Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/8281936.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Choose_Not_To_Use_Archive_Warnings, Underage
  Category:
      Other
  Fandom:
      Twenty_One_Pilots
  Relationship:
      Josh_Dun/Tyler_Joseph
  Character:
      Josh_Dun, Tyler_Joseph, Josh_Dun's_Family
  Additional Tags:
      joshler_-_Freeform, Alternate_Universe_-_High_School, Nonbinary
      Character, Josh_is_captain_of_the_football_team_and_Tyler_is_a
      cheerleader, Fluff, Smut, Angst, Angst_and_Fluff_and_Smut, Friends_to
      Lovers, Homophobic_Language, (not_much_tho), Happy_Ending
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-10-14 Words: 8286
****** give me a sign (i wanna believe) ******
by heavydiirtysoul
Summary
     Josh is the Captain of the football team, Tyler is new on the
     cheerleaders -- and even though it might be a cliché, Josh can't take
     his eyes off of them.
     aka The one where Tyler is nonbinary and Josh has a lot to learn.
While his teammates were hollering on the bleachers, cheering for the girls on
the field, Josh didn’t take any particular interest in the cheerleading try-
outs. He had his nose buried in a book, studying, trying hard to ignore the
outright embarassing sexual shouts coming from his friends.
“Could y'all stop that?”, he groaned, giving Derek an annoyed look, but he just
shrugged and tried to catch Josh’s neck in a headlock.
“Get off me. You know I need to study. Mr. Colins said if I fail the test on
Thursday I can forget being Captain next season. And we all know I’m the only
one who can keep these idiots in line. … Hey, I said shut it! Nick, let the
girls do their thing and stop yelling.”
Without further ado, he aimed and threw his pen, hitting Nick straight in the
face, and the other fell silent with an apologizing lock, rubbing the spot
where the pen had hit him.
“Sorry, Cap”, he mumbled, giving out half-hearted punches left and right to
silence the other guys.
“Thanks”, Josh said gracefully, returning his gaze to his book. He’d never
manage to get all of the info in his head, but he’d sure as hell try. It might
have sounded conceited, but he was actually really proud of the good influence
he’s had on the team. Unfortunately, there was still a long way to go, he
thought with a frustrated shake of his head, so he wasn’t ready to step back
from being the Captain just yet.
Only a few minutes later, the guys were back to cheering, even though with
considerably nicer words, and Josh gave up on the studying for now – it was no
use when the others kept being noisy.
He wasn’t sure what had convinced him to tag along with the others. He surely
respected their cheerleaders, they were good girls and did a great job on the
sidelines, but he preferred to let them do their job and keep his hands out of
their business – much to the displeasure of pretty much every other guy on the
team, whose single goal it seemed to be to hook up with any girl from the group
they could get their hands on.
At first, they’d tried to get him involved in their nonsense games, but as he
kept turning down each and every proposed party designed to, well, find a girl
and get laid, they had stopped asking him to join.
He knew there were rumours about his sexuality, but he ignored them, and
eventually, the talks started to decrease until noone really bothered with it
anymore.
How he’d become Captain had been a mystery to him at first, but he soon
realized that his behavior was seen as maturity and respectfulness, and
apparently the coach thought that this was the exact kind of personality the
team needed as a leader to get them to keep their head in the game.
Surprisingly, the coach was right, and he soon found himself in a position
where he could actually change things, and to his own, even bigger surprise, he
found that he liked the idea of that a lot.
He grew into his new role of being a leader organically and smoothly, and the
guys respected him, turned to him for advice, both game-related and personally,
and Josh enjoyed every second of it. He felt needed, wanted, appreciated, and
that had done a big deal for his self-confidence.
Josh realized he’d been intensely staring at the group of cheerleaders while
lost in thought, and Derek had shuffled closer, trying to follow his gaze.
“Who you looking at? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“Noone in particular. I was just thinking.”
Derek nodded understandingly, but he kept close, eyes glued to someone on the
field.
“Hey, she’s new.”
Josh followed Derek’s pointed hand with his eyes. He was right, there was a new
girl on the team, apparently, one he’d never seen before.
She didn’t quite look like the typical cheerleader, if there even was such
thing. A wild mess of curly, brown hair falling down to her chin, a slim,
slender frame, barely curvy, more boney, but she moved with grace and a calm
self-coonfidence that captured Josh even from this far away.
“She’s good”, said Derek, confirming what Josh had just thought, and he nodded.
“Yeah. Got some good moves”, he replied, watching her pulling off a pretty
great cartwheel from scratch, and his eyes grew wide.
“Nice.”
“You tell me!”, Derek laughed, a hand landing heavily on Josh’s back. “You
should go and say hi.”
“And why would I do that?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Mr. Lone Wolf, maybe because even you need some social
contact every now and then?”
Josh groaned and rolled his eyes, but he found himself actually considering it.
She certainly looked like an interesting girl, and maybe Derek was a tiny bit
right, even though Josh would never admit it.
 
A few days later, Josh got the results from his test – to everyones absolute
surprise, he had managed to get a B, and the quiet relief he felt was warm and
somehow very, very reassuring. He wasn’t sure why he was so keen on keeping his
role as team captain, but now that he could be sure that he’d stay for the rest
of the season it felt like a heavy weight was lifted from his shoulders.
