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MetalHooves
#168229
1 year ago
The header image belongs to PoorYorick, as do these characters. The image and descriptions, which can be found on YoorPorick's DA page, are the basis for this fic. This is chapter one of three in part one.

Oh, also, it's not porn. Sorry, kids. I'm taking a break from that for now.
DaisyHead
#168271
1 year ago
i would srsly like to see a comic version of this.
MetalHooves
#168289
1 year ago
Tell a good comic artist, maybe that can happen! I think that'd actually be pretty badass, now that you mention it!
Maya
#168339
1 year ago
the fanfic is pretty good, thanks metal!
your_waifu
#168404
1 year ago
oh cool you did something different. i'm interested. i'll read this thing later when my brain is on so i can tell you what i think. i won't go crazy hardcore on this though, it's too long for that V:|V a few words or so
MetalHooves
#168418
1 year ago
^Oh, yeah, no, waifu, I'm gonna go ahead and tell you that parts of it are crap literarily speaking because I wrote them when I wasn't functioning at full capacity. Tired, hungry, and distracted don't make me a good writer. Like now.
your_waifu
#168598
1 year ago
okay then my first recommendation would be to edit something till you're a little satisfied with it before putting it out for consumption. but then again im an unrealistic perfectionist when it comes to writing* so take that at face value

*obviously does not include internet posts
MetalHooves
#168606
1 year ago
Oh, yeah, you're way more of a perfectionist than me. I feel satisfied with these in that when I read them from an objective viewpoint [so much so as I can], I enjoy them.
DaisyHead
#168677
1 year ago
to me i only noticed spacing errors.
MetalHooves
#168716
1 year ago
Which are more of a formatting thing. I apparently can't format for shit. XD
Anonymous
#168887
1 year ago
Metal you need to put/submit this to Equestria Daily! Now!!! Please? :3 It's too awesome!!
MetalHooves
#168965
1 year ago
^ I thought that required using google docs. Which I refuse to do.
Obscure
#168971
1 year ago
Google docs, or Fanfiction, or deviant art.
DJ_Paradroid
#169023
1 year ago
I don't know; I think supporting Ponibooru with content is cooler than just shipping it off to ED.
your_waifu
#169037
1 year ago
dude for srs if you give this to ED, edit. edit it hard. i haven't read it yet but if what you said is true then you need to. showcase the best of your abilities.
your_waifu
#169046
1 year ago
^^ ED would introduce him to a wider brony audience. he's got his ponibooru fans, but ED is pretty much the central place for bronies on the net, at least for news. i personally wouldn't want anything but my best put up there.

but yeah. i like the ponibooru community. i hope to contribute more stuff when i'm not miserable v v
MetalHooves
#169638
1 year ago
Waifu, I took you up on your advice and edited it [I ended up adding about half a page somehow], but I still don't think I'm gonna send it to the boys at EqD. I hear they have really high standards. :S
your_waifu
#176878
1 year ago
alright here we go i read the first part here and... wait, hold on
HURK ACK UK GRAGH COUGH COUGH hrk urp...hmm

Okay, that's better. Had something stuck in my brain. Just as a reminder, take everything I say with a grain of salt and an open mind. Just because I know a few things doesn't mean I'm not an idiot. :|

This is interesting so far. Some good ideas here. And it feels like the beginning of a story. Sentence structure can get awkward, but that's something you have to just constantly work at. Forever. I think it already seems a little better then your Lyra story. Do you read you stuff out loud? I find this helps. Everything should flow. Really, I sometimes think of it almost like a piece of free verse poetry. Sentences should roll off the tongue and the mind, and agree with the sentences around it.

I do have one think I think is pretty important. The idea of dramatic pacing and "storyboarding" scenes. In my longer stuff I jump between the present and the past frequently. So I consider the most effective way to way to organize scenes. When to advance the plot, when to delve into characters pasts, and what to reveal when. And very, very important (to me at least) is suspense and tension. Things that peak the readers interest and make them want to keep reading. Not telling them important things is a good way to keep them reading. To relate that to my point in regards to your story, I have to question immediately heading into Stratus' and Nightshade's history right after the intro scene. I would recommend going into the actual plot of the story first. We have a vague notion of that something interesting may be going on involving some kind of bootlegging or magical drug trafficking, but no details or anything to keep us interested or involved. Then you go straight into an important bit of backstory. In my opinion, stuff in the past in secondary characterization to the characters action in the actual story. I would make a good groundwork for what the story is going to be about before going into the past. Mystery builds suspense. Why was Kate Austin in handcuffs and what is the smoke monster? That's why I watched lost. Who is the masked killer? That's why I watch horror movies. So, why reveal how Nightshade got her scar, or where the Shadowbolts came from, or stuff like that when you can allude to it and let the reader wonder what happened? Then tell them later when it actually matters to the plot. It's another technique that takes practice, but it's a good one.

You know it's interesting. These short, serialized stories often work more like a novel then a short story because they're not taken in as one complete piece. I don't think I've seen something like this outside of fan fiction. Hmm.

Anyway when my ADHD stops again I will check out the other two parts. But I think I'm running out of super special awesome pro*tips v:|v

*hahaha phhht right
MetalHooves
#177859
1 year ago
Waifu, I totally had not even thought of it like that. That's a damn good idea, and I'm totally gonna do that with later chapters.
MetalHooves
#179536
1 year ago
also, to anypony who's still reading these, I made a DA.

Just saiyan.
Anonymous
#328431
1 year ago
Stratus & Nightshade = More than business/mutual relationship, me thinks....
MetalHooves
#331017
11 months ago
They keep it platonic; it's more of a mentor/student relationhip thing.