Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/12588240.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage
  Category:
      M/M, Multi, Other
  Fandom:
      Wanna_One_(Band)
  Relationship:
      Lai_Guanlin/Park_Jihoon, Bae_Jinyoung/Lee_Daehwi, Ha_Sungwoon/Kang_Daniel
  Character:
      Lai_Guanlin, Park_Jihoon, Lee_Daehwi, Bae_Jinyoung, Ha_Sungwoon, Hwang
      Minhyun, Kang_Daniel, Park_Woojin, Ong_Seongwoo, Kim_Jaehwan, Yoon_Jisung
  Additional Tags:
      PanWink_-_Freeform, jinhwi, NielWoon, Underage_Drinking, Runaway_boys,
      Self-Discovery, laji, Deephwi, Mental_Health_Issues, Implied/Referenced
      Self-Harm, Asexual_Character, Implied/Referenced_Suicide, Mentions_of
      Rape, sensitive_topics_discussed_read_at_ur_own_will
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-11-08 Chapters: 1/? Words: 2812
****** runaway boys ******
by laiguanlins
Summary
     “If these pills can’t help me, then how can you?” Guanlin whispered
     in a hushed tone
      
     “Because these pills won’t love you and hold you the way I will”
      
     11 boys who run away from their problems, realizing as long as they
     had one another, nothing in the world could stop them from reaching
     any limit
Notes
     new fic!! this will be panwink centric w jinhwi n nielwoon but
     important notice that this fic is different from my others. this fic
     will contain graphic depictions of violence n mentions of r*pe so
     please read at ur own will. there will be mentions of implied suicide
     and self harm, but NO ONE dies just to clarify, this fic is a serious
     one that discusses self discovery mental health..etc. this is only an
     intro so far the pairs will have a chapter dedicated to them that
     unfolds info abt them and then the actual plot will begin i hope u
     guys enjoy! please bookmark kudos and comment bc this will be ongoing
     and comments help me update bc i loser motication quickly !! please
     talk to me on my twt @guanlinsjihoon i’m always open to suggestions
     and such once again thank you!
See the end of the work for more notes
4 years ago
 
Guanlin's first day 
 
The Taiwanese boy recalls the nerves bubbling inside his stomach as he walked
along the dim hallway of his brand new school. He remembers the way his mother
had a harsh grip on his little hands, dragging the small boy towards the
headmaster's office. Guanlin was nervous, he didn't want to be here, he wanted
to be back in Taiwan, back where his friends didn't treat him like a foreign
piece of meat; like he was different. Before arriving to Seoul for whatever
unknown reason, the boy thinks back to the way his mother forced him to learn
the new language, keeping him away from his friends, the only others who kept
his mind sane. But that was taken away too. Before entering the office, his
mother hits his back, gesturing him to straighten his posture, and he does as
he was told
 
"Lai Guanlin?" the woman asked in a bored tone, expression completely blank.
Seemed like she didn't want to be here just as much as Guanlin didn't. When the
boy made no response, his mother nudges him again, "show some respect and
answer-" she grits through her teeth, while Guanlin could only force an
apologetic smile onto his face, bowing at the headmaster
 
Guanlin wanted to run away
 
He was all alone now, insecurity eating him up as he felt himself shrink into
the seat. Everything was so foreign, he felt so out of place as soon as he set
foot into the classroom, hushed snickers passing by as he walked towards his
seat.
 
 
The kids erupted into laughter as soon as Guanlin introduced himself, he didn’t
know why it happened. He didn’t understand what was funny, why people mocked
him, what he had done to deserve that. A part of him wanted to cry right there,
but that would only result into more laughter, he chose not to cry, he does it
enough anyways. Guanlin was an observant person, for someone so young he knew
too much, eyes darting at the laughing children who made him seem like a joke,
the attempts of the teacher to calm the students down being pushed at the back
of his head. Yet Guanlin’s eyes stopped, trained onto a boy. The one boy who
didn’t laugh, who only stared at him with pitiful sad eyes
 
 
Guanlin wondered if he’ll ever get to know his name, wondered if he could read
the unknown boy’s sad eyes, instead he shrugged, letting all the laughter die
down as he shut his eyes, biting down on his lip
 
