Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/13646301.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Block_B, B.A.P
  Relationship:
      Bang_Yongguk/Woo_Jiho_|_Zico, Jung_Hanhae/Woo_Jiho_|_Zico, Bang_Yongguk/
      Jung_Daehyun, Woo_Jiho_|_Zico/Others, Bangco, ZiBang
  Character:
      Bang_Yongguk, Woo_Jiho_|_Zico, Park_Kyung, Natasha_Bang, Lee_Taeil, Jung
      Daehyun, Kim_Himchan, Lee_Minhyuk_|_B-Bomb, Kim_Yukwon_|_U-Kwon, Ahn
      Jaehyo, Pyo_Jihoon_|_P.O., Woo_Taewoon_|_₩uNo, Bang_Yongnam, Choi_Junhong
      |_Zelo, Park_Jaebeom_|_Jay_Park
  Additional Tags:
      bipolar!Yongguk, Bipolar_Disorder, Depression, depressed!Zico, Dubious
      Consent, Self-Harm, Alcohol_Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst_with_a_Happy
      Ending, Grooming, BlockBAP, abused!Zico, Slow_Burn, Bangco_-_Freeform,
      bottom!Zico, Bottom!Yongguk, sometime_later, Daehyun_is_a_bit_of_an
      asshole_I'm_sorry, Taewoon_and_Hanhae_are_so_much_worse_tho, Dry_Humping,
      Accidental_Sexting, Fisting, apparently, Rimming
  Stats:
      Published: 2018-02-11 Completed: 2018-03-23 Chapters: 6/6 Words: 27320
****** Until we can't anymore ******
by Drago
Summary
     Yongguk finds Jiho by the Han river, and the younger man keeps coming
     back.
     Now finished!
Notes
     I love Zico and Yongguk, and somehow they make sense together. None
     of the bad stuff happens between Bangco, but please read the
     warnings. Bang is bipolar in this fic, Zico is depressed and has some
     unhealthy coping mechanisms.
      
     BlockBAP is a thing.
See the end of the work for more notes
***** Chapter 1 *****
Yongguk likes to go out late at night because at night, even Seoul is quiet and
peaceful. Days are hard for him, the hustle and bustle of the outside world is
bad enough, but combined with the noise inside his head, it drives him mad.
Mad, that’s a nice one.
He rarely sees other people during his late night walks, sometimes a drunken
group of college students stumbles by his favorite bench, ignoring him
completely, just the way he prefers it. He has his own bench. Well, it’s not
his per se, but if he is the only person claiming it at three in the morning,
then it might as well be. It’s the perfect spot to look at the Han river with
nothing obstructing the view. Sometimes, it takes only fifteen minutes to calm
him down. And sometimes, the sky starts to slowly turn yellow, and his mind is
still a mess.
Tonight, he almost feels normal. The doctor started him on a new dose of
medication and gave him a different mood stabilizer, which already seems to be
working better than the previous one, that not only made him nauseous, but also
didn’t help much with the mood swings. Tonight, he might be able to sleep a bit
longer.
Just as he thinks about it, someone suddenly appears, a bright creature
emerging from the darkness. For a second, he is irrationally scared, but then
he realizes that it’s just a man with pale skin and bright, yellow hair. A
rather unusual choice. Then again, there are so many kids trying to make it in
the showbusiness that he shouldn’t be surprised anymore.
The man is obviously very drunk and isn’t wearing a coat which, in this
weather, is simply foolish. Maybe he had one before, maybe he lost it. Yongguk
is used to rowdy groups, not shivering, drunk men walking with great
difficulty. He doesn’t particularly want to do anything, but the man is moving
suspiciously close to the river, and it’s not something he can ignore.
He jumps off the bench and slowly, to avoid startling the stranger, moves
closer to the man. With every step, he can see his face better, and it seems
oddly familiar. When he is within arm’s reach, he realizes that he is about to
help Zico from Block B. It takes him a second to remember the boy’s real name.
Woo Jiho, right, they’ve met more than once in the past. They even talked,
which isn’t as common as their fans think. Usually, each group just keeps to
itself and smiles at other idols if the cameras are around to capture it.
“Hey,” he says softly, and when Jiho looks up, Yongguk almost takes a step
back. He forgot that the other man was younger, but he can definitely see it
when Jiho looks at him with eyes wide open and a lost look on his face. His
lips are bright red, probably from the cold. Or maybe it’s the alcohol he can
smell.
“Hi?”
“Do you need help? You seem a little… distracted.”
Jiho blinks at him like he can’t understand the question. Then he sways a
little, almost falling over. Yongguk’s hand shoots out, without his conscious
thought, to steady him. Jiho’s skin is ice cold and up-close, Yongguk can see
that there is a bluish tinge to it. He shrugs off his coat and puts it over
Jiho’s broad shoulders.
“Should I call someone for you?” he asks, but then decides it will be safer to
call a taxi. He doesn’t necessarily want to do it, but he already got involved,
so he might as well finish what he started. It would be easier if he could
drive, but as it is, he needs to ely on a taxi. “You know what, I will go with
you. Give me your address.”
Jiho shakes his head so hard that his whole body moves with the strength of it.
“No. No, no, no,” he repeats it few times before he tries to walk away. Yongguk
stops him easily, they are about the same height, but Jiho is so drunk that he
can barely stand. He also can’t help but notice how thin the other man is, much
thinner than what he remembers from their last meeting.
“Shh, it’s alright. Where do you want to go then? Is my flat okay?” It occurs
to him that Jiho probably doesn’t recognize him through the alcohol haze, if he
remembers him at all. “I’m Yongguk, from B.A.P.”
It doesn’t seem to register with the younger man, but he doesn’t struggle when
Yongguk leads him towards the house, one arm securely wrapped around Jiho’s
shoulders. They move slowly, and the walk that should take ten minutes tops,
takes them almost twenty. But he doesn’t want to rush the other man, who seems
worryingly fragile.
When they finally reach the flat, he has to untie Jiho’s sneakers for him and
take them off. He leads him to the bedroom and leaves there, before going to
the kitchen to grab some painkillers and a bottle of water.
What he sees after coming back gives him a stop. Jiho is kneeling on the bed
with pants lowered to his thighs, shoulders pressed to the bed. He is staring
at the nightstand and doesn’t react when Yongguk enters the room. It’s
disturbing, to say the least. He would have to be exceptionally thick not to
understand the implication, but he brushes it aside, simply because he doesn’t
want to think about. They aren’t even close, they definitely aren’t friends.
It’s a one-time thing.
He slides Jiho’s jeans all the way off and pushes, until the other man gets the
idea and turns around to lie on his back.
“Here, drink some water before you sleep.”
Jiho stares at him the whole time he drinks. After he is done, Yongguk takes
the bottle and covers him with a quilt.
He decides that a shower will do him good, so he goes to the bathroom and
washes off the weariness of the day. Jiho is either asleep or pretending to be
when he comes back, so he quickly puts on fresh underwear and, after a thought,
a t-shirt. He usually sleeps in his boxers, but he is not going to give up his
bed completely, it’s big enough to fit them both. He checks the pockets of
Jiho’s jeans, looking for the phone. It’s dead, so he plugs it in to charge.
Without too much hope, he turns it on, to maybe call or message someone, but
it’s password protected. Predictable, but there is always a small chance Jiho
is as stupid as some claim.
For some reason, instead of trying to fall asleep, he spends some time staring
at his unexpected guest. He blames it on the fact that it’s been a while since
anyone shared his bed, even in a completely innocent way. And Jiho is pleasant
to look at, but he doesn’t seem to be resting. He isn’t relaxed, Yongguk can
see how tense his muscles are, and he keeps making small, jerky movements,
whimpering every now and then.
He feels the need to soothe the younger man, but there are only couple ways he
can think of, and all of them would mean overstepping the boundaries of their
barely existent relationship. So he turns to the other side instead and goes to
sleep, ignoring the sounds of distress reaching his ears. It’s pretty easy when
you take as much medication as he does before going to bed.
He wakes up feeling energized, which is a pleasant surprise. Usually, he spends
at least fifteen minutes staring at the white ceiling, regretting growing up
and having adult responsibilities. He must have moved a lot during the night
because his face is right in front of Jiho’s, and his slightly elevated
heartbeat makes it obvious as to why he wasn’t dreading waking up. Affection
deprivation is a bitch. Put a pretty, too drunk to consent boy in his bed, and
he is already slightly captivated.
Instead of staring at the ceiling, he spends the same amount of time staring at
the sleeping man, who suddenly jolts out of sleep, sitting up and looking
around in panic. Yongguk stays still, like he would around a wild animal, not
wanting to aggravate Jiho further.
Finally, Jiho notices he has company and his eyes go impossibly big, before he
lifts the quilt. He appears even more surprised when he realizes that they are
both dressed. Not that it means anything.
“We didn’t,” Yongguk confirms, voice rough with sleep.
“Ah. I… I don’t know why I’m here.”
“I saw you by the river yesterday. You were really out of it, so I couldn’t
just leave you there. I wanted to drive you home, but you weren’t very
responsive. Your phone died, so I decided to bring you to my home. I apologize,
if that’s not what you would have preferred.”
“No, it’s not that. I’m sorry for being a nuisance, hyung,” Jiho lowers his
head in shame. It’s quite adorable how shy he is, probably because they are
basically strangers. He always seemed more confident on TV. Then again,
Yongguk’s TV persona is very different from his real life personality.
“Don’t worry about it, you were really well behaved. Didn’t throw up on
anything. Do you want to shower? I’ll lend you some clothes.”
Jiho finally gives him the tiniest of smiles, “Thank you.”
He decides to make breakfast while his guest showers. He has some beef soup he
cooked the other day, so he warms it up, takes out some rice and makes the
eggs. He is plating the food when Jiho joins him, skin slightly flushed from
the hot water. He already looks better, even if Yongguk’s clothes are somewhat
baggy on him. They are about the same height, but despite the broad shoulders,
Jiho is slimmer, so the t-shirt is loose on him. The pants fit a little better,
but they aren’t very flattering on him, definitely not something a fashion icon
would usually wear.
“Come, sit. I made food.”
“Hyung… you didn’t have to, I’m not very hungry.”
“Eat,” Yongguk orders instead of arguing with the younger man. His house, his
rules. He’s made some rather insensitive comments about weight before, and
people quickly made him realize how wrong he was. It’s not easy to have a
healthy attitude towards food when you are an idol. It might be the excuse, but
it’s true all the same.
Jiho digs into his eggs and drinks the soup with gusto, showing that he is far
hungrier than he was willing to let on. He probably wanted to skip breakfast
because of all the alcohol he’s had the night before.
“I’m really sorry about everything,” the younger man says after few minutes of
eating, more than half of his food gone.
“I already told you it’s fine. Just don’t make a habit of getting blindingly
drunk, someone else could have found you.”
“I know, I’m so...”
“Do you know who I am?” Yongguk interrupts him, not interested in hearing more
apologies. Jiho gives him a weird look, and he wonders if the other rapper
really thinks he has to know everyone in the business.
“Of course, Yongguk-hyung from B.A.P.”
“Good, at least you don’t go home with random men,” after he says that he
realizes that it might be a little too revealing, but the faint blush on Jiho’s
cheeks is far more telling. Yongguk has never heard any rumors about him, but
it might be because the younger man is extra careful.
Jiho leaves half an hour later, and he is left alone in a quiet apartment. It
never bothered him before, and it’s not like Jiho brought a lot of noise with
him, but it was nice to have someone else in his flat. He should probably call
one of his friends to come over to hang out, or maybe just go out himself,
rather than think so much about a stranger, but when he scrolls through the
contact list, he can’t find anyone he wants to call. Maybe his sister, but she
is too busy with her own life just to come and baby him. His finger hovers over
Junhong’s name, then moves towards Himchan’s number, but in the end, he puts
the phone away and picks up a book instead. It won’t question his motives. It
won’t make him anxious by asking uncomfortable questions.
It also doesn’t take his thoughts away from the younger rapper. He wishes he’s
had Jiho’s number, if only to stare at, maybe it would soothe him.
He has a busy schedule for the next few days, which he has a love-hate
relationship with. He doesn’t like being idle, but stress and pressure make him
anxious. It’s probably true for other B.A.P members too, but they don’t
struggle with the same disorder as he does. Not that he would want them too, he
wouldn’t wish that on his worst enemy.
At least he doesn’t think about Jiho. Or at least not as much as he would
otherwise, avoiding Zico is near impossible, between Block B and his solo
career the younger man he seems to be just about everywhere, and his voice is
so distinctive that Yongguk doesn’t even have to think about it, he just knows
that it’s Zico rapping. He finds himself nodding along to the song playing on
the radio, with Junhong doing the same.
He doesn’t expect to come home on Saturday evening to find Jiho sitting in
front of his door with a plastic bag on his lap. He scrambles to get up when he
sees Yongguk.
“Good evening, hyung,” Jiho says politely.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” he moves around the other man to open the door.
“I brought your clothes back, I washed them. I also brought you some sushi as a
thank you, the internet said you like it.”
“How long have you been waiting?”
“Maybe half an hour,” Jiho shifts and avoids looking at him, so he is probably
lying. “I would have called, but I forgot to ask for your number, and I figured
that asking someone to get it for me would be a bit creepy. Anyway, thank you
for everything, and I’m sorry for all the trouble.”
Jiho pushes the bag into his arms and quickly turns to leave, but Yongguk
catches him by the wrist, “Would you like to eat with me? I don’t like eating
alone.”
It’s a lie, just a week ago he was perfectly fine eating alone. Being alone.
It’s what he is used to. But now the younger man is here, and he doesn’t want
to let him go. He knows he shouldn’t be doing this, yet he still pulls Jiho
closer, not giving him a chance to object. He wouldn’t force the other man to
stay, but Jiho doesn’t really seem to be against it. He comes in, immediately
removing his coat and shoes, but waiting for Yongguk to show him the way, even
though he’s been inside already.
“We can eat in the living room. What do you want to drink? Tea? Coffee? Juice?”
“Tea is fine.”
“Alright, I’ll be right back.”
His hands shake a bit when he realizes that he forgot to ask what type of tea
Jiho wants. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is for him. There are so many to
choose from, and he knows next to nothing about the other rapper. He could ask,
but it would be weird now, so instead he opts for the plain green tea. It seems
like the safest choice.
When he goes back to the living room, he sees that Jiho opened the boxes
already. There is definitely enough food for two people. Jiho doesn’t say
anything when he pours the tea, but he is probably too polite to say anything,
even if he does hate green tea.
Yongguk isn’t very talkative, usually, but he feels the need to fill the
silence. He got the impression, from what he’s seen on TV, that Jiho is someone
who always starts conversations, but he is focusing on food. Maybe he thinks
that Yongguk is so boring that there is no point in talking to him. He knows
that some people perceive him this way because even on shows, he isn’t as
involved as other guys. But he doesn’t think he is boring, he would have
noticed. Or Daehyun would have told him. He just needs more time than most
people to warm up to others.
