Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/13466637.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Harry_Potter/Severus_Snape
  Character:
      Harry_Potter, Severus_Snape, Albus_Dumbledore, Voldemort_(Harry_Potter)
  Additional Tags:
      Soul_Bond, War, Past_Abuse, Past_Rape/Non-con, Bottom_Severus_Snape, Top
      Harry_Potter, Underage_Sex, mentions_of_abuse, Mentions_of_neglect
  Stats:
      Published: 2018-01-24 Updated: 2018-03-22 Chapters: 26/? Words: 44778
****** survival bonds ******
by younoknowme93
Summary
     Voldemort has found the Dursley residence, with no where else to hide
     the boy who lived Dumbledore crafts an unconventional plan to keep
     Harry safe- much to his and Snape's dismay
Notes
     I don't really know how long this will be. I'm trying to make the
     characters a bit more believeable.... not promising that I succeed,
     but at least I'm writing. i want to think all of my ducklings. It's
     hard. I'm still very fragile right now, but the kind words from
     everyone helps, so thank you.
***** Cleaning house *****
It’s almost hard to explain.  Laying under my bed gives me a sense of calm.
 Maybe the correct word would be safety.  Because it’s familiar.  I’m not
accustomed to having a room, even if the room is more in line with what a cell
would be.  The bars on my window do nothing to make me feel safe.  Mostly
because that isn’t their intention.  The bars are there to keep me in.  Not
keep other things out.  The door to ‘my room’ is locked.  Just as it always is
after I have completed my chores for the day.  I’m essentially a prisoner.
Waking up with the sun, my first task is always to start breakfast.  Three hot
meals for my relatives so that they can start the day on the correct foot.  My
cousin Dudley cares very little for eggs, but he wants his bacon soft.  Aunt
Petunia loathes her yokes to be runny, and her toast must be very lightly
toasted.  Uncle Vernon is just the opposite, if his yokes are even a touch over
cooked, then I will not even be allowed my customary one meal a day.  Luckily,
I have not had this issue since I was ten, as I’ve gotten better at giving them
what they want. 
After breakfast, Uncle Vernon leaves for work, Dudley goes and socializes with
his friends, my aunt goes shopping and I have whatever wasn’t eaten by the
family.  Normally this consists of Dudley’s half eaten eggs and the crust that
my aunt refuses to eat.  Uncle Vernon rarely leaves me anything.  Not that he
knows I eat their leftovers.  If he did, I fear what he would do to me. 
Accusing me of stealing food would be just the beginning.  I can’t help it
though; I do not waste any food.  At Hogwarts, I have to remind myself to not
hoard food for later.  Every time I see the sheer volume, my mouth waters.  I
can truly eat as much as I please.  That isn’t something I’m normally
permitted.  I clean the kitchen from the mess of breakfast and begin my other
numerous chores.
While the laundry machine whirls my uncle’s clothes clean, I start on the
bathrooms.  First the one in my aunt and uncle’s room, then the one down the
hall from my cousins.  The toilet, sink and tub must be pristine.  I opt to
scrub the floors on my hands and knees.  The mop doesn’t clean the floors
thoroughly and if there is a single missed spot, then I will not be allotted my
one meal.  I’ve told them that we need a new mop, but uncle Vernon only sneered
at me.  I am the mop he says.  Once I can see my reflection, I move to my next
task.  The laundry will need to be changed over.  The second load of laundry is
always my aunts. I’ll have just over fifty minutes until the drying is done.
 Vacuuming all of the rooms is what I typically do at this point. 
When I hear the buzz of the dryer, I change the laundry and put in Dudley’s
clothes to wash.  My aunt’s is drying and I am folding my uncle’s clothes.  If
they wrinkle, I will be punished in the customary way.  This doesn’t take long
to do and his clothes are put up.  At this time, I typically take a short break
in the cupboard under the stairs.  Laying on my side, I breathe slowly.  If I
were at Hogwarts right now, it would be time for lunch in the great hall.  My
stomach rumbles like a clock announcing what time it is.  I can’t eat anything
though.  They would notice if food went missing.  Occasionally Dudley will come
home about this time for lunch, but it seems like today he isn’t going too. 
That’s fine.  It’s harder to get everything done when I have to stop to fix him
something to eat.  On the flip side though, at least when he leaves I get to
nibble at his remains. 
The summer will end and term will start back.  When it does, I will have a
break from all of this.  I cannot break from cleaning for too long though,
because there is more to do.  My aunt’s clothes are almost dry, I work on
straightening up any bits and ends that are out of order.  My clothes are the
last to be washed.  They smell thickly of urine.  My clothes cannot be washed
with anyone else’s for fear of me contaminating them with my freakish ways.
While my clothes wash and Dudley’s dry, I begin folding my aunt’s clothes. 
I’ve mostly gotten use to all of my tasks, but it is still uncomfortable to
fold my aunt’s panties even if I am mostly desensitized.  They are put up, and
Dudley’s clothes are thrown in the machine to dry.  I take my wet clothes and
single towel to my room to dry.  Before his clothes have finished, I take a
quick shower just to get the smell off of me.  At this point, my day will be
close to wrapping up.  Getting dressed in some hand-me downs that are to worn
and large to ever be called presentable, I simply shake the water off.  I am
only permitted one towel and I need it for tonight.  Dudley’s clothes are
folded and joined with the rest. 
I just have to do the shopping for tonight’s dinner, the cooking, cleaning up
after dinner of course, then… off to my room.  Tonight, I will make a nice
casserole.  Cousin Dudley’s favorite.  I’ve been making more of his favorites
lately in the hopes that he will outgrow his clothes sooner.  The less time he
has to wear them, the better condition they will be.  I have a box that sits
outside my door.  When he outgrows his clothes, he puts them in the box and it
gets absorbed into my wardrobe.  That is where the majority of my clothing
comes from at least.
Since I started going to Hogwarts and have gotten my vault, it’s been easier to
splurge on clothing, but I have to be careful.  I’ll need that money for the
rest of my time at Hogwarts, and possibly a little after until I get settled in
with a career.  Assuming I survive the war.  Assuming anyone survives the war. 
Once I’m back from the market, I begin dinner prep.  Uncle Vernon likes to
dinner to still be hot as he walks through the door and he does not care for
waiting.  Chopping the vegetables finely, I sauté them comfortably.  I really
don’t mind cooking, and I think I’ve gotten decent at least.  I wish that I
could do as well at potions. 
The smell of the casserole is heavenly and I fight to taste test it.  I’ll just
have to assume it takes as it should.  I fix a plate for each member of the
family and sit it at their spot.  Knives and forks on the table.  Napkins. 
Once everything is prepared, I tell them.  I fight myself.  I mustn’t watch
them eat.  Uncle Vernon doesn’t like me watching, but the forkful shoveled into
ungrateful mouths is torture. 
I’m only allowed to eat after everyone else has had their fill.  After the
family finishes and leaves their plates, I’ll allowed to fix my plate and take
a seat on the floor.  The chairs are for the family.  I eat slowly trying to
savor the food.  I’ll not eat like this again until tomorrow’s dinner.  After
I’ve eaten, the kitchen must be cleaned again.  I put my mismatched plate and
cup away in its proper place.  My utensils sit innocently on top.  My dinner
set cannot be mixed with the family’s.  Double and triple checking, the kitchen
is cleaned to their standards.
I rush to use the bathroom and then, my ‘room’.  From approximately 7 till 6 my
room is locked.  Uncle Vernon wakes each morning, unlocks my door with a loud
bang and begins preparing for the day.  That’s when mine starts. 
There is very little that I can do once my door is locked.  Save for a bed and
a scarcely filled closet, my room is mostly empty.  Most of the time, I take my
blankets- the few I have- and bunch them up under my bed.  I’ll lay in my
makeshift fort.  My safe place.  Small but defendable.  Sometimes I read books
that Hermione has given me.  That can help pass the time until the sun sets and
I no longer have light.  It isn’t that I don’t have electricity.  I do.  I just
don’t have any lightbulbs. 
I’m afraid of the dark.
I’m honestly ashamed to admit that out loud.  But I’m terrified.  Creaking
floorboards.  Unsettling cold.  The nightmares.  The endless nightmares that
keep me from being able to close my eyes.  I sleep uneasily when it’s dark. 
It isn’t lost of me how I’m trapped in this room.  I’ve learned to mostly hold
my bladder, but sometimes, in the eleven hours or longer that I am locked up, I
cannot hold it anymore.  That is what the towel is for.  It’s humiliating to
relieve yourself into a towel and then shove it to be washed the next day. 
It’s either that or wetting myself.  Most of the time during the week, I can
hold my urine, but on the weekends when my uncle lays in longer, my door will
not be unlocked until nearly nine.  I hate the smell of piss.  I hate the
cold.  I hate the dark.  I hate my cruel relatives.  I hate my life.
This hell will never be home. 
***** the attack *****
Chapter Notes
     I have so many plans for this story... Like I already know how I'm
     going to end it... what'll happen in a few different chapters. This
     bug has been buzzing in my head and I really want to write this.
The pounding earthquakes came and woke me from my half sleep.  Instinctively I
hid further under my invisibility cloak in my special place under the bed. 
Sounds similar to bombs exploding ring in my ears and my instincts are too
heightened too allow me to move.  From under my bed hidden, I can see the door
being kicked in and several sets of boots stomping violently across the floor. 
With my cloak, I run.  There are so many infiltrating this house and I already
know who they are, but I’m afraid to think the word out loud.  The door is
blocked as they search.  For me.  Distantly in the back of my head, I know I
should be worried for the muggles that have taken me in, but first I need to
worry about my own survival. 
My legs scream run, but my brain screams hide.  I use the commotion to hide in
my cupboard.  It is the only safe place that I can think of.  I can hear some
of them barking orders. 
“Leave nothing unchecked.  Find the boy.”  I’m scared.  I never suspected that
I would be facing this alone.  I can’t take on all of them and I can’t escape. 
I fight the screams down when the door opens to my safe place and I’m faced
with a tall man in dark robes and a grotesque misshapen mask. 
“This one is empty.”  The man barks, but doesn’t look away from my hiding
spot.  My hand quietly slaps over my mouth to keep me from breaking shaky
breaths to loudly.  Merlin.  Keep going.  You already said this place is
empty.  Leave.  Leave.  But the figure doesn’t leave.  It looks in longer as if
seeing me, but that’s impossible.  A lifetime later, the same man grabs me and
only the teeth biting down on my bottom lip keeps me from screaming.  The boney
hand grasps my wrist and I’m frantically trying to pull free.  I can feel
individual fingers long and pointy digging into the soft flesh.
Then I’m weightless.  I can only feel fingers bruisingly engulfing my wrist. 
This is where I die.  I’ll be presented to Voldemort.  No more Harry Potter. 
No more wizarding world.  Or muggle world for that matter.    I failed
everyone.  I refuse to cry though.  I will face my death with calmness.  And I
will go down fighting. 
I don’t give myself a moment to take in my surroundings when the magic wears
off and we’ve landed.  My fist, as tightly wound as I can, connects to this
monster’s chest.  With a groan, the man squeezes me tighter before throwing me
in a nearby room.  The mask is removed, but I’m to busy preparing for my next
lunge at him. 
“Potter.  You will do well to not harm your savior.  Dumbledore is on his way,
you will remain in this room.  I must go back.”  Snape’s voice is booming and
allows for no argument.   He looks at me hesitantly for a beat of a moment then
with a crack, he vanishes.  His eyes baring into my soul leave a lasting
image.  The entire exchange was so quick I question if it really happened.
Alone in darkness, fear grips me.  What if he’s lying.  What if the person that
is really on his way is Voldemort.  Can I really trust Snape?  He’s never been
particularly kind… more like he’s never been particularly human.  But if we
were waiting on Voldemort, then Snape certainly wouldn’t have left me
unguarded.  Right?  Those robes though and that misshapen mask that is a parody
of a tortured face.  He is a death eater.  I remember looking in the pensive,
but Dumbledore trusts him.  But I saw him among them.  But right now.  He saved
me, right? 
I can still feel the tight grip on my wrist and I rub it to alleviate some of
the pain.  The scar on my forehead is burning as well.  I was told not to leave
this room.  For now, I will trust my teacher, but only because he saved me. 
That doesn’t mean I have to numbly wait for Voldemort or Dumbledore.  Now that
I can breathe again, I take in the room around me.  It certainly looks like a
place for death eaters to congregate.  The wallpaper is pealing, and the small
lightbulb flickers- hardly lighting the room.  The smell is musty like most old
dilapidated buildings are.  The furniture lacks any modern appearance.  The
furniture in the room consists of a bed- with stained and ugly sheets, a chest
of drawers- that appears half broken, and a cushy chair with torn upholstery. 
I take the spot under the bed and pull the invisibility cloak over me.  I don’t
have my wand.  At the Dursley’s I have to hide it in case they should decide to
break the ‘stick’.  It doesn’t change the fact that I am without a wand. 
Essentially defenseless.  How long will I have to wait?  What happened
anyways.  How did the death eaters find my relative’s home?  I’m suppose to be
safe in that hell.
I don’t know how long I waited huddled under that bed before a figure I
recognized came through the door.  Long outrageous robe, beard, half-moon
glasses, and twinkling eyes.  Anyone could recognize Headmaster Dumbledore. 
Still.  For safety, I wait a few moments before shimming out of my hiding
place.  He says nothing, as if he knew I was hiding and waiting for me to feel
comfortable enough to come out.  I pull the cloak off of me and hold it over my
arm.
“My boy.  Are you well?”  For the first time, I actually take note of my body. 
I don’t specifically hurt anywhere.  My head is burning, but that’s per usual. 
“I’m fine headmaster.  What happened?  Where am I?  How did they find me?”  His
calm friendly face is such a relief that I have to remind myself to not embrace
him.  The savoir of the wizarding world must never show fear.  Even if I’m
terrified.
“I’m afraid there is much we still do not know.  I was quite shocked to hear
from him about the raid on your dwelling.  For now, we will wait for Severus to
return.  We are fortunate that he was the one who found you.”
“Sir.  Are you sure we can trust him.  I mean.  He was with all of them.”
“Yes Harry, I understand your reluctance to trust Severus.  He is skilled at
hiding himself, but let us not forget he had the foresight to look for you and
deliver you to a place of safety.  I assure you, he is loyal to you.”  The way
he phrased it.  Does he mean because of my mother?  I saw it during our
occlumency lessons.  I infiltrated his mind and I saw him with her.  But he
hates me.  “For now, it’s imperative that you trust him more than ever.”
I’m about to ask him why it’s so important when a familiar crack sounds in the
room.  I can’t help but flinch.  I can feel the anger washing off of this
masked figure and if not for Dumbledore’s calmness, I can’t guarantee that I
would not be running right now.  The death eater… Snape throws the mask from
his face.
“The dark lord is seething and it will not be long until Potter is located
again.  Tell me that you have a plan.”  Snape isn’t looking at him.  All the
while his focused eyes are looking to his mentor.  Waiting for any explanation.
“I’m afraid my boy, that I do have a plan of action.  But neither of you will
like it.”  Old crinkled fingers pull at the hair on his chin.  “No my boy, you
will not like it one bit, but I fear that it’s the only option.  For what ever
reason, the safety of Harry’s muggle relatives has been extinguished.  We must
create another bond.  You know what I am asking of you Severus.”
Thundering rage.  While disagreeing often, Severus always at least shows a
level of respect towards the headmaster, but any respect he normally holds is
gone.
“Have you truly gone senile.  There must be another way.  Any other way.” 
“We do not have the time or the luxury of taking any chances Severus.”
 Dumbledore looks to me.  Eyes sizing me up he exhales showing just how tired
he truly is.  “Harry, my boy.  I fear that I must ask you.  Have you at this
point in your life engaged in any form of sexual conduct.”
“Sir?!”  This is not the time for a sex talk from the headmaster. 
“Potter.”  Snape isn’t looking at me.  “Just answer his question.”  The tone is
defeated and empty from all the fury from before.  “You must answer honestly. 
It is a matter of great consequence.” 
“I… no.  I haven’t done anything like that.”  I’ve not.  I honestly have had
difficulties even getting a decent kiss. 
“Then it seems we have a solution.  Severus.  Believe me.  It is the only way
to keep the boy hidden.”
“There must be someone else!”  Snape shouts. 
“My boy.  There isn’t.”  Dumbledore turns to me.  “Harry.  There is only one
way to keep you hidden from Voldemort under our circumstances.  We do not have
time or manpower to cast a Fidelius charm.  The mark that he left on you makes
it all to easy for him to search you out when you sleep.  We need to create a
bond.  A bond between a strong wizard and a virgin.”
“It’s dark magic!”  Snape shouts.  I never thought I would hear a protest like
that from my sour professor.
“Yes it is.  But dark magic is not inherently evil.”  Turning from Snape,
Dumbledore looks me dead on.  “Harry Potter my boy.  You must enter a soul bond
with Severus.”  Snape’s face is twisted in what looks like disgust. 
“A soul bond.  What’s that?”  Snape’s arms angrily fold over themselves.
“It means we’d have to have sex.”  He grounds out looking more than a little
displeased at the notion.  “And that our magic would be linked.  The kook
expects you to forgo any chance at marring or having children in favor of
living your life with me.”
“That’s..!”  I start.
“Believe me Potter, the thought is just as grotesque to me!”  He roars.  “And
what of the consequences Albus.”
“It isn’t fair to either of you.  Harry my boy, Severus is the only option. 
There are few witches or wizards that approach the level of untapped power that
lays dormant inside of you.  Severus is the closest in age to you while also
being able to protect you should the need arise.  There is no other option.  It
isn’t a fair choice that I am giving you to make, but should you refuse, it is
not likely we will be able to protect you from Voldemort, and without you.  I
fear the wrong side may win this war.”
“Manipulative old man.  Relying on his Gryffindor instincts to save everyone. 
Potter is still a boy.  A child.  He should not be condemned to this life.”
“What other option do we have Severus!”  Dumbledore shouts back losing his
calm.  “I would gladly hear any other choice that you can think of.  I am old
and do not have as many years left.  You could at least be a companion to him
even if it goes against both of your preferences.  I am not saying that it will
not be strained.  I am only saying that in war we do not have the luxury of
being comfortable.  Do we Severus.”  Dumbledore give Snape a meaningful look
and something akin to shame washes over Snape’s face.  He backs down.
“I have already sold my soul twice for this war.  The decision is his.”  Snape
says simply.  His eyes turn to me.  “But if he hurts me Albus, then it will not
be the dark lord that you have to worry about.”
 
***** The Consumation *****
Chapter Notes
     So.. I did all kinds of weird research for this one, but I will talk
     about it at the end notes to avoid spoilers. Onward my ducklings
See the end of the chapter for more notes
The three of us move to a different room.  It reminds me of a library.  Or what
might have once looked like a library if there were any books on the hauntingly
empty shelves.  The headmaster and I talk while Severus sits a bit away from us
with his arms crossed.  He strangely reminds me of a pouting child that is
reluctantly obeying his parent. 
“We are essentially going to create a similar but stronger bond to what existed
between you and your aunt.  Because your mother loved you greatly and your aunt
shared your blood, living there granted you safety.”  A thought that took me
much to long to realize screams in my head.
“My aunt!  Are they alright?”
“The dark lord is not ready to mobilize without obtaining the boy who lived. 
His ultimate goal is to remain in hiding until such time.  No lasting harm was
done to any of the muggles in that area and their memories were wiped.”  Snape
says distastefully.  I’m relieved.  Not that I particularly cared about my
relatives.  They certainly detested me.  But the three of them.  The dynamic of
that family wasn’t a bad one.  My Aunt and Uncle were loving parents, and my
cousin- though spoiled- loved them back. 
Moving back on track, Snape returns to his quiet pouting- and Dumbledore
returns to instructing me on this action that he wishes me to take.
“You would live here in Severus’s dwelling.”  So, this is where he lives.  It
makes sense that a sallow man like Snape would live in such a decaying home. 
“This will become your home as well if you agree to bond your soul to his.” 
I’m not locked in a cupboard yet, so I’d say it’s already an improvement. 
“Severus would continue being a spy.  At this point in the war more than ever,
it’s imperative for us to have as much information as possible.”
“Sir, I honestly don’t understand what a soul bond is, or what it means.” 
Dumbledore seems lost for words as how to best explain it.  It’s actually Snape
who answers my question.
“It is the magical equivalent of marrying someone.  Thus, why we would have to
have sex to consummate the union.  Dumbledore can essentially be considered a
‘Justice of the Peace’ and he would wed us.  Because of the ‘Love bond’” Snape
sneers at the phrasing. “it could recreate the bond that Lily had for you.  It
also is such a Slytherin action that the dark lord would not calculate this
rebuttal.  Soul bonds performed for gain are often considered to be dark in
nature and are rarely performed to this end outside of high class pure-blood
wizarding families that cannot take the chance of their son or daughter being
bonded to someone with lessor blood.  It is even less common for it to be done
between two men.  The dark lord would never predict this.”
“Can the bond be broken after the war?”  Dumbledore looks to Snape.  They both
seem to be having an unspoken argument. Snape glares back at him.  With a glare
focused completely on the headmaster, Snape exhales agitatedly.
“Yes.  I can break the bond.”  Snape concedes haughtily.  Dumbledore looks to
me for my decision and Snape looks farther away.
“I do not want to have my first time with Snape.”  Or have any time with him
for that matter.  “But It looks like I do not have much choice in the matter. 
As long as the bond can be broken when this war is over, then I agree.”  After
all, it’s just sex. 
“Do you also agree Severus?”  Snape looks like he’s being executed. 
“I agree.”  Dumbledore nods.  His wand in his hand, he swirls it clinically. 
For a half moment I feel my magic falling before returning to normal.  Snape
looks exhausted.
“It is done.  At that is left is for it to be consummated.”  Snape looks
green.  I try to not take offense to that.  I’m glad he’s not ecstatic about
having sex with me, but we don’t have much choice.  He could do worse.  Much
worse.  But I feel a little green as well.  “I will leave the two of you.  It
is late.  Consummate before either of you sleep.”  Dumbledore lays his hand on
Snape’s shoulder.  “I’m sorry my boy.  Believe that this is the only way.” 
Snape shrugs the hand off without a single word.  “I will be back tomorrow to
check in.”  I nod to him and he apparates away with a crack.  For a long while,
there is only silence.  Snape breaks it.
“Come along Potter.”  He doesn’t turn to look at me, but I follow him all the
same.  He opens a door; this bedroom looks to be in a better state than the
other I was in.  “This will be your room.”  He closes the door and I follow him
to another room down the hall.  This time when he opens the door we both go
inside.  “This is my room.  Wait here.  I will go and shower, then we will get
this horrid mess over with.  Hold your exhaustion.  Do not sleep or the dark
lord will more easily be able to find you.  Once the bond is consummated, you
can rest easy.  He will not be able to find you.”  He doesn’t leave me time to
argue or question. 
My bare feet feel cold.  That’s right, I don’t have any socks or shoes.  Or my
wand.  I’ll need to tell Dumbledore tomorrow.  I’m glad that I slept in my blue
jeans and one of my stretched-out shirts.  Occasionally I would sleep in just
my underwear and I certainly am glad to have some clothes at least.  I’ll need
more.  I look around my potion professor’s room.  It’s of the same caliber as
the one he presented as mine.  Not particularly nice, but relatively clean. 
It’s livable. 
My thoughts abruptly stop when Snape returns to his room.  He’s in a thick dark
blue bathrobe.  Without looking at me he sits reluctantly on the bed.
“A set of rules Potter.  The lights will remain off.  There will be no
unnecessary touching.  I will lay on my stomach and not move.  Do what you
must, finish quickly, and leave.  You will not attempt to harm me in any way or
I can guarantee your life will become much harder.  Do whatever you must to
finish as quickly and quietly as possible.  Have I made myself clear?”  The
shower has done nothing to clean off that layer of exhaustion that he seems to
emit, but at least I’ll know he’s clean.
“Yes sir.  Snape, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“That is of no consequence.  It does not have to be good, just quick.”  He
reiterates.  “And if you dare to ‘finish’ inside of me then I will see to it
that you are never able to ejaculate again.”  He mutters with a glare. 
I can’t believe I’m about to ask this.  “What about uh… preparation.  Since we
are both males, if the uh.. area isn’t.”  His jaw is set tightly.
“It has already been taken care of Potter.”  He says lowly.  “Now turn off the
lights so that we can get this over with.”  I don’t particularly want the
lights to be on, but the fear sets in again the moment I am in the dark. 
Tiptoeing carefully to the bed so that I do not stumble over anything, I
eventually manage to find the side of the bed.  Against my bare foot, I can
feel the soft material of a bath robe.  So he’s undressed then.  I shed my
clothes as well.  The noise is to loud in the otherwise quiet room.
I can hear his calculated breathing.  Raising and falling like a metronome. 
Once I undress, I climb on the bed.  Why must the magical world be so
complicated.  I never wanted or expected to be naked in a bed with my naked
professor.  Now to find him in the dark.  I reach my hand slowly trying to find
anything that might be him. 
Something that feels similar to a shoulder is under my hands.  He’s tense, but
his skin is soft and warm to the touch.  He isn’t a hard statue.  Under the
softness of the skin, I can feel jutting bones.  You don’t’ have to see Snape
naked to know he’s too thin.  “No unnecessary touching Potter!”  He growls
out. 
“Sorry.  It’s not exactly easy to see what I’m doing.”  I throw back.  He
doesn’t say anything in return.  Now that I know where he’s at, at least, I
straddle him like I’ve seen in pornos.  This is definitely not what I expected
to do.  “Uh.  Professor.  I’m not exactly uh.. hard.”
“Well don’t expect me to arouse you!  As far as I’m concerned, I’m not here.” 
His voice is restrained and detached.  I don’t want to do this.  “I’m not
here.”  He whispers quietly- more to himself than me. 
I grab my flaccid penis and attempt to get hard.  Yes, I don’t have to think of
it as having Sex with Snape.  When the war ends, he will break the bond, I’m
just practicing.  I try to think of who I would want to have sex with.  Yes, I
want a family, but my mind always skips over the idea of sex to get a child.
 There isn’t anyone in particular that I want to shag.  No on in particular
that ‘arouses’ me. 
I can feel the body under me shiver from cold.  It feels warm to me though.  I
can feel the soft curve of a rather small bottom.  The person under me is
narrow.  If I really think about it, I can think of him as a girl.  I don’t
really know if I want to think of him as a girl though.  Am I even attracted to
girls.  Sure, if I want a family I’ll have to shag a girl and get her pregnant,
I’ve always known that, but that’s the only reason I can think to why I would
shag a girl.  I don’t know that I’m particularly interested in shagging guys
either. 
“Stop thinking and put it in Potter!”  The angry tone pulls me from my
musings.  I pump myself a few times.  Is he aroused?  I mean I guess it doesn’t
matter.  This isn’t an act of pleasure so much as an act of necessity.  I
settle on not wanting to know if he’s aroused or not.  I’m thankful that it
doesn’t take much to become hard. 
Should I warn him that I’m going to start.  I suppose I should enter him
slowly, but he wants to just hurry and get it over with.  If I ask him, he’s
only going to get pissyer.  He expects me to just know. 
“I’m going to start now.”  I say simply.  I don’t say his name.  I don’t want
to think about that right now.  I think it doesn’t matter if it’s a girl or
guy.  I just want to find someone to love me.  I think that’ll be good enough. 
And if one day that person I find to really soul bond with happens to be a guy,
then I’m sure he will love me enough to be fine with adopting a child.  Yes.  I
think that’s what I want. 
I don’t pay much attention to if it feels good or not.  I suppose it does.  He
is soft around me.  I thrust fully into the body under my own.  He makes no
sounds, but his entire body is stiff.  Maybe I’m not doing it right.  I don’t
want this either, but I don’t want to be hurting him!  Isn’t it normal to want
to make your partner feel good.  I know he said no unnecessary touching, but… I
gently lay my hand over the bony shoulder.  “Sir, are you…” 
But his weak voice cuts me off.