While all the kids were playing amongst each other under the hot clear summer
skies, Guanlin was sat by himself, trying as best as he could to be unseen; to
be invisible and unnoticed 
 
Clearly his plan hadn’t gone down well, attracting the same group of kids who
had laughed at him for no reason, the same kids who made him feel more foreign
and unwanted. It’s always a feeling the young boy had felt, completely
unwanted, just a figment of something that existed. “Hey stupid look at me-“ a
voice came above Guanlin, the tone laced with ill intentions, once again
Guanlin wanted to run away
 
But he was unable to look up, fists balled by his sides, biting down on his lip
knowing he might end up doing something. Don’t do it Guanlin 
 
“I said look at me idiot, are you that stupid? Your mother must hate you” the
boy spat, Guanlin smiled sickenly to himself, the bittersweet words were music
to his ears, because they were true, “yah! why’s he smiling? What a freak, let
me make you listen to me-“ before the boy could finish his words, his hands
made its way towards Guanlin’s face, full force
 
Guanlin was shocked, some of the little girls behind the boy were shocked,
“should I teach you a lesson?” the boy repeated with a push, now the kids
behind began snickering, “can’t speak huh?” another boy piped in, playing with
Guanlin’s cheeks to mock him, the Taiwanese boy backing up in fear, feeling the
warm tears threatening to spill. This was so unfair 
 
”Say something freak-“ And it’s when Guanlin did exactly what he was forced out
of doing years ago. The anger built inside of him, someone else overtook his
body, he became the worst version of himself that he hated but had no control
over, grabbing the boy’s face as he slammed it against the brick wall, everyone
screeching behind them. He’d done it again, he became violent. And he was
proud, grinning as he watched the blood drip down the boy’s face, teachers and
adults rushing to the boy’s aid.
 
Everything was blurred out from Guanlin’s vision, all the screaming and
shouting from the background was faded. The only person he saw clear was the
same boy who never laughed at him, his figure was stood at a corner with
expectant eyes, Guanlin wanted to know his name. But for now he was snapped out
of his daze as someone shook his body furiously, Guanlin was back to reality
 
”What’s wrong with you! Why would you do this! Kid speak up!” Guanlin wanted to
run away once again, wanted to grab the unfamiliar boy’s hand with his bloody
ones and get away. His head hurt, he wanted to scream, and that’s exactly what
he did. He covered his head, screaming in bloody horror 
 
 
“Don't go...” Guanlin whispered, holding onto Jihoon’s hand, slowly lacing
their fingers together. He felt the most comfort and warmth when he was around
the elder, pulling the boy back into his arms, “hyung don’t leave me, stay
tonight” the Taiwanese boy murmured into the crook of Jihoon’s neck, hot breath
causing Jihoon to shiver, clutching onto the younger's shirt to face him,
“Guanlin-ah...” The younger boy didn’t let Jihoon speak any further, pressing
his lips onto the elder’s soft ones, not letting him continue any further. He
knew Jihoon would leave, he knew Jihoon didn’t want to stay. But Jihoon always
kissed back, just as eager, holding Guanlin’s jaw to kiss him deeper
 
 
”Guanlin I want to stay but you know I-“
 
Of course Guanlin knew, he knew exactly what Jihoon meant, and that’s what
pained him the most. He knew Jihoon was afraid of what was doomed to happen at
4am, but during that time, Guanlin needed Jihoon by his side. Little did
Guanlin know, even Jihoon cried at 4am
 
“Hyung I’ll try-“ the elder shook his head sadly, hushing Guanlin’s word with
another slow kiss, gentle and careful with his lips, because that’s all Guanlin
deserves to be treated by, with care and gentleness. And it’s unfortunate he
never was
 
 
“I love you Guanlin, but I’m afraid of you too”
 
 
Right after the incident, Guanlin was back inside the room with taunting plain
white walls. An old woman with a clipboard, his mother glaring at him with
daggers. Guanlin was tired, he was so awfully used to these settings, it grew
onto him, it no longer hurt him, just reminded him of how monsterous he was
 
 
”Why’d you even stay beside me all these years, knowing what I’m capable of,
knowing the monster I am” Guanlin lowly spoke, tracing his finger down Jihoon’s
arm, feeling the smaller boy’s body shake from his cold fingers, hugging
Guanlin tighter, “you’re not a monster Guanlin” Jihoon whispered yet again,
innocent brown eyes staring into Guanlin’s with parted lips, “I could hurt you”
the younger retaliated quickly, fingers grazing down Jihoon’s cheek, examining
every aspect of the elder’s skin, so beautiful, he thought. “You could hurt
me...but you’d never do that, you would never hurt me” the elder confidently
spoke, snaking his small arms around Guanlin’s neck, feeling the younger’s
heart beat quickly against his chest
 
”Why do you sound so confident?” Guanlin raised his brow, leaving a quick peck
onto Jihoon’s lips, “because you would never hurt something you love, right?”
 