So he tries to prove himself. It sounds silly even in his own head, but that’s
what it is. Him, proving himself to someone two years younger. At least Jiho is
receptive, smiling and responding, after the first, rather stilted, questions.
Yongguk thinks he can already feel the connection forming between the two of
them. It’s been a while since he befriended anyone, his skills might be rusty,
but it’s always easier when the other person is willing.
“Do you want something else to drink? I’ve got beer, wine and whiskey, probably
some soju too.”
“Thank you, but I’m driving. But I don’t mind if you want to have a drink.”
“Ah, no, I can’t really drink.”
Yongguk waits for Jiho to look at him curiously. To ask, why he can’t drink.
Why is there alcohol in his house, if he can’t drink. Both questions would be
easy enough to answer, but he isn’t sure the younger man would come back after
hearing them. Or at least after hearing the answer to the first question. He’s
got alcohol because people keep giving it to him as a gift. He keeps beer for
his friends, buys wine because he can have a glass of it every now and then.
Not too often, not too much.
But he can’t really drink because the alcohol doesn’t agree with his
medication. Or with his disorder. In theory, the whole of Korea knows about his
problems, but he is not self-obsessed enough to think that people who aren’t
his fans care. It’s safe to assume Jiho has no idea about it, and he would
prefer to keep it this way. If they get closer, he will tell the other man,
it’s not something he can hide for long. Not yet, though, he wants to keep the
semblance of normalcy for now.
Jiho makes it easy by not asking any questions. He just nods, accepting the
fact that Yongguk doesn’t drink, and moves on to another subject. If he is
curious, he doesn’t show it.
“I’ve heard your sister is a tattoo artist, so I googled her. She is really
good.”
“She is! She did the piece on my leg,” he eagerly says, always proud to show of
his sister’s work. He might be somewhat famous, but sometimes he feels that his
sister is the one who should get the recognition. Not only because they are
related, but mostly because she is that good.
“Can you show me?”
“Sure,” he pulls up the leg of his sweats to show off the ink, and waits with
anticipation for Jiho’s reaction. He knows it’s a beautiful tattoo and doesn’t
care if other people don’t agree with him, but he simply wants a fellow tattoo-
lover to like it. He isn’t disappointed. Jiho smiles and reaches out to trace
the lines with his fingertips. Yongguk holds back a shiver, which would be
rather inappropriate, even if it’s the younger man who initiated it.
“It’s amazing. I probably wouldn’t get something like that, but the lines are
very clean, great work.”
“Yeah? If you ever want her to do some work on you, let me know. She is really
busy, but I will hook you up.”
“You would?” the younger man sounds happy, and Yongguk decides it’s worth
Tasha’s potential wrath. He’s never done this before, since his bandmates never
showed any interest in being tattooed by his sister, and he doesn’t have too
many friends apart from them, so it’s not like he is a repeat offender. Even if
she is mad, tattooing Zico would be good for her business too.
“Sure, just let me know once you decide what you want.”
“Thank you, hyung!”
Jiho isn’t touching him anymore, so he can’t feel the shiver running down his
spine. God fucking dammit.
For the whole next week, he wakes up happy. So he does the smart thing and
makes an appointment with his doctor, who listens to him carefully while he
lists his symptoms, and then proceeds to explain that he is allowed to be
happy. Which should be obvious, but it’s not when you can’t trust your brain to
distinguish what’s real and what’s not.
“Your disorder doesn’t erase your feelings,” the doctor patiently says, and
Yongguk tries to tell her that he’s never felt anything like that before, he
doesn’t know how to deal with it, but she just shakes her head, “There isn’t
anything I can do about it. There is nothing wrong with you. We can discuss it,
but it’s something you have to learn to live with. Is that a bad thing? Being
happy?”
He isn’t supposed to answer, so he doesn’t. But he thinks about it all the way
to his flat, and later, while he prepares dinner and eats it alone. It’s not
just happiness, he remembers what it feels like. He is… giddy, and it can’t be
right.
But other people don’t notice. Even Himchan doesn’t, and he is usually the one
who pays most attention to him. He is a good friend, not as hot-tempered or
harsh as Daehyun and, sometimes, Jongup. Himchan’s words would be soft, kind,
but straight to the point, not leaving any room for discussion. He probably
trusted his friend’s judgment more than his doctor’s, which could be dangerous,
but not entirely unexpected, considering how many doctors he had to see before
he found someone competent enough. It’s interesting how many Korean therapists
seemed to think that telling their patient to try harder would fix things. It
never did. Yongguk could try over and over again, but without his medication he
would be, in the best case scenario, running around naked and screaming.
On a whim, he decides to call Jiho, even though it’s Tuesday evening and the
younger man is probably working, since that’s what he seems to be doing all the
time. If he can’t resist the attraction he feels, then he is going to embrace
it and see what happens.
He is surprised when Jiho picks up, even more so when he hears him stumble over
the greeting.
“Are you drunk again?” he asks in disbelief.
“No, of course not.”
“But you’ve been drinking.”
“I… yes, but hyung...”
“Where are you?”
“In my studio.”
“You are drinking in your studio? Okay, come over. Take a cab and get here as
fast as you can.”
He hangs up without giving Jiho a chance to reply. Yongguk didn’t think that
the other man was a big drinker, something just doesn’t add up. It’s still a
little too early, not to mention that drinking alone is never a good sign.
Drinking alone in a studio… He’s been there, trying to drink his problems away,
pretending it was helping the creative process, while in reality all it did was
obstructed it to the point where he couldn’t finish even one song.
He makes japchae to keep himself busy while he waits for his guest to arrive.
After an hour, he begins to think Jiho isn’t coming, but then he hears a soft
knock and dashes towards the door. He is smiling when he opens the door, but it
quickly turns into a frown when he sees Jiho’s face. Disheveled hair could pass
for a questionable hairstyle, if it weren’t for the dark smudges around the
boy’s eyes. His first reaction is to try to wipe it off, but he realizes that
it’s not the leftover eyeshadow.
“We had a photoshoot in the morning, it won’t come off,” Jiho mumbles
embarrassed, when he catches Yongguk staring, rubbing his bright red lips with
two fingers, as if that would help remove the tint the older man hasn’t really
noticed.
“Leave it, you look cute.”
He looks more than that, but it’s not something you’d say to a new friend, and
Yongguk is very good at pretending. Besides, it doesn’t even matter, because he
can smell the alcohol when Jiho walks past him to get to the kitchen. It’s
faint, but it’s definitely there. He waits for the younger man to dig into the
food before saying anything.
“I used to drink a lot. It’s a slippery slope. It helps at first, or at least
it makes you feel like it does. But you can’t bury yourself under the alcohol.”
Jiho’s ears turn red as he vehemently starts to protest, “I don’t have a
problem with alcohol.”
“I’m not going to argue with you about it. I said my thing, and you can do
whatever you want with it.”
Jiho focuses on eating, still obviously embarrassed, and Yongguk feels a bit
like a teacher scolding his student. The atmosphere is tense, and he almost
regrets speaking up, he is not responsible for the younger man, they aren’t
even in the same company.
He is getting worked up, and even with the medication, he can still feel the
anxiety rearing its ugly head. It’s nothing. He knows it’s nothing worth
getting upset about, but he can’t control it. He is slowly, but surely, getting
lost in his own mind, when Jiho speaks again, voice unusually soft.
“I know it’s wrong. But it gets so hard sometimes.”
“What does?”
“Being me,” the boy finally looks him in the eyes, and Yongguk feels elevated
when he can’t see any anger. “The way I am… They don’t understand, even Kyung.”
He reaches out to touch Jiho’s hand, and somehow ends up holding it. He’s
noticed the difference in skin tones before, but never paid too much attention
to it. Now though, with their fingers entwined, he enjoys the way his dark skin
contrasts with Jiho’s much paler and colder one, like he is the moon to
Yongguk’s sun.
“I’m here, you can tell me about everything that bothers you,” Jiho has no
reasons to trust him, but he doesn’t pull away.
They don’t discuss anything heavy that night. Yongguk doesn’t want the younger
man to say something he might regret later just because he is tipsy, and Jiho
still doesn’t seem convinced that he is really going to understand his
problems.
They spend the evening talking about art, Yongguk pulls out albums he collected
and shows his favorite paintings, something he hasn’t done in a while. Usually,
people aren’t interested. He posts some of them on Instagram, but he is well
aware of the fact that his followers would be amazed by almost anything he
posts. After all, no matter how much he cares for them, they are his fans and
not real friends.
Jiho is able to appreciate it, which makes Yongguk’s heart grow even fonder of
him. And it’s not just the appreciation, it’s the fact that the younger man
points out the details that also caught his attention. Yongguk doesn’t
necessarily need his friends to share all of his hobbies, but it’s nice to have
someone who understands you. And Jiho, as a rapper and an artist, definitely
does, more so than his other friends.
This time, Yongguk doesn’t offer him the alcohol but feeds him chamomile and
fruit teas instead, and suddenly it’s almost three in the morning. His guest
looks even more tired but, at the same time, a little happier than before. When
he tries to leave, Yongguk just nudges him towards the bathroom and gives him
clean clothes. They share the bed again, leaving quite a lot of free space
between them as they fall asleep. It doesn’t stop them from waking up nose to
nose. Jiho’s face and lips are slightly swollen, and Yongguk fights the urge to
pinch his cheeks. They used to be much fuller, he remembers, but now there is
no baby fat left, none at all, but he still wants to pet the smooth skin. It
should be awkward and uncomfortable when Jiho’s eyes flutter open, and he
catches Yongguk staring, but he just smiles softly, still too sleepy to care.
“What time is it?”
“Almost eleven.”
“Fuck. I overslept,” Jiho sighs, but doesn’t make a move to get up.
“You had something scheduled?”
“I have an event in the evening, but I usually get up around eight. Your bed is
just too comfortable.”
“Or it’s the chamomile tea I fed you,” he finally gives in and presses just the
fingertips to Jiho’s cheek, thumb resting next to the boy’s lips. It’s highly
inappropriate, but it feels good, Jiho’s skin is as soft as he expected.
“You are very beautiful,” he decides to say. He doesn’t even know where the
courage comes from, why his tongue is so loose around this boy.
“No, I’m not,” Jiho immediately denies, and Yongguk sees his chance. He moves
his thumb to cover the plush lips and stop the other man from speaking further.
“Don’t argue with me, I know what I see. Now,” with regret, he pulls his hand
away. “What do you want for breakfast?”
“Nothing, I really should get going.”
The moment is gone, morning drowsiness replaced with a flurry of movement, as
Jiho gets up to collect his clothes. Yongguk watches him go to the bathroom,
then come out after few minutes, hair wet from the shower, already dressed in
yesterday’s clothes. He offers to order Jiho a cab, but the younger man
refuses, claiming it’s in a walking distance. He accepts the excuse, hoping
it’s true and he didn’t scare his guest away. Jiho promises to call, but it
doesn’t mean anything, words are cheap.
Yongguk locks the door after him. He swallows the daily dose of pills, followed
by the vitamins, and goes back to sleep. He doesn’t feel like going out.
Himchan wakes him up three hours later, reminding him about a shoot they have
in an hour. It used to be the other way round, he is their leader. He was the
one who used to call other members if he thought they’ve forgotten about
something. But it’s been hard ever since he’s been diagnosed, and now it’s
Himchan who calls to remind him about his responsibilities. Who assumes
Yongguk’s mind is too preoccupied with other things to remember about the
trivial stuff like song recordings or photoshoots. The worst thing is that
Himchan is right. More often than not, if Yongguk doesn’t set a reminder, he
forgets he was supposed to be somewhere.
He hates it above anything else, because it makes him feel useless. If he is
not a good leader, if he can’t write songs, lost in his own brain, then where
does it leave him?
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
     In case you don't know who Yongguk is, you can listen to him here or
     here, or check out B.A.P
     And if you don't know Zico (???) click, click or Block_B
     BlockBAP, yes sir ;)
Daehyun is a good kid, he really is, at least most of the time. But sometimes,
he just doesn’t know when to shut up. Yongguk isn’t without a fault, he knows
that he can be too lenient with him, if only because the vocalist is so
talented and he doesn’t want to lose him. But it doesn’t make it hurt less when
Daehyun snarls at him, suggesting he should adjust his medication because he is
clearly out of mind. Yongguk doesn’t think he deserves such treatment, but the
vocalist is impulsive and always overreacts. As always, Junhong and Himchan try
to alleviate the situation, but the damage has already been done.
The next morning, Yongguk doesn’t leave the bed until four in the afternoon. He
would have stayed there longer, but Jiho called to ask if they can meet, and he
doesn’t want to waste the opportunity. From what he’s seen and heard, the
younger rapper works all the time, so Yongguk is flattered that he wants to
hang out with him, of all people.
In theory, they could meet in a bar or in a restaurant, but neither of them
wants the attention they would receive. Yongguk doesn’t fool himself into
thinking that anyone would be interested in him, but Jiho... So when the clock
strikes six, he opens the door and finds a smiling Jiho with one hand still
raised. His hair is a very yellow shade of blonde now, not a color anyone
should be able to pull off, but somehow – it works for the younger man.
Yongguk pours some of his best wine into two glasses to go with the red meat he
prepared. He is not a great chef, but he does alright, and Jiho, despite his
wealth, doesn’t look like someone who frequents high-end restaurants. The
younger man is more relaxed this time, he savours the wine, while he talks
about his day. Yongguk doesn’t make a conscious decision to tell his friend
about Daehyun’s behaviour, but he finds himself bitterly recounting their
fight, almost ranting, which isn’t usually his thing. He is the quiet one,
after all, it’s his label.
“You really need to do something about him,” Jiho shakes his head, “He runs his
mouth too much. I’ve read some stuff online. The things he says about Himchan?
It’s too much. You shouldn’t be supporting that. As you can see, it backfired.”
“It’s just a joke, with Himchan,” Yongguk tries to defend himself, but Jiho
doesn’t even let him finish.
“It’s only a joke if everyone involved is laughing, otherwise it’s just
bullying. Jihoon struggled with weight when he was younger, and I don’t let
others talk about it, because it’s still a sore subject for him. Jokes are
meant to be funny, not hurtful. Jokes don’t send members to a hospital.”
“Are you seriously scolding me, Jiho? I’m still older, you know.”
“I… you are right, I’m sorry.”
Yongguk is a little angry. He is angry because the other man is right, it’s not
like he didn’t realize it already. Himchan talked about it before, how he
doesn’t want to be repeatedly criticized, especially in front of the cameras.
He also claimed that Yongguk doesn’t understand how it feels, because he rarely
ever gets publicly criticized which is, undeniably, true. Yongguk could argue
that he was his own worst critic and enemy, but he knew that no matter how
harsh he was on himself, at least he didn’t have to endure the public
humiliation.
