Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/699348.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Choose_Not_To_Use_Archive_Warnings, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Merlin_(TV)
  Relationship:
      Merlin/Mordred_(Merlin)
  Character:
      Merlin_(Merlin), Mordred_(Merlin)
  Additional Tags:
      Dubious_Consent, Hate_Sex, Love/Hate, Unrequited_Love, Magic,
      Strangulation, Bottoming_from_the_Top, First_Time, Merdred, Angst, Angry
      Sex, Dirty_Talk
  Stats:
      Published: 2013-02-25 Words: 1907
****** what we are, what we've become ******
by derekstilinski
Summary
     "Can't you say 'we'? Why can't we be like that, Emrys? We would be
     beautiful together."
     While holding post in a castle for Morgana, Mordred sends out hunters
     to capture Merlin. Not to bring him to Morgana, but for Mordred's own
     personal gain.
Notes
     Set somewhere after 5x11. Mordred's already gone dark side. Mentions
     of the battle of Camlann.
Merlin gets thrown to the cold stone floor, landing hard in front of a pair of
boots.
"Leave."
The guards are dismissed, doors slamming shut with an echoing bang, click of
the heavy locks making Merlin's heart pound. He sits on his knees, head hung,
anxious and completely furious.
"Emrys," Mordred says softly, kneeling down and touching Merlin's face, "They
were rough with you."
Merlin moves away, "Because you told them to."
"No, no," Mordred sounds eerily calm, stroking his thumb against Merlin's cheek
as he tilts his head up. He's wearing a caring expression that makes Merlin's
stomach churn, "I want to save that for myself."
"What could you possibly do to me, Mordred?" He sits up more, almost
challenging him.
Mordred stands, looking down at him as he undoes the clasp to his cloak, "I can
make you hate yourself. Make your desires bubble to the surface until you sob."
"I could kill you." Merlin tells him, voice empty.
"But you won't, because you do want something from me. I can tell by the way
you look at me, how you looked at me when I stopped your death in the
clearing." Mordred starts to undo his belt with the sword case at his hip,
laying it down on a nearby table, "Take off your clothes."
Merlin's heart clenches, "No."
Mordred is quiet for a moment, looking down at the floor with his hands on the
ties of his vest; formal wear, not battle wear. Then he's marching over to
Merlin and putting a hand around his throat, eyes wild, "Do not make me do this
for you. I know you want me, I can see it in your eyes. How all that kindness
goes away and you become so vicious," He leans in, squeezing around his throat
as he ghosts his own lips across Merlin's, "And I just wonder what it would
take to make it all come out. How angry with me are you, Emrys? Or can you not
even think yourself with me in any way?"
"You and I both obviously know that I think," Merlin growls, chest tight,
emotions flaring, "You and I--"
"Can't you say 'we'? Why can't we be like that, Emrys? We would be beautiful
together." Mordred loosens his hand, pressing a soft kiss to Merlin's jaw.
"Fuck off." Merlin grits out, meeting Mordred's eyes, wanting so badly to
threaten him, to get this to stop. Thoughts, wants, everything he's pushed down
and away are starting to come back up, and he hates how much he wants it.
"I intend to," Mordred settles their foreheads together, hand moving down to
grip Merlin through his trousers, "Right here with you."
Mordred catches Merlin's mouth on a gasp, working it into a kiss. Mordred lays
him down and Merlin makes no move to stop him. He's hardening in the confines
of his trousers and balls his hands into fists as he starts to kiss back.
Mordred hums in approval against his lips.
When he pulls away, Merlin tries not to look at how large his pupils are, how
flushed his cheeks have become and the way he licks over his swollen lips like
he could have Merlin any way he wanted. Because he can. And Merlin hates for
admitting it.
"Oh, Emrys. I knew you couldn't resist." Mordred grabs him by the front of his
tunic and pulls him up, steering him over to the bed in the corner. He takes
away Merlin's  tunic, tossing it to the floor. He sheds his own vest and pulls
his tunic over his head, dipping down to kiss Merlin hungrily, force him to lay
down flat.
He rubs his pelvis against Merlin's, moaning roughly against his mouth, "I want
you to want me, Merlin."
Merlin bites the inside of his cheek and stays quiet. Mordred leaves him for a
few moments, shedding the rest of his clothes, grabbing a bottle from the
table. Merlin breathes heavily as he watches him, then uses his magic to firmly
slap Mordred's ass, making him cry out.
Mordred growls at him and his eyes flash gold, weight on Merlin's arms and
neck, heavy and painful. Mordred tugs his trousers down, wrapping a hand firm
around Merlin's cock, "That's how it's going to be? Emrys, I do not wish to
hurt you... I want you to love me. Why can't you?"
Merlin groans shakily as Mordred removes his smallclothes and seats himself
over Merlin's hips. Their cocks rub together and Mordred leans over him,
opening the cork on the small bottle of oil, "I would love for you to take me,
Merlin. Open me up. You want that too, don't you?"
Merlin shivers, arching his hips up, "Why are you doing this?"
"Because I adore you. I admire you and want you and need you. Why didn't you
just accept me?! That's all I wanted, for you to accept me, to love me! I
needed you and you pushed me away every time like I was some kind of illness!"
Mordred's magic tightens on him, cutting off his air. Mordred rests his head
against Merlin's, letting him gasp while he speaks and slicks him up, "A-All I
needed was you. But you were so horrible to me. Every time."
