Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/ works/1501904. Rating: Explicit Archive Warning: Underage Category: F/M Fandom: Homestuck Relationship: Sollux_Captor/Roxy_Lalonde Character: Roxy_Lalonde, Sollux_Captor, Karkat_Vantas, Jane_Crocker Additional Tags: Alternate_Universe_-_Human/Troll_Society, Alternate_Universe_-_No_Sburb/ Sgrub_Sessions, Online_Friendship, Awkward_Flirting, Quadrant_Confusion, Underage_Drinking, Xeno, Secret_Identity_Fail, Humor, Interspecies Awkwardness, Mostly_Pesterlogs, Masturbation, Awful_Romcom, Naughty_File Sharing, Psionic_kink Collections: Homestuck_Rarepair_Swap_2014 Stats: Published: 2014-04-23 Words: 6074 ****** ==> Be the annoying coworker. ****** by deadcellredux Summary TG: yo this new guy at work is hardcore annoyin TA: ii feel you. iim traiiniing a total moron. In which Sollux and Roxy fail to recognize the glaringly obvious. Notes In this AU, Sburb is just a regular MMORPG with no effect on the real world. Also, the server name Sollux chooses in the opening section of the fic is a reference to the movie The Wicker Man and this_meme. Oh dear... I hope you like this! o__o;;;; See the end of the work for more notes SBURB is loading. . . twinArmageddons has started new server Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT THE BEE2! twinArmageddons has added tipsyGnostalgic to Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT THE BEE2! TG: yoooooooooooooooooo TG: sweet name lol TA: thank2. twinArmageddons has added carcinoGeneticist to Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT THE BEE2! twinArmageddons has added gutsyGumshoe to Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT THE BEE2! TG: janeeyyy CG: CAN WE HAVE A SERVER NAME WITH DIGNITY FOR ONCE? THIS IS EXACTLY WHY NO ONE EVER JOINS US. gutsyGumshoe is idle TA: kk iit 2eem2 you have a problem wiith my choiice of 2erver name. CG: YES. YES I DO. TG: oh man karkat u got a prob with errrthng TG: *errthinj TG: *u kno lol CG: OH, LOVELY. AN INTOXICATED CO-CAPTAIN. WHAT A SURPRISE! I WONDER WHAT SHITWINDED JOURNEY SHE’LL LEAD US ON TONIGHT. I CERTAINLY DO HOPE IT’S JUST AS FUCKING ENJOYABLE AS OUR UNNECESSARY DETOUR INTO PROCURING GLITTERY PANTS FOR HER SHITTY MARY-SUE AVATAR LAST NIGHT. TG: hey those pantz were limited edition u hear TG: that was sum nice shit TG: look at my sexy avatar wearin em TG: look how they cradle TEH DONK TG: *THE TG: that sure is a fine pixellated ass if i ever did see one TA: okay. TA: let2 fiigure out our game plan for thii2 2e22iion. CG: AH. THE FIRST GOOD IDEA OF THE EVENING. LET’S. TA: 2hiit iis the 2server name really that awful. TA: ii thought iit was funny but now ii am haviing 2econd thought2 ii’m que2stiioniing my 2en2e of humor. TA: fuck 2hould ii ju2t delete iit guy2 why am ii 2o 2tuipiid kk ii2 riight nobody iis gonna joiin us. TG: yo you need 2 chillax TG: u like that 2 i put there TG: we gotta stick 2gether cuz we dont have janey rn TA: wow thii2 ii2 an epiic faiil. TG: i thikn the name TG: is fine TG: like more than fine TG: relax TG: we r gonna go out there and pulverize this quest like a sad walnut between the thighs of chyna CG: THAT’S DISGUSTING. TA: no 2eriiously tho ii need two know iif you guy2 have a problem wiith the 2erver name. TG: sigh CG: OH MY GOD JUST GET THE FUCK OVER IT. IT’S FINE, LET’S PLAY, YOU’RE WASTING MY TIME. TA: oh 2uddenly thiis 2hiit2taiin has valuable tiime. TA: a2 iif he2 not ju2t 2ome lo2ser iin hi2 lu2u2 ba2ement driinkiing mountaiin dew and lackiing any 2emblance of a 2ociial liife ever. CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MOUNTAIN DEW? I FIND IT TO BE A FINE BEVERAGE OF RATHER ADMIRABLE QUALITY. THE CAFFEINE CONTENT IS IDEAL FOR A SOFT DRINK OF ITS NATURE. TG: omfg guys like can u stop arguin bout soda TG: and let’s play maybe twinArmageddons punted carcinoGeneticist from server Land of NOT THE BEE2 and ...NOT THE BEE2! TG: well ok that’s one way to do it TA: okay, tiime two focu2, everyone. gutsyGumshoe is no longer idle GG: Sorry about that. I’ve a cake in the oven, and I seemed to have realized a tad late in the game that it’s getting rather crisp. :P twinArmageddons