“No, you are right, of course you are. Dae can be difficult to control, but I
should try harder.”
Seeing that Yongguk isn’t going to fight him, Jiho presses on, “You should
apologize to Himchan.”
“What? I don’t think it’s necessary. It’s a bit too much.”
“Is it really? Shouldn’t Daehyun apologize to you for speaking so carelessly?”
“Do you apologize to your members?” he attacks because it’s easier.
“I do. I’m supposed to lead them, so they have to trust me. It gets easier with
time. But of course I fuck up all the time, so I get to practice. You’re
probably a much better leader.”
“I’m pretty sure your boys would jump off a cliff for you, even if Kyung would
complain all the way down,” Yongguk doesn’t know Jiho’s best friend well, but
he’s heard enough. Park Kyung has a bit of a reputation.
The younger man laughs and downs the rest of his wine, while Yongguk thinks
about the way he should apologize. Apologizing is always difficult, especially
to someone younger than you, even if they are only nineteen days apart and
Himchan doesn’t act younger. Jiho is right, he isn’t used to apologizing, but
not really because he doesn’t screw up. He just doesn’t do it. Hell, he should
probably apologize for not being as involved with a group as he should, for
spending too much time in the studio and not bonding with other guys. He knows
they think he doesn’t like them that much. It’s not true, he just doesn’t know
how to cope with all five of them at the same time. They get so loud, that he
has to flee to the safety of his studio. Or his flat, whichever is closer at
the time.
“Do you still think I’m pretty?” Jiho suddenly asks, and Yongguk realizes he’s
been silent far longer than he intended. The boy is looking at him through the
lashes, pouting slightly.
“Beautiful. I think you are beautiful,” he corrects. “I don’t see why would it
change in just few days.”
Jiho shrugs, and Yongguk thinks that it would be quite endearing, if it were
modesty, but he has a hunch it’s something different. Low self-esteem, maybe.
“Come closer,” he orders, and when the other man is within the touching
distance, he grabs his chin and kisses the boy. It’s supposed to be a short,
chaste kiss, but he finds it impossible to stop once he started, their lips and
tongues sliding against each other until they are both out of breath. When he
finally breaks the kiss, Jiho’s lips are swollen and shining with spit, and
there are red spots on his cheeks. Yongguk feels his cock twitch, relieved that
he decided to wear loose trousers that hide his bulge.
“You can fuck me, if you want,” Jiho offers shyly, fiddling with the hem of his
t-shirt.
“I do,” he admits. “But there are things I have to tell you before we have sex,
and I don’t think I’m ready just yet.”
“Oh,” Jiho breathes out. “I can blow you, if you don’t want anything serious.”
“Casual is what I don’t want. And that’s why I have to tell you about the stuff
I’ve done. It seems that maybe you have something to say too.”
“I… maybe. But you won’t want me after that, so you might want to reconsider
fucking me now,” something dark and ugly crosses Jiho’s face, but Yongguk just
snorts, not believing it for a second. Instead of reassuring the other man, he
just pulls him into a strong hug.
Later, Jiho shows him the flower design he drew for the tattoo, and Yongguk
isn’t one for flowers, not really, but he thinks it’s going to look beautiful
curled around Jiho’s hip, where the boy wants it.
The younger man doesn’t stay the night this time, sharing the bed would be too
awkward after the conversation they had.
Yongguk calls his sister and has to put up with fifteen minutes of merciless
teasing, before she gives him some dates to choose from. He doesn’t say who his
friend is, just in case she accidentally tells someone. No one really knows
about their friendship, and he decides to keep it that way until they discuss
it.
At first, he doesn’t think much about it, when he can’t reach Jiho to give him
the dates. Then three days pass, and he starts getting worried. The next time
his call goes to the answering machine, he decides to leave a message, even
though he hates doing it.
Hello, Jiho. You aren’t answering my calls or messages, so I’m getting a bit
worried. If it’s about what happened, then don’t worry. We don’t have to… you
know, if you changed your mind. Okay? Call me, when you’re not busy, bye.
Jiho doesn’t call, but on a Friday evening someone knocks on his door, and he
expects to see his new friend. Instead, he finds a tired looking Kyung.
“Hi, is Jiho with you?” his guest asks without any preamble.
“No, I actually haven’t heard from him in a while.”
“Awesome,” the smaller man mutters to himself.
“Have you tried his studio?”
Kyung looks at him then, and Yongguk regrets opening his mouth.
“Have I tried his studio? Do I look dumb to you? It was the first place I
checked. This, in fact, is the last place on my list.”
“About that, why are you even here?”
“Because recently you two have been hanging out a lot, I found your address in
his notebook, but there was no phone number, so I decided to risk it.
Anyway...”
Some generic, Kpop song interrupts him, and Kyung quickly answers his phone,
intently listening to the person on the other line. He looks even more
exhausted after he hangs up.
“Okay, nevermind. It’s the bar owner. Apparently Jiho blacked out, and the guy
decided to call someone because he recognized him. Fuck. I should get going,
sorry for bothering you.”
“Do you need help?”
“I… Yeah, some help would be nice, he is heavy when he is drunk.”
And Kyung isn’t very big, but Yongguk knows better than to mention it.
“I can’t drive, though.”
“It’s okay, I will drive, I brought my car.”
They don’t talk during the ride. Yongguk doesn’t know how to talk with
strangers, and Kyung seems so on the edge that he might just snap, if he says
the wrong thing. He finds the silence easy anyway, even when people tell him
it’s uncomfortable, he just doesn’t see it this way.
He’s seen Jiho drunk, but never this drunk, to the point where he can’t walk or
even stand up. It takes Jiho a while to recognize either of them. They thank
the owner profusely and agree to bring the youngest back to Yongguk’s place,
because Kyung doesn’t want other members to see their leader in this state.
They have to stop once on the way back for Jiho to throw up, but he is pretty
cooperative, up until they reach the bedroom, and Kyung tries to take his pants
off. Jiho starts to struggle then, repeating ‘no’, over and over again.
“Take his pants off, I’m going to hold his hands,” Kyung orders, and he wants
to refuse, but there is something in Kyung’s tightly set lips that makes him
comply. He tries not to look, but something red grabs his attention, and he
wants to take a step back, when he sees the cuts on Jiho’s pale thighs. They
aren’t very deep, probably because the scars would be too obvious then, but
there are so many of them, crisscrossing his skin. Some of them are bleeding
from the scratchy material of Jiho’s jeans.
“God fucking damn it,” Kyung swears. “He told me he won’t do it again, of
course I shouldn’t have fucking trusted him. Why would he fucking stop.”
Yongguk wants to cover the wounds with his hands, make them disappear. He knew
something was wrong, but he had no idea how bad it was. And, frankly speaking,
he never really thought that adults did things like that. He always associated
it with teenagers.
He goes to the bathroom and brings back the antiseptic to clean the scratches,
wiping off the blood and putting band aids on the biggest wounds. It gives him
something to do with his hands.
“I think he is depressed. I mean, I know he is, but he hasn’t seen a doctor,
and I don’t want to really diagnose him, since I’m not exactly qualified. He
does this, every now and then. I tried talking to him about it, but he just
closes off, pretends that I wasn’t cleaning up his vomit few hours earlier,
putting on band aids like you are doing now.”
Yongguk vividly remembers when he couldn’t manage a day without a drink or two,
or five. He remembers his family and friends telling him that he needs to stop
for his own good, and he also remembers ignoring them, thinking they just don’t
understand him. It took him months to admit they were right, so he thinks he
understands Jiho.
“Is there a specific reason why it’s happening?”
“Some of it comes from the pressure he feels as a musician, he is never good
enough in the eye of the public. And there is some other stuff I can’t talk
about, but I’m sure he will tell you himself. It’s bad, I’m not going to lie,
so if you aren’t sure you can deal with it, you may want to back off a bit.”
“You know about my...” he makes a vague hand gesture, not wanting to say it.
“Yeah. I asked around when Jiho started to hang out with you. Listen… After I
leave, please don’t have sex with him,” Kyung quietly asks, not looking at him.
Yongguk is so surprised, that he forgets to be offended.
“He is barely responsive, I’d never… And we haven’t been together like that.”
The ‘yet’ seems too obvious to add, but the younger man still looks at him with
a newfound appreciation.
“You can stay, if you want. I will sleep on a couch.”
“If it’s not too much trouble… But I’m sure we will fit on your bed just fine,
I saw the size of your couch and there is no way you can get a decent night of
sleep on it.”
He tries to argue, because it’s a little too weird for him, but Kyung doesn’t
listen to him. He even leaves the room while Yongguk is still talking, and
comes back with a glass of water for Jiho. After that, Yongguk gives up,
defeated by Kyung’s stubbornness. His bed really is big enough to comfortably
fit all three of them, with Jiho between Kyung and him. The biggest downside is
when the youngest man suddenly wakes up, and Yongguk has to pretend to be
asleep, when he realizes what’s going on. Jiho shifts and, soon after, the
sound of crying reaches his ears. It’s muffled, probably by Kyung’s shirt.
Yongguk tries to fall asleep, not wanting to embarrass the younger man any
further, but it’s difficult. He wants to comfort his friend, but Jiho probably
doesn’t need him with Kyung around.
In the morning, he expects his bed – and his apartment, to be empty. It would
be easier for his guests. But when he opens his eyes, Jiho is already staring
back at him. He doesn’t look too good, with dark circles and puffy face, but
Yongguk couldn’t care less.
“I’m sorry I’m such a mess. I don’t know why Kyung didn’t bring me back to my
own flat.”
“I don’t think he was thinking straight, but I really don’t mind.”
“You should.”
“I’m worried, not mad,” he reaches for Jiho’s hand and squeezes it lightly,
“but we will discuss I some other time. I was trying to reach you, because
Natasha gave me some dates when she is available.”
“Yeah? What’s the nearest one?”
“This Wednesday, but it’s probably too soon with how busy you are...”
“No, it’s perfect. Will you come with me?”
“Sure. It won’t be at her shop, though, we will go to her flat. It’s more
private.”
Yongguk really wants to kiss the younger man, but he knows it won’t be well
received, if only because Jiho didn’t brush his teeth after throwing up the
night before. Holding hands is good enough for now, at least Jiho’s skin isn’t
cold anymore.
It also turns out that Kyung made himself at home and prepared breakfast.
Yongguk starts to wonder if it’s something he should get used to, as he stares
at the table full of food. It doesn’t happen often, and he zeroes in on a plate
with kimchi sandwiches. There are only two, clearly meant for one person only.
When Jiho digs in with obvious pleasure, he is mildly surprised. The younger
man notices his staring and offers him a bite. It’s not gross, but it doesn’t
taste great either, so he goes back to his eggs. Jiho is a bit of a weird kid.
                                      ***
Natasha is suspiciously nice to him when she greets them, but Yongguk can see
her watching Jiho like a hawk, connecting the dots. He prays to God she doesn’t
embarrass him too much.
Jiho shows her the design he drew, and Yongguk can tell that she is quite
impressed by it. There are few minor details she wants to change, still keeping
it mostly the same, only slightly improved, and Jiho seems to love the idea. He
takes off the shirt, and Yongguk knows that they have to stay slim, it’s a part
of their job, but he can count Jiho’s ribs, and that’s not something he wants
to see on anyone close to him. Natasha’s smile diminishes for a second,
especially when the younger man lowers his underwear and trousers to give her
access to his hip, where the tattoo is supposed to end.
She applies a thin layer of the analgesic ointment and, with her face still
close to Jiho’s crotch, says, “You are the first boy he is trying to woo with
my tattoos. You must be special.”
“Tasha...” Yongguk isn’t prone to blushing, but Jiho’s pale cheeks turn bright
pink.
“Gukkie… Help me move the table, it’s in the next room.”
When they are alone, she stops him before he can lift the tattoo bed ,and
forces him to look her in the eyes.
“You didn’t tell me I’ll be working on Zico. Are you sure about that? He is
pretty enough, but that boy is trouble.”
“Is he?” Yongguk asks more aggressively than he intended to. “You don’t know
him. I will burden him more than he could ever burden me.”
“Don’t say that, you are not a burden to anyone. Does he know?”
“I’m not sure. But he will, sooner or later, it’s unavoidable,” he knows he
sounds bitter, and Natasha gives him a quick hug before they go back to the
living room. It’s not as bad as he worried it would be.
“Do you want to hold my hand?” he asks Jiho, after the younger man settled on
the tattoo table.
“Do I have to remind you that I have more tattoos than you?”
“No, but it’s still uncomfortable and painful.”
He tries, and fails, not to smile when Jiho takes his hand. He doesn’t have any
tattoos on his hips, so he can only imagine how painful it must be. He knows
from experience that the ointment makes it easier to stand, but the pain,
although dulled, is still there. For a while, he focuses on Natasha, but after
a while his eyes wander lower, to Jiho’s covered thighs. He can’t see the cuts,
but he knows they are still there, healing slowly. He wonders if Jiho even lets
them heal, or if he re-opens them again and again to drown out the other pain.
They need to talk about it, Yongguk’s thoughts are consumed with worry, even
Junhong noticed that he is spacing out more than usually.
He goes back to watching the tattoo take shape on the red, swollen skin. Jiho
is bleeding quite a lot, but his grip on Yongguk’s hand remains light. It
doesn’t take long to finish the tattoo, and he expects Natasha to take a photo
of her work, like she usually does, but she doesn’t mention it, quickly
wrapping the fresh ink and giving the aftercare instructions. All three of them
know them by heart at this point, but Natasha is anything but unprofessional,
and Jiho doesn’t try to interrupt her. Yongguk has a feeling that, once his
sister gets to know him better, they will go along just fine.
Look at him, already planning the future, without discussing the past. He is
getting careless.
Jiho parked in the underground garage and there is no one around when they get
there, so it’s eerily quiet. He wishes he could drive, because there is
something off about the younger man, a bounce in his step that wasn’t there
before, and he keeps looking at Yongguk with something sly in his eyes.
Yongguk gets in the car first, but Jiho, instead of sitting behind the wheel,
opens the door on his side and climbs into his lap, long legs barely fitting in
the small space.
“What are you doing?” he asks, but the answer becomes obvious when Jiho starts
kissing him and moves forward, until his ass rests right on top of Yongguk’s
crotch.
“Tattooing make me horny,” the younger man confesses, before his tongue finds
its way into Yongguk’s mouth.
“We still haven’t talked,” he tries to say into the kiss, but it comes out
garbled, when Jiho starts to move his hips. Yongguk realizes that they are not
going to have a wildly inappropriate, dirty sex in his sister’s garage. No,
they are about to have a wildly inappropriate, dirty dry humping session in her
garage. Instead of freaking out or stopping the other man, he lets himself melt
into the kiss, cock already hard. There isn’t enough space for him to move, so
he keeps his hands on Jiho’s slim hips and lets him do all the work.
