Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/406209.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Mass_Effect
  Relationship:
      Kaidan_Alenko/Male_Shepard, Kaidan_Alenko/Rahna
  Character:
      Male_Shepard, Kaidan_Alenko, Rahna_(Mass_Effect), Vyrnnus_(Mass_Effect),
      Original_Female_Character
  Additional Tags:
      Angst, Alternate_Universe, Explicit_Language, Explicit_Sexual_Content,
      Minor_Violence, Love_Triangle, Underage_(17/14), First_Time, Wordcount:
      10.000-30.000, POV_Male_Shepard, POV_Kaidan_Alenko
  Series:
      Part 2 of Reasons
  Stats:
      Published: 2012-05-19 Completed: 2012-07-05 Chapters: 4/4 Words: 21674
****** What Shepard Wanted More Than Freedom ******
by prettysemmy
Summary
     He found out Kaidan was at Jump Zero getting training for his biotic
     powers. "Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training" it was called.
     Shepard thought it sounded fucked up, but if that was where Kaidan
     was, then that's where Shepard wanted to be.
***** Chapter 1 *****
Chapter Notes
     For a little clarity of what happened between part 1 and part 2, see
     notes at the end of this chapter.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
It took a couple years for Shepard to realize his feelings for Kaidan might
have been a little more than gratitude. Maybe something like hero worship, but
there was a good chance it was more like a crush.
It was still a couple more years before he determined, that, yes, he was in
fact gay. He could be with a girl; it wasn’t like he didn’t find them
attractive. He also kind of had a thing for asari (but then again, everybody
kind of has a thing for asari), but he definitely liked guys better. Brunets.
So, yeah, Kaidan kind of had this place in his heart, that might have been real
or it might have been idealized, but what Kaidan had done for him had been a
really big deal for a seven-year-old. For a seven-year-old with Shepard's
history, it had…
…well, it'd made him a little obsessed with finding Kaidan again.
And he had. He found out Kaidan was at Jump Zero getting training for his
biotic powers. "Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training" it was called.
Shepard thought it sounded fucked up, but if that was where Kaidan was, then
that's where Shepard wanted to be.
Lucky for Shepard, he had biotic powers too. Took an Element Zero "accident"
and some wonderful "research" from his good friends at Cerberus to find out,
but he was now the proud owner some seriously amped up biotic powers.
About a year ago, Shepard and a little girl, Jack, had escaped from Cerberus's
biotic fuck-up facility and eventually made it onto an Alliance ship. The
Alliance had actually been really great to both of them, but that might've been
because Captain Anderson made sure that no one fucked with them and Doctor
Chakwas said she would make sure they were taken care of. They got to stay on
the ship and they finally had something kind of like a home.
But then Shepard had heard about Kaidan. Kaidan's dad was Alliance and news got
around (especially if you're looking for it in secret databases). But as soon
as Shepard knew where Kaidan was, he couldn’t really think about anything else.
He had to go.
So he'd told Jack he was leaving and why; said he would be back for her soon,
but that there was something he needed to do.
And that’s where he's at right now, walking through the doors to BAaT, minutes
away from seeing Kaidan.
He was actually nervous as shit. And Shepard never got nervous. But it's
Kaidan. He’s going to finally see Kaidan again.
He had wondered (how could he not?) if he would feel something when he saw his
childhood crush. Seven years was a long time for a fourteen-year-old and things
change. Shepard had changed. Kaidan might be a completely different person.
He was met at the door by an administrator. The guy took Shepard's bag and told
him they were still working out a room for him but that he should go to the
mess hall and get some dinner. Most of the kids were in there right now anyway.
Okay, okay, you can do this, Shepard said to himself as he walked through the
doors. And it was so easy to find him, like he couldn't even look anywhere
else.
Seventeen-year-old Kaidan.
Seventeen-year-old, hot-as-fuck, Kaidan Alenko.
Feel something when he saw Kaidan? Yeah. Like a punch to the gut. Followed
swiftly by a kick to the nuts when he saw what had Kaidan's attention.
And then the little brunette noticed him staring. She turned to Kaidan and said
something, pointing in Shepard's direction. Kaidan smiled at what she said and
turned. Shepard took in a sharp breath.
He felt like time stopped as their eyes met and held. Kaidan's eyes widened and
he dropped his fork with a loud clatter.
Kaidan recognized him. Kaidan. Recognized. Him. Shepard's heart started beating
faster. Then Kaidan stood up and started walking towards him. It took Shepard a
moment to realize he was walking towards Kaidan as well.
And that's...when he ran into a table. "Shit," he swore quietly and looked away
to avoid making a total ass of himself by falling.
When he looked back up, Kaidan was standing in front of him. "Shepard," Kaidan
said, breathless and so surprised.
Wow, even his voice was hot-as-fuck.
"It’s...been a long time, Kaidan," Shepard said, and tried to sound cool. He
didn't quite succeed because he had to clear his throat after the first word
came out too high pitched.
"Yeah," Kaidan said and reached out to wrap Shepard up in his arms. "I never
thought I'd see you again. I missed you so much."
Shepard let out a nervous chuckle, "I...uh...missed you too, Kaidan," he said
and moved his arms to hold Kaidan awkwardly. He wasn't really used to hugging,
but there was no way he was going to give up the opportunity to have Kaidan in
his arms just because he didn't know what the fuck he was doing.
It was only after Kaidan stepped back that Shepard looked around and noticed
everyone was staring at them.
"Well, this is awkward," Shepard said.
Kaidan just smiled at him, "Come on, I want you to meet my friend."
Kaidan lead him back to his table and the little brunette. "Shepard, I'd like
you to meet Rahna. Rahna, this is my friend Shepard. We knew each other when we
were kids."
"Hi, Shepard, it's nice to meet you," she looked up at him with pretty, big,
chocolate eyes and full lips formed into a easy, real, smile. She was
beautiful.
And she was, like, a really good person too; sweet, sincere, caring, honest.
She was a little weak, too weak for Kaidan in Shepard's opinion, but otherwise
she was absolutely perfect.
Shepard pretty much hated her right away. "It's nice to meet you too, Rahna,"
he said.
"So, how did you meet? Were you neighbors?"
"Um..." Kaidan said and Shepard looked at Kaidan expectantly, smirking a
little. He decided to wait and see how Kaidan would explain them.
"We...I...um..."
"Shepard," they were interrupted and Shepard frowned, a little bummed. The
administrator continued, "We've got you registered, you'll start classes
tomorrow. We're still working on a room, though. We'll have to move you into a
double, there aren't any singles left."
"He can stay with me," Kaidan said, "I've got a double and no roommate." He
turned to Shepard, "Would you like that?"
"Yeah! Uh..," he cleared his throat, "that would be great," he said, willing
his voice to sound calmer.
"Great!" Kaidan said.
"Good," the administrator continued, "Thank you Mister Alenko." He turned to
Shepard, "Your bag will be dropped off there shortly. Welcome to BAaT," he said
and then left.
"Come on, let's go show you to your new room," Kaidan said, placing a hand on
Shepard's arm, then he turned to Rahna, "I'm sorry, Rahna, I not going to be
able to hang out with you tonight like we planned."
"It's okay Kaidan," she smiled warmly at him, "have fun catching up with your
friend."
"I will. Thanks for understanding," he said, but he was looking at Shepard
again. Shepard felt warm and he was probably blushing a little bit. Kaidan
glanced back at her, "Bye, see you tomorrow," and then turned and led Shepard
away.
They walked down a corridor and then into an atrium. The whole place was pretty
dark and metal grey, but at least there were plants and quite a few windows to
the stars. Shepard took in bits of it when he could drag his eyes away from
Kaidan. Usually when Kaidan glanced at him. He hoped it wasn't obvious he was
staring.
"You look good," Kaidan said.
Then Shepard...sort of...ran into...a bench. He would've fallen over if Kaidan
hadn't grabbed his arm and pulled Shepard to him.
Shepard looked up at Kaidan's face, centimeters away from his, "I don't usually
have this much trouble walking," he said breathlessly, absolutely mortified.
"You don't have to be embarrassed," Kaidan said, making sure Shepard was stable
before letting him go, "I'm the only one who saw it," and then he bit his lip
like he was having trouble not laughing.
"So I only have one person laughing at me. Wonderful," he said, but he couldn't
help smiling like an idiot. Kaidan looked so cute like that. So happy. Kaidan
chuckled softly in response.
"So, where have you been? What have you done? What's your new family like?"
Kaidan asked when they continued walking.
"Whoa, too many questions!" Shepard said, holding up his hands, "One at a time,
Kaidan."
"Sorry," he said, sheepishly, then added, "Family then."
"Well, it's just me and Jack," Shepard said.
"Jack?"
Shepard looked up at him, "My little sister," he said, smiling fondly at the
thought.
"You have a sister," Kaidan said, beaming, "Tell me about her."
"Well, it's not official, but she is in all the ways that matter." He looked
down and smirked, "She's seven, really short, but she has enough attitude for
someone three times her size. She swears all the time..."
"At seven?" Kaidan interrupted.
"Yeah, even worse than me," Shepard laughed, "A little bad ass. She's the most
powerful biotic I've ever met."
"You sound really proud," Kaidan said, sounding proud.
"I am," Shepard said meeting Kaidan's eyes a little shyly.
Kaidan smiled at him for a second and then, "I'd really like to meet her," he
said earnestly.
"Yeah?" Shepard said softly, "I'd really like that too."
Then Kaidan looked like he was starting up another question so Shepard
interrupted, "So, Rahna. She seems like a nice girl." Shepard didn't really
want to talk about her, but he wanted to talk about his past even less.
A huge smile came over Kaidan's face. "Yeah, she's wonderful." Shepard's hopes
dropped a little more.
"Is she your girlfriend?" Shepard said, knowing his tone sounded nothing like
casual. Thankfully Kaidan didn't notice.
"Not quite," he said and looked down with a soft smile, "but maybe soon."
"Great," Shepard choked out quietly, trying to mask the weird problem with his
voice.
Kaidan finally looked up, "So, what about you?" he said, "Girlfriend?"
"No. No one right now."
"Well, you might meet someone here," Kaidan said, optimistically. "I'll
introduce you to some girls tomorrow." Kaidan smiled at him, apparently excited
about the prospect.
They slowed and stopped in front of a door. "So, this is your new home," Kaidan
said and opened it.
Their room had two beds and two desks on opposite sides of the room. There was
plenty of space and they had their own bathroom. There were no windows, but
Kaidan had a vintage poster of a Vancouver sunset and lots of pictures--many of
his parents or Kaidan and his friends in front of the grey walls of Jump Zero.
There was even one of a seven-year-old Shepard on his birthday.
It was kind of perfect.
Kaidan was kind of perfect.
Shepard sat down on the bed on the emptier side of the room and discretely
watched Kaidan, who was leaning casually against the wall.
"So," Kaidan said, "you haven't told me about the rest of your family and
everything that has happened in the last seven and a half years."
Yeah, for good reason, Shepard thought.
He really didn't want to talk about it. Last time he had told Kaidan a little
bit of his broken past, Kaidan had gotten really upset. Shepard had many more
bad stories now. This moment...he didn't want to spoil it with all that.
"I was...well, it's a long and involved story," he said, side stepping, "It's
too late to go into it now, I'm pretty tired. You know, from traveling and
things...We'll talk about it later?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure, we'll talk later," Kaidan said, but Shepard could tell he was
disappointed. "I'm going to head out for a little bit, alright? Sleep well
Shepard."
"Yeah, thanks Kaidan," he said softly, for not making me talk about it. He
wasn't going to be able to avoid it forever, but for now, he had Kaidan back
and Kaidan was happy. That was what really mattered.
Chapter End Notes
     Earthborn Sentinal Shepard.
     2161 - (Jan.) Kaidan buys Earthborn homeless Shepard, (Feb.) Kaidan
     turns 10, (April) Shepard turns 7, (May) Shepard taken by Cerberus,
     (May) Shepard escapes Cerberus, (July) Jack born. Ages: (Kaidan - 9/
     10, Shepard - 6/7, Jack - 0)
     2162 - (11,8,1)
     2163 - (Nov.) Shepard's recieves secondary exposure to Element Zero,
     his biotic abilities manifest and he catches Cerberus' attention
     again. (12,9,2)
     2164 - (Feb.) Shepard recaptured by Cerberus, Kaidan's biotic
     abilities manifest permanently. (13,9,2)
     2165 - (Aug.) Jack taken from Eden Prime, project on Pragia started
     for Subject Zero (Jack) and Subject One (Shepard). (14,11,4)
     2166 - Kaidan starts training at BAaT, Vyrnnus brought to Jump Zero.
     (15,12,5)
     2167 - Kaidan gets the L2 implant, (Oct.) Shepard and Jack escape.
     (16,13,6)
     2168 - (March) Shepard and Jack are picked up by an Alliance ship,
     (Dec.) The Reunion. (17,13/14,6/7)
     2169 - (Jan.) Kaidan kills Vyrnnus. (17,14,7)
     I apologize if I got any of the actual canon timeline events
     completely wrong. I'm using the information I found on the interwebz,
     which may or may not be reliable, to try to blend known canon with my
     made up AU "canon" as well as I possibly can.
     Sources:
     Biotic_Timeline_Discussion
     Shepard_Mass_Effect_Wiki
     Jack_Mass_Effect_Wiki
     Kaidan and Jack's birthdays were chosen to be the same as their voice
     actors, Raphael_Sparge and Courtenay_Taylor.
     Edit (7/6/2012): I changed my chapter titles again, they are no
     longer from "Lifening" by Snow Patrol, now they are just mine.
     Hopefully I won't feel the need to change them again. :(
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Kaidan walked to his favorite place on the station, the big window in the
atrium. It was the best view of the Milky Way and usually empty at this time of
night. He came here often, especially on the rough days. He would think about
traveling the galaxy, about getting away from here someday.
But tonight his mind wasn't on the stars.
He paced once, twice, and then leaned his forehead on his arm against the
window. He looked out, dazed and unseeing.
Shepard was here. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. For so long he had
wondered and worried and wanted to just find anything to let him know Shepard
was okay.
The way it had...ended. The way Shepard had left. Everything was just so
broken.
Kaidan had felt so broken.
He had come home and Shepard was just gone. His mom said Shepard chose to
leave. That they'd found him a family and that Shepard chose them.
Kaidan hadn't understood it. Still didn't. Shepard had been happy, hadn't he?
For months Kaidan had asked himself the same question. He came up with hundreds
of answers and no answers. He still needed to know and he was still afraid of
what the real answer might be.
What had Shepard wanted that Kaidan couldn't give him?