The team had wanted to celebrate, but Josh didn’t feel up for it – he was
exhausted, he still needed to study for another test coming up soon, so he
excused himself and decided to spend the afternoon at home. Maybe he’d be able
to squeeze in some video game time for the first time in weeks, and the
prospect of a quiet evening for himself made him almost giddishly excited.
He was wandering down the hallway, checking his phone, one arm full of books
and a mess of notes and papers, and he realized that he should probably watch
where he was going just a second too late – he ran face first into someone’s
back, pushing over whoever was unlucky enough to be in his way, and the notes
and books scattered all over the floor.
“Shit”, Josh said, already trying to gather up the stuff he’d managed to
somehow spread everywhere in the corridor.
“Eyes on the road is apparently a pretty good rule, even for school hallways”,
said the other person, slightly squeaky voice, and another pair of hands joined
his own in scrambling all the notes together. Slender fingers, neatly
manicured, weirdly pretty.
“Yeah”, Josh laughed, finally looking up to see whoever was helping him.
“Oh, wait, aren’t you the new girl on the cheerleaders?”
He cursed his voice for suddenly sounding very shaky, but he couldn’t help it.
He wasn’t shy, he wasn’t really awkward, so why the hell was he acting like
this?
Kind, warm eyes met his own with a strong gaze, and the girl gave him a sweet
smile.
“Not really”, she said, extending a hand with some of the notes for Josh to
take, and Josh wondered briefly if he was maybe confusing her with the girl
he’d seen on the field last week. But the messy curls, the somehow androgynous
way she dressed, loose, ripped jeans hugging her slim waist – he was pretty
sure he wasn’t mistaken, it had to be her.
“But I’m pretty sure you are”, he said eloquently, taking his notes from her
with a tiny nod of his head.
“Well, and I’m pretty sure I’m not a girl”, she replied, turning on her heel
and throwing a peace sign over her shoulder while already walking away. “See
you around!”
Josh was left standing in the hallway, clutching to his books and papers,
utterly confused.
He decided to not waste a whole afternoon thinking about her, and failed after
five minutes of studying. Biology wasn’t his strong side, in fact, the class
bored him to no end, so the material sheets on his desk didn’t make for a good
distraction at all.
She had to be the girl from the try-outs, Josh thought, fingers tapping absent-
minded rhythms on the hackneyed edge of his wooden desk, she had definitely
worn a girls’ uniform, and while admittedly her voice was maybe a bit rough and
deep for a girls’ voice, her whole appearance just seemed to scream ‘woman’.
 
His sister was the expert when it came to stuff like that – she was pretty much
the personification of a gossip rag, so he abandoned his studies and made his
barefeet way over to her room, knocking and entering immediately, flopping down
on her bed on his tummy, sighing.
“I need help.”
“What is it?”, Ashley said, turning in her chair, pulling one leg up to rest
against her chest and hug her arms around it. She was studying too, but as
always she was ready for any kind of distraction she could get.
“New girl in school”, Josh started, and Ashley nodded knowingly.
“Gina”, she said, and Josh shrugged.
“Don’t know her name. Fluffy brown hair, brown eyes, was at the try-outs last
week.”
“Oh!”, Ashley made, eyes growing wide. “You mean Tyler.”
“No, I mean a girl. Not a boy.”
“No, Josh, you definitely mean Tyler. They’re new in the team, amazing moves,
absolutely perfect. Maybe they’ll help us win the tournament next summer, they
definitely have it in them.”
This really wasn’t helpful, Josh thought, not when his sister was basically
talking nonsense.
“Ashley, I mean a girl. Not.. Tyler. And what’s the whole deal with calling him
'they’?”
His sister just rolled her eyes at him, giving him a look as if he had just
insulted her.
“You have a lot to learn, Josh. Gender isn’t like… boy and girl and that’s it.
That’s not how it works. Look, I’m gonna send you some links, alright? Just
read them.”
Josh shook his head, already annoyed. This had been a stupid idea, he thought,
and it just left him more confused than before.
“It’s not Tyler”, he insisted, getting up from the bed and making his way over
to the door, hesitating in the doorframe. “But send me the links anyway, okay?”
 
He really should’ve studied instead of getting consumed in various articles
about gender – he failed the test with colors flying, but at least he now knew
that there was such thing as being non-binary, he knew what someone meant when
they talked about being pan or ace or genderfluid, and all in all he felt like
he’d learned something a lot more important that afternoon than if he’d kept on
studying for biology.
He met the mystery girl again later that day. He’d been at the gym for almost
two hours, just doing some light weight training, and as he made his way over
to the parking lot and to his car, he caught a glimpse of the familiar head of
fluffy curls only a few parking spaces away. He was about to walk over to say
hi when he noticed there was someone else with her, stopping in his tracks to
listen in – he didn’t want to be intruding if she was talking to someone else.
“Just – leave it be, okay?”
She sounded distressed, upset, and Josh wondered if he should step in.
“Come on, baby, wouldn’t you be happy if someone actually wanted to touch you?
Look at you, fucking boy in girls’ clothes, ridiculous.”
Definitely step in, Josh decided, making his way over to where she was
standing, back pressed against the door of her car, some guy having her
basically pinned to it.
“Hey, leave her alone”, Josh shouted, and apparently the simple presence of a
third party was enough to let the other guy bail, scared that he’d be
recognized.
“Gee, what was that about? Are you okay?”
“Oh, you think I owe you a thank you now? Knight in shining armor or something?
No thank you”, she said, arms crossed neatly in front of her chest, eyes cold
and hostile, and Josh wasn’t sure what exactly he’d done wrong.