He kisses Merlin again, softly, and Merlin can breathe again, although still
held down firmly. Mordred bites his lip and whimpers quietly when he starts to
slip down onto him. Merlin gasps and tries to touch him, hold his hips, maybe
strangle him. He wants so badly not to be here and to be closer. So, so much
closer.
Mordred chuckles and Merlin can move again, "Touch me, Emrys. Finally show how
much you really want me."
Merlin swallows thickly, placing his hands tight over Mordred's hipbones.
Mordred looks overcome with emotion, something sparking in his eyes, making his
hips stutter forward. He breathes shakily, look on edge already. Merlin holds
tighter, hoping to bruise.
Mordred starts to wiggle his hips, working himself on Merlin in short ruts. He
sets his hands over Merlin's, trying to lace their fingers together. Merlin
thrusts up into him, causing Mordred's breath to hitch, a startled moan to
leave him. His thighs tremble and Merlin stares him down, clenching his teeth
when Mordred's inner muscles tighten around him.
"Do you really think fucking me roughly will get me to go away?" Mordred leans
down, threading his fingers into Merlin's hair like they're tender lovers, "By
all means, if it makes you feel better. I know it does me."
"I hate you." Merlin whispers through gritted teeth, wanting to hold him close
or punch him in the stomach. He wants to run his hands up Mordred's chest, feel
the heat of his skin and pull him into a deep kiss. But he shouldn't want to.
"I bet you wish that were true." Mordred says, pressing their lips together. He
rocks himself up and down, moaning quietly into Merlin's mouth. And Merlin lets
him.
He loosens his hands on Mordred's hips, taking a moment to caress the skin,
feel how Mordred moves. Then he's running his fingers up his sides, counting
his ribs while he kisses him back, tongues exploring. Mordred's eager and
Merlin rocks up into him because it feels so good. It coaxes groans from him,
which Mordred swallows, begs for more with the drop of his hips, taking Merlin
in deep.
Merlin puts one hand back on Mordred's hip to keep him in place, moving the
other slowly down over Mordred's stomach and back up, tweaking one of his
nipples and watching him squirm, insides spasm around him. Merlin rubs his
thumb against Mordred's cheek, bucking up into him again. Mordred lets out a
cry against his mouth. Merlin growls and quickly wraps his hand around
Mordred's throat, squeezing tightly and breaking the kiss.
Mordred gasps for air, which he is still getting, minimally so. He lets Merlin
do it, moaning his name, spreading his thighs wider to seat himself down fully
on Merlin's cock and rut his hips.
"You're a fucking disgrace, Mordred." He tells him in a low tone, hips arching
to keep the friction. Mordred's eyes are round as they watch him and his hands
have made no move to stop him. They grip the bed under them, no threat. Merlin
continues, lowering and raising his hips again to make Mordred whimper, "You
turned against us, against Camelot."
"Y-You never really let me in." Mordred says, strained, balanced between
pleasure and pain.
"You broke promises, you lied, you tried to kill people." Merlin tells him, "I
told you things would be different one day, but you will not get to see it."
"Going to kill me now, then?" Mordred grinds his hips down, his moan coming out
as next to nothing.
Merlin doesn't even acknowledge he's said anything, thrusting again, "You
sicken me. You used to have a good heart, you used to be loyal. You used to
be innocent. All that magic, so beautiful, pushed down. So hard to find it in
you now. Hidden away, used for evil. You have pushed back what you are."
"I grew up." Mordred whispers.
"I know," Merlin tells him roughly, feeling an ache in his chest, "And when I
saw you in the clearing, I didn't know it was you. I couldn't even feel your
magic. Only when I said your name, it sparked up. And you smiled." Merlin is
starting to shake with emotion, but he refuses to let it win him over, "I hoped
it wasn't you. I wished it wasn't you."
Mordred grins manically at him and Merlin lets go of his throat, wrapping his
arms around him when he falls onto his chest, heaving in air. After a moment,
the movement of their hips start to pick up again, both of them close. Mordred
keeps mumbling about how he's dreamed of him, touched himself to thoughts of
Merlin and heard all his stories. He bites Merlin's ear and tells him he loves
him, tells him they'd be gorgeous together, all their power. Merlin flips them
and fucks him into the bed, screaming at him to shut up.
Mordred laughs and yells out Merlin's name when he comes, marking them both.
Merlin takes out all his frustrations, feeling wrecked, enjoying the pleasure
but feeling so dirty, like he'll never be clean again. He comes inside him,
Mordred kissing his lips, allowing himself to be filled. He smiles but Merlin
doesn't like it, the shape all wrong on his face when his eyes look dead.
Merlin pulls up his breeches and finds his tunic, pulling it down over
Mordred's come on his stomach. He shudders at it. When he looks back, Mordred's
wrapped his cloak around his naked body and leads him to the door, touching his
cheek.
"Oh, my love... How wonderful we'd be," He smiles again, "You will think about
me, I can already see it, written there all over that beautiful face."
Merlin gets taken back to his cell and can't stop the tears from coming. He
sobs, just like Mordred said he would. Then he disarms a guard when he's given
dinner, and escapes without magic, knowing Mordred would sense it.
He says nothing about it to anyone, and later, at the battle of Camlann, he
kneels by Mordred's cooling body and tells him he was wrong.
"No beauty holds here. We were not beautiful."
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