But Shepard was here. His Shepard. Here. In Kaidan's room.
He had come back. And Kaidan knew, he didn't know how, but he knew, Shepard had
come here for him.
And the way Kaidan had felt. Seeing Shepard just there. After so long. And he
looked...and Kaidan just...
He squeezed his eyes shut. It shocked him how badly he had wanted to grab and
hold Shepard and not let him go. To not let anything bad happen to him ever.
But something bad had happened. Kaidan could tell. He took in several difficult
breaths and tried to make the pain in his chest go away. Kaidan hadn't been
able to protect him after all.
But it wasn't all bad. Something had gone right. Shepard's sister for one. And
Kaidan knew that Shepard could take a lot of bad and then a little good and be
so strong and resilient and happy anyway. He was amazing like that.
And Shepard looked happy. Kaidan smiled and huffed a laugh when he thought
about Shepard running into things and blushing. It was...well, it was really
cute, actually.
"Kaidan," Rahna's Turkish accented voice interrupted his thoughts, "I didn't
think I would find you here. I thought you would be hanging out with your
friend."
Kaidan turned, shook his head to clear it, and then smiled at her. "He was
tired from the travel, so he went to bed early."
"Oh," she said, looking up at him with a little frown of concern on her face,
"well I'm glad he's getting some rest."
Kaidan looked back at the hallway to his room. Maybe he should head back to
Shepard.
"He's very important to you, isn't he?" Rahna continued and Kaidan turned back
to see her amused smile.
"Yes, he is," Kaidan answered and realized he was being ridiculous. Shepard
didn't need his help sleeping.
"He must be an amazing kid."
Not a kid anymore, Kaidan thought, but "He really is."
"Tell me about him," she said, looking at Kaidan fondly.
He frowned. He didn't really want to share Shepard just yet. Besides, the way
they met was...a little hard to explain. He couldn't really say, 'meet my
friend Shepard, I used to own him.'
"I'll do better than that," he answered instead, "Let's all hang out tomorrow."
"I would love that Kaidan," Rahna said and then gave him one of her gorgeous
bright smiles. Kaidan couldn't help the stupid smile he gave back to her.
When the warm moment started shifting to awkward he sighed and said, "Well, I
better head to bed."
"Yeah, me too," she responded, waving her hand, obviously trying to come off as
casual and not quite succeeding. She smiled, a little exasperated, like she
knew it hadn't worked, and turned to go. Kaidan watched as she slowed her turn
and then did a full 360 instead. "Um, Kaidan?" she said tentatively.
"Yes, Rahna?" He replied, totally amused by her at this point.
"Um, I, uh...'ll see you tomorrow," she finished, like that wasn't what she
wanted to say at all.
She was doing that thing again, mumbling and blushing and just being totally
cute, but Kaidan really wanted to get back to Shepard, so he didn't ask her
what she really wanted to say. "Goodnight, Rahna," he said instead.
"Goodnight, Kaidan," she said after a sigh, but he was already heading down the
hall.
And of course, Shepard was fine, still here and actually sleeping. Kaidan was
still being ridiculous, but Shepard was just so important to him. He was
treasured and loved and honestly the intensity of the feeling was a bit
confusing, but he wouldn't trade it for anything.
He reached out to touch Shepard but then stopped when he realized what he was
doing. This was something he would have done when they were kids, but they were
a lot older now and they barely knew each other. Why would Kaidan just assume
he was allowed to touch Shepard? While sleeping? He started to pull his hand
back, but stopped again. Well, Shepard was sleeping. He wouldn't
mind...probably. Kaidan just really wanted...wanted to reassure himself Shepard
was real.
He reached down and touched the side of Shepard's face. Traced Shepard's scar
with his fingertip and then Shepard's lips with his thumb. Shepard hummed and
then parted and licked his lips, grazing Kaidan's thumb with his tongue, but he
didn't wake up.
Kaidan stepped back sharply and sat down hard on his bed. Okay, Kaidan, stop
being so creepy. He's real, you've proven it to yourself a couple times now.
Four times, his brain supplied, unhelpfully, and he decided to ignore it for
now.
He got ready for bed quickly but it was a long time before he fell asleep, the
sound of Shepard's breaths a comfort and a distraction.
When he woke up Shepard wasn't there, and to be completely honest, he kind of
freaked out until he saw Shepard's bag. Okay, not a dream, he thought taking
several deep breaths. Real. He had Shepard back for real.
He was surprised he had woken up so late. It was disturbing how easy it was to
fall out of certain habits. They had only been on break for a week but he was
already waking up at 8:00 instead of 5:00.
He showered and dressed quickly, then rushed to find Shepard...who was just
hanging out in the mess hall looking totally comfortable chatting with Rahna.
That was good, right?
"Hey, Kaidan!"
He turned toward the girl calling his name. "Hi Anna," he said and then glanced
back at Shepard and Rahna.
"So, you know the Holiday Ball is coming up..." Anna continued.
Oh, the Ball! He had totally forgotten about it and it was only about a week
away. Well, he had to get Shepard a date to the party. They could double. It
would be fun and a great chance for Shepard to make some friends.
"...and I was wondering if...well I was really hoping that..." and then he
realized what was happening, Anna was going to ask him to go with her. And he
hadn't asked Rahna yet so he couldn't use that excuse.
"Anna," he interrupted, not sure he would be able to turn her down if she got
it out, "I really want you to meet a friend of mine." He turned and found
Shepard looking at him from across the room. It made him smile and Shepard
smiled warmly back. "Shepard!" he said, waving him over.
When Shepard reached them he nudged Kaidan's shoulder with his. "You finally
woke up, sleepy head," Shepard said and then squeezed his eyes shut. He was
probably berating himself for his cool choice of words. What a dork, Kaidan
thought fondly.
"You could have woken me you know," he said softly, but Shepard just looked
back up and shrugged. "So," Kaidan continued, refocusing, "Shepard, I would
like you to meet my friend Anna Wu," then turning to Anna, "Anna, this is
Shepard. We, uh, spent a lot of time together when we were kids."
"Hi," Anna said cheerfully.
"So," Shepard said, leaning against the table trying to look suave and actually
sort of succeeding, "I hear you're into competitive hacking."
Her eyes widened, "Oh, I love it," she said, looking excited to have someone to
talk to about her favorite topic.
"So what do you think about the..." and, wow, that worked better than Kaidan
thought it would. He hadn't thought they would hit it off that well. He blinked
at them, surprised, and then remembered what he was supposed to do next.
Right. Ask Rahna to the ball.
He walked over to where she was chatting with her best friend. They stopped
talking as he reached them. "Sorry to interrupt, but," he said to both of them
and then turned to Rahna, "I wanted to ask you something." The two girls gave
each other a look and then Kate took off.
"So," he continued, feeling more and more awkward, "I was wondering if you'd
like to, um, gotothedancewithme," he said, a bit too quickly.
But she just smiled like he'd given her the best present. "I would love to
Kaidan," she said and then raised up onto her toes to kiss him on the cheek. He
was a little bit dazed as she walked away. She was really...
"Earth to Kaidan," Shepard said snapping his fingers in front of him,
interrupting his thoughts and making him jump.
"Um, sorry. I kind of spaced out there."
"I can see that," Shepard said, amused.
"Right," he said, shaking his head clear and turning to his friend, "So there's
this ball."
"Yeah, I...heard about it. Rahna's a bit...excited," Shepard said, sounding
very not excited.
"I asked her to go with me," Kaidan added with a smile.
"That's great Kaidan," Shepard said, still not sounding excited, "So, uh,
you're together now? Officially?"
"I think so...but that's not the point," he continued, "I think you should ask
Anna to go with you."
"Kaidan, I really don't think that's a good idea."
"It's a great idea, Shepard," he said in what he thought was a convincing tone,
but Shepard just gave him a very doubtful look, so Kaidan changed tactics. "It
will be a lot more fun for me if you come," he said, possibly using puppy-dog
eyes. Shepard looked away and sighed like he was trying hard not to give in to
Kaidan's begging. When it looked like Shepard was actually succeeding, Kaidan
asked, "Why do you hate this idea so much?"
"I don't hate it, it's just..." he trailed off and then sighed, looking around
at anything but Kaidan, like he was searching for an answer. He finally growled
and finished with, "I don't know how to dance."
"Is that all?" Kaidan said, excited. This he could fix. "I can teach you how to
dance. Come on," he said, grabbing Shepard's hand and pulling him back down the
hall to their room.
Kaidan started teaching Shepard the basic waltz and by the third attempt
Shepard had successfully stepped on him eight times and kicked him in the shin
once.
By the sixth they added in a head bump to the injury list when they both looked
down to their feet at the same time.
By the eleventh attempt Shepard had tripped Kaidan and they were in a pile on
the floor.
"You weren't kidding were you?" Kaidan teased, looking at Shepard, who had
landed partly on top of him and between his legs.
"I told you I sucked," Shepard said, frustrated, lifting his body up with hands
on either side of Kaidan's waist.
"Let's try something different, okay?" Kaidan continued, not willing to give up
yet.
"Ugh, you drive me crazy, you know that?" Shepard said, and then dropped his
head back onto Kaidan's chest. It felt nice albeit a little weird because it
was so much like cuddling.
"Alright, I think what you need is the slow dance. It's a bit simpler."
"Simple is good. Simple is really good. Why didn't we start with simple first?"
Shepard said, pouting, and then got up off of Kaidan.
Kaidan laughed at the look on his face, "You are so ridiculous," he said
grabbing Shepard's offered hand and being pulled up.
"And you are a pain in my ass," Shepard said and then blushed and froze,
dropping Kaidan's hand like it burned. Kaidan gave him a look--which he totally
didn't see because he was avoiding Kaidan's eyes again. Shepard could be so
weird sometimes. "I'm sorry. I'm ready to try again," Shepard said quietly when
he finally looked back up.
"Okay, I'll be the girl. Your hands go on my waist like this," he said,
maneuvering Shepard's hands into place, "and the girl will put her hands here
on your shoulders."
Shepard just nodded gravely and Kaidan smiled at him for his seriousness.
"All you really do is sway, like this," he said dancing in a slow circle with
Shepard. "See, you've got it. Nothing to worry about." Kaidan tried to get
Shepard to meet his eyes so he could give him a reassuring smile. "Shepard,"
Kaidan chided when it wasn't working.
"Fine," Shepard said, exasperated, "this isn't so bad. It's...kind of nice," he
said, very reluctantly.
"Alright," Kaidan smiled like he had won some point and then continued, "this
is a little awkward because I'm taller than you..."
"Not that much taller," Shepard interrupted.
"Like four inches Shepard, that's a pretty big difference."
"Whatever Kaidan."
"O-kay. As I was saying, this is a little awkward because of the height
difference but she might lean her head on your shoulder like this." But
actually, that was a lot less awkward than he thought it would be. It was
actually kind of nice. Shepard smelled really good. Weird. What could he
possibly smell like? He'd only used Kaidan's soap this morning and...
Kaidan moved his head closer to Shepard's neck to get a better scent. A shiver
went through Shepard's body as Kaidan's nose grazed his neck. Kaidan froze. Did
he just nuzzle Shepard's neck?! What was wrong with him? It was really probably
time to get back to Rahna. Especially since he was now wondering if Shepard
tasted as good as he smelled.
"Well, I think you've got it figured out," Kaidan said, stepping back maybe a
little too fast.
"Yeah, thanks Kaidan," Shepard said to the ground, "I think I'll, uh, go talk
to Anna."
Kaidan opted not to bring up or apologize for his momentary insanity and
everything went on just fine. Really. In fact the week leading to the dance
seemed to go really fast. Anna and Shepard seemed to be getting along really
well, which was great, and Kaidan got to spend lots of time with Shepard or
Rahna or Shepard and Rahna.
He was a little disappointed that his relationship with Rahna didn't seem to
have changed, but overall it was a really nice week. Before he knew it, he was
standing next to Shepard waiting as the girls got ready for the party.
Anna got there first so Kaidan just watched them interacting while he waited.
Shepard was wearing some of Kaidan's nice clothes because he didn't have any of
his own. They were a bit too big, but it really made him look more huggable.
Anna seemed to think he looked nice from the look she was giving him. Though
that might have been more because she was trying not to laugh at Shepard's
scowl.
"He's kind of like your brother, isn't he?" Kaidan startled at her voice and
turned to his date.
Oh, wow. She looked amazing. She was wearing a white dress that looked
beautiful against her light brown skin and the fit brought attention to her
curves and tiny waist. She was really stunning. "Rahna Çelik, you look so
beautiful tonight," he said when he finally got his voice to work.
"And you look very handsome, Kaidan Alenko," she said, with a small curtsy.
"So, um, you said something? I'm so sorry, I have no idea what it was."
"No, it's fine," she said, smiling, taking Kaidan's distraction as the
compliment that it was. "I was saying that Shepard seems like he's your little
brother, with the way you look after him."
"Sort of, well, no, not quite. He definitely feels like family though."
He looked over at Shepard who was just standing there looking awkward and cute.
Kaidan motioned toward Anna and mouthed, dance with her, and Shepard rolled his
eyes but lead Anna to the dance floor.
When he felt confident his friend was being taken care of, Kaidan turned back
to Rahna, his beautiful maybe-girlfriend.
"Would you like a dance, my lady?" he said holding his hand out. She just
smiled, biting her lip, and nodded. They waltzed and slow danced and even
attempted a tango. Kaidan was having a lot of fun so it took him a while to
realize Shepard was gone and had been for a while. Kaidan waited a little
longer, but he was really starting to worry.
"Rahna, give me a second. I want to go check on Shepard," he finally said.
"What's wrong?"
"I think he left."
"I'm sure he's alright Kaidan," Rahna said in a reasonable tone, "Shepard's a
big kid, he can take care of himself."
"Well, he didn't really want to come and I kind of forced him to..." he glanced
towards the door, "I just want to make sure he's okay."
"Okay, if you're that worried," she said, starting to look concerned as well.
"Will you be back?"
"I don't know. I'll um..."
"It's okay," she said, trying to sound reassuring and not sad. It didn't quite
work. "My girlfriends are here," she said pointing vaguely back with her thumb.
"I'll be fine. Go."
"Thank you. You are amazing," he said, grateful she was so understanding, and
then leaned in and kissed her for the first time. Their lips met softly and
with promise, but Kaidan pulled away, keeping it chaste for now. "You really
look wonderful tonight," he said, squeezing her hands before letting go and
stepping back.
"Go take care of your little brother," she said, smiling again, and just like
that he was forgiven.
He felt really bad about leaving her, but if Shepard wasn't okay and it was
Kaidan's fault, well...
