| MetalHooves #137251 1 year ago |
First off, header art by awesome artist Spitfire.
Second, yes, I know, the format is unholy. This was very experimental for me. Longest fic yet, plus custom header art, PLUS a new theme... Hope this works. Thirdly, I know this is gonna cause controversy; I wanna hear opinions. But keep in mind, love and tolerance, everypony. Be open-minded. That being said, I hope you all enjoy this. IDK what to do next... Maybe a short one with Trixie or Rose or Octavia or Spitfire... I'll figure it out. |
| Anonymous #137266 1 year ago |
at first i was like :D
and then i saw story and i was :D but then i looked ahead a little, then a little more and did this :D :) :| :( D: D:< in other words wtl;dnr |
| Anonymous #137269 1 year ago |
So...your Writer's Block is cured for now? |
| feather #137273 1 year ago |
grats on getting something written, MH.
you'll forgive me if I don't read it. |
| MetalHooves #137275 1 year ago |
anon2, I'm in remission. :P |
| MassiveSelection #137293 1 year ago |
anyone got the link to the header art? |
| Anonymous #137297 1 year ago |
I find it hilarious that one of the biggest turn ons for Lyra is the way this guys sits. All in all, I think you took a risk here with the length and subject matter but I think it really paid off. This is very good |
| Anonymous #137314 1 year ago |
haha this would have been weird if it were any other Pony
oh Lyra~ what are we going to do with you it was pretty good |
| MetalHooves #137327 1 year ago |
The header art is custom for the fic; I don't think Spitfire posted it anywhere else. |
| your_waifu #137342 1 year ago |
hey mh was the tiny bit of feedback i gave on the pinkamena story usefully in any way at all? do you remember it? do you even know who I am......
i mean, if it was i'll read this and do it again, but otherwise i'm still not into ponies that way and it's pretty long VV jsyk i'm not just some dude, i've been writing forever and i've been to a ton of workshop courses at the uot. you'd never know from my posts here because capital letters and punctuation are boring. so idk up to you but i'm not going to read it unless you think i can help |
| PowerWordStun #137350 1 year ago |
I liked this. Most of it's just because I like Lyra, but I thought it was a very sweet story, and I like how you made it a risky process for the characters instead of just a matter of "unicorns doing their thing". The Princess' involvement was also a favorite part of mine.
I also like the header picture you got drawrd. :3 |
| MetalHooves #137374 1 year ago |
^^ I did try, if it means anything. Not sure I succeeded. XD |
| Anonymous #137394 1 year ago |
Hey are you gonna continue the cheerlie fic? |
| your_waifu #137396 1 year ago |
i forgot what i even said hold on
okay yeah. i'll read it then. i will be distracted more than once so this may take a while |
| MetalHooves #137437 1 year ago |
^^ No. The Cheerilee fic was a crime against literature. I'm kinda glad it got canned. XD |
| Anonymous #137439 1 year ago |
Human?
Can't clop to this. |
| MetalHooves #137451 1 year ago |
Then just clop to the pony part? XD |
| Anonymous #137490 1 year ago |
Long time reader, (for some reason too coward to make an account as of yet!) just saying keep on doing what you're doing! I love it! ^^ |
| MetalHooves #137516 1 year ago |
^ If you had an account, you could fave all my stuff. ;) |
| artemis3120 #137680 1 year ago |
As much as I usually hate these, I have to say I absolutely loved this. Wish I'd thought of it first! ^^; |
| Captain_Carnation #137718 1 year ago |
With all of your stories being written in second-person narrative, I'm finding it a little difficult to separate this from everything that has come before. Which, in turn, makes me feel as if "you," or the reader, is cheating on Derpy/Gilda (whichever ending one happens to go by). It's definitely well-written, as always, but I don't know... it's emotional attachment to prior work that's detracting from this one, even if it is apocryphal to the main storyline. |
| your_waifu #137929 1 year ago |
oh hey im back
Oh boy. I might have over did it. I got into it, the work. I haven’t workshopped a story in forever. It was fun. Nice to actually work my mind instead of drinking myself to death. I gave this the same treatment I would give classmates story on their day. I treated it like a short story. I don’t know why I felt like attempting to help a complete stranger on the internet, but whatever. So prepare for the most pointlessly efforty post on ponibooru ever. I should mention the most important things about these sorts of thing: they are unbiased. Nothing I type here is personal. You can only improve, and apparently my goal is to try and help. Any suggestion on how to directly change something (like reword a sentence) is just my own way. If I think you should change it for one reason or another you change it the way you want to. (If you want to) Alright let’s get this fucking shit going. |
| your_waifu #137931 1 year ago |
-When you want to emphasise a word, use italics instead of caps. Caps just look silly.
