Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/4234059.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Major_Character_Death, Rape/Non-Con,
      Underage
  Category:
      F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other
  Fandom:
      Warriors_-_Erin_Hunter
  Relationship:
      Bramblestar/Squirrelflight, Squirrelflight/Berrynose
  Character:
      Bramblestar_(Warriors), Squirrelflight_(Warriors), Lionblaze_(Warriors),
      Jayfeather_(Warriors), Dovewing_(Warriors), Ivypool_(Warriors), Dustpelt_
      (Warriors), Midnight_(Warriors), Purdy_(Warriors), Basically_everyone
      from_Warriors
  Additional Tags:
      Crack, Warriors_crack, Horrible_warriors_crack, probably_the_worst
      warriors_crack_but_does_that_stop_me, no, Drugs, catnip, Lots_of_Sex,
      Lots_of_Drugs, Badgers, Ghosts, Non-StarClan_Ghosts, Star_Cat, Star
      Dreams, pimps, Lots_of_Pimps, Offensive_as_fUCK, Sorry_Not_Sorry
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-06-29 Updated: 2016-04-20 Chapters: 4/? Words: 6835
****** Warriors: Pimps of the Forest ******
by SpoonWhisker
Summary
     a butiful ficz i writed one dae when i had a very inspirations
***** Some pimps *****
"SQUIRRELFLIGHT!" Bramblestar called for his deputy.
"For fucks sake, Bramblestar, what is it now?" Squirrelflight ran into the
leaders den with lots of annoy all over her face.
"I was wondering..." Bramblestar squinted loud and thoughtfully at the rocky
wall of his den.
"Yes?" Squirrelflight asked all super annoyed like.
"I was wondering if I should change ThunderClan's name because it kinda sucks
and I'm getting really fucking bored of the same thing every day and it's
annoying as fuck." Bramblestar confessed and kept squinting thoughtfully and he
swished his tail around like a flag. Or like a tail, since the clan cats didn't
really know what flags were.
Squirrelflight didn't say anything but she too started squinting thoughtfully
and loudly at the wall which she realized was covered in weird black and weird
green bugs. "What the fuck are those?" she asked with lots of confuse and
disgust all over her face.
"How does BrambleClan sound t'you? I mean Thunderstar named the clan after
himself right so why can't I be a self-absorbed prick too? Or maybe I should
name us.. hmmmmm" Bramblestar trailed off into his thoughts and swished the
bugs off the wall with his fluff flag tail. They got super pissed and started
trying to bite him but before they actually got through his fur he swished them
away with his swishy flag-like fluff tail.
"Brambs you fucking ignored my question you motherfucker" Squirrelflight hissed
n pissed at him.
"Don't fucking call me brambs or I'll legally rename you to Squirrelanus"
Bramblestar spit angrily. Saliva went everywhere, especially on Squirrelflight
which made her super mad and she hissed n pissed at the leader again.
"What are the bugs" Squirrelflight asked again, her voice filled with extreme
annoy.
"I D K maybe like ants or something but they're gone now so fuck off don't you
have deputy shit to do?" Bramblestar squinted at Squirrelflight and raised an
eyebrow.
"No I made that bitch Ivypool do it." Squirrelflight squinted back. "And what
the fuck does 'I D K' mean? Is that another one of your 'pimp ass leader shit
that's none of your fucking business you squirrel ass' kinda shit or what?"
Bramblestar gave her a look of super annoy and was all like nuh uh motherfucker
in her face. "I am your fucking leader you will bow to me no matter what it is
that I say, bitch."
Squirrelflight pissed but it missed Bramblestar and hit the wall and scattered
some more of the bugs that were slowly returning. "Anyways, what's up why did
you call me here?"
Bramblestar considered telling her why and dismissing her because he came up
with the fuckin greatest clan name fuckin ever but Squirrelflight smelled like
super good and Bramblestar was instantly aroused so he didn't dismiss her.
"Let's have sex" Bramblestar crouched and then pounced on Squirrelflight and
started fucking her with the force of a thousand cats.
"Why" Squirrelflight asked, but it was too late. She was pregnant now.
When Bramblestar removed himself from the other cat, his huge wiener was so red
and swollen it stretched and popped and blood and skin flew everywhere and he
screamed in pain and terror but hey at least he got Squirrelflight pregnant
right am I right. He would need to ask StarClan for a new wiener.
"Ugh Brambs I feel so goddamn fucking good but now that you lost your giant
dick I gotta find a better mate. Cya, Brambs" Squirrelflight left.
"But ur fucking pregnant u bitch I won't allow u to leave me I am leader all
hail Bramblestar" Bramblestar threw his red and bloody popped wienerskin at
her. And then he realized that the bitch had called him brambs again. Twice.
Which meant he would have to rename her. In fact, he also just thought of the
perfect name for their kit...
"All cats old enough to make kits except that motherfuckass Berrynose get your
pimp asses over to this here pimp ass rocky shit!" Bramblestar yelled so
fucking loudly and lots of cats gathered around. Berrynose frowned and then he
shit and flung the shit into the crowd. It landed on that bitch Icecloud who
was so extreme pissed she left to go throw the shit back at Berrynose. They
fought a lot.
