Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/4853660.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      The_Walking_Dead_(TV)
  Relationship:
      Carl_Grimes/Rick_Grimes, Lori_Grimes/Shane_Walsh
  Character:
      Rick_Grimes, Carl_Grimes
  Additional Tags:
      Dysfunctional_Relationships, Underage_Sex, Father/Son_Incest, Mpreg,
      Abortion, Medical_Inaccuracies, (duh), Alternate_Universe, High_School,
      Dark, Angst, Mildly_Dubious_Consent, this_is_fucked_up_tbh
  Series:
      Part 1 of darling,_let_me_be_broken_with_you
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-09-23 Words: 2338
****** sad boy, who did this to you? ******
by thisapathy
Summary
     The divorce is hard on both of them. Carl's not even 16 when they
     start sleeping together.
Notes
     i had to write something dark to get the bad vibes out~
     unbeta'd, title borrowed from this_beautiful_song
The divorce is hard on both of them.
Carl's not even 16 when they start sleeping together.
They both know it's wrong but they look the other way for whatever reason.
Rick's drunk the first time they fool around, but he knows what he's
doing—because Carl initiates it and Rick doesn't say no, doesn't push him away,
just lets Carl climb on his lap and kiss him with inexperienced lips. (That's
okay, though, because Carl learns with time.)
And then they're fucking two or three times a week and it doesn't stop. They're
careful; Carl's on birth control. They're so, so careful—until they're not
careful enough and Carl's throwing up on Tuesday before school and he doesn't
even have to wonder why; he knows. Deep down he knows.
He's got it figured out before he even takes a test because he Googled. He was
on antibiotics to treat a sinus infection. They must've decreased the
effectiveness of his birth control, because boom: pregnant.
When Rick comes home, Carl's so close to telling him, but can't bring himself
to, and can't bring himself to let Rick touch him when they go to bed. He lies,
says he has a headache and isn't in the mood. Rick kisses his hair. Carl curls
in on himself and tries to will it all away.
*
Carl gets sick in gym class on Thursday. Thankfully he's close to a trash can
when his stomach decides to purge itself. He's woozy when he's finished, and
his coach writes him a pass to the nurse.
The nurse gets Carl to admit that he's been sick since Tuesday. She asks him
the question that he knows the answer to: Is there a possibility you're
pregnant?
"No," Carl lies, half-laughs. He swallows. Hard. Opens his mouth to say
something else, but decides against it. He's suddenly too self-aware as she
takes his temperature.
The thermometer beeps.
"No fever. You feel okay to go back to class?"
"Yeah," Carl answers, soft and distant as he counts the tiles on the floor.
She gives him a pass back to class.
*
It's Friday and Carl's in history class chewing peppermint gum to ward off
morning sickness. (He Googled; it helps.) He can't even concentrate on what
he's supposed to be reading. He's scared shitless, knows he needs to tell Rick
what's going on, and soon. He doesn't want to deal with it at all; he just
wants to sleep until it goes away.
*
Saturday morning and Carl hasn't slept more than two hours. The clock on Rick's
bedside table reads 6:13 AM and he doesn't know why, but he reaches out and
shakes Rick's shoulder.
"Hm?" Rick's on his back, turns his head as his eyes flutter open. Carl licks
his chapped lips, it's on the tip of his tongue, two words, but he still can't
bring himself to say them. Instead, he presses his mouth to Rick's. It's the
last thing he wants to do, but if it prolongs the inevitable, Carl's all for
it.
Rick fucks him till he's moaning.
*
Carl is home alone all day, doesn't do his homework because he can't seem to
move off the couch for anything. He skips breakfast, lunch, drinks a Coke when
his stomach growls.
Somehow it's 6 o'clock and Rick's walking in the door.
"Hey," Rick says, soft and casual.
The truth spills, and Carl is shaking.
*
Rick's reaction is actually worse than Carl imagined it'd be; at first Rick
says Carl is joking, but then Carl starts crying, and Rick goes to change into
a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. He comes back, face hardened.
"Get in the car."
*
Rick's knuckles on the steering wheel are white. They're driving five towns
over to a Walgreens where no one knows them. Carl's too scared to talk. It's no
surprise that Rick makes him go in to buy the test alone.
Carl makes his purchase and he's still shaking when he gets back in the car.
