Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1839664.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Major_Character_Death, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      EXO_(Band)
  Relationship:
      Kim_Minseok_|_Xiumin/Lu_Han
  Character:
      Kim_Minseok_|_Xiumin, Lu_Han
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-06-24 Words: 60170
****** Try To Remember (And If You Remember Then Follow) ******
by sparklepox_(travelingpsycho)
Summary
     "It's only fair that I should chase you across ten, twenty-five, a
     hundred lifetimes until I find the one where you'll return to me."
Notes
     Very loosely based on (and summary quoted from) this.
     Warnings: character death, brief suicidal thoughts (but no actual
     attempts at suicide), hallucinations, terminal illness, apocalyptic
     plague, homophobia, genderswitch (character was always female),
     prostitution, sex between underage characters
     Please note that most of these only occur in one small part of the
     fic and that characters who die don't exactly stay dead so it's not
     nearly as depressing as it sounds in the end.
     -
     -
"Is it possible that you could know someone before you even meet them? That you
could be born knowing them?"
--
"Don't forget me. Okay? I don't want to be forgotten."
 
1
They're professional soccer players, rivals on the field but friends off of it.
It's a friendship that lasts through victory and defeat, and across so many
countries they both lose track. They go a long time without seeing each other
sometimes, but when they do meet, it's always the same, chasing each other
during the game and laughing together when it's over.
Lu Han always eagerly anticipates the games against Minseok's team (no matter
what team he's on at the time). He loves soccer, so really he anticipates every
game, but these are the games where he's eager for the end, not just for the
chance to celebrate a victory, but because Minseok can be counted on to jog
over and fling himself into Lu Han's arms. They're always sweaty and
disgusting, and Lu Han's teammates tease him about it, sometimes with a little
bite, but he doesn't care because Minseok warm and solid in his arms feels more
right than anything else in the world.
He kisses Minseok in Barcelona, in Minseok's small but neat apartment with a
view of the beach, and he probably shouldn't be, but he's shocked all the same
when Minseok pushes him away.
"W-what are you doing?" he stammers, eyes wide.
"I like you," Lu Han says to his hands, even if maybe he should quit before he
digs himself into a deeper hole. He's started this, and it's been a long time
coming; he may as well finish it. "A lot." He swallows down his fear and
continues, "I love you, actually."
He chances a look up again, and at least Minseok doesn't look disgusted, but he
looks extremely uncomfortable as he says, "I'm sorry, I don't... I mean, I'm
not..." He trails off, biting his lip uncertainly, and runs a hand through his
dirty blond hair. (It doesn't suit him, but Lu Han thinks he looks great all
the same.) "Sorry."
"Forget it!" Lu Han forces himself to say, pasting a smile on his face like it
doesn't hurt. "It doesn't matter."
And maybe it doesn't, because they stay friends through the rest of their
careers and beyond, but it always hurts a little, and there are no more hugs
after that.
 
 
2
 
Lu Han looks nervously around the classroom as the teacher introduces him, the
new transfer student from China who's still learning Korean, so please take
care of him. (It's generous to call him anything more than a beginner. He
barely gets the gist of the teacher's speech, and his ability to carry on a
conversation is nearly nonexistent.) He fumbles through the introduction he
practiced last night in front of his parents (as if their Korean isn't even
worse than his), looking nervously around at the sea of unimpressed eyes, and
is relieved when the teacher tells him to sit down.
At lunch time, a few students take pity and try to talk to him, but they give
up quickly when it becomes apparent that he doesn't understand most of what
they're saying. He slumps in his seat when they leave, eating his sandwich in
silence and wishing he was back in Beijing.
Then, suddenly, someone is holding a cookie in front of him. He looks up in
surprise to see a boy smiling hesitantly at him, holding out the cookie in a
clear offer. Lu Han takes it with a mumbled thank you, and the boy sits back
down in the seat beside him. "Lu Han, right?" he asks, munching on a cookie of
his own. "I'm Minseok."
"Minseok," Lu Han repeats, and the boy laughs and corrects his pronunciation
without being mean about it. It takes a few tries, but he gets it well enough,
and then he tries to teach Minseok how to pronounce his name, which is more of
a challenge and soon has them both laughing even though all they're doing is
repeating "Lu Han" over and over.
That's how their friendship starts, and it continues through conversations
carried out half in hand gestures, through Korean movies with Chinese subtitles
and vice versa, and physical games that don't require speaking. Minseok's
friends seem a little perplexed by his friendship with Lu Han, but they accept
him into their group, and high school no longer seems like such a scary place.
 
Their relationship starts without words too, with Lu Han grabbing Minseok's
hand to pull him over to a store or pulling him close while they watch movies
on Minseok's bed. It's usually Lu Han initiating contact, but Minseok almost
always lets him, and when he leans in to Lu Han's side, it's clear that he
likes it too.
It seems only natural, the day Minseok has his head on Lu Han's shoulder while
they watch a terrible kung fu movie and he tilts his head just a little bit
over and up so that Lu Han can't help leaning down to kiss him. There's a
moment of hesitation, maybe, but it's brief, and then Minseok is turning to
face him and they kiss long and slow and deep, the movie forgotten behind them.
Kisses turn into touches, which turn into more, and they're not each other's
first kiss, but they're the first for everything else, and it doesn't take long
for Lu Han to fall hopelessly head over heels. They're curled up together one
day in Lu Han's bed (because Minseok has a nosy sister and a stay-at-home mom,
while both of Lu Han's parents work, usually late) when Lu Han murmurs, "I love
you," into Minseok's hair.
The seconds that follow his unplanned confession are the longest of Lu Han's
life so far, but then Minseok looks up at him with a crooked smile and says, "I
love you too," and Lu Han's heart feels so full it might burst with happiness.
 
It's another evening like that, a year later when university and the uncertain
future are looming big over every aspect of their lives, when Lu Han asks, "Do
you think we'll stay together forever?" They're dressed because they're at
Minseok's house today, but hiding their cuddling under blankets, and Lu Han is
rubbing his thumb along bare skin at Minseok's waist.
"I do," Minseok says without hesitation, and Lu Han's heart swells the way it
so often does when they're together. "Do you?"
"Without a doubt," Lu Han says, and doesn't care when Minseok laughs at him for
being cheesy because it's true.
 
(They don't. They break up five years later after Lu Han moves back to China
and distance and their inability to agree on what to do about it become too
much for them. Lu Han feels bereft, lost, and his friends reassure him that
it's not the end of the world, that he'll find someone better in time, but it's
hard to believe there is anyone better for him.)
 
3
 
When his manager introduces Lu Han to his new bodyguard, he is, understandably,
a little skeptical. He trusts that his manager wouldn't hire someone who wasn't
qualified, but the guy is shorter than him, with a slim build, and if he's got
muscles they're well-hidden under his jacket and slacks. He also looks like he
belongs in, at best, a high school classroom, though Lu Han knows a thing or
two about looking younger than you are.
"Uh, no offense..." he starts, but he's not really sure where to go with that.
His point must get across, though, because the bodyguard, Minseok, asks, "Do
you want to arm wrestle?"
Lu Han gives him a funny look because that's not at all the kind of response
he'd expect, but Minseok seems serious about it, so he shrugs and says, "Sure."
He wonders if Minseok is underestimating him; he may have a delicate image, but
he's hiding muscles of his own under his t-shirt and loose pants.
They sit at the table and fit their hands together. Minseok's hand is smaller
than his, and when he first starts to push, Lu Han is able to resist without
much trouble. He's just about to make a sarcastic comment when Minseok's grip
on his hand tightens, and the next thing he knows, the back of his hand is
hitting the table. Minseok smiles, a little hesitantly like he's not sure how a
famous idol will react to being soundly beaten at arm wrestling, but then Lu
Han starts to laugh and he relaxes.
"Point made," Lu Han says, getting to his feet and patting Minseok on the
shoulder.
 
From then on, Minseok is around nearly all the time, following Lu Han and his
entourage from photoshoot to performance to interview to practice room and all
the way back to the apartment he shares with his manager. It seems like
overkill to Lu Han, but he's not going to complain. His manager is nice but
twice his age, and the stylists are usually female and either middle-aged or
too starstruck to talk to him.
But Minseok is, as it turns out, the same age as him, and easy to talk to. Lu
Han asks so many questions that his manager scolds him half-jokingly for being
nosy, but once Lu Han makes it clear that he doesn't mind, Minseok asks him a
lot of questions back. They discuss soccer and singing and dancing and how a
boy from Beijing ended up becoming a solo artist in Korea, and food and family
and all manner of other things.
It doesn't change how busy and continuously exhausted he is, or the racist
remarks that get thrown at him with depressing regularity, or the pressure on
his shoulders or the reasons he needs a bodyguard in the first place. But it's
nice to feel like he has a friend around, even if said friend is paid to spend
time with him. "I'd spend time with you even when I'm not getting paid, if you
actually had any free time," Minseok jokes. "And if you didn't have other
cooler friends to spend that time with."
Lu Han laughs at that and slings an arm over his shoulders, even if he probably
shouldn't when they're in public and Minseok's supposed to be protecting him if
necessary. But nobody's ever actually tried to hurt him, or if they have
they've never gotten remotely close, so he can't be bothered to worry about it
too much. "You're cool enough for me," Lu Han says, and when Minseok grins in
response, he can't help the way his heart melts a little.
 
"Why did you decide to hire someone like Minseok?" Lu Han asks his manager at
one point. "I'm not complaining, but wouldn't a big, hulking bodyguard be a lot
more intimidating?"
"There are two reasons," his manager replies, with a speed that says he's given
this a lot of thought. "The first is to camouflage the fact that he is a
bodyguard, both to catch anyone who might want to hurt you off guard and to
keep the public from realizing."
Lu Han nods. He wouldn't have thought about it, but it makes sense. Then he
asks, "And the second reason?"
"Well, to be honest, I thought you might like having someone your age around.
Before, you seemed kind of...lonely." His manager is looking at him with that
fatherly look he sometimes gets, and Lu Han offers him a smile. Being alone is
something he's used to, as an only child and now as a solo act with little time
to see his friends, but he does get lonely easily. There's no question that
having Minseok around has made him happier.
 
To tell the truth, Lu Han likes having Minseok around a lot. He's funny and
interesting and they get along well, and he's pretty easy on the eyes too. He
keeps that last part to himself, because idols aren't supposed to date,
especially younger ones like him, and they're most definitely not supposed to
date men. But Lu Han knows where his preferences lie, even if he keeps quiet
about it, and he could just be projecting, but he thinks Minseok might be
interested too.
He thinks about it, but he has no intention of doing anything. He wouldn't want
to ruin the career he's worked so hard for, and besides, if he already needs a
bodyguard to protect him from crazy fans and anti-fans, he'd probably never be
able to leave the house if they found out he was gay and dating someone.
Someday, hopefully, that'll be a possibility, but for now, he'll have to be
satisfied with just having a friend.
 
The day it happens is just like any other day. Lu Han has recording in the
morning and a photoshoot and interview in the afternoon and dance practice in
the evening, and he's just heading home when a man bursts out from the usual
group of fans lurking outside the building. He's not too big, but he has a
knife and he's moving forward very quickly, and Lu Han freezes in shock.
But it seems Minseok is qualified to be a bodyguard based on more than just his
arm muscles because he jumps into action. Lu Han doesn't really follow what
happens, but somehow he gets the man's arm twisted behind his back, making him
drop the knife, and pins him to the ground until the police come and take him
away.
They give their statements and then Lu Han's manager drives both of them back
to his apartment. "I need to take care of some things, but I'll be back later,"
he says, leaving them at the door. To Minseok, he adds, "Please stay here until
I get back."
Then the door closes and they're left alone, and suddenly Lu Han breaks out of
the daze he's been in this whole time and realizes his heart is pounding, again
or still, he doesn't know. "I guess you really do need a bodyguard," Minseok
says as they go inside. He sounds shocked too, though not nearly as bad as Lu
Han feels.
"I really thought, for a second..." Lu Han says. His voice shakes.
"Hey, it's okay—" Minseok starts, but he doesn't get any farther because Lu Han
kisses him.
He knows it's a bad idea. He knows he shouldn't. But even if it's okay, even if
he's not hurt at all, he could've died today, and with that thought and the
adrenaline still pumping in his veins, a little word like "shouldn't" doesn't
seem so important anymore.
Minseok resists at first, pushes him away and holds him at arms' length, but he
doesn't say no. "What are you...?" he asks instead. "What if someone...?"
Lu Han steps back and pointedly deadbolts the door. "I was scared," he says.
"So we locked it to be safe."
Minseok stares at him, a million questions in his eyes. Lu Han thinks he sees
What are we doing? and Are you sure you want me?, but the only answer he gives
is to easily break out of Minseok's hold and lean in to kiss him again.
They kiss hard, a little bit rough and desperate, and it's not long before Lu
Han finds himself wanting more. He tugs at Minseok's jacket, and Minseok
obligingly pulls it off. His shirt soon follows, leaving him in only a thin
tank top. Lu Han's only wearing a t-shirt (and he remembers too late that he's
probably kind of gross after a long dance practice), and that comes off easily
enough.
The move into Lu Han's bedroom, losing their pants and tumbling onto the bed in
only their underwear. It's all very fast, but Lu Han likes the way his heart is
pounding now, and he doesn't see Minseok objecting. They're pressed up against
each other, and Lu Han slides his leg between Minseok's and relishes the way he
moans.
It's not until they're both naked that there's any hesitation. "What do you
want to do?" Minseok asks. His voice is rough and breathy and Lu Han wants to
hear more of it, wants to know what else he can sound like.
"I don't have anything," he reluctantly admits, which is kind of embarrassing
for a guy his age but probably not so surprising, all things considered.
"Me neither," Minseok says. "That's okay." He pulls Lu Han down against him and
rolls them onto their sides, and then he gets a hand between them and Lu Han
gasps when Minseok touches him. He breathes out a curse, in Mandarin without
thinking about it, and Minseok chuckles and says, "I don't know what that
means, but I'm guessing it's good."
It is good, kissing messily as Minseok touches him in quick, sure strokes,
drinking down his moans. His hips jerk forward unconsciously and Minseok groans
as Lu Han's body moves against his erection, so he does it again, wrapping an
arm around Minseok's back to pull him closer.
It's rushed, but Lu Han doesn't care, pushing into Minseok's touch until he
comes, biting back a cry. Then he goes to touch Minseok, and it doesn't take
much to have him coming too, his moan muffled by Lu Han's mouth.
Lu Han rolls onto his back, Minseok half on top of him, and for long few
seconds, they just lie there, breathing hard. Then Minseok sits up, looking
down at Lu Han. "What just happened?" he asks. Lu Han's not sure how to read
his expression, but maybe disbelieving.
"Well..." There's come on Minseok's stomach and Lu Han touches his fingers to
it, making Minseok wrinkle his nose in distaste. Lu Han has to laugh at his
expression. "It was good, wasn't it?" he asks.
"Yes, but...you're an idol," Minseok says, gesturing at Lu Han even though he
doesn't look very idol-like at all right now.
"Despite what fans like to think," Lu Han says dryly, "idols have sex too."
"That's not what I mean," Minseok continues, sounding more exasperated now.
"You're famous and you're..." Another gesture, as if that'll explain what he's
thinking.
"And you're hot," Lu Han shoots back, and he laughs again at the incredulous
look Minseok gives him. "I know it's kind of sudden, but you know, I like you.
It doesn't matter if you're famous or not."
That makes Minseok look embarrassed, and Lu Han is a little bit too because
feelings aren't his strong suit, so he'd glad when Minseok hurries him into the
shower. They wash quickly, dry their hair and get dressed, settling on the
couch in the living room to wait for Lu Han's manager to come back.
They only have to wait about ten minutes, and Minseok shoots Lu Han an "I told
you so" look when they hear the key in the lock. Lu Han gets up to undo the
deadbolt and let his manager in. Once he's in, he asks them to sit down so they
can talk.
Lu Han's expecting an update on the situation, but he's definitely not
expecting, "I have to confess something to both of you. That attack today was
actually a set up."
"What?" Lu Han and Minseok ask almost in unison.
"That man was an actor who I hired to stage an attack. He wouldn't really have
hurt you, even if Minseok hadn't been able to stop him."
"I'm sorry, what?" Lu Han asks again, trying to wrap his head around what he's
hearing. "Why would you do that?"
His manager frowns, looking uncomfortable. Lu Han is lost. "Well, the truth is,
there's been a lot of...speculation happening, recently. As I told you before,
we hired Minseok in part because he doesn't look like a bodyguard, but the
problem with that plan is that it meant people started looking for other
explanations about who this guy hanging around you all the time was."
"Oh," Lu Han says as understanding hits him.
"Wait, what?" Minseok asks, frowning at Lu Han.
"They thought you were my boyfriend," Lu Han explains without meeting his eyes.
He doesn't trust his expression not to betray him. "Right?" he asks his
manager.
"Right. We'd hoped the rumors would die down after a while, but they only got
worse as you two became more obviously close."
"So you decided to have a fake attack on me? Why not just fire Minseok? I mean,
not that I want you to," he adds hurriedly, "but wouldn't that be a lot
simpler?"
"It would. But, well...we didn't want to do that except as a last resort." He
looks at Lu Han, who remembers their conversation about Minseok making him
happy and can't help feeling guilty to have repaid his manager's concern by
doing something he's really not supposed to. "And then we'd probably have to
deal with speculation that you broke up with your boyfriend," his manager
quickly continues, barreling over their awkward moment.
"Thanks," Lu Han says anyway, and Minseok nods his agreement.
"Now, let me be clear," his manager continues. "If this doesn't work, then
that's it. Lu Han's reputation comes first. But the initial response seems to
be in line with what we'd hoped for, so it looks like we'll be able to keep
Minseok on for now. If you want to stay, that is," he adds as an afterthought.
"Of course," Minseok says, and Lu Han can't help smiling.
 
I don't think that plan went quite how it was supposed to, Minseok texts him
later, after he goes home.
I think it went okay, Lu Han replies.
 
It's almost two weeks before they're alone again, passing some midday downtime
while Lu Han's manager goes to a meeting. Lu Han doesn't know what to expect,
but he knows what he wants, and he's relieved when he meets Minseok's eyes and
sees the same uncertain want in them. "I wasn't sure," Lu Han tells him, "if
you were interested or if it was a one-time thing."
"I was sure you weren't interested," Minseok sheepishly admits.
"That's dumb," Lu Han says. "I said I like you."
Minseok laughs, but he looks happy. "I don't understand you."
"That's okay," Lu Han says, and then kisses him.
They have an hour and a half until Lu Han's manager is due back, but they waste
no time. This time Minseok is prepared and they can do everything they want,
reducing Lu Han to a writhing mess on the sheets. It's still a little too
rushed, but Minseok kisses him more gently in the shower after and Lu Han feels
happy.
 
And that's how it goes, a stolen kiss here and there, quick and dirty bathroom
handjobs, and sex when there's time and Lu Han's manager is gone from the
apartment he theoretically shares with Lu Han. It's not exactly Lu Han's dream
relationship, but he knows he's lucky to have this much right now, and at least
he still has Minseok around a lot, even if they have to keep their hands off
each other when anyone else is around. All things considered, he's happy.
Minseok seems happy too, and that makes Lu Han feel good. Even if Minseok can
never seem to understand why, Lu Han likes him a lot, and he likes that Minseok
likes him back. (Maybe Lu Han even loves him, but it's too soon to be sure of
that, and way too soon to admit it.)
"I still don't understand you," Minseok often tells him. "You're a famous idol
and half of Korea and most of China is in love with you, so you could have
anyone. I'm nothing special."
But you are, Lu Han wants to say, but that's embarrassing, so he just says,
"But I want you," and kisses Minseok so he can't say anything more, and Minseok
always kisses him back.
 
And then one morning, Lu Han wakes up to a sharp knock on his bedroom door.
"What?" he mumbles, rubbing his eyes as if that'll make up for not sleeping
enough. "Is it time to get up?"
"Can I come in?" It's his manager's voice, and he doesn't sound happy.
"Yeah," Lu Han says. He struggles into a sitting position, running a hand
through his messy hair as the door opens. His manager is frowning, which is
never a good sign. "What's wrong?" Lu Han asks.
His manager is holding a laptop, and he puts it down in front of Lu Han.
There's a website open, and Lu Han's mouth goes dry as he sees the pictures on
it. They're of him and Minseok, and it looks like there are a lot of them. He
scrolls down, half reading the text speculating on their relationship. "Wow,
that's a lot," he says. "But...it's nothing new, is it?" He tries to keep his
voice steady, but his manager can probably see right through him.
"The rumors died down, for a while," his manager says, "but this website went
live yesterday and they've got a lot on there. There's nothing really
incriminating, nothing we can't deny, but the speculation is already
exploding."
"Can't you do something to keep it quiet? It worked last time..." He knows it's
a long shot, knows where this is probably going, but he's desperate to keep it
from happening.
"It worked once," his manager says flatly. "It won't work a second time. You
know that."
"But..."
"I'm sorry." He does look genuinely sorry, but that doesn't make Lu Han feel
any better about what comes next. "I'm going to call Minseok and tell him not
to come in again. We've already let this go too far, but if we make a clean
break now, hopefully it won't have a significant effect on you."
You say that like never seeing Minseok again won't have an effect on me, Lu Han
thinks bitterly, but of course that's not what his manager means; his career is
all that matters.
"Get ready for work," his manager continues. "You have dance practice in an
hour. I'll see about getting a temporary bodyguard until we can find a good
replacement." He hesitates for a moment before continuing, "Look, I know you
and Minseok...have gotten really close. I'm sorry it has to be this way, but
you need to stay away. You can't risk giving the media anything further. Don't
contact him again."
"I know," Lu Han says, because there's nothing else he can say. "I won't."
 
The man who comes in to replace Minseok has at least fifteen years and fifty
pounds on Lu Han, and a face that assures no one will ever suspect him of being
Lu Han's boyfriend. He doesn't say much after a brief introduction, just stands
stiffly by the door while Lu Han practices.
Lu Han tries his best to focus on the new choreography he's supposed to be
learning, but it's hard. Just yesterday, he was so happy, and today he's facing
the very real possibility that he'll never see Minseok again. He's sacrificed a
lot for his dream of being an idol, left his family and friends and home
country, but this hurts the worst because he has no say in it at all, no chance
to say his goodbyes and make peace with it.
He can visit his parents in China and talk to his friends when he misses them,
but he's supposed to cut off all contact with Minseok now. He knew when he
signed up that being an idol meant putting a lot of things, including a chance
at love, aside. He just never realized until now, until he actually found
someone he wanted to be with and maybe does love, how hard that could be.
For three days, he behaves himself, doesn't contact Minseok and does his best
not to think about him at all. Then his manager goes out one night, leaving Lu
Han alone in their apartment with his phone and his thoughts, and he can't help
dialing Minseok's number.
The phone rings four times and he thinks Minseok won't answer, but then he
hears, "I'm not supposed to talk to you anymore."
He's not prepared for the wave of emotion that hits him at the sound of
Minseok's voice. "I know," he says, and his own voice wavers before he catches
himself. "But just this once? I needed to talk to you one more time, to say
goodbye."
"I don't think your manager will like that," Minseok says.
"He's not here," Lu Han says. "And he can deal with it." He sounds like a
petulant child, but he doesn't care.
Minseok laughs, just a little, softly. "Okay." Then, "This sucks. I mean, I
knew this would happen if we ever got caught, but we didn't even do that. And
it would suck even if we had."
"Yeah," Lu Han agrees. "I'm really sorry."
"It's not your fault," Minseok says immediately.
"Isn't it? I mean, it's not your reputation that we're trying to protect."
There's a long silence. Minseok sighs heavily. "I guess. But it's not your
fault people would make a big deal if they knew. Anyway, we don't need to talk
about that."
"Yeah," Lu Han says, but he doesn't know what else to talk about. What do you
say when you know it'll be your last time talking to someone? "I just... I
really..." He's never been good with words, and now they fail him completely.
"Thank you," he finally manages. "Being with you...I was really happy."
"Me too," Minseok says softly. "I still don't know what the hell a guy like you
was doing with me, but I was happy."
"And you're still an idiot," Lu Han tells him, because even if Minseok can't
see it, Lu Han's the lucky one here.
"I guess I am," Minseok says. There's silence again, and then he continues,
"Let's not do some big, sappy goodbye. That's not my style and I don't think
it's yours either."
"No, it's not," Lu Han agrees, but he doesn't want to end this conversation.
He's not ready to let go yet.
"Good luck," Minseok says. "With everything. I'm sure you'll be great. Greater
than you already are."
"And you?" Lu Han asks, meaning 'will you be okay?'
"I'll be great too," Minseok says, surprising a laugh out of Lu Han. "Don't
worry about me."
"Mmm." There's silence again, and Lu Han doesn't know what to say, but he can't
bring himself to hang up.
"Look," Minseok finally says, "it's not going to suck any less if we drag this
out. Just, take care of yourself, okay?"
"I will," Lu Han says. His voice sounds hollow. "You too."
"Who knows?" Minseok says. "Maybe we'll meet again someday." The lightness in
his voice is forced, but Lu Han pretends not to notice.
"So let's not say goodbye," Lu Han says. "See you."
"See you." The line goes dead, and Lu Han is left holding his phone in silence.
He wants to do a lot of things, to scream or curse or cry or throw something,
but he doesn't. He just sits there quietly with his phone in his hand, trying
to memorize the sound of Minseok's voice so he'll never forget it.
When his manager comes back an hour later and finds Lu Han sitting on the
couch, he takes one look at him and sighs his 'Why are you so troublesome?'
sigh. "I told you no more contact," he says, with a resigned air that tells Lu
Han he knew it would happen.
"I just had to say goodbye," Lu Han tells him. "I'm done now."
His manager fixes him with a long, measuring look before he says, "It's worth
it. It'll be worth it."
"I hope so," is all Lu Han says.
 
His reputation survives the attempt at causing a scandal, and his rise
continues and he is happy, usually, even if he's a little lonely. Five years
later, when it doesn't really hurt anymore, he looks Minseok up online and
finds a website for a small cafe, with a picture of a beaming Minseok with a
woman and a baby. That does hurt a little, maybe, but he looks so happy, and Lu
Han can't fault him for moving on.
For his part, Lu Han comes out at the age of forty to a surprisingly mild
reaction mostly consisting of people saying, "Didn't we know that already?"
It's amazing how much better he feels after that, like he's been lugging a
weight around for more than half his life and suddenly it's been lifted from
his shoulders. He even finds someone to settle down with, at the ripe old age
of forty-two, and it's good, even though it took a long time. Then, maybe, he
can finally let go.
 
 
4
 
There's a burst of gunfire, terrifyingly close, and Lu Han panics and pulls the
trigger on his own gun, firing into the smoky dimness. He hears a faint cry and
then a thump and runs forward to see an enemy soldier on the ground, blood
spreading quickly on his chest where Lu Han's bullet hit him.
He stares in horror at the man. It's not the first time he's shot someone, but
never up close. This man may be the enemy, but he doesn't look evil or
dangerous. He looks very, very young, far too young to be involved in a war.
(Lu Han is too young to be involved in a war too. Maybe no one is ever old
enough for fire and fear and death and blood on their hands.) He looks scared
and in pain, and guilt twists in Lu Han's chest.
The blood is spreading fast; there's no way he's going to make it, even if help
comes. He mumbles something in Korean, and when Lu Han looks at him blankly, he
says in Mandarin, "Cold." His eyes are pleading, and so painfully young.
Lu Han is rooting around in his pack for his blanket so he doesn't see the
moment the man's life leaves him, but he does see the way he looks after, eyes
gone glassy and blank, and he stares at him, unable to tear his gaze away,
until one of his own comrades chances by and pulls him away from the body.
Lu Han makes it out of the war alive, and lives for so long that he feels
guilty about it. He remembers friends, comrades that he lost, but that image
above everything else haunts him for the rest of his life.
 
 
5
 
His name is Brian Lu, unofficially after his family moves to California when
he's four years old, and officially once he turns eighteen and is sick of
saying "Please call me Brian" every time a teacher calls roll.
The couple next door has Korean names that his parents can't pronounce, but
their son is named Alex and their daughter Sarah, with Korean middle names to
distinguish them from all the other Alex and Sarah Kims out there. Alex is the
same age as Brian, and they play together all the time, even though all Brian
can say in English is "hello," "goodbye," and "No English." But he learns
quickly, as only a young child can, and soon they're communicating without any
trouble.
They go to the same elementary school and play together at recess, and Brian
always feels good when he tells someone that Alex is his best friend. They play
together after school too, out in the street or in the backyard when their
parents yell at them, one set in Korean and the other in Mandarin. (Brian
learns how to say "Come inside" and "Put on a sweatshirt" and "Did you do your
homework?" in Korean, repeating them to Alex and making him laugh.)
They're inseparable, playing on the same youth soccer teams and taking piano
lessons from the same teacher (and hiding away together to avoid practicing),
doing their homework together and eating dinner at each other's houses at least
once a week. They fight occasionally, over stupid little things, but they never
last more than a day without making up.
As long as Alex is there, Brian never feels alone. He's shy, at first, not
managing to make other friends, but he doesn't need anyone else. As they get
older, they do make other friends, good friends, but nobody ever quite manages
to penetrate the inner circle that's only them. No one else will ever be his
best friend.
 
Brian kisses Alex for the first time when they're ten and neither of them
understands what it means. "Why did you do that?" Alex asks, and Brian can only
shrug.
"It's supposed to be nice, right?" he says. "Kissing."
"Aren't you supposed to kiss girls?" Alex asks, brows knitting in confusion.
"Probably," Brian agrees, but even though he's only ten, he already thinks he'd
rather kiss Alex than any girl.
By the time they're fifteen, Brian has kissed three girls and he's quite sure
that he'd rather kiss Alex than any of them. Alex has kissed two girls, and
he's the one this time to lean in slowly and press his lips to Brian's. "Is it
okay?" he asks in a low voice, shy, and Brian nods, eyes wide because it feels
like a big thing, exciting and scary at the same time.
But it's good, and they keep kissing each other whenever they can catch a
moment alone, shy pecks at first and more once they get brave. They never
really talk about it, don't give their relationship or their feelings or their
sexuality a name, but they both know, so there's no need.
Sarah catches them one night, not quite in the act but with suspiciously
swollen lips and messy hair, but she just makes a face and says, "Not in front
of me, please." She keeps their secret, and no one else finds out. It's a
little lonely, maybe, when their friends talk about their crushes on girls and
even find themselves girlfriends, but Brian is still never really lonely as
long as he has Alex. His friends can talk about girls to their hearts' content;
he already has the person he wants.
 
Brian gets worried when their senior year rolls around and the time comes for
college applications. He's been with Alex since kindergarten. What will he do
if they end up at different colleges? "Let's just worry about getting into good
schools first," says Alex, whose parents are driving him crazy with pressure to
get into a good university and find scholarships to pay for it. Brian's are
just as bad, maybe even worse because he's their only child, but he still can't
help thinking that he'd choose Alex over a good university any day.
After long months of stress, they both get into UCLA, and Brian is so happy
that he picks Alex up and spins him around until he demands to be put down.
Then he kisses him, and then he says, "I love you," and Alex's smile freezes on
his face.
"You...really?" he asks, and Brian wishes he could take it back even though
it's the truth.
"It's not a big deal," he says quickly. "Forget I said anything."
"No, I..." Alex starts, holding Brian's arms so he can't run away like he wants
to. "I...me too. I love you too."
Brian smiles so wide his cheeks hurt, and then he kisses Alex again and thinks
that this is the best day of his life.
 
In university, they end up in different majors and different dorms, but that
doesn't stop them from spending most of their free time together. Brian's
roommate is a devout Christian who makes him a little nervous for a lot of
reasons and definitely wouldn't approve of their relationship, but Alex's is a
walking stereotype of an art student who takes one look at the two of them
sitting on Alex's bed, just talking, and asks, "Should I go have an extra-long
dinner so you can have some time alone?" They both stare at him, a little
panicked, but he laughs and says, "It's cool. I won't tell anyone if you don't
want me to."
In time, they learn that college is different from high school, that there are
a lot of people here who don't think it's weird that they don't want to pick up
girls in parties, or anywhere else, because they're much happier with each
other. Not everyone is like that, of course, but enough for them to get more
comfortable.
Maybe they get a little too comfortable, because over winter break in their
junior year, Alex's mom walks in on the two of them. They're not even doing
anything, really, but Alex is leaning back on Brian's chest with their linked
hands resting on his stomach and there's no way to pass it off as anything but
what it is.
Alex's mom says something sharp in Korean. It's not one of her usual phrases so
Brian doesn't understand it, but Alex flinches and sits up, pulling his hand
away. His mom says something else and then he says, "You should go," voice low
and tight, without turning around.
Brian doesn't want to go, but there's no room for argument in that tone, or in
the glare Alex's mother is turning on him. She's always loved him until now
(except for the one time he talked Alex into ditching school to play soccer).
It hurts to see her looking at him like that, though not as much as it hurts
that Alex won't look at him at all. "Okay," he says, and he feels like he
should say sorry, but he's not, not one bit. He's only sorry that they got
caught.
He locks himself in his room and tries not to think for three hours until his
phone finally beeps with a text. He finds Alex on the playground of their old
elementary school, sitting on one of the swings. Brian sits next to him,
frowning at the way Alex still won't look at him even though they're alone.
There's probably a question to be asked, but he's afraid to ask it, so he just
sits and waits, trying to ignore the feeling of dread building in his stomach.
"We can't...do this anymore," Alex says. His voice still sounds flat, dead, and
Brian wants to give him a hug, but that won't help now. "I'm sorry. I thought I
didn't care what my parents thought, but I guess I do." He sighs heavily.
"They've done so much for me and I can't disappoint them."
"You're not—" Brian starts, but what can he say? He's sure Alex's mother is
disappointed in him, even if she shouldn't be, and his parents would probably
feel the same if they knew. It's no small thing to defy the expectations of the
parents who worked so hard to give them good lives.
"I'm really sorry," Alex says again. "I do..." He doesn't finish, but Brian
knows what he means. "But some things are even more important, you know? I
can't let them down." Another sigh. "We probably should've known that it would
come to this, sooner or later. They were never going to accept us."
"You never know," Brian argues, but really, they do. Maybe in time, their
parents will change their minds, but it's too much to ask for Alex to wait for
that uncertain possibility.
"I do know. I'm sorry. I just can't do it."
Brian doesn't know what to say when it feels like his heart is being ripped out
of his chest, so he just says, "Oh."
"We can still be friends?" Alex says, half a question. "My mom won't like it,
but I can't imagine not being friends with you."
It's going to hurt, he knows, being just friends after they've been and still
want to be so much more, but if that's all he can get, he'll take it. He's been
friends with Alex for too long to let a little thing like a broken heart get in
the way. "Yeah," he says, and he tries to sound convincing but mostly just
sounds hollow. "We can be friends."
 
