Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1347040.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      Star_Wars_-_All_Media_Types, Star_Wars:_Republic_Commando_Series_-_Karen
      Traviss, Star_Wars:_The_Clone_Wars_(2008)_-_All_Media_Types, Star_Wars:
      Clone_Wars_(2003)_-_All_Media_Types
  Character:
      OC_-_Character, Kal_Skirata, Walon_Vau, Null-6_|_Kom'rk_Skirata, Null-7_|
      Mereel_Skirata, Ovolot_Qail_Uthan
  Additional Tags:
      Clone_Wars, Clan_Skirata_-_Freeform, Repubic_Commando
  Series:
      Part 1 of Wire_Universe
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-03-21 Completed: 2014-03-27 Chapters: 53/53 Words: 32227
****** Whispers of Wire ******
by MsLanna
Summary
     Finding your own place in the galaxy is not easy if you start out as
     a plaything of Kyr'tsad. But it is not impossible even if the Clone
     Wars might not be the best background. Because where there is
     Kyr'tsad, Mandalorians may not be far away. And they have their own
     way of saving people.
Notes
     I am not sure how explicit things are, but there is a lot of non-con,
     violence, abuse and torture especially at the beginning and end of
     the story. I am not joking.
     The story is written mostly in diary format with other people's vigs
     interspersed. I considered posting a seperate thread for the add-ons
     but decided against it.
     Let me know if I forgot to add the Mando'a translations. ^.^'
     [http://i.imgur.com/QkfHjzU.jpg]
***** Chapter 1 *****
1.)_19_BBY
 
How do you leave a legacy?
I don't know. I really have no idea. And maybe I don't have anything to leave
either. I will leave that to others to judge. So this is my attempt at a
legacy. Maybe somebody will find it someday and think it worth keeping. Maybe
not. When I look around and see what is left, I think 'not' is more likely. I
want to believe but I can't count the days anymore.
At first I was sure they'd come for me. How could they not? But I feel like
breaking. I feel like taking the coward's way out and give up. But I cannot,
not without making the last and most feeble attempts at sanity. Maybe there is
at least understanding then. And maybe I am wrong and a black fire is
approaching in white rage.
My name it Tera Nuh. I cannot remember the time when it has not been. I cannot
remember green pastures. I cannot remember the faces of my parents, if they
were happy or not. They were farmers. I think. And one of them had dark hair
and dark eyes. More than that, I know nothing. The vague images of sunshine on
my face and voices might have come a lot later or just be imaginations.
I don't even know where to start. There seem to be so many things that all
turned out to be important. Maybe I can put them all back together. Maybe it
will make more sense than it does now. It is not as if I had anything else to
do.
I was born.
I grew up.
I must have learnt to read and to write, and to do all the little things that
people do.
I cannot remember, though.
Sometimes I wished I could.
It would be nice to have those memories instead of - the ones that are still
there.
You cannot see me smile. That might be all for the better. I don't know. I know
nothing much from before the day that I reckon as my first. Everything I learnt
before is dark. I can read and write and do all the small things humans do. And
then some.
Maybe I shall start with the some. Start at my second first day among the
living.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
2.)_35_BBY
 
Somebody kicked me in the face. It was not a very hard kick but it hurt like
hell nevertheless. I tried to open my eyes, but mostly fail. They are crusted
with blood, swollen, I can barely see. The reason my face hurts so badly
despite the relatively soft kick is that my nose is broken. I don't know how I
know, I cannot see it and all I can feel is pain.
"Moti!"
I try to get up. A foot catches me in the ribs and the pain shoots through my
whole body. I try to scream, but there's but a hoarse screech. People laugh. I
am good sport. But I don't fall to the ground again. That would not help any. I
get up. First on hands and knees, then only my knees and finally I stand on
wobbly legs.
"Shaadla!"
I don't know where to, so I get pushed around until the general direction is
correct. If only I knew what they want. The same as usual, a small voice tells
me in my head. I can't remember 'usual'. That is just as well, the voice says.
There is blood on my hands, the nails are all broken off. I try to run a hand
trough my hair but I don't feel much. Pain, yes, but that is a given. If I had
the time to concentrate, I might find a bit of me that doesn't hurt. Maybe.
I find trays. I take one and bring it back, careful not to trip. I step over a
leg placed in my way. There is laughter. Somebody claps me on the back and I
stumble. There is more laughter as I get pulled up again. There are a few hits
I don't really know where they land and I find myself off again. Next tray,
next attempt.
Their rough voices follow me through the whole day, as do the occasional hits
and kicks. I don't remember much in detail. It seems that after the first
impression of being me again, it was easier to just have a general impression
of the things going on.
"K'olar!"
That voice I remember. And it scares me. I know not why. A hand grabs my
shoulder and steadies me. This is a first. I steal a glance to the side, but
there is no face. Crimson steel stares back at me and a black slit into a
bottomless abyss. Parts of me remember now. But it is too late, not that I
could have run. I look at the broken nails and know I tried to fight.
I know that nothing helps. And I start to remember. The voice was right that it
was better to forget. With his hand on my shoulder steering me along I cannot,
though. For a moment I wonder how old I am. Then I wonder if it matters at all.
Probably not.
I wonder how I could forget, because this is nothing new. I hurt and it is
coming back to me now why. And as he wraps his hand around my neck, I
understand why I would want to forget. He can see in the dark and I cannot. The
door closes behind him.
"K'olar."
The dark whisper is metallic and so is the taste on my tongue. Maybe it is just
blood again. My back burns as if on fire when he puts his hand on it, but of
course there is no place to scream. I wonder when if he took the metal from his
face. I cannot see but I want to think about something else, anything. Anything
is better than to know. Though there is just a skin's breadth of space and time
to be someplace else in my head. Maybe I should be grateful for the pains all
over me that are louder than anything else I might feel as his crimson drowns
my consciousness.
Chapter End Notes
     Moti! - Stand!
     Shaadla! - Move!
     K'olar! - Come here!
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
3.)_35_BBY
 
I wake up because it is rather difficult to stay asleep when he decided it is
time to start the day. He knows I will wake up, of course. I think it is part
of the fun. I am still good sport. Most of the aches are healed and there are
not many new ones lately. Sometimes I think, I might, maybe, one day live
without any pain. Any except this, that is.
But you get used to it. I tell myself. It is but a split morning and the pain
will recede through the day. Until nightfall. I try not to think about it too
much. I am free with a final grunt and shoved out to get breakfast. I can walk.
It is not so bad anymore.
I don't know how many days have passed. In the beginning I tried to count them
but that was too painful. Because each day counted meant - this - counted. Over
and over, again and again. I did not want to count. I wanted to forget but that
small voice told me it was too late for that. I had come back and here I was.
Suck it up.
So I did.
Each and every time.
"Lor'vam copaani," I tell the one in the kitchens. I should be able to tell
them apart but somehow I can't. I should look at them in more detail, but I
can't make myself. I know that crimson rules my life and that is hard enough to
bear. A tray is thrust into my hands and I wander off again.
There was a lot of crimson in my life back then, some of it even on me, though
those were shot through with blue and sickly yellows. There were not so many
pains anymore, but 'less' in comparison with what I knew when I came to was a
broad word.
He eats.
He shows me how to clean his armour plates.
He watches.
He hits my fingers if I do something wrong.'
There are a lot of plates. There are jumpsuits to mend. I can sew.
He looks down at my bent neck and bends it a little further.
I close my eyes.
There is a foul taste in my mouth as I work again. My fingers hurt and they
have red marks on them. The nails are mostly broken, but not at a bleeding
point anymore.
"Tengaana norac!"
And I obey as there is nothing else to do. The smell of burnt flesh is
nauseating. To me, not to him. I do not want to know what they do to my back.
He pushes me down on it roughly as soon as they are finished. The pain of it
drowns out everything else. I should be grateful for that. Maybe.
Chapter End Notes
     Lor'vam copaani. - He wants breakfast.
     Tengaana norac! - Show your back!
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
4.) 34 BBY
 
I concentrate on the beskar, that is the safest. It is dirty and scraped again.
It always is when they return. I do not want to know from where and what. I
pick up the pieces and get to work. Keeping my head down, that is one of the
secrets. It goes a long way with most of them who will ignore me. It might get
Crimson excited but that is better than angry.
"Ni vaabi bic," I say with a smile and take the damaged armour.
He pats my head. "Jate Dal'ika." No innuendo. As yet. "Tion norac?"
I don't even flinch anymore. I just take off my shirt. Still no innuendo,
though there is more to see than before. They scrutinise my back. Whatever they
are doing with it, they seem satisfied. For now. He shoos me away.
Tidying up the armour is a never-ending story. But it is better than the other
things I get to do. And I am good at the maintenance. Probably because it is
fun. Probably because I am so meticulous about it so it takes more time. My
fingers don't get hurt anymore. They are valuable to keep the armour in good
shape.
"Jate." He lets me help put the armour on. I understand the workings now, how
the pieces come together. The black streaks I remove are shots from blasters.
They fight. They kill people and take their money, or they take money to kill
people. It is all the same to them.
"Ib'tuur jatne tuur ash'ad kyr'amur," he tells me with a broad grin before
putting on the helmet.
I nod. If he dies, I am fair game again. I don't like his game, but I don't
think anybody else will be any better. "Akaani jate."
They leave and those left behind go on about their business. A green one looks
me up and down. There is never enough work in the kitchen. But at least he is
not into pain. Not much. And so I am not in much pain when they return. Louder
than usually, laughing, joking, throwing something to the ground in the main
hall.
I go to the kitchen. Men will need to drink at times like this. I can hear the
sounds of their amusement, interspersed with tiny squeaks and sobs. I bring
beer. I bring nuts. I am going here and there. They ignore me because the other
one is more fun.
Crimson takes my arm. He pulls me through the crowd. He is drunk and reckless.
He kicks the bundle on the floor and it rolls onto its back. She looks
miserable, beat and bloody. She can't even cry anymore, let alone move. I know
what she feels like. A dark abyss in my mind opens up and threatens to swallow
me again. I remember too much.
They put a bar in my hand. "Mhi cuy. Ke'vaabi!"
I stare at the girl. I stare at them. I raise the bar and the darkness breaks
loose. It catches Crimson across the collarbone. Then it turns back on me and
the world explodes in a way I remember too well.
Chapter End Notes
     Ni vaabi bic. - I'll do that.
     Jate Dal'ika. Tion norac? - Good, little woman. How's the back?
     Ib'tuur jatne tuur ash'ad kyr'amur. - Today is a good day for
     somebody else to die.
     Akaani jate. - Fight well.
     Mhi cuy. Ke'vaabi! - You're one of us. Do it!
***** Chapter 5 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
 
5.) 34 BBY
 
Somebody kicks me into the face. It's not a very hard kick but it hurts like
hell nevertheless. I try to open my eyes, but mostly fail. They are crusted
with blood, swollen, I can barely see. The reason my face hurts so badly
despite the relatively soft kick is that my nose is broken. I don't know how I
know, I cannot see it and all I can feel is pain.
"Moti!"
I start to get up. A foot catches me in the ribs and the pain shoots through my
whole body. I have been here before. I don't scream. Crimson drags me away
muttering.
He cleans me up.
It is not all he does while applying water and soap and the lye burns in my
wounds and makes me wince and squirm. There is more to clean up afterwards, he
leaves me to it. I can almost see again. I hurt all over, outside and inside
too. My back is on fire.
"Ner cuy," he whispers hoarsely into my ear.
"Cuun cuy." Their voices resound in my head. The stink is insufferable. The
girl is lying at their feet cowering in panic and pain. Her back is burnt, red
all over; on fire as mine is. A huge ugly welt and image is forming there. I
don't want to see it. I never wanted to know what they did to my back.
Crimson clamps his hand around my neck. "Gar cuy cuun," his breath scorches my
ear. "Darasuum."
One of the others drags the girl away who dares to glance at me and is rewarded
with an elbow in her ribs for it.
I get back to work on crimson armour. I ignore the screams I hear. Everybody
else does so, too. I know what will happen if I don't. If I could, I would cry
now. And I realise they will do it again. And each time I refuse, this will
happen again. But I do not want to be one of them. I don't think I can.
Chapter End Notes
     Moti! - Stand!
     Ner cuy- - You're mine.
     Cuun cuy. - You're ours.
     Gar cuy cuun, Darasuum. - You belong to us. Forever.
***** Chapter 6 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
6.)_33_BBY
 
The girl, she is a fast learner. She doesn't scream for long. She obeys. She
looks at her one as if he was a revelation. She is young. He probably was. She
doesn't look at me. I am a failure. It does not count that I didn't take the
bar to her. She joins in their jokes and violence. She doesn't mind to go away
with any of them. She has sold herself to be free of the pain. Or most of it.
She wears their armour now. It all went so fast. I can't remember if it took
long. I feel the same all the time. I don't count the days. She stands among
them and laughs. Her eyes are vicious and they don't linger on me. She is one
of them. I only belong to one of them.
Crimson knows it. He feels it and he lets me feel it in return.
"Gedeti!"
But I can't and then I am unable to. The ground is cold against my face and my
back is burning, burning again. My nose scrapes against the ground until it
bleeds. It keeps being scraped against the ground for a long time after that.
Crimson is frustrated. He deals with me in the only ways he knows. And they
still hold my arms firmly to the ground because it is the only way to ensure I
don't squirm much when they imprint my back with fire.
It is slightly better than the kicks into the stomach. I do not know what good
they are for.
I am a liar.
I know.
And I also know that it works. When I wipe up my own vomit and my belly cramps,
once again, after such a beating. They know what they are doing. Among all the
bleeding I might never have thought of it, but for those moments. And a beating
now and then was cheaper than any other precaution and also more fun.
She handles their weapons now and points them at me nonchalantly. The only
bruises she has are from the fighting and when she allows one of them to play
rough. Nobody needs a permission to play rough with me. I am fair game. Which
is not really fair. But then this is life which has nothing to do with fair.
She grins at me and kicks me because she can. They laugh and clap her on the
shoulders. Crimson is not interested in what they do as long as my fingers are
fine. They do not need my fingers at all.
And then they return again, not alone and the laughter is expectant as Crimson
drags me into the circle. They all know what comes next and so do I. I do not
want this. I really, really don't. But I have no choice. I take the club they
put into my hand. Maybe a single blow would be enough? But what does it matter?
I weigh the wood in my hand. Inside I brace for the pain. There is no place to
retreat to but the inside of my head and that is no shelter at all. If I could,
I would cry now. I raise the staff and the bit of person quivers below me. Then
I swing the weapon as hard as I can and hope my plan is feasible at all.
 
Chapter End Notes
     Gedeti! - Beg!
     Should you wonder about the scarring on her back, you can find a
     badly photoshopped approximation here.
***** Chapter 7 *****
7.)_33_BBY
 
Maybe it is because no matter how much you want to and try to and strain to,
the ability to hit yourself is limited. I still stand, barely. I hear a lot of
shouting now. Voices unknown and the people are running around like ants into
whose home somebody had thrown a stone.
The girl still lies on the ground and whimpers. She shies away from me. I
cannot help her. My head swims, because I managed to hit myself in the end, if
not as strong as I had wanted. I didn't even faint.
Nobody is looking at me.
And I run.
If I can make it to the door, I can make it outside. If I can make it outside,
I can make it to the vehicles. If I can make it to the vehicles, I can steal
one. If I can steal on, I can leave. I have nowhere to go, but this is the one
mad dash I will get. I know it. This is now or never.
I pass Crimson in the corridor and he bellows after me. Repercussions will be
bad when I can't make it, but I am running, fuelled by adrenaline and hope. He
throws something at me and it buries itself in my back. I have to time to
scream. I run.
And then there are more of them. A black one, a brown one, a red one. I don't
care. They will kill you, whispers the small voice in my head. Yes, I reply.
YES!
Picking up the nearest item I throw myself at them. The black one reaches out
and a hit of his gauntlet against my temple turns the world to black.
***** Chapter 8 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
8.)_33_BBY
 
I wake up with a headache. In panic I look around, but the surroundings are all
strange. So is the bed I lie on. Alone. All on my own. I look around and there
is nobody in the room with me. I try to sit up and my head protests. I don't
care.
I wear nothing but a nightshirt. But there is no pain, except of that headache.
I put a hand to my head and there is a bulge where the gauntlet caught my
temple and where I managed to hit myself. The former is way bigger, though. I
wonder where he is, the black one, the one who hit me. I wonder what he plans
to do with me. And I really, really do wonder, because he is not here. A dark
voice inside me hopes that he killed Crimson. I might be able to feel a tiny
little bit grateful for that, no matter what he was about to do.
The door opens and a man comes in. No metal face, a real man. I stare, I think
I gape and then I close my mouth.
He smiles carefully. "How do you feel?"
I have to disentangle the words in my head. I know the language, but I can't
remember when I heard it the last time. It doesn't come back to me either.
"Jate?" I volunteer.
He smiles a little more and nods. "Tion lor'vam copaani?"
I wait cautiously for the catch to show it self but he doesn't look as if he is
to throw himself at me any moment. His face is angular and dominated by a huge
forehead. His eyes - there is something about his eyes. They look at me
strange. I feel I should recognise it but I don't.
Finally he just nods and leaves.
After a while he returns with a tray laden with food. He puts it down on the
table beside my bed. "Haili cetare." He smiles encouragingly before he leaves
again.
For the longest time I just look at the food. Bread. Cheese. Milk and water. I
see fresh fruit. Then I dig in as if I had never eaten in my life. I feel all
new and almost shiny. There are no pains. I must have died and gone to heaven.
For now. I finish the food, picking up the last crumbs, licking my fingers.
Then I get up. I wonder what he wants from me. There is a jumpsuit lying over a
chair. It is old, but well kept, mended with care like I used to mend. I put it
on and feel - strange. Clean. Lost.
The door opens and there he is again, still smiling. "Jate, gar moti." He
gestures towards the door. "Shekemi, gedet'ye."
I can't remember the last time anybody had said 'please' to me. I don't think
it ever happened. Not after day one. I glance at the door, and he just waits.
Then I go. There is but a house behind the door. A house with many doors and
probably people. I can hear them, but not see them. I look around. He is
following me.
A woman with dark hair comes out of a room. She smiles too. "You're up."
"Shi jorhaa'i Mando'a," the man tells her. "Dush tome'tayl ti kyr'tsad."
The woman looks sad suddenly, but keeps smiling. "N'eparavu takisit, ad'ika.
Nu'ru'kar'tayli. Rav." She puts a fist on her chest and repeats the last word.
Then she points at the man. "Kal."
I look from one to the other. "Rav," I repeat as if to myself. "Kal."
They nod and she extends her hand. "Tion gar gai?"
   I don't understand. She repeats. Then she repeats her name and Kal's and
points at me and I understand. But I have no answer. I cannot remember what I
was called before my world turned crimson. "      Dal'ika      ?" I guess. It
was the thing he called me when in a good mood. In bad moods, I didn't get a
name at all.
Rav shakes her head. "Gai nu'cuy. Mhi ven'mar'eyi gai, ad'ika." She takes my
hand and shows me the house. The doors are not locked. I look outside and the
plain is full of snow. I close my eyes and inhale the freezing air.
"She cannot stay," she says behind me to him. I think he nods, but he doesn't
say anything.
 