 
Jihoon was right. Guanlin hurts, but he won’t ever hurt the things he loves,
and Jihoon was someone he loved a lot 
 
 
“Guanlin-ah...what will we do with you?” the old lady spoke to herself with a
deep sigh. Everyone was tired of the younger boy, “if you can’t control your
anger, you’ll end up not only hurting others, but yourself too” Guanlin was
clearly aware of that, at a young age he knew very well how repulsive and
destructive he was. He had no control over it either, boredly staring at his
therapist, “do you want to hurt people Guanlin?”
 
”Yes”
 
Wrong answer for a twelve year old, or for anyone to respond with. But to
Guanlin it was right, for what he’s grown up to see, he thought hurting was the
only situation to satisfy all the anger and troubles within him. As soon as he
answered with the one word, he felt his mother coming towards him with
aggravation and intentions to hurt him, she was stopped however. “No Guanlin,
we don’t use violence as a solution, we can find other ways to deal with our
problems”
 
Guanlin laughed at that, thinking back to his things were home. At home,
violence was the solution to everything 
 
 
“She stared and touched you inappropriately! She can’t do that, you’re a minor,
she’s like fucking 40-“ the younger boy screamed, throwing his hands in the
air, cupping Jihoon’s cheeks as soon as they were out of the club. “We’re
underage, we snuck into a club, we practically knew what was coming our way,
but that doesn’t mean you can go around trying to fucking hurt people!” Jihoon
yelled back, ripping Guanlin’s hands off his face. Jihoon wasn’t just upset
because Guanlin could’ve hurt someone today, he was hurt that he could have
lost Guanlin today 
 
“Y-you can’t just blow up like t-that! If you’d actually done something, you
would’ve been behind bars, how do you think I’d feel! I c-can’t be without
you!” the elder frustratedly yelled, body shaking from everything built inside
him. Guanlin was scared of Jihoon, Jihoon was always calm, Jihoon never blew up
or yelled, Jihoon kept him sane and calm, yet Guanlin caused that boy to
scream, cry, and shake right now. So he ignored his worries, reaching out to
pull Jihoon in, holding him tightly, caressing his head gently, whispering
loving things into his ear, Jihoon couldn’t be sad. Jihoon needed to be happy
for the sake of Guanlin
 
”I’d never leave your side hyung, no matter what it takes, I wouldn’t-“
 
”Shut up Guanlin! You can talk tall with all the cheesy things you want, but
you know damn fucking well you would be behind bars and you would leave me
behind, so don’t you dare sugarcoat anything, don’t you fucking dare” Jihoon
was tired of losing everything he loved, he’s grown to be able to lose
everything if it meant his best friend would stay by his side always. “She
touched you hyung, she didn’t have the right to do that, it’s so wrong...”
Guanlin croaked out, pressing his lips onto Jihoon’s cheek, the exact place the
woman touched what was his only. With a sharp inhale, Jihoon felt his throat
close up, fists balled by his side as the younger’s warm lips remained on his
skin
 
Jihoon felt the nightmares flooding back, 4am came too early today, he wanted
to cry again
 
To everyone Guanlin was like a time ticking bomb ready to blow up whenever. And
that’s exactly what he was, and who he was. “Short temper at such a young
age...” the old woman spoke to herself once again, tapping the pen against her
chin as her eyes were trained on the clipboard. On the clipboard would be a
paper with artificial questions they ask, such as ‘how are you?’ Guanlin wanted
to laugh everytime he heard that question, how was he? 
 