They do stay friends, somehow, and three years later, Brian is the best man at
Alex's wedding to a nice Hispanic girl, even though Alex awkwardly tells him
that he doesn't have to do it. Alex's parents aren't thrilled with his choice,
and a part of Brian smugly thinks, Serves you right, but mostly he just feels
sad. He wants to hate the girl, but she really is nice, and smart and funny and
clearly very fond of Alex, and besides, if he wants to keep his friend, he's
stuck with her. So he swallows down his jealousy and smiles and tries to tell
himself that this is for the best.
He finally gives in to his mother's nagging and gets married himself four years
after that, to a Chinese girl from his almost-forgotten hometown. She's pretty
and sweet and he does like her, and he thinks that maybe if he tries hard
enough he'll be able to love her someday.
(He never quite manages it, even though he says he does. They're not unhappy,
but he can't help thinking that maybe there's only ever been one person he
could love.)
 
 
6
 
The first time Lu Han walks past the house (and the second and third and
fourth), he has his headphones in with the volume turned up on his music so he
doesn't hear the piano music coming from inside. The fifth time he's on the
phone, focusing hard on carrying on a conversation in Korean, so he hears the
music but doesn't pay attention.
The sixth time, finally, he notices, but he doesn't think much of it. He
doesn't have anything against classical music or piano, but he's more
interested in pop. If DBSK sings a song with piano in it, he'll enjoy it, but
he rarely listens to piano on its own. He absently thinks that it sounds nice,
because he likes music in general enough to appreciate that, but he continues
on his way and quickly forgets about it.
He always walks past that house on his way to school, and usually at the same
time, and eventually he notices, even with his headphones in, that there is,
without fail, always the sound of piano music coming from inside when he's on
his way to class. Curious, he pops one earbud out for as long as the piano is
audible, day after day until he starts to recognize the handful of pieces the
player is always practicing.
He finds himself wondering what the person playing is like. It's midmorning, so
likely not a kid, but other than that, the possibilities are endless. He
envisions a sophisticated woman a few years older than him, with short but
perfectly-manicured nails and heels on so she can practice the same way she
performs, or an older man with greying hair but strong arms. Someone dignified
and well put together, sitting up straight on the piano bench and focusing on
the music with sharp eyes.
And then one day as spring starts to warm up into summer, he sees a boy sitting
on a bench in front of the silent house. He looks like a high school student,
maybe even junior high, wearing what might be a school uniform, slacks and a
white dress shirt. It should be a school day, but maybe there's a holiday Lu
Han doesn't know about, or maybe he's skipping. It doesn't occur to him that
this might be the mysterious piano player until he notices, belatedly, that
there's no music coming from inside today.
He stops, surprised, because this is the first time in the weeks since he
started paying attention that no one is playing. The boy notices after a moment
and gives him a curious look, and Lu Han freezes awkwardly, wondering how to
explain himself. "I, uh..." he starts. Maybe he'd be better off just continuing
on his way without saying anything, but it's too late now. "I walk past here a
lot," he explains. "There's always someone playing piano."
"Oh," says the boy, smiling a little, almost sheepish. "I slammed my fingers in
a door yesterday and they kind of hurt, so I'm taking a break. But I should get
back soon or my teacher will yell at me for not practicing enough."
"Oh, it's you?" Lu Han asks, realizing too late that it's probably not very
polite to sound so surprised. It's just that this young boy is not the kind of
person who he would expect to be playing so smoothly, or to be practicing so
consistently every single day.
"What were you expecting?" Thankfully, the boy sounds more amused than anything
else.
"I thought it would be an adult, at least," Lu Han says.
That gets a laugh. "I am an adult," the boy says, and Lu Han recognizes the
resigned air of someone used to being thought of as younger than they are.
"More or less, anyway. I'm twenty."
"Oh, the same age as me." He still can't see it, but there's no reason to think
the boy (man?) is lying to him. "Sorry." Then, "You play really well." He's not
sure why he says it because it's not like he knows enough to judge, but if this
guy is getting him to listen to music he wouldn't otherwise, he can't be too
bad.
"Thank you," the boy says. "I didn't think anyone was even listening." He
flashes Lu Han a smile, a little crooked, but bright and genuine. "I should get
back to work, and don't you have somewhere to be?"
Lu Han looks at his watch and winces. He'll have to hurry now. "Yeah. I'll see
you."
"Maybe you will," the boy says lightly, waving him off, and it's not until Lu
Han's turned the corner that he realizes he didn't even get his name.
 
The piano music is back the next time Lu Han passes, and he almost wants to
stop and say hi, but he'd feel weird knocking on the door when they only talked
once for a minute or two, so he continues on his way. It's like that for the
rest of the week, and the following Monday, but on Tuesday, there's quiet again
and the piano player is sitting on the bench with his eyes closed, soaking in
the sun.
Lu Han stops and says, "Hello again."
The boy's eyes open and he squints a little against the light. "Hey," he says.
"I was wondering if you'd be by before I had to go back inside."
"You were waiting for me?" Lu Han asks.
"Not waiting. Just taking a break and wondering if I might have any company."
He seems a little amused at Lu Han's expense, so he doesn't mention how he's
been leaving a little early for class so he'd have time to talk if the
opportunity arose.
"Well, looks like you do," he says instead. "I'm Lu Han, by the way."
"Lu Han," the boy echoes. "Kim Minseok. Nice to meet you properly."
"Nice to meet you," Lu Han responds immediately, the formality drilled into him
by hours of introductory Korean class.
It turns out that Minseok is a university student too, but his major is music
performance, so he spends hours and hours at the piano instead of slogging
through Korean literature or trying to remember the right ways to talk to
people in Korean without insulting them. "University isn't really necessary to
be a performer," Minseok explains, "but my parents insisted, and I guess it's
good, even if I don't have much time for the fun parts."
Lu Han would be happy to talk longer, but class awaits, so he reluctantly says
goodbye. Just before he leaves, Minseok says, "Hey, if you ever feel like it,
you can knock on the door and say hi. I'm usually the only one home and I could
use a little break."
"Okay, I will," Lu Han says, and grins at him without knowing why.
 
It starts to become a habit, leaving for class ten or fifteen minutes early and
stopping by to talk to Minseok, and he has to laugh when he catches himself
smiling at the sound of piano music over the speakers in a grocery store. He
tells Minseok about it the next day, and he laughs too and says, "I'll make you
a fan of real music yet."
(Lu Han doesn't take it too seriously because Minseok admitted the week before
that he's a DBSK fan too, and if piano hadn't grabbed him so early in life, he
might have wanted to be an idol like them.)
After a few weeks, Lu Han starts leaving earlier and watching Minseok play for
ten or fifteen minutes before he takes a break. He's still not sure how much he
cares about piano music, but he's fascinated by the sight of Minseok playing.
There's an intensity to him, his eyes flitting between the music and his hands,
strong arms and hands getting into the keys to draw out the fullest sound. His
fingers dance over the keys, rarely landing wrong (or if they do, Lu Han
doesn't notice unless he stops or makes a face).
"It's weird practicing with you watching," Minseok tells him. "Only my piano
teacher does that, and he's a little scary. And my mom used to, but not since I
was little."
"I won't if you don't want me to," Lu Han says quickly, but Minseok shakes his
head.
"I don't mind, if you want to do it. It's kind of nice, having an audience."
So he keeps watching and then chatting with Minseok after. He learns the names
of the pieces Minseok is working on, and interesting details about them. He
learns that Minseok started playing at age four, almost quit at age fourteen,
and then decided that he really did want to do this with his life. And he tells
Minseok about his studies and his friends and how he ended up in Seoul. They
never talk for more than fifteen or twenty minutes at a time, but it adds up
after a while, and it feels like he and Minseok have known each other for much
longer than they really have.
 
Some two months after their first meeting, Lu Han knocks on the door like he
always does, but no one answers. There's no sound of piano playing from inside,
and no sign of Minseok on the bench out front. He knocks again, louder, but
still nothing, and he frowns. He was just here yesterday; surely Minseok
would've mentioned if he wasn't going to be home the next morning.
He doesn't have Minseok's phone number or e-mail or anything, since he's always
just been able to find him here, so there's nothing he can do. He waits around
for a few minutes until he starts worrying that he looks creepy waiting in
front of the house, at which point he gives up and heads to class early.
He stops for coffee, but he's still fifteen minutes early, and Yixing looks at
him in surprise as he sits down. "Here already? You always come in at the last
second lately. Did piano boy kick you out?"
"He wasn't there," Lu Han says. "I knocked a few times but he didn't answer."
"Don't look so sad," Yixing says, nudging him with his shoulder. "I'm sure
he'll be back tomorrow."
Lu Han tries not to worry and mostly succeeds since class and then homework and
then friends demand his attention, but he's still extremely relieved the next
day when he can hear the sound of the piano as he approaches Minseok's house.
He knocks on the door and Minseok opens it right away.
"Hey," he says, stepping back to let Lu Han in. "Sorry about yesterday.
Something came up and then I realized I didn't know how to get in touch with
you. You should probably give me your number so that won't happen again."
They exchange numbers, but it's not necessary since Minseok is there every day.
Lu Han becomes so used to the routine that he doesn't quite know what to do
with himself when classes end. "You can still come over, if you want," Minseok
says, "but I won't be offended if you need to study instead."
In the end, Lu Han brings his books over and studies on the couch while Minseok
practices. Maybe it should be awkward because he's never been here for more
than forty-five minutes and never gone out of his way to come over, but it
feels comfortable, letting the music wash over him as he drills Korean verbs
and taking breaks when his head feels too full or Minseok needs to rest his
hands.
He stays for nearly four hours before Minseok says, "I hate to kick you out,
but I have a lesson soon, and I know my teacher won't like you hanging around."
Lu Han leaves with a promise to come back the next day, but he wakes up to a
text saying, Sorry, I've got some stuff to take care of today and tomorrow.
Maybe Thursday if you have time.
But Lu Han has his exams, and then a month back in Beijing. He and Minseok
exchange e-mails, but it's not the same without the now-familiar sound of
Minseok's grand piano, or without his bright smile and those too-flattering
dress shirts that he seems to live in, which recently have been rolled up to
reveal more of his arms, and oh, Lu Han suddenly realizes, maybe he should've
read more into his fascination with watching Minseok play than he has until
now.
It doesn't shock him, really. It feels almost like a natural progression, like
why wouldn't he be in love with Minseok? (Love? But even with that word
attached, it's not a shock.) He's been so interested in him, drawn to him in a
way he isn't to his other friends. And besides, he thinks Minseok is pretty
amazing; who wouldn't fall for him? He doesn't know what to do with this
revelation yet, but it's not hard to accept it.
 
Minseok looks tired when Lu Han sees him for the first time after he comes back
from Beijing. "I have a big recital next month," he says, and he looks excited
despite the dark circles under his eyes.
Lu Han is excited too at the prospect of seeing Minseok perform for the first
time. If he's this mesmerizing when he's just practicing, what will he be like
when he's really serious? Besides, Minseok's enthusiasm is contagious and Lu
Han can't help getting caught up in it.
Minseok is visibly nervous too, practicing with increased fervor. "I've been
preparing for this for so long," he says. "I have to do my best."
Lu Han thinks he sounds perfect already, but what does he know? He sticks to
saying encouraging things when Minseok takes a break and keeping quiet the rest
of the time. He spends a lot of that time thinking about what he figured out
while he was away and wondering what to do about it. He does want to tell
Minseok, but now doesn't seem to be the time to distract him. After the
recital, he thinks. That'll be the time to make his confession.
School hasn't started up again yet, so he has nowhere else to be, and he hangs
around for four hours that day and three the next, until Minseok says, "I need
to work on some problem sections, so you should probably go or you'll get
really sick of me playing the same parts over and over again."
Lu Han doesn't really mind, but Minseok looks even more tired today and he
can't miss the hint. "Okay," he says. "I've got lots of free time this week, so
just text me when you want company." That seems better, so he doesn't worry
that he's annoying Minseok.
"Of course," Minseok says, and even if he's trying to get rid of Lu Han now, he
seems to mean it. "I'll see you soon."
 
Lu Han is fully expecting to hear from Minseok the next day, but he doesn't, or
the next. He sends a text of his own, a noncommittal Keep working hard! I can't
wait to see your recital!, but gets no reply, not even a token emoticon. It's
not like Minseok, however busy he is, to ignore his messages, and Lu Han finds
himself worrying even though it's only been a short time.
He doesn't usually go to Minseok's house on the weekends, but he sends a few
more texts, some silly things about his day that don't really require replies,
and finally, on Sunday night, Where are you? Is everything okay?
His phone stays dark until he goes to bed, and there are no texts or missed
calls in the morning. Lu Han frowns at his phone like it's at fault for
Minseok's lack of response. He waits until mid-morning, the time when he'd
usually go see Minseok, and then tries to call, but the phone goes right to
voicemail, like it's not even on. "Hi," he says uncertainly. "Sorry to pester
you, but it makes me worried that I haven't heard from you at all. Are you
okay?"
When that still gets no response, he decides to go by Minseok's house in the
afternoon. He can't hear the piano, and no one answers the door when he knocks.
I'm standing creepily outside your house, he texts Minseok along with a winking
emoticon. Where are you? But that goes unanswered too, and after fifteen
minutes he gives up and goes home.
He comes back the next day, against his better judgment, and the house is still
silent, but when Lu Han knocks on the door, it opens. He has only a second to
feel relieved before he sees that it's not Minseok at the door but an older
woman who looks enough like him that she must be his mother. "Hello," she says
politely. "Can I help you?"
"I'm looking for Minseok," Lu Han says. He doesn't know how to explain himself.
'I come watch him practice when no one else is home?' "My name is Lu Han. I
tried to call but he didn't answer and I was in the neighborhood..."
"Lu Han, was it? I saw your name on his phone. I'm sorry, I meant to..." She
trails off, and Lu Han notices now that her eyes are red, and dread sinks into
his stomach.
"Is he okay?" Lu Han blurts out, even though it's probably not a tactful thing
to say.
"I'm sorry," Minseok's mother says, not meeting his eyes, "but Minseok died
yesterday."
"Died?" Lu Han chokes on the word. He saw Minseok only a few days ago, and he
looked tired like he has been recently, but not seriously ill, not like someone
in imminent danger of dying. How can he be dead?
"I suppose he didn't tell you," Minseok's mother continues, her voice flat. "He
didn't like anyone to know, but he was very sick. We knew it was only a matter
of time, but we had hoped he'd at least be able to make it to his recital..."
The recital. Wasn't it only a few days ago that Lu Han was eagerly anticipating
watching Minseok perform for the first time, and also anticipating, despite his
worries, telling Minseok about his feelings? Now none of that will ever happen.
He'll never be able to see Minseok on stage, never be able to see how brightly
he'd smile afterwards, never be able to tell him how amazing he is in Lu Han's
eyes and find out how he would respond. He'll never know how Minseok felt about
him.
"His condition worsened very suddenly and he had to be taken to the hospital,
which is why he wasn't able to contact you." Minseok's mother is still talking,
and Lu Han only half hears her. "It's...at least he's not suffering anymore."
Lu Han goes home in a daze, unable to process the reality of the situation. He
didn't even know Minseok was sick, and now he's dead and gone. Of course they
hadn't known each other for so long, but he thought they were close, and yet
Minseok was keeping this big secret from him, and suffering right under Lu
Han's nose without him noticing. What kind of friend is he? What kind of
person, to fall in love with Minseok's smile and the way his fingers curved
over the piano keys without realizing that he was fading away?
 
Three weeks later, a padded envelope arrives in Lu Han's mailbox. He doesn't
recognize the return address, and with a last name like Kim it could be anyone,
but his mind immediately jumps to one particular possibility. He rips it open
and finds a letter and a CD case. Sure enough, the letter is from Minseok's
mother.
 
We found this while going through Minseok's things. It was together with
letters for me, his father, and his piano teacher that he meant to hand out
after his recital, so he must have been meaning to give this to you then.
 
He takes out the CD with unsteady hands and hurriedly puts it into his laptop.
There are four tracks, the three movements of Lu Han's favorite of Minseok's
recital pieces, and one unlabeled. He pushes play, and tears well up in his
eyes the second he hears the familiar notes of the opening. They don't quite
spill over, but he closes his eyes as he lets them music wash over him like he
did so many times before.
The piece is 20 minutes long and he listens all the way through, sitting
unmoving on his bed. He's forgotten about the last track by the time it ends,
so he jumps when he hears Minseok's soft voice.
"I hope you enjoyed that," he says. "I don't know when I might not be able to
play for you anymore, so I wanted you to have this so you could hear me
anytime. I'm so full of myself, huh, thinking that you'd miss my playing that
much? But I'd like to think you would. I'd like to think you'd miss me too.
"Thank you for stopping in front of my house that day, and thank you for
talking to me. You don't know how much of a difference it's made to me, having
you around the last few months.
"I wouldn't be brave enough to say this to your face, but since it's just me
and the recorder, I guess it's okay: I love you. Silly, isn't it? We haven't
known each other that long, but I do. Maybe you know that already, but you are
really oblivious sometimes. I could be wrong, but I think maybe you love me
back, and I'm thankful for that too, even if it'll never be anything.
"Be happy. Don't forget about me. And don't stop listening to real music just
because I'm not around to make you, okay?"
Lu Han laughs at the last sentence, but it's through his tears and sounds a lot
like a sob. "You idiot," he says, rubbing angrily at his eyes. "How could I
forget you?"
Blinking away his tears, he selects the first track again and pushes play.
 
 
7
Lu Han and his friends go to a club, but Yixing gets carried away and is so
falling-down drunk after an hour that Lu Han volunteers to take him home. With
a giggling Yixing leaning heavily against his side, stumbling with every step,
he doesn't even glance at the group of Korean guys who walk past him into the
club.
 
8
It's a great honor to be chosen for the first Earth-wide colonial expedition to
the planet currently designated X-361A. It's an honor not everyone wants—space
technology has exploded so much in the last 50 years after the discovery of a
habitable planet within potential reach of Earth that many people are still
reeling and don't trust it to be safe—but Lu Han is excited.
He doesn't really understand why he's been chosen when his only qualifications
are being young and healthy and being able to speak two languages (Mandarin and
Korean) well and a third (English) with questionable fluency. He can't help
wondering if someone made a mistake, but he's not about to refuse the offer of
a lifetime. Adventure like this isn't for everyone, but he'd like to think that
it is for him.
The preparation is intense. He has to undergo the most thorough physical he's
ever had, along with psychological testing to make sure he's not likely to snap
or secretly a sociopath. There's also training, from how to deal with decreased
gravity to first aid to how to fly a spaceship, just in case. He studies
English and technical manuals and meditation techniques until it feels like his
head might burst from all the information he's cramming into it, but he's
excited enough that he doesn't care.
He meets Minseok during an evacuation drill the first day they're allowed on
the ship. He gets completely turned around and ends up in the galley, where he
finds an equally lost Minseok. "Do you know where Airlock Two is?" he asks.
Mandarin gets no response and English a furrowed brow that usually means "I
should understand that but I don't," but when he asks in Korean, the other man
makes a face.
"No," Minseok says, grimacing. "I'm so confused."
They laugh and try to find their way together, but they're still lost when the
bell goes off to tell them that the drill is over and anyone still on the ship
is dead.
"This better not be foreshadowing," Minseok says, slumping against the wall in
defeat.
"Think of it this way," Lu Han says. "Now we know we need to memorize those
ship schematics because apparently we suck at finding our way around. If
there's ever a real emergency, we'll be the most prepared people on the ship."
"Good point," Minseok says, grinning. "Though really, if we have to evacuate
into those escape pods somewhere out in space, we're probably pretty much
screwed anyway."
"Thanks, I really needed to hear that." Lu Han punches him in the arm the way
he would one of his friends before he remembers that they don't even know each
other, but Minseok just laughs and scoots a safer distance away from him.
"Sorry," he says, not sounding sorry at all. "I'm Kim Minseok, by the way. I'm
really glad you speak Korean. I wrote on my application that I know Mandarin
and English and some Japanese but really I suck at anything but Korean."
"Lu Han. I'm supposed to know English too, so maybe in between memorizing
schematics, we can study together."
"I'd like that," Minseok says, smiling.
It turns out that Minseok is a computer specialist, though he insists that he's
at the lowest rung of the ladder and more of a glorified mechanic than anything
else. "I don't know who screwed up picking my name out of the hat, but I'm not
going to tell them if they don't notice."
In the few remaining weeks before launch, they become fast friends, studying
together and fighting nervousness with laughter. Lu Han is extremely relieved
and happy to have made a friend; they have a long trip ahead of them, and being
surrounded by strangers sounds very lonely. He's likely to make other friends
too, in time, but somehow he doubts there will be many like Minseok, who he
already feels like he's known for years.
Everything is a whirlwind the last two weeks, trying to fit in all the last-
minute preparation in between spending time with his family and friends he may
very well never see again. Though he's been making light of it, there's a very
real chance that Lu Han won't survive the trip, and even if he does, he might
end up spending the rest of his life on a planet uncountable miles away from
his family and friends. He has to enjoy what time he has left here on Earth.
 
All too soon, the final days approach, and Lu Han and the rest of the
expedition establish themselves on the two ships. Miraculously (or possibly
because of their similar ages and nearby countries of origin), he and Minseok
are only three rooms apart. Lu Han's roommate is Canadian by way of China and
says to call him Kris (and unlike Lu Han, he actually does speak English,
albeit perpetually mumbled), while Minseok's roommate is a Chinese boy named
Zitao who looks dangerously tough but keeps randomly bursting into tears at the
thought of leaving his parents behind.
"I feel like I should ask him if he's really sure he wants to go, but he looks
like he could rip my head off if I offend him," Minseok says as they hide out
in a quiet corner of the mess hall two days before lift off. "I'm almost
positive he wouldn't hurt a fly, but I don't want to find out the hard way that
I'm wrong."
"He's had plenty of time to decide if he wants to go or not," Lu Han points
out. "It's not your problem if he hasn't figured out how to deal with it."
"It is if he keeps crying in our room all the time," Minseok says dryly. "He
looks so pathetic I don't know what to do. And I can barely even talk to him
since we suck at each other's languages."
"Well, he's got two more days to back out," Lu Han says. "Otherwise you better
hope there's a limit to his crying."
Minseok grimaces at the thought, but when launch time does roll around, Lu Han
finds him sitting next to Zitao. Zitao looks tense and a little like a kicked
puppy dog, but then Minseok puts a comforting hand over his and he relaxes a
little.
Lu Han takes the seat on the other side of Minseok, and it's like that that
they experience their launch into space. It's loud and shaky and pretty scary
and Lu Han kind of wishes someone would hold his hand too, but then they're
through the atmosphere with Earth spread out on the viewing window before them
and that's amazing enough to make Lu Han forget all his fear and sadness.
"Wow," he hears Zitao say.
"We're really out in space." Minseok's voice is soft, disbelieving. "We're
really going."
And Lu Han just stares in silence, marveling at the incredible leap his life
has taken.
 
Once the initial excitement of being in space and on their way to a completely
different planet wears off, life is surprisingly mundane. They all have tasks
to do, including basic chores to do with food and cleaning and things like
cataloguing and maintenance. Minseok spends a lot of time monitoring the
computers, but Lu Han doesn't have those kinds of technical skills, so he gets
stuck with more manual labor like working in the laundry or the hydroponics
lab.
"It sounds so glamorous, going on a colonizing mission to outer space," he
whines to Minseok and Kris one evening, "and then I get here and what am I
doing? Laundry."
"That's what you get for not having any other skills to get you out of laundry
duty," Kris tells him with an annoyingly-smug grin. He doesn't have any
technical skills either, but he's escaped laundry and gardening duty because
he's busy teaching in the Language Learning Center for those who don't have the
language skills to communicate with the rest of the crew.
"Shut up," Lu Han grumbles. "If the people in charge knew the only language you
speak fluently is mumble, you'd be right there in the laundry with me."
 
They make a few other friends as the weeks pass and they settle in, mostly
around their age. Junmyeon is a Korean doctor (inexperienced and trained as a
pediatrician, he admits, but he wanted so badly to go and he managed to get a
junior position in the medical crew), and Chanyeol, despite his goofy
appearance, is a member of the chemical research team. Jongin is a mechanic
(and not a glorified one like Minseok; he's there for down-and-dirty repairs),
while his roommate Sehun is there because his family was one of the few chosen
to come all together.
It's a little overwhelming, seeing the same people all the time and never being
able to get away, plus the strangeness of life on a ship and days defined only
by the rise and fall of the artificial lighting levels. Sometimes Lu Han feels
absolutely desperate for blue sky and fresh air and grass under his feet, but
the best he can do is go to the movie room and watch a nature documentary.
(Zitao points out, reasonably enough, that Beijing is hardly known for its
perpetually blue skies. Lu Han responds, also reasonably, he thinks, by kicking
him in the shin.)
Lu Han doesn't mind so much having people around all the time, but Minseok does
sometimes, eventually getting so snippy over dinner one night that Lu Han says,
"Come with me," and drags him out of the mess hall.
He pulls an annoyed Minseok down two floors to a hallway he's discovered by the
laundry. It dead ends in a storage closet, and right beside that closet is a
small alcove with a viewing window and a bench just big enough for two or three
people. He pushes Minseok down onto the bench and sits next to him. "Now
breathe," he says. "And calm down."
"I am calm," Minseok grumbles, but he looks out the window at the stars and
visibly relaxes.
They sit in silence for a few minutes until Minseok says, without turning
around, "Thanks. I guess I did need that. The company around here is good, but
sometimes I just need some alone time, you know?"
"Do you want me to go?" Lu Han asks, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable.
He's been told before that he can't take a hint when someone wants to be left
alone.
Now Minseok turns and gives him a smile. "No, it's okay. For some reason I
don't mind the company if it's just you."
So they sit there in silence for fifteen minutes until an announcement calls
them to an after-dinner meeting, Minseok leaning just a little into Lu Han's
side, and watch the stars together, and Lu Han doesn't know why since he
usually has no patience for silence, but he feels very relaxed and happy.
 
About a month into their voyage ("Only forty-seven months to go!" Chanyeol says
cheerfully), the topic of relationships first comes up. Jongin has developed a
painfully obvious crush on a female mechanic a few years older than him, and Lu
Han and the others find it hilarious to watch him make a fool of himself around
her.
"I wonder if there'll be a lot of people hooking up along the way," Junmyeon
says thoughtfully. "Four years is a long time to be alone, especially when we
don't have that much to occupy ourselves with."
"There's not much of a selection, " Kris comments, "but maybe we'll get
desperate after a while."
"Are you saying you don't want to sleep with any of us?" Chanyeol teases, and
Kris' face when he does a doubletake at that is priceless.
He recovers quickly, though, and says, "I don't swing that way, so I hate to
disappoint you, but if you were hoping for a chance down the line, you'll have
to let it go." Chanyeol laughs the loudest at that.
Later, as Lu Han walks Minseok to work since his shift doesn't start until
later, he says, "My mom asked me when I told her I'd been selected if I wasn't
worried that I might never find a girl to marry if I left. I mean, first she
asked a lot of other stuff like how dangerous it was, but eventually she got to
that. I didn't even think about it, until she asked."
"Not in a hurry to get married?" Minseok asks.
"No, not really," Lu Han says truthfully. It is something he's thought about,
but he's also thought about how maybe he'd prefer to marry a man if he could,
which means at this point that he'd prefer not to marry. He's thought about a
lot of things, and he's quite content to not think about them now when he's got
bigger things to worry about.
"Me neither." There's something about the way he says it that makes Lu Han look
over at Minseok, who is looking at back at him with a deliberately casual
expression.
"What?" he asks.
Minseok just flashes him a wry-looking smile and says, "Nothing." Before Lu Han
can pester him, a flustered-looking tech swoops in to ask Minseok a question,
and all Lu Han can do is wave goodbye as he's pulled away.
 
He forgets about that conversation by the end of the day, but a few weeks later
as they're getting into bed, Kris asks, "Did you have anyone back home, before
you left?"
"You mean like a girlfriend?" It seems like an out of the blue question, though
they did tease Jongin about his "girlfriend" (who still won't give him the time
of day) at dinner.
"Yeah," Kris says. "Or whatever." He says it so casually that Lu Han's not sure
what it's supposed to mean, but when he looks up, Kris gives him a significant
sort of half smile.
"No," Lu Han says. "Nobody. Why do you ask?"
"I did," Kris admits. "A girlfriend. We'd only been dating for six months when
I was chosen, but she asked me not to go. I went anyway."
"Huh." Lu Han doesn't know what to say with that; he's never been good with
this kind of thing.
"It's fine," Kris says quickly. "I'm not saying it so you'll feel sorry for me
or anything. I just wanted someone to know, I guess." He shrugs. "We all
probably chose this chance over relationships, right? Except people who came as
couples. So it's not a priority, but I wonder if some of us will find someone
on the way."
"With more success than Jongin, maybe," Lu Han says with a laugh.
Kris smiles too, and then he asks, "What about you?"
"Me?" Lu Han asks, confused.
"Anyone caught your eye yet?"
Lu Han thinks about the way Jongin is with his crush, and about the girls and
occasionally guys he dated back home, and then suddenly he thinks about Minseok
and realizes that maybe he does know what Kris is getting at.
Something in his expression makes Kris laugh. "I knew it," he says. Then,
teasingly, "Did you?"
"I've been known to be an idiot about liking people," Lu Han says sheepishly.
"Especially male people."
"You should go for it," Kris says, still looking amused. "Your chances are a
hell of a lot better than Jongin's."
"Jongin's hot," Lu Han retorts. "I bet it's only a matter of time before either
he gets who he wants or someone else snaps him up."
"Yeah, well, you're hot too," Kris says. Lu Han raises his eyebrows at him and
Kris rolls his eyes. "I mean that in a totally platonic and not gay way. I
really don't swing that way at all."
"And what makes you think Minseok does?" Lu Han asks, reasonably enough. "If he
doesn't and I make things awkward between us, we're never going to be able to
avoid each other. And I don't want to avoid him."
"I'm not an expert," Kris says, "but I have a feeling he does." Then he grins a
little and adds, "At least for you. You could give it a try."
 
In spite of Kris' prodding, Lu Han doesn't do anything except be more aware of
his feelings. Now that he's thinking about it, he realizes that okay, maybe the
way he wants to be around Minseok all the time, more than any of his other
friends, means something more than that they're best friends (or at least the
best friends either of them has here). Maybe he pays attention to Minseok's
moods and shows him his favorite parts of the ship that he doesn't show anyone
else because Minseok is special to him.
And he doesn't want to ask, but he can't help but wonder how much he can read
into Minseok's behavior. Is the way he doesn't mind being around Lu Han even
when he wants to get away from everyone else a sign that they're more than just
friends? Does the way he sometimes leans against Lu Han or grabs his hand or
occasionally hits him mean anything or is it no different from how he interacts
with his other friends? It's so hard to judge, because even though they're
friends, he hasn't known Minseok for long at all, and maybe they're all a
little overly clingy these days.
More time passes and Lu Han gets used to it, being close to Minseok but not too
close. He convinces himself that he's happy like this, having a best friend at
a time when he really needs one, and that he doesn't need anything more. He is
happy, mostly, and Minseok seems happy too, and that's all that really matters.
 
