Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/10963668.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Naruto
  Relationship:
      Hatake_Kakashi/Umino_Iruka
  Character:
      Hatake_Kakashi, Umino_Iruka, Sarutobi_Asuma, Tsunade_(Naruto), Maito_Gai
      |_Might_Guy, Yuuhi_Kurenai, Shiranui_Genma, Shizune_(Naruto), Kamizuki
      Izumo, Hagane_Kotetsu, Haruno_Sakura
  Additional Tags:
      Established_Relationship, Developing_Relationship, Dubious_Consent, Anbu
      Hatake_Kakashi, Healthy_Relationships, Unhealthy_Coping_Mechanisms, Hurt/
      Comfort, Past_Sexual_Abuse, Self-Hatred
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-05-21 Updated: 2017-08-24 Chapters: 3/? Words: 14080
****** where snowbirds have flown ******
by bearfeathers
Summary
     Iruka and Kakashi have been dancing around each other for what feels
     like their whole lives. When a lengthy courtship eventually leads to
     the bedroom, Iruka finds himself facing a problem he'd never
     anticipated. Knowing there's more than just their relationship at
     stake, Iruka is determined to help Kakashi overcome the demons he's
     kept hidden for years, no matter how long it may take or how hard it
     may be.
     ***Dub-con tag is NOT in reference to main pairing.***
Notes
     At some point in our frequent midnight ramblings, Lywinis and I began
     talking about how there seemed to be an awful lot of kids fighting in
     these shinobi wars. Paired with the multitude of tragedies Kakashi
     was faced with as well as his inability to connect with others and
     clear PTSD, it seemed a fair theory that he had learned in his ANBU
     days that sex was just something you did or someone did to you to
     blow off steam. He's had sex plenty of times, but Iruka comes along
     as the first romantic relationship he's ever had. Being that he's
     developed some particularly unhealthy ideas about sex, trying to
     combine a sexual relationship with the romantic attraction he feels
     towards Iruka becomes disastrous.
     There will be mentions of past sexual experiences of dubious consent
     involving Kakashi and others and Kakashi will be underage in some of
     these. Being that these are very heavy topics, I encourage you to
     consider the attached warnings before reading. It's a difficult
     subject to write, but I'm hoping to be able to convey a certain
     number of thoughts. That sexual abuse can happen to anyone, that
     sometimes people take advantage of others who think themselves to be
     older than they truly are, the importance of acknowledging and
     accepting mental health issues, and the kinds of things that can
     happen to make us grow up too fast.
     Although I have labeled this as dub-con, I've checked off the rape/
     non-con warning for the sake of covering all bases. If there are any
     tags or warnings anyone feels should be added, please don't hesitate
     to let me know. Tags will be added as they become relevant. Title
     taken with respect from the song of the same name by A Silent Film.
***** we build it up, we tear it down *****
A year and a half.
 
A year and a half since Naruto had left with Jiraiya and here they are. Umino
Iruka and Hatake Kakashi. Together at last.
 
Or at least, that's how it feels to Iruka. Their interaction had begun
innocently enough with the odd exchange here or there regarding the kids, one
of which happened to spill over into Iruka's lunch hour. Kakashi had been the
one to insist buying him lunch to make up for it and although Iruka had
accepted, he hadn't thought of it as being anything other than a one-time
thing. Except it wasn't.
 
Joining each other for lunch or tea for progress updates on Team 7 began to
become something very nearly routine. 
 
"You know, we've had lunch several times now, and I still haven't seen your
face."
 
It had been a completely innocent statement, one which Iruka hadn't really
meant to say aloud, but Kakashi seemed amused by the remark. His eye had curved
up into that happy crescent-moon facsimile of a smile as he'd rested his chin
on his hand across the table from Iruka.
 
"You say that like you were hoping you would."
 
Suddenly he found their lunch meetings weren't strictly "business" as it were.
Iruka found himself engaging with Kakashi in conversation in a way he usually
only did with his closest friends. Their meetings had become something he'd
grown to look forward to.
 
Then came the chuunin exams. However close they'd come to one another, in that
moment, standing in front of the Hokage and all those jounin, Iruka had never
felt further away from Kakashi. Maybe he didn't really understand this man at
all. Worse still, he'd had to eat his words when he'd ventured out to test his
tree former students. Iruka may be stubborn, but he's willing to admit when
he's wrong, and he'd gone to Kakashi that night with hat in hand and did just
that.
 
It was weeks before they spoke to one another again, with Kakashi being the one
to seek him out. And it's true, Iruka had been angry and hurt and bitter, but
Kakashi hardly looked like it had been an argument he'd enjoyed winning. No,
instead he'd apologized to Iruka, claiming it had been wrong of him to provoke
the chuunin. It had been wrong of him, he said, to vilify the trait in Iruka
that he valued most. When Iruka wondered just what that trait was, Kakashi had
asked if he would join him for dinner by way of an apology; he would be happy
to tell him there. One dinner had turned into two, and then three, and then
dinner every week. The talks that they'd enjoyed previously during their
lunchtime meetings had resumed and Iruka found he had missed them far more than
he'd realized. Gradually he found those conversations ranging towards more
personal topics and he found himself surprised with not only how much he was
willing to open up to Kakashi, but how much Kakashi seemed to open up to him as
well.
 
Without meaning to, he began thinking about Kakashi even when they were apart
with greater and greater frequency. He would wonder when the jounin would
return from his latest mission, or find himself hoping he would return safely
or worry that he wouldn't. This had all come to a head when Mizuki had escaped
from prison. The fact that Kakashi had sent Pakkun with him had been
surprising, but welcome. The little dog had stuck close to his side even after
the mission had concluded and Tsunade had essentially ordered Iruka and Naruto
to be checked out at the hospital. Despite his protest, this had turned out to
be a wise decision, as an injury he'd written off as minor had wound up being a
bit more serious that he'd bargained for. Some internal bleeding meant he was
being held overnight. Pakkun had curled up on the bed by his knees, apparently
quite content to take a nap until his master returned. 
 
Iruka had been startled when he'd woken in the middle of the night to find a
figure sitting in the shadows beside his bed, but that had turned into relief
when he discovered it was Kakashi. He hadn't expected the jounin back from his
assignment so soon. Kakashi's bashful admission that he'd heard Iruka had been
hospitalized and had grown worried left a warm feeling in the pit of his
stomach that he hadn't felt in some time. The two of them talked quietly until
the sun rose and Iruka was deemed well enough for bed rest at home. As he'd
stood at the hospital entrance and Kakashi had lightly touched his arm,
offering to walk him home, it was apparent that what both of them were moving
towards wasn't a relationship of the platonic variety.
 
Tonight, after months of this slow courtship, Iruka had asked if Kakashi might
come up to his and join him for one last drink. Kakashi's visible eye had
curved upwards in a happy arc as he'd agreed.
 
And now... Now...
 
"You're gorgeous, you know," Iruka says before locking their lips together.
 
Kakashi hums into his mouth, reaching up and tugging on his hair tie until dark
chocolate locks tumbled out of its tight hold. The jounin wastes no time in
running a hand through that hair, apparently more than happy to spend his time
finding new ways to tangle his fingers in it. Iruka tugs experimentally on the
zipper of Kakashi's flak vest and, receiving no protest, tugs it the rest of
the way down. 
 
It really isn't practical for the two of them to be standing in his tiny
kitchen, feeling each other up like teenagers, but he can't bring himself to
suggest they do anything about it. The chuunin jumps when he feels a hand
cupping him through his pants; Kakashi certainly doesn't waste any time. He
applies a firm pressure as he massages in a steady motion until Iruka's
pressing into his hand, seeking out the friction he provides. Until, quite
suddenly, it stops. Kakashi pulls back to look at him, eyes shifting down to
the bulge in Iruka's pants before rising to meet his gaze, his tongue darting
out to wet his own lips. 
 
"Would you like me to?"
 
The low gravel of the jounin's voice makes his cock twitch in anticipation.
 
"Fuck," Iruka hisses, for lack of a better answer.
 
Kakashi seems to take that as a yes because a moment later he's on his knees
and working Iruka's fly open. Iruka has to hold on to the counter he's leaned
against when Kakashi takes him in his mouth because he's half certain he might
fall if he doesn't. He's imagined a dozen scenarios very much like this one and
every last one of them pales in comparison to the actual thing. Kakashi makes
no effort to restrain him, leaving Iruka's self-control the deciding factor in
whether his hips stay where they are. Iruka likes to think he's a fairly
considerate lover, but even he's not immune to basic human instinct. Try as he
might, he can't help it when he bucks into that wet heat surrounding him. 
 
An apology flies to his lips even as Kakashi takes it without so much as
gagging.
 
"Sorry! I'm sorry, I didn't mean—I'm sorry," Iruka says in a rushed breath as
he presses himself back against the counter.
 
Kakashi pulls off him slowly and gazes up at him from where he's knelt on the
kitchen floor. "It's fine. Do what you like; I can take it."
 
It's the kind of invitation that makes it difficult to swallow and his head go
fuzzy for a moment. Instead, he clears his throat and runs his hand through
disheveled silver hair.
 
