One Star Review

>It was another slow day of gardening.

>Digging the small trowel into the soft Equestrian soil, you continue shoveling at the ground to plant your money tree.

>If the shit worked in Animal Crossing, why not here?

>Deeper and deeper you dig, making sure there is plenty of room for the tree to grow.

>Looking around, you slap yourself for your ignorance.

>You forgot the bag of bits inside your house.

>Dropping the trowel, you head towards the house when a strange burning spreads across your legs.

>Lifting your pant legs up, you look in horror as a few dozen fire ants crawl about your legs.

>Swatting them off, you step on the few survivors out of spite before going inside.

“Fucking ants! I swear, when I become supreme overlord of the world, anything with more than four legs will be executed!”

>Heading upstairs, you turn on the cold shower and run your legs under it.

>Dear God did it feel good!

>A sudden knocking at your front door breaks your peaceful little moment.

“Who is it?” you scream from the bathroom.

>... No response.

>Shutting the water off, you curse under your breath as you make your way down the stairs.

>Winging the door open with a mighty force, you look outside and see no one.

“I swear on the holy shit of Je- Oh!”

>You look down and see a small glowing package labeled ‘To: Anon | From: Amahooves.colt’.

>ITS WAS HERE!

>Grabbing the package, you head back into the your home and slam the door behind you.

>Ripping open the box, you remove its contents.

>The Uranium ore sample you ordered a week ago was finally here!

>Taking the package, you place inside your cabinet.

>Your plan was now going perfectly.

>But to carry out this plan, you had to be sneakier than Sam Fisher himself.

>Reaching into your closet, you grab your trusty rock outfit that you made out of styrofoam and plastic Prof. Pony bottles.

>Sprinting out of your house like a retarded cheetah, you head over to none other than Fluttershy’s house.

>Slowly, you waddle your way toward the pond in hopes of not being spotted.

>As you approach it, Fluttershy exits her home, staring directly at you with a worried look on her face.

>“Um, Anon? Why are you dressed up like a different human?”

>You rip off the disguise and look at it again.

>Dammit! You grabbed the wrong rock outfit!

>This was your Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson outfit!

>Wait a second... You just took off your disguise.

>SHIT.

>Grabbing the disguise, you throw it at her screaming at the top of your lungs:

“CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?!”

>Fluttershy screams as the giant wrestling figure collides with her.

>You quickly jump into the pond and grab four terrapins.

>As you jump out, you sprint towards Fluttershy’s house.

“PEOPLE’S ELBOW!” you bellow as you slam into her door.

>You needed a rhino and warthog for this plan to be complete.

>Looking around, you can’t seem to find them anywhere.

>A small rat runs up to you, shaking it’s little fist in the air for the intrusion.

“You’ll just have to do,” you whisper, grabbing it by the tail.

>Making your way out, you begin running for home, but not before screaming out at a completely dazed and confused Fluttershy,

“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO YOU ARE!”

>As you approach your humble abode, you open the door and quickly shut it behind you.

>IT WAS TIME.

>There was no time for flukes or gimmicks now.

>Taking the animals in hand, you place them inside of a plastic tubberware container and reach into cabinet for your Uranium.

>Using a pestle and mortar, you crush the chuck of ore into a fine powder before placing it into a bowl of water.

>Carefully mixing it, you lay the complete concoction down on your coffee table and move your living room furniture around.

>Grabbing a tarp from the closet, you lay it down across the floor and pour the mixture onto it.

>FINALLY.

>Reaching for the tubberware container, you dump the confused creature and jump onto the tarp.

____________________________________

>Three days and a few hefty fines later, you begin to write your letter to the Amahooves.colt reviewers federation.

“Do not be fooled by this product. I bought this along with four terrapins and a rat (since I couldn’t lay my hands on a warthog and a rhino). I rubbed this product into my skin and gums then rolled around with the terrapins and the rat. Long story short I did NOT end up with my own crime-fighting mutant superhero team. The rat bit me and I crushed the terrapins. Also I now have a strange rash and I’m coughing up blood, what’s up with that? I give it one star out of five.”

>Letting out a disgruntled sigh, you seal the letter and place it in your mailbox.

>You had also learned that day that Uranium did not make a good ant killer.

>It just made them bigger.

>The good thing about their growth, however, was that it made them slower, giving you enough time to beat them to death with your shovel.

>But, alas, the garbage ponies refused to take the carcasses along with your weekly refuse.

>This week was just disappointing.