“I can take care of myself, okay?!”
“Yeah, I -”, Josh struggled to find the right words, tentatively taking a step
back and away from her, hands held out with his palms facing upwards in a
reassuring matter, “I didn’t think anything else. I just wanted to make sure
you’re okay.”
“Fine as ever”, she said, soothing the fabric of her loose vest against her
waist, and Josh couldn’t help but stare – she really did have no actual… girls’
chest.
“You done staring?”
Josh retreated another step, face crimson red with embarrassment.
“I’m sorry”, he said, and the girl shook her head.
“Whatever.”
They stood in silence for a few seconds before she sighed and ruffled a hand
through her already messy hair, puffing it up even more.
“No, actually, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. I was just… upset.”
“Understandably. No offense taken.”
“I’m Tyler”, the girl said, holding out her hand, and Josh’s eyes grew wide. He
wanted to curse himself for his inappropriate reaction the moment it happened.
“Oh.”
“Oh?”
“Not the name I was expecting, is all. I’m Josh.”
He took Tyler’s hand, eyes boring into his, and Josh had to avert his gaze.
“Just ask”, Tyler sighed, pulling back - her? his? - their hand to cross their
arms in front of their chest again, their voice somewhere between challenging
and annoyed.
“What are your pronouns?”, Josh blurted out, just to make sure, not able to
stop the question from stumbling out.
Now it was Tyler’s turn to be surprised – that certainly wasn’t the question
they had expected.
“They, if you don’t mind.”
“Sure, no, why would I mind?”
Tyler shrugged, and awkward silence spread again, until Josh eventually clasped
a hand in his neck and chuckled uncomfortably.
“Alright, I’ll head home now, I guess”, he said, already taking off towards his
car across the parking lot.
“Yeah, I - thank you”, said Tyler, and Josh gave them a small smile.
“Sure thing”, he replied, “that jerk can shove his insults where the sun
doesn’t shine.”
Tyler laughed, unlocked their car and waved Josh goodbye.
 
They kept running into each other in the hallways of their school, chatting
every now and then, but mostly just saying hi or waving across crowded
corridors, and weirdly enough Josh soon found himself looking forward to
meeting Tyler a lot. He wasn’t exactly sure what drew him to them so much, but
he was somehow intrigued, maybe fascinated, definitely eager to get to know
them, so it was only a matter of time until he found himself occupied with the
idea of asking Tyler to hang out.
It took him some days to convince himself to do it, and when he ran into Tyler
after their cheerleading practice, he took the plunge.
“Hey, uh, I was wondering, I – do you play video games?”
“What kind of question is that? I could beat you at Mario Kart any day. With my
left hand. And my eyes closed.”
Josh doubted that. He was pretty damn good at Mario Kart.
“That just sounds like you’re begging for me to show you what it feels like to
lose.”
“You must’ve gotten something wrong there, then”, Tyler laughed, but they
seemed just as nervous as Josh, carding their hand through their hair, the
other fidgeting with the zipper of their backpack swung loosely over one
shoulder.
“Well, why don’t you come over and we see who’s better, then?”
“Sure, I’d like that. Um, give me your number and I’ll text you later? I need
to do some homework first. Mr. Colins is the worst, I swear.”
“Yeah, don’t I know it”, Josh groaned, glad that he’d have some time left to
tidy up his room before Tyler came over.
Numbers were exchanged, and they said goodbye with shaky hands, neither of them
wanting to admit just how excited they were upon the idea of finally seeing
each other after school.
Josh lost their game with colors flying, and Tyler enjoyed their victory far
too much, actually doing a victory dance in the middle of Josh’s familys’
living room.
“You lose!”, they sang, throwing their arms in the air and waving them around,
and Josh just sat on the couch, with a pretense brooding face, mumbling about
how they definitely cheated and the whole thing wasn’t fair anyways because
they were distracting him.
“You’re a sore loser”, Tyler eventually sighed, flopping down on the couch
again, side-eyeing Josh who had given up pretending and was now smiling
giddishly.
“Yeah, no, I’m just not used to being beaten at my own game. Ashley sucks with
video games, and my parents don’t play at all, so they’re easy to win against.”
“All in all, you’re basically spoiled when it comes to winning”, Tyler
summarized and shrugged. “Fair enough. You are allowed to mourn your abruptly
ending winning streak then.”
“Oh, thank you very much”, Josh growled, rolling his eyes at Tyler, but he knew
the slight smile on his face would give away that he was only being sarcastic.
“Alright, so, uh, you wanna go up to my room?”
“Sure. Show me where the magic happens.”
Both of them cringed at that, but Tyler just waved for Josh to take the lead.
 
“Well, that’s my room”, Josh said nonchalantly and gestured for Tyler to come
in, closing the door after them, leaning his back against the door while Tyler
inspected every corner of the admittedly quite small room.
“Cramped”, they found, fingertips resting unsurely on the edge of Josh’s desk,
then eventually sitting down in his office chair.
“Thanks. I wouldn’t’ve noticed”, Josh huffed, rolling his eyes again.
He crawled onto his bed, head propped up on his elbows as he got comfortable on
his tummy, watching Tyler’s eyes graze over the various pictures of Josh in his
football gear, finally landing on the trophy they’d gotten last year for
winning the school tournament in the area.
“You’ve been playing for long?”
“Pretty much since middle school.”
“You’re not quite the typical jock though.”
