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Friendship is Magic (FR Short)

By: Th3seus on Feb 22nd, 2013 | syntax: None | size: 20.63 KB | hits: 234 | expires: Never

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>Day Friendship is Magic in Equestria
>Your alarm groans a terribly monotonous groan into your ear
>You pick it up and hurl it across the room
>It crashes into the wall, falling neatly into a pile of other destroyed alarm clocks
>You sit up in bed, open your drawer, and replace it with a new one
>The best investment anybody can make is into 264 alarm clocks
>That’s what Old Man Charles always told you back home
>And look at him now
>Bankrupt
>Probably unrelated
>You get up and gaze out the window to the playful p0nies
>Earth p0nies with their love of the land… pegasi with their wings…
>But what really pisses you off are the unicorns
>With fucking magic
>That isn’t even fair at all
It’s horseshit.
>You say
>as you lift your foot, revealing a smelly brown substance
>Damnit, Fluttershy, were you in here again?
>You wipe off the fecal matter and slide on your Dragon Ball Z boxers and casual sweatpants
>You head to the bathroom to shave
Fucking unicorns…
>You say as you carve the stubble from your face
Get all the good stuff. Casting spells ‘n shit.
>You sigh
>What you wouldn’t give to be magical, like your childhood hero Goku
>But no, fate would have you teleport to magical horse world, where everyone’s fucking magic but you
>You hate them all
>You’re cold, bitter, and have no friends
>And you wouldn’t have it any other way
>Because fuck them all
>You finish up your shave and head downstairs
>You head to the kitchen and pour yourself a nice bowl of cereal
>Carrying it over to the table, you hear a startlingly loud bang at your door
>You drop your bowl in surprise, shattering it on the ground
>Blood boiling
Fine. Fine!
>You yell
I didn’t want it anyway!
>You kick the cereal on the ground in a fit of rage
>And slip on the milk, crashing ass first on the floor
God fucking damnit!
>The door bangs again
HOLD YOUR SHIT!
>You stomp toward the door, seething with rage
>You’re going to punt Fluttershy to the fucking moon if it’s her
>You swing open the door with great force
>It flings speedily around to your wall, punching a hole in it with the knob
>You stare at it
>You point both hands at it
>Like, look at this shit!
>Are you serious!?
>But you say nothing
>Fuck it
>You don’t even care
[spoiler]>You care immensely.[/spoiler]
>You grit your teeth and look at your visitor
>It’s not Fluttershy
>It’s Spike the Dragon
>You sigh a sigh of relief
What do you want, man?
>He can tell you’re in a shit mood
>”I don’t know.”
>You stare at him
>He stares at you
>You glance away for a brief moment, look back at him, and raise your arms
Then why the fuck are you here?
>He’s about to say something
>But his chest inflates, his cheeks puff, and he spits a scroll right at your face
>It pegs you in the nose and falls to the ground
>…
>…
>Sigh…
>”That’s why.”
>You reach down and grab the paper, unravel it, and read it
“Dear Anonymous,
It has come to my attention that you are not enjoying your time here in Equestria. This is most unfortunate. I would like that all of my subjects be happy here in my land, and so I am issuing you some suggestions as to how you can be more happy. The first and only suggestion, really, is to make some friends. Remember, Anonymous: Friendship is Magic.
Take care,
Princess Celestia”
>You crumple the paper up and throw it at the dragon’s head
Eat it, and send it back. I don’t give a shit.
>Spike scoffs
>”It doesn’t work that way, man. I—“
>He spits another scrolls at your face
>It pegs your eye
>…
>…
>Groan…
>You pick it up and read it,
“No, Anonymous. Listen: Friendship is Magic.
Friendship.
Is.
Magic.”
>You crumple it up and begin chewing it
Fine, I’LL send it back.
>You say with your mouth full
>…
>…ugh
>You spit the glop of paper to your hand and peg Spike with it
>It sticks
Never mind. It’s gross.
>Spike groans
Probably doesn’t work that way anyway. Right?
>He’s just about to turn around and leave, but he coughs up a third scroll
Are you fucking serious?
>You grab it and whip it open
“Holy shit, Anonymous, you dense motherfucker. Make some friends, get some magic. You want to be magic too, right? Then make some goddamn friends. Fuck.”
>You stare at the paper a little longer…
>…good God, could this be the way…?
>Were you ignoring it the whole time…?
>You CAN be magic!
>Fuck yes!
>Spike sees the excitement on your face
>”Why so giddy all of a sudden?”
Dude!
>You yell, tossing the paper behind you
I can be like Goku! From Dragon Ball Z!
>He raises his eyebrows
>”What the hell is that?”
>…WHAT!?
>Oh HELL no!
>This dragon did not just say that
Are you serious!?
>You tear off your sweatpants like they were tear-aways
>Your glorious boxers are now in full view
>With your hairy dick poking out the middle
>Spike recoils in disgust
Look at this shit!
>You say, circling your boxer area
Isn’t it glorious!?
>”Oh Celestia, no! Anon, what are you doing!?”
>No?
>No?!
>NO!?!
>You grab his head and forcefully hold it to your boxers
>He struggles
Stop squirming and look!
