Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/6672994.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Regulus_Black/Sirius_Black, Orion_Black/Walburga_Black
  Character:
      Sirius_Black, Regulus_Black, Lily_Evans_Potter, James_Potter, Orion
      Black, Walburga_Black, Various_Death_Eaters
  Additional Tags:
      Brother/Brother_Incest, Alternate_Universe_-_Canon_Divergence, Rape/Non-
      con_Elements, Child_Abuse, Parent/Child_Incest, (sort_of?), Implied/
      Referenced_Drug_Use
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-04-27 Chapters: 3/3 Words: 37926
****** Unable Are the Loved to Die ******
by tenrousei_kuroi
Summary
     What good is life without a little Alternate Reality fanfiction? As
     suggested by Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Sirius's
     younger brother "panics about what he [is] being asked to do" and
     gets himself into a bit of trouble because of it (pg. 112, North
     American Edition). Now Sirius has the option to leave Regulus to be
     killed or maybe, just maybe, get over himself and accept that some
     people exist in shades of grey.
Notes
     Written about ten years ago (yikes), shortly after the release of the
     5th Harry Potter book. So that's why there's no mention of horcruxes,
     etc. Also why Lily is the wrong age.
     Title credit to Emily Dickinson.
See the end of the work for more notes
***** Chapter 1 *****
start chapter one
Section I
Fucking weather, thought Sirius grumpily. As if England wasn't depressing
enough with the current state of things, now there was rain coming down
sideways, coating the roads so thickly that Sirius felt as though he was wading
through a lake.
Shit. He kicked at the ground, sending water flying up everywhere. His robes
were already soaked through, and his boots were never going to be properly dry
again. He was angry that it was putting him in a really foul mood just before
he was to present his findings to the Order. He couldn't waltz into
Headquarters soaking wet and spouting off expletives, he had enough trouble
getting respect from the older wizards as it was.
This business of wandering the dark, and soaking, back streets of Knockturn
Alley was really just bad timing. He needed to meet up with the others in less
than twenty minutes but first he had to get his hands on some potions of a
rather sensitive nature. Drugs he supposed would be a more blatantly honest
term but either way he was almost to the front shop now and this wasn't
something he wanted to postpone any longer, he was running low.
Sirius shook his head a little. Stress relief sure was getting harder to find,
and more expensive.
The rain was easing up a little, however, and it was probably that factor alone
that allowed him to hear what he did. The voices, which would have otherwise
been lost in the mindless drone that was the rain on and all around his head,
rang clear, if slightly faint, straight into his ears. He froze.
"What in the hell do you think you're doing, huh?"
Sirius melted into the brick wall, converted immediately into a stealth mode of
sorts. He inched his way down the alley and finally peered around the corner.
There was a small group of people, four to be exact, and he was, unfortunately,
rather well acquainted with several of them.
Death Eaters. Well, he supposed it was fitting. Here he was, blowing off the
Order of the Phoenix like the irresponsible and selfish person he was, and who
should he run into but a group of the very terrorists he was supposed to be
undermining.
For a moment he considered high tailing it, just turning around and apparating
straight to Dumbledore. Everyone was already gathered for a meeting anyway, he
could grab some of the others, be back here in an instant, and they could
frighten, capture, or kill these sorry sons of bitches. However something
stopped him. These were Voldemort's soldiers as he had never seen them before.
They seemed to be, in a way, off the clock. No masks, no organization
whatsoever. They weren't even wearing robes, just shirts and jeans. No, right
now these were just people.
And it was what they were saying that fascinated him. He stepped closer to
listen in; the three Death Eaters who were standing had their backs to him, and
were effectively towering over the fourth person who was either one of them, or
else some unfortunate victim. Sirius was in little danger of being seen.
"You, IDIOT,"the tallest one growled. It was Rodolphus Lestrange, and he looked
the worse for wear. The rain had matted his hair to his head and face, and his
movements were jerky. He glanced to his sides now and then, as if terrified
someone was going to sneak up on him.
Well somebody is, you sorry bastard, thought Sirius. He closed his hand around
the handle of his wand, readying himself for if any of them turned a full
hundred and eighty degrees.
The man standing next to Rodolphus was Lucius Malfoy, and Sirius thought if the
Ministry could see him now, he'd be in Azkaban just for looking the part of a
crazy person. He was disheveled, and his shirt was torn and untucked. He was
screaming, literally raving. He actually spun in a complete circle at one
point, but was in such a rage he didn't even see Sirius who was, by this point,
only ten or so feet away. Instead he steadied himself and kicked the surrounded
person. Hard. Sirius heard a muffled scream after the sickening thud that was
bones being jarred by the toe of Malfoy's boot. He grimaced. The fallen man's
left arm was sticking out at an odd angle and in between the six legs that
surrounded him, Sirius could see a faint mark—the Dark Mark. So the fourth man
was one of them as well. All pity vanished from Sirius's heart.
And then the final standing murderer was someone Sirius had not seen in a good
number of years, but he bore such a strong resemblance to Rodolphus that in all
likelihood he was his younger brother.
"Fucking hell!" Malfoy screamed. "We're dead! Every last one of us and for
what? Because you, you are a coward."
The older Lestrange picked the Death Eater up off the ground and slammed him
hard into the wall at the end of the alley. He had his hand pressed firmly over
the other one's face, fingers digging into his flesh, and he ground his head
against the brick. "He's going to kill you," he hissed. "And torture us because
we were involved. You back out on us; you've betrayed the Dark Lord."
"No," the man gasped. "It's not, I just—you don't—"
Malfoy stepped forward again. Sirius watched unfeelingly as he drove his hand
into the other Death Eater's open mouth, grabbing hard. The sound of rain
didn't quite cover up thepopand crackof the jawbone. Malfoy's thumb was cutting
into the underside of the man's jaw and he could speak no more, only gurgle and
moan. Lucius flung him to the ground and kicked him again, this time in the
face.
"FUCK!" he screamed again, tearing at his own hair. "Do you not understand what
you've done?"
"I haven't—" insisted the man. Sirius's eyes were wide with interest by this
point. What could this Death Eater have done to make his own partners turn on
him like this? He imagined the possibilities would make quite a long list. The
Death Eaters were, as a general rule, a fairly emotionally unstable group.
"That's right, you fucker," Malfoy growled. "You didn't do what you were told.
Is it really that hard? You had…ONE order. ONE! And you couldn't carry it out."
"I couldn't, Lucius!" the man screamed from the ground. The words came out
thickly from the injuries to his face and the spatter of warm, syrupy blood
that seeped out the corner of his mouth. Sirius still couldn't tell who it was,
his face was pressed into the pavement and the surrounding Death Eaters were
huddled too close.
Then Rodolphus kneeled down on the ground. He seemed a little calmer, but if
anything he was more dangerous. He grabbed the man's shoulders and heaved him
up into a sitting position. Looking him in the face, he spoke almost softly, so
that Sirius had to strain to hear him. "If you're for our cause you're in all
the way, there's no partial loyalty. The Dark Lord gave you a command, and
after promising to carry it out, you didn't. Now, does that sound like faithful
service to you?"
"You don't understand—" he started to insist, but stopped in mid-sentence and
started coughing violently into Rodolphus's shirt. Rodolphus flung him back to
the ground and stood up.
"Disgusting!" he exclaimed, and began furiously wiping his front. "Fucking
blood all over me, and," he looked closer. "Ah, shit."
Upon noticing the fallen man squirming on the ground in such a manner that
suggested he was trying to stand up, Rabastan moved forward and stomped his
heel down on his wrist. Something snapped, and the man screamed as Rabastan dug
his heel down harder, grating the joint against the pavement. Tiny chips of
rock embedded themselves into the skin, blood veins swelled and then burst.
Rabastan growled.
Malfoy, however, seemed to be calming down. He wiped rain and grime off his
face and smoothed his sleeves. "All right," he said suddenly. He pushed both
Lestranges back away from their victim. "We can fix this."
Sirius realized then that his mouth was hanging open and gathering rainwater.
He nearly choked, but managed to quiet himself.
"Just what are we supposed to do? We are not going to get away from this."
"It is simple," Malfoy insisted. He turned his full attention to the brothers
and Sirius got his first glimpse of the man on the ground. No, suddenly he
didn't look like a man, more like a boy, a teenager. Sirius wondered why his
heart was still unfeeling towards the situation.
The kid had dark hair, but his face was too disfigured and covered in blood to
be recognizable. This is what Sirius told himself.
Malfoy continued. "We don't need him. We continue with our mission as planned,
only first we kill this worthless traitor and then one of us will just have to
do his part ourselves."
Now the kid on the ground was curled up in a ball, and crying into his knees.
He seemed to know he wasn't going to live much longer, but he still cried out
for his mother—and fordaddy.
A small smile formed on Sirius's face. Any previous thoughts of leaving the
scene for help were now truly gone. This was even worth being late to the
meeting for, hell, it was worth postponing his drugpurchase for. He was going
to get to watch these monsters kill one of their own. He felt like a teenager
getting his hands on a dirty magazine. His whole body positively tingled. This
pathetic kid was going to bite it soon, and then there'd be one less useless
person in the world. If you weren't going to fight for what was good, you could
at least bother to be faithful to your dark master, Sirius reasoned.
If you weren't us you were them. And all of them deserved to die, by whatever
means available. It was simply the truth.
"Great," muttered Rabastan. "We've all got our own shit to do and now one of us
has to kill Sirius Black as well? Fucking great."
"Shut up, and quit your goddam whining, it's not like we have a choice."
Kill him? My, things were certainly very interesting after all. Sirius almost
allowed himself to laugh silently as he pretended to wonder just why on earth
Voldemort would think this stupid child soldier would have even a chance of
getting close enough to him to kill him.
Sirius was briefly struck by his own cruelty. He found himself wondering what
James or Lily would do in this situation. Of course the idiots would try to
help this useless deserter. Why wouldn't he do the same, if he and James were
so very similar?
But no, he and James were not so similar at all, and he sure as hell wasn't
anything like Lily. They weren't weighed down by constant misery and guilt.
They'd done only good with their lives; they hadn't ever taken advantage of
anyone. They'd only ever loved and been loved in return.
Sirius wasn't even sure if he knew real love when he saw it anymore, his mind
was so warped by this point.
"Fine, whatever, just fine," Rodolphus's voice snapped Sirius out of his
reverie. He was standing so very close to the group of them now, it was truly
amazing they hadn't noticed him.
Braindead fuckwits, Sirius smirked.
"I guess I'll do it," Rodolphus continued.
"Do what? Kill him or Big Brother?"
Sirius's smile briefly faltered.
"Him, you idiot, Malfoy can kill the Blood Traitor."
"Oh why thank you for volunteering me, Lestrange!"
"Shut the hell up, Malfoy, god." Rodolphus turned and looked down again at his
victim. The kid was shaking; his back was twitching, then soon having spasms
which quickly escalated to what looked like an all-out seizure. "Sorry, kid,"
Rodolphus shrugged. "I almost kind of liked you for a while there…no, stop
crying for him like that, your big brother isn't going to come help you now, he
never liked you anyway, remember?"
Regulus mumbled and took in great, shuddering breaths. It seemed to be all he
could do.
In what a normal person might have considered to be overkill, given Regulus's
current state of mind and body, Malfoy smiled a crooked little smile and raised
his wand, murmuring in that soft, regal voice of his, "Legilimens."
Regulus's body convulsed on the ground and then finally, perhaps mercifully, he
was still, the slow heaving of his chest the only sign indicating that he was
still alive.
Then an abrupt, harsh sound reminiscent of a laugh left Malfoy's mouth. "No, he
really didn't love you at all, did he? But it sure seems like he had some
serious fun with you there for a while." Malfoy was looking at Regulus with
disgust and contempt. "No wonder you were so eager to join up, if you're so
used to being used by everyone."
"Don't be cruel, Malfoy," Rodolphus insisted mildly. "Now let's just get going.
One of us is still going to have to explain to the Dark Lord why we wasted such
a potentially useful recruit. Everybody start thinking how exactly we're going
to word our explanation…and practice your occlumency." He raised his wand
lazily and pointed it directly at Regulus's chest. "Later, Black, too bad
you're such a coward. You had the perfect opportunity to get back at that
disgusting brother of yours, but you wasted it. Now there's nothing you can do,
and Sirius is too weak to save you even if he wanted to—"
Weak. That struck a nerve and Sirius was finally spurred into action. Growling,
he sliced his wand through the air. "Multos," he screamed. Nobody called him
weak.
More than a dozen shadowy figure burst forth from his wand, each strongly
resembling a cloaked wizard, and Malfoy, Rodolphus and Rabastan all spun around
wildly, taken completely off guard.
They didn't even attempt to understand what they were seeing. A good look would
tell them they were staring at harmless smoke humans which were already fading,
but they had been so startled that, thinking themselves hideously outnumbered,
they fled. They apparated so quickly they probably splinched themselves.
Well, good, Sirius thought as his smoke people faded into nothing, although he
would really have liked to have gotten a few good curses in there before the
Death Eaters had fled.
This left him quite alone in the alleyway with his brother, who didn't even
seem to notice he was there. Regulus hadn't moved—hadn't even flinched—when
Sirius had cast his spell, as if he was still stuck in the memories that Malfoy
had pulled to the surface and was no longer even aware of his surroundings.
Sirius refused to go much closer than two or three feet from him, because the
rain had worn down to a steady trickle and he didn't want to step in the now
stagnant pool of blood surrounding the fallen Death Eater.
Sirius sighed. What, just what, was he supposed to do now?
"Sir…us?" Regulus had opened his eyes. Sirius didn't answer him.
Regulus tried to sit himself up but with only one working hand the attempt
didn't go over too well. He fell back down, and didn't try again. Instead he
repeated his brother's name. When he moved his mouth, Sirius could see bright
blood between his teeth, and his face adopted a revolted expression.
"I'm assuming this is yours?" Sirius finally spoke, pointing to a wand fallen
some ten feet to the left. He walked over and picked it up. He recognized it
immediately; it was definitely Regulus's wand. "Well, I guess I'll just keep it
then," he said in an offhand voice.
Regulus was quite quiet. Sirius wondered briefly if he had died.
Would be for the better, he thought. Sirius wasn't sure executing his brother
would bring him so much joy as he might have thought.
But then Regulus started to dry heave, still very much alive, and Sirius swore
under his breath. Well, maybe he hadn't quite become a cold blooded killer yet,
but he had been rendered cynical enough to think leaving Regulus for dead was
an agreeable compromise. Let Voldemort and his faithful Pureblood Slaves take
care of the waste of space that was Regulus Black.
Well maybe that wasn't true, hadn't Regulus been useful for some things?
"You're…leaving?" Regulus managed to choke out in between stomach convulsions.
"Yes," said Sirius simply.
"Will you," Regulus paused to cough into the ground. It was something of an
accomplishment that he could speak at all; his lower jaw was positioned much
too far to the left. "Will you take me with you?"
"Of course not," Sirius hissed. "You're as good as dead anyway when your little
friends get back, and besides, you're of no use to me like this, all banged up
and unable to move…not so pretty anymore."
Regulus looked up at him briefly, eyes dull. It seemed to take a great amount
of effort just for him to move his head. Sirius walked around most of the blood
carefully and then, arms stretched as far from his own body as they could go,
he lifted Regulus roughly off the ground by his arms. Regulus seemed to be
trying to say something, but he couldn't form the words anymore.
"However," Sirius said, holding his brother against the brick wall with one
arm, the other loose at his side. "If you get the chance to talk to anyone
before they kill your worthless ass, don't tell them I never did anything for
you."
Then he punched Regulus hard in the head—probably hard enough to knock him
out—and with both his and his brother's wands in his pocket, he apparated
straight to Order Headquarters, by that time truly furious that he was covered
in rain and quite without any drugs.
section II
"Okay, now run this by me one more time again, Lily."
Lily rolled her eyes as she threw her duffel bag to the ground. "We've both
told you, Sirius! We're hiding from Voldemort, is it really that difficult for
you to understand?"
"You and James, I get," said Sirius, eyes his two friends as they began rifling
through their bags for anything that needed to be put away in the kitchen or
living room. "After all you're a Mudblood and James has been marked for dead
for a while now, honestly I'm surprised Dumbledore didn't deem you both useless
and lock you up long before now…but why do I have to be here?"
James took a deep breath and looked up from the floor, his arms still elbow
deep in his suitcase. "Because, retard, you were the one who just went and
blabbed to the whole Order about how Voldemort had specifically ordered your
brother to kill you."
"Yeah," Sirius scoffed, throwing his own bag onto the sofa. "And look where it
got him," he reached into his pocket and took out Regulus's wand.
"Motherfucker's dead. This's all that's left of him," he examined the wand
closely.
"Sirius, stop complaining and help us unpack!" James said angrily. "If you want
to go and…well if you need to go reflect for a while about Regulus that's fine,
but otherwise get your ass in gear and help us make this place habitable. We're
going to be here for a while!"
"I am not going to go cry my eyes out in my room over Regulus," Sirius said
coldly. "I'm glad that he's dead. First Father, now him. All that's left is my
Mother, it's like Christmas came early."
Lily stood up, a set of dishes in her hand. "Sirius, number one: you are a
terrible freaking liar, and number two: take these dishes into the kitchen for
me."
Sirius shrugged his shoulders and obliged, losing the desire to argue.
When he returned to the living room, James and Lily were meandering around it,
flicking their wands absently, changing the wallpaper, summoning knick-knacks
to place on the mantel, and lighting up the fireplace.
James started putting up pictures he'd packed in one of their suitcases.
"You wanna' go fix up the bedrooms, Sirius?" he asked without looking at his
friend. "I've got some sheets and comforters in my suitcase. There are alarm
clocks in Lily's duffel bag."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure whatever. Have to wake up on time for all
the important work we're going to be doing for the Order."
Lily laughed from where she crouched in front of the fire. "Oh just be happy
you're alive, Sirius, that you get to live. We're safe here in this house. Sure
I'd rather be fighting, but if Dumbledore wants us kept safe then I am not
going to fight the man on it. Even if it is just a thinly veiled move on his
part to get rid of three over-eager and obnoxious teenagers."
"You're nearly twenty-two—"
"Besides, Padfoot, you're still in some danger."
"Oh really?"
"Oh yeah," James smirked, smoothing out his shirt. "You're the Secret-Keeper,
aren't you? When the charm kicks in tonight at midnight, you'll be the only one
able to tell people where we are. With you hidden out here we're completely un-
findable."
"So?"
James flung his head back and stared at the ceiling. "So it's your job to leave
once and a while to check in with everyone else, catch us up on all the
important stuff going on, make sure we aren't still hanging out here nine years
after Voldemort's death!"
"Yes, Sirius," Lilly nodded. "You could be killed walking out the door and
apparating to Headquarters."
She and James sniggered.
"Both of you, close your damn mouths. Fucking Secret Keeper," he added in an
undertone.
"I suggested they just get a telephone up in here and call us when something
important happens, but nobody seemed to believe me when I said Voldemort
probably wasn't focusing on hacking phone lines."
Sirius was yanking bedsheets out of James's suitcase. "Can't they just send us
an owl?" he griped.
"Dunno', think they might be worried about owls being tracked or something so
we're not going to get much more than the newspaper delivered to us by bird."
"You know, they have cordless phones now," Lily mused.
"Yeah, yeah," Sirius started to march up the stairs, calling back down at his
friends. "And I suppose hooking us up with some two-way communications device
is out of the question? Or Floo or something?"
"Totally," James and Lily both yelled.
"Something about regulations and the Ministry finding out," James explained,
but Sirius was already out of earshot.
===============================================================================
"Lily," said James some several hours later. "This is a bad idea; none of us
knows how to cook!"
Lily continued to rummage through the kitchen gathering dishes and ingredients
they had been supplied with. "We are all in our twenties now, for god's sake we
have to learn to take care of ourselves sometime!"
"We are going to burn down the house," James whined.
"What do you want to do, Jaime, call out for pizza?"
"I appreciate your sarcasm, Lily, I really do."
Lily, who was wearing socks but no shoes, slid across the hardwood kitchen
floor and over to one of the cupboards from which she began searching for
wherever they had earlier placed the spatula. "That will be a good thing if you
ever manage to land yourself a girlfriend or—god forbid—a wife."
"Hey, am I really that ugly?"
"Whoa, which one of us is the one spouting off negative adjectives, man?" Lily
said, her hands raised in defeat, while at the same time Sirius said, "yes."
"Good to see you're still against me, Sirius," James said with mock hurt in his
voice.
"Just voicing the truth."
Lily was now pushing food around in a saucepan with the spatula she had found.
"Oh I just remembered, Sirius, I ran into a man in Knockturn Alley earlier
today—where I was shopping for entirely legal items, James—and he gave me some
stuff he said he had had reserved for you. Then he made me pay for it. It's in
the front pocket-thing of my duffel bag if you want it. Some kind of potion and
a bunch of syringes?"
"Well maybe you won't be so bored here after all," James said as he gathered up
cutlery and plates to set the table. "You can kill yourself slowly on magical
acid trips."
"First of all, never use any sort of drug terminology, Prongs, you don't know
what you're fucking talking about. And Lily? Uh, thanks, I guess. I'll pay you
back sometime."
"You're goddam right you will," said Lily cheerfully. "Here, switch me Jaime,
I'll finish setting the table, you make sure these omelets don't burn."
"Yum, omelets for dinner," James smiled, and he and Lily exchanged forks for
spatula.
Sirius, however, didn't feel like joining in on their playful banter like he
normally would. James and Lily were two of the few people who made him feel
comfortable; at ease, but for some reason he really didn't want to be around
anyone right now. There was this strange feeling creeping around in his stomach
and while he couldn't quite identify it, he knew that he didn't like it.
