Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/9273044.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Hamilton_-_Miranda
  Relationship:
      Alexander_Hamilton/John_Laurens
  Character:
      Alexander_Hamilton, John_Laurens
  Additional Tags:
      same_story_different_point_of_view, Dubious_Consent, Dubious_Morality,
      dubcon, Sex, First_Time, Underage_Sex, alex_is_seventeen_and_john_is
      twenty_but_that's_technically_legal, just_not_okay, Unsafe_Sex, Drug_Use,
      Unhealthy_Relationships, Anal_Sex, this_is_just_really_not_okay, Angst,
      there_are_no_good_decisions_made
  Series:
      Part 2 of take_this_photograph_and_i'll_take_this_empty_frame
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-01-10 Words: 2897
****** you're too old to be so shy ******
by SunshineExploder
Summary
     "I'll do whatever you say to me in the dark."
     --
     Or: the Lams hayloft fic but this time from Alex's POV. Technically a
     sequel but can work as a stand-alone. If you want to read John's POV,
     it's the previous work in this series.
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
Why is Alex doing this? He shouldn’t be here, walking up to the dorm of
his...well, he’s not exactly sure what to call John. They’ve been talking and
hanging out since they met at a party a few months ago. Alex wasn’t even
supposed to be at that party, but it was held by the sister of one of the few
people he associated with and he was dragged there. He’s sure Peggy meant well,
but Alex isn’t a people person. Peggy and Aaron are really the only people he
talk to other than his family and John. Everyone else is just sort of in the
background.
 
Peggy and Aaron are his friends. George and Martha are his (adopted) parents.
John is something else entirely. John is three years older and there’s
something about him that has Alex coming back over and over again. Considering
his horrendous social skills, he doesn’t know what it is that’s going on
between the two of them. All he knows is that he couldn’t quit seeing John if
he tried.
 
That’s why he’s walking through this ridiculously big campus through this
ridiculous fucking snow to go see John. His parents are out of town for the
weekend, trusting him to take care of himself. It’s the perfect opportunity to
actually be with John in a less public setting. The college campus is almost
eerily devoid of students, and it’s not hard to get into the dorm building and
go up to John’s floor.
 
Alex’s heart is beating a tattoo on his chest as he walks down the hall to
John’s dorm. He can practically smell the weed from out here. His nose
scrunches up-- he’s not very fond of the scent. He knew John smoked, but he
didn’t think it was this extreme. It’s good no one is here, otherwise there’d
be a lot more questions to answer.
 
It takes a moment for Alex to psych himself up to answer the door. He’s
nervous, he’s always nervous around John. He’s unlike anyone else Alex has met.
John is older and even though he’s reckless and wild and really not mature at
all, he still manages to make Alex feel like a kid. And Alex hates that feeling
with a fucking passion. He’s not a kid, you can’t go through what he’s gone
through and ever consider yourself a child again. Childhood for him lasted
until he was twelve. Beyond that, he’s had to be an adult and he acts the part
as much as he can.
 
He knocks on the door. After a pause, he hears John’s raspy voice call, “It’s
unlocked.” So he lets himself in.
 
The first thing he notices is that the room is hot and smoky and everything
looks kind of hazy because of it. Alex almost coughs on the smoke, but holds it
in to save face. John sits on the bed, shirtless and staring out the window. He
doesn’t look back at Alex. Doesn’t even talk. Just smokes the joint in his hand
and looks at the snow.
 
Alex is the one to break the silence. “God, John, how much have you been
smoking? It’s like a fucking opium den in here.” Shit, shit, shit, was that too
much? He cares what John thinks, he doesn’t want to seem like a judgemental
asshole. He actually cares what John thinks of him.
 
“It’s been a long day, Alex. Give me some peace.” The phrase sets off something
in Alex’s head, something between the lines that he can’t see. John takes
another drag and still won’t fucking look at him.
 