“Potter, please just get this over with.”  The voice resonates with me.  It’s
not a voice filled with pleasure.  Or even one filled with anger.  It’s shaky
even though he says the words clearly.  “I’m not here.”  He whispers again, and
I know that it’s crazy and I know I’m not doing anything wrong, but it feels
like I’m assaulting him. 
Immediately I pull out.
I didn’t cum, and I’m completely flaccid again, but we had sex. 
“I’m done professor, I’m going to my room.”  The Gryffindor part of me want to
stay to see if he’s okay, but the part of me that was almost sorted into
Slytherin understands.  If I want to show him kindness right now, I have to
leave.  I don’t know what I was talked into doing to him, but clearly, I’ve
done something terrible. 
Chapter End Notes
     So like. I actually did reasearch on if it counts as consumation if
     the guy does not cum the first time. Lol. And naturally because it's
     the internet I saw lots of mixed opinions. For my purposes, yes. And
     honestly to me it makes sense yes guys tend to cum, but a lot of
     girls do not especially the first time... and that still counts so
     why not with guys also... and yea.
     Now about the story. Just as a warning, this story will likely be a
     slow burn. Yes. For those that are worried this will have a happy
     ending and eventually it will be fluffy and yay and all that, but to
     me for this story building the relationship between Harry and Severus
     is my goal. I don't want them to skip over friendship or
     understanding and go straight to lovers. yes they technically had
     sex, but it was loveless sex. Anywho just musing to myself.
***** Niffy: head elf *****
Chapter Notes
     I hope you all enjoy. Onward my ducklings.
I’m a light sleeper, I always have been.  So when a house elf appears in my
room, I’m fully awake before the magic even has time to settle. 
“Begging your pardon Master Potter sir.  I am Niffy, the head elf.”  She bows
lowly.  “If there is anything you would like or need, simply call me.  The
other elves are still in training and are not yet prepared to help master, but
Niffy will care for you.”  She talks calmly and clearly.  I’ve never met a
house elf like this.  She’s speaks well and confidently.  She is dressed in a
pretty blue flower-print dress instead of the customary tarp that I’ve seen all
other house elves wear.  Half of her body is twisted and gnarly looking and she
catches me staring.  “Never you mind Master Potter sir, Niffy is more than
capable of taking care of Master Potter.” 
She puts all of her weight on her uninjured side.  Her right arm looks
completely unusable, I don’t even know how she manages to stand.  I force
myself to not look any longer.  I don’t intend to be rude.  Did Snape do that
to her.  No.  He wouldn’t do something that cruel… at least I don’t think. 
Snape.  Is he okay.  Last night comes back to me. 
“Niffy, has Snape woken up yet?”
“Oh no, Sevey lays in most of the day when he can.”  Sevey?  Not Master Snape. 
Not Mater Severus… Sevey?  “Come along.  Niffy will find you something for
breakfast.”  My stomach growls at the word.  “And after Master Potter has
eaten, Niffy will give you the tour and introduce you to the other house
elves.”  This place isn’t that big, and Snape spends most of the year at
Hogwarts, I don’t know why he would need more than one.  And if the ‘head elf’
is this horribly stricken then I’m concerned about the others.
Niffy motions for me to take a seat on one of the rickety chairs at the
dilapidated table in the kitchen.  Most of this house seems to be in
disrepair.  The layer of grim coating everything makes me uncomfortable.  It
could do with a good scrubbing.  From top to bottom.  I very well may do that…
not for him so much as for me.  If I’m going to be living here, then I will be
living in a clean house.  Niffy carefully sets a plate in front of me.
“Begging your pardon Master Potter sir.  There is not much in the way of food;
Niffy is afraid that this is the best she can do at the moment.”  The pancakes
are simple enough.  Nothing fancy, but they taste heavenly.  She watches me
intently as I eat every bite.  It makes me uncomfortable. 
“Niffy.  Are you uh.. hungry?”  I’ve heard stories of masters withholding food
from their house elves.  I will not stand for that if that is the case, Snape
can just…
“Not at all Master Potter.  Niffy is just making sure you eat and not hide your
food like Sevey tries to do.”  I remember how boney that shoulder felt under my
hand.
“Does he hide his food often?”
“Never you mind that.  Master Potter needs to be concerned about Master Potter
eating.”  She smiles steadfastly at me.  “And Niffy will be concerned about
Sevey eating.”  She says this with a caring smile.  For whatever reason, she
seems to actually like Snape.  I finish eating and immediately she takes the
plate and promptly cleans it.  It appears difficult for her to do with her one
good arm.
“Niffy, I can clean that.”
“Absolutely not Master Potter.”  She hobbles down from the footstool in front
of the sink and takes my hand in her good one.  “Niffy will now show you where
everything is.”  I loosely hold her hand as she walks us out of the kitchen. 
“There is three floors.  On the ground floor, is the kitchen, the library, the
sitting room, your room of course.”  She is motioning to various doors.  “That
door is Sevey’s room, and the room across is the bathroom.”  Snape’s door is
firmly shut.  She pays it no mind as we hobble upstairs. 
“There is another bathroom right there.”  She motions to the end of a hall.
 “That door is the master bedroom, Sevey doesn’t like it in there.  He says
it’s to far away.  And that pink door.”  She looks thoughtful for a moment. 
“That pink door is the Princess’s room.  Everyone is forbidden to enter.  I do
not want Snapey getting mad at you for snooping, so stay away from there.”  I
nod to her.  “I am serious Master Potter.  There is not quicker way to upset
him.  I understand you are a curious young boy, I can respect that.  Sevey has
always been very curious too, but do not tamper with the Princess’s room”
“I wasn’t aware that there was anyone else living here.”  She shakes her head.
“No.  The princess hasn’t lived here in a very long time.”  She squeezes my
hand and brings me back to the stairs.  All the way down we come to what must
have been a basement at one point.  It is now sectioned off into two parts.  A
large lab, and a room. 
“That room is where Niffy and the other elves live.  This is Sevey’s lab.” 
This is the first room I’ve seen in this house that actually seems to be
decently taken care of.  It makes sense why the library shelves were empty, it
seems that all of the books have been relocated to the shelves down here. 
“This room is actually pretty new.  Everything considered.”  She leads me to
the room, but has to let go of my hand to open the door.  She motions me
inside. 
There are four small beds, two on each side.  Three house elves are sitting on
one of the beds talking.  Niffy leads me to the small things.  All three are
young.  Much to young.  The oldest of the three doesn’t even look at me. 
Instead he stares blankly at the wall. 
“Brux, introduce yourself to Master Potter.”  Niffy says patiently.  He doesn’t
turn to look at me. 
“Master Potter, my name is Brux and I hope to be of help one day.”  He stares
unblinking and I realize all at once.  He’s blind.  Like Niffy, he’s wearing
respectable clothing-albeit a size to large like he’s a child playing dress
up. 
“It is nice to meet you Brux.”  He actually smiles. 
“Z… Z… Z… ZE..Zend.”  The next manages.  “M… Ma.. master P.. Potter.”  He bows
respectfully.
The youngest of the three walks up to me.  A little girl.  I can tell by the
pink and yellow dress she’s wearing. 
“Wenwen!”  She says excitedly.  Niffy pats her head. 
“This little one’s name is Wendy.” 
“It is nice to meet all of you.”  I say.  Niffy grabs my hand again. 
“Brux, your task is to help Zend and Wendy with their speech.”
“Yes mother.” 
“By by mama!”  Wendy waves and returns to sitting on the bed.  As we leave, I
can hear Brux saying a sentence and the other two trying to repeat it.
“It is on the top.”
“ii. Ii”
“It top!”
Niffy leads me to the library. 
“Do you have any questions Master Harry?”  She says easily. 
“Niffy.  I don’t mean to be rude.  I really don’t, but all of the elves here…”
“Are flawed.”  She finishes.  “Yes, all of us have deficiencies.”  She smiles
sadly.  “Especially poor Wendy.  I have adopted those three as my children, all
three were unwanted.  Brux is blind, Zend stutters really badly, and Wendy,
well.  Wendy is one of the few house elves born that do not possess any magic. 
Their original masters did not want them.  As my original master did not want
me.  Master Potter.  This house may not be grand, but it is our home.  I would
thank you to respect that.”  We hear banging from down the hall. 
He rushes in, death eater robes and mask.  It nearly gives me a heart attack
before I remember.  He doesn’t look at me. 
“Niffy, I have been summoned.  Please tend to Potter’s needs until I return. 
As per the norm, no one is welcome here until I have returned.”
“Yes Sevey, Niffy will protect.” 
“Professor Snape.”  Begrudgingly he looks at me.  Even through the mask I can
tell that he’s glaring daggers.  Daring me to question him about last night. 
“Be safe.”  He’s quiet for a moment.
“Tch.  I do not need you well wishes Potter.”  And he’s gone. 
***** While the master's away *****
Chapter Notes
     I have been very focussed on this story. I hope all of you are
     enjoying it. Onward my ducklings.
Snape is gone and I’m left in his home.  Niffy bows to me and dismisses
herself.  I’m more or less alone.  Wandering around, I see a cupboard under the
stairs.  How did I not notice that the first time?  When I look inside, it’s a
bunch of old muggle cleaning stuffs.  Most of the cleaning chemicals are
unusable- many appeared to have expired twenty years ago.  I leave them and opt
for taking the broom. 
I’ll start with giving the place a good sweeping and go from there.  I’m only
about half way through sweeping my room when I hear Dumbledore’s voice.
“It is quite alright for me to be here Niffy.”  I open the door.  The twisted
house elf is standing her ground.
“Rules is, no one is allowed here while Master Snape is away.  No exceptions. 
You is going now, Niffy will tell Master Snape that you is coming by.” 
Dumbledore is standing just beyond the door.  Niffy, a tenth his size, blocks
the way.
“Let me at least speak with young Harry first.”  He steps past her.  The little
elf snaps her fingers and Dumbledore appears on the other side of the threshold
again.  “Niffy, speaking with Harry is of great importance.”
“Master’s orders.  No exceptions.”
“Severus sure has encouraged his elf to be quite paranoid.”  He chuckles
lightly. 
“Trust gets you betrayed.  You is leaving now.”  Dumbledore notices me.  He’s
about to say something when Niffy promptly closes the door.  “Master Potter.” 
The respectful tone returns.  “You are keeping busy I see.  Niffy can assist.” 
She motions to the layer of dust coating my front.
“Is it really okay to not let Dumbledore in.”
“Sevey said that no one is permitted while he is away.  No exceptions.”  The
other three elves come running out. 
“Has he left?”  The oldest questions. 
“Yes.  He will not return until Sevey is back.”  She looks to me.  “My children
are a secret.”  She holds one of her fingers up to her mouth.  “Shh.”  Then
smiling she looks at her adopted children.  “Master Potter is wanting the house
clean.”
“Yes mama.”  Brux says simply.  “Wendy, Zend and I will work upstairs.” 
“Good.  Master Potter and I will start on this floor.”
“I can manage on my own.  There is no reason all of you should have to help
me.”  Niffy looks me straight in the eyes. 
“Niffy is not worthless.  Niffy’s children are not worthless.”  She speaks to
me the same as she was to Dumbledore.  “Niffy is head elf.”
“I don’t think you are worthless!”  I’m holding my hands up nonthreateningly. 
“Master Potter simply thinks that Niffy is disabled and unable to help.”
“Niffy, I didn’t mean anything bad about it.  I’m just not use to having help
is all.”  Slowly Niffy smiles. 
“Master Potter has never had anyone tend to him.”  She laughs lightly.  “I
think maybe Sevey did choose a good soul bond then.  Sevey has never had anyone
tend to him either.  But Niffy wants to take care of her masters.  Both of
them.”
And so Niffy and her children helped me start on the long process of de-griming
the house.  We aren’t near done when Snape appears.  His mask and long robes
are removed and handed to Niffy.  Stiffly he stands. 
“Sevey, you are back quickly.”
“The dark lord is searching for Potter.  He is displeased.  All of the death
eaters are actively searching for him.”  He exhales slowly.  Blinking he looks
at me.  “You are filthy Potter.”  I flinch at the words before realizing what
he means.  Dust and other filth is covering my clothing.
“I don’t have any other clothing.  I don’t have anything sir.  Even my wand was
left at my relatives.  I haven’t had the chance to tell you until now.”  I
quickly add. 
“Niffy.  Go into that room and see if you can find anything adequate for Potter
to wear.”  Niffy disappears and Snape looks at me.  “As for your wand, I have
not head the dark lord mention that your wand was retrieved.”
“I doubt they would have found it sir.  At Hogwarts, I sleep with It under my
pillow, but at my Uncle’s I can’t keep it in an easy to find place.  It’s
hidden under one of the floorboards.”  He nods.
“Tomorrow we will venture to get it and any other of your belongings.  We will
need to see to it that food is in the pantry.”  He leans against the wall
tiredly but flinches when his back actually touches the wall.
“Sir?  Are you alright.”  Niffy returns.
“Niffy has placed the clothes that are likely to fit Master Potter on his bed. 
Sevey, Albus Dumbledore paid a visit, but Niffy sent him away, shall I floo
call him and tell him of your return.”
“Not at this moment.  I need a shower first.”  She nods.  “And Niffy,” Snape
darts his eyes over to me for a split moment before returning to looking at the
elf.  “Send me Zend.”  Her mouth is in a thin line. 
“Yes sir.”  She vanishes and I’m left with my soul bond. 
“Professor, I think we should discuss…”
“Potter.  There is nothing for us to discuss.”  He walks to the bathroom
managing to slightly hide a limp. 
“Master Potter.”  Niffy nudges my arm.
“Niffy.  Please.  You don’t have to call me Master.  I’m just Harry.”  She
looks thoughtful for a moment. 
“Harry, while Niffy prepares a bit of luncheon, please feel free to take a
shower upstairs.”  She smiles sweetly and I do as…. My house elf instructs. 
On my bed are several articles of clothing, but mostly odds and ends.  Some
well-worn black pajama bottoms, a few shirts.  I grab a nice reddish colored
shirt.  It’ll be a bit large on me, but that’s fairly normal. 
I can hear the shower in the bathroom on this level.  His hair looked clean
this morning.  I wonder if it always has that oily color because of the brewing
he does.  The upstairs bathroom is much nicer than the one down stairs. 
Everything on this level seems to be in better condition.  I don’t understand
why Snape chooses to stay in the ill-repaired rooms. 
The hot water feels amazing.  I’m in the middle of washing my hair when I feel
a sharp pain all throughout my body.  I nearly collapse under the amount of
pain, but it lasts for only a moment before it’s gone.  What was that.  Did I
turn poorly, or sleep on something wrong?  But the pain is gone as quickly as
it came. 
I finish up bathing, glad to be clean.  Hair still damp, I walk to the
kitchen.  Just as I walk in, Niffy sets a bowl down.  I take the same seat that
I did this morning. 
“Good good.  Harry is looking all squeaky clean.  Niffy will go and get
Sevey.”  In the bowl is a thick hardy soup.  I touch the tip of the spoon to my
lips and it tastes pretty good.  I manage two more bites when I hear Snape in
the other room.
“I’ll eat later Niffy.”
“No, you is eating now.  You eat lunch at lunch time.”  I can hear her
chastising him.  “Niffy will not take no for an answer.  Snapey is eating
now.”  I hear him loudly grumbling and complaining, but a moment later he is
reluctantly sitting in the open chair.
She presents him a bowl of the same soup.  Blandly, he stirs the soup, but
never takes any bites. 
“It is very good Niffy.”  He says to pacify her. 
“You hasn’t had any yet.”  She says without turning around.  While eating my
own lunch, I halfway watch him bring the spoon to his lips and then lower it
without taking a bite.  He does this several times.
He stands after several minutes of not eating.  “I cannot possibly eat anymore
Niffy.”  And he leaves.  The house elf sighs while looking at the uneaten food.
“Maybe he just doesn’t like the soup.”  I offer.  “I’m sure there is something
he really likes that you’ll be able to get him to eat.”  She slowly shakes her
head.
“No sir.  This is his favorite.”  Her finger touches the outside rim of the
bowl.  “Sevey wouldn’t be hungry right now, but Niffy can try.”  She exhales. 
“Niffy must contact Albus Dumbledore now.” 
When she leaves, I continue eating.  I don’t see how anyone could waste food
like this.  But I doubt he could understand what it’s like to have to go
without it.  When I finish, I take what he didn’t eat… meaning all of it and
pour it back into the pot on the stove.  We will eat the rest of it later. 
Maybe Niffy is right and he just isn’t hungry right now. 
I go to the library and Snape is seated in one of the highbacked chairs.  He
actively looks at me when I enter.  I’m not really sure what I should do right
now.  Should I wait for Dumbledore here with Snape or go back to my room… My
room… I keep calling it that, but can I really consider it mine. 
“Potter, do not look into these words as anything more than an unfortunate
fact.  This is your home for the time being; so, stop skulking around
skittishly, it isn’t you and it’s infuriating.  Just do as you please, rest
assured I cannot take points from your house until term has resumed.”  His
holds a certain level of reluctance, but he seems to at least be speaking
honeslty. 
“I’m sorry that you’ve had to share your home with me.  I know this isn’t an
ideal situation for you either.”  He looks ragged and not at all refreshed by
the shower.  His hair is still damp and sticking to his narrow face.  His eyes
are clear though.  “I know you didn’t want to enter a soul bond with me, but as
soon as the war is over, I’ll get out of your hair.”  He nods slowly.
“Yes.  Just as soon as the war is over, I’ll break the bond Potter.” 
***** a truce *****
Chapter Notes
     It's like 4 a.m. I should sleep... but another chapter!!!! onward my
     ducklings.
“Harry my boy.”  Dumbledore says lightly.  “Severus.  How is your first day
being bonded.”  Snape leans come comfortably in the seat. 
“The dark lord is furious that he cannot sense Potter any longer.  Have you
discovered any reason as to why the bond between Potter and his relatives was
broken?”
“No.  He should have been protected until he reached the age of eighteen, and
thus could no longer call that place home.”  Home.  Did I… was the raid my
fault.  Because I didn’t consider that place home.  Because my relatives hated
me. 
“Tomorrow, Potter and I will be venturing back to that muggle home to retrieve
his belonging.  Knowing that he is not in the area, the other death eaters have
given up on that location in favor of searching any other dwelling he could be
at.  I ask that you relocate Hermione Granger and the Weasley’s.  The dark lord
is not above using them to fish out Potter.  He has not yet thought of that,
but in time he will.  And we cannot trust Potter to stay put if his friends are
in danger.”
“No.  You can’t.”  I say flatly. 
“Yes.  I will see to that at once.  Harry’s protection was our primary
concern.”
“Rest assured, he is safe.  Bonded to me, the dark lord will not be able to
invade his dreams and search him out.”  Dumbledore nods. 
“Good.  Since the two of you will be spending a large quantity of time
together, I suggest returning to Occlumency practice, and perhaps dueling as
well to sharpen his skills.”
The idle chatter continues, and then Dumbledore leaves and I’m left alone with
Snape again.  Niffy calls us to eat dinner, and this time Snape actually eats a
few bites.  Not much mind you, but at least I know he does eat sometimes.  He
excuses himself part way through his bowl and Niffy actually looks pleased that
he’s eaten at all.  I finish my meal and then join Snape in the empty library. 
He’s playing a game of wizard’s chess by himself.  He makes his move and
boredly watches the opposing side make it’s move. I watch a few rounds until
Snape checkmates the other side.  All of the rubble reforms into the pieces. 
“Can I play a game with you.”  My voice pulls his eyes to me.  Why did I say
that?  I stink at chess.
“If you would like.”  I take a seat.  The white pieces.  I move my pawn. 
“Do you like chess?”  I ask lightly.  I’m trying to be civil.  If he can be
civil, I can be.  And it looks like we will be stuck with each other for a
while.
“No.”  He responds curtly.  He moves his knight. 
“Why play it then?” 
“Because life is a game of chess.”  He doesn’t seem to be paying attention to
me. 
“Ballocks.”  I move another pawn.  “Life isn’t a game of chess.  That’s a very
negative outlook.”
“No.  it’s a very realistic one.  This entire war.  It’s simply one king
against the other.”  I watch his fingers elegantly touch the top of one of his
rooks. 
“I’m not king.” I say.  He shakes his head slowly.  His long hair sways
slightly. 
“No.  You are a pawn.  The Dark lord and Albus Dumbledore are in a war with
each other.  To each of them, their underlings are just pawns.”
“I’m not a pawn either.”  I say agitatedly.  This is what I get for trying to
be nice.
“You are a pawn.  Just, a very useful one.  You would be the queen.”  He
lightly touches it and it moves to the place he instructs.  “You are the most
important pawn.  The most powerful.  The most threatening.”
“Then what are you?”  I ask carefully.
“I would be the knight.  Not the most important, but certainly the most
versatile.  Able to go behind enemy lines and simply blend in.”  He uses his
knight to checkmate me.  I didn’t even see it coming. 
“Sir.  You are loyal to Dumbledore.  Right?”
“I am loyal to whichever side the dark lord is not on.  As of right now, the
only other side is the one where Dumbledore is king.  But do not be deceived. 
He is a man and not an infallible one.”  He resets the board.  “There are only
two kings, but should there one day be another king on the side of the light, I
would likely join their forces.”  He looks at me intently.  “If you were the
king, I would be your knight.”  The words sound almost kind on his tongue, but
he brings me back almost immediately.  “Unfortunately, any army you would build
would likely fall to disarray under such leadership.”
“Just because I’m not good at chess doesn’t mean that I would fail to keep
those under me safe.”
“Rest assured Potter, you will not have that burden.” 
“Can I ask you something.”  He sizes me up.
“No.  I am not in the mood to be questioned.”  His tone is cold and
threatening.  Daring me to question him.  He will not allow himself to be put
in a vulnerable situation.
“I know you aren’t evil.”  Those clear dark eyes intently search my face for
anything additional information.  “I know that you’ve done a lot for
Dumbledore.  And a lot for me.”
“Potter.  You are mistaken.  I absolutely detest you, but you are simply the
lesser of two evils.  I can manage your annoyances well enough.  Even if it’s
only just being able to tolerate them.  The dark lord’s reign must be put to an
end.  Whatever means need to be done to accomplish that.”  He’s no longer
looking at me and he’s speaking quieter.  “The bond is set Potter, you do not
need to feel obligated to treat me any different that I normally ask.  Respect
is all I require, niceties I have no use for.”
“If we are going to be spending a lot of time around each other anyways though,
we might as well try to get along.”
“I have no desire to ‘play nice’ Potter.”
“Why do you talk so badly to me.  I’m trying to be nice.  I’m being
respectful.  I’m not asking you questions even though I damn well have a right
to know.”
“You do not have a right to know anything about me.”  He stands abruptly, voice
thundering.  He’s entered into his authoritative role.  His pale face is
flushed hotly with rage. 
“I’m not your enemy Snape!  We are bonded.  You’ve saved me.  You were friends
with my mom.  You parade around as this awful git at school and then you take
in house elves that most wizards would not want.  You walk around with such an
aura of confidence and then when in bed with me you were acting as if….”
“Do not say another word.”  His palms slam down on the chess table and pieces
fly.  “Do not say another word.”  He repeats, but this time must quieter.  That
tone startles me more than the loud one.  Immediately I back down some.  I do
not like hearing that defeated tone. 
“I just want to get to know you.  That’s all I’m trying to do Snape.  You said
that this is my home and to stop tiptoeing around.  If you really mean that,
then let me think of this as home.  My aunt’s… that wasn’t home.”  I look away
from him as he locks eyes with me.
“You broke the bond didn’t you.”  He says in unabashed awe.
“I don’t know.  I didn’t even know that I could.  The night before the raid.  I
was think about how that place wasn’t home.  I swear I didn’t mean to break the
bond.  It isn’t my fault.  That place was awful. It was hell. ” He scoffs.
“From one hell to another eh Potter?  You should not have been a simple case of
breaking it.”  He’s eyes narrow in thought.
“This place already feels more like a home than that one ever did.  Niffy
actually chastised me today.”
“Yes, she does tend to do that.  I might have encouraged her to be a bit to out
spoken.” 
“She really respects you.  She actually sent Dumbledore away.”  He nods slowly.
“Niffy possess a high level of magic.  Not that her original owners knew that. 
She was still young when she was injured, but she is very loyal to those that
she puts her trust.”
“How did she get injured?”  I find myself asking.
“That isn’t something for me to tell.  It is not any of my business, and it is
not any of yours.  If you ask her, she might tell you, but that is between her
and you.  The same is true for the other elves.” 
“Professor, I won’t ask you a lot of questions.  I know there are things you
don’t want me asking about, and I know you don’t like me, but this is all
temporary.  Just until the war is over, can we just have a truce.  We can both
be civil.”  He exhales exaggeratedly. 
“I might can manage to be civil, but I will not promise anything.  You have a
knack for being completely infuriating.”  He waves his wand and all the pieces
return to the board.  “But I should be able to manage to not bite your head off
for simply existing.”
“That’s good enough for me.”
***** Back to the Dursley's *****
Chapter Notes
     I'm surprised at how many seem to be enjoying this story. Onward my
     ducklings.
That night, an overwhelming sense of dread just seems to leak into my bones. 
Panic rises and then falls.  At moments I feel I can’t breathe.  I’ve never
experienced this before.  After what feels like forever, the moment passes. 
Just as I turn in my bed to try to find a better position to sleep in, I hear
the door open.
“Harhar no sleep?”  Little Wendy scampers up to me and climbs in the bed with a
level of difficulty.  I help the little thing.
“You do not have to be worried Wendy.  I just can’t sleep.”  She nods.
“Lay down, close eyes.”  I smile at the authoritative tone and do as she say. 
Sitting cross legged beside me, her tiny hand gently strokes my hair.  With
closed eyes, I hear her humming strongly and clearly.  There are no words, but
something about it fills me with peace.  I can’t find myself from falling into
sleep. 
My dreams are not free of nightmares, but just as the themes get to difficult
to bare, a strong voice will begin humming in my ear again.  My mother will be
holding me as an infant, and I can hear her screams as she is murdered, but the
humming brings me back to clarity.  This is just a dream.  A painfully scary
one, but just a dream. 
There are moments of my dream that do not make sense to me.  An angry looking
man striking me.  A woman holding a child and crying while looking at me.  I
can see her mouthing words, but I can’t tell what she is saying for all the
humming.  The woman and small child leave and the man angrily slaps me across
my face.  He grabs my wrist and I’m trying to yank away from him.  I’m
terrified, but the humming brings me back.
Groggily, I open my eyes.  Wendy is sleeping beside me unconsciously humming. 
She stayed all night. I detach the small hands from my arm and pull the
blankets around her.   Just as I’m about to leave the room, Niffy
materializes. 
She takes a quick look to the bed.
“I was wondering where she had done gotten off to.  She wasn’t in Sevey’s
room.”
“Does she stay in his room a lot?”  Niffy’s mouth is pulled into a straight
line.
“It is time to start the day Harry.  Please.  Quickly get dressed, I will see
to it that Sevey has woken up.”  She vanishes.  Niffy didn’t answer my
question.  She looked as though she never had any intention too. 
Little Wendy looks so small in that great big bed.  She’s snoring lighting
still occasionally humming.  I’ll have to wear the jeans that I came here in. 
I’m surprised to find them washed.  Niffy must have taken care of it.  I choose
one of the other shirts that she found for me, and dress quickly.  I’m
desperate for some clean underpants.  I take the ones I have on off.  I detest
going without them, but I simply cannot wear the filthy things anymore. 
At the breakfast table, Snape is looking even more exhausted.  He can’t seem to
even keep his eyes open as his hand curls around a cup of tea.  He hasn’t
noticed me yet.  Niffy tops off the partially drank up and then sets down the
pop just long enough to ruffle his hair affectionately. 
“Sevey, don’t be rude.  Harry is here.”  Blinkingly he looks at me.  Niffy
places a plate in front of me and a plate in front of Snape.  More hotcakes. 
While I eat, Snape pokes it with his fork.  For every five time he brings the
fork to his mouth, he only seems to actually eat the food once.  He pushes his
plate away.
“I cannot eat anymore Niffy.”  He says simply.  She looks at the barely touched
food and sighs. 