Chapter End Notes
     Jate - good
     Tion lor'vam copaani? - Do you want some breakfast?
     Haili cetare - Fill your boots, dig in
     Jate, gar moti. - Good, you're up.
     Shekemi, gedet'ye. - Follow me, please.
     Shi jorhaa'i Mando'a. Dush tome'tayl ti kyr'tsad. - She only speaks
     Mando'a. She has bad memories from the Death Watch.
     N'eparavu takisit, ad'ika. Nu'ru'kar'tayli. - I'm sorry, child. I
     didn't know.
     Tion gar gai? - What's your name?
     Dal'ika - little woman
     Gai nu'cuy. Mhi ven'mar'eyi gai, ad'ika. That's not a name. We will
     find a name, child.
***** Walon Vau: Prologue *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Death Watch now, he had no problem putting them out of their misery. Shabla
hut'uuneall of them. They made good adversaries because they had the same
equipment. It was a challenge you didn't often get. Of course, he had to share
it with Skirata. Shabla, soft hearted di'kut. But when there is a chance to
fight against what Kal perceives a threat to the Mando name, he'd be there.
Osik.
They broke through the doors in unison and shouts began to echo down the
corridors as they force their way. They were not being expected and Walon Vau
noted with a certain disgust that some of the idiots had already armoured down.
It was much too easy taking them out. He hoped that at least some of them had
their wits and full armour still about them.
The first batch went down like flies. Their scout, Korena didn’t even bother to
raise her blaster. She was mapping the corridors and scanning for the target.
Then she relayed the information to the displays of her two hunting partners.
Most of the opponents were in the main room. These guys were just too
predictable. But they got the wrong toy this time. Credits ran in the family of
the girl and her father was put out at the idea somebody should dare to capture
his little princess. Vau hoped he'd manage to live with the shape in which they
would likely bring her back.
Kal was intent on getting towards the centre of the house, the large room into
which most of the other rooms open. The girl wouldn’t be dead by a long
stretch, but he was too soft. Always will be and that Ilippi left him taking
the kids with her did not help any. Still he tried be a tough nut. It was
almost pathetic. But he kept going and his anger could fuel some good work.
A man in crimson armour appeared at the other end of the corridor, shouting.
Only then Vau saw the tiny bit of person running towards them with madness in
her eyes. Her face was drawn, dirty and bleeding. The red-armoured chakaar
threw something that buried itself in her back but she didn’t even slow down.
He wasn’t sure she even noticed.
Then she saw them coming towards her and her eyes broke. Picking up something
from the floor in full run, an amazing feat, actually, she tried to attack.
Silly bit. Now this was pathetic. A short blow of Vau’s arm struck the girl
unconscious. They had no time for this.
A well-aimed shot from Kal threw the crimson clad enemy back against a wall.
Within seconds he was turned into a modern-art sieve. Red flew from the spaces
between the armour plates and joints, joining the crimson colour of his plates.
A last shot to where a sensible Mandalorian would be wearing a neck seal and he
was done for. Not as good a sport as expected. Death Watch was losing it. A
shame, really.
As expected the girl they were looking for was still alive and seemed ready for
transport. When she saw Kal she conveniently fainted. And that kid was supposed
to be worth twenty grand? Vau was not going to judge. He would keep his mouth
shut and the money. That was the deal.
Korena picked the girl up and they began and uneventful way back. That was the
problem you got, when there had not been many enemies to start with and you
killed them all on the way in. It was a pity there had not been more of them,
Vau mused. it paid to cull as many of them in a go as possible since nobody
bothered to tell apart Death Watch from Mandalorians. And that was often very
bad business.
On the way out they passed by that crazy bit again. She still lay unconscious,
face down, arms sprawled at an uncomfortable but not unnatural angle. Vau
couldn’t help noticing the knife sticking out of her back. It was a beauty. As
a connoisseur of weapons, he knew craftsmanship when he saw it and he
definitely saw some now. Knives like that didn’t come cheap.
The deceased owner certainly had no more use for it and it would be an utter
shame to let it go to waste like that. Vau crouched down and plucked it from
the girl’s back. She didn’t even wince. He tried to wipe the blood off on her
shirt, which was a task in itself.
And then Kal's do-gooder instinct kicked in as a glaring scar became visible on
the small of her back. Come to think of it, there was a bit looking out of her
collar as well. Kal was down beside her in a second but Vau got up. This was
not his problem.
The scar reached all over the girl’s back. An ugly weld, the middle spikes of
the emblem reaching from her tail-bone up to the hair line at her neck. The
outer wings of the stylised W covered her shoulder blades, the middle almost
embracing her waist to her rib cage.
It is a good thing that they checked on the life signs of those killed, Vau
mused. Because if there had been any doubt about it, Kal would just have gone
back now and killed them dead again. And then some. Soft di'kut.
He could see the other Mandalorian bristle from where he stood. But it was too
late now. Kal was unstoppable. He lugged the kid over his shoulder, there's not
much to carry with her, though. Her bones seemed ready to poke through her skin
from their own accord. And still she would have fought. He would put his money
on her rather than Korena's load. Vau shook his head again. It was not his
problem.
Chapter End Notes
     Shabla hut'uune - fucking cowards
     di'kut - idiot
     Osik - shit
     chakaar - general term of abuse
***** Chapter 10 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
9.)_33_BBY
 
I wake up and there is no pain. The bed beside me is empty. This is Kal's house
and he is different. Kyr'tsad he called them and made a disgusted face. And Rav
made a disgusted face too and gave me sweet cake with nuts on top.
Pity.
That is the thing in their eyes I could not place. They pity me. And the longer
I stay and look around the more I understand why. Or not. I am disgusted. With
myself, too. I am not a person, I am defiled, dirty, ugly - unmentionable. I
don't look at my body which cannot be made right again. I ball my hands into
fist and wish I was dead because nothing can make me right again. I should not
be. I am an insult.
But Kal looks at me with those blue eyes and I cannot tell him. I do not want
him to see how corrupted I have become, how foul they made me. They talk about
sending me away. I approve and I am scared. I like it here where there is
nothing to do but simple house work and nobody plays rough with me and nobody
hurts me.
Rav shows me small things that people do. Kal is away a lot and looks unhappy
most of the time. I do not ask and Rav does not explain, but she looks at me in
a way that says she knows, she sees it too, but there is nothing to be done
about it. I make cake with nut topping and it tastes almost as good as hers.
Kal approves and I feel glowing.
"Jate, ad'ika," he says, because I flinch when he calls me little woman. He
could also call me Tera, but names are for people who don't know your soul. He
has seen it and still he looks at me and sees my face and there is no need for
him to call me my new name. "Would you like to go to a school?"
I know what school is, but the concept doesn't apply to me. I tilt my head and
look at him. "Tion hibira, Kal?" I cannot think of anything I want to do. I
like it here with nothing around to do. It is as good as hiding.
He smiles. "Mhi ven'mar'eyi jate vencuyot par gar." And he tells of small
planets with few people where I can live a life like this if I want to.
I like the idea. I smile and nod. "Jate."
"Gar ke'hibira standard, ad'ika." He pats my head and I understand that not
everybody talks in this language which good and bad people somehow share. But
that is fine. I understand it and I can learn to speak it again.
Chapter End Notes
     Jate, ad'ika. - Good, child.
     Tion hibira, Kal? - To learn what, Kal?
     Mhi ven'mar'eyi jate vencuyot par gar. - We will find a good future
     for you.
     Gar ke'hibira standard, ad'ika. - You must learn (to speak) standard,
     child.
***** Chapter 11 *****
10.)_32_BBY
 
The sun sets and the whole sky is aflame in pastel colours. I love the sunset.
From the day I arrived here all scared and lonely. But Chandrila is no place to
be lonely. It is a wonderful place to be, calm weather, small communities and a
strong social network among them. I stand at the very end of the garden behind
the meticulously kept flower beds, behind the small pond with its huge tree.
I come here to watch the sunset every evening. I am happy. Nobody here knows
much about my past. All they know is that I fell on horrible times and my uncle
desperately needed a quiet home for me. Kal had played his part well. He's a
great actor.
And so I had said goodbye to my 'uncle' and started a small life in a small
village. The people were kind. A family took me in, their daughter had left to
study on Coruscant. A planet that was but a city. I could not wrap my head
around the idea. Why anybody would want to go there escaped me even more. I
like it here. I like Jan and Erina who care for me as if I was their daughter.
They never were allowed to have a second child. They miss Ria a lot but she
won't come back except for occasional visits. She likes Coruscant.
I keep the flower beds tidy and the vegetable garden. I look after the fruit
trees and make breakfast and dinner for everybody. Jan keeps telling me to go
and get an education. Then I could go and earn money and help the family. Not
that they need helping. Their income is stable. Everything here is stable.
Maybe even I am.
Sometimes I write to my 'uncle' and get very short replies. I am not sure if it
hurts. Jan said it might hurt my uncle more. It is a new power to me, being
able to hurt others. I do not know how to handle it. I make mistakes and others
are sad. But others also make mistakes and then I am sad. It is, all in all,
fair. And Jan wants me to be my own person. He thinks that you need an
education and a job to be your own person. When I look at the house I live in,
I know what he means. But I don't agree.
I don't want to agree. I want to spend the rest of my days making breakfast for
everybody and putting parsley on the dishes to make them look pretty. It is
difficult to know that he thinks I cannot be happy like this. It makes him
unhappy that he thinks I am not happy. And that makes me unhappy.
So I stand here, evening after evening and wonder what education I want to
have. It doesn't matter much in the end. I talk to Jan and Erina and find out
what they think would make me happy. Because if they believe it makes me happy,
they will be happy, and so will I.
The last rays of the sun caress my face. Happiness is important. I didn't know.
I try not to think about the times when I didn't know. I feel a slimy crimson
crawling around inside me when I do. And that is another thing I do not think
about. Because when I see Jan look at Erina, I know that no man will look at me
like that if he knew about my past. And, come to think of it, I am not sure I
could stand any man to look at me like that.
***** Chapter 12 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
11.)_31_BBY
 
His name is Nanek and he is a man. He looks at me and smiles and I smile back
at him over the books stacked up between us. Molecular biology is fun, but with
Nanek it is the best thing in the world.
"Your promoter elements are incorrect," he says. "Your plasmid will explode."
I laugh and see that he is right. That means I have to start again from the
beginning but that is fine. He brings another cup of tea and looks over my
shoulder while I put down the expression vector. Then I take the time to really
think about the promoter elements. And we talk about it and the tea gets cold.
The tests are difficult but I like them. I can show that I learnt everything
and so does Nanek. We compare our results and are always among the best.
He takes my hand and looks very happy. "Let's celebrate," he says. And we go
and have cocktails in a small tapcafe and watch the sun set. He puts his arm
around me and walks me home through the blue air of the evening. I am still,
concentrating on ignoring the crimson haze springing up around me.
"You are beautiful," he says and I laugh. I know I am not, not really, because
my nose was broken and never really set straight. But he looks into my eyes, so
maybe the nose doesn't matter. And he pushes a strand of hair from my face and
tries to place it behind my ear. But the wind catches it again.
His hand lies against my cheek and I feel my face turn red. "Tera."
My name stands against the dark sky and feels very out of place. His hand is
hot against my cheek. He doesn't seem to notice and runs his thumb over my
lips. I feel the small pains slowly move up my legs. I want to run.
Nanek looks at me and the dark sky in his eyes is shot through with crimson.
"Gedet'ye," the words tumble out of my mouth and I want to run. He does not
understand them but it doesn't matter because I do and the crimson never stops.
He takes his hand away and I relax as the flood recedes a little. "Are you
okay?"
I shake my head to make the red go away.
"Tera, look at me." He reaches out again and burns my face with his hand.
I run.
Chapter End Notes
     Gedet'ye - please
***** Chapter 13 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
12.)_30_BBY
 
I could not do it. I stare at the door where he left and am not sure if I am
sad or relieved. I think both. Nanek was kind, he really was. Jan and Erina
were very happy with my choice of Environmental Studies. So I was happy too.
But not for long. The studies were boring. There was nothing to interest me.
After half a term I changed my subjects to Molecular Genetics and Mutation
Theory. That was a lot more interesting. I don't know why many other students
didn't like it. You got to calculate a lot and do simulated test and had to
learn a lot of things by heart. And there was Nanek.
Nanek also likes numbers and we teamed up for experiments and always got good
grades. He came to my place to study and I went to his place to study and one
day he took my hand and said he wanted to go out with me. He looked at me not
quite like Jan looks at Erina. I was scared and I couldn't reply.
He didn't say anything. A week later he asked again. He was very kind about it.
And so we went out together. It was easier than I thought. We had tea in a
small tapcafe and talked. And he held my hand and looked at me and smiled a lot
and seemed happy. And I smiled and was happy, too. And scared. Because the hand
he held was not mine and when it was, it was tinged with crimson.
We went to have tea for a long time and we saw holovids and he put his arm
around me and I laid my head on his shoulder and made myself not be a part of
it. Then one day he held me close and said I was the most wonderful girl he had
ever known and that he was really, really happy to have met me. And I smiled up
at him and he put his lips on mine and I closed my eyes and there was only
crimson.
He was very kind about that too. And there was a long time we only talked. And
then he kissed me again and it was easier. But not easy. And I put my mind in
places where there was no crimson. But there was no Nanek either, there was
nothing. Nanek tried and I tried and today we both tried very hard.
But when he laid me back and his lips wandered down my throat there was crimson
all over me and I screamed. And he looked at me and was sad. And I could not
tell him what it was because then he would not look at me sadly but not at all.
Who could look a past like mine in the face and smile? I could not. I could not
tell him and there was the pain again, as if Crimson had been right back and I
held myself.
If I could cry, I would cry now.
But I cannot. I cannot be with a nice guy like Nanek. I will just be with
myself. I cannot hide the slimy cold that is my past from me. With closed eyes
I saw them again and their leers and laughter and I wanted to die. But that I
cannot anymore. Jan and Erina would be so sad.
So I stare at the closed door and try to think of something that is happy.
There is not much. Nanek does not look at me anymore. As we we never spend time
drinking tea and watching holovids. It hurts very much. But, honestly, to think
about what was to come hurt worse - different, intangibly, entangled with me.
I could not write to Jan and Erina about this. So I wrote to my uncle. He
doesn't answer. I think he has forgotten about me. Or he didn't like me
anymore. He called me Ruusaan once and then was all silent for the day. I think
I hurt him. It is better that I am gone. But I have nobody to write things like
that to, so I write him still. Sometimes. When it hurts so bad that I do not
much care if he hurts too when he gets those letters. He never answers anyway.
I am sorry ba'vodu. I really am.
Chapter End Notes
     ba'vodu - uncle
***** Chapter 14 *****
13.)_29_BBY
 
I graduate on a Thursday. Jan and Erina come to see me standing among the other
students. They look proud and happy. They also look old. I take my diploma and
smile at them. Nanek is behind me but I am the first, the best of my class.
There was something I could concentrate on after he was gone.
I concentrated on studying. I did nothing else. I did not meet with other young
men, the fear of the crimson flood always lingered in the back of my mind. I
look at Nanek and know I cannot outrun it. It will always be there and it is
faster than me.
I walk up to Jan and Erina. They embrace me and congratulate me. We have lunch
in a posh cantina with sparkling wine. I tell them about my first job. I could
pick and choose. I am the best of my year. And I will go to the Hanna Wild Game
Preserve. They are studying a new mutation there and I will help pick the
genome apart and compare it to the old one and see what the mutations do.
I am happy with the two and it is a very nice afternoon. They get onto the bus
and I wave goodbye. I pack my bags and clean my room. It was nice to be here.
And it hurt to be here. And now I will go and do something to occupy me because
I cannot go to live a simple life and make breakfast and cake in my house.
I will find another future.
***** Chapter 15 *****
14.)_27_BBY
 
Again I pack my bags and clean my room. This job was fun in a routine and
boring way. It was not very exciting. But that was not the point, really. I
have excelled again. I had no distractions. I concentrate on the work ahead and
there is nothing in my head that is not bent on solving the problem before of
me.
And solve we did. And we were faster than intended and now we can go on a
holiday before the next assignments start. Everybody is laughing and excited.
They joke and promise to write each other. Nobody promises to write me because
they don't know what about. I do not care for the things they do when there is
no work. I do not know the names of their families and the pets they have and
the holovids they watch and the novels they read.
They do not know that about me either, but they do not know that there is
nothing to know. Maybe they know and do not believe. I find novels boring
because they tell me nothing about my life. Janice once gave me a romance
novel, very exciting she promised and a little nasty. It was about a woman who
fell in love with a man but things were complicated and a little violent. I was
supposed to believe that she didn't mind the violence in the end because she
was in love. I did not. I gave the novel back and only read the summaries on
the holonet for the following ones until Janice found out and stopped giving
them to me.
I tried to read other novels, but there was violence in most of them or they
were about nothing that mattered and a waste of time. In the time it takes to
read a novel I can take a string of DNA apart and define its properties. In the
time it takes to read a novel, I can state and prove a hypothesis. In the time
it takes to read a novel I can stand and look at the stars.
I write to Jan and Erina and tell them nothing about this. I am anchored on
Chandrila and that has to be enough.
 