Cautiously, Alex moves toward John and sits next to him. The only point of
contact is their knees. It makes Alex’s cheeks pinken, that little bit of
contact. He isn’t super physical with most people. Only with John. “I can be
peaceful,” he says, tries to be convincing. He doesn’t want to leave.
 
John laughs, something harsh that Alex isn’t sure whether he likes or not.
“You’ve never been peaceful.” He pauses, then asks, “Do you know what’ll
happen?”
 
Does Alex know what’ll happen? Absolutely not. What will happen if he touches
John, if John touches him? He feels like he’s standing on the edge of some
great big cliff, looking down into the deepest abyss in the universe and about
to jump. It’s almost like a challenge, and he doesn’t back down from
challenges. So he leans against John and looks up at the man through his
eyelashes. “You know I’ve always trusted you.”
 
And he does, he does trust John. The joint is put out and now John is curling
around his body, warm and solid. Alex does his best to accept the bigger man
into his arms. He slides a hand into John’s mess of curls and, not knowing what
else to do, sets his other hand on the man’s back. John slips his arms around
Alex’s waist, presses his face to Alex’s neck.
 
John’s breath on his neck is hot and strange as he mumbles, “I can feel your
heartbeat.” Alex thinks he likes how this feels, and then John kisses right on
his pulse. “Right here. It’s damn fast.” Alex shivers and his mouth falls open
in a small gasp.
 
Then John is moving back and tugging Alex into his lap. This has happened
before, Alex knows what to do. He wraps himself around the man, but sets one
hand on John’s bare chest. The skin is warm and he thinks he can feel the way
John’s pulse lags behind his own. “Here. Your heartbeat, too. Bet it’d be
faster if you weren’t so high.”
 
Alex is proud of the laugh he gets out of John, but he doesn’t get a chance to
revel in pride for long. John kisses him hard. It’s the first time John’s
started everything, and it’s different. Normally, Alex leans up for a shy kiss
and they work up to this kind of heat, but John doesn’t seem to be going that
way. It feels good, though, and Alex lets it go on for maybe longer than he
should.
 
However many seconds later, Alex is pulling away. He feels breathless and John
is so pretty with all those freckles and that pinkish flush that it makes Alex
blush more. “John…” he starts, but the man pushes him close and kisses the
words out of his mouth. It’s good, it’s so good, and it’s all that much harder
for Alex to break away again. There’s something different about this kiss,
something more than has been there before. “John, wait, no--”
 
John rests his forehead on Alex’s, and their eyes are locked together. His eyes
are sparkling hazel and gorgeous and he says, “Alex, it’s okay.”
 
It’s not, though, and he shakes his head ‘no’. Alex isn’t sure what’s going on,
he isn’t sure why this feels different. “No, I can’t, I haven’t--” And he
hasn’t, that’s the thing, he’s never even kissed anyone before John. There
wasn’t anybody he wanted to kiss. He doesn’t know a lot about intimacy, he
never cared. He had to work hard and he just didn’t have time for people. He
doesn’t know what he’s doing, and he hates that, but he still says, “I
shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t.”
 
Big, rough hands stroke over his thin frame. They don’t go under his clothes,
but they still feel almost too close to his skin. John murmurs against his
lips, low and heavy. “What? Shouldn’t what? Love? I don’t even know if there is
such a thing, Alex, but there’s wanting. There’s your heart and your breathing
and you’re everything. It’s the word of your body, don’t you know? Listen,
Alex.”
 
So Alex does try to listen. He tries to understand. If there is such a thing as
love, he doesn’t know if it lives here between them. There’s a burning under
his skin that he doesn’t recognize, but if John wants him to know the word of
his body, he’ll do it. Balancing on his shaky resolve, he leans up to kiss John
and ends up pushing them back. John doesn’t let him be on top for long, though,
and rolls them over so he’s on the bottom. John’s body pens him in and he looks
up at the man in the most vulnerable state he’s ever let a person put him in.
“I just, I don’t know, John. Please. I shouldn’t. I don’t know what I want.”
That’s the truth.
 