“It isn’t good to waste food.”  I find myself saying.  Both look at me.  I feel
like Hagrid… I shouldn’t have said that.  I should have just kept my mouth
closed and minded my own business.  “There are lots that go hungry.”
“And me eating or not does not make a bit of difference.”  Snape says with
ease.  “I have eaten my fill.”  So much food is still on his plate.  It
hurts.”  He stands and leaves.  Niffy is about to scape the food in the trash.
“I’ll eat it Niffy.”  She sizes me up.
“Harry, there is no reason.  If Harry would like more food then,”
“No.  Just that will be fine.  Niffy, I really do not like wasted food.”  I
can’t bring myself to say more on that.  “But uh, can we just keep this between
us.”  She nods slowly, but doesn’t throw away the food. 
I’m completely stuffed by the end of it.  I’ll ask Niffy to start making
smaller portions for us, so that less is being wasted. 
Snape is wearing muggle clothing.  Blue jeans and a dark blue long-sleeved
shirt.  It actually suits him.  His dark hair is pulled back into a messy
ponytail.  “Are you prepared to retrieve your belongings?”  He asks.
“Is it really safe for me to leave this place.  I mean.  I’m in hiding right.”
“No harm can be done to you in my presence Potter.”  That’s right.  The bond.
“How does that work exactly.”
“You do not need to be bored with the finer mechanics of it, just trust that no
harm can be done to you.”  He holds out his arm and I take it.  I feel that
sick twist in my gut as we disapparate.  Even once we’ve appeared, I can’t let
go of his arm for fear of collapsing.  I’m waiting for him to make some cold
remark, but true to our deal for a truce, he patiently waits for me to regain
my balance.  He doesn’t move until I take my hand from his sleeve. 
I don’t want to be here.  I hope they do not say anything… humiliating in front
of him.  I stay beside him up the walk and when he knocks on the door, I
actually flinch.  They are just people.  They cannot hurt me.  If Snape notices
my discomfort, he says nothing.
My aunt actually opens the door.  She sees the two of us and focusses her glare
on Snape.
“You horrible man!”
“It certainly has been a while Tunie.  Young Harry needs his belongings.  We
will simply retrieve them and leave.”  His face is twisted into a mock smile. 
“Neither of you are welcome here.”  His eyes become narrower as his smile
stretches.  It’s unnerving. 
“Tunie, the way you are talking is very unbecoming.  I’m certain you would
prefer us getting what we came for and leaving before your husband shows up. 
Not that it makes any difference to me.  I would love to meet the man that was
willing to look past all of your indiscretions in your youth.”  Her face is
completely pale.  “Surely you aren’t keeping secrets such as them from you
husband.”  He tisks at her.
“I can’t believe they would let someone like you around children.”  She throws
back.  “After all.  The way you were raised.  Are you still living in that run-
down house with your alcoholic of a dad?”  Her uppity tone is full of distain.
“’Fraid dad died a long time ago Tunie.  Shame you never got to meet him.  He
certainly loved young girls.”  She looks green.  His arms are crossed waiting
for her to make any response. 
“Just leave before Vernon comes back.  I do not want to see either of you in my
house again.”  She looks down at me, then steps out of the way.  My aunt
doesn’t hover around us.  I knew that Snape knew my mother, it makes sense that
he would also know my aunt though.  They certainly do not like each other. 
Snape follows me up the stairs to the room that I stayed it.  He doesn’t
comment when he sees the sparse room.  I go into the closet and throw all of my
clothes on the bed… it’s a pathetic amount.  He quietly observes me as I find
all of the things in their hiding spots.  My clothes are shoved in the trunk.”
“Did you not have an Owl?”  He questions.
“I was afraid that Hedwig would be mistreated, She stays at Hogwarts for
safety.”  He nods slowly.  In the corner of the room, I pry to loose floorboard
up.  Inside is my wand and the Marauder’s map.  My wand in my back pocket and
the map in my trunk, I’m ready.  “That’s everything.”  I say soundly.  Snape
grabs my trunk and shrinks it down; he then hands it to me and I place it in my
pocket.  Downstairs I pause.  “Before we leave, can I just do one more thing.” 
Again, he nods.  He doesn’t comment when I open up the cupboard.  Or when I
crawl inside.  I don’t want to have to explain this to him.
I only give myself a minute curled into that small space.  It was my prison and
my safe space.  It feels strange knowing that I’ll never lay here again. 
With a cruel smile, Snape waves to my aunt and we leave.
“Snape about what I did… with the cupboard.”  This is uncomfortable.
“It is no business of mine Potter.  I have an intimate understanding of
privacy.  If there is something you do not wish to tell me, then don’t. 
Otherwise.  You will choose to tell me should you make that decision.” 
“You knew my aunt.”  I say changing the subject.
“Yes, but it has been many years.  People certainly do change.”
“I guess, you and my mom lived close when you were children.”
“Yes, she did not live far.”
“I would love to see where she grew up.”  I say before I can stop myself. 
“You can see it from your window.  The white house on the end.  The one across
the river.”  I pause in my footsteps.  I didn’t realize that we were living in
his childhood home.   
***** Like father like son *****
Chapter Notes
     Harry done messed up. Onward my ducklings.
Snape and I settle into a loose routine.  I wake up early like I’m use to.  The
house elves and I clean.  Severus lays in and does not typically wake up until
nearly eleven.  Unless he’s been summoned.  I hear him coming and going at all
hours, but he rarely has anything to report.  Voldemort summons him a lot. 
Sometimes Snape is gone for an hour and sometimes he’s gone all night.
Typically, during the day, Snape is here.  Around eleven, Niffy wakes him and
has both Snape and myself eat lunch.  Afterwards, Snape will go downstairs to
his lab and brew for a few hours.  Promptly afterwards, he always takes a long
shower.  He really is a creature of habit.  Sometimes he and I will play chess-
I never win. 
Sometimes he’s in a decent mood and willing to talk, other times he stiffly
ignores me.  I think I prefer angry outburst to being ignored.  For the most
part, Snape has been true to his agreement for truce. 
Right now, he’s not up for a game of chess and there is nothing to do.  He’s
reading something.  I’m not really sure what, the cover isn’t in a language I
know.
“Cor aut Mors?”  I try to words on my lips.  He doesn’t look up from the pages
but answers my unspoken question.
“The language is Latin.”  He says simply.  “Latin is the birth of all
languages.  Most spells are derived from Latin.  It is a language that you
would do well to learn.”  He turns a page and mutters to himself.  “Not that
you would ever willingly commit yourself to learning something useful.”  I
don’t rise to his bait. 
“Can you read any other languages?”  I ask instead.
“I am moderately fluent in seven languages.  I could not pass for a native
speaker, but I can understand the language enough to get the meaning in a
conversation.”
“Why.”
“Why what Potter?”
“Why try to learn more languages that you have no need for.”  He closes the
book, holding the page with his finger.
“No one can predict what skills you will need in the future.  Should I would
day need to know Latin, I have the bones to muddle though, which is far better
than venturing ahead blindly.  The languages that I have chosen to learn have
not necessarily been ones that I would have chosen myself, but occasionally I
come across an ancient text, and if I wish to read it, I must know the language
enough to read it.  Latin is a common language that ancient texts are written
in.” 
I want to question him further, but his hand clasps around his left wrist.  A
twinge of pain settles on his features.
“I am being summoned.  Tell Niffy that I will not be needing lunch.”  He
summons his robes and his mask.  The horribly misshapen look of it.  The mask
truly does remind me of someone being tortured. 
“Snape, be safe.”  He doesn’t say anything as he vanishes before my eyes.  The
book he was reading lays innocent in his chair.  “Cor aut Mors.”  I open the
books, and it just looks like words jumbled together.  I can’t understand it. 
“Harry, where has Sevey gotten off too.”  Niffy asks as she comes into the room
“He was summoned, he said that he will not be needing lunch.”  I wonder how
long he will be gone this time, I think to myself.  She hums softly. 
“Very well.  Niffy is going to lay down for a quick rest.  Simply summon Niffy
if you is needing anything.”  I take another look at the book.  He seemed
enamored by this book.  He was very intently reading the contents of it.  I
find myself wondering around this humble place. 
So, this is where Snape grew up.  I go upstairs.  The master bedroom.  I
suppose that was his parents.  He said that his dad is dead.  I wonder if his
mom is still out there somewhere.  I would think she would want to know that
her son is in a soul bond.  But he hasn’t mentioned her once.  I open the door
to the master bedroom.  It’s in fairly good condition.  Naturally there is a
thick layer of dust from disuse, but the furniture is actually relatively good
quality.  The bed is made as if the owner of it could come home any minute. 
Across from the bed is a chest of drawers with a grand mirror over it. 
I’ve known Professor Snape as a teacher for six years.  But I don’t really know
anything about him.  I know he’s a private man.  I know he can be quick to
anger.  I know he was close to my mom and that my dad hated him.  But I don’t
know anything about him, just part of things that have happened in his life.  I
leave the room and close it behind me. 
He acts as though this part of the house doesn’t exist.  There have been a few
times that I have been using the loo and he’s impatiently waiting at the door. 
If he really needs to go, why not just go to the one upstairs.  But I’ve never
seen him go up there.  Or even talk about any of the rooms up there. 
The perpetually closed door tempts me. 
Niffy said that it was the Princess’s room.  Whatever that means.  But who ever
the Princess is, she hasn’t lived here in a very long time.  I touch the door
and I don’t feel any magic on it.  When I grab the door knob there is no
stinging hex.  It’s not even locked.  It just innocently exists as if nothing
about it at all is special. 
I’m not sure if I should do this.  Niffy said this room was forbidden, but
Snape said that this is my home.  It’s just a room.  A room that Niffy says is
important to Snape, but Snape pretends doesn’t exist.  If I’m going to enter
this room, now is the time to do it.  When Snape is away and Niffy is asleep. 
I shouldn’t.  I know he wouldn’t want me in this room.    But I’m soul bonded
to a man that is a complete mystery.  I turn the handle. 
The room is pink.  From the celling to the plush pink carpet.  There are plush
toys littered across the floor.  A tiny pink and white rug lays in the center
of the room.  Against the wall is a changing table and a crib, both in white. 
Above the crib is a mobile of stars and clouds.  The walls are a pinkish sunset
and the first glimmers of stars are starting to show. 
The room is completely clean.  There isn’t even any dust.  Which makes little
sense because even the elves do not come in here, so the only explanation is
that Snape is cleaning it himself.  The room was obviously meant for a little
girl, and a young one.  Which makes even less sense because Niffy said the
Princess hasn’t lived here in a very long time.  I know this was his childhood
home.  Was it a younger sister?  Or maybe he has a daughter.  That doesn’t make
any sense though.  Snape wouldn’t have any children.  He bloody hates kids and
that would mean that he’s had to have been with a lady at one point or
another.  But nothing else makes sense.  If he does have a daughter, why isn’t
she living here. 
“You aren’t allowed to be in this room.”  The voice behind me is chilling.  I
can’t bring myself to turn around.  I can’t bring myself to face him.  I hear
his calm deep voice repeat.  “You aren’t allowed to be in this room.  I know
Niffy told you.” 
“Snape.  I was just…”
“You were leaving.”  The anger is thinly veiled by a calm tone.  But I can feel
the rage underneath the surface.
“Snape, I’m sorry.  I know that….”
“GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.”  Something loudly crashes into the wall and I notice
that whatever it was didn’t brake despite how hard it was thrown.  I turn to
hurriedly go and hide in my room, but I can’t help but take in the sight of
him.  He’s leaning against the wall, there is blood across his cheek and
staining his robe.  When I look to the object that he threw, it’s the mask I
see.  “I said get out.”  He growls. 
“Snape, let me explain myself.”  I manage to stammer out.  There isn’t much I
can explain.  I messed up.  Why do I always go where I’m forbidden to be?
“This was the only place you were not permitted.”  His eyes are cloudy from the
pain. 
“Okay, fine.  I messed up.  But you can yell at me after.  You’re hurt, let me
help you.”  I reach out and he flinches from me.
“You will not touch me.”
“Snape, I just want to help.”  I reach out again.
“I did not give you permission.  You will not touch me without my permission
ever.”  He flinches against the wall.  “Get out!”  Pricks of tears are in his
eyes, but I have enough sense to not say anything about it.  “ZEND!”  He yells
loudly and the house elf appears.  Already the little thing is easing Snape to
the ground.  Noticing me, Zend quietly stammers.
“I t..t…th…think it w…w..w..would b…b…b.b….b.b.b…be best if you you you you
w…w.went to your room.”  He says not allowing for any argument.  I don’t know
how I’m going to make it up to Snape.  I’m still shaken as I walk down the
steps towards my room.  Niffy is waiting at the bottom.  The look on her face
makes me cower into myself. 
“You shouldn’t have went in the Princess’s room.  You really hurt Severus.” 
She says.  “He trusted you.  He trusted that he didn’t have to lock it.  He
trusted that you wouldn’t betray him.”  She’s crying.  Her one good arm is
pulled tightly against her chest.  Her tiny hand is squeezed over her heart. 
“If Severus was ready for you to know, he would have told you.”
“Niffy.  I’m sorry.”  Her large eyes bore into me.
“Severus isn’t immune to being hurt.  He was right.  You are just like your
father.”  And she leaves me to go upstairs.   
***** goodnight my princess *****
Chapter Notes
     Been a long day my ducklings. One of those days where ya just have to
     fight to keep from laying in bed and just crying. But I got chapter
     done. Which is truly the highlight of my day. Onward my ducklings.
In my room, I lay in my bed thinking.  It wasn’t any of my business.  But I
wanted it to be.  The phantom pain comes back, and I have to stifle the groan. 
Everything hurts, but just like last time, it goes away quickly.  Niffy had a
look of betrayal on her face.  Snape did as well. 
I know he’s a private man.  I know that he keeps everyone at arms-length, and
that seems to be where he wants them.  I don’t understand what possessed me. 
Being held at arms-length isn’t something I want.  Not form him.  He’s saved
me.  A few times actually.  We’ve had sex.  Granted it was more for the sake of
cementing out bond, but haven’t we always had a bond.  Not necessarily a
favorable one, but a bond nonetheless.
I wasn’t afraid of him.  I never was.  And Snape.  He didn’t treat me special. 
And by not treating me special, he treated me differently than anyone else.  I
was Harry Potter: an annoying student that just so happens to be the boy who
lived.  Not the boy who lived who happens to also be Harry Potter.  I’ve been
given leeway because of who I am.  Something I’ve not even really done.  I
didn’t defeat Voldemort when I was a baby.  My mother’s love defeated him.  I
was just the by product.  But because I’m famous and because I’m an orphan. 
I’ve been treated special. 
I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t like it at first.  I did.  It felt nice
being important.  Going from eating table scraps to some enviable.  Someone
that others would want to be around.  I couldn’t fathom that existence before I
learned about the magical world.
It got old quick. 
I stopped trying to date.  Sure, there were a couple of girls early on, but as
strange as it feels to say.  I didn’t want to be a notch on their belt.  I
didn’t want to read the stories in the daily prophet. ‘I snogged the boy who
lived.’  I didn’t want to read them…. Again.    
He was cruel to me.  But he was cruel to everyone.  Even Slytherins on occasion
when they did something particularly stupid.  One time I actually overheard him
deducting points from Draco Malfoy.  It was just the two of them.  I’m not even
sure what he did to deserve the deductions, but if Snape’s yelling was anything
to go on, it was and I’m quoting “the stupidest thing you have ever done. 
Thirty points from Slytherin, and twenty more for assuming I wouldn’t take
points from my own house.” 
My chest aches. 
I shouldn’t even care.  He’s a prat.  A bitter annoying confusing man. 
But this is the first place that has ever felt like home.
At first, I thought I could think of Hogwarts as home.  But there was no one
there that really loved me.  Not that Snape loves me.  That’s a ridiculous
notion. 
My door cracks open and I turn to see Wendy.  She scampers up to the bed.  I
help her up and she sits smiling cross legged.
“Hi Harhar!”  Her arms envelop me in a hug.
“Wendy, aren’t you upset with me.  I really hurt your master.”  She tilts her
head.
“Wenwen no mad.”  She reaches up to pat my head.  “Sevey sad.  Harhar sad. 
Wenwen no mad.”
“Wendy, I’m the one who made him sad.”  She blinks a few times then brings her
finger to her mouth in thought. 
“Wenwen broke bottle.  Bottle had stuff inside.  Wenwen sorry.  Sevey said
‘acciden’ happen’.  Sometim’ people mistakes.  Wenwen make mistakes.  Sevey
still loves Wenwen.  Sevey make mistakes.  Wenwen still love Sevey.  Gotta say
sorry.  Harhar make mistakes.  Gotta say sorry.”
“Wendy, sorry isn’t going to fix this.”  Her hand ceases rubbing the top of my
head and lightly hits it.
“Harhar make mistakes.  Gotta say sorry.”
“Wendy.  I can’t face him right now.”  I’m pleading with her to understand. 
Her tiny hand grasps mine and pulls me from my bed.  “I messed up.”
“Gotta say sorry.”  She repeats.  She manages to walk me to my door.  Once I’m
in the hall, she points to the stairs.  “Gotta say sorry.  Sevey forgive.” 
When I show reluctance, both of her hands come to rest on her hips.  There will
be no winning against her.  She really is Snape’s elf.
I take my time going up the steps.  The longer I take, the longer it will be
until I have to face him.  I can handle his rage.  I was raised by rage.  I
can’t handle when his tone is weak and vulnerable.  Something about it haunts
me. 
I stand outside of that pink room.  The door is open.  Inside, in the middle of
the room, I see Snape sitting on the floor.  His back is to the door.  He’s not
moving.  Just rigidly sitting cross legged.  I knock on the open door.
“Professor Snape sir.”  I see his body twitch, but he doesn’t say anything.  “I
wanted to formally apologize.”
“It’s just a room Potter.”  He says resigned.  As if the moment earlier didn’t
happen.  And the tone sets me off into thinly veiled anger.  I will not go back
to being held arms-length. I fucked up.  At least with Snape, he would always
tell me as such.   
“But it’s not.”
“Potter.  I do not wish to discuss this.”
“Then just listen Snape.”  He says nothing, and I guess that’s permission
enough.  “I had no right invading your privacy, and I’m sorry that I
deliberately did something that I know you didn’t want me to do.  This whole
time since I started living here, It’s like I’m a child not being let in on the
secret of Christmas.  I know I’m still young.  I know that for whatever reason,
you feel inclined to protect me.  I don’t know if your reason is because of
Dumbledore.  Or my mom.  Or because I’m one of your students.  I don’t know. 
But I’ve seen what most kids my age have not seen.  You can’t shield me from a
world I already know about.”
He remains silent. 
“I’ve been pretending since the night we bonded that I didn’t notice the way
you acted.  You were scared.  You didn’t want to bond with me.  If fact, you
hated the idea more than I did.  And I have a feeling that your reason for not
wanting to bond isn’t the same as my reason.  I’ve been pretending that I
haven’t noticed how every time you come back from the death eater meeting you
are injured.  It’s important for you that I remain in the dark.  I’ve been
pretending that I haven’t noticed how you and Dumbledore will talk in front of
me like I’m a child who can’t possibly understand.”
He remains silent.
“I was honest when I said that I wanted a truce, but that didn’t mean that I
wanted this.  You don’t have to pull your punches with me.  If I mess up.  Then
tell me.  If I’m prying, tell me to back off.  If you fucking hate me, then
just tell me.  I can handle that over you passively ignoring my actions.”  I’m
crying.  I did not want to cry.  “I’m sorry for invading your privacy, I just
wanted to know something about the man that was friends with my mom and about
the man that because a death eater and then a spy for the light and then gave
up even more freedom to bond with a boy that looks identical to a man that use
to torment him.”
He remains silent. 
“I’m sorry.  I swear that I will not ask any questions anymore.  If you want me
to know, then you’ll tell me.  Otherwise, I’m not meant to know.  But that
doesn’t change the fact that I still have a desire to learn about you.  Even if
you never share anything with me.  I’ll still want to know.  Because there’s
more to you then you let others see.”  My mouth feels dry and I feel
uncomfortable. 
“You are so much like your mother.”  He says in his clear voice.  “She was a
nosey thing.  Once she decided that she wanted to know something, nothing could
get in her way.  She had a curious nature.  Clear eyes.  She could see threw
anything.  She told me once, that she knew I was lying to her, but if It’s so
important to her best friend that she believe the lie, then she would believe
it.”
“I wish that I could have known her.”  The tears start fresh.  These are
thought that I never allow myself to think. 
“I’ll tell you about her.”  He says evenly.  “Not tonight mind you.  I’m not
stable enough.”  His voice sounds unwavering.  “Now please.  Return to your
room and sleep.  I need a bit of time.”
“Professor.  Again.  I’m sorry.”  He exhales.
“You truly did nothing wrong Potter.  It is only a room.  It only has
significance if I give it.”
“But it is important to you.  And I knew that.”
“No Potter.  You have no idea.”  His hand lays on the rug in an almost lovingly
way.  At that moment, my chest constricts.  “Potter, it is late, and I am not
stable enough at the moment.  Your presence is taxing on my emotional state.” 
My chest constricts again and the physical pain is almost overwhelming.  I turn
to leave and I hear him lightly talking to himself.  “Sleep well my princess.”
***** The shoe is on the other foot *****
Chapter Notes
     So many wonderful questions and theories on this story, I'm glad all
     of you are enjoying it. Onward my ducklings.
“Clear your mind.  Bring up your shield.”  His voice is calm.  “Now prepare
yourself.  Legilimency.”  It feels like a train is slamming into my
subconscious.  If it weren’t for the fact that I know him better, I would swear
he was doing this to punish me.  “You are still making your shields to weak.” 
He flicks his wand and the spell is broken.  The library comes into focus
around me.  The empty shelves.  The table where we play chess, and finally
Snape.  It’s been a few days since I invaded his privacy by going into the
Princess’s room.  Today he actually woke up relatively early and after
breakfast, he announced that we would be having occlumency practice.
“I’m trying.”  I assure.  And I am.  We’ve been going like this for hours.  I’m
exhausted. 
“You are not trying hard enough.  Either shield or evade.  You cannot do both.”
“I do not understand.”  He exhales.  I watch the man I’ve been sharing a home
with pace up and down the length of the room.
“Cast the spell on me.  I shall show you a demonstration.”  He seems sure of
his actions.  His hair is pulled up into a loose ponytail.  It actually suits
him having it pulled against his high cheek bones.  He’s wearing muggle
clothing as he often does just around the house.  The clothes hang off of him
baggily.  Sometimes when he moves, I’ll get a glimpse of a pale collar bone.  I
try not to stare, but it’s odd seeing him so relaxed.  And the color of his
skin is actually very… eroti…
“Sir.  Are you sure?”  He’s far to private to willingly let me into his mind.
“Potter.  When I’m prepared, no one can get past my shields.  Cast the spell on
me.  I’m sure even you with your limited brain cells will understand better
once you’ve seen a demonstration.”  I hold my wand. 
“Are you ready sir?”  He nods.  “Legilimency!”  I wonder if I even performed
the spell correctly.  I do not see anything, but I feel a wall.  I try to press
against it, but I make no headway.  I end the spell and he nods at my unspoken
question.
“That was a mental shield.  Now.  Cast the spell again.  I will not shield
against you, but instead evade your probing.”  He nods and I cast the spell
again.  This time, I see an illusion.  A field of flowers.  A young boy.  A
young girl.  Laying together in the field beside one another.  They are
laughing.  Smiling.  It’s so peaceful that I hate ending the spell.  “That was
evading.  Sacrificing a less important memory or though to protect the whole.”
“Was that you and my mother.”  He nods.  I would love to ask more about her,
but he continues with his lesson.
“Evading is much trickier.  When I am with the dark lord, evading is the tactic
that I choose.  Should he realize that I am hiding something from him, then he
would no longer trust me.  My shields are strong enough to keep him out, but he
would know that I am keeping him from thoughts.  Instead, I must evade. 
Sacrifice a memory that will satisfy him.”  He raises his wand.  “If your
shields are not strong enough to keep me out, then you must evade.  Either
method will suffice.  I will attempt to infiltrate your mind and search for a
memory that you would not wish anyone to see.  Keep me from learning your
secrets Potter.  Prepare yourself.  Legilimency!” 
My head aches painfully.  I see flashes of memories that he’s calling forth and
I’m trying to block him.  I see flashes of Sirius dying.  I can’t block that
memory, so I replace it with feeding Hedwig.  It doesn’t work for long. 
Everything is dropped and I’m watching myself relieving myself into a towel.  I
conjure up the memory of my first Christmas at Hogwarts.  Again, I can’t hold
it for to long and a memory that I’ve long sense buried flashes in my mind.  I
want to scream when I see it.  I want to block him.  I want to hide it from
him.  I replace it with the first thing I can think of that will distract him
from the horrid memory. 
I conjure up the memory of being inside him.  Feeling his bony shoulder.  How
soft his voice was.  Wanting to not hurt him more.  Realizing immediately what
I was doing to him.  Pulling out. 
The spell is ended and he’s looking at me.  It’s difficult to look back. 
“Potter.”  But he doesn’t continue to speak. 
“It isn’t a big deal professor.”  It doesn’t matter that I’m lying.  It doesn’t
even matter that he knows I’m lying.  “It doesn’t mean anything.  I honestly
forgot it even happened.”
“Did you ever tell anyone.  Dumbledore maybe?”  He’s not asking as a bond
mate.  He’s not asking as a friend.  He’s asking as a teacher.  I can read that
tone immediately.  He’s out for blood.
“Yes.  I told Dumbledore.”  I feel sick.  It isn’t something that I like to
think about.  It’s something that I’ve never told anyone aside from
Dumbledore.  I can’t say it out loud. 
“He knew then.”  The tone is escalating in anger.  “Did you tell any other. 
Your headmistress.”  I look away from him. 
“No sir.  I was… ashamed.  I told Dumbledore and he said that we didn’t have
any other options.  It’s not a big deal sir.”  I try to say calmly.  It’s in
the past.  If I let it bother me, then he wins.
“Your uncle molesting you is not a big deal!”  Seething rage.  His face is
twisted in anger, but I’m not afraid of him.  Something about it is actually
reassuring.  He’s angry on my behalf.   He’s pacing again.  “Does your aunt
know?”  He asks.  I look away from him. 
“I honestly don’t know.  But it wouldn’t surprise me.  When I told Dumbledore,
he did manage to make it stop somehow.  That was about the end of my second
year.  I told him and he stopped it... but for safety, I had to keep living
there.  I know this may sound odd to say, but my uncle isn’t a pedophile.  You
would never do something like that to an ‘actual person’.  He loves his son,
and he’s a good father.”  Snape stops pacing.  “He would never do something
like that to a family member.  Or even to anyone.  But I wasn’t… I’m not…”  I
don’t know how to say it.  I completely freeze when arms wrap around me.
“You aren’t their family.”  Snape says gently.  “You can justify his actions
because he isn’t family.”  It’s far too easy to relax into those arms.  He’s
taller than me.  I already knew that, but I didn’t realize that it would mean
that I could press my face into his chest like this.  It’s strangely comforting
to breathe in his musk.  It’s an earthy scent.  His hand lays on top of my head
in a familiar way.  The same way I’ve seen all of the elves do to him.  I
actually feel okay right now.  Like it’s okay that it happened.  No.  That’s
not what I mean.  Like it’s okay that it bothers me that it happened.  Like it
doesn’t change who I am.  Like it’s just a nightmare that I’ve had.  Like Snape
would never let it happen again. "That poor excuse for a human doesn't view you
as a person so he's able to justify his actions, but they are not justifiable."
It’s been so long since someone has actually embraced me, that it feels second
nature to wrap my arms around this person in front of me.  It doesn’t matter if
it’s Snape.  It doesn’t matter if he’s twice my age.  Or my teacher.  Or
sometimes cruel.  He’s the one embracing me.  And it feels safe.  It feels
good.  My body feels lax propped up against him, but when I actually manage to
fully incircle him in my arms, the moment is ended and I’m being held at arms-
length again.  Both literally and figuratively.  He’s looking down at me.