"Guess what my motherfuckers!" He yelled with awesomeness.. "I have so many
announcements you're gonna lose your fucking shit!" He yelled. "First off, you
know how we've been called ThunderClan for like a million fucking years? Well
I'm done with that shit. From now on we're gonna be called PimpClan because we
have all the pimps amirite?" Bramblestar yelled all pimp like at the crowd.
Everyone cheered and screamed and yowled and started being their true pimp
selves. Several cats began partying like true pimps which made Bramblestar very
proud. Finally he would unleash the pimps on the other clans and turn the world
to the pimp lifestyle one cat at a time. Or several, who knows. Bramblestar
coughed very loudly. "I'm not done you fuckers. Squirrelflight, you are now
Squirrelanus and I'm prenaming your kit to Wienerkit! Heir to the throne of
pimpss" Squirrelanus frowned. "Wot if there are many kits"?? Bramblestar
frowned and squinted towards Purdy. "Tf r u lookin at" Squirrelanus squinted
also. Bramblestar nodded in Purdy's direction. Squirrelanus got it. They would
be Purdy feed.
Everyone cheered loudly and one cat raised their tail. "What the fuck's a
throne?" it was Cinderheart who asked the question.
"A sign of true pimpness of course, dumbass." Bramblestar replied instantly but
he didn't really know and Squirrelanus stuck her anus in Bramblestar's face. A
giant shit went into the tabby's mouth. Bramblestar tried to spit it out but
the shit was stuck in his pimp teeth now and he would have to wait until later
to get it all out.
Squirrelanus left to go hunt or something and Bramblestar, feeling
accomplished, went to go party with his pimps.
Lionblaze walked up to him all high like. "Hey Braaaaambs" he choked, obviously
super high on catnip. "Sup ma pimp ass fake dad?"
Bramblestar ignored the use of his nickname because it only bothered him when
Squirrelanus called him that for some reason and bro-pawed his fake son. "Yo,
Lionblaze, you know where to get that catnip shit?" he asked, realizing how
long it had really been since he'd last had any kind of catnip.
"Aw yea Brambs I got mine from ma bro bro Jayz" Lionblaze pointed his tail
towards the bush beside the medicine cat den.
"I knew he was hiding that shit somewhere" Bramblestar went over to the bush.
"Jayfucker get out and gimme some 'nip"
Jayfeather shyly peeked out of the bush and slowly creeped out. "P-pardon,
Bramble-chan?" he asked, a blush filling his face and he raised his huge tail
which was bigger than the rest of his body to shield him.
"Catnip. Jayz. Hello." Bramblestar waved a paw at the other cat.
"O-oh, r-r-right of c-course, Bramble-chan." Jayfeather stopped staring,
lowered his tail and sunk back into the bush to grab a bundle of catnip.
"H-here my senpai" he handed the huge super delicious smelling catnip bundle to
Bramblestar with his huge fluffy tail.
"Thanks, Jayz u da man" Bramblestar took it and held it with his strong pimp
tail. "And B T DUBS ur fuckin hawt Jayz bai" The leader galloped off into the
leader's den.
Jayfeather's face went so red and his tail bushed up so that it was incredibly
fluffy. He didn't know what 'B T DUBS' meant but this could be a sign. Maybe
his fantasies would come true! He would have to consult StarClan tonight.
Jayfeather dreamily sunk back into the bush, his thoughts only of the super
pimped out cat who he had once thought to be his father.
Bramble-Chan...
Bramblestar wasn't lying when he said Jayz was hawt. Especially with his huge
ass tail. Bramblestar was so into tail kink. And fluff kink. He wasn't even
sure if Jayz's tail was real I mean. Come the fuck on. Who has a tail that can
grow to like two times the size of their body when fluffed up. Bramblestar
chewed some of the catnip, but he spit it out because the taste was ruined by
the shit that was still stuck in his teeth, so Bramblestar went to go wash it
out. After he washed all of it out he ate more catnip and it was fantastic and
he wondered what it would be like to fuck Jayz but then remembered his dick
exploded and it would be a while before he would even try to contact StarClan
again after half of them decided to prank him and make him think he died a
whole fucking bunch so he wondered what it would be like for Jayz to fuck him
and cover him with that huge fluffy tail of his.
Bramblestar spent a long time chewing his catnip and slowly getting higher and
higher, in fact it nearly sundown or sunup or something he didn't know oh look
flying cats when suddenly some asshole decided to interrupt his beautiful
chewing session and his hallucinogenic high.
"Haay Braaambs....." Lionblaze but no it was a real lion went over and looked
at the catnip. "Wwwhoa you have smore whoa you pimp ass can I have some?.?.?"
Lionblaze moved around the catnip, tripping over his own paws and tail. and his
mane was all flowy like. Bramblestar knew he didn't have a mane but I guess now
he did. He was also a lot bigger which was impossible since Bramblestar's den
had a pretty low ceiling but now it was high enough for Lionblaze so whatever.
He considered giving catnip to Lionblaze but there wasn't much left. Although
who knew how much Lionblaze still had access to. What if this was now his only
source of catnip? Lionblaze was terrifying when completely sober ever since
Firestar died.