"Why don't we take this to the bed? I think that'll be more comfortable for
both of us," Iruka suggests.
 
"Whatever you like," Kakashi says with a faint smile.
 
If you'd asked him even a few months ago if he would be leading Hatake Kakashi
into his bedroom, he would have suggested you get yourself checked for drugs.
Now, though, he finds himself watching Kakashi shedding layers of clothing and
feeling particularly overdressed for the occasion.
 
"How do you want me?" Kakashi asks, pulling his shirt off I've his head.
 
"I'm sorry?" Iruka asks, mirroring the action.
 
"Back? Stomach? Side?" Kakashi suggests, unzipping his fly. "Something more
creative in mind?"
 
"You're gonna be the death of me," Iruka says with an incredulous huff of
laughter. He scratches his nose, suddenly feeling self-conscious. "Ah... Let's
keep it simple tonight, maybe?"
 
"Simple it is," Kakashi replies, shooting him another smile.
 
When they're both sufficiently disrobed, Kakashi sits on the bed and pulls
Iruka by the hand to stand between his parted legs. They fall together onto the
bed and for a moment Iruka can't help but be distracted by silvery locks
splayed out on his duvet as Kakashi lies back in waiting. Iruka still finds
himself surprised that Kakashi hadn't wanted to top, but then he supposes he's
just letting the rumors cloud his judgment. They all paint the copy nin as some
kind of Casanova, but Iruka has to think the people that believe these rumors
have never actually spent any time with him. He knows Kakashi to be kind and
gentle in ways you might never expect from one of the village's most powerful
ninja. And there's a certain sort of... uncertainty about him. Like a schoolboy
nursing his first crush. That's the part of him Iruka knows those people have
never seen. It's a part of him that Iruka treasures.
 
"Let me know if it's getting uncomfortable," Iruka says, fingers working him
open with slow, careful movements.
 
"I'm ready whenever you want to go," Kakashi replies.
 
"Well I'm not going to go anywhere until you're ready," Iruka insists. "I don't
want to hurt you."
 
"It's fine," Kakashi says.
 
"All the same, I'm going to spend a little more time prepping you... If that's
okay?" Iruka ventures, watching his partner carefully.
 
"If that's what you want," Kakashi tells him. "Then that's fine by me."
 
Something... doesn't feel right to him. Iruka's not sure what it is, but
something at the back of his mind tells him something about this whole night
has been off.
 
"Tell me what you like," Iruka says, kissing up his chest. "Tell me what makes
you feel good."
 
"Whatever you like," Kakashi tells him. 
 
"I know you're a big fan of secrets, but this is a bit much," Iruka says,
fingers curling inside him, hoping to get some sort of reaction. "Tell me what
you want."
 
He hears his partner's harsh breaths, but no answer comes from him. Apart from
this and the sound of Iruka's slicked up fingers thrusting into him, he's as
still and silent as the grave. That's when Iruka notices. Glancing up, he had
hoped to meet the jounin's gaze but finds Kakashi's face is turned away from
him and his eyes closed.
 
It's like someone flips a switch. There's a sudden dropping sensation in his
stomach and he feels his body tense uncomfortably. He doesn't want this to be
it. He doesn't want to think this is what's made him feel like something was
wrong. The implications are enough to leave him lightheaded. Hesitantly, he
withdraws, pulling back and hating the look of confusion on Kakashi's face when
he registers that Iruka isn't going to proceed any further. Iruka struggles to
swallow around the lump that's formed in his throat.
 
"Kakashi, you don't... Do you want to do this?" Iruka asks him slowly.
 
"Why are you asking me that?" Kakashi asks him, beginning to look suspicious.
 
"It's just that you haven't really responded to anything we've done," Iruka
explains. "It's like you're putting all the focus on me... like you're not even
here. Or you don't want to be."
 
It's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it reaction, but it's there. Kakashi's eyes widen
suddenly, for a fraction of a moment before his cool gaze is once more in
place. But Iruka had seen it. It had been unmistakable. It was fear. That just
furthers Iruka's suspicions and the sinking sensation in his stomach worsens.
The infamous copy nin looks away from him once more, the muscles in his jaw
jumping. 
 
"You don't like it," Kakashi says.
 
"I... No, that's not... Well, what I mean is..." Iruka says, tripping over his
words in his hurry to convey several feelings at once.
 
"I should've known," Kakashi says, sitting up and swinging his legs over the
side of the bed. "This was a bad idea."
 
"Kakashi, wait, slow down, what are you talking about?" Iruka says, not
stopping him from pulling his pants on all the same.
 
"It was a bad idea. It's fine. It's my fault," Kakashi says, refusing to
elaborate as he gets dressed as quickly as he can.
 
Iruka slides off the bed, hurriedly pulling his pants on in his effort to stop
his partner from running out the door. He needs to sort this out, as much as he
doesn't want to open a can that he's certain is full of worms. But this isn't
the kind of thing you just fluff off. It's probably not the thing you talk
about half-naked either, but he finds himself afraid of what might happen if
they don't talk about this.
 
"We don't have to rush," Iruka suggests, following after him as Kakashi flees
to the kitchen. "We can take things as slowly as you need, let's just talk
about this."
 
"There's nothing to talk about," Kakashi replies, pulling his mask up. "Some
people just aren't compatible that way. It's not working for you, I made a
mistake thinking it would and that's all there is to it."
 
"That's not it at all," Iruka tries to assure him. "I think there's something
getting lost in translation between us and I think it... might be something we
really need to talk about."
 
He reaches out, the need to console, to fix, to make it better leaving him
feeling like his chest's about to burst. The jounin, to his surprise, flinches
away from the contact. At that moment, as much as he wants to keep Kakashi here
and talk about what's just happened between them, he knows he can't. Not if
Kakashi's like this. The man who wouldn't bat an eye at kunai and shuriken
flying through the air had pulled away from his hand like stray dog. As much as
he doesn't want to let him walk out that door, Iruka knows he has to. He wants
to be part of the solution, but right now, he's certain he's at least part of
the problem.
 
"It's okay," he says quietly, letting his arms hang at his sides. "I won't stop
you."
 
There's a look of confliction in Kakashi's lone eye, almost as though Iruka's
got him confused as to whether he wants to stay or go. But his instinct to flee
wins out and a moment later, Iruka's standing alone in his empty kitchen,
staring at the spot Kakashi had occupied just a short time ago. He stands there
for a long while, his racing thoughts keeping him frozen to the spot.
 
The way Kakashi had just laid there, like he was waiting for Iruka to fuck him
and get it over with, to just use his body to get off... god. God, how hadn't
he noticed it sooner? How could he have overlooked something like that? And the
fact that he'd almost... His stomach rolls at the thought.
 
Should he call someone, he wonders? Someone to check on Kakashi? But even if he
knew what to say, he doesn't think he'd know who to call. Whoever it is would
want to know why he'd ask such a thing, but it's not the sort of thing you can
explain in a phone call. Yet the idea of leaving the jounin alone when he's
like this isn't something that sits well with him.
 
That's the motivation he needs to finally move, his legs stiff and his feet
cold after having stood like a statue for so long. He picks up his phone and
flips through his phone book. In this case, there's really only one person he
can think to call who could handle the matter discreetly and efficiently.
 
"'lo?"
 
The groggy greeting isn't surprising considering how late it is. Later, he now
realizes, than he'd thought.
 
"Ah, Asuma-sensei, this is Umino Iruka. I'm sorry to disturb you so late at
night."
 
"Nah. It's fine. What happened?" 
 
He wonders how the other man had known to ask that question. Does his voice
give it away? Is it that obvious?
 
"Nothing. Well... No, that's not true. It's just... I can't quite explain it to
you, but Kakashi left—I mean Kakashi-sensei left here earlier tonight and he
was behaving oddly. I was hoping I could trouble you to check in on him," Iruka
says, knowing how it must sound.
 
"...there some reason you can't?"
 
It's not accusatory. Not the way Asuma says it. He just wants to know exactly
what's going on. Unfortunately, Iruka can't say he knows that himself.
 
"I think it would be better if I didn't," Iruka says, almost to himself.
 
He hears a tired sigh on the other end of the line.
 
"Look, if you two fought—"
 
"That's not it. Not exactly. Something did happen, but to be honest I'm not
sure what and he didn't want to talk to me about it," Iruka says.
 
"But Kakashi was behaving oddly enough that you felt you should call someone."
 
Iruka thanks whatever gods may be listening that Asuma is so quick on the
uptake. He hadn't been sure about sending someone after Kakashi, but at least
with Asuma, he knows the situation is in good hands.
 
"Yes," he replies simply. "I know it's strange, me calling you in the middle of
the night like this."
 
"If it bugged you enough to call, I'm willing to overlook the hour. But if
we're talking between us, you don't have to bother with the whole 'sensei'
thing. For me or him."
 
"O-Oh. Yes. Sure," Iruka stutters, feeling heat rise to his cheeks. "Well...
Thank you."
 
"It's not a big deal. I'll make sure he's alright. You get some sleep and leave
it to me."
 
"Thank you. I'll have to make it up to you," Iruka replies. "Goodnight, Asuma-
sensei. Uh... I mean, goodnight Asuma."
 