>You hold open his eyelids
>He must see the glory of Super Saiyan 2 Gohan
>His hair is so glorious
Look at the hair!
>”Oh Celestia…” he says, choking back tears
Look at the hair! Isn’t it amazing?!
>”It’s so black and curly, it’s gross!”
No it’s not! It’s golden and beautiful!!
>”Okay! It’s golden and beautiful!” He says between sobs, “Whatever you say!”
LOVE IT!
>He throws up on you
FUCKING CHRIST!
>You whip him away from you and tear off your greasy boxers
Look what you’ve done, you piece of shit! I’ll kill you!
>He turns around and runs away crying
>You pant, your rage calming down, as you stand naked in front of your house
>You catch your breath, and look around
>Lyra and Bon Bon are staring at you, mouths agape, eyes wide
>You look to yourself, then your boxers, then them
…oh, oh no! No no! It’s not what… I was just—
>You laugh
He needed to know about my dragon balls!
>You say, waving your boxers
>Lyra vomits
>You scowl, then enter your house
Fuck you guys.
>You slam the door
>You go upstairs to change
>You only have one other pair of boxers
>And jeans will have to do since you tore your sweats
>You need more clothes
>Not like you can afford it
>Your alarm clock necessities drain almost all your cash
>God bless Old Man Charles
>As you get changed, you think over your process
>…Friendship is Magic…
>Make some friends, become magic, be Goku
>It’s the perfect plan
>But who could you be friends with…?
>…hmm.
>There’s a knock on the door
>You instinctively scowl
>…Fluttershy
>The yellow menace
>…do you dare even try?
>You loathe that creature
>You head down the stairs and to door
>…well, maybe you should just try
>…for your Saiyan powers
>You crack open the door
>And sure enough, it’s Fluttershy
>She’s decked out in scuba gear
>”H-Hi Anon… I was—“
Not even fucking close. Look, do you want to be friends?
>Her eyes widen and swell
>And her mouth curves from ear to ear
>”Y-You want to be friends… w-with me…?”
>You roll your eyes
Yeah, sure, why not. Friends are great. I love friends. Can’t have enough friends. Went to shit after the fourth season, though.
>She beams, and takes to the air
>She gives you a quick hug
>Your skin burns where she touches
>But you hide it
>She breaks it, still floating above you
>”Oh, I’d love to, Anon!”
Great.
>She smiles
Just great... DRAGON FIST!
>You launch into the air and punch her square in the chest
>She launches up a few feet, then arcs back down to the ground, crashing hard
>She’s unconscious
>You shake your hand a bit and sigh
God damnit. I was supposed to go through her.
>You walk over to her unconscious body.
Guess I’m not Goku level just yet.
>…you squint your eyes
Or this whore wasn’t my friend at all.
>You haul her above your head and walk her toward a nearby stream
THIS’ll teach ya to feign friendship to get in my pants!
>You toss her in the stream
>She washes away
>She’s in scuba gear, she’ll be fine
>You sigh, and make your way toward P0nyville
SOMEONE in this fucking town’s gotta wanna be my friend.
>You arrive in town
>You make your way to the square, take a deep breath, exhale, and observe your surroundings
>…so many buildings
>So many p0nies…
>Which to try…?
>…aha!
>You mosey on over to Sugarcube Corner
>As in, hands at your belt, sway shoulders, cowboy style
>You’re fucking moseying
>Bitches prolly getting’ wet ERR’YWHERE
>You arrive at the door and enter
>The place is near deserted, and Pinkie Pie is in the kitchen, doing some baking
>You head over to the counter and ring the bell
>She launches herself from behind it
>How the…?
>”Hey there, Nonny! What are you doing out of your house?”
>What?
Just… you know, going for my usual walk.
>”You never leave your house…”
What? That’s ridiculous, I’m always out… moseying around.
>”I’ve never seen you.”
Well maybe open your eyes every once in a while you cock smoking—
>Sheeeit
I mean… hey, wanna hang out, Pinkie?
>She tilts her head
>”You wanna hang out? That’s strange!”
You’re fucking strange.
>Bitch.
>”What…?”
>Her lower lip quivers, her ears fall flat, and her eyes water
>Shit!
I mean—Stranger than Fiction!
>She tilts her head
--was a pretty good movie! Considering Will Ferrell’s experimentation with a non-comedic role.
>She laughs
>”You’re silly! Come bake with me!”
>You nod your head
>Cha-ching! You just arrived at the dock, next vessel departing: the FriendShip!
>You hop the counter and follow Pinkie Pie into the kitchen
>She’s got quite a few things going on
>She pushes a plate of cookies over to you
>”Here! I just made these! Tell me how they are!”
>You pick up the plate, and hold a cookie in your hand
>You squint at them
>Pink frosting, sprinkles, smiley faces on them
They’re fucking gay.
>You toss the cookie behind your back
>Pinkie looks at you confused
>You stare at her, and without breaking eye contact, dump the rest of the cookies on the ground
>She looks even more confused
I’d shit on them, but I don’t have to use the bathroom. So use your imagination as I make fart noises.
>You crouch over them and play the mouth trumpet
>Pinkie’s starting to look sad
Hey,
>You say, standing back up
Buck up. I’LL show you how to make great cookies.
