Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/506247.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Remus_Lupin/Severus_Snape
  Character:
      Remus_Lupin, Severus_Snape, Sirius_Black
  Additional Tags:
      Sad
  Stats:
      Published: 2011-05-12 Completed: 2012-09-07 Chapters: 3/3 Words: 9478
****** Werewolf seduction ******
by imera
Summary
     Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Severus
     refuses to be fooled a third time.
Notes
     Written for a challenge called ‘Tears pour down my cheeks’ that was
     hosted by Heart of Spellz on FF.net . The challenge was to write a
     story to make her cry. I allowed her to choose my pairing and she
     chose two I never thought of writing about at that time. This is what
     she said about my entry, that won 1st place :D “The tears came from
     nowhere while I was reading this and took me completely by surprise.
     This is an incredibly stong, emotional piece that sends you on a ride
     where you experience just about every emotion you could possibly
     imagine. Again, I recommend reading this. Congratulations, imera!”
     There are three quotes in this story. The first is by Elias Canetti
     'All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams.' I could
     not find who the second belongs to ‘Our world is at it's end.
     Somehow, I thought it'd be easier than this.’ And the third is by
     Aldous Huxley 'Several excuses are always less convincing than one.'
***** Chapter 1 *****
Severus sat on the hard floor, his knees hugged against his chest and a large
book hovering in front of him. With a flick of his wand the page turned and he
continued reading. He had been sitting there in the same position for so long
that, whenever someone passed the section he was in, he wouldn't even bother to
look up; he knew by previous experience that nobody would bother him since
everyone thought he was a freak.
So, when a young boy - whom Severus had tried to avoid for the last week -
stopped by the end of the shelves, Severus didn't realize it until it was too
late. It was only when Remus Lupin walked towards did he decide to look up.
Clumsily and hurriedly, Severus pushed himself up off of the floor and made to
get away from Remus, only to knock over a few books that he had stacked up
beside him earlier. Desperately he tried to put as much space between him and
the boy, who Severus had just recently discovered was a werewolf.
"Don't worry, Snape," Remus said calmly, "I won't hurt you." It was just too
bad that Severus wasn't really listening to him. Instead Severus was trying to
find a way out from the dead end, only to be pressed against the corner when
Remus approached him further.
"I didn't tell anyone," Severus gushed out frantically, hoping the werewolf
would leave him alone.
"Snape, listen to me; I don't want to hurt you. You're safe now. I just want to
talk to you." Severus stared at Remus for what seemed like forever. He just
couldn't comprehend why the werewolf only wanted to talk.
It must be a trap, he thought suddenly, but he won't succeed. Determined to
fight for all he was worth, Severus stood up straight and gave the werewolf the
meanest glare he could muster.
"I...I'm not afraid of you," Severus said, attempting a cold, fearless tone.
However, no sooner had he gathered up all the courage he could muster, his
audacity vanished as the werewolf smiled a most chilling smile; the toothy grin
sent a cold, unpleasant vibe through Severus' body.
"I just want to talk," Remus repeated.
"But I don't want to," Severus said lowly. He tried to walk around Remus, but
the other boy refused to let him pass, and when Severus daringly tried to push
him aside, he didn't even budge. His hand was still resting on the werewolf's
shoulder when a second cold shiver passed through him. Almost like he had been
burned he pulled his hand back. At that, Remus' smile only seemed to increase
and for a second Severus thought Remus enjoyed the effect he had on him; not
that he was sure what kind of effect it was.
Suddenly Remus lifted his hand and it looked as though he was about to touch
Severus. Shocked by the sudden movement, Severus jumped backwards and crashed
into the wall behind him.
"Don't hurt yourself," Remus said softly. Severus stared at the werewolf and
wondered why he appeared to care about him; he never did or said anything when
Sirius and James were bullying him. Again Remus lifted his hand, and again
Severus tried to move away again, but this time there was nowhere to move to;
his back was already pressed against the wall.
Severus flinched as the boy's hand slowly and gently came into contact with his
cheek against his will.
"Exquisite," Remus whispered as he softly caressed Severus' cheek.
Severus couldn't prevent a gasp from escaping his lips. Remus' touch was so
soft and caring... nobody had ever touched him that way; not even Lilly.
Scared, Severus looked over to the end of the shelves to see if Sirius and
James were hiding there, but it appeared they were completely alone.
Then suddenly Remus moved forward until their lips touched; Severus was stiff
from the shock and couldn't do anything but stare at Remus, who had his eyes
closed in what looked like a blissful slumber.
When the kiss ended, Severus was still staring at Remus, who was now staring at
Severus hungrily. For the second time, Remus leaned forward to kiss Severus,
but this time Severus reacted before their lips touched. Brutally he pushed
Remus backwards, rather surprised that he'd managed to move the boy since only
a minute ago Remus wasn't affected by Severus' force.
They stared at each other for a long time before Remus finally moved. He took a
step backwards and smiled, and Severus suddenly felt unadulterated rage passing
through him as he stared at Remus. Did Lupin really think he could do whatever
he wanted?
"If you touch me again, you... you mutt, I'll kill you." This time, Severus
didn't try to hide the nervousness in his voice - he knew Remus wasn't stupid
and could see through him. Remus looked at Severus, and for a second Severus
thought he saw something akin to pain in Remus' eyes, but that quickly faded
into something Severus had just witnessed a few minutes prior: hunger. That was
when Severus feared Remus might want to turn him. "If you bite me I'll kill
you," he said shakily.
"Do you really think I want to bite you?" Remus said in a tone that made
Severus believe Remus found him disgusting, which confused Severus because he
was the one trying to kiss Severus. "I wouldn't wish this curse upon anyone,
especially not you."
