Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1060598.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Bertholdt_Hoover/Reiner_Braun, Levi/Eren_Yeager
  Character:
      Annie_Leonhart, Eren_Yeager, Levi_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Bertholdt_Hoover,
      Reiner_Braun, Hange_Zoë, Erwin_Smith, Jean_Kirstein, Mikasa_Ackerman,
      Armin_Arlert, Connie_Springer, Sasha_Blaus, Krista_Lenz_|_Historia_Reiss,
      Ymir
  Additional Tags:
      Alpha/Beta/Omega_Dynamics, Mating_Cycles/In_Heat, Unethical
      Experimentation, Pregnancy, Forced_Pregnancy, Spoilers, Angry_Eren_Yeager
  Series:
      Part 2 of We_Still_Survive
  Stats:
      Published: 2013-11-27 Updated: 2014-03-21 Chapters: 6/? Words: 17703
****** We Dreamed of a New Life ******
by tokiNOOO_(tokino)
Summary
     “Do you know how much trouble we could get into if we’re caught?”
     “Can’t be any worse than the trouble I’m already in.”
Notes
     To any new readers who might stumble upon this: since this is a
     sequel/continuation to Forgotten is the Life We Led, I doubt this
     will make much sense unless you read that first.
***** Chapter 1 *****
Life in the mountain village was difficult. Everyone eked out a living by
sharing provisions, labor, and hardships. They were ruled by the elders, a
small council comprised of the oldest, wisest shifters who had been alive for
almost a century and—it was rumored—had been the first children sent to
investigate the walls, when they were first discovered by human settlers. Other
rumors said they were a group of those human settlers who had defected and
decided to live out life in titan-infested land, learning to tame the power of
transformation and have it at their command.
There wasn’t any reliable way to know what was true and what wasn’t, so Annie
didn’t put stock in any of it. She only believed what she could confirm for
herself: that working in the fields, no matter how hard they did so, just
didn’t produce crops some years; that there wasn’t any denying she was the
oldest of three children and therefore had the unpleasant responsibility to be
the most mature despite being just eleven years old; and that she was a beta,
the middle class of their small society that was, in essence, the most boring,
plain, and unneeded of them all.
Annie supposed it was only natural. She wasn’t friends with anyone in
particular, even though their village was close-knit and probably inbred at
some point or another, and she didn’t really want to be. Her mother fretted it
about it now and then, when her hands weren’t full with the twins. In contrast
her father would sit outside with her on clear nights and tell her she was fine
the way she was.
She didn’t know all of the details about why she was chosen to infiltrate the
walls, only that the previously selected beta had been killed during a practice
trip down the mountain and a new one was needed. Her father wouldn’t tell her
anything beyond that, other than that she couldn’t trust anyone. So she didn’t.
There was a small crowd at the entrance to the village when she and her father
arrived, consisting of the elders and two small figures who would be her
companions. The shorter, stockier boy was blond and still smelled like a child,
though he did look like the kind who would eventually present as an alpha. The
other boy was taller and thinner and had the unmistakable scent of an omega. It
made Annie’s lip curl. It was like the scent of an animal caught in a trap,
waiting to be put out of its misery and consumed.
“Reiner,” one of the elders said, touching the blond boy’s shoulder,
“Bertholdt. This is Annie.”
“I know,” Reiner said, giving Annie a broad, open smile that wasn’t returned.
“We've spoken before.”
“We must be brief,” another elder said, taking Annie by the hand. She was so
old that her skin was wrinkly and paper-thin, blotched with bruises. “You will
accompany Reiner and Bertholdt to the walls.”
“I know,” she said. “Dad explained it to me.”
The elders looked at her father as a group. They turned their interest toward
him, leaving Annie with the boys. She could hear them talking and tuned out
Reiner’s attempts to be conversational.
“Of course we’d ask someone else if we could,” one of the elders was saying,
“but Annie is the only beta of the right age group who has siblings.”
“We understand,” Annie’s father said. He looked at Annie and for a moment she
thought he would take her in his arms and tell her goodbye. Instead he looked
away, as if he were ashamed, and walked back toward their house. The elders
sent them off after securing extra rations into their bags.
They only had two horses, since it would have taken too much of a toll on the
village for them to offer up any more. Reiner and Bertholdt rode together,
leaving Annie to keep watch of their spare pack. Reiner made an effort to ride
side by side with her, which she allowed, if only because it would have been
too bothersome to make him stop.
“They didn’t really fill you in on the plan, did they? Since Berik—” Reiner
stopped, ducking to avoid a branch and warning Bertholdt to do the same. “I can
tell you.”
She shrugged, figuring he’d tell her no matter what she said.
“When we reach the walls, Bertholdt’s supposed to kick the gate down, then
shift back. We have to get inside the district and then I have to kick down the
next gate so the titans can get inside the walls. After that we have to make it
to the inner walls as refugees.”
“What an awful plan,” she said. “We’ll be eaten before we get there, whether
it’s at the gate or inside the district.”
“You probably won’t. All you have to do for now is run for your life.” Reiner
laughed at that, a child’s laugh. He probably had no idea what it felt like to
take a life, not even a rabbit’s or a deer’s. Behind him, Bertholdt listened to
the plan with a fidgety expression. Annie remembered seeing them around the
village as they grew up. These two were always together, along with that Berik
boy she was replacing. She spurred her horse ahead of theirs and rode in
silence. She didn’t belong here.
They rode for a week. Once the mountains were far behind them and they were in
dangerous territory, they dismounted at the edge of the forest. Reiner said the
first thing they were to do when they were on the open plains was to practice
shifting. He assured Annie that he and Bertholdt had had months of training, so
she needed the practice more than they did. Annie pricked her finger with the
intent to prove him wrong. She was distantly aware of rising into the air,
caged by vines of flesh and muscle until her senses were muted and everything
felt too big and sluggish.
As much as she hated to admit it, she wasn’t used to adjusting her movements to
accommodate such a large, unwieldy form, so she practiced, ignoring the
indignant way Reiner yelped when she brought her large thumb down with the
half-hearted intent to squash him.
When they first came into contact with titans, none of them knew what to do
other than ride away as fast as their horses could go. Bertholdt clung tight to
Reiner when one abnormal titan began to catch up, scuttling toward them at an
unusually fast pace. Annie considered their options for a split second before
pulling her horse short and jumping from its saddle. Her transformation spooked
the horse. She lunged for the titan with unskilled grace and grabbed hold of
it, biting out the nape of its neck. She jogged a few meters behind the last
horse for the remainder of the day, warding off the titans they came across and
killing them when necessary.
They continued that right until the white wall came into view on the horizon,
at which point she left her titan and held tight to Bertholdt until it was his
turn to dismount. The titans clawing at the walls began to lumber toward them.
Bertholdt looked back at them helplessly when Reiner spurred the horse away,
giving him enough room to transform. He looked lost and scared, just another
little kid who had no idea what he was doing. His eyes met Reiner’s, who nodded
in encouragement. Bertholdt faced the walls and bit down on his hand.
Bertholdt’s titan took Annie's breath away. She stared up at him, hiding her
face from the steam and feeling her mouth go slack when she took in all sixty
meters of his frightening form. He was slow but incredibly powerful, the
perfect weapon to puncture a hole in the wall’s defenses. She could see why
he’d been chosen for the mission—no one else could have been better suited.
Reiner guided the horse toward the wall and caught Bertholdt clumsily as his
titan dissolved, charging in through the gate, a couple of titans on their
heels. The immediate vicinity within the wall was in total chaos; if anyone
noticed the three outsiders who came in ahead of the titans, they would soon be
eaten.
Their plan went rather smoothly, Annie thought, looking back as she and
Bertholdt were crowded around by the swarm of people eager to get on the boats.
Reiner’s titan was a large, armored thing that wasn’t nearly as impressive as
Bertholdt’s, but it served him well. He managed to shift back and fight his way
toward them just before the boat stopped taking any more people. They were
cramped near the back of the boat, a perfect place to sit and watch their
handiwork unfold.
Annie realized her hands were trembling at some point during the slow ride down
the river. She felt like laughing, or maybe crying. Instead she pulled her coat
hood up and kept her head down. She hadn’t been prepared to take a life,
either.
-
About a month after his heat, Eren lay on his bed in his room, staring up at
the ceiling. Most of his days consisted of nothing but lying around and doing .
. . nothing. He couldn’t stand the thought of reading Levis books for the
twentieth time and he especially couldn’t stand the thought of going downstairs
and sitting around with him like nothing was wrong, which didn't leave him with
many other ways to pass the time. Nowadays he only got up to go to the bathroom
or collect the tray of food that was placed outside his door three times a day,
or sometimes go for a walk around the block, always with one of the outside
guards at his side.
He moved onto his side and happened to glance at the window, startled when he
saw someone staring at him through the glass.
“Hey,” Jean said impatiently, tapping on the glass just hard enough to be
heard, “open up.”
Eren stumbled to the window and unlocked it before sliding the glass up. Jean
poked his head in and looked around the room.
“Where’s Captain Levi?” he whispered.
“Downstairs,” Eren replied, “probably sleeping.”
“Perfect.” Jean withdrew and straightened back up outside. Eren wondered how he
could be perched on the thin sill outside, and then he noticed Jean was wearing
the gear. He held one arm out and waited impatiently for Eren to take hold.
Eren clung to him, feeling nauseous as he used the gear to swing them from the
townhouse down the street, leaving the guards none the wiser. Jean had always
been good at the gear, his boasting well-founded. He carried Eren through the
air all the way to a rooftop near the wall, at which point Eren had to tell him
to stop before he threw up.
Jean sat on his heels and watched as Eren doubled over on all fours and fought
the urge to vomit. “You’re out of practice,” he said.
“Really? I wonder why that is,” Eren said sarcastically, looking up once his
head stopped spinning. He sat cross-legged and waited for Jean to do the same.
“Do you know how much trouble we could get into if we’re caught?”
“Can’t be any worse than the trouble I’m already in,” Jean said, taking off the
bag he had on his back and withdrawing a cloth-wrapped bundle that felt lighter
than air and smelled like food. He relinquished it to Eren without a fight and
watched as Eren untied the cloth, revealing a few small rolls and two short
loaves of bread.
Eren ate ravenously, remembering halfway through the second loaf that Jean had
said something that sounded important. He swallowed and looked Jean over. He
looked rough. His cloak was starting to fray and there were lines on his face
that made him seem older than fifteen—or was he sixteen now? Eren had been
imprisoned for so long that his grasp of time was starting to slip. Then he
noticed one of Jean’s arms was in a sling.
“What happened?” he asked. “Is it serious?”
“It’s just a broken arm,” Jean said, letting Eren fuss over it. “I’m out of
commission until it heals. Can you believe it? I have to spend the next two
months with my parents, so I figured I’d get something out of it.” He indicated
the rolls. “My mom made those.”
“They’re good.”