There is nothing elegant about the way Jiho rides him through two layers of
clothes, but it’s not about elegance. It’s about raw passion and chasing
release, with the younger man grinding and bouncing on his clothed cock like a
thirsty slut. Yongguk can only moan helplessly into Jiho’s full lips, as the
boy uses him to get off. He doesn’t mind, not when his dick presses between
Jiho’s buttocks with every delicious move, almost giving him the taste of what
it would be like to properly fuck the younger man. He wishes he could last, but
when Jiho breaks the kiss to scrape his teeth against Yongguk’s throat and suck
until a dark bruise forms there, he is gone. It’s been a long time since he’s
let anyone touched him, and he gives one, sharp thrust before he is coming
inside his underwear.
Jiho gives him a second before he is squirming again, but at least he is
considerate enough to raise his hips and rut against Yongguk’s hard stomach,
desperately trying to come. Yongguk slides his hands further back, gripping
Jiho’s ass, fingers pressing against the hidden hole. The boy comes with a long
whine, accidentally kicking the stick, lips parted and eyes tightly closed.
Yongguk takes his chance to lick into the other’s mouth, stealing his breath.
It takes them some time to come down from their orgasms, with Jiho still in his
lap.
“I’d invite you over, but I’d most definitely fuck you then, and we still need
to talk,” he quietly admits.
“I’d invite you over, but Kyung is staying with me, so it would be awkward.”
They exchange few more kisses before Jiho climbs over the gear stick to finally
drive away. It’s a half an hour drive to Yongguk’s place, and when they get
there, Jiho parks in the most private spot available, so they can repeat what
they’ve already done, this time in the backseat.
Yongguk strips the second he gets home, his boxers completely soiled and
disgusting. He doesn’t mind it as much as he should. He doesn’t even feel
guilty. But he knows that later, at night, he will worry against his will. So
he takes a sleeping pill on top of his other medication to avoid it. He wants
it to be a good memory.
When he wakes up the next day, there are no missed calls or frantic messages
from his manager. He checks the internet just to make sure no one took any
photos of him and Jiho making out like teenagers. Naver is blissfully quiet, so
he can go on with his day in a slightly better mood than usually. Jiho sends
him a cute selfie around noon which he immediately saves and sends back one of
his own. Himchan tries to steal his phone to see who has him smiling, but
Yongguk is faster and niftier when he wants to be.
It’s a good day indeed.
***** Chapter 3 *****
He prepares himself well for the conversation he is planning. He buys a bottle
of his favourite wine, only one, to make the conversation flow smoother,
without getting them drunk. Halfway through cleaning he realizes how nervous he
is. His palms are sweaty, and he needs to change the shirt right before Jiho is
supposed to arrive. He is still in the bedroom when the doorbell rings and
rushes to open, before he realizes that it’s going to be even more difficult,
if he acts weird. He really hopes the pills will kick in soon.
Jiho looks like he made no effort whatsoever to look good, he probably spent
the whole day in his studio, so it’s not surprising he would rather be
comfortable than sexy. Yongguk likes the casual look, and has to use all of his
willpower not to throw the younger man onto the nearest flat surface when Jiho
kisses him hello.
“Do you want to eat something first?”
“I’d rather talk first, if that’s alright with you,” Jiho says, and Yongguk
realizes that the other man is as anxious as he is, he just hides it better.
They settle in the living room, and he decides to just dive right into it
before he chickens out.
“Okay. Alright. The reason why I didn’t want to sleep with you is that… I have
a long track record. A really long list of sexual partners, and I don’t
remember most of them,” his voice is surprisingly calm for how fast his heart
is racing. “I’m bipolar, do you know what that is?”
“Yeah, I… googled it, after Kyung told me.”
“Good, so you know about mania. The thing about the bipolar disorder is that
you can get it anytime. There is no certain age it’s supposed to hit you. I
felt fine for the most of my life. Then I started having panic attacks, which
would have been bad enough, but it was just a beginning. Last year I…
disappeared for over two weeks. I don’t remember much from it, everything is
blurry, since I was manic. Everyone was looking for me, but my phone went dead,
and I was too gone to care. It was a whirlwind of clubbing, drinking and
fucking. With or without protection, it didn’t matter to me. Finally, Natasha’s
friend saw me in a club and brought me to her, it was pure luck. They still
didn’t know what was going on, but then I got depressed and wouldn’t leave the
house for another two weeks, that’s what clued them in. But even after I
started seeing a doctor and taking pills, I would still go out and have sex
with random strangers, because it’s not easy to find the right cocktail. The
company told everyone it’s just anxiety, but they were ready to tell the truth,
if one of my partners stepped forward. Thankfully, no one did. I’m not usually
like that,” Yongguk adds, hoping the other man believes him. “But because of
this, I had to be treated for some STDs. Nothing too serious, it could’ve been
worse, all things considered, but I think you should know about it, if you want
to be with me. I’m clean now, but I still have to use protection for at least
few more months. I need you to know that it’s not something I usually do,
before I got sick I had three sexual partners.”
Jiho doesn’t say anything for what feels like hours, even though it’s not even
fifteen minutes. He won’t look at him either, and Yongguk starts a breathing
exercise to avoid a panic attack.
Finally, the younger man mumbles almost incomprehensibly, “I am like that
though. I fucked so many men that I lost count. And I was aware what I was
doing, most of the time.”
That’s not what Yongguk expected and, if he has to be completely honest, he is
slightly taken aback by the confession. He didn’t think Jiho was a virgin, but
he also didn’t expect him to have this much experience.
“It’s fine, I mean… You just don’t seem too happy about it,” he settles on
saying because he can’t really judge the younger man.
“Why would I be happy that I’m easy? My mother took me to the church almost
every day when I was a child, and I grew up to be someone who spreads his legs
for anyone who asks.”
“Why then?”
“I don’t know. Rap-hyungs would always invite me to their parties, right? Even
when I was a kid, maybe fifteen or sixteen. It was usually just guys, because
there weren’t that many female underground rappers, even fewer of them wanted
to hang out with the dudes. They were smart and probably knew what they wanted.
I didn’t, at first. They would say I’m cute like a girl, right. And they would
touch me, kind of inappropriately. I never said no. Even if I didn’t want it, I
never said no because I was afraid they were going to reject me if I did. I
only stopped going maybe two years ago, when I realized that they aren’t
interested in me as a rapper or a producer.”
“Does your family know you are gay? Why didn’t anyone talk to you about it?”
“My brother… I started dating Hanhae when I was almost fourteen, he is two
years older. When he started pressing for sex I went to Taewoon, and asked for
guidance, I suppose. He told me that since I’m gay I should get used to it,
because that’s what most guys will ever want from me. And that I should just do
it. He told me that it’s not a big deal. He was friends with Hanhae, and I
think he was already jealous of me because I was younger, our mother always
worried about me because of my heart condition. Hanhae was basically given a
green light, and… And he taught me that it doesn’t matter whether I want it or
not.”
“Hanhae is the guy who used to be in Block B, right?”
“Yeah, the company kicked him out. They discovered our relationship, and they
didn’t really mind that we were dating, but they thought he was abusing me, so
they kicked him out, since I was more important, apparently.”
“They were right,” Yongguk is quick to say. Everything is starting to make
sense, and he realizes that Jiho’s problems run much deeper than he assumed. He
worried about the younger man not being able to handle his bipolar, but now he
isn’t sure he can handle the baggage carried by Jiho.
“I mean, I let him,” Jiho shrugs, pretending to be casual, but Yongguk can see
how hard his hands are shaking. “And I let everyone else. We were always
careful, so I never caught anything, but I had too many cocks in me to count.
Do you still want me?”
“Yes,” Yongguk quickly answers. To him, it’s not even a question. Their
circumstances might be different, and he is shaken by what he just heard, but
mostly because Jiho has been groomed to be unable to refuse people who want to
fuck him. And his older brother helped, which is another level of fucked up,
too high for Yongguk to comprehend. “Are you getting help? From a
professional?” he asks, even though he already knows the answer.
“No. I don’t… I don’t think I could trust them. People use me for my fame, it
happens all the time. But the shit I feel and think is too crazy for me to risk
it.”
“You could go to my doctor. She is good, and she won’t tell anyone. She helped
me a lot.”
“Thank you, but no. I’m good.”
“Show me your thighs and tell me that again. Are there any new cuts, or just
the old scars?”
“Fuck you,” Jiho mutters, but there is no heat behind it. They both know it’s
not something the younger man can cope with alone, but he is too stubborn.
“How often does it happen? Doesn’t it affect your work?”
“I still work. Sometimes, I think that I work best when I’m sad. It’s never
long enough for fans to notice.”
“Do you really think they don’t notice? They might not be able to do anything
about it, but it’s not something you can hide forever.”
Jiho looks at him, chin raised, as if it’s a challenge for him. Yongguk sighs
and looks around the room, trying to think of something to say. He doesn’t find
anything, but he gaze falls on the empty bottle, they finished it without him
realizing it.
“Do you want to stay the night?”
“You mean...”
“No. No sex. Tonight was a bit rough, I think we need to think about it a bit
more, but I want to sleep with you in my arms, if that’s okay.”
“Sure it is,” Jiho’s smile isn’t as happy as it usually is, but at least it’s
genuine.
Yongguk cleans up while Jiho showers, and when the younger man comes out
wearing his boxers and a t-shirt, he can’t help but think that he wants to get
used to it. He can’t see the tops of Jiho’s thighs, and he wants to see that
too. He wants Jiho to be comfortable around him enough to show him his scars.
Jiho knows how to curl his shoulders to fit right into Yongguk’s arms, his bony
body still warm from the shower. They already turned off the lights, but he
doesn’t feel sleepy yet. Especially not with Jiho’s fingers drawing circles on
his stomach, close to his cock.
“We really aren’t going to have sex.”
The hand stops, and the boy tries to pull away in shame. He doesn’t let him get
too far.
“I’m sorry. It’s just… All they ever wanted from me was sex, so it makes me
anxious and insecure that you don’t want it.”
It’s easier to speak in the dark, Yongguk knows that from his own experience.
“You have no idea how much I really want you. But I can’t do it before you
learn how to refuse sex. I need to know it’s consensual, I don’t want to be
like the men who hurt you.”
“I want you too. We are friends, it’s not the same...”
“We will work on it.”
Jiho starts to argue, but Yongguk kisses him to shut him up. It works, but he
knows that the topic will return. He just can’t do it, he can’t worry whether
Jiho really wants him every time they have sex. And he wants to help. He might
not be able to help himself, but he can help Jiho.
He wakes up hard, something that hasn’t happened since he started taking his
medication. It’s definitely because of Jiho’s ass snugly pressed against his
crotch, and his slightly musky smell, which is especially strong around the
nape of his neck where Yongguk’s nose is currently resting. When Jiho’s hips
start to move in small circles against his hard on, he knows that the other man
is awake. They’ve done this already, so it would be hypocritical of him to back
off now, and there will be no penetration. He knows he is trying to justify
himself, but he is too turned on to care right after waking up. This time, he
doesn’t let the younger man take charge. He rolls them over, so he is on top of
Jiho, and starts to grind against his small, but perky ass. He can feel their
boxers riding up, revealing more skin, making it so much more electrifying than
before. His hands sneak under Jiho’s shirt to finally touch the smooth skin on
his stomach. Every time he pumps his hips, his cock slots itself right between
Jiho’s butt cheeks, and he can feel almost everything with just two thin layers
of material separating him from the tight heat. He thrusts harder, pinning the
boy to the bed with his whole body. It doesn’t take him long to come, not with
how keyed up he is, he was probably rubbing against Jiho in sleep too. He bites
Jiho’s shoulder as he comes, stifling his moans.
It hits him that he paid no attention to the younger man’s pleasure, greedily
taking what he wanted, but Jiho smiles at him and almost shyly tells him that
he already came.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright, I did the same thing the last time. I enjoyed it, I like it when
you take charge,” Jiho mumbles the last part, clearly embarrassed by his own
honesty. Yongguk thinks it’s adorable how Jiho can go from acting like a needy
twink to a blushing, not-quite virgin in less than five minutes.
“Can you stay today?”
“I wish, but I’ve got a lot to do today. I have a radio interview in two hours,
then I’m meeting with Fanxy Child for a shoot, and later I need to finish a
track for Minho. I’ll probably sleep in the studio.”
Yongguk doesn’t even think about complaining, he knows that this is what he
signed up for. He can’t force the change, he can only encourage it, and that’s
what he intends to do. He isn’t much better himself, since he also spends most
of his time writing songs and mixing tracks. But at least he knows that, even
though he really loves music, there is another reason why he gets lost in it so
often – it’s easy to pretend that the outside world doesn’t exist, that there
are no problems other than the beat that’s just slightly off.
He has a private event with B.A.P in the evening that shouldn’t take more than
two hours, he really wanted the younger man to be in his flat when he comes
back, but he is well aware that you don’t always get what you want. He prefers
the small, intimate shows because they don’t make him as nervous as big
appearances. They have to do their own makeup and hair, or Junhong does it for
them if there’s time, but the pressure is so much smaller. The pay is good too,
but it’s never been his priority.
“So who is the guy?” Himchan appears next to him as Yongguk is finishing
applying the eyeliner.
“What guy?”
“The one who’s got you all smiley and happy. I noticed, everyone did. So, who
is he? When am I meeting him?”
He wants to laugh, because Himchan has met Jiho multiple times, even called him
‘a good kid’, but he manages to keep a straight face.
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”
“C’mon, Bang, you stopped staring at Daehyun, I know there is someone.”
They are friends. Himchan is his friend, and he isn’t obliged to tell him
anything, but maybe it helps to be more open. “I can’t tell you his name, we
haven’t discussed where we stand yet. But… yes, there is someone.”
Himchan’s smile is so bright that it almost blinds him, and Yongguk feels the
calm wash over him. Sometimes it’s a little difficult to remember that other
people, who aren’t his family, care about him. They went through a lot
together, but the mind is a fickle thing.
They go drinking after the event, and Yongguk tries to ignore his phone
vibrating every now and then, but he ends up going to the bathroom to check the
messages. They are all pictures of Jiho in his small studio, big hoodie
concealing the most of his body. It seems familiar, and when he sees that Jiho
wrote ‘I stole it this morning’, he realizes that the younger man took it from
the pile of Yongguk’s freshly washed clothes. It’s cute and hot at the same
time, and he almost wants to ask the other man to wear just the hoodie, but
it’s too early for that. He would rather see Jiho naked in real life, before
they advance to sending sexy pictures. If they ever do that, it’s quite risky.
He is already asleep, when his phone pings again, waking him up. It’s after
three, Jiho is pale and bleary-eyed, but he is giving thumbs up to the camera.