"Why not?" Severus asked before he could stop himself. "You and your friends
always look for new ways to make my life as miserable as possible. Poisoning me
with lycanthropy sounds like something you would do."
"I'm not like them, Snape."
"You're just like them!" Severus shouted, surprised at his own reaction.
Calming his voice down he continued. "The fact that you did nothing to stop
them makes you just like them."
Remus sighed and ran a hand through his shaggy hair. For several seconds the
two boys stood in absolute silence, until Remus seemed to snap out of his
thoughts. "You're right; I'm just as bad, if not worse than them." And suddenly
Severus felt awful about what he'd just accused Remus of, especially since he'd
just discovered the curse Remus had managed to keep a secret.
"I'm sorry," Severus managed to croak out before he tried to walk around the
werewolf to gather his books. Before he had a chance to pick up more than two
books, however, Remus' hands stopped him. Severus didn't have a chance to
scream or say anything as Remus twirled him around until they were facing each
other. For a few seconds Severus' heart stopped, and then his whole body
suddenly exploded like a volcano when Remus pushed his mouth against his. Both
the books he had managed to grab fell to the floor as Severus grabbed Remus'
collar for support. As soon as Severus made some contact with Remus, the
werewolf pushed his tongue into Severus' mouth, softly massaging his tongue.
Severus' body suddenly felt heavy, and he felt himself being lowered down to
the cold stone floor. He was still light headed from the kiss and didn't
realize what was happening until he felt a heavy body press down over his own
scrawny frame. A hand was crawling up beneath Severus' shirt and caressing his
sallow, pale skin, and when Remus started to kiss Severus down his neck Severus
couldn't help moaning. It was only when that sound escaped him that Remus
stopped.
"Oh, Severus..." Hearing his name on the werewolf's tongue shocked Severus, and
he wasn't sure if he liked it or hated it. Remus was, after all, the friend of
Sirius Black and James Potter, the two boys that had bullied him since the day
he'd first arrived at Hogwarts. Remus rarely did anything to him, but then
again, he never really tried to stop his friends. While Severus knew he himself
wasn't entirely innocent during the years of animosity between himself and the
Marauders, he knew wasn't the one who started the whole feud.
Suddenly Severus felt extremely dirty where he lay beneath the werewolf, and it
wasn't because he was on the floor. Severus looked up at Remus and saw the same
hunger in his eyes as before, but now he knew it wasn't because the boy wanted
to turn him. Desperately he tried to push Remus off him again, and this time
Remus barely moved.
"Get off me," Severus managed to growl out before he lost his voice. Remus
stared at Severus for a few more seconds before he finally obliged and moved
off of him. As quickly as he could, Severus stood up, ignoring Remus' hand that
offered his help. Hastily Severus gathered his books and stood up. He was just
about to leave the werewolf when he was stopped by a strong arm around his
skinny wrist, but this time Severus refused to let Remus be the one in control.
"Release me."
"Severus, please," Remus begged. Severus turned around and stared at Remus,
happy that he didn't have that hungry look from before.
"No, you humiliated me, molested me and you'll probably go and tell your
friends about what you did," Severus spat.
"Please listen to me, I won't tell anyone about this," Remus implored. Severus
desperately tried to twist his wrist out of the werewolf's grip but the other
boy was far too strong for him. "This will stay between us. I promise."
Severus stared at Remus, unsure of what to say. For a second he thought the
werewolf really wouldn't tell anyone, but then he remembered who his friends
were and doubted he would keep anything from them.
"Release me," he said one last time. They continued to stare at each other
before Remus finally relaxed his grip on Severus' wrist.
Even after he was released Severus continued to stare at Remus, until the
werewolf smiled warmly at him. Almost like Remus' smile snapped him back to
reality Severus ran from the library, never looking back. He felt horrible; his
body was sweating and his heart hurt, and he found he was desperately fighting
the urge to turn around and run into the arms of the werewolf again.
When he reached his dormitory Severus closed his eyes and started to breathe
deeply, hoping the pain around his heart would vanish. How could I have been
such a fool? Allowing that werewolf to touch me that way, to kiss me, and to
say my name like that... Severus felt disgusted with himself. How could I've
allowed myself to have been humiliated that way? When his body relaxed again he
went to take a cold shower; ,mentally he might have hated what Remus did to
him, but his traitorous body loved it.
-o-
Severus saw Remus a few times after the incident in the library, but Remus
didn't dare to do anything when his friends were near. At least James seemed to
act nicer towards Severus; of course, it might be because he had saved Severus
from certain death, but it also might be because he didn't want Severus to tell
anyone about his friend's secret. Sirius was, naturally, different; he couldn't
care less if Severus was killed by a werewolf.
The next time he and Remus met alone was in the middle of the night. Severus
had just left the library and was carrying a pile of six heavy books when the
werewolf appeared out from behind a statue. Normally Severus would have been on
guard and would manage to have kept some control, but he'd thought the short
trip from the library to the dungeons was safe enough to let his guard down.
Shocked by the sudden attack he stumbled backwards and dropped his books. It
wasn't until he was sitting on the floor that he realized it was only Remus.
Again Severus looked around to see if Sirius would jump out any minute and
laugh at him, but nobody else was there and nobody was laughing. Instead Remus
ran over to him and tried to help him up, to Severus' annoyance.
"Don't touch me!" he barked at the werewolf, annoyed that he had just attacked
him like that.
"Stop being so proud, Severus," Lupin said through a silly grin.
"And don't call me that."
"Why not? It is your name."
