Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/114451.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_Rowling
  Relationship:
      Sirius_Black/Remus_Lupin
  Stats:
      Published: 2005-05-01 Words: 3217
****** Treatise on the Effects of Time Travel and Alcohol on the Straight of
Teenage Boys ******
by Marks
Summary
     Drinking makes time travel possible.
Notes
     Written for Pervy Werewolf's the Lusty Month of May, and Pornish
     Pixies' Fantasy Fest. Casira asked for "An ostensibly straight Sirius
     seducing Remus while drunk and having quiiiiite the revelation...
     ;)".
The funniest thing about drinking was starting out in one place and ending up
in another, as though time travel was suddenly made possible.
Well. It was possible, but not without aid of a Time Turner, which Sirius
bloody didn't have. At least, he didn't as far as he knew, unless "Firewhisky"
and "Bagshott Farm's Sparking Strawberry Surprise" were actually super-secret
codewords for "Illegal Time Turners." But he doubted that.
No, it was more likely that one shot too many had landed him square in the
Blackout Zone, a dimension of sound, of sight, and of mind, where mysterious
head injuries and games of Nude Exploding Snap appeared as readily as a new
shot glass spilling over with throat-searing liquor. Wherever he'd materialised
now was all right, though; last thing he remembered, James was knotting his tie
around his head and standing on his chair, declaring that the Three Broomsticks
was now a biker bar and Sirius had been boisterously vocalising his agreement,
but that no longer seemed to be the case.
Didn't matter, though -- where he was happened to be warm and soft and
familiar...and breathing. Sirius lifted his hand, tentatively feeling his
surroundings, earning a squeak and a hard shove for his troubles.
Ah. Breasts. Clothed, still, but ample nonetheless. All in all, not a terrible
place to wake.
He smiled charmingly (well, Sirius thought it was charming, but he was actually
quite drunk, so the result wasn't as effective as a typical Patented Sirius
Black Smile), and leaned back in his chair, folding both hands behind his head.
"S'rry, Rosie," he slurred, not sounding very sorry at all. "C'n I get another
shot?"
Madam Rosmerta rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Sorry, Sirius...your
underage charisma can only get you so many drinks here." She fixed her gaze
slightly to his right. "You'll get your friend home, won't you?"
"Of course." A sigh followed the words, and it was the sigh of the long-
suffering.
Sirius (with effort) turned his head. "Moony!" he cried happily, saying the
word like he hadn't seen his friend in several months, when, in fact, it had
been around twenty minutes. "Where'sh Jamesh?" His words were muffled, not only
because of the copious amounts of liquor now coursing through his system, but
also because Sirius pitched forward, substituting Rosmerta's generous chest for
Remus's decidedly more male one.
Still. Sirius didn't think it was a bad substitute, which was an odd thought as
he was straight. Straight as in get-caught-by-McGonagall-in-every-corridor-
with-his-hand-up-a-new-skirt straight. For Sirius wasn't only ostensibly
straight, but also a bit of a slag.
"James left already." Sirius felt hands on either side of his head, trying to
dislodge him from his spot, but he wouldn't budge. "He and Peter left while you
had your little nap. Peter and I decided separating you two was in both of our
best interests."
"Oh," replied Sirius, not really listening because he was too busy inhaling
Remus's scent. His lips somehow connected with the open V of Remus's shirt, and
it felt perfectly sensible to dart his tongue out to taste that spot. As soon
as his tongue met skin, though, he felt his hand slip from a rather nice,
muscular thigh, and then he was being pushed back and pulled up and the world
was spinning and--
"I'm standing!" he reported happily, with all the pride a toddler probably
feels upon taking his first steps.
"Yes, you are at that. Very good," Remus said, wrapping his arm around Sirius's
waist. Obligingly, Sirius slung his own arm around Remus's shoulders and buried
his face in Remus's neck. He thought he felt Remus's body go rigid at that, but
that was probably because Remus was currently acting as Sirius's centre of
gravity.
"Wh-- where are we...goin' now, Moooooony?" asked Sirius, laughing. "Moooooony.
That sounds like a cow."
"We're going back to Hogwarts, you're going to sleep, and I'm going to
question, yet again, why I continue to be your friend."
Sirius giggled, blindly reaching out with his free hand to poke Remus's nose.
"S'cause you love me."
There was a long pause. "Yes, well. Off we go. That's right-- we can only take
steps with one leg at a time."