"Yo you are a pimp ass so I guess have some." Bramblestar said. But Lionblaze
wasn't that much of a pimp ass. Bramblestar was just afraid of what would
happen if wasn't high every second of his life.
Lionblaze took the catnip and left and Bramblestar's den shrunk back to it's
original size. The bugs were gone now, and Bramblestar slowly fell asleep to
the absence of bugs on the wall.
• • •
Bramblestar woke to Squirrelanus shouting his name all loudly like.
"For fucks sake, WHAT IS IT" Bramblestar yowled with the anger of a thousand
cats at her.
Squirrelanus ran around like a lil bitch screaming her squirrely anus off. "THE
KITS ARE COMING AH JAYZ HELP THEM OUT OF MY VAGINA!!"
Bramblestar looked at her like she was the dumbest cat in all the clans because
she actually was. "I only fucked you yesterday, bitch."
"O M S YOU'RE RIGHT" Squirrelanus slowed down and eventually stopped running.
"False alarm, y'all I'm just taking a shit." she stuck her ass out and groaned
loudly as a huge shit was forced out of her anus. It sunk back in a little, but
Squirrelanus's anus powers were too much for it and it eventually all came out.
There was only a little bit still stuck inside her asshole which she could feel
squishing around, but that was normal for any cat. She enjoyed feeling tiny
pieces of shit squish around at the edge of her asshole and carried on with her
life.
Bramblestar politely picked up the giant piece of shit and carried it out to
the secret fresh kill pile behind his den where Ivypool brought him the first
kills of the day every day and he picked out a nice robin. The dark tabby stuck
a paw inside the robin's throat, stretching it out, and once it was completely
stretched he forced the giant hard shit into it and carried the bird back to
his den.
"Squirrelanus!" he called for his mate. Squirrelanus appeared with confuse all
over her face. "Why are you bringing me food that's what mates do."
Bramblestar nodded at her with duh all over his face and pushed the robin
towards her. "Uh yeah how dumb are you, bae?"
"What the fuck brambs I'm with Berrynose now" she spat in his face, making
Bramblestar wince. "Only he calls me bae coz he's mah bae" She gave the leader
a face.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Bramblestar dropped into a sadness crouch and he wailed in agony
and flipped the stuffed bird at Squirrelanus before almost drowning in his own
pathetic sadness tears but he got up and ran away like a lil bitch.
He needed to stop this bullshit.
***** Many pimp *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Dovewing woke up to the sound of moaning coming from outside the warriors' den.
What the fuck she thought and tried to ignore it but it was pretty impossible
considering she started to recognize the moaning voices.
Ivypool? What the fuck no it's not Ivypool. NO one fucks my own sister but me!
Dovewing rolled her eyes and tried to fall asleep again but she recognized one
of the voices.
Dustpelt. Definitely. What the fuck that traitor betraying Ferncloud what the
fuck she just died what an asshole he said he'd never love anyone else.
Dovewing scrunched up her face in disgust and got up and stretched n shit and
went to go yell at Dustpelt for betraying his dead beloved.
The pimped out she-cat walked out of the warriors den like a fucking pimp and
followed the sound of the moaning. It sounded like a tom and a she-cat, but one
could never be sure. She crouched down and moved slowly towards the noise as
she could tell she was very close.
But she wasn't.
Dovewing was following the moaning for a long time until she reached the
WindClan border and then she was like what the fuck because why could she hear
it back at camp who knows.
The pimp could see Dustpelt's tail now. What a fucker. He doesn't deserve to be
in PimpClan.
Dovewing walked like a pimp right up to the cats.
"IVYPOOL?!" She yowled in surprise. It was Ivypool. Her own fucking sister what
the fuck.
Dovewing stared blankly at the two cats who continued fucking and moaning
because they didn't notice Dovewing yet. Even thought she had pretty much
screamed in their faces.
Ivypool was moaning super loud now, and cum started dripping from underneath
them. Ivypool was on her stomach and Dustpelt's stomach was pressed to her back
as his wiener went inside her and out so much. Dustpelt was digging his claws
into Ivypool's back and there were small trails of blood flowing over her
shoulders.
Dovewing was horrified at the scene. Now she was really going to kill Dustpelt.
"Not if I kill you first." Dustpelt opened his eyes at her and she saw so much
anger and hurt in those depression eyes.
Dovewing took a shaky step back and freaked out. What the fuck he's pissed oh
shit.
Dustpelt thrusted into Ivypool one more time and then pulled out his swollen
wiener and cummed all over the place and then he started walking towards
Dovewing.
Dovewing kept walking backwards to make it look like she was scared but in
reality that would be stupid because she was a pimp and pimps don't get scared
that easy come on.
The pimped out she-cat lashed out at Dustpelt with her claws of rage-filled
pimpness and slashed right through his shoulder.
Dustpelt hissed as blood trickled out of the wound, and he crouched for a brief
moment before leaping at her and tearing at her fur.
Dovewing meowed in pain but she was a pimp so she wasn't actually getting hurt
and she just waited it out until Dustpelt seemed satisfied with his work and
left her.
"Uh, hello bitch I'm not done with ur sorry ass." Dovewing sassed at the older
tom.
Dustpelt ignored her and went back to raping Ivypool without even looking at
Dovewing.