Chapter End Notes
     Edit (6.18.2012): So Rahna is canonically from Turkey. This is a
     terrible oversight on my part so I am fixing it. Her last name is
     going to be Çelik, which is apparently a somewhat common Turkish last
     name, and it means "steel". I am changing her accent as well, which I
     am a little bit sad about, but canon is very important to me. I,
     however, feel no obligation to take away her made-up Indian lineage.
     People move and mix all the time and I don't think it's unreasonable
     that she would have some Indian ancestors and be given an Indian
     name.
     Original Notes: Rahna's made up last name, Kanti, is a Sanskrit word
     for lovely or beauty. I decided to make Rahna be of part-Indian
     decent, but born in London with English parents. The name Rahna,
     unfortunately, does not give you a good idea of where she could be
     from, so India was my best guess. When I decided on my model for her
     appearance, [is] English actress, India_de_Beaufort, I decided to
     change Rahna's nationality, but not her lineage, and give her a fun
     accent, like Traynor. The white dress in the link is the dress I
     pictured her in for the Holiday Ball.
***** Chapter 3 *****
Shepard sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. Kaidan was kind of
confusing the shit out of him right now.
With the way Kaidan looked at him sometimes, not to mention the hand holding
and neck nuzzling and that first night when he had touched Shepard's
lips...Kaidan had to like him like "that," at least a little, right?
But the way he looked at Rahna...
Ugh.
Seeing Kaidan dance with her, and smile and laugh and touch...Shepard rubbed
his hands over his face. Fuck, he didn't want deal with this shit. These
feelings he had were so annoying.
And then Kaidan didn't seem to even realize when he was flirting with Shepard.
So, what? Was he totally straight and this was just some weird residue
closeness from when they were together as kids?
Regardless. Confusing-As-Shit.
He heard the door open. Kaidan. Damn it. And now Kaidan was walking over and
kneeling beside him, looking concerned. "Hey, are you doing okay?" he asked in
a soft and intimate voice.
No, not really, Shepard wanted to answer, Maybe if you weren't straight and
taken and just so damn perfect. Maybe if you could be mine instead of hers.
"Yeah, I'm okay," he sighed instead.
"No, you're not," Kaidan said, placing his hand on Shepard's knee. Kaidan
pushed himself up and moved to sit on the bed next to him, "I'm sorry I forced
you to go." Shepard looked over and let out a long breath. Kaidan looked sad,
and now all Shepard wanted to do was make him feel better, his own feelings be
damned.
And even more pathetic, he couldn't even hate Rahna anymore. It was impossible
not to like her. She was even fun to talk to--as long as Kaidan wasn't there
too. He would have been able to call her a friend if not for...this other
stuff.
"I'm sorry I'm ruining your night," Shepard said, not sure what else to do.
"Hey, it's okay," Kaidan nudged Shepard's shoulder affectionately, "We can do
something else," he suggested.
"Like..?"
"Watch a vid?" Kaidan said with a shrug.
"Really, Kaidan? A vid?" Shepard smirked at him. It was such an old-school
thing to do. Not to mention kind of like a date.
"Oh, come on," Kaidan said, getting up and grabbing his pad off his desk, "I'm
sure we can find something on the station's internal network."
"You don't even have a screen," Shepard felt the need to say.
"We could watch it on my pad," Kaidan dropped down onto his bed and moved over.
He looked up at Shepard expectantly and patted the comforter in the now vacant
spot. Shepard's eyebrows rose.
So, you're saying we could cuddle, all alone, on your bed, and watch a vid?
"Yeah, okay," Shepard said, because, well, Kaidan was offering.
He laid down on his side and "just so happened" to settle so that he was in
contact with the entire side of Kaidan's body. Shepard propped his head up with
his hand and held his breath to see if Kaidan would move away. Kaidan didn't
seem to notice and just started scrolling through vids, making suggestions.
They ended up just going with what Kaidan wanted because Shepard didn't care.
And it was really nice. Well, the vid was terrible but Kaidan was nice. Shepard
couldn't quite belive he was willingly watching an asari-hanar romantic comedy.
He didn't care how sexy Kaidan was, he had totally lost his vid picking
privileges.
...Oh, who was he kidding, he would keep watching these shitty vids
indefinitely if it meant he got to come back to Kaidan's bed and didn't have to
share him with anyone.
He was selfish, he could admit it, and he might have, maybe, even, pretended to
fall asleep hoping Kaidan would let him stay in his bed. Sadly Kaidan just
shook him lightly to wake him. Damn.
Overall, though, the night turned out really well. He didn't expect another
like it, but Kaidan must have felt really bad about the dance because he spent
the entire rest of the weekend with Shepard and only Shepard. By the end of
that first week, Shepard had decided that Brain Camp was totally awesome.
He was so wrong. Apparently he had shown up just in time for their easier
holiday week because the following Monday was completely different.
It was class after class, with barely a break in between, and Rahna was always
right there next to Kaidan. He didn't get a second of Kaidan to himself until
right before their combat biotics training.
"By the way, waking up so fucking early in the morning-not cool," Shepard
segwayed, siding up next to Kaidan, "I only got four hours of sleep."
"You'll get used to it," Kaidan said as they walked into a large open room.
There were padded mats piled in one corner and some target dummies in another.
All twenty of the upper class students could fit without effort. "Anyway,
that's not the worst part," Kaidan continued.
"What's the worst part?" Shepard asked warily.
"Him," Kaidan said. He nodded towards a turian walking into the room. The guy
had a slight limp on his right side and a big scar across his face, fringe to
chin.
"That's Vyrnnus. He's the meanest turian I've ever met," Kaidan continued as a
few more turians walked into the room. "He was a merc in the First Contact War
and he's killed hundreds of humans. He's hated me since we met, but that's
probably because I talked back to him when he was treating everyone like shit."
Shepard watched as the turian directed the others to set up some targets. He
noticed all the students watched him with something like dread. "But what I
really don't understand," Kaidan added, "is why he hates Rahna. She never did
anything to him."
Vyrnnus turned to the class and everyone instantly came to attention. He looked
them each in the eye and then said, "Let's see if you've managed to become even
more pathetic while I was gone. I don't think it's possible, but you never
cease to amaze me."
His eyes snapped to Kaidan and he yelled, "Alenko, Warp, now!" swinging his arm
out to point at a metal target dummy on the other end of the room.
Kaidan took a step back into a fighting stance, formed his hands into fists.
They were enveloped in blue in seconds, as he charged up, and then threw. The
Warp slammed into the target, tearing strips of metal off and covering it in
tendrils of light.
"Not good enough. Again!" Vyrnnus yelled before the blue had even faded.
Kaidan focused fully on the target, a frown of concentration forming on his
face. He charged up until blue trailed over all of his body and threw a more
powerful Warp. After barely a few seconds pause he stepped forward, using the
momentum, and threw another, stepped forward, threw another. More and more
cracks appeared in the dummy as Kaidan went on until it fell, shattering, and
scattered hundreds of pieces across the floor.
Kaidan stood there, breathing hard, blue trailing up his arms from the power in
his hands. He looked amazing. At that moment Shepard thought Kaidan was
breathtakingly, devastatingly, beautiful.
Then he realized he was breathing hard too, so caught up in watching Kaidan. He
rubbed his hand down his face, trying to snap out of it. This was ridiculous,
he was getting a hard-on watching Kaidan blow stuff up. Everything Kaidan did
only made Shepard want him more. This really had to stop or it was going to
drive him crazy.
"Good. Now do it while shielding," Vyrnnus said, interrupting Shepard's
thoughts and taking an offensive stance. He only gave Kaidan a short moment
before throwing a Warp. Kaidan's Barrier went up so fast that Vyrnnus' power
dissipated harmlessly. Kaidan threw Warp back at Vyrnnus, but it wasn't nearly
as strong and did nothing against Vyrnnus' sheilds.
"Pathetic! Again!" Vyrnnus yelled.
Kaidan threw Warp at Vyrnnus again, charged up, threw again, charged up, threw
again--four in quick succession. Vyrnnus' sheilds were nearly gone but Vyrnnus
threw another Warp back at Kaidan and it broke Kaidan's Barrier without
trouble. Kaidan stepped back, just catching his balance.
"I guess you aren't able to keep two thoughts in your head at once," Vyrnnus
said, like he was hoping Kaidan would fail. "Such underdeveloped brains," he
continued, "It's a wonder you can find your own dick with the level of
coordination you just displayed."
Shepard frowned and glared, that was uncalled for, he thought, what a bastard.
Kaidan had totally been kicking ass.
Vyrnnus moved on to another student, "Smithson, show me Pull!" only to yell,
"Embarrassing!" at him when he was done. He turned to another student--
"Tam, Stasis!" "Terrible!"
"Zhang, Lift!" "Disgusting!"
"Green, Charge!" "Pathetic!"
--on and on it went. He would have them each attack, sometimes himself,
sometimes a target. Periodically he would attack them back and he was brutally
efficient at taking them down. And when they were beaten, or just exhausted,
regardless of how they did, he would insult them after each attempt. If they
did really well, sometimes compliments would be mixed in between insults.
Shepard wondered how the hell they kept letting him teach. But then he realized
Vyrnnus seemed to be making sure they didn't break bones or get any permanent
injuries. But it was only just barely. He apparently didn't have a problem with
making them bleed or giving them bruises that would last for days.
"Is every one of you so worthless and a complete waste of my time?" he said
after half of the students had tried. "You humans are so weak!" he shouted,
sounding frustrated, bordering on furious. "Weak in spirit, weak in mind, weak
in body!
His gaze swept the room making some students cringe, "Your own families
rejected you," he continued, "And why? Because you lack control! Because they
are afraid of you!" He walked along the line of students, addressing the
insults to each in turn, "And they should be," he snarled when he stood before
Kaidan, "because you could kill them. You can't go home because you might
destroy your mother or your brother.
"You would think, then, that this would be important to you," he said in
disgust. "That you would want to actually learn something! That you wouldn't be
wasting my time just to stay the dangerous idiots that you are," he finished,
turned to another student and--
"Beaudelare, show me Barrier!" he continued. "Weak!"
"Wu, Warp!" "Pitiful."
"Gates, Throw!" "Worthless. Completely and utterly worthless."
And then Shepard realized the second reason Vyrnnus was still here; he was
getting results. Nearly every student improved under his instruction, despite
the insults and brutality. He was breaking them down but inadvertently giving
them hope. They could tell they were getting better, gaining control. It could
mean they might be able to go back home someday. To protect their families
instead of hurt them--but Shepard couldn't get over the fact that it was just
so wrong.
And Vyrnnus just continued, beating down student after student until, "Çelik,
show me Shockwave!"
Shepard's attention snapped into focus and he looked to Rahna. It felt like
everyone in the room tensed with him. She was only sixteen, how could Vyrnnus
expect her to be able to do such a difficult ability?
Rahna stepped forward. She closed her eyes and brought her hands togther in
front of her. She formed and focused the power until it looked like she was
holding a ball of pure blue light in her hands.
She opened her eyes, stepped forward and threw it. The power traveled out in
front of her, skipping on the ground with a Bam-bam-bam. She focused her power
again, the same way, and threw it again-except better-with a louder BAM-Bam-bam
echoing through the room.
It was good, but apparently that wasn't good enough for Vyrnnus. He just yelled
at her, "Are you even trying?"
"I'm trying!"
"Try harder!"
She focused again, charging longer and threw, her whole body behind it. The
blue power skipped across the whole room with such a loud BAM-BAm-Bam-bam it
was deafening.
She was really good. Shepard knew he wouldn't have been able to do a Shockwave
anywhere close to that strong.
But Vyrnnus still didn't think it was good enough. "Prove to me teaching you
isn't useless!" he yelled, sounding upset, "Prove to me you've learned
something, Çelik! Again!"
Kaidan's hands were clenched into fists laced with cruelean, like he was barely
holding himself back. Shepard really wanted to take Kaidan's hand with his and
comfort him. Rahna was strong enough. She could probably take the pressure and
verbal abuse. She could probably handle the strain.
Except the next few were steadily worse. She was getting tired. But she just
kept trying. Until her nose was bleeding, her arms were shaking, and her legs
went weak. Until she slowly dropped down to the floor.
Vyrnnus walked over and looked down at her. Then he used his biotic powers,
pulling her up so she could stand again. "Nothing stays in that silly little
head of yours, does it?" he said in a quiet snarl, "Three weeks and it's all
gone. You..." he clenched his hands and then continued in a softer tone,
"...will work on this tonight, I expect better tomorrow."
Then Shepard realized Kaidan was completely wrong. Vyrnnus didn't hate Rahna.
She was his favorite.
In a really fucking twisted way, he was showing her he cared by working with
her longer and harder than anyone else. Expecting more out of her than the
others--but insulting her less.
"Don't listen to him Rahna," Kaidan said a little desperately when she walked
over to them, "You're doing great."
"No, he's right Kaidan," she said, like his demands were anywhere close to
reasonable. She took a deep breath, wiped the blood off her face with her
sleeve and continued in a shaking voice, "I'm just not trying hard enough. He
thinks I should be able to do this."
So she probably realized it--that she was actually his favorite. "My father
expects more out of me too," she continued and, fuck, she was comparing Vyrnnus
to her father. Like they were at all similar?! That was so fucked up.
"Rahna," Shepard said, suddenly wanting to give her some reassurance. She
didn't have to prove anything to either of those abusive assholes. But he
really had no idea how to say that without sounding like a dick.
"It's okay," she continued, trying to reassure them, "I can do this, I
just...have to go practice more. I'll see you guys later." And then she went
over to work with one of the other turians who had followed Vyrnnus in.
Okay, so Rahna was a bit more fucked up than he thought, and Kaidan was too
fucking innocent to see what twisted affection looked like, even when it was
right in front of him, and Vyrnnus--he was just a total and complete...
"Is he always such an asshole?" Shepard turned and asked Kaidan.
"Shepard!" Vyrnnus barked.
"Fuck," Shepard whispered, Vyrnnus must have heard him.
"Because you are new," the turian continued, "I will asses your abilities
personally. You will fight against me," he stared at Shepard threateningly,
then, "with Alenko's help," he added, dismissively, with a wave of his hand.
Well, that wasn't so bad...right? He walked forward with Kaidan and they faced
Vyrnnus warily. Shepard took a fighting stance and-
He never even had a chance to react. His back hit the unpadded floor hard.
Kaidan threw up a Barrier around them both. "Shepard, are you okay?!" he said,
sounding frantic.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Shepard pulled himself up, "I got this."
"I can't believe he just-"
"Kaidan," Shepard met his eyes, willing him to calm down, "It's okay. I'm
okay."
