Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/11815080.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Major_Character_Death, Underage
  Category:
      M/M, Multi
  Fandom:
      SKAM_(TV)
  Relationship:
      Even_Bech_Næsheim/Isak_Valtersen, Isak_Valtersen/Jonas_Noah_Vasquez, Eva
      Kviig_Mohn_&_Isak_Valtersen, Eva_Kviig_Mohn/Jonas_Noah_Vasquez
  Character:
      Even_Bech_Næsheim, Isak_Valtersen, Eva_Kviig_Mohn, Jonas_Noah_Vasquez,
      Terje_Valtersen, Marianne_Valtersen, Even's_Parents_(SKAM)
  Additional Tags:
      childhood_AU, Slow_Build, confusions_of_sexuality, tags_will_be_updated
      as_story_goes_on
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-08-15 Updated: 2017-11-12 Chapters: 2/? Words: 10082
****** if you only knew ******
by sockhead
Summary
     Isak and Even have always loved each other, even if that meant they'd
     have to struggle to know what it meant while growing.
     Or,
     The one where Isak and Even never met at Nissen but instead grew up
     together. (The childhood AU no one asked for)
      
Notes
     hi there! so i know that i write a lot of fics, and i have like two
     other fics i need to update but this has been on my mind so much.
     i have gained so much inspiration from other childhood fanfics, and
     youtube videos so i decided to take my own spin on this. it'll be in
     isak's pov and most of in the first two chapters will be told from
     second point of view. it will be very heavy as time goes on, but i
     wanted to give a vibe on what it was. it's underage, so if you do not
     want to see things such as kissing and other themes, i'd advise to
     stray away but don't worry, the naughty won't happen until later.
     i'm so nervous about this, because writing younger versions of them
     is so hard, but i hope that you all enjoy this. the story will end up
     being 45k because chapters will bump up to 10k per chapter and be
     about 5 chapters. love you all. any fics i haven't updated will be
     soon, i promise. also, i do not have a beta and i kind of suck with
     english so please be aware that it may be confusing! so sorry:(
     (tw: bullying, gay slurs, fighting, homophobia) (pls read it's v
     mild)
See the end of the work for more notes
***** Chapter 1 *****
Growing up in suburbia of Oslo, Norway was a factor in Isak’s identity, playing
a vital role in shaping him into the boy that he was now. The experiences, the
words that spill from his petals, all the way to the relationships that he
created. He had plenty of friends, enough for Isak to not become overwhelmed
with the amount and a little bit of deciding that he is content with the
handful. The street he grew up on always smelled of lemonade and pine sol,
despite a number of fossil fuels that spewed from the cars from the parked
cars. It was a quiet area, not too much commotion – it was the perfect place to
raise a child especially in the eyes of the mass of families.
And that’s exactly what it was; perfect. Isak had fond memories of his
childhood, especially the ways that his parent had devoted their lives to their
only child. Isak had been a miracle baby, his parents had been dreaming of a
child and were hit with the news that in order for his mother, Marianne, to
have any children – she would have to have treatment. It was two months later
after the appointment at the doctor when she found out she was pregnant with
Isak. His father would often tell him many stories to him of his birth and how
excited they were to have such a beautiful boy to raise. Perhaps it did
motivate him to do well in school for that very reason; not wanting to whisk
his life away whenever it had been so rare. His very first memory had been of
his parents singing to him asleep. His very first words had been a sentence,
‘love papa and mama’, and it was the picture-perfect family. He never had to
worry about the subject of divorce. Isak remembered a few parents divorcing on
his street because the children of them had been his friends, who he did not
remember – but it still always made him feel sympathy for them. Especially due
to the fact that the concept baffled him.
Other than that, life on his street had been rather content. As if nothing
could possibly come and break it. Isak had been secluded into his household and
the front of his yard for most of his childhood. He did indeed live in the most
run-down home on the block, but it did not mean that it was not home. His home
had been the only one on the whole street that was one story. The yard had
brown spots along with weeds growing all over but it was them. Nothing perfect,
not having to mask the truth of their family, it had been the character of the
family of three. The only person who had come over the most was Eva Mohn and
her mother. Mrs. Mohn and his parents had been close friends from the moment
they had moved in. Eva had even taken baths with him after a long day of play
in the yard, she also had owned a matching toy-car that had allowed for them to
drive them itself, the kicking of the feet truly built into the two of them
racing up and down his driveway. Some nights, Eva would spend the night with
him for a reason he did not understand when he was little. She was like the
dolls that she’d play with, soft and pretty but it was not enough for him to
become infatuated. Although he’d often listen to the duo’s parents joke about
them perhaps one day falling in love, the thought had his stomach ache. He’d
told his mom that he did not feel good, which earned him an inspection of his
health. She concluded that he was certainly okay, nothing out of the norm was
to be affecting him. The feeling that he felt was also part of his first
memories; the thought of love and girls. He’d tell himself it was only cooties.
It was the summer of ’03 truly shook his existence. The summer that a new
family moved to the block. The boy was two years older than Isak and towered
over him. He moved to the house left of him which also happened to be the
largest house on the block, it even had a pool that Isak would often peek over
to look at the moment that the house was finished with renovations. He could
dream of owning a house with a pool, but the last thing that Isak could expect
was for someone to actually move in with a child. Isak had been sat crisscross
on his yard playing with a lizard that had been gliding along the grass and it
appeared to have taken a liking to him, due to the fact that it crawled onto
his lap. It happened on more than one occasion – animals finding comfort in him
and all he could is make sure he was gentle enough to be chosen. His pappa
often joked around that he would be spared by animals, which always made him
scrunch his eyebrows up in confusion. It was the sound of an engine that had
grabbed his attention, hues finding the moving truck pulling up onto the curb.
Being curious, Isak scoots his petite body further down the yard, settling at a
spot where he could get a better view of the people who had just pulled up. The
lizard is crawling up his arm but Isak can pay no attention, curiosity taking
the best of his attention span. It seemed boring to Isak until the moment a boy
slid out of the vehicle and it was in the moment that an unfamiliar fluttering
took over the pit of his stomach. It was the first time that Isak had found a
human besides his mamma and Eva to be beautiful. Isak was aware that only girls
had been known to be beautiful, but this stranger had certainly been an
exception to the rule.