‘Finished working,’ the text says.
‘Sleep, now,’ he writes back, before going back to sleep himself.
Few days later, he receives another picture of Jiho, but this time it’s from an
unknown number. The younger man is asleep, head resting on someone’s lap, and
for a split second Yongguk feels the anger building up, before he sees the
second picture and realizes it must be Kyung who sent it. While the first
picture made him smile, Jiho looks so calm and serene in it, the second one
makes his heart race. It’s slightly blurry, but he can see the fresh cuts on
Jiho’s thin thighs. He’s had a rough night, the message says.
He is a bit jealous of how close the two men seem to be, but he knows that he
is still a very new addition to Jiho’s life. At least Kyung is trying to
include him, even though Yongguk didn’t ask and didn’t give him his number.
Once again he wonders, if he is getting a packaged deal – new boyfriend with a
side of a new friend.
‘What happened?’
‘He is still beating himself up about our recent promotions.’
‘It’s not his fault people can’t appreciate good music.’
‘Try telling him that. What are you doing tomorrow? I’m busy, and he can’t be
alone atm.’
Yongguk agrees to stay with Jiho even before checking his schedule, but he is
sure there isn’t anything so important that it can’t be rescheduled.
Kyung sends him Jiho’s address in the evening, and the next day Yongguk comes
ten minutes earlier than he was supposed to after dropping off Tigger at his
brother’s house. Instead of ringing the doorbell, he patiently waits in front
of the apartment, hoping that no one will see him. It’s awkward enough as it
is, and he lets out a relieved sigh when it’s finally the time for him to
knock. Kyung is already wearing shoes when he opens the door.
“Please don’t let him go to the studio today, and thank you for helping. Bye!”
He wants to say that it’s not a problem, but Kyung is already running down the
stairs instead of taking the elevator, probably trying to squeeze in a modicum
of exercise into his day. Yongguk woke up early to work out at the gym, trying
to keep his body in a good shape. That’s something he can control.
He is shocked when he finds Jiho still lying in bed, listlessly staring at the
wall. He doesn’t react when Yongguk greets him, and the older man wonders if
this is how he looks when he has a depressive episode. Jiho isn’t crying, he
isn’t doing anything at all.
“Can I lie behind you?” he patiently waits for any indication that it’s okay,
because most of the time he hates being touched when he is depressed. But the
younger man finally nods ever so slightly, so Yongguk joins him, hugging him
from behind.
He wants Jiho to tell him what is bothering him, but two hours pass and nothing
happens. He makes Jiho drink some water, but the younger man refuses to eat
anything.
“Did something happen?” he asks after a while, when Jiho starts to move a bit
more, indicating that he is feeling slightly better.
“I failed them. We were supposed to come back on top, and I fucking failed.
‘Shall we dance’ is a piece of shit.”
“You can’t blame yourself for people not listening to it enough.”
Jiho laughs, and Yongguk hates the sound of it. It’s so bitter that it sounds
almost like a snarl, “Of course I fucking can. We didn’t promote enough, we
disappeared for over a year. Because of me, no one else, but me. They were
ready to come back any time, but they had to wait for me. And then I failed
them.”
“Did they say that?”
“No, they don’t have to. I can tell they are disappointed.”
“Do you think that my songs are good?”
“Yes,” Jiho immediately confirms, and it really says so much about him, that
Yongguk almost wants other people to hear it. Wants them to know that the
younger man isn’t the conceited asshole everyone wants him to be.
“Alright then. Does it mean that I’m failing my members every time we don’t win
any awards? Because we’ve won so little, despite the fact that we are so
active. Am I a failure?”
“No!” Jiho turns around to look at him. “You can’t compare us. You try so hard,
and I just assume people are going to love everything I produce.”
“Do you, really?” Yongguk asks because he doesn’t believe a word he is hearing.
He is going to take no part in Jiho’s unwarranted self-deprecation. “I think
that ‘Shall we dance’ is amazing, and the fact that it’s not as popular as it
should be is not your fault. You should blame people’s poor taste rather than
your skills.”
Jiho kisses him them, but Yongguk knows it’s because he wants him to stop
talking, the younger man doesn’t want to hear the voice of reason. The kiss
soon turns heated, it’s getting out of Yongguk’s control with Jiho’s hands
wandering all over his body, touching and squeezing.
“Fuck me, hyung,” the boy mutters into the kiss, “show me that I’m worth it.”
It’s enough for Yongguk to disentangle himself from Jiho’s embrace and roll
away, putting some distance between them. “I’m not going to let you use me
because you are distraught.”
He isn’t really angry, but it still works. The other man looks away in shame
and sits up, “You are right, I’m sorry. I will just go to the studio, you can
stay here, if you want.”
“I do, but you are staying with me. Don’t even try to argue, Kyung will murder
me if I let you out. Do you want to watch a movie?”
Jiho probably doesn’t, but he lets Yongguk choose one, so the older man
pretends not to notice when he starts crying right after it begins, tears
soaking into Yongguk’s hoodie. He soothingly runs his hands down Jiho’s back
without verbally acknowledging the breakdown.
He ends up staying for three days, with Kyung coming over every now and then,
looking more refreshed as the days pass. Yongguk doesn’t blame him for wanting
to take a break. Jiho is much better, he gets up every morning and goes to the
studio, letting Yongguk pick him up at the reasonable hour, but taking care of
someone depressed is far from easy. Yongguk hasn’t realized it before, but now
he knows how hard his episodes had to be for his family. He will never be able
to repay them for everything they’ve done, even if they don’t ever mention it.
Natasha texts him to ask about Jiho’s tattoo, and he sends her a picture of a
still healing, but no longer swollen or bleeding, ink. He doesn’t even think
about cropping out his own hand holding Jiho’s pants in place just in case, and
she makes some really inappropriate comments about their relationship. He loves
his sister and how fierce she is, but sometimes she is a bit much, especially
since he hasn’t seen Jiho naked yet. Sleeping next to the other man every night
sends his libido into overdrive. He dreams about everything they aren’t doing
and wakes up humping Jiho like an animal in heat. It’s embarrassing, even if
Jiho encourages him.
When Kyung finally returns, Yongguk expects to be asked to leave, but that
doesn’t happen. Kyung smirks at him knowingly and sleeps in the other room,
acting like it’s normal that the two of them basically moved into Jiho’s flat.
It should be uncomfortable, but Yongguk finds himself enjoying it. Watching
Jiho and Kyung go from bickering to talking about music, to gossiping like old
ladies gives him a chance to learn more about Jiho and his weird friend. And
maybe, despite the fact that he doesn’t talk much, they learn something about
him too.
Jiho is sitting on a bed reading a book, and Yongguk can hear Kyung moving
around in the other room, preparing for sleep. There is nothing gentle about
the way he grabs Jiho’s chin and kisses him, pushing the book aside, but the
younger man still relaxes into it. He takes Jiho’s shirt off, almost ripping it
in the process, and the boy glances towards the thin wall separating them from
Kyung.
“He is still up, maybe we should wait...”
The tight set of Jiho’s shoulders speaks louder than his words, but he doesn’t
object when Yongguk removes his pants, leaving him in tight, black boxers.
“So what? I wanna fuck now,” he says dismissively, and Jiho obediently spreads
his legs, making room for him to lie down. He is still tense, trying not to
make any noises when Yongguk bites and licks his collarbones, his cock hard
against Jiho’s soft one.
“Tell me to stop,” he murmurs into Jiho’s skin, but the younger man tries to
unzip his trousers instead.
“Tell me to stop, now,” he repeats, hands tightly gripping Jiho’s thin hips.
The boy just stares at him, eyes wide open and maybe a little scared or
confused by Yongguk’s behaviour. The older man sighs and rolls to the side,
slapping Jiho’s hand away when the younger man tries to touch his dick.
“I thought you wanted...”
“No. I want you to be able to refuse me when you are uncomfortable with having
sex. Would you really do it, with Kyung next room?”
“Yeah. He’s heard it all before. He was in the same room, once,” Jiho chuckles
bitterly. “Hanhae didn’t care.”
And Yongguk has never met Hanhae before, but he wants to find him and smash his
face in. It wouldn’t even be difficult. He might not be an aggressive person,
but with the right incentive he could do some damage. And he feels very
motivated to do so.
He is so lost in his own thoughts, that he doesn’t even notice Jiho moving
until it’s too late, and the boy is sitting on his still clothed cock, rocking
his hips slightly.
“I appreciate the effort, but I really, really want to fuck you, okay? So stop
giving yourself blue balls and do me.”
Yongguk stares at the undeniably sexy man sitting on top of him and what he
feels cannot be put into words. He wonders how someone as smart as Jiho can be
so oblivious when it comes to sex. Some people enjoy casual sex, and there is
nothing wrong with that, but the younger man treats himself like an object when
it comes to being intimate. Yongguk wants a partner, not a blow-up doll. He
wants someone who will take as much pleasure from the act as he does, and he
hates the fact that Jiho has been stripped away of this. He wants the other man
to understand that sex is not only about giving. He could say all of this, talk
until his throat was parched, and it would make no difference at all.
“I won’t be able to get off right now,” he lies, stilling Jiho’s hips. He could
probably come from simply watching the younger man, imagining his thick lips
wrapped around his dick. But whatever his body wants, his mind is against it.
Jiho obediently gets off him, and Yongguk would lie if he said that it doesn’t
turn him on how submissive the other man is when it comes to sex. He just
wishes he didn’t have to wonder whether it’s a natural trait, or has Jiho been
taught to act like that. It’s enough to make his cock soften completely.
Two days later he realizes that he needs to go back to his own flat. Not
because he particularly wants to, but because their relationship is still too
young for that. His mother would probably scold him, if she knew that he moved
in with a boy after few weeks of very casual dating.
Jiho almost, unknowingly, changes his mind when Yongguk wakes up to breakfast
in bed with a side of his pills. He counts them and checks if it’s everything
he needs in the morning. It is.
“I saw you take them, so I just memorized it,” the younger man mutters shyly,
and Yongguk thinks he might be a little bit in love. He isn’t sure because he’s
never been in love before. He thought he was, but what he feels for Jiho, the
things he wants to do for him… He’s never been like that before.
“Thank you. I’ll be going home later. My neighbours are going to think that I
died if I don’t come back soon.”
Jiho doesn’t look too happy about it, but he doesn’t say anything. Not for the
first time, Yongguk wonders if the other man really is as much of a loner as he
appears to be. Yongguk doesn’t go out a lot and hates big parties, but even he
ventures outside more than the younger man. Jiho lives and breathes work, most
of his outings are work related or serve some sort of a purpose – like when he
went to Youngbae’s concert because he didn’t want to offend someone so
influential. And yet, he doesn’t seem to mind Yongguk’s, or Kyung’s, presence.
Maybe Jiho is simply selective about the people he wants to spend his time
with, but once he finds them, he wants to be with them as much as possible.
It shows how much Youngguk doesn’t know the other man, but instead of worrying,
like he would in the past, he just accepts it for what it is – and decides to
change it. Hopefully, there will be plenty of time for that in the future.
He picks up Tigger from his brother’s place and comes back to his own flat,
which he finds unusually empty and quiet. It feels lonely without Kyung
shuffling around in the kitchen and Jiho tapping out the beat with a pen,
complaining about the lack of inspiration. Tigger nips at his ankles, trying to
get him to play, so Yongguk picks up the nearest toy. He will get used to it in
a few days, he just isn’t sure that he wants to anymore. He rarely ever invites
anyone over, even when Junhong complains and whines about wanting to spend more
time in Yongguk’s flat.
Now he finds himself picking up the phone and calling Junhong, asking him to
come over. Then he decides to call Himchan as well, to make things easier. In a
few years, the age difference won’t mean much, but right now Junhong is still
quite immature, and Yongguk doesn’t always know what to say to him. Himchan, on
the other hand, is so easy-going that he gets along with everyone, there is no
awkward silence with Himchan around.
They end up listening to Junhong crying about some European boy he’s met in
Japan who played him – that, or it was a simple miscommunication, because
Junhong’s English isn’t as good as he thinks it is. Either way, they feed him
hot chocolate and try to cheer him up. Junhong would probably argue with it,
but for Yongguk it’s actually a nice break from all the heavy, depressing stuff
he’s recently experienced and, judging from the knowing look Himchan sends him,
it’s the same for the vocalist. It doesn’t mean that it’s not important, but
they know that Junhong is going to move on soon enough and forget about the
blue-eyed, blond-haired god from the Czech Republic.
***** Chapter 4 *****
Yongguk’s fingers seem to be permanently stained with black ink from all the
drawing and sketching he’s been doing in his free time. Drawing is less
stressful than making music, less demanding. He can do whatever he likes, and
it’s still okay, even if his art isn’t perfect. He needed to replace his
sketchbook, because he threw out the other one that was filled with Daehyun’s
face. The drawings weren’t bad, they weren’t great either, but it’s the time to
move on. And if more often than not the people he is now drawing have plush
lips and long, catlike eyes, then well, this is his life now.
He can tell that Jiho is annoyed with him, when he presses for sex, but then
backs off if the younger man willingly goes with it. He is no longer sure that
his method is right, although the logical part of his brain tells him that he
is not imagining the problem. Otherwise, it would be easy for Jiho to simply
say ‘no’ to him, even if he wants it. It’s just a simple word, that the other
man says at least once a day, and in every other situation he can do it just
fine. When it comes to sex, he will squirm and wriggle, but he won’t deny him.
At least Kyung supports this method. Apparently Jiho shared his frustrations
with his friend, who rather bluntly stated that it’s the only option he is
aware of, unless Jiho decides to see a therapist. Neither of them is qualified
to make this decision, but it’s always easier to be wrong when someone had got
your back.
It’s not easy for Yongguk. It puts a strain on him that he didn’t expect. And
while he knows he shouldn’t tell anyone about Jiho’s issues, it’s a little too
much for him to handle alone.
“How is your little twink doing?” Natasha asks, eyes glued to her sketchbook.
She is designing a tattoo for a client, because she knows that he doesn’t
really like to keep eye contact all the time.
“This is so wrong and offensive,” he says, but he still laughs at how
ridiculous it is. Natasha tries to hide her smirk, but he sees right through
it.
“Alright, alright I’ll be nicer. Really though, how are you two doing? Is he
treating you right?”
“Yeah, I stayed over the other night,” he says, bending the truth just a little
bit, “and he prepared my pills in the morning. It was… unexpected.”
Natasha gasps and stares at him, clearly as moved as he was when it happened,
“I guess I was wrong then. Maybe he is a keeper.”
“I really wish he was,” Yongguk admits. “But it’s a little more difficult than
I thought it would be.”
“How so?”
“I can’t give you too many details, but he’s been through a lot.”
“Like what?”
“He’s been… hurt before. And because of this, our sex life is basically
nonexistent.”