“Niffy.”  He calls her in a tone as if he was simply asking for the sugar to be
passed.  Normal neutral tone.  His hands are still gripping my shoulders an
arms-length away when she appears.
“Sevey has called Niffy?”  She asks.  She’s openly looking between us, but says
nothing. 
“Yes.  I am going out for a few hours.  See to it that Potter eats a good
lunch.  He has used his magic in excess today.” 
“Yes Sevey, Niffy will get right on that.”  She disappears.  Snape separates
himself from me.  He isn’t in wizard robes, and he isn’t in his death eater
garb.
“I will be back in a few hours Potter.  After you have eaten lunch, I would
like for you to practice shielding your mind.”
“Yes sir.  I’ll try.”  His face softens slightly. 
“You’ve already improved greatly Potter, keep up the hard work, and you could
be formidable in both Legilimency and Occlumency.”
It feels odd receiving a compliment from him.  I think… I like it. 
***** taking matters into his own hands *****
Chapter Notes
     Sorry it's been a while... so I've actually written another
     chapter.... but I realized that I needed a few chapters before the
     one I've written... so it took a bit longer to have this one done.
     But it is done now. Onward my ducklings.
Snape has been gone for several hours.  I’m trying to focus on clearing my
mind.  I’m trying to focus on voiding my thoughts.  It’s hard.  I just keep
going back.  Remembering that awful memory and then remembering him holding
me.  I didn’t like being touched by my uncle.  It’s something I’ve more or less
accepted.  It happened.  Move on. 
But that’s not realistic.  I have always had a hard time since then being
touched.  Intimately or otherwise.  Maybe because being touched was already so
foreign.  My relatives would never actually touch me.  They would catch
whatever sickness I had.  The entire ordeal is a contradiction. 
I’m not even angry with Snape for finding out.  Maybe I should be.  But he’s
the sort of man that has already made up his mind on everything.  Learning
something like this will not change the way he views me.  Though, I do hope he
keeps it to himself.  I’m not much on sharing.  I think I like the illusion
that my life is ideal.  I would rather strangers not read in the daily prophet
intimate details of my life. 
Niffy pats my head.
“Harry is deep in thought.”  She says lightly.  She tilts her head at me. 
“I’m alright Niffy.  Do you know where Snape has gone off too?  He wasn’t
dressed for a death eater meeting.”  She chuckles lightly. 
“Niffy does not know.  But Niffy has an idea.”  She manages to sit on the
ground- fall more like.  “Niffy became Sevey’s house elf when he was a bit
younger.  Sevey’s mom and pop were no longer living here- Niffy does not know
the full story, and it is not Niffy’s story to tell anyways.  Sevey was the
master of this house.  It was only him.  Sevey was ordered to dispose of me.  I
was no longer useful to my first master.  I believe my first master saw it as
an act of kindness on his part.  Putting me out of my mystery.”  She scowls at
the thought.  “Sevey took me in.  Told me he hated this house and didn’t care
if I burned it to the ground, but I could stay as long as I liked.”  She smiles
fondly.
“Niffy.”
“Sevey is not always patient.  He has a sharp tongue and a sharp wit.  And a
fierce temper.  When Sevey was a student, he was prone to fighting.  Even
amongst muggles.  There are aspects of his life that he hates, but he will
defend them because they are his.”  She smiles at me.  Her old eyes are light. 
“Sevey is very protective and Sevey is very loyal.  Harry.  Sevey will always
be loyal to you first.  Niffy understand enough to know that you were harmed in
the past, I have no doubt that Sevey is not simply ignore whatever was done.” 
“But why.  He hates me.  I have all of my dad’s bad traits.  And Snape hated
him.”  She nods more to herself. 
“If Sevey hated you, then he would have abandoned this war long ago.  Sevey
isn’t a cold man.  I think, in some ways, Sevey admires you.”  I can’t stop
laughing.  “It’s true.  You are always so annoyingly positive.  I think he
likes that about you.  You don’t think, you just do what you believe is best. 
Sometimes you muck up.  Sevey has always talked a lot about you.”  She uses my
shoulder to stand herself up. 
“Niffy, thank you for talking with me.”  She pats my head.
“Harry is part of the family.  Niffy would like for both of her masters to be
happy.” 
The break from practicing seems to have helped my concentration.  Clear my
mind.  Breathe. 
Another hour of practice and I feel my mind slipping again.  I do not want to
think about my uncle and I do not want to think about Snape’s scent.  Or how
pale his skin is.  I want to think about a wall.  Blocking everything out.  A
wall as tall as a castle and as thick as a train.  Something can cannot be
broken through.  Something that can keep me safe.
I feel Snape’s magic before I actually see him.  He actually looks completely
unharmed, but also disheveled. 
“Snape are you?”
“I am perfectly acceptable Potter.”  He walks over to me with a level of grace
that I sometimes forget he has.  A large hand lays on top of my head and
tussles my hair in an almost affectionat way.  He immediately pulls his hand
away as if I were the one forcing him to show a level of kindness.  From my
spot on the ground, he appears so much taller.  “You appear to have been
practicing.”  He takes a few steps back to provide the standard distance
between us.
“Yes, I’m still trying to build a stronger shield.”  His arms cross over
themselves as he listens.  “Professor.  I wanted to talk about what you saw.  I
know you would never… but I really do not want anyone to…”
“I would never tell anyone Potter.”  His dark eyes are soft as he speaks to
me.  I believe him.
“Sir, where did you go?”  I ask trying to immediately change the subject.”  All
softness in his eyes is gone.
“I took care of some things.”  He says blandly.  The untelling sentence reminds
me that I know so little about this man. 
“Sevey?”  Niffy seems to ask.
“I didn’t kill him Niffy.  We simply had a nice little chat.”
“A nice chat that involves breaking three of his ribs.”  Brux says lightly. 
The oldest of the young elflings mostly keeps to himself.  He and I have not
spoken much since I began living here.
“Three ribs?”  Niffy questions him.
“I did promise you that I would reign in some temper.”  Snape explains. 
“Snape.  What did you do?”  I ask looking up at him.
“Potter.  I simply took care of something that should have been done.”  Brux
laughs at Snape’s words. 
“Did you… talk with my uncle?”  I ask.  He doesn’t confirm or deny.  “Did
you?”  I ask again.  Snape exhales slowly.
“Yes Potter, among other things.  You are under my protection now.”  He kneels
downs to my level as if he were speaking to a small child.  I’ve seen him do
this with Wendy.  “Potter.  You are under my protection.  I need for you to
trust me above all others.  We do not have the luxury of existing otherwise,
and I will have to trust you above all others.  I do not expect this to be an
easy task for either of us.  From this point forward.  If you require anything
or if you are unsettled about anything, you are to tell me.  Not Dumbledore.”
“Sir?”
“Albus is not inherently evil.”  Snape looks at the floor.  “He is just blinded
to the small details, or what he perceives as small details.  What your uncle
did to you was unacceptable, and I do not only mean the major things.”  He
looks intently at me.  “The headmaster has only one goal.  Ending this war.  He
does not care what it takes to accomplish that.  If that means good people have
to die.  Then they will die.  If that means throwing a young boy to the
snakes.”  He looks at his open palms.  “Then that is what he will do.  Uncaring
if the action is morally right or wrong.  If Harry Potter the boy who lived has
to die so that this war may end, then Dumbledore will allow it.”
“I don’t want to die.”  I hate saying these words.  “I know that I should be
willing to die so that everyone else can live, and I wouldn’t trade my one life
for everyones, but I really don’t want to die.” 
“Potter.  We are soul bonded.  No harm can be done to you.  Trust that.  You
are not selfish for desireing to live.  It’s natural to be afraid of death. 
You know the prophecy.  Only you can kill him.  You’ll survive this war
Potter.  I swear it.”
“I don’t really understand how it all works.  If it’s that easy to keep someone
from harm, then why doesn’t Voldemort just soul bond with someone so that no
harm can be done to him.”
“There are things that you don’t know about this bond we share.  Things that I
am not prepared to tell you for your own good.”  He opens his mouth to say
something, but then closes it immediately.
“How can you expect me to trust you when you can’t even trust me with the
nature of whatever it is we share.”  The way he’s crouched down has his loose
shirt hanging lower.  There is something about his ivory collar bones that is
just…
“Potter.  I will not sugarcoat it.  I do not feel confident in myself to
adequately explain myself.  I make an oath to you that when I am mentally
prepared, I will explain everything to you, but I need time.”  He’s human. 
Sometimes it’s so hard to see him like that.  He’s not well put together.  He’s
just a man still trying to figure things out at times. 
“Alright.”  I say.
 
***** Headmaster back again *****
Chapter Notes
     sorry that it's been a bit guys. Just. Had a rough couple weeks and
     then i went out of town to see family and friends and my fiance. So.
     At one point this chapter was done but there was literally no
     internet to post it... but it's up now. I love you guys. Onward my
     ducklings.
Dumbledore is checking on us again today.  He’s asking Snape if he has any news
concerning Voldemort.  Nothing new.  When he showed up, he presented me with a
letter from Ron and a letter from Hermione.  Apparently, both of them are
staying at Hogwarts for safety purposes.  Their homes are being constantly
monitored by order members.  Snape said it was safe to write them back and send
the letters via Dumbledore.  I just can’t mention my whereabouts or that I’m
with Snape.  Or anything about the soul bond.  Still.  It’s been driving me
crazy to not be able to communicate with my friends.  I hate keeping this from
them, but I don’t have much choice.  When it’s safe to, I’ll tell them
everything.  I was happy to pass my letters off to Dumbledore. 
“He is progressing well in occlumency.  He is not anywhere close to proficient,
but he’s improved greatly compared to where he started.”  Snape’s face is
straight.  His posture is rigid.   Both of his arms are held firmly at his side
in a mock ‘casual’ manner.  This isn’t how he handles himself when it’s just
us.  He’s more relaxed, but right now.  He’s all business.  “Potter.  You are
to go to your room.  The headmaster and I have some things to discuss.”  I open
my mouth to protest.  I don’t know why I don’t.  I don’t know why I close my
mouth and actually nod. 
I actually do as he asked.
I feel like a child asked to leave the room so the adults can fight.  Still. 
He asked me to trust him.  I can’t say that it’s particularly easy to do as he
says.  And sometimes he’s still a prick.  But there have been times that he
isn’t.  There are times when he’s a decent human being.  Nice even. 
Understanding. 
He’s made no comments about the things he saw.  He’s not asked any questions
after the initial moment.  It’s like he understood I didn’t want to think or
talk about it.  It’s mostly been shoved to the back of my mind.  I go around
pretending it never happened and most of the time, I really feel like it never
happened.  Sometimes though.  I’m hyper sensitive about the… ordeal.  Like the
night Snape and I consummated the bond.  It’s just sex.  And a part of me feels
in the great scheme of things, sex is just sex.  Do what has to be done and
move on.  But another part feels the exact opposite.  I didn’t want to… hurt
him. 
Being sent to my room and asked to stay here reminds me of being at my
relatives.  I’m almost afraid to try the door knob in case it is locked.  But
the only lock is on my side of the door.  And realistically, I know even if I
was locked in, I could always spell the door open.  After some time, Niffy pops
into my room.
“Harry, you can come out now.”  She smiles lopsidedly at me.  When I do leave
the room, Dumbledore is already gone.  Snape is sitting in one of the
highbacked chairs in the empty library.  He’s leaned over with his head in his
palms.  I’m almost afraid to disturb him.
“Professor.”
“Potter.”  He says without looking up. 
“Are you alright sir?”  He exhales slowly.
“Potter.  The bond between us was created out of necessity, still.  I will
never ask for your forgiveness.  I would not put you in the situation where you
are faced with the idea of forgiving a man who wronged you as I did.  I defiled
you.”  Is that really how he sees it. 
“Professor.  Snape.  You didn’t defile me.”  It’s hard to face him even while
he’s not looking at me, so I turn away from him.  “I’m not good with words, so
bear with me.  I don’t know what happened to you.  I guess if you want me to
know then you will tell me.  The night that we… consummated the bond.  You were
scared of being touched.  I know you refuse to talk about it, so I will not
question you.  But… whatever made you uncomfortable, I’m glad that my uncle did
what he did… so that I could understand a little better.”  That came out
completely wrong.  I can’t believe I just said that.  We’ve mostly been okay
with each other, but now it’ll be more steps back.
His body noticeably shakes and I would flinch if not for the easy laughter. 
The longer I stand and watch him, the more he laughs.  It’s a very human
laugh.  No maniacal cackling, or anything bizarre like that.  Just.  A laugh. 
“Sir.  I’m sorry.  Did I say something wrong?”  It’s almost natural to watch
this very human man laugh. 
“I didn’t think anyone could be so much like Lily.”  He’s actually smiling and
something about it is nice.  It makes him look more alive and less stern.  It
brightens him.  But his words are my primary focus.
“Sir, am I more like my mother or father?”  He stops smiling and I actually
regret my question.  But he’s pulled his thumb to his mouth to bite down on
it.  I’ve noticed that he does them when he’s contemplating something. 
“Lily and James Potter were actually very similar to one another.  I would say
their most defining features is their fierce protective nature.  They were both
brash and impulsive.  But at their core they were good.  Your father happily
befriended a werewolf and a boy born from a primarily Slytherin family with
little to no reluctance.  Your mother.”  He pauses.  I watch him look down at
his open hands.  “She was my only real friend.  Maybe because of pity.  My home
life was more than unsavory, and she knew about it well.  I don’t believe she
was ever ashamed of me.  Even when I deserved it.” 
“We all make mistakes sir.”  He nods.
“Yes, but some mistakes are much worse than others.  You are similar to both
your mother and father, but you are also a person all your own.  Harry, you
need not compare yourself to either of your parents, you are your own man.” 
I’m taken aback by my name. 
“Sir, do you really mean that.”  I’ve grown use to praise from witches and
wizards.  But it is never praising me.  It’s always praising my parent’s
actions.  Or expecting certain behavior because I am the boy who lived.  I feel
like me… Harry Potter was just praised for the first time.  As a person.  The
shock is so great that him using my name hardly phases me.
“Yes Potter.”  He’s back to formalities.  “You have the makings of a splendid
wizard and a strong person.”  He stands.  “I have a bit of brewing to do.  Go
through your meditation and practice clearing your mind.  After dinner, we will
practice Occlumency.” 
“Sir.  Before you go, what did you have to discuss with the headmaster?”
“If I wished for you to know Potter, then I would not have asked you to leave
the room.”  Clearly.
“Sir.  Please.  If it concerns me, then don’t I have the right to know.  You
asked me to trust you, and you said that you would have to trust me as well. 
If it really doesn’t concern me, then I will leave it alone, but if it’s about
me, then please.  Don’t keep me in the dark.  I feel like my entire life has
been planned for me behind my back.”  He exhales slowly.
“The headmaster and I spoke of the bond that you and I share.  I also discussed
with him my displeasure at how the situation with your uncle was handled.   I
addition, when I spoke with your uncle, I might have used a few choice words,
and his memories should be suppressed due to that.”  He crosses his arms. 
“Potter.  You are my responsibility.  Regardless of our differences, I will not
abide the actions that were committed against you.  As far as I’m concerned,”
He pointedly looks away from me, “the headmaster is just as much in the wrong
as your uncle.  I apologize that I did not do more as your teacher.”
“You couldn’t have known.  I only ever really let Professor Dumbledore know.  I
would have never gone to you.  I wouldn’t have.  I might would have gone to my
head of house, but I just didn’t want anyone to know.  Even if I knew you would
have been on my side, I still don’t think I could have been vulnerable like
that around you.  I couldn’t let anyone know.”
“Yes Potter, I understand.  Admitting to sexual abuse is a difficult
conversation to have even with someone you trust.”  He’s not looking at me.
“Sir.  Were you ever…”  I don’t finish my question. 
“Harry.  Don’t ask a question to something you don’t want to know the answer
of.  Please.  Some things are better left unsaid.”
***** the dream *****
Chapter Notes
     it's been a rough few days.... but here is another chapter for all of
     you. Onward my ducklings.
Everything is hot.  I feel like my skin is on fire.  I feel like I have a
fever.  Sweat sticks to my neck and forehead, and my mouth is uncomfortably
dry.  Fingertips are digging desperately into my shoulders, and there are legs
circled around my hips pulling me down on the person under me.  There is a
strange pleasure deep in the pit of my stomach, and all I can see is a mop of
dark hair.  Teeth are biting down at whatever skin they can reach and I realize
that I don’t actually mind.  More so, I enjoy it.
I enjoy having this person wrapped around me.
The sweat from their body and the sweat from mine create a glue between us
ensuring that we cannot separate.  The punishing peeling of skin from skin is
too great a discipline for me or this person to risk separating.  The arms hold
me as if they need me.  I feel like I need this person.  We are hungrily
rubbing against each other.  Any bit of bare skin is fair game and I can feel a
familiar hardness against my side.  This person is a male.
I don’t know if that bother me or not.
I don’t know if I even really care.
Because this male under me is whimpering each time we slide together in just
the right way.  And the deep baritone sounds just erotic enough for me to use
the body under me more forcefully.  Desperate to reach completion.  Both of
us.  And he’s moaning pleasantly in my ear asking for more.  Asking me to touch
him more.  Praising me for how good my touch is making him feel.  Pleas for
more and mews to not stop.
I have never felt pleasure like this. 
It doesn’t seem to matter to him that I’m a guy.  In fact, he revels at my
manhood gliding against his blushing skin.  I want to see this person.  I want
to kiss his lips and know who is ushering me into completion faster than I’ve
ever experienced before.  But he seems to hide in my shoulder.  This male who
is longer than me.
His musk is thick, and I inhale it deeply.  My fingers dig into bony hips
pulling him burningly against me.  I don’t mean to be rough with him.  My need
is just unbearable.  He doesn’t seem to mind.  His own grip on my shoulders and
dig down in earnest. 
“I’m almost..”  The man says in this thick masculine tone.  It’s not off-
putting.  It’s somehow more arousing.  “Please.  Don’t stop.”  The arousing
voice pleads. 
“Am I hurting you?”  I don’t think to say these words, but they still come out
of my mouth.  I don’t question why.  After all, I don’t want to hurt this
person.  I don’t want to hurt anyone.
“No.  Never you.”  I can feel the bridge of a nose press into my neck
comfortably.  “Could never hurt from you.”
“I can stop.  If you need me too.”  I don’t think it would be possible for me
to stop right now.  But my tone doesn’t reflect my internal uncertainty.  The
first utter of reluctance is all I need to hear.
“Harry.  Please.  Don’t stop.”  The warm voice is like honey.  I’m sinking into
it.  He arches his back until are chests are flesh to flesh.  “Harry.”  He
moans mutedly. 
“I have you.”  These words alone seem enough to pull this mystery man over the
edge.  I can feel all of his muscles tensing around me and he screams his
orgasm in my ear.  Just his pleasure coaxes my own orgasm all over his
stomach.  My palm strokes his hair soothingly until he falls limply on the bed
below me.
Hair the color of tar spills out around him like ink.  Dark eyes still lidded
with pleasure openly watch my every movement.  Snowy skin is flushed with
arousal.  His stomach is sunken in.  Chest heaving.
“Harry.  Why are you looking at me like that?”  The man squirms under my gaze. 
I reach out to touch his cheek just to see if he’s real.
“Severus?”  But just as I touch his cheek, my eyes open.
A dream. 
Correction:  A wet dream.
The mess in my shorts alerts me to the very real fact that I just had a wet
dream about Snape.  The dream is still fresh on my mind and I have to fight it
back.  It’s one thing to have an unconscious erection about someone, but to
actually become hard over them in real life is different.  It doesn’t make
sense.
Our relationship is still mostly tense.  Sometimes he’s almost likeable.  But I
still don’t know anything about him.  He holds me at arms-length so that I
can’t get any closer to him.  I wonder why that bothers me so much.  This bond
was only formed out of necessity.  I don’t believe he hates me.  Far from it
actually.  I think in some ways he might actually like me, but the situation is
too confusing to make sense of.
So, I fight the arousal down determined to not become hard over a man that can
take or leave me more or less.  Besides.  I don’t know if I could really even
consider myself gay.  The only man I’ve ever done anything with is my uncle. 
And that was mostly just him… touching me.  I don’t have any experience.  Not
with a possible attraction to a member of the same sex.  I’ve hardly been able
to find even a female that I’ve been interested in. 
But maybe that’s as much a sign as anything.
I’m sixteen.  Almost seventeen.  And there have been very few girls that I was
interested in.  Or even attracted to for that matter.  I think I convinced
myself that the threat of the wizarding world was a more pressing matter than
figure out who to jerk off too, so it was okay that I didn’t notice girls.
But I never really noticed boys either. 
I’ve never had a wet dream about anyone in fact, until now.
I toss my clothes in the dirty clothes hamper… the sheets as well.  I get
dressed while trying to practice occlumency.  No so much for the next lesson
but because I can’t leave this room with a stupid look on my face.  I’d die of
humiliation if he knew.  So, I can’t look guilty, or suspicious.
At least not until I figure all of this out.
I don’t want him to think something if it’s not true. 
I mean.  After all.  Isn’t it normal to get wet dreams about random people even
if you aren’t… into them like that. 
I’m not surprised to see that Snape isn’t at breakfast.  I’m up a bit earlier
than normal, so I just opt to cook something for myself.  Snape doesn’t
normally eat anyways and honestly, I sort of enjoy cooking.
Standing at the stove helps to clear my head a bit. 
I’m halfway through when Niffy comes in rubbing her eyes.
“Harry, it is early.”  She says.
“I couldn’t sleep.”  That’s close enough to the truth.  “Would you like some
pancakes, I’m nearly through.  I know it’s not customary for a wizard to serve
a house elf, but I’m pretty good at cooking.”  She holds her hand up like a
silent refusal.
“Thank you, but no.  Niffy is a good house elf, and does not need to be treated
differently.”
“I know it’s important to you to not be looked at differently, but I’m not like
a lot of pure blooded wizards.  Just because I’m nice doesn’t mean that I think
less of you.”  She shakes her small head.
“Niffy is the head elf.  House elves are different from wizards.  Niffy is more
than happy in her role, so never you mind me.  Wizards do not serve house
elves.” 
“I don’t understand honestly.”
“Yes, Harry was raised by muggles.  Niffy is a good house elf that will look
after her master.  A good house elf is loyal and holds her master’s estate
above all else.  An obedient house elf does not mean a cruel master. 
Sometimes.  It means a master worth protecting.”
“That still doesn’t explain why you have to act subservient.”  She tilts her
head. 
“Niffy isn’t acting.  Niffy does her part and master does his.”  She pats my
arm as if she were talking to a simpleton.  I don’t understand, but I guess
that’s okay.  I’m nearly done cooking when Snape enters the room.  He looks
like he hasn’t slept at all. 
Making his way to the table, he immediately lays his head down. 
“Sir, would you like some breakfast.”  I try to sound casual.
“Hn.”  He grumbles.  His tone makes my neck feel hot, but that’s probably
because the dream is still fresh on my mind.  I wonder if this bond is
affecting me.  I place a plate of freshly cooked eggs in front of him and then
start working on mine.  “Did you cook this?”  He questions tentatively. 
“Yes.”  I don’t turn to him. 
“Can I even trust it to be edible.  The way you have performed in the classroom
leaves me skeptical.” 
“I can cook.”  I confirm.  “I’ve done a lot of cooking.”  I hear him stand. 
When I turn, I watch him rake the food directly into the trash.  “Why did you
do that!”
“I have no desire to become sick from your ineptitude.”  Niffy is looking
between us.
“You wouldn’t have.  Believe it or not, but I’m not useless.  I’m a great
cook.”
“Not likely.”  He says crossing his arms.  “Niffy, see to it that he doesn’t
waste food in the future with his failed attempts in the culinary arts.”  She
nods her head slightly but says nothing.
“If you weren’t going to eat it, then you could have just told me.  I would
have eaten it.”  He threw so much food away.  It hurts deep inside.  It makes
me sick to my stomach.  He turns and leaves, uninterested in continuing the
conversation.
***** Insufferable bastard *****
Chapter Notes
     So I was mixed up on what order I wanted to reveal stuff... but it
     just kinda worked out for this to be here... so yea... lol I hope you
     all enjoy. Onward my ducklings.
An insufferable ass.  That’s what he is.  An insufferable bastard.  I can’t
believe that I… ugh. 
It still hurt to think about all the wasted food.  Did he wake up on the wrong
side of the bed.  Niffy is looking at the door way of the little square
kitchen.  She’s shaking her head.
“Harry, Severus is…”
“Don’t defend him Niffy.  He has no reason at all to act like that.  I didn’t
do anything to him.”  She exhales slowly.
“I’m afraid Harry, that he believes he does have a reason.  I’m afraid that it
isn’t something that I can openly discuss though.  Severus is complicated.” 
She pats my arm.  “Never you mind him.  Niffy will begin cooking breakfast. 
Please go and busy yourself.  Niffy will retrieve you when it is done.”  I’m
about to leave when she tentatively grasps my shirt sleeve.  “Please.   Mind
your temper.  Severus means well.”
I’m not surprised that she is taking up for him.  She is nothing if not loyal. 
It doesn’t so much bother me that she’s taking up for him as the fact that she
needs to.  He’s been actually nice lately, and now he’s suddenly…
No.  I’m not going to take this.  I can’t handle his back and forth.  One day
he’s alright, and the next he’s….. this. 
He’s sitting in the library reading the same book he’s been reading.
“Take it back.”  My tone comes out clearly.  Determined but with no heat.  He
doesn’t look up.  “You had no right to talk to me like that.  Take it back.” 
He only turns a page.  “There was no reason to waste the food, and there was no
reason to talk to me like that.  I did nothing to you.  Take it back.”
“Potter.  Go away.  You are making yourself a nuisance.”
“Tell me what I did!”  He continues to read.  He looks exhausted.  Under his
eyes are dark shadows.
“Sevey sleepy.”  Wendy says yawning.  She comes into the room and crawls into
the sour man’s lap.  “Sevey no sleep.  Wen Wen sleepy too.  Sevey no sleep, wen
wen no sleep.”  She whines.  He lays his hand on top of her head.  She seems to
lean into the touch.
“Niffy, will you lay Wendy down for a nap.”  Niffy pops in and immediately
leaves with the young elf in her arms.  “Potter, we will not be having
occlumency lessons today.  Practice on your own today.”  He momentarily lays
the book down and looks at me straight on.  “I do not want to see you again for
the remainder of the day.” 
“I’m not moving.”  I can feel my anger bubbling.  “You’ve been mostly human
since I started living here. You’ve even been nice. And suddenly you are back
to acting like a git.  I’m not moving until you tell me why you are suddenly so
angry with me.”  He stands in front of me.  I fight down the memory of the
dream from the night before.  That thought has no place in this conversation. 
He towers over me.  His features are held firm like steel.  He won’t budge.  I
know he won’t. 
“Potter.”
“You had called me by my given name a few times.  Why am I back to Potter
now?”  I don’t mean to sound upset, but I can’t help it.  I’m more surprised
about how he actively flinches at my tone.  “I thought we were actually to the
point where we could talk to each other respectfully.  I’ve tried to respect
your boundaries.  I know I haven’t done perfect, but I’ve tried.”  I watch his
hand lay over his left forearm. 
“I am being summoned.”  He walks past me as if I weren’t blocking him.  I’m
angry with him.  But I still don’t want him to be hurt or killed or found out.
“Will you be okay as exhausted as you are.”  I haven’t turned to look at him,
but I hear his footsteps stop. 
“You do not have to worry about me Potter.”  Actually, I do.  But I don’t argue
with him. 
I try not to worry when I watch him apparate away.  How could I not worry
though?  He’s going into danger and as much as I still want to be angry at him…
I know somewhere under that thick layer of mean is a decent human being. 
Is the bastard bipolar maybe?
Niffy returns to the room.
“Harry, breakfast is done.”  I still feel sick at the wasted food, but I fight
it down.  I move on autopilot.  Eating the food with little interest.
“Niffy, does Snape normally have mood swings?”  She stalls for a moment.
“Sevey has angry outburst depending on the situation.  Most of the time, he is
in complete control of his emotional state, but there are some things that set
him off.  Otherwise.”  She exhales.  “Otherwise he has an ulterior reason for
behaving a certain way.”