Isak was captivated by the boy. Isak should’ve been focusing on the lizard and
be in awe of the fact that it had been crawling around Isak, but all Isak could
focus on was the stranger who had been giggling at whatever his sister had said
to him. Isak decided in that moment that he would want to hear his giggling
again, but Isak still could not make sense of why he was so attentive to this
stranger. The next thing Isak remembers is the feeling of the lizard managing
to bite down on his forearm and the loud sob that escaped his lips soon after.
The lizard quickly scurries off, leaving Isak to place a hand over the spot
that had just been tainted. Isak’s sobs do indeed catch the attention of the
boy and the boy seems to be awestruck by Isak, or maybe Isak is imagining it.
The stranger appears to be running inside, and it only causes Isak to sob more
due to embarrassment. He remembers his mamma running out and picking up Isak
into her warm embrace and it’s the last time he sees the boy.
It’s a week later when he sees the boy again. Isak had recovered from the
assault, a Hello Kitty band-aid sealed over it. His pappa had set up a blow-up
pool in their driveway to help beat the heat. It’s one of Isak’s favorite thing
about summer, especially due to the fact that Eva also tags along to join in.
His pappa has finished tugging on his bathing suit bottoms and placing the
goggles on the top of his head whenever the sound of bells is chirping. Isak
moves his body to have his back pressed against his pappa’s shoulder only to
find that the bikes have come to a halt and the angel of a boy is in the middle
of what appears to be his family. His pappa is quickly standing up, placing
Isak on his shoulders as he does so as he hears a chirping voice,
“Good afternoon, Mr. Valtersen!” A woman greets.
His pappa is walking down to the group of people before halting before
speaking,
“Well hello, Næsheim family. Is this the lovely family you told me about the
other way?” His pappa questions. Before Isak can protest, he’s being settled
onto the concrete and instead of standing in front of the strangers, he’ll
quickly move himself to hide behind his pappa’s legs to avoid the looks of the
family.
The woman is getting off the bike, parking it so she can reach around to place
her hands on her hips. “Is this little Isak? He is such a doll, I miss when
Even was this little.”
So, the little boy’s name is Even. It fits him, even if Isak has no idea what
it meant during his younger ages. Even seems to be trying to squeeze his gaze
between his father’s legs to examine him, so the only solution is to fit
himself to the front of his father, settling on his feet to lean back against
him.
“He’s our little one, that’s for sure. What is the family up to today?” His
pappa questions.
It’s not the woman who speaks next, but the older male who is probably Even’s
pappa as well, “We were thinking of having a barbeque if you’d like to join us?
We invited the Mohn’s and a couple of other families on the block later in the
afternoon. Besides, Even here needs some buddies, probably getting tired of his
sister.” It’s fond, not at all of a tease.
The blush that creeps on Even’s temples has Isak making a mental note to
himself to make him turn all red, just like the cherries that his mamma feeds
him after he’s injured himself on occasions.
“Dad – don’t be mean.” He pouts, and it earns a giggle from the adults.
“Yes, Terje! We’d love to have you there, especially your wife. I need some
girlfriends now that we’ve moved out of the city.” She states.
His pappa nods as he picks Isak up from his spot on his feet, settling Isak on
his hip (he’s still tiny for his age), “We will be there, can’t wait to see
you.” His pappa confirms.
It’s three hours into the barbeque that Even finally speaks to Isak. Isak had
been wishing on the first star that he saw that very night for Even to do so.
Since he’s secluded to the shallow end of the pool while the rest of the kids
have been swimming in circles towards the deep-end, Isak grumbles due to the
fact that because his parents only let him in the blow-up pool, he hasn’t
really had any learning experience. Sitting on the steps in his floaties, he’s
kicking at the water when Even plops onto the spot right next to him,
“Hi Isak.” Even greets, baring his pearly-whites that have Isak trying his best
not to blush. He’s pretty – so pretty.
It’s a minute after and a tilt of the head from Even whenever he realizes that
he hadn’t said anything back,
“Halla, Even. Why you not swim with big kids?” Sure, Even doesn’t seem to look
any older than Isak but it doesn’t make up for the fact that Isak is the
smallest person at the party – even his dogs are bigger than him!
“They’re not fun, I thought we could play.” Even offers, stepping down the
steps to settle on the pool floor, looking up at him.
Isak only nods, slowly scooting down to the third step that almost has him in
full before he crosses his arm off his chest. Isak doesn’t have to confess
anything about not being able to swim because Even is putting his palms out of
his Isak,
“It’s okay you can’t swim, I’ll teach!” Even proclaims, puffing out his chest
as he does so which earns a giggle from Isak.
They become best friends after that.
~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~
It’s two years later when Isak learned that he would be attending the same
primary school as Even. Since Isak was six, it meant that he’d finally be able
to attend school. His mamma told him that he’d probably be the top of his
grade, but Isak was not worried about his education. No, all Isak cared about
was he’d be able to see Even more often.
Tugging on his pull over sweater-vest, he’s pouting to his pappa, “What do you
mean I can’t play with Even at school?”
His pappa sighs, helping him to fluff up his outfit to help make him look
presentable. It’s his mamma who comes to kneel down and place her hand in his,
“It’s because they have separate playgrounds, baby. But, it’ll only be for a
little time, okay?”
“Besides, you can make even more friends at school! You have Eva, and you never
know, maybe you will lunch together with Even.” His pappa offers.
Being the grumpy kid that he was, he’ll let out a small whine before shaking
his head, “It won’t be the same.”
Sighing, his pappa and mamma take him into the arms, “This is what we get for
letting Even over so much.” His mamma teases which has them all giggling.
The next thing Isak remembers is standing outside of his class with his rocket
lunch box in his left hand and his power rangers backpack on his back as he
tries to pose for photos. His mamma is crying while is pappa cheers him on as
he poses which earns giggles from Isak, telling him how silly he was.