"My name is reserved for friends only, and last time I checked we are most
certainly not friends." Severus stood up and stared at Remus, annoyed that the
werewolf would not leave him alone.
"What must I do to change that?" Remus asked curiously; clearly he didn't like
what Severus just told him.
"You could leave me alone," Severus quipped. He knew that Remus wouldn't just
leave, but that didn't stop him from trying.
"And never do this?" Remus said while pulling Severus into his embrace and
kissing his neck. Severus gasped out in shock before he moaned, shocking
himself. I hate him, I hate the effect the werewolf has on my body, and I hate
the fact that this werewolf wants me; if he did indeed want him. For all
Severus' paranoid mind knew, it could all be a trap to lure him into deeper
humiliation.
Severus pushed at Remus but the teenagers hands would not loosen around his
waist. Desperately he tried again, this time pleading Remus to release him.
"I want you, Severus," Remus moaned out between his kisses. Severus couldn't
help blushing; nobody had ever told him they wanted him, not even his parents.
While he knew his mother loved him, in her own way, she never told him that.
Suddenly he felt himself being picked up like he weighed nothing at all and was
carried into the closest classroom. Severus would have fought Remus but he was
almost hypnotized by the kisses Remus planted on his neck and jaw line. When
they entered the classroom Remus placed Severus on the closest desk.
Again Severus felt a hand crawl beneath his shirt, and this time the hand
travelled high enough till it reached a sensitive nipple. When the fingers
slowly caressed the nipple Severus almost screamed out in ecstasy. Remus took
that as a good sign and continued to massage his nipple until he found
something more interesting to play with. Severus already thought he would die
from the soft caressing of his nipples, so when Remus managed to get his hand
beneath the elastic band of his underwear Severus thought he had died and gone
to heaven.
"No." Severus suddenly heard; he thought the voice belonged to Remus at first
so he was surprised when he realized it was he who had said it.
"Are you sure?" Remus asked him while slowly running his fingers through
Severus' dark pubic hairs.
"I... I don't know." And that was true; Severus had no idea what he wanted. He
did of course want Remus to continue, but he had no idea what the boy wanted
from him, and he didn't want to agree only because he hadn't felt someone touch
him like that.
"Would you know if I continued doing this?" Suddenly Remus pushed his hand down
Severus' pants and started to play with his cock. Severus cried out in pleasure
and let himself fall down on the desk. While Remus' hand was giving Severus
something he had never felt before his tongue was caressing every piece of
flesh around Severus' neck.
Suddenly Severus' moans became louder and he grabbed Remus' arm, and with a
scream he came in Remus' hand and his own pants. While Severus tried to catch
his breath Remus continued to kiss the sensitive skin beneath his ear.
"Next time, Severus, I would love to make love to you." Hearing Remus say that
sent electricity through his body until his cock started to twitch. Severus
thought he wouldn't be able to move a muscle after what he had just been
through, so when he managed to stand up he was just as shocked as Remus. But
his triumph was short lived when his knees suddenly gave in and he fell down to
the floor.
Remus moved quickly and helped Severus up before he could protest, not that he
thought he was able to fight the werewolf in the condition he was in. When they
were standing up Severus found himself leaning on Remus with his arms around
his neck. Silently he curse himself for being so weak around the werewolf, but
at least now he knew Remus would try something like this a second time, and
that time he would prepare himself.
"Release me," Severus demanded tiredly.
"You're the one who is holding me, Severus," Remus said through a chuckle.
Severus didn't need to open his eyes to know that Remus wasn't lying; he could
feel the strong muscles beneath his hands. Severus continued to stay like that
for another minute before he finally released Remus and stood up by himself.
When their eyes met again Severus blushed; quickly he turned around and was
about to leave when once again Remus stopped him by grabbing his arm.
Without a fight Severus stopped, but he didn't turn around to face Remus, and
Remus didn't do anything to force Severus. The silence between them seemed to
say a lot; Remus understood that Severus didn't completely hate him, and
Severus knew that Remus wasn't trying to hurt him. Softly Remus caressed
Severus' arm with his thumb; even if he wanted to keep the Slytherin with him
Remus released him and they parted.
-o-
After the incident in the Transfiguration class, Severus was constantly on
guard for an attack from the werewolf. But after two weeks where Remus didn't
do anything, Severus realised he could walk around with his ears perked up all
the time, so he gradually started to lessen his guard. Then, one random day, he
was ambushed by someone in the hallway; he didn't need to see his attacker in
order to know who it was - the strength in the hands that were clasped over his
mouth and around his waist were enough information for him to know that it was
Remus.
"Release me you dirty wolf!" Severus shouted when Remus finally removed his
hand from Severus' mouth. The werewolf had dragged him into an unknown room,
and, feeling rather nervous as well as angry, Severus jerked away from Remus'
grip and searched for an exit. However, everywhere where he turned he couldn't
see the door. "What have you done with the door?"
Remus looked quite pleased with himself, something Severus found incredibly
annoying. Quickly he found his wand and pointed it towards the werewolf,
knowing all too well what Remus wanted to do to him.
"You said you didn't want to hurt me, yes?" Severus asked rhetorically. "Then
let me leave this room unharmed."
"I did say I wouldn't hurt you, and I stick by what I said; I won't hurt you."
"You said that next time you would…" Suddenly his voice got caught in his
throat and he found it difficult to breathe, let alone form a coherent
sentence.
"I said that I would make love to you, I know," Remus finished. "But if you
think that making love is painful then you misunderstand the whole act."
"That doesn't matter; I don't want to do anything with you," Severus said
awkwardly.