“I wouldn’t know,” Jean said, watching in mild amusement as Eren ate the last
one. They sat on the roof for a while, Eren feeling a bit better now that he
had a full stomach and some company that didn’t set him on edge. It was only a
matter of time, though. Jean always did have a way of getting him riled up.
Sure enough, after about ten minutes of pleasantness Jean opened his mouth.
“What’s up with you?”
“What?”
“You have Mikasa and Armin worried sick. I’m surprised neither one of them have
gotten hurt yet, they’re so distracted.” Jean lay back on the roof, his good
arm behind his head. “We’ve been given this unbelievable mission to exterminate
the titans within Wall Rose. D’you know how fucking impossible that is? We’re
dropping like flies. It sounds like it would be a dream for you. You’ve always
been a suicidal bastard.”
“Don’t,” Eren said. “Just . . . don’t.”
Jean sat up. He was looking at Eren, but Eren kept his head turned away, not
sure he wanted to see what was there.
“I was kind of kidding,” Jean said after a long pause. “It’s hell out there,
Eren. It kind of makes me glad you’re not in the middle of it.”
“I wish I were. I’d take that over—over this any day.” His voice cracked a bit.
“I feel like I’m losing it, Jean.”
“Hey. Don’t say that.” Jean moved closer, so Eren could feel his body heat, and
hear his breathing. He felt calm and sure of himself. “I need something good to
say to Mikasa so she won’t come charging back here to make everything better.”
Eren shook his head and looked up at the sky. It was a partly cloudy night.
Among the thin wisps of clouds was the occasional dot of light, and in the
distance was the moon. He rested his head on Jean’s shoulder, something that
surprised them both, but not enough to make either of them move. It was nice to
be able to get some fresh air with someone who wasn't in a uniform and equipped
with blades. After a while he found himself working up the nerve to speak. “I’m
pregnant.”
He felt Jean stiffen beside him. Now that he'd said he couldn't really do
anything except continue “It’s Captain Levi’s.”
“Eren—what the—”
“That’s why I’m still being imprisoned.”
“This isn’t funny, Eren!” Jean was shouting. “I’m seriously worried about you
and you just want to—to spout off shit like you think this is a joke? Fuck!” He
got to his feet, leaving Eren to stare as he paced to the edge of the roof and
back. He came back over to Eren and wrenched him up by the collar. Eren pushed
him away, afraid that Jean would punch him, or maybe kick him in the gut. Jean
backed off, breathing hard and looking shaken. “Fuck, Eren, I . . . what . . .
?”
“I wasn’t . . . I wasn't being serious,” he said, unable to keep himself from
feeling more than a little hurt at the sheer relief that crossed Jean’s face
then, which meant, if only for a second, Jean had believed him, but didn't want
to. He didn't want to even know about this when Eren himself didn't have a
choice to begin with. He turned his back and went to the edge of the roof
himself. “I want to go back. It’s too cold out here.”
Their ride through the district was twice as nauseating as the first time. Eren
held onto Jean and didn’t want to let go, leaving Jean to figure out how to
squeeze them both through the window so he could drop Eren on the bed.
“Eren,” Jean said. He hesitated, then said, “Don’t ever scare me like that
again.”
“No promises,” he replied, earning himself a glare. Jean went back to the
window and grappled away, back to where his parents were staying. The cold air
wafted in over the rest of the night, keeping Eren awake, or maybe he wouldn’t
have slept anyway. He got up around dawn to shut it before someone got
suspicious, jumping when someone knocked on his door.
“It’s me,” came that oily voice he hated so much. “I’m here for your check-up.”
“Coming,” he said, locking the window back and going to his bedroom door,
letting in the source of his problems. He had to quell another wave of nausea,
though not before wondering how good it would make him feel to vomit all over
Dr. Marion’s shoes.
As Dr. Marion settled himself in a chair and waited for Eren to sit on the bed,
he wished that he had.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Bertholdt counted up the tally marks he’d scratched into the bricks. By his
rough calculations it had been almost four months since he went into labor,
which meant his next heat was due within the next couple of weeks.
In a way he was kind of relieved he and Reiner had been separated again; he
thought his anxiety about his next heat would only be worse if they’d been
cooped up together any longer, counting down the days and trying to pretend
like things would turn out okay.
As the tally marks increased, he gradually realized how wrong he was. He missed
Reiner. He missed being able to lie together on their cot the way they had when
they were trainees, back when they were young and careless. He missed the
temptation to bury himself in their false life as soldiers, and how he
sometimes wished he’d surrendered to it like Reiner had so they could be
blissfully ignorant together, instead of stuck in underground cells for the
rest of their lives.
It was a treasonous line of thought, one that wouldn’t do him any good now.
What was it Reiner had said—they had to fulfill their duty to the bitter end?
Yeah. That sounded like Reiner.
He really missed Reiner.
- - -
“You don’t know why you’re here?” Hange said, her fingers twitching on top of
her notes, dying to document the incredulous face Reiner was making at her from
across the table. “Even though you’ve been here for almost a year?”
“That’s what I really don’t understand.” He looked puzzled. “Why would you keep
me here for so long when I haven’t done anything?”
Hange sighed. She’d come to see Reiner with the intention of setting up another
experiment, one to explore the armored parts of his titan, only to find him
incredibly bewildered and indignant about why he was chained up in a prison
cell.
She didn’t know what to make of it. He didn’t seem to have amnesia—it was more
like his memories were a little askew, or distorted. He honestly didn’t seem to
understand that he was being held here because he was a titan shifter.
“I think the experiment will have to wait until later, Moblit,” she said,
dismissing him.
Reiner watched him leave the cell before saying, “Experiment?”
“Don’t worry about it.” Hange regarded him silently for a few minutes. He began
to fidget, the cuffs chaining his arms behind him clinking against the back of
his chair. Reiner was a little more loose-lipped like this. Back at the
beginning of his imprisonment he had kept quiet, even when Levi dismembered him
as he was chained to the wall, trying to torture him in order to extract
information about the shifters’ mission from him. She wondered if there was a
way to jog his memories without putting him on the defensive again. “Can I ask
you a few questions?”
He shook his head, eyebrows knitting together in further disbelief. “If anyone
here’s got the right to ask questions, it’s me.”
“I guess that’s fair,” she said with a shrug. “What do you want to know?”
“Where’s Bertholdt?” He frowned. “I remember seeing him. He was . . . he looked
kind of sick.”
“Sick how?”
“He was all . . . bloated. He—” Reiner looked worried. “Is he better?”
Hange stared at him, wondering what could have caused him to block out so many
details of his past to the point that whole months had been warped in his mind.
Reiner was starting to look worried and a little upset at her lack of a
response, so she hastily said, “Yes, he’s doing much better.”
He didn’t seem to completely buy it, but he relaxed in his chair a bit. “Where
is he?”
“He’s in a different cell for now. I wanted to talk to you in private.”
“About what?” he asked suspiciously.
“Well . . . let’s talk about Bertholdt.” She smiled. “You guys seem really
close.”
“Yeah. We’ve been friends since we were kids,” he said, his face brightening a
bit. “We grew up together.”
“What about Annie?”
“We grew up with her too, though we weren’t always friends with her. I still
don’t think we are. We’re—” He stopped, looking confused. “We’re comrades . .
.”
“Well, you were trainees together,” she pointed out before he could dwell any
further on memories that might snap him out of this mindset. “Where are you
three from?”
“A village in the mountains.”
She nodded, picking up her pen and tapping it against the table top. “And you
had to leave when the titans invaded?”
“No, we . . . we left voluntarily. Just the three of us.”
She began writing, keeping her grip easy and relaxed so as to not make him
suspicious. “Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“You must have had a reason,” she said, looking up from her notes. He was stock
still, as if he’d been frozen to his seat, a blank expression on his face. She
proceeded cautiously. “You wanted to become trainees.”
“Y-yeah. Yeah, we became refugees after . . . after the wall fell. We wanted to
join the military police.”
“What made you and Bertholdt decide to join the scouting legion instead?”
“He joined because I did,” he said. “I joined because . . . because it seemed
like the right thing to do.”
Hange wanted to know if he meant it was the right thing to do for their secret
purpose, or if he’d genuinely joined the scouting legion on behalf of humanity.
She wasn’t sure how she could learn that without disturbing this mindset, so
she decided not to press her luck any further.
“Can I go now?” he asked when she stood up.
“Of course not.”
“Well, can I see Bertholdt then? Where is he?”
“You’ll see him before too long. He has something to do first,” she said, going
to the cell door. She paused and looked back at him, where he still sat at the
table, staring at her. “Get some rest. You’ll need it.”
“I’m tired of resting,” his reply drifted after her.
- - -
Eren was lying on the loveseat in the sitting room when a guard poked his head
in and informed him that he had a visitor. He didn’t stir, just mumbled some
kind of reply. Someone plopped down beside him, crowding his legs against the
back of the loveseat. He didn’t have to open his eyes to know it was Jean.
For the past two weeks Jean had been a near-constant presence in the townhouse.
Eren didn’t mind, considering he always brought snacks. Right now, though, his
stomach was lurching so violently that he was afraid to even think about eating
them.
“I’m good,” he said when Jean offered him some kind of pastry. Jean shrugged
and popped it into his mouth. Eren had never been one for sweets, anyway. “How
are you?”
“Same as I was yesterday: bored.” He leaned back against Eren’s legs. “I got a
letter from Mikasa and the others. They’re all holding up okay.”
“That’s good.”
“How are you? Still sick?”
“Yeah.”
Jean ate another pastry. “You should tell Captain Levi.”
“He knows.”
“Where is he, anyway? I haven’t seen around in a few days.”
Eren sat up and extracted his numbing legs from between the cushions and Jean’s
bony ass. He set them in Jean’s lap before settling back down on the pillows
he’d gathered earlier. “I think he went to go see Commander Erwin. Well. He’s
not the commander anymore, is he?”
“No one’s sure at this point. We’ve got some asshole running the legion in his
place while the king takes his time figuring out what to do with him. I thought
anyone would be an improvement over him but I was wrong.” Jean shook his head.
“At least Erwin only sacrificed us when he had a reason, or there weren’t any
other options—this new guy just does it because he doesn’t know what else to do
with us.”
“I guess we’re all screwed.”
“I never thought I’d hear you say that.”
“Me neither.”
Jean’s hands settled on his legs, tense. Eren sighed. “Stop taking everything I
say so seriously. I was joking.”
“It can’t be just a joke if it’s bothering you so much.”
Eren took a handful of pastries and stuffed them in his mouth, wishing Jean
would talk about something else.
“Ah, fuck,” Jean said, exhaling heavily. “Is this about that first night I
dropped by?”