The day they hit the six month mark of their voyage, there's a big party
scheduled at dinner. The morning starts like any ordinary day except that Lu
Han wakes up a little early so he can finish his laundry shift in time for the
party. He stumbles sleepily over to Minseok and Zitao's room since Minseok is
usually up early and willing to eat breakfast together.
He doesn't want to wake Zitao (who is much less of an early riser) up with the
bell, so he punches in the code to open the door. The lights are on the dim
early morning setting, which is enough for him to see that only one of the beds
is occupied. It's Minseok's bed, and it's currently occupied by both Minseok
and Zitao, covered by a blanket but obviously lying very close together.
Lu Han takes an immediate step back, but then Minseok's eyes open and he looks
up at him. "Hey, um..." He makes an embarrassed face.
"Sorry, I'll go," Lu Han says, managing another step back.
"No, wait a second!" Minseok tries to get up, but Zitao appears to have a tight
grip on him.
His voice is loud enough to wake Zitao, who blinks sleepily. "What's going on?"
he asks in Mandarin.
"Forget it," Lu Han says quickly. "I'll, uh, see you guys later."
He hears Zitao asking his question again in Korean and Minseok muttering
something, sounding annoyed, but then he closes the door behind him and hurries
off to the mess hall.
He eats quickly and goes down to the laundry, which unfortunately does nothing
to distract him from thinking about what he saw. He doesn't want to read too
much into it, but it's hard not to read anything into two guys in bed together.
They're a touchy bunch, but there's being touchy and then there's sleeping in
the same bed that isn't big enough for two people to sleep in unless they're
very close together. And he knows Zitao is very fond of Minseok and Minseok
indulges him even as he rolls his eyes, so who's to say it couldn't have turned
into something more?
Lu Han almost wants to skip the party, but he'd be an idiot to pass up a
better-than-usual spread of food and a decent selection of alcohol. Besides,
he's been looking forward to this all week. He's not going to spend it moping
in his room just because his crush slept with someone else last night
(literally and also possibly in the euphemistic sense).
He arrives at dinner determined to forget everything else, but as soon as he
approaches the table his friends have staked out, Zitao jumps up and says, "I
need to talk to you." He grabs Lu Han's arm, and he's not rough, but he's
strong enough to easily drag Lu Han back outside and into a secluded corner.
"What are you doing?" Lu Han snaps, more sharply than Zitao deserves, and he
feels bad at the hurt on his face.
"Don't be mad at me," Zitao says. He's wearing his puppy dog face and even
though Lu Han wants to be mad at him, he can't. "And don't be mad at Minseok-
hyung. It's not what you're thinking."
"It's not?" The part of Lu Han that isn't being a drama queen about this knows
that, because it was obvious that Minseok was trying to explain something that
morning, but everyone deserves the right to be a drama queen every once in a
while, he thinks, especially after they walk in on the guy they like in bed
with someone else.
"I was homesick," Zitao explains. "Thinking about how we've been away for six
whole months and there's so much longer to go. I was crying and Minseok-hyung
felt sorry for me so he let me get in his bed. We talked until I felt better
and then I guess I fell asleep."
"Oh," Lu Han says. That's a relief, and also kind of embarrassing because it
means he's been a drama queen for absolutely no reason.
"That's all that happened," Zitao continues. He's so earnest Lu Han couldn't
possibly be annoyed with him. "That's all that would ever happen. He's like my
big brother who takes care of me and I'm sure I'm just an annoying little
brother to him."
"Oh," Lu Han repeats, feeling more embarrassed by the second.
"I kind of thought you guys were already—" Zitao starts, but then he breaks
off, and Lu Han realizes why a second later when someone comes up behind him
and he turns to come face to face with Minseok. "Hi," Zitao says, switching to
Korean. "I'll see you guys inside." He disappears immediately, leaving Lu Han
alone with Minseok.
"I guess he explained?" Minseok asks.
"Yeah," Lu Han says sheepishly, studying the floor.
"You're such an idiot," Minseok says, but he sounds more fond than annoyed.
"You could've waited two seconds this morning to let me tell you what happened
instead of running away and probably thinking about it all day."
"Sorry," Lu Han tells the floor.
"Forget about it," Minseok says. "But what's the big deal? Does me sleeping
with Tao freak you out that much? If we were really sleeping together, I mean."
"No, it's not...I was just...surprised." He doesn't think he's fooling anyone,
but if he's managed to keep his feelings a secret from Minseok for this long,
maybe it's possible.
"Or jealous?" Minseok asks, and Lu Han's head snaps up, eyes going wide with
shock; so much for that idea. Minseok laughs. "You should see your face."
Lu Han punches him in the shoulder because it's easier than figuring out what
to say now. Minseok gives him a light shove in response before he says, "If
you're jealous, you're even more of an idiot than I thought. Like there was
ever any question that you're the most special to me."
Now Lu Han stares at him. He's afraid to take that as more than it is, but it
sure sounds like a confession. "You mean...?"
Minseok looks back at him for a long time before finally letting out an
exasperated sigh and moving forward to kiss Lu Han. It's just a peck, long
enough to make his intentions entirely clear but not to attract any attention.
"That's what I mean," Minseok says. "Now can we go inside? I'm starving and
it'll be no fun if everyone's already drunk by the time we get there."
When Lu Han doesn't react, Minseok grabs his hand and drags him back to the
mess hall, where they take the last two seats at the table. "Dragged out by Tao
and back in by Minseok-hyung," Sehun says dryly. "Interesting night you're
having."
Lu Han kicks him under the table because that's what he does, but he doesn't
care. There's good food and drink (at least compared to what they've been
having for the last six months) and Minseok is smiling and sitting close enough
that their legs brush under the table. Their friends are smiling and laughing
too, not caring even though they must have some idea what's going on, and all
in all, life is good.
By the time the party winds down, Lu Han and Minseok are both quite drunk. All
their friends are, but the youngest three are by far the worst, and Junmyeon
offers to escort all three of them back to Jongin and Sehun's room. Lu Han's
confused by that in his drunken state, but then Junmyeon flashes him and
Minseok a significant look and he thinks, Oh, right. Then he thinks, Oh, shit,
because if he's left alone with Minseok tonight, he has no idea how far things
will go.
Kris and Chanyeol walk back with them, but then they drop Chanyeol off in his
room. When they reach the door of Kris and Lu Han's room, Minseok very
pointedly takes hold of Lu Han's hand and says, "Goodnight, Kris."
"Goodnight," is all Kris says before disappearing into the room.
"Come on," Minseok says once the door closes. It's almost a question, so Lu Han
answers by starting to walk toward Minseok's room.
The door is barely closed before Minseok is kissing him, which gives Lu Han a
pretty good idea of where this is going to go. He's not going to complain; it's
been a good deal more than six months since he's kissed anyone at all, and
kissing Minseok is particularly appealing. Maybe it's moving kind of fast, but
he's been nursing these feelings for a while now. He's ready for it.
Minseok pulls back for a moment, after a while, just enough to look Lu Han in
the eye. "Do we need to talk about this?" he asks, a tiny bit breathless. His
eyes are dark and Lu Han gets lost in them.
"We can talk later," he says, and leans in to kiss Minseok again.
 
Lu Han wakes up the next morning in much the same position as he found Zitao in
the day before, except that he and Minseok are both naked under the blanket.
He's got something of a hangover, but not too bad, all things considered. He
opens his eyes and brings up a hand to rub at them, and when he moves his hand
away, he finds Minseok looking at him.
"Morning," he says with a small smile. "I was wondering when you'd wake up.
"Morning," Lu Han echoes. He's not awake enough to feel self-conscious, even if
he's clinging to Minseok almost as much as Zitao was. He lets go slowly, hand
skating down Minseok's side, and makes no move to get up.
"That was some party, huh?" Minseok says dryly, and Lu Han laughs, but not too
much because his head isn't ready for that. "I can't believe you didn't realize
I liked you. And that you thought I was sleeping with Tao."
"So I'm an idiot," Lu Han says, sheepish but not too bothered at this point.
"And you were lying in bed together first thing in the morning, which isn't
something I usually do with my friends, personally."
"I'm surprised, considering how clingy you get." Lu Han pokes Minseok in the
stomach as revenge for that, but he just grins. Then, after a moment, he asks,
"Is it talking time now?"
Lu Han shrugs, as much as he can while lying down. "Do we have to talk?"
"We probably should. We're going to be stuck on the same ship for a long time
and we don't want to make things awkward."
"What is there to talk about?" Lu Han's aware that he sounds whiny, but he's
not a big fan of talking about things.
"Oh, I don't know. If we're going to be having sex again. What sort of feelings
we have about each other. Creative ways to get Tao and Kris out of our rooms if
we want to have more sex."
Lu Han laughs, probably harder than that really deserves, but that's the way he
is. "Yes," he says. "To the sex. And it seems like everyone else knows how I
feel better than I do."
Now it's Minseok's turn to laugh. "That's true." He presses a kiss to Lu Han's
nose and then flashes him a smile that's cuter than it has any right to be.
"And I already told you that you're special to me, so I guess that just leaves
how to get time alone."
"I can be persuasive," Lu Han says, vaguely threatening, and Minseok laughs
almost as hard as Lu Han did before.
 
In spite of their failure to discuss things properly, things go well. Their
friends all seems amused by but supportive of their relationship, and it's easy
enough to get time alone either by asking nicely or by starting to make out
until Kris or Tao flees the room. (Lu Han prefers the second method; Minseok
tells him he's a terrible person as he laughs.) They get to know each other
better, become closer, and Lu Han's feelings for Minseok grow.
And time passes, slowly but steadily. There are some exciting (read:
terrifying) days, like the time they pass through an asteroid field and take a
few scary but not-too-damaging hits, or the time one of the engines breaks down
and anyone remotely qualified to help fix it, including Minseok, works round
the clock for almost two days to repair it. But against all odds, perhaps, they
continue on their way.
Sometimes Lu Han hates it, gets stir crazy and desperate to feel grass under
his feet or sun on his face and to go somewhere different and see different
people. They all do, some people even to the point of cracking up and needing
to be isolated for a while until they can calm down. But other days he laughs
with his friends in the mess hall until his stomach hurts, or he sits with
Minseok and looks at the stars, and he thinks that his life is really pretty
amazing.
 
And then somehow, at last, just shy of their four-year estimated transit time,
they arrive at their destination. It's hard to believe; they've been traveling
for so long that Lu Han almost forgot that wasn't the goal. It's scary too,
because they've all gotten used to life on the ship, but now they'll be facing
entirely new challenges and in all likelihood significant risks. They all knew
when they signed on that there was a very real possibility they'd die a long,
long way from home, but it feels very different now that that possibility is
staring them right in the face in the form of the planet just outside their
windows.
The night before they land, Lu Han lies in bed with Minseok. (Zitao has long
since moved in with Kris to allow Lu Han to share with Minseok.) "What do you
think it'll be like?" he asks.
"You've seen the data and the pictures," Minseok points out. He seems
distracted, absently tracing patterns on Lu Han's back.
"I know, but those are from machines. Who knows what it'll be like for real
people?"
"Yeah." Minseok's hand stills, and then he presses it flat against Lu Han's
back. "I'm..." he starts, and then changes his mind. "Are you scared?"
Lu Han takes his time, considering the question. He is, honestly, but it's hard
to admit. "A lot of people were scared about the trip here," he says. "Before
we left, so many people said we'd never make it, and I thought they might be
right, but they weren't. So let's hope the people who said we'd die on the
planet if we survived the trip were wrong too."
"So optimistic," Minseok says, chuckling.
Lu Han turns on his side to kiss him. "There's no way to know what'll happen,"
he says. "But I'm glad I came." Another kiss. "I love you."
Minseok smiles, small at first and then widening. "I love you too," he says.
"I'm glad too."
 
The next morning, on their way down to the planet, Lu Han takes Minseok's hand,
and he doesn't let go even after they safely land.
 
Establishing a colony on the planet is hard, and some people do die, too many,
but Lu Han and Minseok and all their friends defy the odds and make it through.
For two years, they work hard to carve out a life on an unfamiliar planet, and
as difficult as it is, Lu Han is really happy there.
When they celebrate the second anniversary of their arrival, the leaders make a
big announcement. One of their ships will be heading back to Earth to report on
their progress and, if all goes according to plan, return with more settlers.
It's the goal they've been working toward and it's exciting, but Lu Han is
nervous too. It's another big change, and there's no telling what the aftermath
will bring. He wants to stay and he's made his intentions of that clear, as has
Minseok, but not all their friends feel the same, and he doesn't know how life
here will be with a good portion of the population gone.
A week after the announcement, Minseok comes back from an on-ship maintenance
job with a frown on his face. "What's wrong?" Lu Han asks immediately, and his
frown only deepens. Lu Han gives him a kiss, but that doesn't help.
"Sit down," Minseok tells him, which makes Lu Han worried. They sit on what
passes for a couch, cushions pilfered from their room on the ship. Minseok
looks very serious and Lu Han's heart is beating faster than he likes. "I got
called in to talk to Governor Petrov today," he explains. "He wanted to talk to
me about the return trip."
"But you're not going," Lu Han says, perplexed. Minseok is silent, and Lu Han
is afraid he knows where this is going. "Right?" he asks, pleading.
"That's what I told him," Minseok says, not meeting Lu Han's eyes. "But I told
you, before, we lost a lot of our techs in that big explosion last year, and of
the ones who are left, not enough want to go back to safely keep the ship
running."
"But...there's not just you. Someone else can go." Lu Han takes Minseok's hand,
clinging desperately, hoping.
"I asked." Minseok's voice is flat, but Lu Han can hear pain lurking just under
the surface. "I said I didn't want to go. But there's only a few other people
who could go instead, and one's pregnant, one has a little kid, and the other
has been really sick and might not survive the trip. So it has to be me."
"Then...can't I come with you?" He doesn't really want to leave, but if it's
that or lose Minseok, he'll go.
"I asked that too," Minseok says, "but our supplies are very limited. They're
only allowing necessary personnel and people with a really good reason to want
to go back to Earth on this time."
"Isn't me wanting to be with you a really good reason?" Lu Han asks. He's
squeezing Minseok's hand so tight it probably hurts, but he doesn't pull it
away.
"I'm sorry. I asked and I begged and I even yelled, but it didn't work."
"Can't you just...not go?" It sounds terrible, putting Minseok staying with him
above the safety of the people going back, but he just doesn't care.
"I signed a contract," Minseok says. "We all did. We got to go on this
adventure, but the price we pay is that we have to go where they send us."
"But..." He doesn't have anything else to say, but he can't help objecting one
more time.
"I'm sorry," Minseok says again, and Lu Han realizes with shock that there are
tears in Minseok's eyes. He's never seen him cry, or even come close to it, so
he does the only thing he can do and pulls Minseok into a crushing hug.
 
There are two more months of preparation before the scheduled departure, and
they're probably the worst months of Lu Han's life so far. They call in every
favor they have, beg everyone they know, trying to either get Minseok out of
going or make it possible for Lu Han to go with him, but nothing seems to work,
and at last, they have to give up. Minseok says that they should enjoy the time
they have, not spend it being angry or sad, but it's hard to do, sometimes
impossibly hard.
"I'd give you my space if I could," says Junmyeon, who's been chosen to as the
only doctor for the voyage home, "but it doesn't work like that."
"I know," Lu Han says, and tries not to be bitter.
There's a pause, and then Junmyeon adds, more quietly, "I'll look after him. I
don't know if that helps at all, but I will."
It doesn't, really, but at least Minseok won't be all alone, with Lu Han and
the rest of their close friends staying here. "Thank you," he says.
 
Too soon, the dreaded day of departure rolls around. Minseok has already moved
his things onto the ship, but he stays the last night with Lu Han. Departure
this time is much less official than when they left Earth, most of the
passengers walking over with their friends. Lu Han and Minseok walk over alone,
but once there, they meet Junmyeon and the others. Minseok says his goodbyes to
everyone else before dragging Lu Han off to the side.
They've avoided it until now, pretending that their time wasn't running out,
not talking about what comes next, but they can't any longer. Minseok wraps his
arms around Lu Han's waist and kisses him fiercely. "I'll...I don't know," he
says when he pulls back, just enough to talk. "I can't promise I'll be back. I
don't know if I'll be able to come back and even if I can, it'll probably be
ten years or more."
"I know," Lu Han says quietly. He's already choked up, afraid he'll burst into
tears if he talks more.
"Do you..." Minseok looks right at him and it hurts. "Do you want me to? Come
back. If I can."
"Yes." He says it right away, not needing to consider. Ten years is a long
time, but he's loved Minseok for nearly six and it's hard to see that changing.
Besides, he's not likely to find someone else in the small population they'll
have left. More hesitantly, he asks, "Do you want to?"
Minseok smiles sadly. "I do. I will, if I can. But don't...I mean...be happy
here, okay? Don't sit around being miserable for ten years. It's amazing being
here, right? So enjoy it."
"I will," Lu Han says, though what he really means is "I'll try." He can't
imagine life here without Minseok, and he doesn't think it'll be anywhere near
as amazing. Then, "You too. It'll be nice, won't it, to see Earth again?"
"Yeah, it will," Minseok agrees, but he doesn't sound like he really means it
either.
They kiss again, and don't stop until there's an announcement calling everyone
who's leaving onto the ship. Lu Han hugs Minseok as tightly as he can and
murmurs, "I love you," into his hair. Minseok's response is muffled against Lu
Han's shoulder, but he knows what it is anyway.
Lu Han doesn't let go until their friends find them. "It's time to go,"
Junmyeon says gently, and Minseok pulls out of Lu Han's hold. He swipes briefly
at his eyes before pasting a smile on his face.
"Take care of yourselves, guys," he tells them all. "Maybe I'll see you in a
decade or so. You better not have screwed this place up."
Junmyeon says something too, but Lu Han doesn't hear, all his attention on
Minseok. He blinks, finding his vision blurry, and then he feels someone
wrapping arms around him from behind. "Be strong," Zitao tells him. "See him
off with a smile like he's doing for you." So Lu Han does smile, even as his
tears spill over, and Minseok catches his eyes one more time and smiles widely
before he turns to go.
 
It's a full eleven years before two new ships appear in the skies over their
planet. Somehow their little colony is still hanging on, grimmer and smaller,
but alive. Even though it's been eleven years and Lu Han hasn't spent the whole
time pining, his heart still jumps at the sight of the ships overhead, and he
feels tense and impatient while they wait for the ships to land and empty.
There are a lot of people, more than the initial expedition and many more than
their small group of colonists. Lu Han stands together with his friends, and
even though no one says anything, they stick close around him, protective. With
so many people, it's hard to see if there are any familiar faces, but finally,
when almost everyone has debarked, Lu Han sees someone he recognizes coming
toward them, one of the techs who worked with Minseok.
He's French and none of them knows French, so he speaks to them in English.
"This is for you," he says, handing an envelope to Lu Han, and Lu Han's heart
sinks because that tells him everything. "And this is for all of you." The
second envelope goes to Kris, and then the man heads off with promises to catch
up later.
They read the letter to all of them first. It's from Junmyeon, saying that he
misses them and hopes they're all well. He rambles for a while about the trip
home before explaining that he won't be coming back because he met someone
during his time back on Earth and he has a family now. It's a happy letter,
even if it's sad that they're not likely to see their friend again.
The second is obviously from Minseok, and although Kris asks if he wants
company while he reads it, Lu Han shakes his head and goes home alone. He opens
the letter, which isn't in Minseok's familiar handwriting because it's typed.
It's a lot shorter than Junmyeon's too. Psyching himself up, he starts to read.
 
I guess you already know by now, but I'm not coming back this time, or maybe
ever. It's sad, but I survived two long space voyages and two years on another
planet just fine, and then I came back to Earth and got in an accident on a
bike. I'm okay, but my right arm is kind of useless, so my days of fixing
computers and doing manual labor are over. I tried to convince them to let me
go anyway, when it came time to pick people for the second expedition, but no
luck.
I don't know what's happened to you in the years since I left, and what'll
happen in the years before this gets to you. I don't know if you still want me
there. I don't even know if you're still alive. But if you are alive to read
this, know that I haven't forgotten about you and that I would've kept my
promise if I could. I hope you're keeping yours too, and that you're happy
there.
I won't say that this is it for us because you never know, but if it is, have a
good life. I'll try my best to have one here too.
 
He doesn't cry, because he's a lot tougher than he was eleven years ago, but he
stares at the letter for a long time, remembering. Finally, he folds the letter
and puts it back in its envelope, getting to his feet. "I will," he says, as if
his words could reach across the vastness of space, and then he puts the letter
aside and goes back out to see what's happening.
 
 
9
 
They meet on a message board for fans of the Korean band (if you're being
charitable, or boyband if you're not) Peppermint. Minseok's username is KMS,
while Lu Han is registered as Lu, allowing them to blend in with the
predominantly female fanbase. It's not that they're embarrassed, but...okay,
maybe it is a little embarrassing being male fans of a boyband, even if they're
fans for the music and not because they're in love with the members of the
group.
Once they start e-mailing privately, Lu Han thinks it's probably time to come
clean lest he seem like a creeper, so he writes, Since we're off the boards
now, maybe it's time for real names? My name's Lu Han, and since I don't know
if you can tell from that, I should probably tell you that I'm a guy.
Minseok replies quickly with a lot of laughing emoticons. I was just worrying
about coming clean and if you wouldn't want to talk to me once you found out I
was a guy. I guess maybe there's a reason we started talking, huh? I'm Minseok.
With that out of the way, they quickly bond over their shared fanboy
experience, learning more about each other and discovering other shared
interests in between discussions of lyrics and choreography and the challenge
of finding money to buy albums and goods while still in high school.
They get comfortable with each other, progressing to text messages and then
Skype, even though Lu Han's spoken Korean sucks and Minseok's mother is
paranoid that his online friend is secretly some kind of sexual predator. (Once
Lu Han greets her over Skype in his best polite Korean, she's instantly smitten
and Minseok tells him later that she couldn't shut up about how he "seems like
such a nice boy." "I think she thinks you're hot," Minseok says, wrinkling his
nose in distaste.)
That's the one thing they always dance around, even as they share all kinds of
details of their lives. Minseok tells Lu Han about getting dragged on a double
date with the painfully boring friend of his friend's crush, and Lu Han tells
Minseok about awkwardly turning down the girl who confessed to him but was so
nervous she couldn't look at him, but they never actually say if they're only
interested in girls, or are interested in girls at all.
It's easy to make assumptions about boys who like boybands, but they don't talk
about how hot their favorite members are, keeping their comments to things
like, "Isn't he amazing?" And their conversations aren't full of hearts and
declarations of love for each other like a lot of the girls on the message
boards. They may be talking about boybands, but they talk about them like the
boys they are (or so Lu Han says when Minseok jokes that maybe they don't have
enough love).
Lu Han's okay with that, because he's not sure what he'd say if the topic ever
did come up. His friends tease him about being gay for Peppermint, and more
recently about his "Korean boyfriend," and he always insists that it's not like
that, but to himself he can admit that maybe, just maybe, it is like that on
both counts. He doesn't want it to be, doesn't want people to be right when
they assume he's that stereotype of the cute, gay pretty boy who likes boybands
and boys in general, but maybe it is.
But he never brings it up and Minseok never asks, so Lu Han continues to reject
the girls who pursue him and wonder if one he can like back will ever come
along or if he'll have to look elsewhere. It's fine, anyway. He has his friends
and his love for Peppermint, and if their songs about love sometimes make him
feel like he's missing something big, well, he's still young and he has time
for all of that.
 
They get busy when they start their last year of high school, but they still
keep in regular contact, talking each other through entrance exam panic and Lu
Han's endless struggle to convince his parents to let him go to university in
Korea. Lu Han's friends don't take that seriously, asking him why he would ever
want to leave Beijing, and Minseok may not understand either, but at least he's
supportive.
That's why when Lu Han finally finds out that he got accepted to study in Seoul
and his parents cave and tell him he can go, Minseok is the first person he
tells. He expresses his excitement in garbled Korean and emphatic hand gestures
over Skype, and Minseok congratulates him with a big smile on his face.
"I guess this means we'll finally get to meet in person," Minseok says,
grinning. "We can go to music shows and when Peppermint finally does concerts
we can go and feel totally out of place together."
Lu Han laughs and then beams at him, feeling happier than he probably ever has
before. "It's going to be the best."
 
Lu Han has never lived anywhere but Beijing, so the prospect of moving to
another country, once the initial excitement passes, is more than a little
terrifying. He doesn't want to admit that to his still-skeptical parents and
friends, so Minseok has to talk him down a lot when he starts panicking about
his ability to survive in Korea.
"Seoul isn't that scary once you get used to it," Minseok says patiently (even
though he lives out in the suburbs now and will also be moving to the city for
university), "and your Korean's already pretty good. And anyway, you won't be
the only foreign student, so I'm sure the university will help you with stuff.
But in spite of all that, Lu Han is still more than a little nervous when he
boards the plane, so he's glad to know that Minseok will be waiting for him in
the airport and he won't immediately get lost or robbed blind or murdered.
(There is a slight possibility that Minseok is secretly a serial killer, but Lu
Han's pretty sure after all this time that he's safe.) His heart is pounding as
he steps out in to the arrivals area, but he bursts out laughing when he sees a
big sign with a peppermint candy on it, and his worries are temporarily
forgotten as Minseok runs over and pulls him and his giant backpack into a hug.
The first thing Lu Han says when they break apart is, "You're short." Minseok
laughs and punches him none-too-gently in the arm.
They're both grinning, and Lu Han thinks that texts and e-mails and even Skype
can never match meeting a friend in person, especially knowing that you'll be
able to do it a lot from now on. Minseok chatters the whole way into the city,
talking too quickly in his excitement for Lu Han to catch everything, but he
doesn't have the heart to stop him. He's too happy to care, anyway, just being
here, in Korea and with Minseok.
 
In his first month in Korea, Lu Han realizes several things. First, that even
if he can speak Korean decently, never having taken formal classes and having
picked up a lot from the internet, his grammar is terrible and he has to start
from the beginning even though it means wincing as his classmates fumble over
extremely basic vocabulary. Second, that being able to talk about kpop in
Korean doesn't mean he can do important things like order food, open a bank
account, or get around the city without great difficulty.
Third and perhaps most important in the grand scheme of things, that it's a lot
easier not to think about being attracted to someone when you only see them on
the computer screen, and that he is, in fact, attracted to Minseok. He still
doesn't really know if he likes girls most of the time or sometimes or hardly
at all, but he can't deny that he does like Minseok in more than just a
friendly way.
What he doesn't know is what to do about it. Minseok has new friends at his own
university and Lu Han at his, but they still hang out regularly and Lu Han
would hate to mess with that. He doesn't know if Minseok would react badly and
it would be awful if he turned against Lu Han when he's been such a lifeline
here in Korea, not to mention the only other male Peppermint fan he's ever met.
Besides that, Korea is hardly the most accepting place, and it's difficult
enough to be a foreigner here without being a gay foreigner.
So he resolves to keep quiet about it for now, hoping the feelings will just go
away in time. If he can make himself stop feeling like this about Minseok, then
everything can go back to being simple again, and he can find a girl he likes
well enough and maybe finally experience love like in the songs he's listened
to so many times.
 
Lu Han's been in Korea for five months when Peppermint announces their first
solo concert tour. Lu Han hasn't had the same time to devote to them recently
that he did in high school, but if there's any question that he's still a big
fan, it's answered when he immediately calls Minseok after hearing the news and
freaks his roommate out with his incoherent screams of excitement.
"We're going together, right?" Minseok says when they've calmed down enough for
actual words. "Right? We have to."
"Of course!" Lu Han says. As if there was ever a question.
 
They go to the first concert of the tour in Seoul and it's amazing and
everything Lu Han could have hoped for, and even better because he can share
the excitement of it with Minseok. They chatter animatedly about it all through
a late dinner and the trip back to Minseok's apartment. They have plans to keep
their flailing alive by watching videos, but what actually happens is that as
soon as they're in Minseok's room with the door closed against his mocking
roommate, Minseok tugs Lu Han forward with hands fisted in his con t-shirt and
kisses him.
It's a fantasy come true and at first Lu Han's too shocked to react. Then he's
seized by a momentary panic, but he's still riding a post-concert adrenaline
high, so he just lets go and kisses back. The kiss deepens fast, mouths opening
and tongues tangling, and Minseok's never talked to Lu Han about kissing
anyone, but he seems to know what he's doing and it feels good, so good.
By the time they break apart, Lu Han is feeling pleasantly dazed, but he laughs
to see a similar expression on Minseok's face. Minseok licks his lips self-
consciously and says, "I, uh...I wasn't planning on doing that, but I guess you
didn't mind too much."
"No," Lu Han sheepishly agrees. "I didn't."
Minseok makes a face. "Look at us, making out in our sparkly boyband t-shirts.
Could we be any more gay?"
"We could take them off," Lu Han says in a bedroom voice he didn't know he had.
Minseok looks surprised, to say the least, and Lu Han opens his mouth to take
it back, but Minseok speaks first. "Okay. If you really want to?" He meets Lu
Han's eyes and his expression says what his words don't, that he's serious
about this, and Lu Han nods slowly, answering both the spoken question and the
implied one.
And that's how they end up on Minseok's bed with their sparkly boyband shirts
off, Lu Han's hands in Minseok's hair and Minseok's fingers dancing on the bare
skin of Lu Han's back. Their touching hasn't gone any farther than that, but
with the way they're pressed up against each other, kissing hard and barely
even bothering to breathe, it seems likely that it will. Lu Han will probably
freak out later, but right now, he can't think about anything but Minseok, his
lips against Lu Han's and his hands clenched in Lu Han's hair.
Lu Han breaks first, letting out a moan that turns into "Please" at the press
of Minseok's thigh between his legs.
Minseok stops kissing him and Lu Han's afraid he's gone too far, but when
Minseok pulls back, his eyes are dark with want. "Can I touch you?" he asks in
a low voice, shifting to lie beside Lu Han, a hand on his hip.
Lu Han nods and when Minseok doesn't move, he adds, "Yes. Please."
Minseok's eyes follow his hand as he skates his fingers across Lu Han's stomach
before popping the button on his now too-tight jeans and sliding the zipper
down painfully slowly. His palm settles over Lu Han's erection, just resting
there, and Lu Han can't breathe. "Have you ever...?" Minseok asks slowly. "I've
never touched anyone else." His cheeks are flushed and Lu Han doesn't know how
much is arousal and how much is embarrassment.
"You don't have to," Lu Han says, even though he really hopes Minseok won't
take him up on it.
"I want to," Minseok says almost the second the words are out of Lu Han's
mouth. "If you want me to."
Lu Han thinks his feelings on the subject are pretty obvious, but he says,
"Yeah," to be sure.
Finally, Minseok obliges, pulling his underwear down and wrapping a hand around
Lu Han's erection, and after waiting what feels like forever, Lu Han can't be
bothered about the moan that escapes him. The hungry look in Minseok's eyes
tells Lu Han that he doesn't mind either. He presses a kiss to Lu Han's bare
shoulder as he starts to move his hand.
It's slow, not enough, but it's good. Lu Han's never had anyone else's hand on
him either, but he likes it. Minseok scoots up a bit to kiss Lu Han's mouth as
he continues stroking him, even as Lu Han moans into the kiss. Lu Han's hips
jerk up when he speeds up his strokes, grip tightening. He doesn't want to be
too loud because Minseok's roommate is home, and in any case, it's
embarrassing, but he can't help it. Minseok doesn't try to hush him, just
muffles Lu Han's moans with his mouth.
It seems like they've been at this forever even though it's probably not long
at all, and he's closer and closer and then just barely remembering to bite
back a cry as he comes. Minseok pulls back enough to let him gasp for air, but
he's still really close, and Lu Han would probably feel self-conscious if he
wasn't too busy feeling good.
Minseok kisses him as he comes down, gentler now, and it's not until Lu Han
turns into him and Minseok moans that he remembers Minseok hasn't been touched
yet. He pulls away and Minseok gives him the cutest confused face before Lu Han
says, "Your turn?"
It's awkward with Lu Han half out of his clothes, so he kicks off his pants and
underwear and, when Minseok makes no move to do so himself, divests him of the
rest of his clothes. He looks good naked and Lu Han is seized by the desire to
taste all that exposed skin and leave a mark (which, whoa, this escalated
fast), but for now, he just pulls Minseok into his lap.
They fumble a bit before they find a good position and Lu Han is able to take
hold of Minseok's erection, pulling a low groan from him. His face falls into
the crook of Lu Han's neck and stays like that as Lu Han strokes him, moans
muffled against his skin. It's really hot and if Lu Han hadn't just come, he'd
probably be getting extremely turned on by it.
As it is, it spurs him to stroke faster, wrapping his free arm around Minseok
to pull him closer. He's shaking under Lu Han's touch, little shivers of
pleasure that build until he arches up and moans too loud to muffle as he comes
on Lu Han's stomach.
For a few moments, the only sound is Minseok's harsh breathing. Then he mumbles
something that Lu Han thinks is, "Fuck," followed by, "That was not how I
thought tonight would end." He sounds a little amused and a lot embarrassed,
but not like he regrets it, Lu Han thinks.
"But it's okay?" He realizes he's still holding Minseok close and drops his
arm, but Minseok moves back only enough to look him in the eye.
"Having our first time be after a boyband concert is really, really gay,
though," Minseok says. He's trying not to smile and not quite succeeding.
"I won't tell if you don't," Lu Han says, not bothering to hide his own smile.
Minseok glances at the door, remembering too late that he has a roommate. "I
think Jinki already knows, but I won't tell anyone else." Then he laughs. "I
guess my mom was right about you, huh? You really did want in my pants."
Lu Han laughs too, and he's sweaty and gross and there are a lot of things to
worry about, but he's had an amazing day and Minseok is grinning at him and he
doesn't care about anything else.
 
The trouble is, there's not much that Lu Han really strongly cares about. He
likes soccer and learning Korean and Peppermint, and his new university friends
and his old friends in China, but he really, really likes Minseok, and that's
frightening. He might even say he's in love with Minseok, but he can't be.
They've only been friends for a few years, and only been more for a few weeks.
People don't fall in love that fast outside of cheesy movies and romance
novels.
It's not that he's not happy. He is, really, really happy whenever he's with
Minseok, and even when he's not and he just thinks about Minseok. But he's
overwhelmed by how happy he is, and by how much he likes, maybe loves Minseok.
He says he loves Peppermint, but that's easy, loving idols he'll never really
know from a safe distance away. That's not really love. Really loving someone,
someone who likes (but probably doesn't yet love) you back is a lot scarier.
He wants to talk to someone about it, to ask, "Is it normal to fall this head
over heels for someone you just started dating?" But it's usually Minseok he
goes to to talk about the things that are embarrassing to discuss with his
other friends, and Minseok is the last person he wants to ask. Besides, he's
afraid he already knows the answer. He's afraid to hear that he is abnormal, in
ways that have nothing to do with liking men or being a fanboy or having a
strange sense of humor.
And he's afraid, too, that if having Minseok makes him this happy, not having
him would crush him. He's listened to a lot of songs about love, but he's
listened to a lot about heartbreak too, and he knows that the more you love,
the more it can hurt later. Just thinking about losing Minseok, quite possibly
as his friend too, if it came to that, is honestly terrifying.
He tries to tell himself he's being ridiculous, that he should just go with it
and let himself be happy instead of worrying about what's normal or what might
happen down the line. And sometimes he does, sometimes he spends time with
Minseok and forgets to be anything but happy. But sometimes Minseok smiles at
him and it feels like his heart will explode from all the feelings in it, and
sometimes they're apart and he misses Minseok way more than he thinks he should
and it just plain freaks him out.
Lu Han goes home to Beijing for two weeks in the winter, with promises he fully
intends to keep to talk to Minseok online. The first day, they're both busy,
but the second, there's an e-mail in his inbox from Minseok. I miss you, he's
written, but there's a winking face to show he's not too serious about it. Lu
Han misses him a lot already, and he thinks if he writes back, no amount of
winking faces will camouflage that.
So he doesn't reply, even though he wants to, and even though he feels bad
about it. He spends time with his parents and his friends and avoids his
laptop, and suddenly it's been four days and there's another e-mail in his
inbox. Are you alive? I didn't think anything less than death could keep you
off the internet for this long.
Sorry, I've been busy, Lu Han writes back, feeling too guilty not to. I'm not
dead, I promise.
Minseok replies a few hours later, just a short e-mail about what he's been
doing and a link to Peppermint's Christmas message in case Lu Han missed it
while he was dead. There's nothing to worry about there, but Lu Han clicks
reply and then stares at the e-mail box and doesn't write anything.
Another four days pass, but this time Minseok doesn't write again. Maybe he
assumes Lu Han is still busy, though he's really not. Maybe he's busy and isn't
paying attention to his e-mail or how many days it's been without a reply.
Maybe for him, unlike Lu Han, it's easy to go four days without talking.
That's how it starts, with little, unfounded seeds of doubt. The more intense
Lu Han's feelings get, the more he finds himself doubting Minseok's, wondering
if he doesn't really want this, or at least doesn't care much either way. It's
stupid because Minseok is the one who started this thing between them, and
because he's never hesitated to tell Lu Han before when he did something
Minseok didn't like. But it's not a reasonable feeling, and so he can't turn it
off.
Minseok meets him in the airport when he goes back to Korea, and he makes a
joke about thinking Lu Han forgot about him, but they laugh it off and
everything is fine. But then classes start up again and Lu Han keeps finding
excuses not to see Minseok, studying or other plans. It's not that he doesn't
want to see Minseok, quite the opposite, but it's simpler, if not actually
easier, to stay away.
In Lu Han's first month back, they only hang out five times, which is nothing
compared to how they were meeting almost every day before. The fifth time only
happens because Minseok insists that he doesn't care if Lu Han has to study,
they can both sit there with their books and not talk, and when he arrives at
Lu Han's apartment, Minseok bluntly asks, "Are you avoiding me?"
"What? No!" Lu Han immediately protests, the words coming automatically even
though he's aware it's a lie.
"Then what's going on? You can't suddenly be that much busier."
"My classes are getting harder, that's all." The lie is smoother than Lu Han
thought it would be, but Minseok still doesn't look convinced.
"You always talked to me about stuff before," Minseok says, frowning a little.
"Don't stop now just because things are different between us."
"I won't," Lu Han promises. It's another lie, but Minseok doesn't object.
They study for a while, or at least pretend to, and then they watch a movie,
and then they have sex and in the heat of the moment, Lu Han can forget about
all the complications. But after, when they're lying together on his bed and he
never wants to leave, he can't help thinking.
Minseok has his back to him, pressed against Lu Han's chest, and like this, Lu
Han could almost bring himself to ask the questions swirling around in his
head, to put it all out there so he wouldn't be dealing with it alone. He could
almost be brave enough, and then maybe it would be okay. But only almost, and
that's not enough.
Minseok kisses him one more time before he leaves. "Call me, okay?" he says,
and Lu Han tells his last lie of the night when he nods.
 