His teacher is soon calling in all of her year one students, and Isak realizes
that Eva doesn’t have the same class as him but he promises her that they’ll
play during recess. Isak plays with his lunch-box before his name is called and
his teacher points to where he will be sitting and once he’s seated, his desk
partner nudges his shoulder. His partner is a curly-haired boy whose hair is
covering most of his face almost making him look like Even’s poodle whenever
he’s wet from swimming in the pool and it has Isak worrying if the boy even has
a face because all he can see is his eyes.
“Did you sneak any toys?” The boys ask and Isak raises his brows, nodding
slowly, not saying a word.
“Oh good, me and you will be friends. I’m Jonas!” It sounds more like yo-nas,
due to the tiny lisp that he possesses.
And from there on out, Isak and Jonas are attached to the hip. Isak and Jonas
end up getting in trouble on multiple occasions during year one, mostly due to
the fact that Jonas would tell the people around him that they should overturn
the class to make it for them which earned him a red card. One time, Isak and
Jonas ‘accidentally’ let out the class bunny which led them to have their
parents being called. The amount of trouble the two got each other should’ve
had both of their parents trying to have them to end their friendship but
instead, they had multiple sleep-overs. Eva would play with them also whenever
she was not busy hanging out with two girls named Ingrid and Sara. Isak did not
care for Sara because she always tried to kiss on his cheeks and chase him
around the playing structure, and one time she shoved him because he told her
that he did not want to kiss her. It earned her two days inside for recess
which had been a victory for Isak.
Still, it wasn’t the same for Isak. He had longed to spend time with Even
during school and he’d often see him, but it was only during carpool and the
passing hour for the kids to eat lunch. Whenever Isak was leaving the
cafeteria, Even would be entering. The only perk of the short hellos had been
that Even would sneak him little drawings of them. Isak was grateful that he
learned how to read because most of them had been little comics, sometimes even
doodles of them playing on the same structure. It caused his tummy to flutter
like it did the majority of the time they were together.
It’s the Friday before winter break that Isak is over at Even’s house for a
sleepover. Although they were together a lot of the time, especially during
weekends and the times where they could play together in the others front yard
after completing their homework packets. They’re laying beside one another,
Isak’s head on Even’s shoulder as he watches Even play on his game-cube. Isak
is calm whenever he’s with Even, not grumpy nor rambunctious like he usually is
(especially around Jonas). Isak is absolutely exhausted, wanting nothing more
to close his eyes and sleep in the spot that he is in now but he doesn’t want
to waste a moment with Even being awake.
All of the sudden Even is shutting his game-cube and putting on his dresser.
Even tugs Isak closer to him, cuddling up to him the same way that he does so
to his puppy. Isak only gets cuddles from his pappa, mamma, and Even but it’s
no problem because they’re the only people who are allowed to hold him like a
tiny baby. Isak misreads the situation, because just as he’s opening his lips
to say goodnight, Even is speaking up,
“Some girl in my class tried to kiss me.” Even blurts out.
Oh. Isak is not happy hearing that because it causes his eyes to well up in
tears for a reason that he is unsure of. The younger one is once against
utterly confused about his feelings, not understanding how he’s managed to be
so attached to him. Should he be happy for Even? That a girl is liking him? He
knows he isn’t happy though. No, Isak feels a bit of anger towards his words,
the same feeling he gets whenever other kids manage to get green cards again
after being in a yellow spot.
“Did you want to?” Isak inquiries.
“No, heck no! She’s gross.” Even does a ‘blah’ nose to add to his usual
dramatic actions and it earns a giggle from Isak.
“Oh. Do you think a girl pretty?” Isak tries to sound mature, just like the
year three’s.
“No. I find you pretty.”
A blush cascades his temples and the only response Isak has is to bury his face
into Evens pajama shirt.
“Thank you.” Isak whispers and Even only giggles in response as he reaches over
to turn off his light.
“Good night, Isak.” Even whispers.
~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~
A year later, Isak is finally seven and Even is nine. Ever since Isak entered
year two, he’s been ecstatic over the fact that he was finally allowed to be on
the same playing structure as Even. It’s the third month into the school year,
and Isak is currently playing with Jonas. Jonas has brought his brand-new pair
of Heelys. Isak was jealous because he’d been begging his pappa to buy him a
pair for his birthday but it never came. His pappa told him that maybe Santa
would bring it to him for Christmas which led Isak to beg Santa in his
Christmas letter for a pair. But, Jonas had been his best friend and it meant
that he’d let Isak try them on to take a spin with them. It ended in Isak
falling face first in the charcoal painted cement. It was a pain that Isak
never felt before, and he feels something dripping down his forehead. He hears
a familiar voice calling for him, but the way his head feels almost feels as if
it’s distant.
“Isak! Oh, Isak!” It’s Even calling for him.
Isak wants to lift his head up to look at his best friend, well not his best
friend but he’s something that Isak cannot explain due to his shortened
vocabulary at his age along. He can’t do so because Isak knows that’ll it hurt.
Even plops down onto his knees and reaches his hand out for Isak, and Even
looks like he’s in tears. He hears a pair of feet running up to him also,
“Isak --!” Jonas gasps and he has no time to finish his sentence because Even
is ordering him to get one of the playground instructors.
Once the havoc is over and Isak is sat down on one of the beds in the nursing
office, Even is standing right beside his bed holding onto his head tightly.
Isak is surprised that the nurse even is letting him stay with him, especially
whenever he has studies to do. Once the nurse is gone to go report the incident
to the front office, Even speaks up,
“You look cool, all bloody, like the super heroes.” Even tells him. Isak knows
that Even is only saying to cheer him up, and Isak rolls his eyes in response.
“It hurts though. I don’t think I wanna be one.” Isak pouts, and it has Even
giggling.
“You’re right, you baby.” Even teases and Isak gasps, reaching over to poke at
his belly which has Even lets out a fake-moan of pain and it leads them to
erupt in laughter that echoes on the walls.
As soon as the laughter dies down, Even looks down to examine the other. Isak
often feels overwhelmed whenever Even pays any attention to him, especially due
to the mere fact that he’s just so pretty – and Isak isn’t used to it. Even is
the only pretty person that Isak has ever met, so far.
“I was scared.” Even wobbles out.
