Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/8741632.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Haikyuu!!
  Relationship:
      Hinata_Shouyou/Kageyama_Tobio, Sawamura_Daichi/Sugawara_Koushi
  Character:
      Hinata_Shouyou, Kageyama_Tobio, Sawamura_Daichi, Sugawara_Koushi,
      Tsukishima_Kei
  Additional Tags:
      this_is_just_straight_up_crack_okay, it's_not_even_a_fic_it's_an
      unfinished_rp_that_i_decided_to_finish_like_three_months_after_it, is
      this_edited_at_all?, no, it_probably_won't_be_either, i_just_oh_my_god
      why, FUCK, Crack, Dick_Fingers, Masturbation
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-12-04 Words: 4169
****** fucking weird kagehina crack ******
by PrayTheGayAway
Summary
     it's crack, really that's all there is to it. a friend and i decided
     to rp over skype and this is what happened.
     please let my death be a swift one.
Notes
     please keep in mind that we had been up for over 24 hours when
     writing this
See the end of the work for more notes
Hinata bounced and he winked 
Kageyama goes "Tch"
Hinata raised his brow, a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. 
"What are you looking so happy about, idiot?"  He crossed his arms. 
Hinata said nothing, choosing to shake his head while trying not to laugh
instead. 
"Tch!"  Kageyama started to get irritated, while turning around for just a
moment to feel his teeth, checking to make sure nothing is in them.  He turns
back to Hinata with his death glare.
Hinata was determined not to show fear while facing... that. Somehow his wish
was granted and he managed to conquer the king, he dared to shine even brighter
before-- he even laughed (though that was on accident)!
Kageyama began to feel his body twitch in annoyance.  What the fuck was wrong
with the midget?!  Feeling enraged, he began to yell.  "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG
WITH YOUR FACE?!  STOP BEING SO FUCKING CUTE YOU IDIOT!"
Freezing to the spot Hinata felt his face fall as the sudden volume of
Kageyama's voice rushed over him, though he began to thaw out as the actual
meaning of the words followed. "Do you like me?"
Kageyama gasped, slapping a hand over his mouth.  Did he really just blurt out
what he thought he did?  Anger took over his expression, mostly anger at
himself for being such a bakayama.  He gathered his composure.  "Tch.  You're a
boy."
"Oh." Hinata tred not to look dissapointed, though he wasn't entirely sure why
he felt that way to start with (a lie). It wasn't uncommon for boys to shy away
from the thought of being gay, Hinata sure did (usually). "So?"
"So?  Tch!"  Kageyama started angrily trudging away.  "We should clean up."
Hinata refused to budge and that terrified him, but not as much as what his
mouth was saying. "So? So? Are you saying that it's wrong for boys to like
boys? For Suga-senpai and Daichi-senpai to be together?"
Kageyama felt a twitch creeping back up on him again.  He whipped his head
around, glaring at the small boy.  "No!  You're putting words into my mouth,
you shit!"
The smaller boy jumped to his feet and walked over to Kageyama until they were
standing face-to-face (or as close as Hinata could get to that). "Then why is
it so bad that I'm a boy?!"
Kageyama leaned down to meet his face with his glare.    "Why do you care?!"
 He yelled, not breaking eye contact to put emphasis on said glare.
Hinata matched Kageyama's glare with one of his own. "Maybe I don't." He did.
He didn't care.  Great!  For some reason that stung Kageyama a little more than
it should have.  "Tch!"  He stood up and turned away from him, crossing his
arms.
If Hinata was anything, it was stupid and by god was he proving that now by
storming around Kageyama to face him properly. "Why do you care?"
Kageyama shot a glare down at Hinata, one that he wasn't sure left his face in
the first place.  "Because you're annoying and stupid with bad receives and you
won't get out of my head."
"Yeah? Well, you're not so great either with you crappy attitude and evil face-
- Wait, what?" Hinata broke off as suddenly as he started, glare softening into
a frown. "Did you lie to me earlier?"