Sirius thought the walk back to the castle went well, but then again he wasn't
the one dragging a fully grown teenage boy along with him (as, of course, he
was the fully grown boy in question), and neither did it bother him when he
would get down on all-fours at random intervals in order to eat the grass or
chase small woodland creatures.
Animagi were funny drunks.
"Sirius," Remus hissed, yanking on his arm and hauling him into an upright
position again. "While I'm sure the grass is tasty, you are not currently a
dog. Furthermore, you are a rather heavy individual with a stomach full of
alcohol, and if you think I want to be covered in your vomit on top of having
baby-minder duty, you are sadly mistaken."
Sirius hung his head, widened his eyes, and stuck out his lower lip.
"'M'sorry," he said in his saddest, drunkest voice.
"And don't try that with me, either," Remus ordered, and Sirius froze, mid-
pout. "I know all your tricks, Sirius Black, and don't you dare mix me up with
one of your drunken...floozies."
The order had done something to Sirius, heating his already-alcohol-warmed
veins, and he stared for a long enough time that Remus spat, "What?"
Sirius shook his head. "Nothing." He mutely let Remus pull him along as his
face found itself pressed against Remus's throat again.
"Bugger," Remus muttered just loud enough to jostle Sirius from the doze he'd
fallen into.
"Wha...?" He fussily dragged the back of his hand over his eyes and tried to
focus, just barely making out the outline of beds in the dim light of their
dormitory. James's and Peter's snoring was quite loud.
Remus let him go and pushed, and Sirius found himself on his back on his bed,
propped up by his elbows. "You're bleeding heavy, that's what. Believe it or
not, it's not easy to pull someone up seven flights of stairs."
Sirius wrinkled his brow, not sure why disappointing Moony upset him, but it
did, and there it was. "Next time, y'can get pissed, and I'll drag you back,
'k?"
He could see the beginnings of a smile twitch at the corners of Remus's mouth.
"I'll make sure you remember that. Go to sleep, Sirius."
"No."
Remus sighed. "Sirius. It's three in the morning, I'm tired, and I just want to
get some sleep. Besides, McGonagall will kill us if we're not in
Transfiguration tomorrow, right?"
"S'pose," Sirius mumbled. "Y'could stay with me!"
There was another of those long pauses. "Sirius..."
"No, really, it'll be great, Moony." He tugged on Remus's arm, causing him to
overbalance and wind up in a prone sprawl across Sirius's bed.
Remus flipped over and sat up so fast that Sirius immediately sat upright, too.
"You're pissed."
"So?" Sirius said petulantly. "You're all...warm. And you took care of me. And-
- and--" He struggled, not quite understanding why it was so important that
Remus stay in his bed with him.
"...And?"
Sirius turned toward Remus and looked at him, finding Remus looking back. The
gaze was so intense that Sirius found himself stunned into silence for several
seconds. Finally, he swallowed hard and said quietly, "And I want you to."
He leaned forward and their lips met, only the briefest touch before Sirius
realised that he was kissing Remus and that revelation did more to sober him up
than fifteen consecutive sobering charms. He broke away, eyes wide and
apologetic.
"Oh-- oh God, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
Remus looked at him with an expression that was mixed surprise, disgust, and
something else that Sirius didn't quite recognise. The fact that he couldn't
put his finger on it bothered him even more than the disgust, which in itself
broke him into little, Sirius-shaped pieces.
"You're drunk," Remus said finally, biting his lip.
"Yeah," Sirius agreed, even though he didn't feel like he was anymore.
"Go to sleep." Remus stood abruptly and flung himself into his own bed, pulling
the curtains closed so fast that Sirius barely had time to register that he'd
gone.
"G'night," he said softly to no one.
It took Sirius a long time to fall asleep.
The next morning passed in a bit of a hungover blur. Sirius only grunted at
breakfast when James tossed a scone at his head, too focused on the fact that
Remus was decidedly not looking at him, and only speaking when spoken to
directly.
Sirius had hoped that he'd dreamt the night before, but that didn't seem to be
the case. Feeling like a zombie -- a zombie with a massive headache -- Sirius
stumbled off to Transfiguration, surprised when Remus forwent his usual seat to
sit in front of Sirius instead of next to him.
That, as it turned out, was pure torture because it gave Sirius an incredibly
clear view of him, and Remus used the class period to run the end of his quill
along his lower lip whenever he wasn't taking notes on McGonagall's lesson.