Isak’s heart nearly breaks at the sound; especially due to the fact that as
Isak tilts his head up slightly to look at him, tears are welling up in his
eyes. Pouting, the smaller one squeezes to the head.
“It’s okay, Evy. It’s just stitches.” Isak reassures, trying to be the more
confident of the two even though Isak is absolutely petrified of having to get
them.
“Still! Jonas didn’t even help you.” He scolds, anger cascading over his
features.
“It’s not his fault – he wanted to make me feel happy.”
“And you got hurt.”
Isak understands he has a point, but Isak had been indeed having plenty of fun
before the shoes got stuck on a rock. It was no one’s fault but Isak’s for off-
roading away from Jonas, reassuring him that he was doing great.
“You can’t be mean to Jonas, I wheeled away. Besides, if you don’t like him no
more, then we can’t go to his house and play on his Nintendo.” Isak reminds.
The two burst out into laughter at that, mostly because whenever Isak tried to
be sassy, it sounded rather dull. The opposite of the sound he was trying to
make. But it’s true, if Jonas and Even would become enemies – Isak wouldn’t
know what to do with himself. He already has enough drama from Jonas and Eva
with their countless teasing (his mamma tells him they must like each other!).
Before Even is able to respond, his mamma bursts through the door and
immediately reaches over to him.
~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~
It’s in year three whenever Isak discovers what it means to have a crush. Eva
had been sitting beside him on the swings whenever she confessed that she did
indeed have a crush on someone. Isak had to ask her what she meant, because
he’d heard the word being used around school but never knowing the exact
context.
“It’s like – you know how your pappa and mamma are married? And love each
other?” She asks. Once Isak nods, she’ll begin on her speech,
“Well it’s exactly that! Just, less on the love. It’s before you start loving
them, when your boyfriend and girlfriend with someone. Like Even’s sister is
with that one boy.”
Oh. The idea of boyfriend and girlfriend is something Isak knew about, because
Even always told him stories of how gross they had been in front of Even,
sometimes even kissing for a long time. Isak wondered if only boys and girls
were allowed to kiss. In church with his mamma and pappa, the pastor had often
preached to them about a disease called homo-something, something he was not
able to pronounce. It was whenever boys and boys would kiss which had was not a
good thing. His mamma had often nodded while his pappa shook his head.
One night after church whenever his mamma had stayed for the later service, his
pappa sat him down on his bed. Sitting in front of him on Isak’s tiny desk
chair, he places his hands on his kneecaps,
“What’s wrong Pappa?” Isak wondered.
“Nothing, my sweet boy. Pappa just wants to talk to you, okay? But it has to be
between you and me.”
Isak nods because he would never want to let down his pappa especially because
his pappa tells him a lot of things, like what he would get mamma for birthday
and a plethora of other things. His pappa picks him up and settles him on his
lap, moving Isak so he’s able to look at his pappa when he talks to him,
“I want you to know that Pappa loves you, no matter who you like. You can like
a boy if you want, okay? I will always love you, Isak.”
Isak doesn’t understand why his pappa tells him this, because pastor said in
church that it was bad and Isak is supposed to follow the rules of the bible.
Still, Isak knew that it didn’t sound right. Because Isak had a crush on Even
and pastor said it wasn’t okay – but his pappa is telling him it is. He’s so
confused, so all he does is nod is head and lean up to peck on his pappa’s
cheek,
“Love you, pappa.”
“How about we go get some ice cream, how does that sound?”
With a nod of the head, Isak is quickly being placed on his pappa’s shoulders
with loud giggles at they both begin singing the ice cream song.
The next morning, Even is over at his house bright and early because of the
carpool agreements. Isak loves mornings like this, because it means that they
have more time to play together. Yet today, something seems off with him. All
he’s doing is burning his gaze into Isak’s stitches, and it causes Isak to
reach up and cover it.
“Evy – don’t stare.” Isak grumbles, flicking a piece of his cereal at him which
has Even gasping in response,
“Don’t flick stuff at me.” Even scolds playfully, but instead of Isak
respecting his wishes, he does it again.
The next thing he remembers, they’re both covered in flakes of cereal and
they’re being wiped down both of his parents with scolds but they keep looking
at each other, trying to repress their giggles from their parents.
Once they get to school, Even’s hand is intertwined with his as they walk
through the courtyard. It’s like this most of the days, being hand-in-hand.
Isak is only eight while Even is ten, and even though Even is in year five, he
doesn’t seem to have gotten tired of Isak hanging off of his hand. The only
problem is that despite no one saying anything for as long as he could
remember, it’s a kid in year eight who speaks up to them.
He’s taller than both Even and Isak, even if Even is rather broad for his age.
The year eight boy is with two of his own friends who must be in year eight as
well, arms crossed over his chest as he puffs it out,
“Why are you holding hands?” The boy sneers, shaking his head in disgust.
Isak hasn’t ever heard someone speak like that before, so his only response is
to hide behind Even, grasping onto his hand. It’s Even who speaks up, puffing
out his chest to mirror the same dominance as the boy,
“Why do you care? Let us walk inside.” Even taunts.
The year eight boys only bark out laughter, shaking their head as if to make
them to feel stupid, to even think that they’d listen to Even. Even doesn’t
seem afraid, no, he looks rather upset over the situation but he doesn’t let go
of his hand at any point.
“Shut up, homo. Did you not know that holding hands with boys is gross?” One of
the other boys’ sneers, he’s the tallest of them all with jet-black hair. Isak
had found him pretty before (not as much as Even) but any past thoughts that
were positive have been drained with disgust. Why are these boys so mean? They
must be listening to pastor in church. If only his pappa was here, he’d tell
them –
“How about you shut up?” Even barks, letting go of Isak’s hand to shove at his
chest. They soon break out into a fight, hair being tugged on. Isak is trying
his best to break it up but one of the other boys of his posse has picked him
up and dragged him off from the fight. Isak is kicking at the others legs,
wanting desperately to go back to Even and help him. Once he’s sat on the
ground, he’s wriggling out of the embrace of the year eight boy and heading
towards the scene of the events.