“Niffy, he’s keeping something from me, isn’t he?” 
“Harry.  That is between you and Sevey.  I believe when he is ready, he will
tell you.  Until then…”  She looks away.  “Please trust my master.  He is loyal
to you above anyone else.  Sevey can be difficult, but he will only ever do
what he thinks is best for you.”
“I don’t know if I believe you Niffy.”  The plate sits innocently in front of
me.  I’ve lost my appetite, but I will not waste this food as well.
“Sevey is very protective of you, but I think…”  She doesn’t finish her
sentence.
“What do you think Niffy?”  She smiles a thin small smile.  Almost sad.
“Niffy would do well to not say.  Niffy only hopes that you can help my master
the way he always helps you.”  She bows politely and leaves to tend to her
chores. 
I eat slowly, more focused on my thoughts over the food in front of me.  Maybe
he was just cranky.  He did look like he hadn’t slept.  He wouldn’t blatantly
be cruel like that would he.  Something tells me he would.
When I finish eating, I put the plate in the sink and wash it by hand.  When
I’m done, I play a game of wizard chess on my own.  I’m awful at it, but Snape
still plays with me.  He hasn’t even mocked me about how bad I am. 
The day is mostly boring.
It’s nearly evening when one of the house elves, Zend comes into the living
room with a bucket. 
“Zend, what are you doing?”  He doesn’t respond.  I haven’t talked with him
very much.  He often keeps to him.  “Zend?  Do you need help with something?” 
The little elf turns to me. 
“I..I..  am am am h…h…h…h….helping Brux.”  He leaves and I follow him.  He and
the other elves are going into the linen closet and gathering up a mountain of
blankets and pillows. 
“Niffy, what is going on.”  She clinches her jaw. 
“Harry, you would want to go to your room for the remainder of the evening.”
“Niffy.”  She exhales.
“Niffy cannot make you, but you will not like what you will be seeing.  Sevey
will be displeased at you knowing, but Niffy cannot stop to talk.  Brux says
Sevey will need help.”  The blind elf is carrying his own mountain of fabrics.
“Harry stay.”  He says.  I can hardly hear him because his mouth is muffled by
a large pillow.  “We will need the extra hands mother.  Zend, prepare as many
potions as you can, to already have them.  Wendy and I will wait for Sevey. 
Mother, please go to Hogwarts and find Poppy.  We will need her.  It will be
more than Zend can do.”  The blind elf quickly orders everyone.  “Harry, please
stay with me.  I will need you to be my eyes.”  Everyone quickly goes about the
given orders, and Brux ushers me next to the growing pile of blankets and
comforters and pillows. 
“Brux, is something going to happen.”  He only nods.  Zend comes carrying in
several vials. 
“I.. I.. h. hope thi..this will will b… b.. b… b.. b… be enough.”
“It will suffice until Poppy arrives.  Wendy.” 
“Yes!”
“You know what to do?”
“Yes!  Wen Wen knows!”  She nods confidently. 
“What exactly do I need to do?”  I ask.  Brux reaches out and touches me arm.
“You will know.”
It feels like we are waiting next to the mountain hours when I hear the telling
sound of someone apparating.  Everything after that feels like it happened in
moments.  Snape stumbles forward just an arm’s length away, and I manage easily
enough to catch him.  He fights me.  Desperately he pushes away from me till I
can’t keep him upright.  And he’s laying on the makeshift bed the elves made
for him.  He’s heaving painfully, and Wendy holds the bucket under his mouth
while gently rubbing his head.  Zend is pouring potions directly on his skin. 
I’ve only just now noticed that he’s bare from the waist up.
Old and new scars crisscross unpleasantly across the expanse of his back.  And
his chest.  His arms are shaking to hold himself up even just to dry heave into
the bucket.  So I wrap my arm under him to help.  Because I don’t know what
else to do.
Sometimes Zend will lift his chin up and force Snape to swallow a potion or
another.  Snape never throws up, but he gags the entire time.  I wouldn’t
imagine that there’s anything in his stomach to throw up.  I know he’s
conscious because in-between in screaming and gagging, he pushes me away.  Or
glares at me.  He doesn’t want me here, but I can’t bring myself to leave. 
I can clearly see all of his ribs through his thin pale skin.  Tears of pain
seem to prick his eyes.
I’ve never been so happy to see Poppy.  She arrives and is in immediate
mediwitch mode.  She rolls him on his back even as he fights her.  Her wand is
waved around him.  A few more potions are given.  He thrashes and Wendy strokes
his hair the entire time.  I don’t know what to do.  I feel useless. 
He starts settling down fitfully into a painful sleep.  It’s only at this point
that she turns to me.
“Are you in any pain dearie?”  Me?
“No.  I’m fine.  I wasn’t injured.  It’s professor Snape who’s the hurt one.” 
Her eyes narrow at me confusedly. 
“Yes dear, but you and Severus are bonded correct?  Are you not feeling his
pain?”
***** Poppy explains *****
Chapter Notes
     ooo finally a few answers. Onward my ducklings.
She’s looking at me.  Her eyes narrowed in confusion.  Niffy is looking
guiltily away.
“Harry dear, you are bonded to Severus.”  I know it’s a close secret, but it’s
obvious that she knows.  “Right.  You and I will talk after Severus is
comfortably in bed.”  She waves her wand and he easily floats.  He thrashes for
a moment, but she doesn’t look surprised.  “Stubborn boy.  You can’t expect to
singlehandedly take on everything.”  She’s shaking her head chastisingly at
him.  “It’s clear you are running yourself ragged.”  I walk closely to her as
she enters his room with a level of confidence that says she’s done this too
many times.  She eases him into bed and devoids him of clothing.  I look away
if only to preserve his modesty.  She on the other hand begins searching threw
drawers until she finds what she wants.  With ease she dresses him and when I
turn around, she is easing the blanket over him.  She pours a vile of what
looks to be dreamless sleep down his throat. 
A searing pain feels like it’s being etched into my bones.  I have to fight to
keep from buckling to the ground.  Poppy notices, but doesn’t pull away from
Snape yet.  She smooths his hair down.  “Wendy sweetheart.  Where are you?” 
She calls sweetly.  The elf peaks around a corner, looking into the room. 
“Could you be a sweetie and take a nap with Sevey?”  She nods enthusiastically.
“Wen wen will look after Sevey!”
“I know you will sweet girl.”  Poppy taps my arm as she leaves the room. 
Before I pull away from the sight of the sallow man on the bed, I watch
mesmerized as Wendy crawls next to him.  She cuddles against him as if he were
some life-sized teddy bear.  She doesn’t at all look hesitant. 
I find Poppy in the empty Library.  She is sitting in the seat I normally take,
so I take Snape’s.  His thick scent immediately over takes my senses and I’m
reminded of the pain deep in my bones that I still feel.  She reaches over with
a vial. 
“You may wish to take this.  I can imagine that you are in pain now, correct?” 
I immediately drink the contents down needing this pain to dissipate even if
only a little.  “I am assuming that you know nothing?”
“No.  I don’t.”  She nods.  Then turns to the head elf. 
“Niffy, might you bring us some tea?  I would be very grateful.”  Reluctantly
she disappears to retrieve the asked for drink. 
“Poppy, can you please…”  She holds up her hand. 
“We will wait until Niffy returns.” 
“You know about the elves.”  I say instead.  She nods thoughtfully.
“Yes.  It was very important to Severus that the existence of his elves remain
secret.  Especially little Wendy’s.  You may not be aware, but a house elf
without magic is considered useless.  They are more often than not killed.  The
existence of one Is very rare, but they are not typically granted a long life. 
Because of this, and the nature of his other elves, very few have had the
privilege of meeting them.”
“Snape must really trust you.”  I say lightly.  She laughs.
“Yes, Severus does indeed trust me completely.”
“How did you… get him to… trust you like that.”  I’m not sure why I’m asking or
why I want to know.  She closes her old aged eyes for a moment in thought.
“I did the absolute unthinkable.”  She says laughing all the while.  “I
defended a Slytherin student.”  She actually rolls her eyes.  “The school is
much to divided.  A person in the right is in the right no matter what house
they are aligned with.   My first year as a medi-witch at Hogwarts, there was
this little awkward Slytherin boy that always seemed to get into trouble.  This
group of Gryffindor boys put him in my beds more often than I can even recall. 
Most of the time the injuries were minor.  Once though.  He was attacked by a
werewolf at the school.”  She looks at me knowingly.  “That boy was
unfortunately at the wrong place at the wrong time.  He was way to curious. 
Still.  It didn’t matter how close his life came to being forfeit.  He received
all of the blame while the guilty party was more or less ignored.”  She
exhales.  “I have also tended to Severus’s wounds many times.  I’ve earned his
trust through years of kindness.  He is not an easy man to sway, but once he
trusts you, once he cares for you, he will do anything in his power for that
person’s safety and happiness.  Every student that has ever entered my medical
wing is in my care.  Regardless.”
“Your tea.”  Niffy says handing a cup to Poppy and then to me. 
“Niffy, is there anything you would like to say?”  The house elf remains
silent.  “Niffy, you are a great house elf, and I know your primary goal is to
please your master, but you do realize that doing as he desires may not benefit
him in the long run.  Young Harry may seem brash,” Poppy looks at me, “and
there are many things he doesn’t understand, but I believe he has a right to
know about this bond that he is apart of.”  Niffy looks away again.
“Master is very… scared of this bond.” 
“I’m sure he Is Niffy.  Maybe young Harry can help us alleviate that some.” 
The two lock eyes and seem to have an unspoken conversation.  Then the house
elf nods. 
“I will trust that you have my master’s best in mind.”  Poppy smiles gently. 
“I always do Niffy.  Harry.”  She turns to me.  “This pain you are feeling, I’m
sure you understand that it’s not yours.  You are feeling a muted version of
whatever Severus feels.  You claim that you have not been feeling pain that
comes and goes suddenly?”
“I have… But it never lasts for long.  I just thought… I don’t know what I
thought.”  Poppy nods at my answer.
“If I had to guess, I would say that Severus who is known to be skilled in
occlumency has been shielding you.  The effect on one’s body is transferred to
the bond mate as well. Strong thoughts.  Dreams are often a common one.”  She
turns to Niffy.  “It is clear that Severus is sleeping even less regularly than
normal.”
“Yes.  Master did not want Harry to possibly see a dream.  He has slept as
little as he possibly can.”
“I can equally understand why Severus may have not wanted you to know.  You
would not like him seeing so easily nightmares that we both know you have.  Or
any strangeness your body may experience.  Severus is a very private man.  He
doesn’t wish to share and he doesn’t wish to be shared with.  It is just how he
is.”
“Um.  Are you saying that he can see any dream?”
“No.  I’m saying he can see all of your dreams.  Just as you can see his. 
Severus cannot shield his mind when he is unconscious, so I can only surmise
that the few times you’ve felt that phantom pain was when he lost
consciousness.”  He’s seen my dreams.  He’s seen that dream.  “Severus is very
skittish by nature.  He would seek to protect his weak points first.  Hiding
anything that can make him look week.  And that isn’t even bringing up the
Death eater meetings.”  She actually shivers. 
This is humiliating.  He knows about that stupid dream.  I don’t think I can
look him in the eyes again.  It’s no wonder he was acting so… elusive.  He was
trying not to let on that he knew about.  Damn it that dream was too vivid.
“You and he will have to learn to work together.  I know that both of you have
started, but as a bonded pair, there will be many differences that you two will
have to overcome.”
“We only have to make it until the war and then Snape said he could unbond
us.”  She stands abruptly knocking the tea onto the group.  Her face is twisted
in righteous fury.  And all of the fury is focused on me.  I look to Niffy for
help.  Or an explanation.  What did I do?
“You will not ask Severus to break the bond.”  Her tone is threatening.  Daring
me to go against her.  She’s searching my face, and in the next moment hers
softens.  “You don’t know what that would entail do you?”  She asks
breathlessly.  “You have no idea what he would have to sacrifice.  You weren’t
told.  Dumbledore and Severus knew you wouldn’t agree if you knew, so they kept
it from you with half baked lies.” 
“Poppy, I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Harry Potter.  Dear.  Bonds are seldom used because of how unbreakable they
are.  Most conventional wizards and witches do not use them because the option
of leaving is all but void.  There are two types of bonds that two magical folk
will enter into.  The first is the most common.  It unites them in body.  The
mind can still change.  And the bond can be broken.  And then there is the one
that you entered into with Severus.  It is a bond of the soul.  The stronger
the bond the more damaging it is to leave it.  You and he are both strong
wizards.”  She’s pacing frantically.  Niffy is looking at her feet in shame. 
“To ask him to break the bond.  At best, all of his magic would be forfeit and
he would have less magic than a squib.  That’s at best.  At worse- and more
likely in the case of you and Severus.  In order to break the bond he would
have to relinquish his own life.” 
 
***** Call me 'Harry' *****
Chapter Notes
     onward my ducklings
See the end of the chapter for more notes
He’s sitting upright in his bed.  His chest is bare except for the numerous
bandages.  A day with those potion-soaked bandages should be enough to have him
back to… whatever his norm is.  He’s glaring at me.  Waiting for me to say
something to set him off.  Waiting for me to condemn or judge him.  Waiting for
me to say anything.  But I can’t think of anything to say.  It’s all so much to
process. 
Poppy was adamant that Snape not be kept in the dark about my newfound
knowledge.  And as much as it makes the entire situation more awkward, I agreed
with her.  So, it’s just me and him in a stare off, waiting for the other
person to lead.  I’m afraid to start off.  I’m afraid to set him off.  It’s
clear from his face that he doesn’t want me around him while he’s licking his
wounds.  He doesn’t want me to know anymore about him than what he himself
tells me.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t have that luxury anymore. 
“There is no reason to break the bond once the war ends.”  I choke the words
out.  His eyes only narrow at me.  “Had I known the repercussions before, I
would have had the same stance.  Like it or not, we are bonded together.”  His
dark eyes stab into me.  I find it easier to not look at him while I talk.  He
is an intimidating man.  He’s never scared me in the past, but somehow, I think
I’m afraid of him now.   Afraid to be hated.  Or even liked for that matter. 
“If after the war you or I find someone that we desire to be with, then we can
discuss what steps to take.  I know that there is no one that I care to be with
at this point in my life, but I know neither of us can talk about what may
happen in the future.  If you happen to find someone that you love, then I will
not stand in the way.  Obviously, they would have to be told that you and I are
bonded, but I’m sure they will understand that it had to be done.”
I chance a look at him.  The only emotion on his face is indifferent anger. 
“Potter.”  He starts.  But he doesn’t continue. 
“Snape.”  I reply.  He shakes his head and the anger is faded and replaced with
something else.
“We will discuss what will happen after the war, once this war is finally
over.  If we both manage to live through it at least.”  He adds quietly at the
end. 
“Don’t hold back anymore.  Please.”  I say diving in to the deep end.  His eyes
are again narrowed.  “You haven’t been sleeping.  I guess you didn’t want me to
see any of your dreams.”
“Dreamless sleep can be taken once every three days without any ill effects. 
Rest assured, even before we were bonded, I did not sleep every night.”  I look
away from him again.
“I wont bring up any of your dreams that I see, if you don’t bring up mine.”  I
try to force my body language to not be awkward, but I don’t know how
successful I am.  “I have nightmares sometimes that I wouldn’t want anyone to
know about.  You already know things about me that I would prefer no one
know.”  His eyes soften, then immediately harden again as if he realized he was
showing kindness.  “I know that you aren’t evil.  And I know you aren’t a bad
guy.  Everyone that trusts you says that you behave how you feel you have to.”
He remains silent.
“Please.  Don’t be mean to me.”  I feel like a child begging his bully for
relief.  “I don’t care what your reason is.  We can work through our
differences.  And please.”  My stomach feels sick.  “Don’t waste that much food
again.  I can’t…”  I feel like I could throw up.  “I can’t stand it.”  He
exhales.
“I know.  That’s why I did it.”  His hand clinches the blanket.  His eyes stare
blankly ahead, focused on nothing.  “Potter.  The reason you are alive is
because of me.” 
“I know that you’ve saved my hide a lot of times but…”
“No.”  He cuts me off.  “The reason you are ‘the boy who lived’ is because of
me.  The reason you are an orphan and the reason you lived that night.”
“I lived because my mother loved me!”
“You lived because she was given the choice.”  He says.  “I was once a member
of the death eaters because I thought it was where I belonged.  I had nothing. 
Except a friendship.  You know that Lily and I were friends.”  I nod.  “There
was a period of my life where I felt alone.  Even my closest friend was leaving
me.  So I made a mistake.  In those times, I mostly was an informant.  I
searched for information.  But honestly my heart wasn’t in the so called
‘cause’.”  He shakes his head.  “I cannot say that I was ever against muggles
and certainly I wasn’t against muggle born witches.  But I fell into the honey
pot.  A group that thought I held value.  I was a lonely child and it certainly
didn’t take much for me to sell my soul.”  He’s looking up at the ceiling.  In
thought.  “My talents were primarily stealth.  Brewing potions naturally, but I
was also skilled at gathering information.  I overheard part of a prophecy.”
I don’t dare speak for fear of closing him off again.  So I remain silent. 
Waiting for him to speak.  Waiting for his next word.
“I honestly didn’t believe the prophecy.  After all is was said by Trelawney. 
I still question if that woman is a loon.  I was already reluctant in my role,
but the most harm that could be done was some random family be killed.  I had
already stained my hands so much, that it hardly mattered anymore.  I later
learned that Lily’s child was the one in the prophecy.  I told the dark lord
the information that caused him to target my only friend.”  He exhales.  “I
begged him.  I begged him to spare Lily.  If no one else.  Spare her because I
was his loyal follower.  And because he is fond of me, he gave her the choice. 
She could live or she could die along side her son.”  He looks at me.  “You
know which she chose.  But the reason you lived was because she had the
choice.  Whereas your father and many other parents did not.”  He’s not looking
at me.  His face is blank.  I’m not even sure how I feel about that
information.
“Snape.”
“I swore to protect Lily’s child at the cost of my own life.  There is nothing
worthwhile about my existence, and I’ve tired of living anyways.  After the
war, if I even manage to survive it, I will likely be sent to Azkaban.  And
even if I am not.  I’ve grown tired of living.  I would not have said that I
would end the bond unless I meant to.  You will not be bonded to me after the
war.  It is hardly a sacrifice on my part so much as sweet relief.  Now.  Get
out of my room.”  His words hold no heat.  I can’t move my legs. 
Does he really feel that low about himself?  Where death is a comfortable
alley.  I’ve dealt with a lot.  More than I even let on.  There are days that I
hate waking up, but I’ve never truly wanted to die.  There is a lot of bad in
the world, but there is a lot of good too.  Does he truly not believe that
anymore. 
“I said get out.”  I still can’t move.  “Potter.  You will leave now.”  I’m
trying to figure out why I can’t move my legs to leave then it clicks.  I don’t
want to leave like this.  I don’t want to just let him have the last word if
it’s about killing himself.  I don’t want him thinking that he has that option.
“No.”  I find my Gryffindor courage.  “I’m not leaving.  We aren’t done
talking.”
“Yes we are, get out.”  His voice drips venom. 
“I am not done so I am not leaving.  And right now, you are to injured to
leave.  This is probably my only chance to talk to you without you storming off
and I’m going to take it.”
“Get out!”  He throws a pillow and it hits me right in the chest.  I’m just
thankful nothing heavy is within arms length of him. 
“Snape.  Just listen to me for a moment.”
“There is nothing you have to say that I need to hear.”
“My mom wouldn’t want you to kill yourself.”  His eyes are fiery rage.
“You never even knew Lily.  Do not speak as if…”
“I know I didn’t.  But you did!  Do you really think she would want that for
you.”  He’s dying down.  “We have to trust each other.  You have to rely on me
and I have to rely on you.  I know there are things you do not want me to
know!”  He’s grabbing another pillow.  “And there are things I don’t want you
to know.  I have nightmares.  Nightmares where I hear my mother screaming.”  It
makes me sick.  I haven’t had them since I’ve been staying here, but I use to
have them nightly.”  The pillow is held tightly in his hand.  “There are things
I don’t want anyone to know.  But I trust you.  I know if you act moody or
angry you have a reason.  I’m trying to be understanding.  I’m trying to not
push, but I can’t help it!  You refuse to lean on me.  You refuse to rely on me
even though it was you who said we needed to trust each other.  I’m doing my
part!”
“Potter.”
“Severus.”  I challenge.  His name feels so odd on my tongue.  Like a foreign
language.  His eyes are killing.  “If you can let your elves call you ‘Sevey’
then your bond mate should be able to call you by your first name.”  I say
simply.  “Don’t you agree Severus.”  I say again.  It doesn’t sound as odd the
second time.
“Leave Potter.”
“Harry.  My first name is Harry.”
“Potter.  You will leave now.”
“’Harry, I would like you to leave’” I say.  The knuckles of his hands are
white.  His dark eyes are seething.
“Potter.”
“Harry.”  I say.  “I will leave when you ask me to leave.  Not when you ask the
idea you have of me.  I’m not my father.  I have been respectful to you.  And I
am still trying to be respectful.  We are bond mates.  We have to trust each
other.”  He won’t say my name.  I’m not sure if it’s because of pride or
something else.  “It’s just a name Severus.” 
“Stop talking!” 
“Just ask me to leave and I will.  I’m not trying to upset you.  I’ve never
liked the way you call me Potter.  It’s like you’re blaming me for everything
my father did.”  His hands are holding the pillow firmly.  I can tell he’s
contemplating throwing it at me.  “It reminds me of the way my uncle would call
me boy.  Like I don’t deserve a real name.  I don’t like it.  I’m trying to be
honest with you.  I’ve never told anyone about that.”  I don’t like feeling
vulnerable.  His hand releases the pillow and it’s like his body has turned to
liquid.
“Go away Harry.”  He’s not looking at me.
“Yes sir.  Try to get some rest Severus.  I’ll check on you later.”
Chapter End Notes
     so the idea of Severus being the reason Harry is the boy who lived is
     actually pretty true to canon... he did ask Voldy to spare Lily and
     she wouldn't move even though she had the option to live. So yeah.
***** getting closer *****
Chapter Notes
     so you might notice that I've posted two chapters.... it's because I
     had one of them written for a while lol. So i figure I will not make
     all of you wait. Anyways, onward my ducklings.
Since Severus has recovered, he’s been coldly ignoring me as much as he can. 
We practice occlumency, defense spells, but the remainder of the time, he
ignores me.  Sometimes he’s sitting inside the forbidden room upstairs.  I saw
him and immediately left him be.  My weakness is respecting boundaries.  I’m
trying to do better.  Who ever ‘Princess’ was, was special and it’s clearly
still a sensitive topic.  So I’ll leave him alone about it. 
He doesn’t look quite as yellow, I think he’s actually sleeping more
regularly.  I know he has.  I’ve seen some of his dreams.  I’ve not commented
on any of them.  I think it’s best for now if we both pretend I can’t see his
nightmares.  He never seems to have good dreams. 
Today, he’s actually in his lab brewing.  His hair looks greasy today, but I
know now that it’s the protective potions he puts in his hair.  He’s ignoring
me while I watch him brew.  There is something about the way he moves that is
unnaturally graceful.  Chopping or dicing ingredients with ease.  A gentle sway
of hips as he moves.  Focused on only his potion.  His hands are stained, but I
can’t stop looking at them.  It’s fascinating the way those long fingers grip
confidently on a knife or wand.  On the stirring stick.  The muggle clothes he
wears while at home, flatter his lanky body better than the ominous robes.  Not
that the robes are bad, but it makes him look harsher than he really is.
“Harry, is there any reason you are ogling me.”  He says snidely.  His dark
eyes are cutting into me.
“I just noticed that you look a lot more attractive when you are relaxed.”  Why
did I say that.  Why did I say that!  Stupid impulsive mouth.  His mouth twists
harshly.
“You will not mock me Potter.”  His tone is threatening.  Damn it. 
“I wasn’t mocking you I swear!  I was just talking out loud.  I didn’t even
mean to say that.  You just never look relaxed.  This is the first time I’ve
seen you like this.”  I can tell that every muscle in his body is tense. 
“Severus, I wasn’t mocking you.”  Why do I always talk when I should stay
quiet?  He tilts his head inspecting me.  “It was a compliment.  Or I meant it
as a compliment at least.”  Sometimes tell me that he isn’t accustomed to
receiving compliments, and certainly not about his looks.  “Why do you want to
be the defense again dark arts professor so badly, it looks like you actually
enjoy potions.”  It’s no secret among everyone at Hogwarts that Professor Snape
has been trying to get the teaching job for years. 
“Potions hold little value in the war.  True enough, healing droughts and the
like are important, but it is more likely that my students will be under curses
and jinxes, and they will need to know how to combat them.  Most of the DADA
teachers have been piss poor at best.  Some more evil then even the dark
lord.”  Umbridge.  My hands still have faint scars from her ‘detentions.’  Last
year, Severus wasn’t necessarily bad.  I do wonder though if he held back so
that he would not look suspicious to the dark lord.  When he left the school
after his failed attempt at ‘killing the headmaster’, I honestly felt
betrayed.  Dumbledore trusted him, and I honestly thought he was trying to kill
the headmaster and he just happened to have failed.
“I know we never really talked about it, but your potions textbook.  The fact
that you were, well are the half blood prince.  The way you explained things in
there were much easier to understand than in the potions classroom.  You should
write a textbook.”  I wring my hands together.  He exhales.
“I have.  No one will publish a textbook written by a death-eater.  As for that
old textbook of mine.  I owned it during a dark time in my life.  Many of those
spells,”  He looks at me pointedly, “were not intended for use outside of war. 
I was fascinated with dark arts from a purely educational point of view.  If
one is willing to use dark means, they can accomplish everything.  But Harry. 
Everything has a price.  When Lily died, I researched any way to bring her
back.”  He exhales.  Then he laughs.  It’s not a pleasant laugh though.  It’s
bitter.  And angry.  “There was a way.  It likely would have worked.  But the
price was much to high.  And Lily would not have wanted to live under those
circumstances.”
“What… what was the price.”  I shouldn’t ask.  It’s clear I will not like the
answer.  He only laughs more. 
“Forgive my paraphrasing, it was written in Latin and far to complicated to
repeat.  Suffice to say, I could have brought her back, if I killed you.”  He
laughs bitterly.  “Here I am, reading this old tome searching for any way to
bring my only friend back to life.  My only friend that choose her sons life
over hers and I find that the only way is to kill the person she died
protecting.  If it were any life for hers, then I could have accomplished it. 
I had already realized that her living was worth so much more than me.”  He
shakes his head. 
“It wasn’t your fault.  Not really.  It was Voldemort’s.”
“Don’t say his name Harry.”  He sounds exhausted.  “Believe me when I say that
I searched for any way to right my wrongs.  But somethings cannot be fixed.” 
I’m not sure what I should do; so, I do the only thing I can think of.  I hug
him.  He just remains stiff in my embrace, but I can’t think of anything to
do.  He’s hurting.  I suppose he hurts a lot.  But I can’t help him. 
“It’s in the past.”  He doesn’t say anything.  “Right now, we need to focus on
how to survive the present so that we can make it to the future.”  I let him go
and he at least looks calmer.  “I wonder who Dumbledore intends to bring in as
potions and DADA professor.”  Severus rubs his temple. 
“I have no idea.  The headmaster isn’t exactly prone on letting anyone else in
on his plans.”  The silence is building between us and though it’s not
completely awkward, I feel like I should say something.
“Thank you for saving me from Quirrell during my first Quidditch match.  I
found out at the end of that year, but I never thank you.  And thank you during
my second year for indirectly teaching me expelliarmus, even though you didn’t
intentionally teach it to me, I has been a very useful spell to me.  And third
year, even though Sirius wasn’t really trying to kill me, you thought he was,
and you protected me then.  Forth year, you rescued me from the imposter, and
then fifth year with Umbridge.  She wanted you to give her truth serum to use
on me.  But you said that you did not have any.  I’m sure you were lying.  You
never let any of your stores go empty… And then you saved me when my relatives
house was raided.  I know you’ve saved me even more times than I know, and I
know that I haven’t thanked you for any of those times.  I’m sorry and thank
you.”