***** Chapter 16 *****
15.)_25_BBY
 
The nomadic life of a biological engineer fits me rather well. I get to know a
lot of people a little, but none of them very well. I like it that way. I am
never in any danger to try a relationship again. I met another nomad soul and
she showed me to research on human biology. It is interesting and sometimes, at
night, I think what I could do to Crimson with knowledge like that.
Qail can be difficult at times as she is opinionated and very convinced of her
own abilities. She shows me how to stand my ground and how not to back down. So
far nobody hit me for it. It is an interesting discovery. Nobody lays a hand on
the other in this society and it would be so easy. They fight with words and
more words and often they win.
Except against Qail. She stands like a queen. She doesn't back down and the red
strands in her black her burn like fire. I like her.
"You don't win your arguments by just being right," she says, shaking her head.
"You have to show that they are in the wrong. Only if you pull the ground out
under them will they even begin to consider your point."
We work on reprogramming the cells of an elderly baron on a backwater planet.
He has come to money in ways I don't want to know. Qail doesn't care. She likes
getting money, but she would do it all for the challenge of it. So we fight
with words, we talk away whole nights and I get better in talking others into
corners.
Sometimes I wonder what happened to the girl that only wanted to be a happy
housekeeper for the rest of her life. But she met Nanek and that was that. I
look at my hands and try to think of any one of the men I know with his hands
on my skin and his lips in the vicinity of my face. I want to scream until the
crimson leaves.
We find a small miracle for the elderly baron. His cells will stop degenerating
for a bit. They will just stop doing anything, so he better not cut himself
with a knife. He can turn on and off the ageing of his cells now. It is a cheap
triumph we tell him, but he doesn't believe it. He probably didn't pay
attention in biology class when they taught that cell division was necessary
for everything.
We move on. We go our separate ways, but I keep writing to Qail. There are many
things I can tell her now. I do not write to my uncle that often any more. I
would forget about him if he had not taken my life from them and given it back
to me. Or more precisely given the remains of it back to me. Sometimes I sit in
the darkness and stare at the shattered pieces that won't fit together again.
I wonder if they would look better had Kal come sooner. It is a moot
speculation and usually followed by things I can do to purge the crimson out of
my life. But I know it won't work. There is no bleach for lives. And no amount
of bleach would change my past from murky to shiny. If it was not for the
people who looked out for my happiness, I might just have stopped.
So I write to Jan and Erina instead. There is always a reason to write to them
if only to remind myself that they are there. I visit them as often as I can.
They have lost two daughters now and I am sorry. They are happy for me. So I
write them long letters about everything and nothing because they deserve to be
happy.
***** Chapter 17 *****
16)_23_BBY
 
The sun sets and the whole sky is aflame in pastel colours. I stand at the very
end of the garden behind the meticulously kept flower beds, behind the small
pond with its huge tree and feel aflame myself.
Jan is dead. Erina is crying inside the house. I am not crying, if I could, I
would do so now. Instead I stare the sunset down until it flees behind the
horizon. They called me in Shili, it was only a small congress. I left
immediately and everybody was very understanding. I did not tell them that he
was not my real father. He was the only father I knew. I had found shelter here
and peace. And pieces of myself I had thought lost.
And now he was gone and there were bits of me flying away in all directions
leaving me more shattered than I had ever imagined. I had not seen him often
lately, I had been so busy. And when I think of Erina in the house I dare not
go to her. I feel like an intruder because I have been gone so much. The
twilight settles slowly and the first stars come to gawk at me.
I wish to return to them because I am not attached to much out there. I can
ignore almost everything. I am almost all alone and nobody really cares. And
when crimson dreams haunt my nights, soon I might be able to just give up. I
close my eyes and treasure the moment.
Erina is very silent. I try to talk to her and she tries to smile but her heart
is not in it. I know how much his death shook me; I don't want to know how bad
it is for her. Just another reason to never get into a relationship; apart from
the crimson screaming bits. I hold her hand, because Jan cannot do it anymore.
"He was the best of men," I tell her. And I mean it. After I had been
carelessly scraped off the bottom of misery he had been there to help me. He
had tried to turn the shards of me into a person. It was not his fault that he
didn't know about the bits which made that impossible. I hold Erina's hand and
listen to her stories.
I leave again in the grey morning. She looks fragile and I ask if I should not
better stay. But she smiles and shakes her head. So I leave. And a few month
later the message reaches me that she is gone too. Followed Jan because she was
too lonely otherwise.
I look at the stars.
I write Qail. Maybe there will be no answer. I am not sure if I hope for that.
***** Chapter 18 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
17.)_22_BBY
 
Qail does not answer my calls.
Qail does not reply to my letters.
I stand and look out of the window of my room. If I think, I will know where I
am, but it doesn't really matter. I am working on humans again. Why do they
always want to change who they are? I tamper with their colours and
afflictions. I see no need to change any of them. They are whole and their past
is free and goes all the way to their birth.
But I pick up the strands of their genes and change them anyway. There is good
money in this and I have no scruples. That is what they say. I will do
anything. But I do not. If it is not a challenge I don't want it. I am like
Qail now, looking for the challenge because there is more than enough money.
That is what they say. I have a small piece of plastic that buys anything I
want. I rarely want something.
I bought a beautiful dress once and never wore it. I find no use for dresses. I
wear jumpsuits and the people look at me and see a biological engineer. They
whisper about me, but never where I can hear, because I am good at what I do
and they need me. They think I will turn upon them if I hear them call me crazy
or scary or arrogant.
Do they know that those are only words? Do they know that no words in this
language have any power to hurt me? Names might hurt me. I work with a man
named Kallar. I wince every time they call for him. They do not see the hurtful
words in crimson hovering over me when they say it.
K'olar.
And I shake my head and concentrate on the tangle of molecules before me,
trying to find the best way to extract superoxide without breaking the double
helix and mutate it in unwanted ways. The task itself is easy when done in a
laboratory, it just turns complicated when applied to living beings. There are
not many ways to extract superoxide that don't involve a certain damage to
things like membranes.
With a sigh I try again and only burst small holes into the sheet of single-
layer membrane. Why don't the globular proteins work for this? I rub my eyes
and draw some more charts. There has to be a way, I just have to find it.
The others return and with them the crimson noise of Kallar's name. I have to
leave, just taking my pencils and flimsies along. K'olar! Cuun cuy, darasuum.I
hear the words that hurt and sit down in a silent corner. Maybe it does not
matter if I find a way or not. I cannot stay here. The past keeps catching up
with me, no matter how far I get.
I close my eyes and think of Qail who doesn't answer my calls.
Nobody left to answer my calls. Only calls for Kallar echoing in my head. Maybe
it is time to go. I don't know where to, there is nowhere really. But nowhere
is as good a place as any I can think of. I think of black untouched by crimson
smears behind my eyes. It doesn't matter that he might have won if I give up.
The prospect of unsullied black forever appeals to me, and even Qail has
stopped replying.
I am alone in this corner, this house, this world, and when I look up, there is
an empty galaxy looking back, winking with its stars. I smile. There is nobody
left to be disappointed.
Chapter End Notes
     K'olar - come!
     K'olar! Cuun cuy, darasuum. - Come! You're ours forever.
***** Chapter 19 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
18.)_22_BBY
 
Kal wrote.
I don't know how he found me and why after all those years. I didn't expect to
hear from him ever again. He was a saving anchor back in the days and I would
have remembered him like that. Which doesn't do him justice by far. He knows my
past and he called me ad'ika in the letter. He wants me to write back. He wants
to see me again. He has problems and he wants me to try and help.
Of course I will go. He was the only help I got in a hopeless world. He and
Rav. I have not heard of her either. Maybe he knows where she is. I need to
thank her for finding me Chandrila. And the black one, who never got a name and
never appeared again.
So here I am, en route to Ord Mantell, a planet that just a short time ago has
been a lawless place. But that is the past. The Jedi have brought peace to it
somehow and now it is just another piece in the jigsaw of the war. Oh yes,
there is a war waging across the galaxy. Or so you are supposed to believe. I
have been around a lot before and the small infightings and brushfires between
planets had looked a lot like what is going on now.
I wish I could talk to Qail about this. She would not understand about the
commitment I feel because nothing so bad ever happened to her, but she is the
only person I count almost as a friend. We spent whole nights discussing the
human genome and its possibilities. I think she managed to secure a job with
some military or other, though I am not sure what use they would have for a
genome tamperer.
I watch the Jubilee Wheel come closer and closer. It is exciting in a way.
After all the years that I have been travelling the galaxy, meeting strange
people with strange customs and even stranger requests, what really gets me
nervous is meeting somebody I know. Maybe because I know so few people. Maybe
because it matters what Kal thinks of me when the opinions of others don't.
You saved me, ba'vodu, by now you really did.
I step off the transport into the vast halls of the Wheel's hangars. I drift
with the crowds not sure where to go. I have no directions. The Jubilee Wheel
he said and here I am. I find a quiet corner in a hallway and stare out of the
viewport. Ord Mantell lies below me like a marble.
"Su cuy'gar." Long lost words hit my ears.
I whirl around and there is a brown one and a white one beside him and my body
takes over. I have no weapon but my satchel. I swing it at them. The white one
catches it easily, wraps it around his wrist and pulls. I let him have it and
prepare for a fight. Crimson fills my vision and my hands connect with hard
plates I hoped to never see again.
"Kyr bal haraan bal aaray bat gar!" I scream. But it is no use. Like all those
years ago. If I could cry, I would do so now.
White holds me in a joint lock and easily drags me off. "Nu'kaab." It is the
softest threat I have ever heard. My shoulders ache and small pains creep back
into my body. Pains I had all but forgotten about. I really wished I could cry.
The door closes behind us and he drops me to the floor. I wait because I have
no hurry to bring old horrors back onto myself.
Chapter End Notes
     Su cuy'gar. - Hello (Literally: You're still alive)
     Kyr bal haraan bal aaray bat gar! - Death and hell and pain on you!
     Nu'kaab! - Shut up!
***** Chapter 20 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
19._)_22_BBY
 
"You didn't tell me she was so jumpy," a dark voice suddenly says.
"I must have forgotten."
My head whips up. "Kal!"
His face looks out from the brown beskar. He is the brown one. An image rises
from the back of my memory. I ran, there was a piece of girl lying on the
ground and I ran. Right into a brown one of them and a black one and a red one,
only that they are not of them. I shake my head violently, but the image
doesn't go away.
"Val'cuy dar!"
"Off the bat crazy," the voice comments.
I look up and there is a man standing next to Kal, looking very young with old
eyes. He has his helmet under his arm and I can see it is not even like Kal's.
It is white with blue applications but the shape of the visor is different and
so is his whole armour. Slowly I stand up and take the design in. "Kyr'tsad dar
balyc," I decide and feel like a human being again.
White takes offence, but a glance from Kal calms him down in a heartbeat.
"Tengaana norac, ad'ika." He tells me softly.
I stare at him for a second but he is not them. I pull up the back of my shirt
and turn to White, never taking my eyes of Kal. The old man nods with a smile.
All will be well, says his glance. I trust him. He took me in and no advantage.
He knows my past and still looks into my face.
White hisses between his teeth. "Shabla hut'uune." He pulls my shirt down
again. "Sorry, little one."
I turn and look at him. He is sorry. His eyes are darker than before now,
almost black, and I don't now if he's all soft or burning anger. "It is past,"
I tell him. I want to believe it too.
"Kom'rk," he introduces himself. "Kal said you might be good help with some
delicate problems we have."
"Whatever." I don't even need to think about it. I look at Kal and he seems
embarrassed by what he sees. I remember that he cut the contact for a very long
time. "N'eparavu takisit," I add hastily. "Ru'kadala, nu'copaani. Haat, ijaa,
haa'it!"
He looks sad suddenly and shakes his head. "An jate, ad'ika."
I feel my whole body relax at those words. I hadn't known I was waiting for
them. I hadn't known I was so desperate for them. All is well. He said so. And
I believe him. No matter what. "What can I do?"
Chapter End Notes
     Val'cuy dar! - You are not them!
     Kyr'tsad dar balyc. - You're also not Death Watch.
     Tengaana norac, ad'ika. - Show him your back.
     Shabla hut'uune. - Fucking bastards.
     N'eparavu takisit. Ru'kadala, nu'copaani. Haat, ijaa, haa'it! - I am
     sorry. I hurt you. I didn't know. I swear!
     An jate, ad'ika. - All's well, child.
***** Chapter 21 *****
20.)_21_BBY
 
I am on Mandalore again. I didn't know it had a name the first time around.
This is, will be Kyrimorut. I like the sound of it. They did not name it. I do
not want this language to be tainted by them anymore. I make breakfast again
and cake. Kom'rk likes it and so does Jaing who looks just like him and Ordo
and Mereel. Clones, I didn't really grasp the concept until I saw them next to
each other.
I take blood samples and look at the genetic material. I wish for Qail because
she'd know how to help. But she has gone into complete hiding. When I asked Kal
about her he looked at me in a funny way and shook his head. Seems he cannot
find her either.
"I need better equipment," I tell Kom'rk. "I cannot work here, there is too
much missing." I tell him about the institutes I have been at and the
laboratories I know.
"Did you ever experiment with humans?" he wants to know.
I blush and look at my feet. "No. But sometimes, I dreamt of what I could do to
- a man from my past with my knowledge."
He lays a hand on my back and it burns in a different way. "He'd deserve all of
it."
I keep looking at my feet. His hand keeps burning my back and I find no words
to say. He is a good guy and he doesn't know much about my past. I want to keep
it that way. I like how he looks at me as if I was a person. I step away from
his hand. "Can you find me a place to work?"
He smiles one of those smiles that is all hard angles and cutting edges. "One
of my easier tasks."
And off he is, looking for a place for me to go and search through everything
that may help while I keep the data company. I feel young around them, younger
than them even though they are only ten years old in normal time. Twenty years
in their fast forward world and the things they have seen and done make them
old. I almost feel sheltered.
"There's a bankrupt little university on Ketaris," Kom'rk tells me with a grin.
"They might do quite a lot for money."
I look up from the screen and smile. "That's good. I have money."
"If Kal'buir lets you." They call him buir and I cannot bring myself to call
him ba'vodu to his face. He is in and out of the place, calling me ad'ika as he
does with everybody and I have nothing to offer in return. I look back to the
schematics on the screen. If only I found something to give back. Only the
smallest, slightest little something. But I have the whole genome to look
through. And that is huge in itself and intimating in triplicate.
"ARC trooper data," Kom'rk says, giving me a small package.
I take it carefully. Blood and skin and hair. Samples to enlarge the already
daunting amount of data. But I cannot dare to be wrong. The more data I can
compile, the better I can see where they differ all in the same way. I wish I
could get my hands on some original DNA, but young Boba has vanished beyond
even the long arm of Kal.
"You will move in a few days." Kom'rk puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes
it softly. I only wish I could do more as I look up at him.
He stands behind me and stares at the screen over my shoulder. I like that. He
sees things, small things, thing I overlook. "I wish I had perfect recall," I
sigh.
He looks at me sad and strange. "No," he replies. "No, you don't."
***** Chapter 22 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
21.)_21_BBY
 
Tomorrow I will leave Kyrimorut. I don't like the idea because I still like it
here very much. But Ketaris is waiting. They have laboratories there and fine
equipment; I can do better work there. I rub my neck and try to find something
to show before the morning. I want to help. I really do. I have nothing else
and Kal asked me. He calls me ad'ika though he knows where I come from.
Rav sent her regards when I enquired after her with thanks. And the black one
is Vau and off with Kal on another mission. I am no fighter. I stay where I am,
all alone in a big house accompanied by data more valuable than lives. I look
through the files they have and read everything they give me. The guys age
fast. They have been made that way, I don't know why. I think it is a neat idea
to stop it. I don't have the slightest idea how to do it.
"I can completely stop the cell division," I tell Kom'rk, "but that doesn't
solve the problem the least."
I like Kom'rk. He thinks faster than me and around corners I don't even realise
are there. If he put his mind to it, he would surely solve this mess faster
than I do. But he has no time. Each moment here is stolen from his time with
the army. Each moment here is an extra that he is not entitled to. There is
hope in his eyes when he looks at me sitting before my screen and I like that,
too.
He screams in the night and I run through Kyrimorut as if it is on fire. But
there is nothing, only darkness in his room and that scream. I call his name
but he doesn't hear me. As if he is trapped in the sound. I turn on the light,
but he doesn't notice. He has the blanket all the way up over his head and when
I pull it back his eyes are closed fast and he looks the way I feel inside when
there is only crimson in my dreams.
I stand beside his bed and cannot make myself heard. He sits up, the eyes wide
open with a sudden, but he sees nothing, hears nothing. And I put my hand on
his shoulder because I can see the small pains in his face and the tautness of
his body. Nobody should suffer from those.
He looks up when he feels my hand on his shoulder, and there is the emptiness
in his eyes that I long for in my crimson nightmares. Then he moves and I feel
my arm explode in pain and my face hits the ground. His knee comes down between
my shoulder blades and the pain in my face is cooled by the cold of the floor.
But the screaming stopped. Relief washes over me because now the small pains
have no way into his head anymore or mine. They cannot creep under my skin and
fill my insides. Pain is running up and down my arm and I bleed from the lip
all over the floor. "Bother," I whisper to myself.
Suddenly the pressure is gone. The pain remains and I don't move.
After a long while his face appears in my field of vision. His eyes are almost
black and I smile at him because he is back to normal. "Don't scare me like
that," I say. "I don't want you to suffer from the small pains."
He doesn't seem to understand but that is good. That is very good. Carefully he
sits me up and the pain in my arm proves to be a dislocated shoulder. I close
my eyes. "Just straighten it again."
Nothing happens. "Please?"
He puts something soft between my teeth and I look at it. It's just cloth. I
look at him and smile right until he pushes at my shoulder. I don't scream
because it is just one of the big pains, the ones that are healed easily
enough. "Vor'entye." I take the cloth from my mouth and wipe at my lip and then
at the floor.
He simply watches. I glance up but it doesn't make any sense. I wipe the last
of the blood away. "Do you want sweet tea and uj before you try to sleep
again?"
"Only if you have some, too." His voice is as black as his eyes.
Chapter End Notes
     Vor'entye. - Thank you.
***** Chapter 23 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
22.)_21_BBY
 