Remus smiled softly while he slowly walked towards Severus, ignoring the wand
that was still shakily pointing at him. Severus watched Remus with interest,
knowing that he could blast the werewolf into the wall if he chose to, but the
curses never appeared on his tongue.
"Are you sure, Severus?" And with a quick movement Remus pressed Severus' wand
arm into the wall while kissing him down his neck. Severus knew he'd lost back
when Remus had started to walk towards him with that look in his eyes, but he
firmly and mentally told himself that he would stand his ground against the
boy.
But before Severus could start standing up for himself, he realised with a
start that he'd dropped his wand and heard it rattle against the cold stone
floor, and while a small part of him wanted to pick it up again, that part was
lost when Remus started to nibble on his neck. Remus suddenly pulled Severus
with him into the middle of the room, or so Severus guessed since his eyes were
still closed. Then before Severus could comprehend, Remus was slowly laying him
down, and to Severus' shock he felt something soft beneath his back.
That was when he woke up from his trance and realized how far they really had
gone. He stared at Remus who seemed to be unaffected by the fact that a bed had
magically appeared in the room, but Severus knew the werewolf was excellent at
transfiguration so it shouldn't really shock him.
"No, get off," Severus barked at Remus, his logical mind overpowering his lust,
but he only received a sweet and caring smile back. "Let go of me, I don't want
this!" Severus continued when Remus didn't release him.
"Why?"
"Because this is wrong; you're friends with the two people who have made my
school life hell." Remus suddenly released Severus, but he didn't remove his
weight from him so Severus was still being somewhat held down. He elaborated.
"Because you're a bloody wolf and because you almost killed me the other day."
Severus wasn't stupid and knew that Remus couldn't really help the animal
instincts that took over his body once he was turned, but that didn't mean he
should just accept it. "And because you are basically raping me."
"Several excuses are always less convincing than one," was Remus' reply. Angry
at the werewolf, Severus slapped him. Suddenly he realized just how much of a
woman he actually was; humiliated, he closed his eyes and turned his face away
from Remus. "I care for you Severus," Remus said while kissing Severus' exposed
skin. "I want you in so many ways."
Severus knew he shouldn't let himself be fooled by Remus but he couldn't help
the heat from spreading through his body when he knew he was wanted. He knew he
would regret it someday, but - despite all he had said - right then he just
couldn't care less; he doubted anyone would ever want him the same way Remus
wanted him. Slowly turning his head around he ended up kissing Remus
passionately.
That was the day Severus let himself be led by Remus. It was the first day he
had ever let anyone touch him the way Remus did and it was the first day of
many nights together.
-o-
Severus knew their relationship wouldn't last; they didn't stand a chance
against the endless number of reasons for why a relationship between them
should last. Severus knew everything would end at some point, but the reason
for why they ended was not something he had been expecting; the real reason
hurt deeper than anything Sirius or James could have said or done to him.
They had been seeing each other secretly for two months, always in the same
room, always in the same bed, and always at the same time. Through the day
Severus would completely ignore Remus, not only because they wanted to keep
their relationship a secret but because they didn't want to have mixed feelings
when they got together. Severus always congratulated himself on how well he
managed to keep any emotions away during the day; after all, it was just sex
with someone that actually liked his pale body, his big hooked nose and his
constantly greasy hair.
It was late at night after their love making and Remus pulled Severus into a
tight embrace; sometimes they would stay like that for a long time in silence,
other times they would talk, and once in a while they fell asleep only to wake
up in the morning when the sunlight warmed their skin, or when the bright light
of morning would glow against their closed eyelids.
"Severus," Remus said after they just made love. Severus, who was starting to
doze off, was snapped back to reality.
"Yes," he mumbled.
"Tonight is our last night together." Severus' eyes shot open as he realized
what Remus just told him; he knew the end would come, but he thought it
wouldn't be until the end of school.
Suddenly he felt sick; and somewhere deep inside his body he started to hurt.
The hurt was so deep and painful that he thought he would die right there and
then. It just felt like his whole world had shattered beneath him.
He was glad he wasn't facing Remus because at that moment his eyes started to
burn, and before he could control himself, unwanted tears started to pour out
of them. But he refused to wipe them away; he did not want to let Remus know
just how much he really hurt.
He tried his best to stop the tears from escaping his eyes but knew it was a
lost battle; instead he directed his concentration over to his body that was
slowly starting to tremble. He thought he might manage to control his emotions
but when Remus started to stroke his arm he lost it; all the hurt and pain
poured out of him. Remus said something and kissed his neck, but Severus hadn't
bothered to listen to him; not that he could when his head almost exploded from
the pressure of holding back the tears that still escaped him. Severus quickly
closed his eyes as hard as he could; trying to block out Remus' burning touch
on his bare skin.
Quite suddenly, his heart started to hurt more than it already did, and his
hand flew up to his chest where he pressed hard over his heart, hoping it would
calm his breaking heart. But he didn't care if it shattered into millions of
pieces; he had nothing left to live for. When he lost Lily to James only a
month ago the only happy thought was that at least he had Remus. Without Remus
he had nothing left to live for; he'd already been left by all the people he'd
ever cared for.
"Leave," he ordered, surprised that he still had a voice. For a few seconds
nothing happened, but soon enough the warm body of Remus detached itself from
Severus' emotionally broken one.
Severus tried his best to ignore Remus so that the breakup would be as painless
as possible, but either Remus had no idea how to avoid more heartbreaks or he
wanted Severus to hurt.
"I left you this pendant; I hope you will never forget how wonderful our time
has been together." Remus stared at Severus for a few seconds, waiting for some
kind of response. "Please, Severus, say something," the werewolf begged.