has sent a private message to tipsyGnostalgic TA: ok iit2 tiime two 2pearhead thii2 miissiion. TA: becau2e thii2 ii2 a dii2a2ter twonight 2o far and our team i2 full of reject2. TA: no offen2e two your friiend gg but all offen2e to kk, iim not 2orry. TA: well iim a liittle 2orry, but whatever. TA: al2o are you actually drunk. TG: um TG: just like a lil TG: u kno how my mom leaves out the boozahol TG: and i kinda just find it TG: tricky lil treasure hunter i am TA: ok. TG: uh IS that ok TA: yeah hone2tly ii thiink you play better when you are under the iinfluence. TA: 2hiit that ii2 an awful thiing two 2say iim 2orry. TG: no harm no foul broski TG: i got the mad skillz TG: the leetness with my mad hax TG: seriously tho dont worry lets just get this show on the road TA: ii feel liike ii up2et you. TG: nope TA: um. TG: NOPE X INFINTIE TG: *infinity TG: listen u TA: okay, okay. TA: al2o are you 2ure the 2erver name iisnt dumb. TA: ii thought kk would liike iit becau2e it2 from a 2hiitty moviie and all and ii know how he love2 tho2e 2o. TA: but then ii punted hiim and now ii dont know iif he wiill forgiive me. TA: iim an a22hole. TG: um yeah TG: i mean yeah its not dumb TG: but no to bein an unforgivable buttmunch TG: karkat can deal u kno TG: but lets not b too debbie downer now TG: ur killin my buss TG: *buzz TG: i need that buzz TG: to do great things TG: and stuff TA: who ii2 debbiie. TG: ooohh bot TG: *boy TG: thats just a human turn of phrase hoke thing TG: *joke TA: oh okay. TA: ok by the way youre really 2weet you know. TG: pssh of course i fuckin kno TG: im sweet like cotton candy TA: eheheh. TG: we r the best team TG: like hands down TG: this has been established over and over again TG: established……. TG: TWOFOLD TG: u like that lol TA: yeah. TG: u sure TA: YE2. TG: whoa nelly TA: anyway. TA: tiime to do thii2. TG: roger capn TG: also later TG: u wanna chat TA: ye2. TG: ok lol TA: 2top wiith the loliing, youre cheapeniing iit. TG: sry TG: i just get a lil nervous TA: ii know. TA: me two. TG: virtual interspecies tonsil hockey showdown TA: what2 a ton2iil. TG: hahah nevermind TG: ok let’s take out some imps or rather you take em out TG: ill watch cuz yr sweet skillz turn me on whoo twinArmageddons has closed private chat with tipsyGnostalgic + + + + + Your name is Roxy Lalonde, and your hangover is monstrous. When your alarm wakes you for work at 7:30 am, you immediately begin to ponder your life and your choices. Why did you dump an undetermined amount of vodka into the MegaGulp of Diet Coke you picked up on your way home? Why did you choose to join Twin’s server so late at night, when you knew you’d have to be up this early for work? Why does it take so long to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? So many questions. So few answers. You stumble out of bed and into the shower. You know your mother’s already left for work, and though your current stint at Tekserve is just a temporary summer job, you still have a desire to make her proud. So you know that above all else, you need to get your ass to work. Then you need to kick some ass. Kicking your own ass might be a good idea, too. You check your phone when you get out of the shower, after you’ve (laboriously, due to your headache) done your hair and makeup. TA: good morniing. You’re not entirely surprised, but still delighted, to find the message from Twin, and you proceed to text while getting dressed. TG: sup TA: not much. TA: ii know you 2aiid iit wa2 gonna be a tough day for you twoday. TA: 2o ii ju2t wanted two say good luck. TG: thx bb TG: u 2 TG: arent u trainin or some shit TG: dealin with chucklefucks who dont kno how to do shit TA: ehehe yeah that2 kiinda every day though. TA: the chucklefuck2 are 2trong and ever-pre2sent liike all the 2tar2 iin the galaxy combiined iinto one biig faiil of a 2upernova. TA: but yeah ii ju2t got a tran2fer 2o iil probably be workiing wiith newbiie2 on thii2 code mappiing tech. TG: aw sweet i think we r gonna be learnin that shit soon too TG: today actually i think TG: ugh man i am so hungover TA: iim 2orry. TG: sall good TA: youll do fiine. TG: so will u! but i gotta