"Night Iruka."
 
Even as he rests the phone back in its cradle, he feels uneasy. He feels better
knowing that Asuma will look in on Kakashi, but the whole night still leaves
him feeling unsettled. Although he knows Asuma is right and he should get some
sleep before he has to report for work in the morning, he can't seem to wind
down.
 
A quick shower leaves him feeling more relaxed, but no more ready for sleep.
Without knowing how things have gone with Kakashi, he can't imagine sleeping.
Perhaps if he just lies in bed long enough, sleep will come to him. But as he
stands beside his bed, he finds that sinking feeling in his stomach returning
full force with a rolling wave of nausea. Instead, he strips the bed and throws
it all into the wash before pulling a spare blanket from the closet. 
 
He curls up on the sofa and wraps the blanket around himself. He lies there
quietly in the dark, listening to the sounds of the apartment as he waits for
the phone to ring, praying that it will soon. I had taken them so long to
arrive here and now he has to wonder if he's managed to tear all of that down
in the span of a single night. 
 
Iruka squeezes his eyes shut tight, unable to shake the wide-eyed expression of
fear he'd seen on Kakashi's face and sick with the fact that he'd been the one
to put it there. His chest aches. His eyes sting. He lies in silence, kept
company by his guilt and worry, waiting for a phone call that he doesn't yet
know will never come.
***** in silent watches of the night *****
Chapter Summary
     Morning comes with no word from Asuma and no sign of Kakashi. When
     Iruka discovers where they've gone, his worry only doubles.
Iruka is no stranger to sleepless nights (and sleepless nights on top of
sleepless nights), but as he locks his apartment door behind him and steps into
the morning sun, he decides this one is definitely a contender for one of the
worst. He'd waited up all night, hoping for a phone call or... well, anything,
really, to let him know that Kakashi was alright. Not that he was expecting him
to be alright but...
 
He sighs to himself, scrubbing a hand across his face absently. This whole
thing has him turned on his head. He can't even fathom how Kakashi must be
feeling about all of it. Iruka can't seem to shake the image of Kakashi staring
back at him with such blatant fear in his eyes. He wonders if there was
anything he could have said to have convinced Kakashi to stay. Even as he
thinks it, he's certain there wasn't anything that could have changed what
happened last night. But what had the jounin said? That they weren't...
compatible. That he knew it wouldn't work. He'd thought Iruka hadn't... liked
it. 
 
The number of scenarios that may have lead to that line of thinking are enough
to make his head spin and leave his stomach queasy. The two of them had never
talked about prior relationships. Or at the very least, none of Kakashi's.
Mizuki had been discussed on one occasion when Iruka had admittedly had far too
much to drink, but he can't say that counts for much at all. Kakashi's past
relationships are a complete mystery to him and now he finds himself
wondering... who? Who had left him with that behavior imprinted in him? He
feels suddenly guilty for allowing his thoughts to go so far; he hasn't even
confirmed his suspicions and here he is already playing judge and jury to some
mystery entity.
 
Lost in thought, he almost hadn't realized his feet had carried him to
Kakashi's apartment. He stands outside, staring blankly at the door before him.
He raises a hand, brushing it against the solid wood and absently noting that
it could use a fresh coat of paint. Kakashi isn't here. He knows this without
having to check inside to be sure. This, standing outside this person's closed
door, this is familiar. Nostalgic, but not in the usual sense.
 
Back then, they were...
 
He shakes his head, bopping himself on the noggin for good measure. Now isn't
the time for a stroll down memory lane.
 
"Come on, get your head out of the clouds, Iruka," he chastises himself.
 
He knows he really ought to get moving but lingers just moment longer, his hand
still pressed to Kakashi's door as though he he might summon him if he simply
wishes hard enough. He hurries along soon after, conscious of the fact that the
rest of the town will begin waking for the day and not wanting to be spotted
loitering outside Kakashi's apartment. It's not that he has anything in
particular that he feels he needs to hide, just that their relationship is
still primarily a private affair.
 
Assuming they still have a relationship at all.
 
But that's going to have to wait until later. For now, he has to get to work.
 
 
===============================================================================
 
As much as he loves teaching, Iruka's somewhat thankful the kids are on summer
break. He's not sure he's in the right frame of mind to be dealing with a class
full of rowdy kids, nevermind actually teaching them anything. Handing out
assignments and collecting mission reports is more his speed at the moment.
 
"Well, someone certainly looks tired this morning."
 
Iruka sighs as he places the voice: Shiranui Genma. On any other day, Iruka
would be glad to see him. Genma is a calm, level-headed sort of person with a
unique sense of humor that Iruka has grown to admire. Though they may not
always operate in the same circles, the reliable tokujo is someone Iruka
considers a close friend.
 
"Yeah, I didn't get much sleep last night," Iruka says, setting a stack of
papers on the long conference table.
 
Genma makes a noise low in his throat, soft and interested. "Oh? So should I
take it that the rumors about Kakashi are true?"
 
For a moment there's nothing but white noise between his ears and the thrumming
of his own pulse just beneath his skin.
 
"Shut up," Iruka growls, his fist coming down on the stack.
 
The tokujo doesn't do much more than raise his eyebrows and shift the senbon in
his mouth from one corner to the other. Meeting his gaze, Iruka feels the
tension slowly trickle away. He's not angry at Genma. Really, it had been an
innocent enough statement. It's just that those rumors are part of what's
bothering him and he can't exactly go telling Genma about all this. It's
between himself and Kakashi and it's really Kakashi's business more than
anyone's. 
 
"Sorry," he says quietly, shoulders drooping as he lowers his eyes to the
floor. "I shouldn't have snapped at you like that."
 
Genma shrugs, placing his own stack of papers on the table. "It's alright. I'm
guessing you have your reasons. Any you feel like sharing?"
 
Iruka feels forehead creasing in a frown. "Not really. Just... things didn't go
so well last night, is all. That's all I can really say about it."
 
"That's fine," Genma agrees easily. "But you know if you needed to..."
 
Iruka looks up, a crooked smile plastered on his face. "Yeah. I know. Thanks,
Genma."
 
"You say that, but how do you know I'm not just in it for the juicy details,"
Genma teases.
 
"Because you're not Kotetsu," Iruka responds flatly.
 
There's an offended "Hey!" from across the hall, followed by the sounds of
Izumo grousing at his partner to stop eavesdropping and help him with these
boxes. In truth, Iruka wishes he could talk about this. The only problem is
that the person he wants to talk to isn't anywhere to be found. It had crossed
his mind to ask Sakura if she'd seen Kakashi, but being that it's still so
early he doubts that she has. Plus, with how hard she's been working training
under Tsunade, he's loathe to deprive her of any sleep.
 
"Hey, Iruka, that reminds me," Kotetsu says, approaching him with Izumo in tow.
"Asuma said he wanted me to give you this."
 
Iruka stares at the folded slip of paper being offered to him. He reaches out
to take it, warily glancing up at Kotetsu as he does so.
 
"Did you read it?" he asks.
 
"No, I didn't read it. Man, who do you take me for?" Kotetsu grouses.
 
"He takes you for you," Izumo informs him innocently.
 
"No one asked you," Kotetsu huffs.
 
Iruka lets the sound of their argument fade into the background as he unfolds
the paper and anxiously scans the note. He reads it once, twice, three times...
and find he doesn't feel much better than he had before.
 
Iruka,
 
Checked in on Kakashi like you asked. He didn't seem particularly bothered
about anything, but even still, somethingly seems off about him. I'm just not
sure what. I would've called but (and go figure) it looks like he and I are
being sent out on assignment. I'm leaving this note with Kotetsu but I'll check
in with you myself when we get back, whenever that is. 
 
- Asuma
 
Well, at the very least, he's thankful that Asuma is taking him seriously and
not just fluffing the matter off. But then, Asuma and Kakashi have been friends
for long enough that it probably has more to do with Asuma being concerned
himself than it does with Iruka being right. He folds the paper back up and
slips it into his pocket, frowning as he stares down at nothing in particular.
Is Kakashi really in any state of mind to be taking an assignment right now?
 
Worry gnaws at him as he ponders the question, but then he supposes it's
because he's thinking of it from his point of view. If it were him in that
situation, he's sure he'd be an absolute mess. But Kakashi is more collected
than he is in that regard, less prone to shows of emotion. Even Asuma had said
he outwardly seemed fine. Despite that, Iruka worries.
 
"Alright?" Genma asks, nudging him with an elbow.
 
"Y-Yeah, fine," Iruka answers, mustering up a smile. "Let's finish setting up
for the day."
 
 
===============================================================================
 
Two weeks come and go without any sign of Kakashi and Asuma. Iruka's positive
he's developing and ulcer at this point with how much he's been preoccupied
with this matter. He's starting to run out of antacid by the time day sixteen
rolls around and a loud knocking on his door yanks him from his sleep.
Staggering from his bed to the door, unsure what time it even is, he unlatches
the locks and pulls the door open. Any drowsiness is chased from his system
when he identifies his nighttime visitor.
 
"Asuma," Iruka says in a surprised murmur.
 
"Sorry to bother you so late, Iruka," Asuma says, nodding his head in greeting.
 