It's another three weeks of that before they hit the breaking point. Lu Han is
home on a Saturday afternoon after he told Minseok he had plans when there's a
knock on his door. He opens it, and there is an angry-looking Minseok. "Busy,
huh?" he asks. Lu Han winces, caught, and steps back to let Minseok come
inside.
Once the door is closed, Minseok looks right at him and says, "If you didn't
want to be together, all you had to do was say so."
"What?" Lu Han asks. He's probably an idiot, because it makes sense that
Minseok would think that, but it's still a shock to hear it.
"I thought at first that maybe you really were just busier," Minseok continues,
unimpressed with Lu Han's reaction. "You seemed happy whenever we did manage to
hang out. But it's like I have to practically beg to see you now, and whenever
I say that I miss you or anything like that, you get all shifty and won't look
at me." He frowns deeply, and guilt twists in Lu Han's chest. "I'm sorry if I
pushed you into this, but I really thought you wanted it too, and I thought we
were good enough friends that you'd tell me if you didn't instead of stringing
me along like this. I sure as hell didn't think you'd flat-out lie to avoid
me."
Lu Han flinches at that. "I'm sorry," he says. There's so much more to be said,
but he's no good with words, and he doesn't know where to begin. How can he
explain that it's not that he doesn't want this, but that he wants it too much?
Minseok doesn't give him a chance to figure it out. "You know, forget it. If
you don't even care enough to tell me the truth, then I guess we're not even as
good friends as I thought. I'll save you the trouble of avoiding me and not
call you anymore."
And just like that, he turns on his heel, and he's out the door before Lu Han
can even begin to find the words to stop him.
 
In the days that follow, Lu Han is lost. He keeps looking at his phone and his
e-mail, waiting for contact from Minseok that never comes. Sometimes he brings
up Minseok's number and thinks about calling him, but in the end, he can never
bring himself to do it. And somehow, the days keep passing and soon it's over
two weeks since he talked to Minseok at all.
It a Thursday night when Peppermint releases a new music video teaser, and Lu
Han automatically grabs his phone to ask Minseok to watch it with him before he
remembers. Right then, staring at the link on his computer screen and the
silent phone in his hand, is when it really sinks in, that he's screwed up
everything and maybe lost Minseok entirely, and it's all he can do not to burst
into tears. Instead, he throws his phone at the wall (and thankfully misses so
it hits his pillow and doesn't break).
But time just keeps moving, and though he thinks a lot about Minseok, he's just
too scared or too unsure of how to fix this to make a move, and before he knows
it a full month has passed. It's not a good month, because even if Lu Han isn't
alone, Minseok has been at the center of his life here in Seoul from the
beginning and it feels empty without him. It hurts, and he can't blame anyone
but himself. There's a little part of him that wants to, feels like Minseok
should know him well enough to understand what he can't say, but mostly, he
knows it's his mistake and his to fix or give up on.
Finally, Lu Han decides he needs to do something. He doesn't know what he'll
say or if it'll do any good, but he needs to talk to Minseok and try, at least.
The next weekend, he gathers up every drop of courage he has and makes his way
unannounced to Minseok's apartment. His roommate answers the door, looking
singularly unimpressed when he sees Lu Han. "I don't know if I should let you
in."
"Please," Lu Han says, and he must sound either sincere or pathetic enough
because Jinki grudgingly moves aside.
The door to Minseok's room opens as Lu Han steps inside. His expression is hard
to read, but he says, "Come on," and Lu Han goes over to join him.
He sits on Minseok's bed like he has so many times before, but Minseok sits at
his desk instead of next to him. He waits silently until Lu Han says, "I'm
sorry. About everything."
Silence. When Lu Han doesn't continue after a while, Minseok says, "And?"
"And I want to explain, but I just, I'm not..." He sighs. "I'm not good at
this. Words. Especially Korean words, but it's just hard to talk about things."
"Yeah, well, sometimes you have to," Minseok says, unsympathetic.
"I know," Lu Han says, hanging his head. "I shouldn't have avoided you like
that. I should've told you the truth."
"And what is the truth?"
Lu Han is this close to saying everything he's been thinking about the last few
months, spilling out all his feelings for Minseok and seeing what comes of it.
He opens his mouth and what comes out is, "I think it's better if we're
friends. Just friends. We're really good as friends."
He tries not to see the way Minseok's face falls. "Oh," he says in a small
voice. "Okay."
"I really like you," Lu Han continues, ignoring the voice in his head
screaming, What are you doing?! "But it's just...not good like that. If you
still want to, if you don't hate me, I'd like to be friends."
Minseok presses his lips together, taking a deep breath in and out. "I'm still
kind of pissed off at you," he says slowly, considering. "And I'm not..." He
trails off, frowning. "But I miss you. And if that's what you really want, then
okay. Let's try to be friends again."
"Really?" In spite of his frustration with himself and this whole mess, Lu Han
can't help being excited. He's missed Minseok enough that being just friends
sounds wonderful, compared to being nothing.
"Yeah." Then Minseok gives a wry little smile. "But you've got some groveling
to do to make it up to me."
And this isn't what he wanted, but seeing Minseok smiling at him for the first
time in too long and being able to smile back without being afraid of losing at
him, Lu Han is happy all the same.
 
They do stay friends, in spite of the occasional awkwardness, and it's more
like a sad love song than the ones Lu Han really likes, but at least he doesn't
have to be afraid of losing Minseok completely. It's not until their last year
of university with graduation approaching frighteningly fast that Lu Han is
brave enough or grown up enough or maybe just too panicked about the future to
worry about anything else and he decides to tell Minseok the truth about what
happened before, and about his real feelings.
Even then, he has to get pretty drunk before he can convince himself to sit
down too close to Minseok and ask, "Can I talk to you?" They're in Minseok's
apartment, so they go into his bedroom, and his friends know better than to say
anything.
"What is it?" Minseok asks warily. He's drunk too, but not so drunk that he
can't tell something's going on.
"I need to tell you something," Lu Han starts, hoping his mouth won't betray
him like it did before. He doesn't have a clue what will happen if he tells
Minseok everything, but after so long, he owes it to both of them. "Something I
probably should've told you a long time ago. Do you remember...when I said we
should stay friends?"
Minseok's laugh is just this side of bitter. "Of course I remember."
"I lied," Lu Han says. He's surprised at how easily it comes out. "I didn't
want to, but I tried to tell you the truth and I couldn't."
"What do you mean?" Minseok is tense, uncomfortable, and it makes Lu Han feel
guilty.
"I didn't want to be friends. Not just friends. That's not why I avoided you. I
did it because I was really...crazy about you. I liked you too much and I
freaked out. And I wanted to tell you, but I got too scared and I didn't." He
doesn't look at Minseok as he speaks, because it's hard enough to say this as
it is. When he finally finishes, he raises his eyes, and Minseok looks...angry.
This isn't good.
"What the hell?" he says. He's not yelling, but he's clearly not happy. "Why
are you telling me this now?"
"I..." It's a valid point, one he's tried to avoid thinking too hard about. "I
didn't like having that secret between us. And I guess I thought maybe..."
"Oh, fuck that," Minseok says, a lot more harshly than Lu Han's expecting.
"Fuck you. You don't get to tell me you're not interested and I need to get
over you so we can be friends again and then suddenly decide years later that
you changed your mind."
"I-I'm sorry," Lu Han stammers. Maybe he should've see this coming, Minseok's
anger, but he's taken aback all the same. He didn't necessarily expect Minseok
to fall into his arms, but he didn't think he'd be this mad.
"You should be," Minseok snaps. "I was so happy when we got together, and then
all of a sudden you went, 'Oops, just kidding' and I thought I'd screwed it up
somehow. I didn't want to lose you so I said okay to being just friends, but it
hurt, and now you're telling me it was just because you couldn't deal with your
feelings and couldn't even tell me that?"
"I'm really sorry," Lu Han says, wishing he'd never said anything at all.
"If you thought I was just going to let it go and fall madly in love with you,
you can forget it." Minseok's tone is still sharp, but his anger already seems
to be fading. "You told me to get over you, and so I did. We can't go back."
Lu Han's heart sinks. He should have seen it coming, and he has no one to blame
but himself, but it still hurts. "I understand," he says quietly. "I'm sorry I
messed it up for both of us. I just didn't want to lie to you anymore."
"Well, never fucking do it again," Minseok says, emphasizing each word. He
stops and rubs a hand over his face, but when he looks up, he smiles. "We made
it this far, right? So let's stay friends after we graduate, and whatever
happens."
"I can do that," Lu Han says, returning the smile. He does, and they do stay
friends, but never again anything more.
 
 
10
 
It's a freezing cold night after a relatively warm day, and the roads are
covered with ice. Minseok would rather be safe at home, but he has to get there
first, so he has no choice but to drive in these conditions. He goes slowly and
cautiously and it's scary, but it seems like he'll be all right.
Then there's a sharp curve, and maybe he takes it a little too fast or maybe
the conditions are just too bad, but he skids on ice and loses control. It all
happens so fast that he barely has time to register bright lights coming
straight at him before there's an explosion of pain and then everything goes
dark.
He wakes up in a hospital, his mind fuzzy with painkillers and maybe more. His
mother is sitting by his bed and her eyes are red, tear tracks still drying on
her cheeks. "You're awake!" she gasps when she notices, fresh tears welling up
in her eyes.
"What happened?" he asks.
He's not in great shape, so it's not until three days later when the doctors
are pretty sure that there's nothing wrong with his brain that they tell him
about the other driver, who didn't survive the crash. "The police have ruled it
an accident. It's not your fault," his mother tells him, as if that will erase
the overwhelming feeling of guilt.
The dead man's name is Lu Han, and the grainy picture in the newspaper shows a
smiling guy who looks young but is apparently the same age as Minseok. His
death is only worth two sentences in the paper, along with one about the
unnamed other driver who was seriously injured but survived. Nothing about what
kind of person he was or why he was out on the streets that night or what made
him smile like he is in that picture.
Minseok cuts out the article and keeps it for the rest of his life, but he
doesn't need to because he never forgets that name or that forever unchanging
smile.
 
 
11
Prince Lu Han is sixteen when they tell him he's to have a new companion. He's
from Korea and he's not royalty, but he's the kind of nobility that's close to
it. "His grandfather was the cousin of the previous king," Lu Han's tutor
explains. "That makes him too far down the line of succession to have any
power, but he's still politically significant. We should all do our best to
impress him." There is an implied "and not to offend him" at the end of that
sentence, even though Lu Han has outgrown the wild days of his youth when he
would occasionally forget himself and laugh at visiting dignitaries.
There's a month of preparation in which Lu Han brushes up on Korean language
and culture. He asks everyone who might know to tell him more about the Korean
boy (Man? The empress is always telling Lu Han that he's not a child anymore)
who'll be coming to the palace, but all anyone can tell him is his relationship
to the king and that he's the same age as Lu Han, nothing about his personality
or his interests.
He finds himself nervous but also eager. He's always been lonely, here in the
palace. He has no brothers or sisters, and when your parents are the emperor
and empress of China, you don't get to spend much time with them. He's had the
occasional playmate, cousins or the children of nobles in favor with the
Emperor, but no one ever stayed for long, and even when he did have company, he
had to keep an appropriate polite distance between them or risk getting
scolded. A prince may have friends, if he's lucky, but not the kind of close
friends that commoners have. No one is allowed to be that familiar with him.
There's no reason to believe things will be any different just because his new
companion is a Korean noble, but he doesn't even need a playmate now. He'd
settle for someone to talk to who isn't a servant or his tutor, even if it's
only about impersonal topics like the weather and Korean traditions.
 
Kim Minseok arrives with all the fanfare due a visiting noble. He's dressed in
a well-tailored hanbok, but somehow it seems to dwarf him, which Lu Han thinks
is adorable. He's good looking, in Lu Han's opinion, but in an interesting sort
of way, not like Korea's crown prince with his perfect but bland face. He bows
politely, and Lu Han bows back, but not too low. Their eyes don't meet, but Lu
Han doesn't mind too much. They'll have time for real introductions later, when
fewer eyes are watching them.
Lu Han says the polite words he's rehearsed in Korean and Minseok gives his
thanks but doesn't smile. That's no surprise, given that Lu Han's own
expression has been carefully neutral the whole time. They're both well-
trained, it seems, though he thinks he catches a hint of nervousness in the
Korean visitor's tense posture.
He's definitely nervous later when he sits down for a meal with the royal
family and a few favored nobles, stumbling over his Mandarin and trying not to
look embarrassed about it. The emperor and empress ask him a few questions
before beginning to talk business with the nobles, as is usually the case in
these dinners. Lu Han sits quietly unless spoken to, as usual, and Minseok
seems relieved to do the same.
After dinner, Lu Han hurries back to his chambers (in a calm and dignified
manner, of course) where he's supposed to have a more private audience with
Minseok. He shows up after fifteen minutes, still in his formal attire, and Lu
Han greets him in slightly less formal but still very polite Korean.
"I'm grateful that you speak to me in my language," Minseok tells him. "I
apologize that I can't speak yours equally well."
Lu Han politely brushes off the compliment, but on the inside he's pleased.
He's worked hard to learn all the languages it was deemed important for him to
know, but Korean is his favorite, and it's rare that he gets a chance to speak
it with anyone but his tutor.
Once they've exchanged greetings, Lu Han invites him to sit down, and Minseok
looks relieved. He's probably tired, traveling from Korea and having to walk
around in bulky traditional garments. "Did you have a pleasant trip?" Lu Han
asks.
"Yes, of course." Even though he's sitting down, Minseok's speech is no more
relaxed. "I was well taken care of."
"I've always wanted to travel to Korea," Lu Han says, and Minseok looks
surprised at the admission before he covers it up.
"I hope you have the chance someday," he says. "It's a beautiful country, in my
biased opinion."
They talk for a while, all about shallow topics like travel and the Korean
language. It's boring, but Lu Han can't risk offending him on their first
meeting. "I'm sorry," Minseok says after a while, when there's a lull in the
conversation. "I know how to address the crown prince of Korea and the proper
title for you in Mandarin, but I'm not sure what to call you when we're
speaking Korean."
Lu Han doesn't know either, and it makes him want to laugh because so much
about their interaction was planned for, but not something as simple as that.
He wants to tell Minseok to just use his name, but that won't do when there are
servants around. "I don't know," he admits sheepishly, and a tiny burst of
laughter escapes Minseok before he can stop himself. "I'll have to get back to
you about that."
"I understand," Minseok says, struggling to hide his amusement. "Thank you."
The rest of their conversation is unremarkable, and soon Minseok goes back to
his quarters, leaving Lu Han to his thoughts. He doesn't know what to make of
Minseok because it's almost impossible to read personality into a stiff
conversation like the one they had, but the laugh intrigues him. If Minseok is
not so well-trained that he doesn't still laugh, even when he shouldn't, then
maybe there's a chance they can break past those barriers of formality and be
at least something approaching friends.
 
For two weeks, they continue with those kinds of conversations, along with the
occasional walk around the palace while discussing its history and
architecture. Lu Han is bored out of his mind and he really wants to venture
beyond that, but he's nervous. He knows perfectly well that Minseok isn't just
here to keep a lonely prince company. His presence is political, a way to
demonstrate cooperation and friendship between their two countries. If he does
anything to offend Minseok or his entourage, it'll reflect badly not just on
him but on the emperor and empress and the entire country. He doesn't think
he'll cause an international incident by asking Minseok what he likes to do for
fun, but any kind of more casual interaction carries risks.
Then his tutor (who's been teaching him for so many years that he's allowed to
be a little forward with Lu Han) tells him, "I've been hearing talk that our
Korean visitor seems unhappy."
"Unhappy?" Lu Han asks, surprised. Minseok hasn't shown any indication of that
in the time they spend together, but that means nothing. Lu Han should know;
he's kept a polite smile on his face many times despite being sad or sick or
angry.
"Perhaps he's homesick," his tutor suggests. "He struggles with our language,
and of course there are cultural differences."
"I see." Lu Han frowns. Though Minseok isn't entirely his responsibility, he is
officially Lu Han's guest more than anyone else's, and if he wants people to
take him seriously as an adult, he can't mess up something as simple as keeping
a guest happy. "I'll talk to him."
 
He has lunch with Minseok after his morning lessons, but there are too many
servants involved in that for him to feel comfortable asking anything about how
he's doing. He waits until they're finished eating and then plasters on his
best polished but meaningless princely smile before saying, "If you have a
moment to spare to come into my room, I have a book I'd like to show you."
Minseok looks bemused, as do all the attendants, but he smiles politely in
response and says, "Of course."
Lu Han leads him into the other room, closing the door in the face of their
still perplexed attendants, and Minseok's neutral expression falters as
confusion flashes over his face. "Sorry about that," Lu Han tells him. "I just
wanted to talk alone for once." He turns his best princely smile on Minseok,
the sweet one he knows has girls all over the country falling for him, which
only seems to confuse him more.
"I'm really tired of talking about the weather and about how fascinating
Chinese traditions are," Lu Han continues, plopping indelicately down on the
edge of his bed. "Do you like soccer?"
"Soccer?" Minseok echoes. He's still standing stiffly like he doesn't know what
to do with himself.
"The sport where people kick a ball around and try to get it into the goal?"
Minseok's eyes go wide at his sarcastic tone, and then, suddenly, he bursts out
laughing. He stops quickly, though; there are people right outside the door who
are sure to hear that. "Don't look so surprised," Lu Han tells him. "Even
princes can be sarcastic."
"And here I thought you were one of those noble types who's always polite and
never has an opinion about anything." Minseok still looks dazed, and after he
finishes speaking he looks worried, like he's realized too late that he's being
too informal with the crown prince.
"I'm supposed to be," Lu Han says, "but I'm not very good at it." He can look
like the perfect prince, and as long as everything he's saying is planned and
rehearsed, he can even sound like it, but as soon as he's left to his own
devices, he tends to say something stupid or put his foot in his mouth or laugh
inappropriately all too quickly. It's a miracle that he's managed to avoid it
with Minseok during the last two weeks.
"Me neither," Minseok admits. "And I'm not used to doing it all the time
either. It's really stressful."
"Is that why you're not happy here?" Lu Han asks. He keeps the question casual,
but it's still prying beyond the usual bounds of politeness.
The silence lasts one awkward beat too long before Minseok asks, "Who says I'm
not happy?"
"I've been hearing talk," Lu Han explains. "Relax, you're not in trouble.
People are just concerned. You're our guest and we don't want you to be unhappy
here."
"I'm not unhappy," Minseok says, with almost believable conviction. Lu Han
gives him a look, and holds it until he caves. "All right, I'm a little
unhappy, but it's nothing to worry about. I'm just a long way from home and I
don't speak the language well and...well, I thought you were a lot more
unemotional and boring than you actually are. I was worried that I'd be stuck
spending who knows how long with someone like that."
"Me too," Lu Han says, and Minseok laughs again, more quietly this time. "We
have to behave when other people are around, of course, but you don't have to
be so polite all the time, you know? I'd like it if we can be friends." He
smiles shyly at Minseok, because the fact of the matter is that he's never had
to say anything like that, with plenty of people wanting to be his friend, at
least in name, but for all the wrong reasons.
"Friends?" Minseok asks, like he can't quite wrap his mind around the concept.
"Yes," Lu Han says, "friends. Even princes can have friends, can't they?"
"I don't know," Minseok says, still not sounding convinced. "Can they?"
For a moment, Lu Han's heart starts to sink, but then he notices the twinkle in
Minseok's eye. His jaw drops (in that way that everyone tells him is
unflattering and should be avoided at all costs), and Minseok grins, so Lu Han
throws an expensive silk-covered pillow at him. "Don't make me regret this," he
says.
 
But he doesn't, not for an instant. They have to behave themselves, of course,
but they manage to talk about safe but more interesting topics during their
supervised time together, and whenever Lu Han can manage it, he sneaks some
private time with Minseok. They talk about sports and music and studying and
family and royalty and politics, usually in Korean but with more Mandarin mixed
in as Minseok's studies progress.
And when he's really sure no one is listening, Lu Han talks about how lonely it
is to be the crown prince, how he's only ever really had the company of adults,
most of them subservient to him. Minseok doesn't understand, but he listens and
nods and doesn't offer platitudes or pity. "I guess that's why I'm here," he
says. "Partly, anyway."
Lu Han nods, and then he smiles widely. "I'm glad," he says.
He worries for a moment that that's the wrong thing to say, since it's not like
it was Minseok's choice to leave his home and come here, but then he smiles
back and says, "Me too."
 
It's a few months later when Minseok asks, out of the blue, "Do you have a
fiancée? Someone you're going to marry when you're old enough?" When Lu Han
looks at him in surprise, he explains, "The crown prince in Korea does. That's
why I wondered."
"Oh," Lu Han says. "No, I don't yet. But in a few years, probably." He shrugs
disinterestedly. It's not that he doesn't ever think about it, but he's known
his whole life that he'd eventually marry someone politically useful, and since
he doesn't have any opportunity to date, it's not like he has other prospects.
Maybe it's weird that he's not more interested in girls and dating, but it's
easier for him if he's not; it's never been an option. "Do you?" he asks.
Minseok shakes his head. "I'm not important enough for that," he says dryly,
"unless some other country has a princess they really want me to marry. My
parents told me that as long as I find a decent girl and keep the family line
going, it can be my choice who she is."
"Lucky," Lu Han says with a smile.
"Yeah," Minseok agrees, but there's something weird about the way he says it.
This conversation is threatening to get too serious, so Lu Han digs an elbow in
Minseok's ribs, drawing a surprised yelp from him. They've gotten comfortable
with each other over time, but touching is still pretty off limits, so it's not
surprising that Minseok looks shocked. "No fair," he whines. "I can't hit back
when you're the prince."
"I won't tell," Lu Han says with an impish grin, but he's still startled when
Minseok promptly punches him in the shoulder, not hard enough to really hurt,
but not nothing either.
"That's what you get," Minseok says, but he looks a little worried until Lu Han
responds with a full-body tackle. Then he gives up on being restrained and
fights back, with more strength than Lu Han would expect since he's the smaller
of the two of them.
Their tussle doesn't last long, because they both still have some sense of
propriety and the last thing they need is to explain an accidental injury, but
they're both grinning when they pull apart. "Please never tell anyone that
happened," Minseok says, unable to hide his amusement. "I'll get in so much
trouble."
"Yes, how dare you touch my princely body?" Lu Han says, deadpan. "The horror."
Minseok laughs again. "You're really not at all what I expected," he says.
"You thought I'd be much more respectable?" Lu Han asks.
"Yes," Minseok says, "and also that you'd look like less of a moron when you
laugh."
Lu Han hits him again, and feels very happy.
 
The problem with letting go around Minseok is that Lu Han gets too used to it.
He's happy having someone he can talk to casually and without worrying too much
about saying the wrong thing, someone who'll tell him when he's being an idiot
and even hit him if Lu Han does it first and they're absolutely sure no one can
see. He's done without that for more or less his whole life, but suddenly the
thought of being without it makes him feel terribly sad and lonely.
"Did anyone tell you how long you're going to stay here?" Lu Han asks one day.
"I couldn't get a straight answer about it."
Minseok shakes his head. "I tried asking too, but it sounds like nobody really
knows. Until there's a reason for me to be back in Korea or the emperor and
empress decide they don't want me here anymore. Maybe years, maybe not."
"You don't care?" Lu Han asks. He can't imagine leaving home with no idea if or
when he'd be back. "Don't you miss your family?"
"I do," Minseok says. "But I'm not that homesick anymore, now that I've gotten
used to being here, and anyway, I'm sure I'll be allowed to visit eventually."
"That's true," Lu Han says, even though what he really wants to say is 'Please
don't leave me.'
"And you want to know a secret?" Minseok adds. "I'd miss you if I went home
now." He says it in a teasing tone, but Lu Han has no reason to think he
doesn't mean it.
"I guess I'm stuck with you, then," Lu Han responds with a dramatic sigh, and
for the first time Minseok hits him first. Then he winces, realizing what he
did, and Lu Han laughs. "I'll forgive you this time," he says in a more
princely tone, "but don't make of a habit of it."
"Yes, your highness," Minseok says, bowing a little, but Lu Han can see even
with him looking down that he's still smiling.
 
It's nearly eight months since Minseok came to the palace and all the
attendants and advisors and even the emperor and empress (who inevitably did
find out) have resigned themselves to Lu Han wanting and getting time alone
with him. It's not quite proper, but Lu Han's tutor tells him, hiding a small
smile, that everyone is pleased to see their beloved prince happy, even if it
means bending the rules a little bit.
Lu Han relays that to Minseok, who smiles, embarrassed and pleased and a little
mocking all at the same time. "Good," he says. "Sneaking around makes me
nervous, and obviously we're not very good at it."
So Lu Han gives up on making excuses and just asks that they be left alone, and
they laugh a little more carelessly than before, and they're happy. Or Lu Han
is, anyway, and he hopes he's not imagining that Minseok is too.
 
Minseok is the one who makes the first move, surprising both himself an Lu Han.
They're not doing anything special, just sitting and talking, a little too
close together because Lu Han likes to sit like that, when he can. Lu Han's
talking, something rambling about his birthday party the year before (since
plans are getting underway for this year's party), and out of the blue Minseok
leans forward and kisses him. He doesn't quite get Lu Han's lips, just barely
the corner of his mouth, but the intent is pretty clear.
Right after he does it, Minseok's eyes go wide and he quickly gets to his feet,
backing away. Lu Han's reaction is slower. He touches the corner of his mouth
with two fingers, brow furrowing in confusion.
"I'm sorry," Minseok says nervously. "I shouldn't have done that."
Lu Han blinks, noticing Minseok's panicked reaction for the first time. "It's
okay," he says quickly. "You know I don't mind you touching me."
"That wasn't exactly..." Minseok winces, and Lu Han can't help smiling at the
expression; he's cute when he's worried.
"It's fine," Lu Han insists. "Really. It's just that no one's ever kissed me
before."
"And nobody's supposed to," Minseok points out, still looking worried.
"Especially not a guy," Lu Han adds, continuing right on with his train of
thought, and Minseok flinches again. "Have you kissed a guy before?"
Minseok's expression in response to that very eloquently says "What the hell?"
"Aren't you supposed to be mad at me?" he asks. "Or disgusted or ready to throw
me in the dungeon..."
Lu Han laughs at that, even though Minseok doesn't look like he's joking.
"Nobody gets thrown in the dungeon anymore. And I'm not disgusted. I mean, I've
never kissed a guy, obviously, but..." He's not really sure how to explain it.
It's not something he's thought about before, and yet now that he has, it
doesn't feel strange at all. It doesn't feel like the first time he's even
considered kissing a man, more like a done deal, like he already knows it's a
good thing for him. That's probably weird, but he feels inexplicably
comfortable with it.
Minseok still looks nervous after that, but when Lu Han keeps smiling at him,
he finally says, slowly, hesitantly, "It's really...okay?
"Well, other people wouldn't like it," Lu Han concedes. "But they wouldn't like
that I let you touch me other ways or talk to me informally, or even that we
spend time alone together. As long as it's just us, it's okay."
"But..." Minseok still can't seem to accept that answer. "Do you even...?"
Lu Han cocks his head curiously, not sure what he's asking. "What?"
"Like men," Minseok says. His cheeks are a little pink, but he doesn't look
away. "Like me."
"I like you!" Lu Han says immediately, but of course he's not talking about it
the way Minseok means. Or is he? "I never thought about it, but it's not like
I'd let just anyone get so close to me."
"You said yourself you've never really had a companion your age for long,"
Minseok points out, reasonably enough.
Lu Han frowns, wondering how to explain feelings he doesn't really understand
himself. "No. I haven't. But you're..." Different. Special. He can't say why,
but it does seem true. "I don't know. But if you tried to kiss me again, I
wouldn't say no."
"Can't you do it?" Minseok asks, making a face. "At least that way I can say
you started it."
Lu Han laughs, but he gestures for Minseok to sit next to him again, and when
he does, Lu Han leans in and kisses him, properly on the mouth this time. He's
a little unsure, because he doesn't know the first thing about kissing and it
seems like Minseok does, but it feels good when their lips meet, and when
Minseok's part against his, he does the same. It doesn't get much farther than
that this time, their mouths separating and then meeting again a few times, but
when they break apart, Minseok is smiling, and Lu Han matches the expression.
"I should go," Minseok says reluctantly, still very close to Lu Han. "It's
almost time for my Mandarin lesson."
"Okay," Lu Han says, leaning in for one more brief kiss. "But we'll continue
this another time?" He's still unsure, in a way a prince has no business being,
but Minseok's smile widens in response.
"Definitely," Minseok agrees. "I'll see you soon."
 
Lu Han is excited to meet Minseok for lunch the next day. He hasn't been able
to stop thinking about what happened, about Minseok's lips warm against his and
his smile when they said goodbye. Until now, he never cared much that he hadn't
kissed anyone, but now that it's happened, he very much wants to kiss Minseok
again.
He's not so naive as to not realize that it's a complicated situation, that
kissing Minseok isn't something he should be doing, and not just because no one
is supposed to touch the prince. But they've been getting away with so much,
being alone together and laughing and speaking informally and touching in a
platonic sort of way, that maybe he's come to take it for granted a little, to
assume that no one will bother them if they don't step too obviously out of
line.
He can tell, when Minseok shows up, that he's thinking about it too. He can't
quite look at Lu Han and sometimes his cheeks get a little flushed or he
stumbles over his words. Nobody seems to notice, or if they do they're too
well-trained to show it, but Lu Han hopes they can't guess the reason behind
his behavior. He's relieved when they finish eating and he and Minseok can have
some time alone, as usual.
Once they're alone, Minseok flops dramatically onto the bed. "Did I sound as
awkward as I felt out there?" he asks, covering his face with his hands. Then,
as often happens, he catches himself and sits up, looking over at Lu Han to
make sure his behavior isn't going too far.
Lu Han, for his part, laughs as he sits on the bed near Minseok's feet. "You
were kind of awkward," he confirms. "It was cute."
Minseok, satisfied that he hasn't offended Lu Han, covers his face with his
hands again. "This is a terrible idea. I'm so bad at this. Everyone's going to
know the second they look at me and I'm going to be in so much trouble."
"Relax," Lu Han says, putting a hand on Minseok's leg since it's what he can
reach. "No one will know because they have no reason to think there's anything
going on between their innocent little prince and his friend."
"Innocent," Minseok scoffs. "But I guess you kind of are, if you just got your
first kiss at sixteen."
"Shut up," Lu Han grumbles, giving Minseok's thigh a pinch in retaliation. "You
try and date while spending all your time locked up in the palace."
"I don't mind," Minseok says, sitting up and scooting closer to Lu Han. His
voice drops lower in both volume and pitch and Lu Han really likes the sound of
it. "It's nice, knowing that I'm your first in everything." Then he promptly
ruins the effect by making his Shit, did I go too far? face and saying "Um, I
mean, we don't...uh, that is..."
Lu Han laughs at him again. "You're cute when you're freaking out," he says,
and shows how much he's not offended by leaning in for a kiss. Then he murmurs,
"It sounds nice, you being my first," just to see the way Minseok's cheeks
flush darker up close. He's not sure how much he means it when he only had his
first kiss yesterday, but he doesn't mind the idea.
For now, he leans in again to kiss Minseok in earnest. He still doesn't know
what he's doing, but once he makes it clear what he wants, Minseok takes over,
bring a hand up to cup Lu Han's neck as he deepens the kiss. There are tongues
involved now and it doesn't seem like it should feel this good, but it does. Lu
Han fists his hands in the sides of Minseok's shirt and lets himself get lost
in the kiss.
He doesn't know how long they've been kissing when suddenly there's a knock on
the door. They break apart, Minseok moving away so fast he almost falls off the
bed and Lu Han has to grab his arm. He drops it as soon as Minseok is stable
and moves a respectable distance away. "What is it?" he asks, hoping there's
nothing in his voice to give him away.
"The emperor's lunch appointment finished early so he requested that we fetch
you now for the meeting regarding your birthday celebration," says one of the
stewards.
Lu Han's relieved to know that it's nothing bad, but also annoyed because this
means he has to stop kissing Minseok, and a little worried that it'll be
completely obvious what he's been doing in here. "I'll be out in a moment," he
calls back, then turns to Minseok, who looks a little panicked even though they
haven't been caught. "Do I look okay?" he asks quietly, patting his hair.
Minseok reaches out with both hands and smoothes Lu Han's hair out. "You're
fine," he says. "Just..." He makes a gesture of wiping his lips, and Lu Han
does it, though he doesn't think it'll make much difference.
"Fix your shirt," he tells Minseok, who hurries to tuck it neatly back in.
"Okay." Then, reluctantly, "Tomorrow?" Minseok nods, and Lu Han gets to his
feet, heading out the door and off to meet his father.
 