>”You can make cookies…?” She asks, with bewilderment and doubt
>You nod and smile
Yup. Good friend of mine taught me, Old Man Charles. He ain’t ever wrong about anything.
>You scrounge through the kitchen, grabbing all the ingredients you can
>Baking soda, hot sauce, some leftover chili Pinkie had, some brown sauce you can’t identify, but hey, looks fine
>You throw them in a bowl and start mixing them up
>”Umm, Nonny, I don’t think—“
Hey, I got an idea…
>…
…why don’t you shut up?
>Pinkie closes her mouth
>You get the batter ready, throw them into the oven, wait a few minutes, and take out your masterpieces
>Beautiful chunky circles of an indescribable color
Here,
>You say, prying one off,
Try one.
>Pinkie looks at you, then to the cookies, and reluctantly grabs one
>She takes a very small bite
>Her face turns green
>You stare at her intently
>She chews slowly, then swallows, gags a little, then smiles
>”They’re… they’re good…!”
You’re lying…
>”No! I like them!”
I can tell, Pinkie. Don’t lie to me. I know.
>”Well… they could use… a LITTLE improvement…”
>You twitch in anger
No! They’re fucking perfect!
>”No! I mean, they’re good! Just a liiiitle improvement would be good! I have a white board here, I’ll write down some ideas! Just let me grab my marker—“
No!
>You yell, cutting her off
Fuck you! And fuck your marker!
>You stomp out of the kitchen
They’re perfect…
>You mutter as you leave the building
>Old Man Charles knows his shit
>So what if he’s like 93 and has Alzheimer’s?
>That’s a grade above Weisemheimer’s, the wisest people around!
>Bitch don’t know nothing
>’Bout anything
>Okay, that was a bust, where to next?
>You glance around, and your eye catches the Carousal Boutique
>You [spoiler]mosey[/spoiler] on over and open the door
White horse!
>You yell
>Rarity, who’s adjusting some dress on a mannequin, turns to you
>”…who, me?”
Yes, you.
>You close the door behind you
>”Anon, how… wonderful to see you. What can I do for you?”
>Was that bitch being sarcastic?
Yeah, you too—hey, wanna hang out?
>She puts on a confused expression
>”Hang out… you want to hang out with me?”
Yeah, sure, let’s do something.
>She puzzles for a bit
>”…okay, sure. Would you mind modeling for me? I have a few dresses I’d like to straighten out.”
>You stare at her
>She stares at you
>You back to her
>…
…no, that’s fucking gay. Eat a dick.
>You open the door and slam it behind you
>Okay, two down…
>You walk back into the square area, then into the market
>You see Applejack peddling her shit-tier fruit
>…ehh, why not?
>You walk over
Hey Frootloops, how’s it hanging?
>She gives you the most perplexed face you’ve ever seen
>Then shakes it off
>”Howdy there, Anon. What kin Ah do ya for?”
Just want to know if you want to hang. As friends.
>She looks confused
>Then smiles
>”Well, that’s mighty kind ‘uh ya, Anon. ‘Nfortunatly, Ah’m in the middle ‘a workin’, and—“
What, need customers? I got your back.
>You turn, cup your hands to your mouth, and yell at the top of your lungs
HEY, EVERYONE WHO DOESN’T EAT CINNIMONTOASTCRUNCH’S APPLES IS A FAGGOT!
>Your voice echoes throughout the market
>Everyp0ny is quiet
>Applejack, embarrassed, hides behind her cart
>”Hey!,” a p0ny from another cart yells, “shut up, and don’t be so rude!”
FUCK you, Berry Punch, your wine tastes like SHIT!
>”Anon…” you hear from behind Applejack’s cart, “maybe y’all should just… ye know, leave…”
>Ah, your job is done
>She’s relieving you of your friendly duties
>’Cuz you’re totally friends
Yeah, whatever, sure.
>She puts on a face, like, “was it really that easy?”, then smiles
Just lemme take care of this bitch first.
>She facehoofs
>You walk over and cup your hands to your waist
KA! ME! HA! ME—
>Everyp0ny looks so confused
HAAAAA!!!
>…
>…
>So silent…
Uhmm…
>You stand back up and brush of your chest
>You clear your throat, then turn around
>You walk past Applejack
Lyin’ broad…
>You mutter as you do
>Damnit, okay, three down
>You continue your walk through town
>You suddenly find yourself among a large tree library
>…that Twilight Sparkle bitch
>She might want to be friends
>You knock on the door a few times
>The purple mare herself answers the door
>And gives you a sour look
Hey there, Twilight.
>She raises her eyebrow
>”Did you try to molest Spike earlier today?”
>Wait, what?
That prick! He doesn’t fucking get it! If he gathers the balls, he gets a free wish!
>She slams the door in your face
>…well, that’s four
>Bitch.
>You step away from the library and take a seat on a bench
>Fucking hell…
>Who knew making friends was so goddamn hard?
>You sigh
>You’ll never get to be Goku…
>…
>A blue blur quickly lands on the bench beside you
>”Hey Anon, rare sight to see you out of your house.”
>You turn to look
>Fucking Rainbow Dyke
Piss off, cuntlicker, I’m in no mood.