Iruka may have just woken up but he's far from off his game. One look at Asuma
tells him it hadn't been an easy assignment. The laid-back jounin is looking a
little worse for wear, his flak jacket torn in a handful of places and bandage
visible beneath a tear in the sleeve of his right arm.
 
"You're injured," Iruka notes. "Are you sure you should be--"
 
"I'm fine," Asuma says, waving the question away. "And before you ask, Kakashi
is too. He's in the hospital, but it's nothing too serious."
 
"But something's still bothering you," Iruka remarks. "Or I doubt you'd be here
at... whatever time it is."
 
"Yeah," Asuma affirms. "Think we could talk inside?"
 
Iruka nearly jumps at the realization that he hadn't even offered to invite
Asuma in. The jounin follows him inside, wincing as he lowers himself into the
seat offered to him on the sofa. Iruka quickly makes him a cup of tea, still
"fussing" as Asuma puts it, over his guest's injuries.
 
"His head wasn't in this assignment. At all. And that's nothing like him,"
Asuma explains as Iruka pushes an ashtray towards him from across the coffee
table. "He was jumpy. Distracted. Almost like he was..."
 
"Afraid?" Iruka ventures.
 
"... yeah," Asuma agrees, the word rolling slowly off his tongue. He takes a
long drag on his cigarette, his expression thoughtful. "It's not something I've
seen in him often. His chakra control was practically non-existent. He couldn't
even maintain his Chidori. His injuries are only as bad as my own, but he wrung
himself out and couldn't even stand by the time we were done. They're keeping
him for the week, but I'm considering putting in a recommendation that he be
put on a temporary medical leave when he's released. Before I do that, I wanted
to run this by you and have you speak with him yourself first."
 
"I think it would be for the best, but I'm not sure he'll take it well," Iruka
sighs. His clasped hands tremble in his lap. "Besides which, I'm not sure he'll
even want to see me."
 
"I'm pretty sure he will," Asuma tells him. "He was pretty out of it when we
brought him in. Still managed to ask for you, though."
 
Iruka feels a swooping sensation in his stomach with Asuma's words. Kakashi had
asked for him. He feels guilty for the way relief floods his system, but he'd
been so sure that Kakashi would only continue to push him away. He's still not
sure that won't happen, but for the time being, Kakashi wants him to be there.
 
"He did," Iruka says, trying not to sound too hopeful.
 
"You figured he wouldn't?" Asuma probes.
 
Iruka shifts in his seat. "His reaction that night was enough to make me wonder
if he'd ever speak to me again, to be honest."
 
"Hm," Asuma hums thoughtfully. 
 
He draws deeply from his cigarette again, his eyes focused on the window to his
right. Iruka had honored the jounin's request to keep the lights out, figuring
the dark would be easier on both their eyes. Now, though, he wishes he could
see more than the glint of the moonlight in his eyes and the glowing end of his
cigarette. Asuma's thoughts are difficult to discern when his expression is
hidden mostly by the dark of night. But perhaps that had been his intention.
 
"You sure you don't want to tell me what went on that night?" Asuma says after
a time.
 
"It would feel too much like a violation of his privacy," Iruka says with a
slow shake of his head. "I think... if he's willing to speak with me then it's
something the two of us need to talk about ourselves."
 
"Fair enough," Asuma answers, snubbing his cigarette out in the ashtray. "I can
take you to him when you're ready."
 
Iruka doesn't waste a second.
 
 
===============================================================================
 
The halls of the hospital are dark and quiet, disturbed only by the quiet
shuffle of medical nin making their rounds. It's not the time when visitors are
meant to be here, but Iruka's certain Asuma had convinced someone to make an
exception. The room Kakashi's being kept in is obvious as soon as they turn
onto the hallway. Gai, Kurenai, Tsunade and Shizune stand outside the door,
looks of varying degrees of concern written in their faces. They seem to be
having a very serious conversation in hushed tones that stops the moment they
notice Asuma returning with Iruka in tow.
 
Iruka isn't sure who to address first. They all look at him as though he knows
something they don't, but he feels that the opposite is true.
 
"Iruka, thank you for coming," Tsunade says, sparing him from trying to decide
what to say first.
 
"It's not something that needs thanks," Iruka says earnestly. "But with all of
you here... I was under the impression that his injuries weren't very
serious..."
 
The others exchange a look that confirms his suspicions that, yes, they know
something he doesn't. Or that there's something they don't want him to know. 
 
"That's true. But the situation is... unusual," Tsunade says slowly.
 
"Asuma has filled us in on what little you've told him," Kurenai adds. "And
bringing you in seemed to be the best course of action."
 
Her tone isn't accusatory, exactly, but there's something in the statement that
seems to rest blame on his shoulders. He takes a slow breath, hoping to cut
straight to the chase.
 
"What exactly is going on?" he asks the group.
 
"We were hoping you might tell us that," Gai answers.
 
"Because you think I have something to do with whatever is wrong with Kakashi,"
Iruka guesses.
 
It's unusual to see Gai's face set in such a stoney expression. It's easy to
forget that under all the showmanship and bravado, Gai is about as close to
Kakashi as a brother might be. But Iruka doesn't forget that for a second.
Which is why he doesn't take offense to the possibility that they suspect him
of having done something untoward to the copy ninja. They're all here in the
middle of the night out of concern for the man sleeping in the next room and
Iruka could never find fault in actions with that motivation.
 
"I don't believe it was anything intentional but I'm not willing to rule
anything out when he's in this kind of state," Gai answers firmly.
 
"I think we would all be better equipped to help if you could tell us just what
happened the night you asked Asuma to check on Kakashi," Tsunade tells him.
 
Iruka feels at a loss. He agrees with Tsunade that knowing exactly what they
were dealing with would help all of them figure out how best to approach the
situation. But how can he just say something like that? Something he hasn't
even confirmed? He swallows thickly.
 
"Tsunade-sama, if possible, I'd like to speak with you alone," Iruka says, his
hands balled into fists at his sides.
 
Tsunade raises an eyebrow but doesn't shoot him down. "Very well. This way. I'm
sure we can find an empty room to give us some privacy."
 
As he follows the Hokage down the hallway, he doesn't look back at the group of
four, but feels the weight of their collective gaze on his back. He wonders
exactly how he's going to explain this to Tsunade. He wonders if she's going to
tell the others. He wonders if she'll even believe him. After all, it's
Kakashi, isn't it? They may preach that these things can happen to anyone but
how often do they believe it?
 
"Alright," Tsunade says, closing the door behind them in the unused room they'd
entered at the end of the hall. "What is it you wanted to say?"
 
Iruka wipes his palms on the thighs of his pants. "I'm not really sure how to
put this."
 
"I've got all night," Tsunade says, arms folded across her midsection.
 
He knows she's not lying.
 
"That night it was, uh... Well we... I don't know if you're aware that Kakashi
and I--"
 
"Have been seeing each other. Yes, I am," Tsunade interjects. "I know you've
both kept it fairly quiet but it hasn't exactly escaped everyone's notice."
 
"...right. Well the thing is that until that night we'd kept things... quiet.
Just as you said," Iruka says. "What I mean is that we never progressed far in
the... physical aspect of the relationship."
 
Tsunade's eyes take on a dangerous edge. "What happened that night?"
 
Iruka fights the wave of nausea as the images come back to him. How is he
supposed to tell her this?
 
"Things progressed. But at some point I felt..." Iruka says, his sentence
petering out. He takes a deep breath. "I don't even know if I've made the
correct assumption. But... Tsunade-sama do you... do you recall the seminar the
academy staff attended on how to recognize potential signs of sexual abuse in
our students?"
 
Tsunade doesn't say anything for a long, long while. Iruka finds himself afraid
to meet her eyes and keeps his gaze firmly on the floor space between them.
 
"And you believe you recognized some of these signs?"
 
Her voice is uncharacteristically soft--a harsh contrast to her demeanor just
minutes prior. Iruka nods silently, a lump rising in his throat. It's the first
time he's really, truly put it on the table. He'd avoided even thinking about
it in such explicit terms, not wanting to make it real unless he was certain.
Not wanting to think that could have really happened to someone he loves.
Because he does love Kakashi, regardless of the fact that he's never said it to
his face. 
 
"I stopped him from going any further and he took it badly. Very badly," Iruka
says. "I never explicitly asked him and he never confirmed or denied anything
but... I knew something wasn't right. And I was worried about him being alone
so I asked Asuma to check on him. Because he'd practically run out my door and
I didn't think he would react well to me going after him. So I don't know if
I'm right in all this but..."
 
He's not positive he's right. But he's certain something's wrong.
 
"Iruka, I'll be approving Asuma's request for Kakashi to be placed on temporary
leave," Tsunade tells him. "If your suspicions are correct then this needs to
be addressed. Whatever time he needs for that, he'll have it. As will you."
 
"Me...?" Iruka echoes, looking up in surprise.
 
"He asked for you. Asuma believes you're capable of helping him. I'm inclined
to trust his judgement," Tsunade explains. "I don't know what will come of this
or what he'll need in the way of help. But I'm trusting you to look after him.
I understand that's asking a lot. More than a lot. And if it's too much--"
 
"It's not," Iruka says hurriedly, before she can say any more. "Not for him."
 