Sirius's tongue had unconsciously been mimicking the pattern of the quill on
his own lips, and he nearly bit the thing off when a crumpled ball of parchment
hit the side of his head, dropping onto his desk.
Sirius screwed up his face and rubbed the side of his head. Why the hell was
his head James's chosen target for the day? Of course, James didn't have a
hangover, the wanker.
Sighing, he flattened the note on his desk.
 
     Pads --
     Did you know that blonde bird, Lufkin, has been staring at you the
     whole class? Longbottom told me she's the Ravenclaw broom!!
     -- Prongsy
There were also accompanying drawings, including a cartoon stag with its tongue
hanging out and a moving, oversized broom sliding in and out of a Quidditch
ring.
Sure enough, when Sirius glanced up, he found Loretta Lufkin looking right at
him. She batted her eyelashes coyly and tossed her hair over one shoulder.
Sirius scowled.
She's a dumb bint, and she has stupid hair, too, Sirius scribbled back, tossing
the crumpled up ball of parchment over his shoulder and back onto James's desk.
That done, he resumed the all-important task of watching Remus masticate his
quill, ignoring the snickering Peter and James were doing behind him.
The reply came soon enough: You're looking at herhair???
Sirius spun around to shoot James a dark glare because he couldn't deny it;
that had been exactly what he'd been doing. He'd noticed her hair first, but
not until James pointed her out, and not until he'd noticed about fifty things
about Moony, up to and including the way his shoelaces were supple brown
leather and double-knotted.
He was in trouble, he knew it, and he had to talk to Remus right away.
"Moony!" Sirius yelled breathlessly, running down the hall to catch up with the
other boy. "Remus, please, stop."
"Why should I?" Remus asked, quickening his pace.
"Because I need to talk to you!" Sirius stopped, head pounding too much to
continue this combination marathon/discussion.
Remus stopped suddenly and turned around, glowering; Sirius shivered from the
ferocity of that look. "Do you now?" he asked in a low growl, a tone Sirius
couldn't remember ever hearing from him. "So, you know my little secret now."
He let a bitter little laugh escape. "My other one, of course. You know, I
didn't take you for the type to trample all over my feelings, Sirius."
"What do you mean, your feelings? What secr--" Sirius's jaw dropped as
realisation fell upon him like a proverbial tonne of bricks. "Oh," he said
softly.
"Oh," Remus said mockingly, voice just as soft. "I'll forgive you for last
night because you were drunk, all right? Let's-- let's just forget it ever
happened, and I'll go back to keeping my stupid feelings to myself, all right?"
Sirius knit his eyebrows together. "No," he said finally.
"No?"
"No." He took a step forward, reaching up to pull Remus's glasses from his
face. Carefully, he folded them and slid them into Remus's front pocket, taking
another step and putting them mere inches from one another. "I don't want to
forget and, furthermore, I want to do it again. And more than that, too."
Remus swallowed visibly, his voice imploring. "I-- I can't be an experiment for
you, Sirius. Just-- just walk away while you still can. While we both have our
dignity."
"How can you think you're an experiment? How could you think you'd ever only be
that to me?" Sirius asked, dipping his head to nuzzle Remus's throat, hand
curling around the other boy's body to press against the small of his back. He
parted his lips, allowing his tongue to just barely taste the salty-warm skin
there, then looked up again, face serious (no pun intended). "I think I lost my
straight."
Remus laughed, a sound of mixed relief and surprise. "I'm probably not going to
help you find that again."
"Good." Sirius whirled them around, manoeuvring them both until he had Remus
pinned against the nearest wall. He sucked his lower lip into his mouth,
thoughtfully examining Remus's face until he could no longer bear their
proximity and the warmth radiating off Remus in waves. Taking a deep breath, he
leaned in and kissed him gently, nibbling on Moony's lower lip and sliding one
hand through Remus's hair at the same time as a tongue slid into his mouth,
exploring languidly.
Sirius honestly couldn't remember a time where he'd ever felt so breathless, so
at a loss, so...so right. When they broke apart, he was panting and achingly,
desperately hard.
"God, Remus," he murmured as though they were one in the same, ready to move in
for another kiss until Remus stopped him.
"Sirius, we're in a hallway."
"So?"
Remus dipped his head, smirked, and stared up at him from under thick
eyelashes. "So, wouldn't you rather do this in a bed?"
Sirius groaned.
