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Southern_Hospitality
#160700
1 year ago
Jakob.
Vampire.
Twilight Sparkle.
Please no, please? Don't name the vampire Edward.
Anonymous
#162467
1 year ago
^Since there is going to be more, at least be constructive with your criticism.
Southern_Hospitality
#162531
1 year ago
Well, based on what there is here, I don't feel too comfortable giving much serious critique. That'd be like judging a 5-course meal based solely on the plate the appetizer is server on.

I will say two things, however that describing the book and telescope as "a metal telescope and a heavy book about astronomy" sounds like it was written, not spoken; If you say it aloud, it grates on the ears. Nopony would qualify a telescope as specifically metal or a book as heavy.

Secondly, you have an often vocal and snarky character in scene and he doesn't speak or even snicker at anything. Spike just feels like unnecessary window dressing here, give him a voice or take him out.
Hellcat
#162698
1 year ago
Don't worry, Spike is accounted for later on. I was using him to advance the story here. His role in the overall story is important, but fleeting, and, well, if he was awake at this part it wouldn't work. I'll see what I can do about it.

One more thing, the vampire isn't named Edward, so don't worry about that either.
Southern_Hospitality
#162748
1 year ago
Sleeping spike?
Rereads first paragraph.
How did I miss that? 6_9
Kaptain_Kildarby
#165070
1 year ago
I'm tempted to tag this as questionable just to see if I can get more people to read this and give decent feedback. No offense South, I just wish more people would read and comment. I've been emailing the author for a few weeks now, and it would be good to get a fresh set of eyes on the thing.