Tsunade sighs. "Thank you."
 
Iruka merely nods, not sure what else to say. The thought of leaving Kakashi
had never even crossed his mind. But clearly Tsunade had been concerned it may
have. A thought strikes him and he finds himself with a different set of
worries to accompany it.
 
"Will you, ah... tell the others all of this?" Iruka wonders.
 
Tsunade stares back at him as he anxiously waits for her answer. In a move
that's entirely unlike her, the Hokage averts her gaze from him, glancing to
the side with a troubled expression. 
 
"This is something that will stay between you and me. This is a matter of
Kakashi's discretion," Tsunade says. "I don't want to have to include anyone
else unless it's absolutely necessary or unless he decides to tell them
himself."
 
Iruka nods, relieved. He feels guilty enough confiding in Tsunade before he
even spoke to Kakashi himself regarding the matter. But if he's going to be any
help, having Tsunade aware of the situation could make the task just that much
easier.
 
"Now what?" Iruka wonders aloud.
 
"Now I think it's time you go see him," Tsunade answers.
 
 
===============================================================================
 
The room is dark when Iruka enters, lit only by the light of the moon. He can
see the figure lying still in the bed beside the window and quietly approaches,
knowing from the sound of deep, even breaths that Kakashi is sleeping. 
 
Iruka pauses at his bedside, taking stock of each bandage, each cut, each
bruise. Nothing life threatening they'd said, but even still, he's in rough
shape. He recalls Asuma's words about how rattled he'd seemed, about how he
couldn't even maintain a Chidori... It makes his chest feel tight. He feels
responsible for all of this, like he'd opened the lid on Pandora's box. Slowly,
he reaches out until his fingers can brush away silver bangs and touch the
bandages wrapped around the other man's forehead.
 
In a fraction of a second, he finds his wrist trapped in a crushing grip and
his view of the hospital room flipping upside down. Suddenly he's pinned to the
matress with Kakashi on top of him, his other hand wrapped around Iruka's
throat. The chuunin struggles, trying to speak and only able to summon a wheeze
past the hand constricting his windpipe. But just as soon as it had started,
it's over. The wild look in Kakashi's eyes gives way to recognition and he
shakily pulls away. Iruka gasps in a lungful of air as Kakashi's momentary
strength gives out and he drops on the bed beside him.
 
Coughing, Iruka sits himself up, noting the pinched expression of pain on
Kakashi's face and the fact that he's breathing nearly as hard as Iruka. He
reaches out again, his hand making contact with Kakashi's bare bicep. 
 
"Kakashi," Iruka says hoarsely, feeling tremors beneath his palm. "Are you
alright?"
 
"Sorry," Kakashi whispers, trying to sit himself up. "I'm sorry."
 
Iruka hears a soft, distressed noise as Kakashi's arms give out beneath him and
he collapses once again, straining to lift himself more the a few inches off
the mattress. Worriedly, Iruka moves to stop him when he sees Kakashi making a
second attempt.
 
"Easy, take it easy," Iruka instructs him, moving to help Kakashi right himself
and lie back. He's seen Kakashi come back from missions suffering from chakra
exhaustion before, but this is bad even by those those standards. If he'd had
any energy left, he'd exhausted it in their brief struggle. "Don't push
yourself. You're not going anywhere for at least a week."
 
Kakashi doesn't answer, just lies back against the pillows with his eyes
squeezed shut and his chest heaving beneath Iruka's palm. Iruka can feel
Kakashi's heart racing even from this momentary exertion and that only serves
to worry him all the more.
 
"Iruka?"
 
He snaps back to attention and finds Kakashi's right eye gazing up at him
tiredly.
 
"Mm?"
 
"Why did you... Why are you here?" Kakashi wonders.
 
"Because you asked for me," Iruka says simply. He clears his throat. "Or at
least, that's what I was told."
 
Kakashi watches him carefully, looking as though that hasn't truly answered his
question.
 
"I thought after that night... you wouldn't," Kakashi tells him.
 
"Of course I would," Iruka sighs, his thumb rubbing the other man's sternum
gently. "I didn't want you to leave that night in the first place. I was afraid
you would be the one asking me to stay away."
 
Again the same, perplexed look. Iruka's starting to wonder if now is really the
best time to be getting into this. Perhaps it would best be left until tomorrow
after Kakashi's had some rest. Kakashi seems to have other plans.
 
"I don't understand," he says simply.
 
Iruka frowns. "What don't you understand?"
 
"I did everything right. I know I did. But you didn't want... you looked at me
like I made you sick and I..." Kakashi says his voice soft and distressed. "And
now... you're here. I don't understand. I don't understand... Why...?"
 
It's clear exhaustion is winning out and, coupled with a troubled mind, Iruka
knows it's a recipe for disaster. He wants nothing more than to be able to
soothe away his partner's worries, to fix whatever's broken and heal whatever's
hurt, but it's not nearly that simple. This is something that requires time and
care. Furthering the discussion tonight will only turn out for the worse.
 
"Kakashi, you don't make me sick. And I promise we'll talk about this - all of
this - but right now you need to rest," Iruka tells him, his hand leaving
Kakashi's chest to run through his hair. "I promise I'll still be here when you
wake up. I'm not going anywhere."
 
"...never knew why you're... with me in the first place," Kakashi mumbles as
though he hadn't heard a word Iruka's said, his eyes closed as he begins
sliding back towards sleep. "When we were kids I... the way I treated you...
came close to killing you... that time... both of us did... and you still...
still..."
 
"People change. It's all in the past," Iruka says quietly, trying to calm him.
"Don't think about any of that now, alright? Just sleep. It'll all be okay,
just let it go for now and get some rest."
 
The copy nin murmurs something unintelligible in response, but his body's
desperate plea for rest wins out over the thoughts plaguing his mind. Iruka
watches as his breathing slows and evens out and breathes a soft sigh of relief
when it seems Kakashi's dropped into a relatively peaceful sleep. It's strange,
though, that Kakashi would bring that incident up. And here Iruka thought he
would prefer to forget the past entirely. 
 
What's more is that he mentioned it as though he knew Iruka remembered. That
could simply be chalked up to his exhaustion, but it still bothers him. And the
way Kakashi had been talking...
 
Iruka watches his partner sleep fitfully, thinking back on his words. They'd
been so full of self-loathing and despair; nothing like how Kakashi usually is
with him. Not to mention his violent reaction to being touched. It was no
secret that Kakashi is a light sleeper, but that had been something else
entirely. Then there was Kakashi's confusion over the events of that night two
weeks prior. He'd said he'd "done everything right." The potential implications
of that kind of statement give Iruka full-body chills. His mind is racing in a
hundred different directions, each worse than the last. He knows it's useless
sitting here and getting himself worked up, but he can't calm himself knowing
that Kakashi could've... That he could have been...
 
Raped.
 
He's tiptoed around the word, afraid of putting a name to it before he was
sure. But he can't avoid it forever. If he's going to talk to Kakashi about
this, he needs to be prepared and hiding from the word isn't going to help
anyone.
 
Even as he reminds himself of that fact, he can't help but wonder... Who did
this to him? When? Did he tell anyone? Did it happen more than once? Could it
still be happening? 
 
Iruka squeezes his eyes shut against the sudden sting, his hands balling into
fists against his knees. He doesn't want to be right. God, he doesn't want to
be right. Yet he's sure that he is and his heart aches for the man lying prone
in the hospital bed before him. Whatever the source, Kakashi is hurting and
that alone is enough to make Iruka hurt, too. But he'd gladly take the worst
pain imaginable if he could take this from him.
 
For the time being, all he can do is stand watch against nightmares and remain
steadfast until the morning sun reaches them once more.
***** a misery as old as your omens *****
Chapter Summary
     Getting Kakashi to talk is like drawing blood from a stone. As Iruka
     wonders how best to help him, he comes to the realization that
     confronting Kakashi's demons may mean confronting some of his own.
The sky is a dark, ominous grey as raindrops begin to fall to the ground. He
hears the roar of distant thunder and the heady, earthy scent of wet soil fills
his senses. Despite the humidity of the late summer day, he shakes where he
stands, anxiety blossoming in his chest like a summer rose.
The others try to talk them down, do their best to smooth down ruffled feathers
and soothe tempers, but it seems as though this will not be an altercation they
can avoid. The girl with a scar like his shoves the silver-haired boy hard
enough for him to take a step backwards. He slaps her hand away, venomous words
following soon after.
Harsh words are not uncommon between them and neither are harsh actions - but
this is something new. Something dangerous. Something frightening. The air is
as thick with the promise of violence as it is with the promise of rain and he
feels powerless in the face of it.
The others run off to find an adult to put a stop to this and though he prays
he is wrong, deep down he knows no one will come fast enough. Words quickly
lose their impact and, gaining no satisfaction from trading insults, their
verbal fight shifts to a physical one. They've fought before. Many times. But
it was always in the boundaries of the classroom or as a training exercise
overseen by their instructors. Freed from those chains, they attack without
restraint.
If the situation weren't so dire he would be in awe. There's a certain beauty
in the way they move, trading blows in a manner that looks more like a graceful
dance than combat. The boy's movements are swift and honed, the girl's fluid
and nimble. But there is no question that this is dangerous. The dull impact of
fists on flesh, the sound of kunai blades singing through the air, hands
forming signs for jutsu far beyond the level of their peers; this isn't some
schoolyard scuffle.
Blood.
It's what they're both out for and what they both draw from one another.
Neither has landed a serious blow, but it's only a matter of time. He finds his
voice and cries out, pleading with them to stop. They don't hear him. It's as
though they don't even know he's there, as though he's a ghost despite the fact
that he had been the catalyst for all of this.
When they finally draw apart, he knows it's not because they intend to stop. He
sees blue lightning crackle around the silver-haired boy's hand, just as he
sees crimson colored water beginning to gather around the girl's fist. Two
original jutsu, ready to be put to the test. But it's a test he knows they'll
fail. Neither has completed their original technique, but they mean to go at
each other with unstable jutsu all the same.
He's running before he can even consider whether or not he should. But it's not
a question. He has to stop them. He has to make them stop. He arrives between
them just as they're each completing the arc of their strikes and -
There comes a yellow flash.
===============================================================================
 