Honestly, Sirius had no earthly idea how he made it up to Gryffindor Tower, and
this time he wasn't even drunk and being dragged along. If anything, he'd been
more alert and awake than he could ever remember being and had been of the
singular thought that he had to get upstairs and in a bed and if James or Peter
were there, too, god help them because they'd be hexed and thrown out of the
room before they could breathe a word.
Luckily for his roommates, he and Remus found the room empty, and Sirius found
himself thrown onto his back, which was good, and then Remus straddling his
thighs, which was very, very good.
"Do you know how often I've thought about this?" Remus asked, running his
tongue over the shell of Sirius's ear.
Sirius shook his head, running his hands up Remus's narrow hips. Oh, God, Remus
really was a boy. He told himself not to panic: It's okay, you're a boy, you
know how all your bits work, it'll be fine.
"Tell me," he said, voice wavering slightly.
Remus's hand curved around the back of his neck as he nipped at Sirius's jaw,
his throat, his lower lip. Then, he sat back again, tugging off Sirius's tie,
pulling at his buttons. "You've been in the bed next to mine for nearly six
years. Six years, and for the last two, every time I've been in that bed,
trying to keep quiet, I've been thinking about you."
"Remus, please," said Sirius, rocking his hips as Remus's words shot straight
to his groin, not sure what he was asking for. He reached up, trying to pull
Remus's clothes off, hands too shaky to undo the clasps of those blasted robes.
"Please."
With a grin that was both far too wicked and far too promising, Remus quickly
shed his robes, his tie, his shirt, then bent again to capture Sirius's mouth
in another hard kiss, this time holding nothing back as he ravaged Sirius's
mouth, using his tongue and teeth and lips to push Sirius into mindless need.
Their bodies pressed together, skin to skin, hips aligned with hips, cocks hard
and rubbing desperately against each other, even through the layers of fabric.
"Please," Sirius said again, once they parted for air, and Remus slid down
Sirius's body and pulled his trousers and pants down and off at once, fingers
curling around the base of Sirius's suddenly-bare erection.
"God, you're beautiful," breathed Remus, sounding reverent, fingers stroking
almost too lightly over the sensitive skin. Then, he did something Sirius
couldn't believe, dragging his tongue along the length of Sirius's cock.
Sirius bucked up, hands automatically going to Remus's hair. Yes, he'd had this
done to him before, but it had never been Remus doing--
"Oh, fuck," he shouted as Remus did it again.
And again.
And again.
Then, he stopped, and Sirius whimpered. Remus looked up, tilted his head to one
side, and fixed Sirius with an expression that could only mean Watch, as though
Sirius could do anything else.
"Oh, God!" Sirius moaned as Remus's lips slid over the head of his cock, then
lower, lower, inch by torturous inch, until Sirius felt the tip of his cock
bump the back of Remus's throat, causing him to release a deep, guttural noise
from the back of his own. Watching his cock disappear over and over between
Moony's lips was too much to bear, and soon he was tugging desperately on
Remus's hair, urging him up, warning him.
Remus steadfastly refused to let go as Sirius's orgasm hit him, the impact so
hard he nearly doubled over on himself. Shudder after shudder racked his body,
and Remus stayed with him through all of it, until Sirius lay boneless,
completely undone and blinking in amazement.
"Definitely lost my straight," Sirius confirmed as soon Remus flopped next to
him. "Done that before, have you?"
"Yes," said Remus. "I didn't ever think you--"
"Shh," Sirius said, moving in for another kiss, while trying to pull open
Remus's flies with one hand. "I know. It doesn't matter anymore."
When Sirius finally wrapped his fingers around Remus's cock, stroking him
slowly, thumb running over the head, kissing Remus to match the pace he set
with his hand, he didn't think he'd ever felt so complete, and when Remus
gasped, "Sirius" into his mouth, spilling over his fingers in sticky-hot
pulses, he knew it to be true.
Later, as he rested his head against Remus's chest, their bodies twined around
each other, warm, comfortable, and naked, he looked up in surprise as Remus
suddenly cleared his throat.
"Don't think you're getting out of carrying me home when I'm drunk, just
because you've offered up your body."
Sirius snorted and punched Remus in the arm. "Only if I get to ravage you once
we get back."
Remus raised his eyebrow, a look that shot heat up, down, and all around
Sirius's body. "Who says you get to do the ravaging?"
Sirius punched him again.
So, as it happened, getting pissed wasn't time travel, but sometimes it was a
bloody brilliant idea.
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