Ivypool's eyes were closed and she just happened to have a really bad cold so
she didn't smell or see Dovewing and she didn't even know that Dovewing was
there.
Dovewing went over to Dustpelt and took this as an opportunity to shit on him,
but the shit went RIGHT THROUGH HIM.
"HOLY SHIT!" Dovewing screamed. "IT'S GHOST SHIT!" she gasped loudly and
screamed again.
"That's right." A voice came from behind.
"Who you be, my pimp?" Dovewing regained her cool pimpness and raised a brow at
the strange catlike figure.
"I am- What the fuck you know who I am, bitch." Firestar stepped out of the
shadows.
Dovewing gasped all like whaaat. "FIRESTAR YOU'RE ALIVE?!?!?!"
"Das right. Ah I'm so happy to see my pimps finally express their true
pimpness. I could never lead a pimped out clan.. I'm so proud of Bramblestar
for making PimpClan complete." Firestar smiled and tilted his head until it
fell off but it just disappeared and reappeared where it belonged. "Anyways,
Dovewing, I'm here to tell you that you can't join StarClan."
Dovewing gave him a look of ur so dumb. "Uh I don't want to dumbass I'm not
even dead what are you stupid?"
"U do know ur powers are gone right?" Firestar asked with a look of even more
ur so dumb.
"Uh you do know all true pimps are invincible? Lionblaze was the immortal one
anyways bitch." Dovewing sassafrassed at him.
Firestar looked at her for a while and then shook his head. "ANYWAYS, ur dead
and u can't go to StarClan. You'll have to live as a ghost forever. This is
your punishment for being born with powers instead of Hollyleaf. Hollyleaf was
way cooler than you and all the cats in StarClan love her way more than you.
That's why you will be a ghost. So you can see how much we all hate your
fucking guts, Dovewing. Farewell, you motherfucking disgrace for a pimp. You
are no true pimp. You will burn in the ghost world. Fuck you." Firestar walked
away until he disappeared, leaving Dovewing behind with the two fucking cats
behind her.
Dovewing turned around and saw her body lying in a heap of blood and guts on
the ground. "FUCK HE WAS RIGHT I AM DEAD." She hissed and yowled and screamed n
shit until she remembered that the Dark Forest might still accept new members.
Especially after the battle. But that was what her sister was into, and
Dovewing was all like HELL NO I'm not stooping so low as to copy my sister
that's bullshit. She's bullshit I don't even know why I wanted to stop Dustpelt
from fucking her brains out. He can go ahead and wreck her sorry ass for all I
care.
Dovewing walked away like a fucking pimp, still curious as to why Ivypool and
Dustpelt were fucking so close to WindClan territory, but it was probably so
they could make the dumbass WindClaners so jealous of their awesome sex. But
Dovewing knew their sex wasn't awesome. She could find so much better at camp.
Then she realized something.
Holy SHIT now I can watch cats have sex all day and masturbate to it YES THIS
IS THE BEST!!!
Dovewing loved watching cats have sex as long as they didn't violate any of her
other rules like
no sisters fucking anyone other than me
no Dustpelts
no cat-eating bugs like the ones poisoning everyone back at camp
and basically anything involving badgers like that fucktard Midnight and her
gang of pedophiles.
Dovewing knew they were pedophiles. She just knew it.
The pimp-ass feline kept moving towards camp, her paws stepping all over the
ground so pimp-like and she walked with perfect posture for such a pimp. Even
as a ghost, Dovewing was the pimpiest of all warriors. Not just warriors- all
cats! Nobody could even think about challenging her, not even Firestar. He was
a fucking bitch who fucked the fucks of fucking fuck that fucking bitch what a
fucking loser asshole motherfucker.
Dovewing realized she was home now and walked through every cat but then she
was bored and tired but she couldn't sleep as a ghost for some weird reason. It
really pissed her off, so she then decided she would attempt to communicate
with these pimped out bastards through the moon pool shit.
"JAY Z" She yelled as high-powered and majestically and starlike as possible
but the med cat ignored her cries of notice me senpai and continued sorting
catnip from catmint.
Dovewing gathered as much power as she could and stuck the catnip pile with a
starlike paw and the catnip scattered everywhere. Holy shit I made it move what
the fuck am I the Star Cat??? Dovewing had come to the conclusion that StarClan
was ruled by a higher force which she called the Star Cat who decided when cats
enter StarClan, when they leave to be forgotten forever because nobody cares
about them anymore, and whether cats keep their memories when being reborn,
entering StarClan, leaving StarClan, or being born for the first time. She also
decided the Star Cat had the power to decide things like the color of a newborn
kit's coat, eyes, etc. and whether they're a pedophile or not, and whether they
like to literally fuck themselves, whether they dislike themselves for any
reason, whether they can breathe or not, whether they want to kill themselves,
whether they can see or smell n shit. Yes, the Star Cat decided all that. It
was like They got to customize every cat as soon as they were created. Dovewing
prayed to the Star Cat every night. She prayed to Them with hopes that someday
her sister would want to fuck her like she dreams every night, she prayed to
Them with wishes to become the next Star Cat, she prayed to Them for Dustpelt
to die. Especially after she saw her sister, who happens to be her FUTURE MATE,
banging him.