“I told you, I was just messing with you.” He set his feet on the floor and
left the sitting room. Jean followed him and stood outside the bathroom door
while Eren tried to retch as quietly as possible. He considered waiting in
there until Jean left, but it wouldn’t surprise him to find Jean still waiting
outside, no matter how long he stayed in there. He rinsed his mouth out before
opening the door. Jean was obnoxiously close the whole way up the stairs to his
bedroom, as if hoping he could annoy Eren into talking.
“Eren,” Jean said as Eren got in bed and buried himself under the blanket. He
sat down on the edge of the mattress and looked down at him in exasperation.
Eren closed his eyes and faced the wall. He shivered when Jean touched his
hair, his fingers stroking through his locks gently. “I’ve been thinking about
what you said. I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was just . . .”
He just wouldn’t drop it. “Disgusted?”
“No! No.” Jean’s hand moved to his jaw, turning his head so they were looking
at each other. “I just couldn’t believe it. But I know you wouldn’t say
something like that unless you meant it. You’ve always been way too sincere.”
“And you’ve always been way too blunt.” Eren pushed his hand away. “I don’t
want to talk about it. I’m sorry I brought it up at all.”
“I’m just saying you can talk about it with me now,” Jean said. “If you want
to.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Eren—”
“I want to rest.” Eren turned his head away again. “I’m tired.”
“Do you want me to stay with you until Captain Levi gets back?”
“No.”
It was quiet once Jean was gone. Eren stayed under the blanket, dozing
fitfully. He woke up around dusk, feeling even more exhausted than he had
before his nap. He heard the creak of the stairs and, on an impulse, got out of
bed and opened the door, coming face to face with Levi, who held out the tray
of food he’d brought up. Eren took it and remained standing in the doorway.
“Where are you going?” he asked when Levi turned and made to go back
downstairs.
“Someone left crumbs in the sitting room. They’re not going to clean themselves
up.”
“Can that wait?” Levi looked back at him as if he’d just spoken blasphemy. “I
want to talk.”
It was uncomfortable being in the same room as Levi now, infinitely more
uncomfortable than putting up with Jean’s questions had been. At least then
Eren hadn’t been the one who needed to initiate conversation. He set the tray
on the floor by his bed and sat back down, trying to steady his breathing. “I
can’t stay here with you.”
“You want to go back to the dungeons?”
He shook his head before bowing it, unable to look at him.
“You want me to go back to the dungeons.”
“I don’t see why the strongest soldier of the scouting legion should be
assigned to look after one shifter,” Eren said, “when there are four in the
dungeons that need more surveillance.”
He glanced up to see Levi looking at him, his ever-present scowl in place. “You
have a point. And you’ve behaved yourself like you promised, so I’m sure that
Marion bastard can’t complain there.”
“Who is he?” Eren blurted out. “He can’t be just a doctor.”
“He is. He’s also a titan researcher, kind of like four-eyes is. Considering he
knows so much about humans and titans, it makes sense he’d be put in charge of
studying shifters like you.”
“How is forcing us to—you know—I mean, what can he learn from that?”
“He said he didn’t want you doing it with Reiner since it would only upset
you.”
Eren sat back against the wall, feeling twice as exhausted as he had just ten
minutes ago. “Like I’m not upset now?”
“I’m sorry,” Levi said haltingly. “I . . . I wanted to refuse, but—”
“It’s okay. I just don’t want to be around you anymore. I can't be.”
“I understand.”
No, he didn’t. Eren would rather be tied up and beaten before admitting why he
didn’t want Levi around. He was tired of lying awake at night, consumed with
the memory of Levi’s lean body against his, and how gentle he’d been in spite
of everything. He was horrified every time he caught himself thinking of how
it’d felt to be fucked, and he was even more horrified by how much it hurt to
stay holed up in his room by himself. He didn’t want Levi to go away—quite the
opposite—but something had to be done. They needed a clean break.
“I’m going to go finish cleaning,” Levi said, standing up. “If Jean comes back
over tomorrow make him stay outside. I won’t abide crumbs in the house, even if
I’m not here.”
“Yes, sir.” Once he was gone Eren sat down on the floor and picked at his food,
still feeling too sick to really eat any of it. He made himself choke it down
anyway and tried to focus on something other than how Levi’s scent still
lingered in the room.
He gave up and leaned against the bed frame, sliding a hand into his pants and
palming his already hard cock. He stroked himself slowly, not sure what he was
trying to accomplish and why. His hips rocked back and forth, as if from
imaginary thrusts. He spread his legs and pushed the hem of his pants down his
thighs, allowing his cock to stand free.
He moaned quietly as his hands teased his cock and his aching nipples, never
resting on one spot for too long. He realized he was trying to mimic the way
Levi had touched him and sat up suddenly, feeling dirty. His cock twitched
enticingly as he pulled his pants back up and crawled into bed. He was sick of
being a slave to his own emotions and desires. It had to stop.
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
     sorry for the long absence--I wanted to take a break during finals
     week and then I got sick just in time for winter break :|
Reflecting on it, Annie wondered if her ill-fated feelings, whatever it was
exactly that she felt, for Eren had been unwittingly spurred on at least in
part because he was an omega. And Annie had had a long time to reflect.
Being a beta, she had a rather dull, unrefined grasp of the intangible
differences among herself and her comrades in comparison to Reiner, but after
the first year of being in close quarters with them she grew a little more
attuned. She was used to people trying to strike up conversations and attempt
to be friendly against her will, but no one had ever let her be, let her feel a
little proud of the fact that she didn’t participate in training and could
still hold her own in a fight. Eren would probably kill her now if they ever
came into contact again. At the very least, he could try.
Less than a month before their graduation, Bertholdt went into heat and removed
himself from their company like he always did. Annie tolerated Reiner for the
first few days, trying to be understanding, but her patience never lasted the
entire week. She knew that Bertholdt and, by extension, Reiner were
particularly agitated this time around, since Bertholdt was going to kick down
the gate to Trost in just a few weeks.
“He’s been acting strange lately,” Reiner muttered to her at dinner on the
first night of Bertholdt’s heat. “He doesn’t talk to me anymore unless I say
something first. He doesn’t . . . we don’t—you know . . .”
Annie didn’t have much personal interest in what went on between them, but it
was her duty to mediate for them when they had issues, even if they weren’t
actually a mated pair. God knew they wouldn’t talk about it to each other.
She set her fork down and looked him in the eye. “I can’t help you.”
“Thanks for the advice,” he said sarcastically. “I know you like to slack off
on your duties, but this is kind of important.”
“My commitment to our mission might waver on occasion, but I keep it to
myself.” Annie realized she’d let her temper get the best of her, but if
Bertholdt was just going to lie down and let this farce continue then she
supposed she’d have to be the one to stop it. “I don’t let it affect how I
perform my duties, I don’t involve anyone else in my own emotional issues, and
I certainly don’t pretend to love someone when I’m not sure I do.”
Reiner’s face convulsed as if she’d kicked him in the groin. “I’m not
pretending—I—how can you—”
Annie looked around. The mess hall was full and lively as always and no one
around them was close or quiet enough to eavesdrop. “Do you remember our
mission?”
“Of course I—”
“Do you really?”
Reiner moved his mouth wordlessly for a moment. “Yeah. Yeah . . .”
“The two of you shouldn’t have fooled yourselves into thinking you were mates,”
she said, going back to her soup. She could practically feel the heat of
Reiner’s glare. “We have a mission to carry out. Don’t drag me into something
like this again.”
“I don’t plan on it, considering how many other people are just dying to sit
with you and waste your precious time.” He stood up from the bench and stormed
off, his shoulders tense and his jaw clenched, a picturesque angry alpha. The
other trainees got out of his way as fast as they could. A few of them sent
curious glances Annie’s way, wondering what she could have said or done to piss
off someone as easy-going as Reiner.
Something about his words struck a nerve deep down in a place Annie thought
she’d buried and forgotten about a long time ago. She decided to stroll through
the woods after dinner by herself, declining Mina’s offer to accompany her. The
trees were small and welcoming here, nothing like the wild forests that
sprawled for miles outside the walls. She left the mess hall and headed for the
training grounds, literally running into Eren at the corner of the showers.
“Oh,” he said, stumbling back and throwing a hand against the wall for support.
He was breathing hard, almost panting. “It’s you, Annie. I thought maybe Mikasa
. . . what are you doing out here?”
He was acting strange, as skittish as a deer. Annie wondered if maybe she’d
sent him flying a bit too hard at training the other day. “I wanted to be
alone.”
“Me, too,” he said faintly. “I was actually . . . trying to go to the utility
shed . . . can’t stay here . . .”
“I can help you get there, if you want,” she said, surprised at herself. Eren
shook his head and lurched forward.
“’m fine.” He tottered off and he made his determined, unsteady way to the
utility shed, not looking fine at all.
Being stuck in a crystal for so long gave her ample time to replay that memory
over and over in her mind. Now that she knew Eren was a shifter, she felt it
was reasonable to conclude that he was an omega. There was no other way to
explain how his disappearances always roughly correlated with Bertholdt’s
heats. At the time Annie had never cared enough to think too much about it, but
now she had nothing to do but overanalyze it and wonder how she hadn’t seen it
sooner, and then wonder if the knowledge would have changed anything. She liked
to think it wouldn’t have.
She buried herself in memories, ones from the village. She missed the mountains
and her family, even her annoying younger siblings. She relived her time as a
trainee again and again and again, those times when she almost allowed herself
to slip up and act as if she belonged with them, as if she wanted to belong
with them. She remembered nights when Mina would ask to braid her hair. She
remembered training exercises and chores when she was forced to interact with
other people, how Marco would occasionally go out of his way to ask her if
she’d liked to do gear maintenance together. She remembered the night before
Bertholdt was to kick down the gate to Trost, how he’d sought her out at the
girl’s barracks and just loomed over her, a trembling, incoherent, nervous
wreck.
“What do you want?” she asked, blowing a few stray strands of hair out of her
face. She’d almost been asleep, having gone to bed early to prepare herself for
the next day, when Sasha woke her up and said Bertholdt was asking for her.
“Reiner said he wants to join the scouting legion.”
“Everyone wants to join the scouting legion now,” Annie said. Eren and Jean’s
fight in the mess hall had been oddly inspiring to a lot of the other trainees.
“He’s just saying that to play along.”
“He told me specifically,” Bertholdt whispered miserably. “‘Bert, I think I’ll
join the scouting legion. Don’t you think Krista will be impressed?’”
Annie had no idea what to say to that. She clutched at the hem of her jacket.
“Well, as long as he remembers what he has to do tomorrow—”
“What if he doesn’t? This isn’t the first time this has happened.”
“He doesn’t listen to me,” she said, exhaling. “You’re going to have to pluck
up the nerve to set him straight whenever he does—whatever it is he’s doing.”
“He doesn’t listen to me either,” he said helplessly.
“That’s because you never say anything to him in the first place.”
