Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/12206811.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      EXO_(Band)
  Relationship:
      Byun_Baekhyun/Do_Kyungsoo_|_D.O
  Character:
      Byun_Baekhyun, Do_Kyungsoo_|_D.O
  Additional Tags:
      PWP, Porn, cucumber, sorry_-_Freeform, vegetable-shaped_dildo, bye, Plot
      What_Plot/Porn_Without_Plot, Crack, sekai_if_you_squint, Masturbation,
      Dick_Pics, Anal_Sex, i_hope_cucumbers_arent_a_trigger_to_anyone_for_real
      though
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-09-28 Words: 1615
****** hate it (love it) ******
by sauer_(Showert_ime)
Summary
     Kyungsoo gifts Baekhyun a new sex toy.
Notes
     this is basically a crack pwp
     actually a couple months ago i owned soohua a drabble and she picked
     the words "baekhyun" and "cucumber"
     and felentae (who you will also find here on ao3!) literally gave me
     the idea as to WHAT TO DO with a cucumber...
     bye (more like: uh i'm tired and somehow i decided to post this)
Baekhyun looks down at the present that was just dropped in his hands and
frowns excessively, squinting as if to get a better look at it.
It's a rectangular box, its wrapping simple and elegant; the dark green paper
has a smooth metallic finish, and a thin thread of burgundy silk holds
everything together. All in all it's neutral enough not to catch just about
everyone's attention, but the covering material is so fine that it feels almost
pretentious to hold it. 
The width of the gift fits his palm, although it obviously contains a lengthy
object. Now, the question is, what object?
He lifts his gaze to meet Kyungsoo's calm eyes, an eyebrow raised in a strong
display of mistrust.
His childhood friend (read: fuckfriend) is standing in front of him with an
unreadable expression on his pretty face, a hand casually resting in the right
pocket of his pants. All of his weight is on one leg and he gives off such a
casual vibe that something has to be wrong about that gift.
Knowing Kyungsoo, Baekhyun's most definitely on the verge of becoming the lone
casualty of a well-planned but terrible vengeance. If he reflects back on the
past week, he might deserve shit for his wandering hands during work hours, but
it doesn't mean he now feels eager at the idea of unwrapping the mystery item.
"Are you not going to take a look at it?"
He nods, irritation slipping in his muttered "yeah". Kyungsoo's own voice is
smug whereas his posture gives nothing away, and it causes Baekhyun to vibrate
with uneasy anticipation as he starts pulling at one end of the thread. It
comes undone easily, soft and pliant under his fingertips; and beneath the
first layer is a deep black box that he can open by just pulling on its cover.
He's not sure he wants to. He looks around, making sure no one's peering down
into his work cubicle and surely enough, no one is; and yet, he doesn't dare to
go further.
Kyungsoo's lips press together before they part with a popping noise and he
reaches out to squeeze Baekhyun's shoulder, clearly amused. "Open it once you
get home. I need to go. Text me."
 
Baekhyun had wanted to get rid of the gift straight away - he swears he could
feel the evil emanating from it - but he knew, had always known from the start
that if he did so, Kyungsoo's wrath would only be fuelled further.
For that reason, he's now sitting on his bed, downright glaring at the partly
unmade present resting on the comforter.
He's well aware that he's probably making it all worse for himself by pushing
back its opening, especially considering it's just a gift, but he can't help
it.
As if on cue, his cellphone buzzes pressingly against his thigh and he takes it
out of his pocket. As soon as the screen is turned on, he sees a new text.
Big Dick
Open it.
He sighs dramatically, his chest deflating. Right. Of course Kyungsoo would
know that even by now, hours after the end of their shift at the office, he
wouldn't have opened it.
In a moment of exasperation, he grabs the container with one hand and pulls at
its lid with the other, hearing the faint brush of cardboard gliding against
the textile.
What is revealed leaves him breathless in all the right and wrong ways at once.
It's an object he's familiar with; not this object per se but other models he
has bought over the years and use on a regular basis, alone or with Kyungsoo.
Because, yeah, it's a fucking dildo.
The insulting twist about this particular dildo, though, is that it resembles
nothing so much as a cucumber.
A. Cucumber.
Baekhyun detests that green vegetable with a burning passion and nothing,
nothing will change his mind about it.
The smell is always unbearable to his nostrils, faint yet somehow impossible to
ignore, and it always leaves an incredibly overbearing aftertaste on his tongue
each time he so much as tries to take a bite of it.
He doesn't care to know about its (lack of) nutritive value; he hates them and
this huge cucumber-dildo won't change a damn thing about it. What the fuck.
It’s plain insulting.
The more he analyzes it in his hand, though, the more he can see just how much
it looks like the real thing. For one, it's long and the exact shade of rich
green it should be; it's also covered in small, raised bumps that mimic the
rough skin of the vegetable; and it even vaguely exudes a scent of fresh,
chemical cucumber.
He just can't believe it.
Why would anyone create such a sex toy?
Why would anyone create this? It’s a monstrosity.
The only good thing about it is that its texture, albeit appearing real to the
eye, is polished and soft, promising an easy insertion, unlike the English
cucumbers Kyungsoo has from time to time in the lowest drawer of his fridge -
the one exclusively reserved for fresh vegetables.
In spite of his indignation toward Kyungsoo's offering, he puts it back in its
original box and hides it away in one of his nightstand drawers.
Then, he proceeds to take a picture of his trash can and sends it via text to
Kyungsoo.
Because he doesn't want anything more to do with his friend right now (read
again: fuckfriend), he leaves his phone on the bed and disappears into his
bathroom in the hope that a scalding hot shower will relax him.
(Yeah, right.)
 