Their eyes held. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," Shepard said, and then took a deep breath. He looked back at Kaidan and
saw his own determination reflected back through Kaidan's eyes; they were ready
this time. They nodded once in unison, and then Kaidan dropped the Barrier.
Shepard threw Warp as fast as he could, but Vyrnnus just swatted it away and
then threw Slam in one fluid motion. Kaidan shifted forward, throwing up a
Barrier, protecting Shepard again.
Kaidan dropped the Barrier, stepping back, and then Shepard used Slam. It
sizzled away against Vyrnnus' shields, but Kaidan threw Warp and Shepard
followed it with Throw and the powers worked together, breaking Vyrnnus'
Barrier down with a Boom.
Vyrnnus staggered back a step and then lowered his hands.
"Not completely worthless then. Good," he said, and then looked over to his
crew. "Grixxus, Vyden," he said making eye contact with two of them. The
turians walked over and took positions around Shepard and Kaidan. Shepard moved
so his back was to Kaidan's; they were outnumbered and surrounded.
Then he noticed they had everyone else's attention too.
"Great," Shepard said softly.
So Kaidan had Vyrnnus directly in front of him, and Shepard had the turian with
face paint like a skull (Grixxus) to his right, and the turian with a chunk out
of his jaw (Vyden) to his left. They could do this.
Couldn't they?
Shepard filled his fists with blue light and then threw the first Warp at
Skull. Kaidan threw a Barrier up just as Vyrnnus used Pull and Jaw threw Warp.
Kaidan staggered as his Barrier broke in a loud explosion.
Shit! Shepard didn't know how to make Barriers like Kaidan! But if he didn't
make one soon, they-Kaidan-would get hurt, maybe killed. He had to learn, and
he had to learn now!
Shepard tried focusing his power, for the first time, into a dome of protection
above them, instead of a destructive force. The Nova from Skull hit, and then
the Warp from Vyrnnus and...Shepard's Barrier held.
His eyes swung to Kaidan's, a smile of relief on his face, and Kaidan's eyes
met his, but Kaidan's look wasn't relieved. All three turians were ready again.
Keeping their eyes locked, Shepard and Kaidan kneeled, facing each other, and
formed a smaller but stronger dual Barrier. The three blasts hit--Lift, Pull,
Throw--one Barrier broke but the other held. Safe.
They rose together, moving back to back. Shepard focused his Barrier towards
his right-towards Vyrnnus. Kaidan strengthened it with his and it held as
Vyrnnus' used Pull. Then Kaidan used Throw on Jaw while Shepard hit Skull with
Warp. They turned together so Kaidan could quickly detonate Shepard's Warp with
his Throw.
The turian's Barrier dropped with a Boom.
Shepard formed a fist of blue, recharging, and then threw Warp-hitting Jaw. But
Vyrnnus was already pulling back, throwing another Warp. Kaidan turned,
kneeling, and Shepard leaned back against him, giving them just enough space to
let the power pass harmlessly over them. Safe.
Shepard rolled off Kaidan's back and landed, facing Skull. Kaidan used his own
momentum, channeling it into a Throw to Jaw, and detonated Shepard's Warp with
a BOOM. The other turian's Barrier was gone.
Then they heard the Shockwave from Vyrnnus as it started, BAM-BAm-, they
stepped apart just in time to let it pass between them, -Bam-bam, shaking the
floor as it went. Safe.
Then Kaidan used Reave on Jaw, taking him out, Shepard used Slam on Skull,
taking him down as well. They turned together to Vyrnnus. Kaidan used Warp and
Shepard used Throw, breaking Vyrnnus' Barrier. He stumbled and the explosion
echoed through the room in the following silence as Shepard just barely pulled
up on another Warp. Shepard and Kaidan stood together, breathing hard, but
ready to fight.
Except, if they created a biotic explosion now-it would kill him. Vyrnnus knew
it too.
He didn't let himself appear threatened for long. "Aren't you two cute,"
Vyrnnus said shakily, but still making it sound like an insult, "What a
surprise, you aren't entirely inept."
He looked at Kaidan and Kaidan glared challengingly back. "Apparently, Alenko,"
Vyrnnus continued, "all you need is someone to hold your hand to correctly
preform. Maybe Shepard can help you find your dick," he snarled.
Shepard turned and looked at him sharply. Had he noticed something? "Shepard,"
Vyrnnus continued without pause, "you must show me you can do this on your own
to prove you're worth the pain of training a such a smart-ass."
Vyrnnus looked around the room once more, at all the students, and then said,
"Now get the fuck out! You're all dismissed." They all did.
Shepard took in several shocked breaths as they walked out. Did that really
just happen? A smile started forming on his face. Did they really just do that?
That was so-
"You two looked amazing!" Rahna said, running up to them.
"That felt amazing!" Kaidan said, looking at Shepard, a ridiculous grin forming
on his face. Shepard smiled back at him so hard his face hurt. He was high on
adrenaline and the feeling of being so in tune with Kaidan. Kaidan was so...
...not-actually-his. Belatedly he remembered that Rahna was there too and he
turned to say, "Uh, thank you Rahna," and only then did Kaidan turn to her too.
"Did you see it?!" he said excitedly, apparently forgetting she'd already
spoken.
"Yes, that was...the best combat biotics I've ever seen." But Shepard heard
wariness in her tone. Shit, she'd noticed.
"Thank you," Kaidan said, giving her his ridiculous grin now. "I've never done
anything like that before," Kaidan continued, still sounding amazed.
"Yeah...I know," she said, like she was surprised he felt the need to tell her,
then softly continued, "Shepard must bring it out of you."
"I guess so," Kaidan said, turning his smile on Shepard before focusing back on
Rahna. "So, Rahna," he looked at her hopefully, "I guess I'll see you later?"
"Yeah," she said, her smile returning easily, "I'm looking forward to it."
"Great!" Kaidan said giving her a really sappy look.
The moment continued, with the two of them kind of just giving each other goofy
grins, and Shepard started feeling awkward. He shifted, looking down at his
feet and putting his hands in his pockets. Kaidan looked over and Shepard
glanced up, their eyes meeting.
"Uh, well," Kaidan said, turning back to Rahna, "I've gotta..." he gestured
vaguely in the direction of their room.
She gave him a look that said she found him cute. Shepard knew the feeling.
"I know," she said, and Kaidan started walking toward the room, but backwards
so he could still look at her. She looked like she was soaking in the attention
and when he got to the corner she gave a little half wave and a, "Bye Kaidan."
"Bye!" he said, and then turned back around so he could walk with Shepard,
finally turning his attention back to him. They walked in silence until Kaidan
nudged his shoulder.
"So, you can dance," he said, like Shepard had been holding out on him or
something.
"I can fight. I can't dance," Shepard answered.
"It felt like dancing," Kaidan responded. He was still practically vibrating
with energy. "We have to do that again sometime!" he continued.
Shepard chuckled, "Are you...asking me to dance with you, Kaidan Alenko?"
"Maybe," Kaidan teased with a smirk and, fuck was that sexy. Shepard felt like
melting from that perfect quirk to Kaidan's lips. "Damn, I need a shower,"
Kaidan blurted suddenly.
"I call it first," Shepard said.
"No you don't," Kaidan shot back and their eyes met. Kaidan's look playfully
dared him to go ahead and try to take it. Well, challenge accepted.
They rushed into the room, grabbed their respective clean clothes, and then met
back at the bathroom door, trying to shove each other out of the way. Kaidan
got his hand on the handle first, "Ha, I win," he said, looking smug. He was in
such a good mood.
Shepard felt a laugh bubble up in his chest, absolutly loving this. Then he
shoved himself in between Kaidan and the door and tried to push Kaidan back so
he would let go of the doorknob. Kaidan wasn't budging and, as Shepard realized
the inevitability of his defeat, he became aware of the side of his body that
was in full contact with Kaidan's.
He took in a sharp breath. Kaidan was warm and he smelled so wonderful. Shepard
looked up and their eyes locked. He felt like time slowed. He couldn't look
away and he really, so badly, just wanted...his eyes shifted down and--
"Okay, fine," Kaidan said, amused, letting go and stepping away from Shepard,
"It's all yours." He held his hands up in defeat and gave Shepard an
exasperated smile, but there was a tinge of something else in his look.
Something unhappy.
We could shower together, Shepard wanted to say.
"Damn right it's mine," he teased a little weakly instead, but something had
happened and the warmth of the moment was gone.
Kaidan distractedly walked back and sat on his bed, frowning. What the hell
just happened? Shepard wondered.
"Yeah, uh,..." Shepard started, and then trailed off with no idea what he
wanted to say. Kaidan looked up, waiting for him to continue, and Shepard just
felt really stupid, so he turned and walked into the bathroom instead. He
closed the door and then rested his head against it. Fuck.
This thing was...well, it was good but, damn, his sanity was probably in
jeopardy. Every part of him was in agreement, his heart, his head, and
certainly his dick. It was all Kaidan. All for Kaidan.
And Kaidan wasn't all for him in return. It was kind of killing him little by
little.
He stripped and got under the flow of warm water. He rubbed his hands over his
face and head and then down the back of his neck. He wished he could just
relax, but his body was not cooperating. He looked down. Yep, definitely not
cooperating.
And that was another thing, he was half hard already. It was kind of his
perpetual state lately. He should probably do something about it-he really
didn't want Kaidan to see his stiffy and then mention it, or even ignore it and
avert his eyes or whatever. Awk-ward.
He let out a long sigh and then reached down, picturing Kaidan from just
moments ago, so warm and inviting. But this time, Kaidan didn't step away, this
time he looked down at Shepard's lips too, and...Shepard felt himself harden
fully.
Fuck. That's all it took? Oh, he felt so pathetic.
Okay, fine, it would just make this that much easier and he might as well get
it over with quickly. He ran his hand down his full length in a couple slow
strokes and thought of that moment again, except now Kaidan didn't have his
shirt and Shepard's bare chest was pressed against the gorgeous chest Kaidan
had to have and Shepard just hadn't seen yet.
Fantasy Kaidan pinned Shepard to the door with his body, "I know you want
this," he teased. He opened the bathroom door but kept Shepard pinned to it.
Kaidan stepped back, away from Shepard, trailing his hand along Shepard's bare
stomach and dipping his fingers down the front of Shepard's pants, teasingly
close to his cock. "Tell me how much," Kaidan demanded softly.
"More than anything, Kaidan, fuck," Shepard said outloud, with a quiet moan.
Then fantasy Kaidan tightened his hand on the waistband of Shepard's pants and
pulled Shepard forward sharply, then pushed him up against the wall of the
bathroom.
Kaidan's body held him to the wall and Kaidan's leg slid in between his,
applying much-wanted pressure to his cock. Kaidan leaned in next to Shepard's
ear, "Fuck?" he whispered, "Is that what you want me to do? Fuck you?"
Oh, that word would sound so good coming from Kaidan's lips. "Yes, fuck, please
Kaidan."
When they got into the shower, fantasy Kaidan made Shepard lean and support
himself with his arms against the shower wall. Then Kaidan reached up with one
hand to entangle their fingers, and down with the other to palm Shepard's dick,
covering the back of Shepard's body with his.
Shepard leaned forward, supporting himself with his arm, to mirror his fantasy,
and imagined feeling Kaidan at his back, Kaidan's dick teasingly against his
ass.
Fantasy Kaidan kissed the back of Shepard's neck and then whispered next to his
ear, "You are mine, Shepard, and no one else's," and Shepard so wanted to hear
that, to have Kaidan claim him, "because I love you," Kaidan continued, "and I
want only you,"--and, "Fuck," Shepard whispered as he started coming, his cock
pulsing, and the arm holding him up going weak.
Damn, that was...he tried to calm his breathing as his fantasy Kaidan faded
away.
He was completely alone again. This was...not really helping his sanity.
He sighed, apparently when you live with the person you love, and you
constantly get new wanking material and personal experiences to build off of,
it can make orgasaming...more intense. Which is a...benefit? ...form of
torture? Ugh.
He made sure all traces of his orgasm were gone before finishing his shower. He
dried, put his pants on and then walked out holding his shirt, chest bare,
masocistically wanting to see if Kaidan would look. Kaidan walked into the
bathroom without looking at him or even saying anything. Nope, guess not. Not
like Shepard's skinny torso was much to look at anyway.
And he might have, maybe, sat on his bed, looking pitiful, staring at the
floor, while he waited for Kaidan to come out. He really didn't know how to fix
this. To not want it. He was pretty sure that was impossible. And when Kaidan
finally came out of the shower he looked clean and warm and still delicious.
"Hey, let's stay in tonight," Shepard said a little desperately.
Kaidan frowned, "Well, I told Rahna we could hang out tonight. She said she
feels like she hasn't seen me in forever."
"Oh...alright," Shepard said, looking back down at the floor. And he knew this
wasn't fair, but he really didn't want to share Kaidan with anybody, especially
Rahna. And especially tonight. "I just thought..." he continued, trailing off.
"Shep, what is it?"
"Well, I was thinking, maybe, I was ready to talk to you about my past. But,
you're busy, I'm sure we can just-"
"No, it's okay," Kaidan said quickly, "I'm sure she'll understand. We can talk
now."
"But she's sort of your girlfriend," Shepard said, his one attempt at being
fair, really not wanting Kaidan to regret this later, "I'm sure that means she
comes first."
"No. This is really important."
And Shepard was going to take whatever Kaidan was willing to give him. He
wasn't going to feel bad about it either. It just wasn't the way he usually did
things. "Okay, um, what do you want to know?"
Kaidan looked away and was quiet for a while. He took several breaths and
finally asked, "Why did you leave?" The words sounded like they hurt his throat
to say.
"I wanted to protect you," Shepard answered, because that was the only reason
why he ever would have left.
Kaidan turned to him sharply, "What?" he said, like that was the one answer he
hadn't expected. Shepard looked into Kaidan's distraught eyes and felt a sharp
spike of despair--he'd never really thought about how much pain and confusion
he'd caused Kaidan by leaving.
Shepard had to look away when he started, he wouldn't be able tell Kaidan
anything if he could see what this was doing to him. "You had caught the
attention of some bad people, a corporation named Cerberus."
Then Shepard forced himself to look up, he needed Kaidan to know he'd left
because he cared, because he cared so much, "They wanted to take you away,"
Shepard continued, his voice going rough, "That's why I wanted everyone to
think the biotics were mine. I could keep you safe, and if they took me, I
could always escape.