Despite all that, she wasn’t sure she could say Reiner had ruined their plan at
Trost, not when Eren had popped up out of the blue, a rogue, an unknown,
uncontrolled variable. Their goal shifted after that. And all she could think
about as she crystallized was her own failure.
She wasn’t quite sure what brought her attention back into the here and now.
She was aware of what happened outside of the crystal, if only at the very
fringes of her consciousness. There was some kind of commotion that pulled at
her senses, but she didn’t wrench herself from her memories until the smell hit
her.
As soon as she realized what it was the crystal began to dissolve. When her
head was free she looked around, taking in her surroundings with clarity for
the first time in ages. She was in some kind of rank, musty-smelling cell with
a low ceiling and two torches. When her hands were free she twisted her torso
and sought out the source of the cloying, nauseating scent of an omega in heat.
There was Bertholdt, huddled against the wall. If his smell was so thick and
intense that even she could discern it this easily, then he must have been
there for half of his heat already. As the last of the crystal dissolved away
and Annie was able to drop to her knees, she wondered what the hell Bertholdt
was doing here at all.
“No,” she said. There was only one explanation for why he was down here with
her. He stirred but didn’t look at her. “No, please. Please tell me Reiner
wasn’t captured, too. Please.”
“He was,” Bertholdt said hoarsely. Annie crawled toward him, her legs too stiff
and unsteady to walk on. She touched his cheek and pulled him close, pressing
his face against her shoulder and her neck so her scent would calm him. He was
trembling uncontrollably and every so often a spasm racked through his body.
“Tell me what happened,” she said, forcing herself to remain calm even though
she felt anything but. All of their work, all of that hell they’d subjected
themselves to—it’d all been for nothing. “What happened after I was captured?”
In a choked voice he told her about the titans in Wall Rose and seeing the Ape
Titan at Castle Utgard, and about how Reiner had pulled Eren aside on top of
the wall and blown their cover.
“That idiot,” she hissed. Bertholdt shifted uncomfortably from where she’d
relocated him to her lap. “So they captured you after that?”
“Not immediately. We almost managed to capture Eren and take him back to the
village. But then Ymir . . .”
“Ymir?” Without thinking about it she touched Bertholdt’s face again. His skin
was warm and slick with sweat.
He shivered before saying, “She’s a shifter, the titan that ate Berik. She made
us go back for Krista. We still could have gotten away with her and Eren if—if
I hadn’t—it’s my fault—”
“Shh,” she said when he started to writhe in agitation. It was the only thing
she could think of to say. If Reiner were here he would instinctively know what
to do to calm Bertholdt down. She was at a loss at what to do other than hold
him and go over everything she’d missed since she’d been captured. “How long
have you been here?”
“A-about a year.”
She inhaled sharply. She’d been expecting him to say a few months, perhaps.
That was an excessively long time. If the military police or whoever had only
wanted information then surely they would have gotten it and killed Reiner and
Bertholdt by now.
“Bertholdt,” she asked quietly, “what have they done to you?”
- - -
Eren was outside in the garden when Hange dropped by for a visit. She joined
him out by the flowerbed where he was reading a book on how to care for them.
“What’s all this?” she asked, peering over his shoulder. “I didn’t know you
were interested in gardening.”
“I’m not. I don’t have the first idea how to take care of plants.” He shut the
book and tossed it aside in frustration. “But I need something to do and it
seemed like waste just to ignore them after Captain Levi went to all the
trouble of planting them.”
“Well, maybe you’d like to know that I’ve got a job for you!” She steered him
inside, not even letting him wipe the dirt off his boots. “I’m sure now you’ll
be plenty busy.”
He froze in the doorway when he saw Moblit at the kitchen table, cradling a
bundle of blankets that was moving and making noise. A similar one was in a
basket on the table. “Oh, no,” he said when Hange picked it up and brought it
over to him. “No. You can’t be serious. I’m not looking after them.”
Hange let the baby grab hold of her fingers and suckle on them. She glanced up
at him hesitantly, her smile slipping a bit. “Well . . . you’ll need the
practice, Eren.”
“I—”
“Moblit and I have been taking care of them until now, but we have other things
to attend to. Dr. Marion agreed to let us give them to a foster parent on the
condition that it be you.”
“I don’t know anything about babies,” he protested, following them to Captain
Levi’s bedroom and seeing with horror that someone had already constructed one
crib and part of another. “I can’t—I don’t—”
“Moblit will stay with you for a week or two and help you get accustomed. After
that I’ll need him back to help me with the other shifters.” Hange turned to
him and gave him a tired smile. “I had a couple of cute names picked out but
their parents had other ideas. This little guy is Balder. His mouth is always
open because he cries more. The one with the redder cheeks is Váli.”
They looked the exact same to Eren, two little squirming things that hadn't
done anything to deserve being in this mess. Despite his protesting Hange
transferred the baby she held, Balder, to him and gave a few short instructions
that might as well have been spoken in another language. He lowered himself on
the mattress and watched helplessly as Hange finished constructing the second
crib. True to her description Balder began to vocalize his displeasure about
something Eren couldn’t deduce, leaving it up to Moblit to gently explain how
to change diapers.
When Jean showed up a few hours before dusk, he found Eren at the kitchen
table, cradling his head.
“Rough day of nothing?” he said, sitting across from him and patting him on the
shoulder.
“Fuck you,” Eren snapped.
Jean pulled his hand away. “Sorry, geez. What are you so pissy about?”
“You really have to ask?”
Jean paused, looking toward the corporal’s bedroom door. Eren could hear it,
too: the unmistakable sound of babies crying. “What the—are those—are those
yours?”
“No,” Eren said, looking up. “They’re Reiner and Bertholdt’s. I’m just taking
care of them. For . . . practice.”
Jean closed his eyes, not saying anything. Eren couldn’t really blame him.
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Balder was crying again. Eren eased himself out of his chair in the kitchen and
went down the hall to the first floor bedroom. The crying decreased the second
he stepped foot in the room. Though he was tired and more than a little
irritable, he couldn’t stay mad. Balder only cried because he was lonely.
Eren wasn’t sure what normal baby behavior was, but he was sure Balder would be
considered louder and fussier than most. He moved around even when asleep and
didn’t like being cooped up in his crib. His brother was more subdued, content
to be held and fed at Eren’s convenience, which was usually whenever he was
done attending to Balder. Váli didn’t have much interest in joining in on
Balder’s near-constant squalling and would lie quietly in his crib most of the
time, which often made Balder think he’d been left alone. Eren smiled in spite
of himself and lifted Balder up.
Balder settled down after a couple of minutes of gentle rocking. After a while
he even fell asleep, for once as still and quiet as Váli. Eren’s smile dropped
as it occurred to him that this was the first time he’d ever held Balder until
he went to sleep. He could just imagine Dr. Marion watching this and having
something weird to say about omegas.
Jean came into the room without warning. Once Moblit went back to be with
Hange, Eren was left to take care of the twins by himself, which meant he was
almost never available to answer the door, so over the past two months Jean had
taken to coming into the house uninvited. He usually waited for Eren in the
living room.
Jean didn’t like being in this room. Eren had seen the way he looked around at
the bed and the cribs the last and, until now, only time he’d been in here.
Eren couldn’t quite name the emotion Jean must have been feeling, but it looked
almost like disgust. For some reason it had made Eren feel ashamed.
“Oh, come on,” he muttered, turning his back to Jean and carrying Balder to his
crib. Balder’s large doughy face scrunched up and began to turn pink with
another impending crying fit. “I just got him to calm down.” He set Balder down
and almost kissed his forehead before remembering Jean was there, and that Jean
wouldn’t want to see that. He straightened up and pushed Jean out of the room
before he could make any noise.
“You’re late today,” he said once they were in the kitchen. “I hope you brought
extra snacks, I’m starving.”
“I got my cast taken off, actually.” Jean turned to face him. He looked
exhausted for someone who’d spent the last two months visiting his family and
bothering Eren in his spare time, his skin drawn tight and pinched at the
corners of his eyes and mouth.
“That’s good,” Eren said. He paused. “Well, no, that means . . .”
Jean nodded. “I have to go back. God, I’ve been considering breaking something
else just so I can stay here.” He dropped into the chair Eren had been sitting
in earlier and laughed. “You wouldn’t mind doing me a favor, would you? Shift a
little bit and step on my foot or something. I’ll pay you.”
“I haven’t shifted in months, Jean. I’d like to keep it that way.” There were
so many guards lurking around that even the smallest hint of a shift would be
reported to Dr. Marion. Eren wasn’t eager to find out what the consequences
would be.
“So you’d be willing to step on me otherwise?”
“That depends on what you brought me today.”
Jean’s face grew grim as he withdrew a folded letter from his coat and set it
on the table. Eren sat across from him, smoothed it out, and read it. He
recognized Mikasa’s handwriting, so small and cramped it was hard to decipher.
He read a paragraph before leaning back in his chair, feeling his head spin.
Armin was injured. At the time of Mikasa’s writing, they weren’t sure if he was
going to recover. He’d lost a lot of blood, Mikasa wrote. Her handwriting
became almost illegible at that part.
“When are you going back?” Eren asked, his voice faint.
“Tomorrow.” Jean took the letter back and glanced over it before tucking it
away in his pocket again. “Eren, I know what you’re thinking—”
“Take me with you.”
Jean shook his head.
“Armin is dying,” Eren said. “My best friend—I haven’t seen him in months. I
haven’t seen anyone but you in months, you know what I’ve been through, you
can’t just—I have to see him!”
“You really think you’re going to be allowed to just waltz out of here down
into titan territory in your condition?” Jean snapped. “I showed you the letter
so you could write one back. I’ll take it to Mikasa for you.”
Eren stood up so fast the chair fell over backward. It hit the floor with a
loud bang that would no doubt wake up the twins. The thought of them was all
that kept Eren from losing his temper and letting loose all the anger he’d kept
bottled up during his imprisonment. He glared at Jean, his chest rising and
falling in short stutters. Jean wouldn’t meet his eyes.
Eren picked the chair up and set it upright, forcing himself to stay calm.
“You’re not the one I need to get permission from,” he muttered.
He heard the scrape of Jean’s chair when he got up and followed Eren to the
front door. Eren stuck his head out long enough to tell one of the guards to
send for Dr. Marion. Dusk was falling rapidly. When Eren withdrew back into the
main hall and shut the door, he and Jean were enshrouded in darkness.
“Eren,” Jean said quietly. He touched Eren then, put a hand on his shoulder.
Eren shoved him away without really meaning to; these days he didn’t like it
when anyone got too close to him. He heard a thud as Jean stumbled backward
into the door.
“Sorry. I just—don’t touch me.”
“Eren, you shouldn’t go with me.” He heard Jean’s breath hitch. “Do you
remember Trost? It’s like that down there. It’s like Trost all over again, only
it’s been going on for months and it’s spreading all through Wall Rose. There’s
no stopping it. I don’t want you to put yourself through that.”