"My world is at it's end," Severus managed to say after he took a deep breath.
"Somehow I thought it'd be easier than this." Remus stared at Severus who still
refused to look up at him, and after a long silence he finally left the room.
When Remus was gone Severus closed his eyes and let all the sadness he held
back gush out of him. As the tears escaped his sore eyes he felt his body grow
weak, and in the end he fell into a deep dreamless sleep.
-o-
When Severus woke up the next morning it felt like the whole world had crashed;
his heart still hurt and he wanted to die. But even with the pain eating at him
he felt calm in a way that he couldn't quite explain... It was almost like his
emotions were gone and had left him as empty as a shell.
Knowing that he couldn't spend the whole day in bed he slowly got dressed, but
while he sat stiffly on the edge of the bed he remembered the gift Remus left
him. Quickly he turned around and stared at the opposite side of the bed.
There, against the white bed sheets, lay a golden pendant. At first he wanted
to crawl across the bed to take a closer look, but quickly decided to ignore it
until it was time to leave the room; even if he was alone he didn't want to
seem too eager.
When he was done dressing he continued to stay calm, and slowly he made his way
around the bed to retrieve the pendant. But when he was standing in front of
it, his heart once again started to hurt and he felt extremely sick. Nervously
he ran his fingers through his lank, greasy hair, only to be painfully reminded
how Remus didn't mind his hair. After what seemed like forever he finally
picked it up, staring at it nervously as he waited for it to burst into flames
or kill him, but it was an ordinary pendant with no magical powers.
While it didn't seem to have any hidden magical powers it contained something
that hurt Severus just as much; it contained memories. Sweet memories of their
time together, memories of their fights and conversations, memories of their
love making, memories of how Remus would run his hand over Severus's back when
they rested afterwards.
Suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his palm, and when he looked down he noticed
that he had been holding the pendant so hard that the sharp edges had left
indents in his skin.
Severus stared at the pendant with an intense glare, realizing only then that
the decoration on the front was a werewolf. Suddenly he felt a pain so deep
that he thought his soul had shattered; the pendant would never let him forget
Remus.
It wasn't until later that day he realized just why Remus broke it off with
him, and again he felt the horrible pain drive through his already broken body.
He watched intensely as Remus threw himself into the embrace of Sirius. Tears
poured down his face as he watched them kiss, and when he saw Remus laugh at
something Sirius said his whole world shattered.
The Slytherin suddenly felt his whole world spin around him and before he knew
it his knees had buckled and he was on the floor, tears forcing their way out
of his eyes as he realized just what had happened. The pain was unbearable.
Suddenly Severus felt the need to get away from everything, from everybody, and
especially from Remus; he needed to get as far away as possible.
He ran for a long time through the school, and when he finally stopped he
realized he had reached the owlery. He looked over the banister and realized
just how far up he actually was. He turned his head up to the sky and closed
his eyes and before he really knew what was happening he'd climbed over the
banister, his eyes still closed.
He was broken, his world had shattered, and the one simple thing he had wanted
had left him, killed him. Jumping would be the only way to release him from
such pain, it was the only way. He only needed to let go of the banister, let
go of it the same way Remus had carelessly released him. He breathed hard,
feeling the sharp corners of the pendant dig into his chest. He thought that
maybe it would be easier to carry the pendant like that, close to his skin, but
it only seemed to make things more difficult for him as it was a constant
reminder of Remus.
The weight of the pendant seemed to pull him away from the banister, and closer
to peace. In the end only two fingers were holding him to the world he once
thought he knew; the world that had never been kind to him.
He really did want to let go and feel the air caress his body until he hit the
ground, but he could never bring himself to release the banister; he wasn't as
weak as that. Quickly he jumped back and headed down to his room. At least the
short death wish had cleared his mind; he knew then that he didn't want to let
Remus win like that. Severus was strong, it was time to take his life in his
own hands, and he would make sure nobody would ever get close enough to break
him like that; ever again.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The years passed and Severus' determination of never being hurt came true;
sixteen years he had managed to stay strong and single. But those sixteen years
felt like minutes when he saw him again.
All of the pain rushed back and he cursed his senses when he saw the scared man
who was slowly making his way over to Severus, smiling modestly while holding
out his hand to greet him. Severus suddenly found it difficult to breathe as he
was reminded of the nights they'd spent together as teenagers. Automatically
his thoughts also travelled to the pendant that was resting safely on his chest
as a reminder to never let anyone in. He knew it was foolish of him to have
kept the pendant all those years; but he needed to remind himself that
everything and everybody he cared for would leave him in the end.
Severus never thought it would be painful to see the other man again. He really
did believe that time would have healed all of his old wounds. Snorting at
Remus' attempt to greet him, he ignored the handshake and greeting, and made a
resolution to expose Remus Lupin as the creature he really was, even if Albus
had forbade him.
To Severus' annoyance, that wasn't the only day Remus tried to heal the history
between them. The morning after the first full moon, Remus tried to thank
Severus for the wolfsbane personally, but Severus saw him coming and left
quickly. Slowly the days turned into weeks and Remus still hadn't had the
opportunity to talk with Severus in private.
But in the end Remus did manage to ambush him; the werewolf grabbed Severus and
pushed him into the cold castle wall. Severus knew then that there was no way
out of Remus' strong grip, and suddenly Severus felt like the seventeen year
old boy again, held against his will by someone who was stronger than him.
"I'm not letting you get away this time, dear Severus," Remus murmured. Severus
hoped with all his heart that Remus was just trying to make fun of him, that he
was mocking him, because it would be worse if he had to get over a second
heartbreak.
"Release me," Severus growled.