"So I let them take me," Shepard said and then Kaidan sat down shakily on the
bed. Shepard had to look away again. He stared down at his hands, moving and
wringing them anxiously. He continued, trying to lighten his tone, "and I did
escape, but apparently," he said and snorted, like it was actually amusing, "I
actually did have biotics and when I was exposed to EZero a second time, I had
a power explosion in a very public part of Omega."
Kaidan reached over and took his hand, stopping Shepard's nervous movements.
Kaidan's hand was really big compared to Shepard's. It was strong and warm and
comforting and exciting. Shepard linked their fingers, took a deep breath, and
continued, "I caught their attention again and this time they made sure I
couldn't get away."
Kaidan squeezed his hand and asked quietly, like he was terrified of the
answer, "What did they do to you?"
"Jack and I-"
"Your sister was there?" Kaidan said, obviously realizing how horrible that
was. "She's so young."
"Yeah. But we escaped about a year ago," Shepard said, trying to be reassuring.
"We have a home now. On an Alliance ship." Shepard absently traced the lines of
Kaidan's hand with the tips of his fingers. "The captain is awesome," he
continued, "and the crew's not bad either. Sometimes it feels like...family.
We're...we're happy there. So it's all good, okay?" Shepard looked up at Kaidan
and tried to give him a reassuring smile.
"What did they do to you?" Kaidan asked again, not letting Shepard change the
subject to a happier one.
"You don't really-"
"Yes I do," Kaidan interrupted, then continued softly with dread, throat tight,
"Please tell me."
Shepard took a deep breath, "Tests. Implants. Chemicals. I certainly don't have
an L2 or L3," he said with a smile, then sighed, "But, they...did everything
they could think of to make us stronger. It...wasn't...good." He shrugged, "At
least they wanted to keep Jack and me alive. The other kids weren't so lucky.
They hated us for it too."
There was a look of such pain on Kaidan's face and Shepard's heart hurt from
seeing it. "All this time," Kaidan said, his fingers tightening around
Shepard's. "All this time I thought you were okay. That you were safe and
happy. If I had known-"
"You would have, what? Come after me?" Shepard interrupted.
"Yeah," Kaidan met his eyes, distraught.
"Well that's a shit plan," Shepard stated. "Kaidan, please don't blame yourself
for this."
"But I failed you," Kaidan said. And that was just ridiculous.
"No, you didn't," Shepard said, "I left, Kaidan. I knew what I was getting
into. Mostly," he said, acquiescing that. "But what I did, I did to protect
you, and I would do it again," he willed Kaidan to understand this. "And I knew
you would have done anything to protect me. We were both crazy little bastards
like that."
Shepard reached out, pausing for a second of doubt, and then continued so that
he could cup Kaidan's face. "And we're fine now," Shepard continued softly, "So
stop. Please. We're Okay."
Kaidan leaned forward to rest his forehead against Shepard's, "I'm sorry," he
said in a whisper. Shepard just soaked in the contact, trying to figure out
what to say.
They sat there together for a long time, not saying anything just...being
together. After a while Kaidan shifted, laying back on Shepard's bed and
bringing Shepard with him. Shepard couldn't breathe for several seconds but he
slowly relaxed. If Kaidan was okay with this then Shepard wasn't going to
complain. He curled around Kaidan a little, Kaidan's arm around his back and
his arm on Kaidan's stomach. Their hands clasped above Kaidan's heart.
Then he just...listened. To Kaidan's heartbeat and the strange resonance of
their breathing. Kaidan eventually took a deep breath and said, quiet and like
a confession, "I want to take care of you."
"...I...know," Shepard answered.
He woke up first, still in Kaidan's arms, warm and happy. He had thrown a leg
around Kaidan during the night and his erection was up against Kaidan's hip.
Kaidan felt really amazing.
Shepard decided to get out of bed before Kaidan woke. This position was
quite...compromising. He didn't have any idea how it would go over and he'd
rather not...this was just safer.
He showered and went to the food commons to wait; Kaidan would come over and
talk to him when he was ready. Except when Kaidan came out of the room he
almost immediately disappeared with Rahna.
Shepard resolutely did not go looking for them. He really didn't want to walk
in on something happening. But after a good chunk of the day he started to get
worried. He grabbed Anna when she came out of the class Kaidan was supposed to
be in.
"Hey, have you seen Kaidan?" he asked anxiously.
"He's in your room," Anna answered.
"With Rahna," he said on a sigh.
"No, alone," Anna corrected, "He has a migraine Shepard," she said it like
Shepard should have known that. Shepard frowned, surprised and confused. When
it was obvious he had no idea what she was talking about, she continued, "He
gets them because of his L2 implant. They can get really bad sometimes."
Kaidan was hurting? "I have to go to him," Shepard said, turning and starting
towards their room.
"I know how you feel about him," Anna blurted, stopping him. He didn't turn
around, but she had all his attention.
"Shepard," she continued softly, "Rahna's not brave enough for what Kaidan is
going to be." He finally turned to her, trying to figure out what she was
really saying. "Rahna sometimes helps him when he has the really bad migraines.
She doesn't know about this one," Anna continued and Shepard finally
understood. "Just...take care of him, okay?" she finished softly.
"Always," Shepard answered immediately and then, "Thank you," he said, meeting
her eyes. She just nodded once to him in acknowledgement and turned and walked
away.
Shepard rushed to their room, "Kaidan?" he said quietly when he came through
the door. Kaidan wasn't in the room, Shepard found him sitting on the bathroom
floor looking like he had just thrown up. Or wanted to.
"You look awful," he said softly.
"Thanks," Kaidan said weakly, then breathed in and out a few times. "At least I
feel a little bit better now."
"Want to lay down on the bed?" Shepard asked, not sure how to help.
"Yeah, that would be good."
Shepard helped Kaidan into bed and then turned on his desk light, facing it
away from Kaidan-just enough light to get around. Then he shut off the room
lights and got a cool damp cloth from the bathroom.
"Would this help?" he asked touching Kaidan's hand with the cloth.
"I don't think it would make it any worse," Kaidan answered, so Shepard went
and got his desk chair so he could sit next to Kaidan and hold the cloth
against his forehead.
"I don't really know what I'm doing," Shepard confessed.
Kaidan gave him a weak smile, "You're doing great." But the smile only lasted a
moment. Kaidan frowned and took deep deliberate breaths, still looking kind of
sick. "Rahna isn't very happy with me," he said after a moment.
"...I'm sorry," Shepard said, and he was, because this was upsetting Kaidan.
"I'm not real happy with her either," he continued, "I told her that I wouldn't
miss our date unless it was something important. She wanted to know what,
exactly, was more important than keeping my promises. And I said I couldn't
tell her." Kaidan took a deep, controlled, breath and continued, "She said that
wasn't a good enough excuse, that we should be honest with each other."
"This is my all fault Kaidan," Shepard said, feeling a little bit awful,
especially since he still wouldn't change a thing. "Do you want me to talk to
her?" he offered.
"No. I'm not sorry. I would do it again." He leaned up to look Shepard in the
eyes, "You're very important to me," he said, but then a look of pain crossed
his face and he laid back down.
"You should stop talking, dork," Shepard chided affectionately.
"I hate this," Kaidan continued a few seconds later, completely ignoring
Shepard's suggestion, "I feel so helpless."
"You could never be helpless," Shepard answered softly, "You're the strongest
man I know."
Kaidan made a soft snort of amusement, "Why are you so nice to me Shepard?" he
asked, sounding genuinely confused by it.
Shepard blinked at him, frowning. Could Kaidan really not know? Know how much
he meant to Shepard? Sure, he probably had no idea about the...specifics, but
he had to know...
"You were nice to me," Shepard answered, "You took care of me, Kaidan. How
could I not want to be able to do that for you?" Then Shepard stopped and
debated because that wasn't all of the reason. Not even close. And he so wanted
to get it out. Out in the open.
He took a deep breath. "Besides..." Shepard continued, trying to keep his tone
casual, "I'm in love with you."
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Summary
     The last chapter of "What Shepard Wanted More Than Freedom," which I
     have fondly subtitled, "The episode in which Kaidan freaks out. A
     lot."
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
"What?!" Kaidan said as he sat up too quickly. Then, "Oww," dammit, that hurt.
"Lay back down, you idiot," Shepard said in a soft voice, gently pushing Kaidan
back with a hand to his chest.
When Kaidan's head felt a little less terrible, he tried, "Shepard-"
"I know you don't feel that way about me," Shepard interrupted, using a tone
that was probably supposed to be reassuring, "I know you have feelings for
Rahna, but I just thought that, maybe, um...that maybe you should know. Know
that you mean worlds to me."
"I..." Kaidan was at a loss for words. And he was really having trouble
thinking clearly, "I...don't...-"
"I'm sorry," Shepard interrupted again, "I shouldn't have said that. I mean-
I shouldn't have told you.-Now," he added quickly, "I shouldn't have told you
right now. Because of your head." He looked down and mumbled to himself,
"Fucking idiot Shepard, what were you thinking?" He looked back up at Kaidan
with a distressed expression. "You need to sleep. We can talk about it
tomorrow, okay?" his voice was soft and a little desperate. Well, Kaidan could
get behind that plan. Later. Deal with it later. Thankfully..?..his migraine
kept him from thinking about anything at all.
The first time he woke up, Shepard was sleeping, slouched in his chair next to
Kaidan's bed. His mouth was open and he was sort of snoring. Kaidan thought
Shepard actually looked really cute. He couldn't help the fond smile that
formed on his face.
Except Shepard was also holding Kaidan's hand, and that was...a little
worrying. But Kaidan just didn't have it in him to pull away so he let himself
drift back into unconsciousness instead.
The second time Kaidan woke up, he was alone. He showered, dressed, then sat
down on his bed. Only then did he let himself think. He put his head in his
hands.
Maybe if he said it out loud it would actually sink in? He rubbed his hands
down his face and then stared absently at Shepard's bed. "Last night Shepard
told you he loved you," Kaidan said to the room, and then he shook his head,
"No. Last night Shepard told you he was in love with you."
Wow, this was...a lot. Shepard. In love. With him. His Shepard. In-Love. With
Kaidan.
What does that really even mean? Love, like romantically? Like...sexually?
Kaidan wasn't...gay. At least he was pretty sure he wasn't. Because of Rahna.
He knew he wanted her. In that way. But this thing with Shepard was so much
more complicated.
They had history. Weird history. Very emotionally involved history.
Shepard just mattered to him. In ways nobody else did. And Kaidan knew, without
a doubt, that he loved Shepard. It just wasn't...sexual.
Though, if he was honest with himself, which he was kind of avoiding right now,
there was the thing with Shepard's lips.
They were very...distracting, for some reason. Kaidan caught himself looking at
them more often than he thought normal. Like the other day when they fought
over the shower-
But they were nice lips-
And it's not like Kaidan was thinking about Shepard's dick.
...okay, well, now he was, but not like that.
Dammit, he really didn't know how to deal with this.
And how had this happened? Why hadn't Kaidan noticed? How had he completely
missed it that Shepard felt this way?
It had only been a little over a week since Shepard got here, and, yes, well,
obviously, they had been spending a lot of time together, but was that really
enough time to fall in love? Kaidan had known Rahna for years and they hung out
a little almost every day--that was enough time to fall in love. But a week?
They hardly knew each other really...
But Kaidan really enjoyed spending time with Shepard and it was easy to see
that Shepard liked spending time with him. Shepard was even a little
bit...needy. Which Kaidan was fine with, he liked to be needed...
And now he could see how that might be misleading. If Kaidan was always giving
him special attention...and lots of attention...
And then, what if Shepard, maybe, had feelings for him when they were younger?
It was possible...and it probably wouldn't take as long then-
But maybe it wasn't really like that. Maybe Shepard just thought he was in love
with Kaidan because he loved spending time with Kaidan...maybe it
wasn't...sexual. It's not like they did relationship-like things. Like kiss or
hold hands or touch... Kaidan's eyes widened with realization.
He touched Shepard all the time. Almost constantly when they were in the room
together, even though it was mostly just them sitting or laying on the bed next
to each other...
...laying on the bed next to each other...
What had Kaidan been doing? He put his hand to his head in distress. If he
wanted to give Shepard the wrong message that was certainly a great way to do
it.
And hand holding...they had held hands! Not just once either.
Oh, Kaidan had so fucked up. No wonder Shepard was confused. Could Kaidan have
been any more confusing?
And Shepard. He had just come out and said it, and then Kaidan hadn't reacted
too well. Shepard had been honest, and Kaidan had started to freak out on him.
Kaidan really needed to talk to him. He needed to let Shepard know that this
didn't change...how much Kaidan cared about him or...how much Kaidan loved
spending time with him. It was probably going to change other things...a lot of
other things, but...
Kaidan suddenly realized that Shepard was probably freaking out right now. He
was probably worrying about exactly this. Kaidan jumped up and rushed to the
mess hall. Halfway there he turned the corner and ran into someone. He wrapped
his arms around their waist and pulled the smaller person to him to keep them
from falling. He sucked in a sharp breath. The person he was holding against
his body was- "Shepard!" Kaidan said surprised.
Shepard looked up at him with wide eyes. "Uh, hi Kaidan," he said breathlessly.
His eyes were so blue. And close. Really, really close. Kaidan's arms were
wrapped around Shepard's waist and their chests, hips and legs were all
touching. Shepard was warm and he was breathing too fast.
Kaidan was breathing too fast too.
His eyes, as if they weren't under his control, dropped to Shepard's lips. They
looked so soft and red and inviting. Kaidan licked his lips and-
Dammit, No! He was not going to do this!
He practically dropped Shepard and stepped back a couple frantic steps. Shepard
stumbled a little, unbalanced from the sudden change, but thankfully didn't
fall.
He stood in front of Kaidan awkwardly and looked at Kaidan's shoes a little
dejected. "Um..." Shepard said, and then finally looked up and met Kaidan's
eyes. A tight nervous feeling formed in Kaidan's stomach at the intense look.
Okay, that's new. "So, you're feeling better?" Shepard continued.
"Uh, yeah, I...um..." Kaidan trailed off and then he bit his lip not sure what
to say now that Shepard was in front of him.
"...I was really worried," Shepard finally added, "I...I didn't know. About the
headaches-I mean migraines-I mean," Shepard squeezed his eyes shut for a
second, "that must...really..suck," he finished kind of lamely, frowning at
himself.
"Yeah...it...does." Damn this was so awkward. What the hell was going on? "But,
um," Kaidan continued, "sometimes Rahna helps me so..."
Shepard dropped his gaze. "Yeah, uh," he said, wrapping his arms around himself
in a defensive manner, "yeah I heard that."
Kaidan started to reach out, he didn't like seeing Shepard so unsure and
distressed and Kaidan instantly wanted to comfort him. But his hand was halfway
in between them when he had another thought.