“I’m not made out of glass, Jean. I’ve seen what the titans can do.” The memory
of that day in Shinganshina was always fresh in Eren’s mind. He remembered
being too weak to save his mother, even with Mikasa’s help, and he remembered
Armin, who had kept his wits about him even when terrified and had run for help
so Eren and Mikasa at least could be saved. He went to the living room and sat
down on the loveseat, fidgeting. He knew it could be hours before Dr. Marion
arrived, yet no amount of time ever helped him feel prepared enough to be
around him.
“Suit yourself.” Jean sat down beside him, much too close. Eren could smell
flour on him, and some kind of soap. He could feel his body heat. Eren was
reminded of the corporal, and how warm his skin was and how clean he’d smelled
even when dripping with sweat. Eren moved into a chair on the other side of the
room.
Dr. Marion arrived around two hours later. In that time Eren had stayed put in
his chair while Jean bustled around trying to keep himself occupied with making
dinner. He wouldn’t leave. Eren suspected he was planning to sabotage their
meeting.
Jean sat on the loveseat and kept his mouth shut while Dr. Marion went through
his usual routine of useless pleasantries. He glanced at Jean as he greeted
Eren but didn’t speak to him.
“It’s unusual for you to summon me, Eren,” he said, sounding somewhat amused,
as if he knew he made Eren uncomfortable. “And at this hour! Are you well? I
hope we haven’t had a repeat of last time.”
Eren sucked in a steadying breath to keep himself from losing his temper again.
Pointedly ignoring the curious look Jean gave him, he said, “I want to . . .
one of my friends has been injured. I’d like permission to go visit him.
Please.”
Dr. Marion’s sparse white eyebrows arched high above his glasses. Eren added
hastily, “I don’t want to be there for more than a few days, just long enough
to make sure he’s doing okay and that he’ll recover. Please, sir—”
“Absolutely not.”
“—he’s my best friend.”
Dr. Marion’s expression suggested he wouldn’t care even if Armin was heir
apparent to the throne. “Eren,” he said, “you are asking me to let you go down
into a war zone. I simply cannot risk you getting injured or upset. And even if
I could, what would we do with the twins? Squad Leader Hange is no longer able
to care for them. I hope you don’t mean to ask if you could take them with
you.”
Eren said nothing. That was exactly what he’d been planning to ask, even if it
was stupid and reckless and guaranteed to be shot down. He didn’t know what
else to say other than, “Please.”
Dr. Marion smiled. His eyes were full of shallow pity. “Mr. Kirstein, is it?”
he said. Jean sat up straighter, blinking. “You’d be more than willing to pass
along any message Eren might want to send his friend, wouldn’t you?”
“Yeah.” Jean winced. “I mean, yes, sir. I already offered to.”
“Then I don’t see why you felt the need to call me out here when you know how
busy I am, Eren.”
“Four days,” Eren said desperately. “That’s all I want, is four days. Please.”
Dr. Marion sighed. “Eren . . .”
“Three days, please, sir—”
“Eren.”
“Two,” he pleaded, “I just want two days, that’s all I’m asking, please—!”
“Very well.”
The words seemed to break a kind of spell. Eren didn’t realize he’d risen to
his feet as he was speaking. He sat down and pressed his legs together, looking
at Dr. Marion wildly, wondering what could have changed his mind just like
that.
“I’ll let you go down to visit your friend and take the twins with you. Keep in
mind, that’s three subjects I’m letting wander down into titan territory—not
including however many you’re carrying. What do you think is worth my taking
such a chance, Eren? What could you do to thank me?”
Eren stared. Of course there would be a catch, he shouldn’t be surprised. As
the silence stretched on Dr. Marion said, as if explaining simple math to a
small child, “It’s so inconvenient to have you in this house and not with the
other shifters. It would be much easier on everyone if you were closer.”
Of course. Eren had been so good, he’d done everything he could to be calmer
and quieter so he could stay in this house and pretend he could live a somewhat
normal life. Of course it would be taken away from him.
No, he thought viciously. He would give it up on his own terms. If it meant he
could see Armin, and Mikasa, and all the others—he’d give it up for good.
“Understood.”
Over the course of their conversation Jean had watched Eren with his brow
furrowed. He continued to stare while Dr. Marion saw himself out, telling him
he would be entrusted with escorting Eren along with some guards. Eren leaned
back in his chair and shut his eyes, exhaling shakily.
“You’re nuts,” Jean said.
“I’m not in the mood for your smart-ass comments, Jean.” Eren opened his eyes.
He needed to go eat finally, or maybe check on Balder and Váli. He needed to do
something over than sit here like he had for the past three months, as if
waiting could somehow fix everything.
Jean leaned forward and set a hand on Eren’s knee. His lips parted like he was
going to say something. Eren heard none of it. It was as if Jean’s touch had
been electric; Eren felt a shiver course through his body and then he was hard
and wet all at once.
He uttered something that might have been a scream or a sob and kicked Jean’s
hand away, drawing his legs up into the chair in front of his body.
“Shit, I’m sorry, I forgot,” Jean said, moving back. “Look, Eren, I just—I hope
you know what you’ve gotten yourself into.”
“Of course I do.”
Jean stood up and lingered for another awkward moment or two. “Well. I guess
I’ll see you tomorrow morning then. So . . . good night, Eren.”
He left the sitting room. Eren heard his footsteps echo down the main hall,
then the door open and shut. As soon as he was sure Jean was gone he went to
the back yard. He wasn’t wearing shoes, hadn’t worn shoes in weeks. The grass
was dry under his feet, brown and shriveled from the oncoming winter. He
stopped by the cornflowers the corporal had planted so long ago. Even though
he’d tried his hardest to tend to them properly, the flowers were dying.
Eren stuck his hands into the soil and dragged a handful out. He threw it hard
across the yard, not bothering to see where it’d gone before seizing another
handful and throwing it a different way. When his hands were dirty he kicked
the dirt and stomped on whatever hint of blue he saw, until the yard was strewn
with the soil and dead flowers and there was nothing left for him to destroy.
He clenched his fists uselessly, feeling the burn of the dirt under his
fingernails and the soreness seep through his arms. He wiped the dirt on his
pants and went back into the house for the last time.
Chapter End Notes
     I LIVE and I outlined the rest of this story so that if real life
     interferes again at least I'll have a better idea of what to write
     once I get the chance @____@
***** Chapter 5 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
He was a thin, balding man. In a way it made him look like Annie’s father,
except her father had been wrinkled and tanned from a lifetime of working hard
in the sun. This man was unnaturally pale, almost translucent, as if he’d spent
years in these dungeons. His few wrinkles bunched at the corners of his eyes
and mouth, which made him look like he was prone to smiling a lot. His was a
deceptively kind-looking face. From the second Annie sat down across the table
from him she was on guard.
He introduced himself as Dr. Marion, a titan researcher who was interested in
studying what sort of medical benefits and drawbacks there were in having a
body that could regenerate from injury and sickness and could turn into a
monster.
“You shifters are the bridge between titans and humans,” he said. “It’s
unfortunate that until now you and your kind haven’t been very cooperative in
helping us. I only want what’s best for humanity. We have so few advantages
against the titans, you see.”
Annie couldn’t meet his eyes. She glanced around the cell, getting a feel for
her surroundings. The scent of Bertholdt’s heat still clung to her. It didn’t
arouse any sort of biological reaction in her, though it did make her
uncomfortable. Her guards had led her away from the other cell without warning
and left Bertholdt by himself in the middle of his heat.
What made her even more uncomfortable was what Berthold told her in the other
cell, the reason why they had been kept alive instead of killed even when it
became clear none of them would give in to interrogation. It made her skin
crawl, that this man would dare to exploit them this way and smile while
talking about it. She was tired of being told to do things for the greater
good—how could such a thing exist when it was founded by trampling on its
seekers?
Dr. Marion cocked his head. The candlelight reflected off of his glasses,
making it hard for her to look him in the face. He waited a moment or two to
see if she would reply, then said, “That aside, I’m interested in this class
system you shifters have set up. I understand that those like Reiner tend to be
domineering and sometimes aggressive, and that those like Bertholdt are more
subservient and withdrawn. What about you? What is special about you?”
Nothing, she thought. She hadn’t even been a first choice for this fuck-up of a
mission, wouldn’t be here if Ymir hadn’t eaten Berik.
“I’m a beta,” she said simply. “I’m supposed to look after Bertholdt when
Reiner can’t.”
“You haven’t done a very good job, I’m afraid.” He said it like he thought he
was being clever. He leaned back in his chair and regarded her. “I was given
orders when you shifters first came into my possession to see if it was
possible to have you procreate. At the time we had no knowledge of alphas and
betas and omegas. The original candidates for that task were you and Ymir.”
Annie stared. Her mouth sagged open in shock. It felt like something had seized
her stomach from the inside and was squeezing it hard.
Dr. Marion smiled. “We put that plan on hold in favor of observing Bertholdt
and Eren and, well, now that we’ve gotten you out of the crystal and they’re
both in various stages of gestation, I think this is the time to put you and
Ymir to use.”
Annie lunged across the table and landed a right hook square in his face. There
was a crunch, either from his glasses or his nose or both breaking, and then
she was pulled, kicking and flailing, into a headlock and a pair of cuffs. Her
knuckles were split and splintered with little shards of glass. A guard who
wasn’t occupied with restraining her kneeled down and helped Dr. Marion to his
feet.
“Gag her,” he said. His face went white where it wasn’t splotched with blood.
“Make sure all of her limbs are bound. She’s more willing to leave the others
behind so she’ll probably be more likely to shift.”
Annie felt almost as if she were in the crystal again, except now she had
nothing to occupy her mind but the thought of how much she wanted to escape.
She struggled for hours where she’d been left chained to a cot. They’d taken
care to wrap her hands and feet in soft cloth first so the chains couldn’t rub
her skin, preventing her from using it to shift. She writhed until every muscle
in her body screamed in protest, then she fell limp. She wasn’t admitting
defeat—she was only taking a break. As she rested she strained her senses,
trying to locate the guards outside her cell and if Bertholdt, Reiner, or Ymir
were close by.
Her cell was filthy. A sour scent, like dirt and waste that had been festering
for weeks, clogged her nose and made her gag around the cloth in her mouth.
There was only the sound of her guards breathing, occasionally speaking to one
another in voices too quiet for her to decipher. She was cut off from
everything. The only thing she could see was the ceiling.
She slept and awoke three times before anything changed. She strained to turn
her head to the side enough so she could see outside her cell. Two of the
guards snapped to attention. The third and shortest one didn’t uncross his arms
even when Dr. Marion approached. Annie realized it was Captain Levi.
“You’re needed in Wall Rose,” Dr. Marion said, sounding unhappy. “The titans
are threatening to overwhelm what little territory we’ve kept defended from
them.”