He’s revealed enough, he knows he did from the devastated look on his sister’s
face. Natasha probably understands it better than he does. It’s not easy to be
a tough girl in a country that praises feminine beauty and docility in women.
Men didn’t succeed, but they did try to make her obey them when she was younger
and more naive.
“I would have never thought… fuck.”
“Happened more than once too, but he refuses to get professional help, and I’m
not sure I’m doing it right.”
“It’s important that you are trying, I’m sure Jiho appreciates it,” she moves
closer to give him the one-armed hug. “But remember, that if it gets too much,
it’s alright to pull away. You have to think about yourself too.”
“I know. I just really want to help him.”
“You want to help the whole world,” Natasha says somewhat sadly. “Tell me as
much as you can.”
He doesn’t tell her about Hanhae, Taewoon, about the countless parties or
Jiho’s self-harm. But he talks about his feelings, about the way the younger
man acts, and it might seem trivial from the outside, but simply being listened
to makes him feel better. At one point Natasha pulls out a bottle of wine, then
another, and it makes everything so much easier, but he also ends up much
drunker than he predicted. It would be different, if he wasn’t so medicated,
even though he always drinks more freely around the people he trusts, but as it
is – he barely manages to stumble into a cab, because he wants to sleep in his
own bed. When he finally gets there, he falls asleep right after his head hits
the pillow.
Or so he thinks, until he checks his phone and finds two messages which he sent
the other night. One of them isn’t too bad, he texted Himchan to tell him that
‘Tasha’s wine is the best’, but the other one has been sent to Jiho. He sent a
picture of mostly his chest and lips, and wrote ’I wanna touch your sweet ass’.
He is even more mortified when he sees that Jiho replied when he was already
asleep. He considers apologizing without even opening the message, but he is an
adult, and if he offended the other man, then he needs to know how bad it is.
What he finds is a photo of Jiho’s naked back leading to a small, but firm and
round ass. He is wearing skin-tight underwear, but it really doesn’t leave much
to the imagination.
‘I fell asleep after texting you, and didn’t see your message until now. Damn,
you are ruining me for other men.’
‘Are you hard rn?’
He is tempted to send a picture of his hard on, but he is too sober for it,
‘Yeah, gotta take care of it.’
‘You are welcome to think about me, hyung~’
It goes straight to his cock, and he isn’t strong enough to resist the
temptation. He jerks off fast and dirty, using precum as lube because he is too
lazy to bring it from the bathroom, when he knows it’s not going to take long.
He thinks about Jiho’s plump lips wrapped around the thickness of his cock and
squeezes just a touch stronger, when he imagines what would it be like to
properly fuck the younger man. He thinks about Jiho’s long legs spread open for
him as he is pounded roughly, head thrown back showing off his pale skin. He
would be so good and hot, and Yongguk comes thinking about Jiho’s tight, red
hole milking him dry.
He must be really sexually frustrated if that’s all it takes to make him come
this hard, he muses, while he cleans up the mess he made. He is feeling relaxed
and a bit cheeky after the session he had, so he snaps a selfie, which he
uploads to his private Instagram. Himchan is, as always, the first one to
comment. Somebody got laid!!!
***** Chapter 5 *****
Chapter Summary
     There will be 6 chapters, okay.
Few days later Jiho asks if he can get two days off in the near future. His
schedule is pretty packed, so the nearest date is almost three weeks later, but
Jiho doesn’t mind and tells him to book it. Then he asks, if Yongguk can do the
STD test again, which makes the older rapper realize that his boyfriend wants
to take time off to have sex with him. He finds it both strange and endearing,
no one has ever put this much effort into being intimate with him, and even
Yongguk doesn’t remember being this meticulous before his first time. He
doesn’t know, why they would need two days, but if it means this much to Jiho,
then he is going to do it. What is even more surprising, is the fact that Jiho
is willing to stop working for the full two days.
Getting tested turns out to be slightly more difficult, than booking the time
off because he can’t, and doesn’t want to, tell his manager why he needs to see
a doctor. In the end, he uses his bipolar as an excuse, something he’s never
done before. For the first time in his life it’s useful, because his manager
gets a slightly panicked look in his eyes and gives him half a day off, to do
what needs to be done. Yongguk avoids eye contact, afraid that the older man
will figure out that he is lying.
When he has the results, he sends Jiho a picture and gets one in return. They
are both clean, and Yongguk gets a very inappropriate boner in the studio, when
he thinks about his boyfriend and everything he is going to do to him. He hopes
no one else notices, not that it’s a taboo between them. They used to live
together, so they’ve seen almost everything, as awkward as it might have been,
especially when Junhong was younger.
Suddenly, Yongguk can’t stop thinking about sex. It never occupied his thoughts
this much, except for when he was a teenager with raging hormones, but even
then it was never anything this specific; he doesn’t count his mania because he
doesn’t really think then, he just acts. And now he wakes up in the middle of a
night, hot and sweaty, hips grinding against the bed until he reaches
completion. Sometimes, he even googles Jiho’s pictures from concerts and other
sources – God bless fangirls, because he is too ashamed to ask his boyfriend
for sexy pictures. He is also afraid that he would get them, whether Jiho
actually likes it or not. So he still feels like a pervert, but at least he
isn’t forcing the younger man to do something he might not want to be
comfortable with.
When the day finally comes, Yongguk is almost anxious. It’s just sex, and he
knows sex. It doesn’t stop him from cleaning the whole flat, until it’s
sparkling clean, cooking dinner for two days and ironing the sheets. He also
buys a lot more lube than they will probably need – he even goes to three
different stores to get it, because he can’t deal with the silent judgment. He
is worried that his behavior will ruin their carefully planned time off, but
the second he sees Jiho, he feels calm.
Jiho’s hair is soft and fluffy, and he is smiling shyly. Yongguk pulls him
inside to kiss his stupidly plush lips for what feels like hours. They don’t
move from the spot near the doorway, even though they have the whole flat to
themselves. He left Tigger with his sister, because he isn’t even sure if they
are going to go out at all. And he doesn’t necessarily want his dog staring at
him while he is having sex.
“Do you want to eat something?” he finally asks, mindful of the fact that his
boyfriend probably hasn’t eaten much.
Jiho shakes his head, “No. Take me to the bed instead.”
“You sure?”
“No,” Yongguk’s heart stops for a second before Jiho starts laughing and
lightly bites his neck. “Of course I’m sure, it was my idea, wasn’t it?”
He can’t argue with that. He picks the younger man up bridal, style just to
hear him laugh again and carries him to the bedroom where, the laughter slowly
dies out, replaced by a completely different feeling. He gently puts Jiho on
the bed, but he is stopped, when he tries to remove his boyfriend’s shirt.
“Can I keep it on? There really isn’t much too see...”
“You are beautiful,” Yongguk says with conviction and quickly unbuttons the
black shirt. He hasn’t seen the other man fully naked yet, and he enjoys every
inch of the smooth, pale skin that’s revealed to him. He doesn’t care about the
lack of muscle definition. He stares at the tattoos, slightly disturbed, when
he sees Jiho’s mom this close. “This might be a bit of a problem.”
“You can do me from behind.”
“I don’t want to do you from behind. And definitely not the first time. I’ll
just… try not to think about you mom, even though she is staring right at me.”
Jiho laughs again, probably not understanding that it is quite difficult to
keep a hard on when someone’s mom is staring at you judgingly.
“Bang...” Jiho suddenly whines. “Take your clothes off.”
He knows he has a good body, that’s something he is confident about, so he
easily follows the command, removing all of his clothes, slightly swaying his
hips and flexing muscles as he strips, liking the way Jiho is looking at him
and already spreading his legs invitingly.
“I jerked off before coming here,” Jiho admits, “but I’m still not sure I will
last long. I even stretched myself for you.”
Yongguk takes a deep breath to calm himself, then kneels on the bed and crawls
towards his boyfriend, lodging himself between the thin thighs. He bends down
to mouth at the inside of Jiho’s leg, moving higher until his face is in front
of his boyfriend’s cock. He gives it a cautious lick, enjoying how hard it is
under his tongue. He doesn’t want to stimulate him too much just yet, he wants
Jiho to come undone on his dick.
Whatever the younger man thinks about himself, Yongguk sees a beauty in his
slim, but strong, body. He moves higher again, licking along the happy trail
and dipping his tongue into the belly button, making Jiho squirm. He finally
reaches the nipples and wraps his lips around one, dusky numb, lapping at it
and sucking, until it’s spit-slick and slightly swollen.
“Come here,” Jiho mutters, and Yongguk catches his lips in a deep kiss, tongue
pushing inside. His boyfriend melts into the kiss, letting him take control.
But he isn’t entirely passive, Yongguk can feel slim fingers wrapping around
his length and stroking it gently, slowly working his cock until it’s rock hard
and leaking precum. Jiho swipes two fingers through the sticky fluid, and pulls
away from the kiss to lick his fingers clean. He moans appreciatively, while
staring into Yongguk’s eyes.
“You little minx,” Yongguk growls, his voice even lower than usually. He
reaches for the lube and coats two of his fingers with it. He uses the other
hand to lift Jiho’s legs and put them on his shoulders, leaving the boy
completely open. He looks at his boyfriend’s flushed face and neck, avoiding
the tattoo of his mom and wandering lower, to finally look at the small,
puckered entrance hidden between Jiho’s buttocks. It seems a bit reddened, but
he is still quite careful when he slides one slick finger inside. It glides in
smoothly, and Jiho moans, lifting his hips even higher. The second and third
finger slide in just as easily, proving that the younger man is definitely as
experienced, and stretched, as he says. He doesn’t need to be stretched any
further, but Yongguk likes the way he feels around his fingers, so he presses
deeper, gently rubbing the walls until he finds Jiho’s prostate. The younger
man gasps, hips jerking involuntarily while Yongguk applies more pressure to
the gland, until Jiho’s legs tremble and he is whining cutely. He turns his
head to innocently kiss his boyfriend’s bony knee, while he uses his knuckles
to stimulate the sensitive bundle. This time, Jiho shouts and Yongguk smirks
against his skin before pulling his fingers out completely.
“Are you ready?”
“Yeah, yes,” Jiho nods enthusiastically, spreading his legs as much as he can
without taking them off his shoulders.
Yongguk holds Jiho’s hips, not wanting him to rush things, and slowly starts to
press in. At first, there is some resistance, Jiho’s body refusing to let in
the thick head, but then the boy takes a deep breath and it pops in past the
tight ring of musles. Yongguk wants to stop, take a short break or he will blow
his load much too soon, but the tightness is sucking him in, and suddenly his
hips are pressing against the back of Jiho’s thighs.
“You are so thick, ah, fuck...” his boyfriend moans, eyes squeezed shut. He
gives him few seconds to adjust. He needs them as well, Jiho is hot and tight
around him like a vice, he can’t even imagine moving without coming. “It didn’t
feel as thick in my mouth.”
If that’s not hot, then Yongguk doesn’t know what is. He gives a tentative
thrust to gauge Jiho’s reaction. He starts a slow rhythm, rolling his hips
almost like he is dancing, never pulling out completely. He stares at where
they are connected, mesmerized by the way Jiho’s reddened hole clings to his
cock, trying to keep him inside. He snaps his hips once, then again, faster,
and then he can’t stop. He is afraid he might be too forceful, but Jiho just
gasps and keens wantonly, grasping at his arms. Yongguk leans down to kiss his
open mouth, it’s messy and raw, and he doesn’t want to stop.
“Baby, open your eyes, look at me,” he croons, and Jiho’s eyes snap open.
Suddenly, he moves his legs lower and wraps them around Yongguk’s waist. Then
he twists his hips, flipping them over and sitting on top of Yongguk.
“Sit up,” he orders, and the older man goes willingly. Jiho’s long fingers wrap
around his cock for a second, so he can sit on it properly, and this position
makes the penetration even deeper.
“Fuck,” he swears, and Jiho laughs. He hugs Yongguk, pressing their chests
together while he rides him. He isn’t moving fast, but he is grinding on
Yongguk, creating delicious pressure and friction. Yongguk palms his hips
encouragingly, then moves his hands to grab Jiho’s ass, fingers dipping between
the cheeks and supporting the younger man.
Jiho’s lips are right next to his ear, and he can clearly hear all the breathy
moans which are so fucking sexy that his cock swells even further, almost ready
to burst.
“How should I call you?” the boy whispers hotly. “Do you want to be my daddy?
My oppa?”
Something doesn’t seem right about it, even if Yongguk can’t really think at
the moment, so he just says, “What do you want to call me?”
And Jiho moans this time, “Hyung...”
That’s better, a shiver runs down his spine, while Jiho continues moving his
hips in circles. He meets every thrust with one of his own, even though he
can’t move much with Jiho’s full weight on him. He sneaks one hand between
their bodies and finally touches Jiho’s hard cock, which is steadily leaking
precum, making their stomachs sticky. It’s silky and smooth in his hand as he
tugs at it lazily.
“Hyung...” Jiho whines. “Harder!”
“You are so fucking cute, kitten,” he smirks but obeys, jacking Jiho of faster
and harder, twisting his wrist every now and then to elicit more of the
delicious moans. Suddenly, Jiho stops moving, body going taut, while he
squeezes around Yongguk’s dick even harder. He presses the tip of his finger
into a slit of Jiho’s cockhead, and it’s enough to tip him over. His boyfriend
comes between them, coating their stomachs with his thick release, and Yongguk
feels a bit cheeky, so he swipes his fingers through the mess and feeds it to
Jiho. The boy eagerly laps at his fingers, eyes never leaving his.
Yongguk slaps his ass and flips them over again, regaining control. In this
position he can easily pound into the younger man with much more force. The way
Jiho is squeezing around him is almost painful, almost rough, he knows he
should add more lube, but he is too far gone to care. It takes few more sharp
thrusts, before he is coming inside his boyfriend to his encouraging whispers.
He pulls out almost immediately after and manhandles Jiho onto his stomach,
shoulders resting on the bed while his ass is raised invitingly. He sits behind
the boy and licks the swollen opening.
“Guk… it’s too soon...” Jiho says weakly, but Yongguk doesn’t listen. Instead,
he coats three of his fingers in lube and puts them inside the stretched hole,
which swallows them easily despite Jiho’s moaning. He wants to try something,
while his boyfriend is still fucked open. He spreads his fingers, feeling his
own cum slipping between them. He adds another finger, when Jiho’s hole is red
and sloppy, and his boyfriend cries out into a pillow, trying to twist away.
“You can do it,” Yongguk coos, keeping him in place. It’s easier than he
imagined, probably because Jiho is far from being a virgin. He tucks his thumb
in and presses it against the opening. “Can I..?”
“Will it fit?” Jiho’s voice trembles, but he sounds curious rather than scared.
