Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/ works/6211243. Rating: Explicit Archive Warning: Choose_Not_To_Use_Archive_Warnings, Underage Category: M/M Fandom: 방탄소년단_|_Bangtan_Boys_|_BTS Relationship: Jeon_Jungkook/Min_Yoongi_|_Suga, Min_Yoongi_|_Suga/Park_Jimin Character: Min_Yoongi_|_Suga, Jeon_Jungkook, Park_Jimin_(BTS) Additional Tags: mentions_of_namjoon_seokjin_and_hoseok, Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Character_Death, Implied_Sexual_Content, Underage_Drug_Use, Suicide Attempt, Minor_Character_Death, Threatening, Angst, Tragedy, Drug_Use, are_pills_drugs, this_is_so_bad_for_a_bday_im_sorry Stats: Published: 2016-03-10 Words: 2430 ****** prohibere ****** by ars_cyj Summary Yoongi wakes up in the morning to see Jungkook outside the sliding glass door in his room. He can’t see well due to his blurry vision, but he can see the blurry silhouette of Jungkook sitting on the balcony bars. Yoongi doesn’t get it at first, but as his head starts to process everything and he gets the most simple idea of what the younger is trying to do. He jumps off the bed and quickly slides the door to allow the wind hit his face. Yoongi cares less than to prevent the younger from doing what he thinks is right. Notes what am i doing on someone's birthday? angst fics. sorry. thank you so much to my beta reader maya. she worked so hard on this and i really appreciated it ^^. i dont know if depression pills are drugs but i kind of put it in the tags anyway. and since you've read tags, you know what you're going through. enjoy! (my stomach hurts so bad i cant..) See the end of the work for more notes       Yoongi loves taking his “happy pills”. The feeling of the small, oval tablets making its way down his throat is simply….heaven. He likes the shape of the pills and the bitter and unpleasant taste of it making contact with his throat is -- Taking three pills in one gulp every after four meals a day is a sign of a major depression they say, and yes, Yoongi admits it. He is addicted to the pills that he’s kept from the others.-- He keeps small bottles of the pills in his sliding mirror in the bathroom. The sliding mirror is not too big and not too small. It’s just the right size to keep a number of pills that Yoongi needed. He had lost count of how many bottles has he had, both empty and the current ones he has. Seokjin is concerned and wants Yoongi to stop, but Yoongi ignores him with a glare. He thinks Seokjin has tried more than his ten fingers, and the last time Seokjin walked through the door or sent him a warning message was about two weeks ago. Yoongi believes that Seokjin had enough of his attitude, and that thought made him happy. Whenever he was asked of why to take pills instead of drinking, smoking, or cutting, Yoongi would always reply with a cold tone. He wants it slow and agonising but a quick death when overdosed. He loved his body shape and cares for his body, so he wouldn’t cut his wrists and thighs. He doesn't drink because he despises the taste of alcohol and his body reacts to substances containing ethanol. He doesn’t want to die just yet. Drinking is out of his list of self-harm. He also hated the smell of smoke in the air. The ashes that will sizzle in the throat when you inhale it would cause his throat to hurt more. Yoongi loves his vocal chords, so he wouldn’t sacrifice it for smoking. Before this addiction, he wasn’t like this at all. He won’t hide his pills in the sliding mirror, he won’t stare at the pills that were served as a meal on a plate with a fork placed on the left, a knife on the right, and a beverage in line with the knife. No. Yoongi doesn’t even take pills for depression. He may be grumpy, but he is extremely concerned about his members. His gummy smile is so precious and so beautiful. Jimin was his one and only in the world. His small eyes and wonderful smile that Yoongi dreams of every night, and the perfectly sculptured body that Yoongi loves to mark. He dreams of the affections they show to each other, from little hugs, to spooning feathery kisses on hair and forehead to snarky kisses, to removing each other’s clothes like a beast. To the sweet, loud moans and groaning in the quiet night. Yoongi bites Jimin everywhere, leaving marks on the toned body, claiming his. Jimin would do the same. They would lie and stare at the midnight sky and the moonlight that shone in the dim-lighted room of theirs. They’d smile tiredly but genuinely to each other and promises to maintain their happiness until the very end. But their happiness isn’t everlast like they expected it to be. Yoongi receives a news from Hoseok who is on the verge of tears in his front porch, and shuts himself in their apartment. He would constantly get knocks on the door and ask if he’s okay, but he would never answer unless it’s Seokjin, but he has long given up on Yoongi. He still smells the sweet and addictive scent of his sunshine lingering around the apartment. The scent mixed with Jimin’s favourite cologne and the smell of Jimin’s shampoo...it makes Yoongi want to cry over and over again. He has the smell of Jimin’s clothes hanging in their shared wardrobe, but he just can’t. He thanks the pills that he has taken after two months of succumbing to depression, which leads to a worse one, and he loves it.   