Kageyama felt his whole body tense up, and his face went straight, though he
still looked ridiculously angry.  He was quiet, not responding.  How was he
supposed to answer that?  After a moment, his lips began to tremble and he
finally blurted out three words.  "I don't know!"
"I don't belive you, you said that I was cute. Cute." Hinata sighed and closed
his eyes for a moment, turning half away from his best friend. "I think you
know that answer, but I'll ask you again either wat. Did you lie when I asked
you if you liked me?"
Kageyama's lips pressed into a thin, straight line.  He didn't want to admit
it.  He didn't want to say it out loud.  That would be like admitting to
himself that he thought of this tiny idiot as something more than... well, a
tiny idiot who managed to spike his tosses.  "Yes."  He spit the word out like
poison on his tongue.  "I lied."  If the first word came out fast, the second
two came out faster as he averted his eyes, focusing on the wall in the
distance.
For a second Hinata forgot to breathe, but then he did and it all came out in
an uncontrolable rush. Orange hair whipped around to stare at Kageyama, not
smiling, but not frowning either. "I lied too when I said that maybe I didn't
care." Hinata looked to the ground, glanced up at Kageyama, then returned his
gaze to the ground once more. "I- um, I like you too."
Kageyama's eyes widened slightly, his mouth falling slightly agape as he stared
down at the boy almost immediately upon hearing his response.  He was quiet for
a long moment, but then swallowed the lump in his throat before forcing the
words out.  "You do?"
A weak, wavering, but relieved smile broke across Hinata's lips as he rolled
his eyes. "Well, yeah."
Kageyama averted his eyes for a moment, looking as though he was deep in
thought before turning to look back at the smaller boy.  He stared at him for a
long moment before one hand reached out and attempted to grab onto the material
of his shirt covering his chest.  He then proceeded to attempt to drag him
closer, lifting him up off his feet a little while glaring into his eyes.
Hinata could have dugs his heels into the floor in an attempt to stop himslelf
by being hauled up from his shirt, but he didn't. His heart was racing, but he
was sure that Kageyama wasn't going to hurt him. No, Hinata was just nervous
about what would change, but maybe nothing had to change. Hinata brought up a
hand to reach against his setter's cheek. "This doesn't change anything,
right?"
Kageyama's hear skipped a beat as he felt small fingers against his cheek.
 After the skipped beat, his heart began racing faster.  "You don't want
anything to change?"  Kageyama had no idea what he was expecting, but he
thought that if they liked each other something was supposed to change.
 Immediately, he jumped to the conclusion that it wasn't the same kind of like.
 Hinata isn't gay.  He told himself, letting loose his grip on Hinata's shirt.
"Mmm, not really. I still want to eat lunch together, race each other, have our
study nights, and play volleyball with you the same as we always have. I don't
want this to let any of that change, I want us to stay like us, just with more
to it." Hinata offered him another small smile, though this time he was much
more unsure of himself.
Kageyama looked flustered, his face slightly reddening at Hinata's words.
 "I...  I want that too."  Suddenly he froze, deeply considering that he should
maybe ask Hinata the question.  "Hinata, do you w-"  He stopped himself.  Who's
to say Hinata even wanted a boyfriend?  Besides, they probably weren't even
compatible.  The little shit had the capability to annoy Kageyama like no
other.  He looked back at him, glaring hard, but not bothering to finish that
sentence.
Hinata's head cocked to the side in confusion as he tried to finish Kageyama's
question. A menagerie of possibilites flitted across his mind, but none of them
stuck. The glare only proved to confuse Hinata more, his hand tensed and then
was pulled back from Kageyama's cheek. "What?"
