
| Anonymous #122633 1 year ago |
Grammatical and spelling errors aside (though there are some significant ones), there were some continuity issues. How did Twilight know about Rainbow Dash? Why didn't Jakob recognize Tiberius's name without needing the last name? How much earlier was Twilight's part than the Fluttershy part? It's important to keep track of time, because it seems like Jakob's warning about them being the only ones left implies that the spread is insanely fast--so many ponies had observed the incident earlier when Twilight first saw Jakob. Could they all have been attacked between then and Jakob's warning (at best) a few hours later?
Also, HOW COULD YOU?! I don't wanna post a spoiler, but the mare that's attacked in the Jakob scene...WHY?! NOOO! |
| karikamiya #122852 1 year ago |
decent. 6/10. take a writing class, and then use google docs, not ponibooru. let people edit, and learn from their editing. |
| redweasel #122965 1 year ago |
also don't have everyone die horribly without a fight off camera in the prologue, except for twilight and an oc unicorn pony vampire hunter dhampire. |
| Anonymous #123184 1 year ago |
Fuck. |
| MetalHooves #123191 1 year ago |
Too much fire. |
| Anonymous #123485 1 year ago |
@anonymous 1, I don't have anyone to proofread, so errors are gonna happen. Twilight knew about Rainb |
| Anonymous #123509 1 year ago |
@anonymous 1, I don't have anyone to proofread, so errors are gonna happen. Twilight knew about Rainbow Dash because of the storm, RD should have been clearing the sky, but she wasn't. The lapse in timeflow management is a mistake on my part. It was suuposed to say "some time later", but for some reason I wrote earlier.
Jakob wanted to make sure that the Tiberius she was talking about was the Tiberius he was thinking about. There can be more than one Tiberius. And *Spoiler alert* they aren't the only ones, that was just an assumption by Jakob. And I did it to advance the plot. @karikamiya Goggle Docs, you say? I don't have much experience with Google Docs @Redweasel don't worry, there will be blood. @anon 2 What the... @MetalHooves there is never enough fire. And thank you for your words. I was afraid everyone just stopped reading after the first scene and gave up on the story. |
| Leo_X #123511 1 year ago |
^^ Oops, posted anonymous. |
| Soundateer #123632 1 year ago |
I found this quite enjoyable~
Well not enjoyable but interesting. 'This was bound to happen sooner or later' Rule ## ^ |
| Anonymous #125098 1 year ago |
tl;dr |
| Leo_X #126039 1 year ago |
@ Soundateer If you thought it was interesting as a first draft trial version (think Alpha V0.1), then after it has been fully thought out and written more carefully, you ought to love it! |
| Leo_X #137510 1 year ago |
Alright, for everyone who was expecting a bigger, better version of The Lord and the Liar story, I'm sorry to say that the idea has died, and I will no longer be pursuing it.
But fear not, for I have begun another, much better and more likeable story involving Jakob and T.T., as well as a few others. Hopefully I can get a good draft of it up and running, tho I have a buddy to proofread and make suggestions, so you guys won't being seeing this until its later stages (unless you are that guy, which you are not). I don't have a good name yet, but I certainly like this storyline more than the current. |