We sit in the kitchen. "Tell me about the small pains," he says and looks very
serious.
I push the cake around on my plate. I do not want to tell him. I want him to
think I am a person. I cannot look at him. I stare at my plate. I press my lips
together and open my mouth in turns. I really want him to think I am alright.
He gets up with a sudden, walks around me and pulls up the shirt of my pyjamas.
I wince when he traces the thing on my back with a finger. "Tell me."
I ball my hands into fists. I don't know where to start. "If you tell me about
yours." It is a last desperate attempt at silence.
Carefully he puts his hands on my shoulders, his thumbs rubbing my neck
thoughtfully. "I will," he says and the crimson that started to rise from the
floor rushes away through an unseen gutter.
I hoped he'd refuse. He doesn't. I spread my hands on the table before me. "He
wore crimson," I begin and my voice trembles. "I don't remember anything from
before, but that morning I woke up and crimson ruled my world."
The thumbs never stop their slow motions. It is almost hypnotising. So I tell
him about the big pains that were easy and the small ones that are still slimy
and difficult and the way I could not count the days and how kicking me in the
stomach was useful and fun and how I did not take the bar to the girl and how
that did not matter.
"Tell me," he repeats.
With the circling fingers on my neck cold words start to spill from me, all
over the place in all their putrid details and they would not stop. Just as he
does not stop rubbing my neck the words do not stop and bury me in the cold
filth of my past. My lips quiver but they plough on through what suddenly seems
to be years of small pains and burning flesh. But the crimson flood doesn't
come. I fling out the hidden bits and the terrifying triggers and they are
right back, holding me down with their voices and drowning me with the touch of
their hands and soiling me already with their thoughts, let alone their deeds.
But the crimson flood doesn't come.
In the end I find myself mute and crying, sitting in the kitchen of Kyrimorut.
The air is cold on my bare back but there are hands on my shoulders and his
thumbs are still massaging my neck. There is nothing to do, so I just keep
crying. My shirt makes a convenient handkerchief. I hiccough on my sobs and
fall silent. It is a huge silence that fills the whole room.
Kom'rk, pats my shoulders softly, pulling the shirt down again and he pulls a
chair up next to mine and sits down. Then he eats my cake.
"T'ad simire par t'ad simire," he says.
And he starts telling me how it is, to have perfect recall in a cold world. And
a scary world where there are only his brothers and an environment bent on
killing them, breaking them, shaping them.
I put my arm around his shoulder, stroking his dark hair as his words fall down
around us like dead birds. He remembers everything. Everyday as if it was just
yesterday; every shot fired, every punishment dealt, every scream, every bland
meal, every sudden sound. And his small pains are made up of reflecting eyes
and slender necks bending over him.
I pull his head against my shoulder and the muffled voice speaks words of pain
and hatred that I know. They speak of impotent anger and fear and the recurring
pain I know in different colours and I bury my hand in his hair. I wonder if it
is possible that anybody had it worse then me, his black voice fills the
kitchen. "I will kill her, if I see her again."
"What has been engineered, can be taken apart," I say and have charts tumbling
through my head. "I know ways that will not only kill a human."
"It's a pity he is already dead," Kom'rk answers and his breath bounces off my
collarbone. "I can think of many ways to bring about his death in a prolonged
and painful way."
We agree and it feels good to know that his white hate understands the crimson
pains I know. We make plans for painful and prolonged deaths for a long while
and the tea is long cold.
Chapter End Notes
     T'ad simire par t'ad simire. - Two years for two years.
***** Chapter 24 *****
23.)_21_BBY
 
I did not find a special gift for Kal that night. But I was too tired to go on
searching. So I am happy that finally, finally I have something to show for my
efforts. I save the chart, double save it and put a copy into a safety box. I
would love to call Kal and tell him all about it, but it is not safe. Nothing
is safe, he told me and I keep to that.
Instead I wait impatiently for Kom'rk. He's my lifeline to the galaxy. The war
is still raging but the longer it takes the more time off he has, or so it
seems to me. I started off with a relatively small amount of genetic data. It
took some time to analyse and systematise it all. It was a laborious task and
took ever so long. But once I had the system implemented, adding more data
became easier.
Kom'rk looked at the system, took a copy along and a few days later a small
parcel arrived. It contained a system like the one I had in mind. And that was
amazing, because I had hardy managed to make it work the way I wanted when I
put it into code. There was small note, handwritten too by Kom'rk telling me
his brother Jaing had designed it for me.
At times like that I wished I could write back. But I do the next best thing
which was stocking up on cake and cookies for his next visit. I make sure to
get some extra for Jaing. He was nice when I met him in Kyrimorut. And he did
not drop in again while I was there. I install the new system and wonder how
they can all be so brilliant and black.
Kom'rk shrugs. He doesn't notice. Maybe he's a little twisted and bent into a
different shape than other people, but what does he care? He scrutinises my
findings and smiles. "And the plan is to change the redox signalling?"
I nod. "If we can dechelate some of the protein the following kinases could
have a positive effect on the proliferation of the cells." I point at the
chelates I have in mind. "If they set superoxide free it might just lead to the
kind of redox signalling we want."
He studies the charts and puts histone at the top of my experiments list.
"Might as well start optimistic," he says and rubs my shoulder.
I have done a good job. I grin up at him. I didn't feel that good forever. I
lean back and feel his ribcage against my head. "It is not much." But it is all
I need. His eyes are deep brown and his hand is warm on my shoulder. I ignore
the tingling red at my feet. He is younger than me and older and overall wiser.
But his eyes are black as he looks down on me. "It doesn't solve the underlying
problem, but it could buy us time." His thumb wanders up my neck and I remember
with my eyes closed.
***** Chapter 25 *****
24.)_21_BBY
 
Kom'rk visits regularly. There has not been such a deluge of information again.
But a constant trickle of data is coming in and most of it is delivered in
person. I like it.
Kom'rk smiles. "It's just not safe."
He is probably stealing secrets from the government. I don't care. I pick the
datacard from his hand and the skin of my fingers scrapes against his. I smile.
"It is safe with me."
"I know." His hand closes around mine.
I like his visits. He tells me what is going on in the galaxy. His brothers are
hunting for data and other vital information. The black one, Vau, is back and
helping on and off. I need to thank him, too, some day. I touch my temple and
smile.
"We will soon have more data than you can ever look into." Kom'rk is happy
despite my failing efforts. "You are doing your best. And who knows what you
may stumble over any moment."
I like the way he insists I am useful. I feel detached again. Everybody is busy
running around the galaxy and I am stuck on Ketaris sieving data. There is no
want for money anymore, there won't ever be again, I am told, and should I need
to buy a planet. I do not want a planet. I want to stop time. Sometimes.
We sit together, almost huddled and watch the latest experiment simulation play
out. His shoulder touches mine and I feel the heat of his body. I wonder if
they emanate more heat because everything is going twice as fast for them. I
glance over to him and he catches my eye and smiles.
The simulation end unsatisfactory and we discuss the adjustments. After some
preliminary successes the redox signalling poses more problems than results.
There seems to be no way to control the dechelation and the resulting radicals.
I am ready to give up and try something new, but he is not.
"You are doing a good job." He doesn't call me ad'ika. He doesn't call me
vod'ika. He also does not call me 'little one' anymore. I wonder what he thinks
when he doesn't call me anything at all. His eyes rest on me. I like his eyes
when they seem almost black.
"I wish." And I wish to simply rest my head against his shoulder.
***** Chapter 26 *****
25.)_21_BBY
 
All the secrecy in the galaxy was not enough. I stare at the screen and the
face upon it. I have not seen it before. He is adamantine though to talk to me
about my research. I wonder how he knows all the details. I try to waive and
hedge but he won't have any of it.
"I know you are researching the deceleration of cell ageing," he tells me. "It
is not that I object, Ms. Nuh, not the least, let me assure you. There are
those fanatics out there which claim that any intrusion into the course of
nature will lead to disaster, but I am not one of them."
He smiles and means to be reassuring. I feel something cold creep up my back
but it is not red the least.
"On the contrary, I want to offer you help."
I look at him and don't know how to react. "What would be the conditions?"
He smiles again and it is no more pleasant than before. "That your research
does not stop where it currently ends. The deceleration is a fine goal, Miss,
but only a step on the road I am seeking."
I incline my head. Another madman on the quest for everlasting life and youth.
Haven't I met them before. "How can I be sure that you will not interfere with
my current projects," I ask him. "I am not sure the work I do now will benefit
your wishes any."
"I am willing to leave you to your game for now," his eyes are intent. "My
sources imply that you might not need to work in that line for much longer. But
after that, I want to be assured of your complete cooperation."
Alarm bells ring in the back of my head but I smile. "You know more about that
then I do. But if you are willing to wait, I will gladly help your endeavours."
He nods. "I will see you very soon then, Miss Nuh," he says, "to discuss the
details of our arrangement."
And then the screen is blank. I want to call Kom'rk, but I never know where he
is. I don't know where any of them are. So I get back to work instead and hope
that he will be here before Visinic Murtode arrives. I want this cleared with
Kal. I am not sure if it qualifies as an emergency. There's an emergency number
to call of course. I stare at the screen and worry.
I try to pry meaning from the conversation. How can he know how long it will
take me to find what I look for? But then, how can he know what I do at all?
What are his resources? Who are his resources? I pin down the words on flimsy,
unwilling to convey them to the technology which seems not trustworthy any
longer where secrecy is concerned.
Then I stare at the data again and wonder how my approach would lead to the end
of my research.
"If that is what he meant," Kom'rk objects looking at my notes, "he could be
doing this research himself." He sounds grim. I put my hand on his arm. For a
second it rests there before my past catches up with me.
"What else could he mean?" I stare at the screens which show my latest
failures. And some small victories. Kal set me to work on the genome in a very
different way and I always liked changing colours and details.
"The end of all worry about clones," he says darkly.
"Nobody could achieve that." I almost laugh but I see his face. He is serious.
And if there are powers in the galaxy strong enough to worry Kom'rk about the
existence of several million people - I don't dare finish the thought.
Suddenly his hand closes around my shoulder painfully. "You have to learn how
to defend yourself."
I stare at him with blank eyes.
***** Chapter 27 *****
26._)_21_BBY
 
The most difficult thing is not to freeze and give in to the crimson flood. The
attempt at an encouraging smile looks fierce and frightful on his face. I try
to shy back but his hand is around my wrist like a clamp.
"Once more," he insists and pushes my arm down between us.
I want to run, but I cannot. That is part of the exercise, though. That I
should be able to run. I stare at the hand that is keeping me prisoner. It
seems huge. He can close his fingers around my wrist easily. His hand is warm.
He could probably break my wrist between his index finger and thumb. Maybe I
cold break one of his fingers if I used both hands.
"It's not about strength," he tells me. "This is about agility and speed.
Enough of those and you can take even me down." He is not really serious. He
means I could take a man of his build down. I don't think anything can take
Kom'rk down; or his brothers. He shakes my wrist softly.
I think about the movement real hard, then I yank my hand down and up against
him again. His grip slips for a second. I stop and stare at him. He simply
grins, his eyes saying 'I told you so' in capital letters.
I lower my captured wrist again, looking at it in amazement. And he turns it
around indicating his fingers with his other hand. "Even if I can wrap my hand
all around your wrist, where the fingers open, there is a weakness."
I nod and watch again as he bends my arms slowly. His fingers open as if by
magic. He repeats the motion several times with our arms in different angles.
Then he holds it between us again and I concentrate again. It is a fast flowing
motion that leaves me flabbergasted as my wrist slips from his grip. I look
from the free hand up to him and back.
I am free.
The correct reaction to that is probably not throwing your arms around your
captor and teacher. But he doesn't mind and pats my back.
"This is just the beginning," he promises softly.
***** Chapter 28 *****
27.)_21_BBY
 
Visinic Murtode is a thin man with a thin face and thin hair. He looks down on
my along his long thin nose and shakes my hand with cold thin fingers. He looks
around the room Kom'rk and I prepared as a kind of living room to receive
guests in. I never had a room like that. It always seemed a wast of space.
But he sits down and reminds me of a spider folding itself up. He doesn't want
anything, but I bring tea and biscuits anyway. That is good manners. Kom'rk has
impressed the importance of manners in these dealings on me repeatedly. He
knows more than I about my customer. And he thinks it better that way. I would
not say he is afraid, because he never is. So I offer biscuits and the long
fingers close around one of them like a mantis. Visinic Murtode also knows
about being polite. He nibbles on the biscuit and makes small talk. I remember,
and dearly wish for, Qail again. She could have done this better than me.
"You must understand that my employer wishes to stay invisible," he says with a
thin voice. "This is not a matter to be taken lightly."
I nod and smile. Immortality never is. "I hope he knows that it is not really
my field of expertise," I reply. "The current research aims at undoing a
change, not changing the code."
Murtode lowers his biscuit like a weapon. "As yet, Miss Nuh. My employer also
believes that your research will bring you into contact with knowledge you will
need to help him." He looks at the small box placed on the table between us.
"Anyway, your reputation precedes you. There are other, smaller matters which
you can start on. My employer is confident that you will manage the desired
changes easily."
Eyes and hair again. I wonder why people are so obsessed with that. When he has
left, I open the box. There are a few datacards and the tasks written on real
flimsy. The thin man said he would call again and check on my progress.
Kom'rk leans over my shoulder looking at the samples. It really is not much
work and helps me to relax after researching on their ageing process. It takes
but a little diligence to find the right clusters. DNA is easy. There are only
a few components to it and almost as few atoms.
"It doesn't make sense," he tells me. I agree. There are worlds between
altering the appearance and generating eternal life.
"Maybe he wants to gain my trust." I splice a part of the DNA on the screen.
"Or there is more to this than he wants us to know." I copy the schematics and
give them to Kom'rk. "It might be interesting to know who I am working on."
He turns the data over in his fingers and nods. "You be careful around him."
I can hear suspicion dripping from his voice, but he doesn't know anything for
sure. "I will tell you everything," I promise.
But that is not nearly enough. I can see his worry. And then I realise that it
is for me. I lower my eyes.
He is a big man and I feel heat coming from him as I stand in front of him
feeling smaller than ever. How could I hope to ever hurt a man like that? But
he smiles and talks about leverage and mean little tricks, his breath flowing
down the side of my head.
I cannot hurt him, but as I try there is no need to fight the crimson.
***** Chapter 29 *****
28.)_21_BBY
 
Visinic Murtode is making visits a regular affair. He is a neat and methodical
man, his long fingers wander over the side of my screen as I show him the first
results. He nods his thin head on his long neck.
"How far have you come with my employer's other request?", he wants to know.
"I was not aware I was to start on it already," I reply. "My other work still
has priority."
He looks at me as if I was a very interesting mutation about to be deleted. "My
employer might not be very understanding."
I scowl. "I told him that I will finish my other project before I start on his.
I told him to ask somebody else if he didn't like it."
"You may not understand the position you are in." He watches me over the tips
of his finger. "Your say in this might be smaller than you realise."
Kom'rk insisted on politeness so I do not tell Murtode to stick it where the
sun is unlikely to shed light. I also don't offer to change that by means of a
chainsaw. Instead I fold my hands neatly on the table. "Your employer knew my
conditions. I stated them plainly, I will stand by them and I will not change
them." I look straight at Murtode, never blinking once. "If he decides to hear
things I have never said and expects me to adhere to that, I might be rather
unhappy about it."
"You are paid good money for your work," he replied.
But I shake my head. "I will be paid good money, which is something completely
different. It means you do not own me." I indicate the datacard he is holding.
"That is finished work."
Murtode inclines his head, but keeps looking at me as if I will be gone from
the face of the planet any second. I decide not to do him that favour and offer
him some more tea instead. He declines. "You live a dangerous life, Miss Nuh.
Be careful that your friends do not facilitate your downfall."
I raise the cup to my lips and drink a tiny bit of tea. This, also, is polite.
I prefer to have tea from big, sturdy mugs and in huge gulps. I think, I am not
cut out for polite.
"You shouldn't have said that," Kom'rk scolds when he watches the tape. He is
never around when Murtode visits. It would be easy since the agent is punctual
like clockwork, but Kom'rk says it is a trap. He is supposed to be here and
trapped. They want to find the connection I have to Kal's clan. We are not
willing to give that up.
I hold very still as he reaches out around me and his arm brushes against my
shoulder. I don't want to give that up either. I feel his eyes on me as he
tries to read my reaction. I try not to have any and keep my eyes on the
screen.
"This looks promising," I call up some charts. He listens as I try to explain.
I have even given up on simple words. His memory makes it unnecessary to repeat
myself.
His hand brushes against me again as he enlarges the molecules. I marked the
differing sections and he studies them. It is but one of many anomalies all the
samples share. It is tedious to work through all the scientific material
published which could help disentangle their function. I wished I was faster.
My nose is pressed hard against the floor. Again. And again I wished I was
faster. Or not. His fingers curl tightly around my wrist, his hand pressed
against my back and all is fine. I smile into the pain of my nose.
"This will not do." He whispers into my ear. He is right. I know and he knows
but I know no help. And this is nice in its painful inevitability. He knows. He
loosens his grip and the pain recedes. For a moment all is fine. His hands are
at the back of my head, on my back, warm. I close my eyes and ignore the
tugging. The past is past and this is the thread of the future.
But the crimson won't be ignored. I keeps running up my spine like some snake,
like venom just under my skin unable to go anywhere. I try to get a way from
the touch, squirming against the cold floor. This is not right. My muscles go
taut in the anticipation of the small pains, a claw is raking through my head
making thought impossible.
I start to squirm and for a moment he just keeps holding me down. The crimson
burns my back while the cold of the floor tries to creep under my skin. Then I
am free and up on my feet within a heartbeat. We look at each other. He looks
sad. I am sad. I look at my feet.
"Once again," he says and holds out his hand.
Nodding I take it. It is all I can do.
***** Chapter 30 *****
29.)_21_BBY
 