“Who’s going to watch them, then?” Levi replied. He jerked a thumb back at
Annie. “It took me and Mikasa both to get her under control the time before
last, and even then we could only occupy her. There’s no taking her down
without either of us or Eren around.”
“I’m aware of that,” Dr. Marion said icily. “It’s not my decision.”
“When am I being sent out?”
“The day after tomorrow. I had hoped to have you on hand when we put Reiner and
Annie together, but I guess we’ll have to make do without you.”
Annie saw Levi go stiff. He cocked his head and glared up at Dr. Marion with an
even nastier look in his eyes than usual. Dr. Marion noticed it too.
“Do you have something to say, Captain Levi?”
“I think what you’re doing is sick. I don’t like these shifters any more than
any rational person out there, but even I get tired of being the bully after a
while.”
Dr. Marion straightened up his glasses and gave Levi a thin, cold smile that
made Annie look away. “My dear captain, you’ve always struck me as the sort of
person who takes pleasure in committing violence for its own sake. At least
what I’m doing serves a greater purpose beyond personal revenge or
satisfaction.”
“I bet my foot up your ass would serve a greater purpose,” Levi retorted,
“'cept I wouldn’t want to get shit on my boots when I’ve just cleaned them.”
Annie heard the soft shuffling of Dr. Marion’s footsteps as he turned and began
to walk down the hall. After he was gone one of the guards released a long-held
breath into a light, nervous laugh and said under her breath, “You really like
to push your luck, Captain Levi.”
“It’s not like he can do anything worse than what he’s already done,” Levi
said. Annie had no idea what he could mean by that. Whatever he was talking
about made the other two guards exchange an uneasy glance. She recognized the
motion. Bertholdt and Reiner often did it in their trainee days whenever they
were chewed out for goofing off during training. She began to struggle against
the chains again. No one, not even Levi, tried to stop her.
- - -
Jean showed up bright and early the next morning. He was grim-faced as Eren
gathered everything he’d need for the twins while they were away from the
townhouse.
“You’re sure you want to go?” he asked as he followed Eren out the front door,
Balder’s basket and a roll of blankets in tow. “Are you absolutely, one-hundred
percent certain that you—”
“Yes,” Eren hissed, motioning for him to hush. “Stop asking me, you’re going to
wake them up.”
Jean invited himself into the carriage even though he was supposed to ride his
horse back. He held onto Balder’s basket and made sure it wasn’t jostled as the
carriage began to move, so Eren couldn’t complain. Eren himself felt queasy
whenever they hit the slightest bump in the road. They didn’t talk much. There
wasn’t really anything to say.
Eren peered out the window when they passed through the southernmost gate of
Wall Sina. The gate opened into a large town that stretched on for several
miles in either direction along the wall. It looked untouched: no signs of a
titan invasion, but also no sign that any people still lived there.
There were weeds growing everywhere, and here and there Eren spotted toys and
playthings lying wherever children had dropped them. A few skinny stray dogs
roamed the streets. One chased the carriage until they reached the outskirts of
the town, at which point it sat down, threw its head back, and began to howl.
Eren had seen far worse in his life, and yet something about the town sent a
fresh wave of nausea rolling through his stomach.
“Stick your head out the window if you’re going to puke,” Jean said in an
alarmed tone when he noticed how green Eren was.
“I’m not going to puke,” Eren snapped.
“Okay, okay.”
About three hours passed before the came across the next town. There were
soldiers stationed here, on watch in the streets and on the rooftops. There
were only about twenty-five in total, and half of them were injured in some
way. A small blonde soldier briefly met Eren’s eyes before turning her head.
She looked young, younger even than Eren. She must have just joined the
scouting legion.
“Have you made any headway against the titans?” Eren asked.
Jean gave him a half-smile that was devoid of any humor. “So little that it
can’t really count. We’ve gotten better at killing them before they kill us but
there’s so fucking many of them that it doesn’t matter. It’s gotten to the
point where the king’s debating whether or not he should march out some of the
refugees in Wall Sina as hors d'oeuvres.”
“Like what they did when Wall Maria fell,” Eren said faintly, recalling Armin’s
grandfather. He found he couldn’t even remember what he’d looked like anymore.
Jean nodded. He flinched when Balder gave a sudden wail and might have knocked
the basket over if Eren hadn’t darted forward and caught it. After giving Jean
a glare that could have curdled milk, he lifted Balder out and held him. The
only constants in Eren’s life at this point was that Váli would never cry if
Balder was and that whenever Váli did cry Balder did his best to drown him out.
He explained this to Jean as he settled Balder down.
“You’re smiling,” Jean said when Eren was done. Eren hid his mouth with one
hand and held Balder tighter with the other one.
“They remind me of me and Mikasa when we were little,” he mumbled, embarrassed.
“Mikasa never gave Mom any trouble since I got into enough for both of us.”
“I bet you were a scary kid.”
“More than you know.”
Jean looked down at where Eren held Váli’s basket between his feet. Váli was
awake, staring up at Eren patiently and blowing spit bubbles to occupy himself.
Eren passed Balder over to Jean and scooped him up.
From the way Jean tried to handle Balder as little as possible Eren thought he
must not have much experience with babies, but then he remembered that Jean had
three younger sisters and had been in charge of looking after them when his
parents were busy. “Do they bother you?”
Jean glanced up after he set Balder down. “It’s not them so much as . . . you.”
“Me?”
Jean looked uncomfortable. “Well it’s not really you, more like . . . well . .
. you’re . . . y’know. And you said it’s Captain Levi’s.”
Eren stared at him. Jean went on hurriedly, “I just wasn’t aware the two of you
were like that to each other. So to me, er, it’s kind of a shock is—”
“We’re not,” Eren cut him off. He put Vali back down in his basket and set his
hands on his knees, feeling his nails dig in through the fabric of his pants.
He didn’t know what Jean expected him to say. He couldn’t tell him the truth
the way he’d told Mikasa and Armin back in Levi’s garden. It had been shameful
and embarrassing, yet it had also made him feel free, like he’d released a
captive bird from its cage. Those months he spent planning his escape, even if
it had been for nothing, had felt good. He wanted to feel like that again, and
yet he also didn’t want to upset this fragile illusion of normalcy he had with
Jean. “We weren’t ever . . .”
“Did you want to be?”
“I don’t know,” Eren said. “I honestly don’t know.”
It was an irrelevant question, he thought. He looked out the window for the
remainder of the ride. Whatever he may or may not have felt, it wouldn’t amount
to anything now, not when the very thought of Levi elicited such vivid memories
of those three days in his room, arousing and disgusting all at once. A younger
Eren might have gotten mad and cried, but he was older now, more tired than
angry. He knew better than to fight back.
Chapter End Notes
     two updates in one month YEEEAH *falls over*
***** Chapter 6 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Winters were always harsh in the mountains. As the youngest in a family of
seven Reiner got to sleep in the center of their mass of blankets and bodies,
so he didn’t think they were all that bad. It was difficult rationing food for
so long and not being able to run around without his coat, but snowball fights
with Berik and Bertholdt were always fun, so there was that, too.
This morning, like most winter mornings, he stayed huddled under the covers and
reveled in his family’s lingering body heat for as long as possible before
rousing himself and getting dressed before one of his brothers could come and
wake him by force. At eleven, he was too old to sneak off and go play when
there were chores to be done, so those had to be taken care of first. After all
the snow had been shoveled from in front of the doorway and the blankets had
been put back in order, Reiner took one of his brothers’ large coats off its
hook and pulled it snug around himself before heading out into the cold.
Their village was scattered across a valley, divided by clusters of trees and
bushes and, in some places, frozen creeks and treacherous pits of snow. There
was a thin, winding path that led from his family’s house, which was really
just a small cabin, to the center of the village. From there he took the main
path, which would lead him by Bertholdt’s house. Further down the path and
through some trees was Berik’s.
Bertholdt’s mother answered the door before Reiner could knock twice. She
looked down at him and then craned her neck so she could peer over him
hopefully. Seeing no one, she sighed and said, “I haven’t been able to find
Bertholdt all morning. I was hoping that he was with you.”
“I just woke up,” Reiner said, a little embarrassed. It wasn’t very responsible
of him to sleep so late, but the blankets had been so warm and it was so cold
out here today. His breath rose up before his face in thin puffs.
“It’s not like him to miss breakfast,” Bertholdt’s mother said, wringing her
hands. She had long, almost claw-like fingers that at the moment were pink from
the chill. She rubbed them together more vigorously. “He hasn’t been feeling
well lately. I don’t know what he’s thinking, going off in this weather. . . .
Unless—”
A look of horror flashed across her long, thin face and she retreated back into
the doorway and turned her head, presumably so she could speak to her husband.
She looked so concerned that Reiner figured he wouldn’t bother her any longer.
He hopped off the Hoovers’ porch and continued along the path to Berik’s house.
Berik had only one sibling, a younger sister who was a lot nicer than Reiner’s
four older brothers put together were. She let him in so he could sit by the
fire while she scurried down the hall to Berik’s room. Berik looked surprised
when he emerged a few minutes later, his short curly hair ruffled up and his
shirt riding halfway up his back, exposing a second layer of clothes.
“Where’s Bert?” he asked, looking around the same way Bertholdt’s mom had, as
if he would find Bertholdt standing somewhere he couldn’t be seen easily, which
was absurd. Bertholdt had sprouted several inches in the past few months,
making him impossible to miss.
“I thought he’d be with you. His mom said she hasn’t seen him around today.”
Berik’s expression grew thoughtful. He was quiet for a moment, thinking, then
suggested, “Let’s go look for him, then. It might be something serious.”
Berik reminded Reiner of an adult, even though his thirteenth birthday wasn’t
for another seven months: he always assumed the worst case scenario. Reiner
liked that about him. It made him more reliable than Reiner’s brothers, who
thought everything was a joke to laugh at.
There were maybe two hundred people in the village, dispersed throughout fifty
or so houses. The center of the village was cramped, and further out were
houses like Reiner and Berik’s, situated along thin, winding pathways that led
off into the wilderness. It took them all morning to ask around and see if
anyone knew where Bertholdt had gone. When that proved fruitless they went to
the stables, then the biggest creek. When lunchtime came around and they still
hadn’t found Bertholdt, Reiner started getting nervous.
They ate at Berik’s house in silence. Berik rolled up some leftovers in a cloth
and stuck it in his pocket to give to Bertholdt when—not if, he insisted—they
found him. At this point Berik looked a little irritable, though whether it was
because of his own failure to find Bertholdt or because Bertholdt had run off
in the first place, Reiner didn’t know. It was an odd expression for Berik.
He’d been calm and easy-going as a child, and after presenting as a beta he’d
become, if possible, even more patient. He frowned as they stood side by side
on the porch, squinting against the glare of the sun.
“I think I know what might have happened,” he said, setting off without
elaborating. When Reiner made to follow after him he waved him toward a
different direction. “We can cover more ground if we split up. Why don’t you go
check down south and I’ll check the north?”