When he gets there, he finds Even to have the upper hand of the fight even if
he’s indeed being picked up from the situation by one of the teachers. The
bully only ends up with a forming black-eye while Even is covered in brusies on
his face. And it’s all because he was trying to protect Isak.
Isak feels guilty, and the face that Even appoints him as his stomach churning
in discomfort. He doesn’t like knowing that if he would’ve just been a big boy
and didn’t want Even to hold his hand, then this wouldn’t have happened.
He doesn’t hold Even’s hand again.
 
***** too close yet so far away *****
Chapter Notes
     hi there peeps!! i decided to rise up from the ashes to write this.
     i'm seeing the tags dying down and it's making me super bummed out,
     so this is the product of my worries. hope you enjoy! tags are in the
     bottom notes.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
It’s his ninth birthday that Isak truly understands his feelings for Even. He’s
come to terms that his emotions aren’t a mere crush and that it would be a
phase in his childish days – no, it was the polar opposite. He liked Even and
the boy didn’t plan on changing it, but he knew he could never utter that to
anyone. No one. Since his decision to not hold Even’s hand after the assault
from two years ago, he vowed that in order to protect him; he must not be
affectionate to him in public in fear that Isak will have to watch as blood
spewed from Even’s nose ever again.
In the two years since it’s happened, things have gotten worse for Isak. His
mamma recently had her first ‘episode’, or so what his pappa called it, and it
had been traumatic. Luckily, it was out of town at his grandma’s house so their
neighbors would not have to watch it unveil itself – they wouldn’t witness
herself having to be carried out by the police after she attacked her sister.
It was last year, but it still seems like it was just yesterday and his pappa
has been more than understanding to her. Since then, it’s only happened twice
but she’s often sent away to a ‘good place’ that’ll help her feel better and it
makes Isak ecstatic because she often comes home feeling better. Still, he
longs for affection from her and it doesn’t quite feel the same in the
Valtersen family. Tonight is one of those nights that it’s just pappa and
himself, sitting down at the dinner table with kebab placed neatly in front of
them as the devour in quickly and they tell each other of the events in these
days, but it seems like something is missing.
“Pappa?” Isak inquires, curling his toes together in anticipation.
“Yes, Isak?” He wonders still focused on chewing.
Isak isn’t sure why he is inquiring, especially due to the mere fact that his
pappa has reassured him that Mamma is okay and that she is just ill but since
Isak could remember; he’s always been utterly curious of exactly what made her
sick. She wasn’t the typical sick, no, this kind made her lash out sometimes
and it often resulted in Isak hiding in the bushes in his backyard.
“What exactly is wrong with mamma?” The bloke blurts out.
That captures the attention of his elder. Instead of him pushing it away, his
pappa scoots his chair back and is then patting his lap for his son, “Come
here, Issy.”
Isak does as he’s told, wiggling down from his spot and hopping onto his
pappa’s lap for the security it provides him. Soon, arms are wrapping around
him and he’s feeling his frail body being wrapped up like a Christmas present,
his head finding his shoulder.
“Mamma – mamma is a different kind of sick. You know when you get sad because
of your head?” Isak nods, then his pappa gives him their shared smile before
continuing; “Well… she is like that. She’s sick in her head, which means he
gets very confused with what’s happening around her, or she imagines things
that aren’t exactly there like you do sometimes! It’s just that her imagination
isn’t the nicest of your mamma, but it doesn’t mean she is bad. She just needs
some help to make her feel better, so she can come home and love you all up.”
His pappa insists.
Isak nods as he takes in every bit of information, only understanding bits of
it but it’s enough for him to understand.
“Okay pappa, I love you.”
~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~
When school starts up again, Isak and Jonas have grown more tight-knit than
ever. Especially due to the fact that Eva has run off with new friends;
climbing up the pedestal of social status but it does not bother Isak or Jonas
since they’ve never had to rely on the presence of others to have a
spectacular. Besides, year four isn’t as important. They still aren’t the
upperclassmen in the eyes of others and still don’t have the burden of society
weighing upon them. Even is in year six, the ripe age of eleven but he’s
remarkable in looks as he’s grown – the only stunning difference is the fact
that he is indeed maturing and becoming older. As Isak and Jonas lean against
one another on one of the benches, his hues find Even. Even appears to be
speaking to some of his friends, although his eyes seem to be trying to
converse with Isak. A blush rushes up his veins to settle on his pale temples
before he’s quickly standing up and telling Jonas a lie about having to go to
the bathroom even if he’s only escaping to the stalls to calm himself. Isak has
found himself flustering around Even more than ever recently, and he’s
struggling to officially to understand why.
Once he’s finished calming himself which means he nearly tries to rub his face
to death to remove the cherry-red crimson from his features when he finds Even
leaning against the tiled walls and Isak wants to die. They’re best friends!
He’s so confused.
“Halla, Isak. What are you doing after school? I haven’t seen you… outside of
school. Did I do something wrong?”
Yes. You existed, is all that Isak thinks but he knows that’s only ninety
percent of the reason. The other ten is due to the fact that his home situation
was still recovering, and his pappa was beginning to prepare for his mamma to
come home later in the week to grant her sanctuary for the past month she has
been away. Pappa seemed excited to have her home, but he felt another emotion
radiating off of him that he wouldn’t understand until he was older. Still, the
Valtersen family had no time for outside forces and could only find the time to
focus on the important things like school, homework, and soccer for Isak while
pappa had work to attend to. It made Isak happy that he was able to spend
quality time with his pappa, but he knew it wasn’t the same without his mamma.
He also didn’t know if he could tell Even, not wanting to ‘spill the beans’
like his mamma used to tell him when it came to personal family matters.
“Uh – I think I do not have anything to do but it’s up to pappa –“
“Your pappa likes me! I’ll come find you at your house after school.”
And like that Even is gone before Isak can even finish. He’s setting himself up
for a situation that he isn’t prepared for and then he’s stomping out of the
bathroom to find Jonas and grabbing his arm to play some childish game for the
two of them.
The moment that Isak steps out of the car from his carpool with Eva who went on
and on about something that her friend Emma did, he finally escaped the chit-
chat. He liked Eva, but sometimes she could not stop talking. Then again, Isak
hadn’t been as social as Eva was and he wasn’t able to come to terms if that
was good or not. Oh well.