run to the bus so TG: ill ttylz TA: ok. + + + + + By ten a.m., you’ve decided that there are very, very few things you are willing to deal with today. Sollux Captor, your newly-transferred training lead, is fucking certainly not one of them. The four Advils you’ve popped do nothing for the headache you’ve now decided to attribute entirely to the existence of this lisping, nerdy douchebag troll kid. It’s all him, for sure. This has nothing to do with the quarter-bottle of vodka you’ll never see again, nor does it have anything to do with the fact that your brain is almost literally plugged into the fried GrubBook Air in front of you. “That’s not how that process works,” Sollux lisps at you. You want to strangle him, becuase you know he’s rolling his eyes behind those shitty hipster shades of his. “Is your thinkpan defective? I told you two times. Don’t make me tell you two more.” The headache is entirely him, for sure. “Um, yeah you don’t have to tell me anything at all ever,” you say distractedly as you poke your thoughts around into the neatly organized code database scrolling across the tiny screens directly in front of your eyes. The neural receptors stuck to your temples sure do make it a hell of a lot easier to insert code directly where you want it; with this new technology, you can access the most remote and intricate of programs in whatever system you’re plugged into. It’s pretty fascinating, and you could potentially lose yourself in it, even with the lingering headache hindering the clarity of your thoughts. Not, however, with Sollux nagging at you. “This is the worst attempt to emulate psionic power I’ve ever seen,” he sighs, and shakes his head. “Humans shouldn’t deal with this. I don’t even know why this technology is a thing right now.” You bite your tongue so as not to respond, and focus on your work. You’ll fix this bug if it kills you. You’ve never felt so attached to a GrubBook Air in your entire life. You focus hard on manipulating codes, let your brain twist numbers and formulas, and let the pounding of your head get carried away in the rhythm of zeros and ones and endless lines of data. You grudgingly consider his words, however. In a huge city like New York, human and troll culture had experienced much more of a meld than most other places across the USA. Your two species had been living together on Earth for as long as you could remember, but psionic power was the Newest Next Big Thing in terms of shared technology. You knew that several other shops across the city had begun to beta the neurotransmitter-connected technologies-- developed by actual psionics like Sollux-- and considering how interesting it all was, you almost kind of wished that this (unfortunately gifted) asshole wasn’t the one training you on it. If you could even call it training. You fix the bug, and Sollux barely offers more than a dismissive nod as you tear off the headpiece and storm away. Sure, it took you several false starts and tangled bits of codes to get it right, but all was corrected in the end, and you figure that this was a pretty damn successful first attempt considering you’re hungover as shit and Mr. CRAPtor here is the ultimate douchelord of the universe. You slam the door to the restroom shut behind you, and then type out a text to Jane. Angrily. TG: like who the fuck even is this guy i dont even TG: fuckin asshole with a stick up his ass TG: tryna tell me i dont kno my shit TG: like bitch plz im onea the best techs up in this place dont even TG: before the day is done u gonna bow to ro-lal TG: JANEY WHAR R U I NEED U GG: I’m here! GG: I was just letting you speak. It seemed as if you needed to get out a bit of aggression. TG: ya damn rite GG: Tekserve seems to be stressing the heavens out of you more often than not lately! Are you sure you don’t want to work here with me? I could give you quite the sparkling referral. You’d be guaranteed a position, I think. TG: aw janey u r the sweetest butt TG: *but TG: ok u got a sweet butt too but like TG: i dunno if a bakery is the right place for me TG: you know i like my codez and shit TG: plus im not about to be one-upped by some dude