Josh shrugged. Maybe he wasn’t, Tyler was right, but he never quite got the
appeal of the whole 'jock’ label.
“You’re not the typical cheerleader yourself, Tyler.”
“Right.”
They fell silent, both of them lost in their own thoughts until Tyler sighed.
“I’ve never really been a typical anything, I guess.”
Josh gave them an unsure smile, nodding. He’d never felt as if he belonged
until he’d found his place as Captain either, but he was sure that wasn’t at
all comparable to what Tyler had been through in their life.
“Anyways.”
It was almost a bit disappointing for him when Tyler didn’t continue, but it
wasn’t his place to push or ask, so he rolled over onto his back and stared at
the ceiling. There were glow in the dark plastic stars scattered everywhere,
had been since he’d been a child.
He practically jumped as Tyler crawled onto the bed next to him, not realizing
he’d been slowly dozing off while his eyes wandered from star to star. It was
already dark outside, night falling rapidly, and he was exhausted enough from
his day.
For a few minutes, it was really awkward, lying next to each other on the bed,
not talking, and Josh was suddenly very self-conscious about his breathing,
feeling as if he was basically heaving in the silence, but Tyler didn’t say
anything, so he figured his ears were probably playing games with him.
“I’m glad I finally found a worthy Mario Kart opponent”, Tyler said, and at the
same time, Josh’s mum called from downstairs.
“Dinner time”, Josh sighed, turning over again so he could climb out the bed,
without second thought extending his hands so Tyler could take them, helping
them out of the bed. It was still a bit awkward, but somehow his senses were
highly sensitive, picking up the soft tremble in their hands, the slight blush,
so maybe it was just as weird for Tyler. He pushed the thought aside, but –
“You can let go of my hands now.”
“Oh, yes, right, uh, sorry.”
Hands were quickly jerked from his, and Tyler’s blush deepened. Josh would have
probably given his left arm to know what Tyler was thinking in that moment, but
he bit back the question.
 
If holding hands in Josh’s room had been awkward, it would probably be nothing
compared to dinner with his parents. He hadn’t really thought about it before,
but the unsettling idea of having to explain to his parents who Tyler was
loomed over him like a dark cloud.
Thankfully, Ashley and Tyler already knew each other, and the two of them were
amazingly skilled in swiveling around every possible bump in the road, and they
got through the whole thing with only a few weird moments.
When Tyler had left, Josh practically ran upstairs, waving a quick goodnight
before his parents could even get a word in.
“Homework, sorry! I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Josh -”
But he was already throwing the door of his room shut, and his mum’s voice was
fading to silence.
 
Soon enough, both of them had fallen into a quite comfortable rhythm of
managing to hang out at least once a week. They sat together at lunch,
sometimes joined by some of Josh’s teammates, sometimes by Tyler’s cheerleading
group, sometimes by just Ashley. Everyone had stopped questioning their newly
blossomed friendship, and Josh assumed that was mostly Ashley’s doing. She was
amazing when it came to rumors – both spreading and ending them, and he was
about 90% sure that Ash had dirt on most of the people in school, effectively
shutting them up when it came to gossip about her brother.
But even the most peaceful time had to come to an end, and in this case, it was
a pretty abrupt one.
“Faggot”, in black sharpie smeared across Josh’s locker, the letters staring at
him angrily, and Josh felt as if the ground underneath his feet was being
pulled away and he was left stumbling and God, it hurt.
Officials only took a few hours to organize someone to scrub off the insult,
but for Josh, the shadow of the letters was still clinging to the red metal as
he shoved his books in there before lunch..
He decided not to tell Tyler, not wanting to upset them, but they had somehow
gotten the news spreading through the school like wildfire before Josh had had
a chance to talk to them.
“You!”, they said, voice dripping with a mixture of anger and worry, and their
lunch was shoved onto the table angrily. “Why haven’t you told me?”
Josh was shrinking underneath their gaze, squirming, not wanting to answer.
“Answer me.”
Tyler sat down, arms crossed in front of their chest, waiting.
“Didn’t want you to worry about me”, Josh finally admitted, pushing the mashed
potatoes on his plate from left to right unenthusiastically.
“Well, good fucking job.”
Tyler never cursed, and Josh looked up from his plate, finding himself face to
face with his fuming friend.
“I’m sorry”, he mumbled, wishing he could just somehow disappear into his
chair.
“No, you don’t need to be sorry. Okay, maybe for not talking to me about this,
but other than that, it’s not your place to apologize. We need to find out who
did that, Josh. That’s not okay. You let them do that once, they’ll do it
again.”
Josh figured that Tyler was probably speaking from experience, but he didn’t
dare ask, knowing that hearing about their past only made him angry and sad.
The few and rare hints they’d dropped over the last few weeks were enough to
give Josh a vague idea about why Tyler had switched schools.
“I don’t know how we could do that, Tyler. And besides, it’s not that bad.
People know I’m not actually gay.”
He hadn’t realized what he was saying before the words had left his lips, and
he immediately regretted them, wished he could just force them to get back in
there, don’t say that, you utter fuckin’ jerk.
“Oh.”
Tyler got up without a word, leaving Josh alone at the table, desperately
trying to call Tyler, yelling sorry over and over again through the crowd, and
he didn’t care about the looks he got from the other students.
Tyler didn’t even turn around.
 
Life moved on, but it felt significantly emptier without Tyler in it.