He’s tugging on the straps of his backpack before he makes his way into his
small home when he sees his pappa and Even talking about something and it’s a
typical Even move, sweet-talking his way with his parents to allow Even to
whisk Isak off all around just to play with him and they had no problem with
it. Most of the time, Isak wouldn’t have minded but he knew that Even wanted to
talk to him and not playing the dinosaur game that they played together often,
even if Even did not play it right! He always wanted to give the game some kind
of story when all Isak wanted to do was battle the dinosaurs. Isak is putting
down his backpack and greeting the two. Before he can properly say his farewell
to his pappa, Even is grabbing his hand and guiding him to his house which is
like de-ja-vu but it’s predictable.
Once the two find their way in Even’s backyard, he’s forced to sit directly
across from him. Isak doesn’t understand why he is so frustrated with Even,
especially when Even does absolutely nothing wrong but perhaps that’s why he is
so upset with him – and it confuses Isak to no end and he wishes he can tell
him what’s going on with him, but something is censoring him.
“Why have you not talked to me lately?” Even interrogates.
Maybe because Isak isn’t allowed to open up to Even at the moment although
they’ve vowed to tell each other everything, or that Even doesn’t understand
exactly the kind of like he feels towards for him, but Even is still his best
friend. No matter what happens, he will always be his number one pal.
“Just stuff – no biggie.” Isak tries to insist, but the roll of the eyes he
receives makes him let out a small chuckle.
“Don’t lie.” Even orders, pointing at him not in a stern way; but in a way,
that has Isak realizing that all he’s trying to do is make him comfortable.
Still, Isak knows that Even isn’t exactly pushing him, probably because in the
end, he’s going to ‘spill the beans’.
So, he does. He tells him the scenario of his mamma and that he’s grown busy
trying to prepare for her arrival and an infinity of things that he hasn’t been
able too. It’s nice because Even is so attentive and is making him feel
comfortable by telling him exactly what’s been occurring in his life. Before
they get up to go inside, Even speaks one more time,
“You know – your mamma will be okay. She’s the best.”
In return, Isak leans forward to give Even a peck on the cheek. He’s oblivious
to the familiar blush that rises on his cheeks, blaming it on the weather. It’s
summer in Oslo.
~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~
Later that year; his mamma has another episode. This time, it wasn’t as drastic
as it recently had been. No, it was as controlled that she wouldn’t have to go
to rehab but it was mostly due to the medication she was given to minimize the
effects. Still, Isak hadn’t been there for the beginning of it but Jonas’s
mother had been dropping him off and had him situated by her side. Whenever no
one answered the doorbell, it was when they were able to hear the commotion and
instead of investigating, Mrs. Vazquez decided to take him back to her house
where he would stay the night.
Fear had filled his veins, the mere fact that his mamma had scared him seemed
to be such an uneasy concept. His mamma never harmed him, but the concept that
maybe she could did not settle well with him. His pappa tried to ease his worry
ways, but it didn’t quite work as well. He still loved his mamma, and did not
show that fear since she was not always like that. Ninety-nine percent of the
time she had been the best, but it still had the underlying tones of outlash
that he would not be able to handle it. Isak wasn’t quite sure how the
medication helped her, but he knew that he was too young to understand it.
Only Jonas and Even knew of his current situation, and he was thanking the
heavens for them to be accepting of it. They hadn’t shown any sign of disgust
or embarrassment, instead, anytime that he’d shake his head if they had ever
tried to bring it up and he would respond with orders to not bring it up –
they’d wouldn’t push his comfortability boundaries at all but instead steered
the conversation into a different format.
He loved them.
~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~
It was two days after Isak turned ten years old and was to be in year four
soon. Year four had only meant that he was growing up at a fast pace; but his
teacher often had joked around with him that he should be bumped up due to his
skills alongside Jonas. The boys had been the smartest in their grade, and it
astonished many of the teachers that they didn’t want to engage in extra-
curricular actives revolving academics, but instead were scolded for skating
around the court-yard trying to do tricks and listening to Jonas being yelled
at by Eva for not wearing a helmet while Jonas scoffed, insisting that he
wouldn’t get hurt at all. 
Even had recently turned twelve, and it added onto the plethora of worries Isak
had because it meant that next year – Even would attend lower secondary school
which even had Isak writing a letter that would never be sent to government
officials to just have them be combined so that his friendship with Even would
stay intact and not become tainted by them attending different schools, c’mon,
they only just were allowed to play on the same playground structures together
again and Isak could not have that be bittersweet for the upcoming school year.
This summer was different. This summer, they vacationed in Reine. Isak, Even’s,
and Eva’s family had decided to rent out two separate summer houses for two
weeks, which Isak had no idea how his parents could afford it but it was to be
a present for Isak for his birthday. They even allowed Jonas to tag along which
had mended his nerves. Isak didn’t think he would be able to handle just Even
and Eva without an outlet. It wasn’t as if he didn’t want to spend time with
Even, but Eva would be tough to handle. And if Jonas came along, he’d probably
get Eva out of his hair to have Even and Isak to spend quality time together.
Jonas was to come in two days since he had a family reunion, so he had time
with Even.
The past few days, Even and him were tied at the hip. They went to the lake
together, played games, and even convinced their parents to sleep in tents
together.
While in the tent the day before Isak was to turn ten, Even had managed to take
Isak into his arms and cuddle up to him while insisting that someone else’s
body heat could help him warm up. Isak couldn’t protest; since science never
lied. They even got scolded by their parents because they had been excluding
Eva, so it turned into them having to include her but Isak liked Eva, but he
wasn’t so sure Even did. Anytime that Eva would cling onto Isak too much – Even
would make a comment about it with a bit of sarcasm hinted.
Isak and Even had managed to escape Eva and found themselves in their bathing
suit trunks and hoodies over their upper bodies, Isak clad in UIO one and Even
in some movie pattern which suited the both of them well. It’s sunset and the
two are pressed up closely to one another, pinkies intertwined securely. Isak
doesn’t think he can breathe – not in a bad way, but due to his excitement he’s
astonished by how attached the two have been over the period of their trip and
it’s only been three days. Still, they’re babbling on about something with the
universe.