TG: plus i dunno if i could wake up at 5 am every day just to sift flour or w/e GG: Understood. Just trying to help, you know! TG: ya i kno TG: ur the best but i gotta run GG: How are you texting me, anyway? I thought your job had a strict no-cell phones policy. TG: um yeah it does TG: im sittin on the toilet lol TG: hidin that shit TG: IN THE SHITTER GG: Well. Okay then. TG: aw come on that shoulda gotten a lol TA: hey tiip2y. TA: how2 iit goiing. TG: AWWWFULLLLLL TA: oh? TG: yo this new guy at work is hardcore annoyin TA: ii feel you. iim traiiniing a total moron. TG: oh yeah? TA: hell2 yeah. TG: man i hate this dude rn TG: hes so full of himself TA: yeah thii2 human is makiing me hella fru2trated. TG: oh man a human TG: well TG: this guys a troll TG: no hard feelin between us I HOPES lulz TA: of cour2e not. TA: how about we ju2t get through the day and we talk onliine later. TG: hell yeah we r gonna have a rantfest TA: for 2ure. TG: hugz TA: hug2. TG: ok but THE KICKER TG: r u ready 4 THE FICKER TG: *kicker GG: Yes, I suppose I am. TG: hes hot TG: like TG: “oh no hes hot” TG: has never been truer GG: Do tell. TG: well hes a troll TG: hes like hella nerdy and has a lisp TG: and like cute little fangs and double horns TG: theyre all smooth and pointy and shit i just wanna touch em TG: even though hes a fuckin shithead TG: its just awful of me rite TG: like he was makin me so mad but also kinda HOT N BOTHERED ya dig GG: You’re insufferable! I just hope you’re thinking straight right now. The guy seems to be annoying you quite a bit; I wouldn’t go throwing yourself at him all willy-nilly! GG: I mean, if that’s what you were looking to do. With the flirting. GG: Plus, you should really check yourself on whether or not the attraction is a problematic fetishization. GG: You don’t want to sound like Jake when he gets on about blue alien females. TG: oh no plz dont compare me to that assmunch TG: well u know i say assmunch in the most loving of ways all things considered with what happened with dirk TG: but whatever please ive had enough lessons from karkats cousin or whatever TG: u kno kankri TG: I am leavin my problematic thoughts out of this TG: im not fetishiznit TG: *fetishizin TG: i just <3 nerds TG: dont matter the species TG: plus theres somethin about him i just cant put mah fingerz on but its drawin me to him TG: like i already know him or somethin which is unfortch b/c he's a shitlord rn TG: anyway my ass is startin to fall asleep from sittin on the porcelin throne too long so i gotta split TG: *porcelain GG: Thank you for sharing that piece of information. TG: np bb You compose yourself and head back out to the main floor, and Sollux surreptitiously slips his own phone back into the pocket of his jeans as you approach. “Ready to continue?” he asks. “Whatever,” you sigh, and slip the headset back on. + + + + + TG: fuck this dayyyyy TA: it2 over tho. TA: happy dance tiime. TG: fuck yeah we gonna dance TG: like its 1999 TG: or however that goes TA: yeah iit2 2022 but ok. TA: ii liike thiis year becau2e there are a lot of two2. :) TG: I BER U DO TG: BET TG: god that was soc ute ughgfda i like it when you smeiley TG: shit that sentence is a wreck TA: eheheh iit2 ok. TG: ok TA: how wa2 your day TG: it was awful TG: this douchebag was a royal fuck about psionic shit TG: no offense i know u have those powers TG: but like if its gonna go mainstream what can u do TG: i mean please tell me if theres something i should kno bcuz i don’t want to be offensive or like culturally fucked up or whatever TA: iim not worriied. TA: the thiing ii2 that, iin our 2o2ciiety, before we came two earth, beiing a p2iioniic wa2 a really 2cary thiing. TA: 2o 2cary iin fact that ii dont really want two talk about iit. TA: but that2 all you really have two under2tand. TA: thii2 2ort of technology beiing u2ed for human purpo2e2 ii2 kiinda liike… well you dont have two feel the fear we felt. TA: and a lot of human2 miight take iit for granted. TG: that is fuckin legit TG: im really sorry TA: no dont apologiize. TG: but that sounds awful tho TG: sorry im like drink and emotional TG: *drunk TG: fuck my typos are so