-Second paragraph. The word “pensively” is awkward. I’m not the kind of person who will completely dismiss adverbs ending in “ly”, they have their uses, but some people will tell you to kill all of them. In this case, I agree with the killing. You are artificially adding an emotion to the sentence that holds no weight or effect. You’re telling the reader how Lyra is feeling. It would be much more effective to show this with some kind of action. Like, she could be stirring the cup slowly (I would allow “slowly” here because it just describes an action) “She stirred the cup slowly, her mind lost in the swirling liquid as though....” (btw this is an example of me just showing you what i’d do because it’s easy to give an example) I’m not directly telling the reader how she feels. I’m showing what she’s doing in a way that implies the emotion. (or at least i tried to) Doing this takes more work, but the results are worth it (noticed more of these as the story went on “Nervously” “Blankly”) -In the paragraph after Lyra says “It’s the human” the dialogue feels iffy. The way Bonbon objects and then sanctions the act happens too fast. Five words is not a lot of time for the reader, even with two comma pauses. Expand on the idea of her coming to terms with it. -Ellipses are very rarely used and even rarely a good idea. Usually they are unnecessary and in my opinion, kind of ugly. This sentence “No, it’s...um...” is ugly. The ellipses serve to distract the reader from the flow of the narrative. Here, you could find a way to narrate Lyra struggling to speak. Same with the last sentence in the before the scene break. You want to create a little foreboding and suspense. Show that Bonbon is slightly nervous. As an example, You could even ditch the last sentence and maybe just say that she quickly looks back at her friend and frowns, then goes back to her book. That simple act says so much. It would show that she’s concerned, maybe she’s not as okay with this as she let’s on? And the reader ask, why? You want to leave the reader questioning, but here would be a great place to introduce the conflict (I’ll mention this later) (If you’re curious the only thing I can remember using ellipses were some Lovecraft stories where the narrator goes insane. During his ranting adding things like “I say” or “I pause” would take away from the effect. -Sleepily and robotically express the same action in this sentence, but also, adverbs. -“You feel a state of relaxation coming on as you think about her” is an awkward sounding sentence. Could use some rewording. But I like the rest of this paragraph. It flowed well. It was smooth. And I like the insert thinking about his life before Poniville. It adds to the character. Which is me. So, oops? -“Smiling behind your head, she nods, and you can’t help but chuckle.” Is not cool grammatically. To make sense it would need a semicolon after head. But even then it is awkward. I think it needs to be reworded. -You’re adding things like “positively” and “quite literally” to things that don’t need that kind of reassurance. Let the actions speak for themselves. -The part with Pinkie, while funny, does not serve any purpose thematically. The general guideline for a short story is that every word has to move the plot forward or contribute to the theme. -Use curved brackets instead of square ones to interject a side thought or idea. -lol magic electric lyre. That is awesome. -“in a way that makes her look almost angelic” you can cut out “almost.” Now it is a good metaphor. It has more power. The imagery is stronger. Don’t pull your punches by saying “almost” or “seems like.” You have chops. Use them. -I’m borrowing the idea that unicorns have unique smells and tastes jsyk. That’s a neat idea. It’s in my fanon now. I believe it. -The phrase “makeout session” is neither sexy nor romantic. But that’s just my opinion; you’re the expert on that. -“and, sighing inwardly, you sit up” is awkward. |
| your_waifu #137932 1 year ago |
-I don’t like the way insert rationalizes stopping the action talk to Lyra. Yeah, he’s male, I understand being male myself. But the wording seems a bit too insensitive. And it seems out of character (as much as a nameless representation of myself can have a character), if he likes Lyra as much as he says he does, then might be more interested in having a meaningful conversation. Of course I have no idea what he’s been like before so maybe it’s accurate. idk.