"It feels like I have been through this before, do you remember what happened
last time?" Severus found it difficult to talk or think. He knew he should try
to escape Remus' grip but he couldn't help but want to give into Remus' warm
touch again.
"I can't do this, Remus, please release me." Severus cursed at himself for
being so weak. Anyone who knew them would be shocked at Remus' determination
and Severus' weakness; but since nobody did see them, Remus continued. And this
time he didn't waste any time. Brutally he smashed his lips against Severus',
and when Severus finally melted in his touch Remus pulled him into a vacant
classroom and transfigurated one of the desks into a bed. Severus didn't have
time to be amazed at Remus' power before the werewolf pulled him down on the
bed into a hot make out session.
Slowly, clothes began to disappear as the kissing proceeded. Severus still
didn't feel great about his body but he wasn't as ashamed of it now as he was
when he was younger, so he didn't try to hide his naked skin. Then suddenly
Remus saw the pendant that was resting around Severus' neck. Without hesitation
he picked it up and stared at it, unsure what to say at first. But then he
kissed it before he gave Severus a soft kiss as well.
Remus continued to undress both of them until they were both completely naked,
and slowly he kissed his way down to Severus' cock. With his mouth and tongue
he made Severus want to die from pleasure, always bringing him close enough to
the edge but never allowing him to come. If Severus didn't know Remus he might
have thought the man was trying to torture him.
Soon after that Remus started to prepare Severus for something the man hadn't
felt in a long time, and before he knew it Remus crawled on top of Severus and
pushed inside of him. Severus let out a pain-filled moan as Remus moved, it was
painful but he knew the pleasure would come soon.
And then the painful gasps turned into pleasure moans until Severus dug his
fingers in Remus' back and came.
When he was done he fell down on the bed exhausted, Remus quickly lay down next
to him and held him tightly in his embrace just like he did when they were
young.
"You kept the pendant," Remus whispered into Severus's ear. Severus closed his
eyes tightly and tried to ignore the pain rushing through his body; if Remus
only knew why he had kept it he wouldn't have felt so honoured. Deciding that
the werewolf didn't need to know the true reason he answered with a simple yes.
All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams, Severus repeated in
his mind. He was awake but he knew well enough it was all just a dream, and one
day he would wake up completely and Remus would be gone. He lay like that for a
long time, trying to decide if he wanted to wake up or not; he knew it would
all end one day but he would always want Remus.
-o-
The months passed and Severus found it more and more difficult to want to wake
up. He wanted to continue living in his dream with Remus until he died. But as
much as he wanted to stay with Remus he didn't stop trying to sabotage him and
expose his secret; Severus still wanted him gone. Maybe then he would come to
his senses and see their relationship for what it really was; nothing but an
illusion.
When they weren't together Severus tried to act as normal as possible.
Sometimes he found it easy but other times he thought he would die from the
lack of touch from the werewolf; and that made him sick to his bones. That was
why when he finally woke up from the wonderful dream it stung even more than he
could have thought at first.
Severus waited in his office for Remus to pick up the potion before his
transformation, but the man never showed. Nervous over the fact that the full
moon was creeping up fast he took the potion and went up to Remus' office, only
to find it vacant. He was about to leave the office to search for Remus when he
noticed a piece of parchment on Remus' desk. He made his way over and realized
it was some kind of magical map.
He saw a pair of footprints with the name Remus Lupin attached to them quickly
head over to the Whomping Willow before they disappeared. Severus wasn't a fool
and knew exactly where the werewolf had vanished. Quickly he ran towards the
tree where his life was at stake once before, hoping that he could reach Remus
before it was too late.
Once he was standing outside the old tree he noticed a cloak on the ground. He
instantly realized what it was and picked it up before making his way into the
willow; the invisibility cloak would undoubtedly come in handy. As he reached
the shrieking shack he heard voices and he instantly knew Remus wasn't alone.
Hiding beneath the cloak with his wand drawn he quietly made his way into the
shack. When he saw how many were actually in the room, and who those people
were, he was shocked: inside the Shrieking Shack stood Remus Lupin, Harry
Potter, Ronald Weasley, Hermione Granger and - he bit back his snarl of angry -
Sirius Black. Not wanting to expose himself just yet he continued to stay quiet
and hidden.
Silently he listened to Remus' story about their past, feeling angry at Remus
for portraying him like a weak teenager. But Severus continued to stay hidden
until he just couldn't take it anymore. When Harry asked if the reason for why
he hated Remus was because he discovered he was a werewolf he decided to break
the silence.
"That's right," Severus snarled while removing the cloak, pointing his wand at
Remus, who was just as shocked to see him as the rest of them. For a second he
wanted to hex Remus, but then he remembered Sirius and how satisfying it would
be to be the one that that sent him back to Azkaban.
Slowly he thanked Harry for the cape and told them about the map he found
before Remus interrupted him. Severus refused to let that man take control so
he quickly continued, ignoring the fear in the students' eyes. Annoyingly Remus
still managed to interrupt him, telling him that Sirius wasn't after Potter,
not that Severus was interested in listening to him. In the end Severus did a
thing he had wanted to do in a long time; he tied Remus up.
Sirius of course couldn't take it and tried to attack Severus, but Severus was
too fast and managed to point his wand right between Sirius' eyes, daring
Sirius to give him a reason to kill him.
Severus thought he finally had Sirius. All it would take was for the man to
lose control for only one second and he would have his revenge; but then
suddenly Granger interrupted them. Annoyed at the stupid school girl he shouted
at her while preparing a hex for the man who had made sure his school days were
nothing but a nightmare.