Even when the three of them were seated at the table, James and Lily eating
happily and trying to convince Sirius to help them come up with plans for
entertainment over the next stretch of time, Sirius didn't feel like doing much
more than mutilate his dinner.
"Last time I cook for you," said James in disgust as he watched Sirius press
the flat edge of his fork down so hard on his omelet that eggs and cheese
spilled out all over his plate.
"Sirius," said Lily with worry. "You know…you know Regulus's death wasn't your
fault, honey. They'd killed him before you even got there; there was nothing
you could do!"
The fork flew out of Sirius's hand and clanged on the table.
James tried to catch Sirius's eye. "I know you pretend you don't care or
anything, but he was your baby brother man, and finding his dead body…and
overhearing those Death Eaters saying…saying why they'd done it, well, that has
got to be hard. I know it does, don't lie."
Sirius was taking deep breaths. Why couldn't they both just shut up?
"I'm really not bothered," said Sirius, eyes looking down and to the right. "I
don't miss him. Besides," he finally glanced at James. "I have you, and you're
a much better brother, anyway."
Brother, maybe, but what about—?
James didn't have anything to say, and neither did Lily, but they both seemed
rather disturbed by Sirius's comment.
Predictably the next few minutes were tense and silent, but things eased back
eventually. James finally broke the depressing mood by looking earnestly to
both Sirius and Lily. "So since we're going to be trapped here for god-only-
knows how long, and none of us has a boyfriend or girlfriend—"
"Actually, James," Lily began.
"I mean no one has a significant other here with us right now. So we are going
to have to get creative. Lily, who do you want to have sex with first, me or
Sirius?"
"Hm," said Lily, taking a drink from her cup of water. "How about you and
Sirius go at it, and I just watch?"
"Maybe when I get really desperate, but not now. How about all three of us at
once, then?"
Sirius went limp and sank incredibly low in his chair, his head lolling to the
side.
"Let me think, James…uh no."
Section III
Alone in his room, staring at the ceiling, Sirius had all the time in the world
to brood. Everything was just so wrong. And why? He was shacked up with his two
best friends under strict orders to do nothing but hang out and slack off. He
was responsible for no one and nothing. This should be perfect.
But he just didn't feel right. There was this sick, spinning in his stomach and
he couldn't make it go away. He felt like a man on his deathbed, looking back
and realizing he'd lived an empty life full of wasted opportunities. Something
was missing.
He had James—his brother—and he had Lily—a best friend. So why did he feel all
alone? He didn't want these feelings to come back.
Angry now, he violently tore off his shirt, and then sat up on the bed with his
head in his hands. He was sweating, and it made his skin slick and sticky.
He needed to get out of that safe house, if only for a little while. Grinding
his teeth together, he locked his bedroom door, threw on a jacket, and was out
the window with practiced ease, as stealthily as if this were some act of
rebellion he must hide from his parents.
It was well into the night by now, but he couldn't see the stars. There was a
dirty fog in the sky, in the streets as well, and shaking his head Sirius set
off down the road with no particular destination in mind.
Suddenly getting a hold of someone—anyone, it didn't matter who—seemed like a
very good idea, a necessity almost. The sickness in his stomach was migrating
down his body. He paused his walking and nearly groaned. Now this was quickly
becoming a situation he was more familiar with, a feeling he could put a name
to, this incessant want that just wouldn't go away.
Sirius wished he had the presence of mind to be thoroughly ashamed of himself.
He should know better than this, and in a bar of all places. Yet there he sat,
downing drink after drink and eyeing people up and down. He could have his
pick, really, he could, but they had to be just right.
No, not so tall as that, and no blonde just wouldn't do. Those eyes, they were
too small, that chest was not flat enough.
It was as if his superego had died back with Regulus in that alley. He laughed
to himself and searched for the bottom of still another shot glass. He knew,
part of him really did know, that he couldn't allow his id to just run rampant
like this, hand in hand with copious amounts of alcohol, but what else could he
do? He'd been running from his past for the better part of five years, swatting
it away like a buzzing insect whenever it tried, meekly, to approach him. Now
he had finally hit a wall (a dead end), there was nowhere left to run, and the
buzzing fly was immortal.
He'd worked so hard to build this new life for himself. He had morals now; he
had a cause to fight for, and friends to support him. Nothing from before all
that mattered and he certainly didn't want anything to do with any of it.
Still, if that was the case, then why was he here? If he wasn't trying to
replace what he'd only just realized he had lost, then why had he come? What
exactly was he looking for?
"You," he said, unable to stand it a minute longer. "How'd you like to go
somewhere a little quieter?"
Rooms with dark, peeling wallpaper, rooms without so much as a hint of light.
That made it easier, but Sirius still couldn't shake the image from his mind.
Everything was so close, but off by just that much, and that made it almost
unbearable. To be so very close…
The hair was dark brown, but no, it wasn't dark enough. It would look better if
it were darker, and shorter. It was too fucking long, well past the shoulders
and all around the face, almost a goddamn hijab. Only the eyes were pretty, a
brilliantly clear blue, but that was wrong too, somehow. Those eyes were too
beautiful for this face that was so ugly, so soft and round. Everything was too
damn soft.
He couldn't stand to grab the shoulders, they were too small, so he tried to
hold on by the waist, but it was…squishy. A small, flat stomach, yes, but there
were no muscles nestled firmly underneath, just fat. It was unsettling. His
hands hastily slid up to grip each side of the face and slowly they tumbled
down to the mattress.
Sirius closed his eyes so tightly it hurt, closed them until he saw sparks; it
was the only way he could bare to kiss trails down the chest and abdomen. He
wanted to gag, but kept going, he needed this.
Weak, weak, so weak. How he would be mocked if any of his friends knew about
this miserable performance. What was he doing wrong? The satisfied sighs and
moans channeling through his ears and to his brain were only pissing him off:
he should be the one making those sounds.
"Fuck."
Just finish, already.
Just like…that.
Sirius looked over. The eyes were closed and a small sigh ghosted out from
between the lips. She seemed contented enough, so why didn't he? He got up
without a word and threw on the bare minimum of clothing. She called after him
sleepily, and in a voice laced with hurt, "hey…wait," but he was already out
the door.
He nearly ran back to the house, pausing only when he reached the window
outside his room, chest heaving. He leaned forward, arms crossed on the side of
the house, face buried in his forearms.
Perhaps he had been lying to himself. Maybe just anyone wouldn't do after all.
Maybe who he really wanted—really needed—was gone. Gone and dead.
He wanted to scream but instead he just cried quietly. He didn't notice when
the rain started.
"Fuck, Regulus. I have never been so mad at you!"
end chapter one.
***** Chapter 2 *****
start chapter two
Section l
Sirius was never one to see things through, or even manage to complete the
half-assed attempts of which most people accused him. This being noted, Regulus
Black was in no way, dead. True he had come frighteningly close. Dislocated
jaws, cracked ribs and granulated wrist bones were painful things, sure, and
when added on top of numerous open wounds on the body of a hemophilic teenager
they were certainly enough to obliterate all will to live, but they did not
always succeed in their quest to be fatal.
Sirius had assumed that Lucius and the others would return to Regulus, but he
had been wrong. Not one of the three men seemed eager to go back to that
alleyway, and Regulus didn't care what their reasons were. Most likely they
would assume the Order had killed him, or possibly, though less likely, taken
him into custody. It was safe to assume that if Regulus's photo wasn't in the
newspaper the next day under the headline 'Black Heir Arrested on Charges of
Political Terrorism'then Voldemort would be informed of his death at the hands
of the Order of the Phoenix. It was perfect, in a way, because so long as
Lucius, Rodolphus and Rabastan believed it to be true, Voldemort would not know
they were feeding him optimistic, if not entirely false information.
Regulus groaned. What on earth was he going to do? Sirius had taken his wand,
he was in so much pain that he was actually starting to go numb, and he
couldn't move his lower jaw.
It would have been a very convenient time for his magic to kick in and come to
his rescue, like it had so many times before, but not for the first time in his
life, Regulus was finding that maybe he didn't want to pull through after all.
He had started to, yes, the bleeding, despite his severe blood clotting issues,
had slowed and finally stopped a few minutes ago. His wrist had begun to throb
and tingle in a way that suggested it was contemplating reshaping itself, and
he had been starting to feel the beginnings of muscles and bone repairing
themselves in his jaw. All that had stopped, however, when Sirius left him
behind.
Honestly Regulus had no idea why he should feel so surprised. He was not good
enough, Sirius hadn't wanted him for years now, and hadn't Regulus done the
final bad thing? Wasn't tattooing his forearm the epitome of all evil? The one
thing for which his brother would never forgive him?
Regulus was realizing this now, but truth be told, a part of him had thought
maybe Sirius would forgive him for it, if he'd understood Regulus's reasons,
but Regulus had been given no chance to explain. Then again, since when was
that anything new?
If Regulus could have laughed without literally losing half his face and
vomiting to boot, he would have, and quite bitterly at that. He could only
imagine how he looked just then. Tears falling so fast he couldn't even feel
them, snot and blood running from his nose, caking over on his upper lip.
And there was so much blood around him.
Regulus made a sort of coughing noise in his throat, and buried his face in the
pavement. He could feel tiny rocks sticking themselves into his skin.
Why couldn't anything go right? If he'd just had a few seconds to talk to his
brother, there were just a few things he'd needed to say. He had to explain to
him, had to make him realize that he'd had a good reason for running with
Voldemort and his Death Eater army! Even if Sirius didn't think too much of his
explanation, at least he would have softened a bit when he realized that
Regulus did in fact have somewhat noble intentions—he had tried to be good!
There was something else that had been urgent, but what had it been?
Regulus was having trouble thinking, there was a blackness clouding areas of
his vision and he blinked hard, unable to decide if slipping into
unconsciousness was what he wanted or not. His mind started to jump all over
the place. What had he been so intent on saying to Sirius?
Regulus wanted to be with his brother, but if the last five years hadn't been
proof enough, this last encounter had driven the point home quite nicely:
Sirius did not want anything to do with him, and if he had truly failed to win
back Sirius's affections, then what was the point of staying alive? There
simply was nothing else.
Regulus was entirely prepared at that moment to lie there, hunkered over in the
dirty alleyway, and wait for death, whether it came from his injuries or the
possible arrival of Ministry Officials—or worse, Death Eaters. However,
something sprang into his mind at the last moment, and he remembered what had
been so important.
The friend of Sirius's, the Peter Pettigrew friend, he was a traitor to their
cause, a double agent. That was what Sirius needed to know!
Well Sirius might not love him anymore, but Regulus could still do him this one
last favor. They were brothers after all, right? There was no way he was going
to let his brother, the one person on this planet that he actually cared about,
be betrayed by one of his so-called comrades.
That thought was all it took for the survival instinct to kick back in, and
Regulus slowly, ever so slowly managed to fix himself up a bit. It took the
better part of several hours, he figured, unable to tell the time with all the
clouds in the sky and the overhanging building eaves blocking the sun, but
still he was finally able to stand. The rain had stopped entirely.
The numbness that came with that final stage of injury, the one that sometimes
preceded death, evaporated at last, and when Regulus could move his jaw enough
to scream, he did. He couldn't focus on any of his other healing injuries at
the moment because his face—his fucking face—was just too much. Doubled over
against the wall, he clutched at his jaw. Several wounds on his cheek reopened
and the blood started to pour anew.
This was as far as he was going to get. He stopped yelling and settled for
quiet, uneven sobs. His magic was done, it wasn't going to do any more, and he
hadn't expected it to. With shaky movements, he tried to walk forward. When he
found he could shuffle around a bit, looking ever the part of an invalid child,
he paused to zero in on his real problem.
Where was Sirius now? He knew, wherever he was, that he was living with James
Potter, but he didn't have much else to go on. He tried to think of something
Pettigrew might have let slip that could help him. He couldn't dare walk up to
any other of the Good Guys, they would take him out on sight, at the very least
cart him off to prison, and he didn't havetime for that. He needed to inform
Sirius now of what his supposed friend was up to, Pettigrew had only just
joined after all. If he waited or was delayed until some real damage had been
done, the value of his action would be cheapened, and Sirius would not
appreciate it.
Regulus had to stop himself there. Sirius would not appreciate his gesture no
matter what. It was dangerous to think that the right sequence of actions might
change Sirius's mind about wanting him dead.
Regulus wished the rain would start up again, and maybe wash off some of his
blood.
Section ll
James knew his friend was a little bit schizophrenic at times, and he had long
ago accepted that as just part of Sirius's quirky nature, but the man had never
been out of it for this long before. James had tried to visit him earlier that
morning, and it had not gone well at all.
Almost immediately James was hit with the realization that Sirius had not spent
the majority of the night in their safehouse, but he didn't dare call him on
it. He didn't think congratulating Sirius on getting laid was in order, either.
Instead he had sat down next to his friend and asked him with raised eyebrows,
"what the hell have you been punching the wall for? Your hands are all
bloodied!"
Sirius had kicked him out shortly thereafter, and James had sighed and made
himself comfortable in the living room, facing the fire.
"Lily," he said when she entered the room, still half asleep. "We need to do
something about Sirius, I think he's really upset."
"Sirius is always, upset," she shot back automatically, but her heart wasn't in
the comment, and she blinked rapidly to wake herself up some more. "But
no…you're right. We need to figure this out. I don't understand what's got him
so miffed."
James leaned forward and fixed his eyes on the ground. He said carefully, "I
think it's his brother. I think Regulus's death is bothering him more than he's
letting on."
"Sirius hates Regulus. Always has." Lies, lies and more automatic lies.
Lily sat down on the floor and leaned her back against the sofa. She flung her
arms over her knees.
"No," said James. "Not always. For the first year or so that his brother was at
school they were actually pretty amicable."
"No shit?" asked Lily incredulously. "Really? Wonder what changed. Well, other
than the Voldemort thing."
"Had to be something more than that," insisted James. He was still staring
resolutely downward, he and Lily managing to have their entire conversation
without making eye contact. "I mean if you, one of my best friends, tried to
turn evil right now, I'd never stop trying to get you back. Same for Sirius. Or
for Remus or Peter or anyone I care about, really. You don't just give up on
people that easily, especially your brother. At least I think so, I don't have
a brother, but I assume that I'd have a pretty strong bond with him whether I
liked it or not, if I weren't an only child."
"No, you're right there, I assure you," Lily said slowly. "Do you think
Sirius'll go to the funeral? I mean, I know we're not supposed to leave this
house but I'm sure it's not like that's going to stop him."
"Yeah, seriously, he was out all last night," James ignored Lily's questioning
look. "But I don't think he was invited, if there's going to be one at all."
"Why wouldn't there be one?"
"I don't know, it just wasn't in the paper this morning, I looked."
"Was there an obituary? Some kind of death notice?" Lily asked.
James shook his head. "I thought Sirius's mother would be making a huge deal
over this, and probably finding some way to humiliate Sirius in the process,
but there hasn't been any news. Maybe they haven't found his body yet?"
"Even in Knockturne Alley he'd have been discovered by now," Lily argued. "Or
at least he'd be reported missing. Something isn't right!"
Suddenly James stood up. "Come on," he said. "Let's go figure out what."
"Huh?" Lily finally made eye contact with her friend.
"Let's go see what the hell's going on!" James insisted, holding out his hand
to pull Lily up. "I say we get out of here, wards or no wards. Let's go to the
Alley, Order Headquarters, the office of the Daily Prophet, Sirius's parents'
old house if we have to!"
Lily bit her lip. "What do you suppose we'll find at any of those places."
"Who knows, but it beats sitting around here."
Lily sighed. "A day," she said, her voice racked with disbelief. "We barely
last a day before we decide to break our words to Dumbledore and go
gallivanting off after some ill-conceived idea of solving a mystery that has
little if not nothing to do with us."
"I'm sorry, you were expecting something else to occur?"
Lily shook her head. "No, I just thought it would at least be Sirius setting
the precedent for such insanity as this."
"Well he did in a way. Like I said, man was out all last night with some whore,
came slinking back in the early hours of the morning."
"Huh?" Lily's mouth dropped open.
"Yep," said James, snatching a couple of jackets from by the door. He tossed
one to Lily. "You can smell it all over him. Anyway, he's up there now punching
inanimate objects, so, the sooner we fix this the better. I don't like to think
of him up there equipped with two wands like he is."
"You're right," said Lily, yanking open the front door and ripping some hair
out of the zipper by her collar. "He's gonna' hurt himself. Okay, ready?"
James nodded once and came forward to stand right next to her.
"Where to first?"
"To Knockturne Alley? That's where this all went down! …wait, no, let's check
Sirius's parents' old house first, that's our best bet!"
"All right," Lily agreed, she nudged James with her elbow. He smiled.
The two of them walked out the door, grabbed hands, and vanished.
===============================================================================
"Regulus Black!"Lily shrieked, pointing. James whipped his head around and
stared. Sure enough, having just slunk out of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place,
and now standing frozen on the sidewalk, staring at the two of them in horror,
was none other than Sirius Black's sixteen year old brother.
For a moment, there was silence, then—
"Get the fuck over here!" James screamed, jumping forward. Regulus jerked out
of his stupor and started running to the side, James in close pursuit. Lily
stared in confusion for a moment more, then dashed after the two of them
herself.
Regulus had a bit of a headstart, but it was clear that he was injured and soon
James was able to catch up to him. He wasn't going down without a fight,
however, and when it became apparent that any instant now James was going to
reach out and grab him, Regulus came to a dead skid, causing James to crash
into him forcefully and the two of them to fall to the ground.
Lily came to a halt beside them.
Regulus's plan had clearly been to slip out of James's grasp in all the
confusion and take off running, or in his case lurching, again, but James had a
death grip on his arm and hair, and was not letting go.
"You are supposed to be dead!" he grunted.
"Let me go, let me go," Regulus insisted, thrashing. "I have go, I need to find
him."
"What are you talking about?" asked Lily gently. Regulus looked up at her, then
he slowly turned back to James, who was busy rearranging himself and Regulus so
that they were sitting up. He resolutely wrapped both arms tightly around
Regulus's shoulders.
It seemed to dawn on Regulus just who he was talking to, and who was currently
restraining him. Suddenly, he stopped trying to escape. Instead, he attempted
to turn around in James's arms to face him. Startled, James allowed him to.
"You!" said Regulus loudly, staring James directly in the eyes. "You'll know
where he is, this is perfect that I've run into you! You've got to take me with
you now!"
"What?" James demanded. "What is wrong with you? Did you hit your head on the
fall or something? You're acting so weird—"
Lily was catching on quicker. "Of course we'll take you to Sirius, Regulus.
Now, you guys, come on, stand up. We're in the middle of London, here. People
are staring."
With a bit of effort, she pulled them both to their feet. "Come on," she said.
"Let's go now, straight back to the safehouse. Dumbledore's going to kill us as
is."
"And he's not going to kill us for bringing a Death Eater past the Fidelus
Charm?" James asked.
"No, because Regulus isn't going to leave,so he won't be able to report
anything to anyone. Also, he's not a loyal servant anymore, remember? He
refused to comply with orders; he's a deserter, James."
James blinked very hard several times.
"Right," he said. "I—just…right. Okay, yeah let's go back. Sirius has some
explaining to do."
"Regulus have you ever apparated before?" asked Lily. He nodded his head
briefly and so she continued, "good, so this won't be that weird then." She led
them both into the shadow of a large building where they would likely not be
seen. Lily put a hand to Regulus's face and brushed some stray blood away from
beneath his left eye. Then she took a tight grip on his wrist and with a crack,
disappeared, leaving James no choice but to take a deep breath, turn on the
spot, and follow in kind.
The running and subsequent falling, followed immediately by a rather jarring
apparation had taken a toll on Regulus's already injured body. He collapsed to
the ground as soon as they arrived back at the house, and Lily had to put an
arm around his torso and nearly carry him to the door. James followed behind
them, then dashed ahead to open the door for them.
"Sirius, we have a bit of a problem, no, more like an inconsistency going on
here, and—!" he started to yell with the intent of drawing Sirius's attention
from his bedroom upstairs, but there was no need. Sirius was standing in the
entryway, as if he had been waiting for them.
Whatever scene Sirius had been expecting, it had not been that of his little
brother being dragged over the threshold by his two best friends who were, in
turn, glaring daggers at him. He started to back away a little.
"We, uh, found your brother," explained Lily, her eyes narrowing briefly. With
a considerable amount of effort, she dragged Regulus to the sofa and laid him
down. "He's in a bit of a state."
"Yes, considering he's dead," deadpanned James.
"Okay," said Sirius slowly. "You've got to understand something…"
"Understand what, Sirius?" Lily flung out her arms and then dropped them back
to her sides as she approached her friend. "That you lied to us?"
James raised an eyebrow at the redhead. "Or more importantly, how about the
part where you stole your brother's wand and left him for dead after he
forfeits his life to save you. Assuming that much was all true, at least, or
were you lying about that as well?"
"No," insisted Sirius, backing further into the living room until his back
collided with the hearth. "I did run into those Death Eaters in that alleyway,
but there was nothing I could do. He was as good as dead, anyway."
"Apparently not," said Lily. Regulus on the couch gave a small moan and started
to sit up. None of the other three paid him much attention.
"Sirius," he tried to say, but they all ignored him.
"Just because we are fighting monsters doesn't mean we have to become them,
Sirius," Lily growled. "What you did was just cruel. What is wrong with you?"
"Really, Sirius, you've been off for a while now, actually. Something's out of
whack with you, and I wish you'd just tell us what it is. We love you man, we'd
try to help."
"Sirius," Regulus called feebly again.
"You guys just don't understand."
"At least give us a chance to," Lily demanded, face to face with Sirius now
with James just behind her. "We deserve some explanation."