He kept leading Shepard on with all this contact and affection, right? Maybe he
should stop? But then, he really wanted to give Shepard affection, Kaidan cared
so much about him. And the contact, well, Kaidan wanted that too. But it was
giving the wrong impression, right? And why did Kaidan want it so much?
Shepard looked up at Kaidan and just waited. He didn't even look confused. It
was like he already knew what Kaidan was debating and was just waiting to see
what decision he would make.
And then Kaidan realized, if he stopped touching Shepard now, there was no way
Shepard wouldn't notice. There was no way it wouldn't hurt him. And Kaidan
couldn't do that. He couldn't stand hurting Shepard.
He reached out the rest of the way and placed his hand on Shepard's arm.
Shepard reached up and took Kaidan's hand, moved it off his arm to hold it in
both of his hands. He made the movement look nonchalant, but Kaidan knew it
wasn't. Shepard was testing him, and he was reaching out for reassurance.
So Kaidan held on.
And when Shepard realized Kaidan wasn't letting go, a huge smile formed on his
face. Kaidan's breath caught at it. Shepard was-
And how had Kaidan not noticed before? There was so much love in that smile. It
was impossible not to know Shepard loved him when he looked at Kaidan like
that.
What was Kaidan going to do?
"Right, so..." Kaidan took a deep breath, it could still be the other kind of
love, right? It might not be the...romantic kind of love? Kaidan couldn't let
this be misunderstood. He had to know for sure that Shepard really was or
wasn't in love with him.
"Um, did you..." Kaidan started awkwardly, then closed his eyes and paused for
another deep breath. He looked back at Shepard and continued, "Did you mean
what you said? Last night?" Like that needed clarification Kaidan. Ugh.
Shepard took in a breath and let Kaidan's hand slip out of his. He looked away
from Kaidan and then ran a hand over his buzzed head to rub the back of his
neck.
So, maybe...he wasn't sure? Maybe he was regretting saying it? Didn't really
mean it?
But then Shepard parted his lips and took a fortifying breath. He looked up,
meeting Kaidan's eyes. "Yeah, I meant it," he said, without a trace of doubt in
his voice.
Okay, this was...really messing with Kaidan's pet theory. But he had to be
sure, there was still a chance...
"In a..." Kaidan swallowed nervously, "in a romantic and..." he made a very
non-descript motion. He was really having trouble saying sexual around Shepard.
It's not like he thought of Shepard in specifically anti-sexual terms, like a
blood relative, because he had never seen Shepard like that, but he'd always
seen Shepard as his, and he wanted to protect him. And Shepard was still just
so young.
Shepard smirked a little at Kaidan for his pathetic flailing but quickly turned
serious. "Yes, Kaidan. In every way," he tipped his head once in a nod and then
repeated, slow and very clear, "I mean it in every way."
Damn this was...ugh, really? Okay. One last chance, he need to be absolutely
sure. "So, um...so, you...want...me?" he asked, having a little trouble meeting
Shepard's eyes.
"Yes," Shepard said, and it sounded like he was admitting guilt for a terrible
crime, ensuring himself punishment, but believing in honesty. "I, um..."
Shepard swallowed and then continued, "..I do. Very much," the look he gave
Kaidan was intense and almost sad, "All the time, and...and only you."
Wow, um, that was...fuck, that was...Kaidan realized he was having a little
trouble breathing and he forced himself to take a deep breath. He exhaled and
it came out shaky.
Okay, so, there was really no way to misinterpret that. Shepard was being very
clear. Kaidan met his eyes and nodded to show he understood, "I-"
"Hey Kaidan, hey Shepard!"
"Oh, hi Rahna," Shepard said in an strangled sounding voice, "I'm sorry, but I
have to go-Anna's waiting for me...um, I will--I just--uh, bye," he finished,
quick and awkward, leaving Kaidan alone with Rahna.
Rahna frowned after him slightly and then turned to Kaidan with a serious but
kind expression. "Kaidan, do you have a minute?" Rahna said, "I have something
I want to talk to you about."
Kaidan took a deep breath, "Sure Rahna, what's up?"
"It took me a while to realize it, but I'm sure of it now. And you need to
know," she added with a cute little nod.
"Sure of what, exactly?" Kaidan asked and smiled at her.
"Shepard," she stated and Kaidan tensed, "I thought he was like a little
brother to you," she continued, "but he's not, is he Kaidan? He likes you. He
wants you. He's jealous of me. It's...it's..." she paused, searching for a
word, and then, "distressing," she finished, like it was the best she could
come up with. A silence followed as Rahna searched his face.
"But you already know that," she said, shocked, as she realized it, "He told
you didn't he?" A small frown formed on her face, "Then why are you still
leading him on?" She shook her head and continued, "It's not fair to him and
it's not fair to me. You're not interested, why are you doing it?" she asked,
genuinely confused.
Kaidan frowned, "Why?" he repeated, "I can't just stop hanging out with him
because he has a crush on me, Rahna. I won't stop being his friend." Besides,
he didn't know how to treat Shepard different. He didn't want to treat Shepard
different, and if he was going to have to, he wanted to figure this out with
Shepard, not Rahna.
"I wasn't saying that you shouldn't be his friend. I understand how important
he is to you-"
"Then what are you saying Rahna, because I might be wrong, but I don't think
this is actually your problem to deal with," and the words were a lot harsher
than he'd meant them to be.
She stepped back with a surprised look on her face. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I
didn't mean to upset you," her expression turned repentant, "You're right. I'm
sure you'll figure out what to do."
Kaidan took a calming breath and sighed, "I'm sorry Rahna, I didn't mean for it
to come out like that," he said softly, "Don't worry, everything will work
out."
"It's okay, I know you didn't mean it like that." She took a step back towards
him, "Are you doing okay?" she said, concerned, "You're usually so much more
controlled."
"I'll be fine," he said in what he hoped was a reassuring tone.
"Okay, well, I'm glad you're okay, um, I should probably get to class," she
said, motioning behind her, and then, as an afterthought, "Are we going to hang
out tonight? Anna told me you had a lot of homework yesterday and that's why
you couldn't come last night. But tonight is fine, right?" She looked up at him
with a hopeful expression.
"Yeah, tonight's fine. I'll see you later, okay?"
But Kaidan wasn't okay. He was upset and he was confused. Control was...not
exactly his number one priority right now. He didn't know what to do about
Shepard's feelings for him, but they weren't Rahna's business. It was between
Shepard and Kaidan. But he still didn't understand why he was this upset. And
he really was. He felt...protective...or something.
So when he was walking down the hall later, and he heard a voice around the
corner say, "Kaidan wants to be with me, Shepard. Why can't you see that and
just be happy that he's happy?" Kaidan was really quite pissed.
"Who said I'm not?" Shepard shot back at her.
"He's a good man, the best, and he won't say no to you. If you keep asking,
he'll keep giving."
"What are you talking about Rahna?"
"Your feelings for him," she said like it was obvious, "How he is spending all
his time with you because you keep asking him to."
"Well, I'm sorry to break it to you, but he asks me to hang out with him just
as much as I ask him. So, what? Are you saying I should tell him to leave me
alone?"
"No! He cares about you. It would break his heart. I just...want you to find
someone else, Shepard. Someone who can love you like you want, like you deser-"
"Kaidan loves me. I know he loves me," Shepard interrupted her, but he didn't
sound quite sure, and Kaidan hated that there was a waiver of doubt in his
voice.
"He's not gay, Shepard! He loves you but he can't ever love you like that. Like
you want him to. You're hurting yourself by hanging on to this. I don't want
you to get hurt," and Kaidan could hear the real concern in her voice. She
really thought she was helping.
Shepard was silent for a long time and then, "I can't stop, Rahna, even if I
wanted to. I'm sorry," Kaidan could barely hear him as he continued, "I've
never wanted anyone else." He sounded so sad and broken.
"I'm sorry too, Shepard," Rahna whispered.
"I have to go to class," Shepard said in a rough voice and then Kaidan heard
him walk away. Rahna's steps followed about a minute later.
Kaidan leaned back against the wall and shut his eyes. Why did Shepard have to
fall in love with him? Why did Rahna have to try to get involved? Things just
kept getting worse...
He took a minute to try to calm down and then went to class to let it distract
him from his issues. It worked...sort of...okay not really...at all actually.
In fact, he was very very focused on not thinking about it as he left class
that Anna surprised him by grabbing his arm and urgently saying, "Kaidan, it's
Shepard, come on."
"What's wrong?"
"Vyrnnus," was all she gave him, but it was enough. They ran towards the combat
gym and Kaidan started thinking of all the possible things Vyrnnus could be
doing to Shepard. Then he started to freak out. He wouldn't be able to handle
it if something happened. Not to Shepard, never to Shepard. Please.
Kaidan turned the corner and heard Vyrnnus' voice. "Reckless, stubborn and
stupid," he said down at Shepard, who's back was against the floor. Shepard
moved to pick himself up but Vyrnnus just pushed him back with a burst of
biotics. "What an excellent specimen of your race," Vyrnnus said, circling him,
"Crawling on the floor like you should have done to receive the forgiveness of
the Council."
Shepard tried to get up again and Vyrnnus pushed him back down with his boot.
Shepard scowled and threw Slam at Vyrnnus which fortunately distracted him long
enough for Shepard to scramble up into a defensive standing position. "Well,
you are a terrible specimen of yours," Shepard yelled as he threw another Slam,
"I know for a fact all turians aren't assholes like you!"
Vyrnnus just dodged the Slam with a roll and then threw Stasis back at Shepard.
It pulled him up and suspended him in a field a couple meters off the floor.
"So disrespectful and undisciplined," Vyrnnus growled at him, taking a couple
steps forward.
"You have to earn respect," Shepard snarled back and there wasn't a hint of
fear in his voice, even trapped like he was now.
"What do you know about respect?" Vyrnnus said, quiet and furious. "Your entire
species disrespects themselves. Disrespects the Council. You are only alive
because they think you have something to offer! Your entire species would have
been wiped out if I had anything to say about it. You have nothing to offer but
war, pain and strife!" then softly, his voice full of hatred, he finished,
"You're all disgusting."
Vyrnnus pulled back. He was going to Throw Shepard against the wall, hard
enough he might kill him. Kaidan got ready to hit Vyrnnus with Reave but then
Shepard growled, the sound shifting into a yell until he created a Barrier
strong enough to break Vyrnnus' hold. Shepard dropped down, catching himself in
a crouch, and the Throw passed harmlessly over his head.
Shepard took a deep breath and then snapped his look up to Vyrnnus, molten
anger in his eyes. "And you're pathetic," Shepard spit out, standing up, "It's
not our fault, okay! None of the kids here hurt you or anyone you loved. Stop-
taking-it-out-on-us!"
Shepard threw all his power, at each word, into a Throw hitting Vyrnnus again
and again and again-six blasts. Vyrnnus fell back with the last hit and looked
up at Shepard.
"You know nothing," he said, slow and deadly, then he got up and stalked out of
the room, slamming the doors with an echoed clang.
Shepard stood in the center of the room breathing hard. Kaidan ran toward him
but Shepard just glanced over and then turned and stalked out of the open
doors, down the hall, and in the direction of their room.
"Are you okay?" Kaidan asked, running after Shepard and falling into step
beside him.
"I'm fine," Shepard barked out and picked up his speed.
"Shepard," Kaidan almost begged, grabbing Shepard's arm and turning him around.
He was still avoiding Kaidan's eyes so Kaidan guided Shepard's face with his
palm, "Are you okay? I need to know!" and then softer, almost a whisper, "I
can't bear seeing you get hurt."
Shepard's eyes finally met Kaidan's. His look softened and he gave Kaidan a
weak smile, "I'm really okay Kaidan. It takes a lot more than that to stop me."
Kaidan smiled a little back and let out an amused breath, "Yeah, what am I
worried about?" he said, soft and sarcastic, "Shepard can save the galaxy with
only the sheer power of his stubbornness."
Shepard smiled for real then. "You know it," he said, quiet but smug.
Kaidan let out a sigh, letting this more relaxed moment wash over him. Then he
slowly realized he was still cupping Shepard's face. His eyes hadn't moved away
from that smile, so now he saw how it changed into a surprised gasp.
"Kaidan..?" Shepard whispered on a breath, and then took a step forward.
Finally Kaidan managed to look up to meet Shepard's eyes. Shepard's look was
questioning but full of hope. Kaidan took in a sharp breath.
Shepard licked his lips and Kaidan was caught again. They were slowly moving
towards each other. It felt like gravity. Kaidan closed his eyes. He could feel
the warmth of Shepard's exhale brush his lips. His mind came to focus, sharply,
on one thought-
They were going to kiss. Shepard was going to kiss him. Shepard's lips-
But there was a reason why he shouldn't do this, wasn't there? What was it? It?
No, her-
"Rahna," Kaidan whispered, his lips grazing Shepard's they were so close. "I'm
with Rahna." He opened up his eyes to see Shepard stepping back sharply with a
look of pain on his face.
"I know that!" he said, quiet and almost angry. "Do you think I could forget?"
"Then what are you doing?" Kaidan asked, throat tight, in pain because Shepard
was in pain.
"I just know what I want," Shepard answered, "I would never say no if..."
Shepard glanced around as if searching for words "...the chance to be with
you..." he looked back a Kaidan and quietly finished, "...I could never turn it
down."
"I'm so sorry Shepard," Kaidan said distraught, and why did this have to be so
messed up? "I can't...I never wanted to hurt you-"
"I don't need you to protect me, Kaidan," Shepard interrupted, "I especially
don't need you to protect my feelings," he said it like they were something
disgusting, "If you need someone to protect, go find Rahna."
"Shepard-"
But he had already turned and stalked off towards their room without glancing
back. Kaidan, at a loss for what to do, walked to his spot on the station in
front of the window. He sat down on the bench and put his head in his hands. He
tried working out some of this mess in his head, but his thoughts were getting
him nowhere.
"I saw you Kaidan. With Shepard," Rahna said, and Kaidan looked up at her.
"And I heard you talking to him," he shot back.
"Oh, I-"
"Nothing happened," he interrupted because he didn't want to hear what she
thought was justification for treating Shepard like that.
"I know," she said in an apologetic tone, "but that doesn't matter."
"Why wouldn't it matter?"
"Because you wanted it to," she said, like it was that simple.
"Rahna-" he started, trying to explain.
"Tell me you don't want him," she interrupted, "Not even a little."
Kaidan didn't know how to answer her. Wasn't that the exact question he
wouldn't let himself ask? He hadn't let himself answer before, so he didn't say
anything now.