Kageyama tried again.  "Do you want-"  He stopped, frozen.  Why couldn't he
just ask?  His expression got angrier, his lip twitching.  "Do you-"  He let
out a frustrated groan.  One more time.  He looked back at Hinata, staring at
him a bit too intensely.  "DO YOU WANT TO BE MY BOYFRIEND?!"  He ended up
yelling at him, then upon realizing he'd yelled, he attempted to switch his
expression.  He tried to smile.  A mistake.  It was the smile from hell.
Hinata couldn't stop it if he tried-- the laughter. It burst out of him until
he was red in the face and clutching Kageyama's shoulder for support as he
gasped for breath. It took a bit, but Hinata was eventually able to calm down
enough to throw his arms around the taller boy's neck. "Of course I do."
The laughter flooded in his ears, and Kageyama's smile disappeared quickly,
replaced by the same rage from before only more intense.  (If that was even
possible)  His body began to twitch in irritation, only stopping to freeze when
he felt small arms around his neck.  He looked down at Hinata, swallowing hard
at his answer.  It made his heart flutter.  "Tch."  He averted his eyes, his
cheeks burning hot as one hand made it's way to rest on the smaller boy's
waist.  He was completely unsure of doing so, but he was already in such deep
unknown territory that he just let himself.
A small chuckle was let loose as hinata leaned into the warmth of Kageyama's
hand which was set on his waist. He brought the hand which had been resting
against Kageyama's cheek before back up there once more. His thumb tracing
small circles into the soft skin there.
Kageyama's heart fluttered once more.  "Does this mean... we can..."  His eyes
shifted away, but the comfort of the small circles being traced into his cheek
gave him confidence to speak.  "kiss now?"  He looked back at Hinata.  "Since
your gay?"  He said it as if he obviously wasn't.
"Kageyama, has anyone ever told you that you're an idiot?" Hinata rose himself
up until he was balanced on the balls of his feet and slowly brought his hand
to cup Kageyama's chin, gently tipping it down. "Yes." Unfortunately Hinata was
unable to completely contain his enthusiasm and surged forward.
"Tch."  The response to that was instant.  He probably over-used that reaction,
but he just couldn't stop himself.  It was an instinct now.  He looked down at
Hinata, heart racing as he leaned up toward him.  He allowed him to guide his
chin down, a little nervousness mixed in with his usual angry scowl.  Taking
queue from Hinata, he leaned forward, pressing his lips against his.  They were
surprisingly soft.  He'd thought they'd be harsh for some reason, probably from
how much he used them to talk.  He closed his eyes, twitching a little as he
moved his lips around his, kissing him for a short moment, before pulling back
and opening his eyes.  "H-Hinata..."  He spoke, face on fire.  He'd never had
such a weird feeling surge through his whole body.  Was this what it was like
to kiss someone?  Or just how it was like to kiss Hinata?
Everything in life was always moving in super speeds for Hinata-- the world
raced on by him and it was all he could do to keep up. Or rather that's how it
usually was but for a few exceptions; spiking the ball from the top of the net,
holding his baby sister for the first time, kissing Kageyama. Pressing his lips
against the others was a whole new experience, it was soft, smooth, and warm
all at the same time; there was an intense intimancy about the entire moment
that brought the spiker's face aflame. When Kageyama pulled away Hinata went to
follow him, but pulled back at the last moment not wanting to seem too... much.
"Kag- Kageyama." He pressed a gentle kiss to the setter's cheek. "That was
Whahh!"
When the other kissed him back, his heart slammed into his rib cage,
threatening to break free.  He was stuck there, stunned.  Unable to move as he
felt those same small lips move up and kiss his cheek.  Then his eyes dropped
into slits of annoyance as Hinata spoke.  "You really are an idiot."
"Yeah," he wishpered into Kageyama's ear, "but I'm your idiot now." Hinata
removed his other hand from where it rested around the setter's neck and
trailed it down to Kageyama's chest, tracing the lines through his shirt.