“I did not do it for you Potter.”
“Harry.”  I say.  “And it doesn’t matter what your reason is.  I’m still
thankful.  So thank you Severus.”  He turns back to his potion.  I’m not sure
if he is ignoring me, or just doesn’t want to think about what I’ve said.  He
deserves to be thanked. 
“Tomorrow, you will be going to Hogwarts.  Get your class list and get out of
this house for a few hours, I’m sure that will aid in recovering your sanity.” 
“What?”
“I said that you are going to Hogwarts tomorrow.  As crazed as you sound, you
no doubt need to see your friends.”
“But.  Are you sure that it’s safe to do that?”
“I have intended for you to visit them for a while, tomorrow will be the best
day for you to do that.”
“Why tomorrow?”  He turns back to his potion and ignores me.  When I ask him
again, he doesn’t so much as twitch.  Maybe I should be frustrated with him,
but I’m just really looking forward to seeing my friends. 
 
***** Happy birthday *****
Chapter Notes
     I hope all of you are enjoying this story, onward my ducklings.
“Are you sure it’s alright for me to see my friends.”  I ask Snape- Severus
now.
“Yes P… Harry.  You will be perfectly safe at Hogwarts for a few hours.  We
cannot do this regularly, so make this visit with your insufferable friends
count.”  It’s been so long since I’ve seen then or spoken to them.  “It is
imperative that you do not tell them the nature of our relationship.”  He says
the last word with a scoff.  “You are merely staying at a safe house in a
location that you are unsure of.” 
“Right.”
“I am serious Harry.  If your friends have information about your whereabouts,
then they will only be that much more of a target from the dark lord.  As such,
Niffy is accompanying you to ensure that you do not lose your tongue.”  I laugh
lightly at that.  “She is also accompanying you for extra protection- one can
never be to careful after all.”  When I laugh again he looks at me seriously. 
“I would not doubt her Harry.”  He actually smiles.  “I would sooner go up
against the dark lord himself then try to hurt someone that Niffy has decided
to protect.” 
“Niffy will make sure that Harry comes back safely and all in one piece.”  She
assures. 
“I will open up the floo, Niffy, I expect both of you back by five.”  That
gives me almost four hours with them.  I haven’t been able or allowed to owl
them other than that one letter I handed off to Dumbldore.  This will be my
first contact with them in what feels like forever.  I’ve wanted to talk with
them for so long.  I knew it wasn’t feasible though.  It was actually Severus
who set this up.  He told me if I wanted to see my friends he could arrange
it.  I’m thankful for it.
The two of them have been staying at Hogwarts.  Both of their families have
aurors watching their home at all times to protect their family, and it’s not
lost on me that Severus is the one who set that up too.  I didn’t even think
that they might would be targeted. 
When I walk into the great hall, Hermione immediately embraces me, then Ron
clasps me on the back.
“We’ve been worried sick.  When the headmaster said that we would get to see
you today, we were so excited.”  Ron says.  “Didn’t think we were ever going to
hear from you.”
“There’s just been a lot going on, and I’m not able to communicate with the
outside world while I’m in hiding.”  Hermione looks to the elf quietly at my
side. 
“Harry, who is this.”
“This is Niffy.  She is the house elf at the safe house that I’ve been staying
at.”
“Niffy is pleased to make your acquaintance.”  She says politely.  Both openly
look at her.  I forget that she’s severely physically disabled.  I’m so use to
it now that I don’t even think about it.
“Harry!  I can’t believe you are taking advantage of a house elf.  What about
S.P.E.W.!”
“’mione, I promise, I’m not taking advantage of Niffy.”
“Harry, we should free her at once.”  Niffy hold up her hand.
“Niffy is already a free elf.  Niffy has been free for a long time, but indulge
me miss.  Niffy enjoys taking care of her masters.”
“You shouldn’t have to care for any master though.  You deserve…”
“Miss, please do not speak for Niffy.  Niffy is very happy.”  I can’t hold back
from actually laughing
“Just save it for another elf ‘mione, this one appears all set.”  Rom pipes
in. 
“Sorry Niffy, Hermione means well.”  I say lightly.  Niffy nods.
“Yes yes, Gryffindor’s often do.”  She smiles at me.  “Niffy will sit and wait
until Harry is ready to leave.  Simply tell Niffy if you are needing
anything.”  She sits down a few seats away.  Close enough to keep an eye on me,
but far enough away to give us some privacy.  Hermione hands me my schedule. 
Trust her to already have it for me.
“Harry you should get the books for your classes soon.  It’s never to early to
start studying.” 
“I will soon ‘mione.  I haven’t really gotten a chance yet.”  I know she means
well, but school is the least of my problems.
“He’s still got two weeks until term.  No need to rush out.” 
“You would do well ordering yours as well Ron.”
The conversation is easy and comfortable.  I’ve missed this. 
We spend an hour just talking about everything.  Classes.  Supplies.  Gossip. 
It’s comfortable, but I knew that we wouldn’t stay on safe topics forever.
“Harry, what really happened.  Why is it that you are no longer at your
aunts?”  Hermione asks.  She held off longer than I thought she would.
“All I can really say is that the bond that was keeping me safe there, broke. 
I can’t say anything else.  Is there anything new going on with you two?”  They
look directly at each other having an unspoken conversation.  I hate those.  I
hate being out of the loop.  I hate not being on equal footing.
“Harry, uh.  Ron and I…”  She motions to him.
“Hermione and I are officially dating.”
“Congratulations.”  I say.  And I mean it.  I really do.  I’m happy for my
friends.  Ron seems a bit more relaxed. 
“Ginny has been asking about you like crazy.”  Yea.  Ginny.  I forgot there was
a brief period that I liked her.  “If you and my sis got together, we could
double date.  And if we all got married, we would all be family.  Like
officially.”  Ron says excitedly.  Niffy is looking directly at me. 
“Sorry Ron, I’m already…”  I can’t really say in a relationship.  They will
want to know who. I can’t tell them who.”
“You’re already what?”  Hermione asks.  “Are you in a relationship with
someone?”  She always did catch on fast.
“Yea.  Sorta.  I can’t really talk about it, but once I can, I promise you two
will be the first I tell.”  Why do I want to tell them?  I know how they feel
about Severus.  Honestly between Severus and Ginny at least one of them
understands basic social etiquette.  One of them is a lot closer to my age. 
Has more things in common with me.  Actually likes me.  Still.  Maybe it’s the
bond or the prolonged exposure to Severus, but I think much higher of him than
I use too.  I actually worry about him.  I would even say (only in the safety
of my mind of course) that I care for him.  Not love.  Merlin no.  Not love. 
But.  Something. 
I would like for the old greasy bat to be happy.  After recent events, it looks
like the closest he will get to that will be with me.  It’s been tense since
Poppy spilled the secret.  Severus has more or less refused to talk about it
since then, but he calls me by my first name- most of the time.  And I have to
think that that is an improvement.  So, I would like for Severus to be happy. 
He deserves it.
However that can be accomplished. 
“Can you tell us anything about her?”  Ron asks.  I try to think of something
that can pacify them for now.  Niffy is intently paying attention. 
“I can say that she isn’t a she.”  I say tentatively.  Both Ron and Hermione
look back and forth at each other.
“Harry, are you a poof?”  Ron asks seriously.  I never really thought about how
they would respond to the thought of me being with a guy. 
“No.  Yes.  I don’t really know.  I don’t think it matters much.”  I say
honestly. 
“Does he at least treat you right Harry?”  Hermione saves the situation.
“Honestly, he’s kind of hard to understand.  We haven’t been together that
long.  I don’t really know as much about him as I’d like too.  He has a pretty
thick wall and he doesn’t seem to like the idea of anyone getting to know him,
at least not easily.”  From the way I described him, I can tell Ron and ‘mione
are concerned.  “He treats me like a person.  I like that.”  I say.  And it’s
true.  I do like how Severus treats me like I’m the same as everyone else.  But
I also don’t.  I need to feel like I’m special to certain people.  Not because
I’m the boy who lived.. but because.. they care about me. 
A flash of pain goes up my spine, and I can’t keep from doubling over.    The
pain is replaced with an overwhelming amount of pleasure.  It isn’t a pleasant
pleasure though.  It’s a torturous stimulation overload kind of pleasure.  Is
Severus okay.  I’m really worried now.  It comes and goes in waves.  We
couldn’t have been gone for more than an hour.
“Harry are you alright.”  Hermione’s hand is on my shoulder.
“I’m alright.  It’s just been a long day.  Niffy, I think it’s best if we go
back a little early.”  This pain and then pleasure and then pain again will not
cease.  It’s unbearable.  My friends are concerned.  I understand.  But I’m
fine.  “Niffy, we have to go back now.”  She shakes her head.
“Yes, please say your goodbyes.”  Both of them hug me, and each of them pulls a
wrapped present from their robes to give to me. 
“The house elves were going to be bringing up a cake soon.  We had hopped to
surprise you.”  Today… it’s my birthday.  “Happy birthday Harry.”  Hermione and
Ron both hug me.
“We will see you when term starts.  Please feel better.”  Hermione says to me
worriedly.  “Or maybe you should see Poppy?”  She suggests.
“No, I think I just need to rest.  Niffy and I should be getting back soon
anyways.  Thank you.  Both of you.”  I have to see if Severus is okay. 
***** he needs me *****
Chapter Notes
     please feel free to just go past this block of blah, I just need to
     vent and I just can't do it in real life. It's been a rough few days.
     I've felt fine and then it hit me. Everyone is going to die. Just
     like my step mom. My dad. Me. Everyone and I started getting anxious
     and emotional. I'm still not better. I had 80 percent of this chapter
     done... but I just couldn't get back to it. I knew what I wanted to
     write, but my fingers wouldn't move. I've skipped school. Laid in bed
     all day. I couldn't bring myself to get dressed. I know I'll have
     those days... I shouldn't be disappointed in myself, but I also know
     letting the depression consume me will not help either. I can't talk
     to my dad. If I cry around him he cries. And I can't do that. My
     little brother is only seven. We pray together and I try not to cry.
     I try not to be bitter. I've never been really religious. But my step
     mom was and she would want me to do everything I can to walk her son
     down the correct path. I'm trying. Sorry. This isn't what yall come
     here for. I know that. I'm okay. Mostly anyways. On a completely
     different note I have started a youtube channel where I plan to do a
     few gaming videos. Maybe other stuff eventually. I just need to stay
     distracted. It's still super new it only has two videos lol, but once
     it get's more filled out, maybe I'll post a link if any of yall are
     interested in seeing me talk to myself while playing random video
     games. I do so much random stuff that it might be cool to post it.
     I'm not sure. Anyways. Onward my ducklings.
I’m pacing.  I can’t calm down.  I’ll occasionally feel a searing pain shoot up
my back before it vanishes.  It hurts so bad.  He’s still not back.  Niffy is
sitting watching me pace.  She’s tried to calm me.  Assure me that him being
gone for long lengths is normal.  But he still isn’t back.  I refuse to lie to
myself.  Of course, I’m concerned.  Of course, I’m worried.  I feel sick.  Like
I could throw up at any moment.  I feel like I need to throw up.  And I can
only guess that it’s because he feels that way. 
In the same spot as before, a mountain of bedding has been laid down.  For when
he apparates back I’m sure. 
Brux is sitting next to the mountain staring at it blindly.  “I don’t know when
he will be back Harry.”  He says quietly but clearly.  “I can see flashes of
what will happen, but I am not all knowing.  I know he will be hurt.  I know he
will need help.  But I cannot see when it will happen.”  Niffy lovingly touches
his head.
“You are doing your best.”  She says encouraging.  Zend is beside his brother
already prepared with potions.
“I need a distraction.”  I say more to myself.  Little Wendy grabs my hand and
pulls me down on the floor. 
“Wen wen has been here second longest!”  She says proudly. 
“I don’t understand what you mean Wendy.”  She tilts her head then looks over
at the other elves. 
“She means Harry, that she was the second elf that Sevey took in.  I was the
first.  Then Wendy, then Brux, then Zend.”  Niffy says while easing gently on
the ground as well.  “For each of us, Sevey was instructed to kill us.  We had
no use to the wizard families we were once apart of.  Wendy was a newborn at
the time.  Only a few days old when Sevey took her in.  He told me that she was
to be my daughter.”  Niffy smiles lovingly at the smallest of the three house
elves.  “I was never able to have any children of my own.  I was unable. 
Because of that, I have always had a fondness for little ones.”  She looks
sadly down at the floor.  “And that also went for the little ones of the wizard
family I was once part of.”
“Niffy?”  She looks up at me. 
“That’s how I was injured like this.  I got between the wee little one and a
werewolf.  The wizard family I was part of, followed that horrible man that
Sevey is with right now.  They displeased that horrible man and as punishment,
he threw their baby to some werewolf that was working with him.  I was ordered
to allow the atrocity.  I couldn’t.”  She touches her mangled leg.  “I loved
that baby.  I’m sure somewhere I still do.  I believe that the mother at least
was thankful, but still.  They had no need for a useless elf.  They asked Sevey
to ‘dispose’ of me.  So.  He did.  In his own way.”
“What was the family?”
“The Malfoys.  But it was a very long time ago.  Sevey still watches over
little Draco for me.  I’m sure he has no knowledge of the house elf that loved
him like her own, but that was a very long time ago.”
“Draco Malfoy.”  I say more to myself.  He was loved by this elf so much that
she was willing to die to keep him safe. 
“I’m still not sure what possessed Sevey to save me.  But I can guess.  That
was shortly after your mother protected you.  Maybe because I did something
similar it stood out to him.  He mostly left me to my vices.  Ignored me more
like.”  She laughs lightly.  “He was just a wizard that opened his home for me,
I knew nothing of him.”  Her eyes are cloudy.  “And then Princess.  Little
Princess.”  She shakes her head.  “All of the life in this home surfaced with
her, and then left with her.  I didn’t think I would ever see my master smile
again.  I didn’t think he would recover.  He became so bitter.  So angry.  I
cannot blame him for it.”  Princess again.  She seems to be a reoccurring theme
that is never really talked about even though everyone seems to know about
her.  Except for me.
“Then Sevey adopted Wen Wen!”  Wendy says excitedly.  She holds out her hands
to indicate something small.  “Wen Wen was only this big.”  Her smiles is
large.
“Yes, little Wendy.”  Niffy pats the small head again.  “Sevey stood holding
her as if she was the something that was missing.  I still think it’s because
of her name.  I’m sure it reminded him of his own Princess.  How could he not
love this one too.”  Niffy looks almost sad.  “Sevey has had to fight for any
happiness.  Everything has been taken.  Wendy, Brux, and Zend are secrets.  No
one can know.  Because Sevey needs them.” 
Wendy jumps up excitedly.  “Sevey has Harhar too!”  Little Wendy sits on my
lap.  “Wendy likes Harhar.”  She’s smiling at me with large eyes.  Her pointed
ears twitch and it’s to adorable to not melt.  I’m sure she’s part of the
reason Severus is so soft here.  It’s hard to be harsh under this much love.
“I really like it here.  It actually feels like I’m part of a family.”  The
strange thing is, I really feel that way.  All of us.  Including Severus.  He’s
a git.  Sure enough.  A bastard at times as well.  But.  I want him to be
happy.  We are stuck with each other.  Most likely for the remainder of both of
our lives.  He isn’t going to break the bond.  I just can’t let him do that. 
“I like you too Wendy.  I like all of you very much.”  Wendy smiles at me. 
The pain hasn’t left.  Not fully.  It occasionally surfaces then fades back.  I
hate it, but at least I know he’s alive.  Hurting unbearably but alive.  I
don’t want him to go back.  He’s putting himself in unnecessary danger.  I
don’t want Severus to keep putting himself in danger. 
I watch Brux bite the side of his mouth.  He’s in thought, questioning
something, but not ready just yet to say it out loud.  When he stands all eyes
are on him. 
“Wendy.  Can you help me organize the books in Sevey’s lab.  He would like to
have it done for when he gets back.”  She nods excitedly, clearly happy to
help.  Then remembering that the other elf can’t see she shouts.
“Yes!  Wen Wen help!” 
“Good.  You go first, I will be right there.”  She’s taking the stairs, but
before Brux follows after her he pauses.  “He will not want to be seen by
anyone.  Harry, please.  Just.”  The elf grasps his arms together in a
protective manner.  “Don’t leave him alone and don’t hurt him.  We are all very
fond of him.”
“I don’t understand.  What should I do to help him?”  Brux shakes his head. 
“Zend, explain how to use the potions to Harry and then you should come help as
well.  Mama and Harry can handle this on their own.  I think… I hope.”  He
doesn’t sound very sure of himself.  Regardless, he leaves. 
I try to pay excellent attention to Zend’s instructions.  What potion goes
first, what is ingested and what is applied externally.  I pay attention
because it’s important.  I pay attention because I need to be able to help
him.  I need to be someone that he can lean on.  I have to grow up.  I have to
be someone that isn’t just protected.  I’m Seventeen.
Once Zend leaves, Niffy and I wait in quiet.  I don’t pace the floor like
before though.  I stay calm.  I try to practice occlumency while I can.  I try
to stay calm.  I try to not worry.  I try to stay calm.  I feel like I’m
holding my breath until I hear the familiar sound of someone apparateing.  And
then the not so familiar sound of him screaming. 
On the ground.  Clothes mostly torn.  Curled into a pitiful fetal position. 
Screaming.  His eyes are twisted shut and his knees pulled up almost to his
chest.  Immediately I move. 
I’m smearing potions over any injury I can and forcing him to drink down the
various liquids.  Even as he screams terrifyingly at me.  Even as he pushes me
away.  Even as he screams and begs for me to not touch him.  I push on. 
Because I know he’s not screaming at me.  Because I know he needs me to be calm
right now.  He needs me to be calm and to take care of him. 
He needs me to act as though I can’t see the blood staining the back of his
pants.
He needs me.
He needs me.
***** awkward shower *****
Chapter Notes
     I want to first say that I am very thankful for all of my wonderful
     readers. I can't say that I won't get emotional again, but I feel
     much better today. My friend came in to visit me. She lives 6 hours
     away so we don't get to see each other too often. I feel better with
     her around as well. I will go ahead and post this chapter, you all
     can expect the next chapter either monday or tuesday. All of the
     comments really helped me, and i will respond to each of you
     individually, but with so many lovely comments, it will take a bit of
     time. I am trying to take care of myself. Some days that is easier
     than others. I love all of you so much. Onward my ducklings.
He’s in my care.  Stark naked and dripping under the spray of the shower.  He’s
propped against the wall as I manually wash him.  He’s to drained to fight me. 
Or even say anything.  Something similar to shame darkens his sharp features,
but he doesn’t have much choice.  He’s hard.  I don’t say anything about it. 
I’m fully dressed and soaked.  I was not about to make the situation more
uncomfortable for him, but he needs a good through cleaning.  I can tell that’s
what he wants. 
He always wants a shower when he gets back from the death eater meetings.  Only
this time he’s not quite able to do it himself.  He’s spoken very little, but I
have the feeling he was drugged.  Given something to make him… respond.  His
legs are pressed tightly together in a futile attempt to hide himself. 
Semen is leaking from his anus.  He can hardly hold himself up even while using
the wall. 
“Severus.”  I say calmly.  He deliberately looks away from me.  Gently I
squeeze his hand.  “We have to clean inside you.”  He’s shaking his head
desperately while trying to back away from me.  “Severus.  It’s okay.  Lean
against me.  I’ll hold you up while you…”  I don’t finish speaking.  He pushes
himself securely into the wall.  His dark eyes are bloodshot and puffy.  He’s
been crying.  I swallow that thought down.  “Severus.  Please.  Either you have
to or I will.  I know you want to be clean, and I know you don’t want to rely
on me, but I’m the one who’s here.  I’m not going to hurt you.  I swear.” 
“I’ll never be clean.”  He says so quietly that I can hardly hear him over the
spray of the shower.  My arms wrap tightly around him.  I can feel his sharp
bones digging jaggedly into me.  I can feel his skin flushed and warm from
arousal.  I can feel his erection pressed between us, and I force my overactive
hormones to die.  Now is not the time for that. 
“If you’re dirty, then I’m dirty.”  I say as clearly into his ear as I can. 
His body is shaking in my arms but I’m not really sure from which emotion.  A
muted half moan leaves his mouth just before he shamefully cums all over my
shirt.  Weak arms attempt to push me away, but I don’t let him.   “It’s okay
Severus.  Don’t worry about that right now.  We need to get you clean.  I know
you don’t want to be touched right now, but if you can’t do it, then I will. 
And I know that means that you’ll be angry with me.  And I know that means that
you may not trust me as much afterwards, but damn it.  You can’t just leave it
in there.  So, I’ll hold you up.  I know this is embarrassing for you, but I’ll
hold you up.”
One of my arms goes under his and wraps around his middle, while the other
rests against the back of his head.  My fingers pat down his slick hair in a
futile attempt to keep him calm.  I fight down any semblance of desire that I
may feel.  I don’t want to be aroused in this situation.  I don’t want to ever
take advantage of him, but the way his fingers desperately dig into my shoulder
and the way his narrow hips feverously press against me is tricking my ‘other
brain’.  This is not him acting for sex, this is him drugged and ashamed.  His
other hand is reaching around, but he can’t so much as insert a finger before
he’s screaming another release. 
“I can’t!  I can’t!”  He screams on shaky knees. 
“Severus.  I know this is difficult, but…”
“I can’t.”  He feels so small against me.  Even though he’s taller than me,
he’s found a way to curl into my neck.  Both hands are on my shoulders, digging
in if only to keep himself sane. 
“How long will it last?”  I ask him quietly.  He’s shaking his head.
“The effects can last for several days, but after twenty four hours, I can at
least suppress it enough to control myself.” 
“I know you said that magic can’t be used, but maybe…”
“Any invasive spells, including cleaning ones only negatively influence the
potion.  It was ingested anally, which makes it absorbed by the blood stream
quicker.  Spells will only make the situation worse.”  His back arches and his
teeth are clinched tightly.  He seems to manage to fight this orgasm down at
least.  “Spells make it worse.  I know that first hand.”  He shakes his head. 
I hate to think of him dealing with this own his own.  At one point, he did.
“Severus, we have to clean you.”  I wrap my arms tightly around him. 
“Severus.”  His entire body is tense.  “You know that I will not hurt you. 
Right?”
“Potter.  If I’m touched, then my body will…”
“I know you don’t have control right now.”
“It’s humiliating.”
“I’m sorry Severus.  If I do anything that hurts or makes you uncomfortable,
then tell me and I’ll stop.  I’m just going to clean you.”
“Potter.  Being uncomfortable or hurt isn’t what I’m worried about.”  His voice
is quiet again.
“I’ll do it as quickly as I can.”  I wait for him to nod.  Well.  This entire
situation is awkward.  “Alright Severus.  I have you.”  He’s tightly holding on
to me.  One of my hands is on the back of his head, and the other is just over
his bum.  “Severus.  It’s okay.”  My middle finger breaches the ring of
muscles.  He shivers and then presses against my leg before he can stop
himself.  “It’s okay Severus.  This will not take long.”  I try to not feel
sick at the amount of semen leaking out of him now.  The spray of the shower is
rinsing most of it away.  Gently I prod inside of him causing more of the
insulting fluids to flow out of him and finally down the drain. 
Honestly, I’m moving my finger very little and instead simply letting him
headily rock against it.  I don’t say anything to him.  Not hurting him is my
first priority, and if he’s cleaned out without feeling any discomfort, then
that is preferable. 
The sounds he is making are adorably arousing, and I have to remind myself why
I’m in the shower with him.  The foreign smells have been washed off of him,
and he’s back to smelling like himself.  I notice less and less semen coming
out of him until finally there’s none. I try to pull my finger out of him, but
he only moans and presses back until it’s inside of him again. 
He’s intoxicated.  Drunk from the potion. 
“Severus.  We’re done.  You’re clean inside.”  I don’t have as much control as
I need in this siutaiton.
“It’s good.”  He moans.
“Severus.  You don’t want this.”  He doesn’t want this.
“Please.  Inside.”  I can hear him crying.  “Hurts.  Need it inside.”
“Severus.”  I’m trying to calm him, but it’s so difficult to do that when he’s
lovingly grinding against me.  I don’t have the will power for this.  I turn
off the shower and he completely collapses against me.  “I’m going to take you
to your room.”  He looks up at me and his eyes are out of focused with need. 
“I’m going to take care of you Severus.”  He tilts his head.
“Take care?”  He asks pressing against me.  I can’t push him off of me.  He’s
to injured to stand on his own.
“Not like that Severus.”  I bite my bottom lip to refocus.  “You and I are
bonded.  There are things I have to do that you don’t like in order to help
you, but.  You don’t want this.”  His head is tiredly laying on my chest. 
“I do Harry.”  His voice is husky and meltingly submissive. 
“Then we will talk about this when you are more stable.  You have already told
me that you don’t have control over your actions; I will not take advantage of
that.”  I grab a towel and lightly dry him off.  His arm is pulled over me as I
help him to his room. 
Still semi damp, I lay him in his bed.  Before I can find him clothing to put
on, his hand weakly grabs my soaked shirt.
“Don’t go.”  The desire from earlier isn’t fully gone, but the primary tone has
been replaced with something.  Something that reminds me of loneliness. 
Isolation.  Fear.  “I don’t want to be alone.”  He curls into a tight ball.  He
looks ashamed of himself. 
I think he’s fighting himself.  He’s ashamed to be aroused and needy, but he
is.  He can’t help it. 
Gently I squeeze his hand. 
“Severus.  My clothes are soaked from the shower.  I’m just going to borrow
some of your clothes.  I’ll quickly change.  I won’t leave you, but I’m also
not going to… take advantage of you.”  He’s crying, but he’s to tired to really
seem to notice or care.
“I know Harry.  T..thank you.”  And I could be wrong.  I could just be overly
hopeful, but I think I can visibly see him trust me, just a little more.
 
***** Torture *****
Chapter Notes
     Here is the next chapter, as promised. I am feeling okay today. Today
     is my dad and step mom's 9th anniversary... so it's been hard on him
     since she isn't 'here' anymore. I know that I will have bad days, but
     I'm trying to take the good days when I can... anyways. Thank all of
     you for reading, onward my ducklings.
He’s panting breathlessly.  I just bite my lip harder to remind myself to stay
in control.  The blanket is pulled to his waist.  I’ve tried to hide as much of
his pale skin from my eyes as I can.  The light fabric keeps falling to his
hips though. 
Porcelain skin lightly blemished with faded pink scars tempt me; so, I shake
the thoughts away.  He’s begged me to not leave him.  I think he’s more fragile
than he wants me to believe, but he’s also terrified to be touched.  He has an
unrestrained need to embraced.  To be coddled right now.  To be pleasured.  He
also has the fear to counter that. 
Severus cannot control himself.  Shoved between us is a pillow that mostly
camouflages the deliberate rocking that his narrow bony hips cannot stop. 
Deliciously pink nipples are erect and cutely stand out on the heated skin.
I desire him. 
I do not know wholly why.  Or for how long.  Perhaps it is the bond.  His logic
has been dulled since he is drugged and maybe that sense of desperation is
leaking into my own sanity.  Either way, I desire him.  More than that, I
desire his trust.  So I will remain here in this endless torture.  Having his
body molded against mine desperately begging me to touch him, while also
timidly trusting me to not do just that. 
“H..Harry.”  I gently stroke his hair. 
“It’s okay.  I’m here.  I promise, I will not hurt you.”  I would never hurt
him, but pleasuring him is on the same level as hurting him.  I know that. 
“I’m scared!”  He half screams between muted moans.  “I don’t want this.”  I
try to gently embrace him.  I try to coax his head safely against my shoulder.
“I know Severus.  It’ll just be a day, then you’ll be in control again.  I
promise, I will not hurt you.”
“I don’t want you to see me like this.”  His body spasms and he’s moaning
throatily through a beautiful sounding release. 
“I’m sorry Severus.  I know this is difficult, but before you didn’t want me to
leave.  Have you changed your mind?”  I don’t know if I want him to have or
not.  I don’t want to leave him, but this is torture.  Sweet intoxicating
torture.