>She scoffs
>”I was just trying to be friendly, you knobgoblin.”
>You turn to her and squint your eyes
Being friendly is for queers. At least you fit the bill, dickwad.
>She punches your shoulder a little hard
>”You’re an prick, you know that, asshole?”
Shut up, you… troutsniffer.
>She breaks into a laugh
>”TROUTSNIFFER? Is that the best you can come up with!?”
>She’s cracking up
Hey, FUCK you! Home Alone 2 is a great movie!
>You turn away from her to stew in your own rage
>She, still laughing, wraps a hoof around your shoulder
>”Ohh man, Anon… you’re a riot, you know that?”
>You turn to her with a questioning look
>”Even if you are a real fuckwad.”
Yeah, whatever.
>You turn away again
>”Hey, I was wondering, you wanna hang out sometime?”
>…wait, what…?
>You turn to her
You… want to hang out… with me…?
>She laughs
>”Sure, why not? You seem cool.”
>You… can’t believe it
Like… like friends?
>She rolls her eyes at you
>”What are you, fucking drunk? Yes, like friends!”
>Your chest lightens up
>…what is this feeling…?
>You feel your mouth curl up into a smile
>Your eyes twinkle
…yeah… yeah, I’d love to hang out sometime… buddy.
>She smiles, and playfully punches your shoulder
>”Sounds good, friend!”
>Friend…
>You’re… you’re actually happy…
>This feels… amazing…
>…
>What… what is that feeling…?
>Rainbow Dash backs off a little
>”Uhm, Anon…?”
>You look down with a wondrous expression
>Your chest is giving off some kind of light
>Soon, you hover into the air, the light encapsulating you
>Rainbow Dash shields her eyes from your brilliance
>You feel some kind of power overtaking you
>Some kind of… magic power
>Friendship… really is magic!
>It pierces you, the magic flowing through your veins
>A completely blinding light flashes from you, accompanied by a loud, piercing noise
>A huge gust of wind erupts from around you, blowing debris everywhere
>Dash barely hangs on, shielding her eyes
>Then… it’s over
>Dash lowers her front hoof from her eyes, and observes you
>”Whoooaa…..”
>You descend to the ground, and fall to your knees
What… What happened…?
>You look at your hands
>They look and feel so… strong
>”Anon…” Dash manages to get out
>You gaze up to her
Wh-What…?
>”You… you look like…”
>A god?
>A saiyan?
>A golden haired prince?
>”…a monkey.”
>…what…?
>…WHAT!?
>You glance down to your chest
>Red fur coats your shirtless chest
No…
>You spin around and see a red tail protruding from your yellow, sweat-like pants
No… this can’t be…
>You plant your feet to the ground, and with blinding speed, dash/float over to the closest house
>You grip the doorknob and pull
>You rip the entire front half of the house off
>Two p0nies stare at you dumbfounded
Mirror! I need a mirror!
>They nod quickly, and dash off, returning with a long, oval-like mirror
>You gaze upon yourself
>It… can’t be…
>Red fur…
>Long, black hair…
>Monkey tail…
>Yellow pants…
…fucking… Super… SAIYAN… FOOOOOUR!?!
>You yell at the top of your lungs
>Your voice alone demolishes the house
THIS ISN’T EVEN A REAL SAIYAN FORM! WHERE’S MY GOLDEN HAIR!? THIS HAIR IS FUCKING BLACK!!!
>Dash rushes over
>”Anon, calm down!”
FUCK YOU! THIS IS TERRIBLE! GT SUCKED! SUPER SAIYAN FOUR ISN’T EVEN CAAANOOOOOOON!!!
>Energy bursts from around you, blowing away Dash
>Entire houses start to crumble and blow away from your sheer power
>The ki inside you is building
>Ready for release!
FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—
>You burst an explosive blast of energy from you
>It holds the power of a nuclear blast
>Everything and everyp0ny around you is engulfed in a huge explosive, radiating blast of energy
>The sound is tremendous, deafening, and frightening
>Rocks and cliffs are destroyed, a crater is created from below you, and the entire town is destroyed
>You stand in a wasteland
>No sign or hint of a town ever being around you is left
>It smolders viciously
>And you pant, over and over, the rage slowly starting to leave you
>But you’re still so pissed off
>…from a stream not too far away, a yellow p0ny pokes her head up, gasping for air
>She opens her eyes and looks at the environment around her
>”…oh my…”
>She takes to the air, and flutters slowly over to you
>You hardly take notice, and don’t even acknowledge her
>”D-Did you do this…?”
>You don’t answer
>”…Anon… that’s you, right?”
>No answer still
>She looks at your new form
>Your sexy looking red fur
>Your protruding muscles
>Your strong and flexible looking tail
>The red around your eyes
>That glorious black hair
>”H-Hey Anon…”
>Still no response
>”N-Now I guess you really do h-have a… hot monkey dick…”
>…
>”W-Would you want to give it to me…?”
>Finally, you turn to Fluttershy
>And stare at her
>She’s smiling a bashful smile
>She smiles it even wider, a squeeing noise escaping her
>…
>You charge up a kick and punt her, as hard as you can, straight into the air
>She launches up with the speed on a thousand Rainbow Dashes
FUCK YOU FLUTTERSHY!!