Regulus used the last of his strength to kick the coffee table—hard. Sirius,
James, and Lily all turned to stare at him.
"Sirius," he said for the third time, and this time he was heard.
After a moment of silence, Sirius responded coldly, "what?"
Looking at the ground all the while he spoke, Regulus said in a hurried, shaky
voice, "it's your friend, Peter Pettigrew. He's one of Voldemort's men, Sirius,
I sawhim. He's a double agent and I don't think he's in to betray you
specifically right now, but that's where it'll go eventually. Voldemort only
thinks he's useful because he's in the Order, he's close to you and you're
close to Dumbledore. I don't know what you are going to do about it but you
need to be careful around him and all of your organization should probably
know. I tried to tell you earlier in Knockturn Alley but you left before I
could say it. Pleasebelieve me, or you're going to get hurt, and I don't want
you to because I still love—!"
He stopped and took several deep gasps, rocking back and forth a little.
"—you."
Everyone else in the room was stunned. It was James who recovered quickest, and
spoke first.
"Why should we believe you?" James demanded.
Lily came back to herself as well. "Oh, James," she said coarsely. "Don't be an
idiot. He wouldn't lie about something so easy to disprove. One meeting with
Dumbledore and he'd know if Peter was a traitor or not. He's got veritaserum,
he has the amazing ability to roll up people's sleeves and look for Dark
Marks…really I wonder why we didn't suspect this before. I mean, he is perfect
traitor material."
"Lily how can you say that, he's our friend!"
"Shut up, I didn't mean it like that. Of course he's our friend, and of course
I still love him, but we need to do something now! If Regulus is right, then we
need to try and get him to change back. Hell, he can come hang out here and be
safe with us if he wants to, but he cannot let Voldemort exploit his knowledge
of the Order!"
James opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but then stopped for
a moment to think. "All right, you're sorta' right, I guess."
"We need to go to Dumbledore, now!" Lily insisted.
"Lily," James argued. "We've got stuff to figure out here, first!"
"No," said Sirius suddenly. Lily and James turned to look at him. Regulus had
long since slumped down onto the couch cushions and closed his eyes. "No,
James. Lily is right. Dumbledore needs to know now."
"Well how are we going to tell him? Should we leave again? I can't see him
liking that," Lily said.
"He'd forgive us for this," said James, nodding. "Yeah, no, Sirius is right,
Lily, you were right to begin with. Someone's got to go to Dumbledore."
There was silence for a minute. Lily fussed with the sleeves of her jacket.
"It's Sirius's job to meet up with the Order…" she mumbled.
"Yes. But it might be more prudent if someone who wasn't a direct relation to
Regulus related and backed up his story," said James.
Sirius folded his arms. "Then you go, Prongs," he said stiffly.
"Should Regulus go too? Dumbledore's gonna' have questions for him."
"Regulus can hardly move, James. Let alone talk to anyone in a remotely
coherent way, he's passed out on the couch for god's sake, it—" she stopped.
"Regulus?" she asked, concerned. "Uh-oh."
James walked over and kneeled down next to the unconscious Black. "He's out,
all right." He placed a hand on Regulus's forehead. "And he's burning up, wow."
Lily wrung her hands together. "We can't take him to a hospital," she said
nervously. "They'll notice his Mark and that'll cause trouble."
"God, okay, let's just think here for a second," said James. He stood back up
and ran both hands roughly through his hair. "We need—I need to go to
Dumbledore. I'll tell him Regulus is sick and he'll have to wait to talk to
him, but…my word should be enough for him, right? Wait, do I tell him the part
where Sirius went all second-degree murder on his brother? Or do I leave that
out and hope Dumbledore doesn't ask how Regulus came back to life…Dammit,
Sirius, why'd you have to tell the whole Order your brother was dead?"
Sirius didn't respond. He was still standing away from the scene a ways, and
trying desperately to look in on it with an almost cold detachment.
"Just tell him that a Death Eater has defected to our side and is really,
really, sick. As in, he just fell off the sofa and is convulsing in his sleep,
'sick,' so—wait, James grab him before he hurts himself on the coffee table!"
James followed Lily's gaze back to Regulus and gave a small start. Regulus was
on the ground shaking and twitching. He was awake again, or at least his eyes
were open, and he was coughing painfully, though nothing was coming up.
James grabbed ahold of Regulus's flailing limbs and effectively pinned him to
the ground so he couldn't thrash his arms against the wood legs of the table.
"Easy," he soothed.
Regulus went limp except for some occasional shivers, and James stood back up.
"Okay, James, you need to go. Really, just go. Tell Dumbledore the truth,
that'll be easiest. He'll… he'll probably want to talk to us all at one point,"
she shot a narrowed look at Sirius. "But we have to tell him about Peter now.
But James!" Lily added hastily as James had already started walking to the
door. "Make sure to be clear that we want to try and get Peter back.
Maybe…maybe the whole Order doesn't need to know. We could just have Dumbledore
talk with him, I mean, I'm sure he'd see sense? He's probably just scared. I
just—we have to try."
"Yeah, no I got it, Lily," said James honestly. He looked briefly to Sirius.
"Padfoot?" he asked. "Anything you'd like to…add?"
Sirius had a very uncomfortable, impatient almost, look about him. "No," he
quipped. "Just go. Lily, you should go with."
"Huh?" she asked, turning around to face Sirius as well.
"I think you should go with James."
"Now hang on," said Lily fiercely. She started to march up to Sirius, but
almost tripped over Regulus's body lying prone on the floor. She righted
herself and stepped hastily over him, continuing. "You think I'm just going to
leave you alone with your brother? As if you're the person to be fixing him up
right now!"
A barely contained look of exasperation radiated from Sirius's eyes. He grabbed
Lily by the shoulders and shoved her up to James. "Go with!" he demanded. "You
both tracked him down, so you both get to tell the story, okay? Go."
"But Regulus…?"
"James." Sirius glared at his friends. "I know how to take care of my brother.
It was my job for years." He walked away from them, approaching the spot where
Regulus lay. "Go have your rendezvous with Dumbledore if you can track him
down. I'll have Regulus better by the time you get back, seriously."
"But what if—?"
"Go!"
Hastily, they left.
Sirius let out a long breath and crouched down over his brother. Regulus opened
his eyes blearily and Sirius laughed, again and again. Regulus only stared up
at him. When Sirius calmed down a bit, he pulled Regulus up so he was leaning
against the sofa. Sirius held him with one had by his hair and with his other
he seized Regulus's wrist, gripping tightly.
He shook his head. "Fucking god, I thought they'd never leave."
Regulus stared listlessly at Sirius's chest; his shadowed eyes were unfocused.
Sirius's breath skittered over the side of his face. "You got out of that
alleyway," he muttered.
When Regulus didn't respond, Sirius gave him a look of mild indignation. He
snorted. "You snaked your way out of another catastrophe, then," he leaned
closer until he was all but covering Regulus with his own body. "Didn't think
you had it in you…"
Then Sirius was kissing his neck with fervor. He pushed harder and harder on
Regulus's shoulders until he nearly jarred the couch out of the soft indents
its legs had made on the carpet. Regulus leaned slowly to the side, giving
Sirius more skin to work with, and Sirius in turn licked and bit his way up to
Regulus's jaw.
Sirius's hands struggled blindly to unfasten Regulus's robes, but he was
unwilling to stop mauling his brother's face with his mouth long enough to look
at what he was doing.
"God," he murmured. "So long…" he finished unclasping Regulus's outer robe and
yanked it off harshly. Before his hands could find their way under Regulus's
shirt or into his jeans, Sirius stopped himself and placed a hand tentatively
over his own lips. They briefly radiated heat.
"Fuck," he moaned. "You really are boiling alive."
Regulus coughed a little, but otherwise didn't say anything. He really hadn't
expected Sirius to stop, and it almost frightened him that he had. When had
Regulus lost the ability to predict his older brother's actions?
Then Sirius was lifting him up, completely up. Regulus felt his feet leave the
ground and found his head resting on Sirius's shoulder. It was awfully
comfortable. He wanted to lean closer into Sirius's neck, but he seemed to be
losing all his strength. For a second he blacked out…
…and then he was on the floor. A tiled floor. A bathroom? Regulus sat up, his
head swimming. He could hear the sound of running water; the bathtub was
filling up, and Sirius was rummaging through the cabinets, wand out.
"Drink this," Sirius pressed a capful of something blue to his mouth. It
smelled strongly of medicine. Regulus hesitated. "As in now, Regulus," Sirius
scolded. Regulus opened his mouth and Sirius emptied the medicine in. Regulus
swallowed and shuddered. Sirius was now murmuring something and running his
wand over the side of Regulus's face and his arms.
"Shit. Won't work, you're still too hot. I thought it might, but never mind."
Sirius started to pull Regulus's clothing off him. Regulus gave a startled cry.
"What?" Sirius snapped.
"Wh—what are you doing?" Regulus asked.
Sirius growled. He spun around and slapped off the faucet in the tub off so it
wouldn't overrun. "I'm sorry, did you want to slowly melt to death, or what?"
"I…it…" Regulus stammered. He kept looking from side to side, as though mapping
an escape route. Sirius took him in for a second, biting his lip. Then he
reached forward, grabbed Regulus tightly, and finished undressing him.
Lily and James were out. No one else was here. Regulus was partly delusional
and might not even remember later. Sirius gave in and stopped fighting the urge
that was resurfacing. That feeling so long forgotten that it seemed nearly
alien to him now.
"Shush, Reggie," he said softly, helping him into the water. It felt warm to
the touch. Regulus had been expecting cold water, this water was lukewarm. That
was strange. "I got you," Sirius continued. He kissed Regulus softly on the
cheek and temple, cursing how hot he felt. "Let's get you cooled down, have you
sleep for a while, and then I can finish fixing you up, make you feel better,
okay?"
Gently he ran hands cupped full of tepid water up and down Regulus's back and
over his shoulders and head. Regulus wasn't shivering, that was good.
"Sirius?" asked Regulus quietly. Sirius was jerked out of a slight reverie, and
found that he had, for the last few minutes, been simply running his fingers
down the soft skin of Regulus's chest.
"What, Reggie?"
"Does this mean…do you forgive me, then?"
Sirius leaned over the edge of the bathtub and looked intently at Regulus.
"What do you mean? Forgive you for what?" he asked, placing several fingers
gently to his brother's forehead. He seemed to be just slightly cooler, though
still warm.
"For whatever I did so long ago to make you not want me anymore," Regulus said
seriously.
Sirius was contradicted. He knew, in that part of his brain labeled 'honesty,'
that nothing had ever been Regulus's fault to begin with. Then adding in on top
of that the fact that he had been willing to die for Sirius, and the revelation
about Peter Pettigrew, and even if Regulus had been guilty of their long
separation he could still be forgiven, as he had more than made up for it. If
Sirius were to be honest with himself, he had been miserable without Regulus.
It had been years since he had touched his brother; even so much as a hug and
he had been slowly going crazy for it yet too stubborn and proud to fix the
situation. Part of him demanded to have Regulus completely right now, but it
argued with the side of Sirius that just wanted to hold him. He wanted to
apologize, to cuddle up with Regulus and make him feel better, to hold him
tight and never let go.
There was no way he could tell him that, not if Regulus was so willing to blame
himself for everything.
"Be quiet. Stop asking questions and do what I tell you," said Sirius. His
voice was emotionless and flat. He decided Regulus was cool enough and yanked
him roughly out of the water. Hastily he dried him off, and put him back into
his underwear only. Sirius led him down the hallway, half carrying, half
dragging, to his own bedroom. Regulus would stay there as long as he was at the
house, no one would argue with him.
They stopped by the bed. Sirius stripped down to his boxers and got in. Regulus
hesitated, unsure of what was going to happen. His skin was still flushed and
damp, and his dark black hair was still wet and clinging to his face.
"Get in, Regulus," said Sirius crossly. Regulus obeyed, but this wasn't right.
Regulus was supposed to come to him, he shouldn't have to be ordering him
around like this. This whole situation was wrong. Sirius didn't like this shy
and skittish behavior. It was fine that Regulus displayed it to most other
people, but never to him, never to Sirius.
Regulus pulled the covers up to his chin and said very, very quietly, "Do you
love me again, Sirius?"
Since when had he ever needed to ask a question like that? "Idiot," said Sirius
angrily. He reached over and grabbed Regulus's wrist tightly, pulling him by
his arm. "I told you to be quiet," he brought his other hand down hard on
Regulus's forearm, leaving an angry red mark. Regulus flinched but didn't yell
out. Sirius wished he had had his wand in bed with him to use. With his wand,
one hit would have made Regulus bleed.
Regulus opened his mouth again, very uncharacteristically, and looked as if he
were about to launch into an explanation of some sort.
"I swear, Regulus. Quiet. Now come here, and shut up," Sirius wrapped his arms
around Regulus's waist and pulled him face first into his chest. "One more word
and you're really going to get yourself smacked."
Regulus tensed automatically, but nonetheless kept his mouth closed. He wrapped
himself tightly around his brother, arms and legs a tangled mess, and fell to
sleep, where he finally didn't have to hurt or be scared anymore, at least for
a little while.
Section lll:
Regulus fell into routine at their little hideout very easily. Yes at first
James had backtracked a ways, and acted extremely wary of the former Death
Eater, trying simultaneously to both avoid and keep an eye on him. In the end,
it was curiosity that won out, though. Regulus was, quite possibly the most
bizarre person James had ever encountered. In a way, he was reminded of Remus;
Regulus seemed to spend ample amounts of time curled up with books or
sketchpads, but Remus at least had never been so skittish.
He hardly seemed to speak, unless Sirius made him. Whether he was more
talkative when alone with his brother, James wasn't sure, but he had to assume
so. No one could be that silent constantly.
At first James had attributed Regulus's standoffishness to the kid's shy
character, but that view had been destroyed one morning when James ran down the
stairs much earlier than he normally would on a day when it was not his turn to
cook.
And there Regulus was, arm in arm with Lily who appeared to be showing him how
to work the waffle maker. She held his hand with her own and guided his
motions, laughing at the amazed look on Regulus's face.
"The green apples will make them delicious, I promise," she said.
"Does Sirius like these?" asked Regulus.
"Yes, he loves them. I'll be sure and tell him that you helped cook for him,"
Lily said. She leaned sideways to kiss Regulus on the chin.
"Thank you for showing me," said Regulus happily. His blue eyes were positively
glowing.
"No problem, sweetie," Lily scratched at the top of Regulus's head, messing his
hair. "Although if your lazy ass brother doesn't crawl out of bed soon, he
won't get any. We'll just eat them all—oh, hi James."
James had been leaning against the doorframe, mouth hanging open. Since when
did Regulus chat it up with anyone? Composing himself, and thinking maybe
Regulus was finally just starting to settle in, James sauntered into the room
and looked to Regulus for some sort of greeting.
"Morning," he said.
Regulus had backed away and was glaring at the ground. He mumbled something in
response and then fled. Lily shrugged.
"You want waffles, James? Someone should set the table."
"What was that?" James asked, pointing emphatically to the corner in which
Regulus had previously stood.
Lily watched him gesture and gape. "That was Regulus," she said simply.
"Sirius's little brother. Remember?"
"Since when have you two been fast friends?" James demanded.
"Since he got here, why not? He's actually really sweet. I can't believe I went
to school with him for years and never really got to know him!"
"No, Lily, focus. Why'd he run out of here like that? What's his problem with
me?"
"Well it is a generally agreed upon fact that you are a colossal jerk."
"Lily, I just…what's the matter with him, why'd he freak out? Regulus!" James
called. He followed the path Regulus had taken, but he was nowhere to be seen.
James crossed his arms and frowned. Lily approached him from behind holding a
plate of waffles.
"He's probably in the other room, or waking up Sirius. Leave him be, James, not
everyone has to adore you."
She turned around and walked to the dining room table.
"I don't need him to adore me, I just want to know why he fucking loves
Sirius—"
"Oh I'm so glad you finally caught on to that, I was dreading having to explain
it to you—"
"And acts like you're his long lost sister, but won't even stay in the same
room with me!" James grabbed some plates from the cupboard. In his frustration,
he almost dropped them.
Lily counted out cutlery from the drawers. "Oh calm yourself, I'm sure he'll
get over it. You're not that annoying."
"Thank you, Lily!" James began pouring out drinks. "I appreciate your wit, I
really do, but as I was saying…wait, what do you mean you're glad I finally
caught on? Caught on to what? What were you not wanting to explain?"
Lily froze, midway through distributing waffles. "Uh…" she set down the plate
and fork, then slowly backed into the kitchen again. "You're hearing things,"
she said. Quickly she turned and dashed into the living room. "I don't know
what you're talking about."
James glowered.
It was safe to say at times that James did not like Regulus. Not because of
anything Regulus ever did directly, but more because Sirius changed when he was
around him, and James was irked by this. He knew it was backwards of him to be
angry about the relationship between his best friend and his brother, when
really Regulus should be the one angry about his friendship with Sirius, but he
just couldn't help it.
He supposed he was a little scared as well. His entire view of Sirius was
almost visibly shaking, and all the while he felt like he was on the outside of
some strange joke to which Sirius, Regulus, and Lily all appeared to be privy.
Lily especially had a tendency to stop in mid-sentence, glance guiltily at
Sirius or Regulus, and then, blushing, turn to James and change the subject.
Sirius himself had calmed down considerably. Not just from the high-strung mess
he had been the last few days before Regulus's reappearance, but actually in
comparison to the last five years or so he was much, much more relaxed. He had
always been a perpetual teenager, but now he was behaving positively leisurely.
He would sleep well past one in the afternoon, laze back in chairs, and wander
around the house in just his boxers.
And then there was Regulus, who seemed to be trying to stymie James at every
turn. Other than that first day, when he had demanded to be taken to their
safehouse and then told Sirius to warn the Order about Peter, he hadn't
willingly spoken in front of James once, a habit James was quickly becoming
sick of.
Although eventually, for James at least, things did begin to fall into place.
It took him nearly a month to finally work it all out. He was amazed they'd
been so discreet before; normally he picked up on these sorts of things, didn't
he?
It was very, very early in the morning, not even four yet, and James was only
conscious due to an extreme thirst that was burning at his throat. On the way
back to his own bedroom, he paused outside Sirius's when he thought he heard
Regulus say something. What the hell was he doing up at this hour?
The door wasn't even closed properly and with a small tap, James sent it
sliding open soundlessly. He wasn't sure why he did it, and honestly he'd
expected Sirius to notice him, maybe give him a quizzical look and ask why he
was meandering around another dude's bedroom at three-thirty in the morning.
But Sirius was pretty well occupied, lying directly on top of his brother, and
panting hoarsely.
Regulus squirmed around beneath him, rolling over to face him. He asked, almost
begged, "Now. Please can I go to sleep now?"
Sirius's hand sneaked up to Regulus's throat and squeezed gently but with great
threat. "Maybe I want to go again," there was a bizarre falseness to Sirius's
voice that James had never heard before.
"I'm so tired, Sirius," so Regulus did understand how to say words, that solved
one mystery. Clearly James was the only person in the world that brat wouldn't
talk to. James blinked and marveled that during the revelation of his best
friend's homosexual, incestuous, pedophilic, and quite possibly violent
tendencies, he was still focused so massively on his own ego.
"You're always tired, you fucking invalid," Sirius's voice was bitter, and
James was shocked. This was not the way he acted with his brother in front of
other people, all sexual contexts aside. He went out of his way to treat
Regulus like a disobedient child, true; he constantly slapped, smacked or
restrained him when he perceived Regulus's actions as wrong, but it had always
seemed to be done with an arc of overbearing love. Despite the initial incident
where he had left Regulus for dead in an alleyway, James had, recently at
least, gotten the impression that Sirius saw himself as a sort of replacement
for Regulus's real parents. This contemptfor the teenager did not fit that
description. "Mother and Father couldn't even be fucked to make you of decent
quality for me, lazy bastards." (And neither did that). James wanted to leave
the doorway and slink back to his own bedroom, but found he was, for lack of a
better word, almost concerned for Regulus. Sirius's grip on his throat had
tightened to the point where Regulus could not even respond to his brother's
words. What if he killed him? James fidgeted. Should he do something?
But that would mean ruining Sirius's fun—and he seemed to be having a lot—and
what kind of a friend would James be if he did that? James shook his head a
little. What was he thinking? Regulus didn't seem too happy right now, did he?
In fact, Regulus was outright struggling to the best of his ability. He clawed
at Sirius's hand, trying to dislodge it from his neck, and pushed futilely on
Sirius's chest. Sirius only laughed. He released Regulus's throat and both of
his hands moved downwards, maneuvering under the blankets. Regulus let out a
whimper and covered his face with his hands. James wondered why he didn't call
out; surely his new best friend Lily would save him from this? Lily wouldn't
hesitate to hex Sirius through the window if she knew this was going on. Hell,
she'd probably get a few good punches in before even remembering she was a
wizard with a wand.
"What has gotten into you?" demanded Sirius in a rather silky voice. He pried
Regulus's hands from his face and leaned down to kiss him. There was no love in
the gesture, or was there? "I want this misbehavior to stop."
James wrapped one hand tightly around the doorframe, and he slid to the ground.
What was wrong with him? Why wasn't he doing anything? He was honestly
disgusted with himself but he just couldn'tmove…couldn't speak. He could only
kneel there, hunkered over and trying to deny the fact that he was going to
hell. He was going to burn in hell for the rest of eternity because he was
enjoying this, of all things. He was actually turned on by the scene in front
of him.
"Jesus Christ," he muttered, pressing his forehead into the wall.