There are three constants in my life: research, Murtode and Kom'rk. Both men
show the same degree of determination, though I really wished Murtode would
not. He is pushy. His employer is a jerk. I made my point and told my
conditions. If he doesn't like it, that is his problem. I am not for sale. And
if I was, I know exactly who I'd sell myself to.
"I want to touch you," he says. His hands lie around my face.
I look up at Kom'rk trying to feel panic and elation at the same time and
failing. I put my hands over his not sure if I just want to feel his skin
against my palms or pry him away. His hands yield easily under mine as I stand
on tiptoe breathing a kiss over his lips.
For a moment everything is still. His hands are fast around my hips lifting me
up to his height as if I was made of plastifoam. I wish this could last
forever, but even with my feet not touching the ground the crimson licks at my
toes, clutches at my calves and thighs. I start to squirm in his grip, unhappy
about it and unhappy about being unhappy.
Slowly he lowers me back to the ground but he doesn't let go. He takes my
wrists and my hands vanish under his and he keeps looking into my eyes. If only
it was enough to ground me here and now. I pull at his grip, knowing I can't
possibly free myself. But when he lets go I still know that and manage, barely,
to trail the tips of my fingers over his palms as my arms snap back and around
me.
I hold on to myself, trying to breathe regularly, biting my lip and cursing my
past. And he can't even hold me. I know others do it, that it calms down, gives
security and comfort. If you are not me. He can only look and I can only curse
and cry.
He leaves in the early morning when all my curses are spent. I see him off with
a smile because I have nothing else to offer. I am rewarded with one of his
hard-edged smiles. I treasure it with the others.
***** Walon Vau: Trinkets *****
The irony is that I said I would get it back even if it was the last thing I
did, he thought, and now it might really be the last thing I do. He put his
hand over the small box and exhaled. There was nothing but ice around him. The
only reason his breath didn't show in the air was the breathing system of the
helmet. So far the Mandalorian armour had done a good job keeping the cold out,
but would not last forever.
He didn't know how long his armour would hold up against the cold. It was
waterproof, but the environmental seals could do only so much. And nobody would
come to save him. At least Delta had banged out as ordered. It was a relief to
know them safe. Or as safe as they would get in this war. But he trained them.
If anybody was able to survive this war it was them.
I raised you to survive. Don't humiliate me by going soft.
It echoed in his head. Not the best last words to tell them. But a notch above
'I'll shoot you on sight'. He had to trust that they knew how to take it. For a
moment Walon Vau considered calculating the length of the rest of his life.
Then he decided against it. What was the use anyway? It would not change a
thing.
The last bit he had heard on the comlink might have been a plan to get a rescue
party. But who could Delta go to? What would Zey say if he found him like this,
laden with the contents of uncounted deposit boxes? Still, it had been a good
plan. And it had nothing to do, nothing at all, with the report he had received
lately. A report from a detective he had never thought to hear from again.
You are a difficult man to find, Mr. Vau, but information goes where
information must.
It had been such a long time ago, that the only reason he did remember Axton
was the musing on whether to track the man down and kill him. Or at least get
back the thirty thousand credits he had spent on him. In the end it had not
seemed worth it. He had delivered a report on Sheena and just because he had
gotten no further than he had already been - it had seemed too much of a
bother.
 
 
"It's okay, Walon." She had been a beauty. To him, she had always been the
epitome of beauty. Her dark eyes had been overcast with sadness any day of the
week. But she had stood tall and never flinched, not even once.
Her hands caught his as he tried to apply bacta to her split lip. "Thank you."
They boy in the memory dropped the hands to his sides like a fool and watched
as Sheena applied the bacta carefully. She had more practice in it than he did.
Six years, to be precise. She tried to smile at him. "Don't look at me like
that. It's not the end of the world."
"But you will leave." Walon hated the pleading sound of his voice. But there
was nothing he could do. Not then, not now. "How can he make you leave?"
Her shoulders sagged. "It's still a few weeks," she replied. "He might just
change his mind again. You know dad."
He did. But this time he didn't think the old bastard would change his mind. It
was the one thing Walon wanted and as such it was inevitable that it wouldn't
happen. He lowered his head and shook it. "You know he won't."
They had shared the silence.
 
 
The Convent of the Hallowed Heart had been easy to find. The real problem had
been getting information about what was going on inside. The nuns had been
closed off from the galaxy. Nothing was to touch them lest they should lose
their purity and sacred value. Once the walls of the cloister had swallowed
Sheen all contact had stopped. All the promises of letters, comm calls and holo
messages brought to naught.
He had realised the moment the first of his letters returned unopened. Receiver
unknown, return to sender. It had not stopped him from writing. Six long years,
right until he left home and went to search for her in person. He remembered
standing in front of the towering, smooth walls. He remembered spending weeks
on gathering information. But there was no trace of Sheena. Nobody knew her,
nobody remembered her face.
Axton had lost her trail there, too. He had speculated on her whereabouts, but
he had nothing to base his speculations on but second-hand hearsay. Whatever
happened behind those walls, stayed behind them. Almost like Kamino. But the
things that had happened in either place were in no way comparable. Vau closed
his eyes, but the images stayed with him anyway.
He had done the right thing on Kamino. The stats of his squads proved that. The
only commando squads that were still intact were his. The units of everybody
else had lost members and been torn apart. His father had not taught him a lot
that was useful, but he knew how to create survivors.
Delta did bang out and they did leave him behind. They acted like survivors and
that was why they would live. He didn't add the thought that it was only to die
another, fast approaching, day. Shab'la droten.
 
 
"It is just a Convent," she said, as if that made things better.
He would lose her and the one ally he had in this house. The stronghold that
might calm his father if only a little. The only protection he knew and the
only friend he trusted. "Don't go, Sheena."
She smiled. "What can I do?"
"Run away. I will help you." His eyes lit up. "I'll come with you."
They sat under a starlit sky, hidden away from prying eyes on one of the many
balconies of the mansion. She pulled up her legs and put her arms around them.
The moonlight made her pale face shine almost white. "Don't you think he will
find us?" She stared into the distance. "He would find us anywhere."
He knew Sheena was right. He just didn't want to accept it. In his mind he was
making frenzied plans of flight.
"Mum was mad at him at first, you know," she suddenly said. "She didn't want me
to go." Putting her head onto her knees the girl mumbled on. "She was already
planning my wedding. Did you know?"
He had not. He couldn't image her as a wife. She was only sixteen!
He couldn't say a word.
"Here," she held out her hand suddenly.
Surprised Walon opened his and she dropped a small item into his palm.
"My engagement ring. Won't need that anymore, will I?" Her voice was thin and
brittle.
The boy gazed at the thin silver band in his hand. A two white stones shone in
it like ghosts of diamonds, set into it right opposite each other. The light
seemed to fall through them as if they had no material existence. It was
beautiful, it would have looked perfect on her hand. Even if he could not
imagine any man at her side. "Sheena-"
"It's okay," she whispered. "I sneaked into mum's room and took it. I wanted to
have it. But I can't take it with me." A sigh escaped her. "I don't want to go,
Walon." She sounded desperate.
That moment, he would have given anything - anything - for the ability to
protect her. But he could do nothing. He didn't even manage to put his arm
around her shoulders.
 
 
It had been a cold night, and he could feel the cold even now. Inside the black
armour Vau shivered because the temperature was falling inevitably. From all
the ways he had thought he might die, this was not one. But it was not as
painful as it could have been. Only that it was also more painful in a way that
was nothing physical.
Of course Sheena had left only a few days after that stolen conversation. The
boy he remembered had stood on the stairs before the house, numb with disbelief
and pain. An embarrassing display of weakness and lacking self-control. It was
the one time he agreed with his father, though his means to remedy that had
been the same as usual. In the end they had worked. Vau couldn't suppress a
grim smile. Even without his sister's hand manoeuvring him behind her, he had
stood and lived. Right up to the day his father had gone one step to far.
 
 
"Who do you think you are?" His father frayed, shaking the ring in his closed
fist. "Stealing from your own mother and not having the guts to stand up for
it!"
He didn't lower his head. It would have been the wiser move implying
submission. But Walon didn't feel like submitting. Sheena had given it to him.
It was his for the safekeeping. There was no way to involve her in this though.
He was on his own, as he had been since the day she left. He only hoped that
the convent was really better than this.
"Do you have nothing to say?" The count demanded.
Walon kept silent.
There was no way he would betray Sheena's hand in this.
 
 
The count had raged and ranted. He had devilled and disciplined his son and
eventually even denied him the way into the Imperial Navy. Not good enough. And
he had to know, being an Admiral himself. It had taken several weeks for Vau to
realise that his father would never revise that spur-of-the-moment judgement.
It had taken less time to find out that the ring had indeed vanished from his
mother's jewel box.
No, he had not taken the ring from there, but had it been back, he would not
have hesitated to recover it. He had also no joined the Imperial Navy, his
father had made it impossible for his only son to do so. But still, here he
was, a better soldier than his father, without the personal grudges and
agendas. And as a better soldier he had trained even better soldiers.
There was the fleeting thought that using them for this had not been right.
Yes, it had been for them, too. But it had also been very much for himself.
Selfish. The real shame, Vau mused, was that the wealth was buried down here
with him, useless to them now. At least, since Delta would more likely than not
do the stupid thing and send some rescue party - shab'la di'kute, all of them -
they would get it then.
Diamonds didn't freeze. Deeds didn't die of the cold. And Skirata - bless his
annoyingly soft heart for a change - would know how to use it well. Of course,
they'd also sell the ring. After it had been so carefully retrieved from
banishment that was meant to last forever. After getting disowned he had played
with the idea of raiding Mygeeto a few times. It never had seemed worth the
trouble. It had never seemed that important. The ring was safe and neither his
mother and surely not his father would touch it. It was quite possible they had
forgotten about it by now.
He let his mind drift. Even if his former parents had forgotten, he had not,
would not. And surely not now. Information went where information must. Who
would have thought that Axton was still on the case? Bits of the report jumbled
through his thoughts, disjointed as the cold started to get the better of him.
... left the convent approximately twenty-eight years ago ... with a male of
unknown ... persecuted by the remaining ... fleeing ... nowhere safe ...
pregnant ... on the run ... any means necessary ... mercenaries ... from hiding
place to hiding place ... daughter ... found and -
Vau closed his eyes. This was the part he had to reread several times, back to
being a boy of foolish hopes. Of course it had stayed just the same each and
every time. She had been found eventually. There were bounty hunters and other
mercenaries in abundance who would jump on the easy job of a woman on the run.
That she had made it for a while was enough. That he knew made it worth it. He
had promised to get the ring back for her and he had. The coincidence seemed
almost to weird to be believable. But here he was, and here the ring was in his
possession. As I have promised.
There was no way he could give it to her anymore, but if the rumours Axton had
dug up were true - Vau stopped that train of thought right there. It was too
painful on the verge of death. But he was almost numb all over. How was he even
supposed to feel pain? His hand reached for the small box, but found he
couldn't move. That bad already. In which case it did would not really hurt to
think it. Hope was beyond reach. The Vau line might be extinct with his last
breath here. Or it might not.
The thought was surprisingly warm and comfortable as it slid into oblivion with
him.
***** Chapter 32 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
30.)_20_BBY
 
Patience is a virtue, especially in molecular biology. I sit and stare angrily
at my screen. I have identified the differing sequences. Jaing's system is
doing wonders for comparing them and I like it a lot. I told Kom'rk to say
thanks again. It is really useful.
He brought more data. Loads of it. There was a smile on his face reaching from
the core to Wild Space. I like it when he is happy. And I like when I can
contribute to it.
"Halfway through," I tell him indicating the files. There are a lot of
anomalies to look into. I still wished I had some unaltered data. It would make
things easier as I could preclude some of them. Or so I hope. But I will work
with what I have.
"Any of them obviously connected to the ageing process?" Kom'rk wants to know.
I point out a couple of sequences. "H-seventy-eight-b and H-eighty-eight,
that's where I worked before so the probability is high." We both know that
finding the sequences is just preliminary work. The coding of them is what
really matters. But the more I get done the better. The closer I get to the
goal, the less they will have to do. And they are so busy lately. Even Kom'rk's
visits seem scarce.
Looking up at him I want to memorise his face because I don't know when he will
be back. The knife lies in my hand as if I was to carve his face into memory.
He shows me how use it and my attempts all fail. But he is patient as always
and the knife is mine.
He is so close that I can feel his pulse beating against my skin. "Iviin'ycya,"
he whispers and my vision turns crimson. I thrust the knife against him
viciously, but he is Kom'rk and there is not much I can do. Still I feel it
tear something and then he his over me, the knife skittering away across the
floor.
His right hand closes in over my throat, ready to crush my windpipe any second,
his left still grips the wrist of my knife hand. His eyes are on black fire and
I can see where my knife has cut his shoulder. Blood is pooling there, slowly
and tentatively falling down on me.
"Ni ceta." The words form somewhere in my throat and find their way past his
fingers. They relax a little and I feel myself crying.
His hand moved away from my throat gently, slowly slipping down towards my
collarbones. But he doesn't stop there but inches his way down until he cannot
fail to feel the starting rise.
I try to move away, writhing my shoulders against the ground as the red flood
sloshes against me. But with a sudden he bends down and kisses me. I squirm as
the crimson creeps up my legs and fills me with small pains. But he keeps me
down. My mouth is on fire, but the crimson does not go away.
He gets up holding me close and showers me with words of black ash. It falls
around me like a curtain, shutting out the crimson slowly. I shiver and hang on
to the whispers as they cut into my hands like wire pulled too taut.
When I am calm again, Kom'rk lets go and puts me back in front of the screen.
Is it strange that work can keep me sane so easily? I smile at him. But I am
beat and broken inside, squishy and sore.
Chapter End Notes
     iviin'ycya - faster
     Ni ceta. - I am sorry. (Lit. "I kneel", rare grovelling apology)
***** Chapter 33 *****
31.)_20_BBY
 
The new data is amazing. It is so structured and everything you could imagine
you might need for the research is there. I cannot believe it and shake my
head. But the images stay the same, the charts and tables and schematics in
four dimensions.
I did not ask where he got it. I never ask and he smiles and looks at the
screen over my shoulder. "Going good?"
I nod. "Faster than ever, though that is still slow." I wished I was faster.
Though I know what it did to him and his brothers I wish for perfect recall so
I could be faster no matter what it'd do to my sanity. They're running out of
time and I am so damned slow.
At least the material I work with is fast. It grows like weed and globs of
something not human evolve in the small dishes. But it doesn't have to. That it
should grow so fast is all I need to know. Another sequence change
unsuccessful. Of course I expect nothing else. DNA is complicated and one
simple change won't affect much.
But I have to be thorough. I need to exclude the mere possibility. A check on
the negative test is one small piece of certainty gained. There are so few of
them. I concentrate on finding recessive traits. The change had been
manufactured for reasons and one precaution against the products simply walking
off and producing more products had been putting the changes in recessive
genes.
I hate thinking like that. It is reasonable and abominable. At least, should
any clones ever get around to have kids, those would be fine. I wonder for a
moment what kind of woman would want a husband ageing twice as fast as her. But
maybe that was not really important. Looking at the clones, I know what kind of
woman would want such a man.
Globs of cells get washed down the drain and the dishes are disinfected and
sterilised for another round of experiments. I work with little thought of
anything but the next series of experiments, the next small change and the
results that will get washed down the drain after extermination. Certainty in
tiny doses, and only things that do not work. I have to keep telling myself
that it is contributing too. If only I was better at believing it, too.
"You are doing fine." Kal's voice over a vidless link. "We are getting other
opinions, and they all agree with your general outline. Just keep at it,
ad'ika."
I nod and feel comforted for the time we talk. His voice has that kind of
effect. I believe him when he says I am doing fine. But as soon as he is gone,
I stare at the monitors, and globs of tissue and wonder what the frag I am
doing. Yes, single switch changes are all tested negative now, but I don't feel
accomplished. I have worked out a matrix of all possible combinations, but
every computer could have done the same.
"Only you can evaluate them for us and set up a hierarchy," Kom'rk says. "You
know what we are looking for."
He does not say 'you know what I am looking for', but I know it anyway. I make
my hand linger against his cheek, even when he puts his own over it. "I will
find it," I say with more conviction than I have.
He smiles and knows. And as his lips brush my palm, I fight against the crimson
in my head.
***** Chapter 34 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
32.)_20_BBY
 
