The Smut Thread Greentexts

Halloween in Commorragh

 

>"Alright! Lelith gave me PCP!"

>"I have a tablet of acid!"

>"I have some speed!"

>"Aww, I just got cocai-"

>"NANANANANA!"

>*a sudden tear in reality as Doomrider literally steals drugs from Dark Eldar children.*

 

>charlie brown in the back

>"I got a crack rock."

 

A Trip to the Mall

 

>Mom, Dad! I'm back from the mall!

>Did you have a fun time, Lofn?

>Yeah, it was great!

>Anything interesting happen?

>Yep, I ran into aunty Macha and Lelith at the video store!

>Dear gods, no!

>Oh, don't worry mom. They didn't show me anything weird.

>...okay.

>We went to the food court, and the arcade, and the tattoo parlor!

>You got a tattoo?!

>No, mom. I'm not stupid. Aunty Macha got one.

>Hmm...

>What's a "tramp stamp?"

>None of your damn business.

>Anyway, she got a tattoo, but -I- got a piercing.

*Taldeer snatches her daughter by the ears and scans them closely*

>Lofn, dear, don't scare me like that.

>Come on, mom. Why would I get my ears pierced.

>Yes, you're far to young for that.

>Aunty Lelith said lower is better, anyway.

 

>Secondary Asset, have you seen my rifle?

>Yeah, mom said she needed to borrow it to go slay a couple of daemons.

>That is nice.

>Hey dad, wanna see my new piercing?

 

So much for the Anniversary

 

> "Lofn, honey. It's time for you to get up!"

> "..."

> "Where did she run off to? Oh, LIIVI! There you are! Have you seen Lofn?"

> "Affirmative. Secondary Asset prepared breakfast for me an hour ago."

> "...But...It's our anniversary..."

> "Apologies. Vinidicare Training does not include marital information."

> "...Hmph...Just make sure you're ready for our *special* night, mkay?"

 

Later that night...

 

> "...Now bring that big old rifle over here so I can maintain it properly...I've been a *bad* girl..."

> "MMMOOOMMMM!! DAAAADDD!!!!"

> "For Isha's sake....WHAT?!"

> "I had a nightmare..."

> "..."

> "And I'm scared to go back to sleep..."

> "That is alright Secondary Asset, you may sleep with us. "

> "Yay~!"

> "...Does she *have* to sleep in-between us?"

 

A Kiss for Good Luck

 

>Secondary Asset.

>Yeah, dad?

>Primary Asset wishes for me to kiss you before I return to work.

>No.

>Lofn, don't be rude. Kiss your father goodbye.

>Not until he brushes his teeth.

>This one has already done so.

>No you haven't I can see some grit in between your teeth!

>What grit, Secondary Asset?

>Right there, that stringy bit...

>...

>Oh. My. Gods.

*Lofn runs out of the house.*

>Primary Asset. Something seems to be wrong with Secondary Asset.

>Come here.

>Affirmative.

>Open your mouth... Oh, Isha help me.

>Primary Asset?

>You've got hair in your mouth!

>It seems I do.

>No wonder she wanted you to brush.

>There was no need, Primary Asset.

>Come again?

>I have already thoroughly flossed.

 

Pillow Fight!

 

>Macha, we both knew this day would come.

>Indeed, Lelith. Lofn isn't big enough for the both of us.

>Let this be our final battle.

>And our greatest. Now, choose your weapon, wych.

>Then I will take these two, of the throwing variety.

>Clever, their angular sides will give you plenty of control

>And the rough surface will let you know, without a doubt, when I have hit you, Farseer.

>Then I choose the mighty dakimakura. It is large enough to to absorb the impacts of your weapons and still allow me to batter you into submission.

>I should have expected something like this from you, but...

>But what, FIEND?

>...is that the mon'keigh Emperor on the front?

>Err... yes, well. Um. It wouldn't be a dakimakura without a noble image applied to it.

>You sleep with it, don't you.

>...

>Don't you?

>...yes. But it is still a mighty weapon!

>Can you even swing that hard enough to hit me?

>The silk will lend me speed!

>My velvet will cripple you!

>For Isha's sake, you two! If you're going to pillow fight, at least put some undies on!

>Lofn, your aunt Lelith and I have our ways.

>Yes, don't interfere, young one. Just watch, and learn

 

*Down the hall, in Taldeer's apartment*

>LIVII!

>Yes, Primary Asset?

>Have you seen my good throw pillows?

>Affirmative. The whore wych claimed she needed them to slay a daemon.

>...

>...

>Where the hell is Lofn?

 

Hunting For Trouble

 

>Aunty Macha, what are we doing out here?

>Ssh, you have to keep quiet.

>Fine, but what are we doing?

>Your aunt Lelith and I thought it was about time you went hunting

>Hunting? I don't want to kill some poor, dumb animal!

>Kill? Lofn, you have the strangest tastes. Oh, look, there's aunt Lelith now!

>Why is she standing out in the open where those mon'keigh can see her?

>I said shush.

>...

>...

>Oh, so THAT'S what the net was for.

>Yep.