But it wasn't long before he'd lifted his head again and was staring at Regulus
and Sirius. He couldn't look away, and they still hadn't noticed him. In fact
their entire paradigm had shifted again, or at least Regulus appeared to be
switching tactics. He was kissing Sirius back now, and tangling his long
fingers in Sirius's hair.
"Mmm," he hummed lightly and shifted to give Sirius more room to work.
James blinked. Either Regulus was employing some sort of protection, lying
there completely submissive, in the hopes that Sirius would be gentler, or else
everything up until then had been for show. Like some sort of demented role
play?
James was forced to dismiss his second theory, however, a few moments later.
Regulus, rocking back and forth in time with his brother's thrusts, let his
head fall to the side. And he stared straight at James. There was no doubt,
Regulus knew he was there. Sirius, maybe not so much, but Regulus knew, and had
probably known for quite a while. He gave James the most broken look the
Gryffindor had ever seen in his life. Glistening tear tracks crisscrossed down
his thin face. His sunken eyes bore into James so strongly he could almost feel
it, and still he couldn't seem to tear his gaze away from what was happening.
Regulus's face glistened in the night despite the darkness; his mouth was
smooth and inviting. Hickeys and bruises on his neck and shoulders mixed
together. James let out a soft, almost inaudible groan, then stood up quickly
and stumbled down the hallway to the bathroom where he proceeded to stick his
finger down his throat several times.
===============================================================================
"Lily!" James yelped. "You knew?"
"Of course I knew!" Lily hissed back, motioning for him to keep his voice down.
Regulus and Sirius were still asleep upstairs and it wouldn't do for James's
yelling to attract their attention. "I'm not a blind idiot, like you!"
"I just—Jesushow could you not tell me?"
"It wasn't my information to share," Lily insisted. "For god's sake, James,
stop pacing and sit the fuck down."
James paused to glare at her where she sat at the dining room table. With a
frustrated cry he yanked forward a chair, scraping it harshly on the wood floor
as his did so, and threw himself into it.
"What are we going to do?" he demanded, head in his hands.
"What do you mean?" asked Lily very carefully. "And my god, James, lower your
voice. Sirius and Reg'll be up any moment and I'd rather they not hear you…"
James looked up at her and glared. "We can't let Sirius continue on doing…this.
Can we?" he asked miserably.
Lily bit her lip. "I don't know, I think you're making judgments."
"Judgments?" James whispered angrily. "I'm making judgments? I thought you
liked Regulus. He's being abused for crying out loud, why aren't you jumping to
his defense? I thought you'd be all over this!"
"Well," said Lily, and she seemed to be choosing her words very carefully. "I
think Regulus really loves Sirius."
"Lily!" James ground the words out of his mouth through clenched teeth. "He's
hurting him!"
"Yes, but I think separating them might hurt Regulus even more."
"You think emotional pain stacks up evenly with physical pain?" James asked in
an amazed tone.
"Maybe, I don't know," Lily looked down at her hands. "Should we talk to them
about it?"
"Okay," James reasoned. "Let's just think for a second. Okay? I have an idea.
Let's talk to Regulus. Or, well, you'll talk to him and I'll talk at him. He
might respond to you. Sirius said he had to report some stuff to Dumbledore
today so we'll just have him leave Regulus behind and he can transfer any
information Regulus was going to say to the Order for him."
"You think he'll go for that?" asked Lily. "Dumbledore might be pretty keen to
see Reg, especially after Peter. I mean, now that he's back with us again, and
Regulus is no longer working for Voldemort either, that's two Death Eaters
down. He's building quite a rep for himself, in fact, the whole Order might
want to see him."
"You have a point. Actually, I'm starting to think that Sirius might be a
little more useful to us than his brother. Maybe we should talk to him on his
own first, it'd be hard to scare off Regulus, though, he's practically glued to
Sirius 24/7."
"You feeling okay, Jamie?" Lily leaned forward in concern.
"Well, actually I feel a little hot now that you mention it, I had a rough
night last night, okay? I think I might just go to sleep early tonight…"
"I can do the sleuthing if you want—" Lily cut herself off at the sound of
approaching footsteps. Swiftly she stood up. "Sirius! Regulus!"
As per usual, Regulus shied away once he noticed James. He tried his best to
act inconspicuous as he dove behind Lily.
"You're up early, mate," James commented from the table. He was way too tired
and miserable to bother trying to coax Regulus out from hiding.
"I know, it's not even one o'clock yet…in fact it's barely past noon. You the
same Sirius we had before?" Lily laughed.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Regulus," he barked. His brother flinched a little,
and then slowly slinked out from behind Lily.
He tilted his head. "Yes?"
Sirius grabbed Regulus by the shoulder and yanked him forward. Without
thinking, Regulus pressed his face into Sirius's chest. Sirius laughed smugly.
He placed an idle kiss to his brother's cheek.
"Get your jacket, we've got some information to bring to Dumbledore, no?"
end chapter two.
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
     Lots of dialogue. Anne Rice-style.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
start chapter three
section l
Lily returned from the bathroom a few minutes past six, toweling her hair dry
and swinging her hips a little to some music only she could hear. She slipped
into her pajamas, tossed the towel into the clothes hamper, and jogged
downstairs to the living room to get something warm to drink.
At the foot of the stairs she paused. Sirius was back, lounging on the sofa
with practiced ease, his brother asleep in his lap. For a minute she just
stared at them with interest. Sirius stroked Regulus's back and face in an
almost worried manner. He knotted his fingers in Regulus's hair and leaned down
briefly to kiss his forehead, softly and sweetly. Regulus didn't move. Sirius
sighed and closed his eyes.
"Hey, Sirius, you're back early. James said you might not be coming home
tonight at all. How'd the meeting with Dumbledore go?"
Sirius looked up and opened his eyes. "Where is James?"
Lily pointed up the stairs. "Asleep in his room. Still isn't feeling too well."
She walked into the kitchen and began rummaging around for a mug. "Do you want
anything to drink? I was thinking of making some hot tang."
"Hot? Yeah, I'll have some," Sirius called back to her.
"How about Reggie? I mean, is he asleep or unconscious?"
Lily heard Sirius laugh quietly. She grimaced as she slowly heated the water
with a little wandless magic.
"Nah, none for him, he's out cold."
Lily brought two steaming mugs into the living room. She handed one to Sirius
and, clutching the other to her chest, sat down in the chair by the fire,
facing Sirius.
"Oh my god, what happened?" she asked with worry.
"Well, since you asked, the meeting itself went fine, actually."
"Oh, well, I'm glad," Lily said slowly. She leaned forward and set her drink on
the coffee table. Her brow was knitted with concern. "Your brother had some
useful information for the order, then?"
"Yes, actually," answered Sirius. One hand held his mug, the other was again
playing with Regulus's hair, tugging at the soft, black strands. "Pretty
routine stuff. Names, likely assignments, stuff like that. Some of it was
actually kinda' useful." Sirius patted Regulus's forehead. "I'm proud of him,
and Dumbledore's ecstatic that we've got him on our side now."
"He's a godsend!" Lily insisted.
"Yeah, yeah," said Sirius. He leaned forward and placed his mug next to Lily's.
With his hand no longer on his brother's forehead, Lily could see a strong,
dark bruise along the side of Regulus's face, running from his cheekbone to his
hairline.
"Hey, what happened to him, Sirius?" Lily leaned forward and pointed at
Regulus.
Sirius looked down at his brother's face. He sighed a little, then rearranged
himself so he was laying full out on the sofa, Regulus sprawled out next to
him.
"We had a bit of a disagreement, actually, Lils."
"Uh, what did he do, Sirius?" asked Lily cautiously. She was thinking she might
already have a good idea.
Sirius smirked. "He was just a little cheeky is all. Snarky bastard."
Regulus shuffled around a bit, groaning. Suddenly Sirius seemed to stiffen, and
his voice altered ever so slightly.
"I mean, he'll wake up soon, right?" he asked.
Lily got down on the floor and crawled over to the sofa. She kneeled in front
of Sirius and his brother, face full of worry. "What do you mean?" she asked
quietly. She reached over Sirius's lap and gently took Regulus's head in her
hands, examining him as best she could. "How long's he been out?"
She locked her eyes with Sirius's and was pleased to see that he looked a
little uncomfortable or guilty maybe.
"I don't know, a while."
"Sirius!"
"I'm sure he'll be fine! He'll wake up any second now, look, he's stirring,"
Sirius nodded down at Regulus, who was now fidgeting. Lily gently let go of him
and he buried his face in Sirius's side, almost on instinct.
Lily rocked back onto her heels. Regulus was blinking a little now. He seemed
to be coming out of it. "Sirius you have got to be gentler," Lily insisted.
"Really, Sirius, you seriously hurt him."
Regulus was sitting up now, and mumbling a little.
"Lily?" he asked, peering at her through half closed eyes.
"Yeah, honey, it's me. You feeling better? Do you want anything to drink or to
eat?"
Regulus was clutching his head in his hands, moaning quietly. "Can I sleep?" he
asked.
"Go to my room," Sirius said abruptly. Regulus started and stared at his
brother with shocked eyes, as if he had only just noticed Sirius was lying
right next to him.
"Go sleep in my room, Regulus. Get up, you're fine."
Regulus skittered off the couch, stumbling a little. He walked slowly up the
stairs, one hand holding his stomach, the other massaging his sore head.
"Oh, and Regulus, everything I said still goes," Sirius called after him. A
light thump told him Regulus had stumbled on the steps when he heard Sirius
yelling to him.
Lily slowly stood up. Sirius thought she was going to leave, but instead she
just stood there, staring at him. Sirius looked back at her in confusion.
"What?"
"Sit up and slide over, Sirius."
Sirius obliged and Lily sat down next to him. "I was hoping we could talk for a
while. I mean, I can make us something more to drink or something to eat and—"
Sirius smiled. "And you're wanting to keep me down here all night so Regulus
can be away from me."
"He needs to rest, Sirius. For god's sake, he gets so little sleep as it is!"
Sirius laughed out loud in a manner so reminiscent of a bark that Lily
flinched. "Well," he admitted, after calming down. "I guess that's true."
"Sirius, I just don't understand," Lily pleaded, grabbing his wrist with both
her hands. "Why are you so different when you're around your brother? You're
usually such a nice person. What changes? I mean, this whole dynamic that you
have going on with him. Is this all some sick form of revenge on your family?"
she shook her head in disbelief. "Did Reguluseverwrong you in any way?"
Sirius seemed to sober up a bit, and dropped his carefree demeanor. "No," he
said simply. His face developed a thoughtful expression. "He's always been a
sweetheart."
"This is none of my business, I know, but how long have you and your brother
been, you know, together?"
Sirius didn't hesitate. "Always," he responded and Lily stood up. She took both
their cups into the kitchen. She busied herself making them new drinks, and
sifted around through the cupboards for something to eat because this sounded
like a story that would take some time.
section ll
"You know, I was so jealous at first. When Regulus was born, I just didn't
understand why my parents would want another child. It was like, wasn't I
enough? I threw a downright fit when Mother tried to hand him to me that night.
I screamed that I didn't want it to touch me, that I'd kill it if it got too
close. I said Regulus was bloody and ugly. There was some deep, unseated fear
that I had. Not so much that I didn't want to share my parents, no, it was more
that I feared they were trying to replace me. It's safe to say that I wanted
Regulus dead for the first few weeks. I wanted him to simply stop breathing
like so many small children do, deteriorate into nothing, and I was prepared to
help the process along.
"Calm down, Lily, my parents were monsters. But they did have a few limits.
When Regulus was only a few minutes old, like I said, Mother tried to hand him
to me. I reached back like I was going to hit him, can you believe that? Not
even a day old yet, and I was already smacking him around. I can't remember now
if I started to swing or if I just stood there with my hand raised, but either
way Father hauled me out of there and introduced me to some, I'd like to think
rather misguided, parenting concepts. You know, the old 'I'm hitting you
because you need to understand that hitting people is wrong.' Although this
didn't really deter me from my previous attitude, and I think I threw more
tantrums those first few weeks than the rest of my childhood combined.
"Things went on like that for a while until my father took me aside again, only
this time he didn't hit me. Well it might have been because he was holding
Regulus in one arm and didn't want to drop him. Although what he said next
makes me wonder if he and Mother ever cared about Regulus at all.
"I was only somewhere around four or five at the time, so of course I didn't
understand exactly what he meant, but somewhere along the line it must have
clicked. It's something I don't remember learning, it's just always been there,
embedded in my mind.
"You see, Father said Regulus was mine. That alone didn't mean much, of course,
everything was mine, and I knew it. I was the heir after all, to the most
powerful wizarding pureblood family in the western hemisphere, and probably the
world. I was the heir, and had assumed that Regulus was to be, at best, the
spare."
"Isn't that what he is though?" asked Lily. "As sick and ridiculous as I think
the paradigm is, wasn't he just there for in case you got killed or did
something else stupid?"
"No," Sirius responded. "Never. Regulus was mine from the beginning. He was a
present, from Mother and Father. They made him for me. That's what Father said.
He told me that, ideally, Regulus would have been a girl. He and Mother had
planned for a girl with some special potions and such, but they must not have
worked. Either way, now we had Regulus. And suddenly he wasn't a threat to me
anymore, he was just another present. Another material gain for me.
"Father told me all this and then he handed Regulus to me. He was a few weeks
old at this time, and no longer covered in blood, obviously. Now that I was
convinced he was basically a new toy which belonged to me, I began to see him
in a different light. He was adorable, I decided, with his jet black hair and
his bright blue eyes. He had always been sonoisybefore. It didn't matter if it
was Mother, Father, the Healers, or any of my cousins, he would always fret and
fuss. On most days, Father couldn't hold him for more than a few seconds before
he'd start to scream.
"But with me it was different. And probably my ego didn't need such a boost,
but I was the only one he seemed content around. Now that I think about it, it
was more that he was already accepting his future. I wanted him to be silent,
and so he was. I found I rather enjoyed it when he snuggled up into my chest
like he did so often."
"Sirius that's…well sick but also so adorable."
Sirius scoffed. "Yeah and for a while it was. Like I said, to me at the time,
my father's words meant that Regulus was my toy, or maybe like a permanent
friend. One I could boss around, who would do whatever I wanted, and who could
never leave me."
Lily took a deep breath. "That wasn't all he meant, was it?"
"Of course not, Lily, that would have been entirely too decent." Sirius took a
brief pause, searching for words. "So we started to grow up a little, and
Regulus was treated, well, like he was one of my things. 'Sirius go put Regulus
somewhere else,' 'Sirius, come get Regulus,' He was always with me. I'd carry
him around with me, or when he was old enough to walk, he'd meander after me on
his short little legs. And then when I got bored with him, I'd put him away,
like some action figure or storybook.
"Okay so it wasn't so blatant to everyone else. I mean, to some degree it was
obvious Regulus wasn't so highly valued by my parents. And by valued, I mean
purely because I was the oh-so important family heir. But also my parents had
to keep up with appearances, it wasn't as if I was allowed to walk him around
with a collar and a leash, which was actually something I begged to do some
time when I was eight or nine.
"But then I left for school, and Regulus couldn't come with me. So I left him
behind like all the other stuff that wouldn't fit in my trunk. And I met James,
who I immediately latched myself onto. I didn't consider James to be a
replacement for Regulus, after all, James was my friend, and I saw him as an
equal. I guess the same can't be said for Reggie. He was so happy when I came
home for Christmas that first year, but I think, and I can't really remember
all that well, but I think I talked about James, Remus, and Peter a lot. About
how much I missed them. I do remember quite well, however, how heartbroken
Regulus seemed that first holiday. It was Christmas and he just couldn't get
excited. Isn't that just wrong? A sad kid on Christmas? It was something I
didn't think much of at the time, but later it really hit home.
"Regulus had his own bedroom. I know, strange, all things considering. He'd
spend most of his time during the day in my room, though, but most nights he
was actually quite independent. It wasn't as if he climbed into my bed a lot.
Sometimes, sure, because he was always a really cuddly little kid. After I
started school, though, I don't think he came to my room willingly one single
time.
"Around the time I was in my third year, and Regulus was just under a year away
from going to Hogwarts himself, I was starting to see Regulus as more of just a
brother. Oh, he was still hopelessly attached to me. Mother and Father made it
so. When I was little, I was allowed playdates with other well-bred children,
but not Regulus. The only people he had ever met, until he went to school at
least, were family members. And only occasionally people beyond Mother, Father,
and myself, at that. Now as I said, I had begun to think of Regulus as a very
loyal little brother who I could ignore, but who would also always be there
when I didn't have my real friends to entertain me."
"And you were okay with being such a douche?"
"Lily, I didn't realize. I mean, I've been thinking these last few hours before
I brought Regulus back here. I was worried that I'd really hurt him and it got
me thinking about, well, everything that's happened and it's sort of easier now
to go back and realize what was going on in my mind back then."
"Regulus was unconscious for more than an hour?"
"Continuing. As I mentioned, Regulus didn't know anything other than me, and
based on his actions, I'm beginning to think that he knew a lot more about the
real meaning behind my father's words than I did at the time. I can't remember
how old I was exactly. It was Third Year, I think, Easter Break and I was home
for a few days so I must have been thirteen or maybe fourteen. Reggie was
around ten, I believe. I was getting ready for bed, and I do remember
distinctly that I felt a bit sad. You see, Regulus was moping because I hadn't
been paying attention to him, and I had, as per usual, been harping about how
much I wished I were back with James and my friends. Regulus went to bed early
because of this and so I was changing and brushing my teeth alone. I remember
it felt so strange to be in my house and be bathing alone. Now don't look at me
like that, Lily, I told you, it wasn't like that, at least not yet. I would set
Regulus in the tub first and wash his hair for him, and laugh at him while he
played with the water. Then I would dry him off and he'd slip into his
nightclothes while I filled the bath again and got in myself. He wanted so very
much to be like me; he'd try his hardest to clean my hair for me and try to act
like he was taking care of me. You have to understand, we were always together.
But Regulus had sulked off and I was standing in front of the mirror, brushing
my teeth alone. I found I didn't like it.
"But that was that. I paused briefly at Regulus's bedroom door, and I knocked
lightly on it. This I can remember very well. 'Goodnight, Reggie,' I whispered.
And he didn't respond. 'Hey, love you,' I said. And still he didn't answer. Or
maybe he did and it was just too soft for me to hear. But that was it, and I
let him be. I walked away to my room. Our rooms weren't even on the same floor,
you know? Mine was up a flight of stairs from his.
"I didn't go to sleep right away, but I really wish I had. Maybe I wouldn't be
so messed up now, maybe I never would have gotten started, but that's
ridiculous, it would have happened eventually. If not that night then some
other in the near future. Is it sad that I can recognize that there's so much
wrong with me? It's like, if you know you're sick, then stop, but it's not that
easy. Anyway, I was up reading some comic books and Father and Mother came in
to visit me. Well, Mother only stayed briefly. She left most of these dealings
to my father. Not because she was horrified by what was going on, but because
she was indifferent, bored almost. But either way, she stayed long enough to
stroke my hair and say that I was in for a treat, and that if I didn't go any
further wrong, for by that time I was already quite rebellious, I could have so
much more. Then she was gone, and Father led me from my room by my hand. We
walked down the stairs and up to Regulus's room. Then Father paused for a
moment and looked at me with this bizarre smile on his face, as if, no, I can't
really think of a way to describe it.
"And so in we went. Regulus was asleep, I remember, or at least he was curled
up under the covers with his eyes closed. I was so confused and bewildered that
all I did was stand there in the corner of the room. It was all so dark but for
the strip of moonlight that lit up a straight line down the center of the
bedroom. I tried my best to stand out of it. Father closed the door behind us
and he lifted Regulus into a sitting position by the neck of his shirt. My
brother's eyes flew open, but instead of looking at Father he automatically
turned his gaze on me where I stood in the shadows by his closet, like he knew
I'd be there. That…that really freaked me out. The look in his eyes, I guess.
I'm not sure there's an emotion to go with that look.
"Father motioned for me to come closer and after some coaxing, I did. He had
this strange patience about him that night, not unlike someone teaching their
kid how to fly a broom, or to color inside the lines. Only my father was
instructing me how to take advantage of my brother, as casual as could be.
"This really strange thrill found its way to me, Lily, and suddenly a whole ton
of pieces started a frenzy, and then began connecting in my mind. I knew I was
to inherit Grimmauld Place, my family's Main House, when my father died, but
until then I would be comfortably shacked up in one of the estates on the
continent, or perhaps the southern coast. These were facts. Two other facts
were that I was going to be married one day, and that, despite this, Regulus
would still live with me. I had thought at first because being separated from
my brother seemed such an alien idea, but right about then the truth of the
matter was starting to seep into my dense head."
"Your parents were fucking human traffickers, Sirius?"
"What? No, it was only Reg…and they didn't sell him to me, he was a present."
Lily tugged unconsciously at her watchband. "Seriously? Sick fucking—"
"Lily do you want to hear all this or not? We can stop now; it's getting late
after all."
"No, no, I'm sorry, Sirius. Um, go on, I guess. This had all just better
explain some things."
"What answers, specifically, are you looking for, Lily?" Sirius asked. He
didn't seem so uncomfortable with this conversation as she was. However, if she
didn't want to hear it, then she shouldn't have initiated it, he figured,
thinking she must have a real soft spot for Regulus to have brought this topic
up just to get him a few moments' peace.
"To be honest, I was hoping to work out why you're so bipolar around him,
swinging from overprotective to downright abusive in a matter of minutes. You
left him for dead, for god's sake! Although I can kind of see it now, and you
were right, it is twisted that you know how wrong you are. I'm not saying I'd
be able to fix myself were I in your position, butwow does it seem like, from
where I'm sitting at least, that you should be getting some serious help."
