'Up Yours, So Edgy' - Chap. 1 -

>Another day rises in the glorious republic of 'FuckThisTownAndMyLife'

>Be you, a young adult that is supposed to be in college right now, but instead is working more than 40 hours per week to save up for the next semester in the college you decided to transfer to

>All alone you wake up on a sheetless bed, feeling the prickles of the ragged cloth against your skin, while a cellphone alarm blares in your ears with the most corny cellphone tone in its default library

"Mmmph... Fuck you alarm clock, I wanna sleep more."

>After the alarm cycles a few times on your cellphone, you finally sit up and rub the sleepies out of your eyes

>*yaaaaawn*

"Fuckin' fine... If you want me to get up so much then I will..."

>You turn off the alarm setting on your phone and get out of bed, with only your underwear on

>Brrrr. It is very cold in the room, because you forgot to turn on your heater... again.

>You walk over as fast as you can to your clothes basket, grab your work uniform and towel, then walk as fast as you can to the bathroom

>Pre-shower ritual of using the toilet, undressing, and looking at yourself in the mirror to see if you hopefully look any better this morning compared to last night

>You enter the shower and let the sweet relief of hot shower water warm your entire being and wake you up completely

>Look down

"Why hello there lil' guy. So you know the drill by now, you stand at attention while I teach you how much a man can love himself."

>Your great national flagpole is erect and ready to serve his country proudly. As soon as you get the conditioner, you commence beating him harder than the Spetsnaz were beaten during their special training; can't have your little soldier lose to any Commie scum

>As you are jerking it, you realize you just can't get off without thinking of HUUUURRRRSES or DOGES; you want to change the zoophiliac part of you but you just can't... I mean a man likes what a man likes

>Your member immediately goes numb and starts to go a bit limp as your mind wanders past the initial porn thoughts and more onto work

>Oh fuck! Not today you don't!

"I-It's not doing it! The enemy is advancing upon our territory, but my gun is jammed! It won't fucking fire!"

>A picture of Futashy fucking your ass pops into your mind

>THERE WE ARE

>You immediately release all over the shower floor, marking your territory so that bitches know who is king of this shower

"Ah fuck... Better clean that up..."

>You pour a mixture of soap, body wash, and shampoo on the shower floor and wash your patriotism away and then immediately go back to washing yourself

>Once the shower is done and you feel like you can take on the world, you go back to your computer and waste time on random sites and /mlp/ until the time comes where you have to work

>As your time to go back to the hell hole known as work approaches, you hear an eerily familiar voice echoing from seemingly everywhere

>"Nice home you got here, by the way your method of washing your shower is quite unsatisfactory, I can smell it from here"

>Wait a second, I know this fucking voice

"John De Lancie? Is that you? Are you God?"

>The thought of one of your favorite voice actors/actors being God and watching you jerk off both arouses and creeps you out

"I will be completely honest, I do not know if want."

>The voice just breaks out into an uncontrollable laughter

>"Try again Anon. Surely in this world I am considered a fictional character voiced by John, but that is not who I am"

"Ummm... Q?"

>"Oh for Celestia's-sake."

>As the voice ends his sentence you feel a tap on your shoulder and a large shadow looms over you

>You immediately turn around to see a huge, pastel colored, 2-Dimensional seeming draconicus face smiling with half lidded eyes right in your face

>"You are not a very intelligent human are you?"

>With a face so close to you, your habit from your High School days of fucking with people, and your complete mind-fuck of what is currently going on you take the following actions: stare at the draconicus completely blank minded for a second, give him a quick peck on the lips, and turn around and immediately say "Nope."

>Though you can't see the draconicus behind you he is obviously frozen, probably from the disbelief in how you handled his sudden appearance

>You pinch yourself on the cheek and turn around before seeing the draconicus again, giving a slightly different half lidded smile to you than he originally had on

"So. I am guessing you are Discord."

>The draconicus gives a silly and over exaggerated bow before looking back up to you with a huge goofy smile

>"The one and only."

>You continue to look at him with the only thing going around in your head being the words 'fuck' and 'what' swirling in your head

"And I am guessing I am not dreaming."

>Discord walks over to you, towering over your sitting position before grabbing your shoulder and lifting you up

>All of the sudden your ear feels extremely wet and disgusting, you look to your side to see a mini-Discord on your shoulder with a huge finger in your ear giving you the nastiest feeling wet willy you have felt in your entire life

>"Well I don't know, if you are then you have the weirdest and most real feeling dreams."

>After silently cringing you look at the giant draconicus holding you in the air with only two hands on your shoulders and say

"Well, I am not sure if I am terrified or filled with extreme joy, so I will let you decide for me. Why are you here? And more important, HOW ARE YOU HERE?"

>Discord immediately breaks into a laughing fit when you finally showed an extreme emotion during that last sentence

>You all of the sudden teleport onto your bed. A few seconds after you hit the mattress, everything around you shifts into a demented version of what it was; either you become much smaller or everything else becomes much larger, the walls turn purple and start shifting patterns, colors get reversed on random objects in no particular order forcing your OCD to hurt immensely, and a giant Discord pops up from the edge of your mattress and looks down at you

>"Oh Anon. You are a lucky one, I have been observing you for quite a while. I find you to be the most amusing human I have observed thus far. The fact you live in such a drab environment and are forced to do the same thing day in and day out really does not please me though. You have so much potential for so much fun, but you are forced to follow such menial tasks and abide by such annoying strict codes. I have decided that I want to free you of the burden of your life and responsibilities here and give you a new life in a land you are very familiar with, a land that can help nurture and grow your 'Oh So Fun' nature I have found within you. Oh, and to answer HOW I am here, no dimension is without its disharmony and discord."