"I can't compete with him," she continued softly, "and I don't want to."
"You don't have to do this Rahna. We can work this out."
"I think we should go back to being friends," she said shakily, putting her
arms around herself and avoiding Kaidan's eyes.
He squeezed his eyes shut. Everything was falling apart. Shepard was upset with
him and this thing with Rahna, he had wanted it for so long. He still wanted
it. But he didn't know how to fix anything right now.
"I don't want to be just friends, Rahna," Kaidan said on a sigh.
"I'm sorry Kaidan," she turned away, still refusing to meet his eyes, "I...have
to go," she said, and then rushed away.
Kaidan thought about skipping dinner so he didn't have to see either of them,
but he had never been one to run away from anything so he walked into the mess
hall, head held high. He wasn't even going to avoid their glares if they gave
any.
Rahna glanced up at him when he came in, but then quickly back down. Kaidan
looked over at Shepard. The look that met his was angry and hurt but it became
concerned when Shepard took in Kaidan's expression. Kaidan must look worse than
he thought.
He decided to walk over to sit next to Anna, at least one relationship he had
wasn't complicated right now. Unfortunately for Kaidan, Shepard was on the
other side of Anna, and their eyes met for a second over Anna's head. He saw
Shepard search his face, trying to figure out if Kaidan was really okay. The
concern took over the anger but the hurt look never left. It was strange, the
pain made him beautiful, in a sad way, and Kaidan couldn't look away. Shepard
didn't either. For a moment it felt like they were the only ones in the
galaxy...
"I'm too tired Vyrnnus, please," Rahna said, her voice breaking their spell.
Kaidan turned to see Rahna reaching for a glass of water which Vyrnnus had
obviously just moved away.
So it was one of those days. Great. Like he really needed a meal where he had
to eat all his food using his biotics instead of his hands. Kaidan sighed and
then did a double take, Rahna's extended arm was shaking. She must be really
tired. Or upset...
"I will not have you showing such weakness, Vyrnna!" the turian said, and then
pushed her arm away with his powers.
Vyrnna? What? And why was Vyrnnus still pushing this, it was obvious Rahna
couldn't do what he was asking right now. There was even blood on her sleeve
where she must have wiped it off earlier.
"Let go of me!" Rahna said angrily and glared, pulling away from his hold.
"No!" Vyrnnus said, to everyone's surprise, and tightened his fist, restricting
Rahna more.
"Vyrnnus, stop! Please," she said, pain evident in her voice, and then she
tried to pull away just as Vyrnnus pulled forward. They heard a crack and Rahna
screamed.
She bit the scream off quickly but the resulting silence was deathly. It felt
like everyone was holding their breath in horror. Rahna held her arm awkwardly
in front of her, and silent tears streamed down her face. Her arm was broken.
Vyrnnus had broken Rahna's arm!
The turian stepped back like he was surprised at what he'd done. Then he
appeared to recover and said, soft and almost sad, "Look at the stupid thing
you've done, Rahna."
They all stared at him in disbelief.
"You asshole," Shepard growled, breaking the silence. Kaidan turned sharply to
find Shepard standing, fists up and covered in blue.
"Shepard!" Kaidan yelled, staring him down. Don't! Don't you dare, he tried to
demand with his look. Thankfully, for once Shepard listened and sat back down,
although his fists were shaking like he was just barely keeping himself still.
Kaidan turned back to Vyrnnus and he met the turian's eyes with a glare. "Why
can't you leave us alone?" Kaidan demanded.
"And let you destroy yourselves? Is that what you want?" Vyrnnus formed his
hands into fists, "You are all so disgustingly weak minded!"
"Don't you have any morals? You broke her arm!"
Vyrnnus' eyes darted to Rahna but then he focused back on Kaidan. He said,
quiet but dark, "Would you like me to break your arm too. To make it even
Alenko? How is that for your stupid fucking morals?" Blue power started forming
in twisting strands along his arms.
"You're not getting away with this," Kaidan said, refusing to be bullied, "I'm
going to make sure you leave and never come back!"
"So confident in your abilities are you?" and that was the warning Kaidan had
before Vyrnnus stepped forward to use Reave. It bounced harmlessly off Kaidan's
quickly formed Barrier. He thought he was safe but then Vyrnnus pulled out a
knife. Kaidan's Barrier would do nothing against a-
Before he really knew what was happening Vyrnnus had slammed Kaidan into the
wall and had the knife, a military-issue Talon, sharp against Kaidan's throat.
"We should have bombed you back to the Stone Age when we had the chance,"
Vyrnnus yelled and Kaidan's eyes went large as he realized Vyrnnus might
actually kill him.
Then he just got angry. So angry. About what Vyrnnus had done to them, all of
them and especially to Rahna, especially to Shepard. He was so upset about how
things were falling apart, and he just...let his power go.
Vyrnnus flew back and the knife left his hand to slide across the floor. Kaidan
got ready for the next attack he knew was coming...except it didn't.
Vyrnnus wasn't moving.
They all stared, waiting. Waiting for the furious explosion Vyrnnus was going
to have when he got up...
...when he...woke up?
But nothing happened.
Kaidan sensed the students' increasing panic, and Anna walked over to Vyrnnus.
Kaidan felt Shepard's hand on his arm and Shepard's strong presence beside him.
But Kaidan just couldn't seem to look away from the unmoving turian.
Vyrnnus was sprawled on the floor across the room and his eyes were looking up,
towards the ceiling. Anna looked up at Kaidan from her position kneeling beside
him and Kaidan finally looked at her.
"He's dead Kaidan," she whispered in shock.
Kaidan's mind went blank.
Then...
...Vyrnnus was dead...Vyrnnus was dead and Kaidan-had-killed-him.
No!
No! He hadn't meant to...he never meant to really hurt Vyrnnus. Kaidan didn't
like hurting anyone. He only wanted to protect.
To protect Rahna...
He turned back to the girl he had been trying to defend. "Rahna are you okay?"
Kaidan asked, his voice torn up. He could hear her quiet whimpers. He reached
out to her to see how injured her arm was and she shied away from him like he
was going to hurt her.
"Don't touch me," she said.
"Rahna, I won't hurt you. I promise I'll be gentle. Let me see your arm."
"No," she said, shaking her head, "Kaidan, you murdered him. He's...he's dead.
Because of you."
He looked at her distraught, "I didn't mean to, I didn't want to kill him. I
just...didn't want him to hurt you anymore. I don't want you to have to be
afraid."
"I never wanted this," she said, refusing to look at Kaidan or in the direction
of Vyrnnus. "Don't ever say you did this for me. Please don't ever say that,"
she whispered.
"You know I didn't mean it, Rahna, you have to know that," he said desperately
as he went to kneel next to her.
"I don't want you to touch me," she said frantically before he could get close.
"I'm afraid of you! What you just did...you lost control...Kaidan, you scare me
more than he ever did," she finished, her voice falling to almost a whisper.
"What?" he said, his voice raw, "Rahna...-"
"What's going on here?" one of the administrators asked as he ran up to them. A
younger student must have gone to get him. The man kneeled down next to
Vyrnnus, checking him, and then, "Everyone, I want you to go to your rooms.
Right now," he said urgently.
Everyone started moving at once but Kaidan couldn't. Shepard had to drag him to
their room because Kaidan wasn't registering anything. He only noticed when he
was shoved through the doorway and the door was locked behind him.
"Grab your stuff, one bag," Shepard said in a deliberately calm voice, "I have
an escape plan. I think we've got half an hour until they notice we've gone."
"Shepard...Rahna-"
"Fuck Rahna, we have to go!" Shepard yelled, dropping the calm and belaying his
actual state.
"I'm not going with you, Shepard!" Kaidan shot back, "I'm not running. I'll do
whatever they want."
"What good are you going to do anyone by staying here?"
"I don't know. I just...Rahna..." he ran his hands through his hair, "she
thinks I'm a murderer," he whispered, pained.
"She's wrong! She's stupid! Dammit Kaidan-"
"I need to go see her," he interrupted, not wanting to hear the rest of what
Shepard wanted to say. "I can't bear having her afraid of me. I didn't mean to-
she has to understand. She..." his throat closed and he couldn't continue. He
turned to leave but then Shepard's arms wrapped around his waist.
"Kaidan stop," Shepard begged, "Please don't leave. Stay with me." Shepard was
warm and comforting at his back.
It felt almost suffocating.
"Let-me-go." Kaidan said, his voice coming out flat and low.
"No," Shepard said, squeezing him tighter.
"I could make you let me go," Kaidan said, almost a growl, and then he realized
something else. He was powerful. He was dangerous. Rahna was right.
"I'm not afraid of you," Shepard whispered, close to his ear, like he knew
exactly what Kaidan was thinking.
Why? Why did Shepard have to sound so understanding? Like it didn't matter.
Like killing someone-
Kaidan jerked out of Shepard's arms. "You should be afraid of me!" he said
without turning to look at Shepard, "I'm upset...unstable, I..." he trailed
off. He felt so lost.
"You would never hurt me," Shepard said, and there wasn't a trace of doubt in
his voice.
Kaidan turned sharply and shoved Shepard against the wall, pinning his wrists
above his head. "I could make another mistake!" he yelled, the words sounding
weird out of his tight throat. "I could hurt you without wanting to!" Why
couldn't Shepard understand this? He took a deep breath and tried to calm down,
"I could k...I could kill you," he said softer, his voice catching on the last
two words, "just like Vyrnnus."
Shepard locked his eyes with Kaidan's, "I'm-Not-Going-Anywhere," Shepard said,
enunciating each word. His wrists were shaking in Kaidan's hold. Kaidan sucked
in a breath and he stepped sharply back as he realized Shepard was trembling.
Was he afraid? What had Kaidan done?
He searched Shepard's face but...he didn't find fear. Shepard was shaking and
breathing too fast, but the look he was giving Kaidan...
Shepard wasn't scared. He was shaking because he wanted Kaidan. How could
Shepard still want him? Kaidan had killed someone. Rahna couldn't even stand to
look at him. And then here was Shepard, and he still wanted...
still loved...
Kaidan felt like he couldn't breathe, and when Shepard licked his lips, Kaidan
couldn't see anything else, couldn't think anymore, he had to...
His mouth was on Shepard's, his hands cupping Shepard's face, and it was like
Shepard melted into him. Their mouths opened to each other, and Kaidan felt
like he needed Shepard like he needed air. Shepard pulled their bodies together
and their mouths broke apart...
"Oh, fuck Kaidan...want you so bad..."
...the way Shepard's body felt-it was too much...
"Shepard...I-"
"Don't stop, please don't stop," Shepard begged. Like that was even a choice
right now? Kaidan could feel Shepard was hard against his hip and...ohh...it
felt so intoxicating. He was making Shepard feel...
And he'd never thought before Shepard that this was something he could want.
But it was Shepard and Shepard was his. His to protect. His to love. He took
Shepard's mouth back, their tongues sliding together. He wanted to touch more
of what he was suddenly allowed to have.
He trailed his hands down Shepard's chest and grabbed Shepard's waist, sliding
his hands under Shepard's shirt he met warm smooth skin. Shepard moved his
hands up and tangled them in Kaidan's hair.
Kaidan slid his hands all the way around Shepard's thin but strong waist. He
tried to move Shepard's shirt up, Shepard felt so good in his arms, he wanted
more of Shepard's skin against his, but this stupid shirt was in his way...
"I need this-"
"Yes," Shepard said, rushing to pull it over his head. And then he was back in
Kaidan's hands. Oh, wow. He couldn't even...Shepard was just...
He placed his hands on Shepard's stomach, tracing the faint lines of Shepard's
abs with his thumbs. Beautiful.
"I can't focus while you're doing that," Shepard said, his voice a mix between
a moan and a groan. Shepard was doing something to his shirt...unbuttoning
it...
Kaidan found a place to put his hands to keep them still. He slid his fingers
in between the waistband of Shepard's pants and the dips next to his hips. His
hands were so close to--
"Fuck, that's not better," Shepard said breathlessly, and then just yanked,
bypassing the last two buttons of Kaidan's shirt completely. Shepard pushed
Kaidan's shirt off his shoulders and pulled their bodies back together. The
feeling of his bare skin against Shepard's--he wanted to get even closer. He
pushed them backward until Shepard's back hit the wall.
Then he put his face next to Shepard's neck and just breathed. The scent almost
made him dizzy. How could someone smell so good?
He opened his mouth, reached out with his tongue, and tasted. Licked and then
sucked the taste of Shepard into his mouth.
"Fuck Kaidan," Shepard breathed, his fingers tangling in Kaidan's hair again.
Kaidan kissed up Shepard's neck and jaw. He cupped Shepard's face and took
Shepard's mouth back with his, sucking Shepard's lip into his mouth and
worrying it with his teeth. Then he kissed Shepard's nose and forehead and
cheek. Mine, all "mine," his mind whispered.
"Yes. Only yours," Shepard said, answering Kaidan's voiced thought.
Kaidan rested their foreheads together and breathed. If Shepard was his then he
wanted...he stepped back and trailed his hands down to undo Shepard's belt,
unbutton and unzip Shepard's pants, and then slide them off his hips, just
enough to reveal and put his hand around...Kaidan bit his lip and felt his cock
throb at the sight of Shepard's dick in his hand.
It was a little smaller than his and it felt hot and good and so hard. Shepard
must want Kaidan so bad to be this hard for him. Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut
as his body reacted to that thought. "Fuck-"
"Oh," Shepard moaned and Kaidan looked up. Shepard was leaning against the wall
like he couldn't hold himself up. He had his eyes closed and his hands on his
head like he could barely handle what Kaidan was doing to him. He looked
wreaked. And Kaidan was doing this to him. Shepard looked breathtaking and
Kaidan couldn't breathe.
Naked, he wanted Shepard naked right now.
Kaidan guided Shepard to the bed and they fell onto it, tangled together, with
Kaidan straddling Shepard's hips. He met Shepard's eyes looking for any
reluctance or second thoughts. Shepard met Kaidan's look with one of pure and
desperate want and then Kaidan had to take Shepard's mouth with his.
The rough part of Shepard's tongue teased the smooth part of Kaidan's and he
moaned. Shepard moaned in response and Kaidan felt the hum of it go to his
head. His cock throbbed at the sound. He wanted to rub down against Shepard so
bad but he needed more skin. Less clothes. He slowed the kiss with a nip at
Shepard's lip and then got back off the bed.
He removed Shepard's shoes and socks, tossing them away, then dipped his
fingers past the line of Shepard's pants. Shepard lifted his hips and Kaidan
slid Shepard's jeans and boxers the rest of the way off, his eyes trailing
Shepard's legs as he revealed more of Shepard's body. It felt like unwrapping
the most perfect present.