"So you get it now, you've unraveled all my mental defenses and psychoanalyzed
me into a nice little profiled state, then? Should we just stop here?" Sirius's
voice wasn't angry, if anything he was amused and trying to get a rise out of
Lily.
"That wasn't my goal, and you know it," she said indignantly. "I just really
want to understand, so that maybe I could help you guys."
"Wait, help us how?" Sirius asked slowly, looking incredulously at Lily.
"Well, I would like to see you and Regulus enter a paradigm which does not
involve you beating and raping him all the time."
"Who are you to say anything—"
Sirius started to stand up, but Lily leaned forward suddenly to pull him back
down onto the couch. "Hang on," she insisted. "I don't mean that I want to keep
him away from you…at all. Just that maybe we could alter things just a little.
I've seen the way he looks at you, Sirius, and I know he loves you like nothing
else, but he shouldn't have to forfeit his person to be with you."
"He doesn't forfeit anything. He is all he ever was, he is mine," Sirius
growled.
"He is a person, Sirius," Lily shot back with equal vehemence. The sickening
part of it all was how fascinating she found Sirius at the moment. How could
any one person have so many fault lines along the ridges of their mind? How
could Sirius admit all these things about how he felt, and why he had done what
he had, but then still revert back to that childish mental state? To make such
ridiculous claims? Lily was truly amazed that Sirius could manage to tell her
that his parents had brainwashed him into thinking of Regulus as an object, and
then immediate follow that statement with an assertion that Regulus was, in
fact, his. "I understand that you very nearly lost him once, in a way, but you
don't get to hide him away from the rest of the world, now," she continued.
"We're all hiding, Lily," Sirius griped. There was a lot of undirected anger
still in his eyes.
"I know that, idiot, but I mean even so. You can't treat your brother like
this, like some sort of slave for your stress relief. What's extra wrong about
it is that you actually care for him very much. Granted in a very possessive
and demeaning way, but still, you love him enough to know you can't replace
him, don't you?"
Sirius fumed, trying to think of something to say.
"Here," said Lily, taking ahold of the bottle of sparkling wine she had brought
in from the kitchen and downing a considerable amount without the aid of a
wineglass. "Let's just go back to your story, all right? Just, tell me
everything and I'll at least feel better. So I think what I've got so far,
other than a lot of mixed messages from you, was that your parents decided you
needed a toy of your own to keep locked in your spare bedroom in case your
future wife ever had a headache."
"Right…" said Sirius slowly. His quick temper had already settled considerably.
Lily wondered briefly if that was a trait that also ran in his family. "In the
front of my mind, I understood what my father was saying, oh he had started
talking to me by the way, ignoring Regulus entirely, but still maintaining a
firm grip on him, as if he were going to try to run away. Like I said,
consciously, I got that my father was saying that he and mother were, in their
own sick way, sort of helping me out. He said that in all likelihood, I wasn't
going to wind up married to someone I fancied too much. Choices really were
very limited if I wanted anyone remotely near my own age. She had to be from
the right family, after all, and this may surprise you, but by that point in
time, first cousins were in fact off limits in my family. What I was told, was
that I'd have to be with this future wife of mine only once if I wanted, for
the sake of an heir, but then that we could just go to living on separate ends
of the estate and not speaking to one another unless absolutely necessary.
Father seemed overly concerned that I was going to wind up with someone ugly.
Inbreeding is hit or miss, you know, you either get people looking like genetic
throwbacks to the last ice age, or looking like, well, me. I mean, sometimes it
doesn't work, but then also sometimes it really, really does.
"And Regulus certainly was the latter. Oh he's got his issues, but they're all
internal. There's the fact that his blood doesn't coagulate properly, makes
bleeding to death a real risk for him, and then there's his overall mental
state. Although I'm not sure how much of his behavior is due to our parents…and
me…and how much was already there genetically. I suppose it doesn't much
matter. Anyway, Father was expecting me to be really grateful for this
insurance that no matter how bloody hideous the girl I had to marry would be,
or how horrible she was going to be or whatever, I would never be without my
backup plan for relieving sexual frustration. I had my Regulus.
"I think I mentioned a second ago that all this was in the front of my mind.
What I meant by that is that this is what I thought I believed, and what I
convinced myself of for a very long time. Or at least I thought I had myself
fooled. What was on the back of my mind at the time, however, was that after
whatever arranged marriage awaited me in the future, I would always have
someone to love and who would love me back. Yes I was concerned that I would
get landed with some ugly, inbred hag, but at least a small part of my mind was
worried for an entirely different reason. I knew I could never truly love
someone when we were being forced to be together. I did love Regulus, though,
and suddenly I was very happy that I wouldn't have to do without that love."
Lily nodded slowly, her eyes closed. "People don't exactly act on what's locked
away in the back of their heads very often, though."
"Well, no. And I guess I'm no different, but you just have to understand, it
was exhilarating. That was when I realized that I owned Regulus completely, in
any way I could ever want. You've no idea how much of a rush it can be to have
so much control.
"Regulus, in keeping with the tradition he'd employed since infancy, didn't
want anything to do with Father, and he suddenly started to thrash about,
trying to throw off the hand that was still holding him by his shirt. He wasn't
trying to escape, or to even get out of his bed, but it was evident that he
wanted Father to stop touching him, and to go away. Me, on the other hand, he
welcomed. I grabbed Regulus by the shoulders and pulled him further up his bed
so there was a little more room between him and our father. As was usual, he
stilled immediately. Father saw this as a good thing, I think. Regulus was so
insanely loyal to me, even after he had managed to convince himself that I had
replaced him with a better brother model, James."
"Yes, he did all the work convincing himself of that…"
"Shush, Lily, I'm not a psychologist now and I certainly wasn't when I was
fourteen. I didn't get that he felt so abandoned, and I'm not sure how much I
would have cared even if I had. It wasn't like he could leave me, after all.
"The next few minutes were insanely tense. If I sit and think about it, there
was probably some settling on Reg's part, for the lesser of two evils, I mean.
I'm pretty sure he didn't want either one of us near him just then; remember,
he was sore at me for being so distant with him and I don't think he felt the
revenge he got on me by keeping hidden from me had quite been enough yet. On
the other hand, he despised Father, and he always had. I think he was scared of
him, or scared that he couldn't predict him, maybe. Me, on the other hand, he
knew inside and out. He couldn't be alone like he so desperately wanted, but he
still vastly preferred my company to our father's. So he grabbed me by the arm
and gave a desperate tug so that I tumbled onto the bed in between him and
Father.
"I can't remember what I thought he'd done that for at the time, but now that I
think of it, it makes perfect sense that I was a sort of shield for him.
"And that's when the anxiety really started to pick up. Father kind of, laughed
I think. You see, by this point I was lying nearly on top of Regulus, and our
father said something along the lines of how I didn't need to get so close,
that that kind of intimacy wasn't necessary. I could just take what I wanted,
you see, so why didn't I? I don't think Father understood that I cared, however
minimally, for Regulus's feelings. I was leaning even closer and letting my
breath ghost over Regulus's neck and cheek when he started to shiver and then
closed his eyes.
"I noticed about then something I'd never really taken into consideration
before. You must have realized now that he isn't all cut up and bleeding
anymore like he was when he first came here, that Regulus is a very attractive
person?"
"Of course," Lily said immediately. "He looks a lot like you, only smaller. He
is insanely handsome, especially—"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay Lily, I'm glad you see it too. Anyway, it was something
I'd never really thought about before, he was my brother and I was just so used
to seeing him that I'd never really thought of what he looked like from the
outside, but he was gorgeous in such a way I'd never considered. He'd never
really had baby fat much past the age of two or so, he was more emaciated if
anything, but it only made him more good looking. It was almost like looking
into some sort of funhouse mirror. He had the exact same eyes as I did, this
very pale but very, very bright blue, almost grey, and our faces were different
only by millimeters. Where I knew my cheekbones sloped gently his were only
just a little more abrupt, his eyebrows only slightly higher up. While I was
lying so close, I let our noses touch on accident or maybe on purpose. We'd
both inherited, somehow, an almost Arabic shape of nose, the perfect size and
oh-so very straight. His was just a little lower than mine, though, closer to
his mouth. We had the same horrendously pale skin, completely unblemished
although I at the time would have insisted there was stray fuzz on my chin. It
was as though we both wore identical skin suits over our bones and muscles,
except that Regulus, pale as he was, tanned ever so lightly in comparison to
me. Regulus had a single freckle, though, something I'd never noticed before,
on the skin near his ear, and several more surrounding the irises of his eyes.
Sort of lentigines, I guess, very tiny, very light brown, almost invisible but
there were six or seven of them, I counted. I can't say now if my eyes had them
then or not, I'd never looked.
"I found I couldn't stop staring at him. Suddenly any fiancée on the planet was
going to look hideous next to him. I started thinking maybe sheshould be the
one in the closet, and Regulus the person I showed off to the world. I ran a
hand down his arm, noting that it was rather long, his legs were, too, for a
kid, I mean. He was going to come into that gangly phase early; a good thing
actually, as it meant that he would be absolutely perfect and proportionate in
only a few years. His teeth were another thing: small, white, perfectly shaped.
I caught a glimpse of them briefly when he parted his lips for just the
slightest of seconds. He had all his adult teeth by that time, well, excluding
wisdom teeth of course, which wouldn't come in for several years and which he
would have removed anyway. I remembered, though, back to when he'd had a full
set of baby teeth and I'd always teased him about how there were these
unnecessary little gaps between each tooth. I could almost have laughed at
myself just then because Regulus's teeth were straight as anything, that extra
space proving to be an advantage, and there I was, perfect teeth the result of
nearly ten different, and painful, dental spells.
"But for the most part, Regulus's mouth remained firmly closed, and he was no
longer staring at me. In fact, he had resolutely closed his eyes. I had almost
forgotten Father was in the room with us until he stood up from the large bed
and stood next to it, blocking all the moonlight from our bodies, casting us
deeper into shadow.
"'Sirius,' he said patiently. 'You do realize such closeness is unnecessary.'
"I turned my head to face him immediately and practically growled something
along the lines of 'he is mine isn't he? Then I'll do this however I want!' Had
I said it to defend my comparatively kind actions towards Regulus, or simply to
rebel in another way against an authority figure? I don't know, but I turned
back to Regulus, took his face in both my hands and kissed him hard on the
corner of his mouth, his chin, the soft space just below his eye…everywhere.
Then I worked my way down to his neck, and I wasn't exactly slow either, the
bed was shaking a little even from my sudden movements.
"It wasn't altogether that alien of a feeling. I had, after all, kissed my
brother before, all over his face and neck. I had not, however, ever licked or
bitten him as I started doing just then, when normal kissing suddenly wasn't
enough. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear my father chuckling, could
almost hear him shaking his head.
"I ran my fingers all through my brother's hair and found it to be so very
soft. How had I washed and conditioned that same hair so many hundreds of times
and never noticed before? Suddenly another feeling was creeping into my gut. It
was worry. Regulus was going to be going to school soon. In one way this was
good, he'd be where I was, I could once again take him with me, something I
hadn't realized I missed until just that night. On the flip side, though, there
were other people at Hogwarts. All kinds of people; girls, boys, a whole
student body comprised of people who would soon see my brother. And I found
that I didn't want them to. It was then that I felt a rush of insecurity.
Regulus idolized me, yes, but he had never met anyone else. What if he got to
school and found he fancied some girl? Or someone simply took him away from me,
whether he wanted to go or not?
"I think that was one paranoid insecurity I could never quite get over. Fuck if
I wasn't going to try, though. Immediately I thought that I should convince
Regulus once and for all that he was mine and could only be mine, just like
Father and Mother said. My kisses got harder, faster, and I let my hands have
free reign; they moved up and down his neck and face, under his night shirt
where I could feel the faint beginnings of noticeable abdominal muscles, all
over his waist and legs. I remember his skin was cool at first, but as he got
more and more frantic it started to heat up. He didn't thrash, yell, or flinch,
but the shameful fear and heat radiating off him told me he was close to some
sort of nervous breakdown.
"Father finally grabbed my shoulders and pulled me off of him. I remember he
actually asked me if I was ready, if I was hard. It would have been that kind
of awkward absurdity that's almost laughable if I hadn't been so affronted that
he assumed that that was my reasoning for attacking Regulus's small body with
such a lengthy onslaught of kisses and touches."
There was silence for a moment. Then Lily whispered quietly, "Well, I guess in
your own sort of… twisted way, you were wanting Regulus to feel maybe like he
wasn't being so used. That you really did love him. A sick parody of love but
still…"
"That might have been it, yeah. Anyway, suffice it to say that my first sexual
encounter with another person was closely supervised and aided by my father,"
there was an amazed tone to Sirius's voice, like voicing such a thing aloud was
the final step to confirming it as a real event.
"Right," Lily muttered. "Hellishly awkward. Did he rip Regulus's clothing off
for you too?"
"We never took off Reggie's clothes that night," Sirius said immediately.
"If he still had his pajamas on then how did you…"
Sirius pointed to his mouth and Lily looked away, blinking furiously. "Right,"
she said. "I guess, actually, I want to say that that's a little better, maybe.
Certainly gentler than what I was thinking was coming up."
"Lily, this was seven years ago. I didn't have much more than the first clue
about how to have sex with women, I surely wasn't in the know on what to do
with another boy. Father was, though, and he knew that even if he helped it
wouldn't have been feasible. Regulus was so small, I would have seriously
injured him, perhaps permanently, and Regulus didneed to last a long time.
Think of that first night, and most which followed immediately after, as warm
up."
Lily had many questions bouncing around in her head, each more inappropriate
than the last, but by this time, she figured, just about anything was fair
game. "How long before you did take him, take him, though. I mean, I'm assuming
you have."
Sirius smiled fondly and leaned back to stare at the ceiling. "Yeah, a year or
two later. He was, about twelve, I think. I was somewhere around fifteen or
going on sixteen, I can't recall for sure. It…wasn't a very good night. My
mother was there for that one. Seemed her boredom had come full circle and now
what had previously rendered her apathetic was the most interesting thing in
the house. Woman needed to get out more.
"But back to that first night, if you want to go back there. I was unfamiliar
with the whole set up, save for the part where Regulus was completely
submissive to me. I think I had him sitting up against the massive headboard
his old bed used to have, and I was sitting in front of him. By the time I'd
clued in on just what, exactly, my Father expected me to do and, I think,
enjoy,I was more than ready to take full command. I really didn't want my
father helping me anymore. I knew if I just sat there any longer, he'd come
even closer to us than he already was and probably undo my pants himself. Not
exactly what I wanted. So basically, I was on it. I had a death grip on
Regulus's hair the whole time, I had to keep forcing his head back down, you
see. He wasn't exactly too thrilled with the situation, I could tell, but what
was he going to do? He never said no, though, I mean, never out loud. Perhaps
he should have, it would have made the whole thing harder for me to accept. I
was already on the fence about deciding if Regulus was all possession or if
there was a little bit of person in him too. Screaming, cursing, begging,
fighting, any of those things might have pushed the scale in favor of 'human.'
"You're a girl, so I suppose you can't really appreciate how I was feeling, but
I'll leave it at amazing. Regulus managed to swipe my mind blank for a while
there. I wasn't thinking about anything other than how this could be mine
whenever I wanted it, wherever I wanted it, forever. I even forgot about
Father, or at least I must have, I was being so loud. I don't think I would
have been okay making those noises, or saying any of what I said if I had
remembered he was there. He really did make the whole situation awkward, but I
think he felt it needed to be done. He told me later that he had noticed
Regulus slept almost always in his own room, instead of visiting me during the
nights. In other words, it had been originally assumed that Regulus and I would
have reached this situation on our own by then, but since we hadn't, and had
remained simply brothers, something had to be done, and Father became the
necessary catalyst."
"'Simply brothers'?" Lily raised an eyebrow. "You think normal brothers treat
their younger sibling the way you did Regulus, even before all…all of
everything else started? I mean, the controlling demeanor."
"My point, Lily, was that Father was almost annoyed with me that I hadn't taken
it upon myself to experiment at all with Regulus yet. He had clearly assumed
that I understood just to what extent my rights over him reached."
"The rights you think you have," Lily reminded him.
Sirius shook his head a little, but otherwise ignored her comment. "I came down
from my high faster than I would have liked, and I immediately collapsed onto
my brother. It never occurred to me that night to ask if Regulus wanted
anything. I don't think he was ever erect at any point, actually, I don't know
if he even could get it up then, he was only ten, and a majorly isolated child
at that."
"Or maybe having someone's cock rammed down your throat just isn't so much of a
turn on as you'd think it would be, Sirius," Lily said with sarcasm.
"Be that as it may," said Sirius through gritted teeth. Lily reached absent-
mindedly for her drink again. "That night could have ended much better than it
did. Now, I was ecstatic at first, and slowly the room was coming back into
focus. That's when I noticed Regulus was coughing and sputtering. 'Hold his
mouth closed,' my father insisted from where he stood by the bed, and I reached
up quickly to do just that. I don't know if I was just blindly following
Father's authority, or if I'd actually had the mental state necessary at the
time to realize that if I didn't do it, he would, and that Regulus would freak
if Father touched him at that point. I grabbed ahold of Regulus's lower jaw and
I pushed firmly upward, trying to get him to swallow, I guess, but that's
really hard to do to someone who's coughing, and Regulus's throat was
convulsing in this awful way. I was afraid suddenly that he couldn't breathe
and so I let go of him and tried to sit us both up.
"'He's not going to choke, Sirius, he'll be fine,' Father said lazily. 'Don't
let him get away with this, even once.' I wondered briefly why it mattered so
much to Father that Regulus swallow after I'd come down his throat, but I
suppose it was some kind of control thing he was trying to teach me. Either
way, he held Regulus's mouth closed tightly himself and then hit him square in
the neck. He made this sort of gagging noise and I think most of it went down
into his lungs, because he started coughing again like crazy as soon as Father
released him, but nothing was coming out of his mouth.
"It took a minute for Regulus to start breathing normally again, by which time
I had begun to feel quite bad for him. Some semblance of the big brother
instinct was kicking in and I felt the sudden urge to comfort him. So, after
redoing my pants and everything, I propped myself up on one elbow and pulled
Regulus up into my chest. I wiped away the faint tears that were leaving those
eyes so similar to my own that it was like seeing my reflection. 'Shush, quiet
now. It's okay, you're okay,' I said by way of comfort, even though he was
being perfectly silent.
"It was when I leaned forward just a little to kiss the top of his head when
Father finally snapped out of some reverie he must have been in. 'Get out,' he
insisted, dragging me from the bed and my brother. 'Don't stay!' he exclaimed,
like it was the most obvious thing. I guess he didn't want me to stay with
Regulus and comfort him. Maybe he thought it was best I learn to discard
Regulus afterwards like a cheap whore. It's one lesson of his that's stuck with
me quite well, but that night it hurt me. I was upset, and came close to
hitting the man as he dragged me by my wrist out the door, leaving Reggie
behind. That night he locked me in my bedroom until morning, as if he were
afraid I would sneak out after he had gone to sleep and see my brother. He
could have just as easily locked Regulus's door, but I guess he wanted to drive
home the point that I wasn't coming back for him."
"Not coming back for your brother," said Lily as soon as Sirius paused his
speech to draw breath. "That seems to be something you're very good at."
"We'll get to that point, Lily, we'll get to it."
"Yeah, I suppose we will…"
"I guess it would be best if I just skip ahead a little ways. Not much else
interesting happened the rest of that term, it was all very tense, though. But
then that fall, Regulus got his letter and I think our parents were actually a
little surprised. You see, they didn't know that Regulus had any magical
propensities at all. In a way, I think they might have been hoping that he turn
out to be a squib. Then they could justifiably disown him and no one would
question where he'd disappeared to when I refused to let him leave my house."
"Yeah, or your fucking cellar."
"Lily! Gods, anyway, they didn't know, but I did. I'd just never told them, I
guess I never saw the reason to. I knew, however, that Regulus was quite
magical, even when he was very small. When it snowed, and I would go outside to
play, Regulus would follow me. I remember one time; I was messing with him,
telling him to give me things like his hat or his gloves, and finally his coat
and his shoes as well. I didn't need them, really, I just wanted to take them.
But soon he was standing barefoot and shirtless in the freezing cold, and the
snowflakes weren't even melting when they hit him. All he had left were his
pants, but before I could ask for those, I had already become bored and wished
to play another game.
"I kicked snow all over his fallen articles of clothing so they'd be freezing
if he tried to put them back on, which he didn't. I remember I decided I wanted
to be a reindeer, and set off looking for sticks to pretend were my prongs.
Regulus disappeared down the street. I didn't bother to really keep track of
him.
"But then he came back, and he was walking through the snow, barely any clothes
at all, but he wasn't shivering or anything. Somehow he was keeping himself
perfectly warm, yet his skin was frozen over. It was like he had gone into some
sort of conscious hibernation, like a snake almost.
"Then I noticed in his arms were multiple sets of antlers. He held them out to
me and he had this sweet smile on his face. Now I know for a fact that one is
not likely to find very many wild animals of the cervidae variety wandering the
semi-crowded streets of holiday London. So where else could he have gotten
them? He created them himself, I'm sure, or more likely he went looking for
them and summoned them without realizing it, thinking that he had found them
along an alley or something."
"What did you do?" asked Lily.
"Well they weren't actually reindeer antlers, I don't think Reggie knew the
difference between the different types of deer. Anyway, I think I yelled
something about not wanting to be a lame mule deer before knocking them out of
his hands, pushing him into the street and running back to the house, already
wanting hot chocolate from Mother.
"Lily, honestly, save your breath. If you want me to get up to present day,
there are going to be a lot more important incidents that will demand your
attention, I'm sure. Now where were we timeline-wise?"