>You look at the huge snake/dragon/pony/goat/etc. thing and give him a look as if you are about to unwrap an extremely large present on Christmas day

"Are you sending me to the fictional land of Equestria?"

>Discord looks up and laughs for a few moments, disappears and his voice is spread around again

>"So you aren't as dumb as I was thinking you were. Yes, I am going to send you to Equestria, Ponyville to be exact. You can start up a new life there and do practically whatever you want. As an added bonus, you shall have my protection for the first few days, but then you are on your own."

>You feel like screaming in joy to this turn of events, but then remember your loved ones

"But what about my life here? I will be completely honest, I will miss my family and friends and I am sure my mother's heart would be broken by my sudden disappearance."

>"Oh Anon, you should know that life is full of sacrifices. If you want to go to the dreamland you have desperately seeked for so long, a price must be payed. I will erase the memory of your family and friends, your records, and any imprint on this world that you may have left so that it will be as if you never existed here. Your memories will stay though, because I want you in your current natural state when I send you off to Equestria. In return you get to leave your boring and mundane life behind you. You can have adventures and do all sorts of things you could never do here. Sound like a deal, Anon?"

>You sit there in silence for a minute or two while thinking on your choice. On one hand, you don't want to leave everyone you have ever loved behind and you know that you are terrified of huge changes like this without a familiar face there to help comfort you. On the other hand, your life could be changed forever in a positive way and you could finally live happily in a land that will accept you for who you are. Also it will be legal to have 'dat plot while you are there.

>After waiting a few minutes in a distorted version of your bedroom, you look up at the pudding covered ceiling and say

"It is a deal. BUT!... Only if you send me to Ponyville around the events of the seasons I have finished watching; season 3."

>Discord's laugh can be heard echoing the entire massive and ever-changing room

>"Oh Anon, because no more has been written or broadcasted yet, that is actually the timeline I am coming from to you with, so that should not be a problem."

>A feeling of dread mixed with excitement comes over you

"Then let's get going to that technicolor pony land. I don't want to go to work today anyways."

>In a mocking voice you hear Discord chuckle slightly and say

>"Oh, but Anon. You already are in Equestria."

>Immediately the walls around your room fall over and disappear, the ceiling explodes into miniature flying frogs and rains down black and white melting flowers which seep into the ground, and you are not sitting on your massive version of a bed anymore but right in the middle of a town square on a patch of grass

>You look around for a second to take in the sight of a cartoon-y colored world, in which you see a bunch of frozen-in-place ponies staring at you, all obviously interrupted from their daily happenings to stare at the sudden creature that appeared in their town

>Still trying to take in all of what is currently happening, you continue to look around for a few seconds, then decide to try and introduce yourself to the inhabitants of the land you just invaded

"Umm.. Hi."

>As soon as you speak, all of the ponies immediately start screaming and scramble around in panic, getting inside of straw-roofed houses and hiding behind various large objects far away from you

>You sit there in silence as you see a crying filly get dragged away by her mother as she wets the ground under her, obviously extremely scared of both you and the reaction everypony had of you

>Silence emanates from the town around you as you continue to sit in the middle of the town silently

>You get up and brush yourself off and start to look around the town to confirm you are at where you think you are

"Yep... So that just happened."

>You immediately start yelling around

"Umm.. Hello?! I am not a monster or anything, I mean no harm."

>The town does not respond at all as you continue to shout the same line a few times at them, trying to get a proper guide to how to start in this new world

>You don't notice one of the ponies, a purple Earth pony with 3 flowers smiling for a cutie mark, who was originally scared off by your sudden appearance start to approach you cautiously

>'Well, rejected right from the get go. This is gonna be a real pain in the ass to try and sort out ain't it?' you think as you flop onto your back and look up at the sky

"DISCORD! IF YOU ARE THERE, A LITTLE HELP WOULD BE APPRECIATED FOR GETTING STARTED HERE!"

>As the purple pony hears you screaming to Discord, she immediately runs off again, this time for good reason; you were screaming to the bringer of mischief and disharmony to help you after all

>You sit up and turn around to see the pony running off, being able to recognize her from her cutie mark you scream to her

"CHEERILIE! IT IS OKAY! I AM NOT A THREAT! COME BACK HERE!"

>As you scream the purple pony's name she looks back at you while running for a second, then picks up the pace, scared even further that a random creature that appeared, that was speaking to Discord, somehow knew her name and wanted to get a hold of her

"Fucking... Le sigh."

>You exclaim your sigh audibly trying to be as sarcastic as possible with the "Le"

>As soon as you do the ironic sighing noise you fall onto your back and look back up in the sky to see a big arrow made of pink looking clouds in the sky pointing behind where you were initially sitting

>You sit up again and look towards where the arrow in the sky is pointing to see a giant tree with windows

"Oh my god... That is a fucking wonderful idea Discord. If anyone can help me get started around here, it would be Purplesmart."

>You jump up onto your feet like your brother used to do, by rolling on your back backwards then flipping forward onto your feet, making you feel like a total ninja

>Once you get on your feet you look around to see if any of the ponies from before had the balls to come out and give you the greeting you feel you so rightly deserve

>Nope.jpg

"Fuckin' fine... All of you stay inside your houses and shit. I will go and get the pony you all most respect that lives in this town to vouch for me. Then you will all have to trust me, lest you want to get stuck in purplesmart's dungeon of experimentation!"

>You start walking towards the giant tree library, extremely excited to see the first of all of the ponies you will soon make best friends with

 

*TO BE CONTINUED*