predictable huh TA: you 2eem two make them when you are nervou2. TG: eh not always TG: sometimes im just dronnkkkk TG: aint gonna correct that one that one was on purpose TA: yeah ii gathered that. TG: anyway yeah so my shop got that psionic shit today TG: and i did really well at it kinda TG: but the dude trainin me was such a dick TA: yeah ii had two traiin thii2 human giirl twoday TA: and iit ju2t took her 2o long two get iit and you know ii have liike no patiience. TG: lol yeah TA: so ii dunno ii thiink ii was kiind of a jerk two her but at the 2ame tiime iit2 liike whatever. TG: yeaaaah TG: well TG: whatever enough about work TG: um TG: so like TG: those pictures you were gonna send me TA: eheheh TA: 2omeone ii2 feeliin frii2ky. TA: ii2 that the riight human word? TA: frii2ky? TG: lol i think its funny how u been here a while and still dont get our words TA: you dont get our2 eiither. TG: true TG: well TG: um if it helps i got the pic i was gonna send u TA: oh? TA: ii wiill def 2end you mine no matter what. TA: ii dont want two make you uncomfortable. iif you dont want two 2end me your2 you dont have two but ii will 2end you mine. tipsyGnostalgic sent file MYJUGSLOL.JPG TA: oh. TA: are tho2e liike. TA: your human che2tnub2? TA: your rumble2phere2? TA: ii liike how 2oft your belly look2. TA: 2orry TG: r u DISTACTED lol TA: maybe a liitlle biit. TG: yeah um so like those r mah boobs TG: sorry my face isnt in it but im a bit paranoid about that still ya know TA: yeah ii under2tand. TA: ii can 2send you miine iif you 2tiil want. TG: um sure TA: okay. twinArmageddons sent file “bulge.jpg” TG: holy shit TG: like TG: you have two of them TA: yeah. TG: i just TG: i cant TG: ive lost the ability to can TA: ??? TG: no thats good TG: like TG: holy shit TG: i am just TG: really turned on oh fuck skjhfkjdhgjkfshd sorry TA: iit2 ok. TA: ii am two. TG: fuck um TG: like you said you had psionic powers right TG: like u one of those trolls with the powers TA: yeah. TG: so like potentially you could like use those powers to like hold me up a wall or something while you like uh used those uh bulges on me TG: like you know put them in me TG: sex style TG: HUMAN SEX STYLE TA: um iit2 cool troll 2ex work2 that way two actually. TA: except like you could put your2 iin me two. TA: iif you had one TA: but ii thiink human2 only have one or nothiing. TG: yeah i mean TG: i could fuck you with a silicone one TA: whoa TG: baddragon.com check it lolololololooo TA: um you could fuck me however wiith whatever. TA: iif iit wa2 you iit wouldnt matter. TG: ohhhh boy TG: shit i am TG: gettin a bit wet here TA: that2 hot. TA: tell me more. TA: ii mean iif that2 ok, oh 2hiit iif iit2 not okay plea2e dont, god ii am an a22hole. TG: uh no its cool TG: uh fuck why dont you send me a picture of your face TA: weve only been talkiing for liike a month, iim 2tiil cautiiou2. TG: ok understood. TA: maybe 2oon though. TG: yeah uh TG: I should go to sleep TA: ok TA: talk two you twomorrow? TG: of course TA: goodniight. TG: bye! You don’t go to bed immediately. Right now, that’s impossible. You can’t stop thinking about him; now that you’ve seen his… troll genitals (which are kinda hot, ngl), and know for a fact that he’s got psionic powers, you can't help but start to fantasize about all sorts of awful things: being pushed down, tossed around, held in place… ...oh dear. Before you know it, you’ve begun to touch yourself, fingers slipping into your panties trail your slick up over your clit and rub, hard, panting as you think about pointy fangs and double horns and messy shaggy hair and shit you are picturing Solluxohnofuck fuck fuck you are picturing Sollux yelling at you for getting shit wrong and maybe... holding you down with psionic power while he smacks you around a little bit for being disobedient? oh shit and those fangs as he smiles and oh my fucking oh god oh You come hard. You’re tired enough to pass out without thinking about it too hard, so you do, and you don’t. Thank goodness. + + + + + Since your masturbatory foible (as Jane so eloquently called it), you’ve tried to not think about Sollux. He’s there, of course; being