“Sure thing,” Reiner said. He doubted Bertholdt would be hiding out in the
forest in this kind of weather, but at this point he’d look anywhere. He
wandered around for a couple of hours, sometimes venturing off the trail and
even looking up into the trees as if hoping to see Bertholdt perched up there.
At one point he came across a little blonde girl he saw around the village
sometimes whose name he remembered was Annie. She was dressed in three layers
of clothes patched from animal furs that made her look like the tiniest bear in
the valley.
He snorted so loudly at the thought that she looked over at him, something she
didn’t normally do. Whenever he’d come across her sparring before she would
always ignore him. As it was she spared him just a short glance before going
back to punching a dummy made out of old clothes and some damp straw.
“Hey,” Reiner called, trudging over to her. “Have you seen Bertholdt around?
About yea tall—“ He stretched up on his toes and held his hand up a few inches
above his head. “— big nose, always with me?”
“He went by my house this morning at the crack of dawn,” she said begrudgingly,
settling back into a stance. She did seem like the type who’d be up and about
earlier than should be allowed. “Ran off into the woods still in his pajamas.”
Annie, if Reiner remembered right, lived somewhere in the northernmost part of
the village. Reiner thanked her and sprinted off. He was sweating by the time
he reached the main cluster again. Their village wasn’t all that big, but it
was spread out so much that it took forever to get from one end to the other,
especially for someone like him. His whole family leaned toward the sturdy,
robust side; they were built for strength and endurance, not speed.
He was dripping in sweat when he reached Annie’s house, but he pushed on,
wishing desperately that he would go ahead and present as an alpha so he could
be more attuned to people’s scents. It was a unanimous belief that that was
what he’d turn out to be when the time came. He had most of the usual traits,
his parents liked to point out, most prominent among them his compassion.
Though, he thought as he slowed down to catch his breath, that didn’t
necessarily mean anything. His brothers had as much compassion as a pile of
rocks, and they were all alphas.
There was an odd scent on the wind that confused him when he first caught wind
of it. It was so faint that it was intriguing, and he lost it two or three
times trying to follow it. When he managed to catch hold of it and follow it up
a slope, it grew stronger. It raised the hairs along the back of his neck. When
he crested the slope he stopped and looked around. There were three
dilapidated, half-built cabins, covered in snow and dead vegetation. The breeze
picked up again and this time, underneath the overpowering presence of the new
smell, was Berik’s scent.
Reiner trudged forward through the snow and approached a barrel alongside one
of the little cabins, his heart thudding harder the closer he got. That was
Bertholdt’s scent, he realized distantly, but something was off.
“Berik,” he called. No response. Louder, he repeated, “Berik! Is that you? Hey,
Berik—”
He hoisted himself up over the edge of the barrel, eyes widening. There was
Berik and Bertholdt huddled together in the barrel. Bertholdt tilted his head
back and met his eyes for a brief moment before Berik launched himself upward
and knocked Reiner flat on his back. Reiner was stunned. Berik had never hit
him before, had never gotten angry with him. He hadn’t even done anything to
warrant being pushed.
“What—ouch! Berik, get off of me!” Berik was smaller, but he held Reiner down
with an unnatural strength. He didn’t let up no matter how hard Reiner
squirmed. He hadn’t gotten much more than a glimpse of Bertholdt and there was
obviously something wrong. He caught his breath and asked, “What’s happened to
Bertholdt?”
“Go away,” Berik said in a harsh, warning tone. He got to his feet and tensed
when Reiner sat up and tried to go back to the barrel.
“What’s happened to Bertholdt?” he asked again, his words rushing out in a
sharp exhale when Berik pushed him again. Bertholdt’s scent was thick and
cloying, laden with fear. Reiner sat in the snow, his chest aching where Berik
had pushed him, and felt incredibly helpless. “Is he hurt?”
Berik backed up a step, glaring. “He’s in heat right now and you don’t need to
be near him. Go.”
Reiner gaped. No one, least of all Berik, had ever before told him he couldn’t
be near Bertholdt. “But—”
“Go!” Berik snarled.
Reiner continued to sit for another minute or two, trying to come to grips with
the fact that Bertholdt—tall, gangly, quiet Bertholdt—was an omega. In Reiner’s
view, he was simply too timid to be an omega. By nature they tended to be
independent, stubborn, and a little reckless, everything Bertholdt wasn’t.
Berik didn’t touch Reiner again, though he stood guard in front of the barrel
and glared at Reiner until he managed to upright himself. He turned and went
back into the woods, his legs heavy and his head spinning.
He wasn’t allowed to visit Bertholdt while he was in heat, even though Berik,
being a beta, was, so he spent the next week by himself. His brothers refrained
from teasing him about being alone too much, which just made him feel worse.
Six days later, he was sulking in the main room when someone knocked on the
front door. He heard his father go answer it, his footsteps heavy and making
the floorboards creak. He spoke quietly with whoever had come to call, then his
footsteps grew louder and he poked his head through the doorway.
“Reiner, son,” he said, “there’s someone here to see you.”
Reiner unearthed himself from the pile of blankets and hoped for one desperate
moment that it was Berik or Bertholdt or perhaps both of them, but instead
three ancient, decrepit elders filed into the room, their footsteps uneven and
so light the floors didn’t creak under their weight. They reminded Reiner of
the cabins up in the north; their faces were wrinkled and weather-beaten. When
they pulled down their hoods he could see one was bald save for a sad tuft of
silvery white hair at his left temple, one was missing most of her teeth, and
one had intense black eyes that made Reiner feel as if he were staring down
into a bottomless well.
Reiner knew the rumors about the elders, of course, but he didn’t know which
rumors, if any of them, were true. He knew it was said that the black-eyed one
could see the future, that the toothless one could bring dead things back to
life, and that the bald one could change his form and become a monster.
It was rare for anyone except for a select few to meet with the elders, even
rarer for the elders to leave their home and visit someone else. They were over
a century old, the last living three of a group of over forty who had first
established the village all that time ago.
The bald one raised a trembling hand and shooed Reiner’s father away. He shut
the door behind him, leaving Reiner alone with three old, smelly strangers.
They seated themselves in chairs and said nothing for several long,
uncomfortable minutes. Reiner sat up straight and waited.
“What are you, boy?” the toothless one asked. Her voice was hoarse and hardly
louder than a whisper. When Reiner looked at her, confused, she clarified,
“Your class. Are you a beta or . . . ?”
“I’m an alpha,” he said immediately. “Well, I haven’t presented yet but I think
that’s what I’ll be.”
To his amazement, the black-eyed one smiled. “I think so, too. I can tell these
things.”
“Bertram also predicted your friend would be an omega. But considering an omega
hasn’t been born to us in almost thirty years, it was bound to happen soon,”
the toothless one added, pursing her wizened lips. “Nonetheless he makes sure
to inform us that he was right every chance he gets.” She made some kind of
soft, wheezing noise that might have been a sigh.
Reiner nodded to be polite and clutched at the blankets.
They fell silent for several more minutes, for the most part staring at him.
Once or twice one would turn their head and murmur to the other two about
something in a voice too quiet for him to hear. Whatever they were talking
about, they seemed to disagree on. Finally the toothless one burst out as loud
as her failing voice would allow, “We aren’t sure about that!”
“You aren’t sure, Idunn,” Bertram replied calmly, facing Reiner again with that
same small, reassured smile. “But as for me, I am certain.”
Finally the bald one spoke. “We have no choice.” With that, he too looked at
Reiner. His eyes weren’t as void as Bertram’s, but there was something about
his harsh, swarthy face that was twice as frightening. He seemed almost to be
more beast than man, despite his lack of hair. “We have a favor to ask of you,
Reiner. Or rather, a mission. You won’t have to do it alone. If Bertram is
right—which he usually is, if you twist circumstances enough in his favor—then
you will indeed present as an alpha, and therefore complete the trio we need.”
He gestured again with his hand, too weak to do more than raise it an inch or
so above his knee, and indicated his companions. “We are also a trio of alpha—”
He waved vaguely at Idunn. “—beta” He strained to point at Bertram. “—and
omega.” He dropped his hand back in his lap. “For our kind, three is the ideal
unit. It strengthens us. And for the task ahead of you, you will need strength
in excess.”
Reiner understood little of what they were talking about. He said nothing and
waited to see if they would explain some more. They merely stared at him. After
a few minutes of that he asked hesitantly, “What do you want me—us—to do?”
“We need you,” the bald one corrected, “to leave the village.”
Leave the village—Reiner wasn’t sure if the idea were more frightening or
exciting. It was a game among the children of the village to dare one another
to venture farther than the stretches of the mountain, but of course it was
never carried out. The mountains were too big. The idea of there being flat
land beyond the mountains was little more than speculation.
Idunn spoke again. “Bertram has had visions of a future where we can all leave
the village and be free to explore as we did so long ago.” Her feeble voice
grew even softer. “I remember the fields—I was even younger than you are. There
were no walls or mountains, only prairies where I grew up.”
Reiner didn’t know what a prairie was, but Idunn looked so sad that he was
afraid to ask. Something about her words nagged at the back of his mind.
“Weren’t you forced to leave because there were monsters?” he asked. When they
all nodded gravely he said, “But—but that’s just nonsense! That’s the kind of
stuff my brothers tell me so I’ll be scared of going out into the woods at
night. It’s just a story.”
“Oh, no,” Bertram said. “No, when I was a boy your age my village was attacked
by these monsters. They eat people. Perhaps what makes them even more
horrifying is the fact that they look just like us. They’re like humans, but
bigger. They are giants.”
Reiner’s mouth fell open. Bertram continued his story, sounding almost happy to
have an audience. “In those days the gods interacted with us more freely and it
was not impossible for one or two of us to display, ah, gifts. Or curses,
depending on what you and your peers thought of them.” He smiled again, and
this time there was no humor. “I predicted my own village’s demise, of course.
They came in the form of nightmares. No one took me seriously, so I set off
alone before the giants came. I wandered for many weeks before I was taken in
by Idunn’s clan.”
“We traveled the prairies,” she said wistfully. “We could live wherever we
wanted to, free to roam.”
“I tried to warn her people when I had more visions, and they kicked me out,”
Bertram went on. “I managed to convince her to come with me, however. And after
many years of wandering we found Siegmund.”
The bald one grunted. “I know you’ve heard the stories, boy,” he said. “What do
you think I can do, based on what you’ve heard?”
Reiner pulled the blankets around himself again and eyed Siegmund. “I’ve always
heard that you can . . . you can change your form.”
“Into what?” Siegmund demanded. When Reiner shrugged he said impatiently, “I
was once a giant. A hulking, man-eating monster. Before that I was a boy. When
I was a giant I tried to devour Idunn, and when she touched me I became a human
again. More specifically, I became a child again. I am older than these
mountains, boy. She returned me to what I once was and in the process gave me a
gift of my own. I can change back. I am the bridge between man and monster. But
I’m old, boy. Bertram can tell you my time grows short. He can also tell you
that in order to save our people my powers must be carried on. And I’ve chosen
you for that purpose, you and your beta friend and the omega boy.”