I don't know what they did to him. He was taut and strained when he arrived, as
if a string inside him had broken. I don't know how to mend it. I keep feeding
him sweet tea and uj. He smiles but I can see that his eyes are somewhere else.
"You are the last hope," he says and the weight pulls me down.
I had not known there was somebody else working on the problem, but in
retrospect it seems only logical. I am not good enough to solve this. I can
only sort and arrange. Now there is only me. I can feel myself drown in the
responsibility. It is too much. How can I hope to save them all? I can't even
safe myself.
Even the nightmares are back. His voice echoes through the laboratory and all
my walls. There is a pang in my shoulder but I go anyway. There is no way I
cannot not go. Standing in the frame of the door and flooding his room with
light I call, but he doesn't hear. My shoulder remembers painfully the last
time I tried to wake him. A different approach is needed.
I pull my arms close before me and throw myself at him. My head bounces of his
chest, but not far, as arms like clamps close around me. I keep calling his
name to wake him, but it is difficult with my face pressed against him. I tap
my fingers against his chest, I scratch a little bit because I don't really
dare surprise him.
And then he wakes up and looks at me with black eyes. "Tera?"
Before I can answer he turns over and I find myself pinned under the big man
looking up into those eyes that tell me something I cannot explain.
"Tera." His lips come down upon mine and I feel crimson slosh around my toes
but there is nothing to be done. He breathes my name into my mouth.
His lips leave a thin trail of black fire down my throat and his hands move
down my sides, leaving trails of their own. And then they come up again,
bringing the shirt of my pyjamas with them and I whimper but his mouth has
pinned me down, trickling black fire into me.
He pushes the shirt over my head and I cringe as his hands run slowly up my
arms, lifting them over my head and then his mouth catches my throat again,
finding its way down my collarbone with little black marks in a crimson sea. I
try to free my hands from the sleeves, but there is crimson all around me. I
cannot concentrate.
Then a small black pinpoint of fire comes to life as his lips close around it.
I freeze, frightened by the reaction of myself, holding very, very still and
his hand closes around another point of fire and breathes air into it. I want
to cry, but there is no breath in my lungs. I gasp and try to push at him. My
tangled hands come down over his head, pulling him even closer and he spreads
the fire over me in black lines.
His mouth is closing in over mine again, tasting of sweet ash and black desire.
I want to scream as the crimson flood crashes into my back, but he holds me
tightly, and his hands move down again. I writhe under the crimson pressure,
swallowing the black breath full of my names and saving air. His skin burns
against mine and his hands close around my hips and there is no place to
scream.
I am split open and the crimson flood washes over me. I cannot scream, my mouth
still closed firm and black, but I writhe, cringe and feel his black pressure
against me. There is no way to flee and I cannot hold back the flood, split and
helpless, unable to cry even.
"Haa'tayli ni," he says into me and I open my eyes, scared and wide, the
crimson drowning me and his black pressure. His eyes are still black and
burning into me, making a small space free of crimson and then he finds his way
to stop the flood, pushing black fire into me. I want to scream but the fire
washes over me and there is but a sigh and I buck earning a groan in return as
he fills my mouth with black words and sweet ash again.
I manage to break my hands free, reaching for his shoulders, a tentative
counterpoint to his determined approach as he has found his way and advances
confidently. His lips find my throat and he locks them there as if he can
breath the black fire directly into my veins. For a while I simply burn in the
double beat of my heart and him.
The crimson flood is receding as he pushes the fire into me, deeper and up, and
I can feel my ribs tingle and my skin burns prickly up my sides. I have arms
again, brushing against him and feeling the soft scorch of skin and sweat. His
hands cup the black pinpoints of fire again connecting them to the rest of my
body and sounds escape me as his thumb softly graze over them, setting
everything alight.
I float between flood and fire detached and segregated, crimson below black
above and filling me. My back arches as I feel ready to burst, but the fire
keeps washing over me, wave after wave in a relentless rhythm, burning away the
remnants of red. I hold on to him tightly as the world explodes in cleansing
white so bright I have to scream. I cannot see; I am blinded until I realise I
just have my eyes closed.
The world is dark and silent but for our breathing. His lips graze my temple
and there is no crimson left to lurk. "Ne'ba'slana," I whisper. "Vurel draar."
And he kisses my hair and whispers black ash into it.
Chapter End Notes
     Haa'tayli ni. - Look at me.
     Ne'ba'slana. Vurel draar. - Don't leave me. Never ever.
***** Chapter 35 *****
33.)_19_BBY
 
I wake up against a body not mine. I blink a few times for the newness of
feeling, but nothing happens. I look over the chest I lie against, watch the
steady rise and fall of his breath and know he is not asleep. As if to confirm
my suspicion, he puts an arm around my shoulders. And nothing else happens. I
smile wondering into how long six hours of sleep translate if you live as fast
as he does. His heartbeat seems restless, racing away under my head.
The hand tightens around my shoulder. I let my lips graze against his skin and
realise that I can do that. Biting my lip, I put my arm over his waist because
I can do that. His lips move against my hair as my fingers trail the outline of
his hipbone. I realise I can do that. I can do anything I want. And then I
realise, I have never really had a look at a man.
I hoist myself up and stars sparkle in the black night of his eyes as he
catches my glance and returns the smile. His cheeks are rough with stubble and
his hair is soft, yielding under my fingers like expensive fur. There are lines
in the corners of his eyes when he smiles. I trace them and his jaw and the
soft skin of his forehead.
The veins at his throat pulse like living beings that go into hiding under his
collarbones. I trace his arms, and no matter what say say about being
fundamentally the same, he is not like me at all. In his hand mine seems tiny
and where he can close his fingers around my wrist easily, I need both hands to
hold his. There seem to be no straight lines about him, the curves of muscles
play all over his body. I didn't know humans had so many muscles. They all seem
visible on him.
His skin is soft, scarred in many places and warm. I lay my hand on his chest
and it feels as if energy is moving through his skin and mine right from his
heart into my hand. I put my face against his chest and listen to the rhythm of
his heart, beating almost twice as fast as mine, but not really. His hand comes
to rest on the back of my head, burying his fingers in my hair.
Tentatively I push against it and he yields. I feel his fingers slowly moving
down my neck, coming to rest between my shoulder blades. He is indulging me. I
can feel it in his eyes. As if it was the most normal thing in the world that I
should kneel next to him examining what I got. I realise I love him. I realise
that he he knows when I look at his face.
I lean down and place a kiss between his collarbones, just where they don't
meet. I let my lips trail a direct line upwards towards his mouth and he simply
arches back his head. It is not submission as I place ultimate trust up his
throat with smiling lips. His hand moves down my back as if there was nothing
on it and doesn't come to rest where it ends. I have a life time of lack and he
is living twice as fast as normal men.
He leaves with a smile on his lips that will make my heart miss a beat until I
die; I am sure of it. It would even now, as I am reduced to almost nothing but
human rubble. The mere thought of that smile makes me grin. There are things
they cannot take from you again. Not ever. And I cling to them because it is
all I have left.
That night I felt strangely lonely as I curled up under my blankets. Not quite
lonely. I thought of my face against his skin, arms enfolding me and clung to
the image until I fell asleep.
***** Chapter 36 *****
34.)_19_BBY
 
He arrives with that smile that makes my heart jump. And he knows it.
The spring is back in his steps and I can see plans he can't tell me about in
his eyes. I put my research into his hands. Finally something worth all the
work and worry.
"The tests will take a few months," I say. Proudly I show off the rows of Petri
dishes. Kom'rk doesn't come alone. He brings his brother Mereel who is really
into this matter. I love discussing the results and further proceedings with
him. His mind is overtaking itself. In that he reminds me of Kom'rk. But he is
also such a sweet-talker.
"Aw, come on," he slaps my shoulder playfully. "It'll stay in the family." His
grin is huge and impossible to resist; I burst out laughing. It never gets
boring with Mereel around but I have to be careful he doesn't gobble down all
sweets and there's some left in case Kom'rk does drops by.
"Has he been annoying you again?" he asks. "Hopeless philanderer." He glares at
Mereel pretty convincingly.
"You have no idea how much." I rub my cheek against his arm. "He keeps
correcting my research. It's impossible. I am sure he wants my job."
Mereel snorts. "You wish, vod'ika."
Sometimes I really do. Murtode is getting ever more annoying.
"I could clone him for you, then you can kill a few of him to relax." Mereel is
dead serious.
It scares me. Sometimes he just scares me out of the blue, but he doesn't even
notice. Brilliant and black, brilliantly splintered black. I cannot look at him
and play with one of the Petri dishes instead. "Thank you, but I don't feel
like killing somebody."
He gives me one of those looks saying that I am the crazy one here, not him.
Maybe he is right. "You hide behind the impersonal approach of using
bioengineering," he says. "It'll kill somebody eventually."
I am afraid it is true. And I have thought of it. Sometimes, alone in the cold
nights thinking of Kom'rk and sometimes, in his arms thinking of a dead man in
crimson armour. Lives have been compromised and sometimes I feel like lashing
out and paying back with interest.
But I am still here and so is Kom'rk. I kiss him goodbye until Mereel makes a
snorting noise. But I don't know when I will see him again. It is always too
long. I stand on tiptoe and kiss Mereel's cheek. "You take good care of him,
won't you?"
He ruffles my hair and laughs.
Then they are gone again.
***** Chapter 37 *****
35.)_19_BBY
 
Now Mereel visits more often than Kom'rk. On a purely productive scale this is
sensible. He knows a lot about bioengineering and he's been at it only so very
shortly. I am amazed each time he returns and has puzzled something together I
have been puzzling over for months. It might have frustrated the scientist in
me if my interest in the project had not been so very personal. As long as it
gets solved, I do not care who does it. The sooner the better.
"This is the right track," he points at a sequence. "We will combine it with
the recessive traits at Nine-A."
"Did Fourteen-B get ruled out already?" I want to know. Parts of the research
have been outsourced. Partly to get more opinions, partly to speed up the
process. Sometimes, I wonder if they forget to tell me things. But usually it
is not things I need to know. Sometimes it worries me that there are things I
don't need to know.
“Not yet, but it doesn't look promising.” Mereel calls up a few charts and we
look at them in disappointed silence. “Kom'rk will be back soon,” he says into
the silence. “Things might get a little hasty soon after that.”
I do not ask. But I will save progress even more often, secure it in
triplicate. Stash it away in places strong enough to survive the destruction of
Ketaris. I make sure the data will be useful even after that and should the
incident include my own death. They need the data more than me.
Except maybe Kom'rk who holds on to me like a drowning man surfacing from
another nightmare I cannot keep away. But his smile when he finds me at the end
of the terror tells me that it is more than he expected. I run my fingers along
his temples. I cradle his head to my chest. I recite the progress we made.
Until we are asleep again and only the greying morning disturbs the silence.
“Not much longer.” He kisses me goodbye and I am thinking of a small place on a
faraway planet, snow-covered and ready to take me in again. Sometimes Kom'rk
calls from there and I see the walls of Kyrimorut behind him and all is well.
This is what I am working for.
I smile and can laugh with him. Sometimes people pass in the background, there
was a clone shaky on his legs, a woman at his side. Kal passing with thunder on
his face or a spring in his step. And the black one, Vau, not reacting to my
waving and little smile of thanks. He's not social, Kom'rk shrugs. That's okay.
I don't think many of us are.
Mereel sure is and his voice can chatter away a day on Ketaris, talking about
everything he can tell and never slipping a single word he mustn't. “Good job,
vod'ika.” He slips the latest update into one of his many pockets. “This is
something we have been looking for.”
I am happy. We are making progress. And he keeps assuring me, as Kom'rk does,
that it won't be much longer. I keep the laboratory in order. I am ready to
leave on a call.
***** Walon Vau: Ghosts *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It was coincidence, plain and simple. Walon Vau was certainly not in any way
drawn to the forming community. Was not there because he got along well with
Etain. Or because Mird made whimpering noises when he had to let the pregnant
Jedi out of sight. He could lend a hand motivating the aiwha bait, though the
Nulls were doing good work in that respect. They were in and out of the
building site called Kyrimorut on their travels.
It was a convenient place to stop. And that was the main reason he returned.
And that was the main reason he returned in between his tasks. One of those had
been loitering at the site of an unmarked grave and being incapable of
returning an item that had come into his possession again. Vau was sure the
deceased would understand. Among the more futile pursuits was a great amount of
sifting data. He was getting nowhere with that.
Sometimes he considered asking one, or maybe all, of the Nulls to help out a
little. Not too much, after all it was not that important, was it? Just an
idea, just a hunch and a shabla load of data. Kom'rk was in at the moment. One
of the less talkative of Skirata's sons. Vau skirted around the main room,
mulling over another dead end. There were few people as adept in hiding their
traces as Mandalorians. And that was the one thing his research had yielded.
Kyr'tsad.
It was the laughter that had caught him unawares. Like silver icicles the past
shot through time and space, slamming into him and almost bringing him to a
sudden stop. Walon knew that laughter. It had been a long time since last he
heard it. And even back then, it must have been over half a century by now, the
sound had been rare. A bright sparkle in a dark world and all too easily
quenched. Walon remembered how making Sheena laugh had been one of the quests
in a childhood he did not think about. Often.
It turned out to be nothing but a comm call. Kom'rk sat at the table in the
main room, looking at a holo transmission. Half a girl hovered over the table;
thin, with long dark hair and dark eyes. She laughed again. The walls of his
father's house stood around Walon suddenly, and that laughter crept up from the
past.
Kom'rk turned around, a movement that brought Vau back to the present. Somehow
they always knew when you were watching. He acknowledged the Null with a curt
nod not not sure if he took his eyes from the image over the table. From what
he knew about the going-ons in the clan he realised that she must be Kom'rk's
girl. The kid Kal once saved and who conveniently turned into his personal
bioengineer.
Seeing her partner distracted the comm girl asked something he couldn't
understand and Kom'rk explained. Her face lit up, she turned her head in the
direction Kom'rk had indicated and smiled. Vau knew that smile, as if he had
seen it yesterday. She waved and looked nothing like the starved waif he
remembered Kal saving. She looked happy and like an exact copy of the sister he
remembered.
Vau left Kom'rk to the conversation, moving on as if nothing had happened.
There had not, for all anybody knew. And just a little time ago he would have
shaken it off as inanity, softness, indulgence. The dead don't return for an
encore. And if Axton had been certain in one point, it had been Sheena's
demise. Fourteen years. She was already dead for fourteen years. And there was
no place marked as her grave, nowhere to go, nothing to remember. Vau knew. He
had been there.
It had been in that unmarked place that he had made retrieving her ring a solid
plan instead of a mere idea. One last thing he could do for a sister he could
not save. It did not have to make sense. But now he could not think of
returning the ring she had once given him. But then he maybe didn't have to. He
might be able to hand it on, as it should have been.
He stopped that train of thought. It was no good, not now, not under these
circumstances. Not unless he had certainty. And though the implication were
strong, he was not willing to risk being wrong. Not in this. There were still
some gaps to be filled. After all it had been thirteen years after Sheen had
fled from the coven. Thirteen years unaccounted for and then fourteen. It added
up in numbers alright. But that was not enough by far.
Kyr'tsad. That was another indicator. The urge to spit almost overcame him. If
they had not incurred Vau's animosity already by being bad for business, he
would have grown one now. As things stood, he just had to build upon the
resentment he already harboured. And if had not been more than likely the group
they had wiped out back then, that had killed Sheena, Walon would have swapped
armour with Skirata for a sharp, short and very unsavoury little crusade.
He reframed the extration mission in his memory. Not just a job, not just
another mission, but revenge and justice in one. And a new beginning. Possibly
a new beginning. It was still his decision and his alone. And he demanded more
evidence. More reliable intel.
His sister's hand reached out from the past, putting herself between him and
the count. Vau sighed. There was not really a decision, not if what he
suspected was the truth. There was one easy way to find out. The question was
if he really wanted to know. A question he had asked himself only days ago. A
question he had even answered in the lonely cold of approaching death. Vau
glanced at the place a small box was stowed away safely. And he hesitated.
Chapter End Notes
     Kyr'tsad - Death Watch
***** Chapter 39 *****
36.)_19_BBY
 
The call never comes. I stand in the laboratory with another disappointment on
my hands and face. I close the last of the datastorages and stare at my failure
that is growing too fast. Much too fast, always too fast.
The door opens and a group of t-visors appear. Only when I realise those are
not the right colours, do I look again. No, those are not my vode. Blasters are
pointed at me, a crimson armour takes the lead. I grab a datacard, almost
invisibly, sneakily and try to hide it. It is precious. It contains white noise
and red herrings, artfully compiled by Mereel. Mereel, who should be standing
in that door poking good-natured fun at Kom'rk who was still hunting prey
hidden somewhere out in that big galaxy.
The leader sees it and I can feel his gaze on my hand through the helmet. He
has found what he was looking for, all of it. I do not smile. I keep my face
unmoved. Mereel will not come. But when he does, he will find the last data
safe and secure. I do not smile. I face the crimson leader and wait.
"We are here to bring you to your new laboratories," he says. "Your research
here is done."
I look at them and around. I am far from done here and we all know it. "Did
Murtode send you?" I want to know.
He snorts. "Murtode is but a henchman. We have orders from his boss. So pack up
kid. We're leaving."
"I am not." I cross my arms in front of me. "I am not finished here and I am
not leaving."
"Do you like being alive?" He threatens. "Because then you better do what we
say."
"If I am dead, I can't work at all," I counter. "It's a risk I am willing to
take."
He seems surprised. Maybe he didn't expect much of an opposition. But his
helmet does not scare me. With a shrug he fires into the main computer. The
screen breaks and sparks sizzle through the room. He fires again and the
processors stop. "Oops."
I spit and manage to hit his visor dead centre.
Slowly he levels his blaster at me. "Order form the boss. You work for him. Or
you stay with us for a while - until you do."
"You cannot afford my kind of accommodation," I state. I will not be moved. If
they insist, they need to do their dirty work themselves. Not that they have a
problem with that. There is a soft click and the world explodes in blue fire.
***** Chapter 40 *****
37.)_19_BBY
 
When I wake up, I am not in my laboratory anymore. I could be anywhere; a small
room with no windows can be found everywhere. My hands are tied before me, but
the cuffs are tight and allow for no real movement. When I try, they cut into
the skin. I bleed. Nothing new there.
Nothing happens for a long while. Is it night? Is everybody asleep but me? Or
are they just biding their time? I cannot know. There is no light from the
outside. I can never know. And I must not believe what they tell me either. The
truth has to be inside me. There is no other truth, nothing real but what I
brought with me.
I can wait. I keep still and make no fuss. Let them think me meek. I am not
thirteen anymore. I close my eyes again and begin the long wait. It is said to
be the hardest part, to wait until something, most likely dreadful, happens to
you. I never thought so. I think the most dreadful part is when something
dreadful actually happens and there is no place inside your head to hide. I
make space. I empty out corners of it that went unused for a long time.
I put memories of Kom'rk into the nooks and niches. I place trust there, and
the knowledge of all the results I had in my head and the experiments that were
running and how much time it would take to repeat and where my documentations
ends and if Kom'rk will find the files. If Ketaris is still there he will find
them.
He's Kom'rk, I trust him.
I love him.
And then there's Mereel. He is more into the matter than me even. He will work
something out. He will stop the ageing. Even if I won't make it back again,
they will have their triumph in the end. This I must believe. I did all I
could. This is not about me. They will get along just fine without me. This
might just be the end. I will wait. They have nothing to threaten me with,
because I know it all already.
Still, they talk, they taunt. They destroyed all the samples and experiments. I
want to scream hot anger at them, but I show nothing. If I show them where it
hurt, they will only prod harder. So I let them talk and I let them threaten
and listen to their demands and say no word. This is my head and there is no
space inside of it for them.
They try to make some space. With words first, but those words have no power
over me. I would laugh, but why show them anything? Don't let it show. Let
nothing show. Let them talk. Then they turn to beating space into my head,
cutting and bleeding it. But those are pains I know. They don't scare me.
 