a shithead, insulting you at work despite the fact that you’re improving, and you try your best to be a good person and keep Twin’s words about psionics to heart. It’s hard, though. It’s really hard, and nobody understands. It’s almost as if Sollux is taunting you on purpose; it’s like he’s goading you to get a rise out of you, maybe even to challenge you. Your style, however, is to keep on keepin’ on, and keep on you do, decidedly the opposite of shy when it comes to boasting about your high commission earnings and your nearly- flawless track record when it comes to fixing what seem to be near-impossible- to-fix bugs and viruses. The psionic headsets make it easier, of course, and Sollux seems at turns impressed and awed-- yet then angry and goading-- toward the deftness with which you manipulate the software. It’s almost as if he has some weird sort of split personality thing. Sometimes, he even apologizes out of nowhere, and that’s a little weird. Mostly, though, he’s a snarky asshole. He’s also still hot. Like, really hot. TG: u ever see someone so attractive yet so annoyin u just wanna blow chunx GG: Er. TG: i cant believe we are stuck doin inventory together TG: like wat r the odds TG: one BILLION to NEGATIVE ZERO GG: :\ GG: Well, at least he’s easy on the eyes? GG: Maybe you’ll have a chance to talk, and get to know each other better. Settle your differences (and I don’t mean with fisticuffs!) :P TG: SIGH TG: hold on twins messagin me TA: 2up. TG: yo homeskillet TA: you workiing the late shiift riight. TG: ya TA: me two. TA: it2 ju2t me and that giirl. TG: wut TG: thats kinda hilar its just me and the douchebag tonite TG: lol i love how we have these nameless buffoonz we bitch about to one another TA: ii thought he wa2 le22 2hiitty lately. TG: well ya kno its on and off TG: like he gets these moods TA: well from what you tell me iit almo2t 2eem2 liike he ii2 iintere2ted iin a kii2me2ii22iitude wiith you. TG: yah i kno u talked about that b4 TG: maybe if he was a lil more slick ya kno TA: yeah he 2ound2 a liittle clule22. TA: then agaiin ii probably wouldnt do much better iin hii2 2iituatiion. TG: naw dont compare yrself to this chump TG: youre like a cassanova in comparison As you walk by the open door of the break room, you hear Sollux snickering at something from inside. TG: def so because this dude is like laughin to himself all crazy rn You pause in your tracks when you hear the distinct ding of a Pesterchum message being delivered. TG: um also he left his phone volume on mad loud TG: hes chattin with someone TA: um. TA: that girl ii2 ju2t kiinda creepiily 2tandiing out2iide the door two the break room. TA: and. TA: 2he al2o ha2 her phone volume up. TG: thats cuz i just turned it up Suddenly, you feel kind of sick. You lean over, slowly, to look in through the break room door, phone in hand. As you peer around the doorframe, you catch sight of Sollux, who is also in the process of leaning over in his seat to peer around the doorframe, mouth agape, before seeming to go about two shades paler than his normal tone of gray as he freezes, and, fuck dammit, you can practically feel the anxiety emanating from him. He doesn’t look at you, though-- after several motionless seconds, you watch as he types something into his phone. TA: ARE YOU FUCKIING KIIDDIING ME. TG: nope TA: ii ju2t want two jump off a cliiff riight now. TA: iim goiing two go diispo2e of my2elf iin the hud2on riiver. TG: nah don’t do that TA: thii2 ii2 mortiifyiing. TG: why TG: i think its a p. hilar and ironic twist AMIRITE TA: no. TG: its like i got str8-up memed on except the meme is alive or somethin TG: wait why r we still textin TG: i’m rite here yo TG: in the flesh TG: lets talk it out TG: lets exercise the demons like theyre trainin 4 a marathong or somethin “How is this even possible, he says, finally, throwing a hand up. “How did we not know. How. What kind of morons are we. Like. How did we not even tell one another our names--” “We were too busy exchanging pics of tits and tentacles I guess.” “Fuck my life,” Sollux moans, and slumps forward, placing his glasses on the table so that he can mash his