The football season finally came to an end, the results weren’t good, and Josh
knew that most of that was his own fault for slacking, not being able to focus,
constantly absent-minded and tortured by guilt.
His parents watched him from afar, unable to help, and Josh didn’t have any
idea what they could do about it anyways, so he turned down every desperate try
from them to reach out, closing himself off. He hadn’t realized just how
attached he’d gotten to Tyler over the months of spending time with them,
hadn’t realized they had slowly, but surely grown to become best friends.
He wondered if Tyler felt the same, but they seemed to be happy, leading the
cheerleaders to become champions for their area, celebrating with a huge party
while the football team was pushed back to watch longingly from the sidelines.
It was Ashley who finally took it into her hands to fix the whole thing, and
Josh didn’t appreciate her efforts at all.
“You need to talk to them. Apologize! Tell them you didn’t mean what you said.
You didn’t, right?”
Josh gave her an incredulous look from where he was lying on her bed, almost
offended.
“No, I didn’t mean it. You know that.”
“See? Tell them. They miss you too, you know? They always act so strong and as
if it doesn’t affect them, but they do. Miss you, I mean.”
Josh doubted that.
“They don’t look like it.”
“You don’t look like it either. You’re both amazing actors. Maybe you should
consider joining the drama club, the performance you gave the last few weeks
certainly qualifies you.”
Josh rolled his eyes, sat up, back against the headboard, knees pulled close to
his chest, hugging his legs.
“I don’t know if they’d even accept my apology”, he mumbled, and the familiar
sadness threatened to wash over him again. “I just miss them, but.. What I said
was.. And I don’t even know…”
He trailed off, and Ashley got up from her chair with a sigh, joining her
brother on the bed.
“Josh, they’re your best friend. They’ll understand. You were upset, and
understandably so, that makes people say stuff they don’t wanna say.”
He sniffed pitifully, wiping a traitorous tear from the corner of his eyes.
“But what if they don’t want me back?”
Ashley shook her head with emphasis, sneaking an arm around Josh’s shoulders to
pull him into a close hug.
“They’ll understand”, she repeated, her hand rubbing soothing circles into
Josh’s back. “Talk to them.”
The next day, Josh decided that Ashley was right. He missed Tyler more than
anything, and he didn’t want to spend another day passing each other silently
in the hallways, glancing secretly when they felt like the other wasn’t
watching, averting their eyes quickly when the other caught them in the act –
he was tired, and he just wanted his best friend back.
“Hey, uh, Tyler?”
His voice was small and cracked when he said their name, and Tyler turned
around to meet Josh with a questioning gaze.
“Josh?”
“I, uh, I wanted to ask… um, can we go out for coffee this afternoon? I really
want to talk to you, but not.. not here.”
Tyler shrugged, closing their locker with force, shouldering their backpack and
finally sighing.
“Fine. I’ll pick you up at 4.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
Tyler rushed off, and Josh was left standing in the hallway on his own, holding
onto the books in his arms shakily. At least they’d said yes, so maybe there
was hope.
It wasn’t even 3:30, and Josh was already freaking out with anxiety. He’d
changed about seven times after he got home from school, weirdly self-conscious
about his clothes, and Ashley eventually flipped.
“Stop that, Josh. They won’t bite your head off, for Heaven’s sake.”
“Language!”, their mother called from the kitchen, popping her head out of the
doorframe. “Watch your mouth, Ashley.”
“Sorry, mum”, she replied, but her eyes didn’t leave Josh’s, boring into his
with urgent force. “Stop worrying. It’ll be fine.”
The doorbell rang at exactly 4, and Josh basically sprinted to the door.
“Hi”, he choked out, breathless, sneaking out with wobbly legs, and found
himself face to face with Tyler, arms crossed in what Josh knew was their self-
protective pose.
“Hi.”
Their voice was cold, but Tyler seemed to be nervous too as they drove silently
towards one of the smaller cafés they’d both learned to love throughout their
months together, a café they’d spent countless afternoons studying and drinking
coffee in amounts that probably weren’t healthy anymore.
Tyler ordered what they always ordered, a simple coffee with cream, and Josh
went with a soda, hands tapping nervous rhythms on his legs as they waited for
the waitress to return with their order.
As they finally had their beverages sit in front them, Josh decided it was time
to break the awkward silence, or he’d probably start blurting out random stuff.
“I wanted to apologize for.. for what I said.”
He didn’t need to specify, both of them knowing what he was talking about.
“I figured.”
“That’s all?”
“What, you want me to fall into your arms crying and thanking you for finally
having the balls to apologize for something that was just, you know, fucking
rude?”
Josh was shrinking in his chair, holding onto his soda for dear life.
“No, I…”
“Listen, Josh, I’ve had to deal with that kind of shit for all my life,
practically ever since I came out, so I sure as hell don’t need to listen to
stuff like that when it comes to someone who dares to call themself my best
friend.”
“I – I wasn’t thinking. I was upset, and I… I didn’t think. And I’m so, so
sorry that I hurt you. I will never, ever say anything like that again, because
it was wrong and hurtful. I don’t even – I’ve never had a problem with anyone’s
sexuality, I… I really don’t know why I said that, but I know it was wrong and
I am sorry. And I – I miss you, okay? I miss my best friend.”
He bit back the stinging burn of tears in his eyes, willing himself to not cry,
but he knew Tyler would probably pick up on it anyways, on the way his eyes
were glazed and slightly puffy, the way he sniffed and tried to discreetly wipe
his nose with his sleeve.