The emperor looks displeased when Lu Han arrives, but the emperor often looks
displeased, especially after an audience, so that doesn't mean he's angry with
Lu Han. "Have a seat," he says, and Lu Han does as he's told.
It's difficult to focus as another steward outlines the plan so far to
celebrate Lu Han's birthday when he'd much rather think about what he was doing
before he was summoned here. He can still feel Minseok's lips on his, and he
presses them together, remembering. Luckily, everyone is used to him
occasionally spacing out, so no one is surprised when he completely fails to
notice the steward asking him a question.
"Prince," says the emperor, just a tiny bit sharp, and Lu Han snaps to
attention.
"I'm sorry," he says immediately. "You had a question?"
The question is about Minseok's birthday, which Lu Han knows is less than a
month before his. "We don't wish to eclipse your celebration in any way," the
steward says in his usual extremely formal way, "but it would likely make a
positive impression if we acknowledge his birthday along with yours in some
way. Would that be acceptable to you?"
"I don't mind," Lu Han says. In reality, he not only doesn't mind but is
excited at the prospect of sharing his party with Minseok, but it wouldn't be
seemly to say that.
"I've been told that you and our Korean visitor have been getting along well,"
says the emperor. Lu Han searches for some hint of reproach in his tone, but he
seems to mean it.
"Yes, we have," Lu Han tells him. "I'm grateful that you brought him here."
Then, even though he probably shouldn't, he continues, "May I ask how long you
intend for him to stay?"
The emperor gives him an inscrutable look, the kind Lu Han has been trying and
failing to perfect for years. "That hasn't been decided yet," he answers. "For
now, we are enjoying his company as well."
There's nothing at all in his words to imply a threat, but it makes Lu Han a
little nervous all the same. If there's no set date for Minseok leaving, he
could be here for years, but he could just as easily be gone next week. At
least it sounds like he should be around until Lu Han's birthday, which is
still a full three months away. He can worry about what comes next later.
 
"How are the plans for your birthday coming?" Minseok asks over lunch the next
day. "They're starting so early that I'm sure it'll be amazing."
"It always is," Lu Han says, which isn't a lie, just leaving out the part where
he doesn't actually enjoy his amazing birthday parties very much. He's usually
too busy playing nice with important guests and making sure to look like he's
having fun in a classy and well-behaved manner to have any real fun.
Minseok looks like he suspects that Lu Han isn't saying everything on his mind,
but he knows better than to ask. "I'll look forward to it, then."
"It sounds like we'll be celebrating your birthday too," Lu Han tells him,
since it seems Minseok hasn't heard yet, "so you'll have all the more reason to
look forward to it."
"Really?" Minseok looks surprised, but happy too.
"So I've been told," Lu Han says mysteriously.
If they were alone, Minseok would probably whine and hit him, but as it is he
just gives him a slightly pouty look that Lu Han thinks is adorable and says,
"I see. Then I'll look forward to that as well."
Later, when they're alone, Minseok does indeed whine at him. "What was that
about celebrating my birthday? Is that what you talked about yesterday?"
"It's not really that big a deal," Lu Han admits, "at least not yet. We just
talked about how it would be good to include your birthday in the celebration,
and the steward in charge of the party said he would present some plans later.
I don't have any idea yet what's going to happen."
"Would you tell me if you did know?" Minseok asks dryly.
"Maybe," Lu Han says, grinning. "Don't you like surprises?" But it's Lu Han who
gets a surprise when Minseok answers him with a kiss. "What was that for?" he
asks (not that he sees much reason to complain).
"No reason," Minseok says. "I'd just rather do that than talk about vague plans
for a party three months away."
"Me too," Lu Han agrees, and kisses him. This is already starting to feel
familiar, though no less thrilling, Minseok's hands finding their way into his
hair while Lu Han's arms wrap around him to pull him closer. He's warm and
solid, his mouth hot against Lu Han's, and Lu Han hopes no one interrupts them
because he could do this for a long time, if given the chance.
And they do, Minseok occasionally pulling back to press a kiss to Lu Han's
cheek or jaw but mostly staying at his mouth, tongue sending shivers of
pleasure through Lu Han's body. By the time they pause for breath, Minseok is
practically in Lu Han's lap, straddling one of his thighs, and if Lu Han were a
little more sure of himself, he'd pull Minseok in the rest of the way to press
against him. As it is, he settles for feeling Minseok close, his breath warm on
Lu Han's cheek.
"I just want to keep kissing you," Minseok murmurs, voice low and the tiniest
bit rough, lips just brushing Lu Han's skin, and the shiver that runs through
Lu Han is more obvious this time.
"Don't stop," he answers, surprised at how his own voice sounds, rough and
needy.
So they don't stop until a bell chimes the hour and Minseok pulls away with
great reluctance. Lu Han clings to him, but he pulls back more insistently
until Lu Han finally lets go. "I have lessons to get to," Minseok says,
sounding like he's trying to convince himself more than Lu Han. "And so do
you."
"Yeah." Lu Han feels dazed and aroused and in absolutely no mood to study
Chinese history, but he doesn't think his tutor or his parents will accept 'I
was busy kissing my friend' as an excuse for missing lessons.
"We can do this again tomorrow," Minseok says, slowly getting off the bed and
straightening out his clothes and hair. "You don't have to wait long." He bends
down for one more kiss before stepping back. "I'll see you at dinner."
 
It's remarkably difficult to sit through dinner with Minseok, the emperor and
empress and some miscellaneous dignitaries and focus on the conversation and
not how nice Minseok looks all dressed up. At least Lu Han's not expected to
speak much, but he has to look like he's listening and pay at least enough
attention to be able to respond if someone does ask him a question, and it's so
hard to care about trade agreements with Minseok sitting right across from him.
But he manages somehow, and lunchtime comes soon enough the next day. Lu Han
thinks he exhibits great restraint by not playing footsie with Minseok under
the table, but as soon as they're safely in Lu Han's bedroom, he pounces him.
It's clear that Minseok has been waiting impatiently too, with how quickly and
eagerly he kisses back.
It's like that for a few days, the two of them playing nice as long as they
have an audience and then kissing desperately the second they don't. Things
progress, little by little, to lying down on the bed and pressing up against
each other and eventually to Lu Han's hands finding their way under Minseok's
shirt to slide up his bare back. It's slow, because Lu Han's not too sure of
himself and Minseok is still hesitant to make the first move with anything new
(and while Minseok may be more experienced than Lu Han, it doesn't seem like
it's by much), but Lu Han doesn't mind. They have time.
On the other hand, he is a teenage boy with active teenage boy hormones, and he
can only take so much of Minseok pressed against him as they kiss before he
lets out a groan, muffled against Minseok's mouth. Minseok pulls away enough to
whisper, "Shh," but when he meets Lu Han's eyes, whatever he sees makes his
breath catch. "Do you..." he starts, very quietly. One of his hands is resting
on Lu Han's side, over his shirt, and Lu Han suddenly very much wants to feel
it against his skin.
Lu Han glances at the clock; they still have half an hour before Minseok has to
go. "Yes," he says, though he's not entirely sure what he's agreeing to yet,
and sits up and takes his shirt off. Minseok watches him, eyes wide, until Lu
Han impatiently gestures for him to take his shirt off too.
Part of him just wants to stare, once Minseok has his shirt off, but more than
that he wants to touch, so he does. Minseok's not as thin as Lu Han, but he has
muscles that feel good under Lu Han's hands as they skate over his skin, and
then he bends down to kiss Lu Han's neck, his collarbones, and Lu Han finds
himself gasping for air. "Shh," Minseok murmurs again. "We have to be quiet."
With his lips on Lu Han's shoulder, he might as well be saying something dirty,
the way it makes Lu Han shiver with desire.
Minseok's still a little afraid to touch him, so Lu Han has to take his hand
and put it where he wants it. They both gasp, Minseok probably because he's
touching the crown prince very inappropriately, and Lu Han because he's really
turned on and even just Minseok's hand on top of his pants feels good. He's not
sure if it's too much, but then he catches Minseok's eye and sees that he wants
this just as much. "Please," he says, and Minseok wets his lips nervously
before nodding.
It's hard to stay quiet, but even if they're alone, there are sure to be
servants nearby, so Lu Han presses a hand over his mouth as Minseok opens his
pants to touch him for real. His body jerks at the first touch and Minseok
seems startled, but one look at Lu Han reassures him that it's okay. After
that, he doesn't hesitate, stroking Lu Han until he's writhing around on the
bed, barely managing to muffle the sounds that escape him. It feels so good he
wants it to last a long time, but it's too much and all too soon, he comes hard
over Minseok's hand.
He uncovers his mouth and gasps for breath as he comes down, and it takes him a
little while to notice Minseok watching him as he wipes his hand clean. "What?"
he asks, suddenly embarrassed. Very few people have seen him in this state of
undress, and no one's ever seen him come until today, and even if he feels
comfortable with Minseok, it's a lot.
"Nothing," Minseok says, a small smile on his face as he bends down to kiss Lu
Han.
Once Lu Han can breathe properly again, he sits up and kisses Minseok, and
after a few seconds of that he feels brave enough to put his own hand between
Minseok's legs. Minseok lets out a small moan against his lips, and so Lu Han
presses forward, opening his pants and pushing them out of the way so he can
get a hand around him. Minseok chokes on air at the touch, and though they
haven't talked about it, Lu Han suspects no one's ever done this to him either.
He's torn between wanting to watch Minseok and wanting to keep kissing him, and
he settles on the second, drinking down his little gasps and moans until
Minseok's jaw goes slack and he presses his mouth into Lu Han's neck to muffle
the louder sounds that he can't hold back. It's hot, and Lu Han moves his hand
faster, wanting to hear more. It's obvious Minseok's holding back, but he does
get a little louder, until finally he jerks against Lu Han as he comes.
Lu Han kisses him again after, breathless and sloppy but still so good. "I'm
waiting for someone to throw open the door and flip out on me," Minseok murmurs
with a small burst of slightly-hysterical laughter. "I can't believe we did
that."
Lu Han's a little shocked too, but he can't say he regrets it at all, or that
he doesn't want to do it again. "Are you complaining?" he asks.
"No," Minseok says quickly. "But...you're the crown prince."
"Yeah, and you're..." My boyfriend, he almost wants to say, but it's too soon
for that. "It doesn't matter," he finishes instead. "I wanted this."
"I don't think the emperor and empress would accept that excuse," Minseok says
dryly, the tinge of panic just barely lingering in his voice.
"I hope that doesn't mean you don't want to do it again." Lu Han says it
teasingly, but he does want to know; it seems like Minseok enjoyed it too, but
this is all very new to him and he doesn't want to assume too much.
Minseok leans back enough to look at him. His cheeks are flushed, though
whether that's still from arousal or from embarrassment now, Lu Han can't say.
"I do if you do," he says, shy but certain. "We just have to be careful. I
guarantee you that if we get caught, I'll be on the next flight home, no matter
how bad it'll look."
"I know," Lu Han assures him. "I'll be very careful."
 
It's not easy, because Lu Han only finds himself wanting Minseok more now, and
because it's really hard to stay quiet as they get more familiar with each
other's bodies and find new ways to turn each other on. They never go all the
way, because that would be too hard to hide, but they experiment with kisses
and touches that light Lu Han's nerves on fire and make Minseok shake under
hands and bite back the most amazing moans. For Lu Han, who is so used to no
one touching him at all, it's thrilling and wonderful and he can't get enough
of it.
It's not easy at all, but they manage somehow as the weeks creep by and the
weather slowly warms up. Lu Han doesn't know how they're managing to fool
everyone when he feels like it's written all over his face how much he wants
Minseok, but if anyone suspects, they're keeping quiet about it, both to Lu Han
and to the emperor and empress. As long as they don't find out, it'll be okay.
The other thing that happens as time passes is that Lu Han comes to realize
that this isn't just about wanting Minseok. He does, very much, and he likes
him as a friend, but it's more. He felt it from the beginning, that Minseok was
special, and he feels it more and more with each passing day. He doesn't know
what love is, but he definitely likes Minseok a lot, in a way he's never liked
anyone before.
He's afraid to ask if Minseok feels the same, afraid that it'll turn out that
it's too much, too fast. But Minseok never refuses him or gives any indication
that he wants to, so that has to count for something. Hopefully one day Lu Han
will be brave enough to share what he's feeling and find out Minseok's
response, but for now, he's content with the way things are.
 
Eventually, Minseok's birthday rolls around, and though the plans to include
him in Lu Han's party have solidified, they still hold a small celebration for
him on the day. As a surprise (officially a present from Lu Han), his parents
and younger sister come to visit, and Lu Han is surprised to see Minseok
briefly tear up before he gets himself under control.
He teases Minseok about it the next time they're alone, a few days later after
Minseok's family has gone home, but secretly he thinks it's cute, and maybe
he's jealous, a little, that Minseok has a closer relationship to his parents
than Lu Han can ever have. "Do you miss them?" he asks, even though he's not
sure he wants to hear the answer.
Minseok looks at him as he most likely debates playing tough versus telling the
truth, and finally he says, "Yeah. Before I came here, I was kind of doing the
teenager thing, you know, just wanting my parents to leave me alone, but being
away for so long makes me realize they're not so bad."
His words tug at Lu Han's heart in a way he doesn't think he likes. "Do you..."
he asks slowly, hesitantly, not sure he wants to say it. "Do you want to go
home?"
Minseok looks at him in surprise, and then his expression turns thoughtful. "I
do miss them," he says. "A lot, some days. But I'd miss you if I went back to
Korea now. A lot, probably. So I'm not ready to leave yet."
Those words tug at Lu Han's heart too, but in an entirely different way.
"Yeah?" He asks, half expecting Minseok to laugh and take it back.
"Yeah." Minseok does look amused, but in a fond, indulgent sort of way. "Unless
you're trying to get rid of me..."
"No!" Lu Han says, too loud and too quickly, and now Minseok does laugh.
"Relax. I'm not going anywhere unless someone makes me." Then he kisses Lu Han,
and while it's not quite the confession Lu Han's been imagining, he thinks that
this is enough to erase any doubts that Minseok feels something for him too.
 
It's only a few weeks from Minseok's birthday to Lu Han's, and the time flies
by. Lu Han is busy, because even if it is his birthday, he has to be prepared
to recognize and greet all the honored guests, and to give a dignified speech
that makes him sound grown up and respectable but humble and lovable at the
same time. (It's a good thing he has speechwriters or he'd just end up saying
something like, "Thank you very much! Bye!") It's not really about celebrating
his birthday; it's about showing the world what a wonderful prince China has.
Minseok is excited, even though Lu Han keeps telling him not to be. "Haven't
you had enough of fancy parties like this?" he asks.
"I don't go, usually," Minseok says. "And I don't really care, but it'll be
fun, for a change. And it's not every day such a fancy party is even a little
bit for me. Plus the company will be good." He winks at Lu Han, and doesn't
seem to mind when that gets a laugh.
The night before, the emperor and empress have a private dinner with a few of
their special visitors, so Lu Han has to (or in his mind is allowed to) have
dinner alone with Minseok. They're not really alone, of course, but things are
much more relaxed than the usual family dinners. Lu Han's probably not as
careful as he should be in front of his attendants anymore, but they must all
be used to it by now.
Lu Han is normally supposed to do some studying after dinner (which sometimes
happens and sometimes doesn't), but even though he and Minseok had some time to
themselves after lunch, he still drags Minseok into his room when they finish
eating. It's almost his birthday, he reasons; he's allowed to have a little
something special.
Minseok doesn't object, happy to loop his arms around Lu Han's neck and kiss
him senseless. There's no particular time limit on them now like there is in
the afternoons, but Lu Han still hurries to get Minseok out of his shirt so he
can press his lips to the exposed skin of his neck, his collarbones, his
stomach. When he gets dangerously low on Minseok's stomach, a hand on his cheek
makes him look up. "What?"
Minseok sits up again, biting his lip like he's nervous. "I, um, got you a
present," he says. "I was going to wait until it's actually your birthday, but
now seems like a good time." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful
of small packets, dropping them on the bed in front of Lu Han.
"What...?" Lu Han asks, bending down to take a closer look, and then heat rises
in his cheeks when he realizes what he's looking at. He looks up at Minseok,
who is also flushed and studying his knees.
"If you don't want to, we don't have to, but I thought maybe..." He looks so
shy, which he hasn't with Lu Han in a long time. Lu Han swallows down the rush
of feelings it triggers in him, both Minseok's expression and his offer, and
focuses instead on the desperate want it also causes.
"Are you sure?" he asks, really hoping Minseok won't say no.
"You think I'd go to all the trouble of getting this stuff if I wasn't?"
Minseok says, apparently recovered from his self-consciousness enough to be
sarcastic again. Lu Han can't say he really minds.
"Good."
They lose their clothes quickly, in spite of not wanting to stop kissing or
touching each other, and it would be easy to keep going like this, the way they
have for a while now. It's comfortable, familiar, easy. But then Minseok puts
his hands on Lu Han's chest to hold him back and asks, already breathless,
"Don't you want your present?"
They're so close, Minseok's face with dark eyes and swollen lips filling his
field of vision, and oh, yes, he wants this. He leans in for one more kiss,
soft, and then pulls back and picks up one of the packets.
It's a little awkward, fumbling, both of them too eager and neither really sure
what they're doing, but when Lu Han pushes into Minseok, watching his face
contort with pain and pleasure all mixed together, it's better than anything
he's ever felt before. A little later, when he gets a good rhythm going and
Minseok moans out a needy, "Touch me," and gasps when Lu Han does, that's even
better.
It's hard to stay quiet and Lu Han's too far gone to even tell if they are, but
also too far gone to care. He just barely manages to hold on until Minseok
jerks beneath him and then he's coming too, chasing the pleasure with a last
few feeble thrusts before he goes still.
"Damn." Minseok's voice is barely above a whisper, but he smiles as he pushes
his sweaty hair off his face and looks up at Lu Han.
Lu Han laughs, feeling embarrassingly happy as he collapses on the bed next to
Minseok. "I can already tell you this is going to be the best birthday present
I get this year."
"I am pretty great, huh?" Minseok says, then laughs and rolls over to hide his
face against Lu Han's shoulder.
"You are," Lu Han agrees, only half joking. It's on the tip of his tongue, the
words he's been thinking about saying for so long. He could say it, and he
thinks, though there's still no way to know for sure unless he tries, that
Minseok would say it back. If they stay like this long enough, Minseok curled
up warm against his side, he just might work up the courage to find out.
But that doesn't happen because suddenly there's a knock on the door. As worn
out as they were a second ago, they instantly spring apart. Minseok's eyes are
wide with panic, and Lu Han's sure he looks the same as he scrambles for his
clothes. There's another knock, more insistent, and Minseok hisses, "Say
something."
"Yes?" His voice sounds rough to his ears, but hopefully it's not enough for
anyone to notice.
"Please come outside immediately." Lu Han recognizes that voice, and his heart
sinks. It's one of his father's advisors, a shrewd and unforgiving man. If he
heard anything, if he's realized what was going on, he won't be willing to let
it go the way the servants almost certainly are by now.
"One moment, please," Lu Han says politely, even though he doesn't need to be
polite to an advisor. Minseok is frantically buttoning up his shirt, but he
still looks a mess, his hair sticking up in all directions. Lu Han's probably
not much better off, and the bed is all rumpled and there's still an unused
condom buried in the sheets somewhere. His heart is pounding and it's hard to
breathe.
They finish dressing and smooth down their hair, and Lu Han is just trying to
straighten out the bed when the advisor says, "Now, please, prince. I'm going
to open the door."
Lu Han looks up and meets Minseok's eyes, seeing the same fear reflected in
them. "I'm sorry," he whispers, and Minseok shakes his head, and that's all
they manage before the door opens.
One look at the advisor's frowning face and Lu Han knows. He knows that they've
been caught and he knows that this is it. "Let's talk outside," he says, and
somehow he manages to find his cool, collected prince voice even though he's
anything but calm right now.
"It's not me you need to explain yourself too," the advisor tells him. "I'm
going to take you to see the emperor and empress."
Minseok's breath catches, but Lu Han manages to keep his cool front. "Very
well."
They walk in silence, Minseok staying a step or two behind Lu Han. It feels
like everyone they pass is staring at them, which is probably true, and like
they all know what's going on, which may or may not be. He hopes it's not; the
smaller the potential scandal, the less angry the emperor and empress will be
with him. If it's only Lu Han's personal attendants and this advisor who know,
they'll only be furious instead of livid.
Finally, they arrive at the emperor and empress' chambers. That's a relief, at
least. If they were still with guests, they wouldn't be happy about being
interrupted. "Come in," says the emperor.
"Wait here," says the advisor (and Lu Han doesn't have to listen to him, but
what else can he do?) "I'll explain." He goes inside, closing the door behind
him.
Minseok is still hanging back, and Lu Han turns around to look at him. He's
managed to get his expression under control, but he's extremely tense,
shoulders hunched. "I—" Lu Han starts, but he breaks off when Minseok shakes
his head. He doesn't know what he'd say anyway.
"It was always going to happen someday," Minseok says, very quietly, his voice
flat. "We were never going to have a happy ending."
He's right, of course. One day, probably not so far away, Lu Han will be
expected to marry someone who will look good beside him and produce an heir to
the throne, and Minseok was always going to go back to Korea sooner or later
because this isn't his home. It was stupid to worry about if Minseok shared his
feelings when that ultimately doesn't make a difference.
"I just—" Lu Han tries again, but he breaks off when there's a sound on the
other side of the door, and then it opens.
"Come inside," says the emperor, and Lu Han reluctantly obeys, Minseok trailing
behind him.
The emperor and empress are sitting on the couch, but they don't look relaxed
at all. The emperor is wearing that expression Lu Han knows well, where he's
very angry but trying to hide it, and the empress looks almost disturbed. It's
hard to look at them, but Lu Han's well trained enough to stand up straight and
not flinch.
"Explain yourself," the emperor says sharply.
"I understand it's already been explained to you." Lu Han darts a glance over
at the advisor, who's standing beside the couch.
"I want you to explain to me why you thought this was acceptable behavior for a
prince."
"I have no excuse," he says. There's no point in trying to justify it. He knows
how this will end.
"And you?" the emperor presses, turning on Minseok. "We offered you our
hospitality and this is how you repay us?" Lu Han bristles, but he forces
himself to stay quiet because defending Minseok will only make it worse.
"I'm very sorry." Minseok doesn't make excuses either. "Please don't allow this
to color your opinion of my country."
The emperor makes a dismissive sound. The gloves have come off now; he's rarely
rude to guests. "You're only a boy. Perhaps it was a mistake to bring you so
far from home." Out of the corner of his eye, Lu Han sees Minseok stand up
straighter, but he doesn't say anything. "I think it's time you went home," the
emperor continues, and now Lu Han can't help but flinch, even though he knew it
was coming.
"But the party is tomorrow," the empress points out.
"Oh, yes." The emperor frowns. "You may stay for the party," he tells Minseok.
"Be prepared to leave the following day, as soon as the other guests are gone."
"Understood," Minseok says, his voice small but even.
"Now leave us," the emperor says, and Minseok immediately obeys. "You too," he
tells the advisor, who follows Minseok out, leaving Lu Han alone with the
emperor and empress.
"I'm sorry," Lu Han says when the door closes. He's been doing well, but now
his voice wavers.
The empress' brow furrows and some of the angry tension leaves the emperor's
face, because even if they're always the emperor and empress to him, they are
his parents. "You're a prince," the empress says. "The world is watching you.
You can't forget that." Her words are harsh, but there's a gentle hint to her
tone, almost apologetic.
"Your party is tomorrow," the emperor tells him, as if Lu Han could forget.
"Rest and prepare yourself. You're my son and I trust that you can stand tall
and present yourself well."
Lu Han doesn't know if it's a compliment or a rebuke, but it doesn't matter.
It's what he has to do, so he'll do it. He bows and takes his leave, returning
to his rooms alone, and that's how he greets his birthday at midnight, alone
and miserable in his room in a bed that still smells of Minseok.
 
The party isn't until late afternoon, but Lu Han is woken up early to prepare.
"Happy birthday," says his tutor when he meets Lu Han to review the important
guests and his speeches. His smile is the same as always, but there's a flash
of guarded sympathy after it that tells Lu Han he knows what happened last
night, or at least enough of it. He's afraid to find out how far word has
spread already. He just hopes none of the guests find out or the party will be
unbearably awkward.
He sleepwalks his way through the morning, glad for a change to have people to
tell him where to go and what to wear and who to talk to. It'll be bad later,
when he has to let himself think, and when Minseok will be there, but for now
he can pretend that nothing has changed since this time yesterday. He wasn't
looking forward to his birthday party then either, but he did have a lot more
to look forward to in general.
The morning passes too quickly, and soon Lu Han is well dressed and as ready as
he'll ever be for the party. The guests are already assembled, so it's time for
the guest of honor to make his grand entrance. He takes a deep breath, pastes
on his best charming, princely smile and steps through the door. Cheers and
camera flashes greet him, and he smiles through them the way he always does.
It's okay until he turns to greet the emperor and empress. They're sitting
together with a few other particularly-important guests, and near them, as the
guest of slightly-less-honor, is Minseok. Most people probably can't tell, but
Lu Han is close enough to see the circles under his eyes that haven't quite
been covered up. Still, while he may not be a prince, he's learned to fake a
smile, and it doesn't falter as he stands and bows in polite greeting to Lu
Han.
Thankfully, Lu Han has been preparing for this for so long that he can give his
welcome speech in his sleep before taking his seat beside the emperor. Then the
emperor and empress each say a few words that he only pretends to listen to,
followed be a long parade of people giving Lu Han gifts he by and large doesn't
actually want but has to look excited about.
At last the flow of people stops and Lu Han thinks it's over, but then he looks
over to see Minseok getting to his feet. Oh no, he thinks, and braces himself.
"I'm afraid my present may not measure up to some of the wonderful gifts you've
received," Minseok says in slow but well-pronounced Mandarin, "but I hope it's
something you'll enjoy." A servant brings forward a box, though it won't be
opened until later, and most likely not by Lu Han. "I know how much you enjoy
your Korean studies, so this I'd like to present you with these Korean books to
practice with. They include some non-fiction about Korean history and culture,
as well as some novels that I personally enjoy and hope you will too."
He bows again, and Lu Han bobs his head and thanks him for his thoughtful gift.
He's glad that his voice comes out smooth and his smile doesn't falter, even
though he forces himself to look at Minseok when he speaks so no one can read
anything into them not meeting each other's eyes. He's even gladder when
Minseok sits back down and he doesn't have to look at him anymore, but it won't
last.
Sure enough, the emperor announces that Minseok has also turned seventeen
recently, and they'd like to present him with a few gifts as well. The gift
from the emperor and empress is some traditional clothing that Minseok will now
never have a chance to wear, but he graciously accepts it. Then it's Lu Han's
turn. He already gave Minseok a present on his real birthday, a photo album
with lots of embarrassing pictures of Minseok around the palace and some nicer
ones of both of them, but this is for show.
"It seems we had similar thoughts," Lu Han says with a forced laugh, "since I
also got you a present to help with your language studies." For Minseok, it's
movies, some educational and some designed to make him laugh. "I hope you will
enjoy watching them, and think of me when you do." It's not exactly what he's
supposed to say, but close enough that no one's likely to notice. Minseok
thanks him, and when he smiles at Lu Han, there's something in it that's a
little more real, if a little sadder too.
Then the worst is over, and it's time for Lu Han to mingle. He's always hated
this part, but he's used to it by now, and his tutor has prepared him well to
speak to everyone important enough to get more than a hello from him. At least
it gives him something to focus on besides Minseok also walking around and
greeting people.
It's going well until he runs into a familiar face, an old man from Nanjing who
is entitled to come to all the special events by virtue of some connection to
the previous emperor, Lu Han's grandfather. He's not a bad guy, generally, but
Lu Han bristles when he says, "I wasn't sure about that Korean kid at first,
but it seems like he's doing well here."
"He's no more a kid than I am," Lu Han tells him in the tone he reserves for
people being overly familiar with him.
"Of course not, prince," the man says, somehow managing to make his polite
words sound condescending. "I only meant that I admire the progress he's made
in learning our language and culture."
Lu Han follows his gaze over to where Minseok is talking to a middle-aged
couple, and he's been holding on, but the sight of Minseok laughing at
something the woman says is like a stab to his gut. He can't help thinking that
he won't have another chance to make Minseok laugh like that, or even to see
him laugh from a distance. Tomorrow, Minseok will be gone and there will be no
one left in the palace to laugh with him at all.
"Prince?" the old man asks, almost gentle, and Lu Han starts.
"My apologies," Lu Han says politely. "Yes, you're right. Our Korean guest has
done very well here."
He makes it through the rest of his mingling without looking at Minseok, but
now that the thought has settled in the back of his mind, he can't push it away
again. Tomorrow, Minseok will be gone, and there's no telling if they'll ever
see each other again. He's not going so far away, but he'll never be allowed to
visit after what happened.
Finally, the end of the party draws near. Lu Han has another speech to give,
and he does it on autopilot, the words coming out with the ease of long
practice.
Then it's Minseok's turn to give a shorter speech, and Lu Han braces himself as
he steps forward. "I'm very thankful to all of you for humoring my inclusion in
this party even though today isn't really my birthday," he says lightly, "and
to the prince for sharing his special day with me. I've very much enjoyed my
time spent with everyone here."
He glances back at Lu Han, just for a moment, and then continues, "I didn't
know what to expect when I came to China, and to be honest, I was a little
afraid of how I'd get by here. But I have felt very welcomed and very lucky to
have had the opportunity to come here." He pauses, taking a steadying breath.
"I don't wish to detract from the prince's celebration, but I'm afraid I must
announce that I'll be returning to Korea soon. I've had a wonderful time here,
but there is still a lot for me to learn in my own country, and I've been away
from my family for a long time. I'm very grateful for the hospitality I've
enjoyed here, and everything I've been able to learn and experience."
He turns and bows to the empress, the emperor, and finally Lu Han. Their eyes
meet, and there are a million things in his expression that Lu Han wishes
they'd have the chance to say out loud, but then Minseok is turning back to the
crowd and thanking them before returning to his seat.
The emperor and empress say a few more words of thanks, and then make their
exit along with Lu Han, and that's the end. Lu Han gives his own private thanks
to the emperor and empress and then follows a few attendants toward his rooms,
looking forward to being able to change his clothes and rest after a draining
couple of hours. Thinking about that, he almost doesn't notice someone stop to
let him pass in the hallway, only looking up just in time to see that it's
Minseok, escorted by Lu Han's tutor of all people.
Lu Han freezes. He knows he should keep walking, pretend nothing is out of the
ordinary, but he can't. "Prince, you should go, rest," his tutor says. But then
he does something strange and steps in front of Lu Han, blocking him from the
attendants, who are waiting for him just ahead. Minseok realizes it at the same
time, and he takes a step closer.
It's only a moment, a single moment before they'll most likely never see each
other again, but it's one more moment than Lu Han thought they would have. He
grabs Minseok's hand and squeezes it tightly. "Thank you," Minseok whispers.
"For everything. I'm sorry I can't stay."
They're lingering too long, so Lu Han takes a step away and says, out loud and
in Mandarin instead of the Korean Minseok used, "No, thank you. It was our
pleasure to have you as a guest here." It's too formal to be what he really
means, but he thinks Minseok will understand. Sure enough, he gives a smile and
a tiny nod before bowing in thanks. Lu Han waits until he stands up so he can
smile back, then walks away.
It's not enough. It's not a goodbye and it's not a reprieve from Minseok being
taken away from him, but it's a little bit more closure than he thought he'd
get, and it'll have to do. It's the best he's got.
 
 
It's fifteen years before they meet again, when Lu Han takes a trip to Korea.
It's not the first he's made there, given his well-publicized interest in the
country, but it's the first time when, after he makes his greetings to the
royal family and is escorted to the guest rooms, he's told there's one more
person who'd like to greet him.
He expects some uninteresting noble or another visiting dignitary. He doesn't
expect a changed yet still familiar face to come through the door, smiling
hesitantly before giving a deep bow. "Greetings, prince," he says, in Mandarin
that has held up to the years a lot better than Lu Han would expect. "It's been
a long time since we spoke."
It has been, because the emperor and empress made it clear that he should not
be in contact with Minseok, and even if he's an adult now, their word is still
law for him. Besides, it would only hurt, and now that Lu Han is married with a
child on the way, it would be strange to contact the man he loved when he was
younger.
"It's good to see you again," Lu Han says in informal Korean, and a laugh
bursts out of Minseok before he can stop himself.
"Not in the palace," he hisses, but Lu Han laughs too, and any awkwardness
melts away in an instant.
"Sorry for the surprise visit," Minseok says, in Korean now but still polite.
"A certain someone who wants to remain nameless asked if I wanted to come meet
you and I couldn't say no."
"Did you want to?"
"Of course not." It is really good to see Minseok again, Lu Han thinks at the
sight of that smile he hasn't seen in so long but has never forgotten. "I can't
stay or it'll look bad, but I wanted to say hi, at least. See you in person
instead of on TV for a change."
Lu Han nods. He wants to argue, but he's grown up enough now to understand that
there are some things he can't fight. "How have you been?"
"Good. Really good. And you? I hear you're going to be a father soon." It
should be awkward, maybe, but there's fifteen years between them and the pain
of separation and it's okay now.
"Yeah." Lu Han grins, because he wasn't so sure about getting married, but
having a child is something he's excited about. "What about you? I don't get to
hear about your life on the news."
Minseok smiles, a little shyly. "No kids for me, but, uh, there is someone.
He's a really great guy."
Lu Han raises an eyebrow at that. "Weren't you supposed to keep the family line
going?"
"Well," Minseok says, "my little sister's already got two children, so I'm off
the hook. My parents still weren't thrilled, but...well, they knew why I left
China so suddenly, so it's not like it was a shock. I think they're just glad
I'm not going to cause any huge scandals dating a normal guy like I could have
with a prince."
And he looks happy, and Lu Han's not the lonely boy he was fifteen years ago,
so this is okay. This is good. "I'm glad," he says, with a big grin that
Minseok returns, and he really is.
 