Dovewing watched the catnip scatter across the den and Jayfeather was all like
HOLY FUCK WHAT THE SHIT as he danced around the den like a motherfucker.
Dovewing rolled her eyes at his extremely un-pimplike behavior and swatted him
with her way pimpier tail. He freaked out at that too.
"HOLY SHIT WHO WAS THAT WHY ARE YOU STEALING MY CATNIP FUCK YOU GOD I- I JUST
WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE PLEASE DON'T RAPE ME AGAIN PLEASE PLEASE JUST TAKE THE
CATNIP AND LEAVE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE I CAN'T LOSE MY VIRGINITY
TO YOU AGAIN PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE PLEASE" Jayfeather started crying
uncontrollably and he flailed around all over the floor of the den and tears
went everywhere.
"Holy, shit Jayz." Dovewing star-talked. Jayfeather yelled some more and
screamed and flailed and he cried like a bitch. Dovewing knew cats liked to
tease Jayfeather and call him a fag every now and then but she didn't know they
would rape him. He only expressed his love for Bramblestar every day and night
by gathering brambles and praying to StarClan while eating the brambles and
screaming his wishes for Bramblestar to love him back in the middle of camp in
the middle of the night waking everyone up and making them hate him more each
day. Yeah, Jayfeather was a pretty huge fucktard. What a motherfucker. Dovewing
was now very mad at Jayfeather for being such a fucktard.
"You're a fucktard, Jayz." She spat at Jayfeather and left the den and the
wailing cat to his catnip shit and she went to go see how Squirrelanus was
doing.
"SQUIRRELANUS?" Dovewing poked her head into the nursery and star-yelled. She
got no reply. What the fuck was I thinking, why would she be in here after what
Purdy did to the other kits. And then she remembered. Oh yeah, Bramblestar
wanted Purdy to take all but one of her kits once they're born and then-
yeaahhh I forgot about that. Dovewing star-yelled for Squirrelanus again.
"What the fuck? Who's that?" came a voice from the darkness of the nursery.
Dovewing make a huge what the everloving fuck she knows my voice face but then
realized she probably sounded different through star-speak so she politely
scrambled down into the depths of the nursery cave and wandered around in
search of Squirrelanus.
"Squirrelanus where are you?" Dovewing whimpered into the darkness. The nursery
was still scary to her, even as a warrior. She remember when she was just a kit
and Purdy had tried to consume her and her sister after they turned two moons
old.
"Who are you, you sound like a badger!" Squirrelanus's voice reached Dovewing's
soft pimpy ears.
The prophecy cat was super turned off at this. "O M G HOW FUCKING DARE YOU
COMPARE ME TO A PEDO LIKE THEM HOLY SHIT" she screamed.
"Dovewing is that you?!" Squirrelanus yelled from her deeper position in the
nursery.
"UGH SQUIRRELANUS YOU FUCKING FUCK." Dovewing yelled with all the insult she
could muster into her star-voice. Being compared to a badger? A FUCKING BADGER?
BY HER BFF SQUIRRELANUS OF ALL PIMPED OUT FUCKS???
Squirrelanus walked into the light of the dying sun shining into the nursery.
"Dovewing what are you doing here?" she asked. "Aren't you supposed to be with
the badgers now anyways?"
"wot" Dovewing looked at Squirrelanus with the confuse of a thousand cats.
"Um yeah, don't you remember? Bramblestar? You? Clan meeting? Earlier today?"
Squirrelanus duh'd at her and Dovewing felt very stupid right now for not
knowing something that Squirrelanus knew.
"I've spent all day following rapists and dying, bitch," Dovewing hissed n
pissed at Squirrelanus. "I was at no such meeting. Not today, not ever. Now
kindly fuck the fuck off." Dovewing talked like Star Cat Themself because she
knew she was of higher pimposity than Squirrelanus, and anything Squirrelanus
said could be countered with a simple "fuck" from a pimp like Dovewing. But
still, Dovewing was polite since Squirrelanus had been her friend ever since
the ginger cat had saved her and Ivypool from Purdy. UGH, thinking of Ivypool
reminded Dovewing of earlier and she hissed n pissed in disgust.
Squirrelanus sympathetically pissed on Dovewing and rolled her eyes in apology.
"Dovewing, you were banned from PimpClan for not being pimpy enough anymore.
What are you doing here? AND WHY CAN'T I SEE YOU???"
Dovewing was freaked the fuck out. NOT PIMPY ENOUGH? HOLY SHIT. She was the
pIMPIEST OF ALL CATS. Saying otherwise was against the FUCKING WARRIOR CODE.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT SHE WAS SO MAD. SHE IGNORED SQUIRRELANUS'S LAST QUESTION AND
RAGEFULLY LEFT THE NURSERY.