It’s obvious that he’s never done this, and suddenly Yongguk wants it even
more, he wants to give his boyfriend something that no one has ever done for
him. So instead of answering, Yongguk pushes against the rim until it gives in,
and this time the younger boy screams. He pushes until the muscles try to close
around close around his wrist. He’s never done it before either, it was
something he researched just in case he had a willing partner, so he stares in
awe at where they are connected. Slowly, he curls his fingers into a fist, and
Jiho sobs.
“How does it feel?”
“It hurts… I’m so full, fuck, feels so good...” Even though he is still crying,
Jiho starts to move his hips, and Yongguk has to slow him down, because he is
getting too careless in his pleasure. He doesn’t want to hurt his boyfriend.
Yongguk gently, carefully fucks Jiho with his fist, until the younger man comes
again, voice unusually high when another orgasm is ripped out of him.
Later, he helps Jiho clean up, his boyfriend is too exhausted to move an inch.
When he comes back from kitchen with some snacks, the younger man is already
asleep, snuggling with a pillow. He looks so peaceful, face relaxed and full
lips slightly open, that Yongguk snaps few pictures of him, before he joins the
other man.
They wake up too early for it to be considered a morning yet, but they still
get up and take a shower together, which ends with Jiho’s lips wrapped around
Yongguk’s cock, making the whole thing much longer than necessary. Not that he
is complaining, especially when his boyfriend pulls out to jerk him off until
Yongguk is coming on his face, water quickly removing the evidence of what just
happened. He would have never guessed, from seeing Zico on TV, that the boy can
be so naughty and seductive.
Jiho is preparing breakfast in an apron only, to protect the most sensitive
parts of his body, and Yongguk lets himself admire his smooth back and firm
ass. His cock twitches, interested in something much different than an
omelette. He moves quietly to cage the boy in, press him against the counter,
half hard dick slotting itself between the supple cheeks.
“You are ready to go again? Can’t you wait a bit?” Jiho asks teasingly.
He probably doesn’t expect Yongguk to drop to his knees behind him. “Don’t mind
me. I’ll have a small snack before the main course,” he says, before his tongue
pushes inside the younger man’s still swollen hole. He hears Jiho gasp, but he
doesn’t look up, focused on the hot heat surrounding his tongue. Jiho is well
stretched, easily letting him in. He tastes like lube and cum, not the most
pleasant combination, but Yongguk can ignore the taste, when the younger man is
already trying to ride his face, hips twisting to get more pleasure.
He pushes deeper, so he can wrap his lips around the rim and suck hard, until
Jiho is keening above him, begging him to go even deeper, do more. He pulls out
to lap at the abused hole, soothing the reddened skin. He didn’t expect Jiho to
be this willing and eager, but when he puts his hands on his boyfriend’s bony
hips, he can feel him shivering with need. He smiles to himself and presses a
loud, wet kiss on Jiho’s right butt cheek, eliciting the reaction he wanted.
“Are you done playing?” this time, the younger man sounds amused.
“Nope.”
But he goes back to eating Jiho out, until the boy turns into a quivering,
whimpering mess, barely holding up, cock deep red and leaking. Yongguk wraps
his fingers around the length, just to feel how smooth and tight the skin is,
he runs his thumb down the thick vein under Jiho’s cock just to hear him gasp.
Then he pulls his hand away and wraps it around Jiho’s thigh to help him stay
up.
His tongue is getting tired, so he adds two fingers to help himself. They reach
deeper than his tongue, and he easily finds Jiho’s slightly abused prostate,
rubs it gently, aware of how sensitive his boyfriend must be.
“...Guk,” Jiho suddenly gasps, muscles clenching around Yongguk’s tongue and
fingers. He is confused at first, but when the younger man breathily tells him
to pull out, he realizes that Jiho already came. Yongguk stands up and hugs him
from behind, quickly jerking off with one hand, until he spills over the small
of Jiho’s back.
“You are so gross. Can I finish making breakfast?”
“Mhm,” he agrees. After a thought, he takes paper towel and wipes his boyfriend
clean. Then he checks his email to see if there is anything urgent, but for
once, his company doesn’t fail him.
After breakfast, they end up in bed again, watching a movie Kyung recommended
to Jiho, who didn’t have the time to watch it before. Yongguk posts a selfie on
his private Instagram, wondering if he will ever be brave enough to post a
picture of them both. It doesn’t feel safe, even if only his closest friends
have access to it. Things happen, people drift apart… He stares at the top of
his boyfriend’s head, thinking.
“Is it okay if I add you on Instagram?”
Jiho pauses a movie for a second and looks up, blinking at him for a few
seconds, “You mean my private profile?”
He isn’t sure that’s what he meant, but it’s even better, so he nods.
“Sure. Here, let me find it for you,” the younger man says and takes his phone,
quickly adding himself. He doesn’t show in any way that he thinks it’s weird
that Yongguk feels the need to ask, even though they had sex an hour ago.
Yongguk relaxes again, finally able to enjoy the movie and Jiho’s solid body
pressing against him.
Halfway through the movie his boyfriend climbs onto his lap and rocks his hips
until Yongguk is ready to go again. When he finally sits on his cock and starts
moving, he does in the same, unhurried way, still watching a movie. There is no
rushed urgency from before, just a slow, gentle raise and fall of hips until
both of them climax.
“I don’t remember the last time I enjoyed sex,” Jiho later admits while they
are waiting for the food delivery, because the younger man suddenly craved
chicken. “You’d be surprised how many guys want to be called ‘daddy’ or ‘oppa’
by another guy. That’s why I...” he quietly says, cheeks red in shame.
“But you don’t like it,” it’s not really a question, at this point Yongguk can
read the other man well enough, and he doesn’t believe that they weren’t able
to see or feel the tension Jiho carries when he is uncomfortable.
“No. But I’d do it for you.”
“I don’t want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”
“You are too good for me,” Jiho sighs.
It makes Yongguk angry. His anger isn’t directed at the other man, but at
everyone who made him think that he is unlovable. At his older brother, who was
supposed to protect him, not throw him to the wolves.
He usually overthinks everything. He hates this part of himself, hates how
crippling it is, how anxious it makes him. But it’s surprisingly easy to say ‘I
love you’ to Jiho. He says it, and instead of being worried or anxious, he
feels relieved. Happy even.
“What? You… what?”
“I love you,” he calmly repeats, unbothered by Jiho’s reaction. The younger man
is shocked, this much is obvious. It doesn’t take him long to pull himself
together and kiss Yongguk like his life depends on it, stopping every now and
then to whisper ‘I love you too’. Their kisses turn heated, and his hands
wander lower to brush against Jiho’s opening. His boyfriend hisses quietly,
reminding him that he might have been slightly too enthusiastic, and they had
sex too many times.
“I can do it, I’ve done it before,” the boy says, probably referring to the
parties. But Yongguk isn’t interested in that. He knows that Jiho can
appreciate some pain, but it’s too much.
So he asks, “Do you want to fuck me?”
His boyfriend pulls away, eyes impossibly wide. “Do you like bottoming?”
“It’s not my preferred position, but I can enjoy it with the right person,” he
adds before Jiho can refuse.
He can count on one hand how many times he bottomed since he’s been sexually
active, but it’s not a big deal. His partners usually assume he is a top
because of his voice and dark looks, and while he likes it better, he doesn’t
mind switching from time to time. Especially with a partner as attentive as
Jiho, who uses almost too much lube and stretches him meticulously, until
Yongguk can’t breathe properly and begs to be fucked. His boyfriend goes slow,
aware that he isn’t used to being penetrated, and he enjoys the unhurried pace
and gentle rocking. Jiho doesn’t try to get as deep as Yongguk did before. The
way the younger man is treating him makes Yongguk think that Jiho got it all
wrong – if anything, he is the one who doesn’t deserve the affection he is
getting. And he will prove it, sooner or later his bipolar will start acting
up. But he is going to enjoy every second he gets to spend with his boyfriend.
They go out after dark, to walk along the Han river, very much like any other
couple. There aren’t too many people there at the moment, just like they
expected. It’s a little too late for most people to be out in the middle of a
week. Unlike other couples, they can’t hold hands, even though Yongguk really
wants to do it. Their hands brush against each other every now and then, and he
has to curl his fingers into a fist, or he will do something stupid. It might
seem safe, but it’s never safe enough for people like them. No matter how much
he wants to feel the warmth of Jiho’s hand in his, how much he wants to kiss
him under a tree, he knows things like that have to be kept in the safety of
their apartments. He isn’t really into public displays of affection, but he’d
rather have an option to do it. It’s frustrating, now more than ever, but he
knows it’s not going to change anytime soon. Walking together, sharing knowing
glances and smiles has to be enough. And it is, but he just doesn’t understand
why the society cares so much. They aren’t hurting anyone.
Jiho rides him into the bed after they come back, and stays over, even though
both of them have work in the morning. He seems happier. There are obvious
signs of tiredness written all over his pale face – but it’s from too much sex
and not enough sleep, not from working himself to the ground, chasing
perfection that’s impossible to reach. In most cases, it’s the chase that
matters, but Jiho isn’t like that. He wants his music to be perfect, but by the
time it’s finished, his idea of perfection changes just a bit. And so the whole
process starts again.
They wake up early, so Yongguk can press Jiho against a counter and kiss him
for half an hour before they have to leave. Jiho drives him to the TS building
but parks behind the corner, so no one can see them together.
He doesn’t think any different, but halfway through the day Himchan corners
him, wanting to know why he is so happy. Yongguk is tempted to tell him
everything, he opens his lips to… but no, not yet. He wants to keep it a secret
for a bit longer.
***** Chapter 6 *****
Natasha’s good friend owns a small, fancy restaurant in the center of Seoul
which guarantees complete privacy, so Yongguk takes Jiho there. He is excited.
He got a call from Jay Park in the morning, inviting him to one of his infamous
parties. Everyone knows about them, but not that many people get to attend. At
least not idols, they are more for the underground rappers, than the popstars.
It’s some elitist bullshit, no other way to describe it, but Yongguk is still
happy that he got invited. He doesn’t need Jay Park, or Joonkyung to validate
him as a rapper, he knows he is good. But ever since he became an idol, he
doesn’t really have a chance to hang out with other rappers all that often.
Until he met Jiho, that is. He still thinks of Junhong as a kid only, thinks
that the younger man hasn’t reached his full potential. And they’ve been in one
group for such a long time, that it just doesn’t feel the same.
Jay said that he can take someone with him, and he immediately thought about
Jiho, who is friends with Jay, or at least knows him better than Yongguk does.
As happy as he is about the invitation, he definitely doesn’t want to go alone.
He isn’t sure he is going to know anyone there, and making new friends doesn’t
come easy to him.
He’s meant to tell Jiho about it right after they were seated, but he gets
distracted by how pretty his boyfriend’s tinted lips look, while he animatedly
talks about a new track he is creating. Then, Jiho swiftly changes the topic to
Minhyuk’s play and Yukwon’s show, and Yongguk still hasn’t told him. He doesn’t
mind, he likes listening to the other man.
Besides, when Jiho is busy with his ice cream and Yongguk finally tells him, he
regrets it almost instantly.
“You’ve heard about Jay Park’s parties, right?” he starts, trying not to sound
too excited.
“Jaebum? Yeah, sure.”
“There is one this Saturday.”
“I know, I got invited,” Jiho is still smiling, but it seems strained now, no
longer cheerful and honest, like when he was praising Minhyuk’s performance.
“Oh. Me too. I was thinking that we could go together. It’s the first time he
invited me, I don’t even know why.”
Yongguk can tell that Jiho is trying to sound cheerful, when he says, “I’ve got
something to do, but you should definitely go, I’m sure it’s going to be fun.”
It sounds forced.
“You don’t like him?”
“No, of course I do. I just don’t go to his parties anymore.”
It clicks then. Yongguk freezes, the chocolate cake on his plate no longer as
appetizing as it was just few seconds ago. Of course Jiho’s been there. It
makes sense, the underground scene is, after all, quite small. It’s hardly
surprising, and yet… It’s a hard pill to swallow.
They finish their desserts rather quickly, not talking too much. The atmosphere
is even more tense in the cab. He really doesn’t want to discuss it with
another person in a car, but they still have at least twenty minutes until they
reach Yongguk’s flat, and his hands are already shaking.
“Did it happen at Jay’s parties?” he quietly asks, just to confirm what he
already suspects.
Jiho doesn’t look at him, when he answers with a simple nod.
“Did he do it to you?”
This time, his boyfriend hesitates. “Not really, no… But I had sex with him,
under different circumstances.”
“But he knew what was happening, he was there, he had to see his friends… And
he didn’t stop them.”
“He wasn’t there to babysit me.”
“He is older, he should protect you.”
Jiho shrugs, his body language clearly showing that he doesn’t want to talk
about it. But Yongguk can’t just get over it, can’t forget that someone he
looks up to – if only because of how successful Jay is, would turn a blind eye
to the obvious abuse taking place under his roof. It both angers him and makes
him feel helpless.
“Drop it. Go to the fucking party and have fun,” Jiho quietly snarls, turning
away from him as much as he can in the limited space.
“I can’t just drop it, and I’m not going to go there and wonder, which of the
guests abused you. God, it would be so much easier, if you weren’t...”
He doesn’t get to finish. Jiho turns to him and furiously whispers, “If I
wasn’t what? A slut? I fucking warned you. I’m sorry that I’m easy, you
should’ve fucking thought about it earlier.”
“No, that’s not… I’m sorry, baby...”
The cab stops and Jiho throws at least twice the amount they owe to the driver,
before he storms out. Instead of going to Yongguk’s apartment, he turns the
other way round, quickly walking away. Yongguk runs after him, but when he
grabs Jiho’s hand, the younger man starts to struggle. Now he can see that his
boyfriend isn’t angry. It would be easier if he was, but Jiho is crying
instead, big, fat tears rolling down his cheeks.
Yongguk is a rapper, he writes lyrics for his band and other musicians. He is
supposed to be good with words, and yet he managed to horrendously mess up with
just a few careless words. There are people around them, but they don’t pay any
attention to them, because despite his height, Jiho is very good at making
himself almost invisible. Yongguk stumbles over his words, as he apologizes and
tries to explain what he really meant. At one point Jiho stops crying and just
stares at him blankly. He doesn’t struggle again when Yongguk leads him towards
the flat.
The younger man agrees to stay the night, but when Yongguk tries to hug him
from behind, Jiho’s whole body goes rigid, so he pulls away. He spends almost
an hour staring at the boy’s broad back, marveling at his own stupidity.
He wakes up as tired as he was when he went to bed, but he accepts it as a sort
of punishment. He goes to the bathroom to take his morning dose of pills, and
finds Jiho sitting on the floor, leaning against the toilet with his legs
outstretched. He isn’t wearing any pants, and his thighs are bright red. When
he comes closer, he notices that Jiho scratched his thighs raw. There is some
blood, not as much as there would be if he used a razor, but the intent is the
same. It finally hits him, that having a partner means being responsible for
his well-being at least to some extent, and it doesn’t just mean protecting him
from the outside world. Sometimes, it means protecting Jiho from himself.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats again, painfully aware that it doesn’t mean much. He
sits by Jiho’s feet and wraps his fingers around one, slim ankle, wanting to
feel the warmth of his body.