Iruka jerks awake, surprised for a moment to find himself in a hospital and not
on a dirt road. His heart pounds in his chest in a way it shouldn't following
sleep, but the moment passes as he realizes it had simply been a dream. Just a
dream about something that happened a long time ago. Nothing but a memory
visited upon him in sleep. Scrubbing at his eyes, he notes that it's well into
the evening; he's been sitting in this chair keeping watch since early morning.
Apparently lack of sleep had caught up with him.
Kakashi hadn't woken since he'd first fallen asleep, but Iruka isn't surprised.
He'd completely wrung himself out and he'd need plenty of rest to remedy that
fact. In part, Iruka finds himself thankful for the fact that Kakashi has
continued to sleep. They need to talk, but even after sitting here all day he
feels as though he still doesn't know what to say.
"How long have I been out?"
Iruka looks up to find Kakashi regarding him with tired eyes, clearly having
just woken up. He musters a gentle smile.
"Since we talked. That was..." he says, pausing to glance at the clock on the
wall. "...eighteen hours ago. How do you feel?"
"Not especially happy that I've been asleep for nearly a day," Kakashi
grumbles.
"And apart from annoyed how are you feeling?" Iruka clarifies patiently.
"Stiff. Sore. Worn out," Kakashi admits with a sigh. "I don't know what
happened out there."
"Asuma said you had difficulty maintaining control of your chakra " Iruka
supplies, thinking that this might ease them into the pending conversation.
"Did something happen while you were on your assignment?"
"No, nothing in particular," Kakashi answers, sounding frustrated with himself.
"It was like I was just... I don't know."
Iruka nods quietly to himself. He wonders if it would be better to wait for
Kakashi to have recovered a bit more before broaching this subject with him.
And even then, is it something best eased into or better served by diving
straight in? He opts for the latter, believing that getting straight to the
point and clearing up what happened between them is an important priority.
"Kakashi, could we talk about what happened between us the other night?" he
asks.
He sees Kakashi tense, going on the defensive.
"I'd rather not," he says lowly.
"We don't have to get too deeply into it," Iruka promises, hoping to at least
skim the top layer of the issue. "It's just I've been worried sick since you
walked out..."
"Yeah. Asuma mentioned that," Kakashi replies.
"I just wanted to make sure you were alright," Iruka explains. "And that you
weren't going to do anything rash."
"You know I wouldn't," Kakashi retorts sharply.
Iruka knows he's thinking of his own father's suicide. While Iruka is inclined
to agree with him, he couldn't subdue the worry that stemmed from the other
man's strange behavior that night. Not that he thinks Kakashi would take his
own life, but he's found the copy nin to have something of a self-destructive
personality. If Kakashi thinks he's done something worthy of being punished, he
tends to throw himself in harm's way more often than he would otherwise. It's
something Iruka had noticed early on, before they were really together, and
hasn't quite found a way to counteract.
"I know," Iruka says, his tone pacifying. "But I still worried. You seemed so
upset I just couldn't be sure what you were thinking. I wanted to go to you
myself but... I didn't think you'd want to see me."
"...Asuma was a good choice," Kakashi says after a moment.
It's a roundabout way of telling him that Kakashi didn't want to see him. Iruka
found that Kakashi was prone to indirect answers when he was uncomfortable;
he'd answer your question by not answering. But Iruka's learning to read him
better bit by bit.
"I'm sorry," Iruka says. "I know you don't like that I sent someone after you."
"No, I didn't like it, but I understand it," Kakashi says, another tired sigh
escaping him. "I know you well enough by now that it's not surprising you
worried. It's what you do best."
His tone had warmed slightly, though it was clear he still didn't want to have
the talk he knew was coming. Iruka decides that it's enough for the day.
Pushing won't help either of them. Besides, there's plenty of time yet.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he huffs.
"It's not an insult. I just mean that you worry after everyone," Kakashi
declares, a touch of fondness in his voice.
"Well, everyone gives me plenty of reasons," Iruka says.
Kakashi is steering them away from the topic that Iruka truly wants to discuss.
Well, no, not wants to discuss exactly. It's something that needs to be
discussed and Iruka wants to do it out of a need to preserve their still-
developing relationship and to help Kakashi with whatever it is that's weighing
him down. All the same, he knows pushing too much at once is going to give him
the opposite result of what he's hoping for and so he decides a break is in
order.
"Are you hungry?" Iruka asks.
"Not really," Kakashi admits.
"You should still try to eat something," Iruka says, rising from his chair.
Kakashi makes a vain attempt to rise with him, as though he doesn't want Iruka
to leave, but he doesn't get far before his face contorts in pain and he's
forced to give up. Iruka crouches to put them at eye level and squeezes
Kakashi's wrist comfortingly. "I'm just going to get us both something to eat.
I'll be right back. As long as you're comfortable with me coming back...?"
"...please," Kakashi answers quietly.
The tired lines around his eyes lend to his silver hair in giving him the
appearance of someone much older than a man of twenty-eight. Iruka's never seen
Kakashi in such a vulnerable state, both physically and mentally. It makes his
chest tight watching the man he cares for so deeply suffering right in front of
him and knowing it's not a hurt he can fix with bandages and bed rest. But that
doesn't mean he can't help Kakashi heal at all.
"Alright. I won't be long," Iruka tells him. "Just get some rest while I'm
gone."
Kakashi seems about to protest until Iruka brings a hand up and gently strokes
his cheek. Kakashi sighs and closes his eyes, turning his face into the touch,
seeking it out. It seems to give him some momentary peace and when Iruka steps
away, Kakashi makes no attempt at opening his eyes. Satisfied with that for the
time being, Iruka resolves to make his errand as brief as possible and makes
his way out into the hall.
===============================================================================
"Iruka-sensei!"
His head snaps up at the call of his name and the shock of pink hair in the
hall is difficult to miss. Putting on a smile, he raises his hand in a friendly
greeting but Sakura appears anything but happy about their chance encounter as
she approaches.
"I heard Kakashi-sensei was hospitalized," she said, a worried frown firmly in
place. "I only just found out, otherwise I would have been to check on him
sooner. How is he?"
"I wouldn't know," Iruka says quickly, hand tightening reflexively on the
plastic bag he holds. "That's actually not why I'm here. I, ah, was just - "
"Iruka-sensei," Sakura interjects patiently, "Naruto may be as thick as a
cement wall but some of us are a little more observant than that. You don't
have to pretend; I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to."
...well, no point in pretending now. He supposes it was rather silly to think
they had pulled the wool over her eyes on this one.
"How did you know?" Iruka wonders, eyebrows nearly at his hairline.
"I pay attention to the people around me. You were spending more time together,
Kakashi-sensei mentioned you more frequently in front of us, and he would make
us wait forever in line to turn our reports into you, specifically, clearly so
he could get a chance to flirt with you at your station," Sakura ticks off
neatly. She points to the bag in his hand. "Plus there are two takeaway
containers in that bag and the one on top is from Kakashi-sensei's favorite
soba place."
"...o-oh," Iruka murmurs dumbly. He can't help but laugh at himself. "Well, I
guess I shouldn't be surprised. You were one of my most observant students
after all."
Sakura gives herself a fraction of a second to appear immensely pleased with
herself before she's on him again. "So how is he?"
"His injuries aren't too severe, but I'm afraid he's gone and depleted his
chakra nearly to its limit," Iruka tells her, shaking his head with a sigh.
"And is there... anything else?" Sakura asks.
"Why do you say that?" Iruka counters.
"It's just that... that's the answer I've gotten from anyone I've spoken to
about it," Sakura explains. "And they all have the same look on their faces
that you do now. Like they're worried about something else. Except no one will
tell me."
Iruka debates on whether to tell her so much as a fraction of what's going on.
He wants to respect Kakashi's privacy as much as possible, but he doesn't want
to shut Sakura out in his effort to do so. She is Kakashi's student and it's
clear she's terribly concerned for his wellbeing and equally as frustrated with
the fact that no one is giving her the answers she's looking for. It's not as
though he has to tell her the whole truth. Not to mention having her aware that
something else is going on might actually help Kakashi in the long run.
"The whole thing's a bit... delicate," Iruka tells her slowly. "There's
something, a problem of sorts, that Kakashi is trying to deal with right now.
It's very difficult for him. Tsunade-sama has placed him on indefinite leave
due to the severity of it."
"What is it?" Sakura asks him, wide-eyed.
"I can't tell you that," Iruka answers, shaking his head. "All I can tell you
is that he's having a very hard time right now and that we're all doing our
best to see him through it."
"Is there anything I can do? Anything to help?" she asks.
Iruka had never been as close to his other students as he had been with Naruto,
but he'd still cared deeply for each and every one of them all the same. Right
now, hearing her ask him what she can do to help makes him want to pull her
into the tightest hug he could manage. How much she's grown...!
"Nothing other than what you're doing now," Iruka tells her, beaming at his
former pupil with a proud smile. "He's lucky to have people like you to worry
after him and I know it will mean a lot for you to visit him, even if he makes
it seem as though he'd rather you didn't. I can't tell you specifically what's
wrong and he may act... strange at times, but please be patient with him."
"Of course," Sakura says quietly, her brow drawn up at the middle.
"I'm sorry, I think I must've just made you worry even more," Iruka says,
rubbing the scar on his nose self-consciously.
"Well, kind of," Sakura admits. The young woman takes a deep breath and draws
herself up just a bit straighter. "But I understand that there are some things
you can't discuss, so I'm not going to push any of you to tell me. I just hope
you'll let me know if anything changes...?"
"You'll be the first to know," he assures her. He pauses, thinking his own
statement over before deciding a correction is necessary. "Well, maybe the
second. Gai has something like a sixth sense with Kakashi, so he'll probably
know it before anyone even comes to tell him."
Despite the subject matter, Sakura hides a laugh behind her hand. "I think I
can live with being second after Gai-sensei."
For whatever reason, this chance meeting makes him feel more at ease. It's not
that he's figured out anything he didn't already know, but the reminder that
Kakashi has all these people who care for him bolsters Iruka's spirits. He'd
received training like all the other instructors, but that training was in
regards to children. Kakashi is no child. The distinction had been weighing
heavily on him, feeding into his anxiety stemming from the feeling that he was
massively unqualified to handle this.
Now, though, he thinks perhaps that may not be true. He's certainly no expert
on the matter, but an expert might not be what Kakashi needs.
"Do you think he's up for company?" Sakura asks him.
"I think a quick visit won't hurt," Iruka answers with a smile.
===============================================================================
Iruka knocks, calling out his arrival as he pushes the door open. Kakashi turns
his head to regard Iruka with his sleepy gaze but rouses when he sees Sakura
trailing behind the teacher. His right eye widens slightly and he begins to
shift beneath the hospital blanket, his attempt to sit himself up looking like
a monumental undertaking. Sakura is quick to step in, holding her hands up in a
placating manner.
"No, no, don't try to sit up," she says hurriedly, trying to stop him from
pushing himself any further.
"I'm alright," Kakashi tells her, his strained tone telling them otherwise.
"I'll be the judge of that," Sakura says firmly, helping to shift his pillows
and prop him in a more upright position.
"Will you, now?" Kakashi asks with a tired chuckle.
Iruka can't help his own smile as he sits and watches as Sakura proceeds to
examine her patient, admonishing him for working himself into such a state.
Despite this, her touch is careful, tender. Kakashi's eyes close, his
expression relaxed as Sakura's fingers gently but deftly press along his
jawline, checking for swelling in glands that might indicate infection. He
doesn't tense and flinch as he has to some touch recently and it occurs to
Iruka that Kakashi trusts his student implicitly. His defenses are lowered
here; not entirely but to a degree that Iruka is glad to see he's capable of.
"Well, at the very least it doesn't look like your wounds are providing any
complications," Sakura says. "But you're going to need some serious recovery
time, sensei."
"So I've heard," Kakashi replies.
Sakura sits on the edge of the bed as Iruka resumes his seat in the nearby