I NEED TO GO SEE BRAMBLEFUCK. BRAMBS. HE HATES BEING CALLED BRAMBS. I'LL CALL
HIM BRAMBS FOR FUCKING EVER FOR THIS HE WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH IT HOLY STAR CAT
THAT FUCKING FUCK WILL PAY DOVEWING THOUGHT WILL THE RAGE OF A THOUSAND CATS
AND SHE STAR-STOMPED OVER TO THE LEADER'S DEN. CATS IN THE CAMP WERE CONFUSED
AS TO WHY THE GROUND WAS RUMBLING ALL OF A SUDDEN. THEY DIDN'T KNOW DOVEWING
WAS A GHOST AND THEY DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS PIMP ENOUGH TO STAR-STOMP. DOVEWING
SQUINTED AND HISSED N PISSED SUPER LOUD AT THE THOUGHT OF ANYONE THINKING OF
HER AS ANYTHING LESS THAN THE MOST PIMPED OUT CAT IN ALL OF HISTORY.
"BRAMBS!" SHE STAR-SCREAMED AT THE LEADER WHO WAS PASSED OUT WITH CATNIP ALL
OVER HIS FACE. BRAMBLESTAR INSTANTLY FREAKED THE FUCK OUT BUT HE CALMED DOWN
AND LOOKED AROUND WITH CONFUSE ALL OVER HIS FACE AS HE SAW NO CAT.
"BRAMBS YOU FUCKING FUCK WHY DID YOU BAN ME" DOVEWING SCREAMED WITH THE FORCE
OF A MILLION CATS AT THE FUCKTARD IN FRONT OF HER.
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" BRAMBLESTAR CALMLY SPOKE BACK TO HER AND WAS STILL
LOOKING AROUND FOR ANOTHER CAT. WHAT A STUPID FUCKER, HOW DID HE NOT REALIZE
THAT IT WAS DOVEWING. AND THAT SHE WAS A FUCKING GHOST. AND THAT SHE WAS SO
MUCH MORE OF A PIMP THAN HIM WHAT A FUCKING FUCKER HE HAD NO RIGHT TO EVEN
THINK ABOUT BANISHING HER.
DOVEWING'S RAGE BURNED SO MUCH SHE EXPLODED AND EVERYTHING TURNED INTO HER
BRIGHT GREEN CUM.
 
Dovewing woke to the sound of Squirrelanus screaming. It was something about
kits coming. She heard Bramblestar say something about only fucking her
yesterday and Squirrelanus took a shit or something. Dovewing blinked a few
times before she realized she was alive again. What the fucking fuck. She was
so fucking confused, but whatevs. She got up and didn't stretch because
stretching is for little non-pimp fuckers who needed someone to fuck them just
so they could breathe and then tear apart their own insides from the inside.
She poked her head outside and suddenly felt very weird.
Her eyes fell on Bramblestar. FUCKING FUCKER were her only thoughts as she
pimp-asslike rage walked towards her fucking nemesis.
"BRAMBLESTAR YOU FUCKER I'M NOT LEAVING YOU FUCK I'M SO MUCH MORE OF A PIMP
THAN YOU IT'S ILLEGAL TO BANISH ME SO DON'T EVEN TRY YOUR WORD ISN'T LAW YOU
KNOW WHAT IS? PROSTITUTES. PROSTITUTES ARE LAW THEY DO SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU OH
YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD I KNOW SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T EXIST IN THE CAT WORLD WELL
OH HO HO HO HO I KNOW MUCH MORE THAN YOU YOU FUCKER." Dovewing rage ranted at
him and pimp was all over her fur. So much that nobody could ever deny her
rights as a true pimp.
Bramblestar looked at her with so much confuse. "What the fuck. I never denied
your pimpness. Whats a prostitute???"
Dovewing hissed n pissed at the leader. "UH DID YOU FORGET WHAT JUST
HAPPENED??? (my mom's a prostitute remember??? thats how ivy and i were
born?????)"
But Bramblestar ignored her. He was too busy reminiscing on his past life as a
professional RiverClan prostitute. They did weird things like that. They also
had professional porn makers whatever the fuck that meant.
Dovewing got a realize in her mind at that fucking moment.
It was a dream.
NO, A VISION.
THE STAR CAT HAD GIVEN HER A FUCKING VISION.
Chapter End Notes
     I can't wait till I can look back at this as an adult.
      
     pffwhoamikiddingillneverbeanadult
***** Wiener *****
"Haaaaaai Jay-chan"
Jayfeather blinked a lot before realizing who was before him.
It was Leafpool.
Just kidding it was his one and only Bramble-chan.
Jayfeather squealed with all the desu in his heart and walked up to greet his
lover.
"B-Bramble-chan??" he squeaked out like a pathetic little field mouse. "Is it
really you???" he asked.
Bramblestar raised an eyebrow so high it exploded and left burn marks on
Bramblestar's forehead but they disappeared because Bramblestar was so
fabulous. The tabby reached down and whispered into Jayfeather's ear. "Jayz
please fuck me until your wiener explodes."
Jayfeather got really blushy but there was a problem. "But Bramble-chan I want
you to fuck me!"
He whined like a lil bitch.
"No, Jayz." Bramblestar shook his head like a pimp swags. "I am leader. You
will do as I say."
But Jayfeather didn't want his wiener to explode. "But B-B-BRAMBLE-CHAN WHY??"
Bramblestar squinted ferociously. "Because Squirrelflight popped my wiener."
 
Jayfeather woke up fucking terrified. "I HAVE TO KILL SQUIRRELFLIGHT!"