Siegmund’s wrinkled face was beaded with sweat by the time he finished
speaking. He dabbed at his bald head with his sleeve. Idunn continued in his
place. “I met another gifted child during my travels, though at the time I
didn’t realize it. He was only a baby. When I saw him again he had also become
a monster, though Bertram has seen he has not been a monster for quite some
time. We need you to find him and bring him back. His gift may very well save
us all.”
Reiner had no idea what to say to any of this. There were so many questions
crowding his mind that he didn’t know which to voice first. He looked from one
elder to the next. “What is his gift?”
“Will,” Bertram replied. “He can impose his will on other beings. Idunn’s touch
could very well revert the other giants to their natural state, but she’d just
as soon get killed or eaten or both trying to do it. She has to touch them in a
very specific place.” He tilted his head back and indicated the lump at the
front of his throat. “We should be thankful that Siegmund was so small and
slow, and that I was blessed with the foresight of his weak spot—”
“Shut up,” Siegmund grumbled.
“We think that we can use this other child’s gift to revert the giants back to
humans,” Betram said. “Unfortunately my sight has become weaker in my old age,
and I don’t know if this endeavor will be successful or not. I do know that it
must be undertaken by a trinity, and as the three of us grow closer to our
final days I’m afraid we are ineligible.”
“Can’t she just touch you again?” Reiner asked. Idunn gave an offended sniff.
“My touch only works on a person once,” she said stiffly. “Bertram and I were
already adults when we met Siegmund. I pared us down to Siegmund’s age so we
could grow old again together. I can’t stall our deaths any further.”
There was a knock at the door. It opened without waiting for a reply and one of
Reiner’s brothers peered in.
“You attendants tracked you down,” he said. “Dad asks if you’ll leave before
they kick down the door.”
“Blast,” Siegmund said. “Bertram, why didn’t you say anything? We could have
left before they found us. It’s been too long since I’ve seen the snow.”
“My visions come to me as they please, my old friend. I can’t conjure the
future up on a whim.”
“Besides, you’ll get pneumonia if you stay in the snow any longer,” Idunn said.
“We need you to stay around long enough to bless the boy.”
Siegmund groaned and gestured for Reiner to come close. Reiner untangled
himself from the blankets and walked to him. “Turn around,” he said gruffly.
Reiner turned. “Get on your knees, I can’t reach that far.”
Reiner sank to his knees. He nearly jumped when he felt Siegmund’s shaking
hands on the back of his neck. Without warning, the old man bit him so hard it
felt like he was trying to rip Reiner’s flesh apart. Reiner cried out and
pushed him away, scrabbling forward across the floor.
When he whirled back around, his heart racing, he saw that Bertram and Idunn
had caught Siegmund before he could fall over. There was a little bit of blood
on the old man’s pale lips, but not enough to suggest he’d bitten Reiner with
the intention of tearing off his flesh. He grinned. “There you have it, boy.
The power is yours. Once you’ve recovered I’ll show you how to use it, but no
more today. I need to rest.”
Bertram and Idunn helped him pull his hood up, then led the way out of the
room. Reiner’s brother stood aside so they could pass. Once the door had shut,
he looked at Reiner. “Did that old fart just bite you?”
Reiner was going to nod, but his head was spinning so fast that it hurt to
move. He tried to stand and felt his legs give way almost immediately. When he
hit the floor he felt something warm and wet and realized that he must have
vomited.
- - -
He came to quite suddenly and found himself lying on a bed. That was his first
indication that something wasn’t right; his family didn’t own a bed. He blinked
blearily, trying to get his vision to come into focus. He tried to say
something but his jaw was even less cooperative than his eyes. He began to
flail around in a panic when a familiar voice said, “Reiner, no, you’ve knocked
the water over, I just filled that up . . .”
“Burdolt,” he groaned.
Yes, those were definitely Bertholdt’s hands on his face. He was trying to
maneuver Reiner’s mouth open so he could help him drink the water, but Reiner
was so worked up at being reunited that it wasn’t working very well. What
little water was left dribbled all over Reiner’s face and ran into his nose.
“Reiner, honestly,” Bertholdt said over Reiner’s spluttering. He rubbed all
over Reiner’s face with a scratchy rag. By this point Reiner could see more
clearly. He squinted up at Bertholdt and gave him a once over. Bertholdt had
dark bags under his eyes and he looked exhausted, but his scent was back to
normal and when he noticed Reiner staring at him he gave Reiner a small,
hesitant smile. “I’m fine. I hope you are, too.”
“M’fine,” Reiner said, though he didn’t feel like it. His neck ached where
Siegmund had bitten him and his head ached as he tried to think about all the
things they’d told him. “Bert, have you . . . ever wanted to leave the village
. . . ?”
“No,” Bertholdt said at once. “Of course not.”
Reiner met his eyes. “Well, let’s say that I had to leave. And I didn’t have a
choice. And I probably wouldn’t come back . . . would you go with me?”
“Yes,” Bertholdt said, not even biting his lip or pulling his legs to his chest
like he always did when he needed time to think. “Of course.”
“Bert,” Reiner said.
“Hm?”
“I think I’m going to throw up again . . .”
Bertholdt sprang to his feet and ran off, saying something about going to get a
bucket. Reiner watched him go. His neck throbbed when he tried to turn his neck
too hard. If it weren’t for that he might have thought his meeting with the
elders had just been some far-fetched dream. When Bertholdt return with a
shallow pan Reiner asked him where Berik was.
Bertholdt fumbled the pan. “He was summoned by the elders,” he said, catching
the pan. “I don’t know what for, but they showed up here yesterday. We were
both looking after you, your family said it would be easier in a house with
less people.”
“If he comes back with a bite on his neck then they’ll take you off next and
tell you what they told me.”
“A what?” Bertholdt said.
“Maybe I can tell you now,” Reiner mused, patting the blankets. Bertholdt
settled down beside him, looking confused. “Right, where should I even start .
. . okay, so you know all those rumors about the elders and how they can do
freaky things?”
Bertholdt nodded.
“They’re true,” Reiner said. “Those stories about what’s outside the village
we’ve been told? They’re all true, too.”
-
“That’s a load of bullshit,” Ymir said contemptuously. Her chains clinked
together as she stretched out her legs.
“It’s true,” Reiner said. “Why else do you think eating Berik allowed you to
become human again? You must have ingested his powers or something. It’s the
only reason I can think of.”
She didn’t reply to that, only frowned. Being in a cell with Ymir hadn’t been
completely pleasant—it depended on what kind of mood they were both in—but over
the past few days they’d bonded, if only a little. “So these old geezers in
your village had the bright idea to save your people by wiping out everyone
else using the same monsters that were terrorizing them? I’m not following that
logic.”
“Well, that’s what they told us,” Reiner muttered, wishing he could lower his
arms, which were chained up to the wall above his head. “They told us a lot of
things so we’d come here. They even . . .” He swallowed. “They even told us
after Berik died that they’d predicted it. They let him go down the mountain
with us even though they knew it would happen.”
At that Ymir totally lost it. “So they let the boy go down even though they
knew I’d eat him and then they want to hunt me for ‘stealing’ his powers?” she
snarled. “Why the hell didn’t they just pick someone different to begin with?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know,” she repeated derisively. “If I were you I wouldn’t want to go
back, not after what they’ve done to you.”
“We have to go back, Ymir. It’s our home. It’s our way.” He lowered his head.
“. . . I’m scared of them.”
Ymir snorted, but her next words didn’t have quite as much heat. “They couldn’t
get to you here, Reiner, not if they’re as old as you say. You and Bert and
Annie should’ve just come here and lived how you wanted to.”
“At the time all I wanted was to do what they said,” he said quietly.
“I take it that’s not the case anymore. So, what do you want to do now,
Reiner?”
He didn't even have to think about it. “I want to see Bertholdt.”
Not a day later the guards returned and took him out of Ymir’s cell. He noticed
that Corporal Levi wasn’t among them, which struck him as odd. He also noticed
that they were taking him to yet another new cell, this one large and dim and
smelling like an omega in heat. They shoved him through the door and pulled it
shut behind them; unlike the other cells, the walls here were made of stone and
the door was made of solid wood. The only way anyone could see them was if they
looked through the small window in the door, and by the sound of footsteps
Reiner figured he didn’t have to worry about that.
Talking with Ymir had reminded him of many things. He had a duty, not to the
village, not to the mission, but to Bertholdt and Annie and, he supposed, Ymir.
After all, alphas were supposed to be considerate of others’ needs. He went to
where Bertholdt was curled against the far wall, radiating desire and pain and
loneliness, and touched his sweat-damp hair. Bertholdt didn’t move into his
touch. Instead he shied away and mumbled, “Not again, Reiner, I can’t.”
“You won’t,” Reiner said. He sat down beside Bertholdt and gently held him in
his arms. Bertholdt held tight to his shoulders and pressed his cheek against
Reiner’s collarbones. “I won’t. Not now.”
“I’m tired, Reiner,” Bertholdt went on. “I don’t even want to go back to how
things were. We can’t, not after all of this. I just want—I want something
different. Something new.”
“Have you noticed something about the guards, Bertholdt? They don’t really
guard us anymore.” A primal part of Reiner’s mind was straining. Bertholdt’s
smell brought back memories of that winter day that had changed everything. He
wasn’t a beast, though, he was a man (a boy, another part of his mind said,
just a stupid little boy, weren’t they both?). He wasn’t going to wait for
change to spring up on him this time; he was going to bring it about himself.
“When does your heat end?”
“In a couple of days . . . it’s almost over . . .”
“I think we should take advantage of this opportunity,” Reiner said quietly,
eyeing the door just in case a guard decided to peer in at the wrong moment. “I
think they need to be reminded of who we are, don’t you?”
He felt Bertholdt’s lips move into a smile against his skin. “Yeah,” he
whispered, lifting his head and meeting Reiner’s eyes just before a shudder
went through his body. For the first time in a long, long time he looked
certain.
Chapter End Notes
     fun fact: there are some continuity errors I need to go back and fix
     now that this chapter has come together, so if small details of the
     plot don't quite line up then rest assured that I'm going to fix
     them! Apart from major plot points like "Marion lies to Eren and
     Levi" or "Marion uses Bertholdt to lure Annie out of her crystal" or
     "hmm I haven't written about Reiner and Ymir as much as I want to" or
     "Levi tells Eren [spoiler] causing Eren to [SPOILER]" I don't really
     plan out what I'm doing. DON'T WRITE LIKE ME.
     another fun fact: this is a long-ass chapter because I'm super
     disgruntled that I haven't been able to update as often as I want to
     :v
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