face into his hands. TG: UM TG: SO LIKE TWIN IS SOLLUX ILL EXPLAIN LATER TG: WTF GG: Wait, what? TG: DIG MY GRAVE TG: GET IT REDY TG: RADY TG: SLKJFKLDSFKGKLJ “I suppose it’s pretty funny,” Sollux says, so suddenly that you jump. He leans back in his chair and looks up to face you, finally. You decide to be brave and take a seat next to him. He tenses as you walk up and pull out the chair, but seems to relax as you sit and turn to face him. “Uh… yeah,” you say, and drum your fingers nervously on the tabletop. “You’re so cool online though. Shit, I mean-- I guess you’re cool in real life too, I just had a different sort of impression-- I don’t know. Fuck. Wow I need to shut up.” “Nah, it’s cool,” you shrug. “I mean online personas are kinda different, right? Looking back I guess you’re kinda still the same way in person, but like… you know… I guess I was getting the other side of your weird troll courtship systems.” “It’s not weird. Your systems are weird.” “Relationships in general are kinda nonsense. But like… okay. So like… is this a… romantic hate thing? I mean, whatever it is that the real-life side of you has for the real-life side of me.” "Sort of. But it's more complicated than that," Sollux says, and shrugs. "I mean… this is confusing. I'm a little stumped. I mean, on the internet I like you a lot. You might even say that my interest in you leans towards flushed--" "Is that like the sex one?" you blurt out. "Uh. Pailing takes place in both concupiscent and calliginous quadrants, so I guess, in your weird human terms, that I'd want to do 'the sex one' either way." The expression on your face must make it clear that you're still confused, because Sollux clarifies with what you think is an eye roll behind his shades. "Hey man give me a break ok. Besides, I know all about hate sex. I read fanfic." Sollux actually laughs a little bit. Oh no he’s getting hotter by the second. "I suppose internet relationships are kinda perilous, huh. Or… you know, whatever it is we were doin. Still, kinda funny though, huh? At least we didn't let it go too far. My buddy Dirk got involved with some dork through the internet and it didn't work out at all. It was like, awkward town to the max. I mean, this is hella awkward and all too, but… I think it might be salvageable." "This is pretty fucking awkward. It's so awkward, in fact, that I'm not even sure why we’re still talking." "Hey whoa now don't get all bitchtastical on me," you say. "I'm just trying to be nice. Besides, you're like hot and stuff, en-gee-el." “En gee el? "Uh, you know, 'not gonna lie'… I was just spelling out the abbreviation… anyway, yeah.” You figure humor is the best way to go at this point, so you decide to go all out. “Uh, I mean, if you wanted to have some hot steamy interspecies hate sex sometime I'd probably be down. Or the romance sex. You know. Whichever." "Um." Okay, maybe that didn’t go over as well as you thought it would. "I'm kidding." "Uh…" "Meaning like I'm kidding kinda, because like we can't make the break room into the bone zone right now but I mean if you were interested in the future or something that'd be cool. I mean like, we could go on a date or something. I mean I’ve seen your double alien dickstravaganza, so." “Wow.” “Seriously though how about it. You and me. Coffee date. Like Friday or something.” “Coffee is like, the most inferior method of caffeine delivery.” You roll your eyes. “Okay then, what do you suggest Mr. Caffeine Master?” “I suggest...” Sollux says, and then hesitates. Suddenly, he looks terrified. “Yeaaaaaaah?” “Uh. I suggest… that maybe we kiss. Right now.” “Oh.” “Shit, sorry. That was rude.” “Um, nah, not really. I mean... you can.” “Oh?” “Yeah.” Adrenaline spikes through you when you realize: yes, this is about to happen. You’re about to kiss your weird pseudo-internet-boyfriend….whatever he is. Who also happens to be your coworker who you thought you hated. Who also happens to be really hot. And kinda cool. And has two dick tentacle things. You keep going back to that one; it’s certainly a bonus. He leans in, and for a split second you think about his teeth and wonder if he’s actually