The Crossest Man in Equestria 5 (Part i)

>You are still Stargaze, former member of the Royal Council.

>Now an errand runner for Anon the human, a.k.a Scary McDeath, who is helping Mayor Mare win her re-election campaign in Ponyville.

>Oh, and Princess Celestia wants you to turn him into something halfway decent.

>It’s been a weird couple of days.

>And right now things are getting even worse

>Anon wanted you to go talk to the most influential ponies on town, to try and set up some early alliances.

>The good news was that you found almost all of them at once, in a library that was also a tree.

>The bad news...

>”I can’t believe he’s here! Urgh, this is terrible.” said Twilight Sparkle.

>As it turns out, the personal protégé to the Princess had already met Anon.

>This was, obviously, a bad thing.

>But you had to try.

>”He’s…changed! Really! Please, he’s just…we’re just doing our jobs. We need you. The Mayor needs you. Please..?”

>You turn your pleas to the other ponies in the room; famous Fashionista Rarity, the unmistakable Rainbow Dash, and their friend Applejack.

>”Well, I’ve never had the pleasure of his company, but Twilight does make him sound a little…uncouth” says Rarity.

“>Yeah, and he sounds like a jerk!” adds Rainbow Dash. “No way are we helping that guy.”

>”I heard he called Twi some mighty nasty names. Threatened her too. How can anypony work for somepony like that?” says Applejack, shaking her head.

>You try to think of a cunning argument to change their minds.

>”Pleeeeeeease?”

>There’s a mass shaking of heads.

>“Look, we’d gladly help the Mayor with her campaign.” says Twilight. “She’s a great leader, even if she can be a little…frazzled, sometimes.”

>Success!

>”But Anon is bad news. He would only make things worse and make everypony in town feel bad.

>Oh

>”Get rid of Anon, and then we’ll help you. How does that sound?”

>They all smile and nod. It must seem like such a no-brainer to them.

“>Uh…well…”

>”Oh, come on! What is there to think about here?” asks the pegasus.

>Twilight puts a friendly hoof over your shoulder.

>”Tell you what. Go and think about it, and tell us tonight at the party. OK?”

>”Party? What party?”

>“Well, Pinkie Pie wants to throw a welcoming party for you. And it’s not like Anon would ever show up for it. We can talk about it then.”

>”Oh…well, to be honest, I think Anon wants me to do some work at the office tonight. Sorry.”

>They stare at you. Rainbow Dash hovers nervously.

>”Uh…you really don’t wanna skip out on this. Anon not coming is bad enough, but if neither of you two show, she’d flip out.”

>They nod solemnly.

>”Flip out?”

>”Trust us on this one.”

>”’sides, you can’t just let that big human boss you round like that. Stand up for yourself a little.” says Applejack.

>You think it over.

>“Well…I’ll…try?”

>They accept this, and you part ways.

>Ok, so that didn’t go quite as you planned

>In fact it went the exact opposite; instead of helping Anon, you might have just kind of made things harder for him.

>As you walk back to the Mayor’s office, you realize what must be done.

>You must convince Anon…to go to a party.

>Celestia help you.

>You enter the Town Hall. The old receptionist is still there. He is asleep.

>There is a note taped to his face. You peel it off.

“We’re sleeping here. Top floor, second door. I’m across from you. Come see me. Anon.”

>You were hoping for a house, or at least a proper hotel. Oh well.

>When you find his room, you knock. He tells you to come in.

>It’s surprisingly roomy, at least to you. It doesn’t seem to have been fitted for a human though.

>Anon is still fully dressed. There’s a cold cup of coffee by his bedside.

“Welcome back to Fawlty Towers, Manuel. What have you got for me? Did you find them ok?”

>Well, time to somehow get the world’s grumpiest sentient being to go to a party with ponies who hate him.

>This is going to be a little tricky. It would be easier to drink a rock though a straw.

>”…I talked to them, yes.”

>Well, most of them. You couldn’t even find a mail building.

“And?”

>How to put this.

>“Well…Twilight Sparkle was a little apprehensive.”

“Aye, I thought that. I met her a couple times, the stuck up cow. I’m amazed she’s living here in Pleasantville instead of in a castle made of fucking books and ivory.”

>He rolls his eyes.

”I take it the others weren’t exactly on board with me either?”

>”No. I’m sorry, I did the best I could-“

“I know. I was prepared for this.”

>”Really?”

>You don’t like the way he’s smiling. He waggles his eyebrows knowingly.

 “Remember that pink spastic thing that was talking about parties? See, turns out she’s got something of a reputation for parties. And she just so happens to be friends with the others on that list I gave you…”

>You can’t believe this.

>”So…are you saying we should…”

“Aye. We’re going. It’s the perfect cover.”

>Praise the sun

>”Wow, that’s a great idea!” you say. “When are we going?”

”Later. It’s still early. Fashionably late, and all that shite. Oh, and one rule: No drinking. I need you sober for this.”

>Awww

>”I understand”

“Good girl. In the meantime…”

>He hands you what some would call a buttload of papers.

“Read these. Then read them again. I’ll be quizzing you later.”

>You leave, enter your own room, lie down on your bed, and start to read.

>It’s mostly profiles on high-profile figures, adorned with the strange, unreadable scribbles Anon had penciled in. He must have been doing some research while you were out.

>Mayor Mare, Filthy Rich, Twilight Sparkle…so much to learn…

>You read it all.

>The sun starts to set. You think about tonight.

>Anon is planning something. He’s not told you what, but you know it.

>Twilight wants you to help her. What will she do when she sees Anon tonight?

>What will you do?

>There is a knock on the door.

“Wakey wakey. Time to party.”

>You open the door. Anon is, to your amazement, dressed in a slightly different looking suit; grey instead of black.

>He poses, arms stretched.

“Taa daa.”

>It raises a smile.

>”Shall we?”

>You leave the Town hall.