John leans down and brushes his lips against Alex’s throat, a fleeting contact
that makes Alex shudder. “It’s good, Alex. It makes us feel. Listen to your
body, tell me what you want.”
 
He seems so insistent, almost pleading with Alex to tell him what he wants. But
Alex has no idea what to do or what he even wants to do. He sort of wants to
stop, wants to tell John to get off him so he can run back home and forget he’d
ever been touched like this. That can’t happen, though. Alex can’t back down
and he can’t look like some stupid kid. A big part of him wants to say no, and
he shoves it down. He’s come too far to say no.
 
Alex pulls John down into a kiss that’s harder than he meant it to be. John
grabs his hips roughly, and he lets out a moan before he can stop himself. Why
does that feel so good? But then John is licking at his mouth and he opens it
and  oh . He feels unbearably hot and he stops really caring because this feels
better than before. John breaks the kiss only for a moment to whisper, “Don’t
be scared.”
 
Then they connect again and it feels like the world is aflame. John starts
tugging at Alex’s shirt and helps him get it off. They’re both shirtless and
the skin to skin contact is more than Alex could’ve imagined. John feels his
chest, ghosts his fingers over the valleys between his ribs. It’s good, he
thinks, it’s all uncharted territory. Alex is thin from all the meals he’s
forgotten and scrappy from the times he’s had to defend himself. Nothing like
John’s muscular build. Alex kind of wants to curl on himself from how inferior
he feels in that moment.
 
Suddenly, John’s hips do some strange rolling motion and their groins press
together. Too much, too much, too much. Alex makes a noise somewhere between a
whimper and a moan and pulls away. His eyes are wide and he hopes to God they
don’t hold fear as he pants out, “No.” He bites his lip, unsure of what he’s
really saying ‘no’ to.
 
“Please--” John presses, looking at him imploringly.
 
God, he’s fucking everything up, he should’ve just kept his mouth shut. He
should stop saying no. Still, he says, “Don’t. It…” It what? It feels strange
and good and horrible? It makes him want to pull John closer and also push him
away?
 
“What?”
 
Alex doesn’t like the look in John’s eyes, the look that practically says
‘you’re being stupid’. At least, it’s what it says in Alex’s mind. He’s being
dumb and childish again. He wants to hit himself for being like this, but
instead, he tries to do the same hip thing John did. It’s not as fluid, but it
does the same thing and makes John groan. Okay, that’s nice. He likes making
John feel good. Then John starts sort of grinding thing and the friction feels
so fucking nice. Alex doesn’t even notice how loud he’s being or the
embarrassing noises he’s making, he can’t control it. He can’t control
anything.
 
Next thing he knows, John is unbuttoning his pants and trying to pull them
down. Oh God, Alex knows where this goes. He’s heard people talk about it in
passing, he understands that this is the point of no return. He pulls back,
says desperately, “Wait…”
 
John runs hands over his waist, practically pets at the parts of him that curve
instead of angle. “It’s just me. It’s just me,” he says comfortingly. It’s not
comforting, though. Alex is scared. He knows that if the pants come off, he
can’t say no. He won’t let himself say no. And he’s not ready, he’s not, but
John is looking at him with a hunger and he lets John pull both their pants and
boxers off.
 
Alex has never been naked around anyone, save for with his mother as a baby.
He’s never let anyone see his bony, hunger-pang frame. John sees, and
apparently isn’t disgusted. He starts rummaging around in the bedside table for
something before pulling out a little bottle. Alex has no idea what it is, but
stops caring when John suddenly licks up the underside of his cock and holy
shit. John pours some of what’s in the bottle on him, and it’s a weird slightly
viscous liquid. Then he’s stroking Alex and kissing him, letting Alex moan and
whine into his mouth.
 
His body feels heated and his head is a daze of that pleasure. It’s getting
hard to comprehend what’s happening, but his mind clears up a bit when John is
pressing a slick finger against his hole. Alex thinks he nods, and he must
because the finger pushes in and it’s weird. It hurts and it’s tight, moving
around inside him. Then it touches something in him and it’s like he’s touched
a live wire. He almost screams, fists his hands in the bedsheet. He’s shaking
as he manages, “Now,  there -- now,  that’s …” He can’t even find the words.
 