about to gnaw your lips off with those two pairs of incisors as some sort of evil troll hatesex foreplay revenge thing, but your nerves gradually begin to relax as you realize that kissing him feels remarkably similar to kissing a human, except for the fact that he’s got a forked tongue, and when you stop picturing Sollux as a nerdy-ass snake wearing bi-colored shades, it actually feels... kinda nice. You giggle into his mouth a little bit and he pulls back. “Okay, I get it, I suck at kissing, you don’t have to laugh at me.” “Ohmygod shut up,” you murmur as you grab him by the hair and pull his head back in to continue. He growls a little in your throat and kisses you deeper, harder, and you are so, so, so turned on right now-- you feel a crackle of energy and something like fingers through your hair, stroking and tugging, and then something like an extra pair of arms around you, pulling you closer in some weird sort of pressure-hug thing thats outside you but also inside you and holy fuck your eyes snap open and there’s little literal sparks happening and holy shit this is ridiculously hot-- and then Sollux pulls away, and everything stops. “Oh fuck I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m an asshole, I’m sorry,” “Whoa dude chill it’s--“ “Fuck I didn’t even ask you if that was okay. That was awful of me. I’m like a fucking… predator in the workplace. I’m sorry.” “Sollux,” you say, loudly, and he pauses his freakout to look at you with an expression of mixed fear and shame on his face. “Was that like... your psionic powers and stuff?” “Yeah, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that but I know you’ve said so many times that you thought it sounded kinda sexy so--” “Wow shut up because that was really fucking hot like oh my god,” you breathe. His eyes widen in surprise. “Oh?” “Yeah.” “Oh.” “Yeah.” “Oh.” You decide to go for the gold. “Uh, you like it when things come in twos right?” “Yeah.” “Kiss me again, then,” you say. He looks surprised, then pleased. “On the double,” you add, in your best attempt at what you think is a sexy voice. Sollux growls as he kisses you, and you find yourself pressed between his body and the wall behind you, crackles of blue and red sparks behind your eyelids as energy courses through you and something other than the two hands roaming your hips and ass tugs at your hair and pins your arms to your sides in the hottest fucking moment you have ever dreamed of experiencing in your dorky teenage life thus far. Nothing gets inventoried that night. When your boss is less than pleased at this fact and checks the security cameras to see exactly what you did do for four hours, you and Sollux both promptly find yourselves out of a job. You don’t care too much though; the both of you will be starting school again in less than a month, and Tekserve wasn’t going to be for the rest of your life anyway. You’re also not completely mortified; you know the hot interspecies makeouts only took up about an hour of that security tape. The rest of the time you spent talking and cuddling and watching funny videos on YouTube. You exchange actual phone numbers. You plan a date. You part with one more quite- literally-electrifying kiss, and promise to message one another, as always, once you’re home. TA: hey roxy. TA: iit feel2 2o wiierd two call you by that name. TG: hey sollux TG: lol yah hella weirdsauce up in here TA: 2o are you okay wiith everythiing. TA: ii hope ii wa2nt two overbeariing or cliingy or anythiing becau2e lookiing back ii feel like maybe ii wa2. TG: ummm no TG: not at all TG: whatre u talkin bout TA: ii dont know iim beiing 2tupiid. TG: yah lol TG: um like TG: we are def on for friday tho rite TA: ye2. TA: iit2 not liike we have two work or anythiing. TA: ziing. TG: lolz TG: hell yeah TG: fuck THE MAN TA: you ready for thii2 2e22iion. TG: hellz YEAH twinArmageddons added tipsyGnostalgic to server Land of Unemployment and Makeout2. TG: omfg rofl TG: more like land o oblivious dorks n lolerskate accidents TA: eheheh. TG: <3 TA: <3 End Notes You can find me at listentoyoubleed.tumblr.com. Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!