After his fit of anger, Black shocked him by suggesting they all head back to
the school, but Severus refused. He wanted the man gone from the face of the
earth. When he finally told Sirius about his plan to hand him over to the
Dementors he couldn't help but smile at the pale face before him. Quickly he
ordered Sirius to walk while he was pulling the magically tied up Remus. But of
course things never go as planned when the great Harry Potter is in the room.
As a sign of his foolish Gryffindor bravery he ran and blocked the door, and to
make things even more difficult for him Harry refused to listen.
When Harry shouted back at him he just couldn't help but snap; suddenly he saw
only red as Harry yelled out how pathetic he thought Severus was and how he
should just let go of his past.
He was just about to walk towards Potter when suddenly he felt a sharp pain in
his chest, and before he knew it everything went dark.
-o-
The next time he woke up he found himself on the ground outside of Hogwarts,
and the only other person around was the youngest Weasley boy; who was still
alive. Severus didn't need to wonder about what happened, the answer was
exceedingly obvious; Harry Potter.
He stared up at the sky and tried to ignore the fear of what could have
happened while he was unconscious when he saw the moon. If he knew the Potter
boy as well as he thought, then he would have run after the Defence Against the
Dark Arts teacher in hope of turning him back. Quickly he made his way towards
the forest, annoyed that he would end up saving the boy once again.
At first Severus thought the boy was lost; the forest was so big and he had no
idea how far Potter might have gone. Luckily the doubt vanished when he saw a
bright light coming from the depth of the woods. As he made his way towards the
light he noticed the Dementors. Severus started to panic as he thought the
Dementors might come after him, but he hadn't even started to call on his
patronus when he realized they were fleeing from the location. Severus knew
then what the light was and quickly made his way towards the source. But when
he finally reached the location the light was gone and three humans were laying
unconscious on the ground. Quickly he looked around to see if Remus was around,
but he was nowhere to be heard or seen. Cursing over Harry's stupid behaviour
Severus found his wand and started to prepare Harry, Hermione and Sirius for
their trip back to Hogwarts.
When the night was finally coming to an end he thought he would see Remus
again, but he had to wait longer than that before he could tell the scarred
face exactly what he was feeling. When he finally had the chance to see Remus
it was late at night when the sun was starting to set, sending a warm glow over
the castle. Severus quickly walked over to Remus' office and knocked; while he
waited he searched his pocket for the pendant he once used to remind himself of
the pain he would be in if he ever entered another relationship. He should have
fought harder, but he'd foolishly let Remus into his heart a second time. What
a fool he had been; not only had his heart been broken once before but the same
man had broken it years later.
The door flung open and the men stared at each other. Severus could see that
Remus hadn't had an easy night, not that he cared about his health in a time
like that.
"Come in," Remus said with a soft smile on his lips. Severus found it annoying
that the man seemed to ignore Severus' bad mood. "Severus," the werewolf
started, only to be interrupted by Severus.
"I don't want to hear it. You obviously found a reason to be with Black, just
like last time; I should have known that I never stood a chance." Severus was
too far gone in his thoughts to realize how much of himself he had actually
exposed at that moment. If there was something he didn't want the other man to
know, it was how much he actually hurt. "I was against your position here at
the school from the beginning, I guess I should have fought harder, maybe then
we would all have been spared this pain."
Severus avoided Remus' eyes at all costs while he talked; he knew that if he
looked at him he would feel like the seventeen year old boy again; lonely and
lost. Then Remus would have that magic touch that would make all the bad things
go away; until the dream ended of course.
"I..." he started, only to find it difficult to speak. "This has gone too far,
I should have fought harder." His words was lost a second time as he remembered
the last night Remus held him and passionately kissed his neck. His heart
suddenly started to hurt again just like when he was young, and just like the
last time he wanted nothing more than just to die.
He crushed the pendant in his fist so hard that he thought it would break, but
he knew by previous experience that human force alone wouldn't destroy the
adornment. He lifted the pendant and stared at the wolf on the front which
surrounded by tiny, intricate leafs. He had lost count of how many nights he
had spent staring at it, wishing that it wasn't a goodbye gift, hoping that if
he wished hard enough it would bring Remus back. As he stood before Remus he
realized it was all a foolish dream; Remus had never belonged to him.
Slowly he laid the pendant on the table next to him, and almost just as slowly
he found his wand and pointed it at the pendant, and with a silent spell he
destroyed it.
The only thing that was left was a slightly darker circle where the pendant
used to lay.
Severus continued to stare at the empty spot for another few seconds before
finally looking up at Remus. When his black eyes met the hazel browns of Remus
he wanted to look down in shame, afraid that the man would be angry because he
destroyed the gift. But he managed to stay strong.
Quickly Severus turned around and was about to leave the werewolf's office when
Remus started to apologize.
"Oh, Severus, I'm really…" Again he didn't have the chance to finish, for
Severus interrupted him for the last time.
"Goodbye Remus."
Chapter End Notes
     Before I forget, the lines from the Shrieking shack comes from the
     canon book. It’s not meant to plagiarise, but it worked so well with
     my story that I decided to keep them (they belong to J.K.R. and are
     used without her consent, I’m sorry, but no money made whatsoever, so
     there is no need to flag me or anything like that)
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
     This chapter was written two years after the first two parts, and
     like them, it does not have a happy ending.
     This was written for round 7 of daisychain_drab.
Severus knew he would have to face Remus again, but he hoped it wouldn’t be so
soon after he left Remus’ office. Not even a month passed before Albus
requested of him to join a secret meeting. Severus tried to decline, but the
old man would not allow him to hide.