“I’m great” Guanlin would reply blandly, when he wanted to scream, “I’m a
twelve year old who’s lost the childhood I never had” But he stayed quiet,
listening to everything he was labeled and diagnosed with. Guanlin was told he
had bipolar depression, but Guanlin would prefer to call it, ‘that’s what
happens when you grow up around toxic parents in a toxic household’ but with
that piercing gaze his mother always gave him as he sat on that chair, Guanlin
would never dare to mention such
 
So he'd nod his head, unfortunate that from such a young age he had to learn
what bipolar depression was. A technical term that simply meant that Guanlin
was a time ticking bomb; a freak
 
Whenever Guanlin wanted to hurt himself, he kissed Jihoon. It’s why the scars
lessened on his arms and body throughout the years. Jihoon helped him forget
for the most little ounce of time that he had issues. They never discussed why
they kissed, or if anything was meant behind it, they just did it to keep each
other sane, “you always flinch when anyone other than me lays a finger on
you..” Guanlin snickered, staring up to see Jihoon dazed off, staring at the
ceiling, “you love me that much huh?” the younger smirked, reaching up to grab
the elder’s jaw, “I have my reasons.” Jihoon plainly replied, almost in a
monotone voice, it scared Guanlin
 
”Are you okay?” the younger suddenly got off Jihoon’s chest, sat up with
concerned worried eyes, “I’m okay Guanlin, don’t worry-“ Jihoon weakly smiled,
ruffling his hair, “I love you so much Guanlin...j-just hold me right now”
 
Guanlin didn’t understand if he’d said something wrong, why Jihoon’s mood
shifted so quickly, had he caused it? Instead he chose to ignore it, pushing
aside the thoughts to hold the boy he loved the most, watching Jihoon shut his
eyes. Jihoon looked the most beautiful during two moments, Guanlin took note of
in the four years he’s known the older boy. One, Jihoon looked gorgeous when he
was in deep slumber, his face radiated innoncence and warmth. He looked
inviting, the way that Guanlin wanted to protect his best friend at all times.
Two, when Jihoon laughed. When Jihoon laughed for real,his cheeks would puff,
his teeth would be on display, he looked the most carefree in contrary to their
corrupted lives; Jihoon was happy 
 
Happiness for the two of them was rare, but as long as they had each other,
even the bare minimum was enough to keep them sane, pressing a soft kiss onto
Jihoon’s temple, feeling the elder’s soft warmth breaths hover over his face,
“I love you more hyung”
 
Guanlin was taken out of school. A child like him should have been at school,
surrounded by other children his age, not his toxic household, but now reality
proved to be against him. Online schooling was his last option, which meant
he’d have to be in the same home he dreaded to be in
 
Once again Guanlin was inside the school he was kicked out of, mother’s harsh
grip onto his small hands, being dragged along the hallways to pack any
belongings. “Fucked up our life, how much more destruction will you cause..”
his mother muttered angrily under her breath, Guanlin wanted to cover his ears
and run away. The parents said Guanlin was dangerous for the kids, for the
school. Potential danger casted within him, everyone talked down on him like he
was a monster. Everyone thought he was wrong, “c-can I go to the bathroom?”
Guanlin asked just above a whisper, fearing the woman who birthed him the most,
she despised him. And he knew it, “hurry brat” the lady snarled, harshly
letting his hand go
 
Guanlin never got to spend any more than a day at this school, everything was
taken away from him, all because he was a destructive mess, a danger to
everyone. Hating his reflection that stared back into him, he wanted to cry and
smash the mirror, but then the door opened, entering was the boy in his blurred
mind
 
Both of them looked at each other, no words exchanged, just their heavy breaths
being echoed through the atmosphere. The unknown boy stared into Guanlin’s
eyes, breathing hard, slowly walking next to him, washing his hands. Guanlin
was still frozen in spot, should he say something? But he was cut off, hearing
the boy clear his throat, facing Guanlin
 
”Just so you know, what you did to that boy was completely right”
 
That day Guanlin learned that not everyone saw him through this dark lense full
of hatred. That day he learned that he wasn’t wrong, he could have handled it
better, but he had no control or power over his actions, even if he wishes he
could. That day he learned the unknown boy's name who was stuck at the back of
his blurred out mind
 
And his name was Park Jihoon
 
 
End Notes
     AAAAAAAA omg ty if u read it so far once again my twt is
     @guanlinsjihoon !
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