“Yeah?” John sounds so pleased, and Alex grins hazily.
 
“Fuck yeah.”
 
John adds another finger. It hurts more, but it’s stretching him out well. The
hurt dulls when John touches that place again, then he’s able to slip in
another finger. They move slow at first to get Alex acquainted. Then John
speeds up his hand and the room is filled with a vulgar slick sound and Alex is
being driven mad. He’s squirming and writhing. That part of him that wants to
say no is still there, but Alex is determined to not give a single fuck when
John is touching him like this. It’s good, it finally feels good.
 
He whines when John pulls his fingers out. The emptiness left behind is
uncomfortable. Alex wants to be filled again, also sort of wants to pull away
because this is all so much. He can barely process it. Then John is pushing
into him and he practically shorts out. He feels stuffed and uncomfortable and
it burns. He’s allowed a few seconds to adjust, and it’s not nearly enough time
before John starts gently rocking into him. He gasps from the pain. As John
keeps moving, though, Alex’s body gets more used to it. And when he hits that
spot, Alex can’t stop his legs wrapping around the man.
 
The pace speeds up, but not too much. It feels intimate and almost loving. Alex
is thankful John isn’t going hard enough to hurt him more than necessary. It’s
good for his first time, and he’s digging his nails into John’s shoulders and
arching his back and practically mewling. He sounds totally obscene. John seems
to love it and he pulls Alex closer. Everything falls away, and suddenly he’s
wailing and the tight knot that had built up in his stomach blows apart.
 
Alex tries to scream, but chokes on it as tears drip down his cheeks. His head
is thrown back and his back is arched so hard that it hurts. Everything is so
sensitive after that explosion. Alex feels tired and John won’t stop, he keeps
pounding into him and it hurts with how raw he feels. Then something is
spurting inside him and he knows John just hit that same climax. Finally, John
pulls out. Alex can feel something leak out of him, lets out a broken noise
when John licks it up.
 
Something is different now. Alex doesn’t move, just lays where he is in the
sweat-soaked sheets and watches as John wipes them both down with a discarded
shirt. There’s still some of John’s cum in him and it’s uncomfortable, but he
really doesn’t care right now. He slips under the sheets, curls up on his side.
His eyes probably lock on John, even though he doesn’t see anything. It’s like
he’s looking through John into somewhere else. Somewhere where that didn’t just
happen. That place doesn’t exist, though.
 
John gets into bed behind him and pulls him close. Alex sort of wants to
scream, wants to shove John away. His skin doesn’t feel right on his bones.
Something in him feels broken, damaged beyond repair. Why doesn’t he feel like
he’s done something good? He impressed John, made John happy. Why isn’t Alex
happy? Why does he want to claw his skin off and lay in the snow and bleed out
whatever it is they can’t fix?
 
Nothing feels okay. Alex made a mistake, let John make a mistake. He has a
sinking feeling that nothing is ever going to be right again. They can put the
pieces back together, but there is always going to be something missing.
Something is missing from inside Alex now.

Alex falls asleep afraid  (hoping)  that when he wakes up, John will be gone.
End Notes
     WHOO BOY THIS IS SUPER UNHEALTHY AND BAD LIKE DO NOT DO ANYTHING
     EITHER OF THESE TWO JUST DID
     I almost cried writing this. I don't know why I wrote it, but now
     it's a thing that exists. It's Alex's POV of what happened in the
     Lams hayloft fic, and I think it's an even rougher read than John's
     POV to be honest. Like it's difficult for me to read and I wrote the
     damn thing.
     Title and summary are from Candles by Daughter. I listened to it
     while writing this, you should listen to it while reading it.
     EDIT: this whole AU now has its own series because I'm gonna write
     more heart-breaking shit yay
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