Murtode seems to be out of the equation completely. His name is never
mentioned. They talk of their boss, the real and only power in the galaxy. He
wants my work, my research, my compliance. Well, no, sir. I respectfully
decline to be manhandles into that box. Been there, done that. Kill me, if you
must, but don't expect me to cooperate to my imprisonment again. I don't care
if the cage is golden and life carefree.
I close my eyes and think of Kom'rk. Some things they cannot take away. You
just have to know it.
There is a surprised exclamation as they finally venture into more physical
attacks and rip my shirt off. I straighten up and as one of them spins me
around. I come within inches of his visor before I catch myself. I stand,
staring at him, raising my chin a little higher. I know them. I know all they
can do to me. A predatory smile creeps onto my lips.
***** Chapter 41 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
38._)19_BBY
 
My hands are cuffed behind my back, pulled into a tight, painful angle. I would
still smile like a wolf if my lip was not burst, swollen and crusted with
blood. No, they did not like that. But they are holding back. I don't know why
and I am not sure I am grateful. The worst fear is the fear of fear.
My head is pulled up and find myself staring up into the visor of that crimson
armour. It would be more intimidating if there was no black smile on my heart.
But there is and the crimson stays a colour on plates that have taken a wrong
turn.
"Aruetii," I spit at him.
The back of his hand catches me across the face. Another of the easier pains as
skin rips and a wet trickle starts down my face. I'll live. And they won't. But
they don't know it yet.
They still have not touched me. Oh, they beat me plenty and repeatedly and with
quite some enthusiasm, but they do not lay their hands on me. I wonder what
they are waiting for.
 
 
Chapter End Notes
     Aruetii - can mean anything from stranger to traitor
***** Chapter 42 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
39.)_19_BBY
 
They try to hurt me here and now, but that doesn't really work. They are
preceptive enough to realise that. And they watch out for the little signs, the
way I wince when New Crimson approaches just after another beating. They see my
back and far back.
They try to hurt me in the past now, dropping words of putrid red and calling
for me in the language of deluge.
"K'olar."
I cannot allow them the power over me but the big pains show my small
reactions. He laughs because he knows he found a way to creep back under my
shell. His gloved hands hold my face painfully tight. "Ner cuy."
The smile of the wolf is gone and I cannot find it anymore.
"Shi sirbu haar miit," he taunts me, but I know it is a lie. If I say yes they
will not let me go, they will just let me work. I don't even know if they will
stop the pain. I do not need to be whole to work, I need my head and fingers,
but that is all.
New Crimson decides the time to wait was over. It is not as if there was much
of a shirt left over to start with. But he loosens the cuffs a little, pries my
arms apart so he can appreciate the thing on my back fully. I dare not roll my
relieved shoulders. He outlines the thing on my back with a gloved finger
humming to himself.
"I have leave to do to you whatever necessary to ensure your compliance," he
purrs into my ear.
I wonder if he feels at least slightly inconvenienced. My face lies against the
cold permacrete floor and he has to crouch beside me, bending his head all the
way down to bring me those news that are none.
I feel the outline on my back and the soft clicking of a vibro knife springing
from a knuckle plate. For a moment it hums against my skin, only a threat. But
he pushes one hand under me and the tiny space between blade and skin is
closed. I would feel the pain of it if I could, but small pains crawl down my
chest. The crimson is flowing from my back which doesn't make sense because his
fingers squeeze at the front. As I open my mouth it is flooded and I cannot
breathe but gasp.
"I don't mind if you don't make it easy," he hums still. "I prefer this a lot
to you sitting before some screen being all useful to somebody else."
 
 
Chapter End Notes
     K'olar - come!
     Ner cuy - you're mine
     Shi sirbu haar miit - just say the word
***** Kom'rk: Memories *****
"Since you have perfect recall, I have to make sure, I only give you good
memories - memories worth having." She is dead serious about it despite the
enormous grin on her face. And considering the memories since then - yes
definitely making sure.
But I like this one.
That thin slice of person lying on top of me radiating happiness. Her chin
propped up on those tiny fists of hers that rest on my chest, and such a smile.
Her dark eyes light up, turning almost translucent; like expensive tea in even
more expensive china. I like how happy she is.
Her skin is cool against mine. If I want to feel her chest rise and fall with
her breathing, I have to hold her very tight. She is a tiny bit of person. When
I saw her on the Jubilee Wheel for the first time, I wondered what Kal'buir
wanted with such a kid. Her size always makes her seem impossibly young.
The night of thousand words - I might not have asked her, if she had not, for
all in the galaxy, looked like a lost child. Sitting on the floor of my room
and wiping her blood from it; thinking nothing about having her shoulder
dislocated talking about small pains much worse.
I don't touch on that memory. It is painful, more so now that I am not looking
at her as a tortured child anymore.Those bastards almost took her apart. I
tighten my hold on her, almost able to cover the small of her back with one
hand. She smiles and snuggles up to me, placing her cheek against my chest.
I lay my other hand around her neck. Slim like the rest of her, I could snap it
between my fingers. She doesn't care. She rubs her cheek against me, stretches
out to try the impossible and touch her toes against mine. Maybe she truly is
the younger of us two, her first thirteen years lost and another two wasted. Or
she is just making sure again.
It is the memory I draw upon when I realise – again - that she is not there. It
is the memory that I call upon knowing we didn't find her yet. It is the memory
I keep as a promise of the future when all other thought is centred around the
a storm of violent revenge, blood drenched dreams of splintering bones, frayed
flesh and broken limbs. Because we will find her and then -
But I like this one.
That tiny slice of person smiling down on me with my whole future in her eyes.
***** Chapter 44 *****
40.)_19_BBY
 
New Crimson is still mostly threatening. Yes, he is playing the game of the red
pains, but he is just pretending. His hands imply and so does his leer, but he
never takes off a single bit of clothing. I am not sure this reassures me.
Maybe he is just biding his time. Maybe he is trying to lull me into a false
sense of security. Maybe it is not important at all.
I lie on my stomach, always on my stomach now because my back becomes encrusted
with the ground if I lie on it and I black out if they pry me loose. Sometimes
I approve because the stink and pain make me faint. That is nice. Though they
probably don't just stop when I black out. My back feels flayed and splintered,
savaged and mauled. Sometimes that is nice, too because I can't concentrate on
the crimson threats.
Threats, threats and more words. Words dripping of crimson. Even behind closed
eyes I can see them hovering over me ready to pounce. I have forgotten time
again, he is an elusive one. By now they realised they'll have to really break
me, if they want anything. I am not sure they have the permission to do that.
They waver, they try and then pull back from the edge of scattering as if
afraid of the consequences.
So I endure. Sometimes I cannot remember why. Pinpoints of black hover at the
edge of my vision, and darkness waits at the corners of consciousness. It is
important and sometimes I know the name of the night waiting for me. He is
elusive too, even though I tried to anchor him in the dark and hidden places of
my soul.
This is taking too long. I am not that strong. I don't feel strong at all. Have
I not been here before? I cannot live two years like this again. I want to give
up. What else can I do? Holding on to only black wire vanishing into the night?
How can it save me? But it is taut and keeps me taut, coiled somewhere deep
inside where they cannot reach, but neither can I.
They still try to get me to work. Why? Why? Why? Shouldn't they give up? Who is
pushing them to such deeds? Who scares them too much to go all the way or
simply stop. I close my eyes because I cannot find an answer and the questions
are easier to ignore in the darkness of my head.
***** Chapter 45 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
40.)_19_BBY
 
I do not bleed. I hurt all over, but I do not bleed. This is on purpose. There
is only a thin layer separating the outside from me. Me, an accumulation of
hard and pointy bits embedded in a lot of squishy pulp. Pulp even more squishy
now, pushed and shoved around inside this breakable gauze in ways it wasn't
supposed to.
The translucent skin turns opaque, dark, blue, purple, sore to any touch,
sensitive, delicate, damageable. With thin fingers they stir patterns into the
yielding surface, pushing the pain around.
“Solus miit,” he taunts. “Shi solus miit.”
The black smile is purple, dark and bruised and there is one word in my mind
but it is not making much sense. Gauntlet. My eyes find it, crimson on brown.
It is not making sense and his fingers push pain around on my bubbled skin.
“Ner cuy.” The whisper pins me to the floor as he scrutinises my fingers
diligently. He knows I need them should I break, but damage doesn't have to be
permanent.
“You have such pretty eyes. You should not hide them behind those lashes.”
Small pains fill my face and don't make sense overall, they should be too small
to matter.
“Naas ven'haa'tayli gemas olar.” I can hear the smile in his hum. And I have
too much hair, but not much longer. I didn't care I had hair on my arms. I wish
I still didn't. Like long pins inserted backwards. One after another. He's
right because nobody sees that hair.
I stretch my arm and wonder why there is so much darkness but no gauntlet to
protect it. But why should there be one? I have forgotten. I stare in stupid
wonder. There is something I have forgotten. I think.
Chapter End Notes
     Solus miit. Shi solus miit. - One word. Just one word.
***** Chapter 46 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
40.)_19_BBY
 
I bleed blue pain. It has taken rather long, not sure how long, but any time
seems long when spent in pain. So I bleed. It is a slow and sticky process, I
can feel myself smear all over the ground. I didn't know one could extend like
that.
But slowly the soft pain on my separating layer is opened, bit by bit and never
so much that all of my consciousness could escape through it. I watch the dark
gunk that was me once. I feel the barbs of fire stuck into my skin, hooked and
pulled taut, pulled taut and then pulled taut until something rips. That tends
to be me, I think.
Crimson watches with interest. I am like the experiments I conducted, on the
other side of the glass, looking out of the putrid petri dish of my life. His
vibro knife hums, like an angry bee humming me into an uneasy sleep that is a
painful nightmare.
Dark crumbly pearls drop from my body and catch attention. The knife hums them
into pieces, friable bits of former female. His glance rests on me.
“Solus miit,” he repeats. “Shi solus miit.”
I have no word for him. My mouth is dry; it tastes of blood, so how can it be
so dry? When I try to close my eyes, he pries the lids open.
"Haa'tayli ni," he says and something rears up to cast him onto the ground.
There are hands all over my skin, painfully impressing the shape of hands into
me. I cannot stop them. I cannot stop me. The ground stops me.
He lifts my skin where the blue pain left sticky traces. His fingers probe my
inside. They make space that where no space should be. But he places a shard of
himself in it, a small splinter of metal, a tiny chip of the armour, a small
crimson pain where no crimson pains should be able to reach.
”Pearls grow from dirt. If stupid mussels can do that, so can you, right?”
I can see the white growing, bumps of white where the purple had been.
“Solus miit,” he repeats. “Shi solus miit.”
I know that word. It surrounds me slowly, hovering over me in red slices,
cutting into my limbs like a thin cord of crimson glass, leaving lines all over
my skin.
Aaray.
One word. But it is enough.
The split purple smile fades into forbidden crimson and I smile no more.
I wonder if there is something I forgot. Then I forget about it under the
imminence of the one word, circling me on crimson wings.
 
 
Chapter End Notes
     Solus miit. Shi solus miit. - One word. Just one word.
     Haa'tayli ni. - Look at me.
     Aaray - pain
***** Walon Vau: Hut'uun *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
He would not have called himself a fearful man. But right now Walon Vau was
afraid of a simple message. It had arrived in the morning. It was almost
midnight.
Getting old and soft and indecisive. It was not a combination he had expected
to ever see on himself. But then he had never really thought about getting old.
It was the stretch on Kamino that had done it. Eight years straight without the
chance of getting killed. It made you older than you expected.
It was easier to focus on Kamino. Eight years on that storm-battered planet
cooped up in impeccably sterile cities. Eight years spent drilling discipline
into children. Eight years of turning kids into commandos, into survivors. It
was easier to think about that.
Small figures in blue fatigues, their tiny hands curled around blasters. Dark
eyes observing carefully how to take human physiology apart, a filament at a
time. Boys going down under simunition, going down from his own hand. But it
was easier to think about that now. And they did not go down anymore when they
started using live rounds. At least not many.
It was a lot easier to think abut that.
Mird lay curled up beside the bed, half sprawled on his back, his feet
twitching now and then as he hunted in his dreams. It had not been easy for him
on Kamino either. Only polished duracrete. No natural scents, nothing to hunt
but aiwha bait. He was easy to sick onto the commandos. He was efficient as
well. And seeing what kind of monsters awaited the commandos in the universe,
he would not be their worst nightmare for long.
Vau had not considered it possible that a message could be some kind of
nightmare. He gazed at the blinking screen for a while. One new message. One
new. Message. Mird twitched and turned over with a yowl. Monsters were easy.
All you needed was the right kit. Decisions like this were less easy to handle
and much less predictable in their consequences.
He had spent the better part of the day considering possibly consequences and
had filtered them down to the most likely scenarios plus the most unpleasant
ones. It was not as if he was unprepared. And still he hesitated.
He had grown men; over a hundred of them, turned them into fierce soldiers and
unrivalled survivors. He would not have to do a lick of raising on that one.
That was most likely a part of the problem. Even with an affirmative, he had no
claim. Aliit ori'shya tal'din.And she had found her aliit already.
In the end, he reasoned, it might not matter at all. Family was what you made
it. And that was open to him as much as to her. At the touch of a button the
message unfolded. It was crammed full with the usual legalese. He skimmed over
the words.
... with a probability of 99,8% that the subjects are related....
Vau leant back on his heels. So he had his answer. The real question was what
he would do with it now. He re-read the message and deleted it. This was his
problem.
 
Chapter End Notes
     Aliit ori'shya tal'din. - Family is more than blood.
***** Chapter 48 *****
40.)_19BBY
 
I am the pain that tortures me. That I should still be here, that I should not
have given up. I don't remember what that means, but it sounds promising. Give
up. I have nothing to give, they have taken it all.
They break open the white, the pearls of pain, and empty their contents over
me, over the floor, over their laughter. I know the skirting knife and the more
I think about it, the less it is used. They come to an end. Or maybe I do.
Could we ever agree on something?
He speaks in the crimson language, but I am too bound and broken to do
anything. So I just let the red-hot words rip over me. They leave blazing
trails on what is left of me. I know I am still here. Who else would feel this?
So I must be here still. I think I am waiting for something. I can't remember
what. What would a piece of pain wait for?
Obliteration.
Nothingness.
Black – something.
Maybe it will come to me again and then I will remember how to give up and what
that means. I think I can still wait. To wait is just to be here and feel the
pain and know I am still here to feel it, waiting for something that I can only
know when it happens.
So I feel the pain and I wait. I watch their colours come and go. The pain only
comes, it never goes. I wonder if one crimson intrusion would not be a
blessing, snuffing out what is left to wait, because I know that it would be
the last, the one unbearable invasion. The end. But it is the one irruption
that doesn't happen. Everything else on me feels more than ruptured, breached,
pierced.
A black spear driving through my memories and dark light showing who I am. I
cannot stand it.
***** Chapter 49 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
41.)_19_BBY
 
The yellow one is new. I wonder if she is the girl from back then. She is
furious and knows how to inflict pain. That is okay, I have a lot of experience
receiving it. That only makes her more angry. She calls down dread on me but it
doesn't come. I have nothing left to dread.
So she calls on the usual pains again. I wonder what they are trying to
achieve. I am done for. If my work is worth anything, it is has to be worth
something without me. I want to laugh, but it is just a chocked noise. Even if
they have my research, all of it, they can never have Mereel. And he will sure
find the answers I couldn't fathom.
Yellow doesn't care about breaking points, she is pushing me there. Slowly. Of
course, slowly, where would be the fun otherwise? Does she realise I know?
Maybe the slump of my body tells her. Maybe the effort I am not making anymore
tells her. I am just waiting for this to be over - one way or another.
She snorts and insults me. That I am weak and worth nothing. That I am a waste
of space and her time. That she doesn't care what the men do when she leaves.
Doesn't she realise, I don't care? I know all about men - truly all. They
cannot frighten me, only hurt me. Been there, done that. The black wire
anchored in my heart pulls taut and I get up again. I don't know why, because
there is no need to face the end standing up when you'll die lying down
repeatedly. But I cannot let her think me beaten. I don't want to go out scared
and broken. I want to go open-eyed; seeing, knowing and - shaking?
I can feel the shaking of the ground. Small and brittle at first, scuttling
footsteps of tiny paws shaking the floors softly. And in the way they hold
themselves I see the advancing of footsteps long awaited. Dread is on them now.
They know it. Time is running out.
Frenzy, parts of it directed at me, is spreading. And the shaking is growing,
parts of it coming from me. I can hear the dull thuds that vibrate in my bones
more than the structure around me. Dark booms of doom. Some of them leave, to
face the approaching storm and drown in it. I don't want to be them. The storm
doesn't know what they did; it doesn't care.
It swipes through the place and the yellow woman looks at me. I cannot see her
eyes but I feel her think. This was a mistake. But she cannot give in. I see
her muscles work in the way the plates shift subtly. She doesn't want to go
down alone. But you can't take me with you, not the place you're going to. I
cower, curl up like a spring.
She doesn't take the bait. She is not that stupid. But she doesn't have to.
There is not much I could do and none of it includes covering the space between
her and me. Staccato fire hums in my sore muscles and approaches with the thud
of heavy boots. My whole world shakes and her determination, too.
Then she comes at me, vibro knife ready to rob the intruders of victory. But
she doesn't know me and I know all about pain. As she thrusts at my throat, I
bury her knife in my shoulder, clean cut right under the collarbone. I drop,
taking the knife with me and her too before she realises and lets go.
Automatically I reach for the knife and feel her boot on my fingers. Down,
pushing me down and down, but there is no small pain ahead if I meet the floor,
only the knife. I chuckle, because she doesn't know and I am not broken. With a
final kick the hilt of the knife snaps my clavicle.
The door bursts open with shuddering walls and there is a surprised sound as
she tries to turn around, and neatly cuts her own throat on a knife in the
process. A storm is raging behind her. I pull at the knife. These are but the
big pains that heal easily. And there is a storm coming ravaging all in his
way. My fingers curl around the hilt, this is mine. I get up as the yellow
woman is methodically reduced to nothing, whirled around helplessly in a storm
of black anger. I approach it. The end is mine. I am still here.
He is radiating dark fire and as his arms close around me the predatory smile
returns to my flayed lips. The plates feel cold against my skin and I leave a
red mark on his chest where my mouth is pressed against the armour. He doesn't
have to say it.
He does so anyway. "Su cuy'gar."
 