“I just think that it’s just weird. How come they haven’t explored the moon
again? Think about it, Isak, did they really go there in the first place?” Even
questions, still staring up at the night sky.
Although Even does look very pretty under the moonlight – he gasps at his
response and turns to look up at him in astonishment.
“Uh – because they don’t need too! They know all they need to because they are
smart and have satellites, Even. Don’t be silly.” Isak reminds.
Instead of a response, Even only looks down at him with a look that he isn’t
able to name. He’s only ever received it from Even before so, it might as well
be his signature look. His stomach blossoms into millions of butterflies.
Even is the first to talk,
“Truth or dare?” Even questions.
Isak should be suspicious, since the only time people should really play the
game of ‘Truth or Dare’ with a large group of people, he’ll play along since he
trusts Even. More than he probably should, but he’s the only person who has
never let him down despite all the years and chances he has had time too. It
almost makes Isak think Even isn’t touchy with him in a friendly way, but in a
romantic way.
“Truth.” Isak responds, not wanting to play into one of Even’s silly tricks.
The sunset is catching his attention, astonished by how the earth is able to
display such a masterpiece.
Isak doesn’t think he hears Even right when he uncinated his next choice of
words,
“Would you kiss me?” The older boy askes, so easily that it makes Isak’s heart
leap out of his chest.
He wasn’t prepared for this moment. No, he’s not given off any sign that he
liked Even in more of then a friend way and the chances that it’ll ruin their
friendship by saying yes it was scares Isak. He doesn’t want to take the risk
of losing Even from a mere crush, but he knows well that he couldn’t even lie
to Even despite what happens.
“Why?” Is all the Isak is able to reiterate, and it has him trying to conceal
his emotions.
“Would you?” Even questions, leaning closer to Isak enough to take away his air
flow that helps Isak breathe but his throat is caught in his chest secure next
to his heart. Nothing has prepared him for this moment, not even watching a
romantic movie with Eva once before without her mamma’s permission.
All Isak can force his body to do is nod.
The next thing that happens is sparks. Isak hadn’t felt anything of the sort
before in his life. It’s everything he could’ve imagined, and Isak can almost
swear that the sky lights up the moment their petals touch one another. It’s a
peck that lasts almost a minute, or hours, but Even mostly moves their lips
together. Still, it’s the best feeling that Isak has felt. Even’s lips taste
like sweetness out of a candy bag, and Isak is so baffled he isn’t able to move
his lips back properly.
Although, the moment they pull back, Isak gets up and bolts. He’s running as
quickly as he can towards his cabin. There’s no explanation for his actions,
especially since his lips are already imprinted with Even’s and an unknown
feeling is comforting him more than any blanket could. He’s also very
embarrassed because he barely was kissing him back properly. Oh no, what is he
doing? Still, embarrassment and endearment is filling his veins and his body is
moving while his head is contemplating what the kiss meant while his emotions
are on cloud nine. It’s confusing, he wants to go back and try to convince Even
to kiss him back yet he’s fearful it was all just a silly joke and that it’ll
never happen again.
Mind racing soon turns into it catching up to his motor skills, too focused on
his mind and it leads to him falling face forward onto the dirt pavement.
Instead of feeling pain, he simply turns onto his back. Adrenaline hasn’t quite
caught up to his painful nerves yet. Laying down on the dirt pavement, he knows
his bottom lip is busted due to blood gushing out of it. He knows that he can’t
stay here, but all he can do is to have his mind wander to the exchange of lips
moments before and it’s filled his heart more then he can explain. He likes
Even so much that it nearly scares him – he’d spend the rest of his time with
Even. It also scares him, because one day Even could not like Isak.
It’s almost as if Even has a chip on Isak, because he’s quickly rushing to his
aid. Kneeling down on his knees, he’s yelling at Isak immediately,
“What the hell is your problem?!” Even yells at him, fingertips gliding around
his facial features to examine him.
“Truth or dare?” Isak interrupts him, gazing up at him with puppy dog eyes
that’ll have Even forgive him.
“Isak – not right now. Are you okay? I was –“
Groaning, Isak asks once again, “Truth or dare?”
Moments later, and Even suddenly realizes what Isak is trying to do so he plays
along, finally.
“Truth.” Even responds, cautious of his choice.
Wiggling in his embrace, he’ll form a tiny grin that’s made special just for
Even.
“Do you like me in a I-want-to-be-more-then-friends-way? Or just a friendly
way?” Isak interrogates because he needs to know. Needs to know that he’s not
getting his hopes up in fear that moments like these will never happen again.
The giggle the spews out of Even’s mouth has his stomach fluttering again along
with the response,
“Of course, I do. You’re just too dumb to realize it.” Even teases, and Isak
gasps.
Before he can respond, Even is pulling himself up while pulling Isak up as
well. Once Isak is settled firmly on the earth while being wiped down by Even,
Even turns around and pats his back,
“Hop on. Let’s go home, Issy.”
Isak happily obliges, hopping onto his back and tangling himself against his
frame while leaning his head on shoulder, pressing a peck to his cheek.
~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~
As the tides change along with the sunsets array of colors, it almost seems
that nothing will ever change. His life is in such a peak for Isak, especially
due to the fact that it’s given him a sense of normality. No one in his family
knows nor his friends know about Even and himself though, but Isak doesn’t even
know exactly. All they do is peck and go back along to what the usually did
before, but they’re too young to even think of it to be anything more. He’s
only ten, and Even technically has cooties still. Even seems to be more open
about it, but now that Jonas had finally settled in the town, Isak has had to
juggle his time with the two. Luckily enough, Even and Jonas get along so he’s
able to manage time between the two. It makes him happy, that he doesn’t have
to worry about any conflicts between the others. Sometimes, it’s like they have
a problem with Isak.
“What do you mean you didn’t like Harry Potter?” Jonas and Even question in
sync.
It’s true, Isak did not like Harry Potter. The concept behind it sounded
ridiculous and unrealistic in the eyes of Isak.