He dropped the pants to the side and stepped back. Then he just gaped. Shepard
looked amazing and beautiful and everything Kaidan wanted. "Fuck," Kaidan said
because he couldn't help it.
Shepard moaned then leaned his head back, squeezing his eyes shut, "How can you
be this amazing?" he said, "It's so fucking hot when you say that."
Kaidan took several breaths. "Shep, I can't even..." Kaidan tried to say but
then Shepard reached down and wrapped his hand around his erection, sliding up
and down once, "Fuck," Kaidan said as he lost all train of thought and reached
down to rub himself through his pants.
Shepard's eyes darted down and then back to Kaidan's. "Kaidan, I need to see
you," he said, breathless and desperate.
"Okay..." Kaidan said, the hint of nerves quickly drowned out by the naked want
in Shepard's expression.
Kaidan toed off his shoes and then socks, almost stumbling in his haste. Then
he reached down to unhook his belt and looked up to meet Shepard's eyes again.
Shepard's hands had moved to grip the comforter like he was barely holding
himself back from attacking Kaidan.
"Mmh," Kaidan let out an involuntary whimper and bit his lip. The thought of
Shepard wanting Kaidan so bad. Shepard was driving him crazy looking like that.
Kaidan undid his pants and then pushed them all the way down. He stood back up
so Shepard could see all of him. Shepard's eyes roamed over Kaidan's body.
"Fuck, Kaidan," Shepard said and then bit his lip, his cock moving with a spike
of arousal.
Kaidan rushed back over and onto the bed. He held himself above Shepard and
between Shepard's legs. He searched Shepard's face and then he leaned down and
softly teased Shepard's lips with his. Shepard moaned into his mouth and then
reached up, cupping Kaidan's face, thumb caressing Kaidan's cheek. Shepard
wrapped his legs around Kaidan and pulled him closer. The kiss became more
heated, their mouths opening to each other, as Kaidan let himself be drawn
down, his body resting partly on Shepard's.
Shepard arched up, rolling his hips against Kaidan's. The pressure and the
feeling of Shepard's cock next to his-it was just-"Ohh..." Kaidan said,
breaking the kiss, and resting his head in the crook of Shepard's neck. He felt
like he was going out of his mind.
"Fuck...Kaidan...you're...so good," Shepard said and Kaidan felt Shepard's
fingers tangle in his hair.
And Kaidan just wanted...he wanted Shepard and he wanted to give Shepard
everything. More affection, more love. He wanted Shepard to know how special he
was to Kaidan. He kissed the skin below his mouth and then Shepard's collarbone
and down Shepard's chest, he reached Shepard's nipple and placed the flat of
his tongue against it then licked.
Shepard trembled and let out a whimper so Kaidan did it again. Then he lipped
and nipped and sucked until Shepard sounded like he was going out of his mind.
The way Shepard was writhing and the sounds he was making, Kaidan could barely
even-
"Kaidan," Shepard said, his voice sounded so breathless and desperate,
"Kaidan," Shepard grabbed Kaidan's hair gently, he moaned and then whispered,
"I want you to have sex with me."
"What?" Sex? Sex with Shepard? Kaidan looked up, surprised and worried and full
of heart crushing adoration, "I...I don't know what to do," he said. He'd never
done this before, not with anybody.
"I do. It will be fine. I promise."
Kaidan stopped breathing, "Please tell me you haven't-that someone hasn't-
" mine, only mine, his mind screamed.
"I haven't," Shepard reassured him quickly and then softly, "I've always wanted
it to be you."
"Oh fuck," he said, resting his head on Shepard's chest. He didn't know what to
do with this. All of this.
"Please, Kaidan," Shepard whispered, running his fingers through Kaidan's hair,
"Please say yes."
Kaidan looked up into Shepard's eyes. "Yes," he said, he had never wanted
anything so much before this, "of course, yes."
Shepard nodded, pushed Kaidan gently up and got up off the bed. Kaidan watched
as he went to grab a tube out of his bag. The way Shepard moved, the lines of
Shepard's back, the perfect curve of his ass, it was almost more than Kaidan
could bear.
Shepard came back and moved a pillow. Then he laid down so it was under his
lower back and Kaidan was sitting back on his heels between Shepard's legs.
Shepard reached for Kaidan's hand, he place a kiss on Kaidan's palm, and then
squeezed the gel from the tube onto Kaidan's fingers. Shepard brought Kaidan's
hand down between his legs, "I need you to stretch me out," he said and then
bit his lip.
"Okay..." Kaidan swallowed, nervous. He reached down and teased the entrance,
smearing the gel around Shepard's puckered hole, and then slid his finger in.
Fuck. It was so warm and soft and unbelievably erotic. Kaidan moaned and
Shepard whimpered.
Kaidan's eyes swung to Shepard's, "Shep, did I-"
"No, it's fine," Shepard interrupted before he could freak out, "It doesn't
hurt at all. I just," he made a quiet sound, an exhale both incredulous and
happy, "I just love it that you're touching me."
Okay, Kaidan inhaled deep, trying to calm himself. That was encouraging. But
this whole thing, it was a lot scarier than he thought it would be. He was so
afraid he might hurt Shepard. But then he had another thought. Something that
might help both of them. He shifted back and then leaned in and placed his lips
against the head of Shepard's cock like a kiss.
"What are you..." Shepard started to say, but then Kaidan stuck his tongue out
and licked up the length of him. "Oh, fuck!" Shepard said, grabbing the sheets.
So Shepard had never gotten a blow job before. Good. That's good. Because
Kaidan had never given one before. Actually, Kaidan had never received one
either, so he really didn't know what he was doing. But at least he knew the
basics of this.
Kaidan put his mouth around Shepard and then slid down, as deep as could. He
sucked and swallowed and then slid back up for air, running his tongue along
the sensitive underside. Down again until Shepard's cock was against the back
of his throat, suck and lick back up. When he felt like he could do this and
focus on the other thing, he slid his finger out and back in. Out and back in.
Damn. So good.
"Another," Shepard whispered so Kaidan slowly slid a second finger in. Shepard
arched up, moving with Kaidan, stretching himself out on Kaidan's fingers. The
noises Shepard made, Kaidan hummed in response around Shepard's erection. A
keening moan followed by a broken gasp, fuck, Kaidan's cock throbbed at the
sound, begging for attention.
"Another," Shepard demanded and Kaidan obeyed. He felt so close to Shepard like
this, so amazed that Shepard was trusting him so much. Letting Kaidan do this
to him. And Shepard was falling apart in his hands.
Kaidan watched, enthralled. Shepard ran his hands over his head, arching so
beautifully and breathed out, "K, stop stop stop stop, I can't...I want-I need
you inside me." Heat spiked through Kaidan and he couldn't think for a moment.
He licked up Shepard's cock, then, "Okay, okay," he said and slowly pulled his
fingers out. He shifted up close to Shepard and Shepard moved his legs so one
of his ankles was resting on Kaidan's shoulder and the other was supported by
Kaidan's left arm. Kaidan lined himself up, his thighs next to Shepard's hips
and placed the head of his cock teasingly next to Shepard's hole, sliding
against it with precome. The intense focused feeling of it made it seem like
that was the only part of his body that was real.
"Shep," Kaidan took a couple breaths trying to calm himself, "are you...are
you..sure?" he asked, he needed this to be what Shepard wanted.
"Yes, fuck, yes," Shepard said desperately, so Kaidan pushed in. Oh, it was so
tight and warm and... Kaidan wasn't going to be able to last long like this. He
needed to-
He reached out, wrapping his hand around Shepard's cock and pumped up and down.
Then he rolled his hips in sync, sliding smoothly in and out, in out...
"Oh, Shep," Kaidan whispered, squeezing his eyes shut against the sight of
Shepard below him. He was so close. How could someone feel so much at once?
Feel this much and not die from it.
He sped his hand up to bring Shepard closer. He wouldn't last, he had to make
it until-
"Fuck Kaidan, I'm going t..."
The feel of Shepard going impossibly hard and then pulsing in his hand, strands
of white leaving his tip, the surprise and bliss on Shepard's face-it was too
much-Kaidan couldn't-he had to-yes-yes-fuck yes-
The feeling started in his tip and spread through his whole body and mind. He
was-oh, Shep-he was riding the waves of it and, fuck, it's not stopping. He
couldn't think anything but blinding white pleasure and yes Shep, fuck yes
Shep, so good-
He came down off his high breathing hard through his mouth against Shepard's
leg and then placed a sloppy kiss where his lips were resting. A shaky whimper
left his mouth and he realized he was trembling.
He pulled himself slowly out and then leaned over to kiss Shepard on the lips.
He cupped Shepard's face and felt dampness. "Shep..." Kaidan said, still
breathless, "Shep...are you...are you crying?" How...what-
"Yeah, but...I don't know why," Shepard said, breathless too. He tried to wipe
some of the wetness off his face, "that was just so much and so good,
Kaidan...I...I don't know why I-," he huffed a watery laugh, "...I feel like
such an idiot right now."
"Don't, it's okay, it's okay, you look beautiful," Kaidan said, moving his
thumb across Shepard's cheek in a caress, and then he kissed the salty tears
off Shepard's face.
"Wow, Kaidan," Shepard said with a fond laugh, "you are so sappy, you know
that?" Kaidan could hear the contented smile in Shepard's voice.
"I love you," Kaidan answered instead and Shepard took in a sharp breath. And
then Kaidan realized he hadn't said it out loud yet. Hadn't said it the hundred
different times he had thought it. Shepard hadn't known for sure.
He wanted to apologize for letting Shepard wonder but Shepard just looked up at
him, so happy. "I love you too K," he said and reached up to Kaidan's face, "I
love you so much."
And Kaidan had to kiss him again, the kisses soft and languid but intimate. I
love you, I love you, he tried to say with each of them.
Kaidan's arm started shaking so Shepard slid over to let Kaidan lay next to
him. Kaidan put his hand on Shepard's chest...and felt something sticky. Kaidan
realized their mess was drying on Shepard's chest and stomach.
"Oh, sorry about-" Shepard started to say.
"No," Kaidan interrupted, "I want to...let me...take care of you," Kaidan said
and Shepard nodded.
Kaidan went into the bathroom and reached for a cloth but then looked at his
hand covered in Shepard's cum. Suddenly curious, he brought it to his mouth and
licked the substance off his palm. The taste was...strange but the thought of
Shepard's come in his mouth was...really erotic. He realized he wanted, very
badly, to suck Shepard off again. To have Shepard orgasm down his throat.
Wow. Well, he was completely sure now, defiantly not straight. That
was...surprisingly fine. Kaidan was okay with that.
He washed his hands and brought a dampened cloth out. But then he had to stop
and just look at Shepard. Shepard was sprawled and lounging, hands behind his
head, one knee propped up. His eyes met Kaidan's and his expression was a mix
between smug and shy. He was unbelievably cute and sexy and so very Kaidan's.
Yeah, not straight and definitely okay with that.
Kaidan walked over and gently cleaned Shepard's chest then between his legs,
placing kisses on the freshly cleaned skin. Shepard didn't say anything, but he
watched, wonder and love in his smile.
Kaidan put the wash cloth back and returned, turned off the lights, and settled
on the bed. Kaidan curled his body around Shepard's, kissed Shepard's shoulder
and then ran his fingertips absently across the lines of Shepard's chest and
stomach.
Shepard felt warm and soft and so very perfect, and Kaidan let his eyes slide
shut. Shepard mumbled something like "...want us to always be together..." and
Kaidan made a contented hum then let his consciousness slip away with Shepard's
heartbeat under his palm.
Kaidan woke up slowly with a warm and ridiculously happy feeling blanketing his
thoughts. He smiled and took in a deep breath of something that smelled
amazing. Then he frowned and made several important observations very quickly--
his leg was thrown over another person--his head was cuddled on a shoulder--an
arm was around his back--
and Kaidan's arm was across a male chest--
Shepard.
...
..
.
No!
He sat up so fast his vision blurred and everything slammed back into his head.
No no no no. Please no! Let it have been a dream. Please let it just have been
a dream.
But it wasn't. It was real. It was all real. Vyrnnus dead...Rahna gone...and
Shepard...
...He'd fucked his friend.
Kaidan started to feel like his lungs couldn't take in air. He was breathing
too fast. He put his feet on the floor and then leaned over his legs clutching
his head in his hands. How could he have...
He'd fucked his fourteen-year-old friend last night!
What kind of man was he?
This wasn't...how had he let himself...what was he going to do now?
Kaidan turned to look at Shepard. His eyes trailed down Shepard's beautiful
sleeping form. He'd fucked...he'd fucked...
Kaidan felt his cock harden-
Dammit! No!
Fuck! He still wanted to. Kaidan ran his hands down his face. He so badly
wanted to do it again. He felt sick and wrong and torn and nervous and excited
and just
so confused.
He had to leave. He couldn't bear to stay here right now.
He got up and grabbed a bag, only throwing the things he couldn't live without
into it. In five minutes he stood in the middle of the room, ready to go,
staring at his sleeping Shepard.
He walked over and touched Shepard's buzzed head softly then he leaned down and
kissed Shepard's temple.
"I'm sorry, Shep," he whispered, touching their foreheads together, "I
can't...I can't do this right now. I can't handle it. We'll see each other
again someday, I promise. Just not right now, okay?"
He got up and walked over to the door but instead of opening it he rested his
head against it. He couldn't do this, he couldn't leave Shepard. Not just when
they finally found each other again.
But he had to. Kaidan wasn't okay right now. He wasn't stable. He was dangerous
and...
And worst of all, there was no way, in all the worlds, that he was going to be
able to keep his hands off Shepard. He wouldn't be able to wait until Shepard
was older. He had never wanted something as much as he wanted Shepard right
now.
Kaidan took a very shaky breath and stepped back, opening the door. He looked
over at his friend one last time, "I love you Shepard," he said softly.
And then he left.
Chapter End Notes
     Spoiler teaser for "What They Saved The Galaxy For," the next
     installment of the Two Reasons Series.
     .
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     .
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     .
     Kaidan had heard they were getting a Commander John Shepard on the
     Normandy, and for a moment he'd thought, my Shepard? But, no, that
     couldn't be right. His Shepard didn't have a first name. So, who the
     hell was John Shepard?
     But he had suspected, even though it'd only been for a moment. And
     now Kaidan was standing here, staring at his...this...man, and he had
     no idea what to do.
      Why hadn't he been ready for this?
     For updates on the status of Reasons part 3 go to Reasons_Update on
     my Tumblr.
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