Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/11480313.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Neon_Genesis_Evangelion
  Relationship:
      Ikari_Shinji/Nagisa_Kaworu
  Character:
      Ikari_Shinji, Nagisa_Kaworu
  Additional Tags:
      SHINKAWO, u_read_it_rite, shinji_is_topping, dubcon, Internalized
      Homophobia, Angst, So_much_angst, manga!kaworu, shinji_is_a_trainwreck_as
      in_Eoe, Anal_Sex, Anal_Fingering, Blood, Painful_Sex, Dubious_Consent,
      Smut, What-If, after_the_infamous_hyperventilation_kissing_scene
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-07-12 Words: 1347
****** You want me to love you? ******
by de_sidera
Summary
     Shinji pulled out his finger and observed his enemy: open, and yet
     without the cavernous voracity of a woman. Unnaturally open, clean,
     like a wound.
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
All the bodies are foreign. A kiss is an attack. That's why Shinji pushed him
away. Like everybody else, angels, men, women, everybody, everybody was the
enemy, even him - who had entered his life with that horrifying innocence,
looked for him, touched him, and now this – now he was watching him unpunished,
and saying cold words about love. While Shinji was standing on his elbows,
frightened and confused, at the head of the bed, with a hot pain under the
pants zipper. He felt under his control. He felt under attack. Kaworu was so
beautiful; more than anything, this made him a monster.
“You want me to love you?”
Kaworu nodded. Did he expect love to be pulled out of the desk drawer and
handed at him immediately?
Shinji sat. His wrists, his voice, were trembling. “Let's do a thing.”
He scanned the enemy's eyes for a trace of alert but found none - there was
just clear expectation – he grabbed his shoulders and slowly lead him to lie
down. He was the most scared of the two because he knew what was about to
happen. Kaworu didn't understand. Kaworu trusted him. He trusted him. He was
exposing himself to Shinji. Shinji found him vulnerable and felt pity for him.
Then he felt relief, he understood he could save himself and overpower him. But
first he felt pity, and when he licked his lower lip and felt a sweet pain
between his legs and said “I'm taking off your pants now” it was still there,
the bitter taste of pity.
Kaworu was silent. The signs of confusion on his face, supported by curiosity,
were visible - as if he was learning a new skill and knew he even lacked the
knowledge to understand the meaning of certain preparatory steps. This is why
he didn't hinder Shinji nor did he have the readiness to help him. He let
himself be undressed like a doll, even his underpants – that Shinji had the
cowardice not to mention - he looked at him intently, as if he hoped to grasp
on Shinji's face the meaning of those new and unknown gestures. Rei Ayanami
crossed the Third Children's mind and went away like a sharp pain. Kaworu
remained, his legs naked, the penis almost glabrous, and a casualness that
resembled the most tested intimacy. With the t-shirt still on, it seemed he had
quickly prepared himself to be used. Shinji started giving Kaworu's gestures
the meaning of his obsessions, so as to understand him, to imprison him.
He gave a warm sigh. He frowned, biting his lip. He was still afraid of that
body: he didn't know what to do. He had been browsing pornography during
sleepless nights at the konbini; he had been touching himself while giving his
school crushes the plot of those disgusting things. But he had never thought of
a body like that - so similar to his own – to use it for... He gave another
trembling sigh and fearfully touched the white recess of those legs, asking
them to part. He would do something, whatever felt right, he wasn't the most
confused one after all.
Kaworu watched more and more silently, more and more astonished - he must have
thought himself at the peak of an intellectual indoctrination. Then he emitted
a moan of uneasiness and was started on another path, decided by Shinji,
controlled by no one.
"What's this? It feels like going the bathroom. "
"No, no... wait..." Shinji changed his finger, gave it a rhythm, and Kaworu had
a different moan, like a flower.
Shinji pulled out his finger and observed his enemy: open, and yet without the
cavernous voracity of a woman. Unnaturally open, clean, like a wound.
He lowered his trousers with an abrupt gesture, which left red stripes on his
buttocks, and was on him. Penetrating hurt him, and yet he did not care. To
have his belly between someone's buttocks, someone, how long he had hidden that
brutal desire – to erase all the others.
Kaworu gave a choked groan - then the painful thread of a scream - and
contracted head to toe while Shinji, lost in his own satisfaction, ignored him.