Jungkook hates it. He hates the pills that he has taken once. The bitter taste of the pills makes him pull a face behind everyone’s back. If everyone turned their back at the very moment, Jungkook would quickly throw them away so he wouldn’t have to take it. He prefers vitamins with flavours so he doesn’t have to endure the tasteless and bitterness of a normal pill. He regrets himself. He shouldn’t have done it in the first place, but his stupid and innocent mind tells him to, upon the sudden heartbreaking news of his parents. Jungkook was a young kid. He was too young to understand death, but he does. This had him shaking more and more that he had to scream and cried himself to stop. Stop shaking. Stop vibrating. Fuck! Just fucking stop! he would yell to himself. He doesn’t care if people think of him crazy or if they think that he is suffering from a disorder even though he actually isn’t any of those. He just needed to stop shaking. He found pills for depression in his parents’ bathroom. Though he was too young for it, he swallows it and gradually feels better than ever. He found pills as the best solution to his depression, so he takes one after every meal. He took risks so he took two….and then three….four...and finally, five. He eventually couldn’t stop swallowing them; he loved it. He felt heavenly and happy. But it ends so quickly. Jungkook saw red and white after swallowing a pill two weeks ago. His cold body laid on the cold, tiled floor in the bathroom. His eyes were dark and soulless, but Jungkook had a little smile plastered on his petite face. His vision becomes blurry and fades out when he saw a blurred image of Namjoon rushing towards him. He remembers waking up seeing a white ceiling and he was welcomed to a white room with white curtains, white sheets, white hospital gown, white IV in his skin, and white doors. He then saw Namjoon to his side, probably sleeping. The light pink hair that the man had dyed the other day blends in perfectly with the colour of the room. He smiled tiredly and played with the soft locks of his brother’s hair. Jungkook though of the dried tear marks on Namjoon’s face when he wakes up. He hates seeing people cry, especially when it’s his own family. He also thought of his parents and he silently prayed for them in the skies, and the little boy closes his eyes and falls into a deep slumber in a room that’s filled with the sound of the heart monitor. He never promises anyone to stop eating pills, except himself and Namjoon, without the man’s acknowledgement. That’s what his older brother probably wanted from him though, so he stopped taking them. That was the incident two years ago. Jungkook doesn’t want anyone he loves to feel the same way he did. He doesn’t want to see them suffer, he’s afraid of that. He is strict with anyone who succumbed to the dark side of life because he loves them, the same goes to Yoongi. However, Yoongi dislikes the kid for stopping his addictions. The mint-haired man is stubborn. He would pull away harshly from Jungkook’s tight grip on his wrists. It hurts but Yoongi didn’t care. He just laughs half-heartedly on Jungkook’s attempts in keeping him alive. He laughs and laughs until his throat had turned dry. Yoongi would throw things at Jungkook, yell at him, threaten him with a knife… Anything that will just make the boy leave the older male alone and to continue his daily routine, but like Yoongi, Jungkook is just as stubborn. Every night he would come, and every night would leave. It keeps on repeating but the same thing just keeps on happening like a broken stereo that’s stuck on repeat. Until the day where Jungkook had enough, is the day where he thinks of doing the easiest way to solve depression. Jungkook is doing this for Yoongi’s own good.   Yoongi wakes up in the morning to see Jungkook outside the sliding glass door in his room. He can’t see well due to his blurry vision, but he can see the blurry silhouette of Jungkook sitting on the balcony bars. Yoongi doesn’t get it at first, but as his head starts to process everything and he gets the most simple idea of what the younger is trying to do. He jumps off the bed and quickly slides the door to allow the wind hit his face. Yoongi cares less than to prevent the younger from doing what he thinks is right. He yells Jungkook’s name and the younger turns showing that he has heard the older calling out his name despite of the busy city in the morning and the strong wind. The younger sees the multiple emotions that are painted on Yoongi’s face. He sees anger, confusion, worry, and fright. “What the fuck are you to do, Jungkook-ah?!” Jungkook doesn’t answer with words and smiles at Yoongi instead. The mint- haired