump* is heard on the other side
>"HUMAN. SURRENDER YOUR LAND"
"Fuck you I've got raid!"
>"THIS IS A RAID."
"Not helping!"
>You light a candle - then another - and another
>as much light as possible
>You hide behind the doorframe, placing yourself all strategic-like
>The door creaks, before glowing green, unlatching on it's own accord
>"Ha ha ha....It was always a matter of time, hum-"
>*THOCK*
>Time passes
>A life age of the earth in just an instant
>The bug-thing looks up at you
>You look down at it
>Predator and Prey
>impaled magazine on it's horn separating your gaze
>"....I'm going to lay my eggs in your chest"
"Best two out of threeEAAAH~"
>She suddenly charges you, slamming you hard onto the ground
>Fuck fuck FUCK
>You start fighting
>She laughs - obviously stronger than you, she lets you get an arm up only to tamp it back down onto the floor
>Fuck this is no good
>"Ha ha ha... oh, yes, your fear is so... pungent...."
>Your hands reach and squirm
>Trying to grip against her bughooves
>Something, Anyth-
>"Ha ha -AHAAAH~!"
>She flinches hard, withdrawing a hoof
>Your hand was caught in one of the holes, fingers wiggling
>Another life-age of the earth passes between you two
>Predator and Prey
>"...let's not fight dirty nowwWAAAHA~"
>You begin wiggling your fingers in her holes
>L-LEWD
>She flails and squirms, backing up rapidly
>Panting heavily, you get up
"CASTLE DOCTRINE"
>"Whowh-NO GET OFF OF ME"
>You launch yourself at bugthing, grappling her successfully
>Well
>More like
>You throw yourself at bugthing, falling around her legs but good enough
>You viciously attack every hole, probing and prodding
>2LEWD4ME
>Bugthing laughs hard, hitting the deck
>She tucks in her limbs to her barrel, trying to roll away from you
>Nope
>"PLEEEAAH-HAAAH-EEEAAHHSSSEEEE~"
>Hmmmm
"You surrender unconditionall-"
>"NE-HAH-EVER! I W-AAAH~"
>You keep tickling for about another good 5 minutes
"Ok, so.... now?"
>She's in tears
>Well. Neon-Green glowing tears that coagulate like jello on your floor
>But, the thought's there
>She nods, and you relent
>For a few minutes she lays on her back, breathing hard
>"Haaah...hu*hic*man, that... no*hic* one must know abo*hic*ut this latest *hic* attempt."
>Wait
"What do you mean, 'latest attempt'?"
>She hiccups a few more times, before holding her breath
>That's fine
>You can wait her out
>She looks at you, puffing her cheeks out
>The hiccups rock her body back and forth... but they seem to be slowing
>"Whoooooo~"
>aand exhale
"So. Latest attempt."
>"Well. We *hic* dangit!"
"Just talk through it."
>"Hmph. Fine. We've been trying to *hic* take lesser kingdoms and fiefdoms before working on Equestria itself. Es*hic*stablish a base of operations, you see."
>Hmmmmm
"Are you evil?"
>Can't be too careful in this crazy marshmallow world
>She looks at you, then silently looks away, another hiccup rocking her body
>You create a handpuppet
"Nailed it"
"I know, right?"
>She looks back at you, confusion written on her face. "What... whatever. This was just the greatest failure-"
"Wait, so, those giant mayflies that were caught by my bugzapper-"
>"Advanced scouts."
"And the wasps caught in the sugar trap on my porch-"
>"Shock troops."
"Ladybugs?"
>"Amphibious landing squad."
"But I took them out-"
>"With a garden hose, I KNOW."
>Her limbs flail with pent up rage and frustration
>"And now THIS. Ugh, mother was right."
"Uh... what did she say?"
>"Clickclkciclckicicccikclclckcickkclckciclclckckctckhtktktkthcktktkktktktkhc."
>She sighs as she finishes, head resting on the floor
>Wise words.
>But she seems really down about this
"Hey... uh. Tell you what."
>"What."
"Well... how about we form a peace treaty? You don't have to waste more resources uh... taking over my fiefdom? And yeah. Maybe you can also tell the Cicadas to fuck off?"
>"Hmm. Negotiating with your betters for peace? And what makes you think you're in any posi-"
>She freezes solid as your finger traces the inside of her hoof
>"Haaah...."
"So. I'm Anon."
>"Quh...Queen Chrysalis"
"Imma call you Chryssi."
>"I'll rip out your-"
>You drag your finger up her leg
>"-you wouldn't dare - you promised!"
"Well, Chryssi. We still haven't finalized anything, and you seem like you want to have another go, so-"
>"N-no! No. Just... no. Fine. We will work out a ...Peace Treaty"
>She spat the last two words

>Week 5 of the treaty between
>ugh
>Glorious Queen Chrysalis, Changeling Sovereign, may her brood outnumber the stars and blot out the sun
>And
>Anon, that furless thing
>You didn't get to pick the names
"Morning, Chryssi."
>"Whelp, when I devour Celestia's heart, you will be-"
>Sooomebody's not had their coffee
"Yeah ok. Mail for you."
>"M-MAIL?! YOU HAVE MAIL FOR ME?! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET PACT-"
"Look, you room here, you pay half the rent. I'm not going to do some weird, under-the-radar sub-letting. What the hell did you think you were signing?!"
>She looks away at the pile of mail with a mixture of regret and hatred
>"I....do not bother myself with paperwork..."
"Yeah well maybe you should. Also, there's a 'welcome to ponyville' brochure on the table for you, and a 'do you REALLY want to be evil?' support group flier. Apparently if the elements come to you they'll bring cupcakes
>*HISS*
"Mmm, I figured. Anyway, I'm off for work soon. Please don't vomit ichor on the walls again-"
>"WE WILL NOT BE TOLD HOW TO BUILD A BROOD-NEST, MAMMAL."
>You put your hands on your hips, channeling your inner black woman
"Well nigga then it's coming out of YOUR deposit. I ain't goin' down for you!"
>You head-weave, and she shuts up
>"B-but it's a refundable depos-"
"IF your black ass doesn't fuck up the walls, it's refundable!"
>"F-fine." She paws at the tile floor.
>Dawh. You can't stay mad at your new roomie!
"Hey. Tell you what - how about I fuck off from work early and we go terrorize some school children?"
>Chrysalis perks up instantly. "C-can we visit them in the night, giving them nightmares for years?!"
>You smile
"Sure thing, sport. But I gotta go now!"
>"Bye Anon! I'll kill you last!"
>You wave as you walk out the door, stepping over the ichor-laced lawn
>Ponies, a few gryphons and some wild animals moan and twitch in the feeding-pods
>Sure, as far as yard-art goes, it's... questionable
>But those Jehoovas witnesses haven't bothered you in days

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