 
12
He doesn't know her name, but she's so far out of his league that it doesn't
even seem worth finding out. She's Chinese, Minseok knows, and she hangs out
with some of the other Chinese students like Yixing from his dance team (who's
referred to her as Lulu once or twice, but that doesn't sound like a real
name), but that's about all he knows. That and she's tall and has a body to die
for and the most absurdly perfect face he's ever seen.
He spends about six months pining over her from afar, until Haejin from his
physics class asks him out and he figures why not? She's a more approachable,
attainable kind of beautiful, and funny and nice even though she can be a brat,
and it takes a while, but in the end he does fall for her.
It's not until graduation that Yixing tells him, casually like it's nothing big
(and knowing Yixing maybe he doesn't realize it is), "You know, I really
thought you and Lulu would get together sooner or later. She wanted to get to
know you, but you always avoided her, so she thought you weren't interested."
Minseok splutters in disbelief and then punches Yixing in the arm. "I hope you
know that you've ruined my life," he says, and Yixing just blinks at him in
confusion.
He marries Haejin after four years of dating and they're happy so it's not all
bad, but there's a part of him that always wonders what could have been.
 
 
13
He's only twenty-eight when he's admitted to the hospital indefinitely. "To
monitor your condition," the doctors say, but Lu Han can read between the
lines. When you've been told you have an untreatable, progressive and
ultimately fatal heart condition, you know it's only a matter of time.
He doesn't ask how long. He did at the beginning, and the doctors always
hedged, citing statistics and saying, "Each case is different." Now that it
seems like he has a lot less time left, he doesn't think he wants to know.
His mother is beside herself at the thought of losing her only child. His
father isn't much better, though he tries to hide it. Lu Han is always kind of
glad when they leave, even if it means he's alone with his thoughts. It's
exhausting, putting on a brave front for them.
Things are always quiet when his parents aren't around. His friends, the ones
who haven't quietly disappeared as he got sicker, send cards and call
sometimes, but visits are rare. "Work is so busy," they say, and it may be
true, but they're obviously avoiding him. He can't blame them; he wouldn't know
what to do with a dying friend either.
The nurses, at least, take a liking to him. They think he's cute, the older
ones from a motherly perspective and the younger ones in a more giggly,
blushing sort of way. (He doesn't think his good looks have held up very well
to illness, but apparently they're still good enough for that kind of
reaction.)
There's only one male nurse, a Korean transplant the same age as Lu Han. He
seems more bemused by Lu Han than anything else, but he humors Lu Han's
attempts at conversation and sometimes laughs satisfyingly when Lu Han makes a
good joke. That's what he does, mostly, make stupid jokes, because it seems
eminently preferable to moping around or thinking about where he's headed.
He pries Nurse Kim's story out of him as he checks on one of Lu Han's
roommates, an old man who seems to find him endlessly amusing. Kim Minseok
moved to China at age sixteen with his family and never left, despite thinking
about it often. His Mandarin is accented but fluent, and he gets most of Lu
Han's cultural reference jokes, even if he rolls his eyes at some of them.
That's how he is, no-nonsense but gentle and kind without fussing. Lu Han likes
that.
Another night, when things are quiet and Lu Han can't sleep, he sits at the
nurses' station and tells Minseok how his life plans derailed two years ago
when he found himself too exhausted to get out of bed for work and learned he
was sick and not likely to see thirty. "I guess it could be worse, right?" he
says, toying with the edge of the blanket Minseok insisted on wrapping around
his shoulders. "There are kids who are born with messed-up hearts and never
even really get to live. At least I got twenty-six good years, even if I didn't
do much with them."
"Is there something you wish you'd done?" Minseok asks. "It's not too late, not
for everything."
There are a lot of things Lu Han wishes he'd done while he still could:
traveled more, eaten more delicious and unhealthy food, had more sex, maybe
gotten married and had a kid so there would be some evidence left in this world
that he existed. He gets lost in that train of thought, and Minseok waves a
hand in front of his face. "Don't go crazy. Just something little."
"I wish I'd eaten a lot more cake," Lu Han says. "My mom always said I
shouldn't because it's bad for me, but look at all the good that did me."
"Hmm..." is all Minseok says to that. "What else?"
I wish I'd done something that matters, Lu Han thinks. I wish I'd fallen in
love so there'd be someone besides my parents to really miss me when I'm gone.
I wish I hadn't gotten sick so I wouldn't have to die yet. "I don't know," he
says. "What would you regret, if you died tomorrow?"
He half expects Minseok to brush him off like he sometimes does when Lu Han's
questions get too personal, but this time he considers the question. "I don't
really know either. I guess I'd regret not doing more to help and thank my
parents, now that they're getting old. I was a real brat to them when we moved
to Beijing."
It's a reasonable answer, but the look on his face tells Lu Han that there's
probably more, that maybe Minseok's regrets would be a lot like his.
 
Minseok is off the next day, but the day after that, a chocolate cake
mysteriously appears in Lu Han's room. He shares it with his roommates, saying
that one of his friends probably sent it, but he sees the way Minseok tries not
to smile when he stops by to check on them.
"Thank you," Lu Han says the next time he has a moment alone with Minseok. "I
love chocolate."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Minseok says, but he can't hide the
twinkle in his eyes.
 
Weeks pass and Lu Han sleeps more and hangs out at the nurses' station less. "I
miss you getting in my way," Minseok says as he checks Lu Han's vitals. "it's
way too easy to do my work like this."
"You could come hang out here where all the cool kids are," Lu Han tells him.
Minseok laughs. "I'd like that, but I think I might get in trouble if I started
spending too much time here when I'm supposed to be working."
And that's the end of that, except that a few days later, Minseok appears at
his bedside shortly after visiting hours end. Lu Han's parents left twenty
minutes ago and he's still trying to get his father's miserable expression out
of his head, so he's very grateful for a distraction. "What are you doing
here?" he asks. Minseok's still in his uniform, but he has a sweatshirt over it
and his bag slung over his shoulder like he's on his way home.
"Are you up for another visitor?" Minseok asks. When Lu Han looks at him in
confusion, he explains, "You did say I could come hang out. But I'll leave you
alone if you're tired."
"No, I—!" Lu Han rushes to say. "It's okay. It's good. I'd like company."
Minseok's face breaks into a relieved smile that warms Lu Han's defective
heart. He takes the chair next to Lu Han's bed, putting his bag down next to
him. "Your parents visit a lot, huh?"
"Yeah," Lu Han says, and then, impulsively, "I wish they wouldn't."
"Oh?" There's no judgment in Minseok's tone, just polite curiosity and
unintrusive concern.
"I know I’m lucky that they care and want to look after me, but they always
look so depressed when they see me. I feel like as long as they're here, I have
to pretend everything's okay even though it's...not."
"It seems like that happens a lot, patients feeling like they have to protect
their families even though they're the sick ones." He looks at Lu Han with
serious, sympathetic eyes. "If you're not okay...if you want to talk...maybe
it's easier to talk to someone like me who isn't family or a close friend. So
you can, if you want."
"As a nurse?" Lu Han asks.
Minseok smiles a little shyly as he says, "No, as a friend. You don't think I
let just anyone distract me while I work, do you?"
For a long moment, Lu Han sits there, words stuck in his throat. His roommates
are out of the room or asleep so it's only Minseok listening, but putting his
thoughts into words at all is scary. When he finally speaks, it's in a very
small voice. "I'm scared of dying. And I'm...angry. I guess I'm supposed to
make peace with it, but I don't want to. I want to live and I'm really mad that
I can't.
"It's really not fair, is it? That some people live to a hundred and others
don't make it to thirty, and some don't even last a year. Sometimes people make
bad decisions and bring it on themselves, but most of the time, it's just bad
luck. I don't blame you for being mad about it."
It's not exactly comforting, but it makes Lu Han feel a little bit better than
Minseok doesn't try to talk him out of his anger. He's tired of trying to have
a good attitude when he's dying and it unequivocally sucks. "I always thought
I'd have more time for everything. Seeing the world, falling in love, doing
something important. But here I am about to die and I don't even know what I
did for twenty-eight years." He sighs heavily. "Do you think that when we die,
that's it?"
Minseok presses his lips together, thinking. "My parents are very religious.
Christian. They're always saying stuff about heaven, and any time I mention
losing a patient, they say things like, 'He's in a better place now.' But I
don't know. I've seen a lot of good people die here and I'd like to believe
that there's something good waiting for them, but...I don't know. What about
you?"
"I don't know either," Lu Han says. "If I could choose, I think maybe I'd go
for reincarnation. Have a second chance at life so I could do better, not waste
any time."
"Well, I guess you never know," Minseok says with a shrug.
"I'll know soon enough," Lu Han says quietly. He tries to stay away from
gallows humor (and it's not even really funny), but maybe with Minseok, it's
okay.
He's surprised when Minseok's hand comes up to rest on top of his. It feels
really warm, but that's probably because Lu Han's hands are always cold now. He
expects Minseok to say something, some hollow attempt at comfort, but he just
squeezes his hand a little and gives him a small smile. It's probably better
that way. When it becomes clear he's not going to respond, Lu Han says,
"Thanks. For listening."
Now Minseok's smile widens. "Anytime."
 
Lu Han's health takes an abrupt turn for the worse soon after. He only gets out
of bed to go to the bathroom and occasionally shower, and even that he
sometimes needs help with. It galls him, like it isn't enough that he's dying
but he also has to have people (usually female nurses) help him wash himself.
"Why does it have to happen like this?" he grumbles to Minseok one day, when he
comes by in the morning for a short visit after an overnight shift. "If I'm
going to die, can't I just get it over with instead of having to deal with all
this shit along the way?"
"Well...you're right, it does suck," Minseok acknowledges, "but if you'd just
up and died the day you were admitted to the hospital, wouldn't you have missed
out on some good experiences? Chocolate cake, making the entire nursing staff
fall in love with you, your weirdo roommates, me?"
"I see what you did there." Lu Han can't help smiling a little, as frustrated
as he is.
Minseok grins back, but then he turns more serious. "I'm sorry that you have to
deal with this. I really am. And I'd much rather you be out there, healthy. But
since you're not, I'm glad I got to meet you."
Lu Han thinks he can blame it on the whole dying thing that he suddenly feels a
little choked up. "I...yeah. Me too."
Minseok laughs, and Lu Han's not so sick that he can't punch him weakly in the
arm. He doesn't mind, though. He's never been good at talking about feelings
like that, and he really doesn't want to cry. "I should get going," Minseok
tells him, "or I'll probably fall asleep while walking home and run into a pole
or a car or something. See you tomorrow."
"See you," Lu Han says. Minseok stands to leave, and as he turns away, Lu Han
adds, all in a rush, "Don't forget me. Okay? I don't want to be forgotten."
Minseok turns back to him, and he looks almost like he might cry, which Lu Han
has never seen before, but then he swallows hard and flashes Lu Han a smile
that's only a little shaky. "How could I forget someone as weird as you?"
Lu Han doesn't know if that's really true, but he decides to believe, and it
feels good. "See you tomorrow," he says.
                                      ***
When Minseok comes in for his late morning shift the following day, the head
nurse gives him a somber look. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this because I
know you liked him, but Lu Han died late last night."
"Oh," Minseok says, wondering why it feels like someone just punched him in the
gut. It's not the first time he's lost a patient, even one he'd gotten to know
well, and it won't be the last.
"He's not suffering anymore," she adds, "and I think you were a big comfort to
him in his last days."
Minseok nods, and doesn't say that he had no idea what comfort to give Lu Han
when he can't even imagine dying at this age, when his life feels like it's
only just beginning. He sets to work mechanically, and he's mostly okay, until
he has to go into what used to be Lu Han's room. He takes a deep breath to
brace himself, but it still hurts to see the empty bed.
"I'll miss that kid," says old Mr. Li as Minseok changes his IV bag.
"Me too," he says.
He goes up on the roof during his break, to have some quiet and a chance to
think, and finds himself thinking of Lu Han's last words to him, and of what he
said about reincarnation. Minseok doesn't believe anything in particular, but
he'd like to believe that someone as vibrant as Lu Han isn't simply gone. "Who
knows?" he says to the silent blue sky. "Maybe I will see you again someday."
 
 
14
 
Minseok has always wanted to visit England, but first he's a broke student and
then he's too busy working, and then he gets married and his wife doesn't
really like to travel, and then they have kids and can't afford to travel far
with them and somehow he doesn't make it there until he's old and grey, retired
and traveling with his youngest son and oldest grandson as a present for his
sixty-fifth birthday.
He can't walk as fast as he once would have and he has to put on reading
glasses to read the signs in museums (not that he can understand most of the
English anyway), but he's happy to be there all the same. It's good to know
that he's not too old for adventure yet.
They go to see a soccer (no, football) match on the last day of the trip,
Manchester United versus Liverpool, and it's every bit as exciting as he
imagined it would be forty years ago when he was at the peak of his soccer
obsession. The crowd is wild, almost too wild for an old man, but the energy is
great and he's thrilled to be there.
 
Seven rows in front and a little to the left, Lu Han is watching the same game,
catching his husband's hand in a death grip whenever things get tense (and not
caring what anyone thinks because he's sixty-five and he'll be as gay as he
damn well pleases in public, and besides, things are different than they used
to be). He's glued to the game, screaming his head off when Manchester United
scores a goal, and he never once turns around.
 
 
15
The plague is sudden, fast-moving and deadly. The first case is identified on
Monday morning, Beijing time. By Saturday afternoon, less than 1% of the
world's population is left alive, and those due to some natural immunity, not
any success of the efforts to find a cure. The devastation is immense, the
survivors left to wonder how they can survive with so few people remaining to
run cities that look more like tombs.
China was hit especially hard, though there's no one left to explain why so few
people there were immune. Lu Han's parents are gone, and his other relatives
and his friends and his coworkers and his former classmates. So many people are
gone, leaving Beijing eerily silent.
He meets Kim Minseok while scrounging through picked-over shelves in a grocery
store. He thinks the place is empty, but then there's a crash and he's
surprised to hear someone curse in Korean. He hurries over and finds a man on
the floor with a pile of noodle packages around him and tears threatening to
overflow in his eyes.
"Are you okay?" Lu Han asks, first automatically in Mandarin, and then, once he
thinks about it, in Korean. His Korean is more than a little rusty, but he
remembers that much.
The man looks up at him in shock. "You speak Korean?" he asks.
"Some. Are you okay?" Lu Han asks again, offering him a hand up.
Minseok is thirty-two years old, the same as Lu Han, he learns as they share a
stale bag of rice crackers back in Lu Han's apartment. He was visiting Beijing
with his sister when the plague broke out, and the airports closed down so fast
they weren't able to get home. Lu Han doesn't need to ask what happened to his
sister; it's written all over Minseok's face in lines of sorrow.
"I was starting to think I'd never hear someone speak Korean again," Minseok
tells him. "Not that many people have tried to talk to me in any language
lately."
Lu Han hasn't talked to anyone in a long time either, so he eagerly tells
Minseok about his time studying in Korea what feels like a lifetime ago. It's
nice to have an actual conversation again, and even nicer how Minseok's eyes
light up at the mention of familiar places in Seoul. It's not anywhere near
enough to make them forget about the new reality of the world, but it's
something.
 
Minseok stays with him because he has nowhere else to go, and because Lu Han
has always hated being alone. His apartment isn't made for two people, but it's
clean enough and there's still running water even though the electricity and
gas are questionable, and no one has died here, which is more than can be said
for the many abandoned houses they could move into.
There's not much to do these days besides survive, so they spend a lot of time
just talking, sometimes about the past and sometimes about the future, like how
maybe when winter is over they'll plant a garden so they can taste fresh
vegetables after living without them for months. They talk about banding
together with other survivors, about finding a way for the world to survive in
spite of everything, and maybe it's all pipe dreams, but it's easier to keep
going when there's some hope left.
They kiss for the first time in the middle of the night, when Lu Han wakes from
a nightmare that fades the moment he opens his eyes and leaves him with only a
desperate need for comfort. There was a time, before everything fell apart,
when he was too afraid to try kissing another man, but now a little thing like
that seems so insignificant. He doesn't know if that's true for Minseok, if he
wanted this before or if he'll only take what he can get now, but he doesn't
push Lu Han away and that's all that matters.
They have sex later that day, after finding condoms and lube in the worryingly-
empty supermarket, and it's rushed and a little too intense, but for the first
time in too long, even if it's just for a few brief moments, Lu Han can forget
about everything else.
"It's weird, isn't it?" Minseok says a few weeks later as they lie in bed with
their limbs tangled together, naked under a big pile of blankets to fight off
the cold of February. "Thinking that we probably never would've met if not for
everything."
Lu Han could never be grateful for the death of so many people, and he'd undo
it all in an instant if he could, but with Minseok warm against his side, it's
hard to imagine a different life where they're nothing more than strangers to
each other. "I don't know," he says. "Maybe we still would've found a way."
There's no basis for that at all, but he wants to believe it, wants to think
that he and Minseok could be together in a world where there aren't uncounted
billions dead.
Minseok doesn't say anything, but he snuggles a little bit closer to Lu Han,
and that's enough.
 
The second wave of the plague (or maybe a new one; it hardly matters) comes
seven months after the first, and they're not immune this time. Minseok gets
sick first, but less than an hour later, Lu Han is also feverish to the point
of hallucinating. They're both lying in Lu Han's bed, too weak to move, and
Minseok wavers in Lu Han's vision. His hair looks green, then blond, longer and
then shorter, his clothes stretching and shrinking and dancing through all
colors of the rainbow. He wants to ask Minseok if he's seeing the same thing,
but he's already too far gone to talk, sweating and shivering at the same time.
It's dizzying, so Lu Han hugs Minseok close enough that he can't see anymore,
ignoring the heat radiating off his body. "Don't leave me," he murmurs into
Minseok's hair (jet black now, and streaked with red a second later), but he
knows deep down that it's already too late for both of them. At least, he
thinks, he won't have to be alone for long.
Minseok is shivering violently now even though he's so hot, and then he goes
still with shocking suddenness. Lu Han just holds him close, as tight as he can
manage. It's not long before he starts to shiver too, deep, unbearable cold
settling into his bones. The last thing he thinks before blackness takes him
is, Maybe next time.
 
 
16
Lu Han doesn't know what makes the kid immediately catch his attention. He
looks too young to be out on the streets in not enough clothing for a late fall
night, lounging casually-but-not-really against a building and eyeing the men
who walk past. There are prettier guys around who would be happy to follow Lu
Han home (or to a hotel or even down a sufficiently dark alley), but there's
something about this boy, with his slim build and catlike eyes enhanced by
eyeliner. His eyes don't look young, and there's something in them that draws
Lu Han to him.
He rolls down his window as he pulls up in front of the boy, who looks coolly
at him even though his posture goes a little tense. "Can I help you with
something?" he asks, words laced with suggestion in case there was any doubt
about what he's doing on this street.
"Are you even old enough?" Lu Han asks.
The boy gives a short, largely humorless laugh. "I'm twenty-four, so if you
want an innocent little kid, you're barking up the wrong tree."
Lu Han laughs too, genuinely. "I'm twenty-four too, so I don't need innocent."
"Then...you want me?"
Lu Han considers for only a moment before he says yes, unlocking the door to
let the boy in. "Got a name?" he asks.
"Min," the boy says, and when Lu Han flashes him a skeptical look, he adds,
"It's half my name, anyway. I only give the other half to people I really
like." He smiles a little, and it's crooked and doesn't fit his cool attitude
but Lu Han likes it anyway. Then he asks, "You?"
"Lu Han," he says.
The boy, Min if that's what he wants to be called, cocks his head curiously.
"Chinese?"
"Yeah," Lu Han says. "And that's my whole name so I guess I must like you." He
doesn't know where that came from, why he's saying flirtatious things to a
whore off the street who's probably used to men just fucking him hard and not
giving a damn what he has to say, but there it is.
"Good to know," Min says.
They drive in silence the rest of the way to Lu Han's apartment. It's not far;
he doesn't make enough money to live in a nicer part of town. They climb up
three flights of stairs and Lu Han's afraid someone will see him and know
what's going on, but it's a Saturday night and his neighbors seem to have
better things to do than wait around to judge him.
They go into his apartment and then Lu Han stands awkwardly in the small space
that passes for his living room and kitchen, not sure what to do next. Min
looks at him, and when it becomes clear that Lu Han isn't going to start
anything, asks, "Is this your first time?"
"It's not—" Lu Han starts, defensively, because it's not like he's a virgin,
but then he realizes what the question is. "Oh. Yeah. I've never..."
"Brought a whore home?" Min finishes for him, with a bit of a smirk.
"Yeah." This is awkward, he thinks, and wonders if this was a bad idea. His
hand doesn't particularly satisfy him, but at least he doesn't have to talk to
it.
"Relax," Min says, stepping forward and putting a hand on his arm. "I don't
have high expectations. You're actually talking to me, so you're already doing
better than a lot of customers. Just tell me what you want."
Lu Han wets his lips and tells himself to stop acting like an awkward teenager.
He can pussyfoot around it all he wants, but there's only one reason he went to
the red light district tonight. "Take off your clothes," he said, relieved that
his voice comes out deep and steady. "I want to see you."
It's cold in the apartment, but Min doesn't hesitate as he unwraps his scarf
and pulls off his sweatshirt. He's wearing only a thin tank top underneath, and
his arms and torso are more well-muscled than Lu Han expected. The tank top
comes off quickly, then his jeans, and he's not wearing underwear, so that
leaves him naked, within arms reach of Lu Han. "You can touch," he says, "if
you want."
So Lu Han does, running hands along his arms and down his chest, tweaking a
nipple hard enough that he gasps. Emboldened, he drops his hands to Min's hips
and bends down to taste the skin of his neck. He's not sure if kissing is
allowed, but this seems to be, at least. Min tips his head back and Lu Han
traces his collarbones with his tongue. He doesn't know if the hitch in Min's
breathing is artifice or a genuine reaction, but he enjoys it, in any case.
It's too cramped here, so he pulls back and points down the hallway, saying "My
bedroom's there," as if there's anywhere else to go in the small apartment. Min
obediently turns and walks to the bedroom, and Lu Han follows him. He feels
weird still being fully dressed, so he strips off his own clothes. He feels the
bite of the cold air against his skin now, so he hurries to press himself
against Min, whose body is warm in spite of the chill, and they fall onto the
bed together.
It's weird, if he thinks about it too hard, but it's been too long since he's
had sex, too long even since he's had much in the way of human contact, so it
feels good. Min takes control now, propping himself up above Lu Han (and oh,
yes, those arms) and pressing kisses down his neck and chest, sucking expertly
at his nipples. He's good with his mouth, and that thought plus the attention
has Lu Han getting hard fast.
Min has to notice, but he takes his sweet time meandering down Lu Han's
stomach, scraping his teeth a little over Lu Han's hipbone. "Do you want it?"
he murmurs, lips brushing Lu Han's skin, and fuck, that's hot.
"Please," he says, his voice coming out breathy.
"Got a condom?" It breaks the moment for Lu Han to have to pull away and dig
around in the drawer by his bed for the box of condoms that seems to have
gotten pushed to the very back, but it's worth it when Min takes one and slides
it down over his cock, touching him more than is really necessary, then bends
down to mouth at the tip.
He starts off slow, mostly tongue, but Lu Han isn't too impatient yet. It feels
good, the slow build, the involuntary little jerks of his hips when Min's
tongue presses hard into just the right spot. Then Min takes him in his mouth
and that's even better, his lips tight around Lu Han's erection, cheeks
hollowing out. One forearm presses him firmly into the mattress, and he's glad
of it when Min swallows him down all the way and his whole body shudders.
"Fuck," he grinds out, and he swears Min laughs around his cock.
He pulls back, then down again, back and down, and Lu Han thinks if this keeps
up he's going to come in an embarrassingly short amount of time. Besides the
embarrassment factor, he doesn't want this to be over yet, so when he very
nearly can't take anymore, he forces himself to say, "Wait."
Min pulls back immediately and looks up at him. His lips are red and there's
something intense in his eyes that makes Lu Han uncomfortable and even more
turned on at the same time. "What?" he asks, his voice rough.
"I want...more," Lu Han tells him. "I want..."
Min laughs when he trails off. "Are you sure this isn't your first time? You
can say you want to fuck me."
Lu Han's mouth is dry. "I..." he tries again, but no words come out.
"Say it." Min's expression is serious again and it's doing terrible things to
Lu Han's stomach. "I want to hear you say it."
"I want to fuck you," Lu Han says, surprised at how easily it comes out now.
Min looks a little surprised too, something flickering over his expression for
just a moment before it disappears. "Yeah," he says, moving off of Lu Han's
legs. "You can do that."
Lu Han finds the lube more easily than the condoms, slicking up his fingers
while Min watches silently. He's lying back now, but he seems to be waiting for
Lu Han to tell him what to do. "Spread your legs," he says as he moves closer.
He thinks he'll like it like this, being able to watch Min's expression as he
spreads him open.
It doesn't disappoint. He doesn't know how much of Min's reaction is genuine,
but he looks damn good, letting out little breathy gasps and then full on
moaning once Lu Han gets two fingers deep. He runs a hand into his hair, and
with it pulled back off his forehead he suddenly looks like he could be, if not
twenty-four, then at least a lot closer to it. "Faster," he gasps, and Lu Han's
not sure what to make of that, but he doesn't hesitate to oblige.
It's hard to be patient when he's already so turned on, so he's glad when Min
says, "Enough."
He pulls away and is contemplating what position will be good when Min gets up
on his knees and straddles him again. "What...?" he starts to ask, and Min
smirks.
"Trust me," he says. "You'll like this."
Min slides down slowly onto his erection and yeah, he likes this a lot, and
even more when he starts to bob up and down slowly, sinking deeper each time.
Then he starts to move faster and Lu Han barely remembers to breathe, staring
up at Min. His muscles are tense with exertion, body shining with sweat even
though it hasn't gotten any warmer, and his eyes are clouded with desire and
other things Lu Han can't read as easily. He looks incredible, and Lu Han finds
himself thinking, What's someone like you doing as a cheap whore?
But it's hard to focus on any thought for long, so he just helps out by
thrusting up to meet Min and offering him a hand to steady himself. Min takes
it, and with his other hand reaches down to touch himself, letting out a low
moan when he does. It's almost too much, and Lu Han's thrusts falter, but Min
keeps right on riding him, hips moving steadily like he could do this all
night.
Lu Han can't, though, and when he gasps out, "I'm—" Min immediately pulls off
of him, wrapping his hand around Lu Han's erection and stroking him that last
little bit until his orgasm shudders through him and he spills into the condom
under Min's hand. "Fuck," he breathes, which in this case means 'That was
really good.'
Min laughs at him again for that. "You're very eloquent" he says. His voice is
a little strained, and no wonder with his untouched cock still hard.
Lu Han sits up, and with Min still straddling his thighs, that brings them very
close. "Do you want me to...?" he asks, gesturing between Min's legs.
He's surprised to see Min look uncomfortable at that. "You don't have to."
"I want to," he says. He wraps a hand around him, and judging from the full-
body shudder that runs through Min, he's already close. A little whimper even
escapes him as Lu Han starts to move his hand, spurring him to go faster. It
seems like no time at all before he comes, mostly quiet but throwing back his
head and gasping for air in a way that Lu Han can't help staring at.
Then, all too soon, Min is pulling away from him. Lu Han gets up to throw away
the condom and wash his hand off, and by the time he comes back, Min already
has his pants on. "Leaving?" he asks, trying not to sound disappointed even
though he is. Why wouldn't Min leave? He's done his job.
"Yeah," Min says, looking down as he pulls his tank top on. "It's still early
enough to score another job."
You're an idiot, Lu Han tells himself. There's no reason to be jealous, no
reason to feel possessive because he paid for the privilege of fucking this guy
once. He has no reason and no right, and this isn't a romantic movie where
he'll rescue Min from his life of sin and they'll live happily ever after. He's
just a young guy who got desperate enough for a warm body to pay someone to
fill in.
"I probably shouldn't say this," Min adds as he continues dressing, "but a guy
like you, you don't need someone like me. You're good looking and not half bad
in bed. You shouldn't be paying for sex when you could have your pick of guys."
But I'm scared, Lu Han thinks, and no one is ever the right person. He doesn't
know how to explain to anyone, let alone this person who has sex with countless
people he couldn't care less about, that he feels like he's always searching
for something and he 's afraid he'll never find it, that he's tired of going on
dates with people who are attractive and nice and funny and interested in the
same things as him but never seem to be quite right.
The silence stretches out and Min pauses in wrapping his scarf around his neck
to look at Lu Han. "What?" he asks.
"Do you ever feel like there's someone out there for you, but unless you can
find them, there's no point?" Lu Han asks. "And you keep looking but maybe
you'll never find them?"
"I was never that much of a romantic," Min says with what sounds suspiciously
like forced lightness. "Even before all of this. And if there is someone like
that for me, I doubt he'll want me anymore." He laughs like it's a joke, but Lu
Han doesn't think it really is.
"You never know," he says with more conviction than he has.
"I guess not," Min agrees, clearly humoring him. His eyes are dark and maybe Lu
Han's just projecting, but he looks sad. "Anyway, I should get going..."
It takes Lu Han a moment to realize what he's waiting for, and he awkwardly
grabs his wallet from his discarded pants, pulling out too many bills and
shoving them into Min's hand.
"Wait..." Min says, going to count them, but Lu Han pushes his hand to his
pocket.
"It's fine," he insists. It's weird, probably, but he doesn't care. "Just,
umm..." He doesn't know what he wants to say, so he finishes with, "Have a good
night."
"You too," Min tells him. He pauses at the door, looking back but not enough to
meet Lu Han's eyes. "The person you're looking for," he says. "I hope you find
him."
Then he's gone, the door closing behind him with a definitive slam. "You too,"
Lu Han whispers.
 
 
17
Lu Han watches Korean dramas and listens to Korean music not because it's
necessarily so much better than what's available in China (though he thinks it
is) but because it's different. He's always been a dreamer, to put it nicely,
or had his head in the clouds, if you're not being so nice.
It's not that he feels out of place in Beijing, exactly. It's his home and he
loves it there, most of the time. It's just that he's always felt like there's
so much more out there that he's missing out on. There are so many places, so
many possibilities that he could never explore them all. It's not a limitation
unique to him, but he feels it so keenly he can't understand why no one else
seems to care so much.
He's in his first year of high school and most of his friends have only just
started thinking about university, talking in vague terms about their hopes and
the ones their parents have placed on them, about universities in other cities
or even going to study in America. None of them are very excited about it yet,
while Lu Han has been pining after foreign lands and novel experiences for as
long as he can remember.
The saddest part of it is that while his friends may be able to go away for
their schooling, Lu Han's family doesn't have the money to send him to America,
or even somewhere closer like Korea (not that he could ever convince them that
that's a good place to go). The best he can hope for is university in Beijing
and probably living at home to save money. He knows it could be worse, that
he's lucky to have the option of going to university anywhere, but he just
can't help wanting more.
His friends laugh at him for wanting to get away, not understanding, and his
parents tell him to put his feet back on the ground because there's no reason
for a kid from a humble family like his to have such lofty dreams, and if he
wants anything good out of life, he's going to have to work hard for it.
And he can't explain to anyone that it's not about escaping or about thinking
he's special. It's only that when he dreams, there's always something calling
to him from far away, something missing from his life that he needs to go
searching for. Something and, in his most vivid dreams, just maybe also
someone.
 
 
18
He doesn't remember at first. Maybe he's more of a romantic than most young
boys, going starry eyed over love stories and asking his mother if she believes
in soulmates, and maybe he has the most vivid dreams sometimes, but as far as
he or anyone else knows, he's an ordinary boy, an ordinary boy who will, once
he grows up, in all likelihood experience an ordinary love.
In junior high, he dates a girl in his class, but more because it's the thing
to do than because he's really interested in dating. He wants his own big,
romantic love story someday, but most of the love stories he's read about don't
happen at age thirteen. For now, he's content with studying and playing soccer
with his friends after school.
It's when he's in junior high that his dreams start to change. He doesn't think
much of it at first, because he's always had weird dreams. These dreams don't
seem noticeably stranger than those he's had in the past. In fact, some of them
are pretty mundane, like him playing in the street with a boy his age.
Some of them are less mundane, though, like the one where he's walking through
the shopping center near his house and it's completely deserted and eerily
silent and he feels like crying without knowing why. There are also the ones
that involve sex, and while they're accompanied by typical embarrassing teenage
boy reactions, he doubts any of his friends who are going through the same
things have vivid dreams about sex with someone who looks a lot like a
prostitute, or with a more ordinary person but on what looks like a spaceship.
The strange thing is that even though most of the details in these dreams are
unusually vivid, he never quite sees the faces of the other people in his
dreams clearly. There's usually only one other person, occasionally two or
three, and sometimes he thinks it's always the same person, but he looks and
sounds quite different, and sometimes he speaks Chinese or sometimes English or
sometimes a language he doesn't even know that might be Korean, so it doesn't
make sense that those could all be the same person.
He asks his mom again that year, for the first time in a while, if she believes
in soulmates. "Is it possible that you could know someone before you even meet
them?" he asks. "That you could be born knowing them?"
"Some people might believe that," his mother tells him, "but I don't put much
stock in those kinds of fairy tales. If you feel like you know someone when you
meet them, it's probably just that they remind you of someone, or else that
you've both forgotten that you met before."
He almost tells her about the dreams, but his mother is too practical for
things like that. She tolerates his talk of soulmates, but she's never believed
it, and he knows she won't think his dreams are anything more than that. He
doesn't tell his friends either, because he learned young that if you're a
pretty boy who likes love stories and male pop singers and talks about
soulmates, you'll never hear the end of the teasing.
But they keep happening, more and more often, sometimes the same dreams and
sometimes new ones, and he thinks about them all the time, forming and
discarding theories about what they could mean. He wonders if they're past
lives, or alternate realities that are real somewhere, or alternate
possibilities that could exist but don't, or maybe even that he's seeing other
people's lives through their eyes. And he wonders, if they are past or
alternate lives, could he really be seeing the same person in every one? Could
that be the soulmate he's always thought he would meet someday?
In high school, he develops a big crush on a girl in his year. She's pretty and
nice and smart and generally perfect, so why wouldn't he? He does think she's
perfect, but maybe it's no coincidence that she's one of not too many girls in
his grade who aren't remotely interested in him. He could have someone else, if
he wanted to, but instead he fixates on the unattainable.
And in high school too, his dreams get more and more vivid and detailed, until
it's very difficult to believe that they're ordinary dreams. And yet still,
somehow, he never sees, or at least never remembers seeing the face of the
person he meets so often in his dreams, and never has a name to associate with
that now familiar presence. He's filled with yearning for that person, and he
feels silly feeling so much for someone he doesn't actually know, but he can't
shake it.
When he finally can't take keeping all this to himself, he talks to his
favorite teacher. He's a math teacher so there's no reason for him to have any
special insight on the subject, or take him seriously at all, but Lu Han trusts
him enough to reveal his secrets. He tells his teacher about the dreams,
avoiding mention of soulmates, but talking about how it feels like he's meeting
the same person over and over in so many different ways, and how very real
everything in those dreams feels.
His teacher doesn't laugh, to Lu Han's immense relief, just looks thoughtfully
at him. "There are a lot of theories out there about alternate realities, you
know," he says. "We and the people around us make so many decisions every day
and you never know which of those decisions might result in a totally different
life. If your parents made different decisions, you could easily have grown up
in another country, or if something went differently in history, you could be
living in an incredibly different world."
"But those don't really exist, right?" Lu Han asks. "I'm only this me in this
world."
"Some people believe that those alternate realities exist side by side with
ours. I've never read anything about people actually seeing into those
realities outside of science fiction, but it's not really my area of expertise.
Why don't you do some research? Maybe someone's written about what you're
experiencing."
"You think it's possible? I'm not crazy for thinking about this?" Lu Han's not
sure he wants an answer, but he does need it. He's still a kid and he needs
reassurance that he's not wildly abnormal.
"Of course you're not crazy," his teacher says. "Are these dreams you're having
any more than regular dreams? I don't know. There might not be any way to ever
know for sure. But there's nothing wrong with wondering."
It helps a lot, hearing that, even if his high school math teacher is hardly an
authority. Lu Han follows his suggestion and reads everything he can get his
hands on about alternate realities, confusing his parents, friends and teachers
since he's always been more interested in humanities (and not a big fan of
studying in general). "It's interesting," he explains with a shrug, and doesn't
tell anyone the real reason.
He reads book after book, even ones packed with scientific jargon he can't
understand, and countless websites, some reasonable enough and some packed with
conspiracy theories. They do shed light on the differences in his dreams, make
it sound reasonable to think that the people he meets in them could really be
alternate versions of a single person, but nothing ever satisfactorily explains
how he can see these alternate realities in his dreams, or why they feel almost
as real as actual memories. Some of the stranger websites have people claiming
they can see to alternate realities, but even there, nobody's experiences sound
quite like his. He keeps reading, but in the end, he finishes high school
without having found a satisfactory explanation.
 