Sadly for Baekhyun, the shower just doesn’t do it.
Before he’s truly aware of what he’s doing, he comes back to his bed, reaches
for the new toy where he hid it away earlier, and decides to try it out.  
Just to see what it feels like, alright?   
(Yes, yes, he cleans it before and makes sure to use a whole lot of lube,
because even shower preparation isn’t always enough.)
And while he fucks himself on it and realizes just how great and long of a toy
it is, he receives a series of texts.
A weird noise comes out of his mouth, a mix of a grunt and a whine, and
although he’d look utterly stupid to anyone watching him, he grabs his phone
with one hand and continues to press the dildo in and out of himself with the
other.
He’s on his knees, his legs spread well; and they only part further once the
pictures Kyungsoo just sent him download fully on his phone.
The first one is a close-up of his childhood friend’s luscious pair of lips,
parted, swollen and glistening with spit – or is it lube?
The second one is simply Kyungsoo’s hand, wrapped around his fully erected
member, the tip wet and the veins raised.
The third and last one makes him frown at first for his vision has gone blurry
with pleasure because of the two preceding pictures; but when it clears up and
he sees Kyungsoo’s hole clenched tight around what appears to be a vibrator.
He has that fleeting thought that he hasn’t seen this one yet, and maybe, just
maybe Kyungsoo bought it at the same time as his, well, cucumber-like dildo.
Fucker.
He lays his cellphone on the bed in front of him, his face against the
comforter as he keeps moving the toy inside of him and jerks himself off
furiously at the same time. It’s a good thing everything’s sleek with lube; it
eases the slide in and out and it prevents him from actually chafing his cock.
He doesn’t need any more pain in his life.
Said cock twitches suddenly in a way that makes him rut with need against the
bedsheets under him and he moans, wishing so badly that Kyungsoo was here with
him, taking care of him.
He glances up at his phone, the screen still on and opened on the texting
application, noticing that Kyungsoo texted him once more.
Big Dick
See how much you’re making me wet?
Be a good boy and enjoy your gift
His movements become frantic, uncoordinated, and he gasps as the pressure
against his prostate becomes just right and his fist clenches around himself.
He comes, frustrated but oh so easily affected by Kyungsoo’s words, drawing out
his orgasm for as long as possible before he slumps down on the bed, his entire
body trembling because of the exertion that washes over him.
Kyungsoo pisses him off way too often, but he’s also, ironically enough, the
one that causes Baekhyun’s heart to thump wildly against his ribcage each time
he so much as smiles.
 
Next morning, Baekhyun feels shame.
He technically doesn’t feel bad about enjoying himself last night but he’s
pretty bothered by the fact that he actually used Kyungsoo’s gift, the cucumber
dildo, and loved it.
And if Kyungsoo’s knowing smirk is any indication when he comes by to take his
report, he, too, knows everything.
His neck is damp and his cheeks are on fire all morning long; and he can only
hit his head against his desk when he catches Sehun passing by his cubicle
while munching on a whole cucumber, nonchalant and unaware of Jongin’s
insistent look at his lips and the vegetable as they walk side by side. Why
can’t idiot number one cut his vegetables like everyone else and why can’t
idiot number two ask him out already?
He thinks he can hear Kyungsoo laugh from behind his own cubicle screen and he
settles on trying to ignore it altogether, grumbling under his breath about
assholes and cucumbers. 
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