 
Chapter End Notes
     Su cuy'gar. - Hello. Lit.: You're still alive.
***** Chapter 50 *****
42.)_19_BBY
 
I can't let go of the knife. My fingers are curled around it and they don't
open. I stare at it while the room fills with people. There's one in black. I
hope it's the same from the first rescue. I try to smile at him. Maybe he saw,
there's a short nod, angry. He leaves. There is another one beside Kom'rk. He
wears gold but is not Kal. His visor scans me and he puts down his backpack.
"He's a good medic," Kom'rk says. His hand closes around mine and softly pries
the knife free. I look at him only half understanding. He puts his hand on my
chest just above my left breast. It comes off all bloody. I cannot take it with
my left hand. I reach out with the right, there is no knife I it. I stare.
"This might be a bit painful," a voice behind me says. I turn around. The man
has taken off the helmet. He smiles. In his hand he offers me a collection of
pills. "Mij Gilamar; Mando, medic, man with a grudge."
I tilt my head to the side. He holds up a bottle of water with the other hand.
"Painkillers anyone?"
I take them from him and swallow obediently. He picks something that looks like
a big injector and starts spreading grey stuff over my bleeding bits. It is
painful. I think. Not really. Like you can feel the cells divide and
reattaching and skin closing and it is not pleasant but burning. He turns me
around and does not follow the weld on my back but systematically covers cuts
and burns from top to bottom.
Something cold clings to my left shoulder and I am turned again. He still
smiles and gives me a piece of cloth. I look down shortly and take it between
my teeth. The collarbone is held in place by something that looks like
duracrete. But I can move a little. My left arm is mostly limp.
Kom'rk handles me into a jumpsuit. I smile at them and Mij returns it with a
grim smile of his own. He has seen worse. He has done worse. He killed another
man of the Death Watch and disposed of him in a river. I approve.
The companion did not approve when she found out. She was beyond angry and I
wonder if there was something like love between them. And when she found one of
Kal's family she taunted him with their futile quest and their last lost hope.
She did not know she was wrong. And she taunted the wrong clan.
I can see the black rage in his eyes still and the sheer determination to
annihilate everything that dared happen to me, everybody who dared think of
making something happen to me. He puts the knife back into my hand, the left
one now, and my fingers tighten. I took this knife. The blood on it is mine.
This is mine.
"I have a present for you," Kom'rk says. He takes my hand and leads me away.
"Acun Gedyc."
Acun Gedyc. That is the name of the man in crimson. Acun Gedyc. I let it roll
over my tongue and through my head. The crimson is only on armour plates as I
follow Kom'rk, my fingers bouncing off his knuckle plate. But I don't have to
have a firm grip on the gloved hand. It clamps around mine fast.
Come to think of it, this is the first present he's ever given to me.
 
***** Walon Vau: Encore Une Fois *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
There was not much left to do in the wake of Kom'rk. The Null ARC swept through
the corridors like an angry rancor leaving only bleeding death and broken
destruction behind. It was at the same time satisfying and annoying Walon Vau.
Satisfying because he knew that she would never want for better protection,
annoying because it left him nothing to do. There might have been more
resistance if their rapid entry had triggered the alarms and brought down the
whole crew on them. But Kom'rk could be crafty even when he stormed a
stronghold without much of a plan. The inhabitants were awake, yes, but
alarmed? No.
They were almost in the heart of the building and had seen only occasional
opposition. Vau watched with interest what an angry Null with a vibroblade and
a grudge could do to sloppily donned armour. The sheer animal ferocity was
quite something. It was a dangerous thing, getting a Null ARC angry. Most
people didn't do it a second time, mostly because they ended up too dead to
give it another shot. With the precision Kom'rk and his brothers were capable
of, Vau didn't think any armoured Mandalorian would come out on top of such a
fight. It didn't matter how well the gaps between the beskar were closed. Nulls
would slice through that millimetre like surgeons.
They spread out, clearing the scum from corridors and rooms as they came upon
it. Each had an eye out for the girl, Kom'rk's girl, Mij's patient, his ba’ad.
It was a strange feeling, to find that a job was suddenly personal.
Walon was not sure if he actually wanted to find her. His imagination
concerning torture was very detailed; it was a side effect of knowing a lot
about it. And he was an expert. Finding such expertise applied to a member of
your own family – so far that had been a pleasant pastime to relieve stress, an
advantage of hating the guts of your blood relatives. He had zero experience
with caring for actual blood family. It was somewhat worrisome.
And yet here he was, volunteered to yet another rescue mission of his  own
ba’ad.   Sisterdaughter  . At least this time he  actually  knew  why  he was
in for.  It was probably a blessing that Sheena was not around to see what had
happened to her daughter. Not your fault, he reminded himself.  T racking  a
flitnat, even if you knew it and were a Null, still  took time and there was
nothing that could have made Kom'rk work faster.   Not your fault. Just make
sue she gets out alive and unbroken enough.
The o n ly  risk  was that they were still  carrying the contagious immunogen .
Not that the   shabla hut’uune   would profit from that in their last minutes.
Vau did not know much about virulent incubation and how long the virus could in
theory survive on a dead host. Not long, he hoped. And probably not fire.  Not
that he though any of them would survive their rapid entry except by chance.
Retrieving Tera had priority, but killing did not take much time.
And Gilamar would make sure that Tera came out of this on top by giving her a
shot if necessary. If possible. If there was still a sensible place to give her
a shot. Walon knew about torture. Mij might just be able to pour the immunogen
into her blood from a bottle at any number of places.
A movement caught in the corner of his eye. His HUD confirmed the incoming. A
blaster bolt caught him in the chest and Vau had to take a step backwards.
Di’kute. Had they not realised their opponents wore beskar’gam as well? Who did
Death Watch recruit these days? Weequays?
He pointed his right at the kyr’t s ade’s shoulder and launched a tiny missile.
Blaster to the chest indeed. The other man’s  right  arm went limp and Vau
advanced, returning the fire with a steady volley, forcing the other backwards
to keep upright until he hit the wall. Despite their pearl inlay, his inherited
blasters worked just  like their more mundane cousins . They also had no stun
setting.
Walon shrugged. He pinned the left  hand  of his victim to the wall with a
knife  -  knuckle plates were not optional — and held the muzzle of his blaster
against the weakness of the neckseal.
“You might wonder what I intend to do next.” He used the loudspeakers to make
himself heard. “So do I.”
Blasters couldn't shoot through beskar. The bolt was stopped short by the dome
and discharged his whole force in the confines of the helmet. The air filled
with the smell of ozone, burnt flesh and bllod. Walon  pulled his knife from
the wall as a  red shape went down in a flash of blue in Gilamar’s view icon.
His blasters   did   have a stun setting and he was using it well. Kom’rk’s
icon showed an unwelcome yellow armour he had not expected to see here and what
was probably a person behind her.   Shab  . No time to lose, really.  But they
were about done here. Time to pick up his   ba'ad   and leave.
Walon reached Kom’rk just as he finished dropping pieces of Isabet Reau to the
ground. The girl stood in the room looking nothing like the beat kid Kal had
collected years ago. Instead she looked exactly as if somebody had put Sheena
through a grinder. Tatters of cloth didn't hide much of bruised and broken
skin. Dried blood crusted most parts of her and indicated a thorough if messy
approach to torture. Her left shoulder was a mess of blood, the collarbone
broken, poking through the flesh. It had not far to go. Whiplash-thin wasn't
beginning to cover it.
 Ba’ad.
Vau could see the fingers of her right curled tightly around the hilt of a
knife dripping with blood. But there was no madness in her eyes this time.
Instead those dark eyes burn as if she was about to take on the rest of the
batch herself. The defiant pose reminded him painfully of the girl that had
regularly taken up position between him and his father. A spark shot through
Tera's eyes when she saw the black on black armour and she tried to smile. But
the effort fell horribly short.
He nodded slightly and turned to leave again. Mij would have her patched up
soon. There was not nearly enough time. She would live. Others in this place
would not. Vau would make very sure of that.
The pity was, again, that they had been thorough on their way in. Most bodies
showed up cooling down on his HUD, even the one he had been careful with. They
were no good to him. One strong life sign showed up in the rooms behind Tera,
Kom'rk and Mij. But he was out of bounds. By the time Walon Vau had found a
living creature, he was very much annoyed at the wasted time. He wouldn't be
able to take as much time now as he wanted. But he would make do.
Knives were his friends. Predictable, easy to handle and precise in their
damage. The hum of the vibro blade protruding from his knuckle plate was so
soft that Walon almost hummed along. He had skimmed off the upper layers of
skin on the man's face and throat. Now the man was obviously screaming but
there was not much of a sound. Mostly because of the partially crushed windpipe
which made it rather impossible for him to utter anything above a scratching
wheeze.
Knives were all very well, but sometimes a quick elbow in the throat was just
as useful. He wouldn't want to worry the girl. She'd been through enough
trouble for a while. Vau peeled off another strip of skin, lost in thought.
There had been at least ten people in the hideout. All were dead now except for
two and of those two at least one was wishing desperately to join his comrades.
Walon smiled. Blood started dripping down the man's face.
It was a shame really, that the others were dead. Except that other one, but he
was special and reserved for a higher purpose. The smile broadened. "You have
no idea what you have done, have you?" The blade scraped over the thinning skin
again, breaking it in another place. He was getting old. Some time ago he could
have done this neatly like a tanner and not break the skin at all for another
two layers.
Not that the man before him cared. He still tried to scream rather uselessly.
Walon gave up on subtlety and pressed the blade in a soft arc against the skin
on the cheeks. A gloved hand went up to the man's throat, holding his breath
manually while the knife carved carefully into battered skin.
"I know this hurts," Vau murmured softly. "Trust me, I do know. And I also know
that you will try to start screaming again as soon as I let go." Of course the
suffocating man couldn't see Walon's eyes light up behind the tinted visor.
Still his eyes widened as if he could hear it. "Yes, you will scream. But," the
Mandalorian let go of the windpipe and watched the man's face pop wide as the
last filaments of muscle and skin ripped under the strain of the opening lips,
"I am afraid your face won't take to that kindly."
It was a pity he didn't have the time to do the job properly. Now there was a
lot of blood flowing and that would weaken his victim fast. With a sigh he
stabbed the vibroblade neatly into the now easily available root canals.
Gurgling, his victim went down, bleeding copiously all over the floor. Walon
stepped aside a little to let the rivulets pass. He had expected some kind of
mean trick even holding the other at gunpoint. It was kyr’tsad after all. But
then again, he was a tall, black-armoured Mandalorain with a knife pressed
against the other’s throat. Life was full of disappointments.
Springing the vibro knife from his knuckle plates, Vau perforated the material
around the man’s belly plate and took it off with most of the guts still
clinging to it. He and placed the full plate in t his  hand s . The man
dropped to the side  and made a mess. Some people had no sense for tidiness. He
left the man to die shaking his head. It would be too fast, all too fast.
But Mij would have had enough time to patch the girl up by now. Anger flared up
in him, but there was no outlet left. He left the gurgling piece of a mess
behind after carefully cleaning his blade on the man's overall.
Time to attend the presentation of the gift.
 
 
Chapter End Notes
     ba'ad - niece (non-canon)
      
     I want to thank the amazing krad-eelav for her lovely Walon_Vau
     artwork. This is what was on my mind when writing (especially the
     torture, though I didn't get it right by miles. Sorry.)
***** Chapter 52 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
43.)_19_BBY
 
This is how I leave my legacy.
With a blaster in my hand staring down at crimson armour. It might not be his
and then again it might. This man might just be unfortunate to have inherited
it or an actual relative. I cannot care.
A storm of black rage pulls the helmet off his face. He is just a man and his
features resemble the crimson I remember only if I want to. Eyes look at me,
black and shot with red. I level the weapon at his face and feel my black storm
embrace me.
"He deserves all that and more." This whisper of wire is going all through my
body.
"Ner cuy," I whisper back. "Darasuum." And I pull the trigger and the face
explodes into crimson pieces before my eyes. I wipe bits of it from my skin and
turn into my storm.
Maybe this will have them all breathing down our necks, but how bad can that
be? Crimson is gone. I can close my eyes and listen to the words of black
whispered into my hair, weaving themselves into my soul; filaments of fire,
framework of future. I put my arm around him.
"Mhi solus tome. Mhi solus dar'tome."
 
 
 
Chapter End Notes
     Ner cuy. Darasuum. - You are mine. Forever.
     Mhi solus tome. Mhi solus dar'tome. - We are one together. We are one
     apart. (Beginning words of Mandalorian wedding vow.)
***** Kom'rk: Epilogue *****
There is a litany reiterating itself in my head. Her voice like so many frozen
nails, dropping on the ground around us in Kyrimorut. Simply touching upon
memories of that memory is enough to make me angry. I want to be angry now.
She didn't look up the whole time. I don't think she could stop then, not once
she started. Perfect recall is not a blessing, but the tiny voice lost in the
kitchen of Kal'buir's house rings true inside my head. I thought of her as a
kid then.
I don't know how old I was.
It was too late for that. A lot too late, but didn't realise it. Within two
years they took her whole past and most of her humanity. She could have eased
it all, she knows now, she knew back then. Their way would have been her way.
I didn't and then they did.
Sometimes her nightmares haunt my sleep but that is alright because it isn't my
pain. It just makes me powerfully angry. The ideas some men get.
I even had to clean the blaster.
I know you can't drown memories in blood. But I have also learnt that you can
drench them in blood and the taste of revenge. It helps. It doesn't make them
good. It makes them bearable. There is a lot of blood ahead.
What I want – what I really want to do is use the knife, feel skin and muscles
tear under the blade and see the blood spurt out. To feel the snapping of bone
under my fingers, increase the pressure on the them until they splinter, smash
them to pieces between my armour and theirs.
Their screams die within their helmets audible only to those who will not want
to know. There is nothing but the forward movement and the slashing of the
blades. They deserve all that and more. Vau had suggested a more subtle
approach; I understand the reasoning, but it wouldn't do. It just wouldn't. It
would have been way to easy. There are only so many ways to kill a sleeping
person and none of them is satisfactory.
That they should dare. That they should dare and have a base on Taris. That
they should dare to take her. That they should dare to keep her here. We sweep
through the building, I know Vau and Mij split up behind me taking care of the
corridors I discard. I have seen the plans of this place, and I know exactly
where I would stash away prisoners.
The door opens and I can see Tera, covered in little else but blood and bruises
a knife in her hand, broken bone poking through an open wound in her shoulder.
Isabet Reau, her one boot covered in blood that should not be spilled, turns
around but my fist is already up, vibroblades springing from the knuckle
plates. She is dead before she can finish the turn. It doesn't matter. I have
seen the blood on her and the look in Tera's eyes and the knife she holds. I
have enough of an imagination to realise what happened.
Tera is not soft. She'd try to take the knife that is meant to take her life.
And she did. I cannot tear my eyes of her as my hands tear through the seams of
Reau's armour. Beskar does only so much when you wear separate plates. I know
where the joints are. I know where all the weaknesses are.
There is a heap of red and yellow debris lying at my feet as I finally pull
Tera into my arms. It doesn't matter. There is only one thing that matters. "Su
cuy'gar."
Vau and Mij enter, Vau taking a look at Tera and moving on, probably killing
something. The way he holds himself speaks of extreme anger I have seldom seen
it on him. But I cannot worry about that now. Mij patches her up, a bag of
bones held together by determination and skin substitute. Her collarbone
offendingly white in the dark red of her shoulder. She makes no noise as Mij
sets it.
I takes some time to get her into the jumpsuit, her left arm doesn't work.
Still she is not making a sound. If she feels the pain, she is way beyond the
limits by now. Too bad they're all dead, I would have had something to say
about this.
One of them is not dead yet. When I saw him, I knew, and Vau acknowledged with
a nod. This is not about us. This is about her and this is what she needs.
There is a mess in the room behind Vau that probably has been one person or
more, parts of it still move. Unlike his face that is stone. He offers no
explanations.
And I have more important things to do. Making a present, making a small
attempt at setting old wrongs right in the only head that matters right now.
She takes the blaster and her hands are not shaking. We have to kill our own
demons even if they return from the dead. "He deserves all that and more."
"Ner cuy," she whispers back. "Darasuum." Then she pulls the trigger. Once -
only once. Wiping the splatters of blood and brain from her face she turns back
towards me. It is just as well that she shot him. I put my arms around her.
There are ways to deconstruct a human being into nothing but agony. I would
have applied them all. But she is still here and they are not. I hold her tight
enough to irrationally fear breaking her.
"Mhi solus tome. Mhi solus dar'tome."
 
 
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