Shepard Anon Chapter 1 -Updated for my own Amusement-

>You are Anonymous

>And today, much like every day, you are enjoying Mass Effect

>Specifically the second game, as you are still awaiting the release of the third

>You save and quit to your desktop,  having finished the credits for the 248th time

>You decided it would be a full renegade run with no romance, and that your next would be more paragon with... well, someone

>There is a Mass Effect 3 icon on your desktop, but you don't notice it, as you have chosen not to acknowledge its existence

>You stand up from your chair in your room, filled with Mass Effect merchandise, art, fan-made items, and general swag

>You are wearing full custom battle-worn N-7 armor as heavy as it is, it's battle-ready,  you went all out buying it

>A replica Avenger assault rifle is at your side, along with a Predator pistol

>You return them to their respective wall mounts

>You won't be needing them, because you're going to make a cake to celebrate your 248th run of Mass Effect 2

>You step out of your room, and your eyes are assaulted with a painfully bright white light

>You open your eyes a short time later to find yourself on the floor of a pastel kitchen. It's small, almost as if it had been designed for people significantly shorter than you

>You manage to stand up, but your head is closer to the ceiling than you're used to

>Before you have a chance to question things any further, a small pink pony with curly pink hair enters the room

>Something inside you breaks then and there, and you have no idea where you are

>Or who you are for that matter

>The pink horse opens its' mouth and asks you the hardest question you can ever remember being asked

>"Ooooh~ Who are you?!"

>Memories flash through your mind, you remember faces and voices, actions, you remember places, whole worlds even

>You are Commander John Shepard

>You remove your helmet, the HUD was down for some reason

>The pink creature in front of you looks at you expectantly

"My name is...

>Renegade Interrupt

>You pick up the pink pony quickly, lifting in the air

>"Ooh~! Are we playing a game?"

>You swing it around and toss it (her?) On a nearby counter, various bowls and cooking implements clatter to the floor

>It giggles

I'm going to ask you a few questions first

>You reach to your hip, only to find your pistol missing

>A quick check shows the rest of your weapons are also missing, along with your omnitool

>You were beginning to regret not having biotics

>You do your best to intimidate the creature anyways, looming over it

Ok, where are we?

>It looks up at you with huge blue eyes,then smiles

>"We're in Sugarcube Corner! You're going to have to try harder than that to stump me!"

>It thinks you're playing a game

>So much for intimidation

>It could be a child

>You feel a little guilty and back up a bit

>It rolls over, now standing on the counter in front of you

Ok, Sugarcube Corner... Well, who are you then?

"I'm Pinkamina Dianne Pie!" she says proudly, puffing up her chest, then continues, "But you can call me Pinkie Pie."

>She extends one of her arms (hooves?)

>Paragon Interrupt

>She can't be too dangerous

>You extend your hand and grab her appendage, helping her back up on her... hooves, you guess?

I only have a few more questions, OK?

>"Okie Dokie Lokie"

First of all, have you seen my ship? The Normandy? SR-2?

>"Nope"

Have you seen any of my gear?

>"Not at all"

Do you have any idea how I got here?

>"Nope-a-roony"

>Well, you're fucked

>No contact with any familiar form of life

>No weapons

>No tools or tech

>Only the vaguest idea of where you are..

>No pl-

>"Oh! You never told me your name!" Pinkie chimes in

>Right

>...

>There doesn't seem to be any reason *not* to trust her...

I'm Alliance Commander John Shepard

>"Nice ta meet'cha, Sheppy!" Pinkie Pie exclaims, grabbing your hand with both her front hands (Hooves? Tentacles? Whatever, appendages.), shaking it up and down vigorously

>'Sheppy'? And how is she doing that with those... hoof things?

"OK, look, Pinkie Pie, it's nice to meet you too," you begin when she finally releases your hand, "but I need to get on a ship and go back to the Citadel "

>"Leave? Already? But you just got here..."

>She almost visibly deflates, then suddenly perks up again

>"Ooh! What's the Citadel? Are there parties there? Can I go with you?"

>You're not sure how to respond.

>She doesn't know what the Citadel is.

>You may to have fallen on to a planet without space travel

>You really want to be back on the Normandy right now

>You hope it's still in one piece

> Not to mention your crew

>You managed to survive...whatever it was that happened, without getting hurt

>They're not exactly lightweights either, well, except Tali

>And Joker

>And Mordin

>Thane always seemed kind of squi-

>"Well, are you going to take me to a Citadel party? Is it fun there? Can I bring my party cannon?"

>You don't have time to explain the Citadel to Pinkie

>Your crew could be in danger

"We'll see about that, Pinkie," You answer, trying your best at a non-committal answer

>You take a longer look around and see what you think is a back door

"It was nice meeting you Pinkie Pie, but I need to go find my friends now, ok?"

>You turn towards the exit

>Pinkie Pie jumps in front of you, now standing on her rear hooves, her front ones outstretched

>Welp, this is how you die. She's going to reveal massive teeth and claws or something and eat you

>You fought Reapers, Geth, Slavers, Mercs, and just about anything that stood in your way

>And now you're going to be killed by Pinkie Pie

>If she doesn't eat you now, she'll end up keeping you in this 'Sugarcube Corner' until she's done torturing you

>You don't have much time to react, but manage to jump backwards as her mouth opens

>"Your friends are missing? How awful!" She cries out

>"Don't you worry, Sheppy, I'll help you find them!"

>She poses dramatically before grabbing you by the hand and dragging you out the door

>wat

>You offer little resistance, walking along behind her in a daze, her hoof still holding your hand

>Nothing about this situation makes sense

>Her hoof is flat, isn't it?

>And you can tell she's pretty strong, she could probably take you there if you stopped walking

>Where was she taking you anyways? She doesn't even know what your crew looks like

>Where the hell even are you?

>Well, at any rate, you suppose you overreacted earlier

>Pinkie Pie wouldn't kill you

>At least, you don't think so

>With any luck, the rest of the creatures here are just as friendly

>Are they all like her?

>Maybe they vary dramatically

>Or maybe they're all pink?

>Why do they look so much like horses from back on Earth?

>As you continue asking yourself questions, Pinkie leads you down a small alleyway

>You emerge in the middle of some sort of street market

>The market is filled with similar creatures, the same as Pinkie Pie, you assume

>They're brightly colored, and you can't seem to find any color that's dominant

>But, they all seem to be roughly the size and shape of your current guide, so they're probably the same species

>They walk about, looking at and haggling over the goods sold by the various merchants

>The whole market feels alive with conversation and an occasional laugh

>It reminds you somewhat of the Citadel

>Suddenly, the market falls silent

>You stop and look around

>All eyes are on you

>Pinkie Pie notices this and stops

>"OH SWEET CELESTIA!" Cries one of them, pointing at you

>The market erupts in to chaos

>"WHAT IS THAT THING?" "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" "HAVE MERCY!" They shout, bumping in to each other and knocking over stalls in their attempt to flee

>You notice some are flying on wings you hadn't noticed before

>"IT'S GOT PINKIE PIE!" One shouts before running in to the alleyway you emerged from

>Among the screams of the few ponies still fleeing the market, you hear a whooshing noise

>"AH'MA COMING FOR YA, PINKIE!" An orange creature in a hat shouts, lowering it's head and charging at you

>"LET HER GO!" Shouts another voice above you

>You look up just in time to see a cyan creature descending upon you, its' 'hoof' headed straight for your face