*
Two lines appear and Carl is expecting them, but his heart still sinks. He
carries the test out of the bathroom to show Rick. Carl's so close to tears,
close to breaking down right now, but he steels himself. He watches Rick scrub
his face like this is all just a bad dream.
"You can't keep it," he says.
And it's not "we," it's "you," and Carl's heart breaks.
*
It's Sunday morning, and he's throwing up again. Carl's on his knees on the
bathroom floor and it's the smell of Rick's fucking coffee that triggers it
this time. Somewhere, he hears footsteps.
"I made an appointment for tomorrow," Rick says, gruff, and a mug of black
coffee in his hand as he stands in the doorway.
Carl heaves again; the smell is just so awful.
Rick's halfway down the hall when he hollers, "You're staying home from
school."
*
He's in a clinic Monday morning. Rick stays home from work to take him. They
confirm he's pregnant, 11 weeks according to the ultrasound, and give him his
options. The thing is, he doesn't have any options. It doesn't matter what he
wants; Rick has the final say.
They schedule the procedure for Thursday.
They get home and Rick sits alone at the kitchen table for a long time.
*
Carl goes to school Tuesday and Wednesday. He focuses on anything and
everything but the appointment tomorrow.
At home, the tension is killing them both. Rick's probably too stubborn to
admit it, and Carl can't even look at Rick right now. It's stupid because he
knows he can't have a baby, but it's the principle of Rick not asking him what
he wants that hurts the most.
*
On Thursday morning it's raining out.
Carl wishes he wouldn't wake up, but he does, and he gets dressed. He doesn't
eat breakfast; the smell of Rick's coffee makes him sick.
At a quarter till 7, they head downtown.
*
The appointment lasts 5 hours. They do paperwork, blood work, an ultrasound,
and the nurses ask Carl three times if this is what he wants.
"Yes," he says, only he's lying because he doesn't know what he wants, doesn't
know if he'd choose this if his situation were any different.
*
It doesn't last long, maybe 20 minutes. Carl does everything the doctor says.
He wants to cry but he doesn't, wants to tell the doctor to stop but he
doesn't.
They let Rick back to see him, and Rick looks like a mess.
They give Carl antibiotics and send him home.
They don't tell Lori.
*
He can't hold back anymore. As soon as they pull out of the parking lot, the
tears begin to fall. He's sobbing because he can't believe what he's done,
can't believe he killed their baby, can't believe it's gone—just like that.
Rick tries to talk to him, but Carl won't listen, won't engage him. It's Rick's
fault he's like this in the first place.
Rick puts a hand on his knee, and Carl shoves it away.
"I'm sorry," Rick says, voice quaking.
But Carl doesn't believe him; he's sure that Rick is relieved and in some small
way, he's relieved, too. It's not that he's upset about the baby (he is), but
more that Rick gave him no choice, didn't even ask Carl what he wanted. He says
nothing.
When Rick reaches for his hand, Carl pulls it away.
Rick has the audacity to scoff. "That's how you're gonna be?"
"I hate you," Carl seethes.
*
"Carl!"
But Carl is too quick; he locks himself in his bedroom before Rick can make it
through the front door. He collapses against the wall, sinks to the floor,
guilty, empty, relieved. He pulls his knees to his chest and sniffles.
"Talk to me," Rick pleads, forehead pressed to the bedroom door.
Carl bites his lip, hugs his knees harder. He can't stop crying.
He goes to sleep in his own bed, alone, for the first time in months.
*
On Friday, Carl wakes up cramping. He's not too worried about it; the aftercare
instructions say it's normal. He goes into the kitchen to find that the smell
of Rick's coffee isn't as offensive as it was two days ago.
Rick's sitting at the kitchen table and Carl's pretty sure he's been crying.
"How do you feel?"
Aside from the fact that he's sure he's emotionally scarred: "Okay, I guess."
Rick nods. "Good."
"Um," Carl starts, because he's not sure how Rick's going to take this, "I
think I'm gonna go stay with Mom and Shane for a while."
He hesitates, looks like he wants to say 'no,' but instead: "Is she okay with
that?"
Carl shifts on his feet. This is the most they've talked since before it
happened. "She's been asking me anyway, so... I'll call her after school."
"Alright," Rick says, soft and subdued.
*
Lori says yes, of course.