“Okay”, Tyler said, and Josh’s head jerked up to meet their gaze, for the first
time in weeks, and he wasn’t sure if his ears weren’t playing tricks on him
again.
“What?”
“Okay”, Tyler repeated, leaning back in their chair. “Okay.”
“Okay”, Josh said too, unsure if he was understanding the whole situation
right, and it must’ve shown on his face, because Tyler sighed and reached for
Josh’s hand, cupping it with their own, index finger tapping on the back of
Josh’s hand.
“Apology accepted. But you have to promise me something.”
Josh would have probably promised Tyler a bed made out of cotton candy and a
prince on a white horse at this point, so he nodded.
“If something like that happens again, you talk to me sooner. I don’t know if I
can go another three weeks without you.”
 
It took them some days to ease back into their old rhythm, but soon enough,
everything seemed to be back to normal. They hung out together, even more
frequent than before, resulting in Josh’s parents practically always cooking
for one kid more, happy to see their son back to his usual, cheerful self
again, and Josh’s mum even hugged Tyler in the kitchen when she thought Josh
wasn’t looking. “I’m glad you’re back”, she said, and Tyler was both
uncomfortable and weirdly proud that they were the reason Josh was smiling so
much again.
The weekends were Josh’s favorites, because Tyler was allowed to sleep over,
and most times, they ended up talking far into the early morning hours and
eventually collapsing on his bed from utter exhaustion, only waking up around
noon, still exhausted and in a giddish-tired state of sleep deprivation that
made both of them giggle too much and laugh about things that weren’t even
funny.
The Saturday morning sun was already peaking through the curtains, pale and
soft, and Josh’s eyes were burning with sleepiness. He had his back against the
headboard, Tyler spread out on the bed with their head resting on one of Josh’s
legs, absent-mindedly toying with the blanket.
“Josh?”
“Hm?”, Josh made, pulled back from dozing off, but still barely awake anymore.
“Have you ever thought about, uh, us? As, you know, uh, more than…” Tyler’s
hands made a gesture that seemed to include the whole room, the whole
situation.
The question took him off guard. Tyler didn’t need to elaborate further for
Josh to know what they meant.
“I… I don’t know”, he replied truthfully. Of course he liked Tyler, enjoyed
being close with them, maybe a little closer than other people, with more
cuddling and more physical contact in general, but he had never specifically
thought about Tyler in a way that was more than what he figured would be normal
for best friends.
“Oh”, Tyler said, and Josh could feel their body stiffen.
“Have you?”
It was a stupid question, seeing Tyler’s reaction, and Josh backpedaled.
“I never really thought about stuff like that in general, I mean. I don’t even
know.. I mean, I like you. I really do, Tyler, but…”
He trailed off, suddenly acutely aware of the spots where his and Tyler’s body
were connected on the bed. He wasn’t lying when he said he’d never thought
about it, but now that he did – he wasn’t sure what he was feeling. It couldn’t
be more than what he was supposed to feel, right?
“It’s okay, Josh. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“But you’re not.. you’re not in love with me, are you?”
“What? No! I mean, I love you, but like, we’re best friends.”
The protest was a little bit too harsh for Josh’s liking, and he sat up
straighter, eyebrows almost disappearing into the hair falling into his
forehead because he’d raised them so high.
“Tyler?”
“Josh?”
Tyler sat up too, their gazes locking.
“I didn’t – I’m not in love with you, Josh. I’m just saying that maybe, I don’t
know. It’s… it just crossed my mind. It’s whatever, really. A crush maybe, at
most. … Don’t look at me like that, you’re an attractive guy, okay? Don’t look
so surprised.”
The idea itself felt so absolutely unfamiliar and weirdly exciting that Josh
retreated, pulled his legs close, watched Tyler as they sat there, hunched
over, bright red cheeks.
They sat like that for a few moments, Josh’s thoughts racing, hands shaking
slightly against his legs, and he still didn’t know what he was feeling.
“I’ve never been with.. I mean…” He was so agonizingly lost for words that he
felt like punching himself in the face.
“With someone’s who’s not a girl”, Tyler finished the sentence for him, and
Josh could practically see their heart sinking.
“But that doesn’t mean – I don’t think I couldn’t like it, I guess?”
Tyler made a slightly derogatory noise, and Josh gave them a surprised look.
“I don’t think I couldn’t like it”, Tyler repeated in a mocking impersonation
of Josh’s voice, and they couldn’t help the laugh. “You’re weird, Josh.”
“Thanks, Tyler”, Josh said softly, but he pulled Tyler close nonetheless, with
a sudden rush of confidence pressing a kiss to their forehead. Their hair
smelled like shampoo and perfume and Tyler, and he wasn’t exactly sure what all
of this would mean for them in the future, but he hoped that even though he
wasn’t good with words, Tyler would understand.
They huddled together under the sheets, and when Tyler peppered soft kisses
into Josh’s neck until he fell asleep, it didn’t feel wrong at all.
 
A few weeks passed, and nothing had changed.
They were closer than ever, practically living together in Josh’s already
cramped room, and Josh couldn’t help but wonder if Tyler’s parents ever worried
about their kid. He’d never met their parents and Tyler didn’t speak about
them, but Josh grew more and more curious with every day until he couldn’t bite
back the question anymore.
They were sitting at lunch, both of them poking their forks into the
unidentifiable mass of what Josh assumed was supposed to be peas.