Lily sighed in resignation. "Regulus got his letter. You said he was very
magical, but your parents were surprised."
"Oh, right," said Sirius, nodding. He stretched out and put his hands behind
his head. "Right…
"So here's the thing. That little episode I mentioned with the cold and the
antlers, that was just one of many, Regulus was always spouting off little
bursts of magic when he was around me. I don't know why he was always so
controlled when Mother, Father, or other relatives were around. I remember they
used to make fun of him, right to his face, about not being so magical as I. He
had control over his talents, too, they weren't just random accidents like mine
had been before school, so he easily could have proven them wrong. I think he
liked to just stay out of the limelight. He enjoyed going unnoticed.
"But I digress. Back to the Hogwarts letter. Mother and Father bought Regulus
all the supplies he would need; wand, robes, books, just like any other parent
would. The two trips to Diagon Alley that I made with Regulus were very
strange, and kind of pleasant days, really. My parents are insane, Lily. They
are racist, bigoted, cruel, uncaring, unloving, and sadistic…but they are not
socially retarded. They knew times had changed. It was the seventies now and
their worldviews and practices that had survived for so long in the core of my
family were no longer publicly accepted. They doted on me in public, much, much
more than the mediocre amount—for I always thought I was not receiving enough
attention—they bestowed upon me at home, and Regulus was treated with a sort of
detachment that people always wanted to assume was a mask of propriety hiding
an inner collection of love and cherishment. People would think to themselves,
I just know they would, 'look at the cold glare on Orion's face, so cruel. But
he DOES have a hand on his youngest son's shoulder. He must, he simply MUST
really love that child. He is just being a man, a pureblood man, just keeping
up with appearances.'
"You know, those sorts of assumptions. From the view of an outsider, you'd
never think our home was so horrifically unbalanced. We looked like any normal
aristocratic family of our caliber. Sure it was obvious I was favored over
Regulus, but I was the heir. Regulus was still loved, though, just in a
different way. This is what people think they see. This is what people tell
themselves, and they don't bother to look any closer."
"Someone should have," griped Lily.
"Did you ever?" Sirius asked. "You saw Regulus at Hogwarts more than I did the
last two years James and I were there, remember you had to keep coming back to
do those Further Education speeches? He must have attended every one. Did you
ever think he'd been through so much?"
"No, I suppose not," admitted Lily, her eyes unusually shiny. "But I had
already become biased against him because of everything you'd ever said!"
"The same way the rest of the wizarding world has always thought of the
Blacks," said Sirius simply.
"You and James, you two…but especially you, you were always going on about how
he was a spoiled little racist brat. Poor, poor you, what with him being your
parents' favorite because he had no mind of his own and would become whatever
they wanted—!"
"That last part, I'll have you know, is halfway true," Sirius pointed at Lily
while he spoke. "Just replace 'parents' with my name and you'll be spot on with
that 'doing whatever they want part.' Only I'm not so sure about him not having
his own mind. Regulus does, really, he is a very independent person. If he
weren't, then he would never have survived all those years without me."
"Oh," said Lily in a high-pitched voice. "So when you ditched him all those
years ago, what were you expecting would happen to him, exactly? Did you think
he was gonna' just dropdead? That your parents would get rid of him? …Or did
they finally clue in that their second son was capable of inheriting their name
with you A.W.O.L.?"
"Slow down, dude," said Sirius in a calm voice. "Let's just get there
naturally. You don't want me to skip anything, really, or things aren't going
to make sense."
"You mean up until now they have?"
"Ha, ha. So let's just continue," Sirius took a huge drink from Lily's wine
bottle. "Regulus and school supplies, right. Well, as you can imagine, things
were almost awkward between me and my brother. I say almost because two people
as close as we were really can't reach such a state as 'awkward,' but damn, did
we come close. I hadn't stopped, er, better acquainting myself with him, you
see. If anything, there was a small grace period of around two months (the time
from Easter Break to summer, when I was back at school) where I had nothing to
do with him. When I got back for the summer vacation, however, it was game on."
Lily groaned, and threw her head forward into her hands. Sirius kept talking.
"There were many, many nights like that first one, and over the course of that
first June since that fateful Easter, Regulus developed a sort of sixth sense
concerning my moods. He was like some sort of wild animal, I swear, like when
they all disappear before an earthquake? Only Regulus couldn't disappear, only
resign himself. Well, no that's a lie; he tried avoiding me a few times. I
remember one day in particular. It was very late, well past midnight and we had
been up all night at a family soiree my parents had hosted. Now when the house
was finally quiet again, we were taking our baths. We always bathed at home, we
never showered."
"Wait, hang on, have we backtracked a bit?" asked Lily, confused. "Is this the
summer before Regulus started school?"
"Yes, sorry, we've gone back a few months from his letter arriving. Anyway, I
was moving the soapy body scrub up and down his chest and across his clavicle,
leaning far over the side of the tub and keeping my hold of him with my other
arm wrapped around his shoulders. Then I paused for a second, let my hand slip
under the water to press the scrub hard up against his abdomen, and I started
kissing him on the neck, right below his jaw.
"The important thing here was not that I was kissing him, no, I did that all
the time, for as long as I can remember. I'd never adhered to the rule that one
can only kiss family members on the cheek. So the idea to take away was that
Regulus could tell the difference. Recall that he was only eleven, but that he
could tell from a few simple kisses—which were physically the same as any other
number of bouts of affection he'd received from me—if I was planning on
demanding something in return or not.
"This was a talent he would later be able to apply to my diction, tone of
voice, body stance, and any number of other small things about which most
people didn't think twice. That night, or I guess it was more like early
morning by then, he managed to throw me completely off guard. He was testing
waters, I think, seeing how much misbehavior he could get away with. This
incident, especially, is what makes me so sure that he did have a mind of his
own. He had more than his share of 'mind.'
"So what happened was this. The little fucker tricked me. See, he started
kissing me back. He reached one warm arm up and wrapped it around my neck, and
then repositioned himself so that we were face to face, although he made sure
he was lower down and looking up at me. He nuzzled his face into my neck,
mindful not to get my clothing too wet, and then twisted his head around so he
could start kissing my jaw.
"I was dumbstruck, to say the least. I hadn't expected that. Ever since that
first time, I had just sort of assumed that these little trysts were for my
benefit. I had never imagined that Regulus might find some pleasure in them
too, and of course it went right to my head. I couldn't even seem to move.
Regulus gripped the wrist of the hand I had been washing him with and slowly
pushed it further and further down. Then suddenly I was gripping him tightly by
the shoulders with both hands and almost falling into the water with him, I was
kissing him so frantically.
"I tried desperately to regain some control over myself, and I laughed lightly
at him, and said something like, 'Impatient Reggie, greedy Reggie, my Reggie,'
and with as much self-control as I could work up, I broke it off. I stroked the
side of his face lightly and said he'd have to wait a while, because I hadn't
had my bath yet. So I pulled him out of the water and into a towel, all the
while finding more and more excuses to touch him, to have my skin make contact
with his. I think it caused me actual heartwrench to pull myself away from him
and refill the tub. I slid into the water as he got dressed and then closed my
eyes in contentment. I was expecting any second now that he would return my
ministrations, as he always had, barring that one night the previous Easter.
"I was frowning a little, and wondering what was keeping him. I opened my eyes
and my brother was gone. Out of the room. Nowhere in sight. 'Regulus?' I called
incredulously. Why on earth would he leave, and where would he even go?"
"Clever little kid," Lily smiled fondly. Sirius shook his head, his attitude
towards Lily's newfound affection for his brother shifting between amusement
and anger.
"Anyway, my first guess was his bedroom, or maybe mine, but he wasn't in
either. He'd had a headstart on me, too, as I had had to dry off and dress.
Quietly I crept up and down flights of stairs, looking in each room, and being
as silent as I could because my parents were sleeping. I searched for quite a
while, and since I do not—and did not then—like to be kept waiting, I soon grew
tired of Reggie's little game. I was angry, offended, and felt like I had been
hoodwinked."
"You had," Lily pointed out. Sirius ground his teeth.
"He was in the attic," he continued. "A really large room, almost an entire
other floor complete with carpets, chairs and windows, underneath one of which
I found my brother sitting. He hadn't bothered to hide within the room; I think
he had figured that if I was going to come all the way up to the attic that I
would have looked thoroughly enough to find him once I was there.
"And there he was, cross legged under the window, waning moonlight spilling
through the panes and casting his shadow on the floor, right over the ancient,
threaded throwrug. He had one elbow balanced on his knee, and his chin resting
in that hand. He looked up at me slowly as I rose from the attic floor,
stepping up the final rungs of that pull-down ladder that we used to have."
Sirius paused for a second. "He looked so small," he said, and Lily made no
comment, merely stared at Sirius through the corner of her eye, as though she
wished not to see him directly.
"I walked over to him and he sighed a little, admitting defeat. I made to reach
down and seize him by the arm, but I found that he had already extended a hand
to mine, and was looking resolutely at the floor. I grabbed him by the forearm
and that was the last time he ever tried to actually run and hide from me."
A cold air was lightly blowing from somewhere, Lily was sure. Sirius's words
were making her skin crawl; little needles were pricking her nose as she
breathed. For the first time since she could remember, she was almost afraid to
be in the same room as her friend.
Sirius, for his part, was leaning back again, though he was no longer lounging.
His hands were folded in his lap.
"I'd never been rough with him before. Mentally...emotionally, maybe but never
rough physically. I'm not so sure it was kindness, but more that the thought
had just never crossed my mind. I'd never seen a reason to hurt him; it seemed
an unnecessary expense of effort on my part. That night was different though.
Actually, it was far into the early morning by the time I'd finally found him.
It must have been three or four o'clock when we returned from the attic. I
hadn't even had to make him go down the ladder. I'd simply stopped by the
trapdoor and released him. He was so, I don't know, broken,that he just climbed
down it, quite steadily really, and then stood in the hallway, waiting for me.
I closed up the attic entrance before grabbing him again, although that was
probably unneeded. He wasn't going anywhere. Then I dragged him across the
house and down the stairs to my own bedroom.
"It's a very, very good thing that I had not yet fucked him. Had I the
knowledge and habits that I would gain the next summer, I could have done
irreparable damage. I would have killed him. I was so…
"Angry.
"But certainly around that time I began to think about it. Sexual education is
not something that happens gradually, it is a very abrupt thing. At least it
was for me. After that first encounter on that Easter night, it set the ball in
motion and by the time I came home that summer I had discovered an amount of
sexual technique and theory truly disproportionate to the amount of time that
had passed. That night was like the apex of my understanding. Suddenly, I knew
that there was more. Just a bit more, actually. Just one single other step to
take before I had complete domination of Regulus. I wanted whatever it was that
night. I wanted to know it then, to put it to use, to destroy that evil spirit
in his brain that had taken hold of my Regulus and persuaded him to reject me.
To trick me.
"Things got a little weird that night. If you remember I mentioned he'd cried a
little the first time Father brought me to him. Well if that was his reaction
to something terrifying and wrong, then what I inflicted upon him then must
have been nearly unbearable.
"He wasn't loud, he was never loud. Regulus has really only ever had two
volumes: soft, and silent. It usually took great coaxing to get him to speak at
all, even from me. I don't think you can appreciate what a chatterbox he's
become since you've re-met him. Even if he does seem quiet and softspoken to
you now, it is nothing compared to how he was before. So no, he was immensely
quiet, but the tears came.
"It might surprise you now, but I wasn't very experienced with genuine physical
violence then. There were the scuffles at school, mainly with Snivellus, yes,
but those were magical confrontations. I had been slapped and backhanded by
Father a number of times, but they were never more than small, stinging
reminders. The worst I'd ever gotten was that night I'd tried to hit newborn
Regulus, and I'd gotten over that thirty seconds after it happened. That meant
that, once again, I was in new territory.
"There was actually less hitting than you might imagine. This is another night
with my brother that is engrained very precisely in my memory. I didn't really
strike him all that much, I didn't need to. I found something better.
"In my confusion on how to go about punishing an unruly…"
"The word you're looking for is slave," Lily hissed.
"Yes, well, I was confused as to what to do. I'd gotten him into my bedroom,
and he gave the briefest of struggles at the door. He leaned back ever so
slightly like he might try to pull from my grip, but by the time I looked back
at him, he was already resolutely by my side again, even pressing up against me
a little, trying to hide his face in my side because he had to be scared. See,
he was scared of me, and what I was going to do to him, but at the same time he
was wanting me to protect him. It was all very messed up.
"So I pushed him up onto my bed. My bed is rather high, too, nearly four feet
off the ground, fitting for royalty, I presume, and so he had to clamber a
little. I myself used my desk chair as an easy stepping tool, like I did every
night. It was important especially now, I needed to appear graceful and
confident.
"And so I slid on top of him. This time, I knew all his shirt and clothes had
to go. He didn't deserve them. Now, my bed is nestled in the corner of my room,
and at that time had a lot of pillows lining the wallside, the head, even the
foot of the bed. There were a lot of robes and shirts and other assorted
clothing on my bed as well, it was cozy for me, almost. I liked sleeping with
tall walls of cloth and fluff surrounding me. I could almost burrow in, as it
were. Now I pushed Regulus back into the very corner of my bed, deep into the
mattress and all my things around him matched the darkness of the room, it was
like I was holding him under a blackness that was like water. Slowly, I was
making him suffocate. Not actually, of course, I didn't yet have a grip on his
throat, but Regulus hates small spaces, he's terrified of enclosed areas, and I
was holding him down.
"And other than our baths together, during which much was covered by towels or
bubble bath, I had never really seen Regulus naked all that often, like I said,
it hadn't really been necessary before then. But now, now I couldn't help but
just stare at him, and I know he was gorgeous even for a preadolescent kid.
It's that incestuous game of Yahtzee again, and it just so happened that
Regulus's genes had lined up on dice reading six, six, six, six, and six. He
was perfect, almost feminine, but again not too much. He didn't have those hips
that girls do, I mean, from shoulders to hips he was shaped wide to narrow like
a funnel, not an hourglass. He was the poster child for handsome, yet
effeminate boys. Again, I felt a stab of worry. Regulus was that kind of good-
looking, you could see what you wanted. Look closely and he's so beautiful that
it doesn't matter if you're straight, he's prettier than any girl. Look even
closer, though, and you can see he has a guy's shoulders, and hard, if not all
that large, muscles; girls would love him. Once again I worried what would
happen when he went to boarding school.
"I know I did a lot of pushing. I pushed my hands deep into the spaces between
his ribs, slowly, but forcefully, until he was gasping and pressing the side of
his face to the comforter. I pushed myself down on him, and was rueful that I
was wearing soft pajamas instead of something with a button or a zipper,
something that would cut him. I pushed so hard on his shoulders that eventually
the mattress was stretched far enough it became hard, and I heard his spine pop
against it.
"He kept tilting his head up, like he couldn't get any air from where he lay so
far buried in the mattress, the blankets, the clothes and the pillows.
"And I came so close to doing it, so close to jumping that final step and
forcing my whole self inside of him, but I just couldn't seem to get it all
together. As I said, I came so very close. I pushed him onto his side, face
against the pillows lined up on the wall, and laid myself on top of him
completely. I'm not sure he could breathe at that point, but I didn't care, and
when he started trying weakly to buck me off of him, to push me off of him, I
started thinking how much easier it would be if he would just stop moving.
"I got so far as two fingers, slick with sweat but otherwise dry, a ways past
the second knuckle. Here was the one time Regulus ever misjudged me. He
thought, I'm sure he did, that I was going to continue stretching him, that I
would take him in that final way, but I didn't. I leaned back from him a bit,
and by this time I believe he truly thought he was going to die. He'd lost a
lot of oxygen struggling so hard, and he hadn't been able to breathe any new
air back in with his face against the wall. I was no longer pressed up against
him, but he didn't try to move. Maybe he couldn't, maybe he had just given up,
but either way he was shaking like none other. His hair was damp and there were
beads of sweat rolling across his back and onto the sheets. I rested one hand
on his shoulder, and with the other took hold of myself, slipping my pants down
only so much as I had to. It was strange to notice the tiniest amount of blood
on my nails.
"I scooted back away from him just a little more, and then pulled him around so
that I was kneeling upright, and he was down on his knees before me. He had a
lot of trouble keeping himself from falling back over, but I kept a tight grip
on his head.
"I guess when you mention rough sex, most people think of it happening fast and
hard, but this wasn't like that. If anything, I went slower than I ever had,
and I think that terrified Regulus more. It lasted longer than ever before. I
pushed him down slowly, yet so very far that his reflex changed from gagging to
swallowing. At the time I wasn't worried about it, but now that I reflect, it's
a wonder he didn't bite me. He never did, not that night, not any other night,
which is bizarre as that surely would have made me think twice about ever
allowing my cock to drift so close to his mouth again.
"I can understand that that night he may have been fearing for his very life,
and some semblance of a survival instinct may have kicked in. You know they say
Stockholm Syndrome is actually a survival mechanism? Placating your captors,
displaying genuine affection and cooperating in the hopes that they will not
harm you, it dates back to Neolithic times, I guess, when warring tribes used
to steal people from each other. I can think of no other explanation for why
Regulus took all of the abuse I dished out to him in such stride, especially
after he entered school and must have learned that what was happening was wrong
(although the fact that he never once mentioned it to anyone makes me assume
he'd known it was wrong all along). Unless, of course, he honestly wanted to
make me happy and was willing to destroy himself to do so.
"I can tell you with some certainty why it is I act the way I do, but there are
some parts of Regulus's behavior that I cannot begin to understand. Even now,
it would be so easy for him. I wasn't with him the entire time today when we
spoke to Dumbledore, he has enough bruises and injuries (hell even scars) to
back up his story—not to mention Dumbledore is an excellent legilimens—so why
didn't he just beg the professor for sanctuary? As helpful as he's been to the
Order, Dumbledore would make accommodations for him in a flash. Regulus is
smart, and he can reason these things out, so why does he never act? Even when
I left him behind he tried to follow me when a sane person would have gathered
their money and fled the country just in case I ever changed my mind and came
back. It was I who ignored him at school those last two years, and the three
years that followed, not the other way around. He tried to seek me out on
several occasions."
"God, I wish he didn't," said Lily with some disgust, "but he loves you."
"Yes," Sirius mused. "But…it can't be real, can it? There's no way…"
"Well, you said he didn't want you to leave him, even after he had been
introduced to normal society at school. Tell me, keep going."
"All right. Nothing much else occurred along those lines that night, except
that I felt strange. Climax had a tendency to do that to me, even still now, to
some degree. It wiped me of all emotion and for a second I forgot why we were
there. When I came back down to reality, the events started clicking into place
again, only now that I was softening and comfortable, I didn't see Regulus's
actions as so much of a betrayal. I seemed to realize I had overreacted."
"Overreacted—?"
"When I looked down at him, I was horrified. Not so much by the careful bruises
along his ribcage and neck, or the few weak sputters he gave as his body tried
to cough back up what he'd swallowed. No, what hit me so hard was the fact that
he was actively leaning into the corner, letting the surrounding items close in
on him even more. He was so goddam claustrophobic, and I knew this, so it
shocked me to see that he would rather tangle himself up in his surroundings,
would rather willingly enclose himself in a dark, small area, than be so much
as an inch closer to me.
"I was so used to him preferring me, after all. If there was ever anyone else
in the room, Mother, Father, cousins, uncles, it didn't matter who, Regulus was
always by my side. He'd shy away from our own mother, who to my knowledge never
laid a hand on him, burying his face in my shirt or wrapping his arms tightly
around my waist. He would actively hide his face from other people, making eye
contact only ever with me, but now here he was, burying his face and body in
darkness and waiting to die, just to stay away from me.
"I cannot, like I said, presume to explain all of Regulus's strange behavior,
but I do have quite a few theories and assumptions. At this point he was not
even breathing. I know it is impossible to suffocate yourself to death simply
by holding your breath as your body will not let you do such a thing, but I do
not doubt that Regulus that night would have done it, with the aid of his magic
if he needed to. It might seem that this was the low point, and that if, at
that moment, a total stranger had burst into the room and whisked Regulus away
from me he would be willing to recover, to admit that I was evil and find
someone better for himself.
"That might be what it seems like, but it isn't the truth. I'm fairly certain
of what was going through his head just then. He didn't want to be saved,
seriously, he didn't. You see, the only person on this planet he'd ever wanted
was me, but now he was realizing just how much I could, and would, hurt him. He
was beginning to think I did not love him. Instead of wishing to be free of me,
he simply wanted to die. He decided right then and there that if he couldn't be
safe and loved with me, then he would rather cease to live.
"It took me a minute to realize that he wasn't just catching his breath. He
really was no longer breathing. At that moment it didn't matter if it was
because I'd pushed too hard on his diaphragm or if it was his twisted way of
committing suicide right in front of me. I panicked. Had I really wanted him
dead earlier? Of course not, but I had been angry enough to nearly do it. It
was something I would have regretted, though, and now to see him slowly leaving
right before my eyes was terrible.
"'Hey,' I whispered frantically. 'What do you think you're doing? Regulus what
are you doing?' I pulled him out to the middle of my king sized bed and lay
down next to him. I thought that if I could just get him out of that corner,
somewhere more open, that he would be okay. I remember I ran my hands all over
his chest, as if that would make his lungs do their job. 'Reggie,' now I was
crying, crying because I had been too rough and had broken my favorite toy,
possibly for good. I tried desperately to make him breathe again. I pried open
his mouth with my hands gave him all of the air I had in my lungs. I hit him
and shook him kissed him all over.
"But I couldn't kiss this injury better and I tried my hardest to send my own
magic at him to counteract the magical stopper he had put on his own
respiratory system, but I, even after years of training in the magical arts,
was still not as powerful as he was. I couldn't undo this spell he managed,
part of me wonders now if casting it was even a conscious decision on his part.