Kageyama's cheeks heated up again.  "H-Hinata?  W-what's gotten into you?"  He
turned to look at the gym door.  Someone could see them.  He thought about that
some more.  Someone might see them.  Someone might see him with Hinata and then
figure out that he was his Hinata.  Having some type of claim on him might make
the others... stay clear.  Hinata was just so fucking cute, that it wouldn't be
long before the predators on the volleyball team figured out he was gay and
tried to take them for their own.  "Tch!"  The thought raced through his mind,
his expression angering.  He grabbed onto Hinata's face with one hand on each
cheek a little too roughly and then leaned down to him, slamming his face
against his.  This time he kissed him much more harshly, moving his lips
rapidly.  His kissing was sloppy, having only done so for the first time
literally a moment ago.  He angrily pulled away, glaring at Hinata's face.
 "WHO ELSE DO YOU LIKE?!"
Moments ago things were fine, if a little wet and sloppy, but it was a good wet
and sloppy, really good. It was almost as good as spiking the ball. Though, it
only lasted for moments then this happy, hot time was doused in ice. The
sunshine face was shrouded in darkness and confusion. "There has never been
anyone else but you! I mean, one time I had this really weird dream about
Tsukishima, but I swear it was really weird and he was only naked to shame me
and my family! And he even said that he was actually you and turned into you
and then maybe you were naked too?" Hinata felt sad and angry tears stream down
his face as he looked at Kageyama. "I'm only horny for you, I swear, I even
have an erection, but you're making it go away with your hateful words."
"T-Tsukishima."  The name fell hatefully from his tongue.  Who cared if he
turned into him in Hinata's dream?  He was still in his dream.  NAKED in his
dream.  Hinata was dreaming about another naked man.  "I'll fucking kill-"  He
began to mumbled under his breath but stopped as Hinata spoke again.  He was...
horny for him?  He... had an erection?  One that was just for him?  His face
was extremely red, despite the fact that he was making it go away.  He
didn't... want it to go away.  Or at least, he didn't think he did.  Trembling,
Kageyama leaned down and put his lips to his ear, brushing against them with
each word as he asked a question.  "Is your dick as little as the rest of you?"
 He asked in a seductive voice.  It was probably the worst question he could
have asked, and he was completely clueless when it came to this.  His eyes
widened when he realized his mistake.  I really am a fucking idiot.
Hinata's anger only grew the more Kageyama spoke. How dare he even think about
killing a fellow member of their team? They needed him to win and wasn't even
like he wanked his yank for Tsukishima-- that was just gross to think about.
Hinata furiously looked away from Kageyama so he wouldn't have to see that
disgustingly cute blush or have to think about erections and dicks and was that
Kageyama coming towards him? A second later and Kageyama was basically eating
his ear, but it was kind of hot and amazing and- "WHAT?!" Hinata twirled around
until he was facing his bitch of a boyfriend and slapped him across the cheek,
but not as hard as he could have (bruises were bad). "MY DCK IS BIG ENOUGH!" He
glared at the offending piece of trash with all his might. "Is your dick as big
as the rest of you? Huh? Huh? Huh?!"
A hand went up to grab Hinata's before it connected with his cheek, but he was
too late.  He grabbed air.  Hinata's reflexes were to fast.  "UNG!"  He rubbed
his cheek angrily with his hand.  What the fuck is his problem?!  I thought he
wanted to be sexy?!  Obviously Kageyama came to the conclusion that he was
right.  He glared down at Hinata fiercely.  He looked taken back for a moment.
 "YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT IT IS!"  He scowled.  "MY DICK IS SO FUCKING BIG,
YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"  He attempted to grab Hinata's
hand and shove is against his pants.  "See?!  Fucking huge!"  He let go of his
hand when he realized how warm it was making him feel and continued to glare.
He tried to hold down his squirming.  "Moron!"  Wait....  Why was he getting so
worked up about something so.... not insulting?