“Hey, wanna hang out at your place today?”
Tyler’s gaze shot up to meet Josh’s, shaking their head frantically.
“We can’t do that.”
“Why? We always hang out at mine. I wanna see your house, you know? Meet your
parents and everything.”
Tyler repeated their frantic notion, eyes wild. Josh had never really seen them
like that, and he started to wonder if Tyler had anything to hide.
“We just can’t, okay? Please don’t make me explain.”
“But…”
“Josh, please.” Tyler was pleading with him, and Josh took a mental note of
never bringing that up again.
“Okay. My place it is.”
 
It was already Friday, and for once, Tyler had turned down Josh’s invitation,
telling him they had stuff to do, stuff with their family that they couldn’t
talk about, and Josh found himself worried to no end, sitting alone in his
room, checking his phone every few minutes to see if Tyler had messaged him.
They didn’t text.
Instead, the doorbell went off, and he could hear his mum opening the door
downstairs, rushed noises and surprised shouts and Josh’s door flew open,
revealing a disheveled looking Tyler, a bruise forming on their cheek, crying.
“Oh my God. Tyler!”
Josh practically jumped out of his chair, embracing Tyler in a tight hug as
they shook and cried, and Josh had no idea what had happened, how to react,
just held Tyler as they collapsed into his arms. He pressed soothing patterns
into Tyler’s back, humming into their ear, trying to calm them down, finally
pulling them close enough to pick them up from the ground, cuddling closely
together on his bed.
Josh’s mum poked her head through the door with a worried expression on her
face, but retreated immediately when she saw them on the bed, closing the door
behind her quietly. She knew she probably couldn’t help, and decided that
leaving the two to figure whatever was happening out for themselves would
probably be the best idea.
Tyler slowly, but surely calmed down, their hands still clutched tightly into
Josh’s shirt as if holding onto a lifeline, and Josh kept making soothing
noises, rocking them back and forth until Tyler finally sobbed out, wiping
their eyes with the sleeve of their sweatshirt, and Josh just now noticed the
unusually conventional clothes they were wearing. No bright jacket, no loose
fitted jeans, no cute bow in their hair, and he briefly wondered what that was
about.
“I came out to them”, Tyler whimpered, breathless, with a tiny voice, and Josh
was lost for words.
“Wait, you -”
“I told them about my pronouns, told them that I loved boys, and, my Dad, he..
he just…” Tyler trailed off, on the brink of dissolving into tears again, and
Josh pulled them closer, one hand softly cupping Tyler’s cheek before tangling
into their hair as he held them close, and there was nothing he could say to
help.
“He said I was disgusting”, Tyler whispered, and Josh felt a sudden wave of
burning anger flare up in his chest – anger for parents that should be
understanding and loving, but instead reacted with disappointment and hatred.
“He’s wrong. He’s so wrong.”
“I don’t know if he is, Josh”, Tyler replied with a voice so tiny that Josh
almost had trouble understanding him, but he did, and he couldn’t help but bury
his nose in Tyler’s hair, never being close enough as his hands roamed over
Tyler’s back, wishing he could just once let Tyler see themselves through
Josh’s eyes.
“He’s wrong. He’s totally, completely wrong, Tyler. I know you, the real you.
He doesn’t. I know you’re amazing, and kind, and incredibly smart, talented! –
and so, so lovely.”
Josh didn’t know where the words came from, but they were true, each and
everyone of them, and he kept holding Tyler close, face still buried in their
hair, and if it would take a lifetime to prove to Tyler just how lovely they
were, Josh was willing to go the distance.
They sat in silence for a while, Josh intensely paying attention to each
movement Tyler made until he could be sure they were calming down, and the
heartbeat that had been racing against his chest was slowing, decreasing its
rate, and Josh pulled back slightly to reach out and wipe the tears from
Tyler’s cheeks with both thumbs, framing their face in his palms.
“Lovely”, he repeated, and his lips were on Tyler’s before his mind caught up
with his subconscious movement.
It wasn’t a kiss for the movies, with Tyler’s chapped lips and Josh’s shaking
hands, but it was enough for them, it was safe and warm and loving and Tyler’s
hands were still twisting in Josh’s shirt as they broke the connection, and
Josh had never seen Tyler’s eyes bigger or more honest or more vulnerable. He
pulled them close again, the implications of the moment unimportant for now.
All that mattered was Tyler, and everything else would fall into place at the
given time.
 
The morning came with fog and clouds, and Josh found himself on the edge of
doing something stupid.
Every inch of his skin itched with the need to drive to Tyler’s house and give
their parents a piece of his mind, but instead, he let Tyler go to the bathroom
first, hurrying downstairs to ask his mum if it would be okay if Tyler stayed
for the whole weekend, and maybe even a bit of next week.
Josh had never been more thankful for how understanding his mum was than when
she agreed with no further questions, hugging him quickly and pressing a kiss
to his forehead.
“They can stay for however long it’s needed.”
He wasn’t sure when his parents had stopped adressing Tyler with male pronouns,
but he was certain that this was Ashley’s doing, easing them into the new
situation the way she managed to do with Josh, too, and he made a mental note
of thanking her sometime soon.
The bruise on Tyler’s cheek had deepened into a shade of dark purple, and
everytime Josh’s eyes grazed over it, he felt the anger flare up, the itch in
his fists as he shoved them into the pockets of his sweater, and he made a
promise to himself to never let anyone hurt Tyler ever again.