 
• •
 
Bramblestar was minding his own business and not at all stalking that fucker
Berrynose no not at all how could anyone possible even imagine that I mean- OH
MY FUCKING SILVERPELT DID HE JUST LICK HER?!?
Bramblestar had lots of rage. So much rage his wiener would be red and bursting
with wianger if he still had one.
"BERRYNAZ" BRAMBLESTAR YELLED LIKE PISSY ASS PIMP!
Berrynose was all like 'oh FUCK' and backed away from Squirrelanus immediately.
But then his eyes squinted super squints and he growled at Bramblestar.
"Dis ma bae now" he said. "You be leavin ma pimp. Dis ma bae"
Bramblestar was super duper mad at this and he hissed n pissed all over
Berrynose's sweet white ass.
"What the fuck Bramblestar you got piss in my asshole." Berrynose complained to
the leader, but it was no use. Bramblestar had already left. Berrynose was very
confused and he blinked a lot. Then he went back to making out with
Squirrelanus.
Bramblestar walked away like a pimp. I mean, of course that goes without saying
because he was the leader of motherfucking PimpClan. But he was walking away
like a pimp and then Jayfeather came from out of no where and crashed into him.
Jayfeather's super duper fluffy tail was everywhere and in Bramblestar's face
blockin his sight so he couldn't fucking see.
"JAYZ!" Bramblestar shouted like a boss. "THE FUCK MAN???" he screamed like a
motherfrickin bitch.
Jayfeather got up all embarrassed like. "BRAMBLE-CHAN I AM SORRY DO NOT RAPE ME
LIKE THE OTHERS HAVE!! or do..." Jayfeather seemed to be thinking so
Bramblestar pat the other cat's ass with a giant pimp ass paw.
Jayfeather's eyes widened to the site of wienerskins. "Aah B-Bramble-chan!!" he
seductively arched his back and moaned.
Bramblestar was super confused. He just pat Jayfeather's - oh. His ass. Right.
"Sorry Jayz I ain't got no wiener to fuck you with right now."
Jayfeather shrugged. "That doesn't mean we can't have sex... I MEAN IF YOU WANT
TO SENPAI" Jayfeather desu'd at his senpai.
Bramblestar was super turned off at the idea of having sex without his wiener.
His special lil buddy.. "I- GODDAMN IT JAYZ NO!"
Jayfeather frowned. "No? Ohh not here? Of course!" he smirked seductively.
"This is kinda... out in the open.. isn't it?" he whispered, slowly moving
closer and closer to his senpai.
"JAYZ." Bramblestar pushed the medicine cat away and ran off to the leader's
den.
Jayfeather sighed sadly and seductively pouted all the way to the moon pool
where he began to dig. He finished digging and pulled out... A STICK!
He threw the stick into the moon pool and began chanting something that sounded
like nothing.
Suddenly, a weird glowy figure appeared. It was Spottedleaf.
"Spottedleaf!" Jayfeather meowed. "O, Goddess of sex and sexual attraction.
Please help me!" he begged. Spottedleaf raised a brow as if to say 'go on..'
Jayfeather pouted seductively. "NO MATTER WHAT I DO BRAMBLE-CHAN WILL NOT LOVE
ME!!" he sobbed. "I NEED TO BE SEXY WITH HIM AND I NEED HIM TO SCREAM MY NAME
WHEN I COME!!!"
Spottedleaf shook her head sadly. "Bramblestar will never like you I'm afraid."
she meowed sadly. "He only likes sexy she-cats like me. I could easily seduce
him and fuck the fuck out of him. But YOU?" she was all like nono in
Jayfeather's face. "SORREH JAYZ HE WILL NEVAH BE YOURS. IN FACT, NO CAT WILL."
Jayfeather felt tears prick his eyes. It hurt because the tears were extremely
salty and stingy. This made him start crying a fuckton. "B-But!"
Spottedleaf turned into a fiery demon "NO YOU FUCK. STARCLAN HATES YOU AND YOUR
DESU SHIT. G T F O!" and she disappeared.
Jayfeather sobbed. "I JUST WANNA EAT SOME ASS!"
• •
"Yo what up bitch?"
Bramblestar blinked and turned around. It was Lionblaze.
"HOLY FUCK" Bramblestar yelled all startled like.
"C'mon Brambz, gimme dat catnip. I know you got it." Lionblaze said all
impatient like.
"U know I ran out like yesterday." Bramblestar scoffed all pimp like at his
fake son.
Lionblaze rolled his eyes and left like a lil bitch. "Whatevs I'll get some
from Jayz."
Bramblestar nodded. "Just watch out.. he's very horny today." but Lionblaze was
already gone. Whatever.
Bramblestar decided it was time to go reclaim his popped wiener. He snuck out
the back of his den and went through the super duper secret tunnel that lead to
the moon pool. It was dark when he got there. Well, it was dark the whole time.
Cats are nocturnal. Bramblestar frowned in super disappoint when he saw that
Jayfeather was there.
"BRAMBLE-CHAN!" Jayfeather sobbed and ran into Bramblestar.
Bramblestar pushed him down a cliff and went to go resurrect the Genicat, the
StarClan cat chosen to help mortals with their genitalia.