“I don’t want to be alone.”  His shaking hands grip the shirt I have on.  It’s
his shirt.  He couldn’t even stand for me to leave the room long enough to find
some clothes of my own.  It only reminds me that he’s naked under that
blanket.  There’s no need to dress him, he will only dirty them through the
numerous releases.
“Then, I will not leave you alone.  I can control myself Severus.”  He seems to
be breathing in my scent.  I have to remind myself that I have more control
than him right now.
“It was horrible.”  His arms are wrapped around me as if he’s afraid I’ll leave
him.  “Circled.  Watched mockingly as whoever pleases defiles me.”  There is a
hint of anger behind the lusty voice.  “My body no longer in my control. 
Forced to respond.  Forced to feel things I do not want to feel.”  The sharp
bite of his nails in my back hurt, but I don’t stop him.  If I need to be the
catalyst for his anger, then I will.  If that helps him right now.  Then I will
happily take the pain.  “I don’t want to feel good!”  He screams. 
My fingers softly rub into his upper back.
“It isn’t your fault Severus.  It’s over now.  You’re safe.”
“It hurts so bad.”  He’s crying.  I can’t see his face, but I can hear it.  “It
hurts so bad.  And so good.  Burning from the inside out.  Cumming from being
raped.”  His hands grab my hips and he uses that grip to anchor himself against
me.  The pillow in both of our laps does nothing to hide his hardness.  “You
shouldn’t touch me.  I’ll defile you.  I already have.”
“You haven’t done anything wrong Severus.  I will not leave you.”
“I shouldn’t feel pleasure at being raped!”  He screams and his fingers bruise
me.  He’s shaking.
“It isn’t your fault.  You were drugged.”  My fingers tangle in his hair and
though it’s still damp, I enjoy the feel of it.  “It’s okay now Severus.  It’s
over.”  He’s hunched into me.
“It’ll never be over.”  He says morosely. 
“Severus.”  He doesn’t fight my embrace.  I feel like my heart is pounding in
my throat.  “I’m seventeen today.”  I gently wrap my arm around his narrow
body.  “I will try to be someone that you can rely on.  I know that I’m not the
most reliable person, but I want to be someone that you can rely on.  I want to
be someone you can trust.  I know that you’ve been hurt before.  I know you are
hurt now.  And I know you still see me as a disobedient brat, but you and I are
soul bonded.  I don’t need someone to carelessly put themselves in danger just
to keep me safe.  I can keep you safe to.”  I didn’t realize I was whispering
until I feel him shiver in my arms.  “Severus.  Are you okay.”  His back
arches.
“Merlin.  Please.  Do not whisper my name like that.”  My throat feels
impossibly dry.  I can feel his long legs circling around me.  His head falls
back as he’s panting loudly.  His neck is stretched tautly as his back arches
pushing his pelvis harder against mine.  “This blasted pillow is in the way.” 
He whines unhappily.
“Severus.  We have to leave the pillow in-between us.  You don’t have enough
control right now, and I do not want you to do something you would regret.  I
will not leave, but the pillow has to stay between us.”  Gently, I pull his
long body back against me.  “Just lay here in my arms Severus.  This is all I
can give you right now.  But when you are in control of yourself again, if we
both wish to pursue an intimate relationship, then we will then.”  He’s
laughing bitterly while grinding against the pillow.
“You would not want me.” 
“Shh.  Don’t think that.”  It’s hard to keep my hands above his waist as he
pulls another orgasm from himself.  It’s hard to lay there comforting him as he
throws himself in and out of self -loathing rants, but I don’t leave him.  And
I don’t let my carnal desires take over even when he begs me to touch him. 
Because his words me nothing right now.
I don’t leave his side until he’s tiredly blinking and his body slowly returns
to being his.  This takes a full day.
I have to help him to the shower to clean him thoroughly again.  He’s covered
in so much of his own semen.  He can hardly keep his eyes open.  With clean
sheets on his bed, I lay him down gently and find some clothes to put on him. 
He’s watching me suspiciously. 
Without the lust clouding his judgement he’s reminded of our positions. 
Unfortunately for him, his body is to exhausted to protest. 
Once I dress him, I get him comfortable and then cover him.  He says nothing.
“Severus.  I promise, I will not bring up what happened yesterday.  If you want
to talk about it, then we will otherwise, I will not ask you to talk about it. 
For now, please get some rest.  I know you are tired.”  His cheeks are a faint
pink, but he just turns away.
I leave him and close the door with a soft click. 
The hormone crazed part of my brain begs that I go to my room for a quick wank,
but I have something more important to do. 
I find Niffy.
It takes a while to convince her, but it’s not necessarily difficult.  After
all, she wants what is best for Severus.  With that logic, the two of us set
out.
It takes surprisingly little time to meet with the headmaster.  In his office,
I should feel intimated, but I don’t.  I should feel small under his powerful
knowing eyes, but I feel strong.  And sure of myself. 
“Mr. Potter, for what do I owe the honor of this unprompted visit?”  I take a
moment to gather my thoughts and how I want to say the words.  I’m not doing
this for me.  I’m doing it for Severus, and with that thought fueling the
others, it’s much easier to remind myself why I’m here.
“Headmaster, Severus will no longer be acting as a spy for the light.”
***** my husband *****
Chapter Notes
     Hello everyone. I hope all of you are doing wonderful. I know it's
     been a short bit, but here is the next chapter. Onward my ducklings.
“Harry, my boy.  That isn’t something you have authority to decide.”  I force
my back to remain straight and upright.  Choking down any weakness, I repeat
myself.
“He will not be returning as a spy.”  The headmaster shakes his head.
“I understand that you are concerned for him, but right now the light needs him
to gather as much information on the movement of death eaters.”
“He isn’t even accomplishing that though.”  I say as confidently as I can.  “He
hasn’t gotten any new information since the raid on my relative’s home.  That
hasn’t changed the fact that he’s been summoned nearly a dozen times.  You have
to know what goes on at those meetings.”  He already knows.
Albus Dumbledore exhales tiredly and takes a seat behind his desk. 
“Yes Harry, I do know what he must go through in order to give our side the
edge to win.  My boy, I need you to understand that should Tom Riddle succeed,
your concern over Severus will be a moot point.  In times of war, we must all
make sacrifices.  I myself was prepared to die for the greater good, and
unfortunately, I expect the same from Severus.  Rest assured.  He knows what I
am asking from him and he did agree to become my spy.  There are many things
you do not know.  He was not always loyal to the light.  He himself agreed to
become my spy and to any harm that goes with that.”
“I didn’t agree.”  I say and he tilts his head slightly.  “I did not agree for
him to become a spy, and he’s my husband.”  The word feels strange on my lips. 
But to a certain degree, that’s what he is.
“I’m afraid that Severus will continue to act as a spy.”
“No.  He will not.”
“Harry.  You are not in my position.  You do not understand the potential
outcomes of this war.  You are still a child.”
“A child that you instructed to rape his teacher.”  He pauses.  “You deceived
me.  You knew that my uncle had molested me and you knew that Severus has been
raped before.  You knew all of that and you still instructed me to hurt him. 
We trusted you.”
“It was the only way to ensure your safety.  He knew that.  He agreed.”
“Because he had too!  Well, now rather he likes it or not, he’s stuck with me. 
We are soul bonded, and I do not want my ‘husband’ to be raped again.  He will
not return!”
“I’m afraid my boy, that he must.”
“Then I will go to the daily prophet.”  The words are out of my mouth before I
can stop them.
“Harry.”
“That’s what I’ll do.  And I know that Severus may hate me for it, but I will
go to the daily prophet and I will confess that he and I are soul bonded.  I’ll
out him for the spy that he is, and I will clear his name of the charge that he
‘attempted to kill you’.  I don’t care if he ends up hating me.”  Of course I
care.  The thought manages to make my chest feel like it’s being stabbed.  “I
would rather him hate me then continue being hurt the way he is now.”  It’s
difficult to reign in my emotional state.
“Are you aware of how greatly that would put him in danger.  Riddle would be
intent of killing him.”
“If Severus stops attending the death eater meetings, then Voldemort will
already desire to kill him.  I know you and Severus think that I’m impulsive,
but I have thought this over.  You need a potions professor for the upcoming
term, and I need to know that Severus is safe.  If you refuse to rehire him,
then I will still out him as a spy because I know he will continue putting
himself in harm unless he knows going to that man would mean death.  He isn’t
an idiot.  If you refuse to rehire him, then I will not be attending Hogwarts
this term.  Severus and I will find a safe place to hide.  Just us.”  And the
elves, but I will not bring their existence up right now.
“Do you really think Severus will agree to this?”
“I know he will not.”  Any progress I’ve made with Severus is dwindling.  He
will want nothing to do with me after this.  I feel Niffy pat my arm in a show
of affection.  I almost forgot she was here.  “I know he will not agree to
this, but right now he’s recovering and when he is conscious, I will talk with
him.  Even if he does not agree, I will not let him go back.”
I don’t know what else to say, but I’m thankful when I hear Niffy’s sure voice.
“Master Severus does have persons that will help clear his innocence even if
you refuse.  My master is stubborn, but he will be unable to hate Master
Harry.  I am sure you know that already.  Master Severus is quite fond of
Master Harry.”  She is speaking respectfully, but still talking down to him. 
She sounds completely Slytherin.  “If you do not agree to the rehiring of my
master, then master Harry will be forced to take actions that he would not wish
to take.  It seems you are unaware of the situation you have placed yourself
in.”  She grasps my hand as if to comfort me.
“No one will believe a house elf over a headmaster.”  The aged wizard says sure
of himself.
“A headmaster that has allowed not one but two young students to remain in
abusive households.  You allowed Master Harry’s uncle to molest him, and you
allowed Master Severus’s father to sexually abuse him.  You allowed my master
to remain in a home that fostered bitterness in his soul.”  She looks up at
me.  “I will not allow you to sink with the ship alone Master Harry.  Master
Severus asked for me to protect you.  And I cannot bring myself to see him
broken again.”  She smiles at me.  “You are doing as you believe to be best for
him, and though he may be upset at our meddling, he always comes around for
those that he cares about.”
“Harry.  It isn’t just his life.  It isn’t just your life.  People are dying. 
More will die.”
“If Severus no longer has to hide behind his spy persona, then he could do more
good than he is now.  What about his Slytherin students that think they have to
follow in their parent’s footsteps.  How many students have been lost to
Voldemort’s ranks?  Headmaster, I am the boy who lived.  I have never really
cared for that title, but I’ll use it to clear Severus’s name.  I would like to
leave as much personal information out if I can, but I’m willing to discuss my
home life if I have to.  And I’m willing to discuss how he saved me from that. 
How he comforted me.  Severus and I are soul bonded, and I will not allow him
to continue as a spy.  You may be willing to use him as a pawn, but I am not. 
We aren’t chess pieces.”  He exhales again. 
Fingers wave and a piece of parchment float in front of him.  He takes his
quill and dips it in the ink.  Elegant penmanship is transcribed on the page,
then the letter is folded and placed in an envelope and closed with a wax seal
before handed to Niffy.
“Please see that your master receives this.”  Niffy bows her head in a
submissive gesture.  “Young Harry, the lives lost in this war will be on your
shoulder, I hope that you know what you are doing.”  I recognize his words for
what they are.  He’s trying to make me change my mind.  Only, I don’t think I
could. 
Niffy and I leave.
I’m not surprised that Severus is still sleeping.  He would be tired.  I’m also
tired, but I don’t think I could sleep.  Even though he’s kept me awake for
over twenty-four hours.  I tell Niffy that I plan to lay down, but in the back
of my mind, I know that isn’t the case. 
I’m still a man. 
I lock the door needing that to be enough and I strip down under the thick
covers.  I didn’t lose control around him.  Even though he was desperately
making sounds.  Even though he was desperately writhing against me.  I managed
to stay in control, but it’s all coming back to me now.
I’ve never needed to wank so badly, and I feel awful.  He was assaulted.  He
wasn’t in control of himself.  He was ashamed and embarrassed, but also fucking
erotic.
No.
No.
No.
No.
I’m going off course.  We are soul bonded.  He may not hate me, but he
certainly doesn’t desire me like that, and I’m likely only like this because of
the bond.  I wasn’t attracted to him before this… I also wasn’t not attracted
to him.  I just never thought of him like that.
My body is throbbing.  I did have that dream about him though.  All of this. 
It’s too confusing.  How much of his actions were because of me and how much
were because he was drugged? 
I need to know.
But I don’t think I could ever ask him.  I close my hand tightly around my
erection.
Am I really going to wank thinking about Severus… thinking about Snape.  The
sour bitter man with greasy hair.  Cold cruel words.  The man who has protected
me.  The man who has criticized me at every turn.  The man who took in house
elves that no one wanted.  The man that has never been wanted by anyone…
The man that reminds me of all the things I hate about myself.
The man that treats me like everyone else.
Because I’m not someone special.
But then he treats me like I’m someone special… not because I’m special- the
boy who lived- but because I’m… Harry?
He would die for me.  I know he would.  So is it so difficult to believe that
he could care about me.
He trusted me.  Sure he was drugged, but he trusted me.  To not hurt him and to
see him so vulnerable.  He trusted me to stay beside him but to not hurt him. 
He trusted me.  That night that we… had sex in order to complete this bond.  It
makes so much more sense.  Niffy said that his father had sexually assaulted
him.  And I know that he’s been raped at those awful death eater meetings.  He
was so scared to be touched that night.  He was scared. 
Last night he wasn’t scared though.  Not in the same way.  He let me bathe
him.  Even though it was embarrassing for him.  He let me…
My erection throbs in my hand.
I can admit it to myself.
I don’t understand it fully.  But I can admit it in the safety of my own mind.
I want to hold him again.
Admitting that thought alone is enough to make me cum.
***** Chapter 23 *****
Chapter Notes
     This is the longest chapter thus far. I just kept adding dialog. I
     should sleep... I have to wake up in about 4 and a half hours.... I
     am gonna be sooo miserable tomorrow. Onward my ducklings.
I left him alone for the remainder of the day.  Partly because he needed to
rest, and partly because… I wasn’t really sure how to face him.  He’s not going
to like my new approach with him, but I can’t stop myself anymore. 
I let myself into his room with nothing more than a gentle tapping knock.  I
have a tray in my hand with a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese.  He
doesn’t even move on the bed when I enter.  I keep the lights dim and just
leave the door open to allow light in from the rest of the house.  I hope that
little gesture makes him realized he’s not trapped. 
The blanket is pulled all the way up, over his head even.
“Severus?”  I whisper so as not to startle him.  I carefully reach out and
touch his blanket covered arm.  I can feel the arm tense under my touch.  He’s
awake then and just ignoring me.  “You need to eat.”  He seems to be holding
his breath until I remove my hand from his arm.  I set the tray down on the
nightstand beside his bed and battle with myself.  Should I remain standing. 
Should I sit beside him on the bed and try to bridge the distance between us. 
Should I just leave.  That would certainly be easier. 
“Leave.”  He says as if reading my thoughts.  I’m not sure if he actually is,
or if he just abhors my presence that much.  But I can’t leave.  I have things
to talk to him about.
“Severus.”
“Leave.”  He says weakly.  I sit down on the little space between him and the
edge of the bed.  I’m sure what transpired between us recently is fresh on his
mind.  I’m sure he’s humiliated.  It certainly wasn’t like him.  I’m sure I’m
the last person he wants to see right now.
“I made you some soup.  It’s tomato.  And a grilled cheese to go with it.”  I
can feel him tense beside me.  “I know that you told me not to cook anymore,
and I know you don’t normally eat very much.  We shouldn’t pretend that what
happened… didn’t happen.  So I made you what has always been my comfort meal. 
I don’t really know why.  But it always helps me when… when I need some
cheering up.”  It’s silent between us.  “Not that you need cheering up!  That’s
not what I mean.  I just mean…”  Stupid.  Stupid.  Stupid.  Why does he have to
be so difficult to talk to.
“When Lily was pregnant with you, she ate grilled cheese and tomato soup
obsessively.”  He is still under the covers, but I can hear him clearly. 
“Will you eat then?”
“Just leave it there.”  That isn’t him agreeing to eat it, but at least he’s
not rushing to throw it away.  That’s a start.  “You can leave now.”
“Severus, there are some things that we need to talk about.”  The bundle of
blankets curls more into itself. 
“Potter.  There is nothing I wish to discuss with you.  What you saw, pretend
it never happened.”
“My name is Harry.  And it did happen.”  I reach out and this time I’m not
surprised when the arm flinches away.  “I understand that you are uncomfortable
with touch.”  I touch him again knowing that he will pull away from me.  But I
need him to understand that I am not going to hurt him.  “Severus.  It’s okay.”
 I take a chance and slip my hand under the cover.  Lightly I smooth his
tangled hair.  I wouldn’t say that he relaxes into the touch, but he at least
doesn’t jerk away.  Don’t think about how I was using this same hand earlier to
jack off.  I said don’t think about it. 
It’s quiet between us.  We just let the silence grow and my peace offering grow
cold.  He doesn’t stop me from tangling my fingers in his silky hair.  Maybe
he’s use to this.  Certainly not from me, but this seems to be the way all the
elves show affection.  Maybe he recognizes this as a nonthreatening act.
“Severus.”  I say quietly so as not to agitate his mood again.  “You will not
be returning as a spy.”  He tenses, but I just keep stroking his hair.  “I
spoke to the headmaster, and I know why you are a spy.  I know that you may
think it’s not my place, but it is.”
He’s still quiet, and his silence makes me more uncomfortable than if he were
yelling at me.
“You are stubborn.  And needlessly mean sometimes.  You don’t trust anyone
easily, you hold everyone at arms-length.  You’ve made a lot of bad choices
when you were younger.  You have secrets that I still am not allowed to know. 
And you piss me off endlessly.  But I care about you Severus.”  My words linger
between us almost like an insult.  It makes any other words catch in my
throat.  “You will not be returning as a spy.”  I manage to blurt out.  The
room suddenly feels colder. 
“I know Harry.”  He finally says.  “Niffy came earlier with Dumbledore’s
letter.  I have been asked to resume my position as potion professor at
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  Niffy told me everything.”
“You aren’t… cross with me?”
“I am positively seething, but I am tired.  And I simply don’t have the energy
to fight with Lily Even’s son.  I could never win against her and I seem just
as unable to win against you.  I do not know how you can have never met her and
yet still be so much like her.  You were willing to doom the entire wizarding
world just to keep me from being injured in a way that I am already accustomed
to.  I take it that I cannot change your mind, but just for the record, once or
a thousand times makes no difference in my mind.  Harry, I was broken a long
time ago.  If allowing others to sexually assault me will aid in the safety of
those that should not have to suffer….. then I will allow it.”
“You shouldn’t have to suffer either though.”
“Harry.  You are almost forty years too late to save me.”  The words hang
between us.  “My own mother didn’t want me.  She left with my younger sister
when I still young.  Because I was showing signs of magic.  She wanted to live
in a world where magic didn’t exist.  So she took my sister who showed no signs
of magic and she left.  She left her abusive husband and took what she valued. 
And that wasn’t me.”
I lay on the bed facing the bundle of blankets.  “Severus.  That’s all in the
past.”  My words are completely inadequate, and I know that.  But there is
nothing else I can say.
“It isn’t in the past.  It’s every day.”  He sounds so fragile.  “After the
first war, I wanted to kill myself.  It was just Niffy and I.”  He exhales. 
“Then my sister came back.  I had not seen her since she herself was an
infant.  She had had a baby.  A newborn.  That little baby looked so much like
how I remembered her mother- my sister.  Small.  But happy and smiling.  She
was crying.  My sister I mean.  The baby.  The baby was smiling.  Happy.  So
very happy.  But my sister didn’t want a freak.  So she went to the only other
freak she knew of.   My sister asked me if I could make her forget the child
she had.  She didn’t want to remember how she gave birth to something…. ‘not
human’.  She just wanted to forget.  She asked me to raise her daughter.  Or do
whatever I wanted.  She didn’t care she said.  Just she didn’t want to know
about her.  So I erased my sister’s memories.  Erased her husband’s.  And
started raising that child like she was mine.”  His tone is resolute and
somber.
I gently wrap my arm around him.  He doesn’t seem to notice.
“It was hard taking care of a newborn on my own.  At first all she wanted was
her mother to hold her.  Something that I was acutely familiar with.  Then she
got to the point where she would smile up at me as if I were something
special.  She started crying for me if I wasn’t around.  She would laugh.  Hold
out her little arms asking to be held.  I love her.  Her mother had named her
Wendy, but she was my little Princess.  She was my daughter.  And no one
else’s.  I never knew it was possible to love something so much.”
I don’t say anything.  I don’t want to bring him back to reality.  His voice
actually sounds younger.  Happier even.
“Nothing else in life was worth living for, but she was.  Albus knew that the
dark lord would return.  He knew that I would have to resume spying because
information is power.  I don’t know if he was honest.  I don’t know if he was
manipulating me.  I’m sure it was a little of both.  But Princess was taken
from me because I was an unfit parent.  We didn’t have much… sure I’ll admit to
that.  I was working at Hogwarts during the day and coming back during the
evenings- leaving her with Niffy while I worked.  I wasn’t paid very much
granted.  But she ate.  And she was kept happy even though I’ve never been able
to make another living thing happy, I could make her smile and laugh.  I know
that I wouldn’t have been able to offer her very many worldly possessions.  My
father had died years before and left me nothing but debt and a broken-down
house.”
He sounds broken.  He sounds not alive.  Like everything has been taken from
him.
“But I wasn’t fit to be a parent.  Because I had made mistakes that couldn’t be
forgiven.  Albus was right.  If I loved her then I had to accept living without
her.  Sometimes I think he just wanted me to feel expendable.  If there is no
reason for me to continue living… then it’s fine if I continue to put my life
in danger.  Sometimes I think he’s right.  One day she would have gotten older,
and she would have realized that her parents… her real parents did not want
her.  That all along, I was just playing pretend.  She would have realized that
my own parents did not want me.  She would have realized that I am flawed and
ugly and unfit to love her.”  He’s shaking and it takes me a while to realize
that I’m the one shaking him.  I’m the one trying to break him from this trance
he’s in.  “She would have realized that I sold my soul just to feel accepted. 
And she would have realized she was better off with parents that didn’t love
her as much as I do because it would be better than having me as a parent.” 
He’s breathing is sporadic.  I’ve had them enough to realize that he’s having a
panic attack.  “She would have realized that the only point of reference I’ve
ever had for a loving parent is a father that gets off on raping his son.  She
would have realized that her guardian was broken a long time ago.”
“Severus.  Calm down.  You have to breathe.”  The only sound coming from his
lips is a half scream of pain and anguish.  I can’t see him, but I can hear the
crying. 
“Leave me alone!”  He screams.  I can’t bring myself to pull my hand away. 
“You’re going to leave too.  It’s just a sick ploy to make me depend on you and
then leave.  Or be taken.  I can’t do it again.”
“Severus.  I’m right here.  Come on now.  Breathe.”  He’s gasping. 
“D.. don’t touch.  Don’t touch me!”  He’s screaming and I can’t calm him.  I
don’t know what to do.  “Get out!  Get out!”  He’s thrashing.  I can physically
see him tightly curling into a ball.  “I hate you!”
I’m trying not to panic myself when I see little Wendy running in through the
open door.  She quickly dogpiles on top of the blankets.
“Sevey!”  She coos happily at the bundle of blankets.  I’m tempted to take her
and get her out of this room.  She shouldn’t see him like this.  “Sevey, it
‘kay.  Just bad dream.”  She says gently.  She manages to pull the blanket off
of him and she smiles at the tired features.  I try not to wince when I see how
much he’s crying.  “Wen wen is here!”  She smiles again.  She shimmies down
into the bed and comfortably cuddles next to him.  “Princess is happy.”  She
says seriously.  “Sevey did best, but Princess happy now too.”  She tilts her
head.  “Dumbles wrong!  Dumbles is dumb dumb.  Sevey did best.  But Princess
happy and loved.  Even if not by Sevey.”  She pats his head and he seems to
settle down.  As if noticing me for the first time, her face becomes completely
serious.  “Har har, Sevey is kay now.”  She looks back down at the grown man
holding her securely.  “Shh.  It’s ‘kay Sevey.  Wen wen is here.  Sevey is just
sleepy.”  Her gentle musing seems enough to calm him down.  “Sevey is tired.” 
She coos softly, and his eyes flutter close at her words.  She’s stroking his
head like I was doing, only, it actually manages to calm him down.  “Har har
didn’t mean to upset Sevey.  Har har just cares bunches.”  She lovingly kisses
the top of his head like a child would do to their parent.  “Now.  No more
temper tantrums Sevey.  You scared Har har!”
I’ve never been more sure of a choice I’ve made until now.  Severus should not
be a spy anymore.  He will not be returning.  And Dumbledore… That old
bastard.  I’m not going to let Severus be your pawn anymore.
***** Telling the friends *****
Chapter Notes
     Today was very difficult my ducklings. Since my step mom has passed
     away, I would sometimes text her number. It helped me. Like. I could
     still talk to her and she just was 'away from her phone'. Well. Looks
     like her number has been recycled. I cried so much. I swear it's like
     I lost her again. My friend said that it's for the best. I know she's
     right. Still I wasn't ready to have someone take my mom's number. I'm
     not going to erase the past messages. and I still have a voicemail
     that I sometimes listen too. I'm not going to erase the contact. But.
     It feels like I lost another part of her. I know it's silly. Texting
     is no different from just... talking. But in a way I was able to
     convince myself that texting her how i love her made it less real.
     Anyways my ducklings. I have three chapters for you. I will go ahead
     and post all three, but just be aware... I may not post again for a
     while because I'm going on spring break. I imagine I'll be emotional
     this weekend because March 25th is her birthday. I miss her. Onward
     my ducklings.
Niffy is at my side.  Severus has locked himself in his room since the
outburst.  It wasn’t my intention to upset him, but I honestly think it wasn’t
my fault this time.  He just… he just lost it.  I’m sure he would have
preferred anyone other than myself to witness him… losing it. 
He looked so frightened.  So tired.  I just let Wendy tend to him.  She seems
adapt at catering to his moods.  Not necessarily in a bad way. 
Soon Severus and I will meet with Rita Skeeter to discuss Severus’s innocence. 
But.  If the whole of the wizarding world is going to learn that Severus and I
are bonded, my friends will know first.  I don’t plan to tell them everything
just because… I value Severus’s privacy.  But I can tell them enough from my
side.  And another thing.  I’m going to need their help- as far as Severus is
concerned.
I’m sure Severus will not be well received by everyone. 
Niffy pats my arm as we head to Hogwarts.  I meet my friends in the great hall,
they are already there waiting for me. 
They both hug me and we idlily chatter for a brief moment.  They both know that
not why I’m here though.
“Harry.  There is something you wish to tell us?”  Hermione asks in her polite
inquisitive tone.  She’s not pressuring me.  She’s not saying I have to talk
about it now.  She’s only saying that she is ready whenever I am.
“I told both of you last time there there was a guy that I’m sort of with.”  I
start easily enough.  They look at each other silently.
“I swear if this bloke hurt you…”
“No Ron it’s nothing like that.  Far from it actually.  I’m not sure if
Dumbledore has told you, but Professor Snape will be returning as potion’s
professor.”  Both of their mouths hang open.  Apparently he did not.  “Severus
is loyal to the light.”  I say simply. 
“But Harry.  How can you be sure of that?  He tried to kill Dumbledore last
term.”
“Yes.  He did.  But Dumbledore is the one who ordered him to.  I have no doubts
that Severus is…”  How do I want to say it.  I do not want to lie to my
friends, but Severus said himself.  He isn’t loyal to Dumbledore.  Just
whichever side Voldemort isn’t on.  “Severus is not loyal to You-Know-Who.”  I
exhale.  Niffy pats my arm encouragingly.  “In fact.  Severus is the guy that
I’m with.”
Both stare at me wide eyed.  As if I have been bewitched.  Or cursed.  Neither
say anything at first.
“Harry… you just called him by his name.”  I hadn’t realized.  It’s become
natural to call him Severus.