Fully conjoined to him, he came back to his face and found it profaned. Kaworu
looked in the void, his mouth bent open in pain. He gave broken groans, like
cracks that opened on a wall. His chest and his own went up and down, sweaty,
one above the other, driven by different tides.
“Kaworu?”
“It hu... ah...”
Shinji watched him suffer under his own body, shaken and rapt. It was not the
Kaworu he knew. Seeing him like that, he felt closer to him, he wanted him to
keep on suffering, to keep on being this similar to him... he helplessly
watched this thread of violence and emotion plumb into his loins. Then he
encircled Kaworu's hips. Planted the nails in his white flesh, holding back the
urgency, till the last. Then he started destroying him.
They both shouted and groaned, two different tragedies, mixed in the same
pleasure - yet they were alone, and weeping different tears. Shinji pushed
deeply, more and more deeply, his pain into the other, finally invading, and
not being invaded, finally hurting, and not being hurt, finally dominating, not
being dominated, finally reducing someone to powerlessness, taking them to his
own level, finally crushing them, staying with them. Kaworu had lost himself.
His mind shut away, he was all body, and all the extremes the human body could
be taken to - he was experiencing them at the same time. It didn't hurt, it
didn't feel good, it felt like his chest was on the verge of splitting and his
soul ready to explode away. Rei Ayanami crossed the mind of the Fifth Children
and left like a prophecy.
Then he caught his breath.
Shinji had stopped. He was gently passing his fingers around the white navel,
the red marks he had left, the nice heat the skin emanated, the tender sobs
that shook it. "Touch yourself."
"...wha?"
"Yes, like ... don't you even... ?"
Kaworu blinked his glittery eyes and said nothing, with his semi open mouth
that Shinji read as desire. He gently took his hand and led him to hold his own
penis, so far abandoned in a physiological turgor. He slid it up and down,
until Kaworu got the right pace, and then let him do it, and smiled at him
timidly. Then Kaworu's crumpled look became soft and intense. He masturbated
for him, and stared at him, while Shinji, spellbound himself, softly grinded
his pelvis, still filling him up to the brim. Someone who got dirty for him.
Someone who wanted him. Someone who wanted him. Frightened by his desire, he
had no pity - he destroyed what he wanted before he could grasp it. He was ass
fucking a boy. This was all he could aspire to. Disgusting. “Feel it, faggot”
he thought, savoring Kaworu's humiliation under him, letting this thought come
back and stab him.
“How long are you taking to cum.”
Kaworu struggled to mold his breath in a few words. "I want, I want this moment
to last, because..."
Shinji grabbed his wrist, snatched it off and started fucking and jerking him
off furiously. Those sweet words, that look, they shouldn't have been there,
they must not. Kaworu let himself go. He breathed heavily, wept softly, and let
the sensations dig him as if he had decided to die. He came with a desperate
silence, tensing and arching his back, as if struck at the heart, and took
Shinji with him.
Kaworu's thighs were dirty with blood, and his chest was dirty with sperm, up
until his lips. The Third Children contemplated what he had done and realized
he could not handle it. Kaworu's eyes were empty. How to take leave from that
wreck? Trembling, he approached his cheeks so red, once so white.
He gave him a gentle, coward kiss, on the clean side of his mouth. Then he
started crying. He had said two opposite lies. One to Kaworu, the other to
himself.
End Notes
     1) as usual, English is not my mother tongue, so please tell me if
     you noticed grammar mistakes and I will correct them asap.
     2) *bumps fist on table* So. Here's my theory. I've never understood
     why Kaworu -manga, anime, rebuild Kaworu - should be the one
     "naturally" topping Shinji. He's an angel, he probably doesn't even
     know he has a penis. While Shinji, well. He is sexual frustration
     itself and he would probably bang the shit out of anything if he just
     overcame his self hatred. Also I bet he doesn't enjoy being passive
     in bed, because it's what he hates about his daily life - on the
     contrary I think he wants the power to do as he pleases in bed, he
     wants to be in control. Anime and rebuild Kaworu are eager to please
     him (and interested in human relationships in general) while having
     no emotional needs apparently, so they'd make very permissive and
     generous bottoms.
     (Unfortunately I don't think Shinji is mature/healthy enough to
     handle manga Kaworu properly so here's the thing.)
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