The End

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>Day Friendship is Magic in Equestria
>Your alarm groans a terribly monotonous groan into your ear
>You pick it up and hurl it across the room
>It crashes into the wall, falling neatly into a pile of other destroyed alarm clocks
>You sit up in bed, open your drawer, and replace it with a new one
>The best investment anybody can make is into 264 alarm clocks
>That’s what Old Man Charles always told you back home
>And look at him now
>Bankrupt
>Probably unrelated
>You get up and gaze out the window to the playful p0nies
>Earth p0nies with their love of the land… pegasi with their wings…
>But what really pisses you off are the unicorns
>With fucking magic
>That isn’t even fair at all
It’s horseshit.
>You say 
>as you lift your foot, revealing a smelly brown substance
>Damnit, Fluttershy, were you in here again?
>You wipe off the fecal matter and slide on your Dragon Ball Z boxers and casual sweatpants
>You head to the bathroom to shave
Fucking unicorns…
>You say as you carve the stubble from your face
Get all the good stuff. Casting spells ‘n shit.
>You sigh
>What you wouldn’t give to be magical, like your childhood hero Goku
>But no, fate would have you teleport to magical horse world, where everyone’s fucking magic but you
>You hate them all
>You’re cold, bitter, and have no friends
>And you wouldn’t have it any other way
>Because fuck them all
>You finish up your shave and head downstairs
>You head to the kitchen and pour yourself a nice bowl of cereal
>Carrying it over to the table, you hear a startlingly loud bang at your door
>You drop your bowl in surprise, shattering it on the ground
>Blood boiling
Fine. Fine! 
>You yell
I didn’t want it anyway!
>You kick the cereal on the ground in a fit of rage
>And slip on the milk, crashing ass first on the floor
God fucking damnit!
>The door bangs again
HOLD YOUR SHIT!
>You stomp toward the door, seething with rage
>You’re going to punt Fluttershy to the fucking moon if it’s her
>You swing open the door with great force
>It flings speedily around to your wall, punching a hole in it with the knob
>You stare at it
>You point both hands at it
>Like, look at this shit!
>Are you serious!?
>But you say nothing
>Fuck it
>You don’t even care
[spoiler]>You care immensely.[/spoiler]
>You grit your teeth and look at your visitor
>It’s not Fluttershy
>It’s Spike the Dragon
>You sigh a sigh of relief
What do you want, man?
>He can tell you’re in a shit mood
>”I don’t know.”
>You stare at him
>He stares at you
>You glance away for a brief moment, look back at him, and raise your arms
Then why the fuck are you here?
>He’s about to say something
>But his chest inflates, his cheeks puff, and he spits a scroll right at your face
>It pegs you in the nose and falls to the ground
>…
>…
>Sigh…
>”That’s why.”
>You reach down and grab the paper, unravel it, and read it
“Dear Anonymous,
It has come to my attention that you are not enjoying your time here in Equestria. This is most unfortunate. I would like that all of my subjects be happy here in my land, and so I am issuing you some suggestions as to how you can be more happy. The first and only suggestion, really, is to make some friends. Remember, Anonymous: Friendship is Magic.
Take care,
Princess Celestia”
>You crumple the paper up and throw it at the dragon’s head
Eat it, and send it back. I don’t give a shit.
>Spike scoffs
>”It doesn’t work that way, man. I—“
>He spits another scrolls at your face
>It pegs your eye
>…
>…
>Groan…
>You pick it up and read it,
“No, Anonymous. Listen: Friendship is Magic.
Friendship.
Is.
Magic.”
>You crumple it up and begin chewing it
Fine, I’LL send it back.
>You say with your mouth full
>…
>…ugh
>You spit the glop of paper to your hand and peg Spike with it
>It sticks
Never mind. It’s gross.
>Spike groans
Probably doesn’t work that way anyway. Right?
>He’s just about to turn around and leave, but he coughs up a third scroll
Are you fucking serious?
>You grab it and whip it open
“Holy shit, Anonymous, you dense motherfucker. Make some friends, get some magic. You want to be magic too, right? Then make some goddamn friends. Fuck.”
>You stare at the paper a little longer…
>…good God, could this be the way…?
>Were you ignoring it the whole time…?
>You CAN be magic!
>Fuck yes!
>Spike sees the excitement on your face
>”Why so giddy all of a sudden?”
Dude!
>You yell, tossing the paper behind you
I can be like Goku! From Dragon Ball Z!
>He raises his eyebrows
>”What the hell is that?”
>…WHAT!?
>Oh HELL no!
>This dragon did not just say that
Are you serious!?
>You tear off your sweatpants like they were tear-aways
>Your glorious boxers are now in full view
>With your hairy dick poking out the middle
>Spike recoils in disgust
Look at this shit!
>You say, circling your boxer area
Isn’t it glorious!?
>”Oh Celestia, no! Anon, what are you doing!?”
>No?
>No?!
>NO!?!
>You grab his head and forcefully hold it to your boxers
>He struggles
Stop squirming and look!
>You hold open his eyelids
>He must see the glory of Super Saiyan 2 Gohan
>His hair is so glorious
Look at the hair!