"'Regulus,' I sobbed. 'Stop it now, I'll call Father,' but I couldn't scare him
into complying either. 'Please,' I rolled onto my back and pulled him on top of
me. Then I pulled several sheets and blankets up over us. I held on to him
tightly. If Regulus was going to really leave me, then they were going to have
to pry his dead body from my arms.
"Obviously, he didn't actually die. I don't know what changed his mind, but
just as his eyes were starting to roll back, he snapped out of it. He started
coughing and gasping, and I had never been so happy in my life. He had to be
okay now, he was making noises. I started crying even harder, I was so
relieved.
"'Shush, shush,' I said, sitting up now and cradling him in my lap. My hands
roamed under the blankets and I stroked and kissed his entire body, paying
special attention to his neck and chest. I placed two sweet kisses over every
bruise I'd left on his ribcage. I ran my fingers through his soft hair, and I
made sure to be so incredibly gentle.
"I'd told Regulus I loved him before, many times, but never after sex, not once
before then and not once since. But that night I did. 'I love you,' I said,
over and over. 'Please love me back again.'
"Regulus never responded to me. He never answered me nor did he return my hugs
or kisses, he only lay wherever I moved him, shaking ever so slightly and never
meeting my gaze. I don't know if he did this with the intent to punish me, but
if that was his goal, it worked. I felt so horrible, and I knew Father would be
ashamed of how I was acting, but I couldn't help it. I had nearly killed my
Regulus, I had pushed our already strained relationship until it snapped and
all that remained were a few weak strands of what once held us so close
together.
"I kept him close to me the rest of the night, trying desperately to physically
make up for what was now emotionally missing, and that was how the dawn found
us when it entered coldly through my window. It found me lying on top of
Regulus with my face buried in his neck, wanting nothing more than to never let
go of him. I had fallen asleep for a short amount of time just prior to
sunrise. Regulus, I'm sure, didn't sleep at all that night. When I woke up, he
was staring, unblinkingly, up at the ceiling.
"I closed my eyes against the new light, and several more tears managed to
escape me.
"'I'd run away from me, too,' I whispered. 'But you're better than me, so
please don't,' I tried to appease him. 'I'll always love you, baby brother.
Perfect Reggie, please forgive me.' I can remember every word I said to him,
every touch I gave him, hoping to illicit a reaction, and how many times I
tried to beg for his love again. It wasn't something I could forget. He still
didn't say anything (had he known my promises were all empty lies?) and refused
to look at me, so I gave him one more kiss, right on the corner of his eyebrow,
and got up from bed, knowing my parents would soon come for me. Finding me
cuddled up with a naked Regulus would not have been good.
"He did forgive me, though, if you hadn't already deduced as much. It was later
that day, actually. I left him alone for hours, let him sit in his room and do
whatever it was he did to occupy his time when I wasn't around, and I sulked in
one of the drawing rooms. Around three or so in the afternoon, when both our
parents had gone out, I was sitting Indian style in my father's large reading
chair, feeling dejected, my eyes glazed over and looking at nothing in
particular. Regulus meandered into the room carrying an afghan. It was blue, I
remember, with green and black stripes. There were threads sticking out.
"Then he approached me ever so silently, and gently threw the blanket onto my
lap. I looked at him for a moment, wondering what I could possibly say, when he
suddenly climbed into my lap as well. He wordlessly wrapped the blanket around
us and then put his head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of his head and
hugged him close. I didn't say anything, because what words were there? He was
completely mute as well, and we sat like that, cuddled up together, for many
long hours, eyes wide open and never falling asleep."
Lily nodded somberly. "I'm…I'm just…I'm lost," she said. "I don't know what to
think anymore. You're a…a…"
Sirius quirked an eyebrow, daring her to finish her sentence. Hastily, Lily
changed tracks.
"If you cared so much for him, why did you run away? Why did you just ditch
him?"
"Do you want me to skip to that part?"
"No," Lily said abruptly. "No…" she swiped the bottle back up from the coffee
table and realized miserably that it was empty. "I guess we've probably had
enough to drink," she conceded. "Ah, fuck it, I'm getting us another bottle.
They're tiny bottles, right?"
Her joints cracked when she finally stood up from the sofa, stiff after
remaining immobile for so long. From the kitchen she called back to Sirius,
"keep talking, bro."
"Okay," he said, stretching and popping his shoulders. "So things were okay
after that. I still visited Regulus nightly. Some nights would mean he had to
suck me off, but others were more peaceful, sometimes I would just hold him.
And there were always touches, no matter what else. I was ten times more
affectionate than I had been before. I enjoyed pinpointing each and every one
of his most sensitive places."
Lily returned to the living room. "Huckleberry," she deadpanned. She handed
Sirius the bottle and he took a few small sips before passing it back. She
collapsed down onto the couch next to him again.
"Right here," Sirius pointed to the base of his neck, just above the ridge of
his collarbone. "Reggie loves to be touched right here…and kissed right along
here," he ran his finger up and down the curve of his eyebrow.
Lily nodded, "Noted."
Sirius continued. "The summer passed peacefully after that," he said. "I
exchanged some letters with James and the others, but I was careful to do it
when Regulus wasn't around. And…I think we've made it back up to buying school
supplies Regulus's first year. Yeah, we have. So we set off to school together,
but not before Father and Mother had had a word with me at the station. They
were starting to get a little angry, all the letters of my misdemeanors and my
raucous flaunting of my Gryffindor spirit. Oh, they hadn't given up on me yet,
far from it, but they were starting to pull out some serious stops, trying to
get me to conform.
"Strangely enough, they never thought at that point to threaten to take from me
the one thing that might have done their cause some good: Regulus. They didn't
bring him up once that summer. Mother screamed at me a few times, and Father
assured me he would confiscate everything from my broomstick to my very wand if
I didn't start behaving myself, but the idea that losing the privilege of being
with Regulus would so totally devastate me never crossed their minds. I was
happy for that.
"So we got on the train, and I saw a whole new side of my brother. He didn't
want to sit with me on the Express. I was already planning on telling him to
get lost in favor of James, Remus, and Peter, but he either had already assumed
this, or didn't care to sit with me at all because as soon as we boarded, he
stood on tip-toe to give me a kiss on the cheek and then dashed off down the
corridor after some other first years. It threw me a little off balance the
whole ride. James kept asking me if I was ill.
"I got up and checked on him after a few hours. I couldn't stand it. I found
him in a compartment with these two girls in his grade and a boy prefect. I
looked in through the glass. They seemed to be having a good time just talking.
Regulus wasn't smiling or laughing like they were, but he was scrutinizing them
very closely, studying them almost. I had thought that thrown into any sort of
social situation, he would cling to me like always, but this wasn't the case.
He was perfectly fine with other people. Later on I would learn that he was
excellent at sneaking around in the outskirts of social groups and manipulating
everyone without their knowing. The public domain he had never been exposed to
was like a game to him, some new and exciting challenge. My only piece of
solace was that he wasn't an active part of their conversation. He still hardly
opened his mouth around other people.
"Well, I pulled him out of the compartment explaining to those others that we
had to spend some quality time together on the train before he was separated
from me at the school, and I led him by the arm down to the bathrooms. I pulled
him into one, locked it, and then pressed him up against the door, kissing him
hard on the mouth. There wasn't usually much tongue involved because normally I
was kissing him. We didn't often kiss each other, but this time was different.
I got him to return the kiss, and I was finding that I loved the electric buzz
I felt when our tongues connected.
"Regulus, I think, thought that I'd dragged him off because I was wanting a
quick fix, and he broke away from my kiss and started to sink to his knees in
front of me, but I pulled him back up, saying 'no,' and I started kissing him
again. I pulled him away from the door and hugged him to me, one hand in his
hair, the other on his back. He was laughing into my kiss; I think I was
amusing him somehow.
"We couldn't hide in there forever, though, and eventually I went back to the
Marauders and left Regulus to his own devices. It might not seem important to
mention that incident on the train, but it was actually a perfect example of
how our relationship had changed once again. We were like two people in love,
it was like we were dating properly. When we got to the school, and Regulus was
sorted into Slytherin like I knew he would be—remember he's such a sneaky
little bastard—I still saw him frequently. I'd set up meetings and we'd fly on
the Quidditch Pitch or go for walks by the lake under the stars. Yes we still
did other things, but slowly it was changing towards something a little more
mutual.
"It was no longer just me that got my climax. I'd stroke Regulus off as well,
usually when we were kissing after the fact. It was Christmas Break that year
(when I stayed at school for once and Regulus stayed as well) when I put my
mouth on him for the first time."
Lily raised an eyebrow. "You did what now?"
"I wasn't very good at it, of course, and Regulus wouldn't do to me what I'd
always done to him, which would have been to grab my head and move it for me,
but I think the gesture itself had him over the moon. I finally had it back,
you see, that unwavering adoration that I had so carelessly broken the previous
summer. In fact, I had it back and then some. Regulus had never, up until that
point, loved me so much as before we'd become intimate. We'd lost something the
night Father had urged me into starting this whole messed up ordeal. That
school year, though, things were nearly as perfect as they could be. I had to
keep most everything a secret, of course, and Regulus and I didn't spend all
that much time together in public, but every once and a while I'd sneak down to
his dorm and when everyone else was gone from the common room, I'd read to him
while he fell asleep on my lap. Or we'd meet randomly in hallways on our way to
classes and we'd shrink behind tapestries and kiss each other silly.
"I was happy. I thought things were perfect, but of course it couldn't last.
Partially because I'm an idiot and mostly because our parents always ruined
everything for me."
"Have we gotten to your flight to James's house yet?"
"Almost Lily, first there was the summer. I was midway through my teen years,
Regulus still a good three to four or so years behind me depending on the
month, and remember, we hadn't actually had real sex yet.
"Well, my parents saw fit to change that. God only knows how they'd figured
just how far Regulus and I had gotten. I think this was the last ditch attempt
to get me to cooperate with their pureblood mania before they brought out the
big guns. It was the first night back from Hogwarts and I'd carried both
Regulus's and my own trunks up into my room. Then I returned back to the
entryway for my brother, who was falling asleep against the wall.
"'You're so cute, Reggie,' I said, and I picked him up and carried him
carefully up the stairs. Holding his gentle weight just felt so perfect.
"But when I got to his room, intending to lay him down in his own bed and curl
up next to him while he napped, I ran right into my father, who was standing in
Regulus's doorway, my mother behind him. Immediately I set Regulus down and
gently patted his cheek to wake him back up. He blinked blearily a few times,
but then, upon seeing my parents, fell back into his old habit (the one I had
seen so little of at school) of shrinking back into me and averting his eyes.
"My father seemed exasperated, and my mother…well, indifferent. Father reached
out and yanked Regulus away from me. He pulled him into the room and I had no
choice but to follow. I had not willingly left Regulus alone with either of my
parents since the day I recanted my vow to kill him, and I sure did not intent
to break that record just then.
"'Okay, Sirius,' was all my father said. He threw my Regulus onto the bed.
"I know now that my parents intended this encounter to be so satisfying for me
that I would crave it again and again. They planned, I think, to get me
addicted to my brother in a whole new way and then hold him over my head.
Probably something along the lines of saying that they would not let him live
with me when I was of age if I did not shape up immediately. Perhaps they would
have gone so far as to threaten to get rid of him, send him away or maybe even
kill him. But those were not thoughts that I had time for at that moment.
"I don't think I even need to mention to you that the evening did not go so
well. Regulus; I was much more focused on myself, but I think I remember him
being scared out of his wits. He always caught on to things so much faster than
I did. He had probably figured that Mother and Father being in his room with us
was a terrible, terrible thing for him. His mind must have been flashing back
to that first night with Father pulling him up out of bed and all but throwing
me at him.
"He'd curled himself up in a little ball and though he might have been twelve
at the time, he looked to me no bigger than that night that he had been ten.
"My parents are foreboding people, Lily, even to an adult. I was just sixteen
and they were very much a frightening presence when either of them got into one
of their moods. I remember trying desperately to appeal to my Mother, who was
usually the more rational of the two, but she was leaning against the wall, one
arm crossed over her chest and the other guiding a cigarette to her mouth. She
whispered harshly, 'For God's sake, Orion, this was your idea, now go through
with it. It's not like he's ever going to do it on his own.'
"I ignored that she was speaking about me as if I weren't there. It wasn't
urgent at the moment.
"It didn't take me too much longer to clue in on what was going to happen. And
it wasn't that I didn't want to make love to Regulus, it was quite the
opposite. I wanted to very badly, but I wanted to wait. Lily, he was so little!
That protective instinct in me had come back much stronger than it had ever
been, and part of it already wanted to kick my ass for doing with Regulus what
I had been over the years. Actual, physical sex was something I had been
planning on bringing up years down the road, when I deemed him old enough.
"And I wasn't so mean a person as I had been when I was littler. If you haven't
caught on, being away from my parents every year had…well it didn't get rid of
what I was, but it did hide it nicely under a façade of decency. I wanted to
make love with Regulus one day, like lovers do. I did not want to simply take
him and I certainly did not want to do this against his will. I remembered all
too well that crushing horror I had felt the last time I'd been too rough with
him. If I broke him again, if we went through another horrible night like the
one that summer, I was positive he would never forgive me. We would never be
able to bounce back from that.
"But my parents had different ideas. Now, this night exists in major contrast
in my memory. Parts of it, I blocked out, mostly small intervals, so some of
it's a little choppy. Other instances, however, I can remember down to the
minute details, and exist in my mind as a blow by blow account.
"For instance, I don't remember much of how it started. I can remember it was
very dark, just like it always seemed it was. The smoke from my mother's
cigarette was sickening me, and my parents lit no lights. I remember that my
father pinned me against the side of Regulus's bed and all I could focus on
were my brother's eyes. His eyes shining in the dark and suddenly I very much
wanted to learn if there were freckles in my eyes as well that would align
perfectly with his every time we kissed. It seemed so depressing in that
instant that I still didn't know that. I was crushed by the feeling and I
wished very much that I had thought to look. I was filled with a sudden dread
that something was about to die for good.
"Regulus, I think, had been emboldened a little by his adventures at school.
Meeting so many new people had brought out talents in him he had never known he
had. People acted like he was normal, the teachers had certainly seemed to love
him. He had been looked on with respect and equality and now he knew that this
dark place in which we lived was most assuredly not okay, that it was twisted
and deranged. It had long since been proven to him (because understanding on an
intellectual level that something is true and seeing the proof for yourself are
two different states of acceptance) that normal families did not do this to
each other, and now he expected me to protect him. Instead of going along with
it like I always had before, he expected me to put a stop to it. To pull out my
wand, if I had to."
Lily couldn't stop herself. "So all this time, you've been bitching about how
your brother could never stand up to your parents, but it was you who didn't
have the guts to do one decent thing in your entire life."
Sirius had no answer for her. He stared straight into her eyes for several long
seconds, before pulling his gaze to the side, and that was all the answer she
needed.
"The next few minutes are missing from my memory. It was all sort of a blur.
Father held Regulus down and pulled off every stitch of clothing he had on.
Regulus thrashed and fought all the while, he was probably wondering why I
didn't stop Father and at least do it myself. I knew how much he hated being
touched by that man. I didn't move, though, only watched in fascination. You
see, a small part of me—a part I'll admit was rapidly growing—was coming to
accept what was happening next. I sometimes slipped into old habits too, and
letting my father guide me through these sorts of things was one of them. One I
had hoped never to revisit, but still it was there.
"Now I said I was fascinated, and that was partly because, despite my love for
Regulus, I was insanely curious. I wanted to know what it would be like. I
wanted to cross that final barrier. I had already resigned myself that my
parents were going to make it happen either way, so why not enjoy myself? I had
reasoned out, as well, that surely this, this final hurtle to get over, would
guarantee Regulus be mine for life. How could he ever leave me after I claimed
him so completely?
"I know it didn't make sense, but I so wanted it to at the time. It was
rationalization, I know, but it was all I had, the only other option being to
call up some bravery from a deep well of courage within myself and stand up to
my father. Such reserve chivalry, however, it turns out I didn't have. I
climbed up onto the bed with such a greedy look on my face. Again I got to see
my brother naked, and he was even more delectable than the last time. There was
just a little bit more muscle, just the tiniest bit more shape to his physique.
I wouldn't have been surprised if my mouth was watering.
"As was usual, I didn't remove much clothing. I undid my trousers just enough
for this all to work. My mother, who I had almost forgotten was in the room,
caught a glimpse of me and I remember she whistled, complimenting me. It should
have made my face burn, but it didn't.
"Regulus made a last ditch effort to get out of this with minimal damage. He
leaned down like he was going to do what he was so used to doing, but Father
stopped him. He said something to him, something harsh and cruel, but I can't
remember what it was, or maybe I just don't want to.
"Then it was like I was a little kid all over again. Father was instructing me
so calmly and carefully. Regulus was in a fully-fledged panic mode at this
point, but I think he was so frightened his muscles had all seized up. He
didn't try to get away anymore.
"Father was the one who prepared him, and he did it none to gently, I remember.
Regulus shivered because his hands were cold, and he cried out because they
were unlubricated. I was no expert, by far, but even I was aware that the way
he was going about this was doing Regulus no favors. My father ignored his
feeble protests, perhaps not out of cruelty, but because he had even managed to
convince himself that Regulus wasn't a person, that he didn't have feelings or
the ability to comprehend pain.
"In and out he went, and he demonstrated this odd scissoring motion. As painful
as his preparation of Regulus was, I wish he had done it for longer, because
Regulus was not stretched enough for me
"I did exactly as Father said. I let him help me align my hips, and then I
started to enter. I hadn't gotten much further than the head before Regulus was
outright begging me to quit. It hurt, he insisted. He asked me why I wouldn't
stop. I don't think I had ever heard him string together quite so many words
before. To be frank, it scared me, angered me almost.Regulus didn't talk so
much, so what the hell was going on? Surely this squirming body beneath me
couldn't belong to my little brother; it wasn't behaving in the correct manner.
"That brief, unseated fear that I had, that this was surely a poorly
constructed doppelganger of my Regulus was something that my ego ran off with,
immediately employing that rationalization defense mechanism again in full
swing. This wasn't really Regulus, so it was okay, but at the same time it
looked like Regulus, so it was acceptable for me to do it. It wasn't cheating,
I could claim confusion.
"Do you see how unhinged my mind was at the moment? It harbored such ridiculous
thoughts. I have trouble believing it even now, but that's how it happened.
Bottom line is I pushed all rational thought to the back of my mind, maybe even
further than that, and let myself get lost in the feeling. I started to thrust
in a little deeper, because my current position would never do, but I didn't
get very far before I yelped and actually clapped a hand to my mouth.
"It hurt. It really hurt. I couldn't believe it, it was supposed to feel good,
wasn't it? Well, maybe not so much for Regulus, but for me, certainly. In one
erratic movement, I had yanked myself out of my brother and began the momentous
task of leveling out my breathing, because it sounded like I had just run a
fucking mile. I was panting and even shaking a little. I assume it was all
because Regulus was so small and because Father had done a poor job getting him
ready for me, but I suppose I should also acknowledge the possibility that
Regulus himself was deploying some kind of defense strategy. I have no doubt he
had the magical prowess to hurt me, but at the time, I had just never suspected
that he everwould. I still don't know."
"Why don't you ask him about it?" Lily suggested quietly. Her voice was hoarse,
as if she were the one who had been talking almost constantly for the better
part of two hours.
Sirius looked at her incredulously. "Are you serious?" he almost laughed. "Ask
Regulus about an event that happened more than half a decade ago? He wouldn't
remember…"
"You do," Lily pointed out. She was curled up in a tight ball on the very edge
of the sofa now, her chin resting on the knees of her pajama pants.
"Yes, well, Regulus was in a state of panic, you have to understand. Even if he
did deploy his magic to hurt me like that, he might not even have realized he
was doing it. And it hadn't left him unaffected, either. As soon as I was off
him, curled up slightly on myself, Regulus's hands reached down so fast they
were almost a blur. He was whimpering and trying to rub the pain away. He
started to roll into a little ball again, but my father grabbed him, and rolled
him onto his stomach.
"Up until that point, Regulus had been on his back, it was the last piece of
dignity that had been left for him. Now it was gone, though. I looked up again,
with tear filled eyes, and noted this in my mind.
"I wish it had just been left at that, catalogued as a failed attempt and filed
away as something to warrant further consideration in the future. I am sure
that, if at that moment my father had decided it wasn't feasible yet, that we
needed more time, I would never have left Reggie. You see, we were both
hurting, we were almost on even ground. I would have left the house that very
night and I would have taken him with me.
"But of course that didn't happen, you know that already. And you already know
that my parents' endeavor did succeed. Father held Regulus down by the
shoulders and I slowly regained my composure. I looked only once at my father's
face to see that there was no getting out of this. I didn't even bother double
checking with a look to my mother, I only resigned myself.
"So I climbed on top of Regulus again, and tried a second time. It seemed to
take forever, but I managed to enter him completely, and believe me, he fought
me every inch of the way to the best of his ability. He thrashed and screamed
hoarsely, calling me names I didn't know he even knew. It made Mother laugh. He
managed to dislodge me completely several times, despite Father's hold on him,
but each time his reward was only a harsher reentrance.
"Being unable to see Regulus's face now that he lay on his stomach, coupled
with his uncharacteristic yelling and movement, kind of deleted his identity
from my mind. It was like I didn't recognize him anymore, and that made it
okay, enjoyable even, once I'd gotten past the initial pain.
"Erm, I'm not sure how much of a detailed, as it were blow-by-blow account, you
want, but overall the whole thing was pretty raw. There had been no lubrication
for me either, and I scraped myself with every motion. I suffered through it,
though—"
"Yeah, you really fucking suffered!"