As he entered Grimmauld Place 12 he realised his hands were sweaty and his
heart beat faster than normal. He wanted to turn around and leave before anyone
saw him, but he was not able to move a muscle. Clenching his fist he looked
around the house, glad to see that it had none of the glory he had been told
about so many times before.
A door opened somewhere on the second floor and Severus heard someone walking
his way. He stared at the stair, wondering who the stranger might be. He would
soon get his answer when a familiar man walked down the stairs.
“Snape,” the older Black heir said with a glare.
“Black,” Severus answered. Severus did not like to be in the company of the man
that had ruined his life in more ways than he could remember, but there was
nothing he could do about it at that moment.
“Come to get your ass beat again by a thirteen year old again?” Severus chose
not to answer and walked past him into the kitchen, only to regret his decision
when he met Remus. The werewolf looked as shocked as he felt, but he at least
did not have to feel sad since Sirius soon joined them.
“Look here Remus, old snivelly wants to join our side, isn’t that heroic of
him?” Sirius said in a sarcastic tone. Angry Severus looked at his own feet.
“Can’t you just let him be Sirius?” the werewolf said. Severus did not want the
man that broke his heart twice to fight the battles for him, so he lifted his
head and gave Sirius the darkest stare he could manage.
“You don’t need to speak for me Lupin, it’s not like I can’t defend myself.” He
did not look at Remus as he spoke; he dared not when his heart was still
fragile. “It doesn’t surprise me Black still holds a grudge against me, I
completely understand how he loathes me since I, a man with a mark on my arm,
have been free for a decade while he was locked up.”
“Watch your tongue in my house Snape.” Severus knew Sirius most likely did not
like that Severus was in his house, but there was nothing he could do about it.
“I can of course see why Dumbledore thinks we can use you, not everyone is
willing to sell their soul to a madman. Tell me, what’s the price for a
pathetic soul like yours?” Severus did not want to cause any trouble, but he
could not help himself and pulled out his wand.
“Men!” Remus called out while moving between them. “This is not the time to
fight, not when the world’s safety is at stake, as well as Harry’s.” Severus
has learned not to care about the first, and he never did care about the
second, which made hexing Sirius that much easier.
“Yes Remus, you’re right, I’m doing this for Harry. But who are you fighting
for Snape; your cauldron?” He could have chosen to ignore Sirius, but he did
not wish to let him think he had won. With his free hand he pushed Remus out of
his way and sent a simple, yet powerful, spell against Sirius and sent him
crashing into the wall.
“Severus!” Remus shouted as he ran over to Sirius, who seemed to be
unconscious. “Why do you allow yourself to be taunted by his childish games? I
thought you had grown up.”
“Black has been a menace since we first met, I’ve always been able to ignore
his behaviour.” Severus felt his pulse quicken and had to stop talking.
“Then why didn’t you control yourself now?” The ignorance in Remus’ voice hurt
Severus in more ways than he thought possible.
“I was a boy Remus, which you used and disposed as you saw fit. You left me
then for this muck, and betrayed me again just a month ago. Do you know just
how much pain you have brought upon me? Do you know just how much you broke the
first time?” He could see that Remus was not prepared for that question.
Remus did however answer him. “I was just a boy back then, I made a mistake. If
I could go back and change it I would.” Severus did not believe him.
“Did you change your mind before or after Black was sentenced?” He felt tears
run down his face. “Admit it; you just used me because I was weak. I knew it
could probably never last, but I did not think you would simply destroy a boy
because of a better offer, a boy who had gone through his life broken.” Severus
did not like to complain about his life, but he could not pretend like it was a
dance on roses.
“I knew I made a mistake before the death of James and Lilly, I knew it as soon
as school was over, but I feared you would not speak to me after what
happened.”
“Is this what you tell yourself to feel better? I do not think you know just
how much I loved you, how much I’ve suffered. You might think I’ve grown and
forgotten, that my scars have healed, but they have not, I’m still bleeding.”
“Severus, what happened in the shack was not what it looked like, I did not go
back to him a second time.”
“Save it Lupin, I’m not in the mood to discuss your choices. Tell Albus I went
home for a well deserved holiday, and will return a week before school starts.
If I’m lucky I’ll have a month left which I can spend without an interruption.”
Severus turned around and walked out the kitchen door. He didn’t get very far
when he felt a soft hand on his shoulder, stopping him from leaving. Severus
knew it was a mistake, that he should walk away from the werewolf before he
lost all control, but he could not force himself to go.
“Severus, please don’t do this, I love you.” Severus closed his eyes, wishing
Remus could have kept that information to himself. “What happened in the shack
was not what it looked like, I was just glad to see an old friend who I
believed was the reason behind so much pain.”
Slowly Severus turned around and stared into Remus’ eyes. He wasn’t a fool and
saw the young wolf was honest.
When Remus smiled Severus’ heart melted all over again, and for a few seconds
he thought maybe they could try again. But then everything was destroyed all
over again when Sirius moaned. Remus quickly turned his head and began walking
towards his old friend.
Quickly Severus spoke before the werewolf could leave. “You did not hear me
when my heart screamed in pain, but you hear him when he makes a pathetic
sound.” Remus turned and was about to say something, but Severus beat him to
it. “When I get home I’ll find a way to wipe every memory I have of us
together, I don’t see the point in going around with this pain anymore, not
when I know for a fact that time does not heal all wounds.”
“Severus, please don’t leave, I want to be with you.” As much as Severus wished
it was true and they could work through their problems he knew it was not a
good idea.
“Bye Remus,” he said, smiling one last time to the man that had been his lover
before leaving the house. Right before he disapparated he heard Remus call his
name, but it was too late.
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