doesn’t get why he smiles like that, and Yoongi hates having Jungkook smile at him in this kind of situation. There’s silence filling in the space between them, minus the sound of cars honking at each other, and the wind whistling in the air. Strands of Jungkook’s black locks follows the wind’s movement but it stays strong on the younger’s roots. His fringe follows the wind, covering his eyes. Yoongi finds it alluringly beautiful and attractive. “Hyung, you love me, right…?” Yoongi hears the question coming from the younger’s mouth. He nods. Of course he does, he loves Jungkook and treats him like his own little brother. “You would do anything for me, right?” Yoongi nods again. He doesn’t know why, but he thinks that he won’t do anything for Jungkook. He still felt the need to nod since his brain tells him to, to every word the younger that says. “Then, stop taking them, hyung.” “No!” His tongue spat the words so quick that he mentally covers his mouth for letting it out too fast. His rejection was as fast a bullet, but it’s the truth. He won’t stop. He never will. Yoongi looks up to see a sad Jungkook staring straight into his eyes. He was wrong to say that so fast. Faster than the speed of falling hopes. He watches Jungkook try to stand up and step off from the bars, but it wasn’t what he expected it to be. Jungkook slowly lifts himself up but he is careful not to slip off. Yoongi doesn’t get what he was trying to do, until he finally widens his eyes, rushes over to the younger, wraps his arms around the other’s waist in order to prevent him from attempting anything that would cause his own demise. Jungkook doesn’t flinch nor react to the older holding him down. He knows that his plan is actually working. He should treat himself something later for his great acting skills. It wasn’t too long before the younger feels something wet at the back of his shirt. He thinks of Yoongi’s tears. He is right because he can hear the soft muffled sounds by his white shirt. He can hear this clearly due to the wind calming itself down from whistling too loud, and the busy city suddenly turned quiet for them. Jungkook takes this free chance to ask Yoongi the same question. “Hyung, if you won’t let me die now, would you stop taking the pills for me?” Jungkook shows his bunny teeth as he smiles when he feels his back being shuffled up and down, with Yoongi’s face still planted on his shirt.   Yoongi improves from days to weeks to months. He has slowly stopped swallowing the round tablets and he feels better than ever. He took it at least twice a day, to once a day, and down to none. He doesn’t need the pills to make himself feel like he’s in heaven anymore. Jungkook is there to support him. The younger would give a look that Yoongi understands every time he got caught taking them. The younger also puts the older on a balancing diet so that he eats better and stay healthy longer. Yoongi has never felt this happy from recovering. And love wasn’t fast for them. It took months for them to realise their devotion for each other. Jungkook makes the first move by a simple and short yet sweet kiss when they were watching Pure Love the other day. They didn’t build their love immediately; it was slow and careful. It started with hands around the waist, little kisses on the hair, cheek, and forehead to sweet kisses on the lips. It was Jungkook who made the next step ahead when he pushes Yoongi to the bed, topping him. They didn’t do it in a fast speed. They made love slowly and lovingly as the shadows of their bodies slowly merge together. The younger leaves love marks on Yoongi’s neck and thighs, and Yoongi loves it. They made love until Yoongi came out first then Jungkook. They lie on the bed and stares outside through the window. Yoongi rode the younger earlier but he didn’t slip off just yet. He stays as he hears Jungkook’s heart beating through his chest. He felt like he could just sleep through it, and he really did. Yoongi wakes up the next morning to see the empty bed next to him and he’s not in his shirt, which is slightly larger than his and it almost slips off from his shoulder. The older walks outside to find his lover in the kitchen, and shows him a gummy smile. Yoongi creeps slowly and wraps his small arms around the taller’s torso and brings him closer to his chest. Jungkook continues on making pancakes but he won’t forget to plaster a smile on his face. ///// “Hyung, have you eaten today?” Jungkook asks one evening as they were watching TV in the living room. Yoongi gives him a lazy nod, and ends up having a slightly larger hand ruffle his hair. The older leans into the touch. “That’s good.” The younger plants a soft kiss on Yoongi’s hair and hums a song, and Yoongi slowly drifts to sleep. Jungkook may not be Yoongi’s one and only sunshine, but Yoongi can say that the younger is one and only savior. End Notes do shout at me on my tumblr cause im a loser and shamelessly promoting lol sorry. Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!