In university, Lu Han decides that it's time to start fresh, to stop dwelling
so much on his dreams and pining for an entirely hypothetical soulmate. If
there really is someone out there he's so meant to be with that he meets that
person in every version of reality, then they'll meet sooner or later. There's
no reason to miss out on life because he's waiting for something that may or
may not ever happen.
It's easier said than done, but none of his new university friends know
anything about his obsession with alternate realities or his perpetually
unrequited high school crush, so it's easy to reinvent himself. He stops
reading anything that isn't for school (except the occasional graphic novel)
and starts flirting back when people show interest in him, and he apparently
does it well since he starts earning himself a reputation as a flirt.
Letting that flirting actually go anywhere is a little harder, but eventually
he manages it, falling easily enough into a relationship with a girl in his
history class. His feelings for her are nothing like what he dreams about, at
least not yet, but he does like her, and that's enough for now. It's nice,
being a normal guy with a girlfriend who only gets made fun of for normal
things like making weird faces when he laughs.
But though he manages to pass as normal, the dreams don't go away, and if
anything they become more vivid. His girlfriend asks him about it one morning,
when they've been together long enough for her to be aware of his sleeping
patterns. "Do you remember what you dream about? You always toss and turn so
much in your sleep, and sometimes you talk."
"My parents tell me I even scream sometimes," he says sheepishly, hoping she
won't notice him ignoring her question.
"Wow, really? Do you have nightmares?"
"I don't remember," he lies. "And they don't keep me from sleeping so I never
went to a doctor or anything. Sorry if I keep you up.
She lets it go, and he manages to keep up his normal act for another two months
until his girlfriend wakes him up out of one of his racier dreams. Those
haven't been as awkward since he passed puberty, but he's glad he's lying on
his stomach because he's hard and he doesn't know how he'd explain that away.
He's afraid of what his girlfriend heard, but she asks, "Are you okay? You were
groaning like you were dying or something."
Lu Han almost bursts out laughing because no, he definitely wasn't dying, but
he manages to hold it in. "I guess it was a nightmare," he says, sounding only
a little choked.
"You really don't remember at all? For me, even if I forget right after,
there's usually a moment after I wake up when I remember what I was dreaming."
"No, nothing," he says.
"You kept saying something," she persists, "in between the groaning. I couldn't
understand it but it sounded like a name, maybe. Mi-something or Min-something,
maybe."
"Minseok," Lu Han says without thinking, and it's only when he realizes his
girlfriend is looking at him in surprise that it registers what just happened
and the world stops. "I, uh...I don't know where that came from."
"Maybe you do remember!" she says excitedly. "Somewhere, deep down. Is that a
name? It doesn't sound Chinese."
"I don't know," Lu Han says, but he does because he's heard enough Korean in
his dreams to know what it sounds like, or maybe because that same dark corner
of his mind that that name came from knows what kind of name it is too.
"Weird." His girlfriend seems intrigued, but she doesn't have a clue how big a
thing this is for Lu Han. "I wonder if you do remember more, buried way down in
your subconscious. Maybe you could do hypnosis or something to get it out."
She keeps talking, but Lu Han isn't listening, and finally he cuts her off to
say, "You know, I don't feel so good. Maybe I should try to sleep a little
more."
He closes his eyes, but there's no chance he's going to sleep again. His mind
is racing, that name echoing in his head over and over again. What does it
mean, that he knows it? As vivid and persistent as his dreams are, nothing has
ever crossed into his waking life, and even though he remembers a lot of
things, he has never, ever remembered a name, especially one that feels so
significant.
He goes back over his dream, trying to remember if there was something
different about it. It's a familiar one, him and another person who might be
this Minseok in what he recognizes as his bedroom back home. They're young but
not too young, probably in high school, and they're in Lu Han's bed together,
naked and wrapped up in each other.
As many times as he's had this dream before, he's never been able to get a
clear image of the other boy's face in his mind, but today, with shocking
suddenness, he sees it. It's gone almost as soon as he realizes what he's seen,
slipping from his mind's eye and his memory, but he's sure of what he's seen,
as difficult as it is to believe.
It's hard to keep pretending to be asleep, but he can't handle talking to
anyone now, not when his mind is reeling. He has never once remembered
something he didn't see in a dream first. It's possible, maybe, that he knew
this Minseok's name and face in a dream and forgot about it until now, but
that's never happened either. The name feels new, and the already-forgotten
face, and that has never happened to him before.
It changes the game, because even the most vivid and recurring of dreams can be
shrugged off, but if things are coming to him while he's awake, that suggests
that they're real, and if they're real, then he has a whole lot more questions
about how this is possible, questions he doesn't know if anyone will be able to
answer.
Even though Lu Han feels like his world has tilted on its axis, everything
looks the same when he stops hiding in his bed and "wakes up" again. His
girlfriend has gotten up already and he finds her drinking tea in the kitchen.
She smiles at him like everything is normal, because for her, it still is. "Are
you feeling better?" she asks gently.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Lu Han says, and he must be a better liar than he thinks he
is because she accepts it. "I guess I was just tired."
She doesn't ask anything more about what happened earlier, and Lu Han doesn't
say a word about it to anyone, but it consumes his thoughts. He thinks through
his other dreams carefully, but nothing more comes to him, and he can't
remember Minseok's face again. He half expects the name to slip away too, but
it doesn't, and that's the only thing that keeps him from believing he imagined
seeing the face he's tried so often to remember without success.
His girlfriend breaks up with him after another six weeks, which may or may not
have something to do with his rekindled obsession with his dreams. He's sad,
because he's enjoyed feeling normal and he does like her, but he still doesn't
love her and it's feeling unlikely that he ever will.
He gets frustrated, after she's gone, with his friends who don't understand why
he doesn't care more and with himself for not being able to play at normality
better, and with his mind as it refuses to cooperate no matter how hard he
tries to remember and understand. He tries to drown his sorrows in alcohol at
the parties his friends drag him to "to make you feel better," and resumes his
flirting habits in an effort to see if casual sex will distract him from
everything else. (It does, but not for very long at all.)
And when he's tired of being a bad boy (which doesn't take very long either),
he just resigns himself to muddling along the way he always has, without
understanding himself or being understood by the people around him. He's not so
unhappy about it, really, just tired; he'll be okay.
And he is, more or less, until early in his second year of university. A first
year named Yixing joins his group of friends, and about a month into the school
year, he mentions a name that has Lu Han's jaw dropping in shock. "What did you
say?" he demands.
"I was talking about my dance club..." Yixing says, confused.
"Don't mind Lu Han," Yifan tells him. "Sometimes he exists on a different plane
from us."
"You said a name," Lu Han presses, not caring if he gets mocked for it. "Didn't
you?"
"Minseok," Yixing repeats, and Lu Han can't help staring. "Kim Minseok. He's an
exchange student from Korea. Do you know him?"
"No, I just..." Lu Han fumbles for a lie to explain his interest. "I mean,
maybe. I don't know. I, uh, used to know a guy with that name. I was surprised
to hear it."
"Oh, I see," Yixing says. He seems to accept Lu Han's explanation despite his
fumbling, but some of the guys who know him better are giving him strange
looks. "I should introduce him to all of you some time. He's a little shy and
his Mandarin's not very good yet, but he's a cool guy."
It's all Lu Han can do not to scream, "Yes, please!" He knows it's stupid to be
so excited, because it's just a name and there's no reason to assume that this
Minseok is the one he's dreamed about for so long. Considering that Lu Han
still can't remember his face, he might not recognize Minseok even if it is
him, and in any case, for all he knows, this version of Minseok will have no
idea who he is. It's never been entirely clear in his dreams, but Lu Han thinks
that he never remembered anything in those other versions of himself, and it
didn't seem like Minseok did either.
Still, he can't help getting his hopes up, and he's so nervous it's hard to
breathe when Yixing texts him the next weekend to say that he's bringing
Minseok to their movie night. He tries to talk himself down, to remind himself
not to expect anything and also not to say anything that will make this Minseok
think he's a crazy person. Even if it is, by some miracle, the same Minseok
he's dreamed about, if Lu Han comes on too strong the second they meet, he'll
never get a chance to know him.
So he does his best to stay calm as he walks into Yifan's apartment, which
lasts for all of ten seconds until Yixing and the guy next to him turn around.
Yixing opens his mouth to introduce his friend, but he doesn't need to because
Lu Han finds himself staring at the painfully familiar face of one Kim Minseok.
It's absolutely overwhelming because it's not just Minseok's face that comes
back to him in that moment but everything, a flood of emotions and memories and
details that never made it into his dreams. He stumbles back against the door,
dazed, and barely hears his friends asking if he's okay. All he sees is
Minseok, his face twisted into an expression of confusion that feels so
familiar he can't believe he's never seen it before.
It feels like a long time, though it's probably less than thirty seconds,
before Lu Han gets himself under control. He still feels overwhelmed by all the
information and emotion that's been dumped on him, not to mention incredibly
confused about what all this means, but at least he can stand on his own two
feet and pay attention to the world around him. "Sorry," he manages to say, his
voice sounding shaky and strange. "I don't know what happened."
He's guided over to the couch and some of his friends want to take him to the
hospital, but he insists that he's fine. "I just got dizzy for a second," he
lies. "I'm okay. I probably didn't eat enough today or something."
It takes some insisting, but finally his friends accept that he's okay, and
after they've forced some juice on him, he finally gets to be introduced to
Minseok. "Sorry," Lu Han says. "I'm not usually like this." It's hard, looking
Minseok in the eye and pretending his mind isn't bursting with memories of him,
and resisting the urge to pull him in a tight hug because it feels like he's
missed him terribly even though they've never met before.
"Don't worry about it," Minseok says. His accent is strong and he speaks
slowly, thinking his way through the sentence, but he's understandable. "It'll
make you..." He stops, searching for the word. "Memorable?"
"Memorable is right," Yixing says with a smile.
Lu Han is glad when they start the movie so he can sit quietly and process
everything he has in his head right now. Even after years of dreams, covering
so many versions of himself and Minseok in so many different situations, it
still feels like he's had a huge amount of new information dumped on him. Even
the parts that are familiar feel different now, with Minseok just at the other
end of the couch from him, flesh and blood and real and exactly how Lu Han
remembers him even though they've never met.
He manages, somehow, to keep from telling Minseok or anyone else what's in his
head, and if he's acting weird, his friends just shrug it off, saying he's
always a little strange. Minseok doesn't seem bothered, smiling a little shyly
when Lu Han talks to him and doing his best to answer. It's good to see him,
really good, but also confusing and kind of scary, so Lu Han's relieved when
it's time for him to head home.
Back in his own apartment, he lies on his bed and stares at the ceiling for
hours, sorting through his memories and feelings and trying to make sense of
the fact that Minseok, who he's dreamed about for so many years, really exists.
Though all his instincts told him that was the case, there's a part of Lu Han
that always doubted it, that thought maybe he was just delusional. Now he knows
he's not, but that only raises a million new questions.
He doesn't come to any conclusions that night, about what this means or about
what to do, and life isn't going to wait for him to do that, so he just muddles
on. Minseok continues to join in a lot of his friends group's activities, and
Lu Han is glad to have an excuse to see him but also frustrated. It's hard, not
acting overly familiar with Minseok, not talking about the memories Lu Han has
of him or expecting him to remember things that didn't happen in this life.
And it's clear, soon enough, that Minseok doesn't remember, unless he's
extremely good at pretending. He's friendly to Lu Han, but no more than he is
to the rest of the group, no more than would be expected of a new friend. No
matter how much Lu Han tries to talk himself out of it, it hurts, meeting the
eyes of the person he's been half in love with for years (and even more so now)
and seeing nothing special there.
He doesn't know what to do. He can't avoid Minseok now that they hang out with
the same people, and he doesn't want to anyway, not really. But it's hard to be
around him, and Lu Han isn't that good at pretending so he's afraid it's only a
matter of time before he slips and makes not only Minseok but all his
university friends think he's nuts. It's tiring, worrying about that, and he
wishes he could just be a normal guy.
And he does slip, though it's only little things at first. Smiling at Minseok
and expecting him to understand a reference or inside joke that he doesn't.
Mentioning an experience he hasn't had in this life. Those can be brushed off
easily enough, because Minseok's Mandarin is still basic enough that he often
doesn't understand things, and none of Lu Han's friends here know everything
about his life before university.
But then one day, after not even a month, he has one drink too many and slips
up badly. He's sitting next to Minseok, coincidentally, and they're all
laughing and having a good time. Minseok turns in his direction, probably for
no particular reason, and they share a smile, and then before Lu Han can remind
himself that things aren't like that between them, he's leaned forward and
pressed his lips to Minseok's.
He remembers, a few seconds too late, and pulls away so fast he falls off the
couch, but there's no way to take it back. Minseok is staring at him, shocked
and confused. All of Lu Han's friends are staring at him too.
"I, um..." he starts. It doesn't have to give everything away. That he likes
men sometimes, yes, and that he likes Minseok, but given that some of his
friends don't look all that surprised, maybe they already suspected that. But
what comes out of his mouth is, "I'm sorry. I forgot."
"Forgot?" Minseok echoes, and Lu Han isn't sure if he doesn't understand the
word or if he doesn't understand why Lu Han is using it when it makes no sense.
"What did you forget," Yifan asks, "that it's weird to suddenly kiss a guy
friend like it's nothing?"
"No," Lu Han says. "Wait, yes." He's all mixed up and not nearly sober enough
to explain himself well, which is to say to come up with a good lie. "I didn't
mean to."
"You didn't mean to what, exactly?"
He looks around at his friends' faces and he can see the judgment, and that
hurts a lot more than it hurt to pretend. "I..." he tries. And maybe he slips
again, or maybe he's just been holding too much in for too long, but suddenly
he finds himself saying, "I have these dreams. I see you, all the time. I saw
you, long before I ever met you, over and over again. That's why I recognized
you the first time, and today, I just...I forgot, that it's not real, that I
never kissed you here before."
He's talking to Minseok, only to Minseok, even with everybody else around, but
he's also talking too fast, his words tumbling out almost on top of each other,
and Minseok obviously can't keep up. Everyone else in the room can, though, and
they're looking at Lu Han the way he's always feared people would, like there's
something wrong with him.
"What do you mean you recognized him?" Yixing asks. "You said you used to know
a guy with that name: you don't mean you met Minseok before?"
"I, well..." Maybe he could lie, say that's what he meant, but Minseok is
frowning and he's likely to deny it if Lu Han tries. Besides, when would he
have met Minseok before? He's never been to Korea in this life, and this is
Minseok's first time in China.
"You said...dreams?" Minseok asks slowly, frowning. "About me?"
Lu Han is caught, unable to look away from his questioning gaze. He doesn't
look disturbed yet, but he looks confused, and it's only a matter of time.
"Yes," Lu Han admits, feeling helpless. "Since I was a kid."
"That doesn't make sense. We've never met. Right?"
"No," Lu Han agrees. He finally tears his eyes away from Minseok's and looks
down at the ground.
"You're not making any sense," Yifan cuts in impatiently. "You had dreams about
Minseok since you were a kid even though you've never met him and because of
those dreams, you thought it was okay to kiss him now? What, were you guys
madly in love in your dreams?"
Yes, Lu Han thinks miserably. Not always, not exactly, but they were, and this
time everything is going wrong.
"Are you joking?" Yifan presses. "Because it's not funny."
"I'm not joking," Lu Han snaps, misery suddenly turning to anger. He gets to
his feet and meets Minseok's eyes again, defiant. "You can think I'm crazy, and
maybe I am, but I remember you, and a lot more, and I love you. I've already
loved you many times over. And even though you don't remember me, if you got to
know me better, I know you could love me too."
And then he turns on his heel and runs out of the apartment, ignoring the
voices calling after him.
 
The next day, Lu Han turns off his phone and hides in his apartment. He has
classes the next day, but he keeps hiding, afraid of what will happen if he
stops. The third day, when he's thinking he'll have to venture outside for food
if nothing else, someone bangs on his door in the afternoon. When he doesn't
answer, a voice he recognizes as Yifan's yells, "Open the door, Lu Han! You
can't hide in there forever."
"Yes, I can," Lu Han says, but not loud enough to be heard outside his
apartment.
Yifan bangs on the door again, even more emphatically, and against his better
judgment, Lu Han gets up and opens the door. He's alone, which is a relief. One
person is easier to face, and at least it's not the person he least wants to
see. He's afraid to find out how Minseok would look at him now that he's
probably had what Lu Han said explained to him.
He awkwardly invites him in, and they sit down before Yifan says, "What was
that all about? The dreams and being in love with a guy you barely even know.
Since when are you even into guys?"
"Since..." Lu Han frowns. He doesn't know how to explain, when clearly his
dreams and memories are something no one else understands. "For as long as I
can remember."
"But you had a girlfriend," Yifan points out, like that's the most important
thing here.
"Yeah." It'll only be digging the hole deeper, but there doesn't seem to be a
point in pretending to be normal anymore, so Lu Han says, "You won't get it and
you probably won't believe me, but I've been in love with Minseok for as long
as I can remember, even before I knew his name and his face."
"You're right," Yifan says bluntly. "I don't get it."
"Maybe I am crazy," Lu Han says, "or some kind of freak, but I'm telling you, I
know him. Not here, not like this, but I've known him before and I've been in
love with him every time."
"What do you mean every time? There's only here."
The worst part is that Lu Han can't explain it because he doesn't understand
either. He doesn't know where his dreams come from. He doesn't know if those
lives he remembers really happened or not. All he knows is that somehow,
impossibly, inexplicably, he knew Minseok before he met him, and he has these
feelings he can't explain for him.
"I've had dreams," he starts. "Since I was a kid. Weird dreams, about all kinds
of places and things. And there's a person, in almost all of those dreams, and
I never knew who it was until last year. Then I finally figured out a name and
a face and it was Minseok. You saw how I reacted the first time I saw him, and
when Yixing first mentioned his name too."
"I thought you were just messing around." Yifan is frowning now too, or maybe
just making that vaguely-displeased face that's his natural expression.
"I wasn't. What kind of weird joke would that be?"
Yifan's frown deepens. "But that's not possible."
"Tell me about it." Lu Han almost laughs, except that talking to someone about
this is terrifying. Even when he told his teacher, he didn't talk about
Minseok, about the feelings that went with his apparent memories. "I don't know
how or why or anything. All I know is what's in my head and I'm not making it
up."
It's obvious Yifan doesn't know what to do with this, and Lu Han can't blame
him. He's had a lot longer to get used to the idea and he's still lost. "You
really freaked Minseok out," he says, settling on something simpler to talk
about. "First you kiss him out of the blue, then you start going on about how
you know him and you're madly in love with him. He didn't really understand it
all, but we explained it after and it was really awkward."
"I'm sorry," Lu Han tells his feet.
"I told Yixing it's probably better not to bring him around when we all get
together for a while," Yifan continues, and something about that strikes Lu Han
as odd.
"Wait, what?" When Yifan shoots him a confused look, he adds, "You mean you
don't...shouldn't it be me you don't want around?"
Yifan flashes him a small smile. "We talked about it," he says. "And we decided
that even if you're a total weirdo, you're our friend, and we shouldn't drop
you just like that. I like Minseok and I'll be happy to hang out with him, but
we're not going to start leaving you out because you make him uncomfortable."
Then, after a moment's thought, he adds, "You're not going to start saying you
know me, are you? Or you're in love with me?"
When he thinks about it, he does have a vague feeling of familiarity, like
Yifan is somewhere in the huge pile of memories in his head, but he can't put a
finger on it, and it's nothing like with Minseok. "It's just him," Lu Han
assures him. "There are other people in my dreams, but it's only Minseok that's
so...strong, I guess. And there's no one else that I feel like that about." He
thinks about his girlfriend, about his high school crush and the people he
slept with, and it's entirely truthful to add, "There never has been."
"I really don't get it," Yifan says. "I probably never will. And...honestly, I
think you should get your head checked out some time. But we've all got weird
things about us, right?"
Lu Han can't help the relieved smile that breaks over his face, even though it
makes Yifan look embarrassed. It's such a relief. "Thank you," he says
fervently, and doesn't care when Yifan rolls his eyes.
 
Some of Lu Han's friends are more uncomfortable with what happened than others,
and in time the group somewhat fragments because of it, but the important thing
is that Lu Han doesn't lose all his friends, that there are still people who
are willing to be his friends even though he talks what they think is nonsense
when it comes to Minseok. He's very grateful for that.
On the other hand, Minseok no longer comes to hang out with them when Lu Han is
around. Lu Han feels guilty for driving him away, and hurt and sad and a lot of
other things he tries to keep to himself, though he's not always good at it. He
knows he has no right or reason to expect anything from Minseok, but it's still
hard sometimes to remember that.
He does his best to respect Minseok's feelings, to stay away until such time as
he decides he's okay with being around Lu Han again, if he ever does. But
Minseok's only there for one semester, and all too soon, the end of that time
approaches. He's going to be going back to Korea and maybe Lu Han will never
have another chance to see him. He was willing to be patient as he waited to
meet Minseok, but it's quite another thing to accept that his chance is gone
and he'll have nothing but his memories for the rest of his life.
He doesn't say anything about it, but two weeks before the end of the semester,
Yixing mentions to Lu Han that he and Minseok will be in a dance showcase, in a
casual-but-really-not sort of tone. "I can get you a ticket, if you want," he
offers.
Lu Han ends up going, only a week before the semester ends, with Yifan as a
buffer and to tell him he's being an idiot when he gets too freaked out (though
he says he's just there to see Yixing perform). He hardly sees the
performances, though he keeps his eyes pointed in the direction of the stage,
except when Minseok comes out and Lu Han sees him and no one else. He's a good
dancer; Lu Han remembers that he is, and not because Yixing told him.
At the end, Lu Han is tempted to run away, but Yifan insists that they should
go say hi. "This might be your last chance," he says. "Assuming you even have a
chance, but are you going to pass that up?"
The dancers are coming out a side door, and they only have to wait a few
minutes before Yixing emerges. He greets them enthusiastically and Yifan tells
him he did well as if he knows the first thing about dancing, but Lu Han can't
really focus for the painfully long minute or two before Minseok appears in the
door. He comes over to them, only hesitating for a moment when he sees Lu Han
there.
"Nice job tonight," Yifan tells him.
"You were great," Lu Han adds. His voice doesn't shake, but it comes out very
small and he feels pathetic.
"Thanks for coming!" Minseok smiles at Yifan, and very briefly at Lu Han, who
flinches and looks away. He'd hoped, maybe, that it would be easier to see
Minseok now, but time apart has only made it harder to deal with everything he
feels.
"You've only got a week left here, right?" Yifan asks. "Are you glad you came?"
"Yeah, I had a really good time." His Mandarin has gotten a lot better, Lu Han
notes, and he sounds comfortable talking to Yifan.
"Don't leave without saying goodbye, okay?" Yifan says, and Minseok nods.
There's a few beats of silence and Lu Han tells himself it's now or never.
"Are..." he starts, forcing himself to look at Minseok, but the answer to any
question he could ask is obvious in the way Minseok won't meet his eyes. "Enjoy
your last week in Beijing," he manages to squeeze out.
"Thanks," Minseok says, and at least it sounds genuine.
A guy Lu Han doesn't recognize calls Yixing's name, and he waves at him before
telling Lu Han and Yifan, "We're going to get dinner with some of the guys.
I'll see you around?"
"Sure thing," Yifan says.
Yixing and Minseok turn to go, and this is it, but Lu Han finds himself saying,
"Wait!" They stop and turn back, and he says, "Just...one minute. Please." He
doesn't look at Minseok, but they all know who he's talking to.
"Okay," Minseok says. He nods at Yifan and Yixing, who fall aside to let them
have a moment alone.
"If I..." Lu Han starts, struggling to get words out. "If I hadn't done it like
that, if we'd gotten to know each other instead of me kissing you out of the
blue and then started spouting crazy talk...would I have had a chance?" He
doesn't know which answer will hurt less, but he needs to know, one way or
another. It's looking like this is all the closure he's going to get.
"I have a girlfriend," Minseok says, almost apologetic but not quite. Why
should he be? He doesn't owe Lu Han anything. "Back in Korea. She's been
waiting for me."
And there it is. Even if he'd been patient and taken his time to get to know
Minseok, this Minseok, and to let Minseok get to know him, even if he'd kept
his mouth shut about his dreams and everything that comes with them, nothing
would've happened because he never had a chance in the first place. It hurts
like a punch to the stomach, but the truth is, as much as he loves Minseok in
his memories, he also remembers losing him again and again. Maybe he should've
seen it coming. "Oh," is all he can find to say.
"I have to go," Minseok tells him. "Everyone's waiting for me."
"Right," Lu Han says. "I, um...see you around?" Except that while Yixing meant
it, he doesn't really, and he's sure Minseok doesn't either when he replies,
"See you," before heading off to join his friends.
Yixing goes with him, and Yifan comes back over to Lu Han. He doesn't say
anything, but there's a question in his eyes, so Lu Han says, "He has a
girlfriend in Korea. He had someone this whole time so I never had a chance."
Yifan looks over at where Minseok and the others are disappearing into the
distance, and then back at Lu Han. "I get that he's the man of your dreams,
literally, but there are a lot of people in the world. It's not like this is it
for you. It'll be better, finding someone you can start out on equal footing
with, so you can fall in love together. Right?"
"Sure," Lu Han agrees without meaning it. He does remember others, vaguely, but
it's always Minseok at the center, and this time, especially, when he's spent
so many years dreaming of finding his soulmate, how can he settle for second
best?
 
It takes twelve years and a lot of ups and downs, but Lu Han does eventually
find second best. She's not Minseok, and as much as he'd like to he can never
entirely forget that, but he does love her, he thinks, and with her sleeping
beside him, he doesn't dream much anymore.
 
 
19
Since he was too young to even begin to understand, Lu Han has remembered lives
he's never lived. That's what everyone tells him they are, anyway, because it
shouldn't, can't be possible that he truly lived through everything he
remembers. They're not even past lives, because he's almost always still Lu
Han, even if he's sometimes a very different Lu Han.
When he's a kid, his parents and other adults smile tolerantly and say what a
vivid imagination he has, and Lu Han doesn't think it's strange, but the older
he gets, the more he understands that he's not supposed to be like this.
It's a hard thing to realize. He's fifteen when he asks his mother, "Am I
crazy?" for the first (but not the last) time. He doesn't feel crazy, but his
memories are so vivid, so real, and everyone insists that it's not possible
that they are. If that's the case, then doesn't that mean there's something
wrong with him?
"You're not crazy," his mom reassures him. "You just need to always remember
what's real and what isn't."
He tries. He really does. He tells himself that he's Lu Han and no one else,
that he was born in Beijing and has lived here for fifteen years, no more and
no less. He's never died, never seen someone else die. He's never been in love
and never had his heart broken, and the person he thinks he loved (and still
loves and will always love) has never existed.
(He searches the internet for "Kim Minseok" sometimes, in every language and
with every spelling variation he can think of, and several people come up, but
none of them are his Minseok. It's probably that more than anything else that
makes him think he really must be crazy, because how can he love someone who
isn't even real?)
He learns to fake it, more than anything else. He learns to keep straight what
was in this life and what wasn't and never mention anything that happened only
in his impossible memories, to never talk about things he isn't supposed to
know. And he learns to pretend to be a normal young man interested in normal
relationships even though he's sure he'll never be able to give his heart to
anyone when it feels like it's belonged to someone else for uncountable years.
It works, for a while. He gets good at pretending, so good he almost manages to
convince himself that he's normal sometimes. But he's not and never has been,
and sometimes the weight of all those memories seems like too much for any one
person to carry, especially since he can't talk to anyone about them. There's
so much pain in his memories, and there's joy too, but even that is too much
sometimes, too intense.
When he's twenty-six, it finally overwhelms him. He's been holding too much in
and his mind cracks under the strain. He stops going to work and sits in his
apartment and cries his eyes out. After three days of that, two friends from
work come to check on him, and he's too exhausted to care about them seeing him
like this as he tells them in a broken voice that he just wants to die so it'll
all go away.
That's how he ends up in the mental health facility with people who hear voices
or see things that aren't there or have tried to kill themselves. "It's for
your own good," his parents say, and they're probably right since he can barely
function right now, but he doesn't know what this place can do for him. No
one's been able to fit a mental health diagnosis to him before, or find a way
to fix him.
At first, they're mostly concerned with making sure that he eats and showers
and doesn't try to kill himself, but as soon as he's a little more stable, they
start trying to fix him. "I don't understand," he tells the therapist the first
time. "I know it's impossible that my memories are real, but they're so
detailed and they feel as real as any of my actual memories. I remember things
I've never seen clearly, the way they really are, and I know things there's no
way I could know. How is that possible?"
The conclusion the professionals come to is that he's built an elaborate
delusion, taking information he found online or learned from other people and
convincing himself it comes from firsthand experience. Lu Han doesn't buy it.
As far back into his childhood as his memory goes, he had these memories. That
would be a very elaborate delusion for a three year old. And yet he has no
better explanation of his own, except that it's real, and he doesn't see how it
can be.
He's been there for a week when he sees an unfamiliar nurse at dinner and
everything else disappears into white noise because he'd know that face
anywhere. He rubs his eyes, wondering if he really is going crazy, but the face
doesn't change. He's a little chubbier than last time, his hair a natural black
instead of reddish brown, but it's him, no question.
"Who's that?" he asks the man next to him (Yifan, who's lucky to only have a
broken ankle after jumping out of a tree thinking he could fly).
"That's Jin Xiumin," Yifan tells him like this should mean something to him.
"You've never seen him before?"
The name throws him. "He's Chinese?"
Yifan shrugs. "I guess so. He doesn't have an accent."
"And you're sure that's his name?" Lu Han presses, which earns him a strange
look from Yifan.
"I'm pretty sure. Why?"
"Never mind," Lu Han says. He doesn't even want to begin trying to explain
himself to Yifan.
He stares at Xiumin, trying to understand. The likeness is so perfect it can't
be a coincidence. Maybe this is why he could never find the right Kim Minseok,
because this time he's Chinese with a name to match.
He's still staring when dinner time ends, so Xiumin comes over to him. Lu Han's
heart is trying to beat it's way out of his chest as he asks, "Are you okay?"
The voice too sounds so incredibly, painfully familiar, even though he's
speaking flawless Mandarin for the first time in Lu Han's memory.
"Have we met?" Lu Han blurts out.
"I don't think so," Xiumin says, surprised. "Why do you ask?"
"We've never met outside? Maybe a long time ago?" If they met as children, even
briefly, he could have incorporated Xiumin into his supposed delusion. That
would make sense, almost.
"I only moved here from Shanghai two years ago," Xiumin tells him in a
tolerant, patient nurse voice. "Have you ever been to Shanghai?"
"No." Lu Han's voice comes out shaky. The man standing in front of him, talking
to him, is the spitting image of the person he's been in love with for his
entire life, reality crashing hard into his supposed delusions. He doesn't have
a clue how to make sense of this.
"Then I guess this is our first time meeting. My name is Jin Xiumin, and as you
can see, I'm a nurse here." He gestures at his name tag, and Lu Han realizes
that he even has two out of three characters in common with Minseok's name.
"Lu Han," he says. "I'm sorry. I must have confused you with someone else." He
wants to explain, but how can he when he doesn't understand it himself? Xiumin
will just think he's crazy, even more than he probably already does since Lu
Han wouldn't be here if there wasn't something wrong with him.
"That's okay," Xiumin says brightly, and his familiar smile makes Lu Han feel
better for a fraction of a second. "Now why don't you get back to your room, Lu
Han? Dinner is over now."
He doesn't mention Xiumin to anyone. They already think he's crazy enough
without him claiming to be madly in love with one of the nurses. But he sees
him everywhere now and he doesn't know if he should be happy about it or
miserable.
On the one hand, Xiumin has walked right out of his so-called delusions and
into reality, so maybe he's not crazy after all. On the other hand, Xiumin
clearly doesn't know him, so everything Lu Han remembers, everything he feels,
he feels alone. What is he supposed to do with that?
He watches Xiumin all the time, and loves and hates the way it makes him feel.
For the first time in his life, he feels love for someone real, someone flesh
and blood in front of him. But that person doesn't love him back, hardly even
knows he exists, and also thinks he's crazy. How can they have a chance at
anything when Lu Han feels so much already, even though they're nothing to each
other in this life?
It weighs him down again, keeping this inside, and his therapist notices that
he doesn't want to talk, afraid of what he'll say without thinking and too lost
in his own thoughts. "Did something change?" he asks. "You were so cooperative
at first and now I can't seem to get anything out of you."
"It's nothing," Lu Han says, as convincingly as he can manage. "I'm just
frustrated because I don't see how talking will help." It's not a lie, just not
all or even most of the truth.
"Maybe it won't," his therapist says, which isn't really the response Lu Han is
expecting. "But I think the reason you broke down the way you did is because
you were keeping everything to yourself. Doesn't it feel better to share what
you're thinking and feeling?"
It does, except that no one believes him and he's still not at all sure that he
believes himself. "I don't know what I feel," he says. "I've felt so much that
it all bleeds together." He catches himself and adds, "I mean, it seems like
I've felt so much. Even though it's not real."
"You can talk about those feelings too," his therapist presses. "Just talk."
But he doesn't, until the end of his second week when he runs into Xiumin in
the hallway on his way to the bathroom. "Lu Han, right?" the nurse asks. "How
are you doing? You don't look too happy."
No, I'm not happy because seeing you and having you feel nothing at all for me
feels like a knife twisting in my heart, he thinks, not caring how melodramatic
that is. "I'm okay," is what he actually says.
"Are you really?" Xiumin's stance shifts, like he's prepared to stay where he
is instead of hurrying on to whatever he was doing, an implicit invitation to
talk.
"No," Lu Han says before he can stop himself. "I'm not."
"What's the matter?" Xiumin's voice is gentle and it just makes the knife in Lu
Han's heart twist that much more.
"I remember so many things that couldn't have happened. Everyone keeps telling
me I'm delusional, but I don't think I am. But doesn't everyone who hears and
sees and thinks things that aren't true feel like that? How do I know if I'm
really crazy?"
Xiumin studies him thoughtfully, and their eyes meet for just a second before
Lu Han has to look away. "Does it matter?" he says after a moment. "If they're
real, that is. What matters is what's real in this life, and you know that,
don't you? You can learn from your memories, real or not, but ultimately you
have to live only what's happening now."
He has a point, surprising for someone who doesn't know anything about Lu Han's
situation (although maybe he does, since he is a nurse and would have access to
his files), but it's more complicated than that. "But what if...what if those
memories make me feel things that I shouldn't feel? Events that I remember
don't matter if they didn't happen here, but feelings don't disappear the same
way."
"There's no should or shouldn't when it comes to feelings," Xiumin says firmly.
"You just have to figure out a way to work what you feel into the life you're
living." Then he laughs. "Here I am giving advice like some kind of doctor."
"No, it's...that's good," Lu Han tells him. It's the best advice he's gotten
since he came here, quite honestly, probably because it doesn't hinge upon the
belief that he's delusional. There will probably never be any way for him to
prove that his memories are real, or for the doctors to prove that they aren't.
What he needs is a way to live with that ambiguity, and this is the first time
anyone's offered him a reasonable suggestion of how to do that.
"Glad I could help, then," Xiumin says, and for once Lu Han doesn't mind too
much the way that smile hurts him.
 