>”Oh Celestia…” he says, choking back tears
Look at the hair! Isn’t it amazing?!
>”It’s so black and curly, it’s gross!”
No it’s not! It’s golden and beautiful!!
>”Okay! It’s golden and beautiful!” He says between sobs, “Whatever you say!”
LOVE IT!
>He throws up on you
FUCKING CHRIST!
>You whip him away from you and tear off your greasy boxers
Look what you’ve done, you piece of shit! I’ll kill you!
>He turns around and runs away crying
>You pant, your rage calming down, as you stand naked in front of your house
>You catch your breath, and look around
>Lyra and Bon Bon are staring at you, mouths agape, eyes wide
>You look to yourself, then your boxers, then them
…oh, oh no! No no! It’s not what… I was just—
>You laugh
He needed to know about my dragon balls!
>You say, waving your boxers
>Lyra vomits
>You scowl, then enter your house
Fuck you guys.
>You slam the door
>You go upstairs to change
>You only have one other pair of boxers
>And jeans will have to do since you tore your sweats
>You need more clothes
>Not like you can afford it
>Your alarm clock necessities drain almost all your cash
>God bless Old Man Charles
>As you get changed, you think over your process
>…Friendship is Magic…
>Make some friends, become magic, be Goku
>It’s the perfect plan
>But who could you be friends with…?
>…hmm.
>There’s a knock on the door
>You instinctively scowl
>…Fluttershy
>The yellow menace
>…do you dare even try?
>You loathe that creature
>You head down the stairs and to door
>…well, maybe you should just try
>…for your Saiyan powers
>You crack open the door
>And sure enough, it’s Fluttershy
>She’s decked out in scuba gear
>”H-Hi Anon… I was—“
Not even fucking close. Look, do you want to be friends?
>Her eyes widen and swell
>And her mouth curves from ear to ear
>”Y-You want to be friends… w-with me…?”
>You roll your eyes
Yeah, sure, why not. Friends are great. I love friends. Can’t have enough friends. Went to shit after the fourth season, though.
>She beams, and takes to the air
>She gives you a quick hug
>Your skin burns where she touches
>But you hide it
>She breaks it, still floating above you
>”Oh, I’d love to, Anon!”
Great.
>She smiles
Just great... DRAGON FIST!
>You launch into the air and punch her square in the chest
>She launches up a few feet, then arcs back down to the ground, crashing hard
>She’s unconscious
>You shake your hand a bit and sigh
God damnit. I was supposed to go through her.
>You walk over to her unconscious body.
Guess I’m not Goku level just yet.
>…you squint your eyes
Or this whore wasn’t my friend at all.
>You haul her above your head and walk her toward a nearby stream
THIS’ll teach ya to feign friendship to get in my pants!
>You toss her in the stream
>She washes away
>She’s in scuba gear, she’ll be fine
>You sigh, and make your way toward P0nyville
SOMEONE in this fucking town’s gotta wanna be my friend.

>You arrive in town
>You make your way to the square, take a deep breath, exhale, and observe your surroundings
>…so many buildings
>So many p0nies…
>Which to try…?
>…aha!
>You mosey on over to Sugarcube Corner
>As in, hands at your belt, sway shoulders, cowboy style
>You’re fucking moseying
>Bitches prolly getting’ wet ERR’YWHERE
>You arrive at the door and enter
>The place is near deserted, and Pinkie Pie is in the kitchen, doing some baking
>You head over to the counter and ring the bell
>She launches herself from behind it
>How the…?
>”Hey there, Nonny! What are you doing out of your house?”
>What?
Just… you know, going for my usual walk.
>”You never leave your house…”
What? That’s ridiculous, I’m always out… moseying around.
>”I’ve never seen you.”
Well maybe open your eyes every once in a while you cock smoking—
>Sheeeit
I mean… hey, wanna hang out, Pinkie?
>She tilts her head
>”You wanna hang out? That’s strange!”
You’re fucking strange.
>Bitch.
>”What…?”
>Her lower lip quivers, her ears fall flat, and her eyes water
>Shit!
I mean—Stranger than Fiction!
>She tilts her head
--was a pretty good movie! Considering Will Ferrell’s experimentation with a non-comedic role.
>She laughs
>”You’re silly! Come bake with me!”
>You nod your head
>Cha-ching! You just arrived at the dock, next vessel departing: the FriendShip!
>You hop the counter and follow Pinkie Pie into the kitchen
>She’s got quite a few things going on
>She pushes a plate of cookies over to you
>”Here! I just made these! Tell me how they are!”
>You pick up the plate, and hold a cookie in your hand
>You squint at them
>Pink frosting, sprinkles, smiley faces on them
They’re fucking gay.
>You toss the cookie behind your back
>Pinkie looks at you confused
>You stare at her, and without breaking eye contact, dump the rest of the cookies on the ground
>She looks even more confused
I’d shit on them, but I don’t have to use the bathroom. So use your imagination as I make fart noises.
>You crouch over them and play the mouth trumpet
>Pinkie’s starting to look sad
Hey,
>You say, standing back up
Buck up. I’LL show you how to make great cookies.