Hinata should have stopped the hand from grabbing his, but some part of him
didn't want to. He had dreams like this where he touched the butt... and the
dick. Was he going to touch the dick? He was almost able to drown out the
screeching at the feeling of the dick. It was like touching marble and hinata
wondered for a moment if it could be carved like stone could. Then he winced
and decided that trying to carve a dick like a stone would not end well. Hinata
glare when Kageyama took the hand away and forcibly shoved his back on the
dick. "I'll put my hands where I want to put my hands!" He breathed. "BAKA!"
Hinata then scowled and looked away again, face so red it felt like steam was
coming out of his ears. "I bet you're too hard to even be insulted properly!"
The hand he'd moved away was back.  Kageyama's face was beat red, and he stood
frozen, staring at the adorable smaller boy in front of him.  He wasn't mad,
but he sure as hell looked it.  Kageyama swallowed hard.  Still, the swallow
wasn't as hard as his dick was now by the second touch.  How was he able to do
such a thing to him?  It was so god damn annoying!  Kageyama, getting used to
the feeling enough to react, glared down at Hinata.  "Really?!"  He moved his
hand down, bending slightly so he could reach before attempting to put his hand
over the outside of Hinata's pants.  "Moron!  See how it fucking feels?!  Tch!"
Hinata's dick lunged out and up the second Kageyama's hand touched his peeper.
"Unnggg," the smaller boy moaned with the pressure on his perfectly average
sized dick. His entire body felt hot all over, but this wasn't just anger...
not anymore, it was kageyhots. Hinata shivered and continued to glare at his
dick-touching pal. Even if the anger was downgraded on his emotional list of
priorities it was still up there. "It feels fucking great, you jerk!" He moved
the dick hand a little bit and anger smirked at the dark haired and red faced
boy. "Yeah? And how does THIS feel?" Hinata moved his hand again, proud of his
achievements. He would win this fight, whatever it was about. He had to
otherwise Kageyama might not respect him as a proper sexual partner and that
would be shameful. His dick was already insulted once, and now twice; he was
not going to let there be a third time.
The sound Hinata made caused Kageyama to jump a little.  He made similar sounds
when playing volleyball, but none of them were quite to that extent.  The
movement in his pants made his eyes widen, and his face flared when Hinata
began to move his hand.  "I.... UGH IT FEELS PRETTY FUCKING GOOD YOU IDIOT!"
 He frowned, moving his hand around his best friend's....  (I can't) area.  "I
BET THAT FEELS EVEN BETTER!"  He yelled at him, voice echoing through the gym.
 "TAKE IT LIKE A FUCKING MAN, YOU IDIOT!"
Hinata's mouth couldn't even properly express the noises that were coming out
of it; they were so many of them. The were angry and the were honry... they
were... hongry. Kageyama's hand was like volleyball jesus descending onto his
peepee and it was amazing... which was horrible. "I AM TAKING IT LIKE A FUCKING
MAN, A MAN HAND FUCKING YOU, AND YEAH, IT FEELS BETTER THAN ANYTHING I'VE EVER
FELT BEFORE!" Hinata ground his hand into Kagayama's scrotum but not in a
painful way. "WHAT ABOUT THAT FUCKING SENSATION? HOW GAY DO YOU FEEL? HOW
FUCKING GAY ARE YOU FOR ME, BITCH?"
Kageyama gasped, throwing his head back for a moment, his eye twitching at the
sheer amount of pleasure the short idiot was inflicting onto his body.  He
tilted his red face back down to look at him.  An angry line set into his
forehead, covered by his dark hair.  ""SO FUCKING GAY FOR YOU HINAT- GAHHHH!"