-You don’t need “You interrupt” before “Lyra, as weird...” When you have dialogue move back and forth like this without narrative it will appear to be a fast conversation to the reader. The “You interrupt” actually does the opposite of what you want it to do. It slows down the reader and adds a longer pause between Lyra’s words and insert’s. If you literally want insert to interrupt Lyra, physically cut her off mid sentence. “I’d be sexier to you. Just like-“ “Lyra,” you interrupt. “As weird as...” The narration comes after the beginning of the sentence so the character dialogue is the first thing the reader sees after the slash indicating she was cut off. The bit of narrative might be necessary to indicate that the character wasn’t cut off by something else. -This is adorably sweet. -I’m not convinced insert would give up trying to talk her out of it so quickly. This isn’t “I want to die my mane” or “I want my horn pierced”, it’s a bit more dramatic. -Saying “looks -emotion- “ is bad too. -AHH that’s not a transition. Stick some asterisk there. (I mean at “In the weeks that follow”) -The entire last act seemed a bit rushed. Like it went by too fast reading it. I didn’t get the amount anticipation that this requires. (I liked the Doctor cameo though) -:3 --- Okay. Wow. Final words. MetalHooves, I really enjoyed this story. It was a decent love story. With some work and some fleshing out it could be really great. I have no idea how most of your fans are going to react though. Overall suggestions. -I got the impression that you tried to create a complete short story and you’re doing good. Remember that every word must relate to the theme or progress the plot. The Pinkie scene should be rewritten or ditched. Same with the paragraph where the insert daydreams about other ponies. You can rework it so it relates, but here’s the thing about editing. It means a lot of cutting. “Kill your babies” -That said, you could strengthen the stories overall theme. Every story has a theme to it, ranging from superficial to deep. I guess this one would be along the lines of “love has no physical boundaries.” You hinted at it a little – like talking about Lyra acting human, or insert thinking about his past life. I would edit it with your chosen theme at the very front of your mind. Make sure every damn word is important. -You need to establish the stories conflict from the very beginning. Stories need conflicts. They drive the narrative. Short stories usually only have one. Here, it would be Lyra is unhappy about being a pony. Show us this from the beginning. -And I did notice that you trimmed down anything that flat out doesn’t need to be said. At least I didn’t see anything GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY LOOK AT ALL THIS CARE, JEBUS FUCKING CHRIST WAIFU YOU ARE A FAGGOT I hope this helps man. All of this stuff was drilled into my head too. Tl;dr who the fuck is going to read this apart from mh and really why would he read is as well who the hell am i. Some jackass on the internet. |
| your_waifu #137933 1 year ago |
ugh just looking at all those WORDS makes me sick and i feel like a self important asshole but honestly i think i've been around the block in official settings and know a few tricks |
| Anonymous #137949 1 year ago |
holy mother of god that is a lot of words
jegus how do you even do that No, but seriously Metalhooves that was awesome! Had the emotional touch as well as the slight sexyness, I was hooked throughout the entire thing... is this a new story arc, or from now on is it going to be a stand-alone fics? |
| Spitfire #138057 1 year ago |
Oh wow, loved it! Lyra's conversation with Bonbon in the beginning is just so cute. Awesome idea for a story and I loved how it played out! The characterization was great and it was sexy as well as romantic. Great work! :D |
| Anonymous #138300 1 year ago |
this is definately your best one, plotwise. very good fic MH |
| MetalHooves #138347 1 year ago |
Waifu, thanks for taking that much time to really review it from a writer's perspective; I loved your feedback. I do realize that sometimes my sentences can get awkward in terms of grammatical structure uses, and that's definitely something I'll try to work on in the future. All the syntactical stuff you mentioned I has actually considered before, but I just chose to leave it all as is if for no other reason than I am lazy and couldn't think of a better way to do it at the time. In terms of larger issues with plot and theme, this is the first time I've encountered those because this is the first time I've written a valid short story instead of a clopfic, so assuming I go this route again, I hope to get better at that. I also really liked your ideas for showing as opposed to telling, that's definitely something I would like to try accomplishing in the future.
^^^This is a standalone fic. I'm considering a story arc that will have to be uploaded in multiple parts. It won't be a clop fic. Well, not entirely, at least. ^^Thank you, Spitfire. :) ^ This is my ONLY one plotwise. :P the plot arc only really came together with the endings. XD |
| Isshiki_Kotonashi #138476 1 year ago |
I do use italics for emphasis, when I allcaps it's to make my text sound monotone and mockingly deep
I LIKE TO THINK IT WORKS |
| Anonymous #138707 1 year ago |
My only complaint is that the jpeg artefacts ruin both the image and the story. |
| your_waifu #139315 1 year ago |
i'm glad i could help. if this is the first complete short story you've attempted, then you are on to a good start. |
| MetalHooves #139432 1 year ago |
It is, actually; I'm working on a non pony project that's considerably longer, about 4 times as long as this so far, and nowhere near finished. |
| Anonymous #139465 1 year ago |
Excellently written. Personally, though, I prefer your lemon fanfics much more. The one with the spa ponies was honestly one of the best I've ever read anywhere. |
| Anonymous #139856 1 year ago |
...no. MH, you're good at writing sexy, but you're not good at writing...i don't even know what to call this, friendship? show-and-tell? uninspired narration? Whatever it was, it wasn't in your range of skillful writing and i couldn't form any kind of emotional response to it.