chair. He can see the young woman is trying very hard not to launch into an
interrogation, much as she may want to. Her agitation doesn't escape Kakashi's
notice.
"I'm fine," he stresses again. "This isn't the worst you've seen me, remember."
"It doesn't have to be the worst," Sakura huffs. "How many other people do we
have in here on a regular basis for this?"
"Uh... well..." Kakashi murmurs, scratching his head.
"Do you have any idea what you could be doing to your body by pushing it to
this state repeatedly?" Sakura goes on to demand.
Kakashi turns his head to look at Iruka, his expression clearly broadcasting
"help me" as though it were a neon sign. Iruka shrugs helplessly.
"She does have a point..." Iruka admits.
"It's not as though I'm doing it purposefully," Kakashi sighs. "Sometimes it
just... gets a little out of hand."
The answer doesn't seem to placate Sakura the way Kakashi was likely hoping it
would. But just when Iruka thinks she's prepared to deliver a scathing lecture,
she backs down. Her expression smoothes out into something more somber and as
her eyes flick briefly towards Iruka, he knows she's thinking of their
conversation.
"You have to be careful," Sakura stresses. "Because if you're not, someday
you'll do something that bedrest can't fix. And I don't want to see that
happen. No one does."
Iruka watches Kakashi carefully following Sakura's statement. His eyebrows rise
in equal parts surprise and confusion, as though he'd never considered that the
people around him would be all that affected. The moment passes quickly and his
expression shifts to something others might describe as unreadable, but to
Iruka seems like simply too many emotions for him to handle all at once.
Grateful. Guilty. Saddened. Defensive. Hurting.
Loving.
Not for the first time, Iruka thanks whatever gods had a hand in bringing Team
7 together. They've all shaped each other in different ways. For Kakashi, Iruka
knows these kids were the best thing for him. The change that had come over him
since he was relieved from his ANBU duties and made a teacher was incredible.
But more than that, it was these kids - Sakura, Naruto and Sasuke - that had
changed him. They pushed him to open up again, to care again, dulled sharpened
edges. It was no stretch of the truth to say that Kakashi had grown to love his
students and it was especially evident now as he regards Sakura with that
unreadable expression.
"You're right," Kakashi says at last. "I'm sorry. I'll be more careful in the
future."
"Will you though?" Sakura asks, her eyes narrowed shrewdly.
"What's with that look?" Kakashi counters.
"Because if you're not careful, I'm the one that has to deal with it," Sakura
declares.
"And here I thought you actually cared," Kakashi sighs dramatically.
Iruka rolls his eyes. "Don't tease her."
"I'm hurt that you would take her side in this," Kakashi says.
"Something tells me you'll get over it."
"How cruel..."
Maybe it's just because Sakura is in the room, but as they banter back and
forth, Iruka thinks this is the brightest Kakashi has been in days.
===============================================================================
"This isn't necessary. I can walk."
Iruka looks up from where he stands packing a bag with Kakashi's things. The
man in question is seated in a wheelchair across the room, a blanket on his lap
and a sour look on his face. Iruka zips the bag closed and slings it over his
shoulder with a sympathetic smile at his partner.
"All the way home?" he asks.
"Far enough to avoid any more embarrassment," Kakashi replies.
As unhappy as Kakashi is at the prospect of being wheeled home, Iruka's
grateful he'd agreed to go home at all. With him, that is. He'd been sure
Kakashi would fight him on the matter, but he took Iruka's suggestion of
spending the rest of his recuperation at the teacher's apartment surprisingly
well. Something tells him that Sakura's words the week prior had a great deal
to do with that.
"Ready to depart, oh rival-of-mine?"
Gai appears in the doorway, looking far too energetic for this time of the
morning. Kakashi's accusatory gaze zeros in on Iruka, who can only shrug
helplessly.
"He's worried and he wanted to help," Iruka tells him quietly. "Most people
appreciate that sort of thing."
"Most people do not have Maito Gai pushing them in a wheelchair," Kakashi
hisses back. He sighs at Iruka's innocent look and slouches further into his
seat with an air of defeat. "Thanks for coming, Gai."
"Nonsense. You couldn't keep me away if you tried," Gai tells him proudly.
'You really couldn't.' Iruka thinks to himself with some amusement. To most
people, Gai could be a bit... much. But when Iruka and Kakashi had begun seeing
each other in a more romantic light, Iruka had accepted the fact that he wasn't
getting Kakashi without Gai. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but Iruka
is getting more and more used to the bond between the two men which is, by all
means, every bit as strong as that between Kakashi and himself.
"It really is a big help, Gai, thank you," Iruka says earnestly, dipping
forward minutely in a subtle bow of thanks.
Gai hurries over, placing his hands on Iruka's shoulders and pushing until
Iruka is upright once again. "No, no, none of that. The bond of friendship
transcends the need for thanks over such simple matters."
"All the same... I feel better if I still say it," Iruka admits as he accepts
the other man's rousing thump on his back.
The three of them make their way out of the building, Kakashi's expression
growing more dower as they proceed. There's a brief, terrifying moment at the
hospital entrance where Gai declares he can have Kakashi home in under thirty
seconds. Iruka feels his blood pressure skyrocket when Kakashi agrees and he
has to spend the next five minutes desperately convincing Gai that it's just
fine if they take longer than thirty seconds to get home. He's seen the way
these two race. Adding a wheelchair into the mix fills his head with ungodly
images that he's sure will haunt his dreams for weeks to come.
Eventually though, Gai relents and they proceed at a much more reasonable pace
(much to Kakashi's annoyance). Listening to Gai and Kakashi talk, you'd almost
think nothing at all had happened. It felt like business as usual, as though
they just all happened to be out for a pleasant stroll. As much as Iruka wants
to see Kakashi in good spirits, he can't help but think this is just Kakashi's
attempt to push the issue back down where no one can see it and where he
doesn't have to deal with it.
The prospect of dragging him kicking and screaming into dealing with it is not
something that Iruka looks forward to. And frankly not something he really
wants to do. But he knows from experience that dealing with unpleasant things
that you've fought to repress for years means forcing yourself into a very
negative space for some time. Much like an infection, it has to get worse
before it can get better.
This, too, has its own set of dangers. When it comes right down to it, Iruka's
not certain that Kakashi had ever really developed any healthy coping
mechanisms for dealing with negative emotions. Though Iruka himself was only a
baby at the time, he knows from the first hand accounts of others that when his
father died, Kakashi showed up to class the next day as though nothing had
happened. The only real change they saw in him was a coldness that hadn't been
there before and a sudden dogged adherence to rules. He hadn't sought anyone
out for comfort and never spoke about what had happened, relying entirely on
himself from that point forward.
When Obito had died, he only seemed to retreat further from them. And when Rin
had joined Obito, he retreated further still. The Kyuubi's attack on the
village seemed to have been the final nail in the coffin. Having lost his
father, his teammates and his mentor, Kakashi had withdrawn altogether and
mired himself as deeply in his ANBU role as he could. But by then of course,
Iruka had been occupied by his own grief and Kakashi had become nothing more
than the occasional passing thought about a foolish childhood crush.
Thinking back to when they were children isn't something he chooses to do
often. As far as Naruto and the other kids are concerned, he and Kakashi hadn't
been acquainted with one another until Kakashi had taken Naruto on as his
student. And on some level they'd be right. Remembering their childhood... it
feels like something that had been in another lifetime, lived by two different
people. But he knows if he's going to help Kakashi in any way, he has to be
prepared to unpack his own issues right alongside him. If this problem dates
back as far as Kakashi's childhood, then Iruka can see no way around it.
He wonders if he has any right to tell Kakashi this is for his own good when
he's not sure if he can even face these things himself. But Iruka knows himself
to be many things and a coward isn't one of them.
"Urgh!"
Iruka finds his thoughts coming to a screeching halt as he walks straight into
Gai. As he steps back, rubbing his sore nose, he finds the two jounin watching
him expectantly. The fact that they're at Iruka's door might have something to
do with it.
"Someone's certainly deep in thought today," Kakashi drawls.
"I was trying to think of something good for dinner since this is your first
night out of the hospital," Iruka lies, his embarrassed laugh entirely genuine.
As Gai launches into a speech about youth, love and the beauty of expression
through culinary prowess, Kakashi's eye never leave Iruka. He might not be
reading the chuunin's mind, but Iruka has a feeling Kakashi knows food was the
last thing he was thinking about.
===============================================================================
Gai had stayed to help them prepare dinner - which was something of a godsend
since Iruka couldn't cook to save his life - but after they'd all eaten, he'd
called it a night. Although, this was after he'd had a quick word with Iruka.
The Noble Blue Beast had made it fairly clear that Iruka was to come to him
with any trouble and that he'd be personally checking in every day with them.
It hadn't been a threat exactly, but Iruka had a sneaking suspicion that Gai
didn't quite trust him yet.
That was fine. It's just another thing that would have to be worked on.
"Kakashi? Do you want to get settled in?" Iruka asks, standing in the hallway.
Kakashi stands in Iruka's living room, preoccupied with the photos on the
mantle. Of course, the only time Kakashi had actually been in Iruka's apartment
had been that night and, well, he hadn't exactly had time to look around. It's
only natural he would be curious. But when his fingers brush over the hitai-ate
folded neatly in front of a photo of his family, Iruka has to squash the urge
to yank him away. Kakashi withdraws his hand quickly enough on his own, shoving
his hands in his pockets almost guiltily as he looks over his shoulder at
Iruka.
"Sure," he says simply.
He follows Iruka into the bedroom, standing off to the side uncertainly as
Iruka unpacks his things.
"I figured you should take my room since it's bigger than the spare," Iruka
explains. "The bathroom is at the end of the hall and I'm right across the hall
if you need anything."
"We're not sharing a bed?" Kakashi asks, frowning in apparent confusion.
Iruka casts his gaze to the floor. "Kakashi, you know we have some things we
need to talk about. I'm not asking you to talk about them right now, but I
think it's better if we don't sleep in the same bed until we do talk."
When he glances up, Kakashi is watching him carefully, that same guilty set to
he shoulders that Iruka's grown too used to seeing as of late. He rushes to
explain, not wanting his intentions to be misinterpreted.
"It isn't a punishment or anything," Iruka says quickly. "It's not because of
what happened that night. Well, it is, but not... I'm not angry. And it's not
because I don't want to share a bed with you I just... My feelings for you
haven't changed, I just want to be sure you're taken care of first."
"I'm fine," Kakashi tells him, seemingly tired of having to say it.
"Kakashi..." Iruka sighs. "Will you at least admit that what happened was not
okay? That it might be a problem?"
Kakashi scratches the back of his head, glancing to the side. "I suppose. I
just thought we could forget it happened and try again. I can do better."
Iruka's stomach rolls with Kakashi's words, threatening to bring up the dinner
Gai had helped them make. He wants to grab Kakashi and shake him until he
understands that this isn't okay, that the problem wasn't that. That he was not
the problem. He wants to reel him in and hug him tight until something breaks;
either Kakashi's ribs or his own arms. He wants to tell him it's okay, that
it's going to be okay.
But that's all too much at once. Iruka had just promised he wasn't going to
make Kakashi talk tonight and none of those reactions allow him to keep that
promise. So he swallows down the emotions rising up the back of his throat and
settles for something simple.
"That's something we can discuss later," he says. "But for now, while you're
still recovering, could you indulge my worrying a little bit?"
That seems to be what hooks him. Kakashi's desire to please him is appeased by
the thought that placating Iruka's worrisome nature is more important than
sharing a bed. So Kakashi nods, seemingly prepared to accept those terms.
"Thank you," Iruka says honestly. He pauses a moment before reaching out and
slipping his hand into Kakashi's, squeezing reassuringly. "It's not for
forever. Just a little while, alright?"
Kakashi doesn't say anything as he leans in to kiss Iruka goodnight, squeezing
his hand back.
===============================================================================
 