>”You can make cookies…?” She asks, with bewilderment and doubt
>You nod and smile
Yup. Good friend of mine taught me, Old Man Charles. He ain’t ever wrong about anything.
>You scrounge through the kitchen, grabbing all the ingredients you can
>Baking soda, hot sauce, some leftover chili Pinkie had, some brown sauce you can’t identify, but hey, looks fine
>You throw them in a bowl and start mixing them up
>”Umm, Nonny, I don’t think—“
Hey, I got an idea…
>…
…why don’t you shut up?
>Pinkie closes her mouth
>You get the batter ready, throw them into the oven, wait a few minutes, and take out your masterpieces
>Beautiful chunky circles of an indescribable color
Here,
>You say, prying one off,
Try one.
>Pinkie looks at you, then to the cookies, and reluctantly grabs one
>She takes a very small bite
>Her face turns green
>You stare at her intently
>She chews slowly, then swallows, gags a little, then smiles
>”They’re… they’re good…!”
You’re lying…
>”No! I like them!”
I can tell, Pinkie. Don’t lie to me. I know.
>”Well… they could use… a LITTLE improvement…”
>You twitch in anger
No! They’re fucking perfect!
>”No! I mean, they’re good! Just a liiiitle improvement would be good! I have a white board here, I’ll write down some ideas! Just let me grab my marker—“
No!
>You yell, cutting her off
Fuck you! And fuck your marker!
>You stomp out of the kitchen
They’re perfect…
>You mutter as you leave the building
>Old Man Charles knows his shit
>So what if he’s like 93 and has Alzheimer’s?
>That’s a grade above Weisemheimer’s, the wisest people around!
>Bitch don’t know nothing
>’Bout anything
>Okay, that was a bust, where to next?
>You glance around, and your eye catches the Carousal Boutique
>You [spoiler]mosey[/spoiler] on over and open the door
White horse!
>You yell
>Rarity, who’s adjusting some dress on a mannequin, turns to you
>”…who, me?”
Yes, you.
>You close the door behind you
>”Anon, how… wonderful to see you. What can I do for you?”
>Was that bitch being sarcastic?
Yeah, you too—hey, wanna hang out?
>She puts on a confused expression
>”Hang out… you want to hang out with me?”
Yeah, sure, let’s do something.
>She puzzles for a bit
>”…okay, sure. Would you mind modeling for me? I have a few dresses I’d like to straighten out.”
>You stare at her
>She stares at you
>You back to her
>…
…no, that’s fucking gay. Eat a dick.
>You open the door and slam it behind you
>Okay, two down…
>You walk back into the square area, then into the market
>You see Applejack peddling her shit-tier fruit
>…ehh, why not?
>You walk over
Hey Frootloops, how’s it hanging?
>She gives you the most perplexed face you’ve ever seen
>Then shakes it off
>”Howdy there, Anon. What kin Ah do ya for?”
Just want to know if you want to hang. As friends.
>She looks confused
>Then smiles
>”Well, that’s mighty kind ‘uh ya, Anon. ‘Nfortunatly, Ah’m in the middle ‘a workin’, and—“
What, need customers? I got your back.
>You turn, cup your hands to your mouth, and yell at the top of your lungs
HEY, EVERYONE WHO DOESN’T EAT CINNIMONTOASTCRUNCH’S APPLES IS A FAGGOT!
>Your voice echoes throughout the market
>Everyp0ny is quiet
>Applejack, embarrassed, hides behind her cart
>”Hey!,” a p0ny from another cart yells, “shut up, and don’t be so rude!”
FUCK you, Berry Punch, your wine tastes like SHIT!
>”Anon…” you hear from behind Applejack’s cart, “maybe y’all should just… ye know, leave…”
>Ah, your job is done
>She’s relieving you of your friendly duties
>’Cuz you’re totally friends
Yeah, whatever, sure.
>She puts on a face, like, “was it really that easy?”, then smiles
Just lemme take care of this bitch first.
>She facehoofs
>You walk over and cup your hands to your waist
KA! ME! HA! ME—
>Everyp0ny looks so confused
HAAAAA!!!
>…
>…
>So silent…
Uhmm…
>You stand back up and brush of your chest
>You clear your throat, then turn around
>You walk past Applejack
Lyin’ broad…
>You mutter as you do
>Damnit, okay, three down
>You continue your walk through town
>You suddenly find yourself among a large tree library
>…that Twilight Sparkle bitch
>She might want to be friends
>You knock on the door a few times
>The purple mare herself answers the door
>And gives you a sour look
Hey there, Twilight.
>She raises her eyebrow
>”Did you try to molest Spike earlier today?”
>Wait, what?
That prick! He doesn’t fucking get it! If he gathers the balls, he gets a free wish!
>She slams the door in your face
>…well, that’s four
>Bitch.
>You step away from the library and take a seat on a bench
>Fucking hell…
>Who knew making friends was so goddamn hard?
>You sigh
>You’ll never get to be Goku…
>…
>A blue blur quickly lands on the bench beside you
>”Hey Anon, rare sight to see you out of your house.”
>You turn to look
>Fucking Rainbow Dyke
Piss off, cuntlicker, I’m in no mood.
>She scoffs
>”I was just trying to be friendly, you knobgoblin.”
>You turn to her and squint your eyes
Being friendly is for queers. At least you fit the bill, dickwad.
>She punches your shoulder a little hard
>”You’re an prick, you know that, asshole?”
Shut up, you… troutsniffer.
>She breaks into a laugh
>”TROUTSNIFFER? Is that the best you can come up with!?”
>She’s cracking up
Hey, FUCK you! Home Alone 2 is a great movie!
>You turn away from her to stew in your own rage
>She, still laughing, wraps a hoof around your shoulder
>”Ohh man, Anon… you’re a riot, you know that?”
>You turn to her with a questioning look
>”Even if you are a real fuckwad.”
Yeah, whatever.
>You turn away again
>”Hey, I was wondering, you wanna hang out sometime?”
>…wait, what…?
>You turn to her
You… want to hang out… with me…?
>She laughs
>”Sure, why not? You seem cool.”
>You… can’t believe it
Like… like friends?
>She rolls her eyes at you
>”What are you, fucking drunk? Yes, like friends!”
>Your chest lightens up
>…what is this feeling…?
>You feel your mouth curl up into a smile
>Your eyes twinkle
…yeah… yeah, I’d love to hang out sometime… buddy.
>She smiles, and playfully punches your shoulder
>”Sounds good, friend!”
>Friend…
>You’re… you’re actually happy…
>This feels… amazing…
>…
>What… what is that feeling…?
>Rainbow Dash backs off a little
>”Uhm, Anon…?”
>You look down with a wondrous expression
>Your chest is giving off some kind of light
>Soon, you hover into the air, the light encapsulating you
>Rainbow Dash shields her eyes from your brilliance
>You feel some kind of power overtaking you
>Some kind of… magic power
>Friendship… really is magic!
>It pierces you, the magic flowing through your veins
>A completely blinding light flashes from you, accompanied by a loud, piercing noise
>A huge gust of wind erupts from around you, blowing debris everywhere
>Dash barely hangs on, shielding her eyes
>Then… it’s over
>Dash lowers her front hoof from her eyes, and observes you
>”Whoooaa…..”
>You descend to the ground, and fall to your knees
What… What happened…?
>You look at your hands
>They look and feel so… strong
>”Anon…” Dash manages to get out
>You gaze up to her
Wh-What…?
>”You… you look like…”
>A god?
>A saiyan?
>A golden haired prince?
>”…a monkey.”
>…what…?
>…WHAT!?
>You glance down to your chest
>Red fur coats your shirtless chest
No…
>You spin around and see a red tail protruding from your yellow, sweat-like pants
No… this can’t be…
>You plant your feet to the ground, and with blinding speed, dash/float over to the closest house
>You grip the doorknob and pull
>You rip the entire front half of the house off
>Two p0nies stare at you dumbfounded
Mirror! I need a mirror!
>They nod quickly, and dash off, returning with a long, oval-like mirror
>You gaze upon yourself
>It… can’t be…
>Red fur…
>Long, black hair…
>Monkey tail…
>Yellow pants…
…fucking… Super… SAIYAN… FOOOOOUR!?!
>You yell at the top of your lungs
>Your voice alone demolishes the house
THIS ISN’T EVEN A REAL SAIYAN FORM! WHERE’S MY GOLDEN HAIR!? THIS HAIR IS FUCKING BLACK!!!
>Dash rushes over
>”Anon, calm down!”
FUCK YOU! THIS IS TERRIBLE! GT SUCKED! SUPER SAIYAN FOUR ISN’T EVEN CAAANOOOOOOON!!!
>Energy bursts from around you, blowing away Dash
>Entire houses start to crumble and blow away from your sheer power
>The ki inside you is building
>Ready for release!
FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—
>You burst an explosive blast of energy from you
>It holds the power of a nuclear blast
>Everything and everyp0ny around you is engulfed in a huge explosive, radiating blast of energy
>The sound is tremendous, deafening, and frightening
>Rocks and cliffs are destroyed, a crater is created from below you, and the entire town is destroyed

>You stand in a wasteland
>No sign or hint of a town ever being around you is left
>It smolders viciously
>And you pant, over and over, the rage slowly starting to leave you
>But you’re still so pissed off
>…from a stream not too far away, a yellow p0ny pokes her head up, gasping for air
>She opens her eyes and looks at the environment around her
>”…oh my…”
>She takes to the air, and flutters slowly over to you
>You hardly take notice, and don’t even acknowledge her
>”D-Did you do this…?”
>You don’t answer
>”…Anon… that’s you, right?”
>No answer still
>She looks at your new form
>Your sexy looking red fur
>Your protruding muscles
>Your strong and flexible looking tail
>The red around your eyes
>That glorious black hair
>”H-Hey Anon…”
>Still no response
>”N-Now I guess you really do h-have a… hot monkey dick…”
>…
>”W-Would you want to give it to me…?”
>Finally, you turn to Fluttershy
>And stare at her
>She’s smiling a bashful smile
>She smiles it even wider, a squeeing noise escaping her
>…
>You charge up a kick and punt her, as hard as you can, straight into the air
>She launches up with the speed on a thousand Rainbow Dashes
FUCK YOU FLUTTERSHY!!

The End

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