 He screamed, moving his hand against Hinata, trying to one up him with every
movement of the midget's own hand.  "BUT I'M STILL NOT AS FUCKING GAY AS YOU
ARE FOR ME!"  He screamed.  If there was anyone anywhere near the outside of
the gym, they were probably hearing every word that left his mouth.  Kageyama
looked like the fucking devil's spawn as he glared at Hinata.  "SAY MY FUCKING
NAME, BITCH!"  His free hand grabbed onto Hinata's shoulder.
Hinata was going into maximum overdrive, his entire body shaking from the sheer
force of the pleasure tearing its way through his cockalock and through hs
tiny, spasming body. "WHAGAHHHHH!" He screamed as Kageyama screamed; screaming
in unison their passionate shouts echoed throughout the building which their
sex scent occupied by now. "BITCH, BASTARD, UGHHH, YOU'RE SO MUCH GAYER THAN
ME!" Hinata's mouth was just one continuous yell and sex noise. He moved his
masturbathing hand faster and brought his other hand to the pecs.... the nipple
pecs and tugged. "YOU'RE MY GAY BITCH, BITCHYAMA!"
Kageyama screamed, not realizing Hinata had this side to him.  His scream was
intense, and he moved his hand faster, angrier, rougher.  A shiver went down
his spine at the tug.  What the hell was happening?  This wasn't sex.  This
wasn't normal.  They'd just become boyfriends.  Had Hinata gone crazy?  Had
Hinata hit his head?!  "FUCK YOU!  YOU'RE THE GAYEST OF GAY!"  Bitchyama!  TCH!
 He couldn't believe him.  "NO YOU'RE MY GAY BITCH HINA- H-HINA BITCH!  YOUR
THE ONE WHO HITS MY TOSSES!  I TOSS TO YOU!  WHEN WE FINALLY DO THE DEW YOU'LL
BE THE FUCKING BOTTOM YOU FUCKING.... MIDGET!"  He bit into his neck, way too
angry and way to hard.  Bitch!
Hinata was a lot of things but he wasn't a loser and he wasn't as gay as
Kageyama. His dick fingers might be angy and amazing, but hinata had nipple
fingers AND dick fingers. He wiggled both sets of fingers around and gave
Kageyama a good old set of jazz hands. "Bitch ur so gay that even the gays dont
want to be around you because of how fucking gay you are. And when we finally
do the tangle of naked i might be the bottom but only because I'm the only one
who can handle it in this relationship! And i'll be topping you from the
bottom, KAGAYBITCH!" Hinata did the naughty and slid his hand under the pants
and diddled kageyama's joystick with fury. "admit it"
Kageyama looked angrier and angrier with every fucking word, but he also felt
like he was collapsing under Hinata's fucking stupid jazz fingers.  Right as he
was about to protest his words, a hand slid into his pants.  Kageyama's eyes
shot open wide.  "UNGH!"  He glared.  "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"  He bit
his bottom lip, panting, freaking out, but also feeling pretty fucking good.
 Fuck.  Fuck!  STUPID FUCKING HINATA!  "NO WAY!"  He jammed his hand into the
front of Hinata's pants, diddling so much that it was as though his was playing
with a broken joystick needing more movement to actually fucking work.  "TELL
ME YOU LOVE ME, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"  Yeah.  That would make him the gayest of the
gay.  Kageyama felt he had this in the bag.
It was then that Daichi walked through the gym door, hand-in-hand with
Sugamamma Koushi. Their lips were locked in a tangle of ever loving passion for
all of .00002 before they realized they were not the only ones in the room.
Daichi looked over the team mom’s™ sexy shoulder and put all of the
disappointed father™ he could muster into the glare he sent to his unfortunate
kouhais.
“I am going mcfucking murder your asses if you do not leave my presence in less
than three seconds so help me god.” Suga died harder than Lightning McQueen out
of laughter.
Hinata and Kageyama left the gym in record time, even though their pleasure
centers were out. It was pretty impressive.
Daichi sighed.
End Notes
     i am so sorry
     also really my only reason for posting this was to make you guys
     laugh so hopefully that happened ??????
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