Bramblestar put his paw in the water and soaked it thoroughly. He then rubbed
his soaked paw all over his bloody crotch, wetting the dried blood so it
dripped down. A ghostly cat suddenly appeared. It was Goosefeather.
"I KNEW IT WAS YOU." Bramblestar hissed n pissed at Goosefeather.
"Yes." He croaked all slut like. "I am the Genicat. Now. What do you need."
Bramblestar rolled his eyes and pointed at his crotch. "Um hello?"
 
Goosefeather squinted at Bramblestar's bloody crotch and waved his paw.
Bramblestar looked at his crotch and.. his wiener was NOT there. The blood had
been cleaned away and his crotch was completely healed except his nee wiener
was a bright green. "THE FUCK." he said. But Goosefeather was already gone.
Bramblestar was very upset and he started to walk away super duper slow and sad
like. By the time he reached camp it was sun-high and everyone was dead. I mean
sleeping. Bramblestar flopped over in his mossy bed and picked up his old non
green wienerskin and looked at it sadly until he fell asleep with only one
thought on his mind. "Fuck I forgot to actually banish Berrynose fuuuck....."
• •
"HAHAHA ITS ALMOST COMPLETE." An evil sounding cat voice was all like.
"HAHAHA SOON HE WILL WALK ONCE MORE."
***** 420 speshul *****
Chapter Summary
     y did i ....
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
squirrelanus was going to the medicine cat den for a medicine and she wakled
along like a motherfukin pimp ass motherfuker. Her legs swayed and her tail
waggld as she walked towards the medcine cat den. She saw that BITCH
Bramblescramble sitting at the top of camp and singing to her.
"YO!" he shouted. Squirrelanus locked up at him. His eys were red veind and
green flashing and glowing all colorful n shit.
Squirranus was hypnatizzled but she was also not a dumbass so she clawde her
eys out to avoid further hypnatizzleation.
Brmablestar looked disappointed . probably.
shit. "well now i have to get my eys back ugh" Squirrelanus sighed and kept
wakled to the medicine cat den. She knew it was right in front of her.
Jayfeather was there. "O - ho ho!!!!" Jayfeather purr-screamed. "lookY lookety
LOCK!" he hissed happily and danced around.
Squirrelanus was SO MAD. "JAY Z" she hissed n pissed at her fake son. "u keep
doin that and ill FINISH WHAT I STARTED!"
Jayfetaher was confuzzled. "wot u mean??!"
Squirrelanus was pleas. "i meen i will mak the rest of u just as non funktional
as i mad ur eys"
JAYFEATHER HISSED N PISSED HE WAS SO MAD. "TA FUK U DID THAT TU ME??????????"
his animu eys cried giant animu tears.
"yes " squirrelanus said politely. "Now fix mien"
Jayfeather was quiet. then he gave her a piece of medicin. Litl did she know it
was. weed!!
"whatever. at least u will never take my eys completely."
Squirrelanus took the piece of medicin and left the medcine cat den. She went
to the nursery where the other queens were hangin and she brought her medcine
and sat down in her nest and ate it.
~~~•~~•~~•~~•~
"yAWN" squirrelanus woke up. It was the next day. Her belly was way bigger with
bereynoses kits. "YAY IM SO EXCITED TO HAVE THESE KITS AAAAYYYY" she danced
aroubd sprayig piss everywhere. All the other queens were very big and their
bellies were strecthed out so far they barely had the room to breathe.
"Yo u about to have ur kits!!!!" one of the queens screamed.
Suddenly there were kits. The queens were gone. The kits all scrambled for
squirrelanus's belly, their claws reaching out and scraping against the thick
belly pelt (or BELT LMAO HAHAHAHAHAH) of squirrelanus.
Squirrelanus defended herself by hissing and pissing at each and every one of
the tiny small kits. They hit the back wall of the nursery, dead.
Squirrelanus escaped the nursery, but when she exited the den there was no one
there. In the middle if the day there was no one in camp.
Squirrwlanus yowled but it came out a mere quAck and she was very frustrated.
So frustrated he trees started melting into the ground and the sky turned
bright red. Squirrelanus saw ashfur's
face in the skye and he was singing the same son bramblestar was sunging.
"OH MY GRATE!"
"SQUIRELY QUEEN"
"PLEASE COME BACKKK TO ME"
squireleanus snorted and her snot flew out of her nose and hit ashfur who
flashed red for a sexond.
"U CAN CALL ME BRAMBS"
"I LOVE U"
"UR ASS IS SO TIGHT AFTER SHITTIN"
Squirrelanus blushed a lil bit and the trees started dancing to the song.
"IM SORRI MY DICK EXPLODED.."
"I GOT IT BACK BRAND NEW"
"NOW U CAN FUCK ME"
"AND I CAN FUCK U <3"
Squirrelanus relaised the face had turned back into brambs while he was
singing.
"SQURELANUS" he wasnt singing anymor
squirrelanus blushed a lot.
"WILL U"
she blusehd ..
"SMOKE THE MARIJIWANA" WITH ME?" brambs finsiehd his proposeal.
Squirelanus crid a lot
Brmablestar handed her a blunt. He was next to her now.
She smoked the best marijiwnana evr with her brambz.
Chapter End Notes
     im sorry lol
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