“Yes.  Severus and I are on a first name basis, but when he becomes my teacher
again, I will call him Professor out of respect.  Severus and I are soul
bonded.”  It’ s Ron who speaks.
“How did he trick you into it?  Do you know how serious a soul bond is?!”
“He didn’t.  Well… I guess that’s not completely true.  He saved me.  My
relative’s home was raided by death eaters, and he rescued me.  Since then,
I’ve been living with him and because the bond created by my aunt no longer
existed, Dumbledore asked Severus to soul bond with me.  Neither told me it was
more or less permanent.  But it isn’t Severus’s fault.”  Both of them look
furious.  “Look.  This isn’t about the soul bond.  Severus and I are going to
hold an interview with Rita Skeeter.  We are going to fix Severus’s reputation,
and he will not be a spy for the light anymore.”
Again, they both look at each other like I’m the one speaking nonsense. 
“Harry.”
“Hermione.  I’m the one who decided he wasn’t going to return as a spy.  There
are things about him that I cannot tell anyone.  But he’s not the sort of
person that I thought he was.”  Niffy is smiling gently while looking down in
her lap.  It’s just Niffy, so I don’t mind saying it.  “I want to protect him. 
I think I might…”  I don’t want to say love.  Love is to much too soon.  “I
care about him.”
“It’s Stockholm syndrome.  Or maybe Florence Nightingale Syndrome.  He saved
you that doesn’t mean that you actually have romantic interest in him.” 
Hermione tries to reason.  “Maybe if you felt someone for him before it would
make sense, but you hated him before all of this.”
Could she be right?  No.  I think for once she’s wrong.
 “Hermione, I’m not blinded or starry eyed.”  I start.  “He’s an asshole.  I
think possibly bipolar.  An all- around difficult person to get to know. 
Deeply flawed.  And someone who has been hurt worse than anyone could imagine. 
I haven’t forgotten the bad.  I’m not blinded.”
“Then he forced you!”  Ron says.  He looks green.  “I know that a soul bond
means that both of you had to… you two had to have…”  he can’t say it.
“We had sex.”  I finish for him.  Hermione goes pale.
“Did he take advantage of you?”  Ron asks seriously.  The question is so
ludicrous to me that I have to try not to laugh.  But I can’t blame him for
asking me.  If I didn’t know what I know… then I might would question the same
thing in his situation.
“Ron.  Hermione.  Both of you are my closest friends.  Severus has not done
anything at all to take advantage of me.  He would never.  He hasn’t hurt me. 
In fact.  He’s been fairly kind all things considered.”  Niffy pats my arm and
the action isn’t lost on my friends.
“Is that his elf?”  Hermione asks.  I know what she’s thinking.  She’s thinking
the same thing I initially thought.  That Severus was the one who hurt her.
“Yes, she is.  Although, technically she is a free elf.  But she has chosen to
help Severus, because she cares about him and he cares about her.”  Niffy
remains quiet.  “Severus saved her from her original masters.  He isn’t a bad
person.  He’s just hasn’t had a chance to show anyone what type of man he
really is.”
I can tell neither of them are convinced.  I know that I shouldn’t blame them,
but I can’t help but come to Severus’s defense. 
“He’s… He’s a git though.  And he doesn’t bathe properly.  He always has a bad
attitude.  Harry.  Not him.”  Ron seems to plead.  I half expect him to say
‘AND HE’S A SLYTHERIN!’
“Severus is actually a very clean person.  I think it’s just the potion fumes
and the fact that he has really dark hair.  And I would be in a bad attitude
too if I had to deal with You-Know-Who hurting me just to protect students that
hate me.  Ron, I know you don’t like him.  But he and I are soul bonded.  And
I’ve decided that I care about him.  I decided that I want to protect him.  I
really need my friends to help me.  Not everyone- especially in Gryffindor-
will be willing accept his change.”
It’s quiet.  Niffy clears her throat.
“Master Severus is scared.”  She says as if it’s common knowledge.  “He is
afraid of being someone that can be pushed around.  He had to fight hard to
become strong and finding a middle ground is not easy.  In the safety of his
home, he can be fragile and caring, but once he leaves, he hides in his suit of
armor.  Because he is afraid.  Master Severus cares very deeply for his
students.  He may not show it, but I know he does.”  He looks down at her hands
in her lap.  “And I know he cares for Master Harry as well.  It is important to
Master Severus that Master Harry is safe.  It is his primary concern, above any
other.”
“Harry.  Are you sure that it’s… Snape you like.”  Hermione asks.
“Yes.  But.  I don’t want to talk about liking him right now.  In fact… I don’t
really want him to know that I think I might like him like that.  He cares
about me.  But.  Only because I’m my mother’s son.  There isn’t anything going
on between us other than… well.  Honestly.  It’s complicated.  I’m not sure
really what his stance with me is.  I don’t think he has any interest in
anything romantic.”
It really is confusing for me.  Ron exhales. 
“Look Harry.  I’ll be nice to the bloke, but for the record, I still don’t like
him.  If he hurts you…”  Ron doesn’t finish his sentence.  Hermione pats Ron’s
arm.
“We just worry about you Harry, but if you trust him, then we will try to trust
him.” 
“Thank you.”  I say.  I suppose this could have gone worse, so I am thankful. 
Niffy smiles at me.  I would love Severus to have more people that care about
him.  More people that trust him, but I’m afraid that will probably be a slow
process.
 
***** telling the world *****
Chapter Notes
     I'm three chapters in all right now, this is the second. Onward my
     ducklings.
We are sharing a loveseat.  Our thighs are lightly pressed together in what
should appear a casual manner.  Severus’s long hair is pulled into a low
ponytail.  It suits him.  He has strong features and the way his hair is pulled
back has softened them enough where he could pass for friendly if he had to. 
Right now, he has too.  He’s wearing midnight purple robes.  They also suit
him.  He looks approachable.  Which is good given the circumstances.  The robes
were apparently ‘a gift from Minerva because she wanted to brighten up my
wardrobe’.  I’ll have to ask her where she got them so that I can get more for
Severus in a similar style.  They accentuate his long body without making him
look domineering. 
Our thighs are lightly pressed together in what should appear a casual manner.
Our shoulders bump and I lean slightly into him.  Because we have to seem
comfortable with the other person’s touch.  Because we are bonded.
Severus did not want to do an interview.  He initially was going to leave the
formalities to me and just deal with whatever the fall out maybe.  I told him
that I couldn’t do it alone.  We have to seem like a team.  We need the
wizarding world to see him as a hero.  That’s what he is after all, but it
doesn’t matter how brave or selfless a person is if they have everyone
including themselves convinced that they aren’t worth another chance.  I told
him he had to come.  He inhaled then exhaled slowly.  I half expected an
outburst.  Instead.  He agreed.
He said something about how I couldn’t be trusted to not unintentionally ruin
his reputation.  I told him I just wanted to improve his reputation.  He said
exactly.  Because he’s afraid that I’ll make him seem weak.  I think he thinks
of himself as weak.  Especially after the outburst in his room several days
ago.  I think, he thinks, I think he’s weak.
On the contrary. 
He’s the strongest person I know…. I just haven’t told him that.  Maybe I
should, but it’s honestly scary admitting anything like that to him.
So Severus and I spend a couple of days preparing.  We had to get our story
straight.  He said that was the most important thing.  We couldn’t contradict
each other about what caused us to be bonded.  So we are sitting on a loveseat
together with our thighs light touching.  Rita Skeeter’s quill floats near her
as she pushes her glasses up her nose.  I organized this interview.  I already
told her the general information, but now she’s in media mode.  She needs to
get the scoop.
“So.  Why did you two decide to soul bond of all things!”  Rita Skeeter directs
the question to both of us.
“Severus and I became soul bonded because he wanted to protect me from You-
Know-Who.  This was the easiest and safest way to do so.”  I say.  I asked him
if we should keep the real reason a secret.  He told me no.  The best way to
lie, is to not lie.  Say what you must and omit the worst.  Severus and I were
forced into a soul bond…. Doesn’t sound quite as good as saying we choose it
for safety..
“A loveless soul bond.  That’s truly pitiable.”  Rita says grasping for a
juicier story.
“Not at all.  I have always felt very strongly about Harry.”  His thumb is
stroking the top of my hand.  I’m not sure if it’s unconsciously or
‘unconsciously’.  Her floating quill stalls for a moment and looks at both of
us.
“Severus.  I understand that you were instructed to kill the headmaster, but
now you are expected to return as a teacher.”
“Yes.  Albus ordered me to kill him.  Thank merlin I was not successful.  I
have never been so glad to have failed.”  She grabs the quill and lightly
brushes her mouth with the feather.
“Am I correct when I say that you are a half blood.  Your father was a muggle,
and your mother a pureblood from the Prince family.”
“You’ve certainly done your research.”  He says lightly.  “Yes.  I am a half
blood.”
“I find that interesting.  Can you tell me, why would You-Know-Who trust
someone that is a half blood.  It’s common knowledge how much he detests those
without pure blood.”
“It is not quite as common knowledge, but he himself is a half blood.  I
believe he developed a fondness for me because we have very similar upbringings
as children.  We both had mothers who were willing to give up their family name
for a muggle man.  We both have fathers that were not only unaware of the
magical world, but detested it once they were made aware.”  Her quill returns
to writing. 
“Your father is deceased now.  Am I correct?”
“Yes.”  He says simply he doesn’t elaborate.  She nods slightly.
“You were young when he died, and your mother was not involved in your
upbringing.”  She states this as if it were common knowledge even though I’m
sure she actually had to do some digging.
“I was thirteen when my father died.  At that point, Albus essentially adopted
me.  The only reason I was able to remain a student at Hogwarts was because I
spent the breaks brewing potions for the medical wing.  I was allowed to live
there.  I owe the headmaster a lot.”
“And yet you still initially started out loyal to You-Know-Who.”
“I was loyal to the idea of being needed and accepted.  What child at that age
doesn’t wish to feel like they belong.  I was young and stupid.  I grew up
quickly enough and realized the error of my actions.”  She hums lowly to
herself.  Thinking of the next set of questions I believe.
“We have gotten a touch off topic.  Let’s go back to the beginning.  The two of
you are soul bonded so that you Severus can protect Harry.”
“Yes.”  He says.  His face remains just as straight.  Rita’s mouth tilts into a
cat-like grin. 
“I imagine the consummation was something.”  She turns to me.  “The bond must
involve a strong wizard and a virgin.  Clearly you are both strong wizards, and
I can imagine that Harry is- was,”  She corrects herself, “the virgin.  It must
have been quiet the experience.  Considering the age difference, I’m sure
having an older partner with experience made the entire ordeal much more
savory.”  When neither of us speak, she smirks.  “That is assuming of course
that it is young Harry who plays the part of the girl.”
I’m not sure what to say to that.  I don’t really feel comfortable with anyone
picturing Severus and I.. like that.  It’s uncomfortable.
Severus wraps his arm over my shoulder and pulls me into his side.  I’m
surprised that I don’t have to fight myself to stay next to him.  It’s
comfortable like this.  Like I can rely on him.
“Harry and I were both relatively inexperienced, and as for who plays which
role.”  Severus smiles coquettishly.  I’ve never seen him look like that.  It
makes me… feel odd in places.  Not necessarily bad odd… just… don’t get hard in
front of the lady that’s interviewing you odd.  “Harry and I would prefer to
leave what happens in the bedroom between him myself and our bed.  Whatever may
or may not go on is hardly anyone’s business.”  Thank you.  He still has an
easy smile on his face, but the tone is obvious.  This topic is off limits. 
I’m thankful that she seems to actually take the hint. 
“Harry.  What would you say is the best and worst thing about being soul bonded
to Severus?”  I debate moving, but Severus’s arm is still around me.  That’s
reason enough to not move.  I know most of this is an act.  Even if Severus did
feel that way about me, he isn’t the type that would show affection publicly. 
And I can’t think of the last time someone help me like this.  So I don’t
move.  And I hope Severus doesn’t expect me too.  Both are looking at me and I
flush.  I wasn’t paying attention. 
“Oh um… best and worst thing.”  This is difficult.  “I think the worst thing
is, it did start out of necessity.  I don’t really know if either of us would
have pursued a relationship with the other.  Honestly, I thought for the
longest time that he hated me and because of that, I think I convinced myself
that I had to hate him too.”  The best way to lie, is to tell the truth.  But
omit the worse.  The worst thing about being soul bonded to him, is that I had
to rape him that first night.  I had to hurt someone that was already half
broken.  “The best thing… I feel like for the first time I actually have a
family.  I actually feel like I’m cared about.”  She nods apparently accepting
my answer.  Then she turns to Severus.  I can see him physically swallowing. 
He’s nervous.
“Same question.”  His tone is much more even than mine was.  He could almost
convince me that he wasn’t nervous right now.  If I didn’t notice how his
entire body has become stiff.
“The worst thing would definitely be that he’s a Gryffindor.”  The tone comes
out half teasing.  “No doubt he will eventually wish to adopt a child and place
all of those silly Gryffindor ideologies on my child.  Making them value
foolish things like bravery.  I wouldn’t want to have a child that does half
the foolish things that Harry does.  I’m to old to spend the rest of my life
worrying about my husband or child taking on a dark lord on their own.”  A
child.  Is this just him making us look good.  Or is this for real.  He shakes
his head mostly at himself.  “The best thing…”  He pauses and I’m honestly
afraid that he will not be able to think of anything.  But he smiles.  And for
a brief moment he actually laughs.  If I didn’t know better, I would say that
this is the very moment that he fell in love with me.  But.  That’s foolish
talk.
“Severus, something you wish to share.”  Rita says.
“The best thing about being soul bonded with Harry would likely be the fact
that he’s a Gryffindor.”  Rita and I look at each other.  Has he lost his
marbles.  “I do not think I have ever had someone so determined to save me.  Or
so determined to not hurt me.  I’ve spent most of his time in school going out
of my way to make him miserable because it was my mission to keep him safe and
to keep him hating me.  Since we’ve been soul bonded he’s had ample chances to
hurt me in return.  But there is not a drop of desire in his head to do that. 
He isn’t conniving.  He isn’t searching for a way to make the situation
something he can manipulate.  He’s straightforward and honest.  If he says
something, then I have no reason to doubt him.” 
My throat is dry.  The feather is frantically writing trying to capture all of
his words.  And I think that my face is red.   I know it is when Rita laughs.
“Very interesting.” 
The questions come and go.  Some are more personal than others.  Some are
difficult to answer while some are easy.  Just when I think we are out of the
woods, Rita asks something neither Severus or I prepared for.
“Severus, our readers are dying to know.  What exactly happened at those death
eater meetings?”  The little color Severus had in his face is gone.  He’s
stalling.  Freezing.  His thumb no longer rubs the top of my hand.  It’s
obvious, he wasn’t anticipating that question.  And he doesn’t know what
exactly to say. We prepared for most of her answers.  The bond obviously was
fair game and going to be questioned, but this… this wasn’t what we thought
would be brought up.
“You would be dying if you did know.”  He says falling back into old habits.  I
wish I could have stopped him from saying that.  I’ve dealt with Rita before. 
Deliberately skirting around a question only makes her that much more curious. 
She’s opening her mouth to continue questioning him.  I reach and lightly
squeeze his hand.  It’s ice cold.
“Severus and I have decided that we will not be discussing that at this time. 
I am just glad he was a part of the meetings so that he could save me from my
relative’s house.”
“Oh yes Harry dear, I’m sure that must have been terrifying for you dealing
with that awful raid.”  She’s turning back to Severus.  Clearly about to
question him further.  I didn’t want to do this.
“I meant saving me from my relative’s.  I’m actually thankful for the raid,
because of it, I am living with a man that would do anything to keep me safe
and I actually feel like I have a family now.”  He’s looking at me intently. 
Silently questioning me.  He doesn’t understand.  The only way to distract a
predator is with fresh meat.  If she smells a story that is juicier then she
will leave him alone.  It’s our only option.  Severus can’t appear suspicious
right now.  We need a good interview. 
“I take it that your aunt and uncle that you were previously living with were
not the warmest muggle family?”  Severus is watching me.  I can tell.  He’s
silently telling me I don’t have to do this.  But I do.  Because.  I
understand.  For me.  Growing up in an abusive household will make me a tragic
hero.  I can practically see the headlines and it disgusts me.  ‘Orphan hero
suffers under abusive muggle relatives.’ ‘Potter: boy who lives.  Boy who was
abused?’ It’ll only make the masses think higher of me.  And thinking from a
Slytherin mindset, it’ll make the man who saved me look that much better. 
No.  I do not want to talk about this.  I don’t want all of the wizarding world
to know that my uncle would touch me… or make me touch him. 
“My uncle… he…”
“Harry Potter’s personal life will remain just that.” 
“Severus, really it’s fine.”  It’s not fine.  I have to keep myself from
begging him to save me.
“You are not doing this.”  He says adamantly.  “I do not need to be saved by
you.”  Idiot.  Can he not see the quill?  RIGHT.  THERE.  “We will both
maintain our secrets, or we will both confess.  I will not have you cover for
me.” 
“It would seem the love birds aren’t getting along quite as well as they wanted
us to believe.” 
“Actually.  I would think it’s a testament to how well we are getting along.” 
I say.  “Severus is just very… protective of me.  And to be honest.  I’m a bit
protective of him.”
“I smell a scoop.”  She says.  Again, she takes the quill and touches it to her
lips.
“Harry and I are both still learning to deal with our pasts.  As some point, we
may be willing to air our dirty laundry, but at this time, I’m afraid we just
are not ready.  Now.  I believe we have been questioned enough.”  Severus
stands affectively pulling me up with him. 
“I still have more questions!”
“You have enough for several stories already.  Rest assured.  When we have more
to share, we will go to you.  After all, weren’t we the one’s who contacted you
this time.”  She remains frozen.  I don’t think she’s ever been promised that
more stories will be brought to her.  I look up at Severus.  He looks tired.  I
wrap my arm around his waist and smile at the reporter.
“Please forgive him, he can only stomach being away from bed for so long.”  Her
mouth hangs open and I think I actually hear Severus laughing beside me.  After
all,… I didn’t lie.  Just…
Omitted some of the truth and let her draw her own conclusions. 
***** Another Dream and a Surprising Confession. *****
Chapter Notes
     I am bulk posting, this is the third of three chapters, so don't
     accidently miss the previous two. Onward my ducklings.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
I’m being pinned down.  My left forearm burns as if it were set on fire.  I can
feel people watching me, but I can’t actually see them.  I’m being touched.
Fingers are stabbing into my skin, and I want to beg them to stop.  But I don’t
say anything.  I’m biting down on my lip until I taste blood just so that I
don’t respond.  I want to scream.  But I can’t seem to let myself.  I can hear
laughing and a shame and disgust wash over me.  I want to scream.  I want to
fight.  But I can’t fight.  I can’t fight.  I just have to accept this.  Was I
so flawed that I actually deserve this?
I feel dirty. 
I want to vomit, but I know if I vomit, it is just as telling.  I have to be
pleased at this.  I have to be thankful.  Thankful! Thankful that I am being
raped.  Thankful to be used in this way.  I’ve only let one other man touch me
like this, and it was only because I was too young to stop him.  I hated him. 
I hated how he would laugh when I begged him to stop.  ‘It hurts!’ I would cry,
and he would laugh.  I’m sure if I cried out in pain now as well, this man
would only laugh at me.  It doesn’t matter.  I deserve this. 
Even when he finishes inside of me at the rest of those masked figures applaud
and laugh.  I don’t move.  I haven’t been given permission to move.  He points
his wand at me and I know what’s coming.   I try to not cry.  I try to not beg
him for mercy.  I try to remind myself why I am here.
The boy.
Lily’s son.  Lily’s perfect little son.  The son that she loved enough to
sacrifice herself.  So I force myself to be calm.  Even knowing what’s about to
happen.
“Thank you, my lord.”  I say with an easy smile.  Because this is what he wants
from me.  My undying loyalty.  If I were truly loyal to him and his ideals,
then being fucked publicly by him should be viewed as a reward.  Being under
his wand should be a pleasure.  I smile again.  Does my smile look forced?  I
hope it doesn’t.  It should seem natural.  “Thank you.”  I repeat as I reach
out to kiss the hem of his robes.  He smiles back down at me. 
“You have done well Severus.”  I keep my body relaxed even knowing what’s
coming.  I bitterly laugh inwardly at the sick pun.  “Crucio.”  The pain hits
me first.  But I force myself to remain looking at him.  He hates when I look
away.  He’s smiling fondly down at me.  I’m his favorite.  He’s always liked
me.  Which is good for a spy, but bad for a follower.  His erection is in his
hand as he works himself to a finish. 
“T..Thank you my lord.”  I say again.  Because anything less than gratitude is
unacceptable.  This continues until I lose consciousness or he becomes fully
sated. 
I want to die.
I want to die.
I wake up screaming.  Was that a dream.  Why… why was I experiencing things
from Severus’s point of view.  My left arm burns where the dark mark would be…
if I actually had one.  But I don’t.  But still the burn is there.  I actually
have to look at the skin to convince myself that there is no tattoo on my
forearm. 
The dream was so real.  So vivid.  I could actually feel the pain, but now that
I’m awake, it’s muted.  How accurate was that dream?  Strike that.  I don’t
actually want to know.  I need to check on Severus.  That’s what I need to do
right now.  Check on him.
My legs feel like liquid when I try to stand. 
I’m almost to his room when I see a light on in the kitchen.  Niffy wouldn’t be
awake at this hour.
When I look inside, I see Severus, sitting at the table calmly poring himself a
cup of tea.
“Potter.”  He says not turning around.  “The dream no doubt woke you.  Please. 
Sit.  Have a cup with me.”  He doesn’t sound enraged.  He doesn’t sound
bitter.  Or ashamed.  Just neutral.  Maybe even monotone. 
I sit across from him.  He pours me a cup.
“It’s a bit late for tea.”
“Nonsense.  I cannot possibly sleep after that, and I seriously doubt you could
either.”  No.  I couldn’t.  The tea is almost syrupy sweet.  At the look on my
face, he smiles.  “I apologize.”  He takes a sip of his.  “I often will prepare
an entire pot for myself and prepare it to my liking.  Had I known you would be
joining me, I would not have done that.  I could fix you fresh tea if you would
like.  Rest assured if you would like that, this tea would not go to waste.”
“This is fine.  I just didn’t expect it to be this sweet.”  I don’t see how he
could normally drink this.  It doesn’t really suit his image.
“Lily liked it just as sweet.”  He smiles fondly into his cup before wincing
and rubbing his left forearm. “It would seem the dark lord has seen the daily
prophet and is displeased.”
“Is he trying to summon you?”
“More accurately, he’s trying to remind me whom I belong too.  Harry.  Tom
Riddle is in love with me.  I’m sure if I returned and begged for his
forgiveness, he would take me back with his arms wide.  I would never be
permitted to leave his side again though, and I would be punished.  At one
point in my life, I was.. lonely and willing to be hurt if it meant not being
alone.  He looked at me as if I were special.  Because he believes I am. 
Unfortunately, he enjoys… hurting those he cares about.  I believe it might be
a fetish of his.  I’m sure from his point of view, you are the bad guy keeping
his lover from him.”
“He’s… in love with you.”  Severus exhales.
“Yes.  He was very charismatic in the beginning.  I completely fell for it.” 
He takes another sip.  “He embraced me and told me things I had wanted to hear
my entire life.  That I was important.  Or intelligent.  Attractive.  The
entire story is truly pathetic.”  He shakes his head at his own folly.  “How
much more Slytherin could I be.  I didn’t love him.  But I loved the things he
would say to me.  I loved being important.  I loved being favored.  As it goes,
by the time I woke up from my delusions I had already tainted my soul.  I
believed him.  All muggles should be exterminated.  After all.  My father was a
muggle.  It was easy to set me down the wrong path.”
“Severus.  When did he start...”
“Raping me?  Fucking me?  Making love as he believes?”  He exhales.  “I made
the mistake.  I was vulnerable.  He wanted to have me and I was scared.  I
thought since he loved me he would understand.  So I told him what I had never
told anyone.  My father had raped me so many times that the idea of sex was…
terrifying to me.  I told him that I was scared.  I told him that I wasn’t
ready to be touched in that way.  And I think that excited him.  He’s a
sadist.  Maybe because he was also abused as a child.  I don’t know.  But in
his mind, he loves me.  In his mind, violating me in front of his death eaters
is proving that I belong to him.”  He takes another sip.  “Once a newly
initiated death eater thought that I was the communal toy and made the mistake
of touching me without the dark lords permission.  I cannot begin to tell you
the torture that man underwent.  He does not typically like for me to be
touched by anyone.  The last time was different.  He did something that he had
never done before.  He let the others do as they wanted.  He was angry with
me.  Because I… I couldn’t become aroused.  I normally could force myself, but
I just couldn’t this time.  So, he drugged me.  And said if he wasn’t good
enough for me then…”  He stops talking.  His already pale face looks sickly
right now.
“Did you tell him that you didn’t like to be hurt?”
“Yes Harry.  I did.  I told him that I didn’t like to feel humiliated.  I
didn’t like to be touched roughly.  I didn’t like pain.  He told me I couldn’t
leave him.  He made his argument very convincing.  But.  You’ve seen the scars
so I really don’t need to go into detail.”
“Severus.  Why are you telling me this?  You normally aren’t so forthcoming.” 
His eyes are tired. 
“Harry.  You are putting your good name on the line for me.  It is only fair
that you know who exactly you are protecting.”  He sighs as he finishes his
cup.  “A pathetically scared boy that didn’t know how to escape a crazy
obsessive lover.  The dark lord got off on raping me because in his mind that’s
how you show love.  He might have wanted you dead before, but now it’s actually
personal to him.  Harry as far as he’s concerned, you stole and seduced his
lover.”
“Does Dumbledore know that you and Voldemort were… together?”
“Yes, and he exploited it.  But in way, I guess I did too.  Harry.  I truly
believe that the dark lord loved me in his own perverse way.  A part of me
feels bad about it actually.  I’m not justifying his actions.  The things he
has done to me are… heinous.  I still have nightmares.”  He says laying his
head in his hands.  “But you already know that.  And I begged him to stop.  It
only angers it.  Once I realized how evil his actions actually were, I went to
him.  Not as a follower, but as a naive lover who actually believed his words
would hold any weight.  He told me that I was forgetting how corrupt muggles
are.  So he gathered me up.  Took me to a private room.  There were too muggles
inside.  A little girl.  She couldn’t have been more than two.  And a man.  The
dark lord gave the man a rock and told him that if he killed the little girl. 
Then he would get to go free, but if he didn’t.  Then they would both die.” 
His hand covers his mouth.  Frantically he rushes to the trashcan.  He almost
doesn’t make it before I hear vomiting. 
My hands are shaking, but I go to him.  I hold his hair back as he empties the
contents of his stomach.  He’s shivering. 
“Voldemort has to be stopped.”  Severus says simply.  There are bags under his
eyes.
“Severus.  You need to sleep.”
“No.”  He shakes his head.  “Wendy is already asleep down with her mother.  I
will not wake her.  I can’t take another dreamless sleep tonight.  I can’t
Harry.”  My arm wraps around him as I lead him to his room.  Something akin to
fear sets in.  “No!”  He shouts.  His eyes are wide.
“Severus.  I’m not going to hurt you.  I’ll stay with you tonight.”  He shakes
his head.
“I can’t sleep.  I don’t want to see those memories.”
“I’ll stay the entire night.”  I assure.  I help him into bed.  He curls
tightly into the fetal possession.  I just cover him and then lay beside him
curled under a separate blanket. 
“I don’t like pain.”  He say.  I stroke his hair and he sighs.  His eyes
flutter close.
“That’s okay Severus.  Because I don’t like hurting people.”  He lets me pull
his head against my chest.  He lets me stroke his head until he quiets.  He
lets me hold him as he drifts off to sleep.
 
Chapter End Notes
     Well. That's some twist. Tell me, what do you all think about it?
     Voldemort being in love with Severus... I was torn on if I wanted to
     include that twist or not... but I have plans for it in the
     future.... so. hopefully none of you were disappointed.
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