She fixes up the spare bedroom for him. It's got nice clean bedding and fresh
blue walls. She makes him dinner and Shane is nice to him. It's almost like
they know something's up, or maybe that's just how parents are supposed to act.
Either way, it's easier for Carl to heal.
He never does tell Lori what happened.
*
The next week, it ends fast—all of it. The stories on the news come first. Carl
sees footage on TV about riots and police brutality and a virus that comes
seemingly from nowhere.
Rick's tried to call him twice, and the third time Carl's phone rings he
decides to pick up for whatever reason—maybe because he's scared, maybe because
he's hurting, maybe because he's hoping for an apology. They still haven't
talked since the abortion.
"Pack a bag," Rick says, hurried. "We're leaving town. Tell your mom, tell
Shane. We gotta go."
Carl doesn't question it, catches the desperation in Rick's tone. As he stands
up from the sofa, the power goes out. There are screams from down the street.
He's never packed a bag so fast.
*
Rick pulls up in his Chevy and Carl's still angry, still upset about
everything, but he runs to Rick and hugs him tight. He's scared. He's
terrified. 
"Let's go," Rick says, fingers running through his hair.
Carl sighs against his shoulder.
They climb into the truck while Lori and Shane follow behind them.
*
They're part of a bigger group now. Even if they wanted to be together, they
couldn't be. Not with Lori watching, not with Shane. They learn how to navigate
the roads. They learn how to survive. They're doing okay.
But then Lori gets pregnant.
*
The group thins out as months go by. Shane's arrogance costs him his life. Rick
promises to take care of Lori and the baby. Carl's resentful and jealous and
every word out of his mouth is spat with callous disregard. He's mad at Lori
mostly because she actually gets to have her baby, but also because she slows
them down
Carl doesn't understand why Rick would take care of someone else's baby, but
not his own.
*
They find the prison.
They have more room to spread out. Carl gets his own cell down by Daryl's. He
doesn't bother to unpack his bag. If this place is anything like the last, they
won't be staying long.
*
Carl's at his post, one of the guard towers. He sees Rick coming from hundreds
of yards away and he can't escape. He closes his eyes, waits for the
inevitable.
At the top of the stairs, Rick opens the door.
They haven't been alone like this since before it started, since—
"How's it goin'?"
Carl shrugs. He's not sure if Rick means how his watch shift is going, or how
he's coping emotionally.
"You doin' okay?"

Rick reaches out and Carl leans away. He doesn't know why; he doesn't mean to.
It just feels so different.
Rick sighs. "I'm sorry, Carl. I am sorry about the baby."
And it dawns on him that this is the first time Rick's ever referred to it as
the baby. Carl just shakes his head.
Rick runs a hand through his hair. "How long's this gonna go on for? What'd you
expect me to do? You were 15!"
"It's not that!" Carl shouts. For once, he doesn't have to worry about being
loud; no one can hear them up here. "I'm glad I didn't have it, okay? It's the
fact that you didn't fucking ask me what I wanted!" He's been so strong for so
long that he loses it now; his eyes fill with tears and he sniffles. He does
everything in his power to try to push Rick away, even shoves him toward the
door, but he ends up with Rick's arms around his shoulders instead.
And finally, finally Rick is holding him and telling him it'll be okay.
*
Lori doesn't survive childbirth. Carl's with her when it happens; he puts her
down. Maggie is the one to cut the baby out. It's a girl.
Maggie hands her to Carl, and finally Carl has his baby. He names her Judith.
They bury Lori in the prison yard.
*
When they lose the prison, Carl loses Judith. He loses himself.
He makes it out with Rick.
*
They're both so broken it's bound to happen.
They fuck for the first time in a year. It's messy and clumsy and doesn't even
feel necessarily good, but it feels familiar. Nothing else feels familiar these
days.
Carl doesn't worry about getting pregnant, because now pregnancy means death,
and death is a kind thing, and Carl is just an empty shell.
*
When they find Alexandria, they find Michonne. They find Daryl. They find
Judith.
*
In the second floor bedroom, Judith sleeps in her playpen. Carl's spread on the
bed, hair fanned out against the clean blue sheets, Rick between his legs, and
it's the most human he's felt in months.
*
Carl never does get pregnant again. Maybe it's punishment, maybe it's a
blessing, maybe the first time was a fluke. Maybe it's just fate.
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