Iruka sighs as he closes the door to the guest bedroom behind him and leans
back against it. He wonders how he's going to be of any help when what Kakashi
had just said to him had almost been enough to reduce him to tears. His family
had always run a tad more emotional than others, but this is really testing
him.
He opens his eyes and looks at the room before him. Apparently unpacking his
demons is happening sooner rather than later. He'd not set foot in this room
for years until Naruto had come into his life. After that, he'd cleaned it up
and kept it prepared for any time Naruto happened to stay the night. It's
different to how it was back then, when he'd slept in this room at Naruto's
age. Yet it's the same in just as many ways. The smells are different, the
furniture has been moved, Naruto's childhood drawings are pinned to the
walls... But he can still see it as it was when his family had first moved to
this apartment.
"Get a grip. Come on, stop digging all these things up," Iruka warns himself
quietly as he pushes off the door and towards the bed.
He sits down, feeling exhausted even from what little had happened today.
Grabbing a pillow, he hugs it against his chest as he begins trying to plan the
day out tomorrow. He'll have to prepare breakfast. Then there's the fact that
Kakashi still doesn't know he's on an indefinite leave. And what should he do
to keep Kakashi occupied all day? Iruka buries his face in the pillow, his mind
bouncing from one question to another as he inhales deeply in preparation for
another sigh.
It smells like Naruto.
The pillow smells like Naruto and he has a sudden ache of longing fill his
chest. He misses him. It's already been well over a year since he'd gone off to
train with Jiraiya. Iruka knows it was necessary, but he can't help but wish it
hadn't been. It feels like he's missing so much. What will Naruto be like when
he comes back? Will he be taller? Will his voice have changed? Will he be
asking Iruka about girls? Or boys?
He hugs the pillow in his arms, wishing it was the loudmouthed boy instead.
God, he misses him. He misses him so much. He wants him to come home. Not just
back to the village, but home. But wishing and hoping isn't going to make that
happen. Patience is all he can apply to the situation, but he wishes he could
do more. Iruka may be more capable of expressing his emotions than Kakashi, but
he wishes he were better at saying what he's truly feeling. Maybe then Naruto
might know that he had a home to come back to... if he wanted. Maybe then he
would've known that a long time ago.
Curling up in the bed he hadn't slept in since he was a child, thoughts of the
man he loves and the boy like a son to him fill his head and chase him into an
uneasy sleep.
 
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