“I said it, and I will say it again, It’s no good.” Isak reminds, shrugging.
“Isak – you don’t even try to watch it! All you watch is treasure planet and
the land before time movies.” Jonas reminds, as if it’s supposed to be an
insult.
“Don’t be mad I watch good movies and you don’t.” Isak scolds.
Even can only giggle at their bickering,
“He does have a point. Treasure Planet is the best.” Even agrees, and it has
Isak blushing to himself.
As much as Jonas is attentive; he’s quite oblivious to Isak’s obvious crush.
“Ugh – I give up on you two. I’m going to go play with Eva.”
Clicking on his helmet, he skates off to find Eva. The moment that he’s out of
his sight is whenever Even speaks up again, putting his pinky-finger out for
Isak to take,
“C’mon. I wanna show you something.”
And Isak doesn’t protest because he certainly knows that Even wouldn’t trick
him. Even though the two are hooked by their pinky fingers, Isak can’t quite
bring himself to hold his hand again in fear that people will react the same
way a few years ago, not wanting to see Even in any kind of pain – not able to
get rid of the image of him bleeding due to Isak. It still surprises Isak, how
Even seems to have forgotten all about it and Isak can’t bring himself to
mention it again.
The air is growing thin and cold in preparation for the night, so it leads to
Even tugging Isak closer to him as Isak tries to keep up with the long legs.
“Where am I being kidnapped too?” Isak teases, and Even rolls his eyes,
“It won’t be a surprise if I tell you, Issy. Get with the program.” Even teases
back in the same manner, resulting in Isak flicking Even in protest that turns
into a bit of playful fight, ending in Even tickling Isak on his back into the
sand, shaking his head in fondness
“Fine, fine! You win.” Isak groans, pushing the older boy off of him.
Once they recover, Isak is lead to a part of the lake that he’s never seen
before and it has him astonished. It’s in the back of lake, but the environment
is far earthlier then the other parts of the lake mostly due to the fact that
no human impact seems to have made its way to this part. Little ducks are
perched at the edge of the lake with their mother guarding them and other
creatures.
“It’s so beautiful.” Even comments and Isak agrees, but Even is father more of
that context. It still confuses Isak, that he isn’t able to say it out loud.
He’s still so young – and Even probably notices that. He doesn’t quite know
what this means for them, especially due to the mere fact that the summer for
them will be over in three days and Even is off on a trip to the Americas for
the rest of the summer which usually means they will lose contact. It’ll help
him prepare for next year when they are separated.
“You are too.” Isak blurts and Even can only smile in response before pressing
a peck to his temples.
“You know, I really do like you, right?” Even questions, as if it’s not obvious
to Isak.
“I do – but I feel like I don’t show you that I like you as much as I do.” Isak
shrugs in response, wanting to have an excuse for why that it is but he isn’t
able to come up with a solid reason for his actions as he should.
Even interrupts his train of thought,
“I know you do.”
And that’s that. They trade a quick peck which could still be defined as
awkward, especially due to the fact Isak is utterly confused by the mere
affection that isn’t in a platonic way. Still, Even appears to understand Isak
on such a personal level that Isak doesn’t need to speak to show his emotions
for Even.
They babble on about the universe and movies for what seems like hours before
they have to return home to the safety of their cabins.
~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~
It’s their last day in Reine, and it results in many hugs being exchanged
within the group. Eva and Jonas are arguing about something of nonsense while
the parents are packing up the cars and Even is nowhere to be found. It doesn’t
worry Isak too much since Even is probably still asleep.
Isak’s pappa pulls him into his arms and runs his fingers through his locks,
“Did you have fun?”
“Yes, so much fun, pappa.” Isak responds, hugging his arms around him as
properly as possible.
Isak is thankful for his pappa, and his mamma seems to tag into their public
display of affection because she’s coming to wrap her arms around the duo,
“What is this family moment? Without me?” She scolds playfully, but it erupts
into laughter amongst the three.
It seems like minutes before they’re taken out of the small bubble between them
when Even makes his way out of his cabin.
Even seems to completely ignore Isak whenever he waves to him, and moves around
them to get into his families’ car. It startles Isak, since Even isn’t like
this. No, he’s extremely friendly. It seems to catch his parent’s attention as
well because his mamma pulls away from them to go over to Even’s parents.
As he watches his mamma engage in conversation, Eva and Jonas come up to him
and his pappa,
“I convinced Eva to ride back with us so we can show her, aka beat her, in some
Nintendo games.” Jonas confesses, and the face that Eva makes is of pure
annoyance towards Jonas.
“It seems that he forgot I will probably beat him and he’ll make excuses for
why he lost.”
Isak rolls his eyes in response, and nods. All his mind seems to do is to
wander towards Even and what exactly is going on with him,
“Sounds fun.” He replies.
And with that, they’re ordered to pile up in their respected cars to drive home
to Oslo. He’s stuck in the middle of Jonas and Eva, and it seems that they
realize that something is on his mind because they grab his attention by
sliding in his favorite game which happened to be ‘Super Mario Bro’s’ for the
Nintendo and hand over Eva’s Nintendo to him to play on. They cheer him on in
hopes that he’ll finally defeat the final level. It still bothers him that Even
isn’t here to see this. An hour into their car ride, they pull up to get food
at a local restaurant then head out once again. Instead of talking amongst
themselves, they all lean against one another to fall asleep.
When they wake up, they’re pulled up in Isak’s drive way and they scurry out of
the vehicle to begin unpacking and say their goodbyes.
An hour later, Even’s family pulls up to their respective driveway and Isak
quickly runs over to greet the family. It’s whenever Even makes his way out of
the car is when tension fills the air between them. Hands tucked away in his
pockets, he looks down upon Isak.
“Do you wanna play?” Isak questions.
It’s the next set of words that truly strikes a hole in his heart,
“I think we shouldn’t like each other anymore.” Even says, and then he walks
off into his house.
Chapter End Notes
     tw: injuries, underage kissing, mentions of mental illness,
     internalized homophobia.
End Notes
     Comments and words of advice always help me. Hope you guys enjoy
     this, because i'm so nervous to continue omg.
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