A week passed, and Tyler stayed.
Their parents didn’t try to call even once.
 
Sunday came sooner than expected, the weekend falling through the gaps of their
intertwined hands like sand in an hourglass.
They were cuddled together under the sheets, rain softly padding against the
window, kisses ghosting on lips, slow and warm and comfortable.
Problems had been pushed aside, looming tasks shoved into the backs of their
minds, and Josh let his hands roam Tyler’s body, map every scar, every delicate
curve, the small of their back, the soft arch of their waist underneath Josh’s
palms. They had slept together like this before, stripped of every cloth except
their underwear, shy hands and careful kisses, but it was different today, the
buzz in Josh’s fingertips unfamiliar, yet exciting.
It felt like falling into place, like stars aligning, or maybe not as big, much
slower, much less of a grand gesture but more of a small victory as their lips
found each other again, and time was standing still, or maybe going too fast,
Josh couldn’t tell. All there was was Tyler, Tyler and their lips on his, their
scent clouding his mind, peppering kisses on every inch they could reach, and
Josh felt like falling apart.
Tyler shifted, granting Josh’s hungry lips access to their neck, softly
whimpering into the cushions as Josh kissed his way down their collarbones,
leaving invisible marks as his tongue drew flat against warm skin, coaxing the
prettiest sounds out of Tyler when he let his hands run smoothly down the sides
of their waist, taking in every bump, every small muscle trembling slightly,
every birthmark he encountered as if he needed to remember every inch, as if he
was an artist laying out a masterpiece underneath his palms.
He didn’t exactly know what he was doing, just knew he needed more, needed
Tyler so much closer, desperately entangling their limbs as he licked along
Tyler’s jaw, along soft stubble he’d never noticed before. He hummed in
contentment as Tyler’s hands roamed his back, nails digging into his waist,
pulling Josh close enough that he could feel the pressure of Tyler’s cock hard
against his hip, whimpering softly as Tyler bucked their hips up, agonizingly
slow, drawing out a tortured gasp from Josh as they rolled their crotch against
his.
The rain accompanied their sighed moans, a staccato of breathless love
confessions against sweaty skin, and it felt as if every puzzle piece was
falling into its rightful place, and Josh slowly began to realize that this was
where he was meant to be, enraptured in quiet hums and slender fingers around
him, rocking against each other in a slow rhythm.
Tyler’s breathing became more shallow, only interrupted by high-pitched sighs
that were muffled against Josh’s skin, lips mouthing without direction or
pattern as Josh let his hand wrap around the lenght of their cock, hard and
heavy in his palm, slightly damp with precum, and the sensation was so mind-
shatteringly overwhelming that he needed a moment, breathlessly trembling above
Tyler, and the pure and unhidden want in Tyler’s gaze was swallowing him whole.
It was as if someone had pulled a lever, all the pent up need pouring into his
body, twisting his stomach into knots, and he pressed down against Tyler, their
legs falling apart without hesitation, welcoming his desperate need to be
closer, to sink into those warm eyes and never return to the surface.
He was completely lost in the moment, no thought interrupting his unhinged
desire for more, more of Tyler, more of this, and when Tyler’s hand started
moving around him, drawing long strokes with twists and flicks of their wrist,
Josh felt like falling apart. Every inch of his body was aching with the effort
of holding himself up, his arm almost giving out with the strain as he
helplessly thrust into Tyler’s hand, the slowly building heat in his veins
close to overwhelmimg him. He could feel Tyler mirroring his movements, hips
meeting Josh’s sloppily as Josh rutted against them, hands caught between their
moving bodies, and Josh realized he’d never dared to think he’d be able to love
anyone as much as he loved Tyler.
Their movements started getting more and more uncoordinated and unsynched, and
with one or two involuntary thrusts his muscles were clenching, mind collapsing
into nothing but white hot fire as he came undone, hardly suppressing a
guttural growl as his eyes fell shut and his forehead fell heavily against
Tyler’s chest, damp hair clinging to smooth skin. His body kept shaking,
subconsciously rocking forward with the slowly decreasing waves of his climax
echoing in his mucles, and Tyler followed shortly after, quietly, whining as
their hips dragged against Josh’s, drawing out the bolts of pleasure chasing
through their bodies.
 
Another week passed, and their parents still hadn’t called.
Tyler found a small apartment close to Josh’s house, and they were able to rent
it with the money they got from working at the local pizza place three times a
week.
The bruise on Tyler’s cheekbone slowly faded, and Josh couldn’t stop kissing
Tyler.
He kissed them at night, when they were cuddled together under too many
blankets and the bad dreams threatened to overwhelm them, he kissed them in the
morning when the chilly spring breeze tickled goosebumps onto their skin, he
kissed them when they were hidden in a far away corner of the school building
and noone was watching.
He started kissing them in front of the cheerleaders when they’d finished a
good practice.
He started kissing them in front of the school, celebrating the first win of
the new football season, and the cheering went through the roof.
He started kissing them in front of his family and friends, and he never wanted
to stop again.
He kissed Tyler in front of an officiant, and when Josh’s lips were on Tyler’s,
the sting of the empty seats reserved for Tyler’s parents didn’t hurt as much,
and it faded to nothingness when Josh’s parents pulled the two of them close,
pressing tear-stained kisses to their cheeks, mumbling about how proud they
were, and how much they were loved, and it was completely forgotten by the time
Josh pulled Tyler close for their first dance as a married couple.
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