The next time Lu Han has therapy, he says, without being prompted, "I've been
thinking that maybe I should worry less about where these memories came from
and whether they're real and just figure out how to live my life with them. I
was doing okay, for a while. Maybe if I just don't keep everything bottled up
inside, I'll be okay again."
"You make a good point," the therapist says. "I'm glad you've been thinking
about it."
It's not until the end of the session that his therapist comments, "It's good
that you came to that decision about how you want to deal with things. It's
much better than me trying to push you into something."
"To tell you the truth," Lu Han says, because he's feeling good and letting his
guard down, "It wasn't my idea. I had a little talk with one of the nurses,
Xiumin, and he gave me some good advice."
"Xiumin?" the therapist repeats. "I don't know the name. A man?" He's frowning
and a feeling of dread builds in Lu Han's stomach without him understanding
why.
"Yes," he says slowly.
"We don't have any male nurses on the ward right now," his therapist says. "I'm
in charge of the paperwork for transfers so I'd know if we did. Are you sure he
was a nurse?"
"Yes." It comes out small, scared. Lu Han feels like the floor has dropped out
from under him and he's falling, waiting for that inevitable crash when he hits
the bottom.
"That's strange." His frown deepens and he writes something in his notes.
"Could you wait here for a moment? I need to make a call."
He steps out of the room, leaving the door cracked open, and Lu Han hears his
hushed whispers, but then he forgets to listen because Nurse Xiumin, the man
who doesn't exist, is sitting in the therapist's chair. "And here you thought
you knew what was real in this life," he says. His lips curve into a twisted
smirk, the likes of which Lu Han has never seen on Minseok's face in all the
lifetimes he can remember.
"But...Yifan told me your name," Lu Han says, remembering. "So you have to be
real."
The smirk twists into something more and more disturbing. "Yifan told you the
name of the security guard at the door behind me. A funny coincidence, isn't
it, him having such a similar name?"
"Please leave me alone," Lu Han begs. He can't look at Xiumin (not Xiumin, just
a nameless figment of his imagination), covering his face with his hands. "I'm
not crazy."
"That's the best part," the figment that isn't Xiumin and isn't his Minseok
either says. "You weren't crazy before. You were always right that your
memories couldn't be just a delusion. But your poor little human brain just
couldn't take all of this and it broke, started throwing things that never
were, never will be and never could be real at you."
"No!" Lu Han yells, and he realizes he's crying when he chokes on a sob. "I'm
not crazy! I'm not!"
He hears laughter, and then someone else, his therapist, is saying calming
words that sound like gibberish and putting a hand on his shoulder, and then
something sharp pricks his arm and quickly everything goes dark.
 
He wakes up in a bed, and realizes with a start that there are restraints at
his wrists and ankles. "I'm sorry about this," says a nurse, a female nurse
he's seen before who's probably real, gesturing toward one of his wrists. "Once
the sedative wore off enough you started thrashing around and we were afraid
you'd hurt yourself."
"What happened?" Lu Han asks. His voice is scratchy, and he does remember, but
he's hoping she'll tell him it didn't really happen.
"You were at therapy and you got very agitated so we had to give you a
sedative," the nurse says gently. "Are you feeling better now?"
"Yes," Lu Han says, but it's a lie because there's someone else in the room
now, someone whose smile isn't gentle because he's just Lu Han's imagination
come alive to torment him.
"Think of it this way," says not Xiumin, not Minseok, not anyone, not real.
"You'd be so lonely in this life where Minseok doesn't exist, so far gone over
someone you'll never meet no matter how hard you look for him. But now you have
me, and we can be together forever, or at least until the next time..."
 
 
20
When Lu Han is a baby, he never sleeps through the night. It drives his parents
to distraction, makes them think they're doing something wrong, that their
child who is safe and healthy and loved can't sleep soundly. Once he's old
enough to explain himself, he complains of terrible nightmares, inexplicable
for a boy who's never experienced anything nightmare-inducing. His mother tries
everything to make the dreams stop, but nothing works until he turns three and
goes to preschool.
Two months after Lu Han starts, another boy comes to the preschool. He's from
Korea, living in Beijing now because his father got transferred, and Lu Han
knows before the teacher introduces him that his name is Kim Minseok. He feels
scared when he sees Minseok and he doesn't understand why, even though he does
remember, because three is too young to process everything he has in his head.
He avoids Minseok as much as he can (which isn't as hard as it might be since
it's a big preschool), but after a week, he's playing with a ball and drops it
and it bounces right into Minseok's hands. Lu Han tries to run away, hiding
behind one of the bigger boys, but Minseok walks over and gives him an
uncertain smile as he offers him the ball.
It's the smile that does it. It's shy and sweet and young and innocent and he
knows that this is not the scary Minseok he dreams about but the right Minseok,
the real Minseok, his Minseok, even if he doesn't understand yet what that
means. "Thank you," he says, taking the ball. Then, "Want to play together?"
Minseok cocks his head in confusion, so Lu Han mimes throwing the ball to him.
The response is a wider smile and a word Lu Han doesn't understand that
probably means yes. They become fast friends after that, Minseok picking up
three year-old Mandarin quickly and both of them making up the difference in
hand gestures and games that don't require words.
It's not always smooth. Lu Han gets mixed up sometimes, gets scared of Minseok
and refuses to go near him, to the confusion of Minseok and all the adults
around them. He can't explain it in a way that makes sense to anyone and gets
hysterical if pushed, sobbing out something about "fake Xiumin and his smile."
He recovers quickly enough, usually, mood shifting quickly and seemingly
inexplicably as tends to happen with small children, and no one wants to upset
him by asking for more answers when he's not already in a mood.
But the older he gets and the more time he spends with Minseok, the less that
happens, the more he can keep his friend separate from the recurring character
in his nightmares.
The nightmares, too, don't disappear all at once, and sometimes they're bad,
but gradually they become more and more rare until they seem like nothing more
than the dreams most people experience.
 
They're eight the first time Lu Han tells Minseok about his dreams. "There's a
man who looks like you, an adult, but he's not you because he's scary," he
explains. "And he's always laughing at me, or smiling like he knows something I
don't. It's really creepy."
Minseok laughs about it, a little uncomfortably, uncertainly. "How could you
dream about me before we met?" he asks. "And you don't even know what I'll look
like when I grow up. You probably just had a freaky dream and when you met me I
got put into it."
"Probably," Lu Han agrees, but he doesn't really think so. It's hard to
explain, and something tells him that it's a bad idea to tell anyone, even
Minseok or his parents, but it's not just in his nightmares that he sees
Minseok. He's everywhere in Lu Han's mind, always a little different, but still
somehow himself. It can't be real, all the things he remembers about himself
and Minseok, but it feels like it, so much so that it's hard for Lu Han to
convince himself otherwise.
 
They're twelve when Lu Han realizes that however real or not real his memories
of other Minseoks are, he likes Minseok, this Minseok, the way some of his
friends are starting to have crushes on girls. More, probably, because even if
he's too young to understand love, he remembers what it feels like. But he
remembers loss too, and rejection, and a man who looks like Minseok but with a
terrifying smile telling him that he'll never get it right, never have his
happy ending. Thinking of that, he can't bring himself to confess his feelings.
 
They're fourteen (and still in school together, against the odds) when a girl
in their class gives Minseok a love letter. He's too embarrassed to read it so
Lu Han reads it out loud, making fun of the girl's words to cover how jealous
he is that she can do something he's still not brave enough to do. He's even
more jealous when he asks Minseok what he'll do about it and Minseok smiles
shyly and says, "She's nice, right? It could be fun."
 
They're still fourteen, though closer to fifteen now, and Minseok is still
dating that girl, in a juvenile sort of way where he probably touches Lu Han
more than he does her, when Minseok comes over to Lu Han's house and tells him,
with a deep frown on his face, "My dad's getting transferred back to Korea.
We're leaving at the end of the school year."
"What?" Lu Han asks, too loud and too shocked, but he can't help it. Minseok
has been by his side for more than ten years (much more, if only in Lu Han's
head). How can he leave?
"I told him I don't want to go," Minseok says miserably. "My sister too. I
barely even remember Korea and she doesn't at all. If we stayed until I finish
high school, it wouldn't matter to me, but it's now or maybe never. My parents
have always wanted to go back, so they're not willing to give up the chance."
"But..." Lu Han can't formulate an objection beyond "I don't want you to go,"
and if Minseok and his sister not wanting to leave isn't enough for his
parents, his best friend wanting him here isn't going to make a difference.
And Minseok still has a girlfriend, but suddenly he surges forward and kisses
Lu Han full on the mouth. Lu Han freezes, unable to believe this is really
happening, and soon Minseok pulls back. "I, um, uh, that is, sorry, I didn't,
um, sorry," he mumbles, barely intelligible.
"But..." Lu Han repeats, completely at a loss now.
"Nevermind," Minseok says, more coherent but still mumbling. "Forget I did
that."
"But..." Lu Han tries a third time, and this time he manages to say, "But I
love you."
"You what?"
"I like you," he amends, hoping Minseok will ignore the slip. "Don't be sorry."
Minseok has a girlfriend and he's leaving the country in a few months, but that
doesn't stop Lu Han from leaning forward to kiss him. He's been waiting three
years for this, maybe longer, maybe a lot longer. He's not about to miss his
chance. And Minseok kisses him back, so it seems he feels the same.
 
Minseok breaks up with his girlfriend by the end of the week, making some
excuse about how he's leaving soon and she's better off not getting any more
attached, and she doesn't protest too much. "Are you going to say the same
thing to me?" Lu Han teases later when Minseok tells him about it.
"I think you're already way too attached to me," Minseok says, and even though
he laughs, it's the truth. Lu Han tries not to think about it.
He does a surprisingly good job of not thinking about it, enjoying his
remaining time with Minseok without dwelling constantly on how they'll be
separated soon. It's easy to forget, since they've been together for so long
that he can't really imagine Minseok being gone, and besides, Minseok is very
good at distracting him from it.
But as the end of the school year approaches, Lu Han can't fail to notice the
way Minseok's family is packing up their things, preparing to leave, or the
pages of illegible (to Lu Han's eyes) Korean squiggles that Minseok pores over
at lunchtime, groaning about how unprepared he is for high school in Korea. He
tries not to make a fuss, because Minseok made him promise not to the first
time he caught Lu Han watching him with a miserable expression on his face, but
it gets harder and harder to forget how limited their time together is.
The worst of it is that Lu Han remembers this, too many times, losing Minseok
to bad luck and death and distance and outside pressures, and sometimes his own
mistakes. For every time he's loved Minseok (if it's real, but does it
matter?), he's lost him, and the fear of that happening again gets its grip on
him.
"You won't forget me when you move away, will you?" he asks pathetically,
clinging a little too tight to Minseok.
"How could I forget you?" Minseok says dismissively. "You're my best friend."
But they've been best friends before, and a lot more, and Lu Han doesn't know
how to explain it, the way those memories of loss pile on top of each other
until it feels like the fear of it happening again will crush him.
"Just promise me," Lu Han insists, not caring if he sounds pitiful. "Promise me
you won't forget."
"I won't. Geez, Lu Han, you're needier than any girlfriend." Lu Han hits him
for that, and they laugh, but it's only enough to make him forget a little bit
now.
 
The day before Minseok leaves, he pulls Lu Han into his bedroom and says, "I
want to talk to you. About, you know, this." He gestures between himself and Lu
Han.
"Okay." Lu Han's throat goes dry, his hands clenching unconsciously into fists.
"I really like you. I do. But even if I decide to come back here for
university, that's three years that we probably won't see each other."
"What are you saying?" Lu Han asks, but he thinks he already knows.
"I promise to e-mail and talk online and all that, but...that's okay for
friends. For dating, or whatever we're doing, it's not going to be enough."
And there it is, the way Lu Han's heart sinks familiar even though he's
probably never really experienced it before. "So you want to break up?"
At least Minseok looks like he feels bad about it, though if he's anywhere near
as upset as Lu Han is, he's hiding it well. "I don't want to. But I think it's
better." Noticing Lu Han's expression, he adds, "I'm not saying it's the end
forever. But we shouldn't tie ourselves down for three years. If it's supposed
to happen, it can happen later, right?"
But that's not how it works, Lu Han thinks. It never does. Or else we're just
never supposed to happen.
"Don't get all mopey," Minseok says, poking Lu Han's cheek and trying to laugh
off the awkward moment. "I'll call you all the time. You won't have a chance to
miss me. I promised I wouldn't forget about you, remember?"
"I remember," Lu Han says, but it's hard to believe it.
He kisses Minseok goodbye that night, but when Lu Han and his parents see off
the whole family the next morning, they only hug. "Don't be sad," Minseok says,
voice low by Lu Han's ear. "Korea's not so far away."
And it's not, really, but of course it's not the same. They talk a lot at
first, when Minseok is lonely and frustrated with trying to readjust to a
homeland he barely remembers, but less once he starts to make friends, and even
less as time passes. It's always the same, when they do, both of them laughing
as they catch up on each other's lives, but Lu Han feels the distance more and
more each year.
And when Minseok cheerfully tells him he's going to go to university in Korea,
Lu Han knows that's it, not for their friendship, but for anything else. He
wants to have hope, but it's too hard. At least Minseok is his friend, he
thinks, and alive and happy, looking forward to his future even though Lu Han
only has a small part in it. That'll have to be enough this time.
He doesn't know if he believes that what he remembers is real, the good and the
painful, the happy and the terrifying. But if it is, then maybe he'll get
another chance. Maybe someday, a lot farther away than the three years he's
waited for Minseok here, he'll finally get that happy ending.
 
 
21
Minseok gets offered the radio gig when he's two years out of university and
already has a real job, after Chanyeol decides that he can't continue it and go
to med school at the same time. He almost says no because his real job doesn't
leave him much free time either, but it brings back fond memories of his
student days, and it's only two hours one night a week, so it shouldn't be too
bad. "I know you'll do a great job, hyung!" Chanyeol tells him, and he lets
himself give in to the flattery and accepts.
His DJing skills are rusty, but it comes back quickly enough. He remembers how
to enunciate and sound excited about everything, and how to handle callers, and
soon enough he finds himself enjoying it. It's a nice change of pace from his
boring real job, something to keep him from feeling old at twenty-four.
He's been doing it for some three weeks the first time the guy calls in. He
gives his name as Han, and laughs when Minseok asks, "Like the river?"
"Sure," he agrees, in an amused tone that means it's not true at all. "Like the
river."
"And where are you calling from?" Minseok asks.
"Beijing, actually."
"Huh," Minseok responds eloquently, because he hadn't even realized people
could call from China. "Are you Chinese? Your Korean's very good."
"Thanks," Han says. "I studied hard." That seems to amuse him too, though
Minseok can't understand why.
"And what do you want to tell us about today?" Minseok asks. This is their free
talk segment, where listeners call in with funny stories and Minseok gets to
give a prize to the best one.
Han tells a story, not very well, about a friend who had a roommate who got
homesick easily, and how his roommate started crying one night and his friend
let the guy into his bed to comfort him and ended up having him fall asleep and
cling to him all night. "And then the worst part was that his crush walked in
on him the next morning and saw the two of them cuddling under the blankets and
of course got the wrong idea. It was so awkward." He laughs at his own story,
which makes Minseok roll his eyes but isn't at all uncommon.
"Thanks for your story," Minseok says. "Next up, we have listener KFPanda..."
In the end, Minseok gives the prize to another listener for her story about a
disastrous family dinner, and he forgets about Han as quickly as he does most
everyone who calls in, which is to say by the next morning.
Only two weeks later, there's another call from Han, and hearing the name
triggers Minseok's memory. "Like the river?" he asks, a beat too late, but Han
still laughs hard.
"So you remember me," he says, sounding pleased. "Yes, like the river."
Han's story today is about a friend who was a big fan of a male kpop group and
went on message boards with a gender neutral name so he wouldn't look out of
place among all the female fans. He befriended a particular user and was really
worried when they started e-mailing privately that his new friend wouldn't want
to talk to him once he admitted to being a guy, but then it turned out his
friend was also a guy and he'd been worried about the same thing. "What a
coincidence, right?"
Han doesn't win the prize that night either, but Minseok gives him "special
mention for being my first repeat caller."
And he keeps calling, not every week, but often enough that Minseok comes to
expect it. His stories are never very good, either told badly or not very funny
in the first place, but he tries so hard that Minseok can't help being a little
charmed. The seventh time Han calls, he gives him first place "because
sometimes effort deserves to be rewarded even if your stories suck."
He thinks maybe that'll be the end of it, but Han calls again and again, until
Minseok's reached the sixth-month mark and he's had fifteen calls from his
favorite (and only) repeat caller.
The next week, Han calls as usual, but he opens with, "This is the last time
I'm going to call."
"Why is that?" Minseok asks, surprised and a little sad. He's talked to Han so
many times that it almost feels like they're friends, even though they don't
really know each other at all.
"Because this is my last story," Han explains, sounding uncharacteristically
serious. "It's not very funny, but I'd really like to tell it, if you'll let
me."
"Sure," Minseok says. He probably shouldn't since the whole point of this
corner is to tell funny stories, but it's not like Han's stories are usually
very funny anyway.
"I know a guy," Han starts, "and he believes he can remember other lives. Not
really past lives, more like alternate versions of himself. It doesn't make any
sense, but he's really sure about it, and there's stuff he shouldn't know but
does because of those memories, so who knows, maybe it's true?
"Anyway, there's a guy he meets in almost every one of those alternate
versions, and he's got a huge thing for him. His friends, we thought he was
crazy, but then one day he found this guy from his memories on the internet. He
hoped, maybe, that this guy remembered those other versions of them too. That
maybe there was someone else like him in the world, someone who would
understand when no one else did.
"But he didn't want to sound like a nut, so he tried to talk to that person
without telling him the whole truth, telling him about some of those memories
and seeing if they rang any bells. He tried all kinds of stories from his
memories, but nothing seemed to work, and eventually he had to admit that he's
the only one who remembers.
"He was really sad about it, but he decided that maybe it's best to just let it
go, to stop chasing after this person this time around and hope that maybe
there'll be another version of them, someday, where they'll both remember and
be happy together. It's too hard, feeling so much for someone and being a
stranger to them."
He's right; it's not a funny story at all, and Minseok is at a loss for how to
respond. It sounds crazy, and it also makes him feel like he's missing
something, like there's something big Han isn't saying. But this is live radio
and he can't sit there in silence and process it, so he says, "That's a sad
story you've got there, Han. There's no happy ending?"
"No," Han says, and his voice is quiet and serious and nothing like it usually
is when he calls in. "I guess there isn't. But thanks for letting me tell it,
and all my other stories. Goodbye."
And then he hangs up, and a moment too late, Minseok makes the connection.
"Wait!" he says. "This guy, the one telling stories, was...you?" But there's
only silence, and the tech guy shakes his head when Minseok shoots him a look
to ask if they can get Han back on the line. "Well..." Minseok says awkwardly,
trying to figure out how to move on, his mind still caught up in what happened.
"After that, how about we hear a funny story?"
He gets through the rest of the show on autopilot, his thoughts elsewhere, and
he's relieved when it's finally over. "That was so weird," the tech guy
comments. "I thought he was a little strange, calling so many times with such
random stories, but that story today made him sound full-on crazy. What was he
trying to say, that he thinks you and him are meant to be?"
"I don't know," Minseok says, not really listening. "But I guess we won't hear
from him again."
And they don't, although Minseok keeps waiting and half hoping for one more
call. He doesn't know what he'd say, if it happened, because Han's story is
crazy and of course he doesn't remember someone he's never met, but he
remembers how sad Han sounded when he said goodbye and he can't help feeling a
little guilty about it.
After a year, Minseok hands off the radio show to someone else and he largely
forgets about it, but every time someone says they have a funny story to tell,
he always thinks, just a little bit, of his regular caller Han (like the river)
and his unfunny stories.
 
 
22
 
This time, there are no dreams, no nightmares. He just knows, and in the same
way, he knows not to tell anyone. Nobody notices his slips when he's young, and
as he gets older, he learns to play it off as just being weird or not very
bright. (To be fair, he is weird, even aside from his crazy memories, and not
especially smart either.) No one ever asks too many questions, and he's good
enough at pretending when they do.
He finds Minseok online when they're thirteen. It's only a small photo on his
school's website, but it's enough to reassure him that Minseok exists in this
world and there's a chance they'll meet someday. He gave up before, but this
time around, he's decided to hope. Part of him wants to get on a plane to Korea
right then and track Minseok down, but he's only thirteen, and also that would
make Minseok think he's a psycho stalker. So he waits, talking comfort in his
happier memories and occupying himself with planning how to get to Korea
someday.
He reads online about Minseok in the Everysing contest, then finds out that
he's started training with SM. It's hard to imagine the Minseok he knows (any
of the Minseoks he's known,) as an idol, but stranger things have happened. It
does make him easier to keep track of, since even trainee idols have the
occasional fan, though he can't help feeling jealous of the girls who get close
enough to take pictures of Minseok, and the other trainees they photograph him
with.
It takes some doing, but eventually Lu Han manages to convince his parents that
he should go study at a Korean university. They're skeptical, but he spins it
as best he can, reminds them that he's been wanting to learn Korean for a while
so it's not just a phase. Finally, they reluctantly agree.
The problem is that once he gets to Korea, that's the extent of his plans, at
least as far as Minseok. He can study Korean (because even though he remembers
speaking it well, even fluently sometimes, there's too much else in his head to
hold onto more than the basics), and try to enjoy life here, but he hasn't come
this far only to never find a way to meet Minseok.
He contemplates standing outside the SM building like some fans do, but he's
not (quite) that desperate yet. He's met Minseok so many times in so many
different ways; he has some faith that it'll happen again this time. (He has
less faith that it'll work out well, but one step at a time.)
And then the SM casting agent finds him and it's like the stars have aligned at
last. He doesn't let himself consider failing the audition, and his faith is
rewarded when they offer him a chance to train. He doesn't know where it'll go,
but he's excited for the opportunity and everything he hopes will go with it.
He meets Minseok soon after he starts training, without even trying. They're in
a dance class together (Minseok doing much better at it than Lu Han), and they
talk for a few minutes after the class ends before Minseok asks him his name
and Lu Han realizes he didn't bother to introduce himself.
Minseok seems genuinely confused by his name, which is funny but also hurts
because it makes it abundantly clear that once again Minseok doesn't remember
like Lu Han does. "I thought you were Korean," he says sheepishly. "I guess
that explains why your grammar seemed kind of weird."
"I have good grammar!" Lu Han protests, sulking, which isn't really true, even
if his Korean is better than that of most of the Chinese trainees. It's just
easier to sulk about that than about what's really making him sad.
 
Lu Han tries his best to play it cool, but he's never been good at that, so he
comes on pretty strong about wanting to be friends with Minseok. Minseok seems
a little weirded out by it sometimes, but mostly he tolerates Lu Han, and in
time, they become close. Not as close as Lu Han would like, because he still
feels so much love for Minseok that he doesn't know what to do with it, but
friendship is better than nothing.
He's afraid that life will separate them again, so he's overjoyed when EXO is
formed and they're both part of it, even in the same subunit. It's exciting,
being part of something big and looking forward to debuting, and he's happy to
make friends with the other guys in the group too, but he'd be lying if he said
he wasn't happiest about being close to Minseok.
Things are good, sometimes, and sometimes they're bad and hard and exhausting,
but overall Lu Han is happy in EXO. He remembers being an idol before,
remembers being terribly lonely, but here there are eleven other guys in the
same boat as him, and at least five around him when he performs. He never lacks
for company, whether it's for practicing, shopping, getting bubble tea, or even
showering.
And of course he has Minseok around all the time, which can be hard too, but
mostly it's wonderful. He remembers so well the times when Minseok loved him
back, but the Minseok by his side is real and alive and vibrant and even if
they're only friends, that's better than any memory. He learns to be content
with that, because he doubts he can expect much more in this lifetime. Idol
life doesn't lend itself to relationships, and in any case, Minseok's never
given any indication of being interested in more than friendship.
 
He's so sure that nothing will ever happen between them that he's shocked the
day Minseok corners him during a rare quiet moment in the dorms one evening.
"Can we talk?" he ask, and suddenly Lu Han is scared even though he hasn't been
given any reason to be.
"Okay," he says warily, and lets Minseok pull him into his empty room. "What is
it?"
Minseok bites his lip nervously, and Lu Han doesn't dare to hope. "I know we
mess around a lot. Fanservice, sometimes, and sometimes just because. And I
know it's not really anything, probably, and I shouldn't...I mean, you don't
really..."
"What are you saying?" Lu Han asks when he trails off. His voice doesn't shake,
even though on the inside he's nervous.
"Nevermind," Minseok says, turning away, but Lu Han grabs his arm and he turns
back, brow furrowing in confusion.
"Just tell me," Lu Han says, letting go of him. "Whatever it is, it's okay."
"I..." Minseok's frown deepens, but he continues, "I like you. Not like a
friend. I mean, like a friend, but also...not. It's a bad idea, I know, and you
probably don't... But I thought I should tell you. Just in case." He looks up
at last and meets Lu Han's eyes, and in spite of his words, there's hope in his
expression.
Lu Han wants to grab him and hold him tight, wants to smile a ridiculously huge
smile and kiss Minseok until neither of them can breathe, but he also doesn't
want to make him regret his confession practically as soon as he's made it, so
he restrains himself. "You're such an idiot," he says. "Could I be any more
obvious about feeling the same?"
"It's..." Minseok is still frowning, like he's not quite sure about this.
"There's so much fanservice. Sometimes I don't know what's real anymore. And
you're like that with everyone, kind of."
"But you're special," Lu Han tells him. He's not good with words, really,
especially words about feelings, but he's been waiting so long for this moment
that he can say that much. "You've always been special."
Now Minseok just looks embarrassed, and Lu Han kind of is too, but he's too
happy to care. "Let's just..." Minseok says, making a vague gesture that
probably means he's had it with the awkward confession part of things, and Lu
Han takes the hint and kisses him.
For just a second, he's afraid, like Minseok will say it was a joke or a hidden
camera will appear from somewhere, but then Minseok is kissing him back and
everything is right with the world.
And there's a part of him that's afraid, still, because he knows too well how
this can, maybe will go wrong, and how much it'll hurt if it does, but he
remembers giving up and he's not going to do that now. He's going to hold onto
Minseok for as long as he can and if it ends badly, well, at least he'll have
some more happy memories too.
 
It happens out of the blue one day, after enough time that Lu Han's long since
resigned himself to being alone with his memories. "I had a dream about you
last night," Minseok comments.
"Oh, really?" Lu Han leers at him and Minseok laughs and gives him a playful
shove.
"Not that kind of dream. I dreamed about us together, but not the way we are
now. We were kids playing together, and then we were on some kind of spaceship,
and another time you were wearing this weird crown like a prince, and for a
little while you even turned into a girl." He laughs again. "Weird, huh? I
wonder where that came from."
Lu Han forgets to breathe, suddenly, his chest too full of hope. Is Minseok
remembering? Is it possible, at last? Or is it just a bizarre coincidence
waiting to crush his hopes into dust again?
Minseok gives him a funny look. "Are you okay?" he asks.
"Fine," Lu Han says. "I'm fine."
For a long moment, Minseok just looks at him, serious, considering. Finally, he
says, "If I tell you something, will you promise not to laugh?"
"I promise," Lu Han answers immediately. Normally he wouldn't mean it, but this
time he thinks he probably does. This is serious.
"Sometimes I feel like I know you better than I possibly could after only a few
years," Minseok says, slowly like he's thinking it through before he speaks.
"Like maybe I did know you as a childhood friend and a prince and maybe even a
girl, and that's why this time around it was so easy to become friends, and to
fall for you." He laughs yet again, but this time it's more from embarrassment
than because it's funny. "Cheesy, right? But I can't help thinking about it
sometimes. More and more, lately."
Lu Han can't find his voice to answer, and Minseok's brows knit. "What's up
with you?" he asks. "You're acting weird all of a sudden."
One deep breath, and then another, and then Lu Han can say, "It's not cheesy. I
feel that too. I...it's true." One more deep, steadying breath, and then he
meets Minseok's eyes and says, "I remember everything."
 
 
Epilogue
 
They have many wonderful years together before they're separated again when
Minseok dies of a heart attack in his sleep at the ripe old age of ninety-two.
Even that is too soon for Lu Han, but after so many lifetimes of sorrow, he's
knows to appreciate the time they had.
He can't help wondering, in the lonely days that follow, if this is the last
time. Now that they've finally found each other, now that they both remembered
what came before and enjoyed a happy life together with that knowledge, is
there no need for another chance?
They talked about it many times over the years, about what their memories were,
about whether they'd truly lived all those lives. Minseok had favored the
theory that they were somehow remembering alternate universes, lives that they
had never lived but which they could have, if circumstances had been different.
Lu Han had never really figured out what he believed, because that explanation
made as much sense as anything, but his memories felt far too real not to be.
The happiness, the pain, the misery, the hopeless yearning—he couldn't accept
that it had never really happened, or at least not to him.
It didn't matter before, but now that the end of his life is no longer some
hazy, far-off possibility, he has to consider what will happen after it. Is it
time for him to face whatever comes after life, whether it's eternal
nothingness or heaven or hell? Will he have to start all over in another life
with no memories, or will he still have it all but find a Minseok who once
again doesn't remember? Will they both remember and have another chance at
happiness? Or will he start over completely fresh, searching for a new
soulmate? It's hard to imagine, but anything is possible.
Death comes more slowly for Lu Han, but it comes, and when he finally gives in
and closes his eyes at age ninety-six, his heart is full of fear and hope and
still, most of all, love.
 
 
23
 
His name is Hwanuk and his thoughts are in Korean, but he remembers, as soon as
he's old enough to make sense of the images, all the lives in which he was Lu
Han or someone similar. He doesn't really understand the significance of it,
and his parents are extremely confused when he asks, with childlike innocence,
"Where's Minseokie?" They assume he has an invisible friend, and cluck their
tongues in worry but let him have what they think are his fantasies.
On the first day of elementary school, he looks shyly around at a sea of faces,
and he's too young to understand the way his heart jumps when he sees one
familiar face among all the strangers. The small, chubby-cheeked boy doesn't
see him, looking down and fidgeting nervously with his sleeves, and Hwanuk is
afraid without understanding why. What if he doesn't like me now? is how he
childishly interprets the feeling.
At lunch, the other boy comes over to him, and Hwanuk's breath catches in his
throat as he meets eyes that are too mature for their age, just like his own.
"Hi. My name is Hwanuk," he says, because his mother has always taught him to
be polite.
"My name is Minseok," the boy says, and his lips quirk up into an oh-so-
familiar crooked smile. "I know you, Lu Han."
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