Stick with Zecora, Gilda and the spa twins, please. |
| your_waifu #139984 1 year ago |
^^good luck then. i'd be interested in seeing how you choose to go about something that's not in the 2ed person. (unless this is also 2ed person, which would also be interesting) |
| your_waifu #139991 1 year ago |
oops add a ^ to that |
| MetalHooves #140104 1 year ago |
Oh, I don't intend to post that project here. I'm going to make it a novel. |
| Anonymous #140154 1 year ago |
Wait... Nirvanilla = Spitfire? |
| MetalHooves #140279 1 year ago |
^ Huh? |
| Anonymous #140325 1 year ago |
I like the length, myself. Feels less rushed. As for the subject matter... well... suffice it to say I'm here for the pony. |
| Anonymous #141579 1 year ago |
wait she has no boobs wtf |
| Anonymous #141610 1 year ago |
^ She has boobs, they're just obscured by her arms. Also, because of the hatred of porn on this site, artist probably had erase parts or nipples would be showing. |
| MetalHooves #141831 1 year ago |
^ That's exactly true. I still have the original version, which featured a nipple. |
| MetalHooves #145658 1 year ago |
Oh, hey, on the off chance anypony is still looking at this, MetalHooves has a flankbook page now; i'll upload everything to it, eventually. |
| Anonymous #147642 1 year ago |
^ are you gonna tell us what your flankbook page's name is set to, or give us some way of finding out (e.g. emails, MSN, mail pony)? |
| MetalHooves #148304 1 year ago |
It's metalhooves. XD I'm real creative.
Yeah, it's mostly to help me filter feedback, ideas, collaboration, etc. :D |
| Anonymous #151856 1 year ago |
Dagnabbit, A sequel must be made. |
| CarnelianCrystal #151958 1 year ago |
Forever love, all over this.
A sequel would make this complete. c: ...Also, is it just me, or is Lyra's ear defying hair physics in the header image? |
| MetalHooves #152864 1 year ago |
^ I'm thinking of doing a follow up featuring BonBon's reaction.
I'm also thinking about doing a sequel featuring the child of Gilda and the insert from "An Angel". It wouldn't be a clopfic, I don't think, and it would be in 3rd person. |
| DrunkVege #153822 1 year ago |
Starting the reading, I couldn't help myself for saying how stupid I feel myself for my last comment in the Pinkamena-fic.
I said I couldn't wait for the Lyra-fic and it was already finished. I feel so stupid for not searching from the limes before adding the comment. I already have some feedback for this, but I'll save it for later so I can first read this trough. |
| DrunkVege #153914 1 year ago |
"yes, I know, the format is unholy. This was very experimental for me. Longest fic yet, plus custom header art, PLUS a new theme... Hope this works."
Good, then you won't be insulted if I tell you I had to breath in a paperbag for the very first time of my life when I read the part of me meeting human-Lyra I guess I'll be allways pessimist. This is DEFINETLY not my cup of tea, but it's still a pretty good fic since it's not a cupcake. The pic on top gave me ideas, but I was naïve enough to think "Nooo, it's not like that! Look! There's nothing about human versions in the beginning!" Definetly not my taste, but it was still brilliant writing so I think I don't bother giving any points up or down. |
| DrunkVege #153949 1 year ago |
Oh! Forgot:
I loved the story from the point of me waking up to the point me having date with Lyra! It had such a catchy storyline. The rest of it was quite okay and quite enjoyable Mild shock about Lyra's determinate decision, and in my part it would do just a little mental damage to me since it's permanent and alot of things would change after that making life in ponyville a level harder. Also I'm afraid of change so... Yeah. Still, morality before anything. Even tough she's totally different from the one I'm so used to, I'd never let my love fade from her. |
| DrunkVege #154291 1 year ago |
Heh...
Also forgot to add: I'd rather have myself transformed from human to pony, so I wouldn't stand out so much than having somepony transformed into human. Sure, I'd lose many benefits of being human but it's worth a sacrifice. Also, Dr Whooves spotted :D |
| Prisoner416 #184314 1 year ago |
Fing brilliant. |
| Anonymous #194831 1 year ago |
You know, on the couch scene... the entire time I was just waiting, expecting Bon Bon to pop in at any minute and just Freak the Fuck out! XD
Good job MH, loved it. :) |
| MetalHooves #213529 1 year ago |
^ I totally considered doing that.
But I figured it would ruin the scene. |
| Anonymous #289360 1 year ago |
1 month ago |
| Anonymous #290807 1 year ago |
You might say she's (sun glasses)
green with envy. YYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! |
| Anonymous #460617 10 months ago |
Totally great story! I have no complaints! |