"And over time…it started to get slicker, easier. It dawned on me that I was
making Regulus bleed and that this impromptu lubrication of sorts was making my
life a whole lot easier."
"I can't fucking believe you—"
"Regulus had run out of fight after a while, and was pressing his face down
hard into the mattress—the pillow had long since been knocked off—he stretched
his hands out feebly to grasp the headboard in an attempt to steady himself,
because I was pushing him around quite a bit. Every muscle in his body was high
strung to the point of snapping. He was covered in a thick sheen of sweat and
trembling. Eventually the strength ran out in his arms, though, and when his
elbows bent, the force of what I was doing sent him careening those last few
inches, headfirst into the wood with a resounding smack. I didn't even break
rhythm. By that point I was out of my own mind, controlled completely by an
intense pleasure. I said no words, but I'm sure I still made a lot of noise. I
am glad, to this day, that I either did not hear, or can no longer remember
hearing what my mother must have said. I imagine the very memory would make me
hurl.
"I had thought that Regulus had been complacent before, when his energy had
first died down, but now he was nearly catatonic, that last blow to the head
being the final straw on his already strained body. I leaned forward, clawing
my fingers into his shoulders, and finished. I spasmed a few times and then
collapsed, shaking and completely boneless. It was such a high that black dots
were swarming my vision.
"My father gave a small laugh of approval, and when I could see properly again
I looked up from where I lay on top of my brother, and noticed my mother had
left sometime earlier. I concentrated again on my father. He nodded at me once
and then smirked as I resituated my clothing. He must have thought he had won,
that they had me now, that I surely must think there was no rebellion on this
planet worth giving this up.
"And for a while there, he was right."
"What do you mean?" asked Lily, taking in shaky breaths.
"I mean that after I was once again presentable, I stood up off the bed on sort
of shaky legs. My father steadied me with a hand on my shoulder and began to
lead me out the door. He was taking me downstairs to my mother, she was getting
some papers lined out. Plans for my future were going to be made. Betrothal
suggestions, housing possibilities, class choices, that sort of thing. My
father stepped in front of me as we crossed the threshold, and I was about to
follow him, now fairly steady on my own two legs, when I heard Regulus call out
behind me.
"'Sirius!' he sobbed, and again I was struck by the volume his voice had
reached. When I looked back I saw him there, tiny, vulnerable, and looking
utterly miserable. We had never gotten under the blankets, so he wasn't covered
by anything. I noted almost with detachment the traces of blood on his hands,
on the comforter beneath him, and on his forehead.
"He was screaming, and my Regulus never screamed. He very nearly ripped his
throat apart from the inside out yelling that I hadto come back, please I
couldn't leave him. He said that I couldn't abandon him. Screamed it, actually,
and it was because he was screaming that I looked at him with a certain
coldness in my heart. This was not my Reggie anymore, for my Reggie was quiet
and sweet and knew to do what I wanted.
"But still, as we locked eyes, he continued to beg. He asked for only one
thing, really, he wanted me to come back to his room when I was done talking
with Mother and Father. To return, at some point during that night and comfort
him, explain that I still loved him with all of my heart, an expression that,
up until that moment, had been true. It wasn't that I had loved Regulus more
than I had loved anyone else; it was that he quite literally had all the love
that was mine to give. I loved no one else, not even my friends, not really. He
insisted, (and for this one sentence his voice dropped back to that quiet
whisper I knew so well) 'I'll never forgive you, not if you don't come back.'
"I stood there, taking in the oncoming silence that followed Regulus's outburst
and breathing deeply. Then, slowly, I nodded once, a small movement really, but
a promise nonetheless…and I followed my father out of the room. He didn't
comment on my brother's words and neither did I, but instead he led me
downstairs to my mother, where our planning began.
"I imagine we laid out nearly my whole future that night. Certainly enough of
it to kill most of the mystery there is associated with growing up, but
whatever. I was all for it at the moment, and believe it if you will, I was
actually planning on keeping my promise and going back to Regulus like he'd
demanded, if only to show him my disapproval at his yelling. It was something
that would have to go before he moved in with me, which was only a couple years
away by that point.
"But that's when the letter came, and that ruined everything, because if I had
gone back to Regulus then, like I had planned, for better or worse we would
have made up. As things happened, however, I got about midway back up the
staircase from the drawing room when my mother called me back sweetly.
"'Sirius,' she said. 'This letter came for you just a moment before you came
down. Big, pretty grey owl brought it over.'"
Sirius stopped talking. Lily gave him thirty seconds before demanding abruptly,
"What? Why'd you—Sirius, keep going!"
"I'm sorry," he laughed bitterly and ran a hand through his hair. "It's just I
don't know if I should tell you, it might make you angry with—"
"The letter's from James, isn't it?" Lily asked, exasperated.
"Yes," Sirius admitted.
"Well? Did it say Sirius come hang with me but be sure to leave your
emotionally damaged brother alone with your two sociopathic parents so he can
be driven into such misery that joining Voldemort looks like a decent option.
Love, James…?"
"No," said Sirius slowly. "But…"
"Then, strangely enough, my blame still attaches itself to you," Lily barked,
sitting up on her knees. She looked to be on the verge of grabbing Sirius by
his shirt collar and shaking him. "Now keep talking, goddammit!"
"Okay, right…right, sorry. So here's what happened next. I don't really
remember much of the letter. It was just the usual stuff. 'Hi, I'm bored
already, what's up with you? Do you want to come visit sometime?' That sort of
thing. But still, it was from James and I just, I mean my mind was all over the
place that night. The letter from James induced this inexplicable euphoria
within me, and I immediately dashed back up to my room to respond to it.
"I…I wrote back. I've no idea what I said, but I sent the letter off with my
owl. She took off out the window and I just sat down on my bed. Only for a
second! I wanted to rest for a few moments, I was tired.
"Only I blinked once…and when my eyes were open again, it was the next day. I'd
fallen asleep, Lily. And as soon as I was awake I realized with a horror that I
had broken my promise to Regulus. He had undoubtedly sat up all night waiting
for me, because it was in his nature to do something like that. And I hadn't
shown up.
"I cursed myself. I'd fucked things up, how was I supposed to fix things this
time? I would have to apologize, for starters.
"But I didn't get the chance to, I just…that morning my uncle came by. You know
my Uncle Alphard? Well, he's always had a bit of a preference for me. He never
gave Regulus the time of day, but me he adored for some reason. Backwards,
isn't it? I guess he just wasn't so good at reading people as he thought, but
he was constantly under the impression that getting me away from my parents and
the rest of the wizarding world on a regular basis would turn me into a decent
person."
"Such experiences were obviously unnecessary for Regulus," Lily scoffed.
"Don't think too lowly of my uncle. He meant well, he just…maybe didn't execute
his plans too well. But the point is that he was waiting down at the kitchen
table for me to wake up. I've no idea where my parents were; still sleeping,
out shopping, prowling around the Ministry, it didn't matter. I was alone in
the kitchen with my uncle and Regulus was nowhere to be found. I'd stopped by
his room, but he hadn't been in it. The kitchen had been my next place to look.
"I displayed some amount of shock at seeing my uncle there, and then
immediately asked him if he'd seen my brother. The sooner I got to Regulus, or
so I thought, the more quickly he would forgive me. Then I could kiss him once,
maybe hug him, ditch this horrific guilt and get on with my life.
"But Uncle Alphard seemed to not even know who I was talking about. He caught
on a second later, laughing, 'Oh, yes, Reginald, right…the little one. No, I
haven't seen him. But you, my Gryffindor nephew, I have a big surprise for you!
Sort of a welcome home for the summer present, if you will.'
"I cocked my head to the side and asked, 'what?' Then in that paternal manner
he'd always reserved for me, my uncle beckoned me closer and put a hand on my
shoulder. He whispered in my ear that he had reserved an estate in Paris for
the next week and a half and that I and however many of my friends I could
scrounge up were going to go stay there in France, drink as much wine as we
wanted, and if I understood his subtle hinting at all, have it on with as many
French girls as we could find."
"France!" Lily moaned, grinding her palm into her forehead. "How could I have
forgotten? James didn't shut up about that trip for months. Hell, he still
talks about it sometimes. I had no idea that it—Jesus."
"Yeah," said Sirius. "Well…we left. As in, right then, no hesitation, no
packing, nothing. We just flooed over to James's, unannounced. Uncle Alphard
exchanged some words with James's parents while he and I dashed around alerting
all of our closest friends. Peter couldn't go because his mother was paranoid
about the French, I remember, but Remus was in and we also took several other
fellow Gryffindors. If you had still been in school at the time I'm sure we
would have remembered you and invited you as well."
"Because I had nothing better to do at the time than frolic along with a bunch
of sixteen year olds. Right."
For a second, Sirius didn't say anything.
"Why didn't you take your brother along?" asked Lily curiously. "I would think
that would make a good first part of your apology."
Sirius swirled the wine bottle around in a slow circle, watching the last of
the alcohol slosh around at the bottom. "I don't know," he mumbled. "I'm trying
to think…I guess it…I guess I didn't want him around my friends, or I wanted to
be just with my friends. In that instant, it just seemed like it'd be lame to
have him tagging along."
"So you didn't even think to contact him? Sirius, didn't you just say that you
didn't even know where he was?"
"I don't know, Lily! It's not like I'm the only person in the world who ever
blew off their younger brother to hang with their friends! It's just what
people do."
"You didn't even know where he was," Lily hissed. "Sirius, he was missing, for
god's sake, didn't that concern you?"
"Well it's not like was five," said Sirius indignantly. "He was almost
thirteen, he could take care of himself!"
"And you believe that?" asked Lily coldly. "You believe what you're saying
right now?"
"Of course I do."
"You're crying."
"No, I'm not," said Sirius hastily. He frantically rubbed his eyes.
"Yes, you are," Lily insisted. She leaned forward and grabbed his wrists to
make him stop. "What…what happened when you came back?"
"My parents," Sirius coughed briefly. "My parents were not pleased. My uncle
hadn't told them, you see, he waited until we were already out of the country
before sending them word that he'd taken me vacationing. And well…they don't
like being left out of the loop very much. I don't know what they were thinking
exactly, probably that this kind of behavior was counterproductive to what they
needed me to be. It was like they finally snapped and went a little berserk on
me. When I came home, alone because Uncle Alphard had no intention of getting
into a screaming match with his brother-in-law, it wasn't pretty.
"I don't know where Regulus was that first morning when I was looking for him,
but he was safe at home when I returned from France. He was in the kitchen
eating sweets, actually. I remember that was the first thing I noticed. My
brother, my shadow, was seated at the head of the dinner table at four in the
afternoon, snacking on cakes and soft drinks. My jaw almost dropped. I rarely
got to destroy my dinner appetite with junk food, since when did Regulus?
"And that's when the screaming started. It wasn't just the impromptu vacation,
or the running off without telling them. They dragged up every misdemeanor I'd
ever performed, dating all the way back to my school sorting. I was a failure,
an embarrassment.
"None of these insults were new to me, of course, I'd heard them all a dozen
times, but there was one thing that hadn't been present before: comparison to
Regulus. Suddenly Mother and Father were citing him as the example of a perfect
son. Look at how obedient Regulus was, look at how well-mannered. Regulus was
in Slytherin like everyone else, Regulus wasn't friends with the wrong sorts of
people (my attempts to counter that by mentioning that Regulus was friends with
no one at all were all met with more insults and several threats of physical
violence).
"Lily you can't possibly imagine how confused I was, this was such a change of
tactics. And the whole time while my parents and I, standing face to face in
the entryway to the kitchen, shouted loud enough to shake the portraits on the
walls, Regulus was silent. I could see him easily from where I stood, and he
just sat there, frozen. He stared at us all with this helpless look on his
face, but not once did he speak. I'm not sure, exactly, what I thought he
should have said to defend me at the time, but now I realize there's not much
he could have said. What had I expected? Him to get up and stand next to me,
scream that Mother and Father had no right to treat me like this? After what
I'd done to him? I never imagined it then, but how must he have felt when,
after what went down that night, not only did I not go back to him, but instead
I disappeared altogether?
"So he didn't stand up for me, and honestly it wouldn't have been much help if
he had, and I suppose I had it coming, but I saw it as a sort of betrayal. He
was supposed to be mine, loyal to me, and here he was in league with the enemy:
our parents.
"And that's how it began, that's when Regulus was suddenly the golden child. My
parents started bending over backwards for him. He got affection and privileges
I had never had, and it enraged me to no end. I started to hate him, instead of
hating Mother and Father, who were honestly the real causes of my distress. It
was just easier for me to take out my anger on the thin child four years my
junior than on the parents who had control over every aspect of my life and
future.
"Really, though, all the sudden attention confused Regulus. And of course he
understood its origins better than I did. He knew that it was all false, and I
don't think he understood why I didn't comprehend that fact as well; why I
didn't realize that my parents were just trying to get me riled up and jealous.
If I had caved to them right then and there, they would have never given
Regulus a second thought again. He was a tool to them, but I didn't see it.
"When we went school shopping my parents didn't come to Diagon Alley with us,
only sent Regulus with money, all of which I took from him, leaving him to beg
borrow or steal his supplies. I don't know what he ended up doing. I told you
that the two times we went shopping together were good days for me but that was
a lie. The first was genuine, because I spent so much of it with my Regulus at
my heels, but this one, I left him alone in the street and ran fast to James
and Peter, both of whom I'd seen standing by the ice cream shop. There was a
reason I'd taken more than my share of money. I figured I was going to need it,
because I was never going home."
Sirius's voice trailed off and a tangible silence engulfed the room. Then Lily
took a deep breath.
"And I guess that's the part where you're officially out of the picture?"
"Yes," Sirius confirmed. "I saw Regulus only a few times after that. He was
waiting for me outside Gryffindor tower the first night back to school. He came
bounding up to me, looking like he was going to fucking throw his arms around
me or something and I just remember how I couldn't let him. My friends were
there, for god's sake, I'd have looked like a total loser."
Lily raised an eyebrow. "If you were so cool as you thought you were, you
wouldn't have cared what you looked like."
Sirius rolled his eyes, but his heart wasn't in the expression.
"He tried again, you know. I mean, I sidestepped disaster that one time, but he
didn't give up. He sent me letters; some I read, some I burned, and some I sent
back unopened. They tapered off after a while. He caught up with me in
Hogsmeade once, to drop off my Christmas present. Fucking Remus was with me at
the moment and he was too nice to tell Regulus to fuck off. Took the gift from
him and thanked him for me, like I was some little kid who didn't understand
how to say the words yet—"
Lily cut him off sharply, "what'd he get you?" she asked eagerly.
Sirius blinked a few times. "A—a fucking stupid, girly thing. It was—if I
remember correctly—this damn ugly necklace. Some gaudy lion emblem on a rope
string. I don't know where he got such a terrible looking piece of jewelry.
Most professionals do a better job than that. It was all frayed and whatnot,
and the paint job was a little uneven—" Sirius stopped himself.
"So after a while he stopped trying to reach out to you?" asked Lily. "He gave
up?"
"Yeah I guess," Sirius shrugged.
"So he gave up, and joined the ranks for, I don't know, some sense of belonging
or…what?"
Sirius brushed his leg harshly, swiping at some invisible dust. "Fuck if I
know," he griped. "I told you, I don't understand ninety percent of the shit
that kid does. God only knows why he does anything."
"You love him," said Lily simply.
"The fuck are you saying?" asked Sirius testily.
"Listen to yourself, Sirius, you've contradicted yourself so many times it's
comical. You might not want to admit to it, but Reggie is your everything.
These last few years? Well, you're just a masochist," she smiled a little.
"He's not my anything anymore. I don't need my family, Lily, I cut off all ties
with them years ago." Sirius insisted.
"No," Lily countered. "That's a stupid way to think, Sirius. You cut off from
their ideals (and we'll just forget that it was for less than noble reasons)
not from them. Especially not from Regulus. Come on, man, can't you learn to
separate people out of these all encompassing labels you churn out? Hating
someone because they're in an 'evil' family is just as ridiculous as hating a
person for impure blood. You could be fucked to practice what you preach."
For a moment Sirius was silent, then: "You know…I actually haven't been
completely honest. I think I DO know why Reggie did it. Joined Voldemort, I
mean, and it had nothing to do with our parents or blood supremacy or anything
along those lines. It was always so obvious, I just didn't care too much to pay
attention. You see, Lily, he wanted to protect me. He truly believed, somewhere
deep in his heart that if our side won the war, I would protect him, no matter
how much I'd said I hated him; I would take him in and plead his case, save him
from the dementors, from the anger of those left alive amongst us. He thought I
had his back, you know? So can you guess it? Do you know why he did it? No one
else in the world ever mattered to Regulus, not wizards or muggles or anyone in
between; it was only ever me. Do you understand?"
"Yes," Lily said softly. "Yeah, no I do, I think I do. He was doing the same
thing that he thought you were doing for him. He knew there was a chance
Voldemort would win. He wanted to be there when he did, so he could plead
sanctuary for you. So he could request from Voldemort the life of his renegade
brother." She laughed bitterly, "And why wouldn't Voldemort grant him that?
Regulus might not have been a useful Death Eater in the field, but he was the
perfect pureblood poster child for Voldemort's regime. Surely he would give
Regulus one small gift in return for helping him take the world. I imagine
Regulus asking for your life to be spared would be small compared to what most
of the other Death Eaters would demand for their years of service. I believe
what you said, Sirius, about Regulus not caring about anyone else. It makes
perfect sense that he would have detachment, totalapathy for this civil war as
a whole. All he ever wanted was you!"
And with that, Lily grabbed Sirius's arm and yanked him forward harshly. She
shoved her hand down his shirt and clasped her hand around something metallic.
Sirius closed his eyes in defeat.
With a soft smile, Lily pulled out her hand and opened it, staring with
interest at Regulus's tiny, homemade lion necklace.
Section lll:
"I'm going to go up to bed now, Lily, okay?"
Lily nodded and curled up on the couch, preparing to sleep there for the night.
Sirius walked slowly up the creaking stairs. Mindlessly, he guided himself
straight to his bedroom where he found Regulus still awake and sitting cross-
legged near the headboard.
"Hey," Sirius noted. "I thought you were dying for sleep?"
Regulus looked up at him and stared for a moment, trying to discern his older
brother's mood. Finally, he smiled. "I couldn't sleep…without you here. So I
was waiting."
"How cute," Sirius commented. He stripped off his clothing and motioned for
Regulus to do the same. He left his necklace on.
Catlike, Sirius crawled onto the bed and stretched himself out over his
brother. With wide eyes, Regulus reached out a tentative hand to grasp at
Sirius's necklace. His fingers ran over the braided rope cord, faded and frayed
from years of being worn.
It can't be true, it can't be true.
Regulus shook himself out of his useless dreams and resigned himself for
Sirius's coldness to resurface; and for a moment, it did. Sirius went at him
hungrily, muttering reprimands into his neck and shoulders. Where did Lily get
off talking to him like that, anyway? Regulus was his, was always his, his to
do with as he damn well wanted.
Then Sirius made either a huge mistake, or perhaps it was the best decision of
his life: he didn't flip Regulus over onto his stomach, instead choosing to
keep him on his back so they were face to face. And there they stayed, chest to
chest and closer than close, Sirius still with a death grip on his brother,
like Regulus was trying to get away but it had been nearly a decade since he
last attempted to run.
Regulus was on his back and so Sirius could see his eyes. Panting slightly from
exertion, he paused what he was doing and looked directly to Regulus's face.
Regulus was crying. Pain, sadness, anger, frustration, it didn't matter. There
were slick tears gliding out of the corner of his eyes. Silently, of course,
because Regulus was always so very, very quiet, but they were there and Sirius
could see them.
And suddenly he was reminded painfully, almost forcefully, of that night so
many years ago. The night he had told Lily about; the night when Regulus hid
from him in the attic. Sirius was struck by how little his brother had changed
over the years. He was taller, yes, but only slightly wider, and his face was
exactly the same as it had been that night. That night the moon had shone
behind him and cast his face in shadow, but Sirius knew this was the look his
brother had worn.
You found me. You found me. I knew you would. Death for the deserter, death for
he who tries to run.
It was as if the words had been spoken out loud, and for a moment Sirius was
sickened that his brother would think he, Regulus, was the one prone to
desertion. Sirius leaned more heavily on his arms, taking his weight off
Regulus. He looked hard into Regulus's eyes, looked past the shimmering cover
of tears and saw again those six or seven little freckles flecked near the
irises. Sirius blinked hard, wondering why, still after all these years, he was
unable to say if his eyes matched his brother's or not. He had still never
looked.
A familiar yet long absent feeling spread outward from Sirius's very core. He
now held his eyes wide open. Regulus had not cried so hard during…had not cried
so much because of Sirius since he had dragged him down from the attic at
Grimmauld and back to his room.
Slowly, Sirius put one hand on the side of Regulus's face and felt him lean
into it. Slowly, he leaned closer and closer until his cheek rested against his
brother's, warm skin on skin. Slowly and slowly…
…and for once he pauses and really thinks.
end chapter three
/end final
Chapter End Notes
     This fic has been floating around the internet on FF.net, LJ, and
     InsaneJournal for a good decade now. I am honestly surprised that in
     all that time I've never received a single flame for it.
End Notes
     This story was a request for an LJ friend of mine who's name now
     escapes me, but the original prompt was: "Regulus lives. He, Lily,
     James, and Sirius all end up bunked together in a safe house. Peter
     is redeemed off screen. Remus makes no appearances. Lily and James
     are not together [please make James slashy and in denial], and while
     you're at it, can Sirius please be screwing his brother?"
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