“Not your fault I’m fucked up. I’m too much effort,” his boyfriend says
resignedly.
“Don’t blame yourself for my mistakes. I just wish you would seek professional
help.”
They both know it won’t happen. But some of the weight has been lifted, and
when Jiho leaves, he gives him the smallest of kisses to show that they are
going to be okay. Yongguk still calls Kyung, who agrees to come over. He
expects the other man to scold him, but Jiho’s friend just listens to him
intently and provides a valuable insight. After all, he’s been there for Jiho
far longer than Yongguk.
As peculiar as Kyung may seem at first, he is good company, and Yongguk thinks
he won’t mind having him as a friend. At least until the younger rapper doesn’t
start asking about their sex life.
He fires back with a rather harsh, “And how much sex are you having?” before he
remembers everything Jiho said about his friend.
But Kyung just shrugs it off with an easy, “None at all, but I’m getting there.
You know I’m not asking because I’m nosy. I just want to make sure he is
comfortable with everything.”
“I hope I’m not wrong, but he seems to like it,” Yongguk finally admits. “He
is… far more eager than I expected him to be, all things considered.”
Kyung doesn’t say anything for a while, just stares at him blankly, and he
wonders if he’s made a mistake once again. Then the younger man gives him a
wide, happy smile which completely transforms his face.
“I’ve never really seen him eager to have sex. I know he’s had a lot of it, but
he always treated it as something that needs to be done. Eat your veggies,
brush your teeth, get fucked before you go to bed. ‘Eager’ isn’t the word I’d
use, when Hanhae’s hands were all over him. He was… resigned. So if you are
trying to tell me that he is acting like a bitch in heat...”
Yongguk groans and covers his face with his hands in embarrassment. He knows
that Kyung is doing it on purpose, the little smirk betraying his intentions,
but he still isn’t used to people being so crude around him. Especially, when
they are younger, but he can already tell that age doesn’t mean much for Kyung.
He can be perfectly polite when necessary – when the cameras are around, but it
changes completely when they turn off.
“Let me rephrase it, if he is initiating sex and encouraging you, then he
really wants it.”
“Thank you. It means a lot to me, especially after the yesterday’s screw up.”
“You are only human, you will learn to act around him. I know it can be
frustrating, it’s okay. Just apologize, when you fuck up. Try not to make him
feel like shit. You’ll be alright, you’re a good guy.”
Jiho forgives him, like Kyung said he would, but he doesn’t let Yongguk touch
him for a while. That’s fair, he deserves it. Or at least he thinks it’s his
punishment, before he catches Jiho staring at himself in the bathroom mirror
with the look of utter contempt on his face. It makes Yongguk realize that his
boyfriend doesn’t like himself much, to put it mildly, and probably doesn’t
want him to see his ‘disgusting’ body.
                                      ***
Yongnam’s visit reminds him of the fact that he hasn’t really introduced his
boyfriend to his brother. Not that he’s met anyone from Jiho’s family, but it’s
different. If he ever meets Taewoon, he will probably end up punching him in
the face. Yongnam, on the other hand, is a decent guy. A bit loud, but nothing
like Jihoon or Daehyun. That’s another thing, he should probably tell his group
that he is dating Jiho. It’s been going on for a bit too long for him to hide
it from them, especially since Himchan told them almost immediately about his
relationship.
He doesn’t expect anyone else, so the doorbell startles him. Yongnam gets up
before he can even think about moving from he is sprawled on the floor with
Tigger. When his brother doesn’t come back, alone or with a guest, he goes to
check up on him and finds Jiho pressing Yongnam against the wall, kissing him.
For a second, he sees red; then he remembers that he hasn’t told his boyfriend
that he has a twin brother and Jiho, being Jiho, probably didn’t look online
for Yongnam’s pictures. Why would he? It really shouldn’t matter. He is so
surprised, that he lets them make out for a few more seconds, before he clears
his throat. Jiho turns to look at him, and his eyes are comically wide when he
looks back at Yongnam. He quickly disentangles himself from Yongnam’s arms, and
his brother has the guts to laugh.
“I forgot to mention that I have a twin brother, that’s on me,” Yongguk says,
but Jiho flees the scene before he can add more, hiding in the bedroom. Yongnam
is still laughing, so he glares at his brother, “Why did you let him? You
aren’t even gay!”
“I didn’t know you had cute guys throwing themselves at you, and lips are lips.
He is a good kisser. That being said, he wants something from you, so I’m going
home. Call me later!”
Yongnam is still chuckling, and Yongguk has to admit that it is a little funny.
He isn’t exactly happy about his boyfriend making out with his brother, but
it’s amusing.
He finds Jiho on a bed, face hidden in a pillow. Yongguk sits next to him and
tugs at the pillow, until the younger man looks up, face a lovely tomato shade.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. I’m so used to everyone knowing about my brother, that I
haven’t even thought about telling you.”
“I told him I want him to fuck me,” Jiho mumbles almost incomprehensibly.
“What?”
“Before we started kissing, I palmed his crotch and begged him to fuck me.”
Yongguk can’t help it, he snorts loudly, only slightly jealous. Yongnam would
never sleep with a man, even if he let one kiss him. He rolls Jiho over and
moves to sit on his hips, ass pressing against his boyfriend’s soft cock.
“Let’s do it properly this time,” he half-jokes, but Jiho bites his lip
prettily and then begs.
Yongguk is a little rough, the way Jiho likes it when he is in a certain mood,
all thoughts of Yongnam forgotten. At least it was a pleasant first meeting.
They meet again only a week later, when Natasha invites all of them to a
houseparty. There are few other people, barely fitting in the living room. Jiho
has to sit on Yongguk’s lap. Yongnam offered his, but Natasha slapped him
lightly before Yongguk could.
Jiho is good around people, or at least better than he is. He is content with
watching his boyfriend chat amicably with Tasha’s friends. One of the girls is
heavily pregnant, she looks like she might give birth any minute now, but his
sister claims that there are still two months left. She already has a five year
old daughter, who came with her, and when the girl gets, bored Jiho slides off
his lap to play with her. He is good with children too, knows how to talk to
the little girl, treating her like a small human, and not just a child. The
girl seems to appreciate it, asking him to pick her up, which Jiho does without
much convincing. He looks good with a child in his arms, like a dad, although
he is still a bit too young to be one.
Mostly because of his depression, and maybe because of his career.
This time they go back to Jiho’s apartment, and his boyfriend’s face is still
flushed, he is glowing with happiness. They take their time in the shower,
before landing in bed with a bowl of chips and a shitty, American movie playing
in the background.
Yongguk thinks about the day they had, about Tasha’s pregnant friend and about
Jiho’s big hands supporting the girl, when she suddenly decided to climb the
bookcase. He kisses the top of Jiho’s head – his boyfriend likes to rest with
his cheek pressed against Yongguk’s chest, and decides to come out clean.
“I always wanted to have kids,” he says, putting his hand on the nape of Jiho’s
neck and rubbing it soothingly. “At least two. I love children.”
His boyfriend hums in acknowledgment.
“I thought you should know, since we are together, and I love you.”
“I love kids too, but I gave up on this dream.”
“Because you are gay?”
“Yeah.”
“My sister...” Yongguk clears his throat, suddenly embarrassed. Natasha pulled
him aside to tell him that he should definitely keep Jiho, but his boyfriend
still doesn’t know her too well, so talking about her in this context is
awkward. “She told me that she will be my surrogate, when I find the right guy.
So, yeah, I guess it’s not a problem. I know we could adopt a child from
another country, but it would be easier and quicker, and both of us would be
related to the child.”
The last thing he expects is for Jiho to bite him, but that’s exactly what
happens. His boyfriend turns his head slightly and then bites his collarbone.
It’s not even painful, just unexpected, so he yelps manly.
“Why would you bite me?”
“I’m happy.”
“What?”
“You made me very happy.
Sometimes, Jiho is the weird one.
Things aren't always easy.
Yongguk can hear someone knocking, then pounding on his door. He knows he
should get up and open, it’s probably his group. They have a live show to
record today, he knows they do. But his legs and hands feel impossibly heavy,
like they turned into metal during the night. he’s felt it before, even if it’s
not as severe as it was back then. He doesn’t understand, he took his pills
diligently, he felt happy most of the time. And yet. He’s been told that his
medication won’t work forever, but he was naive enough to think it will work
for at least a year. His mind is already whispering things to him that he
doesn’t want to hear, and at this point he is still able to tell they are not
real. How long will it last?
He is crying quietly, tears slowly making their way down his face, soaking into
the pillow. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, it’s a rather foreign
concept at the moment, Himchan and other guys come into his room. They must
have used the spare key he gave them in case of emergency. At first, they are
angry, telling him to get up. But slowly, the calm down and look at him
worried.
“You can’t get up, can you,” Himchan says, and it’s not really a question, even
if it’s worded like one. “Gukkie, please, try to get up. You know we can’t
reschedule, it’s so important for B.A.P.”
“I know,” at least he can still talk, even if it’s just to disappoint them
further.
“Please...” Himchan begs, and Yongguk really wants to get up, but he doesn’t
think that the show is worth it. There aren’t many things worth getting up for.
“I can’t.”
His friends whisper between themselves and then leave is room without closing
the door properly. He can still hear them when they call Natasha and put her on
a loudspeaker so everyone can hear her. They probably don’t want him to hear
it, but it’s too late.
He hears Natasha telling them that she is at a tattoo convention in London and
that their brother came with her, so they can’t come over. But then she
promises to message someone who might help, and Yongguk’s heart beats a bit
faster when he realizes that she probably means Jiho. His mind is trying to
tell him ugly things about his boyfriend, but he is still stronger. Jiho
doesn’t hate him, he knows that.
He should take his pills. He can’t get up, but he should ask someone to bring
them to him, even if they aren’t working properly. He should take a higher dose
and hope for the best. Instead of doing any of that, he waits. He waits for the
doorbell to ring. After it does, he hears his friends’ exclamations of
surprise, when they see the newcomer. He can’t hear their conversation, since
they are probably whispering, but Jiho is still wearing shoes when he comes in.
That’s the first thing he notices, because he can’t make himself look up. What
if the younger man is disappointed? Disgusted, now that he finally sees how
wrecked Yongguk is? Or worse, what if Jiho pities him, he won’t survive that.
“They told me you won’t get up. But you are responsive, so it’s not as bad as
it could be?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll grab your meds and be right back, don’t go anywhere,” there is a hint of
a smile in Jiho’s voice, and any other time he probably would find it funny.
The younger man returns after a second and puts his pills on a nightstand, not
trying to force-feed him. Then he slowly lies next to him, like he is afraid
Yongguk might panic, if he moves any faster. Jiho doesn’t try to touch him, but
he puts his hand between them, giving him a choice. He doesn’t seem too
bothered by the fact they have an audience, focusing on Yongguk only.
“You really need to get up, you only have half an hour before you absolutely
have to leave the house.”
“I don’t want to.”
“I know,” there is a pimple forming on Jiho’s chin, he must be stressed out
about something, because his skin is usually flawless. “But I think you can do
it.”
“Jiho...”
“Hmm?”
“I will never be normal. You have a chance, so maybe you should just leave.
Don’t let me drag you down with me.”
“Don’t be stupid, hyung. You are the sanest person I know,” Jiho jokingly says,
then adds completely serious, “I won’t leave you, until you get bored of me.”
“You are very entertaining, it won’t ever happen.”
“That’s one way to say ‘frustrating’.”
Yongguk wants to smile, but he can’t, so he settles on finally touching Jiho’s
hand. It’s cold and very pale, but he is used to it by now.
“Can we make a deal?” Jiho quietly asks, this time not wanting the others to
hear. “If you get up, take your pills and go to the show, I will schedule a
visit with your doctor.”
“I know I have to see her, how is that a deal for me?”
“Not for you. I mean, that too, the sooner, the better, but I meant for me.”
Yongguk’s body doesn’t even give his mind a chance to analyze it, he
immediately sits up, as if someone pulled at his strings. So far, Jiho has been
very adamant about not getting any professional help, trying to deal with
everything alone and self-medicating with alcohol. For him to offer something
like that is a huge step, and Yongguk tries his best to completely switch off
thinking as he gets off the bed and, one by one, swallows his pills. His legs
still feel extremely heavy, but he pushes through it. Days like this, he might
hate himself more than anything else, but he is still strong enough to do it
for Jiho.
He knows he should quickly wash up, but that’s too much for him. He gives Jiho
a short kiss, since the cat is out of the bag already and he just wants to do
it, show his friends that he is worthy of being loved too. Usually, he would
drive with his bandmates, but this time he drives with Jiho. He can feel the
higher dose of medication slowly kicking in, but it’s not enough to make him
feel normal. But it’s enough to keep him in one piece through the show, and
Himchan has already scheduled the appointment with his doctor.
The MCs don’t even notice that something is wrong with him, since he is usually
very quiet. And they probably don’t really care about him too much with
Youngjae, Himchan and Daehyun around. It suits him just fine, he can focus on
not crying. It requires far more concentration from him than it should, but it
works, and it’s the only thing that matters.
He is surprised to find Jiho waiting for him after the show, and when he asks,
his boyfriend tells him that he cleared his schedule. He makes it sound casual,
but Yongguk finally breaks down crying and can’t stop. He is still crying, when
Jiho leads him to his doctor’s office. It’s not a good session, he is
disappointed with himself, even if the doctor says that it’s normal and is
probably going to happen again. He doesn’t want it to be a part of his life,
but he doesn’t have a choice. It’s scary. He leaves with a new prescriptions
and a slightly different doses of his old meds. Jiho leaves with an appointment
scheduled for the next week.
Jiho stays the night. Then another, because it’s going to take some time for
Yongguk’s new drugs to start working, and he needs someone to watch over him.
He feels better with each passing day, but he still doesn’t understand, why
would Jiho want to stay with him. He doesn’t voice his thoughts, because his
boyfriend gets both angry and sad when he does.
Jiho’s eyes are puffy when he gets back from his own appointment, and he is
clutching a brown paper bag. He sets it in front of Yongguk, and slowly pulls
out three different bottles with colorful pills inside.
“We are the same,” the younger man says. Their medication is different;
fortunately, Jiho isn’t bipolar, but Yongguk feels better when he stares at the
pills.
He isn’t alone. He chokes up a bit, and for the first time in a week, it isn’t
because his mind is tearing itself apart.
End Notes
     Well, life is kicking my ass, I got laid off from one of my jobs, so
     please check out myTumblr to see how you can help me.
     Stan B.A.P and Block B <3
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