>Does she really need to use so much rope?

>No.

>You're both so weird.

>You'll get used to it. Now pick one out for yourself.

>But I don't wanna!

>Pick one, Lofn.

>Fine, I want the one with the black hat and coat.

>Oh, kinky. Here take this.

>I don't want a gun!

>It's your first time, so you need a handicap. Besides, the darts'll just put him to sleep

>Fine.

>...

>...

>...

>Does aunty Lelith have to do that out here?

>Well, she has these... urges.

>I hate both of you so much.

 

The Talk

 

>Lofn, dear. I think it's time we... had a talk.

>Mom, I don't understand.

>Oh, sweety, I know this may be hard for you, but it's something you need to...

>The anus plays no part in sexual reproduction.

>Err, what?

>And vibrating plastic dicks can't possibly increase fertilization.

>Lofn, Isha help me, what are you talking about?!

>AUNTY MACHA SHOWED ME YOUR SPECIAL DRAWER!

>Oh. Oh, dear.

>I even saw the "conception" video.

>But we didn't make a...

>Aunty did.

>...

>I can't believe you BOTH used the beads.

>Lofn, go to your room.

>I have that special light. I know what you've been doing in there when I'm gone.

>Maybe you should visit your grandfather for a few days until you can calm down...

>AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

 

>Primary Asset, this one wonders what the commotion is all about.

>DAAAAAD! Put some pants on.

 

Family Reunion, Part 1

 

> "Thank you all for coming. Now I know that tensions are high..."

> "HIGH?! YOU CALL THREATENING TO FLAY ME ALIVE HIGH?!"

> "Is she *always* like this? It's a miracle that adorable Lofn didn't inherit her mother's attitude."

> "I know Lelith, isn't that girl simply adorable? Speaking of which, who's that little one you brought along?"

> Lelith blushes

> "Can you keep a secret, my second cousin twice removed Macha?"

> "Uh, duh. I'm a Farseer after all."

> "That's...my child, T'riss.

> "Ooooo! And who's the lucky guy?"

*Lelith blushes and refuses to say anything more*

 

Family Reunion, Part 2

 

>"One time, I snuck into mom's bedroom and saw her just sitting there with dad...HOLDING HANDS!"

>"That's nothing. One time I walked in on my dad sodomizing my mom while biting her ears and calling her a 'xenos slut' as he slapped her ass."

>"We call those 'Wednesdays'."

>"Oh yeah, and Aunty Macha was spying on the whole thing."

>"You too?! Where does she even get the time..."

 

The Really Odd Couple

 

 

> "Alright, you damned cultist. If you're going to 'kaptoor me fhor kay-oss,' you'd better do it right. Use that strap-on there in the box."

> "Hyu arrr a hweeerd won, harrrlequinn..."

*Cultist-chan obtains a strap-on dildo +2*

> "Hallrite, heear hy comme!"

> *Honk*

> "...hwyyy iz..."

> "Don't worry, it's supposed to do that"

> "...eeff hyu saae zo!"

[Honking Intensifies]

 

How Does She Do That?

 

>"Superior. Eldar. Seed."

>"That doesn't make it any easier to clean up, though."

>"From my Spear. Of. Twilight."

>"Also, just because I happen to like it up the rear doesn't mean you get to keep making that joke.

> "Besides, his 'spear' is nothing compared to a certain person's plasma pistol."

> "Farseer Macha? What in Isha's name are you doing here?!"

> "Oh, you know me. Wherever there is Lewd, I will be there. Wherever there is an Eldar taking it up the rear, I will be there. Wherever..."

> "...Friend of yours?'

> "Gods no."

> "WHEREVER THERE IS A CHOIR BOY THAT NEEDS TENDER LOVE AND CARE, I WILL BE THERE!"

 

It May Be A Hole, But There's No Glory Here

 

> "Thanks for taking me to work for 'Bring your Child' to work day, Mom!"

> "You have to learn how to be a proper Farseer at some point, might as well start somewhere. Your father is good with weaponry, but he lacks the..."

> "Umm... not to interrupt, but where's the bathroom? I kinda need to..."

> "Oh, sure. Down the hall, third door on the right."

> "Thanks."

> ...

> "Ahhh... much better...Wait, why is there a hole here?"

> "Liiiiccckkkkk meeeee~ You know you want to, you dirty girl~"

> "AUNTY?!"

> "LOFN?!"

> "TALDEER!"

 

Nursing It

 

> "All right dearies, gather round~ Nurse Mach...Marien is here to make sure you're all in good health."

> "Umm... Ms. Marien, why are your ears bigger than normal?"

> "Oh don't mind that. It's just a silly little side effect of a nasty flu I picked up. Nothing to worry about though!"

> "And why did you knock out Sister Fera?"

> "She needed her rest. Nasty bit of Grox Rot. Now, enough questions. Remove your clothes and present your plasma pistols for inspection."

*Sister Fera wakes up*

> "Ugh...Emperor my head...what in the ever loving..."

> "Yes! YES~! Shower your precious nurse with your hot plasma!"

> "...I'm going to need two chainswords for this."