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Carrot's Clop

By: Shockblock99 on Nov 7th, 2011 | syntax: None | size: 4.01 KB | hits: 151 | expires: Never

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I guess I gravitate towards the short easy fics. Hmph. So, some things I think would help improve the fic:
"... most ponies don't EVEN know that... " This helps emphazize the path's importance to the POVy(POV Pony) as well as Carrot's overlooked nature.
"You sneakily ... shout 'BOO!'" This sentence is rushed because it combines three separate actions. Decompress and put in some detail to draw the reader in.
"To say that Carrot Top ... orange earth pony." These sentances seem a bit out of place because they switches tense from a 2nd-person-present to a 3rd-person-past. Rewrite for same effect and smoother reading. For some reason 'choking on a pony-shaped dust cloud' pops into my head.
"Yes, you do ... to the chest." 'You can still feel the tender spot from where Carrot's hooves struck you forcefully.' You don't need to restate where Carrot bucked POVy, and remembering is pretty well inferred.
"That's some nice ... have there." Woooow. Subtle. And a humorous way to introduce sexual tension.
"... and she soon joins you." Maybe it's because there's physical distance between the two, but I had to think about what Carrot joined.
"You can tell ... down her forehead.'" These two lines in quick succession are redundant and the first one is a hard factual statement. Perhaps a more intuitive statement, like POVy recognizing Carrot's 'tell', would work better.
"'Fine. I think ... close to the ground." This doesn't feel like a big reveal. After all, friendship, which the whole series is centered around, is anchored in liking your friends. A 'no-I-LIKE-like-you' line would work better.
GETTIN TO THE FAP-FODDER AWWWIGHT
"Before you allow her to respond..." Doesn't flow well in context. Consider replacing with 'Before she can respond...'
"You make a mental note..." Drop mental; it's implied.
"The luscious orange ... away from you." Correction: 'The luscious orange mare continues to stand awkwardly, rooted to the spot two feet away from you.' Personally, I think you should drop 'two feet away from you'. It's unneeded.
"You push the ... decided to make." Wasn't the crate already on the floor? And that line was delivered oddly.
"Without thinking..." Cloppy over there was right, this doesn't make sense.
"Carrot Top happily ... into your ear." In order for her to have her mouth by POVy's ear, POVy would have moved on to necking instead of kissing the chin. A quick mention could fix that image.
"You stop your advance as you notice that you have arrived at your destination." Yes, it is sudden. The reader also doesn't whether the destination is crotch or boobs. Decompress and clarify.
"You continue ... soaking wet pussy." Yeah, looking through your fic, it seems that all the porn is compressed and non-sensual. Try to add in action and detail. Especially SENSORY detail.
"...her awaiting vagina." 'Vagina' and 'penis' are anatomical terms. Use slang and euphamisms like 'slit' or 'rod' instead.
"You run your ... wet clit." Imagine a big pony head buried in some pussy. Now imagine a hoof coming from above and 'fondling' the clit. That's an awkward position. I'd recommend some other erogenous zone like, say, the cutie mark or the breasts. Anything is fine.
"As the gears ... in anticipation." A sudden leap into Carrot's head make this seem disjointed. Use a different way of indicating thought or hesitation.
"That's it--her ... new lover's face." I can accept that they both squirt, but why would Carrot's orgasm make POVy orgasm?
"You can taste ... care less." You just went Ass-to-Mouth. You never go Ass-to-Mouth. Lots of people find AtM squicky, so I'd change it.
"You can tell you are going to be happy together." Uhh, why? Relationship building is important!
GENERAL CRITIQUE
'Plot' and 'plot-hole' are, I suppose, euphemisms, but it's still weird to read about that. Try using synonyms like flank, thigh, or ass.
Very short leadup and cooldown to the sex and not much emotion besides lust. Not very romantic. Try to develop their relationship before or after the sex.
You CAN write! Just not at a high level. Practice, and try some more.

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I guess I gravitate towards the short easy fics. Hmph. So, some things I think would help improve the fic:
"... most ponies don't EVEN know that... " This helps emphazize the path's importance to the POVy(POV Pony) as well as Carrot's overlooked nature.
"You sneakily ... shout 'BOO!'" This sentence is rushed because it combines three separate actions. Decompress and put in some detail to draw the reader in.
"To say that Carrot Top ... orange earth pony." These sentances seem a bit out of place because they switches tense from a 2nd-person-present to a 3rd-person-past. Rewrite for same effect and smoother reading. For some reason 'choking on a pony-shaped dust cloud' pops into my head.
"Yes, you do ... to the chest." 'You can still feel the tender spot from where Carrot's hooves struck you forcefully.' You don't need to restate where Carrot bucked POVy, and remembering is pretty well inferred.
"That's some nice ... have there." Woooow. Subtle. And a humorous way to introduce sexual tension.
"... and she soon joins you." Maybe it's because there's physical distance between the two, but I had to think about what Carrot joined.
"You can tell ... down her forehead.'" These two lines in quick succession are redundant and the first one is a hard factual statement. Perhaps a more intuitive statement, like POVy recognizing Carrot's 'tell', would work better.
"'Fine. I think ... close to the ground." This doesn't feel like a big reveal. After all, friendship, which the whole series is centered around, is anchored in liking your friends. A 'no-I-LIKE-like-you' line would work better. 

GETTIN TO THE FAP-FODDER AWWWIGHT

"Before you allow her to respond..." Doesn't flow well in context. Consider replacing with 'Before she can respond...'
"You make a mental note..." Drop mental; it's implied.
"The luscious orange ... away from you." Correction: 'The luscious orange mare continues to stand awkwardly, rooted to the spot two feet away from you.' Personally, I think you should drop 'two feet away from you'. It's unneeded.
"You push the ... decided to make." Wasn't the crate already on the floor? And that line was delivered oddly.
"Without thinking..." Cloppy over there was right, this doesn't make sense.
"Carrot Top happily ... into your ear." In order for her to have her mouth by POVy's ear, POVy would have moved on to necking instead of kissing the chin. A quick mention could fix that image.
"You stop your advance as you notice that you have arrived at your destination." Yes, it is sudden. The reader also doesn't whether the destination is crotch or boobs. Decompress and clarify.
"You continue ... soaking wet pussy." Yeah, looking through your fic, it seems that all the porn is compressed and non-sensual. Try to add in action and detail. Especially SENSORY detail.
"...her awaiting vagina." 'Vagina' and 'penis' are anatomical terms. Use slang and euphamisms like 'slit' or 'rod' instead.
"You run your ... wet clit." Imagine a big pony head buried in some pussy. Now imagine a hoof coming from above and 'fondling' the clit. That's an awkward position. I'd recommend some other erogenous zone like, say, the cutie mark or the breasts. Anything is fine.
"As the gears ... in anticipation." A sudden leap into Carrot's head make this seem disjointed. Use a different way of indicating thought or hesitation.
"That's it--her ... new lover's face." I can accept that they both squirt, but why would Carrot's orgasm make POVy orgasm? 
"You can taste ... care less." You just went Ass-to-Mouth. You never go Ass-to-Mouth. Lots of people find AtM squicky, so I'd change it.
"You can tell you are going to be happy together." Uhh, why? Relationship building is important!

GENERAL CRITIQUE
'Plot' and 'plot-hole' are, I suppose, euphemisms, but it's still weird to read about that. Try using synonyms like flank, thigh, or ass.
Very short leadup and cooldown to the sex and not much emotion besides lust. Not very romantic. Try to develop their